BlackAdder 1x6 - The Black Seal
St Juniper once said,|"By his loins shall ye know him,
"and by the length|of his rod shall he be measured."
The length of my rod|is a mystery to all but the Queen
and a thousand Turkish whores!
But the fruits of my loins|are here for all to see.
I have two sons -
Harry and another one.
Step forward, Harry,|Prince of Wales.
Harry, I hereby name thee|Captain of the Guard,
Grand Warden of the Eastern|and Northern Marches,
Chief Lunatic of Gloucester,
Viceroy of Wales,|Sheriff of Nottingham,
Marquis of the Midlands,
Lord Po-maker in Ordinary,|and Harbinger of the Doomed Rat!
Step forward, the other one!
Thy titles have been but few -
Duke of Edinburgh|and Warden of the Royal Privy.
It is so, My Lord.
We thank thee, Egbert,|for thy work in Edinburgh.
We relieve thee of thy heavy task,
and give the dukedom to our cousin,|Hastings. Many happy returns, Tom.
I have discharged|the duties of Juniper!
Chiswick, fresh horses!|We ride at once to rebellious Stoke,
where it is my sworn intent|to approach the city walls,
bare my broad buttocks,
and shout, "Behold,|I honour thee most highly!"
(Fanfare and cheering)
It could've been worse, My Lord.
I thought you might lose the privy!
Er, no, My Lord, you're right.
I must clear away|the chaff from my life,
then let shine forth|the true wheat of greatness!
- Do it at once, My Lord!|- Very well.
Percy, you are dismissed|from my services.
far from being a fit consort|for a prince of the realm,
you would bore the leggings|off a village idiot!
You ride a horse rather less well|than another horse would.
Your brain would make a grain|of sand look large and ungainly.
And the part of you|that can't be mentioned,
I am reliably informed,|wouldn't be worth mentioning,
even if it could be!
If you put on a floppy hat|and a furry codpiece,
you might pass as a fool,|but since you wouldn't know a joke
if it got up|and gave you a haircut,
I doubt it! So you are dismissed!
- Oh, I see.|- And as for you, Baldrick...
- My Lord?|- You're out, too.
Will you go back|to shovelling dung in the gutter?
- Shouldn't think so.|- No?
No, it took me years|to get that job.
I'll muck out the lepers|or something.
It'll be years before|I get back to shovelling dung.
- Get out of my way!|- Going on a journey, My Lord?
No, I'm going to|stand here all day.
So you'll need a horse-tender?
If I did, I wouldn't take you!|Look at you!
What is your profession?
One, two, three! One, two, three!
My God! A retired morris dancer!|That's all I need!
If you can keep up,|you can come. Hah!
Here he comes now.
Oh, my God!
(Irish accent)|So, Sir Wilfred Death,
your tyranny is now at an end.
Prepare to be strung by your|codlings and bound on that tree.
Sir Wilfred Death.
I'm looking for some men|to take over the kingdom.
How many have you got so far?
So, we are agreed -
he who wins takes the horse.
There is our mark.|You shoot first.
Yeah. That's good.
So good, in fact,
I'm going to have to...
and surrender.|Your money or your life.
Here. Take it.|It's all the money I have.
Now, let me pass.
Damn! I'm always doing this.
Did I say,|"Your money or your life"?
- You did.|- Sorry. Slip of the tongue.
Your money and your life.
Thanks, Ned. See you Thursday.
- Guy!|- Wilfred!
Now, what we need|is a real bastard!
Sean, the Irish bastard!
Pity the blind, sir.
Pity the blind, kind sir.
'Ere! Business is|very quiet this morning!
Aye, everyone's gone to lunch.
Friar, I fear greatly|for her chastity.
Alas, such is|the way of the world.
The sweetest rose too often is...
plucked too soon.
Yes. I wondered...
if you would take her|while I'm gone.
Yes. The answer is yes.
Friar Bellows! (Pop!)
Doing the Lord's work?
I'm administering extreme unction!
So, who shall be|our seventh, Wilfred?
Need I say? Jack!
Not Mad Bully-boy Jack,|grave-robbing assassin of Aldwych?
- No.|- Then Crazed Animal Jack,
the cattle-rustling cannibal|from Sutton Coldfield?
Then yer man Saint Jack O'Hooligan,
the man-hatin' goat-murderer|of Dingle Bay?
- No.|- Surely not Canon Jack Smulley,
senior Archdeacon, entrail-eating|heretic of Bath and Wells?
I'm talking|of Unspeakably Violent Jack,
the bull-buggering beast-killer|of no fixed abode.
Are you sure he's the kind of chap|we're looking for?
And here he comes.
What do you think you're doing?
- Are you with us, Jack?|- Aye!
..so I kissed her on her left foot!
(Drunken laughter and cheering)
Tell me, Jack,|what is your second name?
Large. Jack Large!
Then in our band,|you shall be known as Large Jack!
Well...because you are so little.
Why not Little Jack, then?
Well, because Large Jack|is more amusing.
- Is it?|- Very well, then - Little Jack.
Do you wish to mock my size?
N-N-No! Of course not.|Um, innkeeper!
- Some more beer!|- Hurray!
Six large beers...
and, er...and another large beer!
- Let us then go onto the plan.|- Ah, the plan!
First, a motto for our enterprise.
- Blessed are the meek...|- (All) Eh?!
..for they shall be slaughtered!
- Hurray!|- Wait, wait! The plan!
- The plan!|- I thought it was the plan.
Let's get those meek bastards now!|(Cheers)
Who wants quiet? I want chaos!
- (All) What?|- ..mercilessly crushed underfoot!
- Silence!|- Silence!
Peace! The word of the Lord!
For Christ's sake,|let's hear the plan!
Very well. The plan is simple.
- Not cunning?|- Get on with the plan!
Well, it's cunning|in its simplicity.
Tonight I ride for home.
I say strike now|while the iron is hot!
But the iron isn't hot!
- Isn't it?|- No, it's just...
er, warming up. But when it is hot,|then we will strike.
Do we have to wait till summer?
- No, when the iron is hot.|- What iron?
- Right. I shall send for you all.|- How?
- Well, by a message, a sign.|- What sort of sign?
Well, um...|something black...probably.
- Black pudding?|- Not quite.
A messenger|with the black plague, perhaps?
- That's better.|- He means to kill us!
No, I mean a messenger|with black...hair.
- A black-headed messenger!|- That's it.
And when he comes to you,|drop whatever you are doing,
and speed with haste|to Jasper's Tavern.
- How is old Jasper?|- Dead.
- How?|- I killed him.
Then, I shall take you|to the castle
where we will capture the King|and the Queen and the Prince.
I'll say,|"The Kingdom of Albion is ours!"
"You are doomed|to lives of exile. Get out!"
Yes, exile! For life!
But why don't we just kill them?
Well...I suppose|we could kill them...Yes!
(Enthusiastic growls)|Wait! Wait till I send the sign.
By a messenger|with blackheads all over his face!
How do we know it isn't a trap?
Because...the Black Adder|gives you his word.
We want your word,|not this Black Adder fellow's!
But...I am the Black Adder.
- Ohh.|- Oh, I see.
And when all is done,
the Black Seal shall rule England.
We few! We happy few!
We band of ruthless bastards!
- All for one...|- ..and each man for himself!
You're in a merry mood, My Lord!
Oh, yes. No-one can stop me now!
- No-one?|- No, no-one!
No, not even him.
And who might that be, My Lord?
Well...there was a man.
Philip of Burgundy...
known to his enemies as...
We were deadly childhood rivals.
Although, of course, in those days|he was known as the Thrush!
No-one's heard of him for years.
Well, come on. Let's go.|We've got work to do.
Not so fast, Edinburgh!
This Hawk - did he|look something like...this?
Mmm... Not really, no.
Oh, my God! Philip of Burgundy!
Known to my enemies as...
But...but your horse...|used to be a huge, brown...
Yes. Yes, that's the one.
Well...it's been|very good to see you, er...Phil!
- This time, not fast enough!|- What do you want with me?
I'll tell you later!
I return at last after 15 years.
And what have you been up to?
Waiting, nurturing my hatred|and planning my revenge.
So you've kept yourself busy?
Yes. 15 years in France|teaches a man to hate.
15 years of wearing perfume!
15 years of eating frogs!
15 years of saying "par-don"!
- And all because of you!|- But surely...the scenery...
I never went outside. The smell!
What has this got to do with me?
Because, Edmund,|it is going to take you 15 years
- 15 years?|- Yes!
It'd be more amusing|if you found out yourself.
But it has something to do with...
Where are you going?
To kill the royal family
and claim the throne|that isn't mine by right!
who made the birds and the bees,
and the snails, presumably,
please help me,
a little animal, too,|in my despair.
I have been a sinner,
but now I intend to follow|the path of the saints,
particularly|the very religious ones.
In the name of the Father, Son,|and Holy Ghost, amen.
- Amen!|- What?
- Amen, I said!|- Argh!
Did I get it wrong? I haven't|heard that word for 20 years.
Who are you?|I didn't realise I had company!
"Company"? I haven't heard|that word for 20 years either!
Or "realise"! I'd forgotten!
- Realise!|- You're not mad, are you?
Yes, I'm very mad, thank you. Mad!
That's the words I know.|I say them every day.
I say, "How are you, Mad Gerald?"
I say,|"I'm completely mad, thank you."
"Not much change, then, Gerald?"
"No, you'd be mad to expect any."
- Right...|- I am mad!
- I'm Mad Gerald!|- Quiet! Ssh!
Look, this may seem|a stupid question...
..but do you know if|there's a way out of here?
A way out?
(Manic laughter continues)
A way out, you say?
I haven't heard those words|- a way out - for...ooh...
- 20 years?|- Yes! Yes, 20 years.
Not like Mr Rat.
- I'm always saying, "Mr Rat".|- Who?
I tend to say,|"Good morning, Mr Rat.
"How are you today?"|And he says, um...
"Meep, meep, meep, meep!"
No, you mustn't be rude|about Mr Rat. He's my best friend.
- Yes.|- Eek-eek!
There's him and there's Mr Key.
- What?|- Mr Key!
I made him...out of my own teeth.
Good morning, Mr Key.
(Gerald)|Close the bloody door!
Stop! Stop!|Where are you going?
I'll tell you where.
Wherever I can sell|these six black homing pigeons.
Black homing pigeons?
- How much are they?|- Six shillings.
If you beat me|and tied me to that tree,
you could have 'em for less!
At the striking of ten bells,
I shall claim the throne.|(Pop!)
Gentlemen, to what|do I owe this pleasure?
(Someone is running up the stairs)
To me, Burgundy!
Edmund! I had not expected|to see you again.
No. Dead men don't tend|to make social calls!
- Prepare to die!|- Wait!
Let me say just one last thing.
If these men are indeed|as they seem,
the six most evil men|in the land...
They are!|Your last sentence, please?
They've made an odd choice|for their leader,
Lord Warden of the Privy!
What? You think|they should've chosen you, Thrush?
(All laugh) A man twisted|by unbridled ambition.
A man tortured|by insatiable greed!
- The most evil man in the world!|- Oh!
They should've chosen you?
- (All) Yes!|- But he's a mindless killer!
- Hurray!|- He'll destroy the kingdom!
- Hurray!|- He murdered his own family.
- Who didn't? I killed mine.|- I killed mine!
- And I killed yours.|- Did you?
- Yes.|- Good on you, Father!
- Are you with me, then?|- Yes!
Prepare to die!
Wait! I have|a more...amusing method.
Amusing for whom, I wonder?
(All gasp in wonder)
- Bravo!|- Well done!
In precisely one minute,
the spike will go up your nethers.|(Cheering)
The shears will cut off your ears!
- Both of them?|- Yes.
These axes|will chop off your hands.
I do not think|we need go into the attributes
of the codling grinder!
These feathers here will tickle you|under what's left of your arms.
And that is the amusing part!
Gentlemen, let us slaughter|the rest of the royal family.
- God save the King!|- (All) 'Cos nobody else will!
Stop! Let us relieve these wenches|of their delightful burden,
and drink a toast|to our enterprise.
May good thrive!
(All)|Over our dead bodies!
Mmm, it's got a bit|of a sting in its tail!
- Oh, Edmund!|- Edmund!
You called me Edmund!
Sorry. Edgar! How are you?
Not so well.
..what do you think my chances are?
- Oh, good. Good.|- He will live?
Hmm? Oh, no. I thought you meant|your chances of going to heaven.
Never fear, my son.
Your body may be mutilated|beyond recognition,
but your spirit will live forever!
- What did you say?|- I give you Edgar!
I told you to poison|the Black Seal's goblets,
not the whole vat!
What is it?
The Black Dagger!
- (All) The Black Dagger!|- (Faintly) Adder!
May his name|last as long as our dynasty!
I wonder if it was the wine...
No. Seems perfectly all right to me.
And now, at last,
I shall be King of E...
# So now the wage of sin is paid
# The blade has stuck|The black steed grazes
# The only sound across the glade
# Is Edmund pushing up the daisies
# Black Adder
# Black Adder
# A shame about the Plan
# Black Adder
# Black Adder
# Farewell, you horrid man #
Don't drink the wine!
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Bugs Bunny - Baseball Bugs (1946)
Bugs Bunny - Big Top Bunny (1951)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs Bunny Gets the Boid (1942)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs Bunny and the Three Bears (1944)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs and Thugs (1954)
Bugs Bunny - Bully for Bugs (1953)
Bugs Bunny - Frigid Hare (1949)
Bugs Bunny - Hair-Raising Hare (1946)
Bugs Bunny - Haredevil Hare (1948)
Bugs Bunny - Long Haired Hare (1949)
Bugs Bunny - My Bunny Lies Over the Sea (1948)
Bugs Bunny - Rabbits Kin (1952)
Bugs Bunny - Tortoise Wins by a Hare (1943)
Bugs Bunny - Wabbit Twouble (1941)
Bugs Bunny - Water Water Every Hare (1952)
Bugs Bunny - Whats Up Doc (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck - Rabbit Fire (1951)
Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck - Rabbit Seasoning (1952)
Bugs Bunny and Elmer - Rabbit of Seville (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Taz - Devil May Hare (1954)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Ballot Box Bunny (1951)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Big House Bunny (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Bunker Hill Bunny (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - High Diving Hare (1949)
Bugs Life A
Bullet in the Head
Bulletproof Monk 2003
Bullets Over Broadway
Bully (Unrated Theatrical Edition)
Burning Paradise (Ringo Lam 1994)
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid A Special Edition
Butchers Wife The