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American Wedding (Unrated)

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Well, Michelle, we did it. Happy graduation.
You know, living at my parents' house,
th-that's, um... that's a temporary thing.
Uh, we've been going out for, what, three years.
You're not, like, getting bored with things, are you?
Michelle, l... I'm gonna ask you something that I've never asked you before.
Is it kinky? I don't think so. No.
You don't have to be embarrassed if you want to add more spiciness to our relationship.
Actually, um,
maybe you could just, uh, you know,
use your napkin.
My napkin? Mr. Levenstein.
Yes. You have a phone call.
Excuse me. Thank you.
- Hello. - Jim, it's Dad. Uh, you left the ring at home.
The box is empty. But-But I'm on my way,
and I've got the...
I've got the ring, so don't panic, son. Okay?
Bye-bye.
Who was that?
Uh, that was my dad.
That was, uh, my dad. That was, uh... He couldn't get through on...
I didn't answer my cell. So he was, uh,
getting all, uh... was getting all worried.
You know how he is. But everything is, uh... everything is okay now.
Everything is, uh... Everything is perfectly fine.
I think I know what you're gonna ask me.
And it's okay. L... I don't have to use my napkin.
- Wha... - I've got my own techniques.
Michelle, where... where are you going?
Michelle? Hey. Hey.
Okay.
Okay, Michelle. Michelle.
Okay. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Michelle.
Psst!
Michelle, I think you need to stop. Okay, keep going.
Oh, my God. Michelle. Michelle.
Michelle! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Okay.
Well, I made it. Where's Michelle? The washroom?
You know, I was so nervous she was gonna spot me. Here's the ring, son.
Ohh. Let me tell you something.
This is some ring. Look at the rock on this baby.
Mr. Big Spender. Hope you didn't blow your wad on this, son.
Not yet. Your mother and I...
could not be more thrilled for you, Jim.
I mean, we're so happy. And I know you're excited. I can see it in your face.
- I mean, you look like you're ready to burst. - Uh-huh.
I mean, your cheeks, they're flush. I wish your mother could be here.
Not me. That's what I wish. You know, this is...
this is one of those moments, Jim,
that you're gonna remember for the rest of your life.
- Yes, it is. - You bet it is.
You bet it is.
I cannot believe my son is gonna pop the question.
- What was that?
Th-That?
That? Knockin' on wood.
And what is this, uh, popping... popping what? What question?
You are... Oh, you're a wreck. What...
You need some air. You need some air.
- Walk me to my car. - No, I'm not walking you...
- Listen to me. This is for your own good.
Oh!
Your penis!
Watch your penis. I got it.
Your pants. I got the pants!
I got the pants! Please!
Everybody, please. Everybody just calm down here.
Everybody, just quiet! Lower your voice.
It's disgusting!
Now,
I came here to do something...
And, damn it, I'm... I'm gonna do it.
Michelle.
Hello, dear.
Michelle Anabeth Flaherty,
I love you...
more than I could...
ever explain at this particular moment.
Dad. The ring.
Oh.
Will you marry me? Yes.
My son.
I'm the happiest man in the world.
We should all be so happy.
Cheers, gentlemen, sweetheart.
I'm impressed.
Marriage is a binding,
unifying, eternal,
never-ending, permanent...
chaining together of two people.
Jim, have you thought this through?
Yes. Yes, Finch. Thank you.
I had actually been trying to figure it out for a while.
You know, when is the right time? Is there a right time?
And finally I realized, duh, you love the girl, marry her.
Aw.
Oh! Let's dance. Dance?
No. No, you have to learn sometime.
Come on!
Don't laugh at me.
Okay, okay.
I'm just glad that's not me.
Finch, you don't think there's one girl you're destined to spend your entire life with?
They're all for me, Kevin.
Not, uh... Not so bad, huh? All right.
Do this.
I'm sorry.
Well, the wedding should be rather entertaining.
Bro, that's it?
There's no keg anywhere.
Jim. Hey, John.
The food and the drink are really bad.
"F" for presentation.
The good news for you... What's that?
We're gonna be ushers at the wedding.
This is amazing.
I don't recognize half the people in this place.
At least they all brought gifts.
Hello. Hello. I'm Mary Flaherty.
Oh, hello. Harold Flaherty.
Please, please come in. Lovely to meet you.
We've been expecting you. How was your trip?
- Delightful. - Who's excited about the wedding?
Anxious might be more accurate.
Oh, w-w-we've never met your son.
You'll get to meet him.
Rudy and Sam would like to meet him too. Oh, yes.
Better bring them in from the car. They've been cooped up.
Oh, for heaven sakes. You brought your sons?
Our dogs. We never travel without them.
Oh, my goodness. Well, honey,
why don't you go get those critters out of the car and we'll start on some cocktails?
Ah, thank you. Right. I'll, uh, get the dogs.
There's one thing that'll make this wedding perfect.
No Stifler.
Well, that's one dick we are not inviting.
- Motion seconded. - Motion carried.
So, Finch, what are you gonna do with that fancy NYU diploma?
I'll frame it. Then I'll write my memoirs.
Well, you should come to law school, man. You know I could use the company.
Kids, Michelle's parents are here. Come on. We're waiting.
Oh, crumbs on the shirt. That's bad. Okay. That's fine.
I'll change. I'll change.
Fuckers.
Well, polish my nuts and serve me a milk shake.
What's up?
That's right.
Oh, cake, huh? Hope it's good.
Oh, gee. Thanks for inviting me to the graduation party, fucker.
Oh. Fuckin' right, doggy! That's good cake!
Holy shit!
Hi. How are you? Congratulations.
Hey.
Congratulation, jism.
Excuse me. Stifler.
Hey, Jim. Stifler.
- What are you doing here? - Happy fuck day, ass mouth.
Put the cake down. Check it out. I made it myself.
That's very cute. What happened to my invite? Got lost in the mail, fuckface?
I don't want to discuss this. Quiet! Oh, quiet yourself.
I think I can spell... Seriously, man. Seriously...
Jesus! Damn it, Stifler.
Jim, look what you did. Look what I did?
Look at this shit. What am I supposed to do now?
Are you happy now, man? Why are you here?
My dick looks like a corn dog. I got cake all over my balls.
Jim, honey. Shit.
The Flaherty’s are waiting. You think he's upstairs, honey?
Oh, you're fucked now, Jim.
Stifler, get up.
This dog's great! Is it weird that it feels good?
All right.
What about the dining room? I know you'll just love him.
- Jesus, Stifler. - Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Stop enjoying it so much. - Lick it off!
Whoo-hoo-hoo.!
Son of a... You little shit.
- You gotta take your pants off, man.
- Jim. - No, it's not what it looks like.
- What are you doing, son? Jim. - My dogs!
Don't go in there. Lord knows what they'll do to you. I love this dog!
- I-I-I was just trying to get him off, Dad. - That is your son?
Back away from the animal.
Hey, great party. Uh, Mr. And Mrs. Flaherty, I presume.
Hey, where are you going?
Well, uh, lunch is, uh, served.
L-I really hope that, uh... that-that we can just...
that we can all just forget about this and-and-and move on...
and start again... start again fresh.
Jim, if you hope to be the provider and protector for our firstborn daughter,
you have a long way to go.
Thank you, sir.
They think you're an angel...
and-and I'm... I'm just some ungrateful dog-rapist.
They just think they raised a proper, little band girl.
And-And besides, sometimes it's... it's nice to be a little more traditional.
How so? How-How do you mean traditional? I'm thinking about the wedding.
Well, it's just this one day.
One day where-where everyone's eyes are on me for a change.
I've just never walked into a room and...
and had everyone go, "Ooh," and, "Ahh,"
and, "Isn't she elegant?"
That is exactly how our wedding is going to be.
I promise.
Shit, I've got a frosted ass crack. Hey, Finch,
you want this for here or to go?
"A witty saying proves nothing." Voltaire.
"Suck my dick." Ron Jeremy.
Oh, boys. Anybody seen the bride's parents?
No? Hmm.
Wait a second.
Wait a second. Come on, Stifler.
This isn't a graduation party. Time to go.
Wait. Hold on. Jim's getting married, isn't he?
Holy fuckin' shit! This is major!
Do you have the slightest idea of how important this is? We get to have a bachelor party.
Yes! We celebrate the death of Jim with a party in his honor.
Chicks and boobs. Tits and ass.
Titties, ta-tas, casabas, bazoongas all up in our friggin' faces!
Buck up, fellas. Show some enthusiasm.
It's gonna be fuckin' great. Oh, my God!
Finch, he-he does make a good point.
Yeah, he does.
You never heard me say that.
I do not deserve a girl this cool.
Michelle said the wedding was doable, right?
A wedding. A wedding, yeah.
You know, I promised her her wedding... you know, the wedding of her dreams.
Okay. What's the problem?
Dancing. Uh, she wants... she's gonna want to dance.
You know, there's that whole tradition: The first dance at the reception.
She's gonna wanna dance Fred Astaire kind of shit.
I can't do that. I can't... She learned all that from band camp.
Okay, so you take lessons, you know, right away.
Lessons. Okay. I have to convince her parents that I'm not a shithead.
Challenging. Indeed, challenging.
But doable. What else?
What else? I don't know what else.
That's the thing. She cares too much to tell me.
She doesn't want me to worry that she might be worried.
So I'm worried.
Recon.
You mean, like-like spying on, uh... like spying on Michelle?
Spying is deceitful.
Extra attention means you're concerned.
This is... This is true. This is good. Guys, here's to the next step.
Would you please shut up with that stepping? Put your glass down.
We'll find a wonderful place somewhere. I promise. We'll keep looking.
Is everything okay in here? The study can get a little chilly.
Do you have enough blankets? We're fine. Thank you.
L-I was kind of hoping that, uh...
that someday soon we could have a little talk.
I'd really like to tell you why I think I'll make a good husband.
Whenever you get a chance.
- Oh, why is that? Come on.
See, I was saying that soon... we could talk.
This... This right now is-is sort of the preliminary talk...
before the future... longer talk,
which would be like a... a quiet, uh, private dinner talk.
Let him finish.
I'm talking to you.
Shh. - Okay.
Good talking to you.
No. No, these aren't gonna work.
Wow.
You guys in a sporting goods store. Very good.
Hey, Finch, I think they got your size.
Aw, beautiful.
Jim needs to learn to dance for his wedding.
You know, I think he's screwed.
Of course he's screwed. He's getting married.
I can't wait to see this disaster.
What makes you think you're invited?
I already called up Jim's mom, got the info.
I'm preparing for the festivities.
It's time for me to boom-boom with the bridesmaids, Finch-fucker.
'Cause I'm gonna hang out with my wang out.
And I'm gonna rock out with my cock out!
Ooh, yep, that's what I'm talking about.
All right, Stifler. Um,
this-this is a little, uh, difficult to explain.
Look, you're... you're okay.
You're okay. L-l-I mean, uh... I mean, I like you.
Yeah, great. You can blow me after practice.
I'm working, dude. Well, dude...
- Come on. Work it! Hustle!
See, my mom didn't know that there was a misunderstanding. Push it! Move it!
- You're not invited! - Hold!
Dude, how the hell do you even think you're getting married?
I've been looking out for your sex life since high school. You what?
Ohhhh! Ohh!
The first tits this guy ever saw...
were because of me.
The first girl he ever hooked up with...
was at my party at my cottage.
That girl is the girl he's marrying.
The Stif-man showed him the way.
- Can I get a "Hallelujah"? - Hallelujah, Stifler!
But, my fuckers,
this mofo right here does not want the Stif-meister,
the grand, fucking facilitator to attend the wedding.
Who sucks donkey dick? Jim sucks donkey dick!
Jim sucks donkey dick! The answer's no. Okay? I'm sorry.
The answer's no. I can dance.
What? I can dance.
Jim sucks donkey dick! Jim sucks donkey dick!
Five, six, seven, eight.
Okay. Now-Now what exactly is this here?
Left box turn. Left box turn.
Hi. Stop looking into my eyes. Sorry. Sorry.
How do you... How do you know how to do this?
My mom made me take it for three fucking years. Yeah?
Yeah, I hated it. No, you're really good.
Uh, you should take ballet or something.
Fuckface! What part of "This sucks my ass" do you not under-fuckin'-stand?
This is exactly what I'm talking about, Steven. You can't behave like this.
L-l-lf you want to come to the wedding, I'm sorry, you cannot act like this.
Are you saying I'm impolite or something?
Impolite would be an improvement. Look,
just... just try not to be, uh, you know, uh,
you.
Fuck this shit. It's not worth it.
Hey, wait, Stifler. Stifler, hold on.
Wait. Okay. Wh-What if, uh... What if you, uh, plan the bachelor party?
With a dildo show? Sure.
Look. Just... If you can find the time, uh, to fit it in,
go ahead, surprise me.
Sorry, chief. That only gets you halfway there.
Why? Why ha... What do you mean?
I need assurances that I'm gonna get some quality action at this wedding.
I'm sor... I can't... I can't make that promise.
Well, let me put it to you this way, Jimbo.
No pussy, no dancing. Okay?
No pussy, no dancing. How's that for polite?
Jim, your suspicions are confirmed.
Michelle wants a dress that she can't get.
The dress she wants is Amsale. They have a store in Chicago.
Now, if we leave right now,
we can get there by the time they close... a three-hour drive.
A three-hour drive? Kick fuckin'ass.
Are we going to Chicago to see titties?
We are talking about getting Michelle a dress in Chicago.
Now, please, vanish.
Hey, Finch, what's the capital of Thailand?
Bangkok!
Dude... Hey, I got shotgun.
Let's get this dress shit over with.
The strip bar has got free hot wings before 7:00.
Now, Jim, let me handle this.
These are my people. They're gay?
No, you bleeding imbecile. They have style. They're cultured.
- They're sophisticated. - So they're gay.
So, mademoiselle, I'm sure that you can appreciate...
that monsieur here is stuck right between Scylla and Charybdis.
Yes, I'm afraid he's no Ulysses.
- Okay, what's happening here? - You need to speak to my dressmaker.
That's who would actually make the dress. And I'm afraid Leslie has gone for the day.
All right. She-She said she'd probably be at one of these bars here on Halstead.
I say we split up and ask around for a Leslie Summers.
Right.
Hey there, sweet little thing.
Hey there, you sweet manly thing.
You know, I really love your shirt. Do I know you?
I'm Jennifer. Well, Jennifer,
just relax, take it slow...
and let the good times roll.
'Cause Daddy's a regular here. Do you want to get a drink?
You're goddamn right I do. Whoo-hoo!
Whoo. Two cold ones.
Hey, you know, my friend would really dig your vibe. Will you wait here?
Sure thing, babe. Good.
All right.
How you feeling, sexy? Pretty good.
Whoa. You have a deep voice.
That's not all.
Oh, right.
You look really cute tonight. Thanks.
I guess. What the...
Oh, hey. Gettin' a little frisky.
Oh. Game over.
What's happening here?
Hey. Any luck?
- Not so much. - All right. Let's, uh...
This is Bear.
Hey. Wow. You are a bear.
- Yeah.
How much you bench?
- How much you weigh? - Why?
You wanna try and pick me up?
Yeah, I think I could.
Yeah, I bet you could. You are big.
I could use a guy like you on my team.
Are you... Are you talking about our team or an actual team?
What the hell is "our team"?
Hi. Where's the girl?
What the fuck are we talking about?
You need to take another look around.
- Hey, honey.! - Oh, my God. What the fuck is going on?
- Come on. Is that all you got?
Pussy!
I, uh... I must have came to the wrong place. Stifler.
Stifler. Oh, man.
Hey. Oh, it's so good to see you.
L... How did you get up the nerve to check out a gay bar?
Yeah. Really don't wanna talk about it right now. I just wanna go home.
- Your friend here was just leaving. - Eat shit.
Did you find Leslie? Fuck your stupid dressmaker, man.
- You guys know Leslie Summers? - Uh, we're trying to find her.
You know what? I think you guys are out of luck. Why don't you go home?
No. Y-You know Leslie... He knows Leslie S... Okay, look.
My friends and I just drove all the way from Michigan...
to find my fiancée the wedding dress that she deserves.
Now, we need Leslie to make it for us. Can-Can you please help us find her?
I'm sure Leslie always helps associates of assholes.
What are you looking at? I'm not a steak.
Listen, breeder, not every gay man wants to have sex with you.
Oh, yeah? Listen up, ass jockey.
If I were gay, you'd want me. Really.
Really. I got style.
I'm cultured. I'm sophisticated.
And all that just radiates from your oh, so sexy self.
That's bullshit.
Everyone wants a piece of the Stif-meister.
Right! Yeah!
Without a doubt!
- I'll show you fuckers. - Bye.
Everybody say, "Bye. '"Bye.
Bye.
Bye. Good luck with the dress.
Give us a drink.
Mother of God.
Bitch!
Whoo-hoo.!
What is this, a dance-off?
Oh, yeah?
Go, big boy.!
I love you!
What?
Fabulous. Seeing that was worth anything.
Look, I'm Leslie Summers, and you've got yourself a dress.
Thank you. Oh, my God. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Yeah, no problem. Hey, who's your friend? Uh, K-Kevin.
Was that the best night ever or what? Stifler,
are you... are you kidding me? It was amazing.
Hey, guys! Hey, hey.
Hey, when you get your bachelor party together, I manage some girls in town.
Real ones. All right.
Call me. Damn, Stiffy, you got some moves.
Told you that guy wanted to fuck me.
I can't believe this. They're really gonna make the dress for me?
They are expecting your call. Go ahead. This is so cool. Oh.
I love you.
Thank you.
Well, that worked out.
Well, maybe it's time we have that special dinner chat.
I'll have turkey.
Thanks for helping out.
We're so close, and there's still so much to do.
Cadence!
Hey. Hi.
Cadence, this is Paul Finch. Finch, meet my younger sister, Cadence.
Nice to meet you. You're reading Descartes.
Yep.
Cogito ergo sum. "I think, therefore I am."
Hungry.
Hungry.
So, when's Mark getting in?
Uh, let's see, that would be never.
Did you guys break up? How tragic.
Uh, sorry, Paul Finch. Girl stuff.
Just stay calm. I'm available, she's available. It's all good.
She's a beautiful girl, and you're you.
I dumped him.
But it was Mark. I thought you really liked him. He was nice.
Yeah, but sometimes nice isn't so nice.
W-Wait. Hold on. Let me get this straight.
He didn't want to do it. He said he didn't want to ruin what we had...
by deflowering ourselves.
Who the hell uses the word deflower?
That's like something Mom would say. Yeah.
And I'm starting to realize that Mom and Dad's idea of appropriate behaviour...
might be a little bit different than mine.
Mitch, you're in love. Shh.
You're getting married. I mean, what's this like?
It's like it's... I'm never gonna be able to explain it.
I wanted us to write our own vows for the wedding, and now I can't do mine.
L... How do you explain love?
Uh, l-I guess I wouldn't know.
I don't think I've ever felt that way about a guy.
Oh, someday you will. Maybe.
But in the meantime, I don't think it would hurt to get a little rowdy this weekend.
Jim's got single friends, right? Yes.
- Think Finch is a possibility? - Oh, Finch is boneable.
Yes, he is boneable.
Dickhead. You do not send shit to my office at school.
Hey, Stifler. Why don't you come in and make yourself comfortable?
Your letter made a great impression on Coach Marshall when he read it.
Let me just refresh your memory, partner. "Dear Steve,
I will be forever in your debt if you teach me to dance like you did in the gay bar."
I put serious thought into that letter.
"Don't push me 'cause I'm close to the edge.
I'm trying not to lose my head." Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
These are really nice. I mean, for a bridesmaid dress.
- At least something you can actually wear again. - Wear again.
But you don't think it's too sexy, do you?
I mean, I don't want to seem slutty or anything. I'm trying to attract a decent guy here.
It's a wedding. They'll all be decent guys.
I just don't feel quite like a virgin in it.
Oh!
So, you guys have to be psyched to be done with college.
I mean, I swear, I'm running out of room in my brain for everything.
There's always room for Plato and Aristotle.
Some of my favourites.
Excuse me, guys.
Finch, she thinks you were being sarcastic.
Okay. It's so good to see you.
You want some help? Here. Let me... Let me help you out there.
There you go. Okay. You keep fighting the good fight, sir.
It's great.
That was really sweet of you.
Yeah. I love old people.
Hey, I hate to be nosy and impolite, but, um,
do you know Jim Levenstein and Michelle Flaherty? Yeah.
Are they here? Well, I'm Cadence, Michelle's sister.
I had no idea. I'm their good friend Steven.
Well, it's nice to meet you. Yeah, you too.
Well, they're around town doing some wedding stuff. That's cool.
But there's still a few of us in the other room if you want to join us.
I don't know. I mean, you look so nice, I feel underdressed.
Well, I think you look great. Thank you.
Oh, here they are. Hi, boys. Don't stand up.
- The dads aren't here yet? - I'll go find him.
Now, which one of you is the best man?
Jim didn't pick just one. Or I mean, he-he couldn't decide.
- Hey, Paul. Hey, Kevin. - Mom, I want you to meet Steven.
He's friends of Jim’s and mine and, oh, everyone's.
You look very familiar, Steven.
Really? Oh, I'm afraid we've never met. Oh.
Oh. Well, we have now.
Oh, looks like you found Samantha's Sweets.
Oh, yes. Isn't their chocolate just to die for?
- Oh, well, you have no idea. - Actually, I do.
I love chocolate more than life itself. More than life itself.
Yes.! I was just saying to your friends that...
I have something very precious here.
What is it?
Michelle's grandmother's... my mother's... wedding ring.
Isn't that precious?
But since all of you are the best man,
I don't know who should ho-hold onto it.
- I think it's best if l... - Oh, um...
I think you should get to know us first and then decide.
You are such a gentleman, Steve.
I hear that all the time, but it never gets old. Aw.
Hey, Paul, uh, do you have a camera?
How thoughtful.
I must have forgotten my camera at home, Steven.
Oh, m-maybe you could take, like, a mental note.
- I won't forget this moment.
I bet you won't. Would you care to join us?
I would love to. Thank you. Well, come on.
Lovely to see you fellas. Thank you.
Oh, amazing.
What the hell is he doing near my flowers?
I love the way the tulips accentuate the, um...
- What do you call those again, sir? - Double Lisianthus.
Lisianthus. Double "Lisianthums."
What a pretty name.
I told him to be nice, or-or he couldn't come to the wedding.
I will take care of this. I will take care of this. Hey. Hey, James.
Oh, great. Come on over. Oh, great. Come on over.
See if I forgot anything. I don't think... Oh. Oh, oh.
We're having a great time. I think I've got it all.
Oh, look, look, look, look.
- Sahara and Desert Rose...
for your bridesmaids' bouquet.
Oh, give me that. Smell this.
It's fantastic. Fantastic.
And, oh... Oh. Oh!
Oh, oh, oh!
Look at this.
Oh, boy. Let's go look at the candelabrum, honey.
I think with the Summer Blossoms. Mm-hmm.
Cutie. Thank you for everything.
What do you think, girls? Isn't this adorable? Bye, Cadence.
Okay, I know... I know what you're doing. Look. Have you seen yourself?
I can't believe you're doing this. Just calm down, dude.
It's all set. What's set?
I'm gonna teach you to dance like a "Baryshiniankov."
Oh, yeah. He is pretty good.
Jim, he's not doing it to be nice. He's doing it to bone Cadence.
Look, maybe we should give him a chance. You know, I think... I think...
that underneath all the fucks and shits and blow mes,
there's a very sensitive person who is just thirsty for acceptance.
That's-That's what I think.
Oh, Jim, you've gotta stop masturbating. It's melting your brain.
Observe the fuckin' Stif-meister.
What is his defining characteristic?
He uses the F-word excessively.
Thanks, man.
But I also have confidence. You're one big floppy cock.
Look at you. You've gotta stand like a man.
Your posture tells your partner where to go.
Okay. Okay. Okay?
Follow my lead.
This is the waltz. Waltz. Okay.
Waltz. Okay.
That's pretty good. You're fuckin' right it's good.
I'm gonna save your ass in this wedding.
Pretty soon you're gonna want me to shave your balls.
Should I shave my balls? Do you shave your balls? How do you do it?
Dude, no.
L... l... I'm just...
Shaving.
You know, there's nothing like a local pub.
Mm-hmm. It's like real America...
without all that corporateness and catchy jingles. Well, what's wrong with a good jingle?
I think it was Voltaire who said,
"A jingle witty proves everything for my friends and I."
- Cadence.
I didn't know you were gonna be here.
You're just in time for Voltaire's greatest hits.
Voltaire? Stifler, please, who was Voltaire?
Someone much wiser than you, I'm afraid, Finch.
Actually, I'm getting a little burned out on all the intellectual stuff.
Yeah. Me too.
Being smart is so hard.
I'll give you some intelligence.
Voltaire can suck on my balls.
What?
It's about time somebody finally came out and said it.
Hey, I'm gonna give you a quote to live by.
"Love life, get paid and then get laid."
That is the basic philosophy of the Finch-meister.
I like that.
- Bet you do. - But I don't know why you do...
because Finch-meister doesn't make any friggin' sense.
- Sure, it does. - No fuckin' shit it does.
Cadence, let's leave the "crayton" here, shall we?
Whatever. Fuck it. I'm walkin' anyway.
Wait. You know, actually, I think I'm gonna go stretch my legs with the Finch-meister.
- You don't mind, do you, Steven? - No.
Ha!
It's on like Donkey Kong, bi-i-itch.
Pack it up, bitch.
I'm on it. Thank you.
So, uh, Cadence say anything about me?
Whatever you and Finch are pulling, she seems to like you both.
Finch. Is she gonna be around tomorrow night?
No, she's going up to Chicago with Michelle for the final dress fitting.
What about her parents? I think her mom kind of likes me.
They're going up north with, uh... with my parents...
for, uh... you know, to get things, uh, ready for the rehearsal.
So, uh... So that's where they'll be.
So don't bother looking for them or anything, you know.
A wedding.
Shit. How do you know she's the right girl?
I just do.
I'm a better person when I'm with Michelle. Nobody else can... No, no, no, shithead.
You hooked up with one other girl for, what, 10 seconds.
Not to mention you passed on Nadia. Dumbest fuckin' thing ever.
You're like a blind man picking out his favourite porno.
This shit is crazy.
This is just the old pre-wedding jitters, son.
It's so forever, you know. It-It's, uh...
You know, Michelle is the only, uh,
girl that I've... I've been with.
Honestly, now... Honestly, would you have passed up sex with Nadia?
Why? Did she say something?
Hypothetically, Dad. Oh, hypothetically.
Well, I mean, you know, Jim, I'm a married man.
I'm... If-lf-lf you weren't married.
She's a college girl. If you were a college guy.
In a heartbeat. Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm.
First of all, what-what you're feeling is so normal and perfectly natural.
Marriage is not about, uh, animal lusting and-and kinky sex games.
It's not so much about who's the dog and who's the fire hydrant tonight.
It's-It's deeper than that.
The longer a marriage lasts,
uh, the longer you can go,
uh, without sex.
But when that magic night does happen, uh,
it's-it's all the more meaningful.
And let me tell you, your mother, bless her,
can still make me, uh, squeal like a pig.
Uh, and I mean that in the good sense, son. Do you follow what I'm saying?
You understand where I'm going? I do. I, uh... I think I, uh...
Anything else you need? No. No, that's, uh...
Anything I can do.
He's not here. Park the cars down there where he won't see them.
Hoo! Fuckin' right!
So, you like my pants, Stiffy? Whatever, dude. As long as the girls are worth it.
They're worth it. Oh, and if you've got some good wine too, that'll score some points for you.
- We think there's some in the... in the basement. - I'll get it.
You ain't gonna want to miss this.
Gentlemen.
Gentlemen, I would like to introduce...
Officer Krystal und Fräulein Brandi.
Oh, my God.
Oh.! Oh.! Oh.! Yeah.!
- Oh, my God! - You boys have been very messy.
Whoops. Can you see my fanny?
Whoops.
Ohh!
Whoo.!
- Oh!
- You naughty girl.
None of that pleading the Fifth crap!
- You boys are gonna talk. - Uh... Uh...
Wow.!
Oh, my God!
Are you just gonna stand there and drool?
- Or are we gonna have a bachelor party? - Fuck yeah, we are!
Yeah? What? I can't hear you.
Louder! Y-Y-Y-Y-Yes. Bachelor party.
Can't hear you. Louder! Louder!
- Stick a finger in my ass!
- That's weird. - You just wait.
Look, maybe we should just wait for... Jim.
- Fuck Jim, man! This is for us. - Take her top off.
My girlfriend has strict rules about this. No touching.
What are you, a dancing clown?
You wipe that shit-eating grin off your face, you punk-ass little bitch.
- This is awesome! Oh, you like that?
You like it, huh? How much? Boob.
No! Hmph!
I'm sorry. No, not yet. But you will be.
Like I said, this is awesome.
Hey, listen, l-l-l-I think we both know that Officer Krystal and me have this...
You know. Yeah. Thing? Mm-hmm.
No one has ever slapped my ass like that.
No one's ever pinched my nipple with such ferocity.
l... I'm a master of the Tantric art.
L-I look at her body...
and I just see the chakras and the things I can do to her and...
Ohh!
You. You look cute. L... Oh, thank you.
Thank you, but you... you're the cute one.
Stiffy! How slimming is this, huh?
What the fuck, Buffalo Bill?
What, this... What, the pink too much?
It puts the dress in the drawer and it does as it's told.
Oh, dude. Now that's fucked up.
That's fucked up.
And in closing, you have been a naughty, naughty girl.
You been naughty, Brandi? You been fuckin' naughty?
Fresh.
Take her top off!
You didn't get to cleaning, little bitch fucker? Huh? Ow!
Wanna see us kiss?
Fuck, no. No, no.
None of that "you go, we go" bullshit.
Already done that. Very good of you.
I used to have this pet bass. Oh.
His name was Arnie, and... Oh, he was so cute.
And he just loved me too. Yeah.
He'd just look up at me... Maybe you could dance.
And make this face like...
Or something like that. I don't know. It was great. God, I miss him, but...
Um, sometimes I watch the Discovery Channel, and...
I don't care!
Could you just dance for me, please?
No, that's my favourite...
It was my favourite shirt. Uh, okay.
Hey. What?
Nothin'.
It's a crazy party, huh?
Don't worry about him. You don't worry about him.
He's... He's a... He's a maniac. And you're a maniac, you know that?
Stifler, why in the world are you focused on me?
I'm surprised to see you don't have tits.
How can I clean you if you are not dirty?
Go put something on that I must clean off with my tongue.
Ohh. Anything for a French person.
If you insist, Fräulein.
- Ah!
Oh, yeah.
Look at you, you pathetic, little weasel.
Can't I just watch?
Look, you don't have to do anything if you don't want to.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on.
Don't break character ever again.
Okay? I don't care if Kevin starts crying because Finch bit his cock off.
You're a dirty cop, you're a prissy maid and I am your filthy cabana boy in need of much punishment and cleaning.
Don't you ever mouth off to Officer Krystal,
- you dirty, little pervert! - Okay.
Now, obey! I obey! I obey!
Jesus!
Guys, are we having dinner?
Here, let me get that.
Holy shit! Stifler.
I've got something really nice cooking up for you. Well, we love surprises.
Stifler, you said you spoke to Jim. I did. I was secret about it and everything.
He said he'd be the only one here tonight. What the fuck, shit-brick?
Chocolate. Ah, sh...
Now, I told everyone that you were up north with my parents.
Okay. So we won't be bothered. We can just, uh, totally relax and no worries.
Please come on in.
Make yourselves at home. Right this way. Thank you.
Sir.
What?
Pink roses.
Pink roses. Yeah.
They're nice, aren't they? Yes. Artificial. Nice try.
Well... I almost got ya.
Yeah. Well.
So, has Michelle ever told you the story of how we fell in love?
Oh, why don't you retell us now?
It's... It's one of my favourite stories. Where should I begin?
Um...
Let's see. Uh...
Well, I suppose, uh... I suppose it all started at, um...
Tall Oaks.
That's-That's right. At Tall Oaks.
That was the summer when, uh... Oh!
Oh! The summer that was so hot.
So hot. All right. Look what I got.
Jesus!
Hey there. Hi there.
Hey. Jim, I cannot believe you.
- You can't? - You hired help on our account? That is entirely unnecessary.
But I will have some of that wine, sir.
- Say, "Please," Harold. - Please. Of course.
Absolutely. It's what he's here for, is-is the wine, obviously.
Yes. Evidently. What else would you be here for?
And-And-And I certainly appreciate your-your-your courtesy, sir.
Ah. Uh, well, yes.
Uh, we have... we have right here a 1999...
cabernet seve... um...
full-bodied, masculine wine.
Just shouts sophistication.
- James. - Yes.
Well, I can see you're very surprised to see me here. A little bit.
I'm going to go check on the dogs. Yes, yes!
In fact, why don't you both go check on the dogs and...
No, no, no. Don't check on the dogs. They're fine.
- How do you know? - Because I just checked on the dogs.
Because he just checked on the dogs. Good work, man. I did.
- Jim, I'll help you with the turkey. - Okay.
Um, and I'll keep you company.
Thank you. Whoo.
So, how long have you been a sommelier, Mr., um...
Belvedere, ma'am. Oh. Belvedere.
It's chilly in here.
So, how long do we have to stay in here for?
I don't know. They said to hide.
I guess we'll just wait for 'em to call us.
Who knows what kind of kinky shit they're getting ready for us.
Do these go in your ass tonight or mine?
Do you have a serving dish ready?
- Jim. - Hmm?
We need a serving dish. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Of course.
- Oh! - What?
- Nothing. - Then why the excitement?
I thought, uh, the-the dish was broken.
Well, is it? No.
Then, are you going to get it? Yes.
Here you go. One serving dish. Excellent.
Now what we need... a cutting board.
Huh? No, no, no, no! Stop! What?
L-I will get it for you. Nonsense. I can get a cutting board.
Ah, let's see. There you go. This should do nicely.
I presume we're having white wine with the turkey.
Uh, let me go check.
What happened here?
Oh, um, that... that's mud.
I meant to clean that up this morning. How embarrassing.
That's gonna stain. We're gonna need a mop.
I'll get it. It's in this closet.
Oh! No, no, no! No, it's not.
- It's in there. - It's not in this closet...
because l-I, um... I moved it... I moved it.
Well, where? I'll go get it.
L-I don't... I don't remember.
You don't remember?
You know why I don't remember is because I actually did not move it.
The cleaning lady did.
Your mother said you don't have a cleaning lady.
I don't know why she would say such a... You called, master?
Holy... Well, there you are.
Hello. How do you do?
Uh, so, cleaning lady,
we were wondering where... where the mop was.
Master put the mop in my fanny.
- You what? - Who put what where?
I did no such thing anywhere.
Shall I clean?
Harold.
Very well. It is so hot in here.
- Holy Jesus!
Oh, Brandi, Brandi. What are you doing? You're not in Eastern Europe anymore.
You can't do that. I am so sorry about my ... my cousin. She's not used to our customs.
Jim, I apologize for recommending her to you.
Oh, here's, uh... here's this, by the way.
Ah, yeah. Got the mop.
Brandi, you left the mop in the car. Hmm?
Now remember, it's called a car, not a fanny.
You remember last time when you wanted me to take a ride in your fanny? Of course.
Oh, dear, I'm so sorry.
You know what? We should probably just go.
I'm so sorry about this. I just came by to make sure everything was in order.
Ooh, food smells great!
Au revoir.
Jim, you have unique friends.
Harold! Let's get that cleaned up.
Um, I think I saw some Pine-Sol in here too.
Aye-yay-yay. Oh, my God!
Oh, my Lord.! Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
He's okay. Are you all right? Are you okay?
Who did this to you? I'm sure he's okay. Are you okay?
Get some help! Harold, call the police! No, no, please.
- All right! - Jesus!
I'll take charge from here.
- They are fast here. And nicely attired. - What's going on here?
- She's here to protect and serve. - Quiet!
- Okay. - Who let this boy out of the closet?
You are all in for a hard punishment now.
Don't you touch him. He's been hurt.
- No, this is hurt! - Ow!
You can't do that. Silence, fucker!
Ow! Oh, you like it.
Oh! Harold!
What's gotten into you? I meant "ow."
Dirty whore! Shut your hole! Obey!
You can't do that.!
- You're a disgrace to the police force. - I'll be giving you an enema!
Hey, somebody untie me.!
Back off! All right, forget it. We give up.
Oh, Steven! Steven!
Oh, it's okay, Mary. What's going on?
Listen. This isn't working, guys.
Krystal, you can drop the act. This isn't a real cop.
Kevin wasn't assaulted.
I just wanted to make Jim look good for you guys.
Like a real hero. Kind of like me.
So, we hired a fake cop and we tied up Kevin and put him in the closet.
Jim was supposed to rescue him, untie him, give him mouth-to-mouth.
I don't know what he likes to do.
You know, and then Paul Finchhired an exotic dancer instead of a real actor.
Jim, is this true?
- Every word of it. - That is the stupidest idea I have ever heard.
You've embarrassed me and Harold and Mr. Belvedere.
It's all my fault. I'm a bad person.
Oh, you're not a bad person. You were just trying to help out your best friend.
And it was an awful idea. But I suppose it's the thought that counts.
You know, actually, um...
Actually, l-I never should have allowed...
such a... such a crazy plan to happen in the first place.
If you're gonna blame anybody here, blame me.
Well, I'm sorry, Jim. I didn't realize how much pressure we put on you.
I'm sure you both learned your lesson and I suppose I understand.
Jim, if you put half as much energy into your marriage as you put into tonight,
I'm confident that I can give you my blessing.
And, Steven, we still adore you, honey.
In fact, I think I know who should hold onto this.
We adore you. You'll take good care of it.
You've gotta be kidding me. No.
Look it, Jim. Kevin. Boy, this really makes me important to the wedding, huh?
Yes.
Well, Mr. Belvedere, it's gonna be one fucked-up wedding.
Absolutely.
Drive carefully. There's more bags in the study.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Ow! Is there any room for me?
Uh, nope.
Oh, I'll just drive up north all by myself.
That sounds good. We'll see you later.
No, I'll drive with you. Oh, thanks, Cadence.
- Beautiful lady. - Sure.
Hey, Finch... I know, shut up. Kevin.
So, my mom found the dogs playing with something unusual this morning.
What? I told her it was a neck massager.
Oh, these are great.
Hilarious, huh? Yeah.
That kind of thing's so lethargic to me.
What do you mean?
I'm not sure.
Mr. "Stifler," I already told you...
you called two days ago and cancelled your reservation.
Since you now wish to stay here,
I thought you could persuade Mr. Finch to share his room.
Hey, shithead. I didn't cancel my reservation.
Mr. Fuckface Finch called here,
and Mr. Idiot-Behind-The-Desk cancelled it.
Kristof, please pardon my friend's uncouth behaviour.
I did no such thing.
Nor did I, sir,
and your rudeness and obscenities won't change anything.
Oh. Well, then, I guess it doesn't matter...
if I call you a crotch-face, you ball-scratching Finch-fucker.
- Or better yet, go blow your dad! - My dad?
Hear, hear!
While you're there, stick a finger up both their asses.
Oh.
Um, uh, hey. Hi.
Um, Finch, rudeness and obscenity won't change anything.
Here's a thought. Grow a sack, fill it with some balls,
magically sprout a dick, shove it up your ass, start fucking yourself with it.
Yeah, baby!
Whoo! Baby, you know what I'm sayin'? Oh!
Ohh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Yeah! This is disgusting!
- Why don't you go dust with your perverse European cousin?
Is she here? Unbelievable.
I'd like to book a tee time for my husband...
and a European pumpkin-peel facial for me, please.
Ooh! Make that two.
You're gonna have a fun weekend, Ma.
I am missing my soap. Well, don't you worry about your soaps.
Will you push faster? I'm tired.
And wait till you meet Michelle. You're gonna love her. She's sweet as sugar.
I can't eat sugar. I know, because you're diabetic.
You know, Ma, I know things haven't been going well for you. I know that.
But wait till you see Jim standing up there at the altar tomorrow.
I mean, if ever there was a time to be happy and smile the biggest smile,
now is the time. Okay. Okay!
I'm overjoyed.
That's... That's a start.
Proud grandmother coming through.
Grandsons getting married tomorrow.
You think she's happy now? Wait till tomorrow.
Congratulations.
Grooming.
The flowers stay refrigerated until morning.
Just as we made them. Oh, I'm sure they will.
Oh, my...
- Oh! Ah! - Oh, Jimmy, no!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I hope you'll be more careful with the next one.
My kitchen is not a toilet. Okay?
Boy, pubic hair was just not an issue when I was dating.
The ladies, uh, never complained when they were...
you know, down in that general area.
Okay, if you never mention that ever again, that'd be great.
You're right. No, no, no. Okay. Shouldn't have brought it up. Maybe...
So, can I see the ring?
So, can I see the ring?
Nope. Promised to keep it safe. It's not leaving my pocket.
Okay, Frodo.
You really care about this wedding, don't you?
Yeah. I'm gonna cry at the ceremony.
I know it.
Are you just saying all of this?
I mean, do you act differently around certain people? Namely me.
Of course not. Why? Do you act differently around me?
Generally I'm just me. If people don't like it, then that's their problem, right?
Yeah. Fuck those fuckers.
What?
L-I didn't... No, you know, you're right. Fuck 'em.
- Hey, Harold and Mary. - Oh, hi, kids. - Hi.
How's it going?
Thanks for, um... Come on. Thanks for watching the dogs.
I love these guys. Hey, you guys want more Snausages? Huh? There you go.
- Eat 'em up, fellas. - Give me some.
Oh, there you go. I don't think I have any left.
- What's wrong? - Oh, shit.
- Are you okay?
Yeah.
You kissed Stifler? Yeah, but then he freaked.
And it's like he's been paying more attention to the dogs than me.
Can I stop worrying then? Michelle, he's been nothing but nice to me.
I mean, do you think he really likes you? Like...
I don't know. I hope he likes me.
I mean, I think he likes me.
We're... Well, yeah, I guess I hope he likes me.
Do it.
Don't fuck around.
Just relax and let it go.
I'm sick of waiting.
Do it for Daddy.
Will you just take a shit already?
Great.
You fed the ring to the dogs, didn't you?
Of course not.
You have been staring at those dogs like a hawk all day.
I'm a dog lover.
Oh, and by the way...
apparently you missed when Cadence kissed me.
Slight tongue action too.
It was something like this.
You're a terrible liar, Stifler.
If I were lying, I'd think of something better than a kiss.
Maybe a blow job or some titty grabbin'.
No pussy for you, Finch.
Oh, fuckin' right, doggy!
It's about goddamn time. Jackpot.!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some shit to attend to.
Great!
Thanks, assholes.
You know, maybe you can call them. Oh, okay.
Steve, come over here.
Uh, I'm a little busy.
With what? Come on over. We need you.
Get over here, you little rascal. We were just talking about Michelle's wedding band.
Could I see it?
Um, no.
- No? - I don't have it.
What? You mean you lost it? Of course not.
I'm keeping it safe in my room, you silly Sally.
- I apologize. - That's fine. I'll just see it later.
Okay. All right then. What do you have in your hand there?
- This one? - No, the other one.
It's a chocolate truffle. Ooh, yummy.!
Where did you get that?
Oh, the caterer said she was saving the truffles for tomorrow.
You sneaky devil.
Well, hey, I managed to sneak one right past her.
Oh, come on. This woman loves chocolate.
- At least give her a tiny nibble. - Give it to Mama.
Mama don't want this. This is the only piece that I have.
- Idiot. - Well, break it in half. Come on.
You know what? Let's just leave the surprises till tomorrow, huh, guys?
- It's gonna be a great day. - I'd like my surprise right now.
- No, it's mine! - Steven, give it to me.
- No. - Give me the "G" darn truffle.
Steven, that is so selfish.
Mm, it's good. Is it? Is it sweet?
- It's so sweet.
Close your mouth when you chew, Steven. Don't do that.
At least you could describe to the lovely woman how delicious it is.
Well, tastes like twigs and berries.
Is it Swiss or French chocolate?
Maybe German. Oh, really?
Uh-huh. Is it creamy?
Yeah, it's creamy. Easy to go down, right?
Well, I'm trying to savor the flavor right now.
Is it fresh? - Oh, it's so fresh.
Nothing better than when they're fresh. Nothing better.
The problem is you can't eat just one, can ya?
No. No, you can't. But you've got to know when to stop, don't you?
You really do, but it's hard. It's really hard.
Droppings from the gods. Ooh!
Get me another one, darling. Come on.
You selfish boy. Next time, bring enough for everybody.
Hey, let's keep this to ourselves. Huh? Okay?
Okay. I gotta go, okay?
Don't have any more because it's gonna spoil your appetite.
Okay. Hey, look, man. I gotta go.
See ya.
Grandma, I want you to meet some people.
Grandma, this is Michelle.
I'm so proud to be joining your family.
She's real pretty, huh?
Isn't it great? We're getting married.
It's amazing, Gram.
Not Jewish. No wedding, Jimmy! No wedding.
Forget it. Goy.! Grandma?
- Shit. - Jim, she hates me.
Oh, my God! Grandma!
Grandma, we love each other.
Michelle and I love each other very much.
And that's all that matters. Grandma.! Grandma.
Michelle. Michelle.
But, uh, Grandma's okay.
Oh, she's okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, Dad. She's okay. She's just a little tired.
Okay. My mother hasn't been well.
When your dad sees the look on Grandma's face...
it's... it's gonna break his heart.
Because of me. It's not because of you.
Michelle, it's not because of you at all.
It's because Grandma thinks it's 1801.
Look. Don't... Don't worry. I will... I'll come up with something.
I promised you the wedding of your dreams,
and I'm not gonna let anything ruin it.
Oh.
I would like to propose a toast.
These last few weeks have really been something for my lovely wife and me.
We have met some people we didn't know existed.
We've experienced some things we didn't think were possible.
We've always tried to make the best of every situation.
- This is a good situation. - That's what I'm saying.
This is a wonderful situation.
The coming together of two families from different backgrounds.
So, to our new son-in-law, may we say Erin Go Braugh.
To our lovely daughter Michelle, L'chaim.
- Did I get that right? - Very good.
Uh, and let's hope we can sip many happy shivas together.
Here's to a wonderful wedding.
Cheers.
See that, shit-brick. Told you I won.
Hey. Hey.
So, I just wanted to say I'm sorry if I freaked you out with the whole kiss thing.
You didn't freak me out.
I just wanted to let you know that...
you make me feel special.
I think you're the most special girl I've ever known.
Maybe you'd wanna make things extra special tonight.
Which room is yours?
I'm crashing at Kevin's.
Damn. But I saw...
like a big, fluffy linen closet at the end of the main hallway.
Yes. Big, fluffy linen closet is good. Okay.
Midnight? All right. Yeah. Okay.
Oh!
Gonna have sex with Cadence
Gonna have sex with Cadence
Whoo! Uh-huh.
Cadence Jesus!
You fuckin' stalker.
You're nota very stealthy thief.
Oh, really? Guess what, shit-brick, it's a wedding.
Everything's free. What do you want?
Well, Stifler, Jim's grandma doesn't approve of the wedding.
We're trying to run interference and,
reluctantly, I am asking for your help.
Hmm. Sorry, Finch-meister. I got plans with Cadence.
Stifler, maybe you could forget about your dick for one second and actually be useful.
Fuck you, Finch.
You didn't eat shit, okay?
You didn't prance around here like a ballerina for the whole week.
"Oh, wedding" this. "Suck my ass" that.
"I'm special. You're special." We're all just a bunch of special fuckers, aren't we?
Well, you know what? I'm a-gonna get laid, Finch-fucker.
And it's gonna be oh, so good.
It's gonna be like, "You like this shit, Mama?"
She's gonna be like, "Fuckin' right, doggy, give it to me.
Suck on my nipples like you're milking a cow."
Like...
You been here long?
Oh, shit.
Yeah. Cadence,
it is my distinct pleasure to introduce you...
- to the real Steve Stifler. - Hi.
Hi.
Pumpkin.
You are quite the gentleman, Stifler.
You could have told me she was behind me.
Between Grandma and Stifler and Cadence. The cake. The cake!
I mean, are you kidding me? You know, I thought I had grown out of this...
sort of behaviour, but I keep messing up.
These things keep happening to me.
And if I can't bring it together for one day,
how am I gonna hold it together for the rest of our lives?
I'm really afraid that this is how it's always gonna be.
Yeah, but you always manage to get yourself into serious shit,
and somehow you always come out of it better than you went in.
I don't know how, but you do. Everything is gonna be fine.
Yeah. Um, uh, you need to come into the kitchen right now.
There's... Yeah. Jesus, now what?
There is no way to remake all these in time, is there?
Something must have disrupted the power.
The compressors need time to reset after a power loss, or they overheat.
Essentially, it turns the refrigerator into an oven.
Stifler was in here earlier flipping switches.
Michelle, I am so sorry.
Hey!
Ooh. Those flowers look hideous.
That's 'cause you killed them, Stifler.
You've ruined everything.
F... What are you talking about?
You obviously don't care about this wedding or anyone in it.
Cadence.
Jim?
Shit-brick, come on.
Maybe you should just leave, Stifler.
Fine. Adios.
Fuckers, it's not my fault!
I'm not an "intellectual Einstein". I'm not...
- Damn it.!
Fuck!
Hey, flower fuckers, you there?
Zyskowski.
Hello?
Are you awake?
Come on. Come on. Anybody awake?
Oh.!
- Are you Miss Zyskowski? - Who are you?
I'm the guy who just killed all the flowers for the Levenstein-band geek wedding.
- What? - Yeah, I'm that guy.
Now what I need you to do is drag your ass down to your little store,
gather up some flowers, slice 'em and dice 'em,
jam 'em all together and cart that crap down to the wedding.
Are you completely insane?
- You have no idea. - Even if I overlook the fact...
that this is the rudest thing I have ever encountered,
there is no time to redo all that work.
I had four assistants working two full days on that wedding.
I'm sorry.
It's impossible.
We don't quit at halftime, ma'am!
You don't score until you score!
That's the spirit, sweetheart.
Pick up the pace.
You guys keep working this hard, we'll be able to beat the Wildcats.
You remember how tough they were last year.
Come on. Let's see some determination.
Determination.!
Come on. Keep working.!
Good, Connor. Very good. Good, DeBoer.
Really sucks. Go fix it.
Hey, party guy. Having a good time, huh? Can I get you a gin and tonic?
Ring! Hold on a second. Hello. Okay.
It's for you. It's "get to work, fucker."
We are gathered here today to join these two great people...
in a blessed union and bladdah, bladdah, bladdah and crap.
Coach, this is kinda gay.
Yeah, it is.
Good work. Hey, no problem.
So, you got a date for this thing?
Don't push it. Sorry.
Holy shit.
How the hell did this happen?
It's a miracle.
Stifler. Save it, dickhead. I'm working.
- You're an asshole. - I know.
You really are an asshole.
Thanks.
I don't do apologies so good.
Well, you get an "A" for effort. This is amazing.
Cool.
I was always kind of a "C" student.
So, did you do all this just to have sex with me...
or because you really care about the wedding?
Both.
And, uh...
I like you.
What?
I like you.
Well, that's an honest answer.
I gotta go.
Steve Stifler just gave a rose to a girl and meant it.
This is huge. It's... It's like watching monkeys use tools for the first time.
You still pissed about me and Cadence?
You still pissed about me and Cadence?
No. Let's see.
She wasn't into the heavy intellectual stuff.
She actually liked me being that imbecile.
No, no, somehow I think she's probably better off with you.
Thanks, shit-brick.
Ooh. Dick. Fucking hate not hating you.
I did fuck your mom.
Twice.
Ooh! That's better, fucker!
Oh. Whoa! Ready to go?
Um, the wedding's not for another hour.
No, I mean you and me.
Hold on. Hold on.
Do I still gotta do this bullshit meeting?
Stifler, you are not bailing on Jim.
Shit! Give me 10 minutes?
I'll meet you at the closet. The closet.
You wanted to see me, Michelle?
Oh! Okay, sit.
So, uh, Jim said that you've always kind of been there for him...
when he needed you, so I thought maybe you could help me.
Jim said that?
What's, uh... What's the problem?
Okay. Well, I, uh...
I still can't get my vows right.
Oh. I haven't been this confused since I got my first period.
That's a very confusing time for any young lady.
You know, your body is going through, uh, changes.
Um, stuff coming out, stuff going in.
Oh, no. I need help with my vows, not my period.
Oh, your vows. Your vows.
Yes, uh, good. Um, go on.
Jim just wants a groomsmen's meeting before the wedding.
It shouldn't take long. Just don't let her talk to anyone.
Be careful. She's feisty.
Okay, let's go.
Hey, guys. Thanks for coming out here and meeting me.
I, um... I just have a couple of things I wanna say.
This sucks.
Did I say that out loud?
Keep going. It's good.
Now, I thought about what you said, Kev.
About, uh, about how my problems always seem to work out.
And I realized that the reason things always work out...
is because you guys have always been there to back me up.
Even you, Stifler.
For the first time in my life...
I actually feel like I can't mess anything up.
Which is pretty amazing.
So, uh,
l-I guess I just wanted to say thank you.
Thanks. Yeah. Thanks?
This whole thing was about thanks?
Ooh! You're welcome, cock-block!
That was good, Jim. Real nice.
Let's get you married. Hmm?
Okay.
Love is very difficult to describe.
And I understand the angst. I mean, it's your wedding.
And it's natural. It's perfectly natural.
But it's impossible to describe a feeling.
Okay, first, nothing is impossible.
So, let's not focus on that.
Why do you think, Michelle, they call it "making love"?
I don't know. I just call it "boneing."
Boneing.
Well, when you're doing other things with Jim...
when you're not, um, boneing...
how does he make you feel?
Horny, like I wanna bone.
But we can't be boneing from sunrise to sunset, dear.
Oh, you've never tried it?
I certainly have. I have. I've boned.
From sunrise right through brunch, on more than one occasion.
But boneing aside, um, I think they call it "making love"...
because you have to make love work.
You know, it's about compromise and sacrifice.
And I think Jim has sacrificed for you.
My God, he shaved his entire pubic region,
which would baffle most cultures around the world.
But he did it, and he did it for you.
You're right. Love isn't just a feeling.
It's shaving your balls.
Thanks, Dad.
I wouldn't get into too much detail on that.
Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me.
Oh, yeah, excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me.
Gonna have sex with Cadence Uh-huh.
You know, son, I think this is probably the right time to tell you that...
that... I know, Dad.
I can't see anything here.
Oh, there you are.
Guys, what are you doing? Where's Jim's grandma?
The old bitch sucked. We had to ditch her.
You what? Don't worry.
We put her someplace no one will find her.
Cadence, where are you going? Oh, Mom.
Oh, baby. I'm so ready for this.
Your body's not quite what I was expecting, but that's okay.
The Stif-man digs what's underneath.
Oh, you are so beautiful. Oh, I just wanna...
Stifler.! Granny.!
Granny? What? Focus! Focus! Focus!
Out... It's not what it looks like!
- Shut the fucking door!
You got it, champ.
You're a hero.
Hey, pussy's pussy.
Look at the smile on my mother's face.
Do you know how long she's been waiting for a day like this?
I can't imagine.
I couldn't be happier. Thank you.
Don't.
Good luck. Thank you, sir.
What made Grandma come around?
Finch said Stifler talked to her.
Stifler?
Grandmother fucker.
You're a motherfucker.
Yes, I am. Oh, you son of a bitch.
And I promise to love you for as long as I shall live.
Michelle, you are the one woman I want to be with...
and the woman I can't be without.
I love you.
I love you.
Jim,
I had trouble finding the words to tell you how I feel.
And I realized something.
Love isn't just a feeling.
Love is something you do.
It's a dress, a visit to band camp.
A special haircut.
Jim, you've given me everything I've ever wanted.
And it is my solemn vow...
to give everything I am to you.
James Emanuel Levenstein...
and Michelle Anabeth Flaherty,
I hereby pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Let's all welcome Mr. And Mrs. Jim and Michelle Levenstein onto the dance floor.
Just follow my lead. I'll try.
I taught him that.
Jim, you learned to dance.
Well, seems like everything worked out. Magnificently.
I feel a bit sad that tonight our little Michelle is going to be a woman.
Honey, you don't honestly believe that Michelle is still a...
Well, I'll tell you, Mary. I can't recall a single moment with either one of them...
that would make me think otherwise.
Thank you. See?
Whew! Whoa!
Hey, tough guy.
Stifler's mom.
Well, we meet again.
I was curious. Didn't see you here.
I try to keep a low profile.
I never really did like these things anyway.
You know, this has actually made quite an impression on me.
I have something to look for in a woman now.
Well, if this is your idea of a proposal...
Finchy, you gotta know that I'm over you now.
And I'm over you.
But as they say, we will always have Paris.
And the pool table. And the car.
And the two-room suite I have upstairs. Come here.
Turned out better than I ever imagined.
How did a little perv like you turn into such a great guy?
How did a little nympho like you turn into such a great girl?
I'm still a nympho. Oh, I'm still a perv.
I know. What's wrong with us?
You know, Michelle,
to quote someone I've learned quite a bit from,
"I think you and I...
are a perfectly natural, normal thing."
Perfectly natural.
That's her. Holy shit, dude.
I told you this wedding would be worth it.
Oh, my goddess. My queen. My MILF. Oh.
MILF. MILF. MILF. MILF.
MILF. MILF.
No way, bro!
Hey, you're not finished yet, are you, Finchy?
No, ma'am. Just getting started.
This guy is the fucking master.
- Oh, no. Oh, no! - Make it stop. Make it stop.
Make it stop.
Oh, Stifler's mom.
Oh, Stifler's mom.
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