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American Pie (UK)

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Ahh! Ohh!
- Ohh. - Oh, yeah.
Ohh, you're so good.
Ohh, yes. I am the best, baby.
- Oh, yeah! - Oh. Oh, that was a tit.
That is a tit! Yes!
Oh, you're so big!
Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right, baby.
Oh, doggie wants to hide his bone.
Oh, yeah! I'm bone smugglin', baby.
Man, would you shut up!
Hey, Jimmy. Just wanted to say sweet dreams.
Yeah, yeah. Sweet dreams. Good night, Mom.
Kiss good night.
- Something wrong with the reception? - Uh, yeah. Yeah.
There's-- There's this nature show that I'm trying to watch.
And the birds are all scrambled and I can't even--
Do me! Yes!
Baby! Ride me like a pony!
The thing must be broken or I sat on the remote or something.
- Getting ready for bed, son? - Yup, I'm all set, Dad. I'm all set.
No! No, I think he's tried to watch some illegal channels.
- Illegal-- Illegal channels? - This is just bad reception, honey.
-Oh, spank my hairy ass! - What's that?
Ooh, baby!
You know what? Here. Just give me this, please--
- Oh, my God! - And let's get this-- Ohh!
Okay, okay. Let's, uh-- What the hell's the matter with this thing?
Yes!
Illegal channels? Shit!
If there's any channel that should be illegal...
it's that "all-woman's" channel.
Lifetime supply of pantyhose or some shit.
Hey, uh, did you see The Little Mermaid on TV the other night?
- No. - Ariel, man. She's so hot!
- She's a mermaid, dude. - Yeah, Oz. But not when she's on land.
Come on, Vicky, it's Stifler's party. We got to go. It'll be great.
Why? All that happens at Stifler's parties...
is people get drunk and do it.
Yeah.
Now, come on, Kevin. Open it.
It's a big, thick envelope, Vicky. You got in.
If you think so, just open it.
Fine.
"Dear Miss Latham: We're sorry but after keeping you on the waiting list...
for the past couple of months, we've decided that you are now rejected."
Shut up!
- You got in. - Yes! I love you!
Okay.
Hey, you think I should wear this shirt to Stifler's party?
You've worn that shirt for, like, three days in a row, man!
Guys. She said it.
- Said what? - She said she loves me.
- Holy shit, dude! The "L " word? - Oh, man!
Cornell's not that far from "U" of "M."
Yeah, it's only, like, seven hours.
Oh, and you get to drive across Canada.
- Beautiful country. - Whatever. It's doable.
Wh-What we should do today, in band.
Instead of playing our instruments regularly...
we should play them backwards.
- That'll be so funny! - Yeah.
No offence, but you're talking about a post-high school...
long-distance relationship.
And you and Kevin haven't even done it yet.
That's not why we're going out.
What do you expect him to drive to Cornell for? Milk and cookies?
We're gonna have sex when he's ready and I'm ready.
It's got to be completely perfect.
I want the right time, the right moment, the right place--
Vicky, it's not a space shuttle launch. It's sex.
- Finch. - Here's the man we are looking for.
- Gentlemen. - What's goin' on, buddy?
Same ol'--
Finch. You got the Latin homework?
Oh.
It means, "My dog ate it." It's Latin. It's a joke.
- It's a Latin joke. - Yeah, Latin. Just drink your coffee.
- No, Jim, it's mochaccino. - What?
What I'm drinking, it's mochaccino. It's not coffee.
'Nova!
What's up, dude?
You comin' to the party tonight, Ozzie, you fuckface?
Uh, depends if my date wants to stop by.
- I'm workin' on somethin' new. - I got an idea about something new.
How about you guys actually locate your dicks...
remove the shrink-wrap and fucking use them!
Dude, it's gonna happen. She's a college chick.
Oh, right. I'll see you guys tonight.
I'll look for you in the no-fucking section.
All right. I'm shooting for a 9:00 E.T.A. Beer in hand by five after.
Breath check.
Thank you.
I wish you wouldn't do that.
So, you got something up your sleeve for tonight?
This is a foolproof plan, my friend.
I have a serious question to ask you guys. Okay.
You know Nadia the Czechoslovakian chick? She might be there tonight.
Now, do you think she would prefer...
laid-back Jim...
or...
cool, hip Jim?
I don't think it really matters with that shirt you're wearing.
What? Correct me if I'm wrong but you're the one with the girlfriend...
and you're still stranded on third base.
Hey, at least I know what third base feels like, okay?
- You're still just a batboy. - Batboy. Batboy.
What are you talking about?
Guys, uh--
What exactly does third base feel like?
You wanna take this one?
Like warm apple pie.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Apple pie, huh? - Uh-huh.
McDonald's or homemade?
Gentlemen, destiny awaits.
That's number five and six for the Stif-meister!
Yeah.
Oops!
- Holy! - H-Hey!
Nadia! Buenos dias. Glad you could make it.
I'll be back for you later.
- Another party sultan! - How ya doin'?
Welcome to Stifler's Palace of Love, fellas.
- The keg's back there! Enjoy! - Yeah.
Vicky, Jessica! Great to see you. Glad you could make it.
Haha, bitches!
- Sherman! - Hey!
What the fuck are you doin' here?
Fellas! What's goin' on?
Sherman. Not much. Just, uh, scopin' the babes.
- Indeed! Some fine ladies here, boys. - Uh-huh.
Confidence is high. Repeat. Confidence is high.
Sherman is movin' to DEFCON 2.
Full strategic arsenal ready for deployment.
You have somethin' goin' tonight, Sherman?
You see that Central chick, Bernette?
- Um, no. - No.
She's around. Seems she's taken a liking to me.
Fellas, it's time she experienced... the Shermanator.
Yeah, okay, Sherman. Whatever.
I'm a sophisticated sex robot sent back through time...
to change the future for one lucky lady.
- Go get 'em, tiger. - I'll be back!
- Hopeless. - Completely.
- Hi. - Hey, Vic.
Oh, shit. Guys-- Guys--
There's Nadia and she just looked at me.
- She just looked at me. - Well, why don't you go talk to her?
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right, Kev. I should just go talk to her.
Yeah, I could do that. Sure.
Sure.
Kev? Kev? Ke--
Yeah. Yeah.
That's great!
See ya later.
We're here for the party.
What party? There's no party.
Weird. Try the house down the street.
So, what's your major?
Post-modern feminist thought.
Oh, cool. Great night, isn't it?
Sure.
Yeah, it's just somethin' about the springtime that's just cool, you know?
Like the smell of fresh rain or somethin'.
Suck me, beautiful.
What did you just say?
Suck me, beautiful.
My friends call me "'Nova," as in Casanova.
That's pathetic.
Jeez, you don't have to laugh at me.
Well, there's just some things you need to learn, that's all.
- Like what? - Well, you've got to tone it down.
You don't need to come to a place like Lookout Point...
and spout off cheeseball lines to be romantic.
- Okay. - You have to pay attention to a girl.
Be sensitive to her feelings. Relationships are reciprocal.
Come on, Casanova. I'll take you back to your friends.
Vicky, think it's time to take the next step in our relationship?
- Tonight? - Yeah, it's such a perfect evening.
I mean, it's how you've always pictured it, isn't it?
Damn, my farts fuckin' stink!
Dude, you gotta take a shit! You smell like a Yeti!
Or not.
Just relax.
You actually said that?
Shut up!
You did a hell of a lot better than I did with Nadia.
Oh, thanks, Jim, that's great. That's really reassuring.
Hey, no problem, 'Nova.
Hey, don't call me 'Nova anymore. I'm a-- I'm a fraud.
You guys are pathetic.
I'm gonna find myself a little hottie.
"Suck me, beautiful"!
- Let me know. - Okay.
Keep going.
I should be able to talk to girls.
I'm articulate.
You know, I got a 720 on my S.A.T. verbal.
Bullshit. There's no way.
I kid you not, man. Look. Listen.
- Copious. Verisimilitude. - Mmm.
Oh, ohh. Now.
Ohh.
Suck me, beautiful!
- Damn it, Stifler. - Checkout time!
- Please, vacate the room. - You are such a jerk.
God, I can't believe how many cool people are at this party.
Yup.
And you got a keg too!
- Wow! - Indeed.
Oh, wait. I left my beer downstairs.
No. No. Here, babe!
Thanks.
You're really beautiful. Oh--
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
You know what? I don't know if I want to be doing this.
- Doing what? - You know, if we hook up tonight...
tomorrow I'll just be some girl you go telling all your friends about.
No way!
Steve, you could at least look at me when you say that!
Look. Sarah...
l-- I wouldn't go telling stories or anything about you.
I promise. So, just... relax...
take it slow... and let the good times roll.
- Okay. - All right.
What's wrong?
What's wrong? What is it?
Xenophobic.
Oh!
- Regurgitation. - I know that one.
- Kevin likes it. - He likes getting head.
Gee, what a total shocker. What about you, Vicky?
I mean, h-have you just never had one with Kevin...
or have you never had one, period?
I've had one.
- I think. - Okay.
That's a no. No wonder you're not psyched about sex.
You tell me you never even had one manually?
I've never tried it.
You've never double-clicked your mouse?
Ha-ha, nice!
Jesus! Stifler, how much did you drink, man?
Hey, Stifler? How's the pale ale?
- Fuck you! - Ooh, whoo!
- That's Stifler's mom? - Yup.
Shit. I cannot believe a fine woman like this produced a guy like Stifler.
- Dude, that chick's a "MILF." - What the hell is that?
- M-l-L-F-- Mom I'd like to fuck. - Yeah, dude!
Oh-ho, yeah!
- Yeah! MILF! MILF! - Hey, guys-- Guys. Guys.
- Come here. - Sherman, what's goin' on?
Yeah, uh-- Don't you think you fellas could try a little tact?
I got company, if you know what I mean?
She's hot!
If Sherman has sex before I do, I'm gonna be really pissed.
Sherman? The Shermanator?
Come on, man.
MILF! MILF!
MILF! MILF! Dude, hey, dude. What are you doin' to her, dude?
Oh, my God, bro, dude.
Enough of this blow job bullshit. I gotta get laid already.
That's nice. Really, really nice.
- Can I have a ride? - Sure.
- Vicky, wait. - Not for you.
Yeti! I am the Yeti!
- Good morning, gentlemen. - Finch.
Where were you last night, huh?
What happened to that foolproof plan of yours?
Well, I was going for a fashionably-late entrance and I was too late.
So, no ladies left.
It was a very special night, very special.
Guys. Guys.
- I'll never forget this. - Oh, I'll never forget it, either.
Thank you.
- Well, bye. - Bye.
Bye.
Fellas, say good-bye to Chuck Sherman, the boy.
I... am now a man.
I highly recommend you join the club.
We were doin' the wild thing... all night. I'm exhausted.
I don't get it. I mean, how the hell did you do that?
It was just my time. It was just my time.
Best of luck to you boys.
- I cannot believe this. - Come on, guys.
You know, we should be happy for Sherman.
No, we shouldn't be.
You know, I put in months of quality time with Vicky.
Sherman meets a chick for one night and scores.
- This is just wrong. - No shit.
How the hell am I supposed to become Mr. Sensitive Man?
You know, we're all gonna go to college as virgins. You realize this, right?
I mean, they probably have special dorms for people like us.
All right. I got an idea. But it's got to stay between us.
It's really simple. We just got to make an agreement.
Er, nah. It's-- It's more than an agreement.
- What? A bet? - A pact.
No money involved. More important than any bet.
Here's the deal. We all get laid before we graduate.
Dude, it's not like I haven't been trying to get laid.
Think about when you workout, Oz. You gotta have someone there, right?
Someone to spot you. Someone to keep you motivated.
Well, that's exactly what we can do for each other.
I mean, we'll be there to keep each other on track.
Separately, we are flawed and vulnerable, but together...
we are the masters ofour sexual destiny.
Their tiger-style kung fu is strong.
But our dragon-style will defeat it.
Guys!
The Shaolin masters from East and West must unite!
- Fight, and find out who is number one. - Guys!
Come on. You're ruining my moment here. This is our very manhood at stake.
We must make a stand, here and now.
No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused!
We will fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid and should be.
This is our day. This is our time.
And, by God, we will not stand by and watch history condemn us into celibacy.
- Amen. Yes. - I like that.
- We will make a stand. We will succeed. - 'Bout time!
- We will get laid! - Yeah! Yeah!
Now, the sex: It's got to be valid, consensual sex.
No prostitutes. That's what you're thinkin', Finch.
Busted.
So, basically, prom is our last chance.
- Oh, dude. Prom sucks. - I know...
but you gotta think about it this way.
I mean, all the parties afterwards? The chicks are going to want to do it.
Yeah-yeah, he's right. It's, like tradition or something.
The Rose Bowl.
- So, that gives us-- - Exactly three weeks to the day.
We're gonna do this.
- All right, to the next step! - Next step!
Next step!
Well, did you get the flowers?
Don't worry. You'll get her back soon enough.
- You think so? - Sure, she likes you.
- Well, I like her too. - Do you love her?
Um, you know what? You can't really ask me that.
Well, if you want to get her in the sack...
just tell her you love her.
- That's how I was duped. - Look, Jessica...
l-I don't want to dupe her.
All right. What you need to do...
is learn how to press a girl's buttons.
You have to give her what she's never had.
- What's that? - Let me give you a hint.
Ohh, Kev! Uhh. Yeah.
- ¿Comprende? - You mean an orgasm.
- You got it, stud! - Well, you know...
I'm-I'm pretty sure that I've... given her a--
- No, you haven't. - Well, there was one time--
- No. - Oh, man.
Look, kid, it's up to you. The big "L " or the big "O."
Dickhead!
- You gotta see this. - # Do you believe in #
# Magic In a young girl's heart #
# How the music can free her whenever it starts #
# And it's magic if the music is groovy #
- # It makes you feel happy # - What did you cocks do to him?
# I'll tell you about the magic It'll free your soul #
# But it's like tryin' to tell a stranger 'bout rock 'n' roll ##
Great. See you next time.
- Hey, guys. Came to watch me in action? - Yeah.
- l-I think you sounded pretty good. - Yeah, man.
I think you need your balls reattached.
- Hey, keep it down, dude. - What the fuck are you doing here?
This place is an untapped resource.
I mean, check it out.
These vocal jazz girls are hot.
Why the hell is he joining jazz choir so late?
Maybe he's preparing for another senior year at East?
You guys, we don't even know him.
You dipshit!
You're expecting to score with some...
goody-goody choirgirl priss?
These chicks don't know me. I can work the sensitive angle here, fellas!
You know, it's just like that college chick told me.
All that you gotta do is just ask 'em questions...
and listen to what they have to say and shit.
I don't know, man. That sounds like a lot of work!
Uh, just a second!
Come in. Come in.
Oh, Jim, you're here.
Uh, I was just walking by your room and uh--
And, you know, I was thinking, "Boy, it's been a long time since we've had...
a little father-son, uh-uh, chat."
Oh! I almost forgot. l, uh, I bought some magazines.
Do you just want to flip to the centre section?
Well, this is the-- this is the, uh, female form.
And they have focused on the breasts...
uh, which are used primarily to, uh, feed young infants...
- and, uh-- and also, uh, in foreplay. - Right.
This is, uh-- This is Hustler.
And this is a much more exotic magazine.
Now, they have decided to focus on the, uh, pubic region--
- Right. Uh-huh. - The whole groin area.
Look at the expression on her face. You see that? See what's she's doing?
She's kind of looking right into your eyes saying...
"Hey, big boy. Hey, how ya doin'?"
- You see? - Right.
Shaved is a magazine I'm not too familiar with...
but, again, if you flip to the centre...
section--
Well, you see the detail that, uh, that they go into in this picture here.
It almost looks like a tropical plant or something...
- underwater... thing. - Yeah. Yes.
- Do you know what a clitoris is? - Oh, my God.
- Well, don't say, "Oh--" - Yes, I know what a clitoris is.
Oh, you do. Oh, I see. Yes, you do. I forgot you've been there and back.
- You know everything-- - I've learned about it in Sex Ed--
I really don't need you to talk about clitoris.
You know what? I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry.
No-no-no.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have got hot there.
Well, you know what I'm going to do, Jim.
I'm going to just leave these books here...
for you to, uh, peruse at your, uh-- at your leisure.
Wait!
Well, safer than a tube sock.
- Okay, that-- That was good. - Yeah.
- See you at dinner. - Uh, yeah. I'll see you at dinner.
So, Finch, this is your plan?
You know, I don't think girls are into the whole mini-golf thing.
Kevin, I'm sure that they're not.
Actually, there is one small matter that I need to ask for your cooperation in.
In the spirit of this whole pact, you know?
Sure, what do you need?
Whatever you hear about me, you agree. And tell all the boys the same thing.
Look, I gotta go. Sixteen minutes round-trip.
You know, Finch, it's-- it's senior year.
I mean, don't you think it's time you learned how to take a dump at school?
When was the last time you looked at the facilities in this school?
Excuse me.
Uh, that's Paul Finch, right?
Yeah.
Well, you've seen him in the locker room, right?
Uh, yeah.
So, my friends, they want to know. Is it true?
You know, that he's... equipped.
I have no idea. Finch showers with his bathing suit on.
I mean, uh--
As a matter of fact, it is true. The guy's huge!
- Does he have a date for the prom yet? - No, definitely not.
All right. Thanks.
Oh, man!
So I was thinking maybe you could give me some advice, brother to brother.
I thought you might know a trick or somethin' to make her--
Orgasm?
- Yeah. - What's good here?
- Try the spicy tuna hand roll. - What?
How do you do that?
Hey, never mind that. Listen, pay attention.
Is that all that you're interested in, tryin' to get your girl into bed?
No, it'd be good to be able to, you know, return the favour.
Be nice to know she enjoys things as much as I do.
See that? That's good. That's what I wanted to hear. Now, you qualify.
Qualify for what?
My man, you've just inherited the Bible.
It originally started as a sex manual...
this book that some guys brought back from Amsterdam.
And each year it got passed on to one East student who was worthy.
Now, it's full of all sorts of stuff that guys have added over the years.
But you have to keep it a secret and return it at the end of the year.
All right. So now you know. Good luck.
- # If you believe in magic # - # Ooh, magic #
# Don't you bother to choose #
# If it's jug band music or rhythm and blues #
# Just go and listen It will start with a smile #
# That won't wipe off your face no matter how hard you try #
# Your feet start tappin' #
# And you can't seem to find how you got there #
# Do you believe in magic ##
# Scooby-dooby doo bah #
# Scoo-Scooby-dooby Dooby-dooby doo bah #
# Yeah, magic ##
What was that?
- Uh, sorry. - No, it was good.
Well, it, uh-- It came from the heart.
Well, keep it coming. All right, people, good work!
Now, don't forget. The state competition's a couple of weeks away...
so keep on it, okay?
Not bad, Chris.
Really?
Thanks, uh, Heather, right?
Yeah.
So, you've got this sort of Frank Sinatra thing going on.
Right. I feel like I've discovered this whole new side of me.
I mean, uh, music is so expressive.
Okay. I mean, I agree, but...
aren't you supposed to be out, like, trying to decapitate someone...
- with your lacrosse stick or something? - Oh, sure. Sure.
You know, I know what people think. It's like...
"Oz, he's just this kick-ass lacrosse player."
You know, I also play football, by the way, but that's, like...
- that's not all that I am, you know? - Of course, I didn't--
I mean, it really bothers me when people try to pigeonhole me like that.
You?
You think I don't get that?
God, it's like just because I don't get drunk and barf every weekend...
that people say, "Oh, look. There's this Goody Two-Shoes choirgirl priss."
Yeah. So, like, what else do you do?
Well, the same things you do...
like hang out with friends and stuff.
- Why? What do you think I do? - Oh, l--
I just realized that I don't know anything about you.
- I was interested. - Oh, well, what do you want to know?
You know, stuff... about you.
All right.
Mom, I'm home!
Oh, yeah. Oh!
- Jim! - It's not what it looks like.
Well, we'll just tell your mother that, uh-- that, uh--
we ate it all.
Goal by number eight, Chris Ostreicher.
- Nice game. - Nice game. Good game.
Hey, what are you doin' here?
Just enjoying my first exhilarating lacrosse experience.
- You kicked butt. - Oh, thanks.
- Um, Chris-- - Oh, you can call me Oz, if you want.
- Do I have to? - You can call me Ostreicher.
- What's your middle name? - Nah, forget it.
- Come on. I won't tell anyone. - Well, neither will I.
Okay. Um.
So, I had this thought and--
It may seem like it's way out of left field.
I don't know if you can...
but since I'm not going with anybody, I thought that maybe--
Those guys sucked ass!
Choir chick, what the hell are you doing here?
Well, uh, I was asking Chris to prom.
So, do you want to go?
Oh, yeah! That would be great.
Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for the limo!
Stifler, fuck! I mean--
Why do you got to be so insensitive all the time?
What?
Whatever. Look, uh, don't forget. My cottage after prom.
On Lake Michigan.
Hey, wait up, you pussies. Where you goin'?
Ah, well, I gotta-- I gotta hit the showers now...
but I think this is gonna be really, really good.
- Yeah. Me too. - All right.
- Bye. - Bye. Bye.
- 'Appenin' Oz! - Working with the choir chick?
What d'ya say, fellas? I just dig those cute little sweaters she wears.
Nuts you do, you little horn dog.
Yeah! Yeah, baby!
Spank me! Spank me! Hit that high "C."
Come on! What's goin' on here?
I was being selfish and majorly insensitive.
I'm a-- I'm a total idiot. I mean, a fool, a buffoon.
I think shithead really says it.
You know what? You're right. I'm a shithead...
and I want to make it up to you.
Oh, yeah? How?
Vicky. Shh. Your parents are downstairs.
- Kevin, don't stop! - Just a second.
Hon, can you tell Vic to come on down for supper?
Holy shit!
Shh. You know there's no lock on your door?
Ohh! I'm coming! I'm coming!
- Oh, Jim! - Dad.
Hi, I was just looking at the old family portrait out here.
Well, that was a fun day wasn't it?
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
Jim, I want to talk about masturbation.
Now, I just want you to know that it's-it's a perfectly normal, uh, thing.
And I have to admit, uh, you know.
I did a fair bit of masturbating when I was a little younger.
l, uh-- I used to call it "stroking the salami."
Yeah, you know, "pounding the ol' pud."
I never did it with baked goods.
But you know your Uncle Mort?
He "pinched the one-eyed snake" five, six times a day.
See, it's like, uh, practice for the big game.
You see? It's like-- It's like...
banging a tennis ball against a brick wall.
Which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game.
- Right. No. - It's not a game.
What you want is you want a partner to return the ball.
- Do you want a partner? - Yeah. Yeah-Yeah, I want a partner.
- You do want a partner? - Oh, I want a partner.
- Want a partner. Good. Good. - Of course.
Good.
So, once Hal becomes king, he has to take on...
the responsibilities of leadership and turn his back...
on his old, drunken friend, Falstaff.
You see, Hal is going through a... rite of passage, much like you all are.
So make most of the time you've got left together. You'll miss it later.
So, does your tongue cramp up?
- Nah. You get kind of dizzy, though. - Wow.
That's amazing. She's probably gonna want to do it soon.
All right. Class dismissed.
Still questing after the Holy Grail, huh, guys?
Hey, uh, where's Finch?
Oh, he went home to take a shit.
I don't get it. I just don't.
How does a guy like that get this sudden reputation?
- What reputation? - Observe.
Ex-Excuse me. Do you know who Paul Finch is?
Yeah! He's the guy with the tattoo, right?
You know, the eagle and the blazing fire and that stuff.
Well, um, if you guys see him later, will you tell him Courtney says hi?
Bye.
Okay. Explain.
I can't. I don't know how he's doing it.
l, uh-- I guess that just leaves Jim trailing.
- Aw, Jimbo! - Better sack up, buddy!
Yeah, I know. I'm working on it, all right?
James?
You are very good in the world history class, yes?
Me? Y-Yes. No, uh--
Yes, I am.
Perhaps you could help me with my studies.
Uh, yeah. Absolutely.
Tha-Tha-Tha-- That would be-- That would be great sometime.
- How about tomorrow? - Well, I have ballet practice.
Perhaps I could come by your house afterwards?
I could change clothes at your place.
Oh. Uh... yeah.
I suppose that would be okay. Sure.
Nice car!
- I'm glad you think so. - You don't like it?
No, I like the car. By the way, though, about prom?
That was a bad idea. I'm sorry I invited you.
- What are you talkin' about? - Please.
I asked you because I thought you might actually be worth going with.
But you are just a jock. No, wait. You're a jerk.
Wait! I don't understand.
I saw you making fun of me with your lacrosse buddies.
Heather, I wasn't makin' fun of you.
Gimme a break. You're so full of it.
Fuck me! There's gonna be an Eastern European chick naked in your house.
And you're not gonna do anything about that?
What am I gonna do, huh? Broadcast her over the Internet?
- Yeah. - You can do that?
No. I cannot do that to her.
Jim, get some fuckin' balls.
If you don't have the guts to photograph a naked chick...
how you gonna sleep with one?
I don't like the kid, but he's got a point.
See, even shit-brick knows you should do it.
All you gotta do is set up some sort of private link or whatever on the 'Net...
and tell me the address.
You can send me the address too.
I'll save you a seat.
# How sweet it is to be loved by you, by you #
# I needed the shelter of someone's arms #
# Someone's arms #
- # There you were # - # You were, oh #
# I needed someone who understands #
# My ups and downs #
# There you were ##
Okay, that was good, but I want to thicken-up that solo.
Michigan State is this Saturday, and I want that part to smoke.
Yeah, I know, my timing's off.
No, it's not that. I think it'll work better as a duet with a tenor part.
I'll do it.
- Dick. - I'll do it.
Great. See you tomorrow.
- Why are you doing this? - 'Cause I want to.
Yeah? Well, you can't fake this.
You better practice.
Come in.
Jim? There's a, uh-- a young lady here to see you.
- Hey, Nadia. - Hi, James. Ready to study?
Oh, he's always ready to study. He's a real bookworm, this kid.
Dad.
That means-- He's not-not one of those nerdy guys but--
Dad!
Well, I’ll-- I'll let you two hit the books.
You want a beer?
- Oh, there we go. - Come on, move!
Steve! It's my computer! And I wanna use it!
Shut up!
Oh, you need to-- You need to change, right?
- Uhh, do you mind? - No. N-No, not at all.
Uh, please, you know. Just go ahead and get un-- get changed.
I’ll, uh-- I'll go downstairs and start studying up.
- Yeah. - Okay.
- Oh-- - All right, there he goes.
Now, we're in business.
- Back in a sec. - Jimmy, honey, wh--
Ah, here she is.
- Did I miss anything? - No. You are just in time.
- Oh. Ohh! - This is incredible.
Oh, my God! This is too much.
Oh, did you see? Oh, there that goes. Oh, geez.
God bless the Internet.
- Ai-yi-yi. - Do it. Take it off.
- Oh, my God. - Ohhh!
Oh, thank you, God, for this wonderful, wonderful day.
She takes her vitamins.
Stop hyperventilating.
This is, like, the coolest thing I've ever seen.
I know.
Can you believe-- This is definitely one of Stifler's best ideas ever.
What is she-- She's touching my stuff.
- Why is she touching my stuff? - Man, let her touch.
- She's going through my stuff! - Nadia can touch anything she wants.
- Oh. - Oh, no. Oh, no.
- No, no. - Oh, nice collection there, Jim.
She's gonna leave. She's definitely gonna--
She's getting comfortable. She's not gonna leave.
She reads the articles.
Is she?
She's goin' downstairs.
- Oh, my God! - Jackpot, baby!
Can you believe this? I have an announcement that I would like to make.
There is a gorgeous woman... masturbating on my bed!
Thank you, Nadia!
If you ever had a chance with Nadia, this is it.
What am I supposed to do, Kev?
Seduce her.
Wha-- What the hell would I say?
Go over there and ask her if she needs an extra hand.
That's stupid, Kev. I can't--
That's not stupid! You're stupid if you don't go!
Come on! Get over there!
- Get goin', man. She's prime. - Get out of here!
- She's waitin' for you. - Okay, all right. I'm goin'.
- Go! Go! - I'm goin'!
- Go! Go! Go! Go! - Oh, shit.
Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.
Oh, boy. Oh, God. Oh, crap. Oh, no.
Hello?
Looks like Jim addressed the e-mail wrong.
What?
It went out to every mailbox in the East High directory.
God, how juvenile.
Hey, hey, hey, guys!
- # Baby # - Check this out! Oh, my God! Wow!
Please, God, let this be it.
Please?
S-Somebody's goin' in there.
Here you go. That's what you need to do.
- That guy's in my trig class. - Oh, no.
Looks like you could use an extra hand.
Jim!
- Well-- Oh, God. - Shame on you.
Yeah, shame on me. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
- Uh, you know, I'm just gonna go. - Well...
you have seen me.
Now, it's my turn to see you.
Strip!
- Strip? - Slowly.
Uh, you mean, like, strip strip?
For me.
What is he talkin' to her about?
Uh, no idea.
Come on, Jim. People are viewing. Get to business.
Perfect!
- Move, James! Move! - Yeah, yeah. Move.
Go, trig boy! It's yer birthday!
- No! No. No. - Please, God.
What's going on?
- Yes! - All right. Get in the mix!
- See there. - Oh, okay.
- This is disgusting. - What the fuck is this?
Cut it out, man!
Yeah.
Freak.
Did not just take out that chair.
- Yup, he took out the chair. - More, more, you bad boy!
Oh, yeah, I'm naughty. I'm naughty, baby. Hyah!
Ohh, God!
Now...
come to me.
Oh, yeah.
- Here we go. - He's in, man.
This just got a hell of a lot better.
- Be gentle. - Okay.
Jim?
- Oh! Oh, no. - Oh, no.
- Oh. Ohh! - Lift off aborted.
- Houston, we have a problem. - Oh-- Uhh--
What happened? What did he do?
He blew it.
I guess I'll be going now.
No, no, no, I'm-- I'm not done, Nadia. I've, uh-- I've got reserves.
Nadia, please, please. I'm begging you.
Well, I do like your dirty magazines.
You do? Okay. Well. Um. Did-Did-- Did you see this one?
This here is your-- is your more, uh, exotic, risqué magazine.
- He's pullin' out the porn. - He's desperate.
Jim, just wait till she leaves.
Very arousing women. They arouse me--
They arouse me very, very much.
But, uh-- But not as arousing as you.
- Oh, Jim! - Oh, God!
Yes!
He's ruining daisy! Whoo!
So, uh, "shaved" is the expression?
Holy shit.
- Holy shit! - Holy shit!
- H-H-Holy shit! - Touch me, Jim.
Here.
Oh. Oh.
- Again? - Not again.
- Not again, man! - Is that possible?
What a loser.
Hey!
# I needed someone to understand my ups and downs #
# There you were #
# With sweet love and devotion #
# Deeply touching my emotion #
# I just wanna stop and thank you, baby ##
- Hey, minute man! - Shut up.
You know-- You know you're supposed to be supportive.
Hey, you think you still got a chance with Nadia?
No. Her sponsors here saw the thing on the 'Net.
l-I really don't think they liked it.
How do you know that?
She's already on a plane back home.
Yeah.
You know, guys? Maybe I'm just not good with girls, period.
No-no-no, really-really. Like-- Like I was born without that part of the brain.
I mean, I can't talk to girls.
And when I do talk to them, I screw it up.
Yeah, well, come prom those excuses aren't going to do you any good.
And one time at band camp...
we weren't supposed to have pillow fights...
but we had a pillow fight, and it was so much fun.
A-And this one time, we all lost our music...
and we were supposed to play this song...
but we didn't know it, so we just made it up and we kept playing and playing...
and the conductor didn't know what we were doing, and it was so funny.
So, you're pissed about somethin', huh.
You know what I do when I'm angry?
I just play some Bach on my flute. It's so relaxing.
- I learned to do that at band camp. - Hold on, uh--
You have no idea why I'm angry?
Is it because we have a test tomorrow? Sometimes I get cranky...
when I know I have a big test to study for.
- Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty much it. - I thought so...
- because this one time at band camp-- - W-What's your name?
- Michelle. - O-Okay.
Michelle, um--
Do you want to be my date for the prom?
Really? You seriously want to go with me?
Yes. Seriously.
Are we going to Steve Stifler's party afterwards?
Because that would be so cool.
Sure, whatever you want.
Cool! We're gonna have such a good time.
It'll be like this one time at band camp when we all had a campfire--
Hi.
- How'd you know I was here? - Stifler told me.
- Talked to Stifler? - Well, I needed to find you.
We're gonna have to work on that song.
Okay. I'm glad you came by.
So you work nights?
- My dad's the manager. - Really?
Cool. Tell him the subs are great.
- So you're going to Michigan next year? - Yeah.
My parents want me to go to Northwestern, but...
I don't wanna write all those extra essays they make you do.
I mean, how am I supposed to know...
what my "most emotionally significant moment" was?
So when my "U" of "M" acceptance came in December, I just said the hell with it.
- Onions? - What?
You, uh, want onions?
Oh, no, thank you.
So what are you gonna major in?
State's got a good business school...
and I could probably walk-on to the lacrosse team.
Well, you've probably got it pretty figured out, then, huh?
I mean, business is okay, and lacrosse is awesome, but...
what am I gonna be, a professional lacrosse player?
I really have no idea.
Thank God. I thought I was the only one.
Well, you're not.
So we're gonna be close next year.
You mean East Lansing and Ann Arbor?
Yeah.
What are you talkin' about?
I can't go to the prom with you. I'm holding out for someone else.
You gotta be fuckin' kidding me.
I know it's a long shot, but I figure Paul Finch might ask me.
Finch. Shit-brick.
Oh, gosh. l-I forgot.
You look okay.
l-I mean, the scars healed really well.
- Hey, Stifler. - Eat shit.
What was that all about?
He's still embarrassed because Finch kicked his ass.
Who told you that?
What do you mean, "no comment"?
- Did you two hook up or something? - What, are you kidding? No.
Then how did all this get started?
Well, I guess it's all right for me to tell you now.
That reputation of his isn't going anywhere. Cheese, please.
Finch comes up to me and says, " Jessica...
I need your help with this, blah, blah, etcetera."
So I said, "All right. Pay me 200 bucks...
and I'll tell a couple of girls that you're dynamite in bed."
So he did, and I did.
- That actually works? - Well, duh! Of course.
Naturally, I embellished a little bit.
Did you hear that Finch had an affair with an older woman?
No, I didn't hear that one.
That one was my favourite.
Do that cheerleader.
- # Thank you, baby # - She wants me. She calls me up--
# How sweet it is to be loved by you ##
Oh, my God, you're gay!
Sing it with me. You know the words.
No, thanks, man. You've been singin' that shit all week.
If you try that at M.S.U. this Saturday, I'll kick your ass.
Our last game is this Saturday.
Yeah, well, shit.
I've got this lacrosse game. It's really important. It's our last game.
Central almost beat us last time, so this time I really wanna kick their ass.
But it's gonna be cool, because the game's at State...
which means afterwards I'll be able to stop by.
So you can't sing at the competition.
Heather, I'm sorry. I totally blew it.
It's okay. You should... do what makes you happy.
All right. Listen, thanks for understanding.
Yeah.
So, uh, I guess I'll see you later?
Mm-hmm.
Hey, Kevin.
- You seen shit-brick lately? - Why? What did you do to him?
Me? Nothing.
See, I'm the one whose ass he kicked.
But, uh, I'll tell you one thing, though.
I don't think he's gonna have a problem shitting in school anymore.
Slipped a little something into his mochaccino.
Oh, God!
Oh! Oh!
Jesus.
Right this way, sir.
Oh, God.
Oh, no.
It's gonna be fun.
You know it's just gonna be some crappy band and stupid decorations.
You're just saying that because prom's a week away
and you don't have a date.
No, no, no. I don't want a date.
Finch is goin' stag and... so am I.
God, he's like so... refined.
You think that older woman thing is true?
Yeah, it's true. It was Stifler's mom.
Joanie, was that you?
- Oh! - Can't hold it.
Oh!
Eww!
Yeah!
Kev? I think we've come...
- a really long way since homecoming. - Yeah, we have.
Maybe it's time...
we start to express ourselves in new ways.
- Yeah. - You wanna do it?
- Yeah. - I love you.
It's your turn.
That's not what I was thinking.
Sex. It's always about sex.
It's not always about sex.
I just thought it was about sex this time.
Look, Vicky, love is a term that gets thrown around...
and-and people don't mean it.
When I say it, I want it to be more than words.
- You know? I want it to be-- - Perfect.
Exactly.
- Okay, Albert. You ready? - No problemo.
# I close my eyes at night #
Come on, Heather. Work with me here.
Goal, Ostreicher!
- All right, Oz! - Atta boy, Ozzie!
Whoo! Yeah, baby!
- We're crushing you losers! - Let's go, fellas!
Come on! Whoo-hoo!
# Bumblebee, bumblebee, bumblebee, bumblebee, bumblebee #
Focus on the music. Think melody.
- Let the music be my guide. - That would be a start.
Who's the man? Stifler!
Huddle up, guys! Huddle up!
Huddle up! Come on! Okay.
All right, all right!
- Good hustle, guys. - Good hustle.
But you can still lose. You all saw what happened to Oz out there.
I don't want to ever see any of you thinking you're gonna score.
You don't score until you score.
- Until you score. - That's right, baby!
It all boils down to today.
For you seniors, this marks the culmination...
- of the past four years. - Culmination.
I want you to think about what this means to you.
Do you guys wanna look back on your days at East...
and know that you used the time you had?
- Hell, yeah! - You do!
- Ah! Good attitude, Ostreicher. - Good luck, fellas.
Christ, I didn't tell ya to leave the game.
I'm sorry, Coach.
You got someplace more important to be, Ostreicher?
Yeah.
Ostreicher!
Oz? Fuckface?
Ostreicher!
- Hey, Oz! - Ozmeister!
- Oh, great. - What about the game?
- I'm not playing. - You're missing the game for us?
No, I'm missing the game for you.
D-Does this mean I'm not gonna get to do the duet?
Albert, you suck.
I don't think he's comin' back.
# Close my eyes at night #
# Close my eyes #
# Wonderin' where would I be without you in my life #
# Everything I did was just a bore #
# Just a bore #
# Everywhere I went seems I been there before #
# But you brighten up for me all of my days #
- # With a love so sweet # - # In so many ways #
# I just wanna stop #
- # And thank you, baby # - # I just wanna stop #
- # And thank you, baby # - # Thank you, baby #
# How sweet it is to be loved by you ##
Yeah, Oz! You fuckin' rule!
- Fuckin' rule! - Yeah!
Maybe the words aren't that important.
It's like, I know he really cares about me, you know?
Even if he can't say it, he does.
And yeah, he always talks about sex, but that's okay, 'cause he's a guy, right?
- He's got a dick. He's a guy. - Right.
Wait. Is this translation right?
"Go home, bird teacher. I've had enough."
I don't know. I got it from Kevin.
- So, does it hurt? - What?
You know-- sex. Does it hurt?
Yeah. I mean, the first time you do it, you know, it hurts.
But then you, you do it again and again and again--
It just starts to feel good. Really good.
Okay, so say I don't do it.
And then I go off to college. I might end up doing it with some random guy...
- who totally turns out to be a jerk. - This is true.
And I'll wish I would've done it with Kevin.
So go do it with Kevin.
- You think? - Yeah. You're-- You're ready.
You're woman. Look at you. You're ready for sex.
- You're right. - I know.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna have sex.
And it's gonna be right, and it's gonna be just perfect.
- Perfect sex. - Thanks, Jessica.
Please.
Kevin.
Kevin.
- I wanna have sex. - Now?
Prom.
You must be excited about the big night tonight.
Thrilled.
Who's the lucky girl?
Michelle.
- Michelle. - Yeah.
- She must be very special. - Oh, she's special, all right.
I'm sure she is special if you picked her out of the whole bunch.
Jim, I'm just gonna say one thing...
before you leave tonight.
I want you to be very, very careful...
when you're putting on...
the corsage.
Okay, Dad.
- Promise me. - I promise.
# Midnight at the oasis #
# Send your camel to bed #
# Shadows painting our faces #
# Traces #
# Of romance in our heads #
# Heaven's holding a half-moon #
# Shining just for us #
# Let's slip off to a sand dune #
# Real soon #
# And kick up a little dust #
# Come on Cactus is our friend #
# He'll point out the way #
You know, at band camp we have dances like this...
only they're way funner.
# Till the evenin' ends ##
# Hey, hey, hey Oooh #
All right, status check. Where do you guys stand?
Finch, we know where you are, but can't really use that as an excuse.
Jim?
Uh, my date's a flute-toting band dork. Does that answer your question?
Oz, is this vocal-jazz shit gonna pay offor what?
Kevin, what's with the attitude?
Attitude? Me?
I think you guys should be a little more enthusiastic.
This is the night we've been waiting for.
We're in this together. You guys can't back out.
Kev, you don't need us to get laid. Are you afraid or something?
No. Come on. We made a pact.
You can't break that. You guys are gonna have to--
Have to what, Kev, huh? I don't have to do shit.
Forget it already. I am so sick and tired of all this bullshit pressure.
I've never even had sex, and already, I can't stand it. I hate sex!
And I'm not gonna stand around here busting my balls over something that...
quite frankly, isn't that damn important.
I'm gonna go hang out with that geek over there...
'cause at least she has something else to talk about besides sex.
Goddamn.
Yeah.
You know, at least I learned how to shit in school, buddy.
Hey, Finch.
- Wanna dance? - Yeah.
# Oooh #
- How come you have no date? - I like to keep my options open.
I got something for you.
Consider it a consolation prize.
Jessica, this is great! Wow!
Felt sorta guilty about taking your money.
You spent $200 on this?
No, I spent 50 on the flask, 150 on the earrings.
- These are, uh-- - Let me just clarify...
that you have no chance of scoring with me, Finch.
Of course not!
So I take it you and Sherman are pretty close, huh?
You met at that party a while back, right?
Yeah, we were up all night together.
We had one of those amazingly deep conversations...
where you feel like you really get to know someone.
Deep conversation, huh?
Is that what you call it?
What else would I call it?
Thank you, Great Falls.
We're gonna take a little break. You are beautiful.
You suck!
Excuse me, everyone.
Sorry to interrupt.
I just thought you all should know this.
Chuck Sherman is a liar.
I never had sex with him.
He's never had sex with anyone. I know this because he told me.
Once he tried to screw a grapefruit, but that's all.
Oh. He also told me that when he gets nervous, he sometimes wets his pants.
Thank you for your time.
- Guess what? - Not interested.
Kevin. Come on, man. The bus to Stifler's is gonna be here soon.
- I'm not going. - What?
Why not?
Look, things didn't really turn out how I wanted them to.
I mean, I don't even know what I'm doin'.
l-I'm acting like I've got everything together tonight.
I know that Vicky's gonna ask me if I love her, and...
I don't know what I'm gonna say.
I mean, I'm on the brink.
I'm just about to do it. I should be psyched.
I don't know. Maybe you're right. Maybe I am just scared.
Come on, Kev. Tonight is the night.
We-We are finally going to a post-prom party on the lake.
We have been waiting for this for four years.
Why else have we been friends with Stifler all this time, right?
We were friends with Stifler?
Hey, look.
Sherman didn't even get laid.
- He didn't? - No, he pissed himself.
What?
We'll tell you on the bus.
I'm gonna go inside and grab my bag.
My date too, perhaps?
Stifler's mom got it in the divorce.
That reminds me of this one time--
Hey, can I ask you a question?
How come you don't have any stories? I've got lots of them...
and you don't have any.
Oh, I've got stories. Believe me. They're just, uh--
They're just a little more risqué than tales of band camp.
Are they gross or something? Like guy stuff? Tell me!
Okay. You want a story?
Here's a story. Stifler finds this beer--
This is the nicest room in the house.
Kev, it's perfect.
You guys are gonna fuck, aren't ya?
Fuckers! Fuckers, fuckers!
Fuckers, fuckers, fuckers!
- Out. - Aw, come on!
- Get out. - Aw, man!
There's something I've been meaning to tell you, Heather.
What's that?
It's gonna sound really bad, but, uh...
I want you to know.
You see, uh...
I'm a virgin, and, uh--
Well, me, Kevin, Jim and Finch were--
We all made this pact...
that we would lose our virginity...
before high school was over...
and tonight is supposed to be the night that we all do it.
This isn't the best way to proposition me.
No, that's-- That's not what I mean.
W-What I mean is, uh--
Look, do you know what made me leave that game?
See, Coach, he was givin' us this speech about...
not slacking off when you see the opportunity to score--
This isn't any better, Chris.
No, you see-- You see, Heather...
what I realized is that...
with you, it's... not like I'm running towards a goal...
looking for the best way to score.
This may sound a little corny, but...
I feel like I've already won.
And, uh, I care about you a lot.
Oz, I know.
- You called me Oz. - Well, yeah.
It's what your friends call you.
I mean, I feel like I'm one of your friends now.
And... your girlfriend?
Are ya lost?
You're Stifler's mom. Uh--
No, no, not lost. Just, um...
you know, taking the tour.
Hey, uh, thank you for letting us have this wonderful party.
As if there was an alternative in the matter.
So, you enjoying yourself?
I'm... three sheets to the wind, ma'am.
I'm so happy for you.
But it takes the edge off, doesn't it?
- Where's your little date tonight? - No date. It was--
It was a bathroom incident.
- Pardon me? - Never mind.
You have anything to drink?
I believe the kegs are upstairs.
That is what the cretins drink.
I'm talking about alcohol, liquor.
- The good stuff. - All right.
I got some scotch.
- Single malt? - Aged 18 years.
The way I like it.
Why don't you go grab a glass from the bar?
I think I should.
Allow me.
You know it's a bitchin' party.
The Stif-man always comes through in the clutch.
And then he just puked his brains out.
- That is a nasty story. - Yep, I told you.
Do you want to hear a nasty story of mine?
It's sort of sexual.
Yeah! Yeah, let's hear it.
Okay, well, this one time at band camp, we were playing this game.
I don't know if you know it, but it's called "Spin the Bottle."
And I had to kiss this guy named Mark Wander on the lips.
And-And he plays trombone--
So how do you want to be?
Like... how do you want to do it?
I don't know. How do you?
Like... normal style. The missionary position.
Okay.
Kev?
- Yeah? - I wanna hear you say it.
Okay.
Victoria...
I love you.
I love you.
Oh my. Here.
You okay?
Yeah. Go slow.
So the end of the story is you...
had to kiss the guy for 20 seconds.
Yes! And he was such a dork. Everyone laughed at me...
but I didn't care because it was so funny.
I get it.
And this one time at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.
Excuse me?
What? You don't think I know how to get myself off?
Hell, that's what half of band camp is-- Sex Ed.
So are we gonna screw soon, 'cause I'm gettin' kinda antsy.
This'll do. Whoo-hoo!
Ow!
Now, I have two rubbers. Wear them both. It'll desensitize you.
I don't want you coming so damn early this time.
What makes you think that I would come early?
Come on. I saw you on the 'Net. Why do you think I accepted this date?
You're a sure thing.
Yes, I am.
So I said, "This is very obviously a Piero della Francesca."
So, uh, would you object if I said that you were quite striking?
Mr. Finch, are you trying to seduce me?
Yes, ma'am, I am.
Mmm, you're dead.
- I had no idea you'd be this good. - Neither did I.
Oh, Finchy. Finch.
- Oh, Stifler's mom, whoa! - Finchy!
Okay, let's go.
What's my name? Say my name, bitch!
Michelle, Michelle.
Oh, God.
That was a great night, huh?
Yeah.
I mean, I just can't believe we had our senior prom.
I know. It went by so fast.
Yeah, it did.
Kevin?
Next year with you going to Ann Arbor...
and me going to Ithaca...
it's not gonna work, is it?
No. Don't say that.
I mean, we could make it work.
- It'll be perfect. - No, Kevin.
But--
See, that's what I've been realizing...
is that... nothing's perfect.
And you can't plan everything.
Well, I guess... you will be pretty far away.
And we'll be on our own, meeting new people.
Last night, though.
I wasn't lying.
I know.
She's gone. Wha--
Oh, my God. She used me.
I was used.
I was used. Cool!
What's this door locked--
Mom, where's--
- Mom? Shit-brick? - Hey, Stifler.
I just gotta say that women...
like a fine wine, only get better with age.
Of course, I have no basis for comparison, but, uh...
it was good.
So you almost made it, huh, Oz?
I'll just say that we had a great night together.
Hang in there, buddy. You'll get there.
You know, guys, I think we're falling in love.
Wha-- Wow.
That's great, man. That's awesome.
Y-You know what the coolest thing is, guys?
This. You know, right now.
It's true. I mean, after this, everything's gonna be different.
After... getting laid?
- After high school. - Here's to the next step.
To the next step.
- To the next step. - To the next step.
Sweetheart?
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