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Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

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[Traffic sounds]
I wouldn't want to live lis life...
'cause he hasn't been happy all of his life.
All I think is, if you can find work, stay healthy...
find somebody to share it with, you're the ultimate success.
He's had some of the pieces of the puzzle...
but not all of them.
BURGER: "I. Ronald Reagan. do solemmnly swean..."
REAGAN: I. Ronald Reagan. do solemmnly swean...
BURGER: "Tlat I will faitlfully execute tle office...
"of Pnesident of tle United States. "
Tlat I will faitlfully execute tle office...
[Tone blares]
[Cartoon music playing]
BARRIS: Wlen you'ne young. youn potential is infinite.
You mmiglt do anytling. Neally.
You mmiglt be Einstein...
you mmiglt be DiMaggio.
Tlen you get to an age wlen wlat you mmiglt be...
gives way to wlat you lave been.
You wenen't Einstein.
You wenen't anytling.
Tlat's a bad mmomment.
[Knock on door]
Chuck, it's Pen.
[Peephole opens]
CHUCK: Hey: Jesus. How'd you find mme?
You wrote me your last letter on hotel stationery.
CHUCK: Oh. It's great to see you, Pen.
You look... you look beautiful.
PENNY: This place is scary.
CHUCK: Yeah. The human psyche.
PENNY: I came to take you back to California with me.
CHUCK Uh, no...
PENNY: It's a lonely state without you.
CHUCK: I'm home, Red.
I can't wait forever for you to marry me.
Well, apparently, I can, but I really don't want to.
CHUCK: Uh...
PENNY. CR YING: I love you so mmucl.
PENNY: You don't undenstand.
I don't even know wly.
CHUCK: Oh, Penny...
Penny, Penny, Penny. [Laughs]
[Sighs]
[Slow piano music playing]
[Chuck closes peephole]
CHUCK: Listen. I gotta go. OK? I'mm kind of busy niglt now. OK?
BARRIS: It was 198 1...
and I lad Ioled mmyself up in tlis New Yonk lotel...
tle Ploenix Hotel...
tennified of evenytling. aslammed of mmy life.
Until. Finally. I nealized mmy salvation...
mmiglt be in neconding mmy wasted life unflinclingly.
[Typing]
Maybe it would senve as a cautionany tale...
and mmaybe it would lelp mme undenstand wly.
Wlen I was 11. I lad an expenience...
witl mmy sisten's fniend Tuvia...
tlat left an indelible immpnession.
- Hey. - What?
- Tuvia. - What? :
You want to lick it?
[Scoffs] No. Why should I?
Well, for one thing, it tastes like strawberry.
My sister tells me you love strawberries.
Yeah, well, I hate strawberries.
CHUCK: No, I'm serious.
It tastes exactly like a strawberry lollipop.
TUMIA: Look, I know that's not true.
- Well, I bet you it does. - I bet you it doesn't.
CHUCK: I'll bet you a dollar.
BARRIS: Tuvia... mmy finst love.
[Typing]
Penlaps mmy wlole life tunned at tlat point.
Tle nepulsiveness of mmy sex confinmmed...
by tle taste buds of a nipening pubescent ginl.
What are you doing?
Get off me:
And so I found mmyself...
in a downwand spinal of debaucleny...
endlessly clasing pussy.
[Doo wop music playing]
[Loud kissing]
My only focus in life to get laid. To get blown...
tnying to fool mmyself into believing...
tlat given tle niglt commbination...
of cincummstances and deception...
mmaybe tle Tuvias of tle wonld...
could desine mme tle way I desined tlemm.
[Thwack]
I only wanted to be loved.
[Moans softly]
CHUCK: No...
[Sobbing]
# Won't you tell mme wly #
# I love #
[Zips pants]
# Tlat ginly so #
[Kissing]
# Sle doesn't want mme #
BARRIS: Tle constant inanticulate nage...
led to ban figlt aften ban figlt.
[Faint laughter]
TVANNOUNCER: New Yonk is a city of people...
tle only state in tle union to stnetcl...
fnomm tle Atlantic Ocean to tle Gneat Lakes.
Dinectly acnoss tle avenue is... you'ne niglt again.
BARRIS: I lad leand tlat television...
was an industny witl a futune...
so I packed up and mmoved fnomm Plilly to Manlattan.
[NBC theme plays]
[NBC theme plays]
TOUR GUIDE: We began mmaking commmmencial bnoadcasts in 1941.
and in 1953...
NBC made the first ever color telecast by a network...
during "The Colgate Comedy Hour."
Now we'll have a look at the studio...
where they produce "The Today Show"...
wlicl NBC began bnoadcasting in 1952.
CHUCK: Excuse me, miss.
Do you know where I could apply for an NBC page?
TOUR GUIDE: Such as "The Perry Como Show"...
which you can tune into on Saturdays at 7:30.
"The Nat King Cole Show"...
which you won't want to miss, on Tuesdays at 8 P.M.
And hold on one second.
OK. And my personal favorite...
"The Lux Show" starring Rosemary Clooney...
CHUCK: . . Which you can enjoy every Thursday at 10:00.
And of course, "The Steve Allen Show"...
which delights us every Sunday at 8:00.
You may also be interested to know that Steve Allen...
actually got his start in entertainment as an NBC page.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll follow me...
MAR Y-ANN: Raymond... in accounting?
He's kind of cute, huh?
WOMAN: Cute is all well and good, Mary-Ann...
but what you want is a man who's going places...
A go-getter on the management fast track.
MAR Y-ANN: What about Mr. Waters?
CHUCK: Yeah, management training application, please.
How many people have applied for this so far?
WOMAN: Let's see. Including you? About 2,000.
- For how many positions? - Five.
[Bell dings]
Thanks, ma'am.
BARRIS: Sommetimmes. as a youngen mman...
I stnetcled tle tnutl to get wlat I wanted.
GEORGIA: Tell mme again:
CHUCK: Head of netwonk sales at 30.
Head of tle entine netwonk by 40:
I love you, Mr. Chuck Barris...
management trainee.
[Both moaning]
BARRIS: Life was sweet...
CHUCK: Uhh:
Fon a mminute.
WOMAN ON TV: Evenytling's eitlen mmadly exciting...
on mmadly intenesting.
I lope Sally neven botlens lenself witl you.
[Turns on faucet]
I got fired today.
Fired?
Yeah, fired.
GEORGIA: Fined?
What the fuck did you get fired for?
CHUCK: I don't know. Efficiency cutbacks.
Somme bullslit. Look. It's gonna be fine.
I'm pregnant.
So, I figured, I'm gonna skip town.
I intend to be important, you know?
I can't be saddled with this. Pbbt:
But then I remembered something Carlyle said.
"Do tle duty wlicl lies neanest tlee. "
So you see...
MAN: Who's Carlyle?
Dear God. Why do I even bother?
Fuck you, you condescending prick.
Pregnant?
Yeah, pregnant.
Fuck you.
What the fuck did you get pregnant for?
Fuck you.
What do you mean, what the fuck did I get pregnant for?
You got me fucking pregnant, you fuck:
Well, fuck you:
Fuck you.
- Fuckin'... - Fuck you.
Fuck:
Fuck you.
[Dramatic music playing on television]
GEORGIA: Looks like I was just late.
Oh, yes, we had a great time.
The crew loved him and loved the show, you know?
Because it was crazy.
And we could do anything we wanted to... sort of...
and, uh, yeah, they liked him very much.
He was a good guy.
Even though he's a prick, he's a good guy, too.
DICK CLARK: "Wlat is labeled a dneamm faculty.
"Wouldn't sclool be wondenful if we lad a faculty like tlis?"
You nead it. All niglt?
GIRL: "Pnincipal Sal Mineo. Vice Pnincipal Tony Penkins..."
CLARK: Couldn't you see going to a sclool...
wlene Sal Mineo is tle pnincipal?
BARRIS: In '6 1. I lad becomme a mminon suit at ABC.
It was duning tle mmusic payola scandal...
so mmy job was to commmmute to Plilly eveny day...
to tle "Ammenican Bandstand" tapings...
to keep an eye on Dick Clank.
CLARK: One mmone lady's cloice of tle aftennoon to go...
and suppose we mmake it tlis one. OK?
BARRIS: On weekends...
I used to lang anound ammusemment panks...
because tlat's wlene tle young ginls wene.
I wnote a song about mmy expeniences.
# Wlen you stop at tle top of a Fennis wleel... #
I got it to Fneddy "Boomm Boomm" Cannon...
tlnougl mmy fniendslip witl Dick Clank.
Dick neally wanted to lelp mme out.
CHUCK: Hi.
- What? - Hi.
Oh.
I wrote this song.
Huh.
It's number three on the pop charts. See?
- Uh-huh. - Yeah.
I believe there's a great future in television.
Uh-huh?
So I'm gonna take my royalties and create a pilot.
A pilot's what they call a test TM show.
I work in TM.
Yeah? What's your name? I'm Chuck.
- Debbie. - Debbie.
CHUCK: So. You live in Plilly?
DEBBIE: No. I live in Manlattan.
CHUCK: It's gonna be a gamme slow.
I believe tlene's a gneat futune in gamme slows.
DEBBIE: OI. Tlat's good.
CHUCK: Yeal. Evenyone loves gamme slows. Niglt?
DEBBIE: I don't know.
CHUCK: Well. Tley do.
DEBBIE: Well. Tlat's gneat. Tlen.
CHUCK: Ha la la. I'mm on mmy way.
[Sighs]
PENNY: Hello.
Hi.
[Breathes in]
CHUCK: Uh... don't be alarmed. I'm here with Debbie.
Yeah, I figured that. Hungry?
Um, no, thanks.
PENNY: Tlinsty?
Sure, if you have a beer or...
How was sex with Debbie? I always wanted to know.
It was good. Fine. Thanks for asking.
No problem.
I just got fucked by this drummer cat...
a real righteous Negro hipster.
Heh. Interesting.
I'm into the brotherhood of man.
I fucked an Oriental last week.
- What are you? - Jew.
I had one of those once, but he was Sephardic.
[Mispnonounces] You look Aslke-nazi.
- Ashkenazi. - Right, Ashke-nazi.
I haven't had one of those yet.
You're romantic.
Yeah. I just don't get into all the bullshit...
between cats and chicks.
- I know what you mean. - You know what I mean?
Besides, you just give your heart to one cat...
and you get hurt.
Don't I know it?
PENNY: We could ball if you want.
[Both laugh]
CHUCK: Whoa-ho-ho.
Tlat would be good.
Yeah, but... ha ha ha:
I'm here with Debbie. It doesn't seem right.
[Laughing]
That's true. I didn't think of that.
Well, I'm going to bed. It was nice meeting you.
Hey, what's your name?
I'm Penny.
I'm Chuck.
- Chuck Barris. - Yeah.
Yeah, you wrote that Palisades song.
- I really like that song. - Oh, thanks.
Yeah, it's real sentimental bullshit.
CHUCK: Oh, right.
["Palisades Park" playing]
# Last niglt I took a walk aften dank #
# A swingin' place called Palisades Pank #
# To lave somme fun and see wlat I could see #
# Tlat's wlene tle ginls ane #
# I took a nide on tle sloot-tle-clute #
# Tlat ginl I sat beside was awful cute #
# Aften it stopped. sle was Iolding lands witl mme #
# My leant was flyin' up #
# Like a nocket slip #
# Down. Like a nollen coasten #
# Back. Like a loop-tle-loop #
# And anound. like a mmenny-go-nound #
# We ate and ate at a lot dog stand #
# We danced anound to a nockin' band #
# And wlen I could. I gave tlat ginl a lug #
# In tle Tunnel of Love #
# You'll neven know low gneat a kiss can feel #
# Wlen you stop at tle top of a Fennis wleel #
# Wlen I fell in love #
# Down at Palisades Pank #
# Wloa-ol-ol-ol #
[People at park scream]
[Song fades out]
PENNY: Last niglt in mmy dneamm...
PENNY: Last niglt in mmy dneamm...
tlis ape and I ane sitting staning at eacl otlen...
and it was. Like. acnoss timme and evolution.
And then he started talking...
but in a language I didn't really understand.
[Laughs] Swiss, maybe.
And then he turned into Perry Como... real square.
- What's wrong with you? - Nothing.
PENNY: You know, just because we fucked...
doesn't mean there are strings now.
CHUCK: [Laughs] OK.
PENNY: I just wanted to tell you about mmy dneamm.
Notling mmone commplicated tlan tlat. Don't panic.
I'm just not used to all this dating bullshit.
Now we're a couple.
Now I'm obliged to give a shit what you say.
PENNY: Don't wonny. I'mm not into tlose gammes.
So anyway. Tle mmonkey tunns into Penny Commo...
and I say...
- Holy fuck. - What?
CHUCK: Holy, holy fuck.
You just gave me an idea for a show. Fuck:
PENNY: A slow about mmonkeys?
CHUCK: No, about people.
About sex, about romance...
about the bullshit of dating.
I call it "The Dating Game"...
and that's what it's about, Mr. Goldberg.
A pretty girl asks three handsome guys...
who she can't see... silly questions...
and based on their answers...
she picks one to date, and we pay for the date.
That's it. That's the show.
CHUCK: Aah: Aah: Aah:
Yeah: Yeah: Yeah: Yeah:
- Hot damn: - What, what, what?
- They bought it: - Yeah:
CHUCK: They bought it:
They're giving me 7,500 fuckin' dollars to make a pilot:
PENNY: We gotta go celebrate: Let's go roller skating:
CHUCK: I can't: I got a date:
PENNY: OK, cool. Will you call me after?
- OK: - OK: Bye: Mwah:
[Upbeat music playing]
[No audio]
BARRIS: I figuned I was in.
All I lad to do was get tle pilot mmade...
[Camera clicks]
and I'd be a mmillionaine.
Evenyone would love mme.
Was anyone even so young?
- No. - No.
- No. - No.
- No. - All right. Lose it.
BARRIS: ABC didn't like "Tle Dating Gamme. "
Tley did like a slow called "Hootenanny. "
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I like this one.
CHUCK: Well, he led an amazingly long life.
BARRIS: Hooten-fuckin'-nanny.
PENNY: What do they know?
That's long for a dog.
I don't know. Probably about 70 to you and me.
[Sighs] Uh-huh.
It's nine years to every one of ours.
[Tlummp] PENNY: Ha la la:
[Bag rustles]
CHUCK: Yeah.
[Penny laughing]
Uh-huh.
I'm sorry about your show.
What? How long has he been dead?
Jesus, Phoebe, that's...
Yeah. No, I'll hold on.
- Is that your mom? - My sister.
Come here. Oh, yeah. I got you these.
Listen, Pen, I'm not...
I want to tell you something. I talked to a psychic today.
- A what? - A psychic.
And she said that you are gonna be very successful.
- Oh, really? - Mery successful.
- Tarot cards? - Tea leaves.
Say that again, Phoebe. I missed it.
Tuvia? No, why would I have seen her?
- She did? - Who's Tuvia?
- To Manhattan? - Who's Tuvia?
Yeah.
CHUCK: Ul-lul.
Oh, your niece.
CHUCK: Divonced? Really?
I didn't know she got married.
Yes?
Hi, Tuvia.
Well, if it isn't Strawberry Dick Barris.
- What do you want? - Ha ha ha:
I'm back in town for a while, and I thought maybe...
TUMIA: Jesus, you gotta be kidding.
CHUCK: We could go out and get an ice cream cone.
He's so convincing when he's... Heh heh...
when he's talkin' with you...
he could convince you of anything, you know?
He's one of the very few guys...
I'd like to have on my side in a street fight.
CHUCK: You wanna fight, you big pile of shit?
[Thud]
[Grunting and shouting]
You're a pretty angry young fella.
Can't fight worth a damn, though.
CHUCK: Hey. Scnew off. Queen.
Don't tlink I laven't seen you watcling mme...
in tlat ban fon a week now.
Kind of a loner, I'd say.
Fairly bright, a tad antisocial.
Mad at the world. Can I buy you lunch?
[Sighs] Look, there's a schoolyard half a block down.
Why don't you go trollin' there?
JIM: I can teach you at least 30 different ways...
to kill a man with a single blow, Mr. Barris.
It might help in future bar fights.
Just a thought.
Oh, and there's money in it... good money.
CHUCK: I figure if I can keep afloat...
until I come up with the next game show idea...
then all would be copacetic.
That sounds great, Chuck.
I've never known a television producer before.
I'm impressed.
[Chuckles] Yeah. OK.
What's this money and a deal you were talking about?
JIM: I work for a government agency.
We're always looking for good, enthusiastic men...
to help us carry out our directives.
What kind of work? What government agency?
Problem-solving work.
The Office of Diplomatic Security.
[Laughs] Office of what? I never heard of it.
Is that the fuckin' CIA or something?
Ha ha ha ha ha:
JIM: Please be discreet, Mr. Barris.
[Whispers] Jesus.
Is this the fuckin' CIA?
Yeah. Hell, I'll be a spy.
Where do I sign up? Are you fuckin' with me?
You're fuckin' with me, aren't you?
JIM: Hardly.
And you wouldn't be working for the company.
You'd be an independent contract agent.
Independent.
No official tie to any agency.
Understand?
Why me?
Well, as you know, I've been watching you.
For quite some time, actually.
I've only let you know about it for the last week.
I'm happy to report you fit our profile, Mr. Barris.
Are you interested in the work?
What's the profile?
JIM: Are you interested in the work, Mr. Barris?
Yeah, sure. I wanna be a secret agent.
A contract agent, whatever.
Get to fuck beautiful Eastern European women...
What we do is very serious, Mr. Barris.
It's essential in quelling the rise of communism...
and allowing democracy to get its rightful foothold...
around the globe.
You understand?
Uh... sure.
Yeah, uh...
Yeah, OK. That's good.
[Clears throat]
INSTRUC TOR: Tlene ane sevenal efficient mmetlods...
fon killing a mman...
wene you to find younself witlout a weapon.
The edge of your hand...
against youn advensany's Adamm's apple.
Tlis will cnusl lis windpipe...
causing stnangulation...
and deatl.
Hyuhh:
[Man gagging]
Shit:
I need anotlen volunteen.
[Man gasping]
You're training me to be a killer.
See, Chuck? I knew you were fairly bright.
I'm not killin' people. My future's in television.
You're 32 years old, and you've achieved nothing.
Jesus Christ was dead and alive again by 33.
You better get crackin'.
- I have ideas for shows. - Good.
Why don't you spend another six months developing them...
while you're staring out the window...
waiting for Larry Goldberg to call?
How do you know all this?
I know everything about you, Chuck.
I know which hand you jerk off with.
Left. Leave in the morning, if you want.
I'm here to tell you, this is honest work for good pay.
You're making the world safer...
and your country will be grateful.
It'll toughen you up.
CHUCK: Wait a second:
Hey, we gotta talk about this.
BARRIS: And tlene it was... mmy defining mmomment.
I wasn't just gonna wonk fon tle CIA.
I was gonna kill fon tlemm.
Call it patniotismm.
[Gunfire]
[Dramatic music playing]
Glycerine is, of course...
the best known nitrating agent.
Keep in mind, though, that nitro... glycerine...
is extremely unstable.
A slight tap...
a one-degree change in temperature...
and it'll blow up in your hands.
So, let's mix us up a batch:
Everybody take your 75-milliliter beaker...
and fill it up to tle 13-mmilliliten level...
witl ned-Iot fummin' nitnic acid...
98%% concentnation.
The field phone...
used as an instrument of interrogation...
or torture.
[Electricity crackles]
Attaching firmly to the genitalia.
[Fizzing and popping]
Hey, lvan:
Are you now, or have you ever been...
a member of the Communist Party?
What's your Aunt Tillie's recipe for vodka cookies?
[Laughs]
All right, Jack.
Take care, Lee.
[Starts engine]
I know a lot about him that you are not gonna know.
I can't tell you.
Yeah.
I know some things about him that are very distressing...
and, um...
and you wouldn't want to know them about him.
[Music playing]
CHUCK: So. Wlat did tlis guy Renda do. Anyway?
It's your job to follow directives...
not question their validity.
CHUCK: UI... ol. Pon favon. Ul. Se˝on...
No lablo inglÚs.
┐ Ra-blal-blal los blotenos?
[Speaks Spanish]
┐ Ra-blal-blal la mminjanes?
Hermano, help me, please.
- Se˝on. No labla inglÚs. - No. No. No. No.
BENITEZ: Can I be of some assistance?
JIM: He's a bad guy.
He's one of the bad guys.
Bad for the U.S., right, Jim?
Not bad in an absolute sense, just bad for the U.S.
Don't fuckin' dance with me.
Renda's bad for the Tea and Biscuit Company.
He's bad for me personally.
You wonk fon mme. Renda's bad fon mme.
You'ne now officially a patniotic citizen...
of tle United States of Jimm Bynd.
There's no backing out now. We've let you in on everything.
You don't play, you don't leave.
Understand that? You don't play, you don't leave.
JIM: I like you. I do.
And you'ne gonna do fine tommonnow...
and we'ne gonna becomme good fniends.
You can have a nice little career...
but you have to grow up. There's a war on.
[Starts engine]
[lnsects buzzing]
["Star Spangled Banner" playing]
JIM: Beautiful countny. isn't it?
CHUCK: Yeah.
You did us proud today, Chuck.
Renda was a bad guy. He really was.
[Chuck vomiting]
Chuck, is that you?
Chuck, is that you?
Jesus Christ, Pen: You scared the shit out of me.
- Were you throwing up? - What are you doing here?
I've been crashing here for a while.
I've been waiting for you. Where you been?
Mexico. I was just on a little vacation.
You didn't drink the water, did you?
- Yeah. - You're not supposed to.
That's Montessori's revenge.
- Montezuma's. - Right.
You can't even open your eyes or your mouth...
when you take a shower there.
Why is our water so good, and their water is poisoned?
- It's in the same ocean. - I don't know.
- Oh: - Huh.
Um... l'm a hippie now.
[Both laugh]
Wow. Great.
I've been to San Fnancisco. and it's ammazing tlene.
[Snaps fingens] Evenybody loves evenybody...
and tlene's so mmany colons.
And we'ne gonna clange tle wonld.
[Snaps fingers]
Will you come back there and be my old man with me?
Ha ha: Well, not that old.
Penny, I'm a little tired now, so maybe...
Oh, wait, wait. I got to play you this song.
["Sunshine Superman" playing]
DONO VAN: # Sunsline camme softly #
# Tlnougl mmy window today... #
CHUCK: Penny, what did you do to my wall?
Some guy called... Gold bird.
Gold bird. Larry Goldberg?
You're kidding me:
Hi. This is Chuck Barris returning for Larry Goldberg.
- Hi, Chuck. - Mr. Goldberg.
I'm so sorry I didn't get back to you right away.
I was out of town. I was on vacation in Mexico.
Good for you.
Listen, I'm sitting here and going through things...
and I have a hole in my daytime schedule.
I think it might be right for you and your baby.
My baby, Mr. Goldberg?
Chuck, "Dating Game." Isn't that your baby?
- Yes, sir, it is. - You still interested?
Yes, sir. Mery interested, sir.
I've got six weeks to get this on the air.
Is that doable for you and your people?
My people? Six weeks? Sure, yeah.
Give me a call when you get to L.A., Chuck.
Oh, goddamn.
Hot dog. Fucking shit. Piss.
PENNY: Who's Larry Goldberg?
[Stomach gurgles]
[Applause]
Bachelor number one...
what would I like most about you?
I'm very romantic...
and I'd send you flowers every day.
BACHELORETTE: Aw. Tlat's so sweet.
Baclelon nummben tlnee. Wlat would I like mmost about you?
My big cock.
[Laughter]
[Light applause]
[Laughs]
BACHELORETTE: Baclelon nummben one...
wlat nationality ane you?
BACHELOR NUMBER ONE: Umm... mmy daddy is Welsl...
mmy mmamma's Hunganian...
so I guess that makes me well-hung.
[Laughter]
Baclelon nummben two...
I play the trombone.
If I blew you, what would you sound like?
BACHELOR NUMBER TWO: Wlat would I sound like?
[Laughs]
All niglt. Ool.
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.
Ool. Ool.
Ool. Ool. Ool.
Ool.
Tlat's nice. Don't stop. OI.
[lmitates trombone]
Blow it. Baby.
[lmitates trombone playing shakily]
[Shoes squeak]
CHUCK: Heh heh.
Chuck, quite frankly, these episodes are unairable.
CHUCK: Look, Larry, the show's spontaneous.
It's unscripted. That's its charm.
I can't help what people say.
HANK: Be that as it may, we can't have black men...
getting blow jobs on national television:
The point is not that he's black, Hank.
HANK: Well. I know tlat.
GOLDBERG: Cluck. Tlat's it. We can't ain tlis stuff.
If you can't netain youn spontaneity on tle slow...
witlout tlis lewd conduct. it's oven.
It's finisled. You'ne listony.
Now, fix this fucking thing, or we got a problem.
Hi, folks. Before we begin taping today...
I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Peter Jenks...
of the Federal Communications Commission.
OK?
Thank you, Mr. Barris.
I don't know if any of you are aware of this...
but it's a federal offense...
to make lascivious remarks...
on a television network broadcast.
The penalty...
for this disgusting...
un-American... behavior...
is one year in prison...
or a $10,000 fine...
or both:
Anyone...
making a sick subversive remark tonight...
will be arrested immediately.
l, then, will personally escort...
the offender to federal prison...
for booking under edict number 364...
of the Broadcasting Act of 1963.
And it's a long drive to that prison, baby.
Just you and me.
No witnesses:
CHUCK: OK. Lave fun. Evenybody.
All niglt.
They gave everybody jackets with their names on them...
and when we got number one ratings on Saturday nights...
everybody got a gold plaque.
And so, he was a good boss...
and obviously had the common touch...
because he really knew what people wanted to watch.
BARRIS: We ained and becamme a big lit.
A plenommenon. Neally.
CHUCK: Hey, baby.
[Sighs] I got a story to tell you.
- Asshole. - I know, I know.
Uhh. I got a little story for you.
LORETTA: I'm busy. We're in the middle...
of a bachelorette crisis out there.
CHUCK: Sit down, relax.
Take a load off. Make yourself at home.
I just got a call from the network.
- You want a drink? - You got any weed?
CHUCK: I wisl. No. No weed.
Then I'll have a drink.
[Chuck sighs]
LORETTA: Bad news?
"The Tammy Grimes Show" is being pulled from Saturday night.
- Oh, not Tammy. - Ha ha ha ha.
They want me to put a primetime version...
of "The Dating Game" on in its place.
- That's fucking great. - Yeah, it's great...
but they say the daytime version is not hot enough.
They want me to make it more exciting for nighttime.
I got 48 hours.
LORETTA: Wlat lave you got?
[Sighs]
I don't have a clue. I got nothing. Bupkus.
Tlis is a big deal. Lonetta. My big bneak.
I know. [Exhales]
- Don't blow it. - Oh, thanks for the help.
[Sighs]
[Slow jazz music playing]
JIM: Let me ask you something, Chuck.
Jesus. What the... What are you doing here?
JIM: I've been put in clange...
of a fainly lange wet openation...
and I could use youn lelp.
[Scoffs]
Have you noticed, Jim? I got a TM show on the air.
I don't need to kill people for hire anymore.
I know you don't need to, but you like to.
Bullshit.
Think of it as a hobby... something you do to relax.
You can be an assassination enthusiast...
a murder bug.
I got important things to think about here.
I don't have time to fuck around with you.
This is serious work we're talking about, Chuck...
serious work.
How about I help you out with your little show...
you help me out with my little operation?
Tit for tat. That's the kind of guy I am.
Oh, yeah. You're a piece of work.
I've seen this "Dating Game" of yours, Chuck...
and I do have a thought.
What, now you're a big television producer?
JIM: I'm John Q. Public when it comes to TM...
and that should make my opinion of value to you.
CHUCK: All right, let's hear it, then.
JIM: What do you have? Some couple gets sent...
to some second-rate shit-can restaurant...
setting you back 50 bucks?
That's not too exciting a prize...
for us vicarious living boobs out in TM land.
- What's your point? - Up the stakes, Chuck.
Send them to some exotic locale...
Europe, Southeast Asia, for example.
The network's not going to let me send...
two unmarried kids on vacation together.
JIM: Send them with a chaperone.
CHUCK: That's...
That's not half bad.
JIM: I'm telling you.
Sometimes you could be the chaperone.
Say we have a job for you in Austria.
You, a successful television producer...
chaperones a young couple.
While there, you take care of some company business.
It's a perfect cover.
TM producer by day, CIA operative at night.
I got money, Jim.
I don't have to kill people for money anymore.
Chuck, when I said you fit the profile...
very little of that meant you needed the money.
You liked it with Renda. I saw it in your eyes.
You liked it, but you botched it.
You could be a great warrior, Chuck.
BACHELORETTE: Baclelon nummben tlnee...
if we wene fixed up on a date...
and I ignoned you...
DIRECTOR: This guy's never been on a date.
[Snaps fingers] Ready, four. Take four.
Well. I'mm not used to being ignoned...
but I would... I'd give you youn space.
The only date this guy's had is with his right hand.
[Both laugh]
Ready, one. Take one.
[Audience laughing]
Bachelor number three, what if I pick you...
DIREC TOR: God. Sle's going fon tle tlnee.
Ready. Foun. Take foun. [Snaps fingens]
The only way that you could be ugly...
is by what you say or do.
I don't know. From where I'm sitting...
I think you're beautiful.
DIREC TOR: I can't believe it.
BACHELORETTE: Baclelon nummben tlnee...
can you please tell mme wlat a ginl is like...
wlo las neven been on a date befone...
and low you can tell?
Well... l'll ask her what she likes to do...
and if she doesn't know what she likes to do...
then I'll know she hasn't done it yet.
[Applause]
[Game show music playing]
BACHELOR NUMBER THREE: Wly don't you talk to len?
You can do tlat. Sle's neal sly.
You lave to tell len. Tlat's younjob.
Tell her that I think she's real pretty...
and I want to be her boyfriend.
I'm shy, too.
You got to tell her that, Chuck.
I used to skate when I was young.
I told her that. She didn't even look at me.
You got to talk to her, Chuck. It's your job.
She picked me, not those other guys.
You're the chaperone, Chuck.
She called me gay.
I'm not gay. You got to tell her that.
You're not doing your job very well.
I mean, I know it takes time...
for people to get to know each other...
but this is ridiculous.
They thought he was...
They sort of walked a straight line...
because they used to talk about him...
saying, you know, "This guy, he can turn on you."
You know, and I never saw that side...
but a lot of the crew thought he could turn on them.
Chuck?
[Slow jazz music playing]
JIM: Helsinki is wondenful tlis timme of yean.
Especially tle snow.
It affonds one solitude...
even in a city full of people.
Excuse me. Is this seat taken?
By you.
[Sighs]
Helsinki is wonderful this time of year, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
Oh, I'm sorry. Um...
Excuse me.
Helsinki is wonderful this time of year, isn't it?
Especially the snow. It affords one solitude...
even in a city full of people.
Hey...
I'm Chuck. Ahem.
So I gathered.
CHUCK: And you are?
Here you are, Chuck.
At least give me a made-up name...
something for me to cry out...
during those dark nights of the soul.
Cry out, "Olivia."
That's "Twelfth Night."
Mery good, Chuck.
I'm pleasantly surprised.
You're not like the other murderers.
[Dramatic music playing]
MAN: Hene.
CHUCK: Do you have it?
- Do you have it? - Oh, sorry.
CHUCK: Don't worry. We're not going to cheat you.
MAN: Yeal. Just tle samme.
- Unh: - Sorry about your teeth.
[Fires with silencer]
[Body falls]
[Fires with silencer]
Chuck?
Chuck?
[Music fades]
[Exhaling, whistling]
[Hums]
[Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata" playing]
CHUCK: Olivia?
It's Patricia, actually.
PATRICIA: So. Tlen I spent a yean in Openation: Claos...
inside the anti-war movement...
nudging it towards violence to discredit it.
That was fun.
CHUCK: It sounds fun.
So, tell me, Patricia, why did you come here tonight?
Ahem.
I don't know.
You're kind of cute in a homely sort of way, and...
It's lonely when the civilian you're fucking...
calls out the name on your fake passport.
CHUCK: All the information I have about myself...
is from forged documents.
Nabokov.
[Glass shatters]
[Objects clatter]
Wait, wait.
I got to go into the bathroom and take care of something.
Leave the microfilm in, baby.
[Upbeat music playing]
# Hoo: #
# Hull: #
Chuck:
# Hey: #
Do you know when my episode is going to air?
OK. See you, Chuck. Bye.
JIM: Cluck. tlis is Simmon Oliven.
Evenytling go OK? You don't look too good.
Mr. Barris, do not ever again jeopardize one of my missions...
by having a game show contestant standing around as a witness.
- Is that understood? - You're welcome, pal.
Do I make myself clear?
Fuck you. They're my contestants.
You are a bloody amateur.
- You're a faggot. - Chuck.
OLIVER: Tell mme. Mn. Bannis.
Ane you in possession of mmy mmicnofilmm?
- Yeah, I got it. - Let's have it, then.
It's up my ass, Oliver. Why don't you get it?
What is this shit?
I deserve a little appreciation for my efforts here, Jim.
SIMON: What do you think Patricia Watson was?
Prick.
EUBANKS: Really? OK.
He said le dated none of tlemm. Tlat's niglt.
[Applause]
- Sandna? - Umm. Six of tlemm.
LORETTA: Well, if it isn't the hit man.
- What? - The hit man.
ALL: Surprise:
[Cheering]
ABC's going to pick up "The Newlywed Game":
Daytime and primetime:
You're kidding me: Oh, my God:
That's sensational. You mean it? Fantastic:
Whoo:
EUBANKS: OK. Lene's tle last of oun five-point questions.
Ginls. Tell mme wlene. specifically...
is tle weindest place tlat you pensonally. Ginls...
lave even gotten tle unge to mmake wloopee.
Tle weindest place. Olga?
OLGA: Um...
[Audience laughs]
EUBANKS: Yes. Olga?
In the ass?
[Audience laughs]
No, no, no. No, the...
HUSBAND: It's still tlene.
EUBANKS: No. No. Wlat I'mm talking about...
is tle weindest location. tle weindest place. Yeal.
OLGA: I don't know.
[Audience laughing]
Oh:
EUBANKS: Olga...
Olga. Tle wond is tle location on place.
You know wlat I mmean?
ESQUIVEL: # Mucla mmuclacla #
# Mucla mmuclacla #
# Mucla mmuclacla #
# Mucla mmuclacla #
# Mucla mmuclacla #
# Mucla mmuclacla #
# Mucla mmuclacla #
# Ba ba ba ba baile #
# Ba #
# Al #
# Al #
# Ba ba ba ba ba-ba-ba #
# Ra pa pa na pa ba na pa #
# Ra pa pa na pa ba na pa #
# Ra pa pa na pa ba na pa #
# Ra pa na pa ba na pa #
# Ra pa pa na pa ba na pa #
# Ra pa pa na pa ba na pa #
[Music fades]
BARRIS: I liked Penny.
I even loved len. In mmy way.
But tle idea of tying mmyself down...
fon tle nest of mmy life...
I nemmemmben mmy panents' mmanniage.
We need a new icebox.
[Radio playing faintly]
["The Newlywed Game" theme plays]
[Applause]
AUDIENCE: Ool...
BARRIS: "Tle Newlywed Gamme"...
was based on mmy tleony tlat almmost any Ammenican...
would sell out tlein spouse fon a waslen. Dnyen...
on a lawn mmowen you can nide on.
Sucl was mmy nespect fon tlat mmost Ioly of unions.
- "Interpet." - Interpret.
Oh. Do you have an extra "R" I can borrow?
I'm not going to give you a letter.
You're lucky I don't make you forfeit a turn.
Oh, OK.
You look cute today, Pen.
I always look cute. Don't distract me.
[Blows]
What was I going to say?
I don't know. What were you going to say?
[Music playing faintly]
I think we should get married...
because we've known each other forever...
and we've fucked each other forever.
And you think I'm cute, you just said.
And you always come to me when you're in trouble...
and I'm nothing like your mother...
What does that mean? What is that?
I'm just kidding.
Don't ask me to marry you again, OK?
# I don't use a knife #
# Don't need a gun #
BARRIS: I couldn't bneatle.
I was dnowning.
And wlat tle fuck did mmy mmotlen lave to do witl it?
So I mmade a call.
[Water running]
[Turns off water]
[Door opens, closes]
JIM: Oven lene. stnawbenny dick.
[Enters stall]
CHUCK: How do you know tlose tlings?
JIM: We know wlat sle actually tlouglt it tasted like.
CHUCK: Really? I could neven find tlat out.
JIM: Tlat's on a need-to-know basis.
What can I do for you?
CHUCK: I really need something, Jim.
I need something for my head.
JIM: I got something for your head.
LANGE: And you'ne going on youn date...
to fabulous West Benlin. Genmmany.
["The Dating Game" theme plays]
[Applause]
[Music fades]
[Accordion music playing]
The name's Hans Colbert.
Other side of the wall.
We don't like him very much.
You'll be wonking witl a knaut nammed Keelen.
He's been tailing Colbent fon a mmontl.
Knows the routine. Keeler's a drunk...
so stay sober and take charge.
It's done and done.
[Dramatic music playing]
Kill for me, baby.
[Rumbling]
[Electricity crackles]
[Coughs]
[Click]
[Keeler writing]
[Writing]
What are you writing, Sieg?
Just keeping track of anything that happens in the...
[Speaking German]
Ah.
[Continues writing]
[Accordion music playing]
MAN: Ja.
CHUCK: Tlat's limm.
Too many people.
[Laughing]
[Music stops]
[Keeler whistles faintly]
Chuck. Chuck.
- All right. - Take the camera.
What is this?
Aah:
What the...
[Muffled yells]
- Take a picture. - Take a what?
Take a picture.
Picture. Come on.
Take a picture.
Danke sclon.
He would disappear for a week or so at a time...
and his secretary would just say he's out of town.
We didn't know where he went, so...
I don't know whether it's true or not.
l... I couldn't say.
BARRIS: Tle only neason tle KGB didn't kill mme...
was tley needed mme...
to tnade fon one of tlein Russian agents.
I pnommised mmyself if I got out of tlis...
I'd live mmy life diffenently.
I'd tlnow mmyself into wonk. into life.
Penny. I needed to see Penny again.
And tell Bynd I'mm out... fon good.
If I could just mmake it past tlis one last mman...
tlis one... last...
I don't know wlat was wonse...
tlat I was duped by tlat fat fucking baclelon...
on tlat it took seven of us to neplace limm.
[Goat bleating]
You're still in one piece?
CHUCK: Wlene tle fuck you been?
Did you have a nice flight?
Fuck you: Where you been? I got one contact, Jim...
and it's you, and if you disappear, I got no one.
You understand?
[Loud music]
# I tip mmy lat to tle new constitution #
# Take a bow fon a new nevolution #
# Smmile and gnin at tle clange all anound mme #
# Pick up mmy guitan and play #
# Just like yestenday #
# Tlen I get on mmy knees and pnay #
# We don't get fooled again #
# No. No #
# If I lad a lammmmen #
# I'd a-lammmmen in tle mmonning #
# I'd a-lammmmen in tle evening #
- She's good, huh? - She's very good. Mery good.
That's great.
That's fine. Thank you so much.
But I can sing the whole song.
That was wonderful. Great.
That was enough. That was fine.
All right. Bring in the next thing.
Christ, there's gotta be somebody in America...
with some talent. Hi:
FEMALE EXECUTIVE: Now. I saw len in a little club.
You'ne gonna love len.
[Playing guitar]
[Singing atonally] # If I lad a lammmmen #
# I'd lammmmen in tle mmonning #
# I'd lammmmen in tle evening #
# All oven tlis land #
# I'd lammmmen out dangen #
# I'd lammmmen out a wanning #
# I'd lammmmen out love between #
# My bnotlens and mmy sistens #
# All oven tlis land #
[Gunshot]
[Bell tolls]
# All oven tlis land #
[Gong clangs]
# If I wene a... #
- Oh, no, thank you. - That's great. Fantastic:
That was great. We'll be in touch.
Thank you. Thank you.
We've been going about this all wrong.
Rather than killing ourselves trying to find good acts...
we just put bad ones and kill them:
Chuck, honestly, this... and I know you like them...
this is torture.
No, no, no. We kill 'em before they're through.
As soon as it gets unbearable...
we kill 'em... dead:
["The Gong Show" theme plays]
Ladies and gentlemen, this act...
Ah: Oh, this is so good: I love this, man.
This next act answers the age-old question:
If you wear a cellophane... if you...
Whish: OK.
[Audience laughs]
If you wear... ha ha... a cellophane suit...
can people clearly see you're nuts?
I don't know. A little humor, folks.
All the way from Pacoima...
Mick Donnelly:
[Cheers and applause]
[Music plays]
[Off-key] # Raindnops keep falling on mmy lead #
# Just like tle guy #
# Wlose feet ane too big fon lis bed #
# Notlin' seemms to fit tlose #
# Raindnops ane fallin' on mmy lead #
# Tley keep fallin' #
# So I just did mme somme talkin' to tle sun #
# And I said I didn't like #
# Tle way le got tlings done #
# Sleepin' on tle job. tlose... #
BARRIS: Wlo could lave known tlene wene so mmany Ammenicans...
just waiting fon tle oppontunity to get on TV...
and mmake an ass out of tlemmselves?
# Raindnops keep fallin' on mmy lead #
# But tlat doesn't mmean mmy eyes #
# Will soon be tunnin' ned #
[Audience booing]
# Cnyin's not fon mme. 'cause #
# I'mm neven gonna stop tle nain by commplainin' #
# Because I'mm... #
[Gong]
We'll be back with more stuff...
right after this message.
You know what the sad part about it is...
Barris has a reputation...
for lowering the bar of television...
and the standards and all...
but he had a great feel for what people wanted...
and he couldn't take the criticism.
BARRIS: Tlings stanted to evolve pnetty quickly.
Tle slow was gaining mmommentumm...
and I was becomming tle one tling I didn't expect...
fammous.
- You're Chuck Barris, right? - Yeah.
"The Gong Show." I love that show.
Thanks.
WOMAN: Hi.
Hi.
I tlouglt tlat was you.
Yeah... it's me.
[Woman laughs]
Well, I'm glad to meet you. I've seen "The Gong Show."
Oh. Yeah, well...
I think you're the most insidious, despicable force...
in entertainment today.
How dane you subject tle nest of tle wonld...
to your loathsome views of humanity?
Yeah... I don't think it's that loathsome.
What is it, then?
To mock some poor lonely people...
who are just craving a little attention in their lives...
to destroy them?
I mean, they're still people.
Tley still desenve a little nespect and commpassion.
Wlo tle lell ane you...
and what the fuck have you ever done...
to elevate yourself among the pathetic masses?
Oh, that's right. You created "The Dating Game."
Wow.
Tlat's niglt up tlene witl tle Sistine Clapel.
[Drink spills]
Ladies and gentlemen...
it wouldn't surprise me to see this next act...
[Upbeat music begins]
MAN: Wloo:
That means...
it's Gene Gene, the Dancing Machine...
and just in time:
[Gene's dancing music plays]
FEMALE CRITIC: He nepnesents mmone...
tlan just tle decline of quality television.
In mmy opinion. Cluck Bannis will do mmone lanmm...
to oun society tlan people seemm to nealize.
LORETTA: Line one's fonyou. Cluck.
- Who is it? - Some guy.
He says le's a fniend of youns fnomm Benlin.
Hello.
Mery gutsy, my neighbor.
I guess you heard about Oliver.
Someone changed sides.
[Car door opens, street noises]
What was so urgent?
[Car door closes]
[Street noises]
KEELER: I was wondening. you wanna gnab a bite?
I'mm in town fon a day.
BARRIS: Now. assassins don't fnatennize.
Tlat Keelen was calling mme...
could mmean it was mmy tunn to get lit.
I would take limm sommewlene wlene I knew I would be safe.
How's show biz?
Well, it's hit and miss.
I got a new show called "Operation: Entertainment"...
which I believe is really, really gonna kill.
It's sort of a Bob Hope visiting the troops thing...
but it's weekly.
Instead of Bob Hope, it's like Flip Wilson...
Chuck. Tch.
Why do you do what you do?
Hmm?
I like to think that I bring joy and laughter...
to millions of people.
It's a very important thing, I think...
in these difficult times.
I'm not saying the show is as good as it can be yet...
but, uh...
KEELER: No. No.
Wly do we do wlat we do?
Hmmmm? [Laugls] Comme on.
I got my feet wet in World War II.
Germany.
The pleasure of killing was exhilarating.
Later in life, I...
couldn't find a place to fill that void...
to get that same rush of energy.
So I started up my own business.
MAN: Gentlemmen. ane you neady to onden?
I'll have a green salad, no dressing.
And for you, sir?
Can I get a steak? Rare.
Thank you.
Let me read you something.
"Whatsoever your hand finds to do...
"do it gladly...
"because there is no work, love, knowledge...
"or wisdom in the grave."
Who is that, Carlyle?
No, it's the Old Testament.
It's God.
It's amazing you should quote him.
He's my hero.
[Both laugh]
Killing my first man...
was like making love to my first woman.
I nemmemmben eveny little detail...
tle smmell of lis lain...
ice on tle window...
wallpapen.
It's like entening a diffenent timme zone.
You'ne becomming an outsiden...
isolating younself.
You'ne condemmned.
CHUCK: Condemmned?
KEELER: You lave becomme...
tlein sadness. And...
live in a diffenent state of mmind.
Ladies and gentlemmen...
tle lost of "Tle Gong Slow"...
[Chuckles]
Chuck Barris.
It's good to see you, Sieg.
KEELER: Yeal. It'll be all niglt.
It'll be all right.
WOMAN: # Happy bintlday #
KEELER: I think.
# To you #
# Happy bintlday #
# Dean Cluckie #
# Happy bintlday #
# To you #
Is that right?
Yeah. That's real good.
That's real good.
So what's wrong, Chuck? Are you OK?
So what's wrong, Chuck? Are you OK?
Yeah, I'm OK.
A guy I know killed himself last night.
A guy I know killed himself.
- Who was he? - You don't know him.
He's a stagehand.
Why did he do it?
He didn't like his work anymore.
- Thanks. - Thanks.
Is being a stageland neally. Neally bad?
Yeah, it's pretty bad.
Hello?
You were supposed to meet me at the Palm two hours ago.
- Oh, fuck, I forgot. - You forgot. Really?
- Keeler's dead. Did you know? - Yeah, I heard.
- What did you hear? - I heard he took himself out.
Is that right? Did Byrd tell you that?
He said he was depressed. I was gonna tell you, but... Hey:
Who is this?
I don't get stood up. Do you understand?
Fun: Excuse me.
[Both laugh]
So glad... Penny. Patricia. How'd you find me?
Are you serious? This is what I do for a living.
What does she mean?
You're dead in my book, strawberry dick.
- Strawberry dick? - I'll see you around.
Nice to meet you, Penny. I've heard a lot about you.
Why don't you stay for a cocktail?
Penny...
And... and... you know, man...
I'm giving you one more chance. Get it?
[Sighs] Fuck.
[Audience applauds]
MAN: Tlank you. ladies and gentlemmen.
[Plays intro to "Fools Rush In"]
[Off-key] # Wise mmen say #
# Only fools #
# Rusl in #
# But I can't lelp #
# Falling in love #
# Witl you #
# Take mmy land #
# Take mmy wlole life #
# Too #
# Fon I can't lelp #
# Falling in love #
# Witl you #
# Fon I can't lelp #
# Falling in love #
# Witl #
# You #
[Weak applause]
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
LORETTA. O VER INTERCOM: Line one fonyou. Cluck.
Thanks.
Yeah?
JIM: Keelen didn't kill limmself.
He was mmundened. Watcl youn back.
[Hangs up]
You can comme in now. Mn. Flexnen.
Chuck:
[Chuck hangs up phone]
- Great to see ya. - What's up, Rod?
[Chuckles]
Well... Chuck, may I sit?
Hey, how's that redhead?
She's good, you know. Keeps...
Well, Chuck, the thing is, we have to talk.
What's up, Rod?
Well, the thing is...
somme of youn old slows anen't doing so well...
in tle old natings wan. Ha la la:
So... I've been put in tle unfontunate position...
of laving to infonmm you...
tlat tle netwonk is canceling tlese slows.
Now, don't shoot me, Chuck.
I'm just the messenger.
Psshh.
Aargh: [Chuckles]
[Sighs]
This really is the hardest part of the job for me.
CHUCK: Tley killed mmy babies...
just like that.
I pushed them into the world...
through the birth canal of my imagination...
Iovingly... tenderly.
Where's the humanity of these people? Huh?
- Fuck 'em. - Fuck 'em.
They're fucking bastards anyway.
Yeah. What am I gonna do now?
WOMAN: Oh, baby.
Oh, yeah. Feels so good.
[Woman moans softly]
Chuck?
PENNY: Cluck?
Fuck: Fuck:
Penny, fuck:
I came here to tell you I sold a painting.
That's great.
What's she doing here?
CHUCK: Sle's. Ul...
PENNY: Tlis is oun louse.
It's one tling to go elsewlene fonyoun pussy needs.
But tlis is oun louse.
It's my house, Pen.
It's our house.
I found it with you. I decorated it with you.
I spent six fucking months...
waiting for the fucking plumber to fucking come.
CHUCK: I'mm sonny.
You're such an asshole.
[Starts engine]
No, I'm not saying that. That's not what I'm saying.
PENNY: Then what are you saying, Chuck?
[Sniffles]
[Crying] Do you want me around or not?
Do you even like me?
Of course I like you.
Penny...
- How much? - What?
I need to know how much you like me.
I don't know what that means.
How much? How can I rate a person in that way?
You could if you felt it.
If you felt it, it would be easy.
You would just...
[Exhales]
spread your arms as wide as they would go...
and say, "This much, Penny."
[Whispering] Everything...
Everything's complicated, Pen.
You know, nothing's black and white like that.
Do you want me around or not?
Because if you don't, it's OK. Just tell me.
Hey, hey...
I love you, Penny, in my way.
Maybe not in that crazy head-over-heels thing...
but what is that anyway?
Romantic love...
isn't that just an illusion?
You just said you loved me, right?
[Sniffles]
[Music fades in]
# Just like yestenday #
# And I'll get on mmy knees and pnay #
# We don't... #
[Turns off music]
JIM: Hi, Chuck.
Hey, Jim, what do you want?
- How's work? - Great.
Any new game show ideas?
Dozens. Why are you here, Jim?
We need you to find the mole and take him out.
Yeah.
[Laughs]
Yeal... I'mm done killing people.
I just want to ententain people.
I'mm out.
No, you're not.
Hey, I got an idea.
If you want him so bad...
why don't you do it?
Why don't you kill the mole?
Any problem with killing, Jim?
I just don't fit the profile.
What fucking profile? There is no fucking profile.
OK. There's no profile.
- There's no profile. - OK.
You had a twin sister, stillborn...
strangled by your umbilical cord.
Your first hit.
Youn mmotlen always wanted a dauglten.
Sle blammed you fonyoun sisten's deatl...
so until youn sisten Ploebe was bonn...
sle naised you as a ginl.
What else?
Your father, the dentist.
Not really your father.
Youn neal fatlen was a mman nammed Edmmond Jammes Windson.
Ammong otlen tlings. le was a senial killen...
a fact youn mmotlen didn't know...
wlen sle lad an affain witl limm in 1928.
- That's ridiculous. - Is it?
That's insane.
Windson died in tle electnic clain in 1939.
I'm trying to think of what more I can tell you...
but you have me at a bit of a disadvantage, Chuck.
I don't have your files in front of me.
Come on, Jim.
I'm out.
As long as the mole's alive, you're a dead man.
How do I know it's not you?
You're a fairly bright guy.
You'll figure it out.
[Ominous chords]
[No audio]
[No audio]
[Ominous music continues]
[Bagpipe music fades in]
- Hey, Chuck. L... - Take it off.
Who are you? What's your name?
[Gong]
[Audience applauds]
[lncidental game show music]
Yeah... that's the way it goes on TM.
CHUCK: Get off the stage. Go back to Scotland:
Get yourself a Guinness and some Lucky Charms.
All right. Ladies and gentlemen...
the prince of puns...
the wizard of whoopee:
[Applause]
The Unknown Comic:
Hey, Chuckie, baby:
Hey, Chuckie, baby, I got a joke for you.
- A joke. - What?
What's the difference between toilet paper...
and a shower curtain?
- I don't know. What? - Here's the guy:
- Get off the stage. - No, it's my turn, Chuckie.
- Get off the stage. - You're fucking crazy, man.
Get the fuck out of here.
Ladies and gentlemen...
our next act... Ha ha:
First came...
To us... all the way...
Um... ha ha...
Lord. Crazy on coast-to-coast.
Come on.
You like the way Mommy looks?
Yes.
I bet you'd like to be a mommy some day, wouldn't you?
Comme lene. You.
[Renda crying out]
CHUCK: Sonny about youn teetl.
MO THER: #... bintlday to you #
# Happy bintlday to you #
# Happy bintlday. dean Cluckie #
# Happy bintlday to... #
Come on. Take me away now.
Take me away.
What are you waitin' for?
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
I see you. I know who you are.
What are you looking at?
[Music starts]
SINGERS: # If I lad a lammmmen #
# I'd a-lammmmen in tle mmonnin' #
# I'd a-lammmmen in tle evenin' #
# All oven tlis land #
# I'd a-lammmmen out dangen #
# I'd a-lammmmen out a wannin' #
# I'd a-lammmmen out love #
# Between mmy bnotlens and mmy sistens #
# All oven #
# Tlis land #
# Ool ool ool #
# If I lad a bell #
# I'd a-ning it in tle mmonnin' #
# I'd a-ning it in tle evenin' #
# All oven tlis land #
# I'd ning out dangen #
# I'd ning out a wanning #
# I'd ning out #
# Love between mmy bnotlens and mmy sistens #
# All oven #
# Tlis land #
# Ool #
# If I lad a song #
# I'd sing it in tle mmonning #
# I'd sing it in tle evenin' #
# All oven tlis land #
# I'd sing out dangen #
# I'd sing out a wanning #
# I'd sing out love #
# Between mmy bnotlens and mmy sistens #
# All oven #
# Tlis land #
# Tlis land #
BARRIS: Dean Penny...
tlis is just a note to say tlat I'mm sonny...
fon all of it.
You wene tle best pant of mmy life...
and I couldn't see it.
I'mm not asking fon anotlen clance...
just fonyoun fongiveness.
Love. Cluck.
[Knock on door]
Well...
Iook who comes out of hiding.
CHUCK: I started thinking, Trish, you're the only woman...
in the world who really... who really knows me.
I know I screwed you over in the past...
and I'm sorry. I...
[Piano concerto plays]
I just want you to know that...
I hate myself for how...
Goddamn, I hate myself for how I lived, Trish.
PATRICIA: Nietzscle says wloeven despises oneself...
still respects oneself as one who despises.
CHUCK: Shit, I never thought of that.
I can't even despise myself with any insight.
The insane asylums are filled with people...
who think they're Jesus or Satan.
Mery few have delusions of being...
a guy down the block who works for an insurance company.
All right.
What is this stuff?
I wanted to be a writer once.
I wanted to write something...
that someday some lesser person would quote...
but I never did.
I'm the lesser person, Trish.
I never say anything meaningful...
that wasn't said by somebody else first.
I am disposable.
I disposed of people, and I'm disposable.
I've been thinking about you a lot lately, Chuck.
- Oh, yeah? - Mmm.
I've missed you.
You could have fooled me.
Well, I've mellowed.
[Chuckles]
Boston is a beautiful city.
We could start over here, normal life together.
Sell insurance.
[Laughs]
Yeah: That sounds good. That sounds right.
Look at that.
I could learn to love that skyline.
Did you see I got your picture framed?
Oh, yeah? Where?
- Look. - Oh, hot dog:
To life.
To life.
You devil. Isn't that sweet?
Oh...
Hey, what about splitting our time in New York?
Fuck. I just bit...
It's just a... [Gags]
[Gagging]
[Gasping, grunting]
PATRICIA: No, that's too quick.
You're supposed to get to the bathroom and throw up first.
God, Chuck, you should have seen Oliver's face.
It was just... well... if I do say so myself.
I got a nice snapshot of it, actually.
Mmm...
You know, Keeler was easy.
Traveled halfway around the world for a night with me.
Hmm...
[Chuck panting]
OK... Let's see...
[Grunts] Chuck, you've put on weight.
Come on.
I nearly blew it with Byrd.
Never farm out a job that you should do yourself.
Do you want a laugh? He thought you were the mole.
He was going to kill you. What an idiot.
"I'm not at all the person you and I took me for."
Hmm. Sounds like an epitaph.
Your handwriting, too.
You see, Chuck, I save everything.
All of your lovely notes. Mmm.
[Labored breathing]
You know what?
I like Carlyle best, too.
I really do. Yeah.
Say hi to the boys when you see 'em.
Ooh...
Oh...
To life. [Clink]
[Piano concerto continues]
[No audio]
BARRIS: My namme is Clanles Hinscl Bannis.
I lave wnitten pop songs.
I lave been a television pnoducen.
I amm nesponsible fon polluting tle ain waves...
witl mmind-nummbing. puenile ententainmment.
In addition. I lave mmundened 33 lumman beings.
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: We lave comme lene today...
to join Penny Pacino and Cluck Bannis...
in Ioly mmatnimmony.
You all know Cluck Bannis...
cneaton of "Tle Dating Gamme. " "Tle Newlywed Gamme"...
"Tle Fammily Gamme"...
"The Game Game," "Dream Girl of 1968"...
"Operation: Entertainment"...
"How's Your Mother-in-law," and many others.
Chuck Barris, who most recently brought us such hits...
as "The Rah-Rah Show"...
"The $1.98 Beauty Show"...
"The Gong Show."
Oh: Chuck Barris...
who I'm sure will be back soon...
with even more shows that will stimulate and educate...
and keep us on the edge of our seats.
[Bell tolls]
[Cheering]
MAN: Wloo:
Congratulations:
Hey...
Oh, thanks, thanks.
Thanks.
[Bell tolls]
[Tolling grows louder]
[No audio]
Danny, drive now:
[Wheels screech]
PENNY: Bye:
Penny, there's something I gotta confess...
something I gotta tell ya.
Listen, Penny. You've known me for a long time...
As the host of "The Dating Game"...
"The Gong Show," "Rah-Rah Show"...
Yeah, yeah, listen, listen, listen...
I work for the CIA. You understand?
And I kill people.
I killed... I killed a lot of people.
You understand?
I killed a lot of people.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha:
[Both laughing]
BARRIS: I camme up witl a new gamme slow idea necently.
It's called "Tle Old Gamme. "
You got tlnee old guys witl loaded guns on stage...
tley look back at tlein lives...
see wlo tley wene. wlat tley accommplisled...
low close tley camme to nealizing tlein dneamms.
Tle winnen...
is tle one wlo doesn't blow lis bnains out.
He gets a nefnigenaton.
[Music intro]
# Tlene's no business like slow business #
# Like no business I know #
# Evenytling about it is appealing #
# Evenytling tle tnaffic will allow #
# Nowlene can you get tlat lappy feeling #
# Wlen you ane stealing tlat extna bow #
# Tlene's no people like slow people #
# Tley smmile wlen tley ane low #
# Even witl a tunkey tlat you know will fold #
# You mmay be stnanded out in tle cold #
# Still. You wouldn't clange it fon a sack of gold #
# Let's go on witl tle slow #
[lnstrumentals]
# Tle costummes. Tle sceneny. tle mmakeup. Tle pnops #
# Tle audience tlat lifts you wlen you'ne down #
# Tle leadacle. Tle leantacles. tle backacles. Tle flops #
# Tle sleniff wlo esconts you out of town #
# Tle opening wlen youn leant beats like a dnumm #
[Drumbeat]
# Tle closing wlen tle custommens won't comme #
# Tlene's no business like slow business #
# Like no business I know #
# Tnaveling tlnougl tle countny can be tlnilling #
# Standing out in fnont on opening niglts #
# Smmiling as you watcl tle tleaten filling #
# And tlene's youn billing #
# Out tlene in liglts #
# Tlene's no people like slow people #
# Tley smmile wlen tley ane low #
# Yestenday. Tley told you you would not go fan #
# Tlat niglt you open. and tlene you ane #
# Next day. On youn dnessing noomm. Tley've lung a stan #
# Let's go on witl tle slow #
# Let's go #
# On witl tle slow #
[Somber piano music plays]
[Music ends]
CQ
Caccia alla volpe - After The Fox
Cactus Flower CD1
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Caddyshack
Cage The
Caine Mutiny Court Martial 1988
Caine Mutiny The
Caja 507 La
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Cats and Dogs
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Celos (1999) - Jealousy
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Central do Brasil
Cercle rouge Le 1970 CD1
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Charlie - The Life And Art Of Charles Chaplin
Charlies Angels
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Chase The
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Cheats
Cheats The 2002
Chelsea Girls 1966 CD1
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Cheong Feng (1999) - Mission The
Cheonnyeon Ho 2003 CD1
Cheonnyeon Ho 2003 CD2
Cher - Live In Concert
Cherry Falls
Chicago CD1
Chicago CD2
Chicken Run (2000)
Chihwaseon CD1
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Children Of Dune Part 1
Children Of Dune Part 2
Children Of Dune Part 3
Children of Heaven The
Children of a Lesser God
Children of the Damned
Childs Play 1988
Childs Play 2 1990
Childs Play 3
Chimes at Midnight
China Moon
China Strike Force 2000
Chineese Ghost Story A 3
Chinese Ghost Story
Chinese Odyssey A
Chinese Roulette
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Choose Me (1984)
Chori Chori 1956
Choristes Les
Choses Secretes
Christiane F
Christine CD1
Christine CD2
Christmas Carol A
Christmas Story A
Christmas Vacation (National Lampoons)
Chronicles of Riddick The - Dark Fury
Chunhyang 2000 CD1
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Cialo
Cider House Rules The
Cinderella 2000
Cinderella Story A
Citizen Kane
Citizen Ruth
City By The Sea
City Hall
City Heat
City Of God 2003 CD1
City Of God 2003 CD2
City Of The Living Dead 1980
City of Lost Children The CD1
City of Lost Children The CD2
City of No Limits The (Antonio Hernandez 2002)
City on fire 1987
Civil Brand 2003
Clan Des Siciliens Le - Henri Verneuil 1969
Clash of the Titans CD1
Clash of the Titans CD2
Class Trip 1998
Classic The (Korean) CD1
Classic The (Korean) CD2
Clearing The
Cleo De 5 Ó 7
Cleopatra 1963 CD1
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Cleopatra 1963 CD3
Cleopatra 1999 CD1
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Cliffhanger (Collectors Edition)
Cliffhanger CD1
Cliffhanger CD2
Cloaca
Clockers CD1
Clockers CD2
Clockstoppers
Clockwork Orange A
Close Encounters of the Third Kind
Close Encounters of the Third Kind (The Collectors Edition)
Closet The
Clownhouse
Club Dread
Clue
Clueless
Coast Guard 2002 CD1
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Cobra Verde CD1
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Coca-Cola Kid The 1985
Cock - A Broken Leghorn (1959)
Cock - The Foghorn Leghorn (1948)
Cockleshell Heroes The
Cocktail
Cold Comfort Farm 1995
Cold Mountain 2003 CD1
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Cold Mountain CD1
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Cold Mountain CD3
Collateral 2004
Collateral Damage
Collector The
Colors
Colour Of The Truth
Coma (1978)
Comandante (Oliver Stone 2003)
Come And See CD1
Come And See CD2
Commitments The
Como Agua Para Chocolate
Company Man
Company Of Wolves The CD1
Company Of Wolves The CD2
Company The CD1
Company The CD2
Con Air
Conan The Barbabian (uncut)
Conan the Barbarian
Conan the Destroyer
Confessions of Sorority Girls
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen
Connie and Carla
Conquest of the Planet of the Apes
Conspiracy Theory 1997
Control 2004
Conversation The CD1
Conversation The CD2
Cook The Thief His Wife And Her Lover The 1989
Cookies Fortune 1999
Cookout The
Cool Hand Luke 1967
Cool World
Cooler The
Cooley High
Cop Land
Corbeau Le
Corky Romano
Couch Trip The 1988
Counterfeit Traitor The 1962 CD1
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Countess Dracula (1970)
Country of my Skull
Cousin Bette
Cousins
Cover Girl (Charles Vidor+1944)
Cowboy (Delmer Daves 1958)
Coyote - Dont Give Up the Sheep (1953)
Coyote - Fast and Furry-ous (1949)
Coyote Ugly
Craddle 2 The Grave
Cranes Are Flying The (1957)
Crash
Cravan vs Cravan
Crawlspace
Crazy Beautiful
Crazy People 1990
Crazy in Alabama
Creature from the Black Lagoon
Crew The
Cries And Whispers (Bergman Ingmar)
Crime Scene Investigation 3x01 - Revenge Is Best Served Cold
Crime Scene Investigation 3x02 - The Accused Is Entitled
Crime Scene Investigation 3x03 - Let The Seller Beware
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Crime Scene Investigation 3x05 - Abra Cadaver
Crime Scene Investigation 3x06 - The Execution Of Catherine Willows
Crime Scene Investigation 3x07 - Fight Night
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Crime of Padre Amaro The
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Criminal Lovers (1999)
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Crimson Rivers 2 - Angels Of The Apocalypse
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Critters 2 The Main Course 1988
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Cronos 1993
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Crow The - City Of Angels 1996
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Cube2 Hypercube 2002
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Cut Runs Deep The 1998
Cutthroat Island (1995)