BlackAdder 1x1 - The Foretelling
(Narrator)|History has known many liars -
Saint Ralph the Liar.
But there have been none quite so|vile as the Tudor king, Henry VII.
He rewrote history to portray|his predecessor, Richard III,
as a deformed maniac|who killed his nephews in the Tower.
But the real truth is that Richard|was a kind, thoughtful man
who cherished his young wards.
In particular Richard,|Duke of York,
who grew into a big, strong boy.
Henry claimed he won|the Battle of Bosworth Field,
and killed Richard III.
Again, the truth is very different.
It was Richard, Duke of York, who|became king after Bosworth Field
and reigned for 13 glorious years.
As for who killed Richard III
and how Henry Tudor|escaped with his life,
all is revealed in this, the first|chapter of a history never told,
the history of The Black Adder.
Silence, silence for the King!
Now is the summer|of our sweet content,
made o'ercast winter|by these Tudor clowns.
And I that am not shaped|for black-faced war... (Cheering)
..I that am rudely cast|and want true majesty...
..am forced to fight|to set sweet England free.
I pray to Heaven we fare well
and all who fight us go to hell!
Who is that?
I know not, My Lord.|I'll ask my son.
Harry, who is that?
- Your other son, My Lord.|- It is my other son, My Lord.
Fights he with us on the morrow?
- What's his name?|- Edmund.
Edna! Fight you|with us on the morrow?
Oh, goodness, no.|I thought I'd fight with the enemy.
He won't be|anywhere near me, will he?
No, he'll be amongst the rabble.
- Oh, arrow fodder.|- Precisely.
What a little turd.
Percy, you see how the King|picks me out for special greeting?
- No, My Lord.|- I saw it, My Lord.
Ah! And what is your name,|little fellow?
Baldrick, My Lord.
Then I shall call you...Baldrick.
And I shall call you "My Lord",|My Lord.
I like the cut of your jib,|young fellow-me-lad.
How'd you like to be my squire|in the battle tomorrow?
It will be a great day|for we nobles.
Not if we lose, Percy. If we lose,|I'll be chopped to pieces.
My arms will end up in Essex,|my torso in Norfolk,
and my genitalia|in a tree somewhere in Rutland.
With you at the helm, My Lord,|we cannot lose.
We could if we wanted to.
Ah, but we won't, Percy. I shall|prove to all that I am a man.
But you are a man.
But how shall it be proved, Percy?
By looking up the tree in Rutland.
It shall be proved by mine enemies
rushing to the water closet|in terror.
- Hurrah!|- Hurrah.
A toast! Let all those|who go to don armour tomorrow
remember to go|before they don armour tomorrow!
Already, I can hear the sound|of battle ringing in my ears.
Once more unto the breach,|dear friends, once more.
Consign their parts most private|to a Rutland tree.
Let "Blood, blood, blood"|be your motto!
Slit their gizzards!
Now, I'm afraid|there's going to have to be
a certain amount of...violence.
But at least we know|it's all in a good cause, don't we?
And gentlemen in London still a-bed
shall think themselves acursed|they were not here.
And hold their manhood cheap,
while others speak of those|who fought with us
on Ralph the Liar's Day!
(Knock on the door)
- Edmund!|- Oh, Mother, what do you want?
Did you want to go to battle today?
(Alarm clock rings)
It's eleven o'clock!
- M'lord?|- What is it?
- Where is this battle, then?|- Somewhere called Bosworth Field.
First decent battle|since I've reached puberty.
- Here we are, My Lord.|- Onward, Baldrick, to glory!
(Swords clash and horses whinny)
I'm not so sure|we're needed, Baldrick.
Everything seems to be going|very well, doesn't it?
clearly having|the time of their lives.
Why, some people over there aren't|fighting, they're just lying down!
- They're dead, My Lord.|- Ah.
Damn, I knew|I'd forgotten something.
Would you excuse me, Baldrick?
Your Majesty,|you've lost your steed. Take mine.
I've won the battle and saved the|kingdom. I can find myself a horse.
True, My Lord.|I'll see you at the castle.
So be it.
My kingdom for a horse.
Oi! That's my horse!
There. That'll teach you!
You won't be doing that again,|will you?
Oh, my God, it's Uncle Richard.
What's up, My Lord?
Oh, dear, Richard III.
What are you going to do?
Hold it there.
Will you wait? Will you wait?
Oh, well done.
Where's the head?
- I thought you had it.|- I can't carry everything!
Percy, you brainless son of|a prostitute, where've you been?
I've just proved that I'm a man.|Look what I've found!
Oh, thank God. Put it down|and let's get out of here!
- I found it, it's mine.|- What do you mean, yours?
I need it to prove|I killed a nobleman.
And which nobleman, pray?
Well, it's the King, actually.
- Lost! All is lost!|- What?
- Quick, let's get out of here.|- Take me too!
Get your hands off!
If you leave me, I'll die.
If you don't leave me alone,|I'll kill you.
- Come on, Baldrick!|- I'll give you money.
- Mother!|- Edmund, dear. How did it go?
Within seconds,|Henry Tudor will be at our gates!
But I'm not ready.|I haven't had a bath yet.
Mother, Henry is our enemy.
His men will brutally ravish you|and every woman in the castle.
Oh, well.|I shan't bother to change, then.
- What do you want?|- Listen! (Drums)
Oh, my God. They're here already.|Run for your lives!
- Run for the hills!|- They're coming from the hills.
Sorry, run away from the hills!|Run away from the hills!
If you see the hills,|run the other way!
But they're flying|King Richard's banner.
- That's impossible. He's dead.|- King Richard - dead?
Yes. Er...God knows how.
Oh, dear.|That's really upset the tulip cart.
The flags are just|a cunning trick to deceive us.
(Baldrick)|My Lord, it's not a cunning trick.
No, because we've seen through it.|They obviously thought it was...
(Baldrick)|I don't think they thought it up.
(Edmund)|They borrowed it?
(Baldrick)|I don't think it's a trick at all.
You don't think using|someone else's banner is a trick?
(Percy)|It's only your father.
- Who locked that bloody door?|- Richard, it's you!
Who did you expect?
I thought it would be Henry Tulip.
Henry Tulip?|Have you lost your conkers?
- So you won?|- Yes, of course. We won!
We won! Victory!|(All cheer)
So I suppose|now you want to ravish me.
Yes, yes, in a moment.
The woman's insatiable.
Three cheers for good King Richard.|Hup, hup...
- Hup, hup...|- Huzzah!
We just need King Richard here|and the day shall be complete!
Yes. What a pity he's dead.
What! Who told you that?
Is this true?
Er...I wouldn't know, really.|I was nowhere near him at the time.
I just heard from someone, er...
I mean, I don't even know|where he was killed.
I was on the opposite side|of the field,
nowhere near the cottage...|Not that it was the cottage.
It was the river. But I wouldn't|know, because I wasn't there.
Apparently, some fool cut his head|off...or killed him in some way.
Or took an ear off. Yes, in fact,|I think he was only wounded.
Er...or was that somebody else?
He wasn't even wounded. Why,|did someone say he was dead?
- Yes!|- What?
It's true, My Lord.|I stumbled on his body.
Oh, pardon me,|thou bleeding piece of earth!
That's enough of that.
Thank you, Harry.
Thank you, Harry!
Yes, and we all know who did|this dreadful deed, don't we?
Yes - Henry Tudor!
And he still roams free.
Harry, call for silence!
For the King!
(All)|Long live King Richard IV!
This day has been,|as t'were, a mighty stew,
in which the beef|of victory was mixed
with the vile turnip|of sweet Richard slain
and the grisly dumpling|of his killer fled.
But we must eat the yellow wobbly|parts the good Lord serves.
In life, each man gets|what he deserves!
Well, come on. Let's go and kill|some more prisoners. Hup, hup...
We're safe|and I am a prince of the realm.
- Huzzah!|- H-huzzah.
- Can you imagine the power?|- It's ours, all ours!
- What?|- Yours, all yours!
Ah, Edmund, there you are.
It's early, but I'd like|to sort out these battle averages.
- Who did you kill today?|- Um...
no one! Oh, dear.|I'll put you down for a duck, then.
I'm afraid that takes you|out of the running
- for the Legion Of Honour.|- Oh, I see. Sorry.
I thought you meant|had I killed King Richard.
What...was the question?
Who did you kill today?
Oh, I see. Er, right...|Er... Let's see.
Peasants!|There were a lot of peasants.
But they don't|really count, do they?
Only in the event of a tie.|So, how many did you kill??
- Oh, four...|- Four.
Four hundred...hand fifty.
Four hundred and fifty! That's|three times more than myself!
- I had a couple of lucky breaks.|- Nobles?
Ah, nobles... Let me see.|I think...Lord Coverdale.
Who fought on our side, I believe.
I think Lord Coverdale|saw me slaying...um...
- Warwick.|- Warwick the Wild, of Leicester?
Yes. Pretty wild he was too.|He took some finishing off.
Yes, I killed him myself|at one point. Anyone else?
Um... Er... Now, let me see. Er...
I'm just trying|to put names to faces.
Well, this is the list of lords|as yet unaccounted for.
- Roger de Runcey.|- Oh, yes, he was one of mine.
- Lord Thomas of Devon.|- Ah, yes, back-slash.
- Lord Yeovil.|- Yes, groin job.
This is remarkable, Edmund! Oh,|and the Bishop of Bath and Wells...
Will never walk again!
..will conduct|the thanksgiving service.
Oh, Bath...and Wells!
Ah, Lord Percy. Edmund tells me|you turned up late for the battle,
so there's not much point|in asking you your score, is there?
- Ha-ha!|- A-ha-ha!Ha!
At last, I can relax.
Who the hell is this?
Ah, well, you remember that|dying man we saw in the cottage?
The one I specifically told you|not to bring back to the castle?
- That's the one.|- So what's he doing in my bed?
He claims to be a wealthy man.
I thought if we nurse him|back to health, he may reward us.
Now, wait! I think I have an idea.
If he is a wealthy man|and we nurse him back to health,
he may reward us!
Brilliant, My Lord. Good thinking.
(Both)|Thank you, Baldrick.
Well, what would you expect?
After all, who has|the fastest brain in the land?
Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh.
Who is the boldest horseman|in the land?
- Prince Edmund...|- ..Duke of Edinburgh.
Who is the bravest swordsman|in the land?
Don't tell me.|That Earl from Norfolk.
- (Both) Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh.|- Precisely.
Or, as I shall be known|from now on...
The Black Vegetable.
My Lord, wouldn't something like|The Black Adder sound better?
I think I have a better idea.
What about...The Black Adder?
- Very witty, My Lord.|- Thank you, Baldrick.
- Very, very, very witty, My Lord.|- Thank you, Percy.
You're certainly wittier|than your father.
And head and shoulders|over Richard III!
Is that supposed to be witty?
Er... No, My Lord.
Th-that was an example|of the sort of thing
that you yourself|would not stoop to.
- Go away!|- (Both) Yes, My Lord.
- You're still here, are you?|- Er... Yes.
Haven't I seen you|somewhere before?
I don't know. I feel that|I've seen you before, also.
I am Prince Edmund,|son of Richard IV.
- Who are you?|- I'm not important.
You mean you're not rich?
Yes, I'm incredibly rich.
I'm a very wealthy, um...
..modest person,|who wishes to remain nameless.
You'd better be rich.
Get your money together,|get better and get out of my bed!
Oh, yes, very fetching.
And hello to you.
(In high-pitched voice)|Hello. Goodness me.
I hadn't expected|to see you...like this.
- Sitting down, you mean?|- Yes, that's right. Sitting down.
Goodness, look,|you're sitting down.
Good Lord, I haven't seen|you sitting down since...
Was it only yesterday? Good Lord.
Um... Er... Well...|How was your battle?
Fine. Someone cut my head off,
but apart from that it went|swimmingly. How are you, Edna?
- Edmund.|- Your father said Edna.
So, Edna, you loathsome|little fairy maggot, how are you?
How very kind of you to ask,|Your Majesty.
I'm very well.
And it's very good to see you,|because, frankly...
- Yes?|- Well, frankly, er...
Gosh, you look well.
Frankly, what? Spit it out,|you horrid, little, scabby reptile.
Um... Well, frankly,|everyone thought you were dead.
Well, frankly, I am.
(Knock at door)|Do come in.
- No, don't come in!|- Why not?
- Have you got someone in there?|- Um... Not as such.
- Is it a woman?|- No.
- Is it a man?|- Um...
Um... Yes, it is.
You hesitated, Edmund.
It's not a sheep, is it?
- It certainly isn't a sheep.|- Well, then, let me in.
So farewell, Edna.|You'll be seeing me later.
Um... Have, er...
Have you got transport?
Perhaps you'd like|to borrow my horse again.
I mean...not that|you've borrowed it before.
Are you all right, Edmund? You look|as if you've just seen a ghost.
Hurry up, anyway.|You're expected at the banquet.
Look, um...Mother, er...
You won't tell anyone about|my oversleeping this morning?
Would I? Do I tell people that your|brother Harry is scared of spoons?
Or that your father|has very small private parts?
It's the lying I find so hurtful.
We'll slit it right up here!
So sorry I'm late.
Hold! You dare sit there, boy?
Would you insult|King Richard's ghost?
Yes, find your own chair,|you smelly little dog's pizzle.
How many prisoners|have you got, Harry?
I'm not Harry, I'm Richard.
- Send a brace to my room.|- (Harry) Do you want them hung?
- Hello?|- I want to practise my backhand!
After the way|you slaughtered Lord Stanley!
- Oh, I wish Uncle Dickie was here.|- Don't Dickie me, duckie.
Tonight, honoured friends,
we are gathered|to celebrate a great victory
and to mourn a great loss.
A toast to our triumph!
And I raise a royal curse
upon the man who slew Richard,|our noble king!
It was him!
- Oh, my God!|- Quiet at the end!
- Whoever it was...|- It was Edna!
- ..wherever he be...|- He's there!
- ..he shall be struck down!|- Do it, you oaf, he's there!
- It wasn't me!|- Who said that?
The idiot who killed me.
- I didn't.|- Well, then, who did?
- It was Edmund who interrupted.|- Hang him!
- Aargh!|- I will have silence!
Another toast.|To dead King Richard.
Oh, my God.
- Gentlemen.|- (All) King Richard!
Thank you very much for nothing.|Thank you so much.
That's the last you'll see of me.
Not that you've|seen much of me anyway.
Now that we have silence, we shall|continue the desecration ceremony.
Produce the portrait|of the pretender, Henry Tudor.
(Booing and hissing)
Oh, my God!
- Good evening.|- Where's Henry Tudor?
Where is he? Where is he!
Thank you so much.
- Oh!|- Hail!
- Hail!|- Hail!
- Ruler of men.|- Ravisher of women.
- Slayer of kings!|- Be gone, hideous crones.
- Be not amazed.|- Be not overcome with fear.
Be not paralysed with terror.
Why have you lured me here,|you loathsome drabs?
We bear good news.
What news could|such repulsive harbingers convey?
Today has brought misfortune.
- But one day...|- (All) Oh, glorious day!
- One day...|- (All) Oh, happy day!
(All)|You shall be King!
Well, that is good news, isn't it?
God be with you,|you snaggle-toothed vultures.
History - here I come!
# The sound of hoof-beats|'cross the glade
# Good folk,|lock up your son and daughter
# Beware the deadly flashing blade
# Unless you want to end up shorter
# Black Adder
# Black Adder
# He rides a pitch-black steed
# Black Adder, Black Adder
# He's very bad indeed
# Black, his gloves of finest mole
# Black, his codpiece made of metal
# His horse is blacker than a vole
# His pot is blacker|than his kettle
# Black Adder, Black Adder
# With many a cunning plan
# Black Adder, Black Adder
# You horrid little man! #
He wasn't as I expected.
I thought he was very rude.
I thought Henry Tudor|would be better looking.
Yes, not so Jewish.
More like that man|who rode by before.
- We've done it again!|- You silly witches!
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BlackAdder 1x1 - The Foretelling
BlackAdder 1x2 - Born to be King
BlackAdder 1x3 - The Archbishop
BlackAdder 1x4 - The Queen of Spains Beard
BlackAdder 1x5 - Witchsmeller Pursuivant
BlackAdder 1x6 - The Black Seal
BlackAdder 2x1 - Bells
BlackAdder 2x2 - Head
BlackAdder 2x3 - Potato
BlackAdder 2x4 - Money
BlackAdder 2x5 - Beer
BlackAdder 2x6 - Chains
BlackAdder 4x1 - Captain Cook
BlackAdder 4x2 - Corporal Punishment
BlackAdder 4x3 - Major Star
BlackAdder 4x4 - Private Plane
BlackAdder 4x5 - General Hospital
BlackAdder 4x6 - Goodbyeee
BlackAdder Christmas Carol 1988
BlackAdder The Cavalier Years
BlackAdder the Third 3x1
BlackAdder the Third 3x2
BlackAdder the Third 3x3
BlackAdder the Third 3x4
BlackAdder the Third 3x5
BlackAdder the Third 3x6
Black Adder V - Back and Forth
Black Hawk Down
Black Mask 2
Black Rain CD1
Black Rain CD2
Black Widow 1987
Black and White (1998)
Blackout The 1997 CD1
Blackout The 1997 CD2
Blade 3 - Trinity
Blade Of Fury
Blade Runner (1982 Original Cut) CD1
Blade Runner (1982 Original Cut) CD2
Blade Runner Directors Cut
Blair Witch Project The
Blame It On Rio
Blast From The Past 1999
Blast from the Past
Blazing Sun (1960) CD1
Blazing Sun (1960) CD2
Bless The Child
Blind Chance (1987) CD1
Blind Chance (1987) CD2
Blind Spot Hitlers Secretary (2002)
Blob The 1988
Blood Wedding (1981)
Blood and Black Lace
Blow 2001 CD1
Blow 2001 CD2
Blow Dry 2001
Blown Away 1994 CD1
Blown Away 1994 CD2
Blue (Derek Jarman)
Blue Collar Comedy Tour The Movie
Blue Max The CD1
Blue Max The CD2
Blue Planet The 1
Blue Planet The 2 - The Deep
Blue Planet The 3 - Open Ocean
Blue Planet The 4 - Frozen Seas
Blue Spring 2001
Blue juice 1995
Blues Brothers The (1980) CD1
Blues Brothers The (1980) CD2
Boat Trip - Feedback Overflow
Bob Le Flambeur 1955
Bob Marley Story - Rebel Music
Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice
Bone Collector The
Bonnie and Clyde
Book of Fate The
Book of Pooh The
Boondock Saints The
Boot Das 1981 CD1
Boot Das 1981 CD2
Bourne supremacy The-1CD
Boy Who Saw The Wind The
Boys and Girls
Boyz N the Hood
Branca de Neve
Bread and Roses
Breakfast Club The
Breakfast at Tiffanys
Breakin all the rules
Bride with White Hair The
Bridge Man The CD1
Bridge Man The CD2
Broadway Danny Rose
Brother (Takeshi Kitano)
Brother Sun Sister Moon 1972
Brother from Another Planet The 1984
Brotherhood Of The Wolf
Buena Estrella La (Lucky Star)
Bugs Bunny - Baseball Bugs (1946)
Bugs Bunny - Big Top Bunny (1951)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs Bunny Gets the Boid (1942)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs Bunny and the Three Bears (1944)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs and Thugs (1954)
Bugs Bunny - Bully for Bugs (1953)
Bugs Bunny - Frigid Hare (1949)
Bugs Bunny - Hair-Raising Hare (1946)
Bugs Bunny - Haredevil Hare (1948)
Bugs Bunny - Long Haired Hare (1949)
Bugs Bunny - My Bunny Lies Over the Sea (1948)
Bugs Bunny - Rabbits Kin (1952)
Bugs Bunny - Tortoise Wins by a Hare (1943)
Bugs Bunny - Wabbit Twouble (1941)
Bugs Bunny - Water Water Every Hare (1952)
Bugs Bunny - Whats Up Doc (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck - Rabbit Fire (1951)
Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck - Rabbit Seasoning (1952)
Bugs Bunny and Elmer - Rabbit of Seville (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Taz - Devil May Hare (1954)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Ballot Box Bunny (1951)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Big House Bunny (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Bunker Hill Bunny (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - High Diving Hare (1949)
Bugs Life A
Bullet in the Head
Bulletproof Monk 2003
Bullets Over Broadway
Bully (Unrated Theatrical Edition)
Burning Paradise (Ringo Lam 1994)
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid A Special Edition
Butchers Wife The