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American Pie - Rated Version

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[ Woman Moaning ]
Ahh ! Ohh !
- Ohh.|- [ Man Moaning ] Oh, yeah.
Ohh,|you're so good.
Ohh, yes.|I am the best, baby.
- [ Woman On TV ] Oh, yeah !|- Oh. Oh, that was a tit.
- That is a tit ! Yes !|- [ Moaning Continues ]
[ Woman ] Oh, you're so big !
Oh, yeah. Yeah,|that's right, baby.
- [ Man On TV ] Oh, doggie|wants to hide his bone. - [ Woman ] Yes !
Oh, yeah !|I'm bone smuggling, baby.
- Man, would you shut up !|- [ Moaning Continues ]
Hey, Jimmy.|Just wanted to say sweet dreams.
Yeah, yeah.|Sweet dreams. Good night, Mom.
- Kiss good night.|- [ Moaning Continues ]
- [ Mom ] Something wrong|with the reception ? - Uh, yeah. Yeah.
- There's-- There's this nature|show that I'm trying to watch. - [ Man On TV ] Take it off.
- And the birds are|all scrambled and I can't even-- - [ Woman On TV ] Do me ! Yes !
- [ Jimmy Groans ]|- Baby ! Ride me like a pony !
- The thing must be broken or I|sat on the remote or something. - [ Moans Continue ]
- Getting ready for bed, son ?|- Yup, I'm all set, Dad. I'm all set.
- Yeah ?|- No ! No, I think he's tried to watch some illegal channels.
- Illegal-- Illegal channels ?|- This is just bad reception, honey.
-[ Man On TV ] Oh, spank my hairy ass !|-What's that ?
- Ooh, baby !|- You know what ? Here. Just give me this, please--
- Oh, my God !|- And let's get this-- Ohh !
Okay, okay. Let's, uh-- What the hell's|the matter with this thing ?
[ Woman On TV ] Yes !
[ Woman On TV ] Yes !
[ Boy ] Illegal channels ?|Shit !
If there's any channel that|should be illegal, it's that "all-woman's" channel.
- Lifetime supply|of pantyhose or some shit. - Yeah.
Hey, uh, did you see The Little Mermaid|on TV the other night ?
- No.|- Ariel, man. She's so hot !
- Yeah, Oz. But not when she's on land.|- She's a mermaid, dude.
[ Boy ] Come on, Vicky, it's Stifler's|party. We got to go. It'll be great.
[ Vicky ] Why ? All that|happens at Stifler's parties is people get drunk and do it.
Yeah.
[ Vicky ] Now, come on, Kevin.|Open it.
It's a big, thick envelope, Vicky.|You got in.
If you think so,|just open it.
- Fine.|- ** [ Rock ]
Hmm.
"Dear Miss Latham: We're sorry but|after keeping you on the waiting list...
for the past couple of months, we've|decided that you are now rejected."
- Shut up !|- [ Both Giggling ]
- You got in.|- [ Squeals ] Yes ! I love you !
- -**-** [ Continuing ]|- [ Chuckling ] Okay.
Hey, you think I should wear|this shirt to Stifler's party ?
[ Scoffs ] You've worn that shirt for,|like, three days in a row, man !
Guys.|She said it.
- Said what ? [ Chuckles ]|- She said she loves me.
- Holy shit, dude ! The "L" word ?|- Oh, man !
Cornell's not|that far from "U" of "M."
Yeah, it's only,|like, seven hours.
Oh, and you get|to drive across Canada.
- Beautiful country.|- Whatever. It's doable.
Wh-What we should|do today, in band.
Instead of playing|our instruments regularly, we should play them backwards.
- That'll be so funny !|- Yeah.
-**-** [ Noodling ]
No offense, but you're talking|about a post-high school, long-distance relationship.
And you and Kevin|haven't even done it yet.
That's not why|we're going out.
What do you expect him to drive|to Cornell for ? Milk and cookies ?
We're gonna have sex|when he's ready and I'm ready.
It's got to be|completely perfect.
I want the right time, the right moment,|the right place--
Vicky, it's not|a space shuttle launch. It's sex.
- Finch.|- Here's the man we are looking for.
- Gentlemen.|- What's going on, buddy ?
- Gentlemen.|- What's going on, buddy ?
- Same ol'--|- [ Sighs ] Finch. You got the Latin homework ?
Oh.|[ Speaks Latin, Chuckles ]
It means, "My dog ate it."|It's Latin. It's a joke.
- It's a Latin joke.|- Yeah, Latin. Just drink your coffee.
- No, Jim, it's mochaccino.|- What ?
What I'm drinking, it's mochaccino.|It's not coffee.
[ Boy ] 'Nova !
- [ Both Grunting ]|- What's up, dude ?
You coming to the party|tonight, Ozzie, you fuckface ?
Uh, depends if my date|wants to stop by.
- I'm working on something new.|- I got an idea about something new.
How about you guys|actually locate your dicks,
remove the shrink-wrap|and fucking use them !
Dude, it's gonna happen.|She's a college chick.
[ Scoffs ] Oh, right.|I'll see you guys tonight.
I'll look for you in the no-fucking|section. [ Mocking Laugh ]
[ Self-Deprecating Chuckle ]
[ Self-Deprecating Chuckle ]
All right. I'm shooting for a|9:00 E.T.A. Beer in hand by five after.
Breath check.
- Thank you.|- [ Gargling ]
[ Hacks ]
- I wish you wouldn't do that.|- So, you got something up your sleeve for tonight ?
This is a foolproof plan,|my friend.
I have a serious question|to ask you guys. Okay.
You know Nadia the Czechoslovakian|chick ? She might be there tonight.
Now, do you think she would prefer...|[ Clears Throat ]
Laid-back Jim...
or...
[ Clears Throat ]|cool, hip Jim ?
I don't think it really matters|with that shirt you're wearing.
What ? Correct me if I'm wrong but|you're the one with the girlfriend...
and you're still|stranded on third base.
Hey, at least I know what|third base feels like, okay ?
- You're still just a batboy.|- Batboy. Batboy.
- [ Laughs ]|- What are you talking about ?
Guys, uh--
What exactly does|third base feel like ?
You wanna|take this one ?
- Like warm apple pie.|- Yeah ? - Yeah.
- Apple pie, huh ?|- Uh-huh.
- McDonald's or homemade ?|- [ Scooter Engine Starts ]
Gentlemen,|destiny awaits.
- [ Engine Stalls ]|- [ Boys Chuckle ]
- [ Engine Stalls ]|- [ Boys Chuckle ]
- -**-** [ Rock ]|- -** It's been one week since you looked at me -**
-** Cocked your head to the side|and said, I'm angry -**
That's number five and six|for the Stif-meister !
- -**-** [ Continues ]|- Yeah.
- [ Gasps ]|- Oops !
- Holy !|- H-Hey !
Nadia ! Buenos dias.|Glad you could make it.
- I'll be back for you later.|- [ Door Bell Chimes ]
- -**-** [ Snapping Fingers ]|- -**-** [ Continues ]
- Another party sultan !|- How ya doing ?
Welcome to Stifler's|Palace of Love, fellas.
- The keg's back there ! Enjoy !|- Yeah.
Vicky, Jessica ! Great to see you.|Glad you could make it.
Haha, bitches !
- Sherman !|- Hey !
What the fuck|are you doing here ?
Fellas !|What's going on ?
Fellas !|What's going on ?
Sherman. Not much. Just, uh,|scoping the babes.
- Indeed ! Some fine ladies here, boys.|- Uh-huh.
Confidence is high.|Repeat. Confidence is high.
Sherman is moving|to DEFCON 2.
- Full strategic arsenal|ready for deployment. - Hey !
You have something|going tonight, Sherman ?
You see that|Central chick, Bernette ?
- Um, no.|- No.
She's around.|Seems she's taken a liking to me.
Fellas, it's time|she experienced... the Shermanator.
Yeah, okay,|Sherman. Whatever.
I'm a sophisticated sex robot|sent back through time...
to change the future|for one lucky lady.
- Go get 'em, tiger.|- [ Imitates Schwarzenegger ] I'll be back !
- Hopeless.|- Completely.
- Hi.|- Hey, Vic.
Oh, shit.|Guys-- Guys--
There's Nadia and|she just looked at me.
- She just looked at me.|- Well, why don't you go talk to her ?
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right, Kev.|I should just go talk to her.
- [ Laughing ]|- [ Indistinct ]
Yeah,|I could do that. Sure.
Sure.|[ Clears Throat ]
Kev ? Kev ? Ke--
- [ Clattering ]|- [ Groan ]
Yeah. Yeah.|[ Indistinct ]
-** At last -**
-** My love -**
-** Has come along -**
-** My lonely days -**
- -** Are over -**|- [ Laughs ] That's great !
-** And life|is like a song -**
-** Oh, yeah, yeah -**
-** At last -**
See ya later.
-** The stars above -**-**
- -**-** [ Rock ]|- [ Doorbell Chimes ]
- -**-** [ Blaring ]|- We're here for the party.
What party ?|There's no party. [ Chuckles ]
[ Slurred, Indistinct ]
Weird.|Try the house down the street.
[ Oz ] So, what's your major ?
[ Girl ] Post-modern feminist thought.
Oh, cool.|Great night, isn't it ?
Sure.
Yeah, it's just something about the|springtime that's just cool, you know ?
- Like the smell|of fresh rain or something. - Mmm.
Suck me, beautiful.
What did you just say ?
- Suck me, beautiful.|- [ Laughs ]
My friends call me "'Nova,"|as in Casanova.
That's pathetic.|[ Laughs ]
Jeez, you don't|have to laugh at me.
Well, there's just some things|you need to learn, that's all.
- Like what ?|- Well, you've got to tone it down.
You don't need to come|to a place like Lookout Point...
and spout off|cheeseball lines to be romantic.
- Okay.|- You have to pay attention to a girl.
Be sensitive to her feelings.|Relationships are reciprocal.
Come on, Casanova.|I'll take you back to your friends.
[ Power Windows Hum ]
Vicky, think it's time to take|the next step in our relationship ?
- Tonight ?|- Yeah, it's such a perfect evening.
I mean, it's how you've|always pictured it, isn't it ?
[ Boy ] Damn, my parts fucking stink !
[ Boy #2 ] Dude, you gotta take|a shit ! You smell like a Yeti !
Or not.
Just relax.
[ Zipper Unzips ]
You actually|said that ?
- [ Laughs Hysterically ]|- Shut up !
You did a hell of a lot better|than I did with Nadia.
Oh, thanks, Jim, that's great.|That's really reassuring.
Hey, no problem,|'Nova.
Hey, don't call me 'Nova anymore.|I'm a-- I'm a fraud.
You guys|are pathetic.
I'm gonna find myself|a little hottie.
"Suck me, beautiful" !|[ Mocking Laugh ]
- -**-** [ Continues ]|- [ Heavy Breathing ]
- Let me know.|- Okay.
Keep going.
I should be able|to talk to girls.
I'm articulate.
You know, I got a 720|on my S.A.T. verbal.
Bullshit.|There's no way.
I kid you not, man.|Look. Listen.
- Copious. Verisimilitude.|- Mmm.
[ Moaning ]|Oh, ohh. Now.
Ohh.
[ Moaning, Grunting ]
[ Fizzing ]
Suck me,|beautiful !
- Damn it, Stifler.|- Checkout time !
- Please, vacate the room.|- You are such a jerk.
God, I can't believe how many|cool people are at this party.
Yup.|[ Chuckles, Snaps Fingers ]
And you got|a keg too !
- Wow !|- Indeed.
Oh, wait.|I left my beer downstairs.
No. No.|Here, babe !
[ Giggles ]|Thanks.
You're really|beautiful. Oh--
- Really ?|- [ Sighs ] Oh, yeah.
[ Both Giggle ]
[ Muffled Chuckle ]
You know what ? I don't know|if I want to be doing this.
- Doing what ?|- You know, like, if we hook up tonight,
tomorrow I'll just be some girl|you go telling all your friends about.
[ Incredulous Chuckle ]|No way !
Steve, you could at least look at me|when you say that !
[ Sighs ]|Look. Sarah,
I-- I wouldn't go telling|stories or anything about you.
I promise.|So, just... relax,
take it slow... and|let the good times roll.
- Okay.|- All right.
[ Gulps, Exhales ]
What's wrong ?
What's wrong ?|What is it ?
- Xenophobic.|- [ Scream ]
[ Whimpering ]|Oh !
- Regurgitation.|- I know that one.
- Kevin likes it.|- He likes getting head.
Gee, what a total shocker.|What about you, Vicky ?
I mean, h-have you just|never had one with Kevin...
or have you never|had one, period ?
I've had one.
- I think.|- Okay.
That's a no. No wonder|you're not psyched about sex.
You tell me you never|even had one manually ?
- I've never tried it.|- You've never double-clicked your mouse ?
- [ Coughing, Vomiting ]|- Ha-ha, nice !
- [ Laughing ]|- Jesus ! Stifler, how much did you drink, man ?
Hey, Stifler ?|How's the pale ale ?
- Fuck you ! [ Vomits ]|- Ooh, whoo !
- [ Kevin ] That's Stifler's mom ?|- [ Jim ] Yup.
Shit. I cannot believe a fine woman|like this produced a guy like Stifler.
- Dude, that chick's a "MILF."|- What the hell is that ?
- M-I-L-F-- Mom I'd like to fuck.|- Yeah, dude !
Oh-ho, yeah !
- [ Together ] Yeah ! MILF ! MILF !|- Hey, guys-- Guys. Guys.
- Come here.|- Sherman, what's going on ?
Yeah, uh-- Don't you think you fellas|could try a little tact ?
I got company,|if you know what I mean ?
She's hot !
[ Door Slams ]
If Sherman has sex before I do,|I'm gonna be really pissed.
Sherman ? [ Chuckles ]|The Shermanator ?
- [ Both Laugh ]|- Come on, man.
[ Together ]|MILF ! MILF !
MILF ! MILF ! Dude, hey, dude.|What are you doing to her, dude ?
Oh, my God,|bro, dude.
- [ Chuckles ]|- Enough of this blow job bullshit.
- I gotta get laid already.|- [ Vicky ] That's nice. Really, really nice.
- Can I have a ride ?|- Sure.
- [ Kevin ] Vicky, wait.|- Not for you.
Yeti !|I am the Yeti !
- [ Finch ] Good morning, gentlemen.|- Finch.
Where were you last night, huh ?|What happened to that foolproof plan of yours ?
Well, I was going for a fashionably-late|entrance and I was too late.
So,|no ladies left.
[ Sherman ] It was a very|special night, very special.
- [ Girl Giggling ]|- Guys. Guys.
- I'll never forget this.|- Oh, I'll never forget it, either.
- [ Sherman ] Thank you.|- Uhh.
- [ Girl ] Well, bye.|- Bye.
Bye.
[ Door Closes ]
Fellas, say good-bye|to Chuck Sherman, the boy.
I... am now a man.
I highly recommend|you join the club.
We were doing the wild thing...|all night. I'm exhausted.
I don't get it. I mean,|how the hell did you do that ?
It was just my time.|It was just my time.
Best of luck|to you boys.
- I cannot believe this.|- Come on, guys.
You know, we should|be happy for Sherman.
[ Sighs ]|No, we shouldn't be.
You know, I put in months|of quality time with Vicky.
Sherman meets a chick|for one night and scores.
- This is just wrong.|- No shit.
How the hell am I supposed|to become Mr. Sensitive Man ?
You know, we're all gonna go to college|as virgins. You realize this, right ?
I mean, they probably have special dorms|for people like us.
All right. I got an idea.|But it's got to stay between us.
It's really simple. We just|got to make an agreement.
Er, nah. It's--|It's more than an agreement.
- What ? A bet ?|- A pact.
No money involved.|More important than any bet.
Here's the deal.|We all get laid before we graduate.
Dude, it's not like I haven't|been trying to get laid.
Think about when you work out, Oz.|You gotta have someone there, right ?
Someone to spot you.|Someone to keep you motivated.
Well, that's exactly what|we can do for each other.
I mean, we'll be there|to keep each other on track.
Separately, we are flawed|and vulnerable, but together,
we are the masters|of our sexual destiny.
Their tiger-style|kung fu is strong.
But our dragon-style|will defeat it.
- Guys !|- The Shaolin masters from East and West must unite !
- Fight, and find out who is number one.|- Guys !
Come on. You're ruining my moment here.|This is our very manhood at stake.
We must make|a stand, here and now.
No longer will our penises|remain flaccid and unused !
We will fight for every man out there|who isn't getting laid and should be.
This is our day.|This is our time.
And, by God, we will not stand by and|watch history condemn us into celibacy.
- Amen. Yes.|- I like that.
-We will make a stand. We will succeed.|-'Bout time !
- We will get laid !|- Yeah ! - Yeah !
[ Cheering, Whooping ]
Now, the sex: It's got|to be valid, consensual sex.
- No prostitutes.|That's what you're thinking, Finch. - [ Sucking Air ]
[ Laughs ]|Busted.
So, basically,|prom is our last chance.
- Oh, dude. Prom sucks.|- I know,
but you gotta think|about it this way.
I mean, all the parties afterwards ?|The chicks are going to want to do it.
- Yeah-yeah, he's right. It's,|like tradition or something. - The Rose Bowl.
- So, that gives us--|- Exactly three weeks to the day.
- We're gonna do this.|- All right, to the next step ! - Next step !
[ Together ] Next step !|[ Whooping ]
[ Together ] Next step !|[ Whooping ]
-** I have visions I was in them|I was looking into the mirror -**
-** To see a little bit clearer -**
-** The rottenness|and evil in me -**
-** Fingertips have memories I can't|forget the curves of your body -**
-** And when I feel|a bit naughty -**
-** I run it up|the flagpole and see -**
-** Who salutes|but no one ever does -**
-** I'm not sick|but I'm not well -**
-** I'm not sick|but I'm not well -**
-** And I'm so hot -**
-** 'Cause I'm in hell -**
-** Been around the world and found|that only stupid people are breeding -**
-** The cretins|cloning and feeding -**
- Well, did you get the flowers ?|- -** And I don't even own a TV -**
-** Hear the voices in my head|I swear to God -**
-** It sounds like|they're snoring -**
-** But if you're poor|and you're boring -**
-** The agony and the irony -**
-** They're killing me -**|Whoa !
-** I'm not sick|but I'm not well -**
-** And I'm so hot -**
-** 'Cause I'm in hell -**-**
Don't worry. You'll|get her back soon enough.
- You think so ?|- Sure, she likes you.
- Well, I like her too.|- Do you love her ?
- Well, I like her too.|- Do you love her ?
Um, you know what ?|You can't really ask me that.
Well, if you want to get|her in the sack, I mean, just tell her you love her.
- That's how I was duped.|- Look, Jessica,
I-I don't want|to dupe her.
All right.|What you need to do...
is learn how to press|a girl's buttons.
You have to give her|what she's never had.
- What's that ?|- Let me give you a hint.
[ Orgasmic Moans ]|Ohh, Kev ! Uhh. Yeah.
- ? Comprende ?|- You mean an orgasm.
- You got it, stud !|- Well, you know,
I'm-I'm pretty sure that I've...|given her a--
- No, you haven't.|- Well, there was one time--
- No.|- Oh, man.
- Look, kid, it's up to you.|The big "L" or the big "O." - Dickhead !
- You gotta see this.|- [ Vocal Group ] -** Do you believe in -**
- -** Magic in a young girl's heart -**|- -** Ooh, ooh -**
-** How the music can free her|whenever it starts -**
-** And it's magic|if the music is groovy -**
- -** It makes you feel happy -**|- What did you cocks do to him ?
- -** I'll tell you about the magic|It'll free your soul -** - -** Ooh, ooh, ooh -**
-** But it's like trying to tell|a stranger 'bout rock 'n' roll -**-**
Great.|See you next time.
- Hey, guys.|Came to watch me in action ? - Yeah.
- I-I think you sounded pretty good.|- Yeah, man.
I think you need|your balls reattached.
- Hey, keep it down, dude.|- What the fuck are you doing here ?
This place|is an untapped resource.
I mean,|check it out.
- These vocal jazz girls are hot.|- Why the hell is he joining jazz choir so late ?
- Maybe he's preparing for|another senior year at East ? - [ Chuckles ]
You guys,|we don't even know him.
You dipshit !
You're expecting|to score with some...
goody-goody|choirgirl priss ?
These chicks don't know me. I can work|the sensitive angle here, fellas !
You know, it's just like|that college chick told me.
All that you gotta do|is just ask 'em questions...
and listen to what|they have to say and shit.
I don't know, man.|That sounds like a lot of work !
- [ Knocking ]|- Uh, just a second !
Come in. Come in.
Oh, Jim, you're here.
Uh, I was just walking|by your room and uh--
And, you know, I was thinking, "Boy,|it's been a long time since we've had...
a little|father-son, uh-uh, chat."
Oh ! I almost forgot.|I, uh, I bought some magazines.
Do you just want to flip|to the center section ?
Well, this is the--|this is the, uh, female form.
And they have|focused on the breasts,
uh, which are used primarily|to, uh, feed young infants...
- and, uh-- and also, uh, in foreplay.|- Right. [ Clears Throat ]
This is, uh--|This is Hustler.
And this is a much|more exotic magazine.
Now, they have decided to focus|on the, uh, pubic region--
- Right. Uh-huh.|- The whole groin area.
Look at the expression on her face.|You see that ? See what's she's doing ?
She's kind of looking|right into your eyes saying,
"Hey, big boy.|Hey, how ya doing ?"
- You see ?|- Right.
Shaved is a magazine|I'm not too familiar with,
- but, again,|if you flip to the center... - [ Sighs ]
[ Clears Throat ]|section--
Well, you see the detail that, uh,|that they go into in this picture here.
- Uh-huh. Yeah.|- It almost looks like a tropical plant or something...
- underwater... thing.|- Yeah. Yes.
- Do you know what a clitoris is ?|- Oh, my God.
- Well, don't say, "Oh--"|- Yes, I know what a clitoris is.
Oh, you do. Oh, I see. Yes, you do.|I forgot you've been there and back.
- You know everything--|- I've learned about it in Sex Ed--
- I really don't need you|to talk about clitoris. - I'm trying to make this painless--
- You know what ?|I'm sorry. Okay ? I'm sorry. - No-no-no.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.|- I'm sorry.
I shouldn't|have got hot there.
Well, you know what|I'm going to do, Jim.
I'm going to just|leave these books here...
for you to, uh, peruse at your, uh--|at your leisure.
Wait !|[ Groans ]
Well, safer|than a tube sock.
[ Sighs ]
- Okay, that-- That was good.|- Yeah.
- See you at dinner.|- Uh, yeah. I'll see you at dinner.
So, Finch,|this is your plan ?
You know, I don't think girls are|into the whole mini-golf thing.
Kevin, I'm sure|that they're not.
Actually, there is one small matter that|I need to ask for your cooperation in.
- In the spirit of this|whole pact, you know ? - Sure, what do you need ?
Whatever you hear about me, you agree.|And tell all the boys the same thing.
Look, I gotta go.|Sixteen minutes round-trip.
You know, Finch,|it's-- it's senior year.
I mean, don't you think it's time you|learned how to take a dump at school ?
When was the last time you looked|at the facilities in this school ?
[ Murmuring ]
- [ Grunts ]|- Excuse me.
Uh, that's|Paul Finch, right ?
- Yeah.|- Well, you've seen him in the locker room, right ?
- Uh, yeah.|- So, my friends, they want to know. Is it true ?
You know,|that he's... equipped.
I have no idea. Finch showers|with his bathing suit on.
I mean, uh--
As a matter of fact, it is true.|The guy's huge !
- Does he have a date for the prom yet ?|- No, definitely not.
All right. Thanks.
Oh, man !
So I was thinking maybe you could|give me some advice, brother to brother.
I thought you might know a trick|or something to make her--
- Orgasm ?|- Yeah. - What's good here ?
- Try the spicy tuna hand roll.|- What ?
- How do you do that ?|- Hey, never mind that. Listen, pay attention.
Is that all that you're interested in,|trying to get your girl into bed ?
No, it'd be good to be able|to, you know, return the favor.
Be nice to know she enjoys|things as much as I do.
See that ? That's good. That's what|I wanted to hear. Now, you qualify.
- Qualify for what ?|- My man, you've just inherited the Bible.
It originally started|as a sex manual,
this book that some guys|brought back from Amsterdam.
And each year it got passed on to one|East student who was worthy.
Now, it's full of all sorts of stuff|that guys have added over the years.
But you have to keep it a secret|and return it at the end of the year.
All right.|So now you know. Good luck.
- -** If you believe in magic -**|- -** Ooh, magic -**
-** Don't you bother to choose if it's|jug band music or rhythm and blues -**
-** Just go and listen|It will start with a smile -**
-** That won't wipe off your face|no matter how hard you try -**
-** Your feet start tapping and you can't|seem to find how you got there -**
-** Do you believe in magic -**-**
-** Scooby-dooby doo bah scoo-scooby-dooby|dooby-dooby doo bah -**
-** Yeah, magic -**-**
What was that ?
- Uh, sorry.|- No, it was good.
Well, it, uh--|It came from the heart.
Well, keep it coming.|All right, people, good work !
Now, don't forget. The state|competition's a couple of weeks away,
so keep on it, okay ?
Not bad, Chris.
Really ?
Thanks, uh,|Heather, right ?
Yeah.|[ Chuckles ]
So, you've got this sort of|Frank Sinatra thing going on.
[ Chuckles ] Right. I feel like I've|discovered this whole new side of me.
I mean, uh,|music is so expressive.
[ Chuckles ] Okay.|I mean, I agree, but...
aren't you supposed to be out,|like, trying to decapitate someone...
-with your lacrosse stick or something ?|-Oh, sure. Sure.
You know, I know what|people think. It's like,
"Oz, he's just this|kick-ass lacrosse player."
You know, I also play football,|by the way, but that's, like,
- that's not all that I am, you know ?|- Of course, I didn't--
I mean, it really bothers me when|people try to pigeonhole me like that.
You ?
You think|I don't get that ?
God, it's like just because I don't|get drunk and barf every weekend...
that people say, "Oh, look. There's|this Goody Two-Shoes choirgirl priss."
Yeah. So, like,|what else do you do ?
Well,|the same things you do,
Like hang out|with friends and stuff.
- Why ? What do you think I do ?|- Oh, I--
I just realized that I don't|know anything about you.
- I was interested.|- Oh, well, what do you want to know ?
You know,|stuff... about you.
All right.
Mom, I'm home !
[ Chattering ]
[ Moaning ]
[ Moaning Continues ]|Oh, yeah. Oh !
[ Gasps ]
- Jim !|- It's not what it looks like.
Well, we'll just tell your|mother that, uh-- that, uh--
we ate it all.
[ Sighs ]
- [ Spectators Clamoring ]|- [ Grunts ]
- [ Whistle Blows ]|- [ Cheering ]
[ P.A. Announcer ]|Goal by number eight, Chris Ostreicher.
- Nice game.|- Nice game. Good game.
Hey, what are|you doing here ?
Just enjoying my first exhilarating|lacrosse experience.
- You kicked butt.|- Oh, thanks.
- Um, Chris--|- Oh, you can call me Oz, if you want.
- Do I have to ?|- You can call me Ostreicher.
- What's your middle name ?|- Nah, forget it.
- Come on. I won't tell anyone.|- Well, neither will I.
Okay. Um.
So, I had this thought and--
It may seem like|it's way out of left field.
I don't know if you can,|but since I'm not going with anybody, I thought that maybe--
Those guys sucked ass !
Choir chick, what the hell|are you doing here ?
Well, uh, I was|asking Chris to prom.
So, do you|want to go ?
Oh, yeah !|That would be great.
Well, just don't|expect Oz to pay for the limo !
Stifler, fuck !|I mean--
Why do you got to be so|insensitive all the time ?
What ?
Whatever. Look, uh, don't forget.|My cottage after prom.
On Lake Michigan.|[ Chuckles ]
Hey, wait up, you pussies.|Where you going ?
Ah, well, I gotta--|I gotta hit the showers now,
but I think this is gonna|be really, really good.
- Yeah. Me too.|- All right.
- Bye.|- Bye. Bye.
- 'Appending Oz !|- Working with the choir chick ?
What d'ya say, fellas ? I just dig|those cute little sweaters she wears.
- [ Laughing ]|- Nuts you do, you little horn dog.
Yeah !|Yeah, baby !
[ Stifler ] Spank me ! Spank me !|Hit that high "C."
[ Falsetto ]|-** Ahhhh -**
[ Whooping, Laughing ]
Come on !|What's going on here ?
[ Laughing, Shouting Continue ]
I was being selfish|and majorly insensitive.
I'm a-- I'm a total idiot.|I mean, a fool, a buffoon.
I think shithead|really says it.
You know what ? You're right.|I'm a shithead, and I want to make it up to you.
You know what ? You're right.|I'm a shithead, and I want to make it up to you.
Oh, yeah ? How ?
Oh, yeah ? How ?
- [ Moaning ] Oh. Oh. Oh. Ohh !|- -** Don't make me -**
- -** Over -**|- Vicky. Shh. Your parents are downstairs.
- Kevin, don't stop !|- Just a second.
-** I'm rocking steady -**
-** In demonology -**
-** Hey so that you could make it -**
[ Moans ]
- -** You're really making it -**-**|- Hon, can you tell Vic to come on down for supper ?
- [ Screams ] Holy shit !|- Shh. You know there's no lock on your door ?
- -**-** [ Humming ]|- [ Moaning ]
-**-** [ Continues ]
Ohh ! I'm coming !|I'm coming !
-**-** [ Humming ]
- Oh, Jim !|- Dad.
Hi, I was just looking|at the old family portrait out here.
Well, that was|a fun day wasn't it ?
- Oh, yeah.|- Yeah.
Jim, I want to talk|about masturbation.
Now, I just want you to know that|it's-it's a perfectly normal, uh, thing.
And I have|to admit, uh, you know.
I did a fair bit of masturbating|when I was a little younger.
- I, uh-- I used to call it|"stroking the salami." - [ Groans ]
Yeah, you know,|"pounding the ol' pud."
I never did it|with baked goods.
But you know your Uncle Mort ?|He "pinched the one-eyed snake" five, six times a day.
See, it's like, uh,|practice for the big game.
You see ?|It's like-- It's like...
banging a tennis ball|against a brick wall.
Which can be fun.|It can be fun, but it's not a game.
- Right. No.|- It's not a game.
What you want is you want|a partner to return the ball.
- Do you want a partner ?|- Yeah. Yeah-Yeah, I want a partner.
- You do want a partner ?|- Oh, I want a partner.
- Want a partner. Good. Good.|- Of course.
Good.
So, once Hal becomes king,|he has to take on...
the responsibilities of leadership|and turn his back...
on his old,|drunken friend, Falstaff.
You see, Hal is going through a...|rite of passage, much like you all are.
So make most of the time you've got|left together. You'll miss it later.
- [ Teacher Continues ]|- So, does your tongue cramp up ?
- Nah. You get kind of dizzy, though.|- Wow.
That's amazing. She's probably|gonna want to do it soon.
- [ Bell Rings ]|- All right. Class dismissed.
Still questing after the Holy Grail,|huh, guys ?
Hey, uh,|where's Finch ?
- Oh, he went home to take a shit.|- [ Chuckles ]
I don't get it.|I just don't.
How does a guy like that|get this sudden reputation ?
- What reputation ?|- Observe.
Ex-Excuse me.|Do you know who Paul Finch is ?
Yeah ! He's the guy|with the tattoo, right ?
- You know, the eagle and the|blazing fire and that stuff. - [ Chuckles ]
Well, um, if you guys see him later,|will you tell him Courtney says hi ?
Bye.
- [ Scoffs ]|- Okay. Explain.
I can't. I don't|know how he's doing it.
I, uh-- I guess that|just leaves Jim trailing.
- Aw, Jimbo !|- Better sack up, buddy !
Yeah, I know.|I'm working on it, all right ?
James ?
You are very good|in the world history class, yes ?
- Me ? Y-Yes. No, uh--|- [ Mouthing Words ]
- Yes, I am.|- Perhaps you could help me with my studies.
Uh, yeah. Absolutely.
Tha-Tha-Tha-- That would be--|That would be great sometime.
- How about tomorrow ?|- Well, I have ballet practice.
Perhaps I could come|by your house afterwards ?
I could change|clothes at your place.
Oh. Uh... yeah.
I suppose that|would be okay. Sure.
- [ Engine Off ]|- Nice car !
- I'm glad you think so.|- You don't like it ?
No, I like the car.|By the way, though, about prom ?
That was a bad idea.|I'm sorry I invited you.
- What are you talking about ?|- Please.
I asked you because I thought you might|actually be worth going with.
But you are just a jock.|No, wait. You're a jerk.
Wait !|I don't understand.
I saw you making fun of me|with your lacrosse buddies.
Heather, I wasn't|making fun of you.
Gimme a break.|You're so full of it.
Fuck me ! There's gonna be an Eastern|European chick naked in your house.
And you're not gonna|do anything about that ?
What am I gonna do, huh ?|Broadcast her over the Internet ?
- Yeah.|- You can do that ?
[ Scoffs ]|No. I cannot do that to her.
Jim, get some fucking balls.
If you don't have the guts|to photograph a naked chick, how you gonna sleep with one ?
I don't like the kid,|but he's got a point.
See, even shit-brick|knows you should do it.
All you gotta do is set up some sort of|private link or whatever on the 'Net...
and tell me the address.
You can send me|the address too.
I'll save|you a seat.
-** How sweet it is|to be loved by you, by you -**
- -** I needed the shelter|of someone's arms -** - -** Someone's arms -**
- -** There you were -**|- -** You were, oh -**
-** I needed someone|who understands my ups and downs -**
-** There you were -**-**
Okay, that was good, but|I want to thicken-up that solo.
Michigan State is this Saturday,|and I want that part to smoke.
Yeah, I know,|my timing's off.
No, it's not that. I think it'll|work better as a duet with a tenor part.
I'll do it.
- [ Whispers ] Dick.|- I'll do it.
Great.|See you tomorrow.
Hmph.
- Why are you doing this ?|- 'Cause I want to.
Yeah ? Well,|you can't fake this.
You better practice.
[ Beeping ]
- [ Knocking ]|- Come in.
Jim ? There's a, uh--|a young lady here to see you.
- Hey, Nadia.|- Hi, James. Ready to study ?
Oh, he's always ready to study.|He's a real bookworm, this kid.
- Dad.|- That means-- He's not-not one of those nerdy guys but--
- Dad !|- Well, I'll-- I'll let you two hit the books.
You want a beer ?
- [ Kevin ] Oh, there we go.|- [ Little Boy ] Come on, move !
Steve ! It's my computer !|And I wanna use it !
Shut up !
Oh, you need to--|You need to change, right ?
- Uhh, do you mind ?|- No. N-No, not at all.
Uh, please, you know.|Just go ahead and get un-- get changed.
[ Clears Throat ] I'll, uh-- I'll|go downstairs and start studying up.
- [ Chuckles ] Yeah.|- Okay.
- [ Finch ] Oh--|- [ Kevin ] All right, there he goes.
Now,|we're in business.
Now,|we're in business.
-** [ Rock ]
- Back in a sec.|- Jimmy, honey, wh--
-**-** [ Continues ]
-** He pauses shaving and he tells himself|that he is the bomb -**
-** She has her curlers set, her credit|cards are paying the funds -**
- -** He's not that old I've been told -**-**|- Ah, here she is.
- Did I miss anything ?|- No. You are just in time.
- [ Boys Groaning ] Oh. Ohh !|- [ Kevin ] This is incredible.
Oh, my God !|This is too much.
[ Finch ] Oh, did you see ?|Oh, there that goes. Oh, geez.
God bless|the Internet.
- [ Jim ] Ai-yi-yi.|- Do it. Take it off.
- Oh, my God.|- [ Together ] Ohhh !
Oh, thank you, God,|for this wonderful, wonderful day.
- She takes her vitamins.|- -** And it is way too unhealthy -**
-** Often they've typically -**-**
- [ Sighs ]|- Stop hyper ventilating.
-**-** [ Continues Indistinct ]
This is, like,|the coolest thing I've ever seen.
- I know.|- [ Both Snicker ]
Can you believe-- This is definitely|one of Stifler's best ideas ever.
[ Jim ] What is she--|She's touching my stuff.
- Why is she touching my stuff ?|- [ Finch ] Man, let her touch.
- She's going through my stuff !|- Nadia can touch anything she wants.
- Oh.|- Oh, no. Oh, no.
- No, no.|- Oh, nice collection there, Jim.
She's gonna leave.|She's definitely gonna--
She's getting comfortable.|She's not gonna leave.
[ Finch ] She reads|the articles.
[ Boys Moaning ]
Is she ?
She's going downstairs.
[ Moaning ]
- Oh, my God !|- Jackpot, baby !
- Can you believe this ?|- Nadia, I would have never known.
I have an announcement|that I would like to make.
There is a gorgeous woman...|masturbating on my bed !
- [ Finch ] Thank you, Nadia !|- If you ever had a chance with Nadia, this is it.
- [ Scoffs ] What am I|supposed to do, Kev ? - Seduce her.
Wha-- What the hell|would I say ?
Go over there and ask her|if she needs an extra hand.
- That's stupid, Kev. I can't--|- That's not stupid ! You're stupid if you don't go !
Come on !|Get over there !
- Get going, man. She's prime.|- Get out of here !
- She's waiting for you.|- Okay, all right. I'm going.
- Go !|- Go ! - I'm going !
- Go ! Go ! Go ! Go !|- Oh, shit.
-**-** [ Rock ]
-** She's open|waiting for more -**
-** And I know he's only|looking to score -**
-** And it's way too unhealthy -**
- -** Often they've typically -**|- Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.
-** Been starved|for attention before -**-**
[ Exhales Sharply ]
Oh, boy. Oh, God.|Oh, crap. Oh, no.
- [ Phone Rings ]|- Hello ?
- Looks like Jim addressed|the e-mail wrong. - What ?
It went out to every mailbox|in the East High directory.
God, how juvenile.
- -**-** [ Rock ]|- Hey, hey, hey, guys !
- -** Baby -**|- Check this out ! Oh, my God ! Wow !
Oh.|[ Laughs ]
Please, God,|let this be it.
Please ?
- [ Inhales, Exhales Deeply ]|- [ Nadia Moaning, Panting ]
- S-Somebody's going in there.|- [ Whimpering, Moaning ]
Here you go.|That's what you need to do.
- That guy's in my trig class.|- Oh, no.
-Looks like you could use an extra hand.|-Jim !
- Well-- Oh, God.|- Shame on you.
Yeah, shame on me.|I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
- Uh, you know, I'm just gonna go.|- Well,
you have seen me.
Now, it's|my turn to see you.
Strip !
- Strip ?|- Slowly.
Uh, you mean,|like, strip strip ?
For me.
[ Finch ] What is he|talking to her about ?
- Uh, no idea.|- Come on, Jim. People are viewing. Get to business.
- [ Tuning Radio ]|- -**-** [ Techno ]
Perfect !
- Move, James ! Move !|- Yeah, yeah. Move.
-**-** [ Continues ]
- Go, trig boy ! It's yer birthday !|- [ Chittering ]
- No ! No. No.|- Please, God.
- [ Disappointed Muttering ]|- What's going on ?
- Yes !|- All right. Get in the mix !
- See there.|- Oh, okay.
- This is disgusting.|- What the fuck is this ?
Cut it out, man !
Yeah.
- [ Laughing ]|- [ Laughing ]
Freak.
Did not just|take out that chair.
- Yup, he took out the chair.|- More, more, you bad boy !
Oh, yeah, I'm naughty. I'm naughty,|baby. Hyah ! [ Slapping ]
- [ Groans ] Ohh, God !|- [ Chitters, Slaps ]
-** Calling your name -**
- -** Calling your name -**|- Now,
come to me.
Oh, yeah.
- Here we go.|- He's in, man.
- -** Calling -**|- This just got a hell of a lot better.
- Be gentle.|- Okay.
- -** Calling your name -**|- Uh--
- -** Calling -**|- Oh.
-** Your name -**-**
- [ Whimpers ]|- Jim ?
- Oh ! Oh, no.|- [ Both ] Oh, no.
- [ All ] Oh. Ohh !|- Liftoff aborted.
- Houston, we have a problem.|- Oh-- Uhh--
- [ Blows Air ]|- What happened ? What did he do
He blew it.
I guess|I'll be going now.
No, no, no, I'm-- I'm not done, Nadia.|I've, uh-- I've got reserves.
Nadia, please, please.|I'm begging you.
Well, I do like|your dirty magazines.
You do ? Okay. Well. Um.|Did-Did-- Did you see this one ?
This here is your-- is your more,|uh, exotic, risque magazine.
- He's pulling out the porn.|- He's desperate.
[ Finch ] Jim, just wait|till she leaves.
Very arousing women.|They arouse me-- [ Clears Throat ]
They arouse me|very, very much.
But, uh--|But not as arousing as you.
- Oh, Jim !|- Oh, God !
[ Coos ]
- [ Together ] Yes !|- [ All Exclaiming ]
He's ruining daisy !|Whoo !
-**-** [ Continues ]
So, uh, "shaved"|is the expression ?
Holy shit.
- Holy shit !|- [ All ] Holy shit !
- H-H-Holy shit !|- Touch me, Jim.
- Here.|- [ Gasps ]
[ Groans ]|Oh. Oh.
- [ Together ] Again ?|- Not again.
- Not again, man !|- Is that possible ?
What a loser.
What a loser.
[ Bell Ringing ]
- [ Laughing ]|- [ Boy ] Hey !
[ Laughing Continues ]
[ Whooping, Taunting ]
[ Chattering ]
[ Oz ] -** I needed someone|to understand my ups and downs -**
-** There you were -**
-** With sweet love|and devotion -**
-** Deeply touching|my emotion -**
-** I just wanna stop|and thank you, baby -**-**
- Hey, minute man !|- Shut up.
You know-- You know you're|supposed to be supportive.
Hey, you think you still|got a chance with Nadia ?
No. Her sponsors here|saw the thing on the 'Net.
I-I really don't|think they liked it.
How do|you know that ?
- She's already on a plane back home.|- [ Groans ]
Yeah.
You know, guys ? Maybe I'm just|not good with girls, period.
No-no-no, really-really. Like-- Like I|was born without that part of the brain.
I mean, I can't|talk to girls.
And when I do talk|to them, I screw it up.
Yeah, well, come prom those excuses|aren't going to do you any good.
- [ Sighs ]|- [ Michelle ] And one time at band camp,
we weren't supposed|to have pillow fights,
but we had a pillow fight,|and it was so much fun.
A-And this one time, we all|lost our music and we were supposed to play this song,
but we didn't know it, so we just made|it up and we kept playing and playing,
and the conductor didn't know|what we were doing, and it was so funny.
-So, you're pissed about something, huh.|-[ Scoffs ]
You know what|I do when I'm angry ?
I just play some Bach on my flute.|It's so relaxing.
- I learned to do that at band camp.|- Hold on, uh--
You have no idea|why I'm angry ?
Is it because we have a test tomorrow ?|Sometimes I get cranky...
- when I know I have|a big test to study for. - [ Laughs ]
- Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty much it.|- I thought so...
- because this one time at band camp--|- W-What's your name ?
- Michelle.|- O-Okay.
Michelle, um--
[ Chuckles ] Do you want to be|my date for the prom ?
Really ? You seriously|want to go with me ?
Yes. Seriously.
Are we going to Steve Stifler's|party afterwards ? Because that would be so cool.
- Sure, whatever you want.|- Cool ! We're gonna have such a good time.
It'll be like this one time at band camp|when we all had a campfire--
[ Knocking At Door ]
[ Siren Wailing, Distant ]
Hi.
- How'd you know I was here ?|- Stifler told me.
- Talked to Stifler ?|- Well, I needed to find you.
We're gonna have|to work on that song.
Okay.|I'm glad you came by.
So you work nights ?
- My dad's the manager.|- Really ?
Cool. Tell him|the subs are great.
-So you're going to Michigan next year ?|-Yeah.
My parents want me to go|to Northwestern, but...
I don't wanna write all those|extra essays they make you do.
I mean, how am I supposed to|know what my "most emotionally significant moment" was ?
So when my "U" of "M" acceptance came in|December, I just said the hell with it.
- Onions ?|- What ?
You, uh, want onions ?
Oh, no, thank you.
So what are you|gonna major in ?
State's got a good business|school, and I could probably walk-on to the lacrosse team.
Well, you've probably got it|pretty figured out, then, huh ?
I mean, business is okay,|and lacrosse is awesome, but...
what am I gonna be,|a professional lacrosse player ?
I really have no idea.
Thank God.|I thought I was the only one.
Well, you're not.
So we're gonna be|close next year.
You mean East Lansing|and Ann Arbor ?
Yeah.|[ Chuckling ]
[ Stifler ] What are you|talking about ?
I can't go to the prom with you.|I'm holding out for someone else.
[ Laughing ]|You gotta be fucking kidding me.
I know it's a long shot, but I figure|Paul Finch might ask me.
Finch.|Shit-brick.
Oh, gosh.|I-I forgot.
[ Stammering ]|You look okay.
I-I mean, the scars|healed really well.
- Hey, Stifler.|- Eat shit.
What was that|all about ?
- He's still embarrassed|because Finch kicked his ass. - Who told you that ?
What do you mean,|"no comment" ?
- Did you two hook up or something ?|- What, are you kidding ? No.
Then how did all this|get started ?
Well, I guess it's all right|for me to tell you now.
That reputation of his isn't|going anywhere. Cheese, please.
Finch comes up to me|and says, "Jessica,
I need your help with this,|blah, blah, etcetera."
So I said, "All right.|Pay me 200 bucks,
and I'll tell a couple of girls|that you're dynamite in bed."
So he did,|and I did.
- That actually works ?|- Well, duh ! Of course.
Naturally, I embellished|a little bit.
Did you hear that Finch had|an affair with an older woman ?
[ Chuckling ]|No, I didn't hear that one.
That one was my favorite.
[ Laughing ]|Do that cheerleader.
- -** Thank you, baby -**|- She wants me. She calls me up--
-** How sweet it is|to be loved by you -**-**
Oh, my God,|you're gay !
Sing it with me.|You know the words.
No, thanks, man. You've been|singing that shit all week.
If you try that at M.S.U.|this Saturday, I'll kick your ass.
Our last game|is this Saturday.
[ Snickers ]|Yeah, well, shit.
I've got this lacrosse game. It's|really important. It's our last game.
Central almost beat us last time, so|this time I really wanna kick their ass.
But it's gonna be cool,|because the game's at State,
which means afterwards|I'll be able to stop by.
So you can't sing|at the competition.
[ Sighing ] Heather, I'm sorry.|I totally blew it.
It's okay. You should...|do what makes you happy.
All right. Listen,|thanks for understanding.
Yeah.
So, uh, I guess|I'll see you later ?
Mm-hmm.
[ Whistling ]
Hey, Kevin.
- You seen shit-brick lately ?|- Why ? What did you do to him ?
Me ? Nothing.
See, I'm the one|whose ass he kicked.
But, uh, I'll tell you|one thing, though.
I don't think he's gonna have a problem|shitting in school anymore.
Slipped a little something|into his mochaccino.
Oh, God !
Oh ! Oh !
[ Panting ]
Jesus.
Right this way,|sir.
Oh, God.|[ Farting ]
[ Farting ]
[ Farting ]
- [ Girls Laughing ]|- Oh, no.
It's gonna be fun.
[ Girl #2 ] You know it's just gonna be|some crappy band and stupid decorations.
[ Girl #1 ] You're just saying|that because prom's a week away and you don't have a date.
[ Girl #2 ] No, no, no.|I don't want a date.
- Finch is going stag and... so am I.|- [ Groaning ]
God, he's like so...|refined.
- [ Groans ]|- You think that older woman thing is true ?
Yeah, it's true.|It was Stifler's mom.
[ Farting ]
- [ Continues Farting ]|- Joanie, was that you ?
- Oh !|- Can't hold it.
Oh !|[ Loud Farting ]
[ Groaning ]
Eww !
[ Groaning ]
[ Whistling ]
[ Laughter ]
- Yeah !|- [ Laughter Continues ]
[ Vicky ] Kev ?|I think we've come...
- a really long way since homecoming.|- Yeah, we have.
Maybe it's time...
we start to express ourselves|in new ways.
- Yeah.|- You wanna do it ?
- Yeah.|- I love you.
It's your turn.
That's not|what I was thinking.
Sex. It's always|about sex.
It's not|always about sex.
I just thought it was|about sex this time.
Look, Vicky, love is a term|that gets thrown around,
and-and people|don't mean it.
When I say it, I want it|to be more than words.
- You know ? I want it to be--|- Perfect.
Exactly.
- [ Choir Director ] Okay, Albert.|You ready ? - No problemo.
-** I close my eyes|at night -**
Come on, Heather.|Work with me here.
[ Crowd Applauding, Cheering ]
- [ Whistle Blows ]|- [ Announcer ] Goal, Ostreicher !
- All right, Oz !|- Atta boy, Ozzie !
Whoo !|Yeah, baby !
- We're crushing you losers !|- Let's go, fellas !
Come on !|Whoo-hoo !
-** Bumblebee, bumblebee,|bumblebee, bumblebee, bumblebee -**
Focus on the music.|Think melody.
- Let the music be my guide.|- That would be a start.
Who's the man ?|Stifler !
[ Coach ]|Huddle up, guys ! Huddle up !
Huddle up !|Come on ! Okay.
All right, all right !
- Good hustle, guys.|- Good hustle.
But you can still lose. You all saw|what happened to Oz out there.
I don't want to ever see any of you|thinking you're gonna score.
You don't score|until you score.
- Until you score.|- That's right, baby !
[ Coach ] It all boils down|to today.
For you seniors,|this marks the culmination...
- of the past four years.|- Culmination.
[ Coach ] I want you to think about|what this means to you.
Do you guys wanna look back|on your days at East...
and know that you used|the time you had ?
- Hell, yeah !|- You do !
- Ah ! Good attitude, Ostreicher.|- Good luck, fellas.
Christ, I didn't tell ya|to leave the game.
I'm sorry, Coach.
You got someplace more important|to be, Ostreicher ?
Yeah.
Ostreicher !
Oz ?|Fuckface ?
[ Coach ] Ostreicher !
- Hey, Oz !|- Ozmeister !
- [ Albert ] Oh, great.|- What about the game ?
- I'm not playing.|- You're missing the game for us ?
No, I'm missing the game|for you.
- D-Does this mean I'm not|gonna get to do the duet ? - Albert, you suck.
I don't think|he's coming back.
[ Heather ] -** Close my eyes at night -**
- -** Close my eyes -**|- -** Wondering where would I be without you in my life -**
- -** Oh -**|- -** Everything I did was just a bore -**
- -** Just a bore -**|- -** Everywhere I went seems I been there before -**
[ Together ] -** But you brighten up|for me all of my days -**
- -** With a love so sweet -**|- -** In so many ways -**
-** I just wanna stop -**
- -** And thank you, baby -**|- [ All ] -** I just wanna stop -**
- -** And thank you, baby -**|- -** Thank you, baby -**
-** How sweet it is|to be loved by you -**-**
[ Audience Applauding ]
Yeah, Oz !|You fucking rule !
- Fucking rule !|- Yeah !
[ Vicky ] Maybe the words|aren't that important.
It's like, I know he|really cares about me, you know ?
Even if he can't|say it, he does.
And yeah, he always talks about sex, but|that's okay, 'cause he's a guy, right ?
- He's got a dick. He's a guy.|- Right.
Wait. Is this|translation right ?
"Go home, bird teacher.|I've had enough."
I don't know.|I got it from Kevin.
- So, does it hurt ?|- What ?
You know-- sex.|Does it hurt ?
Yeah. I mean, the first time you do it,|you know, it hurts.
But then you, you do it again|and again and again--
It just starts to feel good.|Really good.
Okay, so say|I don't do it.
And then I go off to college. I might|end up doing it with some random guy...
- who totally turns out to be a jerk.|- This is true.
And I'll wish I would've|done it with Kevin.
So go do it with Kevin.
- You think ?|- Yeah. You're-- You're ready.
- You're woman. Look at you.|You're ready for sex. - You're right.
- I know.|- I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna have sex.
- Now.|- And it's gonna be right, and it's gonna be just perfect.
- Perfect sex.|- Thanks, Jessica.
Please.
[ Whispering ]|Kevin.
Kevin.
- [ Whispering ] I wanna have sex.|- [ Loud ] Now ?
Prom.
-** As you walk up those steps|and garner your award -**
-** Try not to forget about me -**
-** 'Cause I was there when you|had no one else to hold -**
-** You used to look|just like a saint -**
-** And stumble into walls -**
-** You're a guy's|very own quarantine -**
-** You used to never|think you'd ever grow old -**-**
[ Jim's Dad ] You must be excited|about the big night tonight.
Thrilled.
Who's the lucky girl ?
Who's the lucky girl ?
Michelle.
- Michelle.|- Yeah.
- She must be very special.|- Oh, she's special, all right.
I'm sure she is special if you|picked her out of the whole bunch.
[ Clears Throat ] Jim, I'm just gonna|say one thing...
before you leave|tonight.
I want you to be very,|very careful...
when you're|putting on...
the corsage.
Okay, Dad.
- Promise me.|- I promise.
-** Midnight at the oasis -**
-** Send your camel to bed -**
-** Shadows painting our faces -**
-** Traces -**
-** Of romance in our heads -**
-** Heaven's holding a half-moon -**
-** Shining just for us -**
-** Let's slip off|to a sand dune -**
-** Real soon -**
-** And kick up a little dust -**
-** Come on|Cactus is our friend -**
-** He'll point out the way -**
You know, at band camp|we have dances like this,
only they're way funner.
-** Till the evening ends -**-**
-** Hey, hey, hey|Oooh -**
[ Kevin ] All right, status check.|Where do you guys stand ?
Finch, we know where you are,|but can't really use that as an excuse.
Jim ?
Uh, my date's a flute-toting band dork.|Does that answer your question ?
Oz, is this vocal-jazz shit|gonna pay off or what ?
Kevin, what's with|the attitude ?
Attitude ? Me ?
I think you guys should be|a little more enthusiastic.
This is the night|we've been waiting for.
We're in this together.|You guys can't back out.
Kev, you don't need us to get laid.|Are you afraid or something ?
No. Come on.|We made a pact.
You can't break that.|You guys are gonna have to--
Have to what, Kev, huh ?|I don't have to do shit.
Forget it already. I am so sick|and tired of all this bullshit pressure.
I've never even had sex, and already,|I can't stand it. I hate sex !
And I'm not gonna stand around here|busting my balls over something that,
quite frankly,|isn't that damn important.
I'm gonna go hang out|with that geek over there...
'cause at least she has something else|to talk about besides sex.
Goddamn.
Yeah.
You know, at least I learned|how to shit in school, buddy.
Hey, Finch.
- Wanna dance ?|- Yeah.
-** Oooh -**
- How come you have no date ?|- I like to keep my options open.
I got something for you.
Consider it|a consolation prize.
Jessica, this is great !|Wow !
- Felt sorta guilty
No, I spent 50 on the flask,|150 on the earrings.
- These are, uh--|- Let me just clarify...
- that you have no chance|of scoring with me, Finch. - Of course not !
So I take it you and Sherman|are pretty close, huh ?
You met at that party|a while back, right ?
Yeah, we were|up all night together.
We had one of those|amazingly deep conversations...
where you feel like|you really get to know someone.
[ Chuckling ]|Deep conversation, huh ?
Is that|what you call it ?
What else|would I call it ?
Thank you, Great Falls.
We're gonna take a little break.|You are beautiful.
[ Boy ] You suck !
[ Microphone Feedback ]
Excuse me, everyone.
Sorry to interrupt.
I just thought|you all should know this.
Chuck Sherman is a liar.
I never had sex with him.
He's never had sex with anyone.|I know this because he told me.
Once he tried to screw|a grapefruit, but that's all.
Oh. He also told me that when he gets|nervous, he sometimes wets his pants.
- Thank you for your time.|- [ Crowd Chattering, Laughing ]
[ Jim Clears Throat ]
- [ Jim ] Guess what ?|- Not interested.
Kevin. Come on, man. The bus|to Stifler's is gonna be here soon.
- I'm not going.|- [ Jim ] What ?
Why not ?
Look, things didn't really|turn out how I wanted them to.
I mean, I don't even|know what I'm doing.
I-I'm acting like I've got|everything together tonight.
I know that Vicky's gonna|ask me if I love her, and...
I don't know|what I'm gonna say.
I mean,|I'm on the brink.
I'm just about to do it.|I should be psyched.
I don't know. Maybe you're right.|Maybe I am just scared.
[ Scoffs ] Come on, Kev.|Tonight is the night.
We-We are finally going|to a post-prom party on the lake.
We have been waiting for this|for four years.
Why else have we been friends|with Stifler all this time, right ?
We were friends|with Stifler ?
Hey, look.
Sherman didn't even|get laid.
- He didn't ?|- No, he pissed himself.
- [ Laughing ]|- What ?
We'll tell you|on the bus.
I'm gonna go inside|and grab my bag.
My date too, perhaps ?
[ Jim ] Stifler's mom|got it in the divorce.
[ Michelle ] That reminds me|of this one time--
Hey, can I ask you|a question ?
How come you don't have any stories ?|I've got lots of them,
and you don't have any.
Oh, I've got stories.|Believe me. They're just, uh--
They're just a little|more risque than tales of band camp.
Are they gross or something ?|Like guy stuff ? Tell me !
Okay.|You want a story ?
Here's a story.|Stifler finds this beer--
- [ Kevin ] This is|the nicest room in the house. - Kev, it's perfect.
- [ Vicky Screams ]|- You guys are gonna fuck, aren't ya ?
Fuckers !|Fuckers, fuckers !
Fuckers,|fuckers, fuckers !
- Out.|- Aw, come on !
- Get out.|- Aw, man !
- [ Laughing ]|- [ Laughing ]
There's something|I've been meaning to tell you, Heather.
What's that ?
It's gonna sound|really bad, but, uh,
I want you to know.
You see, uh,
I'm a virgin,|and, uh--
Well, me, Kevin, Jim|and Finch were--
We all made this pact...
that we would|lose our virginity...
before high school|was over,
and tonight is supposed|to be the night that we all do it.
This isn't the best way|to proposition me.
No, that's--|That's not what I mean.
W-What I mean is, uh--
Look, do you know|what made me leave that game ?
See, Coach, he was giving us|this speech about...
not slacking off when you see|the opportunity to score--
This isn't any better,|Chris.
No, you see--|You see, Heather,
what I realized is that...
with you, it's...|not like I'm running towards a goal...
Looking for|the best way to score.
This may sound|a little corny, but...
I feel like|I've already won.
And, uh,|I care about you a lot.
Oz, I know.
- You called me Oz.|- Well, yeah.
It's what your friends|call you.
I mean, I feel like I'm|one of your friends now.
And... your girlfriend ?
-** Ain't never thought that|I could love like this -**
-** This feeling inside me|is growing -**
-** I never thought that|you would care -**-**
Are ya lost ?
You're Stifler's mom.|Uh--
No, no, not lost.|Just, um,
you know,|taking the tour.
Hey, uh, thank you for letting|us have this wonderful party.
As if there was|an alternative in the matter.
So, you enjoying yourself ?
I'm... three sheets|to the wind, ma'am.
I'm so happy for you.
But it takes the edge off,|doesn't it ?
- Where's your little date tonight ?|- No date. It was--
It was a bathroom incident.
- Pardon me ?|- Never mind.
You have|anything to drink ?
I believe the kegs|are upstairs.
That is what|the cretins drink.
I'm talking about|alcohol, liquor.
- The good stuff.|- All right.
I got some scotch.
- Single malt ?|- Aged 18 years.
The way I like it.
Why don't you go|grab a glass from the bar ?
I think I should.
Allow me.
You know it's|a bitching party.
The Stif-man|always comes through in the clutch.
[ Jim Laughs ] And then he just|puked his brains out.
- That is a nasty story.|- Yep, I told you.
Do you want to hear|a nasty story of mine ?
It's sort of sexual.
Yeah !|Yeah, let's hear it.
Okay, well, this one time at band camp,|we were playing this game.
I don't know if you know it,|but it's called "Spin the Bottle."
And I had to kiss this guy|named Mark Wander on the lips.
And-And he plays|trombone--
[ Kevin ] So how do you|want to be ?
Like... how do you|want to do it ?
I don't know.|How do you ?
Like... normal style.|The missionary position.
Okay.
Kev ?
- Yeah ?|- I wanna hear you say it.
Okay.
Victoria,
I love you.
I love you.
-** Don't stray -**
-** Don't ever go away -**
-** I should be|much too smart for this -**
-** You know it gets|the better of me -**
-** Sometimes|when you and I collide -**
- -** I fall into an ocean of you -**|- Oh. My hair.
-** Pull me out in time -**
- [ Gasps ]|- -** Don't let me drown -**
-** Let me down -**
You okay ?
Yeah. Go slow.
-** Say you'll stay -**
-** Don't come and go -**
-** Like you do -**
-** Sway my way -**
-** Yeah, I need to know -**
-** All about you -**
-** Say you'll stay -**-**
So the end of the story|is you...
had to kiss the guy|for 20 seconds.
Yes ! And he was such a dork.|Everyone laughed at me...
- but I didn't care|because it was so funny. - I get it.
And this one time at band camp,|I stuck a flute in my pussy.
Hmm.|[ Sputters ]
[ Coughs ]|Excuse me ?
What ? You don't think I know|how to get myself off ?
Hell, that's what|half of band camp is-- Sex Ed.
So are we gonna screw soon,|'cause I'm getting kinda antsy.
This'll do. Whoo-hoo !
- [ Toy Squeaks ]|- [ Grunts ] Ow !
Now, I have two rubbers.|Wear them both. It'll desensitize you.
Now, I have two rubbers.|Wear them both. It'll desensitize you.
I don't want you coming|so damn early this time.
What makes you think|that I would come early ?
Come on. I saw you on the 'Net.|Why do you think I accepted this date ?
- You're a sure thing.|- [ Scoffs ]
Yes, I am.
So I said, "This is very obviously|a Piero della Francesca."
[ Laughing ]|Hmm.
So, uh, would you object if I said|that you were quite striking ?
Mr. Finch, are you|trying to seduce me ?
- Yes, ma'am, I am.|- -** And here's to you -**
-** Mrs. Robinson -**
-** Jesus loves you more|than you will know -**
-** Whoa, whoa, whoa -**
-** Stand up tall, Mrs. Robinson -**
- Mmm, you're dead.|- -** God in heaven smiles on those who pray -**
-** Hey, hey, hey -**
- -** Hey, hey, hey -**-**|- [ Pool Balls Clacking ]
- -** Hey, hey, hey -**-**|- [ Pool Balls Clacking ]
-** Sway my way -**
-** Yeah, I need to know -**
-** All about you -**
-** And there's no cure -**
-** And no way to be sure -**
-** Why everything's|turned inside out -**
-** Instilling so much doubt -**
-** It makes me so tired -**
-** I feel so uninspired -**
-** My head is battling|with my heart -**
-** My logic has been torn apart|And now -**-**
- [ Stifler's Mom ] I had|no idea you'd be this good. - Neither did I.
[ Moaning ]|Oh, Finchy. Finch.
- Oh, Stifler's mom, whoa !|- Finchy !
[ Toy Squeaks ]
- [ Toy Squeaking ]|- Okay, let's go.
What's my name ?|Say my name, bitch !
Michelle, Michelle.
[ Jim ] Oh, God.
That was|a great night, huh ?
Yeah.
I mean, I just can't believe|we had our senior prom.
I know.|It went by so fast.
Yeah, it did.
Kevin ?
Next year with you|going to Ann Arbor...
and me going to Ithaca,
it's not gonna work,|is it ?
No.|Don't say that.
I mean,|we could make it work.
- It'll be perfect.|- No, Kevin.
-But--|-See, that's what I've been realizing...
is that...|nothing's perfect.
And you can't|plan everything.
Well, I guess... you will|be pretty far away.
And we'll be on our own,|meeting new people.
Last night, though.
I wasn't lying.
I know.
She's gone.|Wha--
Oh, my God.|She used me.
I was used.
I was used.|Cool !
What's this door locked--
Mom, where's--
- Mom ? Shit-brick ?|- [ Finch ] Hey, Stifler.
-** Do do do do do do do -**
[ Finch ] I just gotta say that women,
Like a fine wine,|only get better with age.
Of course, I have|no basis for comparison, but, uh,
it was good.
So you almost made it,|huh, Oz ?
- I'll just say that|we had a great night together. - Hang in there, buddy.
- You'll get there.|- You know, guys, I think we're falling in love.
Wha-- [ Chuckles ]|Wow.
That's great, man.|That's awesome.
Y-You know what|the coolest thing is, guys ?
This.|You know, right now.
It's true. I mean, after this,|everything's gonna be different.
After... getting laid ?
- After high school.|- Here's to the next step.
- To the next step.|- To the next step. - To the next step.
-** Do do do do do do do -**
-** Do do do do do do do -**
-** Do do do do do do do -**
-** Do do do do do do do -**-**
-** Chickety China, the Chinese|chicken, have a drumstick and your brain stops ticking -**
-** Watching X Files|with no lights on -**
-** We're dans la maison|I hope the Smoking Man's in this one -**
-** Like Harrison Ford|I'm getting frantic -**
-** Like Sting I'm tantric|Like Snickers guaranteed to satisfy -**
-** Like Sting I'm tantric|Like Snickers guaranteed to satisfy -**
-** Like Kurosawa|I make mad films -**
-** Okay, I don't make films|but if I did they'd have a samurai -**
-** Gonna get a set of better clubs,|gonna find the kind with tiny nubs -**
-** So my irons aren't always|flying off the backswing -**
-** Gonna get in tune|with Sailor Moon 'cause that cartoon -**
-** Has got the boom anima babes|that make me think the wrong thing -**
-** How can I help it if I think|you're funny when you're mad -**
-** Trying hard not to smile|though I feel bad -**
-** I'm the kinda guy|who laughs at a funeral -**
- Sweetheart ?|- -** Can't understand what I mean You soon will -**
-** It's been one week|since you looked at me -**
-** Dropped your eyes to the side|and said, I'm sorry -**-**
-** Dropped your eyes to the side|and said, I'm sorry -**-**
-** Hello to your mother|your brother significant other -**
-** I am the summertime -**
-** And I'm here|to free your mind -**
-** Kick off your shoes the blues|and use anything but your mind -**
-** 'Cause this is|the summertime -**
-** And it's here|to free your mind -**
-** How many other people|can you save today -**
-** Don't you think it's high time|that you sail away -**
-** Leave today|Don't fall behind -**
-** Try something new, turn into you|if only for a short time -**
-** I am the summertime -**
-** And I'm here|to free your mind -**-**
-** Love is tragic|Love is bold -**
-** You will always|do what you are told -**
-** Love is hard|Love is strong -**
-** You will never say|that you were wrong -**
-** I don't know|when I got bitter -**
-** Love is surely better|when it's gone -**
-** 'Cause you wanted more -**
-** More than I could give -**
-** More than I could handle -**
-** And a life that I can't live -**
-** You wanted more -**
-** More than I could bear -**
-** More than I could offer -**
-** And a love that isn't there -**
-** Love is color|Love is love -**
-** Love is never saying|you're too proud -**
-** Love is trusting|Love is honest -**
-** Love is not a hand|that holds you down -**
-** I don't know|when I got bitter -**
-** Love is surely better|when it's gone -**
-** 'Cause you wanted more -**
-** More than I could give -**
-** More than I could handle -**
-** And a life that I can't live -**
-** You wanted more -**
-** More than I could bear -**
-** More than I could offer -**
-** And a love that isn't there -**
-** I gotta pick me up|when I am down -**
-** I gotta get my feet|back on the ground -**
-** I gotta pick me up|when I am down -**
-** I don't know|when I got bitter -**
-** But love is surely better|when it's gone -**
-** 'Cause you wanted more -**
-** More than I could give -**
-** More than I could handle -**
-** And a life that I can't live -**
-** You wanted more -**-**
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Another 48 Hours
Another Heaven CD1
Another Heaven CD2
AntiTrust
Antikiller
Antwone Fisher
Any Given Sunday
Anywhere But Here
Anzio
Aoi Haru
Apartment The CD1
Apartment The CD2
Apocalypse Now - Redux
Apollo 13 CD1
Apollo 13 CD2
Apollo 13 CD3
Appartement Le 1996 CD1
Appartement Le 1996 CD2
Appleseed 2004
Appolo13
April Fools Day
Apsolutnih Sto
Arachnophobia
Aragami (2003)
Arahan 2004
Aram
Architekten Die 1990
Ariel 1988
Aristocats The
Arizona Dream CD1
Arizona Dream CD2
Arlington Road
Armageddon CD1
Armageddon CD2
Armata Brancaleone Le
Arme des ombres Le (Jean-Pierre Melville 1969) CD1
Arme des ombres Le (Jean-Pierre Melville 1969) CD2
Army in the Shadows 1969 CD1
Army in the Shadows 1969 CD2
Aro Tolbukhin En la Mente del Asesino (Agustin Villaronga 2002)
Around The World In 80 Days 2004 CD1
Around The World In 80 Days 2004 CD2
Around The World In 80 Days CD1
Around The World In 80 Days CD2
Arsene Lupin
Arsenic And Old Lace 1944
Art Of War The
Artemisia
Arven (2003) CD1
Arven (2003) CD2
As Long As My Feet Will Carry Me CD1
As Long As My Feet Will Carry Me CD2
As bodas de Deus (1998) CD1
As bodas de Deus (1998) CD2
Asambhav
Ascent The
Asphalt Jungle The
Assassins
Asterix In Britain 1986
Asterix and Obelix Mission Cleopatra 2002
Astonishing (2004)
At Close Range
At Kende Sanheden
Atlantis
Atlantis - The Lost Empire
Atlantis Milos Return 2003
Atlantis The Lost Empire
Attack
Attack The Gas Station
Au Hasard Balthazar
Audition The (1999 Japanese)
Austin Powers - International Man Of Mystery
Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged Me
Austin Powers I
Austin Powers in Goldmember
Autumn Sonata 1978
Avalon (2001)
Avanti (1972)
Avassaladoras
Avengers The
Avenging Fist The
Aventuras de Robinson Crusoe Las
Aviator The
Avventura La 1960 CD1
Avventura La 1960 CD2
Awaara CD1
Awaara CD2
Awara Paagal Deewana
Awful Truth The
Azul y Blanco
Azumi 2003 CD1
Azumi 2003 CD2