BlackAdder 2x5 - Beer
I must say it was jolly nice of you|to ask me to share your breakfast.
It is said that civilised man seeks|out good and intelligent company.
Through learned discourse, he may|rise above savage and closer to God.
Yes, I've heard that.
I like to start the day with a dickhead|to remind me I'm best.
Beshrew me, Edmund! You're in good fooling.
Don't say 'beshrew me',|Only stupid actors say that.
Oh, how I would love to be an actor!
I had great talent for it.|I was the man of a thousand faces.
How'd you come to choose|the ugly mug you've got now?
- Tush, my lord.|- Don't say 'tush' either.
It's a short step from 'tush' to|'hey nonny' and then I'll call the police.
God pats me on the head and says:|"Good boy, Edmund!"
My aunt and uncle, Lord and Lady Whiteadder...
..the two most fanatical puritans in England...
..have invited themselves to dinner here tonight.
Aren't they the most frightful bores?
They have one great|redeeming feature; their wallets.
More capacious than an elephant's|scrotum and as difficult to get into.
At least until now, for tonight|they wish to discuss my inheritance.
Hey nonny nonny, my lord! Good news!
Why have you got cheese|tied to the end of your nose?
To catch mice, my lord.
I lie on the floor with my mouth open|and hope they scurry in.
- And do they?|- Not yet, my lord.
I'm not surprised. Your breath|comes straight from Satan's bottom.
The only mouse you're going to catch|is one without a nose.
That's a pity,|the nose is the best bit on a mouse.
That would be luxury compared to|what Percy and I must eat tonight.
We are entertaining|puritan vegetable folk, Balders.
- And that means no meat.|- Then I shall make Turnip Surprise.
- And the surprise is?|- There's nothing in it except turnip.
So, the Turnip Surprise would be a turnip.
Get the door, Baldrick.
If things go as planned,|congratulations are in order.
Nice try, Percy. But you're not getting a penny.
I would advise you to make|your explanation phenomenally good.
- You said: "Get the door".|- You're fired.
But, my lord,|I've been in your family since 1532!
So has syphilis. Now get out!
By the way, there was a messenger outside.
He says the Queen wants to see you;|Lord Melchett is very sick.
- He's at Death's door.|- My old reinstated family retainer.
Let's go and open it for him, then!
Edmund! Quick! Melchett's dying.|We must do something!
Yes, of course. Some sort of celebration.
But let's wait until he's actually snuffed it.
Nursie's old methods don't seem to be working.
It all started last night at about two o'clock.
I was tucked into bed having|a scrummy dream about ponies...
..when I was wakened by|a terrific banging from Lord Melchett.
I never knew he had it in him.
It's true! He was banging|on the castle gate, falling over...
And singing a strange song about|a girl who possessed something...
Oh, yes. It's a lovely old hymn.
I think I know what's wrong with Lord Melchett.
And unfortunately, it isn't fatal.
Hurry up and cure the horrible man.|I'm fed up with him moaning.
And letting off such great|and fruitsome flappy woof-woofs.
One can't believe one's tiny nosy.
The truth is,|Lord Melchett just can't take his ale.
I may be a little delicate this morning,|but what I drank last night...
..would have floored a rhinoceros!|- If it was allergic to lemonade.
It's Blackadder here who can't take his ale.
- Oh yeah?|- Yeah!
This is so exciting! The boys are getting tough.
We all remember the embarrassment|of the visit of the King of Austria...
..when Blackadder was found|naked at Hampton Court singing:
"I'm Merlin the Happy Pig!"
So what did you have last night?|A whole pint of potato juice?
I had two flagons of claret|and a double helping of curried turtle!
It's no holds barred with us at|the annual communion-wine tasting.
For me and the boys,|every night is drinking night!
- Says who?|- Says me!
You should come and have a look|at the underside of my table.
- Tonight!|- Tonight?
Yeah! Come on, Melchy.|What are you scared of?
All right, tonight. I'll be there.
Hurray! And last one under the table gets...
Ten thousand florins from the loser.
Right. Well, I'll get the beer in then.
- Do you know what I'm going to do?|- What?
I'm going to find out|what happens at these boys' nights.
- Good idea, poppet.|- And...
I'll wear a cloak with a cowl,|so no-one will recognise me.
You're so clever today, you better|be careful your foot doesn't fall off.
Does that happen|when you have lots of brilliant ideas?
My brother had this brilliant idea|of cutting his toenails with a scythe...
..and his foot fell off.
The person we're looking for is|an aggressive drunken lout...
..with intelligence of a four year old|and sexual sophistication of a donkey.
- Cardinal Wolsey...|- Baldrick!
- Why?|- I got fed up with the all-mouse diet.
Thought I'd try cat for variety.
Good, well done. Returning to the real world:
..do you have a knife?
Good. I wish to quickly|send off some party invitations.
I wish to write them in blood.|Your blood, to be precise.
How much blood will you be requiring?
Oh, nothing much. Just a small puddle.
Will you want me to cut anything off?|An arm or a leg?
Good lord, no. A little prick should do.
Very well, my lord.|I am your bondsman and must obey.
For God's sake! A little prick on your finger.
- I haven't got one there!|- Forget it.
Thank you, my lord.
Perce, how's this list going?
I thought we could invite|my girlfriend, Gwendoline...
- No chicks. Who else?|- That's as far as I'd got, actually.
I'll dictate. First: Simon Partridge.
Oh, not Farter's Parters,|also known as Mr Ostrich.
- Even he...|- But he's a fearful oik!
Takes one to know one, Perce.|Secondly: Sir Geoffrey Piddle.
Thirdly: Freddie Frobisher,|the Flatulent Hermit of Lindisfarne.
Oh, paugh paugh!
- That should do the trick.|- And Lord and Lady Whiteadder.
It does look a teeny bit|like trying to get out of it.
No, Ma'am.|I just want to make it another night.
- Certainly not!|- I beg your pardon?
It's just one excuse after another.
Next thing, he'll be trying|to get out of having his bath.
- He isn't talking about baths, Nursie.|- Well, he should be.
Soon he'll be saying|he doesn't want his nappy changed!
Lord Blackadder doesn't wear a nappy.
In that case, it's even more|important that he has a bath!
I know why you want to get out of it.|I remember the last party.
I found you face-down in a puddle,|wearing a pointy hat and singing.
Yes, all right! Tonight it is.
Oh, Edmund. I do love it when you get cross.
Sometimes I think of executing you|to see the expression on your face.
Let's make sure you've got this.|We're having two parties here tonight.
And they must be kept completely separate.
Firstly, a total piss-up involving beer|throwing and wall-to-wall vomiting.
To be held here in Baldrick's bedroom.
Secondly, Percy will join me in here|for the gourmet turnip eating.
- Is the Turnip Surprise ready?|- Yes, it is my lord.
- Then what is so funny?|- Well, my lord,
..while Baldrick and I|were preparing the Turnip Surprise...
We had a surprise!
We came across a turnip|that was exactly the same shape...
As a thingy!
A great big thingy! It was terrific.
Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick.
Horses are well endowed, but|it doesn't make them sensitive lovers.
I trust you have removed this hilarious item?
Nothing stops an inheritance|like a thingy-shaped turnip.
Absolutely, Edmund. But it was jolly funny!
I found it particulary ironic, 'cause|I've got a thingy shaped like a turnip.
I'm quite fun at parties! I hide in the|vegetable rack and scare children.
Perhaps you've forgotten I'm having|a drinking competition tonight...
..with Lord Melchett,|and ten thousand florins are at stake!
- Oh dear!|- What do you mean?
Firstly: you haven't got ten thousand florins.
And thirdly: one drop of the ale|and you fall flat on your face.
That's nonsense. But just in case it's true...
- It is true.|- Yes, all right!
The plan is: when I call for my|Incredibly Strong Ale...
..you must pass me water|in an ale bottle. Got that?
When you call for ale, I pass water.
Percy, your job is to stay here|and suck up to my aunt.
I think you can trust me|to know how to handle a woman.
Right, here goes.
Uncle! Aunt! Greetings!|How nice it is to see you.
Wicked child! Don't lie.|Everyone hates us, and you know it.
May I introduce my friend Lord Percy.
Well, well, well, Eddy!
You didn't tell me you had|such a good-looking aunt!
Good morrow to thee, gorgeousness!
I know what I like, and I like what I see.
Be gone, Satan!
I hope you had a pleasant inheritance...
Did I say 'inheritance'? I meant journey.
If you'd just like to|help yourself to a legacy...a chair.
Chair? You have chairs in your house?
Wicked child! Chairs are an invention of Satan!
In our home, Nathaniel sits on a spike.
- And yourself?|- I sit on Nathaniel.
Two spikes would be an extravagance.
I will suffer comfort this once.
We shall just have to stick forks|in our legs between courses.
I trust you remember we eat no meat?
Here we feast only|on God's lovely turnip, mashed.
Wicked child! Mashing is|also the work of Beelzebub.
For Satan saw God's blessed turnip,|and he envied it...
..and mashed it to spoil its sacred shape.
I shall have my turnip as God intended.
- Baldrick!|- My lord?
Would you fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip?
- We've only got the one that...|- Just do it. Thank you.
Uncle, will you have your turnip|mashed, or as God intended?
He will not answer you,|he has taken a vow of silence.
I believe that silence is golden.
Edmund! I trust|you have invited no other guests?
Where there are other guests|there are people to fornicate with!
I'll just go and tell them to fornicate off.|Lord Percy.
Well, Lord Whiteadder, a vow of silence...
That's quite an interesting thing.|Tell me about it.
Happy Birthday to you!|Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday, Eddy-Baby.|Happy Birthday to you!
It's not my birthday, Archdeacon!
Well, get stuck in, boys.
Stuck in! Way-hey! Get it?
Well, it sounds a bit rude, doesn't it?|Stuck in!
Sorry, back in a tick.
A tick! Now that|sounds a bit rude, doesn't it?
Sounds a bit like bum!
Melchett!|Late I see, to avoid the early drinking.
You really are a beginner.|You forgot your comedy breasts!
Au contraire, Blackadder.
Let's wait until|we get down to the serious drinking.
No, it's this way. Here we are.
- Good evening.|- Lads, this is Lord Melchett.
- Give him a large one, will you?|- Large one! Way-hey! Get it?
Yes, you do! Large one! Sounds a bit rude.
You may find the conversation|a bit above your head at first.
Well, down the hatch!
- I heard there was a party on.|- No, there are two.
- But I'm a friend of Lord Percy.|- You must be Gwendoline! Come in.
- Thank you very much.|- It's in here.
I'm sorry about that.
Sorry, he's sick.
Leprosy of the brain.
Or he is trying to tell you|you're wearing a pair of Devil's dumplings.
Oh my God. My earmuffs have fallen down!
It's getting... Would you like a pair?
Cold is God's way of telling us|to burn more catholics!
- Which reminds me, Aunty...|- Don't call me "Aunty"!
Aunt is a relative,|and relatives are evidence of sex...
..and sex is hardly a fitting subject|for the dinner table.
- Or, indeed, any table.|- Except a table in a brothel.
Oh dear.|It seems you have fallen off your chair.
Oh my God!
Your turnip, my Lady.
Very good! Very good!
It takes me right back to our wedding night.
We had raw turnips that night.
- What was that?|- What was what?
- That noise!|- Noise?
- Did you hear a noise, Percy?|- No.
Apart from that colossal drunken roar.
Oh, that noise!|It's the catholics next door, I'm afraid.
I'll just go and burn them. Back in a minute.
- Yes?|- I'm suffocating!
Now take a deep breath.|And another. Better?
- Yes.|- Good.
Mind you, I'll say one thing for catholics.
They do have natural rhythm!
- I notice you're not drinking.|- I'm holding my own here.
Way-hey! Holding my own!|Now that sounds incredibly rude.
Yes, well.|I never went to university, of course.
It doesn't explain|why you're not drinking with us.
That's what I wanted to talk about.
What do you say to the idea|of ten minutes silence...
..to get some really serious drinking in?
Yes, I said: "Please give me silence".|Not: "Drench me with dribble".
- Here's a nice glass of cider.|- Only cider?
I'm going to go and put some brandy in it!
- How are we all going, then?|- Not well!
Let us discuss your inheritance.
- A little drink first?|- Wicked child!
Drink is urine for the last leper in Hell!
No, this is only water.|This is a house of simple purity.
Great booze-up, Edmund!
Do you know that man?
- He called you Edmund?|- Oh, know him. Yes, I do.
Then can you explain|what he meant by great booze-up?
Yes, I can.
My friend is a missionary...
..and on his last visit abroad...
..brought back with him|the chief of a famous tribe.
His name is Great Bu.
He's been suffering from sleeping sickness.
And he has obviously just woken...
..because you heard: "Great Bu's up".|- Well done, Edmund.
I think I'd better go and visit him.|Perce, over to you.
Yes. How about some sort of game?
How about a couple of frames|of Shove-Piggy-Shove?
You challenged me to a drinking competition...
..and I haven't seen you touch a drop!
You twist and turn like a... twisty-turny thing.
I say you're a weedy pigeon,|and you can call me Susan if it isn't so.
All right! Baldrick, fetch my|Incredibly Strong Ale!
Good God! Not Dr McGloo's Amber Enema?
- A drink for schoolgirls.|- Not Strollop's Lobster Scrumpy?
No! It is Blackadder's Bowel Basher.
A brew guaranteed to knock|the backsides off a concrete elephant!
- Naw! It is water.|- What!
No, but seriously, Baldrick.
You did call for|your Incredibly Strong Ale, my lord?
That's a relief. I thought I'd made a mistake.
My God, he is right. It is water!
Come on, lads. Let's give him a real drink.
- Well, fine.|- Bums up!
Way-hey! Bums!|Sounds a bit like bums, doesn't it?
Drink, Blackadder. Drink!
42 seconds later
Percy, I've lost the bet.
Edmund! Explain yourself.
I can't. Not just like that.
I'm a complicated person, you see.
Sometimes I'm nice|and sometimes I'm nasty.
And sometimes|I just like to sing little songs like:
"See the little goblin..."
I mean, explain why|you are wearing a cardinal's hat,
..why you are grinning inanely...
..and why you have a feather|sticking out of your britches.
I'm wearing a cardinal's hat|because I'm Cardinal Chunder.
I have an ostrich feather up my bottom...
..because Mr Ostrich put it there|to keep in the little pixies.
And I'm grinning inanely...
..because I think I've succeeded|in conning you and your husband...
..out of a whopping great inheritance!
Is that right?|May I remind you, cursed creature...
..that your inheritance depends|upon your not drinking or gambling.
Damn! Percy, the Devil|farts in my face once more.
Not mentioning farts was also a condition.
Shove off, you old trout!
How dare you speak to my husband like that!
Nathaniel, we're leaving!
- And you...|- Yes?
Has anyone told you you're a giggling imbecile?
- Oh, yes.|- Good!
Good riddance, you old witch!
She's forgotten her broomstick!
Look... I just wanted to say thanks|for a splendid evening.
Yes, first rate, all round. Particularly your jester.
By the way, I loved the turnip.
Exactly the same shape as a thingy!
- Look who it is!|- Who is it?
Well, it's a boys' party. She's a girl,|so she must be the stripper.
Oh, no. Don't get too depressed, Edmund.
I mean, money isn't everything.
Think of clouds and daisies...
..and the lovely smiles on little babies' faces.
Be quiet, Percy.
Whoa! Another stripper!
And a male stripper!
Oh, yes. This is much more like it!
And she's come dressed as the Queen!
Do you know who I am?
Yes. I know who you are.
- Who?|- You're Merlin the Happy Pig!
Wrong, I'm afraid. I am the Queen of England!
I may have the body|of a weak and feeble woman...
..but I have the heart and stomach|of a concrete elephant.
- Prove it!|- I certainly will.
First I'm going to have a little drinky...
..and then I'm going to execute|the whole bally lot of you.
Dawn the next day
See the little goblin|See his little feet
And his little nosy-wose|Isn't the goblin sweet?
- YES!|- Wait a minute!
I'm sure there was something|important I had to do this morning.
I remember something about|ten thousand florins.
I think it was something about an inheritance.
Do you lot want to hear about the goblin or not?
Perhaps I might be allowed to continue|and perhaps finish, with any luck.
- Get it?|- NO!
Oh, come on! Luck.|Sounds almost exactly like...
# Blackadder, couldn't hold his beer|The art of boozing he's not master
# And I, your merry balladeer|Am also well and truly plastered
# Blackadder! Blackadder!|A bit like Robin Hood
# Blackadder! Blackadder!|But nothing like as good
# Blackadder! Blackadder!|I thought that he had died
# Blackadder! Blackadder!|Our writers must have lied.
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Big clock The 1948
Big girls dont cry
Billy Madison 1995
Bingwoo 2004 CD1
Bingwoo 2004 CD2
Bionicle 2 A Legends of Metru-Nui
Bionicle Mask Of Light 2003
Birch Tree Meadow The
Bird People in China The 1998 CD1
Bird People in China The 1998 CD2
Bird on a wire
Bishops Wife The 1947 CD1
Bishops Wife The 1947 CD2
Bite the bullet
Bitter Sugar (Azucar amarga)
BlackAdder 1x1 - The Foretelling
BlackAdder 1x2 - Born to be King
BlackAdder 1x3 - The Archbishop
BlackAdder 1x4 - The Queen of Spains Beard
BlackAdder 1x5 - Witchsmeller Pursuivant
BlackAdder 1x6 - The Black Seal
BlackAdder 2x1 - Bells
BlackAdder 2x2 - Head
BlackAdder 2x3 - Potato
BlackAdder 2x4 - Money
BlackAdder 2x5 - Beer
BlackAdder 2x6 - Chains
BlackAdder 4x1 - Captain Cook
BlackAdder 4x2 - Corporal Punishment
BlackAdder 4x3 - Major Star
BlackAdder 4x4 - Private Plane
BlackAdder 4x5 - General Hospital
BlackAdder 4x6 - Goodbyeee
BlackAdder Christmas Carol 1988
BlackAdder The Cavalier Years
BlackAdder the Third 3x1
BlackAdder the Third 3x2
BlackAdder the Third 3x3
BlackAdder the Third 3x4
BlackAdder the Third 3x5
BlackAdder the Third 3x6
Black Adder V - Back and Forth
Black Hawk Down
Black Mask 2
Black Rain CD1
Black Rain CD2
Black Widow 1987
Black and White (1998)
Blackout The 1997 CD1
Blackout The 1997 CD2
Blade 3 - Trinity
Blade Of Fury
Blade Runner (1982 Original Cut) CD1
Blade Runner (1982 Original Cut) CD2
Blade Runner Directors Cut
Blair Witch Project The
Blame It On Rio
Blast From The Past 1999
Blast from the Past
Blazing Sun (1960) CD1
Blazing Sun (1960) CD2
Bless The Child
Blind Chance (1987) CD1
Blind Chance (1987) CD2
Blind Spot Hitlers Secretary (2002)
Blob The 1988
Blood Wedding (1981)
Blood and Black Lace
Blow 2001 CD1
Blow 2001 CD2
Blow Dry 2001
Blown Away 1994 CD1
Blown Away 1994 CD2
Blue (Derek Jarman)
Blue Collar Comedy Tour The Movie
Blue Max The CD1
Blue Max The CD2
Blue Planet The 1
Blue Planet The 2 - The Deep
Blue Planet The 3 - Open Ocean
Blue Planet The 4 - Frozen Seas
Blue Spring 2001
Blue juice 1995
Blues Brothers The (1980) CD1
Blues Brothers The (1980) CD2
Boat Trip - Feedback Overflow
Bob Le Flambeur 1955
Bob Marley Story - Rebel Music
Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice
Bone Collector The
Bonnie and Clyde
Book of Fate The
Book of Pooh The
Boondock Saints The
Boot Das 1981 CD1
Boot Das 1981 CD2
Bourne supremacy The-1CD
Boy Who Saw The Wind The
Boys and Girls
Boyz N the Hood
Branca de Neve
Bread and Roses
Breakfast Club The
Breakfast at Tiffanys
Breakin all the rules
Bride with White Hair The
Bridge Man The CD1
Bridge Man The CD2
Broadway Danny Rose
Brother (Takeshi Kitano)
Brother Sun Sister Moon 1972
Brother from Another Planet The 1984
Brotherhood Of The Wolf
Buena Estrella La (Lucky Star)
Bugs Bunny - Baseball Bugs (1946)
Bugs Bunny - Big Top Bunny (1951)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs Bunny Gets the Boid (1942)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs Bunny and the Three Bears (1944)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs and Thugs (1954)
Bugs Bunny - Bully for Bugs (1953)
Bugs Bunny - Frigid Hare (1949)
Bugs Bunny - Hair-Raising Hare (1946)
Bugs Bunny - Haredevil Hare (1948)
Bugs Bunny - Long Haired Hare (1949)
Bugs Bunny - My Bunny Lies Over the Sea (1948)
Bugs Bunny - Rabbits Kin (1952)
Bugs Bunny - Tortoise Wins by a Hare (1943)
Bugs Bunny - Wabbit Twouble (1941)
Bugs Bunny - Water Water Every Hare (1952)
Bugs Bunny - Whats Up Doc (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck - Rabbit Fire (1951)
Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck - Rabbit Seasoning (1952)
Bugs Bunny and Elmer - Rabbit of Seville (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Taz - Devil May Hare (1954)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Ballot Box Bunny (1951)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Big House Bunny (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Bunker Hill Bunny (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - High Diving Hare (1949)
Bugs Life A
Bullet in the Head
Bulletproof Monk 2003
Bullets Over Broadway
Bully (Unrated Theatrical Edition)
Burning Paradise (Ringo Lam 1994)
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid A Special Edition
Butchers Wife The