Ali G In Tha House
- This is the DVD... comm... - Comedy.
No, we ain't done that one, they're doing that next week.
This is me. I is Ali G. This my man...
- Ricky C on the mike. - For real. We is here checkin' it out.
Takin' you through the film.
- ThaŁs just... - ThaŁs a potato.
That ain't nothing to do with me, thaŁs just orange stuff.
WhaŁs that? Oh, here we go, check it.
Wicked, this is the start of the film.
- Yeah... - Here we go.
- Helicopters. - Yeah, it gets better.
- Check... - I don't know what that is.
All right, yeah, here we go! We're bang into the film!
All right, this is like...
Yeah, check it, right, check it.
If you is watching this, right, these is pictures of LA
which is, like, American for New York, right?
Those is real gangsters there!
- Yeah, bang! - Yeah, bang!
- Mash him up! - ThaŁs a tree.
- ThaŁs a car there. - Man, look at those girls...
- That is this wicked car that I was... - Why wasn't I there?
- Well... - How come you never took us there?
- Well... - I was just in Staines, man, you know?
- Well... - You can say, "Well?"
At the bottom of your well is no water, man, know what I'm sayin'?
So check this, there's this yellow car that I had...
- Check that out! - That is cold.
- Wicked, man. - Look at them.
And those girls, I don't know their real names,
they was known as Bitch Number One and Bitch Number Two
and I tried it on with Bitch Number One.
- Yeah... - man, that is...
So listen, right, was you pretending not to be able to spit
- or could you actually not spit? - I coul´ve done a wicked spit...
- Why didn't you, then? - No, man, that was in the script, man.
Check it, these guys is real gangsters.
- OK. - I was well matey with all of them.
Right, this geezer also was a gangster.
Yeah, man, they're shootin'. Oh, wicked!
Totally. Totally. Totally.
ThaŁs good with the old woman.
- So with the kid, yeah? - For real.
- Was this...? This wasn't real, was it? - Yeah. No.
They was using real guns. No, this is a film, you stupid idiot.
But they was real gangsters that I was chillin' with
and those was real guns,
and that, unfortunately, ain't me real knob.
I know that for real.
What? You been lookin' at me in the showers?
- Listen, I known you for a long time. - Yeah, but when did you see it?
I seen it in the flippin' outline of your pants, innit?
You lookin' at my pants?
How many times we been at the leisure centre in the shower?
- You been lookin' at me in the shower? - How can I avoid it, you big buffoon?
- It ain't my fault that I is a big buffoon. - You know what I mean?
Get out of my eye line in the shower.
- You shouldn't kneel on the floor... - Why didn't you shoot 'em?
Oh, right, this is a wicked bit.
I actually had to stand there, right,
- and they all shootin', man... - No!
And this all... ThaŁs done with, like, special wrecks and effects.
- I see. - The whole thing didn't actually...
- Wicked! - Look at that, look at his big knob!
- ThaŁs cool, man. - ThaŁs wicked.
- Yeah. - Right.
This is... the bit where the girls... they look at...
Yeah, they is talking about me... me knob.
- Oh, wicked! - They didn't actually, I mean...
- Later on I tried to, but... - But she didn't go for it, did she?
All right, this is like...
as if I was dreaming. I was pretending to dream, yeah?
- Right. - Now, look at...
- Yeah. - Now, those ain't actually me own legs,
right, because I wouldn't put me beast there
cos me beast is insured for a million pounds.
Is it? How come?
Because if that gets attacked me wouldn't be able to work.
So me had some stunt nuts there
and we got in this geezer who was me stunt nut double
and him had the dog attack and bite his nuts
- just real mashed up nuts. - Look at that.
I think he lost one during the filming.
- Yeah, so that ain't even me legs. - Oh, God.
You gave him one. That was good.
- Who's this? - She's pretending to be me nan.
- Oh, right. - Man, she had bad breath though.
She had bad breath!
There was a scene they chopped where me had to kiss her.
Man, she was trying to slip me the tongue all the time.
Man, I dunno what she'd been eating
but she weren't a good advert for Colgate, you know what I'm saying?
- I like this bit. - Wicked!
Junglist posse. Wicked.
Adam F wrote the wicked hip-hop tunes.
Ashley Rowe, he did the film.
He was rubbish.
- Natascha, Sacha... - Who is that?
- Who is that girl, man? - Dan mazer? Gay-zer, more like!
Dan Gay... Gaylord.
Who is he? Some knob?
- This is a good bit. - Directed by who? Mark mylod?
- Mark mylod? - I ain't never seen him on set!
He was that, like, Oxbridge geezer with the poncey hair.
- Here's me, man. Check it! - Wicked, this is our posse.
- Yeah, Dave, Jez... - We didn't actually shoot this in Staines.
- We shot this... where was it? - Harlesden.
- In Harlesden, man, cos it was tough. - Keepin' it realer.
Oh, thaŁs Jez here.
Oh, wicked. You look ugly, man.
- Shut up, man. - You look bad on camera.
- Listen, I was playin' a character. - Look at your shoulders!
Listen, I was immersin' myself in the character, right?
Rubbish, man. You got a spotty back there, man!
- Shut up, man! - Your shoulders look rubbish.
- Listen, man... - And look at your nipples!
Look at your nips, man!
- I got a string vest on! - You look rubbish!
Shut up, man.
All right, this is some car stuff with the East Staines massiv.
- Yeah, I can say that. - Yeah.
Now if you look in the background there's some cars and girls there.
And that graffiti I done - see that "Ali G"?
- You didn't do none of that! - What?
- You didn't do that. - Yeah, some of that.
- Yeah, right. - Not the whack stuff,
I done, like, the bit that says Ali G.
Look at you again-like you is trying to concentrate!
You're looking at me, do you love me or something?
- I was giving you support! - Look at Little Eminem!
You is trying to act, man! You is trying to act.
Look at Eminem!
You ain't even lookin' at the camera now!
You're not supposed to!
- I can't believe we paid you! - You ain't supposed to!
- You ain't looking! Wicked, drivin'. - Car scene.
Oh, yeah, car scene. Oh, you is acting! Acting all...
- I was actin' scared! - You can't even do the Westside!
Look at your Westside! I wish I could rewind that.
- Check this bit out! - Don't know who she is.
- You is screaming like a girl. - Cos you told me to!
This is just some rap freestyle that we did.
- Junglistic. Flick it! - Yeah yeah yeah.
That came out a bit high.
- You know what I'm sayin'? - What?
This scene, everyone I've seen says this is the best scene...
- They see the talent, man. - Yeah, my talent!
They see I is a serious mC.
- No, it ain't even about you. - Forget about So Solid Crew
I can mC better than anyone, A to the C, man.
But my point is, yeah? My point is, yeah, thaŁs what...
Shut up, man.
Don't tell me to shut up, this is me own DVD!
But whaŁs the best bit in the film? The bit when I'm in the car!
Well, leŁs ask people at home if this scene's better!
Oh, yeah, write in, if you think, right,
the best scenes are with Ricky C please post a letter on a stamp...
- PO Box... - And then 84...
- With an SAE, man... - Teddington Studios...
Yeah, with a SPD and then you gotta just vote.
Cos for real, that was the best scene.
Now these kids were a fucking nightmare, man.
- Why? - Cos they all came with...
like, their parents and people like that
saying you can't get the kids to work 18 hours, they is only five.
- Or they've gotta be fed and shit. - Or you can't give them weed.
- Or crack. - Or, like, you ain't allowed
- to take their pocket money. - Flippin' heck, man!
- How they gonna learn? - So stiff!
These parents going "this is illegal".
Asking them to work.
I bet they all had their own entourage.
Yeah, whole list of demands - "I is only eating peanut butter,"
"I want my own Smarties," all that kind of thing.
Flippin' heck, man. Oh, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, shut up, kids.
Absolute nightmare. All wanna be actors when they grow up.
Look at the stuff in the back, man.
Realness Class South Central, Backspin Class...
Did you do all them?
No, there is all, like, people around...
- That was your idea? - Yeah, all the whole thing was...
He was on The Bill, this geezer.
- All right. - Yeah, he was...
He was apparently quite senior.
- Was he playing a gaylord? - No, he was quite senior in the feds.
- Cos his moustache there... - These is moves I trained the kids to do.
- Look at your acting here. - What?
What in the name of Ras Tafari are you doing?
That is some of the worst actin' I've ever seen.
- What? I is being sad. - Looks like you're in pain.
Listen, if you've got the DVD,
just rewind and check this buffoon's face.
That was the only way they could get me to cry,
I had to wear these, like, clamps on me nuts.
- Right, here we go, proper actors. - This geezer's Charles Dance.
I mean, obviously we didn't want him to fill the real job.
We wanted that geezer from Die Hard who speak like that.
He thought the script was shite.
He said I should stick to telly.
- This geezer, him didn't care. - Yeah, yeah.
We offered him an extra grand.
- Who's the guy on the right? - I don't know. Michael...
- Fish? - Yeah, man.
We wanted that geezer from Silence Of The Lambs, you know?
- Yeah, Anthony Perkins. - The geezer who goes...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - He didn't like the script either.
- He told us to f-f-f-uck off. - Know what I mean?
- All right, thaŁs... - She was nice.
- She was nice. - She was nice, man.
We got a... Oh, she was not nice. She was hangin' around on set...
snorin' like a...
We're comin' up to the best bit, man.
That fat girl was your girlfriend. Shut up, this is the best bit.
Oh, man, best day on set. Best day on set, man.
- The best thing ever. - How come I wasn't there?
Because, not that you would be competition, but me has, you know...
- I wasn't in LA, I wasn't in... - Shut up, man!
Oh, man, she is fit! She is so fit!
- This was the best day of me life! - Listen...
Look how tight her pants is, man! Look how tight...!
For real! Her arse!
Oh, look at that. Oh...
- You don't mind if I just quickly...? - No, I don't.
She is so good... See how tight her pants...?
- Flippin' heck. - I ain't seen that bit!
- How did they do that? - She's amazing.
I can't believed she agreed to do this.
What did Julie make of her, man?
- What? - What did your real Julie make of her?
- Was she jealous? - Yeah, she was.
One time she came back home and found me knobbin' this one.
- Leave it out, man! - For real!
She's a proper actress, she wouldn't...
OK, but she was givin' me a Shake N Vac, man,
and me Julie caught us and I said I was just getting into character.
Like, teach her how... Like, that ain't how I kiss. Ladies, I don't do this.
- This is where you explain. - I explain that, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, for real. We did this bit after.
Yeah, we did that. ThaŁs me name on me costume.
- Ali G. We couldn't do the space. - Oh, right.
- There wasn't enough room. - The hyphen.
Oh, back with the rubbish actor!
- Don't be calling me a rubbish actor! - Look at your arms, man.
This is a geezer pretending to be a cameraman.
Look at you and your monster munch mouth.
- That was out of order. - Why?
IŁs disrespectful, innit?
- Here they are! She is fit as well. - She was nice.
We had to... I had to, like, convince her, I said "undo another button on the dress.
"Undo another button."
I mean, then I finally saw they ain't real.
- What? - They ain't real.
- Leave it out. - Them babylons.
What you talkin' about?
I accidentally threw a tennis ball. It hit them and it bounced off.
It bounced off, like hitting a brick wall!
- All right, for real, this is... - This is out of order, man.
- This is a heavy bit of the film, man. - This is nasty.
No, this is heavy.
Get ready, Eminem comin' back!
Look at him, look at Slim Shady, man.
Man, he's almost the real Slim Shady!
Check out the other geezer wearing a see-through thing!
- I know, man. - What sort of gangster wears that?
That ain't me ass! That ain't me batty. That ain't me batty.
- Whose was it? - A batty double.
- He's different from the nuts double. - OK.
All right. For real, here we go.
So was you there with your things out?
No, we didn't wanna scare the kids, you know?
- Yeah, man. In your dreams. - Yeah, this girl...
- She was all right. - She's fit. She is fit.
She's got... She is fit.
- She's on the Fantasy Channel, man. - No!
Yeah, thaŁs how I cast a lot of the girls. I found them...
All right, these girls, they is also little actresses.
I'm with it. You can tell, can't you?
Annoying, you know, like their drama teacher.
Oh, man, she didn't do that, man.
Part of the insurance for me beast is no one is allowed to hit it.
- And he didn't do that to you? - No, I ain't no batty, man.
I ain't no batty.
- Here he is. - Go on, Dancey!
Go on, Dancey, be serious.
ThaŁs proper acting. He ain't doing nothing.
He ain't doin' nothing with his face!
When we go onto you your veins are poppin' out!
I'm puttin' some effort into it! I is, like, pretending to walk.
- Hello. - Here we go. Hello.
She said no one in an office would dress like that,
I said, "Who cares? Get them out! Release them!"
Now... Oh, yeah, man...
Look at the girls in the back! The one on the right is nice.
And the one on the left, she's like this oriental.
Man, and the one second from the left...
Yeah. For real.
Those are me own moves, copyrighted.
Anyone try to imitate those on any dance floor in Britain
my lawyer will get onto your ass. Sue your batty.
Yeah. She's fit, she's fit.
I gotta tell you, man, the way that you view women in this film is -
I've gotta say it-is backward.
- Backward? - Backward.
- What is that, some patois? - No, man, iŁs sexist.
- Genuinely sexist. - Yeah, for real.
- No, it ain't good. - Respect.
You wanna light one up, man?
Me roll it up, build it up,
come on, build it up, build it up.
- You roll one up? - Yeah, I will.
Me got a nice skunk stuff.
I'm not being funny but in this you sound a little bit more feminine.
Your voice, iŁs gone, like, about two octaves higher.
- WhaŁs got high? - Your voice.
Who's a better actor here? I reckon iŁs pretty close.
Well, he's a trained actor but you're more natural, instinctual.
- Yeah, man. He... - But he's got training, you know?
He's got training, like, years.
He was in The Golden Child with Eddie murphy.
- He ain't just some prick. - Know what I mean?
Who is this mark mylod, man? He kept that bit in.
There was this director, man, he had no idea what...
He was seven foot tall with a bog brush hairdo.
Some Oxbridge fool goin' on sayin'
"Ali, I wonder if you can come and stand here
"and maybe do this with a bit more feeling" and all that.
Check this, this is a phat bit of soundtrack from Adam F.
They wouldn't let me use me real stuff.
- Oh, man. - Yeah, that was clever.
Man, I wanted a real fat kid and they, like, got this...
He was just a bit fat and he wore, like, you know, 100 sweaters.
How come they didn't get a real fat boy?
Cos they said it was, like, cruel and fat-ist.
No, he ain't.
All right, me actually... This is in Staines -
G, the motherfucking G, thaŁs me.
For real. Some of this lot were actually lezzers.
- No? - Yeah, man.
There's one fit one. Wait a sec...
Wait one sec, wait one sec. There's one fit one that...
- There! - Where?
Blonde hair. Freeze frame everyone, three rows back.
- Blonde - Blonde? No...
Check out the batty man builder in the background.
- What is he doing? - Some Village People shit.
Light it up, baby.
Now, again, I'm not being overly critical,
but I thought this scene was puerile and naive.
It was poorile?
Shut up, man, there's no talking to you.
I mean, I wanted to... I wanted them to stay longer on that scene
so people at home would understand what was goin' on.
Cos it weren't clear enough. It weren't clear enough.
We was actually mashed that time.
Know what I mean? No acting, people.
No acting, know what I mean? That was real...
Real moroccan Casablanca stylee, man!
Look at your big old Nefertiti, man. I like that chain.
- Thank you. - Can I borrow it?
- There we go. Me nan. - Your pretend nan.
Closing her mouth in case of the breath.
All right, no, that was... They caught me doin' that off-camera.
- You didn't know. - Yeah, and they stuck that on after.
Flippin' mylod, innit?
- Then there's this geezer on me left. - Is he a actor?
Yeah, I think he was in the army or something.
Right. He's good, man, he's good.
He wanted to be me friend afterwards, you know, chill out. You know?
Yeah, this is well good acting.
- Go on, son. - Yeah, go on.
I don't know what they is saying.
- That black suit, man, is fly. - IŁs nice.
- IŁs fly. - IŁs nice.
I thought that was cynical marketing on your part.
It was just a way to get it in with the whole Shaggy thing.
Yeah, exactly - called cross-marketing, innit?
"I put it to you," this biŁs good.
- This is like Pacino. - Yeah.
- This is like Heat. - Yeah. What?
- Check him out. - Yeah.
- ThaŁs a wicked pose there. - Wicked.
- Wicked pose. - ThaŁs the one.
Pass it over.
- This is all right, this gear. - Now...
the first time we did this scene, we had to read it out
they said "suck off a horse"? You can't do "suck off a horse."
I said, if I ain't doing this scene with "suck off a horse" I'm walking.
Ali G is walking.
And he ain't walking on set he's walking the other way.
And he ain't doin' a moonwalk.
He ain't walkin' the other way lookin' like he's walkin' the normal way.
He's just facin' the way he's goin'.
Facin' that way and walkin' that way.
And that way don't lead to the set, that way leads to...
- somewhere else! - Yeah, my way or the highway.
- Yeah, the highway. - I hear you.
And not the highway that was on the set. Another highway.
- Not the one they built on the set. - Not the one that they built...
Another highway. The other one that wouldn't even be able to be filmed by.
- No one could film that highway. - No one could film that.
That ain't me real name by the way.
They made me have a stupid name.
ThaŁs all I is saying. That ain't me real name.
Yeah, right. It is his real name.
No, it ain't me real name.
- It is his real name. - That ain't me real name.
It is his real name.
That ain't me real name.
She weren't wearing knicks in this scene.
Man! Flippin' heck, how could you say those things?
- That weren't me voice. - Man, that is!
- I've heard you do that! - When did you hear me?
When you've been beating yourself off in your nan's house.
When I stayed over your house the first time I heard you do that voice.
- You were listening at me door? - I couldn't avoid it!
Like in the shower, you big-arsed buffoon.
- What was you doin' in the shower? - I was taking a shower!
Let me make something clear -
me do have a big beast, all the ladies, all the fly babies out there.
So where was this, man?
This was in manchester, England, England.
- Fuckin' jokin'? - Language.
- Sorry. - Me nan may be listening.
Probably not though.
I like this bit-this is good.
I is well strong and, like, powerful and...
Isn't it flippin' obvious?
- Wicked, man! - Oh, man, that is so phat.
Flippin' heck. Was that your idea?
Yeah, for real.
- This is powerful. - This is a proper heroic speech.
- Yeah, this is powerful. - I'm proud of you in this bit.
This is good acting.
- And iŁs a wicked speech. - This is powerful, man.
- If only schools could watch this... - For real.
If they could watch you, what you're saying,
think how better the world would be in ten years.
- For real. - Who was that?
- Who was she? - I don't know.
- No one told me... - Look at his hair, man!
He looks like someone out of Slade or some shit.
- Yeah, what is he from? - Flippin' heck!
What is he from ZZ Top, man?
ZZ Top but from the olden times, know what I mean?
- He's got the... - Look at him! Flippin' heck!
You look like a big old Jaffa orange.
There was some stuff behind me back...
- What? - Beforehand that I gave him.
I had a trick that I done. Man, where is those papers now?
- That was... - That was good, man.
- Nice funny joke. - No, that was improvised.
That weren't a joke.
That was like the first time me...
me saw that paper, me just came out with it.
- So that was improv? - Shut up, here she is again.
Look what she done with her hair.
I'm not so keen now I know they're false.
- He's bangin' you in this scene. - What do you mean?
- He's a professional actor. - Bangin' me?
I just mean figuratively.
- You what? - Figuratively.
What is you talkin' about?
Listen, man, there's nothing wrong with using proper words.
Where's you been? Where did you learn this word from?
I've been trying to better myself
and sometimes iŁs good to use words.
- Not them words. - Is that the pyramids?
Where the fuck was that? You went to Egypt?
You went to LA - You didn't take me, Egypt-you didn't take me...
- Flippin' heck! - Pyramids ain't in Egypt, fool!
- Where are they then? - In Africa.
Check this. Them played a trick on me, right?
In the script, right, me wrote that there would be real skunk,
real Es, real weed.
- And? - It weren't.
It was a prop?
- Check this out! - Yeah, man.
- That is what Ricky C wears... - Shut up.
When he's walking around and he ain't acting in a big film.
- Yeah, man. - Flippin'...
- That was one of the best days. - That was good actually.
It was boring hangin' out with all them.
Imagine sitting with these blokes for a whole day.
Were these actors or politicians?
I think some of them was real politicians.
- Some was real government? - Yeah.
That geezer acting well interested on the left.
Look at the guy on the far left! Look how interested he is!
And the geezer on me right is Chinese!
Hang on, that bloke in the middle, next to the woman there,
him, thaŁs... Who's that ex-prime minister?
- Hello. Who's he? - A gay dude.
Imagine how boring this day was.
They made me do this scene,
which is what they call it, like, about 50 times.
You sound about 12, man.
- Yeah, that was intentional. - Intentional.
So boring, the bits of the film where I was surrounded by old blokes.
This was a good day. She was fit.
I didn't have to be in this but I was there.
I remember her.
- Checks these ones out... - That guy, I know him!
This was boring cos I was with him again.
- ThaŁs a wicked track. - Nice.
- Exactly. - Innit.
Weren't there, didn't know this was in the film.
Is this another... stroke of genius from mylod, innit.
Why would you want that in?
Ain't got me in it, ain't got ladies in it.
- Look at you. - ThaŁs me.
Look at John major down the end.
- We wanted Kylie to do a bit now. - Yeah.
Just go after this bit. Check this out.
Fit woman, that was gonna be...
"Get her babylons out," then we was gonna get Kylie.
Why didn't she do it?
She went all, like, "I ain't gonna play with my babylons..."
- Well... - "...in front of, you know,
"millions and billions of people."
- That is Beckenham Palace. - This ain't real, man.
- That ain't the real Queen. - If you'd done that...
Props go out to the Queen mum,
me didn't realise at this point that she was
respectin' me, imitating me,
and basically livin' her life to be like me.
If I had known that maybe I wouldn't have done this
to someone pretending to be her granddaughter.
- Close to the bone. - There ain't no bone there.
Know what I'm sayin'?
- That weren't the Queen. - Look at Gambon's face.
- Look at his face. - This was me idea.
This was something I was just doin' and they filmed it.
- I like him. - Yeah, John Humpy.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a big fall
"Punani area," I like that. How'd you get that in?
Imagine havin' to film that, my head between some 90-year old legs.
That weren't the real Queen. We asked her but she said no.
Who does she think is, the queen of England?
Fergie, she said yes, but who'd wanna see that?
- Innit? - Who would wanna see ginge?
This is deep-there ain't no speakin'. Check that out.
You may not know this, right, check this out,
- this is one of the magic of movies. - Look at their hair!
That geezer behind making a mockery of this scene!
- Of the film! - How did they leave them in?
Where was the make-up woman? Who was that make-up woman?
She was scary.
Over his right shoulder, you got a fit woman.
Look what I is wearing. That is fly.
IŁs got the tags out. See how much it costs.
That is real, we caught him off camera saying that.
- We caught him... - Oh, boy.
- We just stuck it in the film. - Flippin' heck.
Over the back, on the right shoulder, she started...
- They was all knobbin' each other. - You're jokin'?
This is make-up, make-up...
- Eggy. - Eggy!
- Yeah, this bit... - Wicked track.
IŁs me, Ali G.
Man, I was lookin' fly.
- Bye-bye. - Who are these people, man?
I weren't here, either!
- All right, for real. - I ain't even in this film.
- Yeah, you ain't. - Flippin' heck.
If you could act and didn't look so ridiculous
then maybe we would allow you...
Have you seen yourself lately?
All these people were actors.
And she was obviously an actress.
- ThaŁs cold. - Yeah, that is a bit dark.
- ThaŁs out of order. - Yeah.
- How'd you do that? - Yeah.
- That is well out of order. - So why did you do it?
I like the stuff where iŁs well clever
but not the stuff where it just becomes...
- You know, where it becomes crude? - Yeah.
ThaŁs Borat, man, he flew over for the day.
We had to give him about 20p - he was well happy.
He wanted a massive scene - he thought it was the Borat film.
Borat... Here she is, shut up.
You don't mind if I just...
Not here, don't be disgusting, man.
- Flip... - Shut up.
- Stop doin' it. - Shut up, they'll hear.
Don't call me that. Shut up.
This bit is just crude. This is just...
- Yeah, I mean... - man, this is disgusting.
- I thought... - This is just poorile.
- Exactly! - This bit is poorile.
This for me is where you lost the audience that you had gained
in your first rather innovative series on Channel Four.
- This is just exacerbating... - You what, you what?
This is now playing to the lowest common denominator, man.
What is you talkin' about? Using them ridiculous words!
- You lost the subtlety... - The satrire was gone.
- Exactly, man. - And it just became crude.
- It became poorile... - And it became...
just the idea of, like,
pretending that you were licking someone's puni...
And getting involved in the bumbajuice was poorile...
It was a far cry from Heinz Wolf and the way you stitched him up.
Check him out. Yeah, man.
- This is wrong an' all, man. - This day...
- But having 100 people on set... - All boring actors.
All wanting to speak to me, saying, "me daughter likes you."
- "We love your satire." - "Here's a picture of me daughter.
"This'll be a well satrire film,
"I can't wait to be in this film cos iŁs gonna be so clever!"
- Know what I mean? - And the satrire's gonna be so big.
"IŁs a work of genius."
"Here is me daughter on the phone. Will you sign this?"
"Will you say booyakasha" and all that.
No, they were saying "Will you say backsha," whatever.
Do you get it, what is going on? They is pretending...
- WhaŁs happened... - This is a well clever bit
- cos he's pretending to be... - Tell it.
This is a boring scene, man. Boring.
What boring scene? You get some.
- Not here. - ThaŁs nice.
That is proper acting, you can see the tracks of her tears.
The tracks of her tears...
I need you!
How long is this film? IŁs me again-wait.
Me got, like, about 15 calls from that.
Is it? 15?
Me met up with one of the girls
but it turned out it was some, like, geezer trying to be funny.
- Is it? - Like, literally a geezer, standin'...
me turned up to this place in Hampstead
where she said that she was gonna be,
opened the door and there's some geezer with a massive lob-on.
And me said, "Where is Sandra?"
And he pointed down to his pants and goes, "Here's Sandra."
I said, "You must be joking," and me left, went home.
It was actually, it felt quite low
it felt quite low cos me had betrayed me Julie...
for, like, a bloke.
Can we switch over? Can we watch Rush Hour II, man?
How long is this film?
Flippin' hell, iŁs about 100 minutes!
- That track is wicked, man. - ThaŁs a wicked suit, man.
- United States. - United States, oh, man...
Can we switch over, man?
- Light up another one. - How long is this?
- How come the film ain't over? - This is what they call plot.
It is plop, man, it really is a load of plop.
Know what I mean?
Oh, man, this biŁs out of order.
- Hang on. - This is out of order.
Like Burkina Faso is a real country!
- I don't think so! - Chad, thaŁs the bloke's name!
They stuck it as if it was his country, man.
I don't like all that stuff.
- United Kingdom of what? - United Kingdong!
- Innit. - Yeah.
Oh, thaŁs good.
That was a good catch, man.
- Here we go. - Here we go.
- I'd rather have seen her do it. - Yeah.
I did see her do it.
Who is this track by? Oh, I can't watch this bit.
- Oh, man, look. - I can't watch this, I feel sick.
- I feel sick. - Oh, flippin' 'eck.
ThaŁs wrong, man!
No! I can't watch that.
I think iŁs got a certain sensitivity that will appeal to your more...
- Flippin' 'eck, man, get off! - I told you to shut up.
Stop touching yourself while those blokes is kissing.
- What is happened to you? - I got an itch.
What, down there?
Just happens that all the batty man stuff comes along and you get an itch.
Here we go, big budgie head. Look at him.
- Just wearing some orange stuff. - You look like a Belisha beacon, man.
We asked to film this in number 10, right,
which is the word for parliament in England.
But Tony Flairs was like, "I is the President
"and that is my place and you can't take over the place for a day."
- He's selfish. - He was rubbish.
"Ali's stash. Do not nick."
What is it? They didn't leave that on long enough.
It said "Do not nick".
They didn't leave it on long enough.
- Sad, sad. - You can tell.
I've got Tupac on the wall behind me.
- Oh, thaŁs nice. - J-Lo.
I wanted a picture of... And some rubbish picture in the middle.
Monster munch there.
Got some monster munch I'd been eating, they said leave that.
That was me own cardboard box.
That is a phone, I still got that. You seen that?
- Yeah. - IŁs next to my bed.
I kept that computer, actually.
He's cleaned them out.
The idea of that was that I nick all the stuff from the office.
- Clever, man. - This is powerful.
This is powerful shit.
This is like something like A Few Good men and shit.
- Why is you crying? - Shut up, man.
Don't cry, Ricky. Why is you crying?
- Can you just... Can we stop the film? - Why is you crying?
I'm not, I've got astigmatism, innit.
Man, that is a fly bit of graf.
Weren't you shamed up driving that thing?
ThaŁs Harlesden again.
- He done ya, man! - He weren't a real spack.
Yeah, right. He still did you, man.
How could you do that? Were you not embarrassed?
- What? - Driving down in your little thing.
That was so humi... humuliating, man.
This is a bad song, man. I was gonna do a garage remix of this.
Lionel Ritchie. Back in the day, man,
he was our own Tupac Shakur.
All right, that is all done special effects.
- Look at that. - They ain't her real nips!
- Stop playing with yourself again. - I ain't, I got an itch.
I weren't crying, I got astigmatism. I'm not flipping meself off, I got an itch.
You is got massive testicles.
- Shut up, they're not testicles. - Tiny shaft.
Shut up, man.
Oh, that is... What?
- Why did you keep that in the film? - I did not, that was off set.
- Check that out. - Flippin' 'eck, man.
Look at them babylons.
Look at him, man. That is horrible.
That is 100 per cent real Staines warrior.
- Flippin' 'eck, man. - Check that out, man.
- She looks like... - Oh, gosh, look at your face!
Look at them fools! What was they called again?
- Punch and Judy or something. - Don't cuss them, man.
- Jekyll and Hyde. - That ain't fair, man.
- They is like... - Look at his face, man!
And your flippin' 12-year-old teeth.
- She wanted me to, like... - Keep it real, man.
She wanted me to keep it real, just pull them a little bit to the side.
She didn't want you to do nothing except leave her alone.
You heard what she said-she said, "Take them off," and I took them off.
Do it! Do it! Take them off!
Take them off!
Take them off!
This... Now, this is a clever little device of a flashback
in order to see that your true love is Julie.
Look at your gothic self, man, look at that.
I was in make-up for about three days to achieve that ridiculous look.
No, you weren't-ten minutes.
Take them off!
You fool, you idiot! Who wrote this stupid script, man?
- Listen, man... - Idiot, go back there, go back there!
- Take them off! - Look at his big-arse flippin' shoes.
You've got about size 82 shoes, man.
Yeah, man, like Shaq Attack, man.
That was done with a real choir with real people.
- Check this out. - Look what you is wearing!
You made me wear it, man.
- Sweating. - Look at your face, man.
Yeah, I is got a big... People said I can do movies in America after this.
Yeah, what movies? Porn, man.
Yeah, I hope so.
Yeah, man, thaŁs me.
This bit here, ladies and gentlemen, is the part in the film where Ali G,
couldn't actually even remember his lines what he even wrote.
You'll notice that he's looking past my shoulder
to an idiot board.
It weren't an idiot board!
- It was never more aptly named. - It was a well-clever board.
- A foo-foo board, a idiot board. - It weren't an idiot board, man,
it was a respect board.
Big red marker pen lettering on it.
Check him out-you can see it.
You is looking at a idiot board saying, "look like a fool".
Look, ladies and gentlemen, look where his eyes are.
That is true.
Yeah, just cos ain't stiff, just cos I ain't learnt all the words like you did.
- So square! - You gotta be pro about this.
I was like, you know, I couldn't be bothered, man.
I'm thinking, "Who's he looking at? He's looking at a little spider."
I is just... I was just having a laugh the day before with Naomi Campbell.
You can see, I'm playing concerned.
I is reading-so what? Marlon Brando would do that same kind of shit.
- He does it from a different vibe. - Yeah, what kind of vibe?
I is mashed, I can't remember me lines.
Respect to marlon. MC Brando in the house.
Brando in the house, Brando in the house.
- Him a big fat man... - I ain't reading.
- This is amazing, this bit. - Look at his eyes.
- I is still looking at the board. - Look at him reading.
Yeah, but iŁs strong, though.
We is gonna put this bit up for the Oscars.
Oscars, man. You couldn't win a Oscar de la Renta, man.
This is gonna win Oscars, man, for best supporting actor.
- Best reading? - Best reading.
Best remedial English... Check this out.
Wait a minute, I just gotta light this up.
No, but Ali, why...
Why... Now we're in, like, this camouflage
and in the next scenes we're in different camouflage.
ThaŁs wicked. Why is we in different camouflage?
Why did we get changed in the film?
Do you know?
- Because there's... - We is changing now.
Fight the power!
We're gonna fight the powers that be.
Oh, this is scary. We is gonna actually have a fight here.
No, man. That is dark, man. That is bullshit, man.
Wicked! Junglist posse.
Right, this is the wicked bit.
- I felt sorry for these two. - These geezers was got so badly.
- They didn't get up again. - They were underneath that,
- just being mashed up. - Viewers, that is real, man.
- That is real. - They was mashed up, revenge.
- That is the real shit. - That is me at the front.
- Look at Dave, man. - I was on the floor saying,
- "Why ain't you got a body double?" - I had a body double, man.
- "I don't wanna crawl on the floor." - I was at George Harrison's house.
Look at this-torches. Real guns, everyone.
- Check this out. - Check our moves out, man.
- This is good, this bit. - This is phat.
Like Charlie's Angels, man.
That bit is done in reverse, that is how we did that,
cos Dave didn't want to actually run at the pillar.
- He didn't wanna knock his head out. - He weren't dedicated.
Yeah, man, wicked - Electric Boogie.
This is old school back-in-the-day tunes, man.
"Nothing. We'll keep on looking!" What is he, like, some frog?
- Where's that bong? - Silas Greenback, yeah.
IŁs over there.
Here we go. Dangerous Dave doing what he's best at.
Dangerous Dave, we met him at a rave.
- And then later on by a little grave. - He didn't know if his name was Dave.
- ThaŁs you, looking surprised. - Look at me.
This is amazing with the lasers.
Amazing, lazing, crazing, phasing.
- They used body doubles here. - They did.
- That was us! Was that us or not? - I think... I dunno.
ThaŁs them, because look at the size of my one.
- They got some body doubles... - And mine was a foot taller than me.
These geezers was Asian geezers, dark Asian geezers.
- Three brothers. - Respect to them
but they was, like... they weren't the right colour for Ricky and Dave.
- They was too light for me. - My one was too tall.
Yours was about 12 foot tall.
He made Shaq Attack look like minnie mouse.
He looked like a heart attack.
My one looked like mini me, mini Ali G.
Man, thaŁs good. I is copyrighting that.
- Bang! - They're going down.
My fingers is so hard, I can mash them up with me fingers.
One little finger.
Them weren't real books behind, it was all pretend shit.
That bit was rubbish.
Well, you kept it in the film, you and gaylord.
Look how high your voice has become.
Like, literally, you has gone up about 1500 million octaves.
Sounds like we've been eating helium and shit.
Yeah, helium, or sounds also like your nuts ain't dropped.
This is the first ever texting reference
in any movie anywhere in the world.
- Which I believe... - I got the world record for that.
If I remember correctly, was my idea.
I dunno what you is shouting about cos you wear pink in this film.
Coincidence? Me don't think so.
Listen, man, I think iŁs because I'm happy enough with my heterosexuality.
Exactly! You is a heterosexual!
Man, I can't believe you said that! You don't even know what it means!
Did you hear that? He said he's a heterosexual! That is down on tape.
I hope everyone heard that.
You don't even know what heterosexual means, man.
I can't believe that! Fell for it!
You're just showing up your ignorance, so carry on.
- Hetero, man! - You just carry on,
- showin' your ignorance and shit. - I knew you was a homo.
- You is a homo, innit. - I'm a homo, yeah, right.
You know what you is? You is a homo sapiens, man.
- Yeah, man, very funny. - You is homo sapiens!
Yeah, very funny, very funny.
That was crew member number 37.
Look at this with the electricity.
Hassan B comes in the middle. We had to stick him on later.
Look at that. Wow! Mash-up!
That was amazing! ThaŁs the best bit ever!
All them people at home, that lightning that goes through us,
them stuck that on with computers and nuff complicated shit.
Pass it over again.
- "Doubles as a nuclear bunker." - "Don't try escaping
"because this room doubles as a nuclear bunker."
- "I'm Charles Dance." - "You know, you really are very stupid."
"I've just won an award and things."
"Are you Eddie murphy?"
"Look at my brace."
"I is pretending to be very strong."
- Boy, that hurt. - He's got a good right hook, man.
- Cryin'! Cryin'! - No, thaŁs me pretending.
Pretending. I can punch a million times harder than that.
- He totally hulimiated you, man. - No, I didn't, man.
I can punch, man.
- Man, look at that. - The last time he does this,
- he actually smacked me in the gob. - Shut up, man.
- Because, right... - Had you just fucked him off?
I had, like... I got this towel and I flicked it on his nuts.
Check it-this time he actually punches me in the face.
He smacks me. Check this out.
He actually makes contact, man.
- You're lying. - I almost pulled out my AK.
But the director said no cos we still needed him.
- He hit me there. - He didn't.
- He touched me nose. - You're joking.
"Now I'm going to shoot you."
"Now... you have learned the Force."
- "Now I'm going to shoot you." - "Well done, Skywalker."
"Now I'm going to shoot you with a pretend gun."
"I'm gonna shoot you with a pretend gun."
- You ain't shooting no one, man. - I is gotta drop one.
Oh, man, ain't this film...? Wish I'd gone before.
Guess what-here I actually did one.
That was revenge.
ThaŁs the real sound.
ThaŁs the real sound, cos no one smacks me in the chops.
- All right, here we go! - Thank you very much.
Forget about us.
Here we go. Whose idea was this?
Shut up, man.
Isn't that out of character?
I'm doing what it says in the script.
Yeah, man, you asked to do this a hundred million times.
- Listen... - Why weren't you wearing pants?
- You coul´ve easily worn your pants. - I was wearing pants.
He weren't wearing pants. To all the people buying the DVD,
- listening to the commentary... - me and Dave were wearing pants.
Him weren't wearing pants. Dave was.
Look, iŁs the Village People again. Check this out.
Look at them old biddies. Half of them ain't around now.
Half of them died during the making of this film.
Yeah, along with satire and taste.
Yeah, man, just crudeness.
Now, we... When I was doing this, I wanted to arrive on a tank.
I wanted to arrive on a tank but we didn't have enough money
so I said, "Horses, man." Then they gave us these rubbish bikes.
Yeah, well, I don't love you cos I love, like, someone much fitter anyway.
ThaŁs not funny.
You know what I mean?
I was going, "Arrest them."
That was the best. "Arrest them."
He's like a Dalek.
"In case you've..."
- "In case you've forgotten..." - Check this out.
"In case you've forgotten, I've got some socks stuck in my throat
"that is making me speak like this."
"In case you is forgotten, I is the leader of all the Daleks,
"and you shall address me as Davros and shit."
"I will extrapolate! I will extrapolate!"
- Oh, man, I is gotta drop one. - Check this out, man.
Go then, I'm gonna watch Judi Dench.
Yeah, I'll see you in a minute.
This is the real bit, man. See you later, Ali, man.
While you is weeing, I is telling the real truth about the story behind the film.
Now, a lot of people may not know
that me, there, there I am,
I is the only one really with any credible idea about how to act in a film.
I is the only one who has really any taste
and... restraint in my performance.
Look at that.
And now look at dundus man, look at the big foo-foo head.
He's got a flippin' avocado on his head.
Cynical marketing ploy.
"There is one thing else." Here we go.
Yeah, and... Oh, all right, mate?
- How you doing, all right? - Yeah, wicked.
- This bit... - I've just been bigging you up.
Them is like plastic weed.
I like that stock footage, thaŁs funny.
Oh, man, this was another of the bestest days, man.
Look at minnie Driver.
Now, that is surely an effect.
Dunno what she was trying to do.
This was the best laugh. Just check out these babies, man.
Look at that man, that is the best.
This was me ideal...
I checked out the whole film and I said, "There ain't enough puni in it.
"There need to be some more pum-pum bush in the film."
Me went back and we filmed this whole scene. Man, she is fit.
- Check it, here we go. - Two time!
Check it, check it.
Flex it, flex it.
Here we go, check this, man.
Check it out.
ThaŁs an effect, innit?
Here we go! Dancey!
Dance for me, Dance!
Don't speak here! "No, I is dancing."
- "I is dancing." - "I is now rubbing me batty."
Check that out, that is gratuitous, man.
That is really poorile, man.
That is just poorile.
- There is no satire left in this film. - No satrire.
Look at those legs behind.
- Look at that girl in a mai´s outfit. - Flippin' heck.
They'd let in a few mingers but...
I did, I did.
Did you? And then you woke up, man.
Then you woke up when the alarm went off.
Yeah, I woke up with her next to it.
That is poorile, man. That is poorile.
Flippin' 'eck, man.
- You was much better when you was... - Sacha!
- Here we go. - Sacha who?
What a twat.
Who is this Sacha Baron...?
I dunno, he's some ponce, posh ponce, goes around imitating me, apparently.
"Oh, 'ello, I went to Oxbridge University."
"I went to Oxbridge University."
"Me name is Sacha, me don't give intraviews as meself."
- "Oh, hello." - "I is too big to give intraviews."
"I wear a top hat and a monocle."
"Oh, me like to have a cane."
"I like to have a small glass and go, 'Hello, whaŁs going on?"'
"Do you have any cucumber sandwiches?"
- There he is again! - Oh, Sacha Baron Come On.
"Hello, do you have a...?"
"Me like to keep the... me is very secretive."
"Oh, yes, I need my privacy."
"Me don't like people knowing about what me do and me really think."
Listen, man, I wish I didn't know who he was.
Here we go, this is me own...
- Oh, Jason Alper, man. - I love Alpen.
ThaŁs the most tastiest flippin' breakfast cereal, man. I love it.
Yeah, thaŁs Shaggy, man.
Have they sued you yet for this?
Have those macarena men sued you for this song?
Well, Shaggy couldn't be arsed to write a track
so he said, "Which one do you wanna nick?"
I said, "Not the macarena,"
and he goes, "ThaŁs the one, then."
So the two blokes who look like they're from Fantasy Island,
- they ain't sued you then? - No.
"Standby Rigger", what is that?
Hold on! David Gray, he's a pop star!
- Who's David Gray? - He's rigging!
And thaŁs the truth, ladies, thaŁs the truth.
Yeah, man, nuff animals was harmed during the making of this, for a laugh.
Tell you what was really harmed-taste.
Taste and restraint.
Respect to all you for buying the DVD. Laters.
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Alias 01x01 - Truth Be Told (Pilot)
Alias 01x02 - So It Begins
Alias 01x03 - Parity
Alias 01x04 - A Broken Heart
Alias 01x05 - Doppelganger
Alias 01x06 - Reckoning
Alias 01x07 - Color Blind
Alias 01x08 - Time Will Tell
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Alias 01x10 - Spirit
Alias 01x11 - The Confession
Alias 01x12 - The Box Part 1
Alias 01x13 - The Box Conclusion
Alias 01x14 - The Coup
Alias 01x15 - Page 47
Alias 01x16 - The Prophecy
Alias 01x17 - Q and A
Alias 01x18 - Masquerade
Alias 01x19 - Snowman
Alias 01x20 - The Solution
Alias 01x21 - Rendezvous
Alias 01x22 - Almost Thirty Years
Alias 02x01 - The Enemy Walks In
Alias 02x02 - Trust Me
Alias 02x11 - A Higher Echelon
Alias 02x12 - The Getaway
Alias 02x13 - Phase One
Alias 02x14 - Double Agent
Alias 02x15 - A Free Agent
Alias 02x16 - Firebomb
Alias 02x17 - A Dark Turn
Alias 02x18 - Truth Takes Time
Alias 02x19 - Endgame
Alias 02x20 - Countdown
Alias 02x21 - Second Double
Alias 02x22 - The Telling
Alias 3x01 - The two
Alias 3x02 - Succession
Alias 3x03 - Reunion
Alias 3x04 - A missing link
Alias 3x05 - Repercussions
Alias 3x06 - The nemesis
Alias 3x07 - Prelude
Alias 3x08 - Breaking point
Alias 3x09 - Conscious
Alias 3x10 - Remnants
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Alias 3x12 - Crossings
Alias 3x13 - After six
Alias 3x14 - Blowback
Alias 3x15 - Facade
Alias 3x16 - Taken
Alias 3x17 - The frame
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Alias 3x20 - Blood ties
Alias 3x21 - Legacy
Alias 3x22 - Resurrection
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Allegro non troppo
Alliance garden state
Along Came Polly
Along came a spider
Alt Om Min Far (All About My Father)
Alvarez Kelly CD1
Alvarez Kelly CD2
Alzheimer Case The (2003) CD1
Alzheimer Case The (2003) CD2
Amantes del Circulo Polar Los (1998)
Amants Criminels Les
Amar Akbar Anthony - Manmohan Desai 1977 CD1
Amar Akbar Anthony - Manmohan Desai 1977 CD2
Amelie From Montmartre CD1
Amelie From Montmartre CD2
Amelie or The Time To Love CD1
Amelie or The Time To Love CD2
American Movie - The Making Of Northwestern CD1
American Movie - The Making Of Northwestern CD2
American Pie (UK)
American Pie - Rated Version
American Pie 2
American Wedding (Unrated)
American Werewolf in London CD1
American Werewolf in London CD2
American in Paris An
Americas Sweethearts (2001)
Amerikanische Soldat Der (1970)
Amic-Amat (Beloved-Friend 1999)
Amiche Le 1955
Amityville 2 - The Possession 1982
Amityville 3 - The Demon 1983
Amityville 4 - The Evil Escapes 1989
Amityville Horror 5 - The Curse 1990
Amityville Horror 6 - Its About Time (1992)
Amityville Horror The CD1
Amityville Horror The CD2
Amor Brujo El (Carlos Saura 1986)
Amour en Fuite L
Amour en fuite Le 1979
An American Werewolf in Paris
An Autumn Afternoon 1962
Anacondas - The Hunt For The Blood Orchid
Analyze That (2002)
Analyze This (1999)
Anatomie 2 2003
Anatomy of a Murder 1959 CD1
Anatomy of a Murder 1959 CD2
And Starring Pancho Villa as Himself
And God Created Woman
And Starring Pancho Villa as Himself
Andaz Apna Apna
Andrei Rublev 1969 Directors Cut CD1
Andrei Rublev 1969 Directors Cut CD2
Angel Heart Devil Face
Angels In America - Chapter 1
Angels In America - Chapter 2
Angels In America - Chapter 3
Angels In America - Chapter 4
Angels In America - Chapter 5
Angels In America - Chapter 6
Angels With Dirty Faces 1938
Angels of the Universe
Anglaise et le duc La (Rohmer Eric 2001)
Animals Are Beautiful People
Anna In Kungfu Land 2003
Anne Frank - The Whole Story CD1
Anne Frank - The Whole Story CD2
Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Hall 1977
Anniversary Party The
Another 48 Hours
Another Heaven CD1
Another Heaven CD2
Any Given Sunday
Anywhere But Here
Apartment The CD1
Apartment The CD2
Apocalypse Now - Redux
Apollo 13 CD1
Apollo 13 CD2
Apollo 13 CD3
Appartement Le 1996 CD1
Appartement Le 1996 CD2
April Fools Day
Architekten Die 1990
Arizona Dream CD1
Arizona Dream CD2
Armata Brancaleone Le
Arme des ombres Le (Jean-Pierre Melville 1969) CD1
Arme des ombres Le (Jean-Pierre Melville 1969) CD2
Army in the Shadows 1969 CD1
Army in the Shadows 1969 CD2
Aro Tolbukhin En la Mente del Asesino (Agustin Villaronga 2002)
Around The World In 80 Days 2004 CD1
Around The World In 80 Days 2004 CD2
Around The World In 80 Days CD1
Around The World In 80 Days CD2
Arsenic And Old Lace 1944
Art Of War The
Arven (2003) CD1
Arven (2003) CD2
As Long As My Feet Will Carry Me CD1
As Long As My Feet Will Carry Me CD2
As bodas de Deus (1998) CD1
As bodas de Deus (1998) CD2
Asphalt Jungle The
Asterix In Britain 1986
Asterix and Obelix Mission Cleopatra 2002
At Close Range
At Kende Sanheden
Atlantis - The Lost Empire
Atlantis Milos Return 2003
Atlantis The Lost Empire
Attack The Gas Station
Au Hasard Balthazar
Audition The (1999 Japanese)
Austin Powers - International Man Of Mystery
Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged Me
Austin Powers I
Austin Powers in Goldmember
Autumn Sonata 1978
Avenging Fist The
Aventuras de Robinson Crusoe Las
Avventura La 1960 CD1
Avventura La 1960 CD2
Awara Paagal Deewana
Awful Truth The
Azul y Blanco
Azumi 2003 CD1
Azumi 2003 CD2