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Disorderly Orderly The

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Throughout history, there have been men
who have dreamed of being brave and heroic.
Men who have dreamed that there was
no challenge too great for them to undertake.
And when the time came for these dreamers
to actually be brave and heroic...
Ma!
Other men have dreamed of being great heroes,
of conquering the savage forces of nature.
These were men of stamina and superhuman strength.
And when these dreamers were close to final victory...
Oh.
Ma!
History has recorded the exploits of other men, who have dreamed
of distinguishing themselves with great scientific achievements,
dreamed of scaling the heights of pure science,
to give of themselves, their knowledge, their training,
to give their all in an attempt to relieve human suffering.
And when the time came for these dreamers
to put their dreams to the actual test...
Oh, don't make those noises, please.
Anything, but don't make those noises, please.
Ma!
Ma!
But becoming great takes more than just dreaming about it.
All American movies need a hero, so we're stuck with one of these.
But which one will be our hero? Will it be the brave soldier?
Will it be the intrepid mountain climber?
Will it be the noble man of science?
Will the real hero of this movie please fall down?
We have a winner!
This movie is about a man who dreamed of being a doctor,
but unfortunately... Well, you'll see.
Your pills he'll spill Your tray he'll drop
When he picks up your stretcher, it's 2-to-1 you'll flop
You're sick But quick, get out of sight
The disorderly orderly's on duty tonight
He'll bounce your bed And split your splint
And though he's got you screaming, he never gets the hint
You might as well give up the fight
The disorderly orderly's on duty tonight
He'll try so hard to please you
But if you need an ice pack, Watch out, he'll freeze you
A lovely nurse comes to the door
Our hero says, "Excuse me"
And crashes through the floor
You must admit that he's polite
The disorderly orderly's on duty
Tonight
Get a straitjacket ready right away, you understand?
- Right away, you hear me? - Relax. We'll be ready.
- Right away, you hear me? - Relax. We'll be ready.
Jerome Littlefield, come to the receiving entrance.
Jerome Littlefield, come to the receiving entrance.
Bring straitjacket.
I heard you, Nurse Higgins. I heard you on the intercom. Jerome Littlefield.
Yes, sir. Right, front and center. On the way. Here I come now.
Nurse Higgins, you just call and I shall... Excuse me... Appear.
Yeah, we'll hop right to it. You want me, and I'm open.
I came as fast as I could come fast and I brought the...
I may really need the straitjacket if you don't stop jabbering.
I was only trying to tell you that when they...
I know, Jerome. I know you're only trying. That's why I love you,
because you're only always just trying.
Just don't try so hard!
Why do you have to yell? I was only trying to help.
Because that's the only way you hear.
I got good ears. I don't know why you say that.
From both sides. It's in and in. I hear all stuff that goes in.
I hear the teensy-weensiest sounds.
I stay up some nights all night, from laying on a pillow
and hearing the mosquitoes go:
Fine, Jerome. Dandy.
- I'm very happy about your radar ears. - Oh.
Now, will you get out there with that lunatic suit?
Yes, I certainly will, Nurse Higgins. Who are they bringing? Anyone that...?
- I mean... - Fat Jack. He's cracked up again.
Happens every year at option time.
Fat Jack? From television?
My favorite.
He's the funniest. Did you see that show he did? He was so smart.
It was so subtle, trying to put the horseshoe on a dinosaur.
Will you close up and get out of here!
Okay! I'm going!
I'm ready. I got the straitjacket. I'm all ready.
What kind of driving was that? You almost run me all over.
Remember, Dopey, this guy is dangerous.
Now, soon as he comes out, grab him. You ready?
Yeah, I'm ready. I'll grab him.
Fatty Jack.
Wow! Look at Fatty Jackie go.
- Go get him! - Yeah, here I come.
Hey, Fatty Jack! Jackie Fatty! Here, Jackie! Jack Fat!
Hey, Jackie, Jackie Fatty. Fatty Jackie!
Keep everything crossed. Maybe they'll kill each other.
Fat Jack. Fatty.
I watch you on TV all the time. I'm your biggest fan. Fat Jack.
Hi, you watch me on TV, don't you?
Yeah, I watch you on the third rerun, third rerun shows.
- You really like me? - You're the greatest.
I wanna tell you I am the greatest.
- You're very funny. - Big fan?
- Yes, I am. - Are you some crazy nut?
- I'm not a nut. I'm not crazy. - What are you doing here
with that straitjacket there?
Oh, straitjacket. Oh! The straitjacket.
By chance, would that be my size?
You think the straitjacket is for you? Ridiculous.
Well, if it's not for me, it must be for you.
- No! - That means that you're a crazy nut.
Let me tell you another thing, my good boy...
Relax. Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
- Good night, Janet. - Good night, Francine.
Good night.
- Well, where is your dream prince? - He'll be here.
Think of all the psychiatrists who'd like you to share their couch
and you dig that orderly.
You're gonna be late. You'd better hurry.
I know. Your business, not mine.
- Goodbye, Julie. - Good night, Janet.
I said vintage champagne. Did you hear me? Vintage champagne.
- Now, go get some. - Yes, Miss Marlowe.
Oh, you shouldn't be drinking on the job. I know everyone has bad habits.
- Try licorice. It's better for you. - You better fix her TV
- before she explodes. - Yes, I certainly will. Watch out...
Door.
- Did you want me to fix your set? - It's about time. Look at that TV set.
Oh. Well, there's nothing really terribly wrong. It's...
I'm here for a rest.
To cure my exposed nerves, to forget about my fifth husband.
- Yes. - To prepare for my sixth elopement.
- It's gonna be a nice trip. - But inasmuch as I only pay $ 75 a day
for this room, I guess I can't expect the TV set in this only $ 75-a-day room
- to be in working condition! - Well, I don't really think it's a...
I just have to make a minor adjustment and...
- Well, fix it! - Yes, I was on... When you yelled.
It's just a very, very minor detail and adjusting the back will fix the snow.
You'll see.
The snow is terrible. It'll be just...
I'm gonna get in the set and fix the snow. Because it...
That's all. It's just a small, minor adjustment.
I mean, I'm gonna open and adjust. So... Because the snow...
That doesn't help you get a...
It never snows in California, but...
...it's cold.
I can't stop it. Where's the button?
How do you...? The plug. I can't stop it. Where's the plug?
It's snowing. I'll pull the plug.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
- Get out here! - Nurse Higgins!
You are an absolute nincompoop!
Shut that off!
Enter.
Good morning, Dr. Davenport.
Mr. Littlefield. Punctual as usual, I see.
- Yes, well, doctor... - Just lie down, Mr. Littlefield.
- I have to go, you see... - Let's get back to where we left off.
As I recall, you had a dream that your mother had three heads
and you were always ashamed of her at PTA meetings.
Yeah, that was the dream.
That was because all the other mothers had four heads, see,
and they had more places to put their hats.
But I really have to go. I've gotta go to Dr. Howard's office. I'm in trouble.
Dr. Howard's office. That is trouble.
But I'll be back tomorrow morning at the same time, if it's okay with you...
Oh, yes, yes. Do indeed. I can't wait to hear the end of that PTA meeting.
Yes, sir. Thank you.
What we want to accomplish at this meeting is to clear the atmosphere,
to find out where we all stand in this situation.
Well, it was actually all my fault, Dr. Howard.
But I was just fixing the TV set in her room.
It isn't just this time, Jerome. And there's no fault, as such.
It's just that in your overanxiety to do well,
- you just try too hard. - That's what I keep telling Jerome.
I keep telling him. Jerome, that is.
I tell him. "Jerome! Don't try so hard."
I keep saying, "Don't try so hard!"
Just four, everyday, simple English-language words.
Just four ordinary,
everybody-knows type of words!
- Take it easy, Jerome! - Maggie! Maggie!
- Maggie! - Take it easy! Take it easy!
"Take it easy. Take it easy." That's all I say.
- It's all right. - That's all I say. All day. All night.
That's all I say. "Don't try too hard.
"Please, try hard not to try so hard."
It does no good. He doesn't listen to me.
- He never even listens to me! - I'm listening, I'm listening.
And I'm hearing also, hearing also. You know about my keen ears.
I'm awfully sorry, Dr. Howard. I really try. I just can't help it.
- Maybe you'd better fire me. - No.
Why don't you fire me?
Because potentially you're a great doctor. And we need great doctors.
I was thrown out of medical school.
Oh, well, there was a reason for that. Your neurotic identification empathy.
But you'll get over that.
Dr. Davenport tells me you're making progress with him.
Oh, yeah. We're doing fine. I can't get past my mother and her three heads.
Jerome, believe me, you will be a great doctor. Because you love people.
That's why your father was such a great doctor. He loved people.
And people certainly loved him.
Yeah, well, the people I love, they don't love me the same way back.
Now, Jerome, I don't wanna sound like Raymond Massey or Sam Jaffe,
but I am in charge here.
Yes, you're the boss. You're the headman, lady.
And I do have a certain responsibility to the board of directors
and to those that are under me, like... Well, like Nurse Higgins here.
Well, Nurse Higgins is a perfect example.
- I love her, and she hates me back. - Oh, Nurse Higgins does not hate you.
She may get a little perturbed with you because of what...
Miss Blair, would you please?
"April 21 st, the x-ray development department. Jerome..."
Littlefield. Double-exposed four x-ray negatives,
which caused Mr. Brown's liver to wind up in Mrs. Schuman's right ear.
And Mr. Ogg's pancreas
wound up in Mrs. Livermore's esophagus.
Wound up in Mrs. Livermore's esophagus.
Well, I wouldn't have a clown like me around here anyhow.
Jerome, you listen to me.
I have great faith in you.
Now, you continue your sessions with Dr. Davenport
and everything is going to turn out all right.
Thank you, Dr. Howard.
Nurse Higgins?
Well, I was gonna say I'm terribly sorry I upset you.
Perfectly all right, Jerome. I upset easily. Go in peace.
Thank you very much, and I promise I'll try very hard.
I mean, I'll try to not be very... I will not be trying... I just won't try.
And I won't try. I'll just hang out. I won't even be.
You kind of like him, don't you, doctor?
Oh, yes. Yes, I like him very much.
If luck had stayed with me, he might have been my son.
Luck? To have Jerome as a son?
I was in love with his father.
This was taken the day we became engaged.
Every time I look at Jerome, I think of his father.
What a man.
Tell me something. What did Dr. Howard mean when she said
that you had to leave medical school because of your...
...neurotic identification empathy?
Oh, that's just a fancy way of saying
I'm overly sensitive to someone that has pain.
It's nothing more than sympathy pains.
Everybody gets them, but it's bad for a doctor.
I mean, I wouldn't do anyone any good.
You know, I start to feel what they're feeling, their symptoms,
and while I'm diagnosing them, I feel what they feel
and before you know it, I'm sicker than they are.
What do you think can be done about it?
I don't know. That's why I'm seeing Dr. Davenport.
He's trying to find out why I am that way.
Well, why does he think that you're that way?
Well, it's something to do with a love frustration. I don't know.
But I certainly am not about to be a doctor with this thing.
You're the only doctor that can cure me.
- Oh, be careful. - Yes, I'm watching.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh. Oh, my goodness.
- Don't worry. - All right.
Morning, Mrs. Fuzzyby. How do you feel today?
Well, just fine, except for the bile in my gallbladder.
You see, my gallbladder is perforated. It's full of these itsy-bitsy, weeny holes,
which means that the bile keeps coming through my gallbladder,
dripping through my gallbladder through these
itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny holes. It's a sieve.
All day and all night long, it just keeps dripping, dripping,
dripping, dripping into my stomach, where it mixes with the acid,
which Doctor Smathers tells me is generating constantly
in my poor, sick intestines.
Now, when the leaking bile mixes with the stomach acid, oh, it's murder.
And then it really gets terrible. I start gagging. I can't get my breath,
because all that bile keeps rising into my throat
and I just can't breathe.
But I guess I'll live long enough to suffer even more.
Well, I'll see you later, Millicent. Push on, boy.
Oh, didn't you hear me? Push on, orderly.
Well, what's the matter with you? You look sick.
- I'm all right. - Well, don't dilly-dally.
Push on, push, push. Mush, mush.
- Hello, Mr. Welles. - Oh, hello.
How's your leg, Mr. Welles?
It's pretty bad. You see, when they put the...
See? You should have seen my leg when it was broken in four places.
Oh, the pain was agonizing. My shinbone was broken
and it was sticking out through my flesh.
They had to take 89 stitches in my right leg.
And then the marrow in my bones dried up
and I couldn't walk for over two years.
Well, it's nice to see you again, Mr. Welles. See you around.
- Drive on, boy. - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, bile. Oh, bile. - What did you say?
"Bye-bye," I was singing. "Bye-bye."
- Hi, Mrs. Fuzzyby. - Oh, how do you feel, Mrs. Fuzzyby?
Don't tell them, Mrs. Fuzzyby. Do me a favor. Just don't...
- What are you talking about? - There's no point in...
- Will you please be quiet. - Yes...
- Now, we were saying? - We were wondering
- how you were feeling. - Your back acting up again?
Oh, my back. Well, I'll tell you about my back.
Last night my...
- Orderly. - Yes, ma'am.
- Be quiet, I'm talking. - Yes.
Now, my back...
Actually, my poor back started with my poor kidneys.
You know, of course, that I have the weakest kidneys...
Tell them about your back, Mrs. Fuzzyby.
Why don't you tell them about your nose.
The bad nose, the break in the ball game...
The leg was a beauty. The leg was marvelous. A hanging leg.
She had the greatest hanging...
The skin... Remember the skin graft? That was a doozy.
Tell them... Please, Mrs. Fuzzyby, don't...
- Will you be quiet?! - I'm gonna shut.
Now, I was telling you about my kidneys.
I actually have the weakest kidneys of anyone in the hospital.
Dr. Smathers told me himself.
He said, "Mrs. Fuzzyby, you have the weakest kidneys I have ever seen.
"Of all the years I've been in this business,
"I've never seen weaker kidneys."
Now, the x-rays of my kidneys show that they really, truly
are the weakest kidneys of anyone.
Anyone, not only in this hospital,
but the weakest kidneys of any other hospital.
Even Dr. Smathers says:
"Mrs. Fuzzyby, you have the weakest kidneys.
"Not only are they small, but they're weak.
"Oh, the poor things are so weak."
We brought her here because it was closer and faster
than waiting for an ambulance from General.
We picked her up at 16321/2 Landers Street.
That's a third-rate rooming house.
No identification, no driver's license.
Laundry marks are all ripped out of her clothing.
We're checking her fingerprints.
She moved in last night. The landlady said she was obviously disturbed.
She called us right after the kid took the overdose.
Oh, she left a note too.
"I don't want to live without love." That's it.
"I don't want to live without love."
Yeah, that's it, all right.
Well, we'll take care of her.
Miss Blair, will you see how she's getting along?
- Oh, excuse me. I was just... - Listening?
Well, I was wondering about Susan and, I mean...
Emergency. Dr. Howard would like a report on the unidentified girl.
One moment, I'll ask Dr. Smathers.
She's gonna make it.
She'll be all right.
She'll be all right. Thank you.
You did good.
How do you feel?
Awful.
- Where am I? - You're in Whitestone Sanitarium.
How did I get here?
Don't worry, we're going to take good care of you.
You'll take good care of me. That'll be a first.
What's that for, a funeral?
Mine?
No. Someone hopes that you'll get well.
Who hopes?
Who knows I'm here?
Well, I don't know.
Go on. Read it.
Is that funny?
What kind of place is this?
- I wanna get out of here. - Please.
Take it easy. Relax. Please.
Look, try to relax. Just... Just... Just take it easy, please.
I'll get the doctor.
- Laundry pickup. - Good morning, Jerome.
- It's over there. - Good morning. Thank you.
You're new here, aren't you, miss?
Then I hope you like it here.
- Will I see you again? - I'm the orderly on this shift.
Will I see you again?
Well, yes, you will.
Then I won't like it here. Beat it.
Jerome was just being friendly.
I have had it up to here with friendly men.
Hello, kids. You want I suggest something good?
Like roast beef, string beans, nice baked potato.
Arigato. Sukiyaki very, very good.
I fix up... I fix up for you. Very, very nice.
- I fix up for you. Sukiyaki, yeah? - No.
Well, then, you gotta eat the only thing we got over here: Spaghetti.
Well, that's what we came here for, spaghetti.
Well, you got it.
And there we are. Now, I never saw a more beautiful plate in me life.
- Move all these things. - Have yourself a ball
Oh, that's very hot.
Now we're getting to it. I'm so hungry.
- I think that I'll do without. - Yes.
It's...
Oh, do you like the music that I selected?
That was a favorite of my father's.
He used to sing it to me when I was just a kid.
You loved your father, didn't you?
Love you can't help.
But I also respected and admired my father.
Respect and admiration you have to earn.
Who else have you ever loved?
Oh, well, I loved his wife. She was like a mother to me.
Anybody else?
It's none of my business anyway.
Besides, I...
I can't be trusted.
What do you mean? I trust you.
Well, you shouldn't trust me.
You shouldn't go around trusting people who read other people's mail.
Is that spaghetti sauce getting to you? What's...?
Well, I did. The day that you took the note and the rose to that girl's room.
I followed you.
And when you left, I...
I sneaked in and I read it.
You... You said that you loved her and...
Oh, you're right, that spaghetti sauce sure has gotten to me.
Julie, wait a minute. Julie.
Julie, wait a minute.
You know, I just decided.
I think I'll go on a trip.
Maybe I could...
I'm sorry.
Julie, why did you read that note?
Because you knew her name was Susan.
Because you knew who she was before anybody else did.
And because... you love her.
Does she love you?
She doesn't even know I'm alive.
And if you don't say anything, she never will.
Now, let's get back to the spaghetti sauce, huh?
- But I don't understand. - I don't either.
Hair.
Come on, Mr. Bryant. Just take it easy.
Take it easy. The sun's gonna be very good to you, Mr. Bryant.
Particularly since you're just out of traction.
But we'll find a nice, shady spot for you
and you'll sit and get the sun.
Easy, Mr. Bryant.
Hold it right there. Nice, Mr. Bryant.
Stay right there, and I'll get a nice easy chair
and you'll sit here in the sun.
Stay right... Stay right there, Mr. Bryant.
I'll get... I'll get you a comfortable chair.
Here's a perfect chair for you, right here. I missed...
This is the one that you'll sit in the shade, and you'll bake.
Here you are, Mr. Bryant.
A real nice chair for you to relax.
And after you sit nice in the sun, we'll get lotion so you don't burn.
You'll see this chair... We'll get it open for you.
And you finally can sit.
Mr. Bryant.
He's going down the hill!
Mr. Bryant! Mr. Bryant. I'll get you.
Oh, don't worry. Watch out for that...
There's a doozy. Look out for that rock. I'll get you.
Mr. Bryant! Don't worry. I'm... I'm coming.
Mr. Bryant! Mr. Bryant!
Don't worry, Mr. Bryant. I'll get you.
I'm coming, Mr. Bryant.
Mr. Bryant. I'll get you! Don't worry.
Mr. Bryant! Mr. Bryant!
Come on out. Mr. Bryant?
I lost a patient.
Mr. Bryant, would you come out, please?
Mr. Bryant! He was in...
How do you lose a whole...? Mr...
I lost a grown... He was...
I knew they had an operation, and they took out... But I didn't think that...
Mr. Bryant!
- Dr. Howard? - Yes, Miss Blair?
Dr. Howard, it's time for the board meeting.
Thank you, Miss Blair. I'll be right there.
You're moving fast today.
I'd better move fast today, or you may have a new boss.
Oh, one of those meetings.
Whenever Mr. Tuffington calls a meeting, it's one of those meetings.
- Oh, hello. - Who are you,
- one of the mental patients? - No. I'm an orderly, sir.
Jerome Littlefield. I'm an orderly.
- Do you know who I am? - Yes, sir.
You're president of the board of this sanitarium, Mr. Tuffington.
And do you know that I can fire you just like that?
Yes, I know you can do that.
And do you know that not only can I fire you,
but I can keep you from working in any other hospital?!
Yeah, I know that too, sir. You're a very important man.
All right. Out of my way.
Do you know I can have you fired out of here just like that?
Like that! Fired! Out! Vamoose!
Scram! Over the hill!
Like that!
If I wanna...
Like that! Well, don't just stand there, do something.
That's it.
Can the president of the board of a hospital do that?
Do that?
Do that!
Mr. Tuffington, every year since I've been in charge here
your profits have increased.
True, Dr. Howard. True.
But we just expected more this year.
Now, I know that we can't go too far in robbing the sick
or we'd get in trouble like that book
exposing the costs of funerals and cemetery fees.
Wow! We... We don't need an exposé in this racket.
The markup on pills and medicines, man, they'd crucify us.
No, all we want is all that the traffic will bear.
Now, is that our policy or not?
That is our policy, doctor.
Now, you remember when we had the survey made
to ascertain which illness was the most profitable?
I remember.
We discovered that there was more profit in mental illness
than in physical illness.
So we ordered another survey.
And we discovered that the largest concentration of mental nuts
was in show business.
Yes, the people in show business were actually 22 percent crazier
than those in the government business,
who had previously been considered the nuttiest.
And so we directed all our energies
to attracting those in the movies and television.
Television.
There's a fortune for us in television.
Crazy actors, crazy sponsors.
It's wild, men. Wild.
Speaking of television, you realize, of course, that we have Fat Jack here.
And we also have Fat Jack's agent's mother-in-law here.
And a vice president of one of the largest networks
is locked up in our psychiatric ward.
I am not underestimating your accomplishments, doctor.
We also have several television sponsors under psychiatric treatment.
All hopeless cases.
The president of the Popping and Crunching Breakfast Food Company...
Please, Dr. Howard. Please.
Yes, well, just so you know.
I know, but we should have more nuts in this place.
Do you realize that this whole country is cracking up?
Why, ever since the government had the honesty
to come out and state that cigarettes are dangerous,
people are going crazy smoking,
because they know that it's bad for them.
And everyone who smokes is a mental case.
This hospital has to have its share of America's nuts! It's patriotic.
But we haven't had a vacant bed. We're completely filled.
Yes.
Yes, I know.
But last Wednesday, Sam Levitt,
the famous voice of Lumpy Snooty Oink Oink,
the cartoon pig on television's prime time,
was refused admittance to this sanitarium.
Because we had no vacant beds.
Yes, but we have a non-paying guest occupying one of our beds.
A Miss Andrews. Miss... Miss Susan Andrews.
You know our policy: No money, no bed.
Get that pauper out of this institution. Do you understand?
No money, no bed. I understand.
Good day, gentlemen.
Mr. Tuffington.
Roll over. Roll...
Roll over, please.
- Nurse Higgins? - Did you find that moron yet?
- Yes, I did. - Doesn't he know we're short-handed?
- Now, where was he? - He overslept.
- Overslept? - But he is serving breakfast now.
Well, it's about time. On your way.
Overslept.
Roll over, please.
You can move over now.
Move over, will you?!
Drat!
Good morning Lovely day
Pretty flowers from my garden
Good morning Lovely day
Pretty flowers from my garden
- Bonjour - Bonjour
Voila-la
J'ai I'étoile de bonjour
Good morning, Mr. Mealy!
I notice on the door you're Milton M. Mealy.
I am your orderly on this shift, Jerome Littlefield.
Up, up, up. Sandman working overtime last night?
Look what we have for Mr. Mealy this morning!
We have num-nums.
Isn't that goody good good? Num-nums.
We have oatmeal. Lumpy, lumpy oatmeal.
Eggs, toast, Eggos, coffee. Is that marvelous?
Lumpy, lumpy oatmeal. Is that wonderful?
Not before we brush our teeth. Not before we clean ourselves.
Not before we brush our teeth We brush, brush, brush, brush
Here we are. Sit nicely.
This is the way we brush our teeth
Brush our teeth Brush our teeth
And this is the way we brush...
All right, where are they?
Mr. Mealy?
They're in the glass.
His... Are in the glass.
I didn't know. They're in the... Did you know?
Did you know they were...? He didn't know.
They're in the glass.
Your teeth are in the...
Well, I'd better... You don't need this, then.
No wonder they're in the glass. He has strong gums.
Well, I didn't know, Mr. Mealy.
I mean, I never...
Don't be unkind, Mr. Mealy.
Your face contour was such a handsomeness.
You were a dream, adorable, and I never imagined...
But you could try some of this. It's soft.
Lumpy, lump, lump oatmeal.
That's very soft to chew, but don't...
You should chew it. Don't look like...
Don't look like you're gonna be... Oh, don't, Mr. Mealy!
No, no, no.
Oh, Nurse Higgins.
You're full of... stuff.
I'm sorry, Nurse Higgins.
Mr. Mealy, he was...
There's some...
You could be a colonel, with...
No.
It wasn't my... Let me take...
You see, I... I had brought him...
...the breakfast. Well, don't... Don't cry.
I still have his toothbrush.
I know. I'm...
I'm... Oh, don't cry.
Well, he threw it, that louse...
Yeah, I know.
Here, does that make it better? I'll have some.
Yours aren't in a glass.
No, that's not good enough...
Well, I... I better... You...
I can get this pressed for you.
Don't be mad at me. That...
Orderlies' locker room. Jerome Littlefield speaking.
- Hello. - Oh, hi, Julie.
Before I decide on which of the many offers I have to go out tonight,
I kind of thought I'd like to hear yours.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but I'm on duty tonight, Julie.
- But have a good time. - I'll try.
Goodbye.
Are you okay?
I'm fine.
I just didn't know Jerome was on duty tonight.
Thanks, Maggie.
Go! Go! Go!
Stand up and cheer for Quimby
Hail the orange and white
We are here for Here to cheer for Quimby
Fight!
Stand up and cheer for Quimby
As we rout the foe
Strong and fearless Proud and peerless
Go! Go! Go!
Stand up and cheer for Quimby
Hail the orange and white
We are here for Here to cheer for
Quimby High!
Stand up and cheer for Quimby
As we rout the foe
Go, men!
Who's in here?
I want to speak to Dr. Howard, please.
Susan is a disturbed personality.
And anything that causes her an additional disturbance is harm.
Jerome.
I'm not prying, but can I do anything for you?
Well, there's no point in my saying "don't let it happen again",
because it can't. Susan is going to leave here today.
But, Dr. Howard,
she's not... She's not anywhere near through with her treatments.
This is not a charity hospital, Jerome,
as I have recently and forcibly been reminded.
I've no choice but to let her go.
No money, no bed.
She might take those pills again.
Well, what can I do?
Well, Dr. Howard, if... If she can pay, she can stay, right?
The girl has no money.
Well, I'll pay her bills.
You? Oh, Jerome. How can you?
Well, I'll earn it. I mean, I'll... I'll work.
In my spare time, I'll get some extra jobs.
And I'll work on the weekends and on my days off, I'll stay on.
I'll pay and... All the bills and... Well, money is money, right?
Right.
But this is more than money that you're giving.
Well, then, it's a deal. And you won't say anything to her.
She'll never know that it's me. Right, doc?
She means a lot to you, doesn't she?
Dr. Howard, did you ever know anyone in your life you just...
...couldn't get over?
I knew someone just like that once.
- Janet. - Hi, Jerome.
Miss Andrews.
Well. Goon boy. If it isn't the gooney goon boy.
Say, freak, I miss you.
You know, I like it when you come sneaking around my room.
When can I expect you again, huh?
I'll be sure and wear my low-cut,
high-rise, black negligee, huh? And make it more exciting
- Come on, Susan. - For you, huh?
- You crummy peeping Tom. - Come on, Susan.
Say, what kind of a place is this anyway, huh?
They're supposed to make you well in there,
while he hangs around making you sick.
- What's going on? - You wanna know what's wrong?
He's what's wrong. The creep here. Look at him. He's what's wrong.
- Now, let's come back inside. - Oh, no. Not me. I'm fine.
I'm perfectly normal compared to jerk here.
You better work on him, doc.
He'll wear out your couch before you get through with him.
- Jerome. - Yeah? Oh.
Oh, yes, Dr. Howard?
You're sure you're not too tired to carry those?
No, thank you. I'm fine.
Well, you know, you've worked all your days off
and every weekend for the last three months.
But I'm fine. Honest.
I just wanted to be sure.
Now, remember, you take the female skeleton
to Dr. Dorian Dimittie in Radiology.
And you take the male skeleton to Dr. Thomas Minifee.
Yeah, I take the girl skeleton to Dr. Thomas Diminin.
No. Dr. Dorian Dimittie.
Yeah, and I take the boy skeleton
over to Dr. Walter Muminin in Radiomusculal.
That's correct.
Oh. Yeah. Oh, yes.
- Oh, Dr. Howard. - Yes.
Suppose I mix up the skeletons.
How am I gonna know the girl bones from the boy bones?
Jerome.
You mean to say you don't know the difference between boys and girls?
Oh, yeah, I know the difference.
Except I know girls better when they're upholstered.
"When they're upholstered"! Hey, that's not bad.
You can tell girls better when they're upholstered.
Up, up, up, up. Walk like everybody else.
Good day, there
No, he's all right. Don't worry about him. Good day!
"Fall in love", they say.
"Then you'll learn what living really is.
"Fall in love. Get married."
Sure.
Get married.
It's a one-way ticket to "and happily ever after".
It's a one-way ticket to nothing.
Well, how about my parents? They were married.
Although all I can remember about them...
...is how they used to scream at each other.
But that was them, and me, I was me.
Everything would be different with me.
Me, the most popular girl in school.
And my boyfriend was the most popular boy.
We were a perfect pair, everybody said.
Perfect pair.
I was the perfect idiot.
I did everything for him...
...and he did everything to me.
You know, love does more harm than all the atom bombs.
And they're trying to ban the bomb.
Poor bomb.
At least it looks pretty when it breaks up.
Hey, doctor, do you suppose that I'm the victim of fallout?
Romantic fallout?
What a marriage.
He was playing around with other girls...
...before I'd even combed the rice out of my hair.
So...
...I took pills.
So...
...I hate him.
I hate men.
So I want to die.
So what?
So what?
Who cares?
So just sit there and don't say anything.
Go on, don't say anything. I don't care.
Because if nobody else gives a damn about me,
why should I give a damn about myself?
Somebody does give a damn about you.
Oh, well, well, well.
It talks.
Yes, it talks.
Say, let's talk, huh? What'll we talk about?
I'd like to tell you a story.
A story? Oh, that's wonderful. What kind of story?
It's a story about love and loving.
Oh, that sounds marvelous, doctor.
Tell me, will you break in with soap commercials?
- Just lie down, Miss Andrews, please. - Why, sure.
Start the organ music, doctor. Oh, I can't wait.
A love story. Oh, goody.
- Does it have a happy ending, doctor? - I don't know. It isn't over yet.
This is the story about a young man who really cared for a girl.
The girl was in trouble
and the young man had to earn more money than he'd ever seen
in order to take care of her.
He worked night and day. He did everything and anything.
No job was too menial, no job was beneath him.
He had no pride where this girl was concerned.
He cared for her...
... fully...
... wholly...
... completely. He had a heart of gold, housewife's' knees
and detergent hands.
This boy was energetic whether he had energy or not.
If he could have had children,
he would have made some man a perfect wife.
Even if he could tell time,
he didn't have any time to tell time.
If there had been a prize for growing calluses,
he would have been Mr. America.
Then finally came the day he was able to quit work and take a rest...
... without pay.
Wait. Mist... Wait, Mr. Tuff...
- Wait, mister... - Yes!
Get out of here!
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Tuffington, Mr...
Oh, the board of presidents. I'm awfully...
Shut up!
- I'm awfully sorry. Yes, I'll shut up. - Don't you move.
You stay right where you are.
- Oh, yes, I won't... - You hear?
Yes, I hear. I won't move. I'm gonna stay right where I am.
- Mr. Tuffington. - And Jerome.
...anything, sir?
I'm not going to fire you,
- because I'm going to kill you! - Oh, no!
- Mr. Tuffington! - Oh, please, don't...
Mr. Tuffington, you leave that boy alone.
- Leave me alone. - Take your hands off of him.
Dr. Howard, are you taking his side?!
Well, I know Jerome wouldn't do anything wrong.
- No. - Well, he's fired!
And do you know what, Dr. Howard?
You're fired too!
As of the end of this week, you are through, do you hear?!
I hear you, Mr. Tuffington.
Did you hurt yourself, Mr. Tuffington?
My ankle is sprained.
Which? Well, let me take this shoe off.
- You'd better go, Jerome. - Well, I'm awfully sorry
I lost your job for you, Dr. Howard.
I'm glad it happened. Now I can be honest again.
- Goodbye, Jerome, goodbye. - Yeah, goodbye, Dr. Howard.
Listen, just take it easy and we'll have a stretcher for you, now.
Jerome.
Whenever I see people carrying suitcases,
I figure they must be going somewhere.
- Oh, yeah. - Leaving?
Yeah.
- And I'm in a hurry. - So am I.
- "So am l" what? - In a hurry...
To say thank you for being so good to me.
And in a hurry to ask you to please forgive me for acting the way I did.
Well, they shouldn't have told you, and you certainly needn't thank me.
I wanted to do it. So long, Susan.
Where are we going?
- We? - We, if you want me.
If I want you?
We can be a "we".
I'm yours, if you want me.
You feel all right?
I feel something. I don't know if it's all right or not.
"I'm yours if you want me." You said that or didn't you?
- Yes. I just said that. - You said it because you're grateful.
Yes, I am grateful, now...
...but in time I'll learn to love you...
...because you're good and you're kind.
It won't be hard to love you.
It's funny.
What's funny?
Ever since the day I first saw you, way back in high school,
I dreamed of when you'd kiss me.
And then that one time, when I saw someone kissing you, I thought I'd die.
And just now...
It's funny and...
And?
Would you mind...? Wait a moment.
There. Could I try this again?
- Once? - Of course.
That's what's funny.
What?
Well, it should be, and it isn't, the Fourth of July.
I can see it isn't the Fourth of July.
No, I mean it should be the Fourth of July.
You know, with Roman candles...
And skyrockets...
And firecrackers...
- And, well, you know... - Know what?
Well, you know I love you.
I've always loved you.
But I don't think I am in love with you.
Well... Well, wait, let's not get hasty. Let me... Let me try this part.
- Could I again, once? - Yes, you have to be sure.
Yeah, you don't fool with lips and stuff that...
July third, maybe?
Well, let's...
- One more shot at it. - Be my guest.
Okay.
Also have to start with the...
No.
No, I... I don't think we make it together.
Well, don't destroy my ego completely.
Let me try.
- Oh, may I? - Yeah.
Oh, it's all right. Have a go at it, if you like.
Sorry. No-go.
No-go?
No, but you... But you made me feel good, I mean...
I gotta say that. And you made my heart lighter.
It's as though I unloaded a heavy burden I've been carrying
for a long, long time.
Like the psychiatrist said, I've been carrying this burden, a hidden burden.
Hey!
Could...? You think...? You think you could have cured me?
You... I mean, do you suppose I'm cured?
Hey, maybe I could still be a doctor.
And if I am, it's all on account of you. I can still be a doctor.
I'll treat you free. You and your kids, when you have them. Free.
So long... Susan.
Mrs. Fuzzyby! Mrs. Fuzzyby!
Mrs. Fuzzyby!
Mrs. Fuzzyby! Mrs. Fuzzyby!
Mrs. Fuzzyby! Mrs. Fuzzyby!
Mrs. Fuzzyby! Mrs. Fuzzy...
Mrs. Bushyfuzz!
- Oh, what does that fool orderly want? - Mrs. Fuzzyby!
Here I am, fool orderly!
Oh, Mrs. Fuzzyby. Mrs. Fuzzyby.
Mrs. Fuzzyby! Oh, Mrs. Fuzzyby!
- Tell me about your gallbladder. - My gallbladder?
Oh, yeah, tell me about your gorgeous, lovely, bladdy ball gall.
Why, you darling, darling boy. Are you worried about my gallbladder?
Oh, I really am, like you don't... I love that gall...
- Tell me your bladder story. - Oh, well, I tell you, the bile, it drips.
It drips all day and it drips all night.
Just drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip.
And then when it stops, it starts all over again.
Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip.
Yeah, what about the acid backing up into the stomach
- and the fluid being mixed? - Oh, my stomach pain is intense.
My intestines are like a blast furnace in August.
- A blast furnace in August! - Yes!
Marvelous! What about the choking and gagging? Give me a shot
- at the choking and gagging. - And then the bile
and the acid rises up into my throat, and I start gagging and choking
and choking and choking
- and after I've stopped choking... - Marvelous.
Now what I'd like to know... Would you just tell me, please?
- I haven't finished with the choking. - Forget the choking.
Let's get on to the bad-leg story. Tell me about the four-part break...
Well, you know, of course, that my leg was so badly broken
that the bone was sticking out through the skin.
Why, I couldn't walk. The pain was killing.
Yeah, all right. I... Now... Now, this is it, now.
Mrs. Fuzzyby, this is the big momu, mama.
Gung ho! And get set for this.
Tell me, but...
Cool it and let her rip.
- The kidney. - Oh, my kidneys!
Well, everyone knows that I have the weakest kidneys.
No one has kidneys weaker than I.
Even Dr. Smathers said, "Mrs. Fuzzyby,
"you have the weakest, weakest kidneys."
Not only are they small, but they're weak.
Oh, the poor things are so weak.
Freedom!
Free! Unchained by the naturalistic faith of... Oh.
I'm cured! Julie! Julie, I kicked it! I'm cured, Julie! I'm free! Free!
I don't wanna go to General! I want to stay here!
Well, that's unfortunate.
But you have no money with you and you know our policy:
"No money, no bed."
Where is she? I just came from her quarters. They said she was gone.
She's gone. She quit.
Well, where did she quit? I mean, where did she gone... Go?
I mean, I love her.
Love her? And that's why you're out there kissing one of the patients?
Oh, Susan? That's how I found out I loved Julie.
Julie's the Fourth of July, don't you understand?
No. I never did understand you.
Well, I never meant that... Well...
She's going home. She's on her way to the airport.
- Oh, well, thanks. Then I'll go get her. - Hurry.
I don't want to go to General! I want to stay here!
I want to stay in my own hospital.
Don't just stand there, bring back that ambulance!
- What's wrong? - Somebody just stole the ambulance.
- That must be Jerome. - What did you say?
- Jerome. He's after Julie. - Oh, no. Tuffington's inside.
Great Scott!
- Can you drive an ambulance? - In the Army, I drove a tank. Nicely.
- Come on, let's go. - Oh, all right.
- Look out, you'll hit the interns! - Don't worry. They're young.
See how they jumped?
I hope he doesn't have a bad accident.
Have a bad accident? He is a bad accident.
Let me out of here!
Mr. Tuffington, what are you doing there?
- Stop this ambulance immediately! - You can't yell at me, I'm fired.
- You're... You're hired again. - Does that go for Dr. Howard too?
Yes, she's hired again. Now, stop this ambulance immediately!
Yes, sir.
Oh, friction. Burning.
How's that for stopping, Mr. Tuffington!
Help! Help! Help!
Mr. Tuffington. Mr. Tuffington!
Mr. Tuffington.
Come back! Mr. Tuffington!
Mr. Tuffington!
Maggie, look!
I never saw him move so fast.
Mr. Tuffington!
Get out of the way, you idiot!
Oh, no!
Oh, wait a minute, Mr. Tuffington. Stop!
Jerome!
Jerome! Wait a minute!
It's Julie!
- Julie. - Oh, Julie. Oh, Julie, are you all right?
I get so nervous when I'm after that Jerome. He's such an idiot.
- Help! - Mr. Tuffington.
- Help! Help! - Mr. Tuffington! Duck, duck!
Help!
Oh, no!
So much air will come out... I got four nostrils.
- Are you all right, Julie? - Oh. Yes.
Yes, I'm fine.
Julie! Julie, it's me!
- Why don't we stop and pick him up? - We can't.
We gotta get Tuffington first.
He owes me severance pay.
Julie! Wait for me, Julie!
- I apologize! - You know,
I could swear I hear Jerome.
Julie, I love...
I knew I heard Jerome.
Oh, look out!
Jerome!
Jerome!
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Jerome. Jerome!
Isn't that nice? Mr. Tuffington gave Dr. Howard and myself our jobs back.
Except my empathy is cured and I don't have to be an orderly anymore.
That is, if you'll marry me right away.
Marry you?
Oh, yes, doctor.
Wait a minute. What about Mr. Tuffington?
What happened to Mr. Tuffington?
Don't worry. Whatever happened to him, he deserved it.
- That's right. Go back to your kissing. - Yes, doctor.
Come, more from that...
Oh, no!
No! No!
DC Sniper 23 Days of Fear
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