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Connie and Carla

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[ Murmuring ]
[ Bell Ringing ]
[ Boy ] Hey, check it out. Look at those two losers.
Hi, everyone. We're Connie. And Carla.
[ Girl ] Nerds. [ Woman On P.A.] Attention, please.
The yearbook committee will meet today at 3.40 in the library.
Good crowd. Connie, are you sure we should?
Don't forget the harmony in the second verse, okay?
Okay. This is going to work, Carla.
We just have to stick to my plan. Right. The plan.
We're gonna be huge. Huge!
[ Woman On P.A.] All students registered for the planetarium fıeld trip...
[ Dance ] should now be on the bus.
[ Boy ] Get off the stage. [ Laughter ]
Oklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plain
And the waving wheat can sure smell sweet They're freaks.
Where the wind comes right behind the rain
Oklahoma every night my honey lamb and I
We sit alone and talk and watch a hawk
Making lazy circles in the sky Oklahoma
[ Piano ]
- [ Woman On P.A.] 3 1-B. - Jesus Christ
Superstar
[ Snoring ] Do you think you're
What they say you are
Papa, can you hear me
[ Plane Taking Off] Papa, are you near me
Papa, how I miss you
Kissing me
Good night
Papa [ Both Blow ]
- Thank you. You've been a great crowd. - [ Connie ] All of you.
- [ Velcro Tearing ] - [ Piano ]
[ Plane Engines Rewing ]
Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the--
[ Man ] And the greatest thing about that car show is...
you can sit in any car you want for as long as you want.
Yeah, I remember that from last year.
- Cut it out, Al. - You know, Carla. Me and Al just got this new job.
- We're loading stuff in this warehouse. It's great. - Oh, that's great!
- What's your problem? - I'm trying to eat, okay?
What are you doing here anyway? I told you we broke up.
- Again? - Let's go, Carla.
Where you going? Mikey, the second show.
Yeah, Mikey, the second show. Have some respect.
Don't you realize we're in the presence of the great waitresses?
- Al, shut it. - No, you shut it, Connie.
You and that stupid show. You're like sad, you know.
After all these years, just face the fact, it's not gonna happen and give up.
- What? - What's your problem?
What is wrong with you? Why can't you just be normal?
Al, I only have one life. I want it to be a happy one.
Let's get outta here. Come on, Carla.
[ Connie ] Carla, please? Let's go.
You're a dreamer, Connie. Wake up.
I told you that layover from Madison would bring people in.
Connie. Carla.
Oh, we're gonna be able to pay you back soon, Frank.
Frank, we needed more wigs than we thought, and we have to do some advertising.
Good show. Oh!
You girls are great!
- I gotta go see about a delivery. - Thanks, Frank.
[ Carla Clapping ]
Hey, Frank. Rudy's looking for you.
- Carla-- - Dinner theater will be so in again.
Yeah, Debbie Reynolds defınitely knew what she was doing.
Debbie Reynolds? Darling. Darling.
Chins up, boobs out! It's showtime!
Oh. Actually, the show's over. Sorry.
If you're flying through, come back in a month when the show will be huge. Huge!
We're Connie. And Carla.
- Do you like musicals? - [ Russian Accent ] Stop talking, strange women.
I can tell by your lovely accent you're a visitor to this country, and welcome.
- Where is fat man? - He has a gland problem.
- [ Both Gasp ] - Ooh! - Ooh!
Where's Frank?
Uh, he just left, Rudy.
- Where does he park? - On the rooftop.
Tibor, let's go.
[ Connie Gasps ]
Nice to meet you, Connie. Carla.
[ Woman On P.A., Indistinct ]
We gotta warn Frank. Let's go.
[ Frank Groaning ]
The shipment is short... again.
[ Frank ] I didn't take anything, Rudy.
[ Rudy ] You were the only one who handled the transport.
So now I have to kill ya.
Let's go get security. Okay. Look.
[ Rudy ] You know, Frank, I'm always the one. How long's this been going on?
- Look.Just in time. - How long?
[ Frank ] No! No!
Offıcer, look. These guys are big-time coke dealers.
You take me in, I'll tell you anything you wanna know, okay?
I left the stuff back at the Traveler's Lounge with some girls.
You just go and ask for Connie and Carla.
Connie and Carla.
[ Frank Chuckles ]
[ Gunshot ] [ Both Scream ]
It's Connie and Carla.
[ Both Scream ] [ Gunshot ]
Oh! Oh, my God! Oh!
[ Both Whimpering ]
[ Gunshot ] [ Both Screaming ]
- [ Tires Squealing ] - [ Carla, Connie Sobbing ]
Carla, please. Carla-- [ Flicks Finger]
[ Gasps ] Okay, why the throat? I can't believe you would actually--
Carla, calm down. Your voice is giving me cramps. Those guys are gonna kill us!
Carla, we're okay. We're okay. Oh, my God, there they are!
[ Gunshot ] Did I get 'em? Did I get 'em?
They're still coming. They're coming! They're coming!
[ Gunshot ]
Please say where you're going. We don't know, Ma.
We just suddenly realized we have to make a move for our careers.
We're not in trouble or anything. Connie. Carla.
Are you prostitutes?
- [ Gasps ] - We'll call you!
- Okay. - [ Engine Starts ]
- [ Both Scream ] - What is that?
- What are you doing here? - Your moms called.
Where are you going? We're going away for a while.
Yeah, oh, I get it. Last week, you supposedly break up with me.
Now you pretend you're leaving and bum-ba-ba-da, I'm supposed to propose.
You want us to marry you. What are you talking about? We're not even pre-engaged.
- Mikey, if you wanna propose, I'm ready. - Oh.
Mikey, don't get trapped. We've been dating other girls anyway.
Yeah, we've been-- What?
Oh! Drive, Thelma, drive!
[ Tires Squealing ]
[ Siren Wailing In Distance ]
[ Rudy ] What do you got?
Sputnik, you can't fınd two stupid women,
who have my kilo and saw me blow someone's head off?
This is all that was there.
[ Tibor ] Business contacts.
Old Town Dinner Theater, St. Louis.
Lincoln House Dinner Theater, Kansas City.
Balcony Dinner Theater, Little Rock. They've left town.
Wait. Where's my work tote? Oh, God!
- I think you left it! - Oh, great! Now those guys know everything about us.
You don't have our home address in there, do you? No, no, no.
We should just go to the police. A cop shot poor Frank!
Just let me think, all right? I'm trying to make up a new plan.
Where can we go?
- New York? - New York?
- New York's too obvious. - Florida?
- Florida? - They can't hide.
- We can't hide! - We gotta go someplace where we can just blend in.
Okay. Somewhere where they'd never look for us,
because there's no theater, no musical theater,
no dinner theater, no culture at all.
- Los Angeles. - [ Truck Horn Honks ]
We could be L.A. girls now.
We should work out.
[ Both Laughing ]
Good one. Thank you.
Oh. Oh, I think I have a tissue.
- Here. - Thank you.
What's this?
I don't know.
[ Both Screaming ]
- I can't see! - [ Carla Coughing ]
Oh, it tastes really funny! Don't inhale!
Spit it out! Stop breathing!
Where'd you get that? I didn't get it!
Carla! It was in your bag!
- [ Coughing ] - [ Car Horn Honks ]
[ Carla ] We've been rehearsing a lot, and he's got that newjob.
What if he doesn't even have any job? What if he's found somebody else? Yeah, yeah, that's it.
I think Mikey cheated on me, 'cause I was always working nights. It's not his fault.
It was probably that waitress at Dodo's Diner. The blond?
She always looks at him funny when she brings him his cheese melt. Hi, Mikey.
[ Laughs, Scoffs ] She makes me sick, she's so sweet.
So sweet. Like the devil in devil's food cake.
She just-- She makes me wanna puke. She makes me wanna vomit.
It's okay, Carla. It's okay. [ Exhales ]
We deserve better, that's for sure.
[ Birds Chirping ]
[ Cows Bleating ] You know what? No more time for losers, Carla.
[ Exhales ] Mm-mmm.
When one door closes, another door opens.
Yeah, life is like a patio door. You never know which side is gonna be open.
Mm-hmm, and you walk into the glass.
Get your motor runnin'
Head out on the highway
Lookin'for adventure
In whatever comes our way
Yeah, darling gonna make it happen
Take the world in a lovely embrace
Fire all of your guns at once and
Explode into space
Born to be wild [ Horn Honking ]
[ Carla ] They look friendly here. Oh, I really like it here.
Me too. I got a good feeling about this, Carla.
- Yeah? Me too. - Yeah. Okay.
- [ Giggles ] - It really feels safe here.
[ Bang ] Oh, gunshot! Oh, Connie, they found us!
We're gonna die! Let me look! Let me look!
[ Bang, Bang ]
Oh, we're okay. We're okay.
- [ Bang ] - [ Chuckles ]
Oh, cute!
Don't bother, Carla. They're all just Als and Mikeys with a tan.
No more boyfriends for us.
Oh, wait, back up! Back up!
[ Door Creaks ]
Where are you? Are you okay?
They're not okay. Are you eating? Okay, Mom--
We're eating, Ma. Well, what are you doing for money?
I'm sure they've got jobs. As prostitutes. [ Sobbing ]
I'd be hard pressed to say I can't remember a better-looking group of tourists. And I mean that.
I hope you're ready, 'cause today is the day when all the stars are coming out.
So, keep your cameras ready, 'cause here we go.
[ Siren Wailing ] Oh, look at that.
Another celebrity getting arrested.
Kidding. I'm kidding. Okay. Now--
Excuse me, sir? Could we please drive by Debbie Reynolds's house?
- Oh, yeah! - Ah, no. That's not on the tour.
Keep your eyes peeled both left and right, because celebrities... Sir?
will just pop at you at anytime. Sir? Sir?
Hi. Are there any dinner theaters in town?
Uh, not in this decade.
Now-- Sir, isn't there a place...
- where we could sit for dinner and a show? - Yeah, my face.
Hey, it's Jeff. I, uh, I came by to see you again,
but, uh, you're not home again.
But, uh, I'm bound to run into you sometime, right?
I'm gonna keep trying. So, uh, anyway, I-I can't wait to see you.
I will, uh, I will talk to you later.
- Thanks. - You're welcome.
[ Sighs ] None of these jobs pay real money.
I know. I'll go make some calls.
Okay.
We'll fınd something.
We're the only salon in Los Angeles that does the hijiki herbal clay wrap.
You have done wrapping before.
Oh, yeah. There was a ton of these salons in France.
Where we're from... [ French Accent ] originally.
Oh. Trés bien.
You can fınish it then. Seal it tightly with ductile sheathing.
Right.
Excuse me, Mrs. Morse. Oh, sure.
Okay.
- Is that too tight? - No, no, this is good.
It'll help squish out all that water I've been retaining.
Fifteen pounds to go. Mrs. Morse, you're thin.
- No, no, I'm not. - But you are, really.
- No. No. - Your leg is--
- No, no. - Oh.
Can't even get my butt through this door.
[ Phone Ringing ] Hello. The ''I hate my body'' salon.
May I help you? Hello? Hello? Hello? Oh, they're gone.
[ Both Laughing, Gasp ]
Mrs. Morse, are you okay?
Well, the girl said it's the new look.
Straw hair and beige lipstick?
Well, it's the new California look, right?
- Yeah, for dead Californians. - Oh.
Don't be sad. We can help you.
[ Gasps ]
I love it!
You're fıred!
Now we don't have any money for rent. This is so hard!
I miss Mikey. And poor Frank is dead.
When they fınd us, we're dead too.
Oh! What are you doing?
We need to get drunk. What?
[ Techno ]
[ Disco ]
Shake it again. [ Whistles ]
Shake your groove thing Shake your groove thing,yeah,yeah
Show 'em how they do it now
Shake your groove thing Shake your groove thing,yeah,yeah
Show 'em how they do it now Show 'em how they do it now
They sound great. They're lip-synching.
Strut our stuff
The music gives us a chance
Mary. Yes, Mary?
Did you hear, they're moving their act to Vegas.
Wow! This is it.
If we could do our act here, I could die happy.
Can anyone audition?
Yes, I can. We're going to get the job.
Now don't get your hopes up, sweetie. It's an audition. We have to practice tomorrow.
Ooh, I know what we're going to wear. Chickapow.
We've got the rhythm tonight
[ Whispering ] Are you crazy?
Why not? Because we're women.
No one needs to know that. No way, Connie. No way.
Ready. Smile.
Yeah?
Mary, we heard you're looking for a new act.
That's right, Mr. Mary.
Doll, stop praying. You're looking at the Second Coming.
Sign in. Go backstage. You're on last.
God, I'm beautiful. Where'd you fınd that though?
Really? Here you go, girl.
[ Chattering ] Oh, tape, tape. Thank you.
[ Man ] Oh, here, here, here, here.
Thanks. There you go. Thank you.
All right, try this. ''Girl, what you wearing, your prom dress?''
[ Snaps Fingers ] Girl, what you wearing your prom dress for?
[ Snaps Fingers ] Better?
Mm-hmm. What about our voices?
Way too high to be guys. Yeah, this is gonna lower the key.
[ Tape Squeaks ] Don't forget to adjust on the harmony.
Okay.
Carla, come on. Throw your shoulders back. Have some attitude.
God, these tight tops make us so flat.
Right. And we look just like them, except they have these. There.
Al and Mikey were right. We are dreamers.
That audience is gonna see straight through us, and it could get ugly.
Carla, for one night, we get to sing again.
Come on. Chins up, boobs out. It's showtime.
Shazam!
It's just a jump to the left
And then a step to the right
With your hands on your hips
Your bring your knees in tight
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane
Let's do the Time Warp again
[ Slow Down, Stops ]
- [ Scattered Applause ] - [ Man ] How 'bout a big hand...
for our very own Peaches 'N'Cream.
That's not what-- You were hitting me with that duster.
- I loved it. - You were better than me.
All right, our next act is in town from, uh, Winnipeg.
They're new, so be nice-- You didn't tell them our real names.
I took care of it. All right, please welcome...
Al and Mikey.
[ Exhales ]
[ Piano. ''Cabaret'']
Oh, Cabaret. Original.
Wait, it's Liza... again.
I can't do it! Yes, you can.
No. [ Exhales ]
[ New Song ]
Maybe this time
I'll be lucky
Maybe this time he'll stay
Maybe this time
For the fırst time
Love won't hurry away
Is she singing? Yes, he is.
He will hold me fast
I'll be home
[ Lower-pitch ] At last
Not a loser anymore
Like the last time and
The time before
Everybody
Loves a winner
So nobody loved me
Lady peaceful
Lady happy
That's what I long to be
All the odds are
Him I favor
Something's bound to begin
It's gonna happen
Happen sometime
Maybe this time
Maybe this time
I'll win
[ Silence ]
[ Cheering ]
Oh! Oh, my God!
[ Giggles ] Thank you.
- [ Whistling ] - We're Connie--
- And Carla. - More!
Hit it!
[ Piano ] I'm just a girl who can't say no
I'm in a terrible fıx
I always say, '' ''Come on, let's go'' Just when I oughta say
Don't cry for me, Argentina
The truth is I never left you
All through my wild days my mad existence
I kept my promise Don't keep your distance
Have I said too much
There's nothing more I can think of to say to you
But all you have to do is look at me to know
That every word is true
Don't cry for me, Argentina
The truth is I never left you
All through my wild days my mad existence
I kept my promise Don't keep your distance
[ Ends ]
- [ Cheering ] - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
[ Whistling ]
Oh! Oh! Oh! What just happened? Oh, my God!
Oh, you guys! Where the hell did you queens come from?
The Evita stuff made me tingle.
The Evita stuff made me tingle. Wednesdays and Sundays, 200 a week.
Three hundred a week and 1 0% of the door.
No way. Okay, fıne.
Congratulations. You guys are fabulous. Thanks. Thank you.
Come on, Toto.
Having trouble making ends meet. Not the fırst time.
May not be able to pay you that much.
That's okay. Yeah.
See you tomorrow, Connie and Carla.
Ooh! They all know our real names!
Who cares? We're in! Oh, my God, we're in!
Oh, Carla, we're in! We're in!
Okay. Yeah!
You coax the blues right out of the horn, Mame
You charm the husk right off of the corn, Mame [ Cell Phone Ringing ]
[ Continues ] Hello?
[ Rudy ] Tibor, what are you doing? Are they there, or what?
No, Rudy, they're not here.
Hey, what about tracing their license plate?
What about tracing the license plate? If you'd written it down, you idiot!
[ Carla ] You'll be lost
You'll be so, so sorry
When I'm gone
Sleep and I shall soothe you
Calm you and anoint you
Myrrh for your hot forehead
Oh Then you'll feel everything's all right
Yes, everything's fıne Close your eyes
Close your eyes and relax
Because everything's fıne
[ Cheering, Applause ]
You've been great. You've been real.
Thank you. Thanks.
You know,
it's hard to meet a guy in this town,
let alone in Nazareth.
Hey, Carla, I feel sorry for Mary Magdalene.
Oh, why is that, Connie?
Oh, you know, she fınally decides to mend her ways, going the straight path,
and she falls for this guy-- 33 years old,
still living at home with his mother, who's never gonna accept a shiksa with a past for a daughter-in-law.
[ All Laughing ]
God, I love it. I feel like I can fınally say what I think.
I know. When we were doing the show in Chicago, and you would say, you know, dirty stuff,
I could feel the audience going, ''Oh, no. Don't do that. Where's my dessert?''
But now, dressed like a guy-- We can say anything we want.
[ Connie ] But with L.A. men, the bulge in their pants is a cell phone.
All right, that's it. I have not seen you laugh once tonight.
Can you not see how fabulous we are?
- I love the show. - Mary, that is scary.
Your face doesn't move when you talk.
Oh, Botox.
Cow poison?
[ Gasps ] Oh, no.
How many of you deaden your wrinkles with that crap?
Hmm. Four, huh?
[ Man Laughing ] Five?
Oh, come on. Be honest!
[ Laughter] [ Connie ] Yeah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Boys and girls, God put us on this earth to have a laugh, hence the term ''laugh lines.''
[ Exaggerated Laugh ] That's what it looks like.
Do yourselves a favor, let your eyes crinkle, let your skin wrinkle.
Our lines show that we've lived.
If he doesn't love you when you look like a map, tell him to hit the road.
Hey, good one.
Whatcha got there, Carla?
Well, Connie, I do believe it's time for South Pacifıc sing-along!
[ Cheering ]
There you go. Get it around your neck.
Come on, people. Get 'em on. There you go.
They're so much fun. Wish I had the nerve to sing live.
I wish I had the nerve to be that good.
We are such idiots. Don't be mean to us.
Just because you look fat in white.
I do-- Look at how busy we're getting. Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?
- No more spandex? - No, sweetie.
Well, then what, honey?
If you can't lick 'em, join 'em.
- Who's getting licked? - [ Piano ]
I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair
I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair
I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair
And send him on his way
I'm gonna wave that man right outta my arms
I'm gonna wave that man right outta my arms
I'm gonna wave that man right outta my arms
And send him on his way
We are geniuses.
[ Cheering, Whistling ]
Do you know where the scissors are?
I think they're in the kitchen in the third drawer.
Okay. [ Knocking ]
I spy your little eye.
It's the bartender from downstairs. Hello?
[ Carla ] Gimme that. I can hear you.
Put that on. Put it on. What's going on in there? You can't say hi?
The guacamole.
I can't hear them. Should we go? [ Door Opens ]
How you doing? What's going on?
Welcome wagon. We live on the top floor. Hi.
Hey. Oh.
Dear, girlfriends need a decorator.
- Hi. I'm Paul. - I'm Brian. My stage name's Patty Melt.
By day, I'm Robert. And this is my roommate, Lee.
By night, we're a duo act-- Peaches 'N' Cream.
- I hate our name. - I think it's beautiful.
That's because you're the Peaches part. I'm 'N' Cream.
My name is 'N' Cream. What does it even mean?
- That's really nice. - Fabulous.
Come. Come. Come on. Join us.
All queens rise.
O blessed St. Mary of Drag Queens,
please grant your never humble servants...
and our new friends with grace,jewels and support hose.
- Gay-men. - Gay-men.
And bless me with a new name.
Hello. I don't even have a drag name.
Why not? Yeah, what's up with that?
Well, I'm new, so I can't name myself.
You want 'N' Cream? No, thanks.
Rosemary Chicken. [ Scoffs ]
Mary, Queen of Shots? Mm-mm.
Estée Lauder Harder Faster?
- What? - Ooh, can I borrow this?
- Hey, hey, what time is it? - Five-ish.
Uh, the show. We have to shave... everything.
- You're so lucky to be paid to perform. - Sorry? What was that?
- What? - Perform.
Look. There are very few paying drag gigs in this town.
And I have to bartend at The Handlebar, and frankly, it's beneath me.
So, here it is.
Have you ever thought about adding a few fabulous friends to your show?
If you need some great new choreography, I know some fabulous new dance steps.
I'm great with wigs. I can sew a dress in three hours.
I'll lend you my jewels.
Call us. We could use the buck.
We'll give it some thought.
Yea! Bye. Great! Excellent.
Come on,you guys. Let's go clean our apartment. For your brother.
You invited him over? Are you drunk?
A little. You know, Robert left home when he was just 1 6.
Brian. Well, I'm glad I don't have a straight brother.
Now, now, we mustn't be prejudice. Straights are people too.
[ Murmuring ]
Come on.
Look at all the people, Carla.
[ Door Slams Shut ] [ Both Scream ]
Don't tell me not to live just sit and putter
Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter
Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade
Don't tell me not to fly I've simply got to
If someone takes a spill it's me and not you
Who told you you're allowed to rain on my parade
I'm gonna live and live now
Get what I want I know how
One roll for the whole shebang
One throw that bell will go clang
Eye on the target and wham
One shot, one gunshot, and bam
Hey, Mr. Arnstein
Here I am
I'll march my band out
I'll beat my drum
And if I'm fanned out
Your turn at bat, sir at least I didn't fake it
Hat, sir I guess I didn't make it
Get ready for me, love 'cause I'm a comer
I simply gotta march my heart's a drummer
Nobody, no, nobody
Is gonna rain on my
Parade
[ Cheering ]
Oh, shush. Oh, all right.
Enough already. Yeah, that's right. Yeah.
[ TV.Ballroom ]
- That looks great. - Glamorizing our new look a bit.
I mean, you know, under the lights, these could be great.
Especially on turns. Whoo!
- These could be dangerous. - Yeah.
- Oh. - Aw.
- What? - It's just-- It's great to see you happy.
Come on, admit it. You do love the show.
Yeah, it's a drag. Pun intended.
Hey, my plan worked.
Yeah. I'm kinda worried about how well-known we're getting.
- Only in West Hollywood. - But I miss--
- Don't say Mikey. - Boys. I miss boys who like to kiss girls.
Forget it, okay. Because we have no time for losers, and we can't blow our cover.
Are you there? Oh, I lost you.
Oh, now I hear you. Oh, now I lost you.
- Robert,you all right? - Oh,yeah, sure.
I'm just going to meet my brother for the fırst time in 1 06 years.
Did you have a fıght? No.
Look.
I haven't had any contact with my family in a long time.
My choice.
Six months ago, I get a little sentimental watching TV-- Hallmark commercials.
So I send my grandma a birthday card,
with my return address label on it.
So then my brother starts coming around.
Starts leaving me messages, ''Hey, let's be brothers again.''
- You don't want a brother? - [ Scoffs ]
He's just gonna hate me.
No, he won't.
Does he know you dress with style?
Yeah, I told him on the phone.
I fıgured I'd go without the ball gown, just to ease him into things.
Let me see.
There you go. Blue's your best color.
Thanks, sweetie.
[ Chattering ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ Heavy Sigh ]
[ Clears Throat ]
Well, this was a mistake.
[ Exasperated Sigh ]
You coax the blues right out of the horn, Mame
You charm the husk right off of the corn, Mame Hello, Rudy.
It's Tibor. What do you got?
I'm in St. Louis. They're not here.
Hey, I'm down a kilo and I'm up two witnesses. Find them!
Since you brought Dixie back to Dixieland
You make the cotton easy to pick
- Oh, for God's sake, what? - What?
What are you doing? Following me? Watching every move I make?
I'm not watching you. I-I just thought it'd be fun to hang out.
Why? Why not?
Why? Why not?
Grow up. You grow up.
You grow up. Make me.
Well, at least do some shopping yourself.
Please?
- Mom likes irises too. - Save it for Dr. Phil.
- Okay. - Hi, Mrs. Phillips.
Hi, Mrs. Phillips. Hello.
Robert, I thought it'd be nice to spend a beautiful Saturday--
Jeff, why the sudden interest in me after all this time?
Well, for a long time, I couldn't fınd you, remember?
And, uh, I think I'm gonna marry someone.
And if that's gonna happen, I want you to be there.
Oh.
Come on. I need cheese.
Are you sure? Yeah, yeah.
[ Cell Phone Beeping ] Oh. That's my girlfriend.
Oh, no, take it. I'll see if they're home.
[ Knocking ] Bonjour, mes fılles.
C'est moi. Hello?
Sorry, sorry.
Ouvrir la porte. [ Knocking ]
Here's your hair. No, no, I got it. Take it with you.
Get a robe. Get a robe. That's yours.
I hear running.
How you doing? What's going on?
Wow. Good look. [ Chuckles ]
Whoa. So, uh, how's it going with your brother?
Jeff.
I'll call you later.
Jeff, these are my girlfriends, the Connie and Carla.
Hi,Jeff. Welcome to the dollhouse. Want me to condition your hair?
No, I-I ran a cream rinse through it this morning, so I'm good.
So, I'll take a rain check.
[ Clicks Tongue ] Uh, you all work at The Handlebar too?
Oh, yeah, we all work there.
Work? Jeff, these broads have transformed that dive into a legit cabaret.
- I wish I was in that show. Hint. - All right.
Hint. We heard you.
Hint. Back off.
All right, get outta my way. Get outta my way. Let's get outta here.
Oh! Hello. Hi, I'm Brian. This is Paul and Lee.
I'm Robert's best ''briend.'' His what?
Best friend. He's also my roommate. Come see my apartment.
No, ours. Down, girls, down. Down, down, down.
Are you hungry? Do you like fısh sticks?
I'll make them Filipino style. They taste just like chicken.
Oh, my God. I like him.
I saw him before when we were still girls.
He was standing out front. We had this moment, Carla.
- He was nice to me. - What are you talking about?
Right. Why would he ever be attracted to me?
I'm a drag queen.
- No, you can't blow our cover for some guy. - Oh, yeah, I know.
I know.
I know. [ Exasperated Sigh ]
Thanks. Have a good show tonight.
Stanley, we want to add some friends to the act.
You've gotta get a food license and expand this place.
Here's my plan: We're adding more leg, you gotta add some legroom.
- Uh, what would that cost? - I'll add up some fıgures. What--
Excuse me. I'll be backstage.
What are you doing? What?
This show is our destiny waiting to happen-- dinner theater.
We can't expand the show. We'll get more well-known,
and then word will travel straight to those killers.
They're not looking for a couple of drag queens.
How do you know? They're serious. They have a lot of connections.
They haven't found us. They're not connected to this world.
We're safe. We're drag queens. Whoo!
You're a freak. Yeah, and you're a freak with me.
You coax the blues right out of the horn, Mame
[ Tibor ] No. No. Yes. Rudy, I tell you. You charm the husk right off of the corn
I have seen almost everything on Broadway. They're not in it.
I saw Gypsy last night. They're not there.
I saw Rent, which was surprising,
to be so poignant with a narrative,
added to by emotional performances which bring the audience into the story.
Like-- Intimate story? Intimate story!
I got an intimate story. I'm gonna kill you if you don't--
Okay, okay, okay. I have good news.
I got a ticket to the matinee of Hairspray.
[ Rudy Hangs Up ] Hello?
Five, six, seven, eight. And the knees up and hands at your side. Chickapow
Charleston, Charleston Downstage, do-si-do
Carla! What? He pushed me.
- I am a trained dancer. - Connie, Carla, move more like this.
- Hide all your masculinity. - Chickapow!
No one follow me this time. I'm delicate. All right.
Crystal Decanter. That's not my name.
- How 'bout Patty, like me? Patty Cake. - No.
- Patty O'Furniture. - No.
- Patty Pooper. - No.
Great. Can we all please dance now?
What's this? Why do you wear a bra during the day?
Well, if you must know, being in drag helps us practice our moves.
Hmm. Good falsies. What do you use?
None of your beeswax.
Yeah, they're really good. You should all have a feel.
Supple. Good. Well, they are good.
Hmm. Hmm.
Back to work. Okay then.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No way. Put it back. Uh-uh. No, whoa.
I don't have this kind of money. Stanley.
Here's my plan. You only have to do 80% capacity,
and you'll make your money back within three months.
All you gotta pay out now is the construction. I got it all under control.
Sir, hi. We've talked about this. Yeah, the tables have to be this high.
Right? Right. Why? Stanley, look at me.
I'm eating my surf and turf. Oh, watching a terrifıc show.
Eating, watching. Dinner, theater. See? Dinner theater.
Where do you think the whole TV dinner thing came from?
Right, Carla? Uh, yeah, this high.
Stanley? Come on.
[ All ] Stanley.
Hmm? I'll get a loan from my mother.
[ All ] Yea!
[ Piano. ''Cabaret'']
Life is a cabaret, old chum
Only a cabaret, old chum
So come to the cabaret
[ Cheering, Applause ]
Whoa! Whoa!
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I should watch where I'm going.
That's okay, doll.
I'm Connie. I met you.
Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm here to take Robert out for lunch.
-Just, you know-- - That's nice.
Well, he's my brother, so--
Take him out-- Take him out to lunch.
Well, you're nice.
Well, you're--you're nice too, you know. Uh--
I mean, uh--
- You know, uh-- - Hello!
I'll be right down.
What?
Ayayay.
I have to go to the show after lunch, so I dressed.
Is there a problem,Jeff?
- You wanna cancel? - No. No, no, no.
- I'll be right down. - Oh, boy.
Take him to the Tube around the corner. The owner's one of us.
People won't stare as much. Thank you.
Sure.
You like my garbage?
Um, uh, a little bit. Anything good in there?
Hey, sweetie.
- Robert. - Nails.
Nails.
[ Sighs ]
You coax the blues right out of the horn, Mame
Mame
You charm the husks right out of the corn, Mame [ Cell Phone Ringing ]
[ Rudy ] Tibor! Mama's Pizza!
Knock it off. You're telling me you found them, right?
Uh, Rudy, no, not yet. Come on!
Hey, maybe you put someone at Mexico border to search for their car.
Mexico border? That's a great idea. I'll put somebody at the Canadian border, or we could put--
You make the cotton easy to pick
Mame
You give my ol' mint julep a kick
[ Squeals ] Mame
You make the ol' magnolia tree blossom with the mention of your name
You make me feel alive again
You've given me the drive again
To make the South alive again, Mame
Whoa, Nelly. You okay?
- Yeah, are you okay? - Yeah. Padding.
Oh. Yeah.
- Robert's out having a manicure. - Oh.
Mm-hmm. Here.
Wanna come over? What?
No, no, no, no. I have something-- I have a-a--
[ Clears Throat ] You know, I got a prior commitment.
No problem.
[ Relieved Sigh ]
Um, you know the other day when I said that you were nice?
I-I meant it. You are-- You are very nice.
I just-- I just meant it, um,
a friendly way,you know?
I'm-I'm not gay.
Neither am I. What?
Nothing. It's complicated.
I bet.
All right. Okay.
All right. Good.
All right. See ya.
Okay. Mm-hmm.
Hey, do straight guys drink coffee?
- What do you do for a living? - How long have you been a drag queen?
Sorry. I'm sorry. I just--
I've never known...
a cross-dressing person before, so--
- You know your brother. - Oh, yeah. Well, no. It's been a long time.
- Yeah. It's hard. - It's hard, but I'm a bit of an optimist.
Me too. I-I'm stubborn, you know? I don't give up.
You know, I wasn't always in a successful show.
And I had-- I had this friend.
He told me to give up. He called me a dreamer.
- That's not very nice. - Yeah.
I know.
- I gotta go. - Okay.
I just wanna know why you do it. Why-Why you like to dress up? You guys.
Oh. I'm sorry, that's personal.
No, that's okay.
It's-- It's kind of like this. It's like dressing how you feel inside.
You know? You know what,Jeff?
I haven't known your brother for very long, but I think--
I mean, I think, he's happy.
We've only got one life.
It's just a little strange that my brother's out getting a manicure right now.
What, haven't you ever had one? [ Laughing ] God, no.
Well, you live in L.A. Everybody gets their backs waxed and things plucked and--
I don't pluck. I-I've never been plucked.
[ Stammering ] And-And I don't do manicures.
Relax your hand. I'm relaxed.
Wait-- Look at it. It's like a claw.
- Okay, I'm relaxed. - Open.
No polish though. Deal.
- And? - Nothing.
Oh, come on. Spill it.
- All right, but only 'cause we're talking guy to guy. - Right.
- I've been seeing this woman. - You got a girlfriend?
Oh, no. I'm gonna propose. I mean, we're at that stage where I should make a commitment.
But, uh, I'm not really sure if we're right for one another. I mean, she doesn't make me laugh.
Oh, you gotta get out. You gotta pull the cord on that mission.
Abort. Wah! That could just be me being afraid to take it to the next level.
You know, I had this girlfriend once who told me I had issues about getting too close.
I stopped talking to her.
Have you told your girlfriend about Robert?
- No. - But you're going to?
Oh, yeah.
No.
Well, maybe.
No.
I really gotta go now. This was fun.
I've never missed a day of work. I work all the time.
Oh,yeah. But, it's nice just to hang out.
Thanks for the manicure. Don't tell anybody.
Okay.
[ Exhales ]
Aren't you nervous? How can you eat at a time like this? I can't believe it.
Oy, is there lipstick on my teeth? No.
Liar. [ Laughs ] Let's go.
Chickapow! Chickapow!
Where were you today?
Hmm? You were supposed to meet me.
I thought we were gonna go shopping.
You know, Carla, maybe we should watch our weight a little.
I mean, we practically need olive oil to grease the zippers on these costumes.
What? Don't go all L.A. on me, Connie.
All these women come to our show and idolize us...
because as men we have better female self-esteem than they do.
Boy, you have some nerve. Are you all right?
No! I was at that mall all day by myself, Connie.
People stared at me. I felt naked.
I can't hide out like this much longer. I need to get out of this closet.
Well, you can't.
Let's go.
Polar bear walks into a bar and says, ''I'll have a... beer. ''
Bartender says, ''What's with the big pause?''
And the polar bear says, ''Always had 'em.''
-[ Audience Groans ] -[Man ] You suck.
You're outta here, Brad. [ Scattered Chuckling ]
All right, uh, well, please welcome Connie and Carla and the Belles of the Balls.
[ Begins ]
Let me entertain you
Let me make you smile
Let me do a few tricks Some old and then some new tricks
I'm very versatile
And if you're real good I'll make you feel good
I want your spirits to climb [ Audience Whooping ]
So let me entertain you
And we'll have a real good time, yes, sir
We'll have a real good time
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening. Welcome to the show.
- Aren't we all divine? - [ Audience Hoots, Claps ]
All right, here's the show we have planned for you tonight.
Wait! Wait! Stop!
I have an announcement to make.
It's time you all knew. [ Under Breath ] Carla, don't.
I... am...
an eater!
That's right, ladies and gentlemen,
and soon we're gonna be a full-service dinner theater.
This is what America needs. To eat and watch a show where real women are real women.
[ Audience Cheering ] If you're naturally slim, fıne. Okay, but come on.
Starving ourselves to get thin. No hips, no breasts until we look just like little boys.
Girlfriends, big or small, thin or fat, worship that body.
It's the only one you've got.
Hit it! So
Let me entertain you
And we'll have a real good time, yes, sir
We'll have a real
- A real good - Time
Good night, Stanley. [ Grunts ] Ow!
[ Chuckles ] Oy.
[ Groans ] Oh.
Here you go.
Thank you. [ Exhales Loudly ]
Cotton absorbs.
Um.
Surprised they don't market it like that.
Mm-hmm. [ Spits ]
I-I'm looking for Robert. His cell phone is off. Is he in there?
No, she's gone. You missed our show.
Oh, I'm not ready to see that yet. No offense about your job.
None taken. It's not like I'm itching to come down and watch you flip burgers.
[ Laughs ] I'm a fınancial advisor.
Of course. I can smell the stress on you.
I'm not as uptight as you think I am.
Yes, you are.
[ Dance ]
Hey, bartender, I'm thirsty.
Hey, hey. Why are you-- Why are you different when you're away from all the other drag queens?
- What do you mean? - I mean, it's like there's some kind of...
drag queen code of behavior or something, you know?
It's like-- [ Imitating Drag Queen ] Stripes?
Mary! Holy Martha Stewart's prison collection.
I-I-I got three words for you, Miss Thing.
[ Snapping Fingers ] No, no, no and--
Four words. Yesterday! [ Laughs ]
It's ridiculous. What is that?
What? What was that?
Oh, please, don't make me do it again. I think I pulled something.
I mean, I wanna fıgure it out. I really do.
I mean, are you--
What's the thrill? Are you hiding?
Actually, I am hiding. Yeah?
Some murderers are after me and I'm hiding out as a drag queen.
Really. Really, I'm asking you really. I'd like to know. I wanna fıgure this whole thing out.
Is this the real you, or are you playing dress up?
You understand? Are you-- Are you playing dress up?
Or is this the real you?
I don't think you could handle the real me.
You'd be all, ''Oh, I want my mommy.''
Uh-uh. It's true.
Uh-uh. So a real woman doesn't scare you?
No. But, Connie, you're not a real woman.
Oh, you'd be surprised, baby.
I know your type. You like uptight girls.
That is not true. That is so not true.
Really? Yeah.
Am I your type?
Sure. Yeah. You think I'm attractive?
Connie, I've never seen you out of drag,
but-but, uh, I have to say that as a broad,
you're-you're a real looker. Ahh! [ Chuckles ]
Can I get another one, please?
[ Choking ]
[ Tibor ] I have been to dinner theaters in Idaho, to cabarets in Kansas.
I have watched every show in this whole country.
Connie and Carla have disappeared.
You're just mad 'cause Connie didn't call you.
Mikey, get it through that chunk-a-head of yours, Connie and Carla-- [ Whistles ] they're gone.
Hey.
Sorry, Mr. Rudy. Whoa.
Who are you? I'm Al.
I'm new.
What's your problem, Al?
Mikey. His girlfriend took off on him and--
[ Exhales Sharply ] th-that's all.
I love a good story.
- Where are Connie and Carla? - We don't know.
But Mikey says he got a hang-up call last night.
- Caller I.D. said area code 3 23. - Los Angeles.
- Oh. - What a story.
Listen, you guys are useless to me here like this.
What I want you to do is I want you to go out there,
and I want you to fınd your girls. Are you serious?
And when you do, call me.
[ Chuckling ]
[ Stops Chuckling ] Why?
I gotta know how it ends. [ Laughs ]
Uh, Mr. Rudy, oh, thank you.
Thanks.
Follow that idiot.
Uh, I already saw you.
Hello? I--
Hey!
Wait! Look, I'm not--
I know you're not. That was just a big--
It was just a mistake, what happened. Yeah, a big mistake.
Can't we be friends? No. No, we can't.
I don't have time for this. This whole thing. Okay?
It's not normal.
Don't you think it's a little bit weird, Mr. Rudy giving us this cash to come out?
- He cares about me. - Since when?
I'm not sure.
There's some things about Mr. Rudy that might surprise you.
I heard some stuff.
What'd I do? Would you fınd a map?
[ Honks Horn ] Wanna ride?
You missed rehearsal this morning. [ Groans ] Carla, please.
I just got dumped. What are you talking about?
How could I not know? What, the straight guy?
Yeah. But he thinks I'm a guy, so it's over before it even started.
[ Sighs ]
- Isn't thatJeff?. - Oh, yeah. That's interesting.
[ Exasperated Sigh ] It's Jeff? [ Chokes ] Right in the throat.
Are you crazy? You must be out of your mind!
Carla! Carla! Your knee is in my coochie! Get off!.
Are you sick? Do you have some kind of death wish?
Why would you take a chance on exposing us?
He'll talk about it to Robert, then she'll talk. People will talk.
Then those guys will fınd us and kill us! Your voice is giving me mono.
Nothing happened. Back off!. [ Gasps ]
You yelled at me. We're fıghting.
We never fıght. What's happening to us? We're having a nervous breakdown.
Yeah, maybe we're having a delayed reaction to the trauma of being shot at--
like those guys in Nam. You can't say ''Nam,'' Carla.
You weren't in Nam. You have to call it Vietnam!
- Shut up, Connie! I can call it what I want! - Oh, God! I kissed Jeff!.
I kissed Jeff, and I wanna kiss him again without my wig!
You can't, Connie! You can't! You did?
Just my luck. I meet the guy of my dreams and he's straight!
Look at us! We're ridiculous, Carla. I can't do this anymore.
Shut up, Connie. We're in this because of you! [ Gasps ]
It was your idea to borrow money for new costumes, even though you knew Frank was a gangster.
So because of you, we saw him get killed.
And then we--yes, we-- got shot at.
Shot at with real guns. And that white powder? That was cocaine.
You got us mixed up with some real criminals. Murderers.
And it was your stupid idea to be drag queens.
Now we're in hiding for life as women dressed as men dressed as women.
So shut up, shut up, shut up! [ Exhales ]
I-- You've been weird.
Cut it out.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
Girls, we need help. Open the door.
Peaches and Jeff are fıghting. Let's go! Quick!
You won't even go inside.
You won't dare to look at the show.
I've asked you and I've asked you. You won't do it.
Robert, I've invested days and energy in this relationship. I'm trying.
But, you gotta give me a break It's hard for me to see you like this.
You can't pick and choose the parts of me...
that don't make you sick to your stomach.
You can't have half a relationship with me,Jeff.
Jeff.
Oh, my God. What are you-- What are you doing here?
- It's not what you think. -Jeff, I can see that.
So this is what you've been up to? No.
Sneaking around when you said you were working?
- [ Quietly ] That's his girlfriend. - I thought you were seeing other women.
- No, Mary. - Her name is Mary?
Jeff.
Introduce me to your girlfriend.
Mary, this is Robert.
My brother.
[ Quietly ] Oh.
Okay. Um, we're gonna give you guys some privacy.
Jeff, they're freaks.
God.
She's fıne. He's fıne. Everything's all right. Let's just leave her alone.
Maybe just a glass of water? My heart's pounding. I thought she was going to kill that girl.
One who should watch out is thatJeff. I'm going to knock him into next week. I swear to God.
[ Loud Sigh ]
[ Sighs ]
Ouch. You know?
Yeah.
[ Robert ] Christ.
[ Blows Nose ] Let's eat.
[ Laughter ]
And he wouldn't stop asking me questions.
It was like I was Professor Cross-dresser or something.
Like he says, ''Why are you called drag queens? Nobody's being dragged. You're not dragging anything.''
Well, that comes from Shakespeare. Really?
Yeah. He'd write, ''So-and-so enters,'' and in the margin, he'd put the initials D.R.A.G.
''So-and-so enters dressed as girl.''
Drag. Okay, Shakespeare. How about Ophelia Up? No.
Wanda DeCountryside? It's not me.
Devoida Talent? Stop it.
[ Brian ] Personally, I like Wanda DeCountryside.
What are you looking over here for? That's your side. Turn around, look over there.
[ Chattering ]
Come by later if you wanna talk. Oh, sweetie. I am all talked out.
Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- You okay? - Yeah. I've got guy problems.
Oh, sweetie.
Come on.
Welcome to What's Up L.A.?
A dinner theater that's full of drag queens? Holy stockings.
Gorgeous-- Connie and Carla, there you are.
If you could just spare us fıve minutes. [ Whimpering ]
A big hit here in West Hollywood. Just tell us a little something.
Don't be so shy. You've made a big splash.
It's just a local station. [ Panting ]
Our viewers are dying to know you. Okay.
- What makes you the best drag queens ever? - Honey, we do our own singing.
[ Carla ] No lip-synching for us, toots.
We do all your favorite show tunes wrapped in a delicious dinner.
That was a big mistake. We have been flirting with disaster ever since we went on that stage.
Carla. Connie. [ Both Gasp ]
What are you doing here? What the hell is going on?
How did you fınd us? Carla, how come you're a guy now?
Uh, Connie. I think a lot of people just saw that. Yeah, but it's local news.
There's no way that that Russian or Rudy guy saw it. Mr. Rudy.
Our boss. [ Both Gasp ]
You work for Rudy? He sent us to fınd you.
[ Both Gasp ] What? What the hell?
You just tell Rudy that we wanna live. We're not gonna tell anybody that he killed poor Frank.
- Wait. He killed Frank? - You should listen to some of the guys once in a while.
- Al, we saw him kill poor Frank. - To death.
- What happened? - Rudy knows you're in L.A.
- We gotta get out of town. - We can't. The offıcial dinner theater opening is tomorrow night.
We can't let everybody down. They're depending on us. We can't do that to Stanley.
Why'd you cheat on me, Mikey? I didn't, Carla. Ever.
Al just made that up because he was mad at Connie.
Come on, Carla. Don't go be a guy.
You don't understand, Mikey. I like doing the show. I'm good at it. I like being Carla and Connie.
- Connie and Carla. - Yeah. How come your name's always fırst?
- It sounds better. We talked about it. - This is serious!
- We know. - So let's go already.
Hold on. I need time to think. Your voice is giving me shingles.
We need time. Connie's gonna make a plan. I'm gonna make a plan.
She's gonna make a plan. Fine. Call us at this motel. Room 209. First thing in the morning.
You wanna stay over? Yeah. Mikey!
- Carla, let's go. - Connie, did you miss me?
No. Yeah, you did.
- Rudy. I fınd them. - [ Knocking ]
I'm an ass. I should've seen your show. [ Scoffs ]
I should've told my girlfriend about you. I should've loved you and accepted you...
and been okay with the fact that you wear dresses.
I'm sorry, Robert.
It's just that when you left home, it was hard on me. I was 1 2 years old.
I wake up one morning and you were just gone.
You didn't call me. You never even wrote to me. I got kicked out.
What? No. Mom and Dad kicked me out.
They found my bra.
You thought I left? Yeah.
[ Scoffs ]
Well, whatever happened,
Mom regrets it.
- She does? - Oh, yeah. Dad too.
Ha. [ Chuckles ]
No. They wanna see you.
Jeff, for the fırst time in my life, I like who I am.
Forget it.
[ Stammers ]
I wanna be part of your life.
I'll say hi to Mom and Dad for you.
And Grandma too. Okay.
Oh, uh, and Jeff, uh,just a heads up.
My roommate, 'N' Cream, is on a tear to kick your ass.
- 'N' Cream that-- Oh, the little-- the little-- - Yeah. The--
- Tell him-- Tell him to bring it. - Make a joke. I warned you.
- Thanks for the warning. - Go, go, go. Go.
[ Knocking ]
Hi. Hi.
Robert's not here. Yeah, I know. I just came from up there.
Uh-huh. About the other night, I wanted to--
Yeah. Um, how's Mary?
Well, we talked about things for hours. It's not good.
I mean, the relationship, it's just-- We broke up.
Oh.
I wanted to apologize to you.
Um, you're not freaks. You're not a freak.
I hated seeing you hurt.
Thanks,Jeff. I have fun when I'm with you.
Well, all of you, you know?
It's just, I'm not-- I know. You told me.
Yeah. Yeah.
Bye. Bye.
[ Man On Radio ] Good morning, L.A. Looking at the freeways,
three cars got together on the 1 0 1 at Winnetka. Mikey.
Connie and Carla will call. I know.
[ Line Ringing ] Sahara Motel. Hi, Room 209.
I'll connect you. [ Line Rings ]
Hello. Hi, Al.
Connie. Listen, we're coming--
Mikey, talked to this guy. Rudy's on his way. What?
He's gonna kill us all. We gotta get out of here. Okay, bye.
Mikey just talked to a guy from work. Rudy's on his way to L.A. We gotta go!
No. Carla. We're gonna die.
I am so sorry for dragging you into this mess. I love this mess.
Thank you for dragging me. Pun intended.
Listen, who says they're gonna fınd us in this big city anyway?
[ Low-pitched Voice ] Would they be looking for a couple of queens?
Here's my plan. We launch the show. We stay for one night.
The audience sees how great the guys are and they come back, and Stanley doesn't lose any money.
That's a good plan. I know.
One night.
One last show. Okay?
Okay.
[ Sighs ] So, I've been thinking.
We should have the guys enter from the back of the house on ''Good Morning Starshine.''
Oh, honey. If you're gonna enter from the house,
you've gotta do it on ''7 6 Trombones.''
[ Screams ] Debbie Reynolds! Debbie Reynolds! Hi, hi, hi!
Hello there. Hello there.
Somebody put a letter in my mailbox.
I saw your house on the Star Map.
You know, you've got a pretty hot idea here. A dinner theater.
Will you please be in our show? Yeah, will you please be in our show?
We open tonight, so there's not a lot of time to rehearse.
Oh, honey, I've got sheet music and gorgeous gowns and a good underwire bra.
- I could go on now. - [ Both Giggle ]
- So chins out, boobs up, it's showtime. - [ Both Scream ]
[ Horn Honks ]
[ Chattering ]
[ Applause, Cheering ]
Thank you. Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to welcome you to the offıcial opening of Stanley's Dinner Theater--
We love you, Stanley!
Thank you.
And now, please say hello to the Belles of the Balls...
and the one, the only, Connie and Carla.
[ Hoedown ]
- Oh, sit back, sweets. - [ Carla ] It's just us.
- Have we got a show for you. - I hope you brought a change of panties, 'cause--
I'm just a girl who can't say no
I'm in a terrible fıx
I always say, ''Come on, let's go''
Just when I oughta say nix
When a person tries to kiss a girl
I know she oughta give his face a smack Smack.
[ Low Voice ] Smack! But as soon as someone kisses me
I somehow, sort of wanna kiss him back
Back
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our very special guest,
Ms. Debbie Reynolds.
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
There are worse things I could do
Doo-wop
Then go with a boy or two
Two-wop
Even though the neighborhood thinks I'm trashy
And no good She's no good
I suppose it could be true
But there's worse things I could do Wop
Memory [ Cat Meows ]
All alone in moonlight
I could smile at the old days
Police. Drop the cat. I was beautiful then
On your knees. Hands in the air.
Kiss today good-bye
The sweetness and the sorrow
We did what we had to do
Won't forget Can't regret
What I did for love
What I did for love
What I did for love
[ Ends ]
[ Intro ]
Good morning starshine
The earth says hello
You twinkle above us
We twinkle below
Oh, my God! I can't believe it! What are we gonna do? [ All Scream ]
You lead us along
[ Screams ]
As we sing our early morning singing song
You coax the blues right out of the horn, Mame
You charm the husk right off of the corn, Mame
You've got the banjoes strummin'
And plunkin' out a tune to beat the band
The whole plantation's humming
[ Both Gasp ]
You've got something that's mine. You killed poor Frank.
- Let 'em go, Mr. Rudy. - [ Rudy ] Get lost.
- Kick it, girls! - Mame
Let's go, ladies. No!
[ Grunting ]
- [ Music Stops ] - [ Lee ] Take care of the Debbie.
I loved you in What's the Matter with Helen.
[ Screams ]
[ Screams ]
You screwed up the number, you bastard!
[ Grunting ]
Get up!
[ Whimpering ]
Beads!
Hey!
[ Paul ] Get 'em.
- [ Lee ] You guys are bad! - Police! Everybody freeze!
- These are the bad guys! - [ Carla ] These are the bad guys!
- You gotta take 'em away. - All right, ladies. We'll take it from here.
- He killed fat man! - He had a gland problem!
- [ Offıcer] Cuff'em! - You're horrible!
How do you like it? How do you like it? What are you doing?
Hey. Oh, Mikey, I love you!
- I love you. - Thanks, Al. You did good.
- Hey! Good show. - Thanks.
- You need a baritone? - Yeah, call us when you get out.
Okay. On with the show. ''Mame.''
Top of''corn.''
- What the hell was that all about? - Um, the Guys and Dolls tribute?
Oh, save it, Mary. What just happened?
Come on, Connie.
Let's tell 'em the truth. No more lies.
I'm sure you're all wondering...
what the cops and--
First, we owed some money, and then we saw something...
and we've been hiding for a while,
pretending to be something that we're not.
Hey, who saw Yentl?
So Barbra Streisand wants to study the Talmud, right?
But, she can't because she's a woman, so she pretends to be a man,
and, uh, one thing leads to the next,
and before you know it--
Uh-- Everybody-- Everybody believes that she's a man.
So she has to keep lying-- even though she wants to stop, she can't,
'cause she has to keep lying to people that she cares about.
You know, that have been really kind.
Look, uh,
we're women. [ Nervous Laughter]
[ Scattered Laughter]
No, you don't get it. We're women.
[ Murmuring ]
[ Loud Gasps ]
- Oh-ho-ho. Oh-ho-ho. - [ Gagging ]
We're sorry we lied. So sorry.
- [ Man ] Boo. - [ All Booing ]
[ Man ] Get off the stage.
Let's go back to Chicago.
The patio door is shut and our hair is caught in it. I know.
[ Woman ] Excuse me. Excuse me. Hello.
Didn't you used to work at the Slimming Salon?
Yes. Mrs. Morse?
Well, I don't care what you are. You always made me feel beautiful.
- [ Audience Murmuring ] - But we thought you were men, and you're not really men.
- Oh, honey, who is anymore? - [ Laughter]
- I thought something was up. - Me too.
- No, you didn't. - Girls, in an art form based on...
being true to one's real self, welcome to your outing.
-Jeff? - Connie.
- Oh, great. More drama. - You came to my show.
- I love show tunes. - Hey, everybody, this is my brotherJeff.
[ Audience ] Hi,Jeff!. Hi.
You look, uh-- You look different.
Jeff, I'm a woman.
[ Laughs ] It's an authentic look. Yeah, but--
No. I mean I'm female. We're girls.
We were faking it. It's this long story--
Connie, please, we've been over that.
Really.
Really?
Really? [ Audience ] Yes!
Well, I could get used to that.
Jeff is the guy? Yeah.
- You're the guy. - [ Chuckles ]
Get up here and kiss her, you fool.
[ Audience Whistling, Clapping ]
- Ooh. The fınale. - [ Audience ] What?
- The fınale. - Oh!
There is nothing like a dame
Nothing in the world
There is nothing you can name
That is anything like a dame
There are no books like a dame
And nothing looks like a dame
There are no drinks like a dame Carla's a big star now.
And I'm her boyfriend.
Nothing acts like a dame
Or attracts like a dame
There ain't a thing that's wrong with any man here
That can't be cured by putting him near
A girlie, womanly, female, feminine
- [ Cries ] - Dame
CQ
Caccia alla volpe - After The Fox
Cactus Flower CD1
Cactus Flower CD2
Caddyshack
Cage The
Caine Mutiny Court Martial 1988
Caine Mutiny The
Caja 507 La
Calamity Jane
Calcium Kid The
Calender Girls
Callas toujours La 1958
Camilla
Camille Claudel
Campanadas a medianoche 1965 CD1
Campanadas a medianoche 1965 CD2
Candyman 2 Farewell to the Flesh
Cannonball 1976
Cant Buy Me Love
Cant Hardly Wait
Cant Stop The Music 23,976fps 1980
Cantando Dietro I Paraventi
Cape Fear (1991) CD1
Cape Fear (1991) CD2
Capitaine Conan - Bertrand Tavernier (1996)
Captain Pantoja And The Special Services 2000 CD1
Captain Pantoja And The Special Services 2000 CD2
Captain Ron
Captain Ron 1992
Captains Paradise The 1953
Capturing The Friedmans 2003
Car Wash 1976
Carabiniers Les (Jean-Luc Godard 1963)
Caramuru A Invencao Do Brasil
Caretaker The 1963
Caretaker The 1963 Commentary
Carmen (1984) CD1
Carmen (1984) CD2
Carne Tremula (1997)
Carne trmula
Carolina 2003
Cartouche
Cartouche (23.976)
Casa De Los Babys 2003
Casablanca CD1
Casablanca CD2
Casino (1995) CD1
Casino (1995) CD2
Cassandra Crossing CD1
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Casseta and Planeta - A Taza do Mundo  Nossa - Feedback Overflow
Casshern
Casshern CD1
Casshern CD2
Cast Away
Cast a Giant Shadow
Castle in the Sky
Cat Ballou
Cat In The Hat The
Cat People Directors Cut
Cat on a hot tin roof
Catch-22
Catch Me If You Can
Cats Eye (Stephen Kings)
Cats Meow The CD1
Cats Meow The CD2
Cats and Dogs
Catwoman
Cellular 2004
Celluloid Closet
Celos (1999) - Jealousy
Cenetentola La
Central do Brasil
Cercle rouge Le 1970 CD1
Cercle rouge Le 1970 CD2
Chaikovsky 1969 CD1
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Chain Reaction
Chalte Chalte
Chamber The
Champion CD1
Champion CD2
Changing Lanes
Chaos
Charas
Charisma (K Kurosawa 1999)
Charisma (Karisuma)
Charlie - The Life And Art Of Charles Chaplin
Charlies Angels
Charlies Angels - Full Throttle
Chase The
Chasing Amy
Chasing Liberty
Chatos Land
Cheaper by dozen
Cheats
Cheats The 2002
Chelsea Girls 1966 CD1
Chelsea Girls 1966 CD2
Cheong Feng (1999) - Mission The
Cheonnyeon Ho 2003 CD1
Cheonnyeon Ho 2003 CD2
Cher - Live In Concert
Cherry Falls
Chicago CD1
Chicago CD2
Chicken Run (2000)
Chihwaseon CD1
Chihwaseon CD2
Children Of Dune Part 1
Children Of Dune Part 2
Children Of Dune Part 3
Children of Heaven The
Children of a Lesser God
Children of the Damned
Childs Play 1988
Childs Play 2 1990
Childs Play 3
Chimes at Midnight
China Moon
China Strike Force 2000
Chineese Ghost Story A 3
Chinese Ghost Story
Chinese Odyssey A
Chinese Roulette
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Choose Me (1984)
Chori Chori 1956
Choristes Les
Choses Secretes
Christiane F
Christine CD1
Christine CD2
Christmas Carol A
Christmas Story A
Christmas Vacation (National Lampoons)
Chronicles of Riddick The - Dark Fury
Chunhyang 2000 CD1
Chunhyang 2000 CD2
Cialo
Cider House Rules The
Cinderella 2000
Cinderella Story A
Citizen Kane
Citizen Ruth
City By The Sea
City Hall
City Heat
City Of God 2003 CD1
City Of God 2003 CD2
City Of The Living Dead 1980
City of Lost Children The CD1
City of Lost Children The CD2
City of No Limits The (Antonio Hernandez 2002)
City on fire 1987
Civil Brand 2003
Clan Des Siciliens Le - Henri Verneuil 1969
Clash of the Titans CD1
Clash of the Titans CD2
Class Trip 1998
Classic The (Korean) CD1
Classic The (Korean) CD2
Clearing The
Cleo De 5 à 7
Cleopatra 1963 CD1
Cleopatra 1963 CD2
Cleopatra 1963 CD3
Cleopatra 1999 CD1
Cleopatra 1999 CD2
Cliffhanger (Collectors Edition)
Cliffhanger CD1
Cliffhanger CD2
Cloaca
Clockers CD1
Clockers CD2
Clockstoppers
Clockwork Orange A
Close Encounters of the Third Kind
Close Encounters of the Third Kind (The Collectors Edition)
Closet The
Clownhouse
Club Dread
Clue
Clueless
Coast Guard 2002 CD1
Coast Guard 2002 CD2
Cobra Verde CD1
Cobra Verde CD2
Coca-Cola Kid The 1985
Cock - A Broken Leghorn (1959)
Cock - The Foghorn Leghorn (1948)
Cockleshell Heroes The
Cocktail
Cold Comfort Farm 1995
Cold Mountain 2003 CD1
Cold Mountain 2003 CD2
Cold Mountain CD1
Cold Mountain CD2
Cold Mountain CD3
Collateral 2004
Collateral Damage
Collector The
Colors
Colour Of The Truth
Coma (1978)
Comandante (Oliver Stone 2003)
Come And See CD1
Come And See CD2
Commitments The
Como Agua Para Chocolate
Company Man
Company Of Wolves The CD1
Company Of Wolves The CD2
Company The CD1
Company The CD2
Con Air
Conan The Barbabian (uncut)
Conan the Barbarian
Conan the Destroyer
Confessions of Sorority Girls
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen
Connie and Carla
Conquest of the Planet of the Apes
Conspiracy Theory 1997
Control 2004
Conversation The CD1
Conversation The CD2
Cook The Thief His Wife And Her Lover The 1989
Cookies Fortune 1999
Cookout The
Cool Hand Luke 1967
Cool World
Cooler The
Cooley High
Cop Land
Corbeau Le
Corky Romano
Couch Trip The 1988
Counterfeit Traitor The 1962 CD1
Counterfeit Traitor The 1962 CD2
Countess Dracula (1970)
Country of my Skull
Cousin Bette
Cousins
Cover Girl (Charles Vidor+1944)
Cowboy (Delmer Daves 1958)
Coyote - Dont Give Up the Sheep (1953)
Coyote - Fast and Furry-ous (1949)
Coyote Ugly
Craddle 2 The Grave
Cranes Are Flying The (1957)
Crash
Cravan vs Cravan
Crawlspace
Crazy Beautiful
Crazy People 1990
Crazy in Alabama
Creature from the Black Lagoon
Crew The
Cries And Whispers (Bergman Ingmar)
Crime Scene Investigation 3x01 - Revenge Is Best Served Cold
Crime Scene Investigation 3x02 - The Accused Is Entitled
Crime Scene Investigation 3x03 - Let The Seller Beware
Crime Scene Investigation 3x04 - A Little Murder
Crime Scene Investigation 3x05 - Abra Cadaver
Crime Scene Investigation 3x06 - The Execution Of Catherine Willows
Crime Scene Investigation 3x07 - Fight Night
Crime Scene Investigation 3x08 - Snuff
Crime Scene Investigation 3x09 - Blood Lust
Crime Scene Investigation 3x10 - High And Low
Crime Scene Investigation 3x11 - Recipe For Murder
Crime of Padre Amaro The
Crimewave
Criminal Lovers (1999)
Crimson Pirate The
Crimson Rivers 2 - Angels Of The Apocalypse
Crimson Rivers 2 Angels of the Apocalypse
Crimson Tide
Criss Cross
Cristina Quer Casar
Critters 2 The Main Course 1988
Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles
Cronos 1993
Crossroads
Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon
Crow The
Crow The - City Of Angels 1996
Cruel Intentions 3
Crumb (1994)
Cuba
Cube2 Hypercube 2002
Cube Zero
Cure (Kiyoshi Kurosawa) CD1
Cure (Kiyoshi Kurosawa) CD2
Curse The
Custer of the west
Cut Runs Deep The 1998
Cutthroat Island (1995)