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Anchorman

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Narrator: There was a time,|a time before cable,
when the local anchorman|reigned supreme,
when people believed|everything they heard on tv.
This was an age when only men|were allowed to read the news.
And in san diego, one anchorman|was more man than the rest.
His name was ron burgundy.
He was like a god|walking amongst mere mortals.
He had a voice that could|make a wolverine purr,
and suits so fine
they made sinatra|look like a hobo.
In other words,|ron burgundy was the balls.
Mmm. I look good.
I mean, really good.
Hey, everyone!|Come and see how good i look!
(vocalizing)
Mm, ehh, mm.
Ribs. I had ribs for lunch.|That's why i'm doing this.
How now brown cow.|How now brown cow.
How now brown cow.
How are you?|You look awfully nice tonight. Hmm?
Maybe don't wear|a bra next time.
No, i was talking to you.|No, not her.
I don't know her name.|What is it?
Lanolin?
La-lanolin?|Like sheep's wool?
Unique new york.
Unique new york.
Mm, i love scotch.
I love scotch.|Scotchy, scotch, scotch.
Here it goes down.
Down into my belly.|Mm-mm-mm.
The arsonist|has oddly shaped feet.
How much time?|30? 30 seconds?
- Man: You are on.|- I'm on right now?
I don't believe you.
- Doo doo doo.|- Ron!
Oh, come on. Audrey.
I look like hell.|I got bags under my eyes.
What's that?|If you were a man,
i'd punch you right|in the mouth.
That's bush.|Bush league.
The human torch was denied|a bank loan.
You hear me?|Audrey, look at me!
I'm sorry.
All right?|I'm sorry.
Ha ha!|Ha ha ha ho!
Ha ha ho.
Ha oh!
(ron yelling)
All right, we're on.
Ready, phil.
We're on in five, four...
narrator:|When the clock struck 6:00,
it meant one thing|for ron burgundy
and his news team:|Go time.
Announcer:|Channel 4 news,
announcer:|Channel 4 news,
with five-time|emmy award-winning anchor
ron burgundy.
Champ kind, sports.
Ooh! Hoo-hoo!
Brick tamland, weather.
And your reporter in the field,|brian fantana.
It's channel 4 news|at 6:00.
Good evening.|I'm ron burgundy,
and this is what's happening|in your world tonight.
A la jolla man clings to life|at a university hospital
after being viciously attacked|by a pack of wild dogs
in an abandoned pool.
Hey, everybody! Shut the hell up!|Ron burgundy's on!
Authorities are still|uncertain as to why the man
- was loitering...|- ron burgundy.
Oh, my gosh!|She said her first words!
Right now it's 82°|in our fair city,
and compare that to 48°|in the upper northwest
and 38°|in the middle east.
Off the coast|of tampa bay yesterday,
one lucky cameraman|happened to catch
an unusual|aquatic daredevil.
What you're about to see|is a channel 4 news exclusive.
His name is|nutty the squirrel,
and he's three years old.
How 'bout that?|(laughing)
That squirrel|can water-ski.
- Man, that's hilarious.|- Yeah, that's good.
For all of us here|at news center 4,
i'm ron burgundy.
You stay classy,|san diego.
All:|You stay classy, san diego.
Listen up.|The ratings just came in for last month.
We are number one.|We just grabbed every key demographic.
- Super-duper, gang!|- Yeah! Yeah!
Super-duper!|That's nice!
Way to go!|Neat-o, gang.
- Brian: Yes!|- Ron: Boy, ed.
That is good news.|I gotta be honest.
- Congrats, congrats.|- That is good news!
- Brian: All right!|- Stick around.
Make sure these guys|don't party too much.
- They don't really ever listen to me.|- Just get it done.
Ladies and gentlemen,|can i please have your attention?
Ladies and gentlemen,|can i please have your attention?
I've just been handed|an urgent
and horrifying news story.
I need all of you|to stop what you're doing
and listen.
Cannonball!
(cheering)
Narrator:|Yes, these fellas were a real news team.
Burgundy, of course,|was the foundation, the rock.
But each member brought their own|special something to the equation.
People call me|the bri-man.
I'm the stylish one|of the group.
I know what|you're asking yourself,
and the answer is yes,|i have a nickname for my penis.
It's called the octagon.
But i also nicknamed|my testes.
My left one|is james westfall,
and my right one is|dr. Kenneth noisewater.
You ladies play your cards right,|you might get to meet the whole gang.
Bang, boom, they were|showing lasers
every friday night.
Champ here.|I'm all about havin' fun.
You know, get a couple|of cocktails in me,
start a fire|in someone's kitchen.
Maybe go to seaworld,|take my pants off.
Anyway, i've become|kind of famous
for my signature catchphrase,|"whammy!"
As in, "gene tenace|at the plate...
and whammy!"
Whammy!
(sniffs)
I'm brick tamland.
People seem to like me|because i am polite
and i'm rarely late.
I like to eat ice cream,
and i really enjoy|a nice pair of slacks.
Years later,|a doctor will tell me
that i have an iq of 48
and am what some people call
"mentally retarded."
Ron: Hello!
- Whoo! Marco!|- Polo!
- Brian.|- You having a good time?
- I'm having a great time.|- That makes two of us.
You've gotta meet this girl.
She used to be a charger cheerleader,|but she broke her pelvis.
Sherri,|meet ron burgundy.
- Hey, ron.|- Hello.
- I've got a big story for you.|- Mm-hmm.
And it's right here.
Well, hello.
You pointed to your boobies.
Oh, my god, you did!
- Ron burgundy?|- Yes?
I have had a crush on you|since i was a little girl.
Let's go somewhere.
I'm telling you, it don't|get no better than this.
We've been coming|to the same party for 12 years,
and in no way|is that depressing.
Ahh.
Gonna make|our own lightning
yeah, she got the way|to move me, cherry
she got the way|to groove me
cherry, baby
she got the way|to move me
she got the way|to groove me...
by the beard of zeus!
Excuse me.
Ron, where you going?|What, are you crazy? Ron!
If you're coming down the baseline,|you gotta take home plate from me!
So there i go,|head first, boom!
I've lost her.
Ohh.
Hello.
Hello.
Hope i'm not disturbing|you, but, uh,
i saw you from across|the party, and, uh,
i don't usually do this, but i felt|compelled to tell you something.
You have...
an absolutely|breathtaking...
heinie.
I mean, that thing is good.
I want to be friends with it.
Well, you certainly know|how to compliment a woman.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Do you know who i am?
No, i can't say that i do.
I don't know how to put this,
but i'm kind of a big deal.
Really?
People know me.
I've very happy for you.
I'm very important.
I have...
many leather-bound books,
and my apartment
smells of rich mahogany.
L... i'm friends|with merlin olsen, too.
He comes over on occasion.
That's stupid.
No, no, that's...|very exciting.
Listen, can l...
can i start over again?
Sure.
I wanna say something.|I'm gonna put it out there.
If you like it,|you can take it.
If you don't,|send it right back.
Mm-hmm.
I wanna be on you.
Wait. Wait, wait,|wait, wait, wait.
L...
i wanna be on you.
(humming)
Yoo-hoo!|(clears throat)
Baxter!
Papa's home.
There he is.|There's my little man.
- You're okay?|- (barking)
Of course i met|a lady tonight.
(growls)
This one was different.|I have to be honest.
Quite different.
- (barking)|- What...
i'm lonely?|I'm not lonely!
I'm beloved by everyone|in san diego.
Wow.
You know how to cut|to the core of me, baxter.
- (growls)|- You're so wise.
You're like|a miniature buddha
covered in hair.
- (barks)|- Come again?
(barking)
You know i don't speak spanish.|In english, please.
- (barks)|- Huh?
- (growling)|- You pooped in the refrigerator?
- (sneezes)|- And you ate a whole wheel of cheese?
How'd you do that?
I'm not even mad.|That's amazing.
(laughing)|I forgive you.
What do you say we get you|in your pj's and hit the hay?
Bedtime. Okay, come on.|Let's go. Come on.
(snoring)
Oh, that was one|crazy party.
I am hung over.
Tell me about it.
I woke up this morning
and i shit a squirrel.
I mean it.|Literally.
Hell of it is,|damn thing's still alive.
So i got this|shit-covered squirrel
down there in the office.
Don't know what to name it.
I'm sorry, champ.
I think i ate|your chocolate squirrel.
All right, guys.|Let's focus up.
Morning, everyone.
Here are the stories|we're going to be chasing today.
It looks like ling wong,
the rare panda|at the san diego zoo, is pregnant.
This is a big one.
This could be the big|story of the summer.
Network is gonna be wanting|plenty of coverage.
And speaking of network,|word on the street is
they're looking|for a new anchor.
- So, ron...|- huh? Network?
Are they here?
A lot of you have been hearing|the affiliates complaining
about a lack of diversity|on the news team.
What in the hell's diversity?
(clears throat)|Well, i could be wrong,
but i believe diversity|is an old, old wooden ship
that was used|during the civil war era.
I would be surprised|if the affiliates were concerned
about the lack|of an old wooden ship,
but nice try.
Diversity means|that times are changing,
and with that in mind...
- ron, are you paying attention?|- Nope.
- This concerns all of us.|- Okay.
Keeping that in mind, i'd like|to introduce the latest addition
to the kvwn news team,
directly from wypn
in asheville, north carolina,
ms. Veronica corningstone.
- Who's that lady?|- Hello.
- Who's that lady...|- hello, everyone.
- Oh!|- I just want you all to know
that i look forward|to contributing
to this news station's|already sterling reputation.
I mean, come on, ed!|It's bullcrap!
Don't get me wrong.|I love the ladies.
They rev my engine,|but they don't belong in the newsroom!
It is anchorman,|not anchorlady!
- And that is a scientific fact!|- Brian: Uh-huh.
I don't know|what we're yelling about!
Ron, what do you think?
She... sh...|it's terrible!
She has beautiful eyes,|and her hair smells like cinnamon!
Mm-hmm.
Loud noises!
All right, everyone relax.|She's not gonna take anyone's airtime.
I read somewhere that|their periods attract bears.
Bears can smell|the menstruation.
Well, that's just great.|You hear that, ed?
Bears. Now you're putting|the whole station in jeopardy.
I will say|one thing for her, ed,
she does have a nice,|big old behind.
I'd like to put some|barbecue sauce on that butt
and just bite, bite, bite, bite,|munch, munch, munch!
- Ah-whoo!|- Stop it! Oh, jeez.
(barking, howling)
Look at the full-moon butt!|(yapping)
Champ! Champ!|Champ, champ!
Mr. Harken, i was just wondering
if you knew when my office|would be ready.
Well, that might|take some time.
For now, why don't you just|grab a desk in the bullpen?
You can use my office! Then afterwards|maybe we can go to lunch!
Lower your voice, ron.
Mm-hmm!
All right.|Thank you, mr. Harken.
I'll go get|my desk set up.
(neck cracking)
Oh, she is a saucy mama!|I mean, i would...
(champ continues,|indistinct)
(veronica sighs)|Here we go again.
Every station|it's the same.
Women ask me|how i put up with it.
Well, the truth is,|i don't really have a choice.
This is definitely|a man's world.
But while they're laughing|and grab-assing,
i'm chasing down leads
and practicing|my nonregional diction.
Because the only way to win|is to be the best.
The very best.
Ron:|Touchy situation.
I think the best thing|to do with this corningstone,
to keep her in line,|is bed her quick.
Oh, that behind|is driving me loco!
I'm like a night wolf.|(howling)
Guys, take it easy.|Just take it easy!
- She's got feelings, too.|- Oh, my god!
Listen to burgundy.
He's gone soft on us,|like some schoolboy bitch.
You sound like a gay.
(laughing)
Hey! Come on!
It's me, papa burgundy,|all right?
As far as i'm concerned,|corningstone's fair game.
Huh?|Let the games begin!
Hi-ohhh!
There he is.|There he is.
I'm very aroused.
(champ laughing)|What's this?
Well, well, well.
Ron burgundy and the channel 4|news team.
Hello, wes mantooth.
Hello,|evening news team.
Nice clothes, gentlemen.
I didn't know the salvation army|was having a sale.
(laughs)
Am i right?|Look at these guys.
Hey, where did you|get those clothes?
At the toilet store?
What are you doing|on our station's turf, burgundy?
You're about to get|a serious beat-down.
I will smash your face|into a car windshield
and then take your mother,|dorothy mantooth,
out for a nice seafood dinner|and never call her again!
Dorothy mantooth is a saint!|You understand me?
- Dorothy mantooth is a saint!|- Ron: Hey.
Leave the mothers|out of this, all right?
It's unnecessary.
Besides, i'm sure wes here
is just upset over finishing|second in the ratings again.
Ooh!
That's completely|uncalled for, burgundy.
You know those|rating systems are flawed.
They don't take into account|houses that have
more than two television sets|and other things of that nature.
I guess i have to take you|at your word,
number two.
(laughing)
You have|a great day, fellas.
We'll see you around the bend.
Son of a bitch!
Brian:|Excusez-moi, numero two.
Hey, burgundy.
You know those sample audiences|aren't big enough!
Stop hiding behind those phony numbers,|burgundy! I'm coming after you!
I hate you, ron burgundy.|I hate you!
You can't say one word?
Even the guy who can't|think says something!
You guys just stand|there? Come on!
Right, but i think my son|is just going through a phase.
I have no idea where
he would have gotten ahold|of german pornography.
But you and i|are mature adults.
We've both seen our share|of pornographic materials.
Oh, you never have?
Of course you haven't,|how stupid of me. Neither have i.
I was just speaking|in generalities.
I'll stop by the school|a little later, sister margaret. Bye.
Ed, she insisted|on coming in.
Mr. Harken, sir,
i will not have my first story|at this news station
be about a cat fashion show.
Miss corningstone, ma'am,
you will do the stories|to which you are assigned.
Mr. Harken, i am|a damn good journalist,
and this cat show thing|is grade-a baloney.
It is not baloney.|Now, go do your job, missy!
It is baloney!
Hey, ron,
i'm gonna take a run|at the new girl.
Let the games begin.|(howls)
Oh, champ, champ,|we're not really gonna actually do that.
- We were just flapping our gums.|- Oh, yeah.
You kill me, burgundy.
Let me just grab this.|Oh, sorry about that.
- Whammy.|- Hmm.
- Uh, champ?|- Yeah.
You're trying to touch|my breasts, aren't you?
What can i say?|I like the way you're put together.
What do you say|we go out on a date?
Have some chicken,|maybe some sex.
You know,|see what happens?
Oh, let me get this|over here.
- (groans)|- Sorry.
Oh, there it is.
I'll give this|little cookie an hour
before we're doing|the no-pants dance.
- (chuckles)|- Time to musk up.
Ron: Wow.
It never ceases to amaze me.
What cologne|you gonna go with?
London gentleman, or...
wait. No, no, no.|Hold on.
Blackbeard's delight.
No, she gets|a special cologne.
It's called sex panther|by odeon.
- (snarling)|- It's illegal in nine countries.
Yep, it's made with bits|of real panther.
- So you know it's good.|- It's quite pungent.
Oh yeah.
It's a formidable scent.
It stings the nostrils.
- In a good way.|- Yep.
I'll be honest with you.|That smells like pure gasoline.
They've done studies,|you know.
60 % of the time,|it works every time.
That doesn't make sense.
Well...
let's go see if we can|make this little kitty purr.
(snarls)
Hey, sweet cheeks. Got an invite|i'd like to extend your way.
My god.
(sniffs)|What is that smell?
- (man coughs)|- Oh!
That's the smell|of desire, milady.
God, no, it smells like...
like a used diaper|filled with indian food.
Oh!|Excuse me.
Desire smells like that|to some people.
What is that? Smells like a turd|covered in burnt hair!
- (groaning)|- (retching)
- (woman shrieks)|- (man yelling)
It smells like|bigfoot's dick!
- (woman screams)|- Oh.
Man:|Oh, hell, that's rank!
(fire alarm ringing)
Oh, what's that smell?
This is worse than the time|the raccoon got in the copier.
Yeah.
It's very distracting.
- When we get to the pet shop...|- cough!
Look over here.
Excuse me, veronica.
Yes, what is it, brick?
I would like|to extend to you
an invitation|to the pants party.
Excuse me?
The party.|The pants...
with the pants.|Party with pants?
Brick, are you saying
that there's a party in|your pants and i'm invited?
That's it.
Hmm. Did brian tell you|to say this, brick?
No...|yes, he did.
Okay. No, i don't want to go|to a party in your pants.
Very well.|Lan?
Would you like to go|to a party in my pants?
No, brick.
All right. Let's go!
- All right, now...|- (loud crash)
I'm telling you,|she is a real ball-buster.
A real ice queen.
Mm. I just|burned my tongue.
The only way|to bag a classy lady
is to give her two tickets|to the gun show...
and see if she likes|the goods.
(ron grunts)
1,001.
1,002.|(grunts)
- Uh, mr. Burgundy?|- 1,003.
Helen said that you|needed to see me?
Oh, miss corningstone.
(grunts)|I wasn't expecting company.
(grunting)
Just doing my workout.
Tuesday's arms and back.
- You asked me to come by, sir.|- Oh, did i?
Yes.
(grunting)
Oh, it's the deep burn!
Oh, it's so deep.|(grunts)
I can barely lift my right|arm 'cause i did so many.
I don't know if you heard me counting.|I did over 1,000.
You have your ubulus muscle
that connects|to the upper dorsinus.
It's boring,|but it's part of my life.
I'm just gonna grab this shirt,|if you don't mind.
Just watch out for the guns.|They'll get you.
You are pathetic.
This has to be|the feeblest
pickup attempt|that i have ever encountered.
I expected it from the rest of them,|mr. Burgundy, but not from you.
Wait a minute!|L... pickup attempt?
I'm offended.
I have little time|to get to the gym,
so i have to sculpt|my guns at the office.
Oh, stop calling|your arms "guns."
Look.
My plan was to ask you
if i could squire you|about town
as one professional|helping another professional,
because i know what it's like|to be lonely in a new city.
- Really?|- Yes.
But now i am too hurt.
And shocked and offended
and... and hurt.
I could do that.
Really?
Well, yes.
As a journalist,|i should get to know
the city|that i'm covering.
- But this is not a date.|- No, of course not.
- Strictly professional.|- Wonderful.
- Hmm.|- Great.
Shall i pick you up
8:00?
Mm, 9:00.
(clears throat)
Downstairs?
Mr. Burgundy, you have|a massive erection.
Really?|(laughs)
Yes, i do.|Um...
i'm sorry, it's the...
- it's the pleats.|- Mm.
It's actually|an optical illusion.
It's the pattern|on the pants.
It's not flattering|in the crotchal region.
I'm actually|taking them back right now.
Taking them back|to the pants store.
Oh, this is awkward.
I'm gonna walk...
i'm gonna walk|this situation off
and i will see you later.|Nothing to look at.
Go back to work, everyone.
Don't act like|you're not impressed.
Don't look at me right now.
I'm walking around the office.
My new walk.
I have a situation right now|i'm trying to walk off.
Frame up two.
- Let's go to brian fantana live...|- gimme a tighter one on two.
...with a channel 4|news exclusive.
Brian?
Panda watch.|The mood is tense.
I have been on some|serious, serious reports,
but nothing like this.
L... l... ching...|king is inside now.
I tried to get an interview,|but they said, "you can't.
He's a live bear. He will|literally rip your face off."
Hey! You're making me|look stupid!
Get out here!|Panda jerk!
Great story.|Compelling and rich.
(theme music plays)
That's gonna do it for all|of us at channel 4 news.
You stay classy,|san diego.
I'm ron burgundy?
Damn it! Who typed a question mark|on the teleprompter?
For the last time, anything|you put on that prompter,
burgundy will read.
Oh, god,|this is a mistake.
This is a mistake.
He's very cute. Very cute.|No, he's not. He's hairy.
There she is!|Veronica!
My little china doll.
I am full of it tonight.
Oh, silly. Hi.
You look ravishing.
It truly is beauty|and the beast.
(chuckles)
I might add|a handsome beast at that.
Are you ready|for our rendezvous?
It's not a date.
No, strictly professional.
Doesn't mean|we can't have fun.
- Shall we?|- Yes.
San diego.
Mm! Drink it in.
It always|goes down smooth.
(both chuckle)
What a beautiful view,|mr. Burgundy.
I know. I love this city.|It's a...
it's a fact.
It's the greatest city|in the history of mankind.
(laughs)
Discovered by the germans|in 1904.
They named it san diago,
which of course in german|means a whale's vagina.
N... no, there's|no way that's correct.
I'm sorry.|I was trying to impress you.
Oh.
I don't know what it means.
I'll be honest. I don't think anyone|knows what it means anymore.
Scholars maintain that|the translation was lost
hundreds of years ago.
Doesn't it mean|saint diego?
No. No.
No, that's...|that's what it means.
Really.
Well, agree to disagree.
May i take your order?
Yes, i am going to have|three fingers of glenlivet
with a little bit of pepper,|and, uh, some cheese.
Very good.
A manhattan,|and kick the vermouth
in the side with a pair|of steel-toed boots.
- Certainly.|- Thank you, scott.
Thank you.
Wow.|Quite a drink order.
Oh, well, when in rome.|(chuckles)
Yes?
Please, go on.
Uh, do as the romans do?
It's an old expression.
Oh! I've never heard of it.
- Oh.|- It's wonderful, though.
(chuckling)|Mr. Burgundy.
- Tino! How are you?|- So good to see you.
You're looking fantastic.
Tino, veronica.
Veronica.|What a pretty girlfriend.
- Drinks are on tino tonight.|- No, no, no.
We're work associates.|I work at the station.
- I'm a journalist.|- Oh, okay. This is a good guy.
Tino's the finest|club owner in the city.
- My best friend, right?|- Yes.
Yes, we have a saying|in my country about people like him.
"The coyote of the desert
always likes to eat|the heart of the young,
where the blood drips down to children|for breakfast, lunch and dinner,
- only the ribs will be broken in two."|- Tino.
Okay. Well, mr. Burgundy,|we will be honored
if you will play|"yazz" flute for us.
- I can't.|- Please.
- (sighs)|- You play jazz flute?
- I dabble.|- Oh.
Would everyone love to hear|ron burgundy play "yazz" flute?
- Man: Get it goin', ronnie!|- Tino: Yes! Please.
You, on stage now.
Okay, i guess i can play|a little ditty.
- Honestly, i'm...|- come on.
- Give him a hand.|- I'm not prepared. Not at all.
- Yeah!|- This is a surprise, i'll tell you.
(chuckles)
Guys, "east harlem|shakedown," e flat?
Keep the cymbals splashy,
and, jay, let's take|the bass line for a walk.
(sputtering)|Hold on.
I'm not hearing it right.|Hold on.
(playing)
We got it now.|It's all right.
Woman:|Fire up, ronnie!
Little "ham and eggs" comin' at you.|Hope you got your griddles.
(grunts)
(grunts)
That's baby-makin' music,|that's what that is.
- Let's go!|- (microphone feedback)
(gasps)
(plays "aqualung" riff)
Hey, aqualung!
(cheering)
Thank you.
Thank you!
(laughing)
You were amazing.
Mm. Thank you.
Where did you learn|to play like that?
Well, jazz flute
has always been a small|passion of mine.
So what other passions|do you have, mr. Burgundy?
Well, i have one|great passion that...
that lives deep|within my loins, like a...
like a flaming golden hawk:
To one day|become a network anchor.
Well, believe it or not,
we share the same dream.
I too want to be|an network anchor.
God, you are so beautiful.
- (upholstery squeaks)|- (veronica pants)
We really|should be going.
I swore that i would never|get involved with a coworker.
Wait.
What if, just for tonight,|we weren't coworkers?
We were co-people?
- I don't...|- shh.
You be a woman.
I'll be a man.
That's all.
Oh.
You continue to surprise|me, mr. Burgundy.
(moaning)
Oh, i'm storming your castle|on my steed, milady.
(moaning)
(both moaning)
Oh, mi corazón|es en fuego!
Julio, fuego,|fuego, fuego!
Wait, stop.|Stop talking like that.
- I can't understand you.|- Sorry.
(barks)
Take me to pleasure town!
- Oh, we're going there!|- Oh!
Love is like candy|on a shelf
you want to taste|and help yourself...
i friggin' love you!
I friggin' love you back!
Help yourself,|take a few
that's what|i want you to do...
look! The most glorious|rainbow ever!
Oh, do me on it!
Just say the word|and they are yours...
- (horses whinny)|- Whee!
In my heart your smile|has opened up the door
the greatest wealth|that exists in the world.
Mmm.
Well done, sir.
(both sigh)
Tip of the cap to you as well,|miss corningstone.
(snickers)
(growls)
I'm having very strong feelings|for you, mr. Burgundy.
Mm.
But it's very important to me|that i be viewed as a professional.
- Right.|- Hmm.
When in rome.
Yeah.
That, uh, expression
doesn't really apply|to what i'm talking about.
- Oh, i'm...|- what i was saying.
I still don't quite|understand what it means.
Oh, no.|You'll find it.
(both chuckle)
No, i was saying that,
if we continue|seeing each other,
that we should keep it|relatively quiet around the station.
Absolutely,
my wild love tigress.
(both growl)
Tasteful discretion|is the name of the game.
Mm-hmm.
Veronica corningstone|and i had sex,
and now we are in love!
Did i say that loud?
Yeah, you pretty much|yelled it.
Well, i can't help it.
It's fantastic!
- What's it like, ron?|- The intimate times?
Outta sight, my man!
No. The other thing.
Love.
Yeah.|What is that?
Well, it's tough to explain.
- I think i was in love once.|- Really, what was her name?
I don't remember.
That's not a good start,|but keep going.
She was brazilian.
Or chinese,|or something weird.
I met her in the bathroom|of a k-mart,
and we made out for hours.
Then we parted ways,|never to see each other again.
I'm pretty sure|that's not love.
Damn it!
I love...
carpet.
I love desk.
Are you just looking at things|in the office and saying you love them?
I love lamp.
Do you really love the lamp,|or are you saying it because you saw it?
I love lamp!|I love lamp.
You really want to know|what love is?
- Yeah.|- Yes, tell us.
More than anything|in the world.
Well, it's really|quite simple.
It's kind of like...
gonna find my baby,|gonna hold her tight
gonna grab|some afternoon delight
my motto's always been|"when it's right, it's right"
why wait until the middle|of a cold, dark night
when everything's a little|clearer in the light of day
and we know the night
is always gonna|be there anyway?
Thinkin' of you's|working up my appetite
lookin' forward|to a little afternoon delight
rubbin' sticks and stones together|make the sparks ignite
and the thought of lovin' you|is getting so exciting
sky rockets in flight
- boo!|- Afternoon delight...
- whoop!|- You guys have it, i think.
Afternoon delight.
I don't know, ron.|That sounds kinda crazy.
Sounds like you have|mental problems, man.
- Yeah, you got mental problems, man.|- Yeah, he really does.
Man.
Afternoon delight.
- Wanna make a phone call.|- Freshen this up.
Oh, look out.|Next up, it's whiskerus maximus.
He's ready to do battle|in the arena
against the tiniest lion|you've ever imagined.
(laughing)
I'm getting some great stuff,|miss corningstone.
Shut up.
Oh, i hate cats.
Let's just do my sign-off|and get outta here.
It was quite a show|down here at the pet shack.
Just for today, fashion curiosity|did not kill the cat.
I'm veronica corningstone|for channel 4 news.
That was our newest reporter,|veronica corningstone.
She's really great.
I'd also like to share with you|that we are currently dating
and that she is quite|a handful in the bedroom.
- (theme music plays)|- Uh...
that's gonna do it|for all of us here at 6:00.
For the channel 4 news team,|i'm ron burgundy.
You stay classy,|san diego.
Man: All clear.
Ron: Uh-oh.
I might be in trouble|on that one.
I can't believe that you said|that we were dating on the air.
Mmm! Mmm.|That is good fondue.
Don't you get it, ron?|I wanna be an anchor.
That is never gonna happen|if everyone in san diego
thinks that i'm|your bimbo gal pal.
I don't know what to say.
I just...|i got excited.
I just wanted to shout it|from on top of a mountain.
But i didn't have a mountain.|I had a newsroom and a camera.
(sighs)|Look.
I report the news.|That's what i do.
And today's top story,|in ron burgundy's world,
read something like this:
I love veronica corningstone.
Oh, ron.
Ron:|This is nice, gang, sittin' here.
- Brian: Oh, yeah.|- Ron: Brown baggin' it.
The team pancake breakfast is tomorrow|morning at 9:00 instead of 8:00.
Oh! Almost forgot.
I won't be able|to make it, fellas.
Veronica and i are trying|this new fad called,
uh, jogging.
I believe it's jogging or yogging.|It might be a soft "j."
I'm not sure,|but apparently you just run
for an extended period|of time.
- It's supposed to be wild.|- So ron's not coming?
No, ron's coming.
It's the pancake breakfast.|We do it every month.
I realize that.
Sometimes you gotta look yourself|in the mirror and say, "when in rome."
The bottom line is,
you've been spending|a lot of time with this lady.
You're a member of|the channel 4 news team.
- That's a given.|- We need you.
Hell, i need you.
I'm a mess without ya.
I miss you|so damn much.
I miss being with you.
I miss being near you.|I miss your laugh.
(anguished laugh)
(chuckles)
I miss...|i miss your scent.
(sniffing)|I miss your musk.
- (clears throat)|- When this all gets sorted out,
i think you and me should|get an apartment together.
Just take it easy, champ.
Why don't you stop talking|for a while?
Maybe sit the next|couple of plays out.
You know what i mean?
Yeah, i'm gonna quit|sayin' things
when they crop up|in the ol' skull, huh?
See what it's like|when you're not here?
You're our leader.|Look what you're doing to the group.
Champ's been a mess.|Brick can't sleep at night.
- (chuckles)|- Here's the thing,
i don't trust this chick.
We need you around,|and she is just using you.
Everyone, just relax.|All right?
Believe me, if there's one thing|ron burgundy knows, it's women.
Okay, and veronica corningstone,|she's just...
she's just dying|to quit her job
so that she can take care|of me and have babies.
(door opening, closing)
Hey, gang.
Papa's home.
Oh, honey.
I am so glad you're home.
My alabaster doll.
Gentlemen.
You look great.
No eye contact!
(laughs)
Oh, darling.
I've spent all day|cleaning your emmys
and preparing dinner|in the nude.
Oh, let's make whoopie.
And then i'm going to go drinking|with the news team for two days.
Wonderful.|Wonderful!
Ow!
Bite it!|Bite it!
- Oh, yes!|- Oh, yeah!
You are a bad boy.
I'm bad. I need to go|to the principal's office.
I love my life.
I don't know, ron.
Guess what.|I do.
I know that one day, veronica|and i are gonna get married
on top of a mountain.
And there's going|to be flutes playing
and trombones and flowers
and garlands of fresh herbs.
And we will dance|till the sun rises.
And then our children|will form a family band.
And we will tour|the countryside,
and you won't be invited!
I'm telling you, this lady has really|crawled into ron's head.
(wheezing laugh)
Good.|Good one!
Oh, okay.|I understand.
You have a nice day,|sir. Bye.
Um, i could come back|later, mr. Harken.
No, no, no.
It's just parent stuff.
It seems that our youngest,|chris, was
on something called acid
and was firing|a bow and arrow into a crowd.
- Mm.|- You know how kids are.
Oh. Right.
Anyhoo, what can|i do you for?
Well, mr. Harken,
i feel like i have proven|myself as a journalist
and that i deserve|the opportunity
to take on more|challenging stories.
Well, ask|and you shall receive.
Ah, yes, this just|came across my desk.
Here is a story|of a 103-year-old woman
who claims to have a recipe|for the world's greatest meat loaf.
Ooh, now that's|a hot lead.
Narrator:|It was very hard for veronica.
But she was a pro|and hung tough.
But soon, with a simple act|of littering,
everyone's life|would change forever.
Ron:|La la la la la.
(humming)
(humming)
Oh, baxter, you are|my little gentleman
i'll take you|to foggy london town
because you are what?
My little gentleman.
This burrito is delicious,|but it is filling.
- (tires screeching)|- Ron: Whoa!
Antony and cleopatra!
(groaning)
(groaning continues)
Goddamn son of...
what the hell, bro'?
Hello, neighbor.
Did you just throw a burrito|out your window?
I believe i did.
Are you high or something?|Did you see what happened?
I did. That was a terrific spill.|That's quite a raspberry.
That's my chopper|you just thrashed, broseph.
Easy, compadre. I'm your|friend out here, all right?
I want you to fix my chopper|before i stomp your goofy ass!
If you want|to throw down, fine.
I've got jack johnson|and tom o'leary waiting for you.
You destroyed|the only thing i love.
All right? There it is.|What do you love?
I love poetry.
And a glass of scotch.
And, of course,|my friend baxter here.
Well, guess what.|Now this is happenin'.
Excuse me. Excuse me.|What are you doing?
- (splashes)|- That's how i roll.
Baxter!|(gasps)
No...!
- Where the hell is he?|- He'll be here.
- I thought he was mr. Dependable.|- It's not like ron.
I'd put brick on, but unless he's|tracking a storm front, he's useless.
- Excuse me, gentlemen.|- Oh. Hello.
Just want you to know if ron does not|show up, i am ready to go on.
You and i have had this discussion|a million times.
There's never been|a woman anchor.
Mr. Harken,
- this city needs its news.|- Oh.
You're gonna deprive them|of that because i have breasts?
Exquisite breasts?
I am gonna go on,|and if you want to stop me, bring it on.
Because i am good|at three things:
Fighting, screwing|and reading the news.
I've already done one of those today,|so what's the other one gonna be?
Uh...
screwing?
(grunts)
I will be in makeup.
Jesus, she's terrifying!
- Fantana.|- (wailing)
Ron, are you okay?
The man punted baxter!
- (wailing)|- Calm down.
Breathe, ron,|breathe.
The man that loved|the motorcycle!
What did the bad man do?
The motorcycle on the bridge!|I hit him with a burrito!
- Ron!|- He took him!
He took him with his foot|and he kicked him!
That's what he did!
Someone punted him?
No, wait. Wait.|Let me say something.
Let me say something.|(wailing)
- What?|- (wailing)
L... i don't... i didn't|understand one word you said.
Ron, are you okay?|Ron?
(wailing)
Ron.|Where are you?
I'm in a glass case|of emotion!
He's gonna put|corningstone on.
He's gonna|put corningstone on!
I've got to do the news!
(ed snickers)
(clears throat)
You're not ron.
We're on in 10.|Good luck, lady.
Ready the announce.
(clears throat)
- Power.|- Roll in.
Power.|Power.
One slip,
and you're gone.|Whammy.
Announcer:|And your reporter in the field,
brian fantana.
It's channel 4 news|at 6:00.
(clears throat)
Good evening.|Ron burgundy is off tonight.
I'm veronica corningstone.
Tonight's top story:
- Okay, we're off and running.|- Three armed men
wearing ski masks made off with over|$20,000 from an area bank
in a daring|early morning robbery.
Hey!
And the winner of the frog-leaping|contest was hoppy,
with a jump|of seven feet, 10 inches.
Hmm.
I used to date a guy named hoppy down|in alabama. He was quite a jumper, too.
(laughing)
That will do it|for us at 6:00.
From all of us here|at channel 4 news,
i'm veronica corningstone,
and thanks|for stopping by, san diego.
- (applause)|- All clear!
Yes! Yes!
Lady! Lady!
Not bad, miss corningstone.|Not bad at all.
Thank you, mr. Harken.|That felt good.
- That felt really good.|- I liked your sign-off line, too.
You did? It just came through me.|It was so organic.
Veronica:|Thank you.
(grunting)
Oh, ron! Ron!|Ron, darling!
I'm so glad you're|all right. Oh, god.
I have something|magnificent to tell you.
I'm here.|We can do the news now.
It's all right, everyone!|We can do the news.
Hold on. Why are we all standing around?|Let's go!
Ron, we did it.|Veronica filled in for you.
What?
Sweetheart, we were|so worried about you,
and we waited as long|as we could, but...
darling, i did the news,|and i nailed it. I nailed it.
Wait, wait! Veronica, please,|tell me this is some kind
of sick, tasteless joke.
You weren't here.|Why are you being this way?
Why can't you|be proud of me
as a peer and as|my gentleman lover?
Oh, jeez.
I can't believe|you did this to me!
You read my news!
I told you that i wanted|to be an anchor.
I told you that.
I thought you were kidding!
I thought it was a joke!
I even wrote it down|in my diary!
"Veronica had|a very funny joke today."
I laughed at it|later that night!
I can't believe|that i cared for you.
Get out! Just go!
We are through!|Through!
Because of your actions,|you scorpion woman!
You have broken my heart,|mr. Burgundy.
You have broken my heart.
Narrator:|From there on out,
things just got worse|for ron burgundy.
Corningstone was a star,
and everything started|to move awfully fast
- after her big break.|- Where's lan? Lan!
Ed:|All right, i got a call from network.
It looks like|our broadcast last night
received a two-point|ratings boost,
and the decision|has been passed down
to make veronica|our co-anchor.
- What?|- No. No!
No!
- No!|- No!
- No!|- This is wonderful.
Ed, come here,|you big silly man. You big silly man.
- We did it.|- What is this, amateur hour?
- That's great.|- Thank you.
- Sunshine, go away today...|- damn it!
I don't feel much like dancing
some man's gone,|he's trying to run my life
don't know what he's asking
when he tells me|i better get in line
i can't hear|what he's sayin'
when i grow up|i'm gonna make it mine
these ain't dues...
what brian didn't tell you
was that those|were not real pirates.
- They looked convincing, though.|- Oh, yes.
Well, for all of us here|at channel 4 news,
i'm ron burgundy.
You stay classy,|san diego.
And thanks|for stopping by.
But mainly stay classy.
- Thanks for stopping by.|- Stay classy, i'm ron burgundy.
- Thanks for stopping by.|- Stay classy.
- Ron burgundy.|- (clears throat)
You are a real hooker,|and i'm gonna slap you in public.
(chuckles)
You have way|too much pubic hair.
Actually, that's a point of pride.
I'm very proud of my mane|of pubic hair, so thank you.
You have man boobs.|(chuckling)
You've got a dirty,|whorish mouth.
I'm gonna punch you|in the ovary.
- A straight shot.|- Ooh, ow.
Right to the baby-maker.
Ah, jazz flute|is for little fairy boys.
Okay, you know what?|That's uncalled for.
I can't work with this woman.|It's terrible.
- (phone ringing)|- It's ringing.
Veronica corningstone.
Hello, veronica,|this is mike rithjin
from the network.|You've just been promoted.
You're gonna need to move|to moscow.
Start cleaning up your desk.
See you in the morning.|We'll pick you up in a van.
What did you say|your name was?
Mike ritnitjun.|It's not important.
Start cleaning your desk,
and we'll pick you up|in the morning.
Tell her she might|want to get a coat.
Hold on. Veronica?|What was it?
Champ:|Tell her to get a coat.
Also, i don't know if you know moscow.|It's pretty cold.
You might want|to buy a coat.
Are you and champ|having a good time, ron?
Are we what?
I can see you, ron.
What?
I can see you.
Okay. Bye-bye.
- What happened?|- She knew it was me.
Announcer:|You're watching channel 4 news
with five-time|emmy award-winning anchor
ron burgundy|and tits mcgee.
Good evening, san diego.|I'm veronica corningstone.
Tits mcgee is on vacation.
And i'm tits...|i'm ron burgundy.
(clears throat)
(phone rings)
- Veronica corningstone.|- This is your doctor.
I have your pregnancy|report here, and guess what.
You got knocked up.|You should probably get out of news.
- Who is this?|- This is dr. Chim.
- Dr. Chim richalds.|- Ron, is this you?
- (laughing)|- I'm a professional doctor.
You saw me.|You don't remember.
- We... you should move.|- (champ laughing)
- Get out of the business.|- This is pathetic.
You're pathetic.
What'd she say?
She... i don't...|i think she bought it.
Champ:|She's looking this way.
- Oh, uh-oh. Whoa!|- Here she comes.
Ron: I'll tell you what,|it's just not working.
She's making us look like|a bunch of fools.
- Ellen, where's the party?|- (sighs)
Children, grow up.
Son of a bee sting.
She's turning|the entire office against us.
- This is grim. Real grim.|- What are we gonna do?
There's only one thing|a man can do
when he's suffering from a spiritual|and existential funk.
Go to the zoo,|flip off the monkeys?
No. Buy new suits.
All: Yea!
That girl
i'm gonna make her mine|if it takes all night
can you dig it?|Can you dig it?
Can you dig it? Can you dig it?
Where's the suit store?|We've been walking for 45 minutes.
Where's the suit store?|We've been walking for 45 minutes.
Brick, i thought you said|this was a shortcut.
Fantastic.
- Is it a shortcut or not?|- Okay.
Jeez.
(bell jingles)
Hey.
Uh-oh.|Here comes trouble.
(hooting, laughing)
Burgundy and the ladies|went out for a stroll, huh?
(wolf whistle, catcalls)
You boys walkin' around|and talkin' things through?
Keep a tight perimeter.
Yes, sirree.
Well, well, well.
Ron burgundy
and the channel 4|news team.
Where's your mommy?
You back off,|evening news team.
You know,|i understand that, uh,
they had to bring|a female in.
Change your diapers.
Wipe the dribble away|from your bubblin' lips.
Rub vaseline|all over your heinie
and tell you that it's special|and different from everyone else's.
(laughing)
He said "heinie"!
Brick, get back over here!
Heinie!
Does she tuck you in, ronnie?
Give you a little kiss|on your forehead?
Tell you everything's|gonna be okay?
I've had enough|of you, mantooth.
This is gonna end|right here, right now.
Let's dance, dickweed.
You wanna dance, ronnie?
I wanna polka.
Come get a taste.
Brick, where'd you get|a hand grenade?
I don't know.
All right.|Let's do this!
Hey!
If you're gonna have a fight,
then don't forget|channel 2 news with me,
lead anchor frank vitchard.
You dirtbags have been|in third place for five years.
Yeah? Well, you're about|to be in dead place.
Not so fast, you ingrates!
Public news team is taking|a break from its pledge drive
to kick some ass.
No commercials!|No mercy!
(yelling)
(rattling)
Cómo están, pinches!
Spanish language news is here.
Tonight's top story:
The sewers run red|with burgundy's blood.
Hyah! Hyah!
(whooping)
Well looks like we got|ourselves a bilingual bloodfest.
Now, before we do this,|let's go over the ground rules.
(snarling)
Rule number one:
No touching|of the hair or face.
Of course.
And that's it!
Now let's do this!
- Begin!|- (shouting)
(screaming)
- (screams)|- (chuckles)
I'm gonna straight-up|murder your ass!
- Blade!|- Here you go, mate!
Ahh! God!
Oh! I did not|see that coming!
Oh! Aaah!
- Now i'll be number one.|- No, you won't!
- (sirens wailing)|- Policía!
Boy, that escalated quickly.
I mean, that really|got out of hand fast.
- It jumped up a notch.|- It did, didn't it?
Yeah, i stabbed|a man in the heart.
I saw that.|Brick killed a guy.
- Did you throw a trident?|- Yeah.
There were horses and a man on fire|and i killed a guy with a trident.
I've been meaning|to talk to you about that.
Find yourself a safe house|or a relative close by.
Lay low for a while, because you're|probably wanted for murder.
I'm proud of you fellas.
You kept your head|on a swivel.
That's what you gotta do when|you're in a vicious cockfight.
Can you believe mantooth and|the channel 9 evening news team?
"Where's your mommy?|Someone's gotta change your diapers."
This corningstone business|is really hurting our rep.
I know exactly|what you mean, brian.
Every newsman in this city's|laughing at us.
- And i don't like it.|- I don't like the put-downs.
We're gonna do|something about it.
It is time to put|an end to this!
Last time i looked, my name's ron|burgundy. What's your name?
- Brian fantana.|- Champ kind.
- Brian fantana.|- No, you're brick.
- Brian.|- I'm brian.
Veronica.
Ron on tv:|And i've shown you, old man!
Garth, i need to look at these tapes|for a potential lead.
Ron's using the machine
to play his local emmy|acceptance speech from last year.
I tried to ask her|out on a date.
Turn the music off!|I'm still talking!
- This is ridiculous!|- I don't remember doing it.
- Excuse me.|- What are you doing?
I need this machine so i can|watch a tape for a story.
I'm using the tape.
I'm showing jeffrey|my emmy tape.
We are watching history.
Mr. Burgundy,|i'm a professional,
and i would like|to be able to do my job.
Big deal!|I am very professional!
Mr. Burgundy,|you are acting like a baby.
I'm not a baby, i am a man.|I am an anchorman!
You are not a man.|You are a big fat joke!
I'm a man|who discovered the wheel
and built the eiffel tower|out of metal and brawn.
That's what|kind of man i am.
You're just a woman|with a small brain.
With a brain a third the size of us.|It's science.
I will have you know|that i have more talent
and more intelligence|in my little finger
than you do|in your entire body, sir!
You are a smelly|pirate hooker!
You look like a blueberry.
Why don't you go back|to your home on whore island?
Well, you have bad hair.
(onlookers gasp)
What did you say?
I said
your hair
looks stupid.
(screaming)
- Let 'em work it out!|- It's between the two of them!
(screaming)
They're just talking.|Just talking.
- I hate you!|- I hate you more!
(screaming)
(veronica yells)
Ow!
- (screaming)|- Shut up! Shut up!
All right, stop!
Stop what you're doing|right now!
I will not have|my newsroom be divided.
Ah! Knights of columbus,|that hurts!
Veronica:|I was like, "who is that guy?"
(laughing)
I just can't believe|what ron did to you.
It is so awful.
Yes.
Have you ever thought|about fighting fire
with fire?
What do you mean?
I have some information|that you can choose to use or not use.
Up to you.
Ron burgundy
will read anything|that is put on that teleprompter.
And when i say anything,
i mean an-y-thing.
Arnold, cue one.
After the fotomat|was destroyed,
the bear scampered|back into the woods.
Apparently he wasn't too happy|with his color prints.
- Oh.|- (chuckles)
From the entire|channel 4 news team,
i'm veronica corningstone.
And i'm ron burgundy.
Go fuck yourself,|san diego.
(shrieks)
- (cup clatters)|- (gasps)
What in the name...
no!
Nobody talks about|my city that way!
Ron burgundy's ass|is grass!
(humming)
Nice work, everyone.|Sharp broadcast.
Really good.|Everyone on the floor as well.
Really a lot of hustle.|I liked it.
- (phone ringing)|- Dump out! Dump out!
(humming)|Hello, edward.
- Ron, i've got to fire you.|- I've got to fire you.
Bing, bong, bong.|You're fired, ed.
Do you even know|what you just said?
(gasps)|Great odin's raven!
Are you happy, ron?
Veronica.|She put that in the teleprompter.
You're probably right,|but this is bad, ron. Real bad.
My hands are tied. L...
i gotta fire you.
Ed, let's hold on.|Let's count to 10.
That's a rash decision.|Is this about something else?
Ed, there's 300|very angry san diego-ites.
San diego-ins.|San diego-uns.
- San dieg-ons.|- San diegans.
San diegans out|in front of the station.
They want ron's blood.
They want to hurt you.
Why did you say that? Why?
(sobbing)|Why, ron? Why?
You're my hero, ron.
Garth, l...
and you come out|with stink like that poop!
You poop mouth!|Get all the poop out of your mouth!
If i were to give you money out|of my wallet, would that ease the pain?
I hate you, ron burgundy!|I hate you!
Ron? Ron! I never|wanted it to be like this.
I can't believe you did this to me!|Are you happy?
No, ron, i'm not!|It was supposed to be a joke.
I mean, it's still kind of funny.
But it's not.
I have nothing left!|Nothing!
I've been reduced to rubble!
Don't you know i would|never say the word fuck?
I would never fucking|ever fucking say that!
Ever!
Let's go. These people|are about to pull you apart.
I'm sorry. Get your hands|off him, you bastards!
Don't you know i would|never say fuck?
- Fuck!|- Move.
No! No!
Mr. Burgundy, you should|be ashamed of yourself.
- Please, l...|- you're an awful man!
You are truly a disappointment|to us all, mr. Burgundy!
Narrator:|Bob dylan once wrote,
"the times,|they are a-changin'."
Ron burgundy|had never heard that song.
So when he fell, he fell hard.
Announcer:|It's channel 4 news at 6:00!
Good evening, san diego.
I'm lead anchor|veronica corningstone.
Tonight's top story:|An ultrasound of ling wong,
the most famous panda|in the world,
shows that her baby|is doing quite well.
- No!|- (ringing)
Ron burgundy, stay classy.|(clears throat)
Hello, this is ron.
Hello.
Who's there?|I'm talking. Hello.
Who is this?
Baxter, is that you?
Baxter!
Bark twice|if you're in milwaukee.
Is this wilt chamberlain?
Have the courage|to say something. Hello!
Hello!
(yells)
Oh, tino, thank you|for letting me come in here.
I'm glad i can still|get a good meal.
Yeah sure. Here you are,|the chef made this special for you.
You eat that for the way|you talk about my city.
I will not eat that.
You're going to eat|that cat poo.
I will not eat cat poop.
- You will eat cat poo.|- Ron burgundy says no!
You make a fool of me|and everyone here.
You put that cat poo|in your mouth.
- No!|- Yes!
- No!|- Sí!
- I will not eat cat poop.|- You will do it immediately!
- No!|- You will!
- Fine, i'll try to eat one...|- get in there.
If i take one bite will|you get me a steak?
If i take one bite of shit|will you bring me a steak?
I'll think about it.
Yeah, get in there.
- Yeah, start with the end.|- I am so hungry.
- There.|- Oh god!
A steak. A big steak|for him, please.
No!|I had one bite.
- That's not enough.|- Son of a bitch.
- You like this?|- (ron crying)
Oh, don't cry.|Don't cry.
He's not crying.|He's not crying.
- Don't cry in my...|- i'll eat the shit. I don't care.
I'll eat the entire|hunk of shit.
Okay, just finish it up.
Don't you feel|better now?
Hey, you watch|yourself, mister.
Hey, lady in|the red hat. Yeah.
You smell.
(groaning)
Guys.|Guys, it's me, ron.
Fellas!
Harken said he'd fire us|if we talked to you.
- What?|- I'm sorry.
L... brian!
- It's ronnie!|- Ron!
- Champ!|- Ron!
Champ, come on.|Come on!
Go, brick.
My sweet brick.
Brick, come hug me.|I know you want to.
Ron: I am completely|miserable, san diego!
It's so damn hot!
Milk was a bad choice!
Yes, yes.|Chris, listen to me.
Put down the gun|and let the marching band go.
- We'll play it off as a prank.|- (phone ringing)
We'll straighten it out later.|I'm getting another call.
Ed harken.
What?|Oh, my god!
Listen, everybody, ling wong|the panda is giving birth!
Get corningstone|over there right away!
The network|is picking up the feed.
I want a shot|of that panda being born!
This is ted nightingale,|channel 6 news los angeles,
reporting from|the san diego zoo.
And this is the moment
the entire world|has been waiting for.
I can only speculate|as to the sex of the panda,
but if i had to guess,|i'd say female.
- Excuse me. Press.|- Hey, lady, watch it.
Excuse me, i'm press.|Thank you. What do you got?
Nothing. All i can see|is a blue curtain.
Veronica:|Oh, damn it.
Go over there and see|if you can get a shot. I'll go this way.
Hey, lady, why don't you|go fetch me a sandwich?
- (laughing)|- Okay, i'll go get your sandwich.
Then i'll show you the ratings where|you're number two to a woman.
Ouch. Don't lose|any more hair over it.
- Whatever.|- We're live, mr. Mantooth.
Good afternoon,|san diego.
We're here today to celebrate|the birth of a panda.
Sky rockets in flight
afternoon delight
af...|(raspberry)
I make fart noises|with my mouth
(raspberry)
- And i like to cut...|- hey, nut job!
Quit the singin'!
Creeping out|all the regulars.
I'm expressing my inner anguish|through the majesty of song!
Look, drunkie, you been|coming in here every day,
stinking up the joint|with your craziness.
Now, what the hell|is wrong with you?
I got no heart!
Because a she-devil stole it!
You know what the worst|part about it is?
She's better than me!
She's better than me.
You know, times are changing.
Ladies can do stuff now.
You're gonna have to learn|how to deal with that.
What?|Were you saying something?
Look, i don't|speak spanish.
Ah.
Scotty.
Scotty, i have the shot.
Scotty. Scotty!
(clear throat)|Hey, uh,
that is some fantastic|shot you got there.
The kind of shot that gets you|to the top of network news.
- Oh, well, we hope.|- We at public television,
we're really down|with the woman's lib thing.
That is so refreshing to me.
Because the struggle i've...|(screams)
- Howie, we have the shot.|- (veronica grunts)
Up a little.|Up, up.
Oh.|You son of a bitch!
Shh!
Don't want to wake up|your friends.
(veronica groaning)
(grunts, shrieks)
(snoring)
(hushed)|Help!
- Simply vanished.|- How do you lose your lead anchor?
- I can't find corningstone.|- Where the hell is she?
- No one's seen her.|- I can't believe this.
Every news outlet in the world|is looking for coverage on this.
I've got no damn lead anchor!
Damn it! Get me a phone.
I can't believe|i'm about to do this.
(phone rings)
Rocky's,|bar, grill, fine dining.
- Is there an anchorman there?|- Hold on.
This is killing me.|I'd rather slit my throat.
- Hello?|- Hello?
- Is this ron?|- Who is this?
- It's me. Ed.|- Who?
- Ed harken.|- I don't know a ned.
- Ed harken!|- Ed!
- Ed, hello.|- Listen, ron.
Corningstone disappeared in the midst|of the biggest story of the year.
We need you down here|right away.
Wait, ed.
Does this mean you're asking me|to report the news again?
- Yes.|- Ed!
That's wonderful!|Thank you!
Ed, hold on.|I want to say a few words.
- You have always been a good friend!|- Right.
- Always!|- Right.
(blubbering)
Get down here|as quickly as you can.
Ed, i'll be down there.
And i'm going to look good.
Good evening.|I'm ron burgundy.
Damn!|That dude cleans up good!
If i'm gonna do this, i'll need|my news team at my side.
(breathing deep)
(resounding)
Ron:|News team!
Assemble!
(horn echoing)
News team, assemble!
(echoing)
Hey, ron.
What's up?
Oh.
Hi.|Didn't see you there.
We've been here literally|the entire time you have.
I'm a little embarrassed.
(sighs)|Look.
I just got the call from harken.|He wants me back.
But i can't do this|without my news team.
I don't know, ron.
That was half a lifetime ago.|We're different people now.
When you left,|the hurt was so deep.
I don't know if i can|go through that again.
Think about|what you're asking.
(babbles)|Man.
Gentlemen,
there was a time
when you called me|your lead anchor.
Will you follow me again?
I'm gettin' too old|for this shit.
To the news van!
- To the news van!|- Okay!
Ahh!
Well, i'll be.|Ron burgundy.
He's back!
Gentlemen, let's try|to get in a good position for the story.
- How does the hair look?|- Magnificent.
Champ:|You have hair like an angel.
Oh, whoa, whoa.|Network talent scout.
- Champ: This is a hot one.|- Ron: I'm actually nervous.
- Let's go get 'em.|- (veronica whimpering)
Wait! Did you|just hear something?
- (growling)|- Help.
- Ron, help!|- Veronica!
- Are you okay?|- Shh!
How did you|get down there?
Just go get someone.|Please.
Hold on.|Hold on!
(growling)
We've got to do something.
Whoa, ron, i don't want|to sound cruel, but...
there's a network|talent scout over there.
This is a tough decision.
So much to think about.
Basically the biggest story|of my career,
launching me to a level|i've never known before,
or saving the woman
i used to have|familiar relations with.
This is hard!
I am in a pickle!
Ron, i know|it sounds harsh,
but god does not|want her to live.
No. Hold on.
It's clear now.
We go into the bear pit.
Ron, don't.
(yelling)
(grunts)|Oh!
(growling)
I immediately|regret this decision.
What are you doing?|Why didn't you get help?
Ron:|These bears are massive!
They looked|a lot smaller from up there.
Fan out.|Let's go find harken.
Stay calm.
It's all right. I think it's all right,|my sweet chinchilla.
- Oh, ron.|- Yes, yes.
In case we die here today,
there's something|that you should know.
That dirty trick|with the teleprompter, it wasn't...
sweet eli whitney's nose!|It wasn't you, was it?
It was wes mantooth.
- Oh, i should have known.|- No, no.
- No, i did it.|- You bitch!
- Shh!|- (bellowing)
You woke the bears.|Why did you do that?
(screaming)
There's somebody|in the bear pit!
(roaring)
It took|my impending death
for me to realize|how much i need you.
Oh, ron.
Those bears|are gonna hurt them!
News team, let's hunt.
News team!
All:|Bear fight!
Come on.|Come on!
(screaming)
Damn!
Hit 'em in the uvula!
Hey, ron!
I'm riding a furry tractor!
The bears have descended|on the news team
and it's not going well.
Clearly, after today,|i will no longer...
come on!|Oh, god!
It's getting to be|ri-goddamn-diculous!
(growling)
Oh, no.
We woke up the mama.
(roaring)
Oh, god!
I don't wanna die.
(barking)
- Ron: Baxter!|- (barking)
(onlookers gasping)
(cheering)
Veronica:|Look! They're following their mother!
Ron:|It's instinct.
Oh, baxter!
Oh! Oh, baxter,|you're still alive!
Oh, i'm so happy!
I'm so happy!|You are alive!
I'm so happy!
(crying)
I will lick you!
I will lick you in front|of everyone to show my joy.
Oh. Ohhh!
Boy, he really|likes that dog.
Burgundy!|Burgundy!
Burgundy! Burgundy!
Burgundy!|Burgundy!
Hi, ron.
It's always a long fall|from the top, isn't it?
Easy, wes.
I've been waiting|to say this to you for a long time.
- All right.|- Deep down in my stomach,
with every inch of me,
i pure, straight
hate you!
(onlookers gasp)
But, god damn it,|do i respect you!
(onlookers sigh)
(cheering)
Thank you,
brother.
Burgundy!|Burgundy!
Today we spell redemption
r-o-n.
Burgundy!|Burgundy!
Woman:|Ron, you're my hero!
Ron, i think you've got|a story to report.
Are you sure, ed?
Do it.
It's the story|you were born to tell.
San diego's waiting.|Go get 'em.
Make way!
Ron burgundy's about|to report on pandas!
Count me down.|Three.
Scotty:|You're live, mr. Burgundy.
This is ron burgundy,
proudly reporting once again|for channel 4 news.
Today's story is one|of the more remarkable things
ever to happen|to san diago
or even the world.
But in order|to properly retell it,
i'm going to need|some help
from my co-anchor,
miss veronica corningstone.
(onlookers cheering)
- High-pressure system...|- no, no, no, no, brick.
- High-pressure system...|- go stand over there.
(cheering, applause)
Oh, ron.
Ron, there are literally|thousands of men
that i should|be with instead,
but i am 72 % sure|that i love you.
(cheering)
Narrator: Yes, redemption|was sweet for ron burgundy.
Yes!|Ron!
- As for the news team:|- Stop it! Ron!
Champ kind went on to become|a commentator for the nfl,
but was later fired|after being accused
of sexual harassment|by terry bradshaw.
Excuse me.
Is that sex panther|you're wearing?
(howls)
Brian fantana went on|to have great success
as the host of the hit|reality tv show
"intercourse island"|on the fox network.
Anyone seen brick?
- Brick?|- Don't! That tickles!
No, that tickles me!|Come on!
Brick tamland|is married with 11 children
and is one of the top|political advisors
to the bush white house.
I'm gonna get you!|I'm gonna get you!
(cheering continues)
And ron and veronica|didn't stay in san diego long.
I chose them|as my replacement,
and they became the first|mixed-gender network news team,
and they're still|doing it today.
From all of us here|at the world news center,
i'm veronica corningstone.
And i'm ron burgundy.
You stay classy, planet earth.
Carry on, my wayward son
there'll be peace|when you are done
lay your weary head|to rest
don't you cry no more...
oh!|Great odin's raven!
Oh!|By the hammer of thor!
Oh!|Saint damien's beard!
Sweet grandmother's spatula!
Oh! Hot pot of coffee!
Uncle jonathan's|corncob pipe!
I'm gonna shoot you with a bb gun|when you're not looking.
In the back of the head.
- I'm sorry.|- (crew laughing)
You're not very bright.|You know that, right?
You're actually|quite a dullard.
Everyone here knows it.
If i'm a dullard,|you're the, uh, the dull...
oh! Can't think of|anything to say, can you?
Yes, i can. I can think|of a lot of things to say.
Like, you're a dirty bitch.
Well, ron, i'm gonna|put poison...
(laughs)|Oh, my god!
(crew laughing)
I drank a lava lamp.|It wasn't lava.
I ate a whole bunch|of fiberglass insulation.
It wasn't cotton candy|like that guy said.
My stomach's itchy.
I pooped a hammer.
I pooped|a tape recorder.
I pooped|a cornish game hen.
Uh...
(laughs)|Nope.
You do not take|a tone with me,
'cause i will give you a rap right|on the jack johnson!
- Okay.|- Yes.
Now this|is happenin'.
What are|you doing?
- Hah!|- What are you doing?
What are you...
action.
We'll go back to doing|what i do best...
i guess we'll go back to doing|what i do best, show off.
When do we|get started?
When do we get started?
- That's my line.|- When do we get started?
You say,|"whenever you like."
- Whenever you like.|- (laughs)
Keep it rollin'.|This is good stuff.
...an area bank|in a daring...
probably not the same one.|Probably not the same guy.
Ron:|Brick, before i let you go,
are you still having your celebrity|golf tournament this summer?
No, too many people|died last year.
So we're not gonna do...|(laughs)
Sorry. Sorry.
They named it|san diego.
Which in german means,|"a whale's vagina."
(laughing)
This is the most|ridiculous thing ever.
Carry on, my wayward son
there'll be peace|when you are done
lay your weary head|to rest
don't you cry
don't you cry no more
(all laughing)
Way to handle him.|That was nice.
It sure is good|to be number one.
It sure beats the hell|out of number two.
We are laughing!
And we are|very good friends.
Good buddies sharing|a special moment.
Don't say anything, ron.|Just let it happen.
We're laughing,|enjoying our friendship.
And someday we'll look back|on this with much fondness.
Yeah.|(sighs)
(laughs)
Yeah.
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Army in the Shadows 1969 CD2
Aro Tolbukhin En la Mente del Asesino (Agustin Villaronga 2002)
Around The World In 80 Days 2004 CD1
Around The World In 80 Days 2004 CD2
Around The World In 80 Days CD1
Around The World In 80 Days CD2
Arsene Lupin
Arsenic And Old Lace 1944
Art Of War The
Artemisia
Arven (2003) CD1
Arven (2003) CD2
As Long As My Feet Will Carry Me CD1
As Long As My Feet Will Carry Me CD2
As bodas de Deus (1998) CD1
As bodas de Deus (1998) CD2
Asambhav
Ascent The
Asphalt Jungle The
Assassins
Asterix In Britain 1986
Asterix and Obelix Mission Cleopatra 2002
Astonishing (2004)
At Close Range
At Kende Sanheden
Atlantis
Atlantis - The Lost Empire
Atlantis Milos Return 2003
Atlantis The Lost Empire
Attack
Attack The Gas Station
Au Hasard Balthazar
Audition The (1999 Japanese)
Austin Powers - International Man Of Mystery
Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged Me
Austin Powers I
Austin Powers in Goldmember
Autumn Sonata 1978
Avalon (2001)
Avanti (1972)
Avassaladoras
Avengers The
Avenging Fist The
Aventuras de Robinson Crusoe Las
Aviator The
Avventura La 1960 CD1
Avventura La 1960 CD2
Awaara CD1
Awaara CD2
Awara Paagal Deewana
Awful Truth The
Azul y Blanco
Azumi 2003 CD1
Azumi 2003 CD2