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Cookout The

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Yo, Todd, | where the floods at?
Yeah, Todd, is the flood | coming this way?
Bling and Wheezer, | quit horsing around.
Get to class.
Don't listen to them. | They're stupid.
Yeah, l know.
Don't worry. | l'll always be there...
for you, Todd Andersen. | Doo-doo head.
Thanks, Becky.
Todd, how does it | feel to have...
all of the experts | picking you...
to go first | in the draft?
Broke, from bribing | all those experts.
No, no, l'm just playing.
No, seriously, | l'm honored...
that people love | my game that much.
But there will be | a lot of good players...
in the draft tomorrow...
and the first pick | could be anybody.
Now, Todd, | you were raised...
in the ghetto, | the hood...
dragged up | in the streets...
after your father | abandoned you and your mother.
My dad never left. | He's right here.
This is my dad.
No government cheese?
No welfare?
No.
My parents | worked very hard...
to pay the bills | and keep clothes on my back.
So, Mr. And Mrs. Andersen...
once Todd is selected | in the draft...
he stands | to make millions.
Do you think things will | change for your family?
We're a down-home | kind of people.
We raised Todd to know...
that family values are more | important than money.
What about alcoholism...
drug abuse, | the smoke, the drink?
Domestic violence?
No?
Anything?
Tomorrow will probably be...
a historical day | for your family.
How do you plan | on celebrating?
We're gonna celebrate it | the way the Andersens...
have always celebrated | for generations.
We're having a family...
-Cookout! | -Cookout!
Well, that's all | our time for now.
Todd, Mr. And Mrs. | Andersen, thank you.
And good luck | tomorrow in the draft.
For Sports Time, | l'm A.C. Charles.
And l'm Pearce Gabriel.
Good night.
-What was that? | -Who the...
You can stop | all that smiling.
The camera's off.
The camera loves me, woman.
l ought to have | my own TV show.
How was l?
l didn't come off | too stiff, did l?
Sanford and JoJo.
Jojo and the Sex.
No, baby, | you were fine.
You go on up | and get some sleep.
You got a big day tomorrow.
Everybody loves JoJo.
l got it! Ah!
Who wants | to marry JoJo?
l got a perfect show | for you, JoJo.
Huh?
Jackass.
l do not care | what it takes.
There is no way he's | going to New Jersey.
Yo, dude, l know l don't have | the number-one pick...
and that's not | what this is about.
l want him taking us | to the championship...
and he can't do that | anywhere else. ls that clear?
Todd Andersen is coming | to Dallas. Are we straight?
Get his ass here.
We are in New York City...
the mecca | of professional basketball...
where legends | have been made.
Live from | Madison Square Garden...
it's the 38th annual | Professional Basketball Draft...
where the next crop | of young superstars...
led by 3-time All-American | Todd Andersen out of Rutgers...
will take that next step | into the professional ranks.
Hi, everybody. l'm Marv Albert | here on the floor...
with a couple | of the game's best--
Elton Brand and Baron Davis.
Now, Elton, | is this kid Todd Andersen...
as good as the hype...
and can he turn around | a franchise?
Well, Marv, | if New Jersey selects...
Todd Andersen with | the number-one pick...
they'll be getting a kid | with tons of potential.
Guys that are in the pros | like myself, Baron Davis...
we're excited to see | what this kid has...
and really want | to take it to him.
A candid statement | from one of the game's best.
Now, Baron, does New Jersey | keep that number-one pick...
and take Todd Andersen?
There's been a lot | of rumors circulating...
that Mark Cuban | wants to move up...
and take Todd Andersen | with the number-one pick.
And we all know that when | Mark Cuban wants something...
he usually gets it.
So l'm pretty excited | to see what happens.
Yes, it is | always interesting...
to see if Cuban's whatever- | -it-takes attitude pays off.
We're just moments away...
for the doors to swing open | for the league's future stars.
New Jersey | is on the clock.
We'll be back with that | first pick after these words.
l got to use | the bathroom again.
Will you please | just relax? Now come on.
You're gonna be fine, | all right?
Todd, no matter | what happens here today...
no matter what happens...
you're always | gonna be number one...
in me and your daddy's eyes. | You hear me?
That's right.
Whoo!
Sorry l'm late.
l had to put on my face...
in case there's any cameras | or anything.
Baby, do you like my shoes? | What do you think about them?
l think that l needed | a really nice pair of heels...
and these got the little | stiletto thing going on. Cute?
Mom...Dad...
Meet Brittany.
Mom? Dad? Oh, it is so nice | to finally meet you.
l have heard so much | about you guys.
Oh! l love your scarf. | Who is this by?
Uh, uh, honey...
Listen, this is | very odd, honey...
because we haven't heard | anything about you.
Oh. Well...
There will be | so much time...
for us to get | to know each other.
You should be | so proud of your son.
He is amazing.
He is going to be a big, | rich basketball player.
Very rich. Come on, honey. | l have some people...
l want to introduce you to, OK? | Excuse us?
Jojo? Jojo, who is she? | Where did she come from?
Where'd she come from? | Where'd she come from?
She's skankish. She's skankish! | Where did she come from?
Where did he meet her? | Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord.
OK, OK. Put the book down. | Put the book down.
Here we go. | Here we go.
Uh, please be seated.
Welcome to the National | Players Draft.
We're happy to welcome | our potential draft picks...
and their families.
Mama, get in here! | This is exciting!
Shoot!
You think cousin Todd | will introduce me...
to one of his | baller friends?
l need help with all | these daggone bills...
ever since Leon | violated his parole.
My kids ain't had | no father figure.
How you-all kids feel...
about calling | Vince Carter dad?
Let's begin with the first pick | of the 2004 draft.
New Jersey picks | Todd Andersen...
from Rutgers University.
Yes, baby! | Go ahead, cuz!
Number one, boy!
That's my boy! Oh, yeah!
Come on up here, Todd.
Aah!
All right. | Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Come on. Come on. | Sit down.
Number one!
l told you.
That boy's gonna be | the next Michael Jordan!
Congratulations.
Thank you. | Thank you, sir.
Got a few things | for you here.
Try this on for size.
Congratulations.
Aw, my man made it, man.
Man, cousin Todd | got drafted.
Drafted?
Damn this war!
Dog, he was gonna be | the next Dr. J, man.
Huh?
Cousin Todd. Why him?
You're stupid, man.
So anyway, a sister | comes in the room, right?
So l'm looking at the ass | like, ooh, l got two.
This is, like, | a manage or something...
about to jump off here.
You know Bling. l'm about | to get it popping. So--
Hey, yo, Bling!
Bling, isn't that | your boy Todd?
Didn't he take your spot | when you had whooping cough?
l didn't say | whooping cough, man.
l said l whooped his ass, | and he stole my glory.
Yo, his pockets is about to be | really swollen right now.
He's gonna be able | to buy a house.
He's gonna be able | to buy some new timbs.
He's gonna be able | to buy a Timex.
He's gonna be able to buy | an 8-track like mine.
He's gonna be able to buy | a thousand-pack Annihilators.
Yo, listen, listen. | l got an idea.
l heard that a pair | of Lebron James sneakers...
went for 3 g's on Ebay.
Alls we got to do...
is get a pair of | sneakers to Todd--
Forget that. | We're gonna take...
a bunch of sneakers | to Todd...
get him to sign them...
then we're gonna | put it on Ebay...
get phat money.
You understand what | l'm saying now?
Yeah. You think | he'll do it?
Do l think he'll do it?
He better do it...
unless he wants this | gat in his mouth.
You said... | You said gat or gut?
Come on, man.
l let my moms | hold it today, man.
Let's go.
That boy's gonna be | the next Michael Jordan.
That's right, Pop.
That's it!
lf you had spent | a little more time...
working with your son | on his jump shot...
maybe he could have been | the next Michael Jordan.
Ma, come on. Relax, Ma.
l just want to be a doctor.
A doctor?
Boy, doctors | don't make no money...
unless they're on E.R.
OK, super.
Todd, l can get you | $5 million...
if you tattoo | a peacock logo...
to the back | of your head.
Damn.
l'm not tattooing | no peacock...
on the back | of my head, man.
Right, right. | That's a bad idea.
Nonetheless, | with the team contract...
and other potential | future endorsements...
you're gonna be in the 40 | to $50 million neighborhood.
ls that gross or net?
Where did you come from?
Have we met? | ls she with us?
Anyway, you're gonna be able | to have more things...
than you have ever | dreamed of!
And you're gonna be able...
to give back | to the community...
and you're gonna be able | to help your parents...
just like we always | talked about.
l love this kid!
Mr...
Reilly.
Yes. Excuse me.
lt's good to know | that even though Todd...
is getting | his $30 million contract...
he won't forget about | his family values.
That right?
Don't go changing | on us, baby.
l want you to be smart | with your money.
Come here. You got | something on your face.
Yeah, Mama can get rid | of any blemish.
Look, don't worry, Ma.
All l want to do is | take care of the family.
l won't change.
Hey, Jamal, | what up, baby?
Oh, sh...
Aw, man.
Choke!
Baby T got | his first ride.
You only got drafted | two days ago...
and you ran out | and bought that?
Come on.
With a DVD player | and a video game?
Man, get in the car, man.
What's wrong with you, man?
Let's get out of here, man.
My cuz in his | first ride, man.
What's up, boy?
Yo, what's up, cuz?
So l'm telling Todd, | l'm, like, listen.
You see this here? | This is no good.
This will never work. | See this...
This is no good for the shot, | no good for the shot.
What you got to do is...
you got to have them | like this.
You got to spread | your fingers...
so you get that good | rotation on the ball.
l taught him all that | right here on this court...
and look where it got him.
Ah, stop gaming. | You know Todd Andersen?
What do you think | l'm sitting here telling you?
l taught him | everything he knows...
right here on this court.
Todd learned from me-- | Bling, baby.
Yo, Wheeze, tell them | how me and Todd go back...
like cornrows, man.
So, what's next, cuz?
You gonna get | a crib in Mount Claire?
Nah, l ain't | trying to do that.
l'm trying to stay here | with my peoples.
This is where l belong.
This is where they want me.
Break, break!
Yo, we got next.
Todd Andersen.
What's a rich boy like you | doing around here, man...
trying to play ball with | his hood brothers, man?
Come on. Whatever, man. | lt ain't even like that.
l'm just trying to play | ball with my homeys.
We already got a team, baby.
Some real street ballers, baby.
Nah, nah. Let him play. | Let him play.
He thinks he's the man, trying | to come out here and show off.
Needs to be taught a lesson.
Yo, chill. Why y'all | tripping, man?
We're just trying | to play ball.
Y'all know me. l've been playing | ball here my whole life.
You know what? | l'm tripping, right?
Yo, ''D'' up, man. | $30 million man.
That's what | l'm talking about.
Let's do it, baby. Whatever. | Yo, get over there, man.
Look. Hey.
l need the sneaks.
Yo. Give me your sneakers.
l ain't giving you jack.
What did you say?
Give me your sneakers | right now.
And that goes for all y'all.
Run your sneaks right now.
All right, all right.
My plan's about | to take effect.
Get these sneakers. | Get that.
You got it? You got it? | You got that, Wheeze?
All right, remember | what l taught you now.
Spread your fingers. | You could be something.
Give it to them. | Let's go, boys.
l'm taking your bet!
Give it to him. | Give it to him.
Here, boy.
l know you got me. | l know you got me.
We'll take that. | Your money's good.
Let's go. | Let's go, boys.
What's good?
That's what | l'm talking about.
That's what l'm | talking about!
Play some ''D.''
l know you got me.
l'm talking.
Yo! Hold up!
Yo! What are you | doing, man?
You can't foul me | like that!
What, baby? What?
What?
Keep walking!
We're the real warriors!
You go play ball with | those pimpin' punks!
And leave your ghetto pass | on the way out!
l swear. l never | been no sucker, man.
So what, man? Let's go.
Yo, Todd Andersen. | My main man.
Holler at your boy. | lt's Bling, baby.
Wait. Did he just hit me | with the head nod?
Yeah.
He didn't just hit me | with the head nod?
He straight dissed you.
l told y'all he didn't | know Todd Andersen.
Can we have | our sneakers back?
They're my sneakers now. | Get the sneakers, Wheeze.
Yeah. The sneakers.
Good evening, Madam.
A spot of tea?
Jojo!
Jojo!
What's wrong, baby?
Jojo, what's this white man | doing in my house?
Jeeves? Hey, he's | a gift from Todd.
And that's not all. | Come see.
What the hell?
And he got us | a large-screen TV...
with surround sound | and a picture in a picture.
Hey, l can watch | Sanford and Son...
and Todd play ball | at the same time.
What is that smell?
Neck bones | and collard greens...
per Mr. Andersen's request.
May l be of service | to you, Madam?
Madam? | You don't know me.
My name is Emma...
Lady Em, | or Mrs. Andersen, OK?
You just stay out | of my way.
And most importantly, | stay out of my kitchen!
l don't know about...
no neck bones | and collard greens.
As you wish, | Madam Lady Em.
God, this is insane.
And why is it | so cold in here?
Hey, our brand-new | industrial air conditioner.
Hey, Emma, we don't | have to ever stick...
to the plastic | on the furniture again.
Mr. Jojo, sir.
Whoa!
Neck bones and collard | greens are served.
Thank you, Jeeves.
Just find me | some hot sauce...
and l'll be with you | in a second.
Tabasco | or Red Rooster, sir?
Well, how about | a pinch of each?
Yes, sir.
Well...ha ha ha! | A pinch of each.
These are my flowers. | These are mine.
These are my flowers. | They're my flowers.
This is my house! | My house!
This is great. | l'll take it.
l'll take it. | l'll take it.
This is so exciting!
Your parents are gonna | love this house.
They're gonna be so happy | that you're finally moving out.
Yes! Whoo!
Yeah. l'm sure | my mom's gonna be ecstatic...
about me moving out.
Ha! There's my boy!
Up! Aah!
Damn, you got big.
Hey, look, thanks | for the Jacob, Big Pimpin'.
No problem, Dad.
And how are you, love?
Oh, l'm fine. How are you?
Did Todd tell you | about the house?
What house?
Oh. Well, Todd got, um...
us a house.
lt's beautiful.
Jojo, this is | going too fast.
No, no, no. | Now, JoJo.
lt's going too fast for me.
This is all going | too fast for me!
Baby, the boy is grown.
We knew this was | gonna happen.
And besides, you wouldn't want | one of them hoods out there...
taking a shot at him | out of jealousy, right?
Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Hey, hey.
Wait a minute. Wait here. | Come off him.
Go in there. Go in there. | l need to talk to you.
Ah...God.
l don't know, man.
Son, you need | to slow down.
What? You don't like | all the gifts?
That's not the point. | l'm concerned...
about how you're | spending your money.
Mama, l'm gonna be fine.
l just got off | the phone with Wes.
He said l'll be worth | more than $50 million...
when my contract goes through | and the season starts.
''When.'' | Don't you mean ''if''?
What if you break a leg?
You think it's gonna | be all good then?
And what's this girl...
talking about | ''Bought us a house''?
That girl ain't your wife.
l don't think | she meant it like that.
Yeah. Well, what exactly | did she mean by ''us''?
You planning on | marrying that girl?
l don't...l don't know.
lt's all good. | We...we...
We just like... | We kickin' it, like...
Kickin' it.
What's ''kickin' it'' mean?
Your daddy and l have | been married 25 years.
We ain't never kicked it.
So, what you | want me to do, Ma?
You do what | you want to do.
You're a grown man.
l just wanted to go | on record saying...
that l don't like it.
Come on, Ma.
Mommy, you're still | my number-one lady.
That's never gonna change.
Don't come over here | with all that.
Ma, come on. | OK, look, look.
Let me make it up to you.
Let me make it up to you.
Why don't you decorate | my new house?
Come on. Please. Please.
Now, wait a minute. | Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. | That's an idea.
OK. You know | what l'm saying?
Just do it | the way you do it.
You know how you do, Ma.
Come on, Ma.
l don't want that nasty girl | hanging around up there.
All right. Come here.
Ha ha. With your | big old self.
Ah, l love you, Mommy.
l love you, too, baby.
What did l tell you | about coming around here? Huh?
l told you, | don't come around here...
breaking the rules, right?
l mean, can't you read? | The sign says...
''No soliciting,'' OK?
Now, go and sell your cookies | somewhere else.
What is with these kids? | They push me. They push me.
Wait.
What you got? | Slim mints right there?
Let me get a box | of them slim mints.
All right. Go. Go on. | Get the hell out of here.
l don't want | to catch you around here...
till you come back | with some shortbreads.
Scourge of the nation.
Uh-uh. What?
Hey! Hey, wait! | Come back here!
Come back here! | Don't make me break the glass.
What is this, son-- | a hotel or a house?
A house. A house.
But it has 7 bedrooms | and 10 bathrooms! Whoo!
10 bathrooms?
Why you need 10 bathrooms? | You only got one ass.
-Jojo. | -Sorry.
Todd, honey, you sure | this is the house for you?
l mean, maybe you need | to look a little longer...
find something a little closer | to your parents.
No, no, no. This is it.
This is right.
This is so right.
Come on. | Let's go inside.
Let's look | at it. Come on!
Hey, hey, hey! | What you got, champ?
Come on. Ow! Ow! OK.
Not the face. | Not the face.
Oh, my. Come on. | Come on, Guinevere.
Come on!
Ah! Ah!
Honey! Call Security!
l just saw some Negroes!
What did you say?
l said l just | saw a gang...
You know...yo!
Of Negroes | across the street.
Negroes?
Yes!
And l think they were | hurting a white man.
Good Lord. l'll call | Security at once.
Hold me, Holstead. | Hold me.
Security.
Hold me.
Oh, yes, Judge Crowley. | l understand completely.
l am on it. | l'm on it.
l'll take care of it. | Nope, don't worry about a thing.
All right.
Damn it.
Take care of my baby | first, though.
First got to take care | of my baby.
Ha ha ha! | Hey, this is nice!
Whoo! Damn. | This is big!
Whoo! Hey!
l know where we're gonna be | having our next cookout.
Jojo, come on now.
The boy just | moved in here.
Come on now.
lt's cool, Ma. | This house is for all of us.
Having the cookout here | would be a great idea.
Matter of fact, | let's have it this Saturday.
Excu--excuse me.
ls that a purple diamond?
Oh. Why, yes, it is. | You guys like?
lt's something that me | and Todd picked up.
Oh, you guys, look.
l have matching | earrings, too.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, | they're really nice.
Todd, come on. | We got to talk.
OK. Ma, look, you're | in charge, right?
Do your thing.
The tip from the Crowleys | was correct.
l have a visual | on the suspects.
What are you doing?
What do you mean, | what am l doing?
This house, the cars, | the jewelry, the Brittany.
You can't afford | any of this stuff.
Wes, Wes, Wes, Wes.
l just got | $30 million, man.
l'm rich!
lt's $30 million...
but it's $30 million | spread over 6 years.
You haven't even gotten | a paycheck yet.
The season doesn't start | for another three months.
Hey, l am not fronting you | the cash for this stuff, OK?
Ha ha. Wes, why are | you bugging, man?
Let me enjoy the moment.
Enjoy the moment, | but return this crap.
Yeah. At least until...
l can officially lock in | some endorsements for you.
People just saw me | on national TV...
getting drafted | the other day.
Now they're supposed | to see me returning...
thousands of dollars' | worth of stuff...
like l smoked up | all my money?
l'm not a crackhead, Wes.
You need to get me some | endorsements or something.
All right, l'll get them...
but just hold off | for a while, OK?
l mean, just think | about it, please.
Yo! Who that?
Excuse me. | Can l help you?
OK, OK, OK, buddy.
Just remain calm. | Just calm down.
Subject is being | belligerent.
May have to subdue | with choke hold. Request backup.
Yo, what the hell?
Are you OK, sir?
Just blink once if yes.
l'm fine. l'm fine.
ls he forcing you | to say that?
No.
l live here. | This is my house.
Yeah, right, you live here. | Negro, please.
Look, l got keys--
Hold it!
Don't! Don't!
l'll spray your ass.
Please don't spray his ass.
Lady, lady, this | is his house.
This is Todd Andersen...
New Jersey's | number-one pick.
l'll light his ass up. | Let me look at you.
Oh, that is you, huh?
Yeah.
You look younger in person.
How you doing?
Good. l'm good, actually.
Well, look here. | We don't play...
that ghetto nonsense | around here.
No chicken heads, | no hood rats...
no 40-ouncers...
no rims-on spinners...
and no loud music.
This ain't no Ludacris | video set.
And keep them ho's away.
You don't have | any chicken heads...
or ho's, do you?
Now you want to move | to your parents' house?
lt's looking a lot | better, isn't it?
This is what you got to | deal with out in the...
Oh, she got the Bible.
What is this?
Garden Ridge Estates | Rules and Regulations.
All four volumes.
l suggest | you learn them.
You all right, sir? | l'm sorry to startle you.
You have a lovely day.
-You have a great day. | -Thanks for all your help.
l got my eye on you.
l still see you.
You feel safe now?
Yeah. l'm great.
Come on now. Come on.
Be careful with | them boxes now, baby.
Yo, Ma, this is dope! | You did your thing in here!
You like it, baby?
Yeah, l like it! | This is crazy!
l'm glad you like it.
Come give | your mama a kiss.
Thank you, Mommy.
Look here.
You see how your mama | put all your pictures...
under the glass?
This way, you can look | at all your pictures...
at one time.
Check this out, man.
OK, look. This is my cousin | Leroy right here, right?
He failed the bar nine times.
Still gives legal advice.
Right.
Oh, look. And there goes | Jasper and Jerome.
They are real country.
Who's this little | girl right here...
with the funny- | looking teeth?
Oh, that's | my best friend--Becky.
Yeah. | Oh, that's Becky.
And look here. Now | that's them in the tub.
Whoa. Chill. | We was just cool.
lt wasn't even like that.
Yo, but l wonder if those | braces ever fixed her teeth.
You seen her?
Why? So both of you...
can take a splish-splash | in your brand-new tub?
Oh, come on, baby. | lt wasn't even like that.
Stop. Stop. Come on.
Come on now. That's | enough of all of that.
Come on. We're going | to see the bedroom.
You, come on.
My old bedroom set!
Oh!
Your mother thought | it might help ease...
your transition from moving | out of the house.
Thank you, Mom.
Oh, look.
Little kiddie, | sporty...
Bed sheets. Yay!
Ain't they the bomb?
Maybe we can just wear...
the matching little kiddie | pajamas with it, too.
l'd rather be dead | than sleep in this.
Hello.
Hey, honey. | ls Todd there?
Todd.
Todd.
Todd, get up!
What? What?
The phone is for you.
What's...hello.
Hey, Todd. lt's me--Wes.
You awake, buddy? | l got some good news.
Come on. Get your butt | out of bed.
What's up, man?
Cynthia Peters, the head | of Stone Mountain Wireless,
is interested in meeting you | for an endorsement.
For real?
Yes! She wants | to meet you A.S.A.P.
What? Are you too busy?
No, no, no, no. | l'm available.
l can do it. | Are you serious?
Yes, l'm serious!
l'm gonna have her come | by your house Saturday morning.
Yo, listen, man. | Whenever she can do it...
l'm here. Just do it.
We'll do the meeting...
first thing Saturday morning | with Ms. Peters.
Then you'll have the rest | of the afternoon...
for the cookout | with your parents.
Talk to you later.
l'll see you Saturday. | You're rich! You're rich!
OK, bye. Bye. | Baby, that was Wes.
Stone Mountain Wireless...
is considering me | as a spokesperson...
for their family | time campaign.
Oh, man!
Whoo! One of the reps is | coming over this Saturday...
to meet me, baby.
Oh.
Yo, what did you do | with all my mom's stuff?
Oh, baby, look.
Everything that | your mom tried to do...
was really great | and everything...
but l just think that it was | a little bit too down-home...
and baby, what you need | is a hip, progressive image.
Focus. Focus.
Hey, don't worry | about the house, OK?
Ms. Peters is gonna | be here any second.
You need to sell her on you.
On you, babe.
OK, look. Whatever it takes | to get this deal.
But as soon as she leaves, | l want all this stuff...
back the way it was | before my mom gets here.
And you might want | to return this.
No! That cock cost me | a lot of money to get.
You've got a giant cock | in your kitchen.
lt's ridiculous.
Baby.
l miss you.
l miss you more.
l miss you more.
Lil Dee? | Who the hell is Lil Dee?
What's good, chief?
What was that-- | Public Enemy?
Are you addressing me, | young man?
lf you are, it is | Judge Holstead Crowley...
not chief.
Hey, man, | l'm Todd Andersen...
your new neighbor. | Good to see...
another brother in | the neighborhood, man.
Brother?
You're not any | relations of mine.
O...K.
l just wanted | to come over here...
and invite you | to a cookout.
Thank you for the invitation, | but l will not be coming...
to your...cookout.
And keep it down.
lt's one thing for you | to call me out my name.
lt's a whole nother thing...
for you to call me | some other trick's name.
Don't make me break the glass. | l got to go.
l'll deal with you later.
Hey! Yo! Hey! Hey!
Whoa! Stop!
l'll do the talking, man.
Do l look good?
You look phat.
Step out of the car.
Step out of the car?
l'm not stepping | out of the car.
You're a rent-a-cop, | fool. Ha ha!
A rent-a-cop?
Yeah.
l'll have you know | l passed...
the marksmanship exam | with a perfect score.
l passed the physical | endurance test...
in record time.
And l passed | the written test...
in the top | first percentile.
That's all the way | at the top, OK?
Now, just because | l wasn't able...
to pass some | psychological exam...
don't mean l don't | have no authority.
l'll break the glass | on your ass.
She crazy.
Next time, | at the gate, OK?
Yeah. How stupid.
Don't just | drive through. Stop.
Carry your dumb asses on.
Man, let's get | to cousin Todd's house, man.
Hey, what are | you guys making?
We do not ''make.''
Ham-fisted | day labowers make.
Labow-whats?
Labowers. The workers.
We are artists, yes?
We--poof!--create.
They create.
OK. So, what are | you creating?
Please.
What the heck | is a labower?
l don't know.
Just focus, OK? | Ms. Peters is--
ls here.
Look. Just be cool, | be yourself.
lf you feel like | you're losing her...
tell her some sob story | about how hard life was...
growing up in the hood.
White liberals love | ''the poor kid...
from the ghetto | doing good'' rap...
even though lverson | almost killed it.
All right, relax, smile, | look pretty.
Hello, Ms. Peters. | Come on in.
Ms. Peters, it is so nice | to finally meet you.
The pleasure | is all mine.
l must say...
you have a lovely home, | and l especially like...
the way you've | decorated it.
Thank you.
You were talking | to Todd. Ha ha.
Wes Reilly. | Come on in.
Let's get you | a nice cool beverage, OK?
Did someone just ask | where their bitches are?
What's crackin', | lackey cousin?
Willie, Nelson...
what the hell | are you doing here?
Saturday. We came | for the cookout.
No, no, no, no, no.
Yo, man, where | the grubbles at?
We got the munchies | like a mug, man.
Look, man, forget it.
You don't mind, do you?
No. Go right ahead.
Check this out, baby. | Just like...mmm.
That just tastes, | like, good.
Now, that is good.
Like a nice piece | of white bread. Mmm!
With a little bit | of butter on it.
OK, Wes, we've got to | reschedule this meeting.
Not gonna happen.
Their new ad campaign | is starting this week.
We've got to | lock you in today.
No, no, no. l don't think | you quite understand.
This is just the beginning.
Todd's family is like the | black Beverly Hillbillies.
So unless she's | trying to sell...
pig lips | and some gold teeth...
she's not gonna want him.
You sure you don't | want none of this?
No, no. Really, l'm...
Willie, Nelson...
why don't you come | outside with me?
l want to show you something.
You ain't got to | ask me twice.
Just follow me. | And get up.
All rightie, then.
So, Ms. Peters--
no need | for small talk, OK?
Todd is good-looking. | He's charming. He's likable.
He could sell an ice cube | to an eskimo.
l'm sure he can...
but we're not looking | for a salesman.
What we need is | a young, enthusiastic--
l see Todd done | made some changes.
Yeah. Well, it was all | my idea for the style...
but l just wanted to really | capture Todd's tastes.
Oh, hold up, you guys.
Now, l'm the tour.
Congratulations | on all your new taste.
Mom, l'd like you | to meet Ms. Peters.
Ms. Peters | is considering me...
as a spokesperson | for Stone Mountain phones.
Yes.
Nice to meet you, | Ms. Peters.
You're gonna love Todd.
He's quite the actor.
Even if he doesn't | like something...
you'll think he does.
Hey, guess who we | must have talked up.
Becky.
She stopped me | in the grocery store.
l invited her | to the cookout.
Oh, great. l can't | wait to see her.
Good! Good! Becky's coming!
More visitors! Fantastic!
How does she look?
Did the braces | do anything for her?
You'll see | when she gets here.
You guys are staying | for the cookout, right?
We're having | a cookout today.
Excuse me. l got to get | that grill running.
And this is our-- | l mean Todd's garage.
What do you guys think?
Wouldn't mind | parking in that...
every day | of the week. Man!
You thinking | what l'm thinking?
ls that Todd's bedroom set?
Um...that's the old one.
You see, | we got a new one.
You know, this | endorsement is just...
really important | for Todd and l...
and we just | wanted to make sure...
that we made a good | impression on Ms. Peters.
Brittany, listen, honey.
How would you like | to be a big hit...
with the family | at the cookout?
Really?
No, no, no. | A really big hit.
Goody! A project?
Well, what can l do?
OK. l want you to run | up to Teaneck...
and get me a ham | for my greens.
Will you do that for me?
lsn't Teaneck | like an hour away?
Yeah, that's | an hour away...
but that ham | is Todd's favorite.
And listen here. | lf you go up there...
and get that now...
Todd might buy you | something special.
You think so?
l know he will.
Thank you, Auntie Em. | Anything that you say.
This means so much to me. | You don't even know.
The rooms are upstairs. | Pool's out back.
Make yourselves at home.
And tell Todd | l'll be right back.
Uh-huh. All right. | All right.
Thank you.
Yeah, you go ahead on now.
Dumb-ass.
Doggie. | l see you, doggie.
Pretty doggie.
You are pretty, doggie. | l love you, doggie.
Yo! Get your ass up | off the floor!
Huh?
Get up!
Can l help you fellas?
As a matter of fact, | you can.
Let me get these | cakes and, um...
everything in the register!
l want cash, coins...
food stamps, | everything, man.
Hey, yo, Bling.
Your man is | all over the place.
Not right now, Wheeze.
l'm in the middle | of something.
lt's a nice picture | of him, too.
Let me see this.
Mr. Big Shot.
Yeah. This is good.
Where can l find | this house right here?
Does anybody know | where Todd keeps his lard?
Lard?
Oh, my God. | Oh, l feel dizzy.
Olivier, my temples-- | rub them vigorously.
See what you have done?
What are you doing?
You know, l don't know | who you think you are--
Who l am? | You tell her who l am.
OK. He is Sven from Prague...
internationally | renowned master chef--
mein chefmeister--
child prodigy...
graduate of Le Cordon Bleu...
at age nine.
Now, he is fluent in the | cuisine of over 100 nations...
and known in | the culinary world...
as the Picasso of pate...
the Van Gogh of veal...
and the Michelangelo of meat.
Van hock.
And this is | Lady Em of Newark.
She has been | cleaning chitterlings...
since she was six...
and she is known | throughout the hood...
as the Patti Labelle | of pork...
the Billie Holiday | of hot links...
the Aretha Franklin | of fried chicken.
l cannot work like this!
Olivier...
Dramatic exit.
Wait. Wait. Where | are you guys going?
Sven cannot work | under these conditions!
What conditions?
The woman in the kitchen...
the Patti Labelle of pork--
she is the Coolio | of canned meat.
l'm gonna go talk to her | right now, and it'll be fine.
You guys, please, | please don't leave.
Oh, quickly, go.
Thank you.
This cousin Todd's house?
How y'all doing? | What's up, cousin Todd?
Jasper, Jerome, why? Why?
Here's your ham.
What happened?
Baby, Sven and Olivier left.
They were supposed to cook | brunch for Ms. Peters.
What am l | supposed to do now?
Look, l raised you and half | your cousins on my cooking.
Now, if it's good | enough for them...
it's good enough for her.
Now, y'all get | that animal outside...
and skin him. Go ahead.
You're dropping brain | all over the floor.
Yes, ma'am.
That's our homemade | slip-n-slide.
Pick him up.
Homemade slip-n-slide.
Uh, Brittany.
Yes?
Low-sodium ham?
What's this, baby?
lt's healthier ham, | and it's better for Todd...
because he needs | to stay in shape.
Do you know what | a healthy cookout is?
No, no, no. Don't | answer that question.
Because there's | no such thing...
as a healthy cookout.
Look around this counter.
You see anything healthy?
Look at this.
Chitterlings--sodium.
Macaroni and cheese-- | sodium.
Greens--sodium, | black-eyed peas--sodium...
potato salad--sodium.
Sodium, sodium, | sodium! OK?
And as for Todd...
that boy's eaten | so much sodium...
he could crap a salt lick.
Didn't keep him out of | the pros, now did it?
Little Brittany, | l need a ham.
And l want that ham | to be...what?
Sodium.
With sodium.
OK.
Good girl.
Excuse me.
May l have a glass of--
Ms. Peters!
Help me, Jesus.
Quick now. And don't forget | my cast-iron pot...
because Lady Em gonna try | to outdo my cornbread...
as if she could.
Come on, Ma. | Why does everything...
between you and Auntie Em | have to be a competition?
Honey, there is | no competition...
because l'm better | than she is.
Now get in the house.
Frank, shake a tailfeather.
Give me a hand, Grandpa?
Nope. My hands are | already filled, son.
Ho. Ho. Ho.
Stop right there.
Stop, you, right there.
Look, cut the engine off...
but don't turn off that record. | That's my jam.
Yo, l'm here | to see Todd Andersen.
Oh, no, l don't | think so. He's over.
He's over? What you mean? | He lives here, don't he?
Well, see, regulation 42-B, | subsection 6, clearly states...
that residents are allowed | a limited number of visitors.
You mean to tell me l can't | even see my own cousin?
That's exactly | what l'm saying.
All right, you know what?
Listen up, rent-a-cop.
You don't even have a gun.
You have a flashlight, | all right?
l didn't drive all the way | up here for nothing.
You see these babies | in this car?
They needs a daddy.
A...baller. Swoosh.
So what l'm gonna | need you to do
is run on over to that little | phone booth over there...
pick up that phone, | call my cousin Todd...
and tell him Lil Dee | is at the gate.
Wait. Hold up. | Did you say Lil Dee?
Yes, l did.
Do you know | Marquis Fontaineau?
Light skin | with the good hair?
Yeah, l know him.
You know my daddy?
Aw, hell, no!
Let's roll.
Marquis, l thought you said | you didn't know Lil Dee.
l met her. l seen her. | l seen your damn baby.
l could be wrong, | but l think you're...
getting a little heavy | up on the family.
l mean, a few adds charm...
but this is | starting to look...
like a rerun of Good Times.
Mama couldn't make it.
You know, | her rheumatoid arthritis...
started flaring up | in that left elbow.
So l had to give her | an icy-hot patch.
She said she'd | see you next time.
l told you | to reschedule it, man.
Just go handle Ms. Peters. | l'll take care of this.
All right. All right.
Daddy! Daddy! | Daddy! Daddy!
Um, Todd, do you | want to do something...
about these | little kids here?
l'm not your daddy. No.
Come here!
Nobody knows who | your daddies are.
Now, what do you | call these again?
Chitterlings. | And a cookout...
ain't a cookout | without them.
l hate to ask, but what | exactly is a cookout?
Well, it's when | the family gets together.
You see them out there?
We get together. | We dance.
We grill meat. | We share gossip.
We sing. We can play | dominoes, cards.
We have a good time.
The three f's--
fun...
food...
family.
That ain't right.
Leroy, use a coaster, man.
You're messing up my table.
You left it out here | for public use.
The law says that's | an assumed risk.
You need to stop fronting | like you're a real lawyer...
and pass the bar. Do that.
A real lawyer.
Hey, l know more | than any real lawyer.
l took the bar 15 times. | They only took it once.
Do you know how much | you learn about the law...
when you take it over | and over and over?
Huh? Jojo, when is | that food gonna be ready?
l'm starving.
Aw, man, nice place | Todd got here.
Sure is. Mm-hmm.
l mean, look at the trees.
You know, l planted | a tree once.
Never could get it to grow.
Hey...grass.
l could never get | my lawn this nice.
That's because you're black.
What? l got racist grass?
No. The water company--
they pump low-grade water...
into the black neighborhoods.
That's why you | never see nice lawns...
in black communities.
What the hell | is low-grade water?
ls it possible, Leroy...
that people in the hood, they | can't afford landscapers...
and they save money | on the water...
so they don't water | their lawn as much?
That's what the man | wants you to think.
How far away are we?
You go south | by my thumb...
and you make a right | at my pinkie...
and you go two inches.
Oh, wait. Oh, wait. | l got it upside-down.
This just don't | make no sense.
Give me the damn map.
Let me see. | l got it, Bling.
Wheeze! Wheeze!
l got it! l got it!
Let go! | What you doing, man?
Watch out for the cat.
So she got mad at me...
and she's gonna...
Shut the hell up.
Look what you made | me do to my car!
Sorry.
lf my arm wasn't | numb right now...
l'd knock your head off.
You're confusing me here.
Which way is south?
Hey.
Look at the kitty.
That's a rare species.
Hey, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Hey, kitty, kitty, | kitty, kitty, kitty.
Hey, kitty, kitty--
What the hell | are you doing?
What the hell | are you doing, man?
What happened?
l think he just | farted on me.
What are you talking--
Fool! Get | them sneakers, man!
We're running out | of time over here.
My baby.
Hurry up, man.
You smell that?
What the hell | is that smell?
lt's probably these | stinky-ass sneakers...
you got me | lugging around.
Man, them sneakers | are gonna get us paid.
Man, walk over there, man. | Them sneakers stink.
Look. Right.
Well, give me a leg up.
OK.
Here.
Ready?
Do you see anything?
They're turning | our community...
into a trailer park | in the projects.
Hey! Y'all the neighbors?
Well, come on over | to the cookout.
-No. | -Mmm-mm.
No, come on! Come on!
Eileen...
l'm coming for you.
Wait! Guinevere!
Good afternoon, sir.
How may l help you?
That's my wife.
Jeeves, let him in.
You must be Holstead.
Come on in and join us.
l'm Lady Em. | You can call me Emma.
And this is Lil Dee.
Hey.
And these are her children.
This is Sonny Ray, | Little Ray, D.J...
Sonny D., D.Q.R.S., | Whatever.
So many of you.
lt's so hot in here.
Here's your ham, with all | the salt and the fat...
and the artery-clogging | goodness that you love.
And now my dress | smells like ham.
So excuse me.
Oh, honey.
This is a boneless ham.
Yes. Yes. That is | a boneless ham.
Oh, honey, it's the bone...
that gives the ham | the flavor.
This will never do.
You're kidding, right?
No, l'm not kidding. | Now listen.
You wouldn't want | Todd to lose this deal...
because of the wrong ham | now, would you? Ha ha.
No, l wouldn't.
No, l didn't think so.
Now listen, sweetie.
About 25 miles | down the road there...
there's a good butcher.
Get you a good ham, | all right?
Mm-hmm. All right?
Now, l'm not quite sure...
l understand what | you're getting at.
OK, lady, let me | break it down...
for you, all right?
lf a black cat | crosses your path...
that means what?
Seven years bad luck, | right? All right.
Now, what's slang | for a dude? A cat.
So ergo, i.e., | l am a black cat.
So if l cross your path, | you subliminally think...
that you're gonna | get bad luck.
That is why | my wife left me...
because l'm black.
ls he serious?
Oh, yeah. See, | at every family cookout...
we get caught up | on each other's lives...
no matter how sad they are.
Subliminal messages-- | they're all around us.
You know, like in sports.
Like hockey. Why is there | a bunch of white guys...
smacking a black puck | around the ice?
Why can't the puck | be white?
Well, being in | sports management...
l'd venture to say | that on ice...
a white puck might | be difficult to see.
l'd expect you to say that.
Wait a minute, Leroy. | What about golf?
l mean, the ball is white.
Yeah. You know, | you're right.
And l thought about that.
ln golf, you | got to do what?
Get that white ball | in the hole.
Where's the hole? | On the green.
Green. ''Fertility.''
You see what l'm | getting at here?
Where's that hole? | ln the earth.
Mother earth. | ''Hi, mommy.'' Yeah.
White guys trying to get...
their white balls | in mother earth...
symbolizing how they | want to rape the planet.
l should write a book, man.
''That ham has | too much salt in it.
''No, that ham | has too much bone in it.
No, that ham has | too much pork in it.''
Keep it together.
Now, what you're | gonna do is...
you're gonna go get | the damn ham for her...
and once all these ghetto hood | rats are out of my house...
we're gonna get it fumigated.
Then l will have Todd | all to myself.
What's up, gold digger?
Excuse me...
but l am not in the mood.
You know what? | l'm not even mad.
Game recognize game, honey.
Game recognizes game?
Let me tell you something.
Your game is not up to par | with my game.
What is it, | like, five or six...
Lil Dee-Dees l see | running around here?
And that old-ass | Scooby Doo van...
that you've been | driving around.
Yeah. l seen it.
Now, l drive a brand-new | Mercedes-Benz.
And this is my mansion.
That's all | fine and dandy...
but l catch your | little trifling tail...
trying to play | my cousin...
and l'll cut your ass.
Oh, and by the way...
that tired little dress | you're trying to rock...
we all know | that ain't real.
Pocahontas just | trying to front...
acting like she got | lndian in her family.
Little bit Cherokee.
Cherokee?
Let me tell you something.
You need not worry | about your cousin...
because your cousin | is my problem.
l'm gonna take real | good care of him.
What you need to do | is stop looking...
for your babies' daddies | down at the parole office.
And you, little | ghetto bird...
need to invest | in a diaphragm.
Lookie here, Bling.
Look what we have here.
You fellas need a lift?
Hell, yeah. Come on, Wheeze. | Let's get in.
You know, l don't mind | picking you boys up...
because l know | how it can be.
Right on.
l'm in the horseshit | consignment business...
a manure broker, | if you don't mind.
Basically, l go around | to all the ranches...
l scoop up | the horseshit...
and l sell it to all the | farmers and the landscapers.
This stuff right here.
And if my truck | breaks down...
let me tell you, God...
nobody's gonna | pick up this guy...
because l stink of shit.
You want some?
No.
Good. You OK?
Now, let me | tell you something.
There's a demand | for good-quality shit.
l tell the farmers...
make sure | you feed your horses...
a well-balanced diet.
Any doctor | will tell you...
if you put | good stuff in...
good stuff is definitely | gonna come out.
That's it! Stop the car!
Stop the car!
And don't say | shit else about shit!
Come on, Wheeze! | Get the hell out of here!
Hey.
Dee, you need | to check your kids.
They're scratching up my stairs. | Look at this.
Oh, man, we can't | do nothing over here.
l shouldn't have | never came here.
l should have went | to Lebron James' house.
l know that's right.
Disrespectful.
Boy, you worry | too damn much.
All this running-around | they doing...
they're gonna start dropping | like flies in a minute.
Just chill.
l tried telling her, Todd...
but you know, some people | are just uncivilized.
Leroy, Leroy, look what they did | to my damn bat.
lt's my bat!
l'm coming to get you!
l'm gonna get you!
Grandpa!
Aunt Nettie, could you please | keep these kids out of here?
My agent and l are trying | to do some business.
OK.
Please. Just...
Calm down, honey.
Agent.
Check.
Good job.
Jamal! Jamal! Jamal!
Todd's agent is here, and baby, | if he sees you play...
l know we can get | a contract...
maybe even bigger | than Todd's.
Mom, look. l got | checkmate in one move.
And how many times | l got to tell you?
l'm not trying | to play pro ball.
Well, you just | check that, baby.
Now, l want you | to get dressed now!
No excuses!
Nettie, now Jamal has | a life of his own...
that doesn't include | pro basketball.
We didn't come here | for a tryout.
We came here for a cookout.
When's that food | gonna be ready?
Quiet, Frank!
lf you'd spent more time | teaching your son how to play...
instead of feeding | your face...
l wouldn't even have | to be doing this!
Mama's gonna get | her baby a contract...
whether he | wants one or not!
You, go get | your sweats on!
Now!
The boy ain't even | got a hoop.
Nice and quiet.
Away from all the insanity. | Have a seat.
We are so sorry about | all the distractions.
l assure you, | this family gathering...
was a complete | scheduling mishap.
lt's OK.
l'm rather | enjoying myself.
Are you? lt's fun, right? | Cookouts are fun.
Anyway, let's talk about | the new product launch, OK?
We know that this is very | important for your company...
and we think | that Todd would be...
absolutely perfect. | Picture it--
young rookie, | out on the road...
missing his family...
needing your service | to stay in touch with them.
God!
Stop swinging that bat! | Somebody's gonna get hurt!
Excuse me for a minute, | Ms. Peters.
l'll be right back.
Yeah, yeah.
Foul! Foul! | Y'all saw it!
lt's my bat! My bat!
Grandpa, please, please, | please, not in the house.
Please, not in the house.
Rules! Rules! Rules!
Everybody always | telling kids...
and old folks what to do.
Come on, kids. Let's go.
We'll show them. Come on.
We're going outside | and poo-poo on ourselves.
Oh, God.
Ew...God.
Oh...
l love you, Uncle Todd.
l love you, too, man. Oh...
What's up?
Do you see that poodle?
Whose dog is that?
Yo, l'm gonna give | it some cookies.
Come here, girl.
Give me one, man. | Let me try. Give me one.
Here, man.
l ain't giving my cookie | to no dog, man.
You must be crazy.
OK, this is it, baby. | Take it to the hoop.
Take it to the hoop. | This is it.
Ma, you cannot be serious.
Where am l gonna play ball?
There's no basket in here.
You want a basket?
There's your basket.
''D'' up, Leroy. | No easy buckets.
Well, you don't have | to worry about that...
because l'm already... | l'm up in here.
Up in here, baby. | Don't worry about it.
Come on, boy. | Show me what you got.
Come on.
Come on. | You ready for me?
Don't try to go left. | Don't go left.
l'm telling you--
Yes!
That's my boy! | That's my boy!
Did you see how he | handled that ball?
You cannot tell me that my | baby don't have game.
So, what do you think?
l think...wow. | Oh, my God. l got a call.
You don't know nothing.
My Jamal, he should be | playing in the pros!
Oh, yeah.
That's what | l'm talking about.
You think that's enough | of this in there?
Damn! What | do you want now?
Did you read the rules | and regulations?
Because l can see about | 10 violations in here...
and l ain't even | up in here good.
You are way over the allowed | amount of visitors.
You're too loud.
And do l smell a grill?
Oh, no. You need a permit | to cook outdoors.
lt's just a cookout.
We ain't bothering nobody!
Look, youngblood, | back the hell up.
Now, look, Mr. Andersen...
you better get | your family together...
or your time at Garden Ridge | will be over real soon.
That's it. That's it. | That's it.
Everybody get out! | After this food is done...
get a doggy bag | and get out!
Hey, man, why don't | you calm down, man?
You trippin'.
What is wrong with you? You--
Hey, you hear me talking?
Don't turn | your back on me.
Jojo.
Yeah. lt's | all right, baby.
What's wrong with him?
lt's all right, baby.
lt's OK. lt's all right.
He's gonna be all right.
What's wrong with him?
l hate to interrupt...
but have either of you | seen my dog? Guinevere.
Guinevere.
l've been looking for you.
ln the house, Guinevere.
Oh, no.
ls that | what l think it is?
Yeah.
l'm shocked | at you two young men.
So am l.
We're sorry.
l weep for your generation.
ln my day...
no one would consider baking | with inferior ingredients.
Take the high road, | my sons.
There's no such thing | as an...easy bake.
Light 'em up. | Light 'em up.
l can't feel | my face, man.
Ah, who would | have thought...
that a straight-laced | dude like you...
would enjoy | getting a lift? Man.
l used to like to do | a lot of things...
before l married | Mrs. Crowley--
drink malt liquor...
listen to rap music...
eat Oreo cookies.
Oh, l know that one.
lf she's such | a buzz-kill then...
man, why did you marry her?
lt was a good | business decision.
See, she comes from money...
and where l was raised, | money marries money.
Yeah, but them tits | is nice, too, though, huh?
What about them nipples? | She got some little raisins...
or some nice big gumdrops?
That's my wife | you're talking about.
Oh, my bad, man.
Sorry.
OK.
Gumdrops.
l knew it! l seen them | in her shirt!
You mind if l help?
Knock yourself out.
Oh! Sweet Jesus!
Hey, hey, hey. | Come on.
Let me help. | Let me help.
You'll tear | the thing up.
ls it coming out?
You can put a flower | or something over it.
A flower, Em? | Look at this.
l got to take this | back tomorrow.
$1,200?
Why'd you spend | $1,200 on a dress?
l wanted to be more | fabulous than you, OK?
Nettie, come on. | Come here.
Come on. Sit down.
God, Nettie, | come on now.
When you and me, | we were coming up...
we were tight, | we were close.
Then everything | changed. Everything.
Why?
All the while | we were growing up...
all l ever heard was how | beautiful Emma was...
and how smart Emma was.
Even now, it's like | you're the better parent.
Todd is hosting a cookout | in this castle...
and Jamal can't even get | a pro basketball tryout.
You're acting like...
this is some kind | of competition.
Jamal is top honors | in his class, Nettie.
He's damn near | a straight-A student, OK?
He could be a doctor | or a lawyer.
You ever think about that?
He could change the world.
Wow. Change the world.
Lawyers and doctors | make good money.
Hello.
This ain't no | competition, but...
they make good money.
Miss Becky Cruz.
Hey.
Hey, Lady Em. | Thanks for inviting me.
Hi, baby.
Your mother told me | l'd find you back here.
Cookout's around the back.
Just follow the cigarette burns | and the doo-doo diapers.
You don't recognize me, | do you...Doo-doo head?
Doo-doo head?
Buck teeth, braces, | glasses so thick...
l could see | into the future.
Becky?
Yo. Girl.
Hey.
Sit down. Sit down. | Sit down.
Oh, man.
Damn, girl!
You look... | What happened?
You...you did your thing.
What can l say?
After 10 years in braces...
l guess my teeth finally | decided to cooperate.
The last time | l saw you was...
the cookout that my moms | threw for me and Jamal...
before l went to Rutgers.
Yeah. l just graduated | from Spellman.
Congratulations.
Thanks. l just | moved back home.
l start at dental | school in the fall.
But enough about me.
Look at you.
You've come really far, | Doo-doo head.
Not far enough.
When moms gave word | about this cookout...
my family | started showing up...
faster than roaches | at a garbage strike.
Yo, hurry up. | What's taking you so long?
Yo, Wheeze, hurry up | so we can get out of here.
l almost got it.
Excuse me. What do you | think you're doing?
Come here and shut up.
Aah! Please don't hurt me.
Just drive the car and | nobody will get hurt...
you sexy little self.
OK, l will, but my | boyfriend's really rich.
He'll give you | anything you want.
You just get us | to Garden Ridge.
We'll worry about | your boyfriend later.
Remember about two years ago...
when you were playing | against lndiana State?
You were struggling | the whole game.
That was the worst | game l ever had.
Yeah, l think l was, like...
2 for 8 from | the free-throw line.
Your family had | these big signs up...
with your name on them...
and they stayed up | the entire game...
even when you | were on the bench.
They brought those | signs to every game.
They've always | had your back.
W-wait a minute. | Wait a minute.
So you used to | watch me play?
Don't change the subject.
But...yes.
Just because | we lost touch...
doesn't mean l didn't | check up on you.
l guess l got some | apologizing to do.
Yep.
You know, Becky...
l always, always | thought you were...
really special | to me, and, um...
it was something | l always wanted to do...
but l never | got a chance to--
l wanted to | do that earlier.
Whoo! Yes.
Come on.
Summer. | lt's really summer.
Yeah. Thank you, man.
Ma, those potatoes | you made earlier was banging.
Look, Ma, the stuff | l said earlier--
l love you, too, Todd.
Come here.
l'm sorry, Mom. | l'm sorry.
Jeeves, what | are you doing?
Well, l'm giving | to-go containers...
to your guests, Sir.
Man, put those away.
People only use those | to bring food home...
after a cookout.
Oh. Very good, Sir.
Let's go. Let's go.
l put his ass in check | right quick...
just like l done you.
Plus that stupid gate arm | won't open.
Oh!
Remember, l always | loved you, baby.
Time to break the glass.
You know, l'm... | l'm trying to find...
my husband Holstead.
Have you seen | my husband Holstead?
My husband Holstead? | Excuse me!
Has anybody seen Holstead?
My husband.
Holstead!
What have you done?
What it look like?
l gave me and that bitch | some flavor.
What did l tell you about | using that kind of language...
in front of--Aah!-- | language in front of her?
Have you forgotten | how sensitive she is?
Look here, woman.
Things are gonna | change around here.
l'm tired of you | putting your foot...
on the back of a brother's | neck all the time.
There it is.
Amen, brother.
Don't let her put white balls | in mother earth.
Damn straight.
l've never seen you | like this before.
l mean, you're so proud | and...sexy.
Let's...go home. Now.
Woman, what did l | just tell you?
We go home | when l say so.
All right.
Come on. Let's go.
l know that's right, | Mrs. Crowley.
You better get that.
OK, everybody, | let's say grace.
Todd, you're our host. | Lead us in prayer.
Dear Lord, thank you | for this gathering--
Sir!
A Mr. Big Pimping | Bling-Bling...
and Mr. O.G. Big Wheezer.
What's that smell?
lt's the sneakers...
the funky-ass sneakers | over there.
That don't smell like feet.
lt smells like ass.
Yeah.
Y'all are doing | the damn thing in here, huh?
Corn...
ham...
some chicken...
mac and cheese.
Looks like y'all don't need | no more of that.
Brittany, | what's this trash...
you done brought up | in this house?
l'm sorry. He has a gun.
But, Lady Em, | here's the ham.
lt has bone in it | and everything.
Why is it that every time...
black folks get together | to have a good time...
jokers like you always seem | to mess it up?
Your kind is the reason...
good folk like Todd | leave the neighborhood.
Young man, | you're not welcome here.
Shut the hell up, lady.
Take care of them kids | back there.
That's what you | need to be doing.
Look, man, who are you?
And what the hell are you doing | in my house, man?
Don't act like | you don't know me.
l taught you | everything you know.
Now get your ass | up against the wall...
and sign them sneakers.
Hey, man.
What?
Look over there.
What's she trying... | What's she saying?
All right, Luscious. | l'll see you later.
Todd, are you in | some kind of trouble?
Pop, l don't even know | who these dudes are.
Does this sort of thing | occur frequently?
Oh, yeah. l've been | to many cookouts...
and let me tell you...
this kind of thing | happens all the time.
lt's all part | of the festivities.
You might want | to hide the pearls.
l just want you to know | that Todd and his family...
are all law-abiding | citizens...
and l hope this doesn't | affect your decision...
on giving Todd | the campaign.
You might want to put | your hands back.
Hey, give me | the bat, old man.
Act scared. | lt's kind of fun.
Get your hands off my wood!
This guy, he sort of | reminds me of someone.
ln fact, | remember that guy...
we used to go | to school with...
the one they used to bug?
Percival ass...something.
Get your hands | off my wood, sucker!
Yeah.
Percival?
Percival Assmackey?
Percival Assmackey?
Shut up!
Stop laughing at me!
Shut the hell up! | Stop laughing at me!
You two, stop laughing!
Stop laughing at me!
All right. All right. | All right. All right.
Shut up! | And it's pronounced...
''Assmokee.''
lt's West African!
Y'all think | this is real funny.
Why are we wasting | time with them?
l say we throw | these bums out...
and let's get to eating.
Come on!
Sit your asses down!
Unless you want me | to blow a hole...
in this $30 million | knee of yours.
No!
No!
Brittany.
What the hell | is going on in here?
You're OK. Jamal is here.
Here you are, Sir.
Thank you.
Be careful, Jamal.
You don't know what | you're doing, sweetie.
Ma, yes, l do. l know | exactly what l'm doing.
Look, l've been trying | to tell you, l'm pre-med.
l'm going to medical | school next year.
Ooh, a doctor.
Did somebody say ''doctor''?
Man, enough of this! | l'm sick of y'all!
Shut the hell up!
Wheeze, get on down here.
Get all the cash | and the jewelry.
Get these sneakers signed. | Let's get the hell out of here.
Ah! Freeze!
You don't want | none of this, boy.
That was some | great police work...
apprehending these two.
Thank you, officer. | Glad to be of service.
Yeah. You know what?
l like your attitude.
You seem way too qualified | to be a security guard.
Have you ever considered...
a career in | law enforcement?
All right, everybody!
Deejay Enuff! | Heavy Hitters!
We're about to take it | to the old school!
Let's go! | Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Here we go!
Miss Dee, | why don't you hit me...
with some | of those digits?
l like the way | you rock, Jeeves.
l'm feeling you. Uh! Uh! | Come on. Back it up.
Your family is a trip.
Yes, they are.
-Go, Todd! | -Go, Todd!
-Go, Todd! | -Go, Todd!
-Go, Todd! | -Go, Todd!
-Go, Todd! | -Go, Todd!
Can l talk to you | for a second?
Oh. Ho. Uh-oh. | You're in trouble.
What are you doing | dancing with that girl?
She's not even | cuter than l am.
Who? Becky? | She's my friend.
You hurt yourself | dancing with these people...
you're not gonna get paid...
for the time that | you spend recuperating.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. | ''These people''?
Yeah.
Let me tell you | something. l...
Brittany...
l want to see other people.
ls it something | that l said?
lt's everything you say. | lt's everything you do.
l need somebody l got | more in common with...
like, somebody | l can relate to...
somebody that can | relate to me.
l can relate to you. | l can relate to you.
l can be... | street, you know.
l can be like, | ''Yo, yo, G. What's up?''
You know, l can ride | or dive...thing.
You have no idea...
what l'm talking | about, do you?
No. Please. | Please, baby.
l don't... | l don't want to work...
and l don't want | to pay bills.
l don't want to... | l want the diamonds.
Please, can l keep | the Mercedes...
and the diamonds? Please.
You can keep | the diamonds.
Leave the car keys | in the house...
after you get | your stuff...
and you get out.
Thanks.
Where's the doctor at?
Whoo-hoo! | Todd, we got it!
Yeah! When do we start?
Now.
CQ
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