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Along Came Polly

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I, Reuben, take you, Lisa--
I, Reuben, take you, Lisa,
to be my lawfully wedded wife.
I do. I do.
Hey, Lois. The room looks beautiful.
Oh, thanks. And all the candles have been replaced...
with these mini-lamps you asked for, so now no more fire hazard. Great.
Hey, did we sanitize these things? Reuben!
- The best man is in the house! Ohh! - Oh!
- Oh, my God.! - Sandy, you okay
jorge, ice. The best man went down.
Dance floor's like a Slip 'N Slide, dude. I thought I told them not to wax this.
Twenty-three percent of the guests are over 7 0.
I don't want anyone breaking a hip. Okay. Don't worry. I'm gonna take care of it.
All right. I analyze risk for a living. It's my job to worry.
Okay, let me do the worrying 'cause you gotta get married. Right.
I'm good.
You got my note that Harry Bard at table seven is violently allergic to seafood
Yes. His chicken will go nowhere near the fish.
We're putting the finishing touches on the cake. This looks great. Lisa's gonna love it.
Hit me, dude.
Hey, aren't you that kid from Crocodile Tears?
That's right. I'm Sandy Lyle.
Man, I saw that movie in high school.
That bagpipe scene, that was the funniest shit, man.
We had a good time on that picture. You want an autograph
Ah, no, thanks. It's good to see you, man.
I thought you died, like, 1 5 years ago.
Ah. Nah. I'm very much alive, my friend.
I've been doing a lot of stage acting. Getting back to my roots.
- Sandy, we should get going 'cause-- - They're making an E.! True Hollywood Story on me,
so that should clear up a lot of your questions.
So they're really doing one of those shows about your life
Yeah. I got a camera crew following me around the next few weeks.
It's gonna be huge. Wow. That's cool.
Reuben. Two-minute warning. Lisa's on her way down. Okay, thanks.
Look, Reuben. Yeah.
Now, I'm asking you this because you're my oldest friend in the world.
Uh-huh. And I'm your wingman.
Okay. What
Are you sure you wanna do this
Sandy, there's not a doubt in my mind.
Okay I found the perfect woman.
We're totally in love.
My life's working out just like I planned.
Let's go get married. Okay.
- [ Glass Breaks ] - Mazel tov.!
Go on. Kiss each other.
Big smile, everyone! Come on. You love each other.
Smile, Grandma.
Having fun.
- [ Yelling ]
Whoa! [ Screams ]
[ Cloth Rips ] Ohh!
Hello, everybody. I'm Stan Indursky, Reuben's boss.
Thank you. You're very kind.
Now, Reub's not the sort of fellow to brag about his own success,
so I'm going to do it for him.
The fact is, this young man here...
is the best risk assessment expert...
in this whole meshugas we call the insurance business.
Irving, Vivian, you've raised a wonderful son.
Let's hear it for him.
Reuben, Lisa, let me just say...
that I would insure your marriage any day of the week.
Mazel, you two. Good things.
[ Woman ] Mazel Tov!
Oh, and, Lisa, don't tire him out too bad on the honeymoon.
- I need this kid fresh when he gets back. - [ Laughing ]
- Mazel, mazel.! Good things. - You know what, the truth is,
I've been waiting for this day my entire life.
And about four and a half years ago, I met a real estate agent named Lisa Kramer,
[ Woman ] Lisa.! who showed me an apartment,
which I rented just so she'd go out with me.
I gave him a good price. Yeah, not good enough.
She's a killer. No, seriously, um--
After about a month of dating, I knew she was the one.
[ Woman ] Aw. And I couldn't be happier...
that on this day that I've been dreaming about for so long,
the woman I'm standing next to... is you.
[ Lisa Laughing ] Oh, my goodness.!
I lost my shoe! Look at this place!
Oh, it's so pretty! It's beautiful.
What [ Screams ]
How's your bruise It's okay.
You know, it's a little sore.
You know, they really should tell you if they'rejust gonna let komodo dragons run loose around the hotel.
Really.
Oh! How about this one
Let's see. ""Recently renovated colonial in Montclair, three-bedroom.''
Sweetie, remember We took a virtual tour of this one on the Internet.
It was perfect, but just a little pricey.
Oh, right, right. That's right.
It's probably off the market anyway.
Why do you say that
'Cause I bought it.
You what
I bought it!
Uh-- [ Both Laughing ]
Reuben, I'm in shock. I mean, you just--you don't-- you don't do things like that.
You love it, right Yes, I do, but, Reuby--
We have a house! Oh, my God, we have a house!
Honey!
- Hi. Hello. - [ Laughs ] Oh!
- [ French Accent] How's it going - [ Chuckles ]
Uh, it's, uh, going great. Thank you.
So I see you gang are new to the island. I want to come have a meet with you, show you my boat.
That is my boat there on the sandbar.
- It's very, uh, big. - Yeah, it's pretty good size. It's good size.
So, tell me true, are you guys for scuba
What does that mean
I'm like the unofficial scuba king of St. Barts,
so if you are for scuba, I take you out on the boat,
I show you the coral reef,
and we have kinda like a-- like a scuba party.
That sounds great, but we're not certified, so we're gonna have to pass.
That is no biggie. I get you resort-certified couple of hour.
- Oh, I have always wanted to try it. - Yeah
Good. My name is Claude. What is, uh, you guys' name
Uh, my name is Reuben.
This is my wife, Lisa. "Leuban, '" I am here all afternoon.
All right, au revoir, Leuban, Lisa. Solid.
Solid.
Hi. Hello. How's it going
Leuban! Lisa!
Hey. Hi!
Hello.
Isn't this exciting It is. It's fun.
You know what I think I'm gonna skip the scuba diving.
Reuben, no. You called eight hotels. They all said that this guy was the best.
I know, but you know how I am about boats, and I'm feeling a little queasy.
Oh, no. Your stomach's acting funny
It's okay now, but I think it might-- You know how it gets, you know So why don't you go
We're on our honeymoon. I'm not gonna go without you.
No! You've been wanting to try this. I want you to go, okay
No. It'll be fun. I'll pick you up like at 4:00, all right
I love you. I love you too.
Okay Okay.
You're not for scuba, Leuban No, Claude.
- I'm gonna go run some errands in town. - [ Scoffs ]
But you guys go. You have fun. Can I talk to you for a second though
- Of course. - [ No Audible Dialogue ]
Hey, listen, this woman means more to me than anything else in the world,
so be careful 'cause scuba can be very dangerous if the proper precautions aren't taken.
Leuban, look to me in my eyeball.
I promise you I take care of Lisa as if she were my own flesh and blood.
Thank you. Okay
Okay. Okay. Solid!
Okay. Solid. Okay.
All right Are you ready Yeah, yeah.
So is there gonna be a little boat that comes over-- Alley-oop.
[ Screams ] Oh!
Ha ha!
Au revoir, Leuban. Bye-bye, honey.!
I love you.! I love you!
We'rejammin' jammin; jammin; jammin'
I'm jammed I hope you'rejammin'too
jam's about my pride and truth I cannot hide
To keep you satisfied
True love that now exist is the love I can't resist
Lisa! Claude! Sojam by my side
Guys? Hello.! We'rejammin'
Lisa
Knock, knock! [ Metal Clanging ]
Oh, my God.
[ Lisa Moaning ] Ooh la la.! Ooh la la.!
[ Glass Shatters ] Oh, my God!
Holy shit, Leuban! This is not what it look like.
- You're staying on the island with Claude - I'm a little confused right now, Reuben.
I think I need a little time just to figure things out.
What did you do to her Did you mess around with her oxygen tanks or something
I did nothing, Leuban. My name is not ""Leuban''! It is ""Reuben''!
Look, we had a scuba, we talk about life, we drink some white wine.
We cannot help it. It is like love at first sight.
She make like the fire in my trouser.
- Ohh! - What he's trying to say, Reuben, is that we didn't plan it.
Reuben, itjust--it happened.
It's like the story of the hippo.
I'm not familiar with that story.
The hippopotamus, he is not born going, ""Cool bean, I am a hippo.'' No way,Jose.
So he tried to paint the stripe on himself to be like the zebra, but he fool no one.
And then he tried to put the spot on his skin to be like the leopard,
but everyone know he is a hippo.
So at certain point, he look himself in the mirror, and hejust say,
""Hey, I am a hippopotamus, and there is nothing I can do about it.''
And as soon as he accepts this, he live life happy.
Happy as a hippo.
You understand
- I'm gonna kill you! - Reuben.! No, Reuben.!
- [ Gasps ] - Leuban, this is not the way!
You're gonna be fine, Reuben. No, I'm not gonna be fine.
I'm not gonna be fine at all.
- [ Engine Starts ] - And don't come back to me when you've changed your mind!
'Cause this ship has sailed.
[ Screams ] [ Horn Honks ]
Hey, Tina. Hey, Mitch.
Hey, Reub.
- Cheryl. - Hey.
[ Chattering Stops ]
[ Phone Ringing ] [ Woman ] Indursky and Sons, how may I help you?
[ Chattering Resumes ]
What
How does everyone know about this
Your mother called Mr. Indursky and told him what happened.
I am so sorry, Reuben. Thanks, Gladys.
Come here. Oh. Okay.
Thank you. All right.
I know, I know. Okay.
Fuck. Hey, there he is!
The big man's back. Hey.
Reub, come on in here. I want to spitball something with you.
All right. Can you give me a minute, Stan I'm just gonna run to the men's room.
I'll join you.
I heard about your honeymoon.
just terrible.
I knew that girl was a slut the second I met her.
Yeah, well, you know, it's kind of complicated.
Hey, don't make excuses. She's a dime-store hooker, and she always will be.
just put it behind you. Speaking of which,
you ever hear of a guy named Leland Van Lew
Um, Leland Van Lew. Yeah, yeah.
Australian guy, right Um, was on the cover of Forbes last year
Exactly. [ Farts ]
[ Urinating ] Yeah, he started one of those high-tech, modem-scrotum,
God only knows what they do companies anyway.
jesus Christ. They want to take the company public,
and if he wants to remain the C.E.O. of a publicly held company, guess what he needs.
Life insurance. Bingo was his name.
All right, you want me to check him out Yeah.
There's just one catch. [ Urinating Continues ]
Yeah This Van Lew has a reputation as a cowboy.
Apparently, he's one of these extreme sports nuts.
[ Splashing ] So it's a long shot,
but if you can pull this thing together, [ Zips ]
might be a lot of dough in it for us,
maybe a little extra bonus for you, help you with those house payments.
All right. Well, let's make sure he checks out first and-- You see
This is why you're the only one I can trust with these jobs.
I was worried that you'd been through hell and back with that whore wife of yours.
You sure you don't need some more time off
Mm-hmm. I'm good. Absolutely sure
Yeah, no, I'm fine. Yeah All right
All right, good things.
[ Car Door Closes ]
[ Man On Megaphone ] Excuse me.
This is private property. Oh, yeah. No, I know.
I just bought this house. I move in next month.
Oh, sure. Mr. Phifer, right Feffer.
Yeah, but you can just call me Reuben.
- Okay, then. Welcome to the neighborhood. - Thanks.
[ On Megaphone ] Sorry about your wife, Reuben.
[ Reuben ] First of all, I just want to say thank you to everybody for coming out,
and this has just been an incredible day and night.
It's just so great to see all these people, friends and family and-- [ Doorbell Rings ]
To tell you the truth, I've been waiting for this day my entire life.
I'm so sorry, Reuben. Oh. Thanks.
Thanks, Sandy. Whatever you need, I'm here for you, brother.
Thank you. We're rolling.
Hey! Sound speed.
What the hell is this You remember Dustin and Vic.
- They're doing the E.! True Hollywood Story on me. - Right.
Sorry about your wife.
Sandy, do you want us over here Put it over by the table.
Are you sure Yeah.
Is this better Oh, yeah, thanks.
Look, you can forget it. I'm not going to a party.
What do you think is gonna happen Lisa's gonna come waltzing through that door, saying she made a mistake
No, of course not. I'm just---
I'm trying to make sense out of what the hell she did.
I mean, what can I say? You're my best friend.
Oh, oh! Hold on. Let me see something here. You're my partner.
You're my wife. Man, it feels good to say that.!
Ah, and, uh--
[ Tape Rewinding ] You're my wife. Man, it feels good to say that!
- What - Check out her expression. She's terrified.
- She's smiling. - I'm a student of acting, Reuben.
She's faking it.
The woman got spooked.
She needed to explore, which is exactly what you're gonna do.
You've been given the gift of freedom. Don't turn your back on that.
I don't want freedom, Sandy! I want to be married!
I bought a goddamn house! I got to move out of this apartment in like six weeks!
- [ Laughing ] - Look at her.
She's not thinking about having a deep, committed relationship...
with a complex individual like yourself.
- She's not - No.! She's daydreaming about having hot, shallow sex with a French nudist.!
"Oh, I'm hugging. Oh, I love you so much. '"Liar.!
[ Elevator Motor Whirring ] So whose party is this again
It's an art opening for this Dutch guy,Jost.
His art sucks, but he used to sell me really good pot.
Oh, man, I'm so friggin' horny.
[ Dance ]
Look,just don't leave me alone, okay
I haven't been to a party by myself in a long time.
Relax. I'm your wingman.
I'll be right by your side the whole time.
So what do we do Do we, like, get a drink...
or take a lap around the--
Sandy
- More wine - Sure.
- Thank you. - This party is so boring,
and there are no cute guys here. I haven't noticed.
I'm appreciating the art.
I'm not looking for cute guys.
Oh, so you've sworn off men since you dumped your last boyfriend
He was not my boyfriend. We went out for like three days. It was two months!
Really Yeah.
I hope he doesn't have to buy that now.
Oh, my God! I think I know that guy.
[ Bell Rings ]
Reuben
You're Reuben Feffer, right
Uh, yes. I'm Polly... Prince.
We went to junior high or middle school or whatever it's called together.
You were next to me-- Yeah! Polly Prince!
Yes! No, it's coming back to me now. You left before high school.
Yeah, after seventh grade. My mom and I, we moved to Michigan.
And now you live here in New York Yeah, moved here a few months ago.
So, you know-- Yup. Wow.
[ Giggles ]
Friend of yours Yeah, that's Roxanne.
She does that with, uh, bread, wine bottles and--
Anyway, uh, so what's your deal You've got to be married with kids...
and the whole thing.
No, I'm not. I'm single. Yeah, I haven't taken the plunge.
- Oh. - Can I talk to you for a sec
Yeah. Hey, Sandy, this is Polly Prince. Remember From middle school Hey, how you doing
Wow. Okay. Sandy Lyle.
Last time I saw you, you were playing bagpipes in that movie.
Croco Tears. Yep, that's me.
[ Laughs ] Polly, can I have a word with you
Yeah. Sorry. Excuse us.
What happened to you Reuben, I'm in a situation here. We have to leave now.
No. Can we stay a couple more minutes Dude, no.
This is serious. I just sharted.
I don't know what that means. I tried to fart and a little shit came out.
I just sharted. Now let's go.
You're the most disgusting person I've ever met in my life.
You have to walk around and pour wine. Mm-hmm.
Polly Focus for one second, okay I'm sorry.
So, hey, guy. I got to go circulate. [ Chuckles ]
Um, but-- So, Sandy, you're good though You're still acting
I am. Yeah. It's going incredibly well.
I'm actually headlining a new revival of Jesus Christ Superstar.
That's great! Yeah.
Well, it was really good seeing you guys. Yeah, you too.
Okay. See ya. All right. Bye, Polly.
- Be good. - Bye. More wine
Polly Prince.
It's funny, huh Seeing her.
Are you okay Great. Thank you.
Huh. She looks good.
Let it rain!
So I did a lot of thinking last night, and there's something I'm pretty excited about.
What's up Nice.
Let it rain! I feel like I might be ready to move on.
You know, get my life back on track.
So, I am going to ask Polly Prince on a date.
Oh, that's a mistake! She's not right for you, dude.
Rain dance!
Hey, you guys want to play some twos
Actually, we're kind of in the middle of a conversation, so-- You douche bags bring your ""A'' game
What was that
I'm just messing with you, sasquatch. Let's get it on.
Pick and roll! Pick and roll! Outlet! Outlet!
Rain dance! Sandy, come on.
Sandy! Sandy! Sandy!
[Yells] Sandy!
Sandy! White chocolate!
Raindrop!
Old school!
""T.'' "" T.''
Time-out. I'm burning. My lungs are burning.
Time-out. Time-out. So why do you think Polly's so wrong for me
[ Panting ]
You don't even know this girl, Reuben.
You haven't seen her since seventh grade.
How different could she be I mean, she was a senior delegate at the Model U.N.
She was in the chess club. She was a ""mathlete.''
Her yearbook stats are really impressive. Did you see the tattoo on her back
Yeah. So what
Mathletes don't wear body art like that. 'Nuff said. Ball in!
I really feel like I ran into Polly for a reason.
Really. I mean, I'm sorry if you don't agree, Sandy,
but I happen to believe in a little thing called destiny.
You guys ready
You know what You think maybe you could put your shirt back on
You guys ready to play
Good shot. Good shot.
Could I have the ball for a second Could I have the ball
Hey, you know what Could we switch
I'd rather not, dude. I just found out how to cover this man right here, okay
Come on, let's play.
[ Groans ]
Ohh!
Yes, can I get the number for a Polly Prince, please
Prince with a ""P.''
Okay, great. And can I get the address as well
[ Beeps ] [ Line Ringing ]
[ Polly ] Hello
[ Phone Ringing ]
- Oh, shit! - [ Ringing Continues ]
[ Answering Machine ] Hi. This is Reuben. No!
I am unable to get to the phone right now, No! No!
but please leave a detailed message after the beep.
If you're calling for--
Yeah
Yeah
Yeah, I've always been this way
Never known any other way to feel
Got the right of way
And all of the others must yield
But I'm naked
And I'm in school
Oh.
And I can't make it
To the door Polly
[ Cell Phone Beeps ]
Gladys, I got to call you back.
Reuben [ Laughs ] Hey.!
Hi. Hi. This is so funny. I didn't know you lived down here.
Yeah, yeah, I do. Hey, do you live around here too
Yeah. No, I don't. I don't live down here.
Hey. Did you call me last night
Um, no, I don't think so.
Are you sure 'Cause I got a hang-up,
so I did that star-69 thingy, and I swore I got your answering machine.
Really You know, I heard that from a few people.
So maybe, I don't know, the phone lines got crossed or something.
Oh, you doing some shopping Oh. Yeah.
I-- Gosh. I spent like 200 bucks on this loofah. Hmm.
And it's supposed to be like specially made in Sweden or something.
Wow. So, yeah.
Would you like to go to dinner sometime Oh.
Oh, yeah. Okay. You know, I'm not-- I'm not sure.
Okay. Really
I mean, not that I wouldn't-- I'd like to.
It'd be great to catch up on stuff and all that. I just--
I got to check my schedule. All right, well, how about I'll give you my card.
Here you go. Okay.
Ah! And on the back I've written my home and my cell number, so--
There's also a fax number. Right on.
And, um, there's a pager number too.
Reuben Feffer, senior risk assessment ""analysist.'' Right.
Analyst. Analyst. Analyst.
Yeah. Right. Right.
- All right. - [ Keys jingling ]
- I'll see you. - See ya.
Oh.
See ya. See you later.
[ Fanfare ]
Leland Van Lew's office. This is Deborah.
Hey, Deborah. It's Reuben Feffer from Indursky and Sons calling for Mr. Van Lew.
Ah, right. The insurance man. I'm afraid Leland's in the hospital.
He got bit while swimming with great whites last week. I'm sorry?
Swimming with who Great white sharks. But don't worry.
It was only a flesh wound. [ Phone Ringing ]
Gladys! He's due in Los Angeles next week.
Should I set something up for then Okay, you know what, Deborah Could you hang on one second, please
No worries. Reuben Feffer.
Hi, Reuben. It's Polly Prince.
Oh, hey, Polly! How's it going Good.
I'm just calling to say that, um, I'm free tomorrow night if you want to get together.
Yeah, I would love to get together. That'd be great.
Should I, um-- Should I pick a restaurant or--
Oh, no, no. You know what I should probably just check my schedule, see if I can even do it.
Okay. I'm-- Did you say you were free
Yeah, no, I'm actually not sure. But okay, I'll talk to you later.
Bye. Hello. Okay. Hello. Hello, Polly
[ Man ] One, two, three and--
What's the buzz Tell me what's a-happenin'
What's the buzz Tell me what's a-happenin'
What's the buzz Tell me what's a-happenin'
What's the buzz Tell me what's a-happenin'
What's the buzz Tell me what's a-happenin'
What's the buzz Tell me what's a-happenin'
Why should you want to know
Don't you mind about the future
Don't you try to think ahead Uh, Sandy
Save tomorrow for tomorrow
Think about today instead Sandy.!
What
I'm playing Jesus. That's my song.
I know it's your song, but I felt something, and I decided to go with it.
But you're playing Judas.
judas. All right, look. Here's the deal. I'm the star of the show, okay
So if I decide to bust out a solo, do me a favor and give me the freedom to rock out.
From the top, okay, Wonsuk?
So the play's going well
Yeah, I think it's gonna be fun.
I mean, I just wish they wouldn't surround me with a bunch of amateurs.
Uh-huh. Isn't that like the point of community theater Whatever, Reuben.
So I'm going on a date with Polly.
All right! Where are you taking her
I don't know. Some restaurant in the East Village.
She left the address on my machine.
How could you let Polly pick the restaurant
Well, I had no choice. She called me, like, seven times...
to confirm and then cancel and then confirm again.
Why What's wrong with letting her pick the place
You've got irritable bowel syndrome, dude.
If she chose an ethnic restaurant, you're gonna be running to the bathroom every five seconds.
Oh, my God. You're right.
Thank you.
You know, I doubt it'll get this far, but if she turns out to be easier than I thought,
there's something you need to know.
I'm not a virgin, Sandy.
No, not technically, but times have changed since you were last single.
Now, listen, when I'm making out with a girl for the first time,
I like to give her a little spankin'.
What Nothing violent.
You just tap her real light right on the tushy and say,
""Hey, I'm your daddy. I'm your daddy.''
Listen to me.
What are you doing? I'm blotting the grease.
That's the best part. Let me see that. Listen, don't be shy.
- It's just a little tap. It's like saying, ""Boop, I'm your daddy.'' - I'm not gonna tap her.
Brings 'em right back to childhood. Trust me, they're putty in your hands after that.
I gotta tell you, I'm really excited about this. Really.
I feel like this could be one of those...
defining moments of my life or something, you know
[ Laughs ] Yeah, I actually think it's not gonna work out,
but I'm pulling for you, Reub.
just pray to God she doesn't go ethnic.
The place didn't sound ethnic.
What was the name? Al Hafez.
[ Middle Eastern ]
So when did you live in Morocco
In the late '90s. I bounced around to a bunch of different places over the past few years.
Oh, yeah Like where Oh, God, where
Let's see, Austin, Istanbul, Sri Lanka, Portland,
Costa Rica, Buffalo, a couple other places.
Wow. Were you in the Peace Corps No, I just like to move a lot.
I kinda get stir-crazy if I'm stuck in one place for too long, you know what I mean
- Oh, yeah, completely. - [ Both Laughing ]
No, remember You were the person who broke-- Oh, my God!
I can't believe you remember that. Oh, of course.
You were like the greatest delegate in Model U.N. history.
I guess I did manage to pass a few resolutions.
[ Laughs ]
Are you okay 'Cause you're sweating pretty profusely.
Yeah, no, I'm fine. I always react this way to spicy food.
Okay. Yeah, but I love it.
I can't believe you're not married. I mean, even when we were kids,
I always saw you as that guy that would settle down at a young age,you know?
You were always kinda like an old young guy. Yeah, well, it just hasn't happened.
[ Stomach Growling ] But, uh, what about you You ever gotten close or--
To the whole marriage thing Oh, God, no. No way.
No,yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm not really big on the whole, um, long-term commitment thing.
Mm-hmm. Why Are you coming out of a bad relationship or--
No, I'm kinda coming out of like eight bad relationships.
- Eight - You sure I can't get you a towel or something
No, no. I'm good. But if the right person came along, things might be different, right
Oh, yeah.
You're probably right. [ Stomach Growling ]
Sorry. Um--
- Hey, you mind if I go to the men's room - Please.
Sure. Oh, gosh!
[ Man ] Occupied. I'm gonna be here all night, dude.
All right, well, this is me. Great.
Why don't you come upstairs and, uh, I'll make you some coffee or tea.
Okay, great.
I just gotta find my keys here. Oh, shoot.
- [ Stomach Growling ] - They're right there, I hear 'em.
[ Growling Continues ]
Oh, yeah. Okay.
Oh, wow. This is great. It's so cozy.
Thanks. Did you just move in or--
No. I've been here about four months. Uh-huh.
- [ Yelps ] Rat! Rat in the house! - Oh, no, no.
This is Rodolfo. He's a ferret.
I got him in Sicily at a flea market years ago.
He's old. He can't really see anymore.
Cute. Hey, you mind if I use your bathroom
Oh, sure,yeah. Oh, actually, that's not the bathroom.
- My bathroom's right here. - Oh. Okay.
Yeah, 'cause I just, uh, had a lot to drink, a lot of water. I'll just be a second.
Okay, take your time. [ Door Closes ]
Ohh! I don't believe this. [ Small Fart ]
[ Squeaks ]
- Go away. Go away. - [ Squeaks]
Go! Go! Shoo! Poo!
- [ Farting Continues ] - Oh, God.
[ Squeaky Fart ] Ohh!
[ Big Fart ]
[ Shower Running ]
Oh, no.
[ Shower Running ]
[ Toilet Flushes ]
Oh, God, I beg you, please. If you make this water go down,
I will sit at your feet, and I will serve you for all of eternity.
I'll adopt a Somalian kid, or I'll work in Calcutta, or I'll--
Please,just make the water--
- No! No! - [ Squeaking ]
Oh, my God.! [ Yelps ]
This was fun. Yes.
Hmm. If I'd known your grandmother had embroidered that towel,
I would've never-- Oh, really, you know what, that's okay.
Okay, well--
Good night, Polly. Good night, Reuben.
Good night. Oh, okay.
All right, okay. Oh. All right. That's nice. Okay, so--
[ Sandy ] Dude, why would you make number two in her apartment
She asked me to come upstairs. I mean, what should I have done
[ Woman Singing ] Tell her you're tired and shag ass out of there.
Guys. I called her to apologize.
What was that I called her to apologize.
But it doesn't really matter 'cause I doubt she'll ever want to see me again.
You know what I gotta call you back. Cool.
[ Elevator Dings ] Mr. Van Lew?
Feffer Yes. Hi. Reuben Feffer.
I recognized you from the Forbes cover.
You're way early, sport. Come on, then. Get in.
Is this the service elevator
Yeah. I don't think we'll have a problem with this insurance business.
Sure, I take chances, but, hey, you can't build a successful business without the occasional risk.
Oh, of course. What I'm trying to determine are the kinds of risks you actually do take.
I only take the calculated ones. Trust me, I plan on being round for ages yet.
Well, I know we'd really love to give you a policy if we can make it work.
We'll make it work, sport. Great.
So, uh, what are we doing on the roof
I'm just gonna do a bit of a BASE jump.
Here. Keep the walkie on channel 1 3, all right
I don't know what you're talking about. A BASE jump. A free-fall from an inanimate object.
I always carry me chute in case I find a good launching point. Oh, no.
[ Cell Phone Ringing ] All right, look, just don't do anything, all right
Reuben Feffer. Hey, Reuben, it's Polly Prince.
Hey, Polly! How's it going I'll give you a shout when I'm through, all right
No! No, that's not all right. Polly, can I call you back in a second
Okay. I just wanted to tell you I got your message, and you know what
Let's just start over and forget about that whole loofah thing. Holy shit!
No.! Yahoo!
Oh! Holy shit! I didn't like that loofah.
- [ Screams ] - Relax. Leland's meeting with the insurance guy right now.
[ Screaming ]
- Oh! - Oh, crap!
Oh, shit! I'll just call you in the next few days. Bye!
Leland to Feffer, Leland to Feffer. You there, mate?
Yes, Feffer to Leland, hello
Come on down and give us a hand.
I think I might have fractured me coccyx.
[ Sitar ]
[ Polly ] Oh, look at that. You got me a new loofah.
Yeah, it's from Finland, and the salesman said it has a very ergonomic design, so--
Oh, Reuben, that's really-- thank you-- really sweet.
Oh, my God! [ Laughs ] I don't believe this!
Oh, what are you doing here
We're having an early supper. I wanted your father to try new cuisines.
Really It's only 3:00. It's a crime to beat the dinner crowds
Who is this young woman
This is Polly Prince. Polly, these are my parents. No!
Irving and Vivian Feffer. Polly, it's so good meeting you.
- How are you - I can't believe you're eating Indian. You hate spicy food.
- No, I don't, Mom. - [ No Audible Dialogue ]
Well, I'm gonna-- Psst! I'm gonna ask-- [ Snaps Fingers ]
I'm gonna ask this nice Native American man to get us a bigger table.
Mom, they're Indian. You can call them Indian. It's okay.
Hi. Need big table, please. Four people.
Many thanks.
Okay.
Now, how do you kids know each other I told you.
Mom, we went to middle school together. We were both delegates in the Model U.N.
Oh, you still work in government, honey
No, no. I'm a waitress.
- Mm. - She's also writing a children's book.
Oh, very nice. Reu, you'll never guess who I ran into yesterday.
Who's that Lisa's mother.
That's good. Hey, Dad, did you try this-- What is this stuff called?
- Sag. - Sag. Did you try this
Apparently, Lisa's doing wonderfully down there in St. Barts,
- selling villas, happy. - That's good for her.
- Now, who's Lisa - Nah.
- Not important. - Lisa's Reuben's wife.
- Mm. Oh. - She left him for another man on their honeymoon.
- Oh. - Are we ready for the check I think I'll take the check.
- [ Sighs ] - What
Well, you know, your dad seems really nice.
Yes. A man of few words. [ Chuckles ] Yeah.
Hey, look, I just want you to know I was gonna tell you about Lisa.
I just, um-- I was embarrassed, and I...
I guess 'cause I hadn't seen you for so long and-- Oh, it's so okay.
I understand. No, I was an idiot.
I should've just told you the truth right from the start.
Reuben, I'm really-- I'm not upset. But when did this happen
Two weeks ago.
Two weeks ago
Oh, my God! Are you okay
Well, it was a pretty big shock. [ Scoffs ]
I walked in on her, on Lisa,
with, um, a scuba instructor on the first day of our honeymoon.
They were still wearing their flippers. Anyway--
[ Chuckles ] Oh.
I mean-- Ohh!
[ Beeps ]
Hey, Reuben! Uh, it's Polly... Prince.
Um, I don't know if you have any plans tonight,
but if not, you should swing by, uh, 37 Gansevort Street...
around 9:00 if you can make it.
You know, it's no big deal, but it could be fun.
So, you know, think about it.
Okay, so, um, I'll see you later... or not. I mean either way.
And-- Oh, if you do come, you should wear comfortable shoes.
That is if you come. But you totally don't have to.
I mean, I might not even be there.
I am so glad that you came. Yeah. I wore my comfortable shoes just like you said.
[ Laughs ] So what are we doing
Oh, crap.
[ Salsa ]
This place is a total secret. It is the best underground salsa club in New York.
Yeah, you know, I'm not really a big dancer. I don't know--
Oh, come on. You know what It's easier than it looks.
Oh! Oh, okay. There you go. just feel it in your legs.
All right. Okay. Ow!
Sorry, sorry. That's okay.Just step on my feet a little less than that.
Work it
Hey, hey, hey, hey.! Looking good, Pollyanna.
- Hey,Javi. - [javi Mumbling ]
You stop that. This is my friend Reuben.
- Hey. - This is Javi.
Hey, you mind if I dance with the beautiful lady
- Um, I guess not. Yeah. - All right, thanks, man.
[ Spanish ]
[ Slow Tempo ]
Hey. Hi!
I think I might take off. Really
Yeah.
Are you having a bad time No, no, no!
I'm just not into this whole dirty dancing thing.
What do you mean, dirty dancing
I saw that movie. I know that's what you and that, uh, Spaniard were doing.
Whoa. Wait a minute. First of all, he's Cuban,
and that wasn't dirty dancing, that was just salsa.
Okay, it's just I'm just really, truthfully not the kind of guy...
that's ever gonna be into these kind of clubs or any--
Okay, Reuben, you know, then tell me, what kind of guy are ya
What kind of guy am I What do you mean
Well, up until now, you haven't exactly been the portrait of honesty, so just come clean, okay
just tell me who you are.
I hate spicy food. I knew it!
Yeah, I don't like it at all. I have a mild case of I.B.S. and-- What is that
Irritable bowel syndrome.
What? Irritable bowel syndrome.
Oh, God. That's terrible.
Um, what else Look, the thing is,
I assess risk for a living, so I know that I have a .01 3% chance...
of being hit by a car on my way home,
or a one in 46,000 chance of falling through a subway grate.
Really So I try to manage that risk by avoiding danger...
and having a plan and knowing what my next move is,
and I guess you don't exactly live your life that way.
No, I do it-- I do it a little differently. Yeah, which is great.
But I'm not gonna ever be a dirty dancer,
and I don't eat food with my hands,
and I really like you, but I just don't think this is gonna work out.
I just have to go pee. Okay.
[ Soul ]
[ Water Running ]
Just kidding.! Oh.!
[ Mock Chuckle ] Funny.
[ Woman Vocalizing ]
Do it, do it
Do it again
Do it again
Let's do it again
I wanna do it again
Sometimes the rain
- Hey. - Hi.
Like you and me, baby
Gettin'down with the sounds around
Oh, the smell of the morning flower
As we pass away the hours
I wanna do it again
Do it again Do it
[ Stops ] Ow!
Did you just spank me
No! I don't-- No.
Mm-mmm. Are you sure
'Cause it felt like you just swatted me. No, no, you--
I have a little crick in my wrist. You just felt that little--
I was just-- Do you hear that Really
Yeah. You hear that Well, I got it out. Yeah.
Yeah. [ Mutters, Indistinct ]
[ Salsa ]
[ Reuben Thinking ] Oh, wow. This is incredible.
Oh, man.
Oh, God. Oh, yeah.
Oh, no! No, no. You can't be done yet.
Come on, Reuben, focus. You have to last at least five minutes here.
Four minutes, 27, 26, 25.
Two minutes 20, 1 9, 1 8, 1 7.
Come on. You can do it.
5 5, 54, 53, 52, 51 -- Oh, God!
Fifty!
[ Giggles ] Fifty
Yeah, 50! Whoo!
[ Sandy ] Let it rain.!
I tell ya, I think I might end up marrying this woman.
Really? After one night?
Did you spank her
Yeah, I tried, but I don't think she liked it.
Yeah, some women find it offensive.
Iceman!
I did not sleep with him out of charity.
You weren't interested till you found out his wife boned some other guy on their honeymoon.
That's not it. He is a kind, decent, solid guy.
I've never been with anybody like that.
Still sounds like a charity boning. Hi. Thank you.
Do you have to use the word ""bone'' every time
I use it when it's appropriate.
Have you ever heard of a guy shouting out ""50'' when he orgasmed Yeah.
Yeah
Okay, so throw pillows go in this cabinet here.
Oh, you don't-- you don't sleep on these
No, no, they're... decorative.
- For who - What do you mean
You're the only one who sees them, but you don't sleep on them.
Then you take them off the bed every night, put 'em in a box, take them out of the box.
I just don't understand the point.
I don't know. I mean, Lisa thought they looked nice.
Oh. I see. Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't see what the big deal is. They make the bed look nice.
Hey!
What are you doing That's goose down! I'm liberating you.
Try it. No!
I'm not gonna-- just one stab. Come on. See how you feel.
Come on! This is ridiculous.
It's not ridiculous.
It's not like driving a knife into a pillow is suddenly gonna make me feel--
Wow. That feels really good.
Huh? Right? [ Chuckles ] Yeah!
- What did I tell you - You know what You're right.
Come on. Bigger one. What is the point of these things really
No point. They're stupid. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Ha! Ha! Ha! I mean, what, am I running a bed-and-breakfast
Not anymore. You know how many minutes a day...
I spend getting throw pillows on and off the bed How many?
Four minutes in the morning, four minutes at night. That's eight minutes of my life.
I figured it out. It's 56 minutes a week. That's nearly two days of my life a year I spent putting pillows on and off a stupid bed!
Ha! Ha! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
[ Yelling ] Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Wait, wait, wait. You hit mattress. - Oh, yeah. [ Sighs ]
You know what I really gotta go. I'm late.
Shoot. [ Reuben ] What's wrong You lose your keys again
No, they're just not where I left them before.
Hey, why don't you use that key finder I bought you Reuben, I don't...
I think it could help. need the stupid key finder!
All right. Anyway, I was thinking I'd come meet you.
Really I thought you hated dirty dancing clubs. [ Beeping ]
No, it's just salsa. It'll be fun. I'll watch.
Hey, what's that noise Nothing.
It's the key finder, isn't it No, it's so not the key finder.
Yes, it is! It is not the key finder. I'll see you later. Bye.
Yes, it-- Oh! How
[ Man Singing In Spanish ]
Hey, Reuby Tuesday. Como estas?
Yeah. Doin' all right.
You know what Actually, me no estas too good,Javier.
I want you to stay away from Polly, all right
Find yourself another dance partner.
- Why - Why
Because she and I are a couple, all right Yeah, we're dating.
And I'm not gonna let some big shot salsa king...
sweep in with your mambo moves and your Erik Estrada look...
and come in and try to take her away, because I've had that happen before and it's not gonna happen again.
- Reuben, I am gay. - Hey, I don't care what you-- What
I'm homosexual. My boyfriend Hector, he plays the keyboards in the house band.
Oh.
Hey, you think maybe you could give me some salsa lessons
[ Salsa ]
Huh.
You hated it. No, I don't.
It's just-- It's very graphic for a children's book.
You know, like this one: ""The Boy with a Nub for an Arm.''
Well, that one has a moral.
You know, to teach kids they gotta be careful when they're playing with fireworks.
Right. No, and-and I think it's brilliant, by the way. Seriously. Uh-huh.
I mean, like, you really convey...
the pain and the fear, and I love the little doggy too.
But-- And I don't mean this in a bad way. Right.
just what were you thinking
[ Salsa ]
So I put all the risks and rewards into the program, Okay. Right.
which helps me finalize my recommendations.
"Leland Van Lew. '" Ooh.! BASE jumping.!
That is supposed to be so much fun. That should be on the rewards side.
It's one of the most dangerous activities a human being can do.
Really Have you done it Yeah.
Have I parachuted off the top of a building No. Uh-huh.
No No.
So how do you know what it's like
I don't. Huh. Interesting.
Would you like some more bulgogi Sure.
Yeah Yeah, thanks.
I actually like this. Yeah, it's good. You do
[ Vomiting Loudly ]
Now you look like a pro racquetballer. How's that shirt fit, all right
Uh, yeah, it's fine. You know, I was thinking maybe we can just sit and talk.
I'm not really a big raquetball player. No worries.
We'll just get up a bit of a sweat. Have a few giggles.
- [ Yelling ] - [ Screams ]
So I've been running the numbers,
and I gotta say... things aren't looking too good from our end.
Bollocks!
[ Groans ] Geez!
Leland, I mean, it's not just the BASE jumping.
It's the heli-skiing, [ Yells ]
volcano luging, shark diving.
Bottom line is, unless you drastically alter your lifestyle,
we won't be able to insure you.
Reuben, I came to you for a reason.
I was told that you had more imagination...
than any of the other blokes in the big firms--
that you analyze the man and not just the numbers.
I guess I was wrong.
Are you trying to manipulate me Of course I am.
But I wanna hold onto me company. [ Yells ]
- Oh! - I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna be in Nantucket at the end of the month.
You'll come up and be my guest aboard the 'Roo Shooter.
Aboard the what My sailboat.
I'll take you for a bit of a sail, give you a chance to really get to know me.
And I guarantee you by the end of the weekend, you'll know what a safe bet I really am.
Yeah, you know what Uh, you're bleeding pretty bad.
Yeah, I think I've swallowed a tooth or something.
Oh!
No. Got it. [ Chuckles ]
Your serve.
[jazz ] So I tell Leland we can't insure him.
He responds by inviting me up to Nantucket for some Death Ray Sailing Challenge.
Really Yeah.
Oh, we gotta go do that. I've never been to Nantucket. You wanna come
I would-- Well, can-- Is that rude Is it all right if I invite myself
No! That'd be great. Okay, good. So you're actually gonna commit to something in advance.
Yeah-- Oh. Oh, my God.
Okay, yeah, I am. I think that would be really fun.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What
What are you doin' I'm-I'm gonna have some nuts.
No. You don't eat mixed nuts at a bar. Everybody knows that.
What are you talking about
Okay. Let's say, uh,
conservatively, I don't know, 1 7 people eat these nuts on a given night.
Okay? If they've been here for even two weeks, we're talking about...
238 people who dipped their dirty hands into that bowl.
Dirty-- Why are their-- Why are their hands dirty
On average, only one out of every six people wash their hands when they go to the bathroom.
[ Gasps ] Yeah, so when you think you're innocently eating a little bar snack,
you're actually ingesting potentially deadly bacteria from about 39 soil-handed strangers.
I mean, people wonder why they get E. coli poisoning or salmonella or hepatitis,
when all they gotta do is look at the snack bowl at their local watering hole.
I'm not being neurotic. No.
It's an absolute hot zone in there.
How could you have eaten those
I-I-I-I mean, I made such a compelling argument.
I like to live life on the edge.
Oh. Thank you. Yeah. You never know.
[ Sighs ] [ Salsa ]
[ Ends ] Reuben, I mean, you don't have to do this.
I don't care that you-- that you don't know how to dance.
No, I thought I'd give it one last try. Hey,Javi.
Hey, Reuben. You ready
Uh-huh. What is happening
- [ Shouts In Spanish ] - [ Polly ] What?
- [ Singing In Spanish ] - What are you doing
Tzzz!
Yi.!
[ Yells ]
Yi, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi!
[ Ends ]
I don't even know where that ""yi, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi'' thing came from. It was just awesome.
[ Polly ] Holy shit.!
What are you doing here
I'm back.
Who's this
Who's this This is my girlfriend. What
- You have a girlfriend - I'm not your girlfriend.
I mean, we'rejust kind of-- Hi, I'm Polly.
Lisa. [ Polly ] Right.
So, yeah. You know, you guys probably have a lot to talk about.
So I'm just gonna go. No, no, no, no, no. I don't want you to go.
That's okay. Please. I wanna go. Bye, Lisa. Nice to meet you. I don't--
I don't want you to go. I'm just gonna-- You gotta talk about it.
I'm just gonna go.
[ Scoffs ] [ Reuben ] I don't understand.
I mean, I thought-- I thought you were really happy with Claude.
I-I was for a few weeks. But then all he ever talked about was scuba diving.
- Really - I missed you.
Reuben-- I missed you too, but-- I mean, come on!
What was I supposed to do I moved on. I'm in a relationship.
- What, with that Polly person - Yeah.
She doesn't even call herself your girlfriend.
She-- That's-- No. She just doesn't like the phrasing.
Oh, okay. Okay. Then let mejust ask you this.
Are you really gonna spend the rest of your life with her
I don't know, Lisa.
Because I'm ready to do that with you, Reuben.
I made a mistake and I took you for granted,
but I promise you that I will never, ever hurt you again.
I love you, Reuben.
You know what I think, um--
I think you should, um, go stay with your parents, okay,
'cause I gotta be out of here in a week.
What are you talking about? Where are you going? Where am I going
I'm going into the house, remember The house that I bought for us to live in.
Well, then, let's-let's do it together. Let's go move into our house.
You don't just-- No, we can't just go-- I can't--
No. I can't--
I don't even know what to say right now, okay So--
Okay.
[ Polly ] If you wanna get back together with her,just let me know.
No, I'm not planning on getting back together with her.
I wouldn't be seeing you if I was planning-- It's cool, you know
You guys are married. She came back. All right, Polly--
How's it coming with Herb Lazare, D.D.S. Hello
I haven't even gotten into it yet. I'm-I'm still working on Van Lew.
Wait a minute. I thought you decided on Van Lew two weeks ago.
We're presenting to AFLAC on Wednesday.
Polly, can you hang on a second just hang on one second. No, I kinda have to go.
You better not be bonus hunting on me, Reuben. Bonus hunting?
Stan, the man's career is on the line. I owe it to him to give him a thorough analysis.
All right.
I'm going to Barbados with my mistress for the weekend.
I want this Van Lew thing settled by the time I get back. All right
I am on it, and I'm gonna make it happen.
Good things. Good things.
[ Dial Tone ] Polly
Oh, damn! [ Doorbell Rings ]
Hey, pal. Hey, Larry.
Lisa dropped this off for you.
Oh. Thanks.
[ Reuben's Voice ] I met a real estate agent named Lisa Kramer...
who showed me an apartment, which I rentedjust so she'd go out with me.
[ Lisa's Voice ] I gave him a good price. Yeah, not good enough.
She's a killer.!
[ Rock ]
Hey, hey, hey, hey
I just can't believe she came back. [ Continues, Indistinct ]
Can we please just focus for a second I'm almost finished.
What's next Polly's career prospects.
Risky. She's writing a children's book where kids get maimed.
Yeah, see, I think her lack of career is actually a positive,
'cause she'd have more time to spend with the kids.
[ Sandy ] You're skewing the numbers in Polly's favor, Reuben.
Why are we even doing this?
Because I'm confused, Sandy.
I mean, my goddamn wife shows up on my doorstep...
wanting to get back together, Polly's freaking out.
I just wanna make sure I'm making the right decision.
[ Moans ]
I don't see how putting these two girls in the Riskmaster's gonna help you make up your mind.
Mmm.
Interesting. What's it say?
Polly.
Polly Yeah.
No way. You should just cut your losses and get back with Lisa.
Nah, I checked it, like, three times. The program says she's the safer choice. Whatever.
By the way, dude, is your health okay?
I mean, you're looking kind of thin.
Uh, no. Polly's been making me eat ethnic food,
so I've been throwing up a lot lately.
Cool. Polly Prince.
Polly Feffer.
Polly Prince-Feffer.
Come on. You can't cancel. I thought you were so excited to go.
I know, but-- Polly.
We fell in love with these funny little Bolivian mud huts. Hello
- Hold on. - So we had our designer use a similar color palette in here.
Hi. I'm sorry. I'm on the phone.
Would you just please keep it-- Shh.
So, also, you know what else
It's like I feel weird going away for the weekend when your wife's just come back into town.
I don't know why you're making this into such a big deal.
I told you I'm not getting back together with her. Okay.
So are you coming or not I'm coming.
All right. Okay
Bye. Okay, bye.
Goddamn right it's a beautiful day
Uh-huh, goddamn right it's a beautiful day
Uh-huh
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
You're pretty good at it. You're a natural.
[ Polly ] Oh.! This is amazing.! Hey, Leland!
Are those storm clouds up ahead
Nah. We might just get a light dusting, that's all. Nothing to write home about.
[ Thunderclap ]
Are you sure you're all right
[ Reuben ] Oh, no, I'm okay. I don't think I have my sea legs yet.
I'll be out in a sec. All right.
Oh, God.
[ Fanfare ]
So I know we haven't been seeing each other that long,
but I really feel like it's time we take things to the next level,
and I'd like you to consider moving in with me.
Why don't we just-- Why don't we just move in together
Oh, yeah. We're gonna have ourselves a tussle.
[ Chittering ] Hey, Polly!
Oh, my God. Rodolfo's in your toiletry kit.! Did you know that?
Did you pack him, or did you-- did you--
What-What is this I mean, why am I in your computer...
on your Riskmaster thingy and-- Okay, you know what
I can explain this, Polly. Well, no, it's fascinating. I learned a lot about myself.
I've learned that I have no career, I'm flaky, I like ethnic food.
Polly, would you let me explain this Uh-huh.
Lisa came back, and I, you know, I've been trying to figure things out.
What are you figuring out, Reuben just about us and our future.
Future What are you talking about
What future Reuben, come on!
This is a fling, you know Come on. What, did you think we were gonna get married
Whoa! Maybe...
I was gonna ask you to move in with me first.
Oh, my God. You expect me to move to the suburbs with you
Reuben, are you insane Whoa! Why is that so crazy
People do that all the time. They have kids, they-they-they make plans,
they get married, they buy houses. You know what, though
That's you, Reuben. You do that, right That's what you do.
I don't live my life that way. Is your lack of a plan that different than my plan
I don't-- I don't have a plan. Yes, you do!
You're on the non-plan plan. I am not on a non-plan plan!
You are too! I've never met anybody more afraid of committing to anything.
I mean, you were a senior delegate at the Model U.N., Polly.
What the hell happened to you Whoa!
[ Leland ] Wahoo!
Come on, you mother! You can do better than that!
I've been living my life, okay
I've been in good relationships and I've been in shitty ones,
and I've moved a lot, and I've been happy and I've been sad,
and I've been lonely, and that's what I've been doing,
which is a lot more than I can say for some freak who thinks...
he's gonna get the Ebola virus from a bowl of mixed nuts.
Those nuts have pee on them! It's common sense!
Oh, trust me, that is so far beyond common sense, Reuben.
[ Grunting ]
You don't understand what I grew up with.
I had a mother who made me afraid of everything.
Okay, well, big deal, Reuben. My dad had a whole second family.
- What - Yeah, on Long Island.
A wife and kids and a golden retriever.
A second family
Whatever. Hey, you know what
I'm, uh, glad I saw that.
Polly-- I am. 'Cause you know what?
I'm gonna make this really, uh, easy for you, Reuben.
I have, um-- I have no interest...
in getting married and moving to the suburbs.
And, obviously, that's something that's really important to you.
So here's what I think your new plan should be.
I think you should get back together with Lisa,
move into your house, and move on with your life.
And-And, uh, I think you guys will be really happy together.
Oh, dear Lord.
Whoa!
[ Reuben ] You're not making myjob any easier, Leland.
Ah, come on, Reub. Weather report said sunny skies.
Your sorry eyes
They cut through the bone
They make it hard
To leave you alone
[ Polly On Answering Machine ] Hey, it's Polly... Prince.
Leave me a message, or call back, or not.
You know, whatever. Okay, bye. [ Beeps ]
Hey, Polly, it's me. Listen, um,
I would like to talk to you, all right
'Cause I feel really bad about what happened, and--
just give me a call on my cell phone, all right
Baby,you're a lost
Baby,you're a lost
[ Ringing ]
Baby,you're a lost cause
Hello Hi. It's Lisa.
Oh. Hey. So, how's the house
The house is, uh-- it's great.
Yeah, it's big, but, you know, great.
Well, I can't wait to see it. Hey, did you get the gift I sent you
Yeah, I did. Thanks.
I really wanna see you, Reuben.
I don't know, Lisa. Let me think about it.
Fighting for a lost cause
[ Man Over P.A.] Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.
The premiere ofJesus Christ Superstar is about to begin.
Hey!
Reuby Tuesday.! Hey!Javi!
Como estas? What are you doin' here
What else Hector's playin' keyboards in the band.
Ah. I didn't figure you a fan of musical theater.
No, my friend Sandy Lyle is in the show.
Hey, have you, um-- have you talked to Polly
She was upset, bro. Must've been some kind of fight, huh
Yeah. I keep calling her up, and she won't pick up the phone.
I don't know, I was thinking about maybe dropping by tomorrow.
It's a bit too late, papi. She's leaving town in about two hours.
What W-Why Where is she going I don't know.
She said good-bye. That's it.
Hi. I'm sorry I'm late. Hey.
Oh, no. Yeah. Hi.
Hi.
Hey,Javi, this is Lisa,
my... wife.
[ Guitar ]
Hey. Oh.
Her mother told me she was back. You're doing the right thing here, Reub.
Relax, Mom. I'm not promising anything. It's very exciting.
[ Cell Phone Ringing ] Reuben Feffer.
Reuben, Stan. Change of plan.
The meeting with Van Lew's board and the AFLAC people's moved to 4:00. 4:00
I don't know if I can do that. What the hell is wrong with you Get your ass over here!
[ Over P.A.] Good evening, folks. Uh, I'm Sandy Lyle,
and I've got a very special announcement.
Please note that in tonight's performance, [ Stops ]
in addition to playing the role ofjudas,
I'll be playing jesus as well.
Thank you very much and enjoy the show. [ Man ] Sandy, what are you doing?
Wonsuk is playing jesus.
[ Sandy ] It's cool. I'm playing dual roles.
Give me your crown, okay, Wonsuk? [ Wonsuk ] Screw you, Sandy.!
You're a has-been. No one even cares you were in that stupid movie.
- Oh, no. - Oh, shit! Aah!
[ All Gasping ] [ Wonsuk ] Judas is biting me.!
What just happened in there I am a professional, Reuben,
and I'm not gonna put my reputation on the line for a group of freaking amateurs.
[ Irving ] It's always the same story with you, huh, pal?
You did this one movie a hundred years ago.
From then on, you thought you were better than everybody else.
Why don't you let go Move on with your life.
It's not about what happened in the past...
or what you think might happen in the future.
It's about the ride, for Christ's sake.
There's no point going through all this crap...
if you're not gonna enjoy the ride.
And you know what When you least expect it,
something great might come along--
something better than you even planned for.
You were funny as hell playing those bagpipes, though.
Did I ever tell you that
I-I don't think I've ever heard you speak before, Mr. Feffer.
So, Reuby, we're gonna grab a bite after your work thingamajigy?
No, Lisa.
I shouldn't have asked you to come down here.
I'm not getting back together with you.
What are you talking about W-Why Why?
You screwed a scuba diving instructor on our honeymoon.
I mean, what kind of cold, heartless bitch...
would do that to someone they love
I'd have to be an idiot to get back together with you after that.
Oh, and by the way, I destroyed all your little throw pillows.
Yeah, because throw pillows suck, okay
They serve no purpose. They're purely decorative.
Dude, that was incredible.
You're the one who told me I should get back together with her. Reuben.
Whatever you do, don't ever take my advice again.
Your dad totally put it in perspective for me.
I was barely famous back then, and I'm never gonna be famous again.
What about your E.! True Hollywood Story?
The E! Channel doesn't even know we're making this show.
What do you mean
I hired Dustin and Vic myself.
And I was gonna try and sell it to the network when I'm done.
You mean you're doing an E.! True Hollywood Story on yourself
[ Chuckles ]
Sandy, that's so-- That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
I know. I'm such a loser.
Look, I need you to do something for me that's really, really important.
So you gotta promise me just this one time you won't screw it up.
Reuben, I'm your wingman.
Whatever it is, I will not let you down.
Your Reuben's proxy What the hell does that mean
Now, he's dealing with a personal situation, so he asked me to fill in.
Now, you gotta relax. I'm a professional actor,
and these dudes will never know the difference. I can't freaking believe this is happening.
Be quiet, 'cause I'm... tryin' to prepare.
I'm gonna vomit.
I am so sorry for the delay, folks,
but one of our senior analysts, Reuben Feffer,
had his spleen burst just a few moments ago, and--
That's not good. Is he gonna be all right Well, God willing, Leland.
But anyway, be that as it may, we have Mr. Feffer's associate here, Mr. Sanford Lyle,
who's been briefed on the case and will present Reuben's recommendations.
Thank you, Stanley.
[ Clearing Throat Loudly ]
[ Clearing Throat Loudly ] I just need a little bit of water.
[ Slurps, Groans ]
[ Clearing Throat Loudly ]
As you know, this is a highly complex case.
Um, let me see here.
[ Clearing Throat Loudly ]
Yeah, on the plus side,
Leland's blood pressure is pretty solid.
And he's, uh, at a decent weight,
and he looks pretty damn healthy, right
And he's a sexy guy, right?
And he is sexually active in the community.
[ Honking, Tires Screeching ]
- Polly -J.F.K., please.
[ Rodolfo Chittering ]
Let's not bullcrap each other.
On paper, Van Lew is one of the riskiest sons ofbitches alive.
But, people,
we cannot sum up a man's life with a bunch of numbers on a computer screen.
All right, we all need to look into our hearts and go,
""Do I think this dude is gonna die in a few years or not''
Is old Leland here gonna fight off a man...
with the last name ""Reaper,'' first name--
who goes by the last name ""Reaper,'' first name ""Grim''
Or will this BASE-jumping,
crocodile-wrestling,
shark-diving, volcano-luging,
bear-fighting, snake-wrangling,
motocross-racing bastard die?
And the answer is no, friends,
which is why myself,
Reuben Feffer, Stan...
and all of us here at Indurby and Friends...
are willing to lay our asses on the line...
and proudly recommend that Leland Van Lew...
receive fifty million dollars in life and health...
and automobile insurance...
for a duration of no less than 20 years.
Hey, what do you think, guys
Are you that kid from Crocodile Tears?
You're goddamn right I am.
I thought so. Impressive presentation. He's insured.
Yeah! Bloody ripper! Congratulations.
Love ya, son.!
[ Beeping ]
[ Polly ] Rodolfo, wait.!
I'm so sorry! [ Beeping Intensifies ]
Reuben, it's too late. I have to be on a plane in, like, 45 minutes.
I don't think you really wanna leave here.
You have no idea what I want.
You left Rodolfo behind. Does that mean anything to you
Look, I made a mistake, all right I should've never put you in the Riskmaster.
Truth is, no matter what happened on our honeymoon,
you're much riskier than Lisa could ever be. Yes.
Right. That's why it's not gonna work out between us.
Reuben, you are a nice, safe, conventional guy.
just-- It's not gonna work out.
I don't think that's who I really am.
It is, Reuben. That's okay.
What do I have to do to prove it to you Huh
Hey! Huh
What are you-- Oh, my God.
Hey, look. Look, I'm eating nuts.
- What the hell are you doing - Those nuts aren't even dirty.
Hey.
Oh!
Since we've been together, I've felt more uncomfortable,
out of place, embarrassed...
and just physically sick than I have in my entire life.
But I couldn't have gone through all that--
I couldn't have thrown up 1 9 times in 48 days...
if I wasn't in love with you.
Maybe you were right. Maybe this is just a fling.
But if you get on that plane and you go to Cincinnati...
or Tanzania or wherever you're going,
we'll never know if it could've been something more.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
No. Oh, no. N-No.
- Oh, Reuben. - Please don't eat those.
No, really.
Oh, God.
I don't want you to go away, Polly.
I'm not gonna marry you, Reuben.
I don't wanna get married.
I just wanna take you to dinner...
sometime this week.
Can I pick the place
Solid.
Excuse me. Hi. Hello.
I see you two are new to the island. I want to come have a meet--
Oh, my stars and stripe. Leuban!
Oh, my God. I cannot believe it is you. This is Polly.
Hi, Polly. I am Claude.
Wow. Hi. So how's it goin'
In truth, uh,
it has been a little bit tough noogies for me.
Lisa, she-- she broke my heart.
- I'm sorry to hear that. - Ah. That is life, huh
Well, you have to be like the hippo.
Exactly. Like the hippo.
So, let me guess. You are here on honeymoon again This is your beautiful bride
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. We're just, uh-- We're just hangin' out.
Oh, come on. It's a little more serious than that.
Well, yeah. I'm just sayin' we're not married. Right.
- No, definitely not married. But it's possible. - It is possible.
We're takin'things step by step, seein'how they work out.
Okay, I don't really understand what you are talking about,
but, uh, any chance you are for scuba today
You know what Actually, we are for scuba.
- No way,Jose! - Yes way,Jose!
But we're goin' out with that guy.
Hey, Leland.! We'll be out there in a minute.!
Ah, you know what As long as you are for scuba, Leuban, I am happy.
Oh. Sweet.
So, au revoir, my good friend. Okay. Hey.
Thank you for everything, Claude.
It's good to see you again. Good-bye, Polly.
Good-bye. Nice to meet you, Claude.
You as well.
So you ready Let's do it.
But you can't seem to get enough
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let me love open the door
To your heart Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
When everything feels all over
When everybody seems unkind
I'll give you a four-leaf clover
Take all the worry out of your mind
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart Let my love open the door
To your heart Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
I have the only key to your heart
I can stop you falling apart
Try today,you'll find this way
Come on and give me a chance to say
Let my love open the door
It's all I'm living for
Release yourself from misery
There's only one thing gonna set you free
That's my love
That's my love
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
When tragedy befalls you
Don't let it drag you down
Love can cure your problem
You're so lucky I'm around
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart
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