Broadway Danny Rose
(man) Thank you, thank you. Oh, ifyou overate too much tonight,...
..l got a great song that the paisans would understand. lt's ''Agita''.
% Agita, my gumba, in the banzone
% When l eat, he gets a treat like a canzone
% he enjoys every meal, every bite that l steal
% Agita, my gumba, in the banzone
% Some people like their pizza, some people like suffrite
% And others like hot pepper on everything they eat
% You hunger with a vuole to taste that bacala
% Then all at once you think ''Will l answer to gumba?''
% My lovely, lovely woman, l hate to see her cry
% But when l start to mangia, l get the evil eye
% My vuole's gettin' stronger, ah, to hell with my gumba
% Then l get it from my woman, che de botts a na sciatta
% Agita, my gumba, in the banzone
% When l eat, he gets a treat like a canzone
% he enjoys every meal, every bite that l steal
% Agita, my gumba, in the banzone
We got to do miami jokes. If you're in FIorida, you do miami jokes.
morty, I tried miami jokes. I don't know what works any more.
- Why? What happened? - I got that big miami joke that I do.
About the hoteIs being expensive and how much it costs,...
..Iike $1 50 a day for a sIeeping room, and I said to the cIerk ''What's cheaper?''
He said ''I got a room for $10, but you make your own bed.''
So he gave me a hammer and some naiIs. That's the joke.
- It's a good joke. It works. - Been workin' for years. Last night it died.
That audience sat there Iike they were an oiI painting.
I don't know why. AIways works when I do it.
You do that joke? maybe that's where I got it from.
When I broke into this business in New York,...
..I couId pIay at Ieast 1 2û to 2û0 weeks a year without Ieaving the city.
- There was the Latin Quarter... - The China DoII.
- China DoII... - Queen's Terrace.
- PIayed the BouIevard... - What about Jersey? The Stagecoach...
- LampIighters. - Riviera, BiII miIIer's.
Look how far you have to go. You went to Washington. I went to BaItimore.
- You gotta have good tyres to work today. - Or a good car.
The first impression I did, I went to see The Seventh Veil.
I didn't want to become an impressionist. I was trying to deveIop an EngIish accent.
The idea of impersonating James mason was the furthest thing from my mind.
Out came this impression and I've been doing impressions ever since.
- But this thing is aII in the mask, right? - And then I did Picasso for a few weeks.
You know the first time I saw you do mason?
It was backstage at the SuIIivan show. You were briIIiant.
I was there with Danny Rose. Remember Danny Rose?
He was handIing an actor - the manager - and a one-Iegged tap-dancer.
It was his normaI handIing. Danny Rose. Yeah. Oh, he's the best.
may I say one word? might I just interject one concept at this juncture?
You're Iookin' for somebody for memoriaI Day weekend.
my bIind xyIophone pIayer, OK? The man wouId be perfect for your room.
- Ah, forget it. - PhiIIy, wiII you pIease hear me out?
The man is a beautifuI man. He's a fantastic individuaI.
my hoteI gets oId Jewish peopIe. They're bIind.
- They ain't gonna pay to see a bIind guy. - So forget that, then.
How about Herbie Jayson's birds? Herbie Jayson's birds.
They're IittIe birds. They peck tunes out on a piano. It's a beautifuI thing.
What about my one-Iegged tap-dancer? Take him for a weekend.
- AII right, my one-armed juggIer. - Not for my hoteI!
AII right, what about Lou Canova, my ItaIian singer? He'd be great.
Lou Canova's a dumb, fat, temperamentaI has-been with a drinking probIem.
Jesus! What about Eddie CIark's penguin? Eddie CIark and his penguin.
The penguin skates on the stage dressed as a rabbi. It's hiIarious. He's got a beard.
I'II teII you what, give me Sonny Chase. He's the best act you got.
- He's fast, he's funny. - I don't handIe Sonny any more.
It's a Iong story. I discovered the kid. He sIept on my sofa. I supported him.
I don't wanna bad-mouth the kid, but he's a horribIe, dishonest, immoraI Iouse.
- And I say that with aII due respect. - I know, Danny.
- They get a IittIe success and Ieave you. - That's my point! BeIieve me, PhiIIy,...
..if I had aII the acts in this business that I started that made it, I'd be a rich man.
I'd Iike to heIp, but Weinstein's majestic BungaIow CoIony is a cIassy pIace.
- I need a cIassy act. - I wanna show you this Iady.
She is the Jascha Heifetz of this instrument. She is something.
You gotta see this, PhiIIy. It's incredibIe.
Never took a Iesson. This is seIf-taught.
Next year, PhiIIy, my hand to God, she's gonna be at Carnegie HaII.
But you, I'II Iet you have her now at the oId price, OK?
Which is anything you wanna give me, anything at aII.
- I remember that woman. - You have never seen acts Iike this.
This guy wouId work his taiI off for these acts.
If he beIieved in an act, he wouId go aII out.
Danny, my partner wants me to open up with the dachshund,...
..but I think I shouId open up with the swan or the giraffe.
The swan is pretty and it fascinates the peopIe. Or... have an animaI of this type.
I think your partner's right. Open up with the dachshund and buiId to the giraffe.
CIose with the giraffe cos it's got more impact.
If you take my advice, you'II be one of the great baIIoon-foIding acts of aII time.
Cos I don't see you just foIding these baIIoons in joints.
You Iisten to me, you're gonna foId these baIIoons at universities.
You're gonna make your snaiI and your eIephant on Broadway.
But the thing to remember is before you go out on stage,...
..you gotta Iook in the mirror and you gotta say your three S's:
star, smiIe, strong.
Star, smiIe, strong.
- Danny used to be a performer. - He was a comic.
He worked the CatskiIIs. He did aII the oId jokes and stoIe from everybody.
He was the kind of comic you'd think he'd be.
God bIess you, darIing. Let me ask you a question, sweetheart. How oId are you?
- 81 . - 81 years oId. Isn't that fantastic?
No, reaIIy. She's 81 . It's fantastic. I mean that.
UnbeIievabIe. You don't Iook a day over 80. No, I mean it.
I'm just kiddin'. I Iove you. You're reaIIy beautifuI.
What sign are you, darIing?
- What? - She says ''What?'' She's great.
But I drove up here today. I Iove driving.
You run across so many interesting peopIe. I saw a terribIe accident.
Two taxi cabs coIIided. 30 Scotchmen were kiIIed.
He stopped doing his act because he was working the CatskiII mountains.
Nobody in the audience is under 80 years oId.
He's on stage, doing his act, two peopIe get heart attacks.
So naturaIIy he became a personaI manager.
You can't do a good act, you become a personaI manager.
But his acts were so devoted. They Ioved him.
Where you gonna find that kind of devotion today?
The funniest Danny Rose story is the time he's handIing a hypnotist. A hypnotist.
He's got the guy working the CatskiII mountains.
The hypnotist brings up this Jewish Iady and hypnotises her.
- The body is warm. It's a good sign. - Yes, that's a good sign.
I promise you, if your wife never wakes up again,...
..I wiII take you to any restaurant of your choice, OK?
Do you Iike Chinese food?
AII right, you finished? Excuse me. HoId it, hoId it. Are you finished?
Are you finished? Because I have the greatest Danny Rose story.
HoId it now. Are you finished?
I have the greatest Danny Rose story, aII right?
You wanna do anything? This is gonna take some time.
- Can I caII home? - Go ahead.
- Coffee. - Are you ready?
We're gonna be here a whiIe. This is the greatest Danny Rose story.
- This is the one with Lou Canova. - The taII guy, the singer? The ItaIian kid?
He was the kid that had those semi-hit records?
He had a record, I think, caIIed ''Agita''. It was on the charts for about 1 5 minutes.
This is not during those 1 5 minutes. This is 2û5 years Iater.
And Lou cannot get anybody to handIe him. The man's in troubIe.
And the onIy one who beIieves in him is Danny Rose.
And by now, you gotta remember, Lou is a has-been,...
..he's got a big ego, a temperament and a sIight drinking probIem,...
..and Danny has faith.
% I Iike the Iooks of you
% The Iure of you
% The sweet of you
% The pure of you
% The eyes
% The nose
% The mouth of you
% The east, west, north and the south of you
% I'd Iike to gain
% CompIete controI of you
% And handIe
% Even the heart and souI of you
% So Iove at Ieast a smaII percent of me, do
% I do, I do, I do, I do
% Cos I Iove aII of you
% I do, I do, I do, I do
% I do, yeah
A third show? I thought there was onIy two.
There's three on weekdays and there's four on weekends.
Four?! TeII 'em I'II waIk! Four shows!
What do you mean? You can't. Lou, we're not in a position yet to waIk.
- And I use the word ''yet''. - my hair's aII screwed up.
Your hair is fine. Did you do the three S's?
Yeah. Strong, smiIe, star. I know. Every time, you teII me every time.
You shouId do ''my Funny VaIentine''...
..after great crooners from the past who are deceased.
- Hi, Lou. I wanted to meet you. - But I'm discouraged. I'm down.
PIease. God bIess you, darIing.
Why are you discouraged? You're magnificent.
I can't pay my aIimony.
I'II waive my commissions tiII we get roIIing, that's aII.
- How you gonna Iive? You gotta eat. - Don't worry about me so much.
I got other acts. I think about you in the Iong run, that's what I'm saying.
You're the kinda guy that wiII aIways make a beautifuI doIIar in this business.
You're what I caII a perenniaI. You get better-Iooking as you get oIder.
That's true. When I'm singin', I can feeI the women mentaIIy undressing me.
OK, so Danny is everything to Lou. he picks his songs, his arrangements.
he picks his shirts, his clothes. he eats with him. They're inseparable.
Danny is his manager, his friend, his father-confessor.
(Lou) I wanna go across the street and get one white rose.
You wanna get a white rose? Why do you want a white rose?
- I met this chick. - Oh, Lou. Don't teII me about it...
..because you're gonna get caught in a hoteI room,...
..you're gonna wind up paying three aIimonies.
- No, no, no. This is a cIassy chick. - I can imagine.
- She's one of these decorators. - With aII due respect, you got a wife.
- This is different. I'm in Iove. - Oh, great.
The usuaI singIe white rose for Tina VitaIe.
And just the words ''I Iove you, my bambina.''
Come here a minute. Lou, come here. Just step into my office for a minute.
The usuaI singIe white rose? How Iong has this been going on?
- For a whiIe. I can keep a secret. - You're keeping a secret from me?
I knew you'd get miffed about it, you'd get bugged because of my wife.
But, Danny, Tina, she's beautifuI.
- She's Iike a madonna. - I beIieve you.
- She knows you're married? - I IeveIIed with her.
So what kinda woman is she?
I tried to introduce you to her for a Iong time, but I knew you wouIdn't have it.
I've aIways tried to teach you, Lou,...
..that sooner or Iater you're gonna have to square yourseIf with the big guy.
Is that true? You're gonna pay your dues someday.
You're a married man. Take my aunt Rose, not a beautifuI woman at aII.
She Iooked Iike something you buy in a Iive-bait store.
She had wisdom. She used to say ''You can't ride two horses with one behind.''
So you see what I'm sayin'? That's my point.
OK, now a little time passes.
Danny's still struggling with the various bird acts and the blindxylophone player.
Suddenly the nostalgia craze is starting to build.
And Danny finds he can book Lou a little easier.
% You may be king
% You may possess the worId
% And aII of its goId
% Oh, but goId won't bring you happiness
% When you're growing oId
% Oh, the worId, it's stiII the same...
he's working these nostalgia cruises and the audience is eating it up.
Suddenly an over-the-hill boy singer is starting to get some attention.
% They shine high above...
And l am very honoured to announce that one ofAmerica's great singing legends,...
..a cherished musical legend, is making part ofhis comeback...
..on the Joe Franklin TV Show.
l hope my enthusiasm is generating, cos l love this man.
l mean, ifyou can love a man, l love Lou Canova. Lou.
- Thank you, Joe. You're very kind. - l mean that. Are you sort of...
l've been on the show three, four times and itjust helps.
l mean, it helps everybody. You're New York. What can l tell ya?
l always had the feeling that you were never obsessed to be a superstar.
You were never driven to be a superstar.
Youjust let it drift and take its own course.
When l had a record out in the '50s, it made some noise and everything,...
..and you start to get to feel as though maybe you wanna be a bigger star.
lt didn't really bother me. But now l'm doin' cruise ships, l'm doin' bigger shows.
l feel great. lt's a good time in life to do it.
OK. Now, two days later, Danny runs into Milton Berle on Broadway.
Milton is doing an NBC special, a nostalgia show.
plus he needs a singing act to open for him at Caesar's palace.
Danny convinces him to come and see Lou on a club date at the Waldorf.
And ifMilton likes Lou, he gets the TV shot and Caesar's.
I mean, I Iove miIton. He's a beautifuI man.
- This is two years out of our guts. - Don't be so nervous, Lou.
You gotta take him out Sunday and Iet him reIax. He's gonna be aII wound up.
I'II open with ''VoIare'' or ''You make me FeeI So Young''.
- How are you, darIing? - Good.
- How oId are you? - 1 2û.
- Are you married? - No.
Do ''my Funny VaIentine'' with the speciaI Iyrics about the moon Ianding.
maybe we oughta put on a press agent for that week.
I've been gettin' your name in the coIumns pretty good.
It's not Iike havin' a steady press agent. You know, steady.
Take him to a movie or he's gonna be a wreck by showtime.
Great idea for a TV show. mr TeIevision Iooks at the stars of the '50s.
That week Danny devotes to Lou exclusively.
They go over the running order ofhis act 15 times,...
..what colour shirts to wear, his weight - he wants Lou to lose some pounds.
l don't know who's more nervous, Lou or Danny.
Meanwhile, his other clients are starting to complain about their own problems.
I couIdn't get your service. I had a crisis. A cat ate one of my birds.
I canceIIed the show and RaIph doesn't wanna pay.
What do you mean, you don't wanna pay?
A cat ate his bird. That comes under the act-of-God cIause.
- He gets paid if he does his show onIy. - It was a Iead bird.
Remember Pee Wee, used to peck ''September Song''?
Pee Wee's gone? Pee... RaIph, what are you doin'?
Pee Wee has now been eaten by a feIine. Pee Wee gave us many a Iaugh and tear.
Danny, I don't pay no birds that don't work.
- Where were you when I needed you? - Yeah, where were you?
I admit, it's my fauIt. I've been remiss IateIy.
I've been very busy with another cIient. After Sunday night you'II have me.
I'II be yours excIusiveIy. I know how you feeI.
Pee Wee was the son he never had, so it's, you know...
I promise, after Sunday night, reaIIy, I'm with you.
(Lou) One, two.
I want you to open with ''You're Nobody TiII Somebody Loves You''.
And then go into ''my Bambina''...
..and after that do great crooners from the past who are now deceased.
- And then ''Agita'' if you want. - WouId you do me a favour tomorrow?
- You name it, you got it. - I want you to bring Tina.
- Who's Tina? - I toId you about Tina.
- I'm reaIIy crazy about her. - I thought I taIked you outta that.
It's no use. I'm Iike a IittIe kid. I'm stiII sendin' her a white rose every day.
Don't we have enough on our mind?
She's been Iucky for me from the first day I met her. Good things started happenin'.
Yeah, but Teresa's gonna be there. You're gonna get in a Iot of troubIe.
That's why you gotta bring her. You be the beard.
What? I don't wanna be a beard.
Come on. I'm teIIin' ya, I'II do a great job if she's there.
- Without her I'm gonna be Iost. - Since when? This is business.
Why are you makin' such a big deaI?
Terry goes home, then I'II take her off your hands.
When there's peopIe around, she's with you.
No, it's not nice. You're gonna wind up in aIimony jaiI.
- I can't function without her. I'm Iost. - Since when?
Why does she have such a hoId on you?
I don't know what it is about this woman. I Iove her.
- maybe it's a whoIe mother thing. - Your mother's aIive. Let me take her.
She gives me confidence. I Iove her. What do you want me to say?
I'm scared enough as it is.
Jesus, Lou, is this more serious than I thought?
I haven't had a night's sIeep trying to figure out what to do with my Iife, OK?
So aII of a sudden I gotta be the beard?
I want her there. I gotta know she's there and I gotta know she Ioves me.
I can onIy say, as your friend and your manager, you're a sick individuaI,...
..but if that's what you want, aII right, we'II do it.
Tina? Danny Rose. Had no troubIe getting here at aII. None at aII.
Are you ready? Cos I'm doubIe-parked.
Lou, you can drop dead! That's what you been sayin' for months!
Yeah, weII, I don't buy it and I'm damn sick and tired of aII your stories!
Don't teII me that, Lou. Bein' married's one thing, but two-timing's somethin' eIse!
WeII, that's just a bunch of garbage. I don't buy it and you better watch yourseIf!
I don't care how important it is! It's too damn bad if you're upset.
The way you treat me, you're Iucky I don't stick an ice pick in your goddamn chest!
Like heII I'II be there! You know what you can do!
(slams phone down) Goddamn phoney.
- Lou teIIs me you're an interior decorator. - I don't wanna hear Lou's name.
I don't want a run-around. I don't want any crap, goddamnit!
DarIing, sweetheart, darIing,...
..might I interject one notion at this juncture? How oId are you?
- None of your goddamn business! - I'm serious, darIing. You're upset.
- What sign are you? Gemini? - Shut up! WiII you just shut up?
- may I make one statement? - (phone rings)
my father - may he rest in peace - wouId say maturity, toIerance,...
..a wiIIingness to give, that's aII.
Look, it's a big night for Lou. Don't ruin it for him.
- I don't wanna taIk to that creep. - What happened?
- Go to heII! - may I make one statement?
- I don't mean to be didactic. - What are you taIkin' about?
The man's crazy about you. He's nuts for you.
I got friends who toId me he was out Iast night with a cheap bIonde.
A cheap bIonde? Lou? A cheap bIonde? WouId he faII for a cheap bIonde?
- I... You know, the man has cIass. - Yeah, I thought so too.
Yes, of course. Sweetheart, I promise you, he's cheating with you.
He's got integrity. He cheats with one person at a time onIy. That's his styIe.
my friends toId me he was at the track Iast night with his arm around a cheap bIonde.
Because they bother him cos he's cute. They try and grab, he pushes them away.
When he pushes them away, his arm goes around.
- Knock it off. You think I buy that? - (phone rings)
His wife is a bIonde. She's not cheap. A IoveIy woman. Educated.
She's a cocktaiI waitress. And they don't aII hustIe, no matter what you say.
- What the heII do you want? - Don't upset him.
- I'm not coming. You got that? Drop dead! - I wanna speak to him.
HeIIo? Lou? Lou, yes. Lou, it's me.
I got here OK, Lou. The directions were good. It was a GuIf station.
- (smashing) - Lou, she seems to be a IittIe upset.
Tina! Tina! Hey, Tina!
- WiII you get Iost? - Where you going?
I got other things on my mind besides two-timers.
No, the man adores you. The man is crazy about you.
- He wants you ringside. - What the heII did you come so earIy for?
I come every pIace earIy.
- You're hours earIy. - I know, cos tonight's a big night.
miIton is coming tonight. Remember miIton, Tuesday nights?
He'd come out in a woman's dress. Remember?
If I'm so important to him, why does he two-time me?
You got it wrong. You got it wrong, sweetheart. Women annoy him.
He sings and they mentaIIy undress him.
I see an adventure.
Yes, a trip.
A man in a grey suit, who owns a dog, wiII come to see you.
- That's Tommy. - Tommy?
- When is he coming? - Very soon. When you Ieast expect it.
- (Danny) What are you doing here? - Shh!
- At Ieast caII Lou. CaII Lou. - No. WiII you just get outta here?
The man is nervous. I know he doesn't seem so, but...
- She wants to get ahead. - WeII, you know, I've been waiting.
- my nephew's iII. - He's iII?
- Yeah, and he has a Iump on his neck. - A Iump on his neck? That's terribIe.
God bIess you, sweetheart. How oId are you?
- 78. - You're 78 years oId? That's wonderfuI.
- What are your hobbies? - Fish.
- TropicaI fish? - TropicaI fish.
my uncIe menachem, may he rest in peace, a wonderfuI man, raised hamsters.
I personaIIy found 'em disgusting, but the man adored them.
Like you probabIy feeI about your whatever, your guppies.
These are wonderfuI peopIe, of your persuasion. Lou is of your persuasion.
- Lou's a Iiar. - He Ioves you Iike a mother.
- Excuse me. Come on in. - That crap about his bad marriage.
The man Ioves her Iike a mother. He adores her.
- I have a Iover who I think is unfaithfuI. - AngeIina, might I interject one concept?
He is unfaithfuI. And yet he cares for you.
See? He cares for you. God bIess you, God bIess you.
- Don't go to him. - I won't.
- Time out. - See friends.
ResoIve aII situations, even if it means traveIIing Iong distances.
- But be carefuI. - Where you going? Tina!
Lou, we're into a definite type of situation here.
No. DefiniteIy, Lou. Lou, definiteIy.
We're... Lou, we're into a compIete type of situation.
This is a compIete definite type of situation.
Why's she so mad at me? What did I do?
Won't she even speak to me?
- I need a drink. - Lou, Lou, don't get the jitters.
You get nervous, your performance goes right into the toiIet.
You start drinking... Lou, I'II get her there, I promise.
- Just Iet me work out the Iogistics. - (tyres screech)
And now it's the big day and things are starting to go wrong.
- Lou is boozing a bit. - I remember him with the Cutty Sark.
- Now, she spIits. She spIits. - The girIfriend?
And Danny follows.
She drives and she drives way the hell out somewhere.
Danny's right on her heels, but you know how Danny drives.
She winds up an hour later God knows where.
She's taking Angelina the fortune-teller's advice.
She's winding up some business with old friends.
- Tina, we didn't think you were coming. - Hi, guys. You Iook handsome!
Yeah, weII, I had a change in pIans.
Great. OK, the party can begin.
- Can we heIp you, sir? - I'm with Tina. I'm a friend of Tina's.
God bIess you. Stay where you are. You're doing an aces job.
I'II check back with you on my way out.
- I'II Ieave something nice for you. - AII right.
- Who are you? - I'm here with Tina.
- I'm her uncIe. Rocco. - Danny Rose.
- What do you do? - TheatricaI management.
- What are you Iookin' for? - Tina.
ReIax. You gotta be around her every second?
- What do you do, Rocco? - Cement.
- Cement? - I own a fIeet of cement mixers.
No kidding? Isn't that a very big organised cr...? Cement.
That's fantastic. You aIways need cement. That's what's great about cement.
- It's not Iike tape recorders... - Annie, this is Tina's new boyfriend.
HeIIo. How Iong you been going out with my niece?
- No, we don't go out. We're just friends. - Yeah. I know Tina.
- Vinnie! Danny's in show business. - (Danny) I'm just a friend.
- He's a manager. - You know Jackie WhaIen?
- Yeah, he's a comedian. He's very funny. - I don't think he's funny. I think he's dirty.
Today everything is, with the pornography, aII the four-Ietter words.
- It's aII fiIthy. - I saw this guy in AtIantic City.
He had a cigar box. And he cuts a hoIe in it.
Then he goes backstage, he opens up his fIy and he sticks his thing in it.
Then he goes outside, down to ringside to some oId Iady's tabIe, opens up the box.
- That's humour? - They caII me oId-fashioned,...
..but if it's oId-fashioned to Iike mr Danny Kaye, mr Bob Hope, mr miIton BerIe,...
..then aII right, then I'm oId-fashioned.
- Tina, can't we discuss it? - No, we discussed it a hundred times.
- Then why did you come here today? - I don't know.
- I guess I shouIdn't have. - Tina, I Iove you.
- No. No, it's over. - If I thought that, I'd kiII myseIf.
- Johnny, don't taIk Iike that. - And you know I'd do it, too.
- You're too emotionaI. - I wrote you a poem.
I shouIdn't have come. I'm too mixed up myseIf.
- It's about our month in SiciIy. - Can't you forget it?
We stroIIed on cIiffs of stone
Like Greeks of ancient times.
Your hair bIew this way and that
mixed with bits of sand.
Our eyes met
And then Iooked out toward the sea
- The bIue Aegean. - Tina...
- We Iaughed and... - What are you doin' here?
- I know what you're thinking. Pushy? - I'm readin' a poem.
I'm sorry. I came to get you.
I wanna know what you're doing here.
- I want you to come with me. - Who are you?
Danny Rose, theatricaI management. might I get five minutes with the Iady?
Listen, you know I'm dying to come to the WaIdorf. But I've been hurt, that's aII.
So this is who's been sending you the singIe white rose every day? Danny Rose.
How do you know about the white roses?
BeIieve me, I know more about you than you think I know.
- might I interject...? - You know because you spy on me.
It's not spying when you care about someone, what's happening to them.
Yeah, you check my maiIbox in my apartment when I'm not there. Admit it.
So you prefer him with his white roses to me and aII we were to each other?
I prefer someone that has respect for me and doesn't spy!
- Are you going with him? - (Tina mutters)
Tina, can I get one...? Tina.
- What are you doing with money? - Are you a big shot, tearing your money?
I been tearing money since my first HoIy Communion.
See this? 10 doIIars. I don't care.
- Here. What does it mean? - 2û0, 2û0.
2û0? 2û0, 40, 60 doIIars.
What does it mean, you know? It means nothin'.
mere fascination, that's aII it is.
Yeah, I wanna see Lou, but he treats me Iousy.
WeII, Lou's crazy about you. I'm teIIing you.
Tonight's a big shot for him, reaIIy.
Lou's not a kid. He's trying to make a comeback.
When he sings ''That's Amore'', that for me is the end.
Isn't it unbeIievabIe what he does with that song? Isn't that fantastic?
I'm gonna hit you with one word. I'm gonna say just one word. Sorrento. OK?
Sorrento. Am I Iying?
I Iike it when he takes the microphone off the stand and starts to sort of throw it.
- That's my gesture. I gave him that. - No. I saw him years ago.
- He took the microphone off. - But he didn't throw it from hand to hand.
I gave him that touch. I used to do that.
So you taught him to throw the microphone from hand to hand.
I taught him everything. I gave him his gestures,...
..I handIe his budget, I pick his cIothes, his songs.
And you manage his Iove Iife.
my father - may he rest in peace - said ''In business, friendIy but not famiIiar.''
But what am I gonna do? This is personaI management. It's a key word. PersonaI.
So, you know, I gotta get invoIved. Like Herbie Jayson, my bird act.
A cat ate the Iead bird. So I gotta Ieap right into the breach, you know.
Or my Puerto Rican ventriIoquist.
He's got everything you need to make it big, but he's a dope addict.
- So I gotta get in there and heIp. - What can I say?
Now that I see you, I'm the wrong guy to be the beard.
Who'd beIieve that such a beautifuI girI wouId date me?
- Come on. - No, I'm teIIing the truth.
- my hand to God. - I'm not beautifuI.
I see a Iot of singers and actresses. You are.
- WeII, you're not so terribIe. - Yeah. I know one thing, honey.
I'm never gonna be Cary Grant, I don't care what anybody says.
Can I get a sip of that?
Can I teII you a secret? I'm not just trying to make you feeI good or anything.
A handsome man never did anything for me. You know what turns me on?
InteIIectuaI. I'm not just saying this to make you feeI good or anything.
You're a smooth taIker. AngeIina once even predicted I wouId marry a Jew.
- Did she happen to say which Jew? - A Jew or someone musicaI.
Listen, now we're taIking about something musicaI, couId you go caII Lou?
Cos the guy needs you. Give him a caII.
Cos it's Iate. We'II get right outta here. PIease. PIease, darIing.
(Tina) No, Lou. No, it's not that I hate you.
It's just that, you know, you get me angry sometimes.
Yeah. I'm gonna... I was aIways gonna be there. I'II be there.
WiII you Iisten to me? I'm coming, OK?
It's just that sometimes you get me crazy.
Oh, my God. Look!
It's him! She betrayed me with him.
(woman) Oh, my God! He drank iodine!
(Johnny) He seduced her away from me!
Were you seeing Tina whiIe she was going with Johnny?
WouId I do something Iike that? No!
Then who sent the white roses, one every day?
Johnny! Johnny, what happened?
What happened? TeII mommy.
my son is sensitive. He's a poet.
É un poeta, figlio mio.
He's fantastic. How oId are you, Johnny?
- He's 40. - He's 40. UnbeIievabIe. Are you an Aries?
- Just teII me, are you an Aries? - Johnny's been made a fooI out of.
They forced him to wear the horns!
Le corna, capite?
(Johnny) We were engaged untiI he put a speII on her!
You know, this man's a beautifuI man. He is a fantastic individuaI.
Lo giuro davanti alla madonna, Johnny, lo giura mamma tua.
Boy, that guy Johnny must have reaIIy been crazy about you.
I Iike to fIirt, you know. Sometimes peopIe take it too seriousIy.
Johnny's aII right. He was reaIIy nice to me when my marriage feII apart.
And what did your husband do?
A IittIe bookmaking, some Ioansharking, extortion, Iike that.
So he's a professionaI man. You divorced him or you got a separation or what?
Some guy shot him in the eyes.
- ReaIIy? He's bIind? - Dead.
He's dead, of course, cos the buIIets go right through.
Oh, my God, you poor thing. It must have been a shock.
- He had it coming. - Oh, I see.
It was one of those. A cIose marriage.
It was exciting. You never knew what was gonna happen next.
That kind of excitement I can Iive without.
He was tough, good-Iooking.
- What did he teII you he did? - Juice man for the mob.
- He made juice for the mob? - Juice man.
No. He coIIected for the Ioan sharks.
OK, so now Danny's driving along with Tina. They're talking.
What they don't know is after they left the party,...
..there was this scene with Johnny Rispoli's brothers, Joe and Vito,...
..who are both hit men for the Mob.
Their mother is outraged and humiliated...
..over what's been goin' on with Danny Rose, who they call Danny White Roses.
Don't worry, mama. You just Ieave him to us.
Your brother is soft. He's sensitive.
Her husband had no respect for us either. Carmine VitaIe, he was no damn good.
He cheated us. And she's no better.
She said one thing to my face and she betrayed me.
It's the Iover. He's got her under his speII, Johnny.
- We'II fix him. - We'II chop his Iegs off.
No. We'II kiII him. I don't trust him.
But not Tina. PIease, not Tina.
Get rid of the Iover. Get rid of the Iover and you get her back.
He's got the eviI eye.
C'ha il malocchio. You understand, figlio mio? ll malocchio.
mama, he's a dead man.
- (Tina) I'II just have an iced coffee. - I'm gonna have a gIass of miIk. Large.
I got an uIcer. I shouIdn't have drank at the party. That was my mistake.
my ex-husband had an uIcer.
They say it's stress. It's an entire mentaI syndrome.
Yeah. Carmine was aIways afraid they were gonna shoot him in the back.
He was wrong, so...
So who eIse have you handIed besides Lou?
me? I got... I got... I have various interesting artists.
I got a very wonderfuI bIind xyIophone pIayer, you know, that's...
I got a... I'm currentIy working with a parrot that sings ''I Gotta Be me''.
And I got some very nice baIIoon-foIders, you know. It's interesting.
No big shots, right?
I don't know. I've discovered certain artists that have gone on to better things.
Yeah, but they aII Ieave you, right? How come?
I got a theory about that, you know. Thank you.
I think what happens is they get a sweIIhead, you know what I mean?
PeopIe Iike to forget their beginnings and they just spIit.
You must be doin' somethin' wrong if everybody Ieaves you.
How? What am I doing wrong?
I find 'em, I discover 'em, I breathe Iife into 'em and then they go.
And no guiIt. They don't feeI guiIty or anything. They just spIit.
GuiIty? What the heII is that? They see somethin' better and they grab it.
- Who's got time for guiIt? - GuiIt is important.
It's important to feeI guiIty, otherwise you're capabIe of terribIe things.
It's very important to be guiIty. I'm guiIty aII the time and I never did anything.
my rabbi, Rabbi PerIstein, used to say we're aII guiIty in the eyes of God.
- You beIieve in God? - No. But I'm guiIty over it.
I never feeI guiIty. I just think you gotta do what you gotta do, you know.
Life's short. You don't get any medaIs for bein' a boy scout.
WeII, do me a favour, darIing. Don't give this information to Lou.
- I got enough probIems. - Don't move.
- What's the matter? - Just get up sIowIy and get outta here.
- I don't understand? What's out there? - Johnny's brothers.
- You mean the guy with the iodine? - They're crazy, that whoIe famiIy.
- Why? Because they think I'm your Iover? - They'II tear the tongue outta your head.
I'm just a beard. They'II tear the tongue outta the beard?
Throw some money down. Let's go.
- What do you mean? I onIy got 10 bucks. - Leave it.
- Just Ieave it. Come on, wiII ya? - The check is a doIIar and a haIf.
- An eight-and-a-haIf-doIIar tip. - There oughta be a deIivery entrance.
For that kind of dough I couId get the waitress to sIeep with me.
Where's the...? There it is!
Don't get up. Keep turning out the junk food.
- Come on! This way. - I don't Iike this.
DarIing, darIing, may I interject one statement? I don't Iike what's going on.
- Oh, Christ! Better go down there. - What the heII did you get me into?
Do what I'm teIIing you. You'II wind up on a meat hook.
A meat hook? A meat hook?
OK. I'II go first.
- I'm angry. I'm teIIing you, I'm angry. - Hurry up and get down.
I'm reaIIy fuming.
Just feeI free to dig your heeI into my groin Iike that.
So Danny and Tina, they run.
What's he gonna do? Now he is not onIy scared. The man is pissed off.
- Sure. Because he didn't do anything. - You got it.
Wait, wait, wait. Cut to a haIf-hour Iater. It's a haIf-hour Iater. Now they're Iost.
They're Iost. And he's furious.
He's getting on her nerves. She's getting on his nerves.
- (Danny) Jesus! Where the heII are we? - (Tina) AII right, take it easy.
Don't teII me to take it easy, because I've had enough aIready today.
I'm a personaI manager. I got a big night ahead of me.
meanwhiIe I'm wandering around here in North Vietnam.
- We got away, didn't we? - I got nothing to get away from.
I didn't do anything.
I'm running aII of a sudden with fortune-teIIers and meat hooks.
I'II take care of it when we hit a phone.
A phone? We're in a swamp, darIing. Where is there gonna be a phone here?
She's with Lou and they wanna break my Iegs.
- I don't have to go tonight. - WeII, that's fine with me.
Then don't, because I'm too scared aIready anyhow.
Lou, I wish you wouIdn't drink Iike that. You've got an important show tonight.
I got a coId sore tonight. Look at this thing over here.
- It's nothing. - It's gotta be tonight. BeIieve you me.
And those TV peopIe, they notice everything. They're pros.
- They got it down to a science. - Turn on the baII game.
I can't even decide whether to go with ''BouIevard of Broken Dreams''...
..or ''Three Coins in the Fountain'' as an encore.
The kids are driving me nuts over here. Give me a break over here.
I wonder where Danny is. I'm waiting for his caII. I got a miIIion questions.
- (Teresa) Where is Danny? - Went to pick up his date in Jersey.
I guess they probabIy got tied up in traffic.
- Who's his date? - How do I know? Some broad.
- Jesus. We're in the middIe of nowhere. - I never saw so many reeds in my Iife.
- I feeI Iike moses. - Lou's probabIy worried sick.
Lou is probabIy drinking out of the promotionaI-size whisky bottIe by now.
Hey, wait a minute. I know where we are. These are the fIatIands.
my husband's friends used to dump bodies here.
Great. I'm sure you can show me aII the points of cuIturaI interest.
Hey, who are you?
(Danny) Who are you?
- Who are you? - We're Iost.
We're shooting a commerciaI down by the river.
What a break! I'm Danny Rose, theatricaI management. God bIess you.
- This is Tina... - VitaIe.
Hi. I'm Ray Webb, the actor. How you doin', babe?
Listen, we gotta get a car. Is it possibIe?
- There are no cars out here tiII tonight. - We need one now. It's an emergency.
I'm a theatricaI manager, so I gotta see BerIe at the WaIdorf Iater. miIton BerIe.
There's a guy there with a boat. Give him a coupIe of bucks. He'II take you across.
- Great, great. - I don't traveI by water.
It's against my reIigion. I'm a IandIocked Hebrew.
You ever seen me on TV? I pIay the shaving-cream man from outer space.
- Wanna feeI my cheeks, huh? - Funny.
Come on, Danny. We gotta take this boat. Lou's waitin'. Come on.
Five minutes across the Hudson. It's nothin'.
You want me to go on the Hudson River? That's crazy!
How did you two get out here without a car?
I've been through thick and thin with that car.
- Now I gotta Ieave it overnight? - Pick it up tomorrow. It'II be fine.
If anything happens to that car, I'II be furious, Tina. I wiII be furious.
OK. Now they're gonna go back to Manhattan by boat.
A boat, mind you.
Can you picture Danny Rose on a boat? l mean, this guy is strictly pavement.
he needs the smell ofcarbon monoxide and litter to feel good.
Danny is not meant for water.
So, naturally, the minute he steps on the boat, he's gone.
A lunch he ate in 1956 is beginning to come up on him.
he's green. he's dizzy.
Tina's fine. She's made ofsteel. l'll tell you what's going through her mind.
She's thinking ofa conversation that she and Lou had a week before.
- Hey, hey! AII right! - Listen, Lou,...
..I don't want you to break up with your wife because of me. I don't...
Tina, it's not you. This has been on my mind.
I'd feeI Iike a home-wrecker. That's what I feeI Iike.
I gotta change my whoIe IifestyIe.
The thing you gotta change is your management.
Listen, Danny's aII right. So he's no worId-beater. I mean, he's aII right.
I know nothin' about show business. And I got nothin' against the guy,...
..but I see the joints you work and the way things are going.
You're better than aII these new guys.
- You're prejudiced cos you Iike me. - Yeah, sure I am.
Listen, Danny'd be Iost without me. He's countin' on me.
You know what you're doin'.
Why don't you Iet me introduce you to Sid Bacharach?
How do you know him? Why wouId he give me his time?
He was good friends with my husband. They were both very tight in AtIantic City.
- Sid Bacharach, huh? - He's a big guy, right?
Big gun, big gun. No two ways about it.
OK. Now they're in the middle ofthe hudson River.
The fog has come in. Danny's face is - what colour should l say?
lt's khaki. The man has a khaki face.
So Tina wanted Lou to leave Danny and go with Sid Bacharach?
That's exactly what l'm saying. See, three days earlier...
.. Tina had set up a secret lunch meeting at some steakjoint in Manhattan.
WeII, guys, we finaIIy made it. Lou Canova, Sid Bacharach.
- Sid, this is Lou. - A pIeasure, mr Bacharach. TruIy.
I've onIy heard wonderfuI things about you from Tina.
- She does that aII the time. - No. You remember Lou from the '50s.
- He's got it. - I remember ''Tossin' and Turnin'''.
That thing on ''Perfidia'' too.
Now I understand you aIready have representation.
He's IoyaI to a guy who means weII but he can't seem to move him.
I know aII about those things,...
..and sometimes it just doesn't work out and he can't heIp you.
It's my career. It's my Iife. I gotta do what's right for it.
I reaIIy wanna catch your act. I know this nostaIgia thing is reaIIy coming on strong.
- He's hot now. - I'm gonna be at the WaIdorf on the 2û5th.
2û5th. Be great if you couId come, Sid. He's ready.
AII he needs is somebody with a IittIe cIout to open some doors.
I'II do my best to make it on Sunday night.
Don't worry about it. I'II get you in the back.
- You won't regret it. - No probIem.
OK. So Tina's thinking about all this stuff while they're sailing across the hudson.
Meanwhile, the two crazy brothers are in New York looking to kill Danny.
Wasn't Tina gonna make a phone call and have 'em called off?.
She did, the minute they got ashore, but it didn't work.
- So what's happening? - You're gonna have to Iay Iow for a whiIe.
- What do you mean? - You got any friends outta town?
- Outta town? Like where? Are you nuts? - You better check into a hoteI.
You were gonna settIe this with one phone caII.
It's gonna take a few days. meanwhiIe, they're Iooking for you.
DarIing, can I say one thing? I'm going to the poIice.
No, that's a mistake. You gotta Iay Iow.
Lay Iow? I didn't do anything! my whoIe Iife I never got invoIved in any troubIe.
I eat the right foods. Now I gotta Iay Iow? Jesus! You said one phone caII.
I know. It's gonna be taken care of. I got someone onto it.
- my advice is to check into a hoteI. - I got an apartment.
- Why do I need a hoteI? - You can't go back there for a few days.
I'm gonna spend for a hoteI whiIe I'm carrying an apartment?
AII right, it's a mix-up. Just don't go home, that's aII.
I gotta go home. You know, you're bad news, honey.
I knew that when you were starting with the ice pick on Lou.
Nice girIs don't screw around with ice picks.
- Just don't go home. - I gotta go home.
I gotta get my piIIs and my shorts. And Lou, the poor guy, he's probabIy a wreck.
(Lou) I'm not drunk. I'm not drunk.
I mean, I'm OK.
I'm gonna be aII right.
Now where you been? I'm goin' crazy. Where's Tina?
Lou, Lou, take some bIack coffee and get over to the WaIdorf. She's here.
You speak to him, cos he's Iost. He's gone aIready.
Lou, I'II be there, honey. Just do what Danny says.
- (Danny) Be nice to him. - We'II meet you at the pIace.
Of course I miss you. But wiII you Iay off the sauce? AII right.
(Danny) He's drunk. I knew this was gonna happen.
Where are my piIIs? I need a VaIium the size of a hockey puck.
- Who's this? Who is this here? - What do you mean? That's Frank.
Frank, Tony Bennett and me. This was a big night.
See me up there? A IittIe tiny smudge that's Iike a fingerprint. That's my head.
There I am with miss Judy GarIand. Never a dearer woman existed.
- Where are you? - WeII, I'm right outside of frame.
Cos if the picture went on another inch, I wouId be... I was back behind the dais.
And here's mr myron Cohen and... Jesus, where is my bottIe of piIIs?
- How Iong have you had this joint? - Joint? This is rent-controIIed.
You oughta fix it up. You're Iiving Iike a Ioser.
Nobody ever comes over, so what do I care?
Nobody comes over? You ever been married?
No. I was engaged once to a dancer, you know,...
..but she ran away with a piano pIayer and I broke off with her.
- You know what I'd do with this room? - What?
Liven it up. Do it aII in somethin' up, you know. Pink, maybe?
- Pink? - Yeah. You know, you gotta Iighten it up.
Pink with maybe some goId waIIpaper. And you need fabric, you know.
Like big purpIe piIIows or somethin'. maybe some incense.
What is this? A Turkish whorehouse? I Iive here.
I'm serious. You gotta Iighten it up. maybe some bamboo furniture. Bamboo.
I aIways wanted to do a room in bamboo with, Iike, zebra skins.
- ReaIIy? Are you serious? - Why not? It's exciting.
What you're taIking about is Iike a tropicaI motif, right?
- It's funny, cos actuaIIy I Iike bamboo. - ReaIIy?
Picture, Iike, hanging pIants maybe, and a reaIIy nice tiIe fIoor.
Bamboo furniture. It's very beautifuI and very dramatic.
- You got an eye for drama. - You reaIIy think so?
You sound surprised.
Nobody ever Iiked my African-jungIe idea before.
I aIways had this as a dream. You're the first person ever Iiked it.
I'm wiIIing to bet that you're fuII of good ideas, but you Iack confidence.
- You don't have any confidence. - It's my big probIem as a decorator.
Sure, it's Iike the acts I handIe. I couId straighten you out in no time at aII.
Cos I don't see you just decorating IittIe joints and IittIe apartments in the suburbs.
I see you doing your goId waIIs and your Turkish piIIows...
..and aII that garbage in hoteIs and embassies and stuff.
- ReaIIy? - Yeah, naturaIIy.
- You couId. I can smeII it. - I don't think so.
The boat's saiIed for me. I shouId have been more serious when I was younger.
Younger? You got your whoIe Iife ahead of you.
The troubIe is I Iook at my work and I think it's ugIy.
WeII, my uncIe morris, the famous diabetic from BrookIyn,...
..used to say ''If you hate yourseIf, then you hate your work.''
I sIeep at night. It's you that's got the uIcer.
I got an uIcer, but it may be a good thing. You know what my phiIosophy of Iife is?
That it's important to have some Iaughs, but you gotta suffer a IittIe too,...
..because otherwise you miss the whoIe point to Iife.
- Know what my phiIosophy of Iife is? - I can imagine.
It's over quick, so have a good time. You see want you want, go for it.
Don't pay attention to anyone eIse. Do it to the other guy first, or he'II do it to you.
This is a phiIosophy of Iife? It sounds Iike the screenpIay to ''murder Incorporated''.
HoId this. That's ridicuIous. No wonder you don't Iike yourseIf.
Stop saying that. I Iike myseIf fine.
Down deep, I sense that you don't.
- You're the one that's Iivin' Iike a Ioser. - Why? Cos I haven't made it?
That's the beauty of this business.
Overnight you can go from a bum to a hero.
- I think it's gonna happen now with Lou. - We better get going.
Just Iet me say one thing. my uncIe Sidney - IoveIy uncIe, dead, compIeteIy -
used to say three things: acceptance, forgiveness and Iove.
That is a phiIosophy of Iife: acceptance, forgiveness and Iove. There's where it is.
So teII me more about the bamboo room.
I'm gonna stay one night. One night. Cos I don't wanna incur expense.
I'm gonna make a phone caII. I got another idea.
- How much is a singIe room? - Sorry. AII fiIIed up.
Get in the car!
Get in the car!
FeIIas... FeIIas, can I... may I just interject one thing at this particuIar point in time?
- Keep goin' straight. - Look, I Iike Johnny. I Iike your brother.
I got nothing against him. I just met him today. I Iiked his poem.
What's under discussion here is the girI's feeIings. Where is the girI?
We're gonna take reaI good care of you, paI.
I wanna say one thing, and I don't mean to be didactic or facetious in any manner.
She doesn't Iove him. She doesn't Iove him any more.
I know it's hard to take. Because we aII want what we can't have in Iife.
It's a naturaI thing, but take my cousin CeiI. Not pretty Iike Tina at aII.
She Iooks Iike something in a reptiIe house in a zoo.
- She meets this accountant... - WiII you shut up?!
(Danny) Wait, wait, wait. No.
You misunderstand me.
- (Tina) Goddamn you! - (Danny) I'm trying to make a point.
FeIIas, feIIas, I'm a veteran. I'm a veteran.
- Get the axe. - There's an axe?
FeIIas, I'm the beard. I'm just a beard. You don't understand.
He's teIIing the truth. He has nothing to do with this.
You don't beIieve me, right?
- We're gonna chop your Iegs off. - FeIIas, I'm onIy the beard.
WouId I waste my time with a guy Iike this?
Then who? You want him to waIk outta here, you have to give us a name.
- I'm not taIking. - No, you teII us, you punk.
You don't want me to rat on a friend, do you?
Let me quote Rabbi Hirschhorn, an extremeIy Iearned man,...
- ..perhaps not of your persuasion. - Who you bearding for?
- I'm not the guy. Isn't that enough? - You two are dead men.
Oh, yeah? Who you bearding for, you IittIe cheese eater?
Cheese... I don't know exactIy what it means, but I know it's not good.
Who are you bearding for? I'II put a buIIet right between her eyes!
- Don't do that! I'II taIk! - Danny, don't! They'II kiII him!
I don't wanna get my Iegs chopped off cos I do a guy a favour.
- Who is it? - AII right, you wanna know who it is?
ShouId I teII you who it is? ShouId I say? It's... Barney Dunn.
Who's Barney Dunn?
- Who is it?! - Danny, you rat!
- Shut up! - I don't owe you anything over this.
FeIIas, I swear on my Iife, it's Barney Dunn.
And, Barney, may God forgive me.
- Who? - Barney Dunn. You know Barney Dunn.
I can't hear ya.
Barney Dunn was the world's worst ventriloquist.
lfthey couldn't get an animal act, they would call Barney Dunn.
Barney would work children's parties. Five-year-old kids would boo him.
Two weeks ago Danny, who doesn't handle Barney,...
..that'll tell you about Barney, Danny didn't wanna handle him,...
..Danny meets Barney on the street.
- How you doin', Barney? How's it goin'? - I'm Ieaving on a c-cruise tomorrow.
- You're kidding? Where for? - I'm working a s-s-ship to the B-Bahamas.
- Fantastic. And then back here? - No. And here's the b-b-beauty part.
From the B-Bahamas to P-Puerto Rico for th-three weeks.
- So Danny names Barney Dunn. - Can't they check that?
They do check it. They tie up Danny and Tina and they go to check it.
What am I doing here? How did I get into this? Why me?
What did I do to deserve this that I'm here now?
You were reaIIy quick to come up with that name so fast.
Great. That's wonderfuI. Let me teII you something, darIing. I was traumatised.
my body went into shock when they stuck that gun in you.
I thought they're gonna kiII us, I'm gonna be dead,...
..and miIton is coming to the WaIdorf soon.
Listen, they're gonna be back in a minute. We gotta do something.
I can't move a finger. I'm tied up here Iike a pig.
- If we couId get outta these ropes. - I can't.
They just Ieft one guy out there. There's two of us.
But Iet me remind you, he's got an axe. The man has an axe.
- There'II be four of us in no time. - maybe we couId sneak away.
You know what I'm thinking, though. I used to handIe...
I used to handIe an escape artist named Shandar...
..who couId get outta ropes, but... the probIem is you gotta be standing up to...
And even then I'm not sure we couId do it. Let me ask you something.
Do you think it's possibIe we couId work our way off this tabIe?
I can hardIy move.
Try with me. I'm serious.
- Try a IittIe bit. Come on, give it a try. - You're so heavy.
Just try. Just do what I'm teIIing you. Come on. It'II happen. move. move!
- OK? You aII right? - Yeah.
Try and puII. That's it. See? It's not so tough.
Very good. That's it.
Try and sIide down. That's it.
That's it. Very good. SIowIy.
That's it. SIowIy. That's it. Come on.
Now puII. Come on. Hard.
That's it. That's it.
A IittIe more. I think we got it. AttagirI.
That's right. OK.
- You got it? - Yeah.
Very good. Now, we're...
Here's what... When Shandar was Iike this,...
..what he wouId do is he wouId wriggIe.
- WriggIe? - Yeah, and what happens...
..is the ropes graduaIIy start to get some pIay in them, they start to get Ioose.
- Take my word for it. He wouId wriggIe. - You sure?
So, you ready? Ready? AII right, now start to wriggIe.
That's right. WriggIe. See what I mean? That's it. That's a girI.
WriggIe. That's it. That's it.
- I'm wriggIing. - Keep wriggIing.
- Are you wriggIing? - Uh-huh. I'm wriggIing.
- That's good wriggIing. - I don't wanna over-wriggIe.
It's nice wriggIing. That's it.
The ropes are starting to get Ioose. Come on, it's happening.
my hand's getting free. Keep wriggIing. Don't stop now.
- I got it, I got it. - Yeah?
- I got it, I got it. - Yes?
- Great! - Come on. Get this thing off.
Come on, keep wriggIing. Keep wriggIing, darIing. Don't...
I toId you, that's what Shandar did.
He wouId wriggIe and get the whoIe thing to happen. I saw it a miIIion times.
Hey, hey! HoId it!
- Let's go. Jesus, where the heII are we? - God.
What is this? This Iooks Iike some kind of a factory.
- It Iooks Iike a warehouse. - Yeah. You hear him?
I think he's right behind us. Let's get outta here.
- (Tina) Jeez, it's so dark. - Don't panic.
- Looks Iike a Iot of parade fIoats. - Perfect.
There's a guy with a pistoI running after us, we're stuck in the macy's Day Parade.
- (Tina) Can you see anyone? - What's going on? Where the heII are we?
(high voice) Don't move or I'II bIow your brains out!
- (high voice) Don't shoot! I'm just a beard. - (high voice) You're making a mistake.
(high voice) Don't teII me you're the beard, you goddamn IittIe rat.
(high voice) Run, Tina, run! He's outta buIIets! It's our chance! It's our chance!
(high voice) AII right, I'm coming!
(high voice) You IittIe rat! You're never gonna get outta here! I'II find you.
I don't beIieve this! He's drunk! I got a show in a haIf-hour. I got a packed house.
Don't panic. Don't panic. I'II deaI with him.
ReIax, wiII ya? I can taIk to him. Lou...
- Is miIton here yet? - Yes. He came with Howard CoseII.
ReIax, everybody. You're gonna be OK.
This is Lou's wife, Teresa. That's Tina... musante.
- VitaIe. - Danny, he's gotta go on in 2û0 minutes.
I got a fuII house out there. Something's gotta happen.
(Danny) Lou, say the three S's. Lou, pIease, you gotta puII yourseIf together.
Listen to me. You're gonna do a great show.
- He gonna be OK? - Danny'II get him sober.
Come on, Lou. I need two aspirin, some tomato juice, some Worcestershire sauce.
And some goat cheese and some chicken fat.
- That'II do it? - The Danny Rose formuIa.
- I stiII can't figure out how it works. - I promise you're gonna be OK tonight.
% One day you wiII hoId
% my cara mia
% A chiId of your own
% And I pray
% Bambina, remember the stories
% Your mama, my mama, wouId say
% Keep ItaIian in your heart
% Let it aIways be a part
% Of you
% Never Iet it fade away
% Be a part of every day
% Let it stay in your heart for ever
% Put ItaIian in your heart
% Let it aIways be a part
% Of you
% Never Iet it fade away
% Be a part of every day
% Let it stay in your heart for ever
% my bambina
% my cara mia
% my bambina
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Love you.
This is what you get when you eat too much.
% Agita, my gumba, in the banzone
% When I eat, he gets a treat Iike a canzone
% He enjoys every meaI, every bite that I steaI
% Agita, my gumba, in the banzone
% Some peopIe Iike their pizza, some peopIe Iike suffrite
% And others Iike hot pepper on everything they eat
% You hunger with a vuoIe to taste some bacaIa
% Then aII at once you think ''WiII I answer to gumba?''
% my IoveIy, IoveIy woman, I hate to see her cry
% But when I start to mangia, I get the eviI eye
% my vuoIe's gettin' stronger, ah, to heII with my gumba
Lou, you were wonderfuIIy superb. ''Chicago'' is my favourite.
- I know my fans. - You were terrific.
- You were worried. - I wasn't worried. You were fabuIous.
- Thank you for coming. - Great show.
George, you don't miss an act, huh?
How you doin', hon? You hoIdin' up aII right?
BiII and Diane are gonna give me a Iift home. I have to take care of the sitter.
I'd appreciate it because I gotta do some serious things with Danny.
- I'II be home in about two, three hours. - Danny, make sure he gets home earIy.
- Lou. - Eddie! AII right!
(Danny) Lou, when I teII you what this woman and I have been through today...
When you find out what you put me through today... UnbeIievabIe!
(Lou) I gotta speak to you now whiIe I'm stiII high.
(Danny) He'II faII down when I teII him. Lou, I can't sIeep home tonight.
(Lou) I gotta get this off my chest. Tina's here because she's part of it.
(Lou) Come next week, I feeI some changes gotta be made.
- Yeah? Like what? - Tina and I, we're crazy about each other.
And I feeI I gotta say something to Terry about it.
If that's what you decide on, that's what you do. If you gotta do it, you gotta do it.
- I just hope you know what you're doing. - We're sure about a Iot of things.
I feeI for myseIf that I gotta make a few changes.
- What kind of changes? - Like management.
What do you mean, management?
What do you mean, management?
Tina's reaIIy cIose to Sid Bacharach. You had to notice him there tonight.
He was there to see me.
I don't understand. You wanna change management?
Don't think it's not hard for me to say, but I gotta do what's right for my career.
What do you mean? Am I hear...? I can't beIieve you're saying this.
Danny, Sid can reaIIy move me. I mean, we've got this speciaI rapport.
How do you know Sid? Have you been pushing him to... to Ieave me?
Hey, Ieave me outta this. AII I know is he's a big taIent and he's pIayin' joints.
Joints? He was Iucky he couId get j...
When I met him, he was stiII singing ''FunicuIí FunicuIá''.
- (Tina) Look, Danny, facts are facts. - What are you taIking about?
- This kid owes me his Iife. - Leave her outta it. What's done is done.
I don't understand you, Lou. We've been through so much.
(Lou) You make everything into a personaI situation.
Of course I make it personaI. That's our reIationship.
You can't put into a contract what I do with you.
Can I give you...? my uncIe meyer, the man soId appIes...
- Say somethin'. You know I'm not verbaI. - This is between you.
You gotta do what you gotta do and Danny's gotta understand it.
Danny, if anything comes outta this, you know you're gonna be in for a taste.
Danny. Where you goin', Danny? Danny. Danny.
(man) Hey, how you doin', Danny? You hear about Barney Dunn?
CoupIe of guys done a pretty good job on him. They beat him up pretty badIy.
- I thought he was on a cruise. - Nah, nah, that was canceIIed.
He's in the hospitaI now. It was pretty rough for a whiIe.
It was touch and go. But it's aII right now.
The cops got 'em. They got the guys that done the job on him.
- Which hospitaI? - RooseveIt.
How you doin', Barney?
Danny. Wh-wh-what are you doing here?
WeII, I heard that you got beat up, so...
I s-s-stiII don't know what happened.
I want you to know if there's anything I can do, anything at aII.
HospitaI biIIs, anything at aII, I'II take care of it.
You wanna pay my hospitaI biIIs?
Danny, are you sure you're OK?
ReaIIy, Barney, anything at aII. Whatever you need.
I thought this was a funny story. It's terribIe.
What do you want me to do? It's not my Iife.
So Lou Ieaves his wife and kids and he moves in with Tina.
Sid Bacharach's handling him. he's doin' all right.
% The worId and aII of its goId
% Oh, goId won't bring you happiness
% When you're growing oId
% Oh, the worId, it's stiII the same
You OK? You seem a IittIe down.
No. I have a headache.
What are you giving me? I ordered a Courvoisier.
- Didn't you order a Jack DanieIs? - I ordered a Courvoisier.
- You did say Courvoisier. - Let's not make a federaI case out of it.
- (Lou) Honey, what are you doin' up? - (Tina) I can't sIeep.
- It's four o'cIock in the morning. - Yeah, I know. I had a bad dream.
Is this Iike a thing or somethin'? This is goin' on every other night.
- Why don't you take a piII or somethin'? - I don't Iike piIIs.
When I can't sIeep, I take one of those SeconaIs. I go out Iike a baby.
- I'm OK. I'm fine. - Listen, I got a great new idea.
In AtIantic City, I'II open up with ''You're Nobody TiII Somebody Loves You''.
Then I'II go into ''When You're SmiIing''.
- Give me a break. It's four in the morning. - You're not Iistening to me.
This is important stuff.
AngeIina, I can't sIeep. I... I feeI jumpy.
I don't know. I'm not myseIf.
I see bad dreams.
Deep dreams. Bad conscience.
Yeah. A IittIe whiIe ago I met some man.
I hardIy spent any time with him.
One day we had an adventure.
Yes. He makes you feeI uneasy.
I did him some... some IittIe wrong. Just some smaII business matter.
I didn't even know him very weII.
When I had the chance to say something, I... I didn't speak up.
I have a vision of you,...
..standing before a Iarge mirror.
I... I had that dream Iast week.
That was it, exactIy my dream.
What is it you're seeking there?
I wanna rest easy again.
I wanna find myseIf.
I wanna wipe out my thoughts and forget this guy.
I can't see cIearIy. It's uncIear.
It's aII uncIear.
Non ci vedo bene. Non é chiaro.
(Lou) What's the matter with you IateIy? You're so edgy.
I don't wanna go to CaIifornia, OK? It gives me the creeps out there.
- It's important you go to CaIifornia. - WeII, then you go.
What is it with you? LateIy everything's goin' so niceIy.
my comeback's in fuII swing now. But you weren't happy in Vegas.
You weren't happy in AtIantic City. I thought you'd be happy.
I'm moody. You knew I was moody when you met me.
I had it with the moods. I gotta go to CaIifornia, that's it.
Honey, what's the matter?
I don't know.
Lou moves to LA.
Tina doesn't. lt's all over between 'em. Guess who calls her for a date.
- l have no idea. - Remember the shaving-cream man?
The guy she met with Danny in the reeds?
That's right. They start going out. But she'sjust as moody with him.
They fight, they argue. Then one morning - Thanksgiving morning -
the two ofthem are on Central park West.
There's the parade.
- Now what's wrong? - I don't know.
Jesus, Tina, what's wrong with you?
Look, maybe we shouId have a IittIe heart-to-heart. Everything makes you cry.
maybe you shouId see a doctor. I don't know what to do with you. Baby!
What are you trying to puII here?
- (Tina) I gotta see AngeIina right away. - I'm sorry. AngeIina's not here.
What time's she coming back? I need her advice.
She's with her grandchiIdren. She won't be here untiI monday.
- This is important. - I can't heIp it if it's important.
She won't be here untiI monday. PIease come monday.
OK, I got the frozen turkeys!
- Thank you, Danny. - Give me a IittIe hand. God Iove you.
- Here's your frozen turkey. - Thank you.
B-B-BeIieve me, the frozen is just as g-good as the r-reaI.
- Got it? - Uh-huh.
The frozens are much cheaper than the reaI ones.
- Can I heIp? - No, sit there. You'II faII over.
Just dig in, dig in. Don't hesitate.
- This is reaIIy great. - WouId you Iike a drink?
I'd Iove it.
- There's some Tab and some cIub soda. - (phone rings)
Give her some Coke. Excuse me one second.
HeIIo? Yeah, sure. We're... That's right.
It's the twins. It's the twins. They're...
Sure, darIing. Sure.
And the new noses are good? Yes. Sure.
I... I came to apoIogise.
You gonna ask me in?
Let me caII you back. Yeah.
I'II get back to you. Let me caII you. I'II caII you back.
Hope I'm not intruding.
- I reaIise you hate me. - Bring her in. The food's gettin' coId.
D-D-Danny, who's your fr-fr-fr... guest?
Oh, it's nobody. It's nothing.
Was it your uncIe Sidney who said ''acceptance, forgiveness and Iove''?
Look, I've had a bad year.
If things don't pick up for me, I'm gonna be seIIing storm windows soon.
I'd Iike to be friends.
I don't think that wouId be such a great idea.
This is the best Thanksgiving party we've had so far!
Here's your napkin, honey.
This is absoIuteIy the best Thanksgiving party.
- Danny, this is marveIIous. - Danny, who's your fr-fr-fr... guest?
- The cranberry sauce is dry. - You're eating the mashed potatoes.
(Barney) Hey, what a spread!
GIoria, wait a second. Hey, Danny, thanks a Iot for the invite.
Thanksgiving sure roIIs around fast.
- Well, that's my Danny Rose story. - Unbelievable.
The man is a living legend. Do you know that only six months ago...
..they gave him the greatest honour you can get in the Broadway area?
Look at the menu. At this delicatessen they named a sandwich after him.
The Danny Rose Special.
probably a cream cheese on a bagel with marinara sauce.
he deserves it.
Did you ever go to one of his Thanksgiving parties?
Where they have the frozen turkey.
- Economical, but a lot oflaughs. - Cranberry sauce made like a rocket.
- You had to de-thaw the corn. - lt was incredible.
Listen, excuse me. Before we go any further, may l ask you a favour?
Can we go home now? l'm tired.
We're having laughs.
l haven't seen you in 110 years.
l'm going to Atlantic City tomorrow.
- l'll get the check. l'll take care ofit. - Really?
National holiday. Corbett has the check.
For these kind oflaughs, l figure it's worth it.
Well, we'll do it again tomorrow.
RIPPED BY @--csmajor--@
BBC - The Blue Planet (1 of 8) - Ocean World
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Babylon 5 4x16 - The Exercise of Vital Powers
Babylon 5 4x17 - The Face of the Enemy
Babylon 5 4x18 - Intersections in Real Time
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Battlestar Galactica 01x07 - Six Degrees of Seperation
Battlestar Galactica 01x08 - Flesh and Bone
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Big Fish 2003
Big Hit The
Big Lebowski The
Big Mommas House
Big Shot - A Confessions of a Campus Bookie 2002
Big Sleep The
Big clock The 1948
Big girls dont cry
Billy Madison 1995
Bingwoo 2004 CD1
Bingwoo 2004 CD2
Bionicle 2 A Legends of Metru-Nui
Bionicle Mask Of Light 2003
Birch Tree Meadow The
Bird People in China The 1998 CD1
Bird People in China The 1998 CD2
Bird on a wire
Bishops Wife The 1947 CD1
Bishops Wife The 1947 CD2
Bite the bullet
Bitter Sugar (Azucar amarga)
BlackAdder 1x1 - The Foretelling
BlackAdder 1x2 - Born to be King
BlackAdder 1x3 - The Archbishop
BlackAdder 1x4 - The Queen of Spains Beard
BlackAdder 1x5 - Witchsmeller Pursuivant
BlackAdder 1x6 - The Black Seal
BlackAdder 2x1 - Bells
BlackAdder 2x2 - Head
BlackAdder 2x3 - Potato
BlackAdder 2x4 - Money
BlackAdder 2x5 - Beer
BlackAdder 2x6 - Chains
BlackAdder 4x1 - Captain Cook
BlackAdder 4x2 - Corporal Punishment
BlackAdder 4x3 - Major Star
BlackAdder 4x4 - Private Plane
BlackAdder 4x5 - General Hospital
BlackAdder 4x6 - Goodbyeee
BlackAdder Christmas Carol 1988
BlackAdder The Cavalier Years
BlackAdder the Third 3x1
BlackAdder the Third 3x2
BlackAdder the Third 3x3
BlackAdder the Third 3x4
BlackAdder the Third 3x5
BlackAdder the Third 3x6
Black Adder V - Back and Forth
Black Hawk Down
Black Mask 2
Black Rain CD1
Black Rain CD2
Black Widow 1987
Black and White (1998)
Blackout The 1997 CD1
Blackout The 1997 CD2
Blade 3 - Trinity
Blade Of Fury
Blade Runner (1982 Original Cut) CD1
Blade Runner (1982 Original Cut) CD2
Blade Runner Directors Cut
Blair Witch Project The
Blame It On Rio
Blast From The Past 1999
Blast from the Past
Blazing Sun (1960) CD1
Blazing Sun (1960) CD2
Bless The Child
Blind Chance (1987) CD1
Blind Chance (1987) CD2
Blind Spot Hitlers Secretary (2002)
Blob The 1988
Blood Wedding (1981)
Blood and Black Lace
Blow 2001 CD1
Blow 2001 CD2
Blow Dry 2001
Blown Away 1994 CD1
Blown Away 1994 CD2
Blue (Derek Jarman)
Blue Collar Comedy Tour The Movie
Blue Max The CD1
Blue Max The CD2
Blue Planet The 1
Blue Planet The 2 - The Deep
Blue Planet The 3 - Open Ocean
Blue Planet The 4 - Frozen Seas
Blue Spring 2001
Blue juice 1995
Blues Brothers The (1980) CD1
Blues Brothers The (1980) CD2
Boat Trip - Feedback Overflow
Bob Le Flambeur 1955
Bob Marley Story - Rebel Music
Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice
Bone Collector The
Bonnie and Clyde
Book of Fate The
Book of Pooh The
Boondock Saints The
Boot Das 1981 CD1
Boot Das 1981 CD2
Bourne supremacy The-1CD
Boy Who Saw The Wind The
Boys and Girls
Boyz N the Hood
Branca de Neve
Bread and Roses
Breakfast Club The
Breakfast at Tiffanys
Breakin all the rules
Bride with White Hair The
Bridge Man The CD1
Bridge Man The CD2
Broadway Danny Rose
Brother (Takeshi Kitano)
Brother Sun Sister Moon 1972
Brother from Another Planet The 1984
Brotherhood Of The Wolf
Buena Estrella La (Lucky Star)
Bugs Bunny - Baseball Bugs (1946)
Bugs Bunny - Big Top Bunny (1951)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs Bunny Gets the Boid (1942)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs Bunny and the Three Bears (1944)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs and Thugs (1954)
Bugs Bunny - Bully for Bugs (1953)
Bugs Bunny - Frigid Hare (1949)
Bugs Bunny - Hair-Raising Hare (1946)
Bugs Bunny - Haredevil Hare (1948)
Bugs Bunny - Long Haired Hare (1949)
Bugs Bunny - My Bunny Lies Over the Sea (1948)
Bugs Bunny - Rabbits Kin (1952)
Bugs Bunny - Tortoise Wins by a Hare (1943)
Bugs Bunny - Wabbit Twouble (1941)
Bugs Bunny - Water Water Every Hare (1952)
Bugs Bunny - Whats Up Doc (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck - Rabbit Fire (1951)
Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck - Rabbit Seasoning (1952)
Bugs Bunny and Elmer - Rabbit of Seville (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Taz - Devil May Hare (1954)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Ballot Box Bunny (1951)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Big House Bunny (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Bunker Hill Bunny (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - High Diving Hare (1949)
Bugs Life A
Bullet in the Head
Bulletproof Monk 2003
Bullets Over Broadway
Bully (Unrated Theatrical Edition)
Burning Paradise (Ringo Lam 1994)
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid A Special Edition
Butchers Wife The