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American Pie 2

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Margaret Hamburg

- Sure you don't wanna go to my room? - No. Why?
My roommate's already moved out. We'll be all alone.
-All right. - The door is locked.
- Okay,Jim, relax. Relax. - Okay, yeah, sure.
No strings attached, okay? lt's just friendly goodbye sex.
Yeah, right. Right, right, right, right.
But you see, it's just that...
we've never even had friendly hello sex.
- So do you not wanna do this? - Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, I do. Yeah. No, I defiinitely do.
It's just that...
you see, this is actually my fiirst time.
Well, not my fiirst. It's my fiirst time...
since my fiirst time.
So, technically, that's my second time.
And I don't-- I don't wanna suck at it.
So if I'm not up to par, performance-wise--
Jim, this isn't exactly a turn-on.
I mean, girls like a guy with confiidence.
Hey, I'm confiident.
Oh, I am-- I'm absolutely, totally confiident.
- Let's get naked. - Okay.
Seems like just yesterday my dad picked me up after my fiirst year at college.
We popped a couple of beers...
and he said, ''Now, you're a man.''
And today I get to say the same thing to my son.
Honey, your speeches embarrass him.
So, try and do what the kids say, and just be cool.
I think I bring new meaning to the word ''cool,'' honey.
That's his dormitory up ahead.
Turn over.
- Can't bring alcohol in the dorms. - Good.
Thank you, Matt. I'm just here to surprise my son Jim.
- Now pin my leg up. - What?
Pin my leg up, like this.
Maybe you can help me out, you know.
Is that the one? No.
There!
Now I remember.
I didn't do this for you.
Thanks, dude.
- Where's my big guy? - Oh, my God!
-Jesus! -Jim, we got here a little early.
- Dad, get out! - I'll wait in the car.
Go, Dad! Oh, my--
-Jeez! - Was that your dad?
- I'm so sorry. - For your own edifiication...
son, I'm not embarrassed.
I am!
It's a perfectly normal thing for two human beings to do.
This is human nature-- human nature at its best.
Son, everybody does it. Your mother and I-- Well, not so much any more.
Got your favourite. Oh, my God! They're fucking!
Honey, honey, listen. I'm gonna take her--
- Please just go! - Actually, if you wouldn't mind.
Honey-- I'll take her to the car.
- Hi, Mama. - What?
Natalie!
I'm Jim's dad.
You must be the parents of this young lady.
I'm sorry I didn't get her name, but hopefully my son did...
because I have not been here the whole time.
Natalie, get dressed!
- Beer? - Avert your eyes! Turn around!
- Thanks, Jim. Don't believe in locks? - Oh, my God!
Hey, fuckface.
- Mornin', dude. - Come on, Ozzy. It's show time.
Before you go to Ann Arbor to pick up Heather...
I wanna show you what you're missing.
See what they are today, dude. See what they are today.
Okay, here we go. Moment of truth.
- There's little hearts on her panties! - Super.
There's little hearts on her panties! Come on, look, you pussy. Look.
What the fuck, man? Come on!
I'm disappointed in you.
Here it is, the end of our freshman year and you screwed one girl.
One.
You're a disgrace to men everywhere.
Look at the Stifmeister. I got laid 23 times this year...
and I'm not counting the hummer I got in the library stacks, baby.
All right, here's a new idea for you, Stifler, okay?
You fiind a girl. You two become best friends.
You don't bother counting how many times you have sex with each other.
- You laugh at the people who do count. - Here's a new idea for you.
I'll get you a spoon so you can eat my ass.
Okay, people, notebooks closed. Let's get this exam rolling.
Oh, shit! Do we got an exam today?
- Are you kiddin' me? - Bullshit.
Yes!
I'm never even gonna think about political science again.
Hey. How'd you do?
- Fine. - Yeah?
Can't believe I'm going abroad for summer. Last thing I need is more classes.
- You're gonna have a great time. - Hello, summer!
- Did that exam blow or what? - Yeah, it sucked.
- Kev, what's up, man? How are you? - Good.
Put your party hat on.
- We got 12 weeks of immortality ahead. - Yes, sir!
Weird.
The one that got away, huh, son?
Well, evidently you two...
made quite the handsome couple on the Internet.
I didn't see it.
It was brought up at a PTA meeting.
Anyway, my point is...
these little sexual debacles should not get you down...
because you know what?
It happens to the best of us.
In fact...
the fiirst time your mother and I...
got together...
I used a condom.
Well, she referred to it as ''shrink wrapping.''
But I got over it.
Anyway, keep your chin up. You keep plugging...
and good things will happen.
Good to have you home, son.
It's good to be home, Dad.
It's gonna be nice to hit Stifler's tonight after exams.
- Did you get through 'em? - There's the mystery man!
Finch, how are you?
It's Japanese.
It means ''hello.'' Hello.
- Finch, what happened to Latin? - Met a Japanese girl at the art museum.
Changed majors.
Wanted to understand the things she was moaning.
- You got laid in an art museum? - The Met.
- And the Guggenheim with Francesca. - The Guggenheim?
And then my social-psych professor in Baskin-Robbins.
All right, enough.
But I'll tell you, none of these women even compare to--
Stifler's mom.
Stifler's mom is a goddess.
How about some more of Stifmeister's collegiate concoction?
This thing is like half alcohol. You're just trying to get me drunk.
Mary, would I do that?
- My name's Christy. - Christy, right. Beautiful name.
Like it matters.
Hey, how you doing?
Howdy-howdy, fuckin' partners!
Johnny C., how's it going? Good to see you.
Looks like someone gained the freshman 15.
- This'll help. - You're an asshole.
Missed you too.
All right, everybody having a good time? Ladies?
Fellas! How's it going?
The keg's back there as always. Enjoy.
Ladies, I'm Steve Stifler and I have an 11 -inch penis...
around!
Think about it. Sherman!
Okay, Stifler, take your shot. Ha, ha.
Come on, man. I'm really happy to see you.
All right.
You stupid fuck!
- Are you Steve Stifler? - Yes, I am.
Thank you for throwing this awesome party, man.
- No problem. - The cops bust all our parties now.
Well, I put the word out so high school chicks would come.
Just 'cause you fuckers don't have dicks doesn't make it okay for you to be here.
- Hey, could I ask you a question? - Sure, son.
Is it true that Paul Finch nailed your mom?
Sons of bitches.
My mom's a saint!
The joke's on Finch!
Hey, Carlos, Jason.
What's goin' on? Keg's back on the deck.
How was Iowa State?
Did you see those fuckers I had to boot out of here?
Back at Stifler's. It's just like old times.
One difference. We're college men now.
Some of these girls are from the grade below us.
I might actually have a chance.
Hey, I remember you.
Do you now?
You're that guy who blew his load on the Internet.
Splat. ''Oh, wait, Nadia, don't go.'' Splat.
- Pathetic. - Loser.
It's exactly like old times.
- I'm gonna miss you. - I'll miss you.
I'll call you when I get in, okay?
Go have fun.
Bye.
I can't believe those two girls, Kevin.
Jim, it's not a big deal.
They toyed with my emotions.
- Hello. Hello. - See? There's other girls.
- How are you? - You got nothing to worry about, man.
Jessica's here.
With Vicky.
And Vicky got hot!
What's that supposed to mean?
Look at her.
- Yeah, Jim, I see her. - Hey, Kevin.
I'll be right back.
- Hey, Vic, how are you? - What's up?
- I'm okay. - Yeah, I'm good.
That's good.
- It's good to hear. - Yeah, you too.
Wow.
Well, this is about as comfortable as a high colonic in Tijuana.
And I would know. Okay.
- I'm gonna get a drink. - She's right.
- Why is this so weird? - Actually, I have no idea.
See, I knew it. I knew you'd be mature about this.
You know, and we could still be friends, right?
I miss you, Kev.
Whoa.
Friends, right?
Yeah, right. I mean, I know you said friends and I-- I just--
I'm sorry. I was-- It was just...
an old habit-- a friend kiss.
Are you sure?
Vic, why wouldn't I wanna be friends with you?
Look, we'll-- we'll just do this, okay?
- Friends. - Friends.
- Ozzy, my man! - There he is.
Shake off your chains of monogamy? You're a free man.
I don't think so, Stifler. I'll never turn over to the dark side.
Dumb ass. What happened to the Nova I knew in high school?
Nova, as in Casanova, the guy who had all the moves.
- He was an idiot. - Yeah, but he was my idiot.
Hey, everyone, listen up!
Nova's back, baby...
and he's taken the lock off his cock!
Ozzy, I'm lobbing you a softball.
Pull out your bat and take a swing.
Mandy.
This is my friend, Oz. All-state lacrosse two years in a row.
- Hi, Oz. - Mandy, how are you?
Listen. I have a girlfriend.
It was a pleasure meeting you.
Beer out back?
You pussy!
Stifler's mom's room.
How did you do that magic you did?
Tantra.
What the fuck are you doin' in here?
-Just relax. - You get out of my house!
-Jesus Christ! - Come back here, you little fucker!
Come back here, you son of a bitch!
Easy! That's enough.
Okay, guys, we went through this last summer, all right?
Finch got a black eye and Stifler got six stitches.
'Cause he fuckin' bit me!
You touch me, I bite.
- You two relax and shake hands. - Shake this.
I need a drink.
Why is everybody taking a piss right now?
-Line's too long. I ain't gonna make it. -You'll be okay. Relax.
Hey, bro. Hey, man, you're the guy who boned Stifler's mom.
- Hey, you are a god. - Holy shit, dude.
If I didn't have to hold my dick 'cause I gotta piss, I would shake your hand.
- I'm honoured, guys. - Don't leave.
You must teach me. How?
How?
Look what I found, Christy.
What a coincidence.
I've been saving this for a special occasion...
for a special girl, just like you.
- You're so sweet. - That's what they say.
Weird.
- Oh, my God. - I spilled some on you.
- Maybe I should mop that up. - Thanks.
No problem.
Whoa! Whoa, hey.
- Take it slow. Come on. - Right.
You know, they warn us about these situations in college.
Now, you may be intoxicated.
Oh, yeah.
Are you certain that you wish to engage in consenting--
Hey, don't count your chickens, buster.
- I'm just playing by the rules, baby. - I make the rules.
That's a pretty good fucking rule.
Dude, the line's too long. I'll never make it.
It's gotta happen now. Get my back.
- Clamp it off. - Hello.
- How are you? - Awesome.
- How are you? - I'm really good.
How 'bout I give you a little champagne?
Go downstairs and get us some beers?
I've got a surprise for you. Close your eyes and get ready.
I'm ready.
- You want a beer? - Yeah, all right.
Okay, go.
This is kind of kinky, and I like that.
That's it. Bathe the Stifmeister.
Oh, that's great!
That's great.
How did you get it so nice and warm?
I can taste the bubbles.
Actually, I can't.
Much better.
Wait a second.
- Let's go. - Thanks, man.
Christy?
Oh, fuck!
Yep. Half these got East High parking passes on them.
Gotta break up another one. Call in a couple of units.
- Isn't this the Stifler house? - Yeah. Ever seen Mrs Stifler?
- What a MILF! - Yeah? She got all that?
Okay, now...
do these high school kids think we're cool...
because they're at a college party...
or are we those weird older guys...
that try to hang out with high school kids when we come home?
No way. We're defiinitely not those guys.
Cops! Cops!
Break it up. Party's over.
Let's go.
Ostreicher, Myers.
Welcome back.
Where's Steve Stifler?
I got peed on.
No, man, Stifler's got shut down.
We can't party anywhere any more.
And things are--
- Getting weird? - Yeah, a little bit.
First summer back from college.
Yep, things are gonna get weirder.
- What are you talkin' about? - Well, times change, people change.
lt's just what happens, you know.
Kev, listen. Go into my old room.
My friends and l knew that it was up to us to stick together.
You remember my first college summer? We rented the lake house in Grand Harbor.
We treated every day out there like it was a post-prom party.
Hell of a time. We capped it all off with a massive blowout.
Best ever. lt was legendary.
My advice is do that. By the end of the summer...
you're gonna see the big picture.
-She's on the phone. It's long-distance. -Who?
- Nadia! Nadia! - What?
New York. Hello. Yes, dear, he's right here.
- Here. Wait. - Now remember--
Yes, I am sure to go see the Lion King.
Right. And don't ride the subway after midnight.
I know they've done wonderful things with that city, but, you know, for me--
- Dad! - He's right-- Hang on.
- How was college? - College was excellent.
Yeah. Yeah, it was-- it was really excellent.
You have not forgotten about me, have you?
No. I-- Absolutely not.
- l definitely didn't. - Good, because guess what.
I'm coming to see you at the end of summer.
l hope you're ready for me...
because l have not forgotten about you either, you sexy boy.
- Shit. -Jim, you can eat hot dogs tomorrow.
No, Finch, it's not the hot dogs.
Nadia called me this morning.
She's coming here at the end of the summer and she wants to see me.
- That's killer. - Yeah, that's a good thing.
No, not ''good thing.'' Not ''killer.''
I'll never be able to do it.
Nadia is gonna be expecting fiilet mignon.
Okay, and all I'm gonna be able to give her...
is rump roast.
Come on.
Jim, you've had experience since Nadia.
Ah, yes, you would be referring to...
the flute-fetish band geek that made me her bitch, then ditched me after prom.
Yes, that's great experience.
You just gotta fiind the right girl, Jimbo.
- Brings it all together. - I had the right woman.
She just sells her cottage and takes off to parts unknown.
My romantic life has passed its peak.
Take me out to the pasture and shoot me.
Super start to a super summer, fellas. Welcome home.
Guys, I got it. Pack your bags.
For what?
We're moving to the lake.
We're gonna be the shit. Everybody on the beach is gonna know us.
Plenty of opportunities to practise for Nadia.
Throw a huge party at the end of the summer to cap it all off.
Dude, that's a great idea. That way we'll be able to welcome Heather back...
and we'll be able to prepare for Nadia's big arrival.
This is it. This is my summer of love.
Just thought I'd say goodbye to you animals.
Hey, Mr Levenstein. How are you, sir?
- All packed up, I see. - We're all set, Dad.
Don't worry, okay? I'll be fiine.
Come on and give your old man a hug.
Keep it real, homies.
You too, sir. Have a good summer.
All right, let's go.
I've been running these numbers here...
and I don't think the four of us can afford this place.
- Not on summer jobs. - Well, I kinda thought of that.
So, I invited someone else.
Oh, yeah! The Stifmeister's coming back to Grand Harbor!
Deck the halls! Bye-bye, Great Falls!
Wipe my ass and lick my balls!
It's Stifler time, baby!
Stifler, if you're gonna be living with us, you gotta behave yourself.
All right, you and Finch just stay out of each other's way.
Kevin, Stifler's stench is unavoidable.
Finch, fiist yourself.
That's right, baby. We're here.
Yeah, baby, we're here!
- It's a palace. - It's a temple.
Isn't this great?
Are you kidding me?
This just won't do.
Guys.
Check this out. This is it.
Will you idiots tell me what this fucker's doin'?
Don't touch me while I'm tantric.
''Tantric?'' What the fuck is tantric?
It's a Buddhist discipline.
You learn to channel your body's energies-- your chakras.
When you can do that, you can have sex for hours, even days.
And this stuff's for real?
It's been around for centuries.
With tantra you can make an entire session of sex...
feel like one giant orgasm.
Eventually, you can sustain that feeling by meditating.
- Maybe you can teach me sometime? - Very doubtful.
- True. - Come on, Jim.
- You can't possibly be that bad. - Oh, no?
No way.
I guess there's only one person that really knows for sure, huh?
Oh, yeah? Where is she this summer?
Hey, are you here for the mid-session performance?
Guests go in the amphitheatre. You can't be here.
Do you know where I could fiind Michele Flaherty?
Guests bring food. Food attracts animals. This one time...
a bear came, and then the bear had to be destroyed...
which means they shot it in the head with a rifle and killed it and it died.
You must know Michele.
One, two, three, four.
That's a lot of flutes.
Good luck. Thanks.
Good job. Have fun at your next class.
Jim. Holy potatoes!
You're really here?
Oh, shoot!
We're not supposed to have visitors...
'cause this one time, here...
this kid had these cookies--
Let me guess. A bear came.
Cool.
It's like you know all our stories.
Was that a question?
I don't know. Maybe.
Do you wanna answer it anyway?
I left you like-- like three messages after prom.
Really?
You didn't think I was weird...
because of the way I acted that night?
Weird, no.
Surprising, yes.
I get nasty when I'm horny.
That's kind of why I'm here.
You remember, was I any good that night?
Wow.Jeez.
How could I forget?
You sucked. You didn't know what the hell you were doing.
But wasn't it fun even though you were so terrible?
- I'm sorry. ''Terrible?'' - I've had worse.
Sorry.
I could give you some pointers if you want.
Really?
Shoot. Okay, wait here. I'll meet you in an hour, okay?
- Yeah. - Wait.
Cool idea.
What are you doing?
You're all right. Here we go. You know you're not supposed to be here now.
Everyone's supposed to be in the amphitheatre. All right, come on.
It's piss-poor to be this late. I'm very angry right now.
You can tell by the tone of my voice I'm angry. I'm pissed off.
Here they are. Got him home.
Wait a minute. Are you Petey?
Yeah, sure.
Petey! Well, that explains everything.
All right. Well, always something with these kids. Go!
We are just so thrilled to have you. None of my kids are at your calibre.
But we are just so overjoyed...
to have someone with your kind of talent here.
Here you go.
Look at this. Your old best friend.
I know it's not yours...
but you are going to make beautiful music.
This is fantastic. I'm very excited.
You just own this and break a leg.
What was he doing wandering unsupervised?
Who knows?
I'll tell you something. I'm about fed up with these Tall Oaks North kids.
Kids, entertain yourselves. Play along with Petey.
No, no, no, Petey. Here we go.
All right, all right. Come on, now. A little encouragement.
Folks, he's just a little nervous.
This isn't right.
Just blow on it, kid. All right.
Here we go.
Play! Do something.
Special, my ass.
Come on. Give the little guy some support.
Come on, Petey. You're doing great, partner.
Come on, honey. You can do it.
Come on, Petey.
What the hell.
All right!
All right, Petey! Come on, now! Come on!
Rock and roll!
Thank you!
Thank you, Tall Oaks. You're beautiful.
My name is Petey!
Thank you!
And I have gigantic balls!
Not now! Come back later. Go!
Hey, hey, hey. Come back here!
- I wanna talk to you! - You are so sweet.
He is special.
He's my bitch.
Well, Michele has confiirmed it.
- I suck. - What?
I gotta get some practice.
Don't worry about it. I mean, that's why we got the house, Jimbo.
We plop a keg on the deck and the girls come in off the beach.
It's like a hummingbird feeder.
- You think so? - I know so.
Guaranteed hotties.
Fellas, nice pad.
Good view, but...
the Sherminator sensors detect no female life forms in the vicinity.
High likelihood of a sausage fest in progress.
The girls are coming. I made some calls.
The Sherminator's got a point, Kev.
Since when do you start listening to the Sherminator?
Since he made me realize there's an abundance of wiener here.
I mean, look around, dude.
All right, now it's your turn.
Come on. There's nothing to tell.
Hey, what's up? What are you guys talking about?
You know, we're just trading war stories about college--
who hooked up with who, who slept with who--
So, Vicky?
Well, there was this one guy. How 'bout you?
You know, there was a few girls--
three.
Look at you. You stud.
All right, Oz. Now that Kevin told us, what about you?
You haven't had the slightest bit of attraction to any girl at school?
Don't you fuckin' say no. I know you did.
Even if I did...
it wouldn't be anything more than just a momentary thing.
Very uninteresting.
How about you, Jessica? How many chicks did you sleep with this year?
Gee, wouldn't you like to know.
Fuck yeah, I would.
Come on, Ozzy.
Yeah, man. Ball. Pool's yours.
- Hey, Vic, you wanna play? - Yeah, sure. You wanna break?
Where are the fuckin' females?
Jim, can't you leave your shirt on? You're scaring the chicks away.
Dude, give him a break.
Ozzy, go deep.
- Yeah, bro. You playing? - No.
No, keep going. Flank pattern.
- What are you doin'? - Fishin'.
Are you okay?
- You okay? - I'm so sorry. Is everybody okay?
Amazing.
The Force is strong in that one.
Whoa.
The Sherminator detects serious heat at a distance of two metres.
Preparing to deploy beer.
Dude, let me give you a valuable piece of advice, okay?
Drop the whole ''Sherminator'' thing.
Please repeat previous statement.
Look, I know your last name is Sherman, right?
And that rhymes with The Terminator...
which was a big hit movie ten years ago.
But you can't tell me a girl's ever really gone for it.
System overload. Hasta la vista, Jessica.
Freak.
Vic, hey, you guys are leaving?
You know, we barely had a chance to hang out, you know, catch up.
- What are you doing this weekend? - I can get together.
- Cool. Let's hang out. - All right.
- Bye, Kev. - See ya, Jess.
No, no, that's all wrong.
Thank you. Have a nice day.
- So what does he mean, ''meet up''? - You know, like hang out...
grab lunch, whatever.
I told you, we're just friends now. And he totally understands.
- I'm sure he understands quite well. - He does.
Oh, no, sir. These are all wrong for you. I mean, seriously.
Sure. Well, we're friends.
But it's not like I see her making plans with anyone else.
I don't see her with a boyfriend. I think that puts me on deck.
Hey, Vicky only slept with one guy since we went out.
I mean, that like makes me 50%% of her entire guy-related life.
You dipshit.
She didn't sleep with one guy. She slept with at least three.
What?
When a girl tells you how many guys she slept with...
multiply it by three and that's the real number.
Didn't you fuckers learn anything at college?
He did not sleep with three girls, much like Sly and the Family Stone...
aren't gonna dance in here and gang-bang me...
between the afros and the bell-bottoms, okay?
It's not gonna happen.
- Kevin did not sleep with three girls. - Why would he lie to me?
It's not a lie. It's an adjustment. The rule of three.
- The rule of what? - Three.
If a guy tells you how many girls he's been with, it's not even close to that.
Take that number and divide it by three. Then you get the real total.
So, if Kevin's saying it's been three girls, it's more like one, or none.
- None? - Rule of three.
It's an exact science, consistent as gravity.
Ozzy, I'm happy for you.
At least you've seen a nice bod while Heather's off suckin' dick.
Keep your fantasies to yourself.
Dude, use your fuckin' brain.
''I'm the American college chick. La, la, la.
Your European cultural shit is so charming.
Hot Spanish guy. Love your accent.
Love your ding-dong.''
I'm tellin' you, right now there is a dick in your girlfriend's mouth.
- Knock it off. - What'd I say?
Oh, my God!
Guys, check it out.
Lesbians.
Lesbians live here.
You know, Mr Homophobic Wizard...
that it is possible for women to hold hands and not be gay.
Friends can hold hands.
Hey, Finch, I don't wanna hear about you and your boyfriends.
- Go jerk off. - Unnecessary.
Tantra teaches you to hold an orgasm over time...
in anticipation of an ultimate moment...
to release it upon the world.
I'm fiilling up to the brim.
That's fucking disgusting! I'm gonna throw up.
Hey, Heather. You're in!
How's the studying going?
I'd hardly call it studying.
I've been going to the Picasso museum...
hanging out at Sagrada Familia...
going with Pierre to the Parc Guell.
- Who's Pierre? - One of the guys in the programme.
He's got a girlfriend back in France, so we've kind of got something in common.
That sounds cool.
Yeah, I've overheard them on the phone at night.
And, well, it made me think.
Hey, Oz, l'm reaching under my shirt and l'm rubbing myself.
Oz, come on. It's phone sex. Help me out here.
Okay.
I'm going over to my bed.
And l'm lying down.
And I'm slowly...
reaching downstairs.
Grab it. Tell me how big it is.
Listen, Heather, I'm feeling kind of awkward.
If we can't be with each other, then we have to learn to be more vocal.
- Right? - Right. Okay.
Okay, here we go. I'm reaching in my pants now.
And I'm rubbing it for you, Heather.
And it feels so good.
- Yeah, me too. - Oh, yeah.
I got--
Call waiting.
Shit. Hello?
Wrong number.
Hey. Hello. Wrong number.
All right, look, man. I got my hand on my dick right now, okay...
and I'm trying to have sex with my girlfriend over the phone.
Good for you, man.
Sorry about that. Where were we?
I think you were reaching for something.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, Heather. I'm rubbing it and it feels so good.
Hey, Oz, I'm touching myself. What else do you want me to do?
Heather, baby.
Why don't you tell me my dick is as big as Stifler's.
Stifler, get off!
I am getting off just listening to the two of you guys.
- Keep going. - We should try this another time.
Yeah, all right. Bye. I love you.
- I love you. - Come on you, guys. I was almost there!
- Nice talking with you, Steven. - Stifler, man!
Repressed.
Check it out.
Potential lesbians leaving the building.
All right. Now is my chance.
I need confiirmation.
Stifler. Hey, man, what are you doing?
Go get him.
You ass. Stifler, get out.
Shit, dude! I found a dildo!
Big blue rubber dicks for everyone!
- The people demand rubber dicks! - Finch, help.
Dildo, dildo, dildo!
- What are you doing? - Looking for more lesbian artefacts.
- Where'd you get this? - Finch's ass.
Shit! Guys, they're back.
Stall 'em!
Come on. Come on!
- Come on. Come on. - This is awesome!
Danielle, Amber, hi.
Just needed the paper, huh?
- Which room? - I can't remember. I was too excited.
- I'm in a lesbian stronghold. - Was it in here?
- Why you asking me so many questions? - Was it in here?
- Maybe. - Was it or was it not here?
Happy painting, boys.
You gotta get out of there. They're inside.
Oh, shit, balls!
- Very original, Steven. - Don't call me Steven.
I can wear that little leopard bikini of mine.
I love that one. It's so cute on you.
Help me zip, please.
- Did I show you my cute pink shoes? - Does it match your pink bikini?
They're getting naked.
- Cute. - Thank you.
Shit. She's de-pantsing.
Oh, man.
Wait. They can't hear us inside? We won't cross over their radio?
No, man. These work on a CB frequency.
This girl is so hot.
Two possible lesbians in their bras and panties.
Lesbians?
Did you say lesbians?
Hot lesbians!
- Don't touch me. - I'm not.
That better not have been what I thought it was.
This is not gonna fiit. Look at you and look at me.
- Too big. - I'll get you the blue stringy number.
Johnny West is missing.
Maybe you kicked it under the bed.
Okay, let me look.
Wait. Didn't you have it when we were downstairs?
Maybe.
Guys, get the hell out of there right now.
Come on!
- It's clear! - Go, go, go!
They're coming back.
I'm just so glad I found him. He's my favourite collectible.
I know.
Guys, we got nothin' to worry about.
I just remembered, I got that dildo from the other bedroom.
Holy shit! There's a dildo in my drawer.
Oh, my God!
You could have asked me if you wanted to borrow it.
Stop it.
- What the hell was that? - I don't know. Call 9 11 .
- No 9 11 . - Don't call the police.
- My God, it's the painting kids. - I'm still calling the cops.
Okay, no, no, no. This isn't right.
- Look. Stifler did break in here. - You dick!
But we just followed him in to get him out.
I just wanted proof that you chicks are really lesbians.
You wanna mess with 'em?
Yeah, it'll be fun.
Let's do it.
You guys like that?
Ozzy, stand by for confiirmation.
That's a big 10-4 on the confiirmation.
Sounds like your little friends outside wanna play too.
You won't be needing this.
Who wants me to touch Amber?
l do, l do.
- Who the hell is that? - Who's this?
This is John... Smith.
I'm turning off my radio now.
Okay. Where should I touch Amber?
Ass, baby. Feel that ass!
That's nice.
I know. You feel his ass fiirst.
Excuse me?
Yeah, I like that. That's good.
I got some painting I should--
Jim, hold on. I can handle it.
- What? - I'm comfortable with my sexuality.
And I would love to see that show.
Bravo!
One fiinger on the cheek.
We want...
palm grasping.
That's too much. No, no, no.
You don't touch, we don't touch.
- Squeeze his ass, son. You'll like it. - Come on, boys.
-Jesus Christ. - Oh, shit.
I'm touching his ass. I'm touching his ass.
Red Leader, what's your position?
l'm touching his ass. l'm touching his ass.
Mommy!
You can go.
That really wasn't bad.
- I wanna go home. - That's too bad.
Never mind. I'm staying.
Danielle is feeling my breasts.
No way, dude!
Her breasts are so luscious.
What a wonderful Christmas gift you bought the boys.
My nipples are so hard.
I think I can fiix these.
Sweet Jesus.
Your turn.
Oh, yeah!
No, no, no.
Him.
Kiss.
Dude, no.
- Wait. What? - You want more?
We want more. Go get him, tiger.
- You're gonna love it. - Do it for us.
Okay, dude.
One, two...
three.
- That doesn't even count. - That totally counted.
- That's how you kiss your mother. - Don't you say anything!
Make it real. You do that...
we'll do anything you want.
Anything?
Anything.
- You better like it. - Promise.
I wouldn't lie.
That is what I'm talking about.
Kev, you can look.
That's it.
Where's your tongue?
Good boys.
- Very good. - Dude, you're a fucking lousy kisser.
What? I wasn't trying!
That's not fair!
I wasn't trying there!
No judgment.
Wait a second. You were trying?
- Fuck no! - You were trying!
- I kissed Jim! - Silence!
- Ladies. - Yes?
As you were.
- Here we go. - Let's do it.
Them girls sound like the two transvestites we picked up in Biloxi.
- Honey, come on. Food's ready. - I'm not hungry!
I can't believe this. Okay, just do it.
- Oh, God. - It was worth it.
Hello.
Okay, I think that's enough now.
- I want more. - Hell, yeah. I want more too, baby.
We're gonna get more physical as soon as we get some--
- Hand jobs. - Okay!
Hand jobs.
You do him. We love to watch.
I'm sorry?
- You go. - We go.
Don't be a wimp.
Okay. It's okay.
I know what I have to do.
I need to keep this party goin'.
I'm takin' one for the team.
Mother of God!
Come on, you pussies! We had 'em!
- I am not touching that. - Put that thing away, Stifler.
Why can't you guys be team players, huh?
I was the one doin' all the sacrifiicin'.
And now for our devoted listeners, back to the show.
Let me try that dildo.
Now, wait just a minute.
Stifler wanted to give you two hand jobs?
No. Stifler wanted one from us.
What? Bullshit.
He did. And it was horrible.
Very horrible.
You guys, you wanna play some ''asshole''?
Just watching the game, Kev.
I just wanna do something together.
We just did something together. Very together.
Ho, ho, ho. Stifler Claus is here.
Now, just so there's no confusion...
Santa Porn has just brought us some heterosexual entertainment.
Here you go.
All right. Here.
And the Stifmeister's provided us some complimentary lubricant.
Whack away, Jim.
Does this stuff really make a difference?
- Oh, yeah! - Really?
Stifmeister's palace of love--
straight love.
Oh, hey. Yeah, I'm fiine.
- How about you? - That's Stifler's mom.
Silence.
I didn't really think you were gonna be in Michigan this summer.
Yeah, you're more than welcome to be here.
Okay, stop by in a couple of weeks. We're having a big party.
Okay, bye.
Stifler, was that--
She's coming.
Stifler's mom is coming here.
Efforts must be doubled.
''Efforts must be doubled.''
Absolutely.
Jenny, where'd you put my clarinet?
- I think I shoved it in your box. - Thanks.
Bad man. I'm a bad, bad man.
Jim, what are you doing here?
Well, I thought you had said--
You can't just stand out here.
Look, l need your help.
Nadia's coming back and I don't--
I don't wanna be this awkward...
bumbling, nervous guy with her.
I don't wanna seem like a dork.
Well, I know that feeling.
Spend your life playing in the band...
it doesn't exactly give you the ultra-cool hipster image.
- I think you're pretty cool. - Seriously?
Michele, why did you ditch me after prom?
I didn't ditch you. I just--
Our date was over.
I mean, did you want some...
funky, weird, next-morning goodbye?
It's not like I wanted you to pretend you were in love with me or something.
Why would I pretend that?
Guys do that.
Yeah, well, I'm not like other guys.
I know.
Okay, I'm gonna help you.
Really?
Yeah, I feel bad for saying that you sucked...
even though you kind of did.
Let's just get started.
- Now, I'm a hot girl. - Right.
- Okay, what do you wanna do? - I wanna feel your boobs.
No, you dingbat.
You don't just go groping away.
You gotta preheat the oven before you stick in the turkey.
Kiss me, here.
Good. Okay, now...
the collarbone-- kiss.
Good, Jim.
You're making me wet.
Holy shit. Really?
No, I was just saying that so you could practise.
Of course.
Does direction matter, like clockwise, counterclockwise?
Okay, Jim, this is what I'm talking about.
Your main problem is you're so uptight.
Do I seem uptight about my sexual stuff? No.
The biggest pointer I could give you is...
you have to feel comfortable in any situation.
Stand up.
Stand up.
- Now, this is a fucked-up situation. - What happened to preheating?
- We're skipping a few chapters. - Oh, okay.
This is good. This is good. Obviously.
- Gilligan's lsland, Mr Howell. - What?
You've got to control yourself and think of something nonsexual.
I haven't even touched you yet, and you're turning into the Sears Tower.
I'm sorry. Yeah, nonsexual.
Right, right. Okay.
- Chairs. - Good.
Mastodons.
Cleaning my bathroom.
Dung beetles.
Okay. Now, don't freak out.
I'm gonna do something to push your threshold.
Oh, that's cold! What are you doing?
I just shoved a trumpet in your ass. Aren't instruments fun?
Okay, I think you've just crossed my threshold.
Call me in two weeks. I'll be home then. We can fiinish lessons.
Pointer-- less tongue.
- What is it? A guest book? - Yeah, and look at this entry.
''Best thing was the blowout at Tom Myers' place.
- There he is. - A night not soon to be forgotten.
August '93.'' It's your brother, man. Look.
Yeah, his cottage was right down on the beach.
Guys, this is what our party's gotta be.
- Something we'll always remember. - Yes, defiinitely.
Absolutely.
- You go fiish. - Finch, we're playing gin.
Gin.
What the fuck?
''Dear Jim.
Chicago is beautiful, but it would be better if you were here.
I'm counting the days. Love, Nadia.''
Well, I wish you were here, Nadia.
- Have you been dirty? - Oh, yes, baby. l've been dirty.
Do you want me to clean you?
''Apply a few drops to achieve desired lubrication.''
All right.
ls that a loofah, or are you just glad to see me?
What the hell.
Shit.
God!
I been missin' out.
Oh, shit!
Shit!
- Everybody okay? - I'm fiine.
I'm fiine. Everything's fiine.
Shut the fuck up or I'll break down this door and pummel your ass!
No, don't come in here. I'm fiine. I just fell out of the bed.
- You sure? - Okay, good night, then.
- 'Night. - We'll see you in the morning.
Oh, shit!
- Poison control. - Hello?
Yeah, I kind of...
Super Glued myself...
to myself.
No, no!
Don't send an ambulance.
Look, is there anything, you know, around the house?
Paint thinner.
Shit.
Don't move! Stay where you are!
Hands where we can see 'em!
Both hands! Get the other hand up, God damn it!
I can't! I can't! I'm glued!
I'm glued!
Sorry.
Relax your hands.
I'll take it from here, okay?
Don't worry, Jimbo. You're gonna be fiine, buddy.
Jim, this happens to the best of us.
Left foot fiirst. Easy does it. Good.
- Watch your head. - All right. Take a seat.
Excuse me, sir. Are you a family member?
Fuck, no! This is just too good to miss!
Okay, sir, you're just gonna have to wait here. All right?
This summer's turned out to be great.
Mucilage is dangerous territory...
and I would think any adhesive product...
would have a warning right on the tube.
I thought it was a lubricant.
I was trying to use lubricant.
Son, couldn't you have left that disgusting thing at home?
Excuse me?
Well, that kind of material is offensive to me.
Oh, well, we're sorry.
But, you see, my son couldn't leave it at home...
because he's having a bit of a medical emergency.
Thanks, Dad.
Your opinion of his taste in video rentals, I'm afraid...
is not a priority, lady.
It's at the bottom of the totem pole.
Thank you. Okay?
My son...
is sitting here right now...
with his hand glued to his penis!
But that doesn't mean anything to you, does it?
Because you don't have a penis!
- Or maybe you do! - Dad!
Sorry. I'm sorry.
You know, it just bugs me when people speak before they think.
You know, they speak.
- How you doin', son? - I've been better.
Boy, that doesn't look too bad, Jim.
Good job, Doctor.
The swelling should subside in about eight or nine days.
Eight or nine--
Beach party's in a week. Nadia's coming.
Doctor, my son has a party in seven days...
and there's a young lady coming...
that he's been waiting to--
he's been waiting to get with.
I'd tell your son to keep his pants on during that party.
Oh, yes. Believe me, I will be doing that. It goes without saying.
But if his pants...
decide to come off during the party...
could he have full use of his...
penis?
Okay.
This should shave a couple of days off.
Oh, good.
Thank you, Doctor.
Jim...
that's good news.
This has been a good-news day, son. Here. Put this on.
Little chilly out there.
Well, here we are.
You know, Jim...
I think we should keep your mother in the dark about the incident tonight.
I think the whole glue thing might get her a little queasy.
I don't know how I get myself into these things.
But thanks for understanding.
You've been really cool.
I mean, between this and...
you know--
You know, you may be Jimbo or Jumbo...
or Jimbodinny to these guys in here, but...
I want you to know there are two people...
who still remember where James Emanuel Levenstein came from.
We're awful proud of you, son.
Thanks, Dad.
Don't forget your penis cream.
That was it.
Right there. That was a pure tantric moment.
The fiicus, the water-- it was all erotic.
One more stimulant, I would have had full release.
Finch, stay the fuck away from that fiicus.
That's a jizz-free fiicus.
There he is. Morning, Jimbo. How's the twig and giggleberries, man?
Oh, very colourful. My dick looks like a paint-by-numbers.
You're the only guy I know whose dick needs an instruction manual.
Casa de Stifler.
You're here now? No, that's cool.
You know, if you want to hang out with these guys.
Okay, then. I'll meet you out front.
- Hey, Stifler, was that-- - Eat shit, Shitbreak.
She's here.
My lady has arrived.
- I gotta prepare. - Here we go.
- Great. Stifler's mom is here? - This could be a disaster.
Not unless Stifler's mom drives a moped.
Moped?
Fuckers, fuckers, fuckers. How you doin', boys?
- That's Stifler's little brother. - What are you doing here?
Pussy, man. I'm here for the pussy.
Take a number.
Gentlemen, why all the noise? Everybody knows this is my special day.
- What is that? - Is that a fuckin' dress?
- Are you wearing a dress? - Shitbreak, meet my little brother.
Little brother, meet Shitbreak.
- That's your brother? - Yes.
My lady's not coming.
So my entire stockpile is wasted...
and I look ridiculous!
Excuse me.
- That didn't look too good. - No.
- Let's go fiind your room. - So, where are the fuckin' females?
I can't believe I fiinally got you alone.
That only took, what, six weeks?
So, are you alone too?
- Yep. - Good.
I'm all alone.
Guess what I had in mind?
Hey, Marco, can you get your balls off me?
- What the hell's going on over there? - Nothing.
It's just my flatmates.
I guess this is kind of a lost cause, huh?
- Yeah, I guess so. - See ya this weekend?
- I can't wait. - I can't wait either.
Bye-bye.
- Surprise! - Holy-- Nadia!
You're here? You're here. What are you doing here?
Jim, I got so tired of sightseeing.
But you're-- you're early.
Okay. Nice to know you.
- I will leave. - No!
No. Don't-- Don't leave.
Don't leave. No leaving.
It's just, I'm not gonna be ready--
I mean, the party won't be ready until Saturday.
I can stay here until then?
Yeah.
I'm gonna be right back. Is that okay?
- Okay. - Nadia...
who's in my room. Now. Holy shit.
All right, l've got a plan.
Okay. How about I come back with you...
and you say...
''Hello, this is Michele, my girlfriend.''
And obviously, Nadia won't expect you to hop in the sack.
And then we break up the day of the party.
And you're all healed and back on the market.
- You're evil. - No way!
I'm like Cupid.
And I know how to make a girl jealous.
This is gonna be fun.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner...
but we just started seeing each other a few weeks ago.
But I'd really love it if you stayed here.
I think you should stay and have fun at the party.
Good for you, Jim. Of course I will stay.
That's great-- That's my nipples!
She just loves my nipples.
- Oh, my God. - You still broken?
No.
I'm fiine.
I might have to actually go through with this.
What's the big deal with Nadia, anyway?
I mean, okay...
so she's 50,000 times hotter than most girls...
but come on, it's just sex.
Oh, no.
You saw the thing on the Internet.
Did it look like I might have had...
a slight interest in Nadia then?
Add another year to that.
Okay.
Hey, why don't you bring Nadia to the concert fiirst?
It'll be a cool date.
We'll see how things go.
Michele, you have been great.
Thank you.
Anytime.
Come on.
You ready to break up?
You big, stupid dummy!
Theatre is so cool!
I don't care if you are the best lay I've ever had in my life.
- I hate your guts anyway. - Don't say that.
And I don't care if you did give me ten orgasms in a row...
because you smell really bad.
I smell really bad!
Because we've been having so much sex, and--
and I haven't showered, and I wanna shower!
So, don't you go being all super sexy guy any more...
because I am now impervious...
to your unrelenting machismo and sexual ardour.
And that includes fucking me in the ass! So there!
We had something special.
Vicki. Hey.
I'm so glad you came. You want something to drink or--
Can I help you?
- Kevin. - What?
That's my date.
You saved them all.
How sweet.
You don't think I'm a dork?
Whatever you are, Jim, it is what I like.
Kevin left. Didn't look good.
Kevin left?
Just wandered down the beach.
You okay, Kev?
Wanna tell us what's up?
Wanna feel Finch's ass?
No, I went to say hi to Vicky...
and she was there with a date.
You hooked up with three girls this year. You're doing fiine.
Rule of three, Oz.
I guess I was living in the past-- wanting to party with you guys...
and be with Vicky, just like high school.
You remember that day after prom?
You know, we made a toast to the next step.
I guess I never took it.
My brother said that by the end of the summer I'd see the big picture.
And I see it.
No matter what, times change and things are different.
The problem is, I don't want them to be.
You know, Kevin, I haven't moved on either.
I've been obsessed with the one woman...
I can't have a real future with...
other than a very kinky, extremely warped one.
I got to fiind a new goddess.
It's gonna take patience, but I've been celibate all summer.
- You kinda get used to it, though, huh? - Are you insane?
Look, Kev, different does not necessarily mean worse.
As a matter of fact, I think things are just getting better.
Or am I gonna have to drag your ass back to that party and prove it to you?
I'll walk.
You know, you have beautiful eyes.
- Oh, you're sweet. - That's a really nice top.
- Oh. Thanks. - You're welcome.
- Wanna fuck? - Are you serious?
Come on, baby. Give it to the Stifmeister.
- I think you better-- - Your loss.
Wow. You know, you have beautiful eyes.
Come here, dude. You're making an ass out of yourself.
You're ruining my mojo. And you're not the Stifmeister, okay?
It takes years to develop true Stifmeister style.
Come on, man! I just wanna see some boobs.
- Hey, Pop Tart. - Dream on, midget.
Excuse him. Come here. Take this. You're on cop watch.
Go out in the driveway. See any cops, call me, okay?
All right.
Gentlemen, this appears to be a party.
Guys, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go look for Nadia.
Good luck.
So what was this year like for you?
Did you miss high school?
Well, no.
When you travel as much as I do, you get used to moving on.
But I have great memories.
- Wow, can we go in there? - The lighthouse?
Yes.
Yes, we can.
How romantic.
Jim, come on.
It's beautiful!
Cool!
Jim, I have told you my memories from high school.
What are yours?
You.
You have not changed.
Jim, relax.
We are just, how do you say, tooting our horns.
Actually, that is quite diffiicult.
What do you mean?
Well, this one time at band camp--
Holy shit!
What? Tell me.
Well, this one time at band camp...
I got stuck playing this trombone.
And I can't play anything at all. So I totally sucked.
And everyone thought I was this Petey guy...
but I didn't know what to think, so I just kept playing and playing...
and I didn't know what I was doing.
It was so funny!
- I gotta go. - What? Why?
Please don't take this the wrong way...
but you're--
you're everything that I used to want.
And as much as I may really...
really regret what I'm about to do...
there's somebody else I want to be with.
You want the band geek?
Nadia...
I am a band geek.
I just never joined the band.
You go get your geek.
Someday I will fiind mine.
Hey. Kevin Myers.
Hi. Sorry I was a dick before.
It's okay, man. My name's Brett.
- Can you give us a sec? - Sure.
Look, you don't have to do this.
Maybe I was being selfiish...
in wanting to be your friend.
Maybe it's just not gonna work.
I would much rather have you as a friend than not have you in my life at all.
Party on!
- From the lighthouse all the way-- - Hey, handsome.
What are you doing here?
I was gonna pick you up at the airport in two hours.
I took an earlier flight, and I thought I'd surprise you.
- Yeah, you did. - Kinda weird without the phone, huh?
We'll get used to it.
Come on. I wanna hear all about it. We'll grab you a drink.
Steve, this cop-watch thing is horseshit.
Hello?
Man, this sucks.
Who is it out there?
It's the Stifmeister, baby.
ls that so?
Life's a bitch, isn't it?
It's all right. You don't have to say anything.
I'm used to girls ignoring me.
Or making fun of me.
''Come on, Sherman. Be the Sherminator.''
Like the movie. How clever.
I get it, okay?
Maybe I am a geek.
Whatever.
Yes! Yes, you are!
All right.
I am the Sherminator.
A sophisticated sex robot sent back through time...
to change the future for one lucky lady.
I am lucky lady?
That's right, Nadia.
You've been targeted for Shermination.
Come with me if you want to live.
Help!
- Fuck me, geek! - Affiirmative!
No fuckin' way!
- Forget it. - Like you have a chance.
Cheers, bud.
Hey, Steve, look what I found.
- Dude, don't touch the shirt. -Just look.
- Hi. - Hey, there.
Brilliant. You found lesbians.
Good luck trying to break through that force fiield.
- Lesbians? - We never said that.
- What? - We never said that.
Oh, man.
I will do anything-- anything-- to sleep with you chicks.
Okay? I'll grab every guy's ass in this room.
I'll caress it, even. I'll shave some ass if they need it.
Oh, yeah. You heard me.
It's true. I'll kiss everybody here. Dudes, chicks, everybody.
Because I am comfortable with my sexuality.
Oh, yeah.
At least have a drink with the Stifmeister.
- All right. - That's fair.
All right.
You truly are a Stifmeister.
- Welcome back to the party. - Steve, those are my lesbians.
- Ladies, I am down with the funky shit. - Like what?
One time at this party, I was drinking champagne--
Thank you. Thank you.
Our next soloist will be Michele Flaherty.
Petey?
This kid is killing me.
- You suck, retard. - I'm not retarded.
I'm a very special boy.
How's this for a band camp story?
Come on, guys. Let's hear it for Petey!
That untalented bastard.
- Good for them. - It's awesome.
- Wanna dance? - Yeah.
We'll be back. Come on now, baby.
You know, there's only one word for that party.
- Bitchin'. - Out of control.
Am I gonna have a hangover? 'Cause I want one.
Later.
- Good-bye. - See ya.
- Let's go to our page. - We have to write about this party.
This party was crazy! Look at my date! He's passed out!
- You drank him under the table. - He couldn't hack it.
- Best summer ever, huh, fellas? - Absolutely.
- Sorry things didn't work out for you. - You kiddin'? Things are great.
I have all the time in the world.
So, are we gonna do this every summer?
- Hell, yeah, we are. - Of course we are, gentlemen.
Well, we're gonna try.
- That's a sweet car. - It is sweet.
- Stifler's mom. - Hey, Finchy.
How did you know I was here?
I called a couple of weeks ago.
Didn't Steven tell you that I was gonna drop by sometime?
I guess it slipped his mind.
What's your name?
Jeanine.
Okay, well...
I've been thinking, and, you know, I'm 19 years old.
There's a whole world out there. I can't be obsessed with one woman.
-Just can't be. - I'm glad you're learning, Finchy.
Good.
- You want to get it on? - You better clear your schedule.
See you guys later.
Where are you goin', man? What about Dog Years?
Give me, like, three days.
Wait, was that who I think--
- No. - Yeah!
- I think it was. - I think so too.
Who the hell was that?
That was--
That was-- Someone was lost.
- Lookin' for the lake. - Yeah, all turned around.
What a dumb ass. The lake's right there.
Incredible. How does Finch get so lucky?
What are you worried about? You got a girlfriend now.
Everything in. Let's go. Pony up. Dog Years awaits.
Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do.
- I have a girlfriend now. - Yeah, you do.
- She's my girlfriend. - All right, Jimbo.
Let's go! Let's go!
- Where's Shitbreak? - The movies.
- Took the bus. - Coffee.
Wait a second.
Who the fuck was in that car?
Oh, Finchy, I missed you.
Oh, Jeanine.Jeanine.
Call me Stifler's mom.
Oh, Stifler's mom!
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