BlackAdder 2x1 - Bells
Father, I must speak. I can be silent no longer.
All day long you mutter to yourself,|gibber, dribble, moan
and bat your head against the wall,|yelling: "I want to die!"
Now you may say|I'm leaping to conclusions, but...
..you're not completely happy, are you?
- It's mother, isn't it?|- No, it's not.
You're brooding over her death.
Kate, for the final time, your mother is|not dead. She's run off with Uncle Henry.
Dear Father, I know you only|say such things to comfort me.
Your mother is alive and well|and living in Droitwich.
It is not her I brood over.
I'm sad because, my darling, our poverty|has now reached such extremes
that I can no longer afford to keep us.
I must look to my own dear tiny darling|to sustain me in my frail dotage.
- But Father, surely...|- Yes, Kate.
I want you to become a prostitute.
- Father!|- Do you defy me?
But indeed, I do. For it's better to die|poor than to live in shame and ignominy.
- No, it isn't.|- I'm young and strong and clever.
My nose is pretty.|I shall find another way to earn us a living.
Oh, please, go on the game.
It is a steady job and you'd|be working from home.
I shall go to London, disguise myself|as a boy and seek my fortune!
Why go all the way to London when you|can make a fortune lying on your back?
- Very good shot, my Lord.|- Thank you, Baldrick.
- Sorry I'm late.|- I'm sorry you're alive.
Good, I see the target is ready.
I'd like to see the Spaniard|who could make his way past me.
Go to Spain. There are millions of them.
I'll advise them to stay there then.|Keep their hands off our women.
- Who is she this time?|- I don't know what you mean.
- And who is Jane?|- I'm sworn to secrecy.
Torture me, kill me, you shall never know.
Jane Herrington.|We're very much in love, my Lord.
- This is the Jane Herrington?|- Yes.
Jane "burry me in a Y-shaped coffin"|Herrington?
I think maybe there are two Jane Herringtons.
- No... Tall, blonde, elegant?|- That's right.
Goes like a privy door|when the plague is in town?
Get on with your shot. You'll get over her.
So did Baldrick actually.
She's got this thing about beards.
Well, in that case I'm going to shave!
Bad luck, Balders.
Not to worry, my Lord, the arrow|didn't in fact enter my body.
No, by a thousand to one chance|my willy got in the way.
- Extraordinary.|- I only just put it there.
But now, I will leave it there forever.
Is that so, Baldrick? It can be your lucky willy.
Yes, my Lord. Years from now|I'll show it to my grandchildren.
I think that grandchildren|may now be out of the question.
Poor old pea-brain. Ha! Never catch me|falling in love, that's for damned sure.
(KNOCKING ON THE DOOR)|Come in.
Good day to you, Lord Blackadder!
Good day to you...
..boy?! What brings you here?
I'm an honest hard-working lad,|but poor, and I must support my father
who is stark raving mad. Therefore, I come|to London to seek a servant's wage.
Unfortunately I already have a servant.
The word is that your servant|is the worst servant in London.
That's true. Baldrick, you're fired.|Be out of the house in ten minutes.
Young man, you've got yourself a job.|What do they call you?
- Kate.|- Isn't that a bit of a girl's name?
Oh... it's... short for...
- Bob?!|- Yes.
Well, Bob, welcome on board.
Sorry, Baldrick, any reason you're still here?
I've got nowhere to go, my Lord.
Surely you'll be allowed to starve to death|in one of the royal parks.
I've been in your service|since I was two and a half.
That's why I'm so utterly sick|of the sight of you.
Couldn't I just stay here and do the|same job but for no wages?
- You know where you'll have to live.|- In the gutter.
And you'll have to work a bit harder too.
Go and get Bob's stuff in|and chuck your filthy muck out.
God bless you, sweet master.
Bob, this is Percy, a dimwit|I don't seem to be able to shake off.
Hello there, Bob, you young roister-doister, you.
You look a likely sort of lad for tricks|and sports and jolly, rosy, cheap capering.
Of course you do, and more besides,|I warrant thee, young scamp.
Thank you so much|for letting me stay, Lord Blackadder.
I'm looking forward to having you...|Having another man about the house
instead of that animal Baldrick.
Excuse me, I must go to the lavatory.
How little he knows and how much|I would have him know.
I say, Bob, I think this calls for a celebration.
How about a game of cup and ball and|a slap-up tea at Mrs Miggins pie shop?
Get lost, creep!
I like you, young Bob. You've got balls.
Nice try, Melchie, but it's no use. I'm still bored.
Your royal father used to be very amused|by my impersonation of Columbus.
Doesn't surprise me. He used to laugh at...
Those people|with the funny faces and the bells... ?
- Jesters, Ma'am?|- No.
Where is Edmund these days?
The whisper on the underground grapevine is
that Lord Blackadder is spending|all his time with a young boy in his service.
Do you think he'd spend more time with me|if I was a boy?
You almost were a boy, my little cherry-pip.
Out you popped and everyone's shouting:|"It's a boy, it's a boy!"
And somebody said:|"But it hasn't got a winkle!"
And I said: "God be praised,|it's a miracle. A boy without a winkle!"
And then Sir Thomas More pointed out|that a boy without a winkle is a girl.
Everyone was really disappointed.
He was a very perceptive man Sir Thomas More.
What has happened to Edmund?
There's something odd about someone|who spends all their time with a servant.
Well, Bob.|We're a couple of fine lads, aren't we?
Let's get ratted and talk about girls, eh?
Yes, we could sing some really dirty songs and...
Oh God, I find you curiously|pleasant company, young Bob.
I'm honoured and for my part want nothing|more than to be with you, old man.
Well, there's nothing more healthy and|normal than having a good chum.
- What think you, my Lord, of love?|- You mean rumpy pumpy?
What would you say, my Lord,|if I were to say: "I love you."
Um, well of course it depends entirely|on whom you said it to.
If you said it to a horse|I would presume you were sick.
If you said it to Baldrick|I would presume you were blind.
- If you said it to me, well...|- Yes, my Lord?
Well, I'd assume we were having|a big lad's joke about back-tickle,
as the way we healthy fellows often do,|and I'd grab you for a friendly wrestle
and then we'd probably slap each|other's sides like jolly good chums
and laugh at what it would be like|if we really did... fancy each other.
In that case, my Lord... I love you!
Don't worry, Bob, he used to try to kill me too.
Baldrick, mighty glad to see you.|What do you want?
I was wondering if I might sleep|on the roof. The town bailiff says
if I lie in the gutter I'll be flushed into|the Thames with the other turds.
Yes, certainly Baldrick. Help yourself.|I was just off to bed anyway.
Good night, Baldrick.
Good night, Bob.
Good night, my Lord.
Yes. Oh God...
- What seems to be the trouble?|- It's my man servant.
I see. Well, don't be embarrassed.|If you've got the pox
just pop your man servant on the table|and we'll take a look at him.
No, I mean, it's my real man servant.
- And what's wrong with him?|- Nothing, that's the problem. He's perfect.
And last night I almost kissed him.
I see. So you've started|fancying boys then, have you?
- Not boys. A boy.|- Well, let's not split hairs.
It's all rather disgusting|and naturally you're worried.
It isn't every day a man wakes up|to discover he's a screaming bender
with no more right to live on God's clean|earth than a weasel. Ashamed of yourself?
- Not really, no.|- Bloody hell. I would be.
But why should I complain? Just leaves|more rampant totty for us real men.
Am I paying for this personal abuse|or is it extra?
All part of the service.|I think you're in luck though.
An extraordinary new cure has just been|developed for this kind of sordid problem.
- Has it got anything to do with leeches?|- I had no idea you were a medical man.
You try to cure everything with leeches.
A leech on my ear for earache,|a leech on my bottom for constipation.
- They're marvellous, aren't they?|- Not the bottom one. I squashed it.
The leech comes to us on the highest authority.
- I know. Dr Hoffmann of Stuttgart.|- That's right, the great Hoffmann.
Owner of the largest leech farm in Europe.
Well, I cannot spend all day gossiping.
As far as this case is concerned|I have now had time to think it over
and I can strongly recommend|a course of leeches.
Yes, pop a couple down my codpiece|before I go to bed.
No, don't be ridiculous. This isn't the Dark Ages.
Just pop four in your mouth in the morning|and let them dissolve slowly.
In a couple of weeks you 'll be beating your|servant with a stick like the rest of us.
- You're just an old quack, aren't you?|- I'd rather be a quack, than a duckie.
Anything to follow, my Lord? There's this|lovely fat spider I found in the bath.
- I was saving it for myself...|- Shut up, Baldrick.
I don't eat invertebrates for fun, you know.|This is doctor's orders.
Oh, I don't hold with this new doctoring.|Any problems, I go to the wise woman.
I am long past on trusting myself|to some deranged druid
who gives her professional address as|1 Dunghill Mansions, Putney.
- Tell me, young crone, is this Putney?|- That it be, that it be.
"Yes it is". Not "that it be".
You don't have to talk|in that stupid voice to me. I'm not a tourist.
- I seek information about a wise woman.|- The wise woman. The wise woman.
Yes, the wise woman.
Two things, my Lord,|must thee know of the wise woman.
First, she is...
And second, she is...
- You do know her, then?|- No, just a wild stab in the dark.
Which is incidentally what you'll be getting|if you don't start being a bit more helpful.
- Do you know where she lives?|- Of course.
- Where?|- Here. Do you have an appointment?
Well, you can go in anyway.
Thank you. Here's a purse of moneys|which I'm not going to give to you.
- Hail Edmund, Lord of Adders Black.|- Hello.
Step no nearer, for already|I see thy bloody purpose.
Thou plot is, Blackadder, thou wouldst be king
and drown Middlesex in a butt of wine.
No, it's far worse than that.|I'm in love with my man servant.
- Oh well, I'd sleep with him if I were you.|- What?
When I fancy people, I sleep with them.|I have to drug them first of course.
Being so old and warty.
But what about my position, my social life?
Three other paths are open to you.|Three cunning plans to cure thy ailment.
- Oh good.|- The first is simple.
- Kill Bob!|- Never.
Then try the second. Kill yourself!
And the third?
The third is to ensure that|no one else ever knows.
- That sounds more like it. How?|- Kill everybody in the whole world.
I've got something important to say to you|and I want you to listen very carefully.
Look, Bob. I've decided that you|are to leave my service.
Oh no, my Lord! My father will starve|and I'll have to become a male prostitute.
- I thought we were friends.|- We are friends, Bob.
Of course, of course, of course...
In fact that's the reason|I want you to leave my service
and become my live-in chum.
Oh, my Lord!
I want to make clear that I am in no way|interested in the contents of your tights.
You might be, my Lord,|if you knew what I kept in them.
I've learned of myself what a gentleman|keeps in his tights, thank you.
- But my Lord, I have a great secret.|- What?
Prepare to be amazed.
You haven't got one of these birthmarks|shaped like a banana, have you?
- No.|- Or a tattoo saying "Get it here"?
- No.|- Oh God.
You've got one of those belly buttons|that sticks outward.
- No, my Lord.|- What can it possbly be?
Aah... Good Lord!
What was that Bob's stuff about?
You would have just used me|like you have so many women before.
- Would I?|- Yes.
Now you had a chance to love me|for what I really am.
Yes, that's true|and now I want to marry you, Bob.
- Kate.|- Then come, kiss me, Kate!
I bring grave intelligence of your former|favourite Lord Blackadder.
He wishes to marry a girl called Bob.
That's a very odd name for a girl, isn't it?
Girls are normally called Elizabeth or Mary.
- And Donald...|- Mouth is open Nursie, should be shut.
I had three sisters called Donald, Eric and Basil.
- Then why is your name Nursie?|- That ain't my real name.
- What is your real name then?|- Bernard.
Suits you, actually.
- Hello, stranger.|- I seek your permission to wed.
So I hear. Melchie, what do you think of all this?
I'm astonished that Blackadder has eyes|for any other woman than yourself.
Good point. Though slightly grovely.
When I fell in love I didn't know she was|a woman. I thought she was a boy.
That makes it perfectly acceptable.
- Oh all right, go on and marry her.|- Thank you, Ma'am.
Just tell me one thing.
Is her nose as pretty as mine?
Oh, no, no, no, Ma'am.
Oh good, because otherwise|I would have cut it off.
And to marry someone without a nose|wouldn't be very nice, would it?
Imagine the mess when she's got a cold! Yuck!
Well quite, Ma'am.
All right, off you go then.
Everyone seems to get married except me.
- And me, Ma'am.|- Oh shut up, Bernard.
You'll make a lovely bridesmaid, Baldrick.
Pity me that I have no girl chums. We|were so poor we couldn't afford friends.
It's in keeping with our courtship|that your maid of honour should be a man.
Thank you, my Lord.
I use the word man|in as broad as possible a sense.
We all know God made man in his own image.
It would be a sad lookout for Christians|if God looked anything like you, Baldrick.
Ignore old Mister Grumpy.
There you are, Balders.
You look as sweet as a little pie.
Kate, he looks like what he is:|a dung ball in a dress.
Edmund, you didn't tell me|we were expecting guests.
And such a pretty one too.
Now you're a little cutie to be hiding|yourself away all these years.
- Tell me, gorgeous, what's your name?|- He's called Baldrick.
Baldrick. That's a pretty name.
Edmund used to have a servant called Baldrick.
But anyway, away with such small talk.
- Lady... a kiss.|- What?
And so modest too. Come on,|you little tease. You know you want to.
- Give us a kiss.|- Alright, if you say so.
What an original perfume.
That is our Baldrick. He's wearing a dress.
- Anyway, what do you want?|- Well, Edmund.
There's been discussion on the subject|of who's going to be your best man.
And I thought it might be the moment|to bring the subject to a conclusion.
- Yes, Percy. I would like you...|- I'm so proud!
Please, let me finish.|I would like you to take this letter to Dover
where is recently docked the galleon|of my old school friend Lord Flashheart.
- He shall be my best man.|- Lord Flashheart?
The best sword, the best shot, the best sailor
and the best kisser in the kingdom.
- To Dover at once.|- Yes.
Actually I was going to suggest|Lord Flashheart as the best man myself.
Edmund, I cannot believe it's really happening.
- It is, my sweet.|- I want you to meet my father.
Excuse me, could you move along, please.
I'm waiting for my father-in-law.
Last thing I want is some old beggar|blocking the door, smelling of cabbage.
I am your father-in-law.
Oh no... All right, how much|do you want to clear off?
Edmund, how could you?|He's my father, my only living relative.
- Ten pounds should do the trick.|- Father!
Edmund, you mustn't!
I'll get Baldrick to beat him up after|the ceremony. We'll get the money back.
Edmund, could we get on, do you think?
I want to get to the reception so I can get|squiffy and seduce someone.
Unfortunately, my best man has not arrived.
- Get another one.|- There's no one else I can really think of.
- Sorry, Percy?|- Nothing, my Lord, just clearing my throat.
Don't. I don't want you coughing|all the way through the ceremony.
Come on, Edmund. You must be|able to think of another best man.
- Well, I suppose I could ask Percy.|- My lord!
Can you think of another best man?
Well, my Lord, one name does spring to mind.
Yes, but I can't ask Baldrick. He's a bridesmaid.
Besides, I need a friend, an equal,|an old and trusty companion.
I think there is one person in the room|who fits the description.
Nursie! How do you fancy putting on|a pair of hose and being my best man?
Don't be so naughty. You know perfectly|well whom Percy is referring to.
I'm sorry. Melchett!
Ashamed as I am|and contradiction in terms though it is...
- Percy, you can be the best man.|- Oh, my Lord!
Noble cause, what an honour.|I brought along a ring, just...
I really did think old Flash|would have turned up.
- It's me!|- Flash!
Flash by name, Flash by nature.
- Hurrah!|- Hurrah!
- Where have you been?|- Where haven't I been!
I'm here now.
- Who is that?|- I don't know, but he's in your place.
Not for long. Hold that.
Thanks, bridesmaid, like the beard.
Gives me something to hang on to.
So me old mate Eddie is getting hitched, hey?
What's the matter?|Can't stand the pace of the in-crowd?
Hey, Queenie. You look sexy.
Listen, wear your hair long. I prefer it that way.
I've got such a crush on him.
Still worshipping God?
Last thing I heard he started worshipping me !
Nursie, I like it firm and fruity.
Am I pleased to see you|or did I just put a canoe in my pocket?
Down boy, down!
And now, where is this amazing bird?
The one who stopped my old pal Eddie|doing exactly whatever he wants.
Ah yes, Flash, let me|introduce my... fiancee Kate.
She's got a tongue like an electric eel and|she likes the taste of a man's tonsils.
You don't want to marry this jerk, baby.|Meet me on my horse in eight seconds.
But I can't run in this frock. I've found|I actually prefer wearing boy's clothes.
Weird. I always feel more comfy in a dress.
I've got a plan and it's as hot as my pants.
What a man Flash is, eh? Things will|liven around here, now he's back.
Won't they, Flash?
So long, suckers! Next time you get bored,|give me a call and I'll come and kill you.
- Bye, Edmund, and thanks for everything!|- Hurrah!
It is customary on these occasions|for the groom to marry the bridesmaid.
I presume you intend to honour this.
# So Flashheart tweaked the Adder's beard,|From now he always shall be single
# To fall in love with boys is weird,|Especially boys without a tingle
# Blackadder, Blackadder|His taste is rather odd
# Blackadder, Blackadder|A randy little sod
# Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart|I wish you were the star
# Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart,|You're sexier by far
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Belle and La Bete La (1946)
Bellinin And The Spynx CD1
Bellinin And The Spynx CD2
Bells Of St Marys The (1945)
Belly Of The Beast
Belly of an Architect The
Bend It Like Beckham
Bend of the River 1952
Beneath the Planet of the Apes
Benny and Joon
Best years of our lives 1946
Bet on My Disco
Better Off Dead 1985
Better Than Chocolate
Better Tomorrow 2 A CD1
Better Tomorrow 2 A CD2
Better Tomorrow 3 A
Better Way To Die A
Between Heaven and Hell
Beverly Hillbillies The 1993
Beverly Hills Ninja
Beyond Borders CD1
Beyond Borders CD2
Beyond The Clouds
Bez konca (No End 1985) CD1
Bez konca (No End 1985) CD2
Biches Les (Claude Chabrol 1968)
Bicho de sete cabezas
Big Blue The CD1
Big Blue The CD2
Big Bounce The
Big Chill The
Big Deal on Madonna Street (1958)
Big Fat Liar
Big Fish 2003
Big Hit The
Big Lebowski The
Big Mommas House
Big Shot - A Confessions of a Campus Bookie 2002
Big Sleep The
Big clock The 1948
Big girls dont cry
Billy Madison 1995
Bingwoo 2004 CD1
Bingwoo 2004 CD2
Bionicle 2 A Legends of Metru-Nui
Bionicle Mask Of Light 2003
Birch Tree Meadow The
Bird People in China The 1998 CD1
Bird People in China The 1998 CD2
Bird on a wire
Bishops Wife The 1947 CD1
Bishops Wife The 1947 CD2
Bite the bullet
Bitter Sugar (Azucar amarga)
BlackAdder 1x1 - The Foretelling
BlackAdder 1x2 - Born to be King
BlackAdder 1x3 - The Archbishop
BlackAdder 1x4 - The Queen of Spains Beard
BlackAdder 1x5 - Witchsmeller Pursuivant
BlackAdder 1x6 - The Black Seal
BlackAdder 2x1 - Bells
BlackAdder 2x2 - Head
BlackAdder 2x3 - Potato
BlackAdder 2x4 - Money
BlackAdder 2x5 - Beer
BlackAdder 2x6 - Chains
BlackAdder 4x1 - Captain Cook
BlackAdder 4x2 - Corporal Punishment
BlackAdder 4x3 - Major Star
BlackAdder 4x4 - Private Plane
BlackAdder 4x5 - General Hospital
BlackAdder 4x6 - Goodbyeee
BlackAdder Christmas Carol 1988
BlackAdder The Cavalier Years
BlackAdder the Third 3x1
BlackAdder the Third 3x2
BlackAdder the Third 3x3
BlackAdder the Third 3x4
BlackAdder the Third 3x5
BlackAdder the Third 3x6
Black Adder V - Back and Forth
Black Hawk Down
Black Mask 2
Black Rain CD1
Black Rain CD2
Black Widow 1987
Black and White (1998)
Blackout The 1997 CD1
Blackout The 1997 CD2
Blade 3 - Trinity
Blade Of Fury
Blade Runner (1982 Original Cut) CD1
Blade Runner (1982 Original Cut) CD2
Blade Runner Directors Cut
Blair Witch Project The
Blame It On Rio
Blast From The Past 1999
Blast from the Past
Blazing Sun (1960) CD1
Blazing Sun (1960) CD2
Bless The Child
Blind Chance (1987) CD1
Blind Chance (1987) CD2
Blind Spot Hitlers Secretary (2002)
Blob The 1988
Blood Wedding (1981)
Blood and Black Lace
Blow 2001 CD1
Blow 2001 CD2
Blow Dry 2001
Blown Away 1994 CD1
Blown Away 1994 CD2
Blue (Derek Jarman)
Blue Collar Comedy Tour The Movie
Blue Max The CD1
Blue Max The CD2
Blue Planet The 1
Blue Planet The 2 - The Deep
Blue Planet The 3 - Open Ocean
Blue Planet The 4 - Frozen Seas
Blue Spring 2001
Blue juice 1995
Blues Brothers The (1980) CD1
Blues Brothers The (1980) CD2
Boat Trip - Feedback Overflow
Bob Le Flambeur 1955
Bob Marley Story - Rebel Music
Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice
Bone Collector The
Bonnie and Clyde
Book of Fate The
Book of Pooh The
Boondock Saints The
Boot Das 1981 CD1
Boot Das 1981 CD2
Bourne supremacy The-1CD
Boy Who Saw The Wind The
Boys and Girls
Boyz N the Hood
Branca de Neve
Bread and Roses
Breakfast Club The
Breakfast at Tiffanys
Breakin all the rules
Bride with White Hair The
Bridge Man The CD1
Bridge Man The CD2
Broadway Danny Rose
Brother (Takeshi Kitano)
Brother Sun Sister Moon 1972
Brother from Another Planet The 1984
Brotherhood Of The Wolf
Buena Estrella La (Lucky Star)
Bugs Bunny - Baseball Bugs (1946)
Bugs Bunny - Big Top Bunny (1951)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs Bunny Gets the Boid (1942)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs Bunny and the Three Bears (1944)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs and Thugs (1954)
Bugs Bunny - Bully for Bugs (1953)
Bugs Bunny - Frigid Hare (1949)
Bugs Bunny - Hair-Raising Hare (1946)
Bugs Bunny - Haredevil Hare (1948)
Bugs Bunny - Long Haired Hare (1949)
Bugs Bunny - My Bunny Lies Over the Sea (1948)
Bugs Bunny - Rabbits Kin (1952)
Bugs Bunny - Tortoise Wins by a Hare (1943)
Bugs Bunny - Wabbit Twouble (1941)
Bugs Bunny - Water Water Every Hare (1952)
Bugs Bunny - Whats Up Doc (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck - Rabbit Fire (1951)
Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck - Rabbit Seasoning (1952)
Bugs Bunny and Elmer - Rabbit of Seville (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Taz - Devil May Hare (1954)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Ballot Box Bunny (1951)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Big House Bunny (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Bunker Hill Bunny (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - High Diving Hare (1949)
Bugs Life A
Bullet in the Head
Bulletproof Monk 2003
Bullets Over Broadway
Bully (Unrated Theatrical Edition)
Burning Paradise (Ringo Lam 1994)
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid A Special Edition
Butchers Wife The