Apartment The CD2
Come on, Fran. Don't be that way.
Are you just gonna sit there and keep bawling?
You won't talk to me? You won't tell me what's wrong?
I know you think I'm stalling you but... when you've been married for 12 years,...
...you just don't sit down to breakfast and say "Pass the sugar. I want a divorce."
It's not that easy.
Anyway, this is the wrong time. The kids are off school, my in-laws are visiting.
I can't bring it up now.
This isn't like you, Fran. You were always such a good sport. Such fun to be with.
That's me. The happy idiot. A million laughs.
Well, that's a little more like it. At least you're speaking to me.
A funny thing happened to me at the office party today.
I ran into your secretary, Miss Olsen.
You know. Ring-a-ding-ding?
And I laughed so much, I like to died.
Is that what's been bothering you, Fran? Miss Olsen? That's ancient history.
Well, I never was very good at history.
Let me see. There was Miss Olsen, and then there was Miss Rossi.
No, she came before. Miss Koch came after Miss Olsen.
- Now, Fran-- - And just think.
Right now some lucky girl in the building is gonna come after me.
OK. OK, Fran. I guess I deserved that.
But ask yourself: why does a man run around with a lot of girls?
Because he's unhappy at home. Because he's lonely. That's why.
But that was before you, Fran. I've stopped running.
How could I be so stupid? You'd think I would've learned by now.
When you're in love with a married man, you shouldn't wear mascara.
It's Christmas Eve, Fran. Let's not fight, huh?
- Merry Christmas. - What is it?
Oh. Our friend at the Chinese restaurant.
- Thanks, Fran. We'd better keep it here. - Yeah, we'd better.
Oh, I have a present for you.
I didn't know what to get you. Besides, it's kind of awkward for me shopping, so--
Here's $100. You go and buy yourself something.
They have some nice alligator bags at Bergdorf's.
I didn't realise it was so late. It's quarter to seven. I mustn't miss my train.
If we hadn't wasted all this time-- I have to get home and trim the tree.
OK. I just thought, as long as it was paid for--
Don't ever talk like that, Fran.
- Don't make yourself out to be cheap. - $100? I don't call that cheap.
And you must be paying somebody something for the use of the apartment.
Stop it, Fran.
You'll miss your train, Jeff.
Are you coming?
No, you run along. I'm gonna fix my face.
Don't forget to kill the lights. See you Monday.
Sure. Monday... and Thursday...
...and Monday again, and Thursday again.
It won't always be like this, Fran.
I love you.
- Drink up, pop. It's closing time. - But it's early, Charlie.
- Don't you know what night this is? - I know, Charlie. I know.
I work for the outfit.
Hey, knock it off, will ya? Go home.
Where'll we go? My place or yours?
Might as well go to mine. Everybody else does.
Poor Mickey. When I think of him all by himself in that jail in Havana--
Would you like to see his picture?
He's so cute. He's 5 foot 2, 99 pounds.
Like a little Chihuahua.
- Can I ask you a personal question? - No.
You got a girlfriend?
She may be a girl but she is no friend of mine.
- Still stuck on her, huh? - Obviously you don't know me very well.
- I don't know you at all. - Permit me.
CC Baxter. Junior executive, Arthur Murray graduate... lover.
I'm Mrs. MacDougall. Margie to you.
This way, Mrs. MacDougall.
Say! This is snugsville!
Mrs. MacDougall, it's only fair to warn you...
...you are now alone with a notorious sexpot.
- No kiddin'! - Ask anybody around here.
As a matter of fact, when it's time for me to go, and I may go just like that,...
...I have promised my body to the Columbia Medical Center.
Gee! Sort of gives you goose bumps just to think about it.
They haven't got me yet, baby. Dig up some ice from the kitchen.
Let's not waste any more time preliminarywise.
I'm with you, lover.
All right, Miss Kubelik. Get up.
Come on. It's past checking-out time.
The management would appreciate it if you'd get the hell outta here.
I used to like you. I used to like you a lot. Well, it's all over between us, so beat it.
Come on, wake up.
Oh my God.
I broke a nail tryin' to get the tray out.
You oughta buy yourself a new refrigerator.
I didn't mean right now!
There's a girl in my place, took some sleeping pills. I can't wake her up.
- Let me get my bag. - Hurry up!
Hey, over here, lover. What's all the running around about?
You're gonna wear yourself out.
- Not so rough, honey! - Good night.
- Good night?! - The party's over.
What? Did I do somethin' wrong?
It's an emergency. I'll see you some other time.
Not this one. In there, Doc.
- What's goin' on here, anyway? - Will you please just get out?!
Some lover you are! Some sexpot!
Here. Find a phone. Call your husband in Havana.
You bet I will! And when I tell him how you treated me, he'll push your face in!
Is she gonna be all right, Doc?
- How many pills were in that bottle? - It was half-full. About a dozen.
- Do you have to take her to the hospital? - Help me, will you?
- Into the bathroom. - What are you gonna do?
Get that stuff out of her stomach if it isn't too late.
You'd better put some coffee on, and pray.
Bring my bag.
Roll up her right sleeve.
Wanna tell me what happened?
I don't know. I mean, I wasn't even here.
You see, we had... some words earlier.
It was nothin' serious. You might call it a lovers' quarrel.
So you went right out and picked yourself up another dame.
- Something like that. - You know, Baxter, you're a real cutie pie.
Yes, you are.
If you'd come home half an hour later, you'd have had quite a Christmas present.
Get the coffee.
Let's get some air in here. Open the windows.
What's her name?
Miss Kubelik. Fran.
Fran, I'm a doctor. I'm here because you took too many sleeping pills.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
Fran, I'm Dr. Dreyfuss. I'm here to help you.
You took all those sleeping pills. Remember?
- Sleeping pills. - That's right, Fran. And I'm a doctor.
- Doctor? - Dr. Dreyfuss.
Get more coffee.
Now tell me again. What's my name?
And what happened to you?
I took sleeping pills.
Do you know where you are?
- No. - Yes, you do, Fran. Now concentrate!
I don't know.
Do you know who that is?
Look at him.
Mr. Baxter. 19th floor.
Hello, Miss Kubelik.
Mr.? Miss? Such politeness!
We work in the same building. We try to keep it quiet.
What are you doing here?
Don't you remember we were together at the office party?
Oh, yes. The office party.
- Miss Olsen. - That's right.
I told you we had a fight. That was what it was about.
Miss Olsen. That girl that was here earlier.
I don't understand.
The main thing is I got here in time and you're gonna be all right. Isn't she, Doc?
I'm so tired.
Come on. Drink this.
Please... just let me sleep.
No, you can't sleep! Fran, open your eyes!
Let's get her walking.
We've got to keep her awake for the next few hours. Now come on, Fran, walk!
One, two, three, four!
One, two, three, four!
Left, right, left, right,...
...left, right and return!
And... one, two, three, four!
Now you've got it! One, two, three, four!
Walk, Fran! One, two, three, four!
One, two... and return again.
And... left, right, left, right.
She'll sleep on and off for the next 24 hours.
Of course, she'll have a dandy hangover when she wakes up.
Just as long as she's OK.
These cases are harder on the doctor than the patient. I oughta charge by the mile.
- Any of that coffee left? - Yeah, sure.
How do you spell her last name?
Kubelik. Two k's.
What's her address?
Where does she live?
Why do you wanna know, Doc?
- You don't have to report this, do you? - It's regulations.
But it was an accident. She had too much to drink, didn't know what she was doing.
There was no suicide note or anything.
- I'm not thinkin' about myself. - Aren't you?
She's got a family, and there's the people at the office.
Can't you forget you're a doctor, just say you're here as a neighbour?
Well, as a doctor, I can't prove it wasn't an accident.
But as your neighbour, I'd like to kick you around the block.
- Mind if I cool this off? - Help yourself.
I don't know what you did to that girl,...
...but it was bound to happen, the way you carry on.
Live now, pay later. Diners Club!
Why don't you grow up, Baxter? Be a mensch.
- You know what that means? - I'm not sure.
A mensch. A human being!
So you got off easy this time. So you were lucky.
But you're not out of the woods yet, because most of 'em try it again.
Well, you know where I am if you need me.
Mr. Baxter! Open up already.
- Mrs. Lieberman. - Who did you think it was? Kriss Kringle?
What was going on here last night?
- Last night? - All that marching! Tramp, tramp, tramp!
- Army manoeuvres maybe? - I'll never invite those people again.
What you get from renting to bachelors. All night I didn't sleep ten minutes.
- And I'm sure you woke up Dr. Dreyfuss. - Don't worry. He was out on a case.
I'm warning you, Mr. Baxter. This is a respectable house, not a honky-tonky.
Come on, Oscar.
Operator, I want White Plains, New York. Mr. JD Sheldrake.
Make that person-to-person.
Five, four, three, two, one--
Let her rip!
I'll get the phone.
Hey, Dad, why don't we put a fly in the nose cone?
- See if we can bring it back alive. - That's a thought.
Maybe we should put in two flies and see if they'll propagate in orbit.
- See if they'll what? - Propagate. You know. Multiply.
- Baby flies? - Oh. Oh!
- It's for you, Dad. - Thanks, Jeff.
A Mr. Baxter. Person-to-person.
Come on. Help me round up some flies.
- Hello? What's on your mind, Baxter? - Something came up that's important.
I think you should see me at the apartment as soon as possible.
- What's this all about? - I didn't wanna tell you over the phone.
But that certain party... You know who I mean. I found her here last night.
- She took an overdose of sleeping pills. - What?!
- What is it, Jeff? Who's on the phone? - One of our employees had an accident.
I don't know why they bother me with these things on Christmas Day.
Just how serious is it?
It was touch and go there for a while, but she's sleeping it off now.
I thought maybe you'd like to be here when she wakes up.
That's impossible. You'll have to handle the situation yourself, Baxter.
- As a matter of fact, I'm counting on you. - Yes, sir. I understand.
She left a letter. Would you like me to open it and read it to you?
Well, it was just a suggestion.
No, don't worry. I kept your name out of it, so there'll be no trouble,...
...policewise or newspaperwise.
You see, the doctor is a friend of mine, so we were very lucky in that respect.
Actually, he thinks she's my girl.
No, he just jumped to the conclusion.
Around here I'm known as quite a ladies' man.
Of course, we're not out of the woods yet. Sometimes they try it again.
Yes, sir. I'll do my best. It'll take her a couple of days to fully recover...
...and I may have a little problem with the landlady.
OK, Mr. Sheldrake. I'll keep her in the apartment as long as I can.
Isn't there some sort of message you want me to give her?
Well, I'll... think of something.
Yes, sir. Goodbye, Mr. Sheldrake.
- I'm sorry, Mr. Baxter. - What are you doing out of bed?
I didn't know. I had no idea this was your apartment.
Here. Let me help you.
Oh, I'm so ashamed.
Why didn't you just let me die?
What kind of talk is that? You got a little overemotional, but you're fine now.
Oh, my head! It feels just like a big wad of chewing gum.
- What time is it? - Two o'clock.
Oh, my dress. I have to go home.
You're in no shape to go anywhere but back to bed.
- You don't want me here. - Sure I do. I--
It's always nice to have company for Christmas.
- I'm stronger than you are. - I just wanna brush my teeth.
Oh. Of course. I think I can find a new toothbrush somewhere.
Here. Put that on.
- How about some breakfast? - No. I don't want anything.
I'll fix you some coffee.
Oh! We're all out of coffee. You had quite a lot last night.
Back in a minute.
Mrs. Dreyfuss, could I borrow some coffee?
- And an orange and a couple of eggs? - Eggs, he asks me for! Oranges!
What you need is a good horsewhipping! From me the doctor has no secrets.
Poor girl. How could you do such a thing?
I didn't do anything. Honest. It's just--
You take a girl out just for laughs and she thinks you're serious marriagewise.
Big shot! For you, I wouldn't lift a finger!
But for her, I'll fix a little something to eat.
Who are you calling?
My sister, to tell her what happened to me.
Wait a minute! Let's talk it over first. Just what are you gonna tell her?
- I haven't figured it out exactly. - Well, you'd better figure it out exactly.
Suppose she asks you why you didn't come home last night.
I'll say I spent the night with a friend.
- Who? - Someone from the office.
- Where are you now? - In his apartment.
- In his apartment? - In her apartment.
- What's your friend's name? - Baxter.
- What's her first name? - Miss.
- When are you comin' home? - As soon as I can walk.
- Your legs hurt? - No, my stomach.
- Your stomach? - They had to pump it out!
You shouldn't call anybody. Not till you get the chewing gum out of your head.
They'll be worried about me. They might call the police.
We have to be careful. We don't wanna involve anybody.
After all, Mr. Sheldrake's a married man.
Thanks for reminding me!
I didn't mean it that way.
I was just talking to him on the phone. He's very concerned about you.
He doesn't give a damn about me.
- You're wrong. He told me-- - He's a liar.
But that's not the worst part.
The worst part is I still love him.
Oh. That must be Mrs. Dreyfuss.
Remember the doctor from last night? That's his wife.
So where's the victim?
Max the Knife!
- Nu, little lady, how are we feeling today? - I don't know. Kind of dizzy.
The best thing for dizzy is noodle soup with chicken white meat and a glass tea.
- No, thank you. I'm really not hungry. - Go ahead, eat. Enjoy.
You wouldn't have such a thing as a napkin, would you?
- I have some paper towels. - Beatnik.
In my kitchen, third drawer, under the good silver, are napkins.
Yes, Mrs. Dreyfuss.
So, what are you waiting for? A singing commercial?
- I can't eat. - You must eat.
And you must get healthy and you must forget him.
Such a fine boy he seemed when he first moved in here.
Clean and cut, a regular Ivy Leaguer.
Turns out he's King Farouk, with the drinking, with the cha-cha.
With the no napkins.
A girl like you, for the rest of your life you wanna cry in your noodle soup?
Who needs it? Now you listen to me.
You'll find yourself a nice, substantial man, a widower, maybe...
...and settle down, instead of noshing all those sleeping pills.
For what? For whom? For some good-time Charlie?
One napkin comin' up. Wish we had some champagne to wrap it around.
- What did I tell you? - Mrs. Dreyfuss, you don't have to wait.
- I'll wash the dishes. - You'd break 'em. I'll come back for them.
If he makes trouble, give me a yell.
- She doesn't seem to like you very much. - Oh, I don't mind.
As a matter of fact, I'm sort of flattered.
That anybody'd think a girl like you would do a thing like this over a guy like me.
Did you find something here? An envelope?
Yes. I've got it.
Don't you think we'd better destroy it so it won't fall in the wrong hands?
There's nothing here but a $100 bill.
That's right. Will you see that Mr. Sheldrake gets it?
Take this away, will you?
Would you like me to move the television set in here?
- You play gin rummy? - I'm not very good at it.
- I am. Let me get the cards. - You don't have to entertain me.
There's nothing I'd like better. You know. Togetherness.
Guess what I did last Christmas. Had dinner at the automat, went to the zoo,...
...then came home and cleaned up after Mr. Eichelberger.
He had a little eggnog party here.
So I'm way ahead this year.
Three across. Spades double?
I think I'm gonna give it all up.
Give what up?
Why do people have to love people, anyway?
I know what you mean.
- I don't want it. - Pick a card.
What do you call it when somebody keeps gettin' smashed up in car accidents?
- Bad insurance risk? - That's me with men.
I was jinxed from the word go. First time I was ever kissed was in a cemetery.
I was 15. We used to go there to smoke.
His name was George and he threw me over for a drum majorette.
That's 10, 20... 36. And 25 makes 61 and two boxes.
I have this talent for falling in love...
...with the wrong guy in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Well, how many guys were there?
The last one was the manager of a finance company back home in Pittsburgh.
They found a shortage in his accounts.
He asked me to wait for him. He'll be out in 1965.
So I came to New York and moved in with my sister and her husband, a cab driver.
They sent me to secretarial school and then I applied for a job at Consolidated.
But I flunked the typing test.
- Too slow? - No. I can type up a storm.
I just can't spell.
So they gave me a pair of white gloves and stuck me in an elevator.
And that's how I met Jeff.
Oh God, I'm so fouled up.
What am I gonna do now?
Better win a hand. You're on a blitz.
Was he very upset when you told him?
Mr. Sheldrake? Yeah, very.
Maybe he does love me, only he doesn't have the nerve to tell his wife.
I'm sure that's it.
- You really think so? - No doubt about it.
Would you hand me that pad and pencil?
- What for? - I'm gonna write to Mrs. Sheldrake.
- You what? - As one woman to another.
- I'm sure she'll understand. - I don't think that's a very good idea.
- Why not? - For one thing, you can't spell.
Secondly, if you did something like that, you'd hate yourself.
I don't like myself very much anyway.
Pick up the cards. Let's go.
- Do I have to? - You bet. I got a terrific hand.
- You really wanna discard that? - Sure.
10, 20, 40, 52 and 25... 77.
Spades are double... 154.
Blitzed. Two games.
All right, all right, Mrs. Dreyfuss.
- Hi, Baxter. - What do you want?
What do I want? Just a minute.
- You can't come in! - What's the matter with you?
I made a reservation for four o'clock.
You can't stay. Take your champagne and go.
I don't wanna pull rank on you, but I told the little lady it was all set.
Are you gonna leave, Mr. Kirkeby, or do I have to throw you out?
Buddy-boy, why didn't you say so?
- Got yourself a little playmate, huh? - Now will you get out?
Hey, come on! What are we waiting for? Open up, will you?
- What's holding things up? - Say, let's have a party, the four of us.
Well, I don't blame you.
So you hit the jackpot, eh, kid? I mean Kubelikwise.
Don't worry. I won't say a word to anybody.
Stay with it, Buddy-boy.
Who was that?
Just somebody delivering a bottle of champagne. Like some?
Would you mind opening that window?
- Now don't get any ideas, Miss Kubelik. - I just want some fresh air.
It's only one storey down. The best you could do is break a leg.
So they'll shoot me, like a horse.
Please, you gotta promise me you won't do anything foolish.
- Who'd care? - I would.
Why can't I ever fall in love with somebody nice like you?
That's the way it crumbles, cookiewise.
Go to sleep.
- Good morning, Mr. Sheldrake. - Miss Olsen, come into my office, please.
- Did you have a nice Christmas? - Lovely. You were a great help!
Your pep talk to Miss Kubelik at the office party.
- Sorry, Jeff. I never could hold my liquor. - I thought you could hold your tongue.
- It won't happen again. - You bet it won't.
I'll arrange for you to get a month's severance pay.
That's right, Miss Olsen. I'm letting you go.
You let me go four years ago, Jeff.
And were cruel enough to make me sit out there and watch the new models pass by.
I'd appreciate it if you'd be out of here as soon as you can.
Yes, Mr. Sheldrake.
Operator, this is Mr. Sheldrake. I'd like Mr. Baxter's home telephone number.
He's in Ordinary Premium Accounting.
- Hello? - Hello. Jeff Sheldrake. Can you talk?
Yes. She's in the shower.
- She's coming along fine, considering. - Good.
- Is there anything you need? Money? - No, thank you, Mr. Sheldrake.
As a matter of fact, I have some money for you. $100.
- If there's anything I can do for you-- - For me? I don't think so.
But I was hoping maybe you could do something for her.
Like what? Put yourself in my place, Baxter.
How can I help her? My hands are tied.
Well... at least you can talk to her.
Let me put her on. And please, be gentle.
There's a call for you!
- For me? - Yeah. Mr. Sheldrake.
I don't wanna talk to him.
I think you should.
I gotta run down to the grocery anyway. There's nothing left here but frozen pizza.
I'll be right back. OK?
- Yes, I'm all right. - Why did you do it, Fran?
It's so childish, and it never solves anything.
I oughta be very angry with you, scaring me that way.
But let's forget the whole thing, pretend it never happened. What do you say?
Are you there, Fran?
Of course I'm not here, because the whole thing never happened.
I never took those pills, I never loved you,...
...we never even met.
- Isn't that the way you want it, Jeff? - You know I didn't mean it that way.
You just get well. Do what the nurse says. I mean Baxter.
I'll see you as soon as I can. Goodbye, Fran.
Hello, Mrs. Sheldrake. This is Miss Olsen.
Fine, thank you. I was wondering if we could have lunch together.
I don't know how important it is, but you might find it educational.
It concerns your husband.
All right. One o'clock, Longchamps, Madison and 59th.
Don't worry. I'm on my way.
Just making a personal call.
Here's a dime.
Oh, Mr. Baxter! I'm glad you're here.
- I was just going to get the passkey. - What for?
I thought I smelled gas coming from your apartment.
- You all right? - Sure!
- What's that funny smell? - Gas! Didn't you turn it on?
Yes, to boil water to get the coffee stains out of my dress.
- You turned it on but you didn't light it. - Are you supposed to?
In this house you're supposed to. Hey, what are you doing with that?
I was washing my stockings, so I thought I'd wash your socks too.
- Oh. Thank you. - Very curious. I could only find 3½ pair.
Things are a little disorganised around here.
I'd say. What's a tennis racket doing in the kitchen?
Tennis racket? Oh, I remember. I was cooking myself an Italian dinner.
I used it to strain the spaghetti.
- Why not? - In fact, I'm a pretty good cook.
- Only I'm a lousy housekeeper. - Yes, you are.
When I was straightening up the couch, I found six hairpins, a lipstick,...
...a pair of false eyelashes and a swizzle stick from the Stork Club.
It's just that I'm the kind of guy who can't say no.
- I don't mean to girls. I mean-- - To someone like Mr. Sheldrake.
- I guess so. - I know so.
- He's a taker. - What?
Some people take, some people get took.
And they know they're gettin' took and there's nothin' they can do about it.
I wouldn't say that.
What would you like for dinner, huh?
Hey. Onion soup, and canned asparagus--
I really should be getting home.
- My family'll be flipping by now. - You can't leave yet.
The doctor said it takes 48 hours to get that stuff out of your system.
How long does it take to get someone you're stuck on out of your system?
If only they'd invent some kind of pump for that.
I know how you feel, Miss Kubelik. You think it's the end of the world. But it's not.
I went through exactly the same thing myself.
- You did? - Well, not exactly the same.
I tried to do it with a gun.
- Over a girl? - Worse. It was the wife of my best friend.
And I was mad about her. But I knew it was hopeless and I decided to end it all.
I went to a pawnshop and I bought a .45 automatic and I drove up to Eden Park--
- Do you know Cincinnati? - No, I don't.
Anyway, I parked the car and I loaded that gun--
You read in the papers that people shoot themselves. Believe me, it's not that easy.
I mean, how do you do it? Here? Here? Here?
- Know where I finally shot myself? - Where?
- Here. - In the knee?!
Yeah! I was sittin' there, tryin' to decide.
A cop came up because I was illegally parked.
I tried to hide the gun under the seat and it went off.
- That's terrible! - It was a year till I could bend the knee.
But I got over the girl in three weeks.
Still lives in Cincinnati. Has four kids and gained 20 pounds.
Sends me a fruitcake every Christmas.
Are you just making this up to make me feel better?
Of course not! Here's the fruitcake.
- Do you wanna see my knee? - No, thank you.
The fellas in the office might get the wrong idea how I found out.
Let 'em! Look, I'm gonna cook dinner for us. We'll have fruitcake for dessert.
You just sit there and rest. You've done enough for today.
- Can I help you? - I'm lookin' for Miss Kubelik.
- So am I. She didn't report this morning. - She didn't? Who's in charge here?
That comes under General Office Administration. Mr. Dobisch, 21st floor.
So I take Sylvia up to the apartment, and guess who he's stashed in the bedroom.
- Who? - Kubelik.
No kiddin'? Buddy-boy and Kubelik having a little toot?
Toot? More like a lost weekend. Neither of 'em showed up for work today.
What gripes me is they guzzled my champagne...
...while Sylvia and I wound up at the Guggenheim Museum.
- Mr. Dobisch? - Yeah.
I'm Karl Matuschka. My sister-in-law runs one of the elevators. Fran Kubelik.
- Miss Kubelik? - You know her?
Of course. We have a lot of employees, but we're one big, happy family.
She lives with us, and my wife's nervous cos Fran hasn't been home for two days.
So we wondered if somebody here knew what happened to her.
What do you think, Al? Can we help the man?
Why not? We don't owe Buddy-boy anything.
Yeah. What's Buddy-boy done for us lately?
Who is Buddy-boy?
- Are we dressing for dinner? - No. Just come as you are.
- You're pretty good with that racket. - You should see my backhand.
Wait till you see me serve the meatballs.
- Shall I light the candles? - It's a must, gracious livingwise.
- You bought some napkins. - Might as well go all the way.
You know, I used to live like Robinson Crusoe.
Shipwrecked, among eight million people.
And then one day I saw a footprint in the sand...
...and there you were.
It's a wonderful thing, dinner for two.
- Do you usually eat alone? - No. Sometimes I eat with Ed Sullivan.
Or sometimes Dinah Shore or Perry Como.
The other night it was Mae West. She was much younger then. Cheers.
- Cheers. - Know what we're gonna do after dinner?
- The dishes. - I mean after that.
- What? - You don't have to if you don't want to.
- Oh, I don't? - We're gonna finish the gin game.
So keep a clear head.
Cos I don't wanna take advantage of you, the way I did yesterday in bed.
- Baxter? - Yes.
What's with you, Fran? Did you forget where you live?
- My brother-in-law, Karl Matuschka. - Oh! How do you do, Mr. Matusch--
- Get dressed. I got the cab downstairs. - Wait. I know what you're thinking, but--
It's none of my business what you do. You're over 21.
- But your sister thinks you're a lady. - All we were gonna do was eat!
If there wasn't a lady present, I'd clobber you.
All right, Karl! I'll get dressed.
Want a martini?
How about some spaghetti with meat sauce that I cooked myself?
Your sister-in-law sure is terrific.
It must be murder drivin' a cab in New York with the cross-town traffic.
Hi, Baxter. How's the patient?
Oh, uh... I'm fine, Doc.
Not you. Miss Kubelik.
- What's the matter with Miss Kubelik? - This is Mr. Matuschka. He's... got a cab.
- Fran been sick? - No. Just a little accident.
- What does he mean, accident? - Well... these things happen all the time.
What things? What kind of a doctor are you?
Not that kind! He just gave her a shot, pumped out her stomach.
- What for? - I took sleeping pills. But I'm fine now.
- Why'd you take sleeping pills? - On account of me.
Leave him alone!
Oh, you fool. You damn fool.
- Come on, Fran. - Goodbye, Mr. Baxter.
Well, I don't wanna gloat, but just between us, you had it coming to you.
You're gonna have a shiner tomorrow.
Let me get my bag.
Don't bother, Doc.
It doesn't hurt a bit.
Mr. Sheldrake's office? This is CC Baxter.
Please tell him I'd like to come up and see him. It's important.
Will you call me back, please?
Mr. Sheldrake, I've got good news for you.
All your troubles are over.
I'm gonna take Miss Kubelik off your hands.
The plain fact is, I love her.
I thought you should be the first to know.
After all, you don't really want her, and I do.
And though it may sound presumptuous, she needs somebody like me.
So I think it would be best all around.
I'll be right up.
Mr. Sheldrake, I've got good news for you.
All your troubles are over.
- Hi, Buddy-boy. What happened to you? - Hit by a swinging door?
- Or a yellow cab? - That guy really must've belted him.
Yeah. He's punchy. Talking to himself.
Those two days she spent in the apartment...
...made me realise how lonely I'd been before.
But, thanks to you, I'm in a financial position to marry her.
If I can ever square things with her family.
Good morning. CC Baxter.
- Mr. Baxter is here. - Send him in.
Mr. Sheldrake, I've got good news for you.
And I've got good news for you, Baxter.
- All your troubles are over. - Sir?
I know how worried you were about Miss Kubelik. Stop worrying.
I'm going to take her off your hands.
- You're gonna take her off my hands? - That's right.
I've moved out of the house.
I'm gonna be staying in town, at the Athletic Club.
- You left your wife. - If you must know, I fired my secretary.
My secretary got to my wife, and my wife fired me. Ain't that a kick in the head?
Now what's your news, Baxter?
It's about Miss Kubelik. She's feeling all right again so she went home.
Swell. And don't think I've forgotten what you did for me.
This way, Baxter.
Sit down. Try it on for size.
- You like? It's all yours. - Mine?
My assistant has been shifted to the Denver office and you're taking his place.
What's the matter? You don't seem very excited.
Well, it's just that so many things have been happening so fast.
I'm very pleased. Especially for Miss Kubelik.
I think she's the kind of girl that definitely ought to be married to... someone.
Sure, sure. But first the property has to be settled. Then it takes six weeks in Reno.
Meanwhile I'm going to enjoy being a bachelor for a while.
Oh, Baxter, you now can have lunch in the executive dining room.
That's one of the privileges that goes with this job.
You also get a nice little expense account, use of the executive washroom--
Say, what happened to you, Baxter?
- I got kicked in the head too. - Oh?
Good evening, Mr. Baxter.
Miss Kubelik. How are you feeling?
- I feel fine. How's your eye? - Oh, fine.
- How are things at the apartment? - Nothing's changed.
- We never did finish that gin game. - I know.
I suppose you heard about Mr. Sheldrake.
Leaving his wife? Yeah. I'm very happy for you.
- I never thought he'd do it. - I told you all along.
- You were wrong about Mr. Sheldrake. - I guess so.
You were wrong about me too.
What you said about those who take and those who get took.
Mr. Sheldrake wasn't using me. I was using him. See?
Last month I was at desk 861 on the 19th floor. Now I'm on the 27th floor.
A panelled office, three windows.
So it all worked out fine. We're both getting what we wanted.
Yes. Will you walk me to the subway?
No, thank you. Well, I... To tell you the truth, I have this heavy date for tonight.
- Aren't you meeting Mr. Sheldrake? - No. You know how people talk.
I decided it was best not to see each other until everything was settled, divorcewise.
That's very wise.
- Good night, Mr. Baxter. - Good night.
- Baxter, could you step in here a minute? - Yes, Mr. Sheldrake.
- There you are. - Much obliged.
Here are the figures on staff turnover. 37% of females leave to get married and 22%...
Baxter, you work too hard. It's New Year's Eve. Relax!
- Yes, sir. - I suppose you'll be celebrating tonight.
- Naturally. - I'm taking Miss Kubelik out.
- I finally talked her into it. - I see.
The only thing is, I'm staying at the Athletic Club and it's strictly stag, so--
If you don't mind?
- Don't mind what? - You know my key to your apartment?
When we had that little scare about Miss Kubelik,...
- ...I threw it out the window of the train. - Very clever.
So now I'll have to borrow your key.
- Sorry, Mr. Sheldrake. - What do you mean, sorry?
You're not bringing anybody to my apartment.
- It's not just anybody. It's Miss Kubelik. - Especially not Miss Kubelik.
- How's that again? - No key.
Baxter, I picked you for my team because I thought you were a bright young man.
Do you realise what you're doing? Not to me, but to yourself?
Normally it takes years to work your way up to the 27th floor.
But it only takes 30 seconds to be out on the street again.
- You dig? - I dig.
So what's it going to be?
- Now you're being bright. - Thank you, sir.
- Baxter, you gave me the wrong key. - No, I didn't.
But this is the key to the executive washroom.
That's right. I won't be needing it because I'm all washed up around here.
- What's gotten into you? - Just following doctor's orders.
I've decided to become a mensch. Know what that means? A human being.
- Now hold on, Baxter. - The old payola won't work any more.
Goodbye, Mr. Sheldrake.
- We're having a party and ran out of ice. - Sure, Doc.
How come you're alone on New Year's Eve?
Well, I got things to do.
- What's this? You're packing? - Yeah. I'm giving up the apartment.
Where are you moving to?
I don't know. All I know is I gotta get outta this place.
Sorry to lose you, Baxter.
Me? Oh, my body. Don't worry, it'll go to the university, Doc. I'll put it in writing.
- Could you use some champagne? - Booze we don't need.
Say, why don't you join us?
We got two brain surgeons, a proctologist and three nurses from Bellevue.
No, thanks. I don't feel like it.
In case I don't see you again, how much do I owe you for taking care of that girl?
Forget it. I didn't do it as a doctor. I did it as a neighbour.
By the way, whatever happened to her?
You know me with girls. Easy come, easy go.
- Goodbye, Doc. - Happy New Year.
Sorry I took so long on the phone. We're all set.
- For what? - I rented a car. It'll be here at one.
- We're driving to Atlantic City. - Atlantic City?
I know it's a drag, but you can't find a hotel room in town on New Year's Eve.
Ring out the old year, ring in the new.
I didn't plan it this way. It's Baxter's fault.
He wouldn't give me the key to the apartment.
- He wouldn't? - No. He just walked out on me. Quit.
Threw that big, fat job right in my face.
- The nerve. - The little punk. After all I did for him.
Said I couldn't bring anybody to the apartment, especially not Miss Kubelik.
What's he got against you, anyway?
I don't know. I guess that's the way it crumbles, cookiewise.
What are you talking about?
I'd spell it out for you, only I can't spell.
# Should auld acquaintance be forgot
# And never brought to mind...
Happy New Year, Fran.
# And days of auld lang syne
# For auld lang syne, my dear
# For auld lang syne
# We'll drink a cup of kindness yet
# For auld lang syne
Where are you, Fran?
Mr. Baxter! Mr. Baxter!
- Are you all right? - I'm fine.
Are you sure? How's your knee?
I'm fine all over.
- Mind if I come in? - Of course not.
Let me get another glass.
- Where are you going? - Who knows?
Another neighbourhood, another town, another job.
I'm on my own.
That's funny. So am I.
What'd you do with the cards?
What about Mr. Sheldrake?
I'm gonna send him a fruitcake every Christmas.
I love you, Miss Kubelik.
Did you hear what I said, Miss Kubelik? I absolutely adore you.
Shut up and deal.
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