BlackAdder 1x3 - The Archbishop
(Feeble voice)|Dying, My Lords?
- Am I dying?|- Never!
- Never!|- Yet, my son,
to pass away the idle hours|till your recovery...
..let us imagine|you were to pass away.
To whom would you leave your lands?
To me, of course!
Ye-es. To my beloved king.
May your filthy soul|be prepared for Hell, my son.
- Hell??|- Yes, Hell...
where Satan belches fire
and enormous devils|break wind both night and day.
And where the mind is never free|from the torments of remorse,
and your bottom never free|from the pricking of little forks.
No! Spare me the little forks!
What is this nonsense?
Hell...where the softest bits|of your nether regions
are everybody's favourite lunch.
Forgive me, sire.|I will change my will
and leave my land to the Church.
Blessed be thy stainless soul!
Ah, you will change|your mind later. I know it!
(Edmund)|Now, Baldrick, what news?
I'm told the Duchess of Gloucester|has given birth to goblins.
No, about the Duke of Winchester.
- He's hanging on.|- Must be on his last legs.
How many sets of legs|has that man got?
I wish he'd make up his mind.
This shilly-shallying|is so undignified.
My Lord, I come with tragic news.
Died at last, has he?
- Who, My Lord?|- Oh, I see!
You ask me what the message is|before you tell it to me.
Quite brilliant, I must say!
I was referring|to the Duke of Winchester.
Who, My Lord?
Let's try to sort this out|in words of one syllable, shall we?
- Someone has died, yes?|- Yes, My Lord.
Who is it that has died?
The Archbishop of Canterbury,|My Lord.
- Are you a cretin?|- Yes, My Lord.
The Archbishop of Canterbury?
Oh, no - the King has done it again.
That's the third this year!|How did this one die?
- 'Orribly, My Lord.|- Any details?
'Orribly is all I was given.
- There you are!|- I come with tragic news.
I've heard it. Will you go away?
Edmund, the Archbishop|of Canterbury
has met with|a most tragic accident.
I think I've fathomed out|how it came about.
I've a pretty shrewd idea myself.
He was coming out|of the Duke of Winchester's room.
Who had died,|leaving his lands to the Church?
And so the King|was after his blood.
I dare say, but then, round the|corner came Sir Tavish Mortimer.
The King's hired killer?
No, that tall fellow with no ears.
He rushed towards|the Archbishop, head bowed,
in order to receive|his blessing...
and, er, unfortunately|killed him stone dead.
Mortimer was wearing|a Turkish helmet.
Oh, one of those|with a two-feet spike.
Normally used for butting enemies|and killing them stone dead.
So presumably he'd "forgotten"|he was wearing it?
That's exactly|what the poor fellow had done.
Ah, yes, almost as tragic|as Archbishop Bertram
being struck by|a falling gargoyle off Beachy Head.
Quite. And nearly as tragic|as poor Archbishop Wilfred
falling backwards|onto the spire of Norwich Cathedral.
Oh, Lord, you do|work in mysterious ways.
I don't know how I'm going|to break it to his catamite.
What a tragic accident, My Lord.
Accident, my codling!
(Percy)|Who do you think will take over?
One of the bishop fellows,|I imagine.
They tend to go for religious types.
Rumour has it, My Lord, the King|wants to choose Prince Harry.
Prince Harry, archbishop, My Lord?
Good Lord! Prince Harry, archbishop!
And we all know what happens|to archbishops, don't we?
They go to Canterbury.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Are you sure about your source?
It was Jane Smart -
the one who told me about|the chocolate chastity belt.
It was? Blimey!
Well, with Harry gone...
- the Black Adder will be...|- (Both) King...Next!
Yes, today could be one of|the most important days of my life.
Percy, I shall require|splendid garments for the ceremony.
- Certainly. Hat, My Lord?|- Trojan, I think.
- Boots?|- The Italian.
- And codpiece, My Lord?|- Well, let's go...
for the Black Russian, shall we?|It terrifies the clergy.
Any news, Baldrick?
Apparently, Lord Wilders is|keeping his sheep in his bedroom,
but nothing on the appointment, no.
- Why are you dressed like this?|- Like what, sorry?
Well, this enormous nonsense here.
Members of the court|and, er...clergy,
I have...at last...
after careful consultation with|Lord God, his son, Jesus Christ,
and his insubstantial friend,|the Holy Ghost,
decided upon the next archbishop.
May he last longer in his post|than his predecessors.
I appoint|to the Holy See of Canterbury
my own son...
..Edwin, Duke of Edinburgh!
Archbishop, we salute thee!
- Congratulations!|- D-D-Down!
Use both hands.|Very good, very good!
Well done, Harry!|(Knock) Enter!
Ah, Your Majesty!
Ha! My Lord Archbishop!
There were just a couple of points|about my appointment,
- before things are firmed up.|- Yes?
- Firstly, could I...?|- No, you couldn't.
Fine. And secondly...
Don't be mistaken|about this appointment.
I've always despised you.
Well, you are my father,|of course. I mean, you're biased.
You, compared to your beloved|brother Harry - ha-ha-ha! -
are as excrement compared to cream.
Oh, My Lord, you flatter me!
And me, also.
So when I've at last|found a use for you,
- don't try to get out of it.|- No, no. Certainly not.
I just wondered whether another man
equally weak-willed and feeble|might do just as well.
Ha! There's no such man!
No, of course not. Silly me!
I thought, though, perhaps,|someone who believed in God...?
No, if I needed someone|who believed in God,
I'd have chosen Harry,
not an embarrassing weed like you.
Oh, well, I think|that's everything cleared up.
Goodness! It must be|almost time for Evensong. Must go.
A word of advice.
If you cross me now...or ever...
I shall do unto you|what God did unto the Sodomites.
I don't think that's a good idea!
I shall make myself|available for all eventualities.
Thank you so much.
We've got the thumbscrews,|the foot-crusher, the nose-hooks,
those long rods you r-ram...
- Where's the dwarf?|- Here, My Lord.
Right, let's go.
- Archbishop!|- Aah...
- H-Hail.|- Going somewhere?
Oh, good!|Harry here will accompany you.
I would hate to see you murdered|before your investiture.
(The King)|Fresh horses!
My Lord, if we're to catch the boat|for France, you'll have to hurry.
Um, are you off to France, Percy?
I thought we all were.
No, no. Harry and I are off|to Canterbury, aren't we, Harry?
Oh, I see.|You've changed your plan.
N-No. No, not really.
The only change is if you could|go and put your face in some manure
and follow me at a distance,|that would be fine.
And another thing, Your Grace,
suppose my right hand|offends me and I cut it off,
what if my left hand|offends me too?
What do I cut if off with?
Ah, yes. Yes, that is a knotty one.
Here, who's that?
I dunno, but that tall fellow,|he had a face full of manure.
That's what I call style!
(Ceremonial organ chords)
Do you, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh,
believe in God the Father,|God the Son and God the Holy Ghost?
I then name thee|Archbishop of Canterbury
and Primate of all England.
(Blows nose noisily)
(Narrator)|His investiture over,
Edmund the Unwilling swiftly|adopted the ways of the cloth.
But ever the shadow of his|father's threat hung over him,
until one day...
Tell me, exactly what did|God do to the Sodomites?
I dunno, My Lord.
I can't imagine it was worse|than they used to do to each other.
Oh, my God, this is it!
Baldrick, go and get|My Lord Bishop of Ramsgate.
- Eh?|- Get Percy! Get Percy!
My life is hanging by a thread!
And if I don't leave my lands|to the Church, then what?
Then, Lord Graveney,|you will assuredly go to Hell.
where the air is pungent|with the aroma of roasted behinds.
No, no!|(Hacking cough)
I place my lands|in the hands of the Church.
And so bid the world farewell!
What? The Archbishop|not yet arrived?
Not yet, and even|if he did arrive...
- Wait!|- Too late!
Out of my way!
I'll kill the pair of you!|I'll abolish the Church!
My Lord! My Lord! Aa-ii-ee!
I said, "Out!" Get out!
Oh, My Lord, My Lord!|Wake up, wake up...
- Am I in Paradise?|- No, no. Not yet.
Then this must be Hell.|Alas! Spare my posterior!
No, you're all right -|it's England.
And you are not Satan?
No, I'm the Archbishop|of Canterbury.
Oh, Your Grace, I have left|all my lands to the Church.
Am I to be saved?
No, you treacherous swine!|I'll kill you!
Wait! Let's just take this through|in stages, shall we?
Um, you know, the Church|doesn't really need your lands.
No, what it needs|is a damn good thrashing!
But if I do not gain its blessing,|I will surely go to Hell!
- Hell, where tiny tweezers...|- Get out!
Someone like you go to Hell??|Never! Never!
- I have committed many sins.|- Haven't we all??
- I murdered my father.|- I know how you feel!
- Alas!|- Hurry up, Egbert!
- I have committed adultery...|- Who hasn't?
..more than a thousand times...
Well, it is 1487.
- ..with my mother.|- What?
You see, I will go to Hell.
Hell, where growths like turnips|sprout out the nose...
Um, well, let's take Hell.
Hell isn't as bad|as it's cracked up to be.
- What?|- No, no, no, no.
The thing about Heaven|is that Heaven is for people
who like the sort of things|that go on in Heaven,
like singing, talking to God,|watering pot plants.
Whereas Hell, on the other hand,
is for people who like|the other sorts of things -
adultery, pillage,|torture...those areas.
Mmm. Once you're dead,|you'll have the time of your life.
Adultery, pillage -|through all eternity?
Struck with large sticks|against your tender portions...
Henry, it's your decision.
Very well. I'll leave|my lands to the Crown
and my soul|in the hands of the Lord.
May he treat me like|the piece of refuse that I am
and send me to Hell|where I belong.
Amen. You're a lucky man.
I wish I could come with you,|but being Archbishop...
- I'm so sorry.|- It's OK.
- My son!|- Father!
- Father!|- My son!
Looks like the kind of pair|who would kill the Archbishop.
(The King)|You Turkish dog!
- You Turkish pig!|- Father, it's me! Pax!
Oh, yes. Sorry, Harry.|You're improving.
Well, thank you, Father.|Good night, Mother.
He's gaining on me!|He's gaining on me!
And how was Edmund?
Oh, very well.|Chiswick! Fresh horse!
And how are his dear little sheep?
- Whose sheep?|- Edmund's sheep.
Well, the ones at Canterbury.
His flock|that he was talking about.
Oh, my God!
I can't understand it.|Edmund doesn't even like religion.
That's impossible.|He's the Archbishop of Canterbury!
Yes, and the Archbishop|is also a naughty boy,
whose bottom I smacked
for relieving himself in the pond.
That was a long time ago.
It was last Thursday.
Hell, the boy's turned out well.
A long and healthy life to him!
I thank God that|never again shall I have to say,
"Who will rid me|of this turbulent priest?"
- What is that?|- Something Henry II said
when he was having trouble|with Thomas a Becket.
He was sitting with|two drunken knights and yelled,
"Who will rid me|of this turbulent priest?"
Oh, God save us!
I said, "Who will rid me|of this turbulent priest?"
The Archbishop|of Canterbury, of course!
They went off|and killed him, of course!
Right, let's get down to business.
Baldrick's been looking at ways
of making a bit of money|on this job.
Basically, there appear to be|four major profit areas.
Curses, pardons, relics and selling|the sexual favours of the nuns.
Selling?|Some people actually pay for them?
Foreign business men,|other nuns, yes.
Let's start with pardons.
Well, this is a fair selection.|You seem to get what you pay for.
They run from a pardon|for talking with your mouth full
signed by an apprentice curate.
How much is that?
Two pebbles.|All the way up to this one,
which is a pardon for anything:
murder, adultery, dismemberment|of a friend or relative.
- Who is that signed by?|- Both Popes.
That's a good one.
Curses are much the same.|I got this for half an egg.
Curse. "Dear Enemy,
I curse you and hope that something|unpleasant happens to you,
like an onion falling on your head."
That's the bottom end|of the market.
They run to this one|for four ducats.
"Dear Enemy, May the Lord hate you|and all your kind."
"May you be turned orange
and may your head fall off|at an awkward moment."
- Does this work?|- Yes.
- Really?|- Yes!
- Really?|- No!
Moving on to relics,|we've got shrouds from Turin,
wine from the wedding at Cana,|splinters from the Cross...
and there's all the stuff|made by Jesus
in his days in the carpentry shop.
Pipe racks, coffee tables,|cake stands, book ends...
a nice cheeseboard, fruit bowls,|waterproof sandals...
- I haven't finished this one yet.|- Disgraceful!
- They're obviously fake!|- Ha! Yes.
But how will people tell|which are the real relics?
They won't. That's the point.
Well, you won't be able|to fool everyone. Look!
I have here a true relic.
What is it?
It is a bone|from the finger of Our Lord.
It cost me 31 pieces of silver.
Good Lord! Is it real??
It is, My Lord.|Baldrick, you stand amazed.
I am. I thought|they only came in boxes of ten.
I could've given you one of mine.
Yeah, fingers|are really big now.
But for a quick sale,|you can't beat a nose.
This is the Sacred Appendage|Compendium Party Pack.
Jesus's nose...|St Peter's nose...
St Francis's nose...
Oh, no. They're Joan of Arc's.
Bastard verger! I'll show him!
I'll show him!
- Hello.|- Good evening.
And what can I do for you?
Well, we're here to murder|the Archbishop of Canterbury...
..'s various enemies.
- We fear he may be in danger.|- Really? How?
Let me see.|Perhaps good King Richard,
- angry with the Archbishop...|- Don't know why.
..might well send two drunken|knights fresh from the Crusades
on a mission|to wreak vengeance on him.
Good point. It has happened before.
Sorry, I didn't|quite catch your names.
- George de Boef.|- How do you do?
Justin de Boinod.
Two drunken knights|fresh from the Crusades
and here on a mission|for King Richard, bless him!
And your mission?
We're here to kill...
..a bit of time...|before our next Crusade.
Oh, right, yes.
Well, I'll just go and get him.
Ah, Baldrick, a couple of knights|to see the Archbishop.
Oh, my God!
My Lord,|I've something to tell you.
If it's about the nuns at Uppingham|and the candelabra, I've heard it.
No, there's two men outside|who've come to kill you.
I-I'm terribly sorry about this.|I'll just see what the delay is.
Look, what's going on?
Those two men have come to kill us!
Oh, just because they've a bit of|class, you assume they're killers!
Oh, my God, there's no way out!
Help! Help! Oh, my God, help us!
They've dropped off!
- Ya-ah-h!|- Ya-a-ah!
Damn! They must have gone down|the secret passage to the nunnery.
Sisters, three men came in.|Which way did they go?
(Falsetto)|Oh, I think they went that way.
God bless you!
Wait! They'll be watching out|for us dressed like this.
Quick! In here!
(They titter nervously)
Pray, Sister, have you seen|two burly knights pass this way?
(Cracked falsetto)|Er, no, Sister. More's the pity!
Why don't you try that way?
- (Normal voices) Thanks.|- You're welcome.
And yet, Mother Superior,
does not St. Paul say|in The Ephesians,
"A woman is like a bat -
"often heard but never seen."?
No, I don't think so, Sara.
Shall we check the dormitory?
Oh, yes, Mother Superior.|Good idea!
I've told you a thousand times,
fighting in the dormitories|is forbidden!
Who is the ringleader?
You! Yes, you, the plain girl!
Oh, my God!|It's the Archbishop of Canterbury!
And a man! Ooh-h!
Er, I think I can explain.|(Giggles weakly)
And that, sweet lady,|is the whole story.
Let's go over the facts again.
Once appointed Archbishop,
you found all your interests lay|in beautiful vestments.
Ah, the fine embroidery!
Unable to resist|the slide into depravity,
you began to|dress up like a nun.
The irresistible texture|of the hessian underthings!
I can understand that.
Then you forced|the Bishop of Ramsgate
and Brother Baldrick to do so also.
Oh, may I be cursed for it!
Finally,|you got two knights drunk
and invited them to wrestle|with you inside the nunnery
- in a heathen orgy.|- That's it, yes.
It bears the ring of truth|and I must therefore tell you
that I have written to all Popes|recommending your excommunication.
Never more may you be|Archbishop of Canterbury!
Enough, Sister Sara.|I think he's learnt his lesson.
Oh. Ow! Ow!
Go, sirrah, and meet thy doom!
(Ominous organ chords)
Quick! The nunnery's on fire!
# The sound of hoofbeats|cross the glade
# Good folk,|lock up your son and daughter
# Beware the deadly flashing blade
# Unless you want to end up shorter
# Black Adder, Black Adder
# He rides a pitch-black steed
# Black Adder, Black Adder
# He's very bad indeed
# Black his gloves of finest mole
# Black his codpiece made of metal
# His horse is blacker than a vole
# His pot is blacker|than his kettle
# Black Adder, Black Adder
# With many a cunning plan
# Black Adder, Black Adder,
# You horrid little man! #
Alas! The corruption of the world!
I'm tired and weary.|You may leave.
- Very well.|- Alas.
Presumably you won't be|needing the unicorn tonight?
No. No, not tonight, Sara.
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Best years of our lives 1946
Bet on My Disco
Better Off Dead 1985
Better Than Chocolate
Better Tomorrow 2 A CD1
Better Tomorrow 2 A CD2
Better Tomorrow 3 A
Better Way To Die A
Between Heaven and Hell
Beverly Hillbillies The 1993
Beverly Hills Ninja
Beyond Borders CD1
Beyond Borders CD2
Beyond The Clouds
Bez konca (No End 1985) CD1
Bez konca (No End 1985) CD2
Biches Les (Claude Chabrol 1968)
Bicho de sete cabezas
Big Blue The CD1
Big Blue The CD2
Big Bounce The
Big Chill The
Big Deal on Madonna Street (1958)
Big Fat Liar
Big Fish 2003
Big Hit The
Big Lebowski The
Big Mommas House
Big Shot - A Confessions of a Campus Bookie 2002
Big Sleep The
Big clock The 1948
Big girls dont cry
Billy Madison 1995
Bingwoo 2004 CD1
Bingwoo 2004 CD2
Bionicle 2 A Legends of Metru-Nui
Bionicle Mask Of Light 2003
Birch Tree Meadow The
Bird People in China The 1998 CD1
Bird People in China The 1998 CD2
Bird on a wire
Bishops Wife The 1947 CD1
Bishops Wife The 1947 CD2
Bite the bullet
Bitter Sugar (Azucar amarga)
BlackAdder 1x1 - The Foretelling
BlackAdder 1x2 - Born to be King
BlackAdder 1x3 - The Archbishop
BlackAdder 1x4 - The Queen of Spains Beard
BlackAdder 1x5 - Witchsmeller Pursuivant
BlackAdder 1x6 - The Black Seal
BlackAdder 2x1 - Bells
BlackAdder 2x2 - Head
BlackAdder 2x3 - Potato
BlackAdder 2x4 - Money
BlackAdder 2x5 - Beer
BlackAdder 2x6 - Chains
BlackAdder 4x1 - Captain Cook
BlackAdder 4x2 - Corporal Punishment
BlackAdder 4x3 - Major Star
BlackAdder 4x4 - Private Plane
BlackAdder 4x5 - General Hospital
BlackAdder 4x6 - Goodbyeee
BlackAdder Christmas Carol 1988
BlackAdder The Cavalier Years
BlackAdder the Third 3x1
BlackAdder the Third 3x2
BlackAdder the Third 3x3
BlackAdder the Third 3x4
BlackAdder the Third 3x5
BlackAdder the Third 3x6
Black Adder V - Back and Forth
Black Hawk Down
Black Mask 2
Black Rain CD1
Black Rain CD2
Black Widow 1987
Black and White (1998)
Blackout The 1997 CD1
Blackout The 1997 CD2
Blade 3 - Trinity
Blade Of Fury
Blade Runner (1982 Original Cut) CD1
Blade Runner (1982 Original Cut) CD2
Blade Runner Directors Cut
Blair Witch Project The
Blame It On Rio
Blast From The Past 1999
Blast from the Past
Blazing Sun (1960) CD1
Blazing Sun (1960) CD2
Bless The Child
Blind Chance (1987) CD1
Blind Chance (1987) CD2
Blind Spot Hitlers Secretary (2002)
Blob The 1988
Blood Wedding (1981)
Blood and Black Lace
Blow 2001 CD1
Blow 2001 CD2
Blow Dry 2001
Blown Away 1994 CD1
Blown Away 1994 CD2
Blue (Derek Jarman)
Blue Collar Comedy Tour The Movie
Blue Max The CD1
Blue Max The CD2
Blue Planet The 1
Blue Planet The 2 - The Deep
Blue Planet The 3 - Open Ocean
Blue Planet The 4 - Frozen Seas
Blue Spring 2001
Blue juice 1995
Blues Brothers The (1980) CD1
Blues Brothers The (1980) CD2
Boat Trip - Feedback Overflow
Bob Le Flambeur 1955
Bob Marley Story - Rebel Music
Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice
Bone Collector The
Bonnie and Clyde
Book of Fate The
Book of Pooh The
Boondock Saints The
Boot Das 1981 CD1
Boot Das 1981 CD2
Bourne supremacy The-1CD
Boy Who Saw The Wind The
Boys and Girls
Boyz N the Hood
Branca de Neve
Bread and Roses
Breakfast Club The
Breakfast at Tiffanys
Breakin all the rules
Bride with White Hair The
Bridge Man The CD1
Bridge Man The CD2
Broadway Danny Rose
Brother (Takeshi Kitano)
Brother Sun Sister Moon 1972
Brother from Another Planet The 1984
Brotherhood Of The Wolf
Buena Estrella La (Lucky Star)
Bugs Bunny - Baseball Bugs (1946)
Bugs Bunny - Big Top Bunny (1951)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs Bunny Gets the Boid (1942)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs Bunny and the Three Bears (1944)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs and Thugs (1954)
Bugs Bunny - Bully for Bugs (1953)
Bugs Bunny - Frigid Hare (1949)
Bugs Bunny - Hair-Raising Hare (1946)
Bugs Bunny - Haredevil Hare (1948)
Bugs Bunny - Long Haired Hare (1949)
Bugs Bunny - My Bunny Lies Over the Sea (1948)
Bugs Bunny - Rabbits Kin (1952)
Bugs Bunny - Tortoise Wins by a Hare (1943)
Bugs Bunny - Wabbit Twouble (1941)
Bugs Bunny - Water Water Every Hare (1952)
Bugs Bunny - Whats Up Doc (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck - Rabbit Fire (1951)
Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck - Rabbit Seasoning (1952)
Bugs Bunny and Elmer - Rabbit of Seville (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Taz - Devil May Hare (1954)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Ballot Box Bunny (1951)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Big House Bunny (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Bunker Hill Bunny (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - High Diving Hare (1949)
Bugs Life A
Bullet in the Head
Bulletproof Monk 2003
Bullets Over Broadway
Bully (Unrated Theatrical Edition)
Burning Paradise (Ringo Lam 1994)
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid A Special Edition
Butchers Wife The