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Alt Om Min Far (All About My Father)

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I had a recurring dream|when I was younger.
I am on the Titanic|and it is about to sink.
I am in a hallway -
- covered in red velvet.|Floor, walls and ceiling.
A red velvet wall|comes at me from behind.
I am unable to run away from it.
I realize I am doomed. The|onrushing water will overtake me.
I am going down with the ship|because I am a man.
ALL ABOUT MY FATHER
-Hi!|-Hello.
Let me just put something on.|It's cold out.
I feel armed|when carrying a camera.
I have this weapon, with which|I document everything I do.
-Roll camera.|-Got your jacket?
MY FATHER
I feel like I'm in Hollywood.|It feels good to get started.
I've been a little anxious|about this, actually.
The older you get,|the more nervous you get.
-About what?|-About performing.
We are documenting reality.|That is often very different from ...
Yes, but this is very important.
I often wonder why I get so anxious.
-This will be fun.|-I think so, too.
-I'm heading to work.|-Now?
Not really.|But I can pretend, for you.
This won't be easy.
I don't think dad wants me to|document how I perceive his world.
He will want|his version emphasized.
To prove that he was right,|in spite of everything.
There he is,|gone with the wind.
The door isn't even locked.
-Hope you don't mind the camera.|-No problem.
I'm hoping for|a new career in movies.
I can't read that.
L? No ... K?
-How do you see with glasses?|-I have them here.
You didn't see very well|without them.
-Does your license specify ...|-I wear driving glasses.
-Now I see a T and an L.|-That's better.
-Do you have any veins?|-I know I used to.
When you think about|how different people are ...
It's no wonder|we are different in other areas, too.
Bull's-eye!
Feel its warmth|Reach out your arms
As it welcomes us again ...
MY MOTHER
We had the same circle of friends,|and ended up falling in love.
It was very exciting for me.|I thought he was very handsome.
A friend of mine|warned me against marrying him.
She felt|there was something about him.
I felt the same thing. There was|something I couldn't quite grasp.
I became pregnant|very shortly after our wedding.
That was not very appropriate.
I felt something had happened|that shouldn't have happened.
Elisabeth!
The first time I held her,|I was worried she would break.
My hands|seemed so huge and strong.
One twitch and I would|crush that tiny baby.
And I cursed the fact|that boys are not raised with dolls.
I think she tricked me.|I really do.
We had things to work out|in our relationship.
I was in medical school. We had|agreed to wait with children.
I asked Liv if she knew|when she was ovulating.
She said she was in full control.|There was nothing to worry about.
And then she immediately|became pregnant.
Even!
You were conceived over Christmas.
We forgot to bring condoms.
It's true.|But we agreed that it was all right.
In that sense you were|much more planned than Elisabeth.
MY SISTER
I admired dad.
He could do anything.
He was a carpenter.
He wrote poems and plays|and acted them out for us.
He fixed things at home.|He could do so many things.
So I feel|I had an exciting childhood.
I knew nothing about it|before we got married.
But one day I forgot my work keys.|I didn't want to borrow any, -
- so I decided to go home|and get my own.
We had many locked doors.
When I got home, I discovered|the door was locked from inside.
I could not understand why.|He yelled for me to wait.
He unlocked the door|and rushed into the bathroom.
All the curtains were drawn.|I thought he had a mistress in there.
I had no clue|as to what it could be.
She may have cried.|I can't remember.
But it was not easy for her.|She struggled with it.
I told him we would talk about it|when I got back from work.
I had a lot to think about.|I didn't understand what this was.
I remember coming home from work|to talk about it.
I said something like, if you love me|you will change your ways.
And I asked him to stop doing it.
And he said that he could.
-I promised that I would stop.|-She cried?
Yes. She wouldn't take it.|She told me I had to stop.
I promised that I would.|I was humbled and humiliated.
But he continued doing it|behind my back, with my clothes.
It took a while for me to realize|that he had kept it up.
I told her that I had started again.|I couldn't help it.
We worked out an arrangement|where she would know when I did it.
But she did not want to see me.
I wouldn't have minded|her company. I missed that.
I showed her some pictures. Wanted|her to like them. But she didn't.
I didn't want to see him|as a woman. I didn't think ...
I had married Esben, not Esther.|I found it difficult.
I tried to bring her to meetings|with other wives of transvestites.
I wanted us to be in this together.
She joined me to Oslo once,|but never made it to the meeting.
-You went with him on trips, right?|-What do you mean?
-Trips with other transvestites.|-Yes, I did, actually.
Once, I think.
It was a very good experience.
I felt that dad and I really bonded.
It was a nice experience.
I cannot remember Liv|ever expressing -
- any appreciation|for this side of me.
She accepted that we have visitors,|and things like that ...
But progress was as sluggish|as in that hallway on the Titanic.
I felt that I was drowning.
I've never believed|in easy solutions.
We were married. We had|chosen this. We had two children.
I didn't want the family to break up.|Divorce was not an option.
I wanted to keep the family together|and work it out.
But it became very complicated.|It just got worse and worse.
The story of me and my predilection|is not a happy one.
My female side was miserable|during this period.
If it had happened today,|I would have told Liv -
- that we were wasting our time.
It may have been good for you kids|that we stayed together, -
- but not for us.|At least not for me.
We had so very little in common.
I feel ...|This is not easy for me.
I feel a great deal of sorrow.
I feel sad about the life I have had.
About the bad choices I have made.
I made wrong choices|the entire way.
I hoped everything would work out,|but it didn't.
In a sense ...
I believed|that somewhere deep inside ...
I believed|that life could be wonderful.
I saw the contours.
I believed that.|Believed, believed, believed ...
Then I fell in love with another|woman. And I was shocked.
I tried desperately to go back to that|which I was supposed to believe.
But then I met Elsa,|and realized it was possible.
MY STEPMOTHER
If you ignore your emotions,|ignore some pain you feel, -
- you begin living|a non-authentic life.
That's what Esben was doing.
He could not present|his true self to the world.
After he met me,|he was more able to be himself.
We realized|there would be consequences.
You, Elisabeth and Liv|would be hurt -
- by his decision to leave Liv.
The advice, or demand,|we received was:
We had to make sure|it would be worth all that pain.
I was an irritant, especially to Elsa.
She went nuts|when I borrowed her hair dryer.
It was the only one we had,|and suddenly I couldn't use it.
Nothing was good enough.
She may be right.|She could only do wrong.
She and I are very different.
I had trouble relating to|Elisabeth as a person.
Even today, Elisabeth and I|live in separate worlds.
As a parent, you bond with|those children you can relate to.
But I could not relate to Elisabeth.
Dad was a passive partner.
He did not participate at all.
I think he reacted to|the hair dryer incident.
I think he said something.
I seem to remember|that he supported me.
But that almost made it worse.|It was nice that he supported me.
But that's when I realized|this was hopeless.
Because that was when she yelled:
I'll never let you get between|your father and me!
-This gets published on July 22.|-Fine.
You've answered these|questions a thousand times before.
-Probably.|-Can you handle one more time?
The first time I put on a dress,|I was around eight years old.
-I can draw that dress for you.|-Where was this?
-At home.|-In the attic?
In the attic of a big, empty house.
I tried the dress on,|and it felt right.
My parents and siblings would|go out. I would choose to stay home.
I always chose to stay home.
Because I knew when I was alone|at home, I could be a woman.
And I was.|I tried on all my mother's clothes.
-And hung them all back?|-Yes. ''I'm a master of disguise.''
No one ever caught on.|Then something dramatic happened.
Over time the cross-dressing|became erotic in nature.
Something which had merely been|exciting, had now become erotic.
I had my first orgasm|in such a situation.
And had trouble|getting mom's underwear clean.
-What did you do?|-Washed it!
Used the iron to dry it,|and put it back in place.
And they didn't find out? Why|don't parents notice such things?
Because it is so inconceivable.
Another day dawns ...
-Haven't you brushed your teeth?|-No.
I can tell.
Don't say things like that.|That just upsets me.
What is going to happen now?
I am going to change|my gender appearance.
My boobs have grown. It happens|to men my age. Fine by me.
Here is the process:
No one ever appears naked|in public, with a few exceptions.
Our gender is determined|by our outer appearance.
That appearance dictates|how the world relates to us.
If the world sees someone wearing|a multicolored leather outfit, -
- they know there's a motorcycle|around the corner.
The appearance tells a story.
Male and female appearance|differs greatly.
A female appearance tells us|there is a female body underneath.
But with 99.999 % of those women,|you never see the body.
You only assume it is there.
So one should be able|to live in this world as a woman, -
- without necessarily having|a woman's body.
Is this some Michelangelo statue?
Let's do this step by step.
Take your time, but keep it snappy.
Do you know what he|has done with his crotch, Even?
He just told us.
I was just wondering|if you had ever asked him.
Other transvestites have asked me.|I have a good method.
Is it so you can sit and pee?
Yes, and so that I don't have a bulge.
And if I get aroused,|my dress won't look like a tent.
Do you wish you could be naked|as a woman?
Yes, if I could just snap my fingers.
But I'd have to be able to snap back|to being a man again, also.
Because I need to be able|to express myself both ways.
You may dress as a woman, but|you will never be a woman to me.
No matter how you are dressed.
If you are going to relate to me, -
- you can't only use|your own personal experiences.
Then you'd only tell your side of|the story. That would be sad for me.
-Why?|-I'm not a man in women's clothing!
-What are you?|-A woman in women's clothing.
Where is the man then?
He is not perceivable|in that situation.
Why isn't he?|I still call you ''dad''.
And you can feel free to do that.|Even when we're out in public.
That is no longer a problem.
I have nothing to hide.|I am your father.
But your father is also a woman.
That does not make me|any less of a man.
This seems logical to you, -
- because you have followed|your own development.
-Should I view you as a 15-year-old?|-No. View me as I am today, at 26.
Then you should view me|as I view myself at 52.
You don't understand me, either,|but you have made up an opinion.
I would appreciate it -
- if you could see that|having a father who is a man, -
- is not necessarily opposed|to him also being a woman.
-But a ''dad'' cannot be a woman.|-No. Your dad is your dad.
But dads are nothing but|a delivery system for sperm cells.
-That's all dads are.|-Biologically speaking, sure.
That's all they are.
We run around spreading our seed.|That's all dads are.
But to children|the ''dad'' is an institution.
''Dad'' is more|than just sperm cells.
To continue this discussion, you|must define ''man'' and ''woman''.
That could take weeks.
A family member who perceives you,|does not only do so intellectually.
There is also an emotional aspect.
Your son is documenting|his life with his dad.
He is using his own experiences|as a reference point.
Maybe your predilection can only|be understood intellectually.
But that will most likely|take some time.
You are always|ahead of everyone else, -
- because you live|inside your own body.
I can understand|that you consider me -
- something more|than a sperm donor.
I understand that the term ''dad''|embodies more than that.
I understand|that it is a challenge -
- to have a dad who|expresses himself as a woman.
But I would also hope,|as you grow older, -
- that you are able|to understand this better -
- than when you were ten.
My father was also a ''dad''.
For better or for worse.
He was a doctor, which|isn't necessarily a predilection.
Although it could be in his case.|But he was a doctor.
I was privileged enough|to be able to enter into his space.
I found out, understood, what it was.
I was privileged, in that sense.
I was able to enter into|my father's space, -
- and thereby grew|to understand him better.
But it's easier to be son of a doctor|than son of a transvestite.
That's a key point.
We all have an idea of what|it is like to be a man or a woman.
That has to do|with our subjective history.
You may say you are a woman,|but you are not a woman like me.
You are not a woman.
But I cannot deny that|you experience yourself as a woman.
I do not consider you a woman,|based on my reference points.
And Even does not consider you|a woman, based on his definition.
There are many ways of defining|what a woman is.
That is a theoretical debate|which only leads me into loneliness.
I wonder what it must be like|for children of transsexuals.
Growing up with a father|who suddenly changes sex.
I don't think dad would do that.|That would be tragic.
Yes, it would.
Because then|the male side dies, in a sense.
And that, I feel, would be very sad.
Many, many years ago|we went on Easter vacation.
And I decided: If anyone is going to|present themselves to the world -
- as a transvestite,|it's going to be me.
I knew I could take it.
And I knew that every human|expression needs a figurehead.
You introduce yourself|to the world.
Then it's up to the world to accept|what you have introduced.
Did those gay jackets|come in yet, Odd?
That's everything.|And the car keys.
I didn't know he could move about|so freely on the streets of Grimstad.
Is my hair all right?
-Try that one.|-Better.
Not like that. Over your shoulders.
And get all the tangles out.
-A stole.|-It should be on the side, like this.
-I think he looks nice.|-She.
-You think I look like a man?|-No.
-Then don't say ''he''.|-Did I say that?
It can be either an evening dress|or a cocktail dress.
Take this.
-I can't get this one on.|-Can't you get it on?
I like it, but it doesn't fit.|I'd love to have one like that.
Let me just comb my hair ...
-You're quite conceited, dad.|-Yes, I'm vain.
I like looking good.
You look yourself in the mirror|every minute.
After being Pirelli for a while,|he likes being Esben.
And vice versa.|It works both ways.
But quantitatively, -
- he seems to be|more woman than man now.
It's so ...
Much more complicated.|Make-up, clothing ...
Such a hassle.
All that female stuff.|It can get quite tiring.
Pantyhose, dresses,|belts, jewelry, hair, make-up ...
Sometimes it's nice|not to care how you look.
It feels good to be outside.
Esben dreams of being accepted|and loved as Pirelli.
Yet, as you say, you can only|view him as a father and a man.
That is a very powerful conflict.
Esben wants me|to consider him the same, -
- even though he expresses himself|in different ways.
I happen to be heterosexual.
I am attracted to|the masculine in men.
I like Esben's strength,|masculinity, intelligence ...
His willpower and determination.|I am very fond of Esben.
-Here he comes.|-Hello.
That was a quick boat cleaning!
-Is your mascara running?|-Watch out for that.
We're talking about you, dad.|Are you surprised?
-Do you mind us talking about you?|-I am glad I wasn't here.
Why?
This has become|quite emotional for me.
It is interesting that Elisabeth's|experience is so different.
She feels stepped on.
Does she not accept|some responsibility herself?
-She has also been an agent.|-In what sense?
She was a fairly bitchy teenager.
You were also|a fairly bitchy stepmother.
Maybe.|But I wasn't the only bitchy one.
There are two sides to this.|I am not a bitchy person in general.
Elisabeth brought out|the bitchiness in me.
As a therapist,|we work with such issues.
But we cannot analyze our own lives.
We all have blind spots.
I can keep my feet planted|and sway back and forth.
Could someone|bring me that table?
-Hello?|-I have drawn some sketches.
Let me see!
-From your dream.|-The Titanic. Here is the hallway.
This red drapery in the foreground|has swallowed your leg.
In my dream everything is red|and my legs sink into that red.
I chose to leave this part gray,|and paint the shadow red instead.
I hadn't seen that one.|The bodies in the water.
-I drew three of them.|-Yes, all the dead men!
Turn it this way, and it gets lighter.
Have you done|anything like this before?
No, not quite like this.
Powerful.|Have you shown them to Elsa?
No.
It's exciting how you have|entered into my dream.
Very touching.
You have found something in there|that I recognize.
Let's continue.
I am a merry sailor|Who loves the sound of the sea ...
-Would you like to sail?|-I'll be the crew, you be the skipper.
-Look how fast they sail!|-Look at the sailboard!
Ready to come about, Elsa?|Let go of the jib.
Pull hard.
Well done!|That's the right direction.
It's all about|interacting with nature.
Do it wrong,|and it will snap back at you.
Do it right, and you will|experience smooth sailing.
I called Even.|I was concerned.
I don't want this to be a film|about the trauma of divorce.
Don't get me wrong,|divorces are serious business.
They are painful,|but they are not uncommon.
This is supposed to be|an uncommon family saga.
Let's talk about|the 16 years after the divorce.
I think we need to figure out ...
We need to discuss|Even and Elisabeth's sense -
- of not being important in my life.
They feel that I was willing|to sacrifice anything -
- to get my way, in a sense.
Who was that?
Careful, I have a backache.|Had to see a chiropractor today.
Mind if I make a salad?|I just came home, and I'm starving.
-Let's go into the living room.|-That might be the best place.
I know Even has talked|a great deal about the divorce.
At the time I was inadequate.
Unable to get to the root of it.
And I am very sorry about that.
-But I cannot change that.|-Nope.
I find that very sad.|That particularly affected you.
But I couldn't help it.|I hope you can forgive me.
This isn't something we discuss.|I don't think about it daily.
But I often come back to it|when these things are brought up.
We were wondering|if there was a specific stimuli ...
One stimulus.
Whatever. When a certain nerve|is touched, it gets very explosive.
That is something I would like|to discuss at some point.
I have never received|any sort of an apology for that.
That might make things better.|I know Even seems to think so.
I'm not sure, but he may be right.
I don't think|any of us know for sure.
You have worked through everything|from your own childhood.
Don't talk with salad in your mouth.
You have worked through that.
-What do you mean?|-My ear just popped!
That reminds me of a story:|Two men were sitting on a bench.
One said, ''What do you think|about the world situation?''
The other answered: ''I don't know.|I have something in my eye.''
My ear is better now.
-What do you need, Even?|-What do you mean?
You have been preoccupied|with all the painful things.
-What do you mean, painful?|-What we were just talking about.
Sure, but ...
It's a part of our history|that's never been discussed before.
What do you mean?
You just say ''I couldn't help it.''|Case closed.
Then you go back out|in pursuit of your mission.
While you, Elisabeth and I know|that you won't talk about this again.
Tell me what you think.|Not what Elisabeth or I think.
That is what I think.
I don't think|this conflict will go away, -
- until you have worked it through|to the same extent -
- that you have worked through|the other issues in your life.
-What are you feeling right now?|-This is a ...
A sacred moment for me, in a sense.|I feel elated.
I find this moment very ... beautiful.
Few, if anyone, is more suited|to write about, talk about, -
- to raise our gender awareness,|than Elsa and Esben/Esther.
It has been a joy and an inspiration|to work with you!
Uncommon people should see|themselves in that which is common.
But common people should also|see themselves in the uncommon.
But we are divided.|We live in separate worlds.
That is wrong, it causes isolation.
Regular people become isolated|from irregular impulses.
All bodies are different.
It has to do|with how we manage our lives.
Mankind has been, and is still,|classified by gender.
We can easily say that|both men and women are all right.
Those two groups|represent the vast majority.
No problem.
But we cannot ignore those|who are both man and woman.
Or who are neither man nor woman.
-We could go on forever.|-Yes, we could.
We have asked someone else to|share their impressions of the book:
Tone Marie Hansen, head of|the National Transsexual Union.
This has been a good book for me,|as a transsexual, to read.
It is not every day|that professionals -
- understand, accept and love you|for the gender you are.
I would have more trouble|being married to a football fan.
The day of my christening.
Before, dad used to be ... dad.|But that is less the case now.
He has changed.|Gone through a process.
I can understand|that it is important -
- for him to live this out.
He can do that as much as he wants.
As long as he doesn't end up|as a woman, and nothing else.
I am very fond of Esben.|We have a wonderful life together.
It would take a great deal|for me to turn my back on that.
But there are limits to|how rewarding it can be for me.
How so?
If it becomes existentially|impossible for me -
- to live with a woman, and not|a man, I may have to move on.
In all its skinless entirety
The nerve is a part of me
It does not count as a part ...
You feel skinless because everything|you say can be used against you?
I don't mean it in self defense.|I just mean I feel vulnerable.
-I have no protective layer.|-Can you explain that?
''In all my skinless entirety ...''|That's what I wrote.
I cannot explain it.|That's just the way it is.
-It's painful.|-What?
To exist, I guess.
So I gave birth to this poem, -
- which is both angry and sad.
In some strange way|you have to answer for what you are.
And that makes you feel skinless.
Do you feel much guilt?
Long ago|I stopped defending my choices, -
- and started doing|what felt right for me.
Who has the right to attack me|for how I choose to live my life?
Not even my own son. But you have|the right to your own opinion.
I most certainly do.|And I have the right to a reaction.
It is my right as your child, -
- that when I tell you something,|you owe me a response.
Of course. But you are too young|to govern my life.
I can't govern your life, but ...
Hello?|Hi!
At some point, Even,|you will grow past me.
And you have every right|to voice your discontent.
You can say that I have made|choices you would never make.
Don't I have the right|to an opinion, to a response now?
-Of course, but ...|-If not, that would be absurd.
If I couldn't ask my dad|not to do something.
I agree.|But the difference for me ...
Yes, we are father and son.|But we are also two adults.
That makes for|a different type of exchange.
I shouldn't have to defend myself, -
- but simply tell you who I am.
I have no problem understanding|you being a transvestite.
I understand that you are much more|than a man in women's clothing.
I understand|that is your predilection.
And that is completely separate from|the divorce and all those issues.
But still ...
I also have the right to believe|that you are -
- simply a man who likes|to wear women's clothing.
-Because you're still my dad, right?|-Yes.
I could never accept Esther Pirelli|as my father.
So I have to try to look|beyond that facade.
That is becoming ever more difficult.|Even your voice changes.
I understand that you find|that difficult. I can see that.
And if you think I am indifferent,|you are wrong.
I am not.
-Couldn't you have waited?|-How long?
Until we could follow your thinking.
Understand you.
First you were here, then there.
Taken it a little slower.|Not bang the big drum.
That's so naive.
You seem to have|plenty of time, Even.
-I do.|-Yes. But I don't.
-I have all the time in the world.|-I don't.
I have 2/3 of my life behind me.|I'm running out of time.
I am at an age where people|have started dying around me.
I am not ready for that.|I have things I want to accomplish.
What is it you want to accomplish?|What's the big hurry?
I have a mission in life to complete.
Something dear to my heart.|Something I am passionate about.
I wish to speak for|the uncommon people.
Not only to the tyranny|of conservative thought, -
- but to the tyranny of the majority.
I wish to eradicate diagnoses|which label small children, -
- simply because they express|their gender in an unusual way.
I want more people to be proud|of who they are.
Even though their surroundings|label them sinful, sick or criminal.
So I don't have much time.
We all do things that hurt others.
If we do it in order to hurt them,|we are simply evil.
But if we do it not to hurt them,|but for some other purpose ...
It can still be interpreted|as a deliberate act.
I am aware of that.|And that can be quite painful.
I hear what Elsa says. That she|is afraid of losing her husband.
And you are afraid|of losing your father.
And I have no guarantee to offer|either one of you.
Do you want Even to stop|considering you a father figure?
To a certain extent. But I don't|want him to ... I hope he has ...
I hope part of me lives on in him.
That he carries a part of me.
Just like I feel a part of|my father in me.
But I also want him to be|independent of me.
Because some day|I will no longer be around.
Hopefully long before him.
-Want to do something else now?|-Sure. How about a time-lapse?
-Are you going out?|-Yes. Out on the town.
Oh, my God.
-I'm going to throw this away.|-That was a good interview.
I thought so, too.|I was honest.
Are you all right?
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