BlackAdder 2x6 - Chains
Get out, libidinous swine!
And take that whore slut|painted strumpet with you!
May you both rot|in the filth of your own fornication!
- And what did you say to him?|- Say, Madam? I said nothing.
I pulled up my tights|and jumped out of the privy window.
Edmund, you are so naughty!
Well, I try, Madam.
And then ten minutes later when|I've got my breath back, I try again.
Perhaps we can move on|to more important matters.
- Must we?|- I fear so.
Lord Forest's son has been kidnapped...
.. and begs you to pay the ransom.|- Edmund, what would you say?
I have had experience of this dreadful situation.
Last year my aunt asked for my help|in the ransom of my Uncle Osric.
Then you know something|of the dreadful pain involved.
And can suggest no better answer|than the one I gave to her.
- Which was?|- "Get stuffed."
You would jest over a young man's life?
For young man read young idiot.
Anyone stupid enough|to let some mustachioed dago say:
"Excuse me, Meester"|and hit them over the head...
..deserves everything they get.
- You're in good fooling this morning.|- Thank you, Baldrick.
I heard quite an amusing story|myself the other day.
- Excuse me, Meister.|- Yes, what is it?
I said: "What is it?",|not hit me on the head with...
I've changed my mind about that Forest bloke.
He is obviously very stupid,|but we can't punish people for that.
If we did, Nursie would|have been in prison all her life.
A very piquant observation, Majesty.
So I will sign this ransom,|but it must be the last.
Absolutely the last! Final. Full stop.
Never again. Cross my heart and hope to die.
- Surely not 'hope to die', Majesty?|- All right. I'll cross that out.
Here you are. Sorry about the smudge.
- Excuse me, Meister.|- Yes?
Oh, God! What on earth|was I drinking last night?
My head feels like|there's a Frenchman living in it.
Where am I?
- Who's that?|- It is I, Melchett.
You really ought to get your house cleaned up.
This is no time for jokes, Blackadder.|We've been kidnapped!
How incredibly embarrassing!
As private parts to the gods are we!|They play with us for their sport.
Oh, God. Who's that?
If anyone is going to be spoken to,|it is going to be me.
- Tell him, Melchy.|- Certainly.
Now, what's he saying?
He would like a word with you.
- Anything else?|- He would like to torture you as well.
Am I addressing a senior dignitary|of the Spanish Inquisition?
Good. Because if I am,
I am prepared to tell you absolutely anything.
No speako dago.
I demand to see the British ambassador.
For God's sake! How can you question me...
..when you don't speak English?
All right, let's start with the basics.
English is a non-inflected|Indo-European language...
..derived from dialects of...
Percy! Who's Queen?
- So I win again.|- Yes. Well done, Majesty.
There's definitely been no sign of Edmund?
- I fear not, Ma'am.|- Why, then he has vanished.
Like an old oak table.
Vanished, Lord Percy. Not varnished.
Forgive me, my Lady,|but my uncle's old oak table vanished.
'Twas on the night of the great Stepney fire.
And on that same terrible night...
..his house and all his other things|completely vanished too.
So did he, in fact.|It was a most perplexing mystery.
Lord Percy? It's up to you.
Either you can shut up,|or you can have your head cut off.
I'll shut up.
- Bastardo.|- Embarrassing.
You're embarrassing. I'm embarrassing.
Sounds like... Bastard.
Big bastard. Little bastard.
Boy, man, father. I'm a bastard's son.
Thirsty. Thirsty bastard.
Thirsty barking bastard.
Oh, dog! Right, dog.
Woman, dog. Bitch! I'm a bastard son of a bitch!
In that case, you're a fornicating baboon.
- Que?|- Oh dear!
- You...|- Tu?
Fornicating.. Yes. I can't really do it in this box.
- Tus testiculos.|- My... Yes, those...
- Sobre un fuego grande.|- Over a large...
Fire! I got it. So, let's recap.
If I admit that I'm in love...
Sorry! Head-over-heels in love|with Satan and all his little wizards,
..you will remove my testicles|with a blunt instrument...
..resembling some kind of gardening tool,
..and roast them over a large fire.
If I don't admit that I'm in love|with Satan and his little wizard...
..you will hold me upside down|in a vat of warm marmelade.
And remove my testicles with a blunt...
Oh, I see! Well, in that case, I love Satan.
Oh, it's a scythe.
I don't know. I've looked everywhere.
They're not hiding at all!
Perhaps they've been kidnapped!
Edmund said: "Only real idiots get kidnapped".
Forgive me, Herr Blackadder.
I have been neglecting my duties as a host.
Please accept my appoloaggies.
I accept nothing from a man who|imprisons his guests in a commode.
I hope this scum has not incoweenienced you.
It takes more than a maniac|trying to cut off my goolies.
If he had inconweenienced you,|I was going to offer you his tongue.
Believe me, sir. If he had inconweenienced me,
..you would not have a tongue|to make such an offer.
Let me assure you, Blackadder,|if I no longer had a tongue...
..you wouldn't have a tongue to tell me|that if I had inconweenienced you,
I would no longer have a tongue|with which to offer you his tongue.
Yes, well. Enough of this banter.
Who the hell are you, sausage breath?
- You do not remember me?|- I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
On the contrary. We have met many times.
You knew me by another name.
Do you recall a mysterious black|marketeer and smuggler called Otto...
..with whom you used to|dine and plot and play...
..at the Old Pizzle in Dover? - My God!
I was the waitress!
I don't believe it! You? Big Sally?
"Will you have another piece of pie, my lord?"
But I went to bed with you, didn't I?
For my country,|I am willing to make any sacrifice.
Yes, but I'm not! I must have been paralytic!
Indeed you were, Mr Floppy!
- Now, would you mind?|- "Such a disappointment for a girl..."
"It really doesn't matter!|We'll try again in a few minutes."
We are proud of our comic|serving-wench voice, aren't we?
Just because we can say zur instead of sir.
The tedious little turd|who keeps putting on amusing voices.
- Be quiet!|- What else in your repertoire?
A brilliant drunk Glaswegian, no doubt.
An hilarious black man:|"Where am dat watty-melon..."
I can't wait for your side-splitting poof...
..and that funny croaky one|who isn't anyone in particular.
I like the one you do all the time.|The fat-headed German chamberpot.
You talk too much, Blackadder.
I think it's a case of werbal diarrhoea|that you are having.
I should, perhaps, tell you...
..I have given the Queen a week|to reply to my ransom demand.
Unless she pays up, you die. Howwibly.
She will pay up. And within a week,|you die. Howwibly, howwibly.
You find yourself amusing, Blackadder.
I try not to fly in the face of public opinion.
A week from now you'll be|less in the mood for being amusing.
Well, at least I can be amusing.
Choose your next witticism carefully,|it may be your last.
Guards! Fetch his friend.
Ein, zwei, ein, zwei...
Oh no, please!
- We meet again.|- Don't think we've had the pleasure.
- You do not recognise me, then?|- No...
Let me refresh your memory.|In Cornwall, at the monastery.
- The old shepherd.|- Good Lord! Dimkins?
Yes! I was one of his sheep.
- One of his sheep? Not Flossy?|- Yes!
- But didn't we?|- Yes, Lord Melchett.
- Baa!|- Oh, my God!
But enough of such pleasant reminiscence, eh?
The guard has found an interesting|document in your clothing.
The Queen will only pay one ransom.
Absolutely the last. Final. Full stop. Never again.
Cross my heart and hope to be|spanked until my bottom goes purple.
She has a difficult choice in front of her.
Not really. Bad luck, Melchers.|Life is overrated, I reckon.
Well, gentlemen, if you'll|excuse me, I have work to do.
Evil plots don't|just make themselves, you know.
I, evil Prince Ludvig the Indestructible,|have your two friends,
..and you must shoose between them.
The ransom is one million crona.
Many, many appoloaggies|for the inconweenience.
What a difficult choice!
It isn't the first difficult choice|you've ever made, little tadpole.
In the old days, it was all difficult choices.
Should you have Nursie Milk or Moo Cow Milk?
But then left breasty-dumpling|or right breasty-dumpling?
Of course, it was always|both breasty-dumplings.
Shut up, Nursie!
This is very confusing.
Lord Percy, play a while to calm my spirits.
Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker's man. You're it!
Ring-a-ring o'rosie, all fall down.
What say you, Blackadder,|I sing a song to keep our spirits up?
That depends on whether you want|the slop-bucket over your head.
Well, perhaps some pleasant word game.
All right. Make a sentence|out of the following words:
Face, sodding, your, shut.
We must do something to relieve|our minds of the fate that awaits us!
Awaits you, Melchy. Not me.|How's my beard looking?
Alas! Shall I never see England more?
Her rolling fields? Her swooping swallows...
And her playful sheep.
- About time.|- Gentlemen, the answer has arrived.
Well, thank God! I'm sick|of this place. It's like a prison in here.
I shall read it to you.
Typical master criminal.|Loves the sound of his own voice.
After careful deliberation|the Queen has decided...
..to extend the ransom money on...
..a big party.
Just impossible|to decide between my two faves.
I've decided to keep the cash,|have a whizzy-jolly time...
..and try to forget both of you.
Hope you're not too miffed. Byeee!
"Hope you're not too miffed. Byeee!"
As you can imagine,|this makes me very unhappy.
Oh, I am sorry!
But if you gentlemen were to tell me|a way to gain access to your Queen,
..I might just be able to commute|your death to a life sentence.
- Are you suggesting we betray her?|- Oh yes.
Blackadder! What are you saying?|What of loyalty? Honour?
- What of them?|- Nothing.
- So you will both play ball?|- Yep.
Oh, what joy!
See how you collapse before me,|great and incorruptible English nobs.
So proud of your great big stiff upper lips?
Gloating is a sign of insecurity.
Do you want to know how to get the Queen?
I thought some kind of disguise.|I do a good Mary Queen of Scots.
Hoots, mon. Whar's me heid?
- What sort of party should it be?|- A fancy dress. I love fancy dress.
- Nursie?|- I think it should be one of those...
..where everybody comes with nothing on at all.
Shut up, then!
I agree with you, Acting Lord Chamberlain.
If we're to forget our woes, then we|should have as much fun as possible.
What's more fun than people dressed|as frogs and rabbits and nuns?
- And bits of wood.|- You're not going as a bit of wood.
- Aren't I?|- No!
How about a pencil? Should I come as a pencil?
You always talk like this|and always end up as the same thing.
- Do I?|- Yes, you know you do.
Lassie, what does Nursie come|to fancy dress parties dressed as?
- I thought everybody knew.|- Everybody, except Nursie. Tell her.
She always comes as a cow.
Yes, that's right!|A lovely cow with great lovely udders.
I swiggle around going "moo".
"Come to Nursie Cow,|you lovely little heifers!" What fun!
- I want to be a cow again, please?|- Shut up!
- Isn't Nursie stupid?|- She certainly is, Ma'am.
You see? We're having a good time already!
We've completely forgotten|about those chaps in prison.
Ein, zwei, ein, zwei...
My friends, I come to bid you farewell.
The guards will die of old age, but|their sons will attend to your needs.
Thanks for your concern, we intend to escape.
With your information, I intend to|bring down your Queen and country.
The Master of Disguise will become|the Master of the World.
- One thing, Ludwig, before you go...|- What?
- Were you ever bullied at school?|- What do you mean?
This ranting and raving about power,|there must be some reason for it.
At my school having dirty hair|and spots was a sign of maturity!
I bet your mother made you|wear shorts right up to your final year.
When I am King of England, no-one|will call me Shorty-Greasy-Spot!
Touched a nerve there, I think.
What good is it going to do us|if we're doomed to die here?
Don't worry, I have a plan.
With Ludwig gone, we won't have|trouble overcoming the guards.
Germans are sticklers for efficiency,|I've been watching their routine.
I've selected the moment|when they're most vulnerable.
- That is when we will attack them.|- How?
That is the most cunning bit...
Ein, zwei, ein, zwei...
This is it. Don't forget,|when they're at their most vulnerable.
Halt! Jingle the keys!
Open the door!
Greeting to the prisoners!
Guten Abend, Englander-scum.|March to the table!
Ein, zwei, ein, zwei...
Halt! Food on the table: ein, zwei!
Spit on the food: ein, zwei!
Insulting further gestures|to the prisoners: ein, zwei!
Trust me to get the hard one!
Off with their heads!
Ma'am, it is brilliant! Your father is born again!
Bally well hope not,|or else I won't be Queen anymore!
Yours is pretty good, too. What is it?
It's nothing, Ma'am.|Just a mere trifle I threw together.
Doesn't look like a trifle.|Looks more like a fruit salad.
I see Nursie's really excelled herself.
Yes, she has. I'm not sure about this, though.
- What are you meant to be?|- A pencil case.
Oh, it's just like parties I had when I was tiny.
We had tea and cakes and venison.
Then a trip with a couple|of little friends to the executions.
If I wanted my little friends executed, that is.
How I do wish Edmund could be here.
He always loved parties,
..and always, always wore very, very tight tights.
- Oh, Edmund. But...|- Have I ever missed a party?
- But what about Lord Melchett?|- Yes, unfortunately, he made it too.
Joy beyond measure! Bliss|which cannot be counted on fingers.
- Sorry, Edmund?|- Nothing.
Yes, unfortunately, apart from|my nose getting a little prettier,
..nothing much has changed around here.
Your animal still isn't house-trained,|Percy's still unemployed,
..and Nursie's one stick short of a bundle.
- Moo!|- Thank you for reminding me.
Nursie! You've killed Nursie!
Guards! Take him away and execute him!
Can anyone help me with my udders?
- Nursie?|- Yes.
May I introduce you to our captor,|Prince Ludwig the Indestructible!
Queen Elizabeth, we meet again.
No, I don't think so, actually.
Remember when you were young...
..your father used to take you riding|on a magnificent grey pony...
..that you used to|kiss and fondle in the stable yard.
I was the tall and attractive|German stable-lad who held him.
- No!|- Yes!
You will regret the day|that you mocked my complexion!
I shall return and vreak my rewenghee!
No, you will die and be buried.
But how did you know it was him?
This was the information|with which we bought our lives.
We said: If the Queen's having a party,|Nursie always goes as a cow.
All we had to do was escape,|return and kill the cow.
How could you be sure it was not Nursie?
Because Ludwig was a master of disguise.
Nursie is a sad, insane old woman|with an udder fixation.
All we had to do was kill the one|that looked like the cow.
That was Ludwig's mistake.|His disguise was too good!
Gosh, Edmund! How brilliant! Welcome home.
- I must say it's good to be back.|- Welcome, Edmund.
- Did you miss me?|- I certainly did.
Many was the time I said to myself:|"I wish Percy was here..."
"..being tortured instead of me."
- We have missed your wit!|- Did you miss me, my lord?
Baldrick, is it?
No, not really.
And me. Did you miss me, Edmund?
Madam, life without you was like...
..a broken pencil.
- Explain?|- Pointless.
# Beware all ye who lust for fame|The path of life is most uncertain
# Prince Ludwig thought he'd won|But now the Kraut's gone for a burton
# Blackadder! Blackadder!|He beats the Hun by luck
# Blackadder! Blackadder!|He's smarter than a duck
# Lord Melchett! Lord Melchett!|Intelligent and deep
# Lord Melchett! Lord Melchett!|A shame about the sheep
Now this is a disguise I'm really going to enjoy!
If I can just get the voice right.
BBC - The Blue Planet (1 of 8) - Ocean World
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BlackAdder The Cavalier Years
BlackAdder the Third 3x1
BlackAdder the Third 3x2
BlackAdder the Third 3x3
BlackAdder the Third 3x4
BlackAdder the Third 3x5
BlackAdder the Third 3x6
Black Adder V - Back and Forth
Black Hawk Down
Black Mask 2
Black Rain CD1
Black Rain CD2
Black Widow 1987
Black and White (1998)
Blackout The 1997 CD1
Blackout The 1997 CD2
Blade 3 - Trinity
Blade Of Fury
Blade Runner (1982 Original Cut) CD1
Blade Runner (1982 Original Cut) CD2
Blade Runner Directors Cut
Blair Witch Project The
Blame It On Rio
Blast From The Past 1999
Blast from the Past
Blazing Sun (1960) CD1
Blazing Sun (1960) CD2
Bless The Child
Blind Chance (1987) CD1
Blind Chance (1987) CD2
Blind Spot Hitlers Secretary (2002)
Blob The 1988
Blood Wedding (1981)
Blood and Black Lace
Blow 2001 CD1
Blow 2001 CD2
Blow Dry 2001
Blown Away 1994 CD1
Blown Away 1994 CD2
Blue (Derek Jarman)
Blue Collar Comedy Tour The Movie
Blue Max The CD1
Blue Max The CD2
Blue Planet The 1
Blue Planet The 2 - The Deep
Blue Planet The 3 - Open Ocean
Blue Planet The 4 - Frozen Seas
Blue Spring 2001
Blue juice 1995
Blues Brothers The (1980) CD1
Blues Brothers The (1980) CD2
Boat Trip - Feedback Overflow
Bob Le Flambeur 1955
Bob Marley Story - Rebel Music
Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice
Bone Collector The
Bonnie and Clyde
Book of Fate The
Book of Pooh The
Boondock Saints The
Boot Das 1981 CD1
Boot Das 1981 CD2
Bourne supremacy The-1CD
Boy Who Saw The Wind The
Boys and Girls
Boyz N the Hood
Branca de Neve
Bread and Roses
Breakfast Club The
Breakfast at Tiffanys
Breakin all the rules
Bride with White Hair The
Bridge Man The CD1
Bridge Man The CD2
Broadway Danny Rose
Brother (Takeshi Kitano)
Brother Sun Sister Moon 1972
Brother from Another Planet The 1984
Brotherhood Of The Wolf
Buena Estrella La (Lucky Star)
Bugs Bunny - Baseball Bugs (1946)
Bugs Bunny - Big Top Bunny (1951)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs Bunny Gets the Boid (1942)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs Bunny and the Three Bears (1944)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs and Thugs (1954)
Bugs Bunny - Bully for Bugs (1953)
Bugs Bunny - Frigid Hare (1949)
Bugs Bunny - Hair-Raising Hare (1946)
Bugs Bunny - Haredevil Hare (1948)
Bugs Bunny - Long Haired Hare (1949)
Bugs Bunny - My Bunny Lies Over the Sea (1948)
Bugs Bunny - Rabbits Kin (1952)
Bugs Bunny - Tortoise Wins by a Hare (1943)
Bugs Bunny - Wabbit Twouble (1941)
Bugs Bunny - Water Water Every Hare (1952)
Bugs Bunny - Whats Up Doc (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck - Rabbit Fire (1951)
Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck - Rabbit Seasoning (1952)
Bugs Bunny and Elmer - Rabbit of Seville (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Taz - Devil May Hare (1954)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Ballot Box Bunny (1951)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Big House Bunny (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Bunker Hill Bunny (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - High Diving Hare (1949)
Bugs Life A
Bullet in the Head
Bulletproof Monk 2003
Bullets Over Broadway
Bully (Unrated Theatrical Edition)
Burning Paradise (Ringo Lam 1994)
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid A Special Edition
Butchers Wife The