Dobry vojak Svejk
THE GOOD SOLDIER SCHWEIK
Today are starring:
Mrs. Muller:|Innkeeper Palivec:
Detective Brettschneider:|Army Chaplain:
Lieutenant Lukas:|Mrs. Wendler:
Minor parts acted by:
Screen - Play and Direction:
So they've killed our Ferdinand,|Mr. Schweik!
- Which Ferdinand, Mrs. Muller?|I know two.
One of them does jobs for Prusa|the chemist,
and one day he drank a bottle of|hair - oil by mistake...
- But Mr. Schweik, it's the Archduke|Ferdinand, the one from Konopiste,
you know, the fat, pious one.
- Good Lord, that's a fine thing...
And where did this happen?
- They shot him at Sarajevo,|with a revolver, you know.
He was riding there with his Archduchess|in a motor - car.
- Fancy that, Mrs. Muller,
what a bad end a ride in a motor - car|can have!
Did he suffer long?|- The Archduke
was done for on the spot!|You know,
a revolver is no plaything.|- There's some revolvers, Mrs. Muller,
that won't go off if you tried|till you was dotty!
But they are sure to have bought
something better than that|for the Archduke!
And I wouldn't mind betting,|Mrs. Muller, that the fellow that did it
put on his Sunday bests for the job.
You know, this is net a case|of a poacher shooting a gamekeeper.
For a job like this, you have to wear|a top - hat,
or else the police would run you in|before you got near him.
- I hear there was a whole lot of them,|Mr. Schweik.
- Of course, Mrs. Muller!
If you for instance wanted to kill|an Archduke...
- Oh, Mr. Schweik!|...or the Emperor,
naturally you'd talk it over|with somebody.
Two heads are better than one.
One hives one bit of advice,|the other gives another
and so the good work prospers.|As cir National Anthem says.
- The newspaper says, Mrs. Schweik,|that the Archduke
was properly riddled with bullets.
The assassin emptied the whole lot|into him.
- That was mighty quick work,|Mrs Muller.
I'd buy a Browning for a job like that.
It looks like a toy,
but in a couple of minutes, you could|shoot twenty Archdukes with it,
thin or fat!
- I got the shock of my life now.
I thought somebody had been spying|on us!
- But instead of that, cur Balaban,
sold six times already,|has returned again.
- Aren't you unlucky with that dog,|Mr. Schweik...
Why did you take him in to begin with?
- I had to take care of him,|you know,
because ho is so ugly that all other|dogs avoid him.
And he was so sad about it.
- All that suffering he's caused us!
- Well, now, Mrs. Muller,|I'm going round to the "Flagon".
- All right,|Mr. Schweik.
- Give my key with the house - porter,|please!
- Good bye, Mr. Schweik!
- We are having a fine summer,|aren't we?
- All damn rotten!
- That's a fine thing they have done for|us at Sarajevo, don't you agree?
- Do you mean the wine - shop in Nusle?|They have a rumpus there every day.
- No, I mean Sarajevo in Bosnia.|They shot the Archduke Ferdinand there.
What do you think of that?|- I never shove my nose
into that sort of thing.|I've got my business to see to.
you used to have a picture|of the Emperor hanging there...
- That's right,|it used to hang there,
but flies left their trade - marks|all over it, so I put it into the attic.
You see, somebody might pass|a remark about it
and then there would be trouble.|What do I need such a thing for?
- Good day to all of you, Gentlemen!|- Alright, Mr. Schweik.
- One Black beer for me today.|- A black one...?
- At Vienna,|they're also in mourning today.
You won't believe me,|gentlemen,
but I know that something will happen|at Sarajevo.
- What, you know about it...?|- Of course,
as soon as there is an army parade,|something is bound to happen.
Allow me, is this yours?|- Please.
- I remember once, during an inspection|like that,
there were twenty buttons missing|from my tunic
and I got two weeks solitary|confinement for it,
and had to spend two days of it tied up,|hand and foot.
And all that because of discipline.
Our company commander, a fellow called|Makovec, always used to say:
There's got to be discipline,|you thick-headed louts,
or else you'd be crawling about like|monkeys on trees!"
And isn't it true, gentlemen?|- Hm.
- Just imagine a park,
on Charles Square for instance,
with an undisciplined soldier|on every tree...
That's what I was always mast afraid of.
- That business at Sarajevo was done|by the Serbians.
- You are wrong there.
It was done by the Turks,|because of Bosnia and Herzegovina.
They're cross, because our Emperor
did not help them in the war|with Serbia.
Do you like Turks?|Do you like that heathen pack of dogs?
- A customer is a customer!|And he may be a Turk for all that.
People like us, who have a business|to look after,
can't be bothered with polities.
Pay for your drink, and you can sit down|and talk what you like!
- All right, Innkeeper,|but you'll have to admit
that it's a great loss to Austria.
- Yes, there's no denying it.|A fearful loss!
You can t replace Ferdinand by any sort|of tomfool.
Isn't that true?
I say, I wouldn't like to be|the Archdukes widow.
What's she going to do now?|The children are orphans,
the estate at Konopiste is without|a master, what is she going to do...?
Marry another Archduke?|What good would come of that?
She'd take another trip to Sarajevo|and be left a widow for the second time!
- Come, come, gentlemen, talk about|something else! I don't like this!
One world leads to another and then|you might be sorry!
- We are not drunk,|to make nasty remarks about the Emperor!
- And what sort of natty remarks
about the Emperor do people make|when they are...
- Well...|- Well, what...?
- All sorts.|- Well, what sorts?
Do you know any?
- Get drunk...|- And then what?
...get them to play the Austrian|National Anthem...
- Well, and...?
...and you'll see what you'll start|saying.
But the Emperor is not going to put up|with that sort of thin.
Little do you know his!|There's got to be war with them Turks!
Kill my uncle, would you?
Then take this smack in the jaw|for a start.
There's going to be a war!|That's all I can tell you.
- Follow me out into the passage|and there I'll tell you something!
- Let me have another Sliwowitz
and I shall have to go,|you know, I've just been arrested.
- Come here!
Are you married?|- Yes.
- And can your wife carry on|the business during your absence?
- Well, then, hand the business over|to you wife
and we shall come for you|in the evening!
- But why?|- Don't you worry,
I am being run in only for high treason.|- And I was being that careful!
- I've got you for saying that the flies|left their trade - marks on the Emperor.
They'll knock all that stuff|about the Emperor out of your head!
- I am innocent!|I don't read the papers at all!
- What concern is that of mine...?|- I am not interested
in politics! Mister!
Mister, I'm innocent! Innocent!
- For God's sake, where did you put|my basket?
- Call my lawyer|immediately!
- What's that?! What's that?!|- Off you go!
- Please...|be kind enough to tell the inspector,
that I'm a stationer!
- Is there a vacant place here?
- Well, what does it look like|outside? Shall we be here for long?
- It depends on the kind of crime|you have committed.
- Mister, I'm the chairman|of the "Smallholder's Union"!
We just had a garden party.|Two tens of Wiener - schnitzels
and a lottery.
And just when the party was going fine,|a gentleman came around
and told us to stop,|that Austria was in mourning.
So I said: "Just wait a moment,
till they've played 'Hej, Slovane'.|And here I am.
- Well, you can be sure of a long stay!|They took me in
just for trumping a king at cards|and saying:
Bang goes the king, just like|in Sarajevo."
- This looks like ten years
for each of us.|- But why me?!
I have a stationer's shop!|- I'm innocent, Mister!
- So was Jesus Christ,|and they crucified him for all that!
Well, nobody has ever anywhere|at anytime,
cared a damn whether a man s innocent
a damn whether a man's innocent or not.|- That's true.
- I am not Jesus Christ,
I'm really innocent!|- Quiet, now!
- Please, Mister,|you have such a kind look on you face,
tell them I'm innocent!
- Quiet, please!|I'm preparing a lecture!
- I am innocent!|- Come on...
- And why do you happen to be here?
- Leave me alone,|you good -
for - nothings, with you,|I could only get into trouble.
- This gent is here for attempted murder|only.
He tried to murder an old man|from Holice.
- Now I'm here, too!|- I felt sure the gentleman
would keep his word. It's nice to know|you can rely on people.
- I don't give a damn!
- Well, I think I'll go med!|We are really in prison!
- It used to be much worse, you know.|In old days, the accused had
to walk over glowing hot iron...|- You don't say!
...and they made them drink|melted lead!
- For God's sake!|- Today, it's a real pleasure!
We have bunks, and a table,
and the toilet is right under our noses.|- Yes.
- Conditions have certainly improved!|To our benefit.
- Schweik Joseph!|Come up for examination!
- Excuse me.
- But I didn't say|anything like that!
- How often are you going to spit,|man?
- Well, as a matter of fact,|I don't feel like, it,
but I'm trying to do as the regulations|tell me to.
- Ha. I'm sure...|- That notice over there says...
...some at the "Flagon".
- Good evening,|gentlemen, I hope you're all well!
- Take that idiotic expression|off your face!
- I can't help it!
I was discharged from the army|on account of being feeble - minded.
I'm feeble - minded officially, please.
- The offences you have committed show,
that you have got all your wits|about you!
Insulting his Royal Highness,|approval of the murder of the Archduke,
making fun of the State Mourning,|inciting rebellion...
Why are you sticking your nose|into my papers?!
- I only wanted to know|whether nothing has been left cut!
- What have you get to say for yourself?
- There's a lot of it. You know,|you can have too much of a good thing.
- So you admit it's true?
- I admit everything.|You've got to be strict!
- Who do you keep company with?|- My charwoman, Sir.
- And you don't know anybody|in political circles here?
- Of course I do,|I buy the "National Politics" regularly,
because of the ads, you know,|in case someone looks for a lost dog...
- Shut your trap!
Do you admit everything?
- If you wish me to admit me everything,
I shall admit it.|Sir, but if you tell me:
"Schweik, don't you admit anything!"
Then I shall argue the point|till the end of my days.
- Sign here!
- Just a moment!|I forgot the full stop.
Is there anything else for me to sign?
- You'll be taken|to the Criminal Court in the morning.
- And at what time, Sir?|I would not like to oversleep,
whatever happens!|- Get out!
- Well, I only wanted|to avoid causing a delay...
- I just confessed
that I probably killed Archduke|Ferdinand.
CRIMINAL COURT|This golden gate,
who walks in,|will loose his head,
This golden gate, open today,
who walks in, will get hit|over the head...
- Good day.
- Sit down.
So you are Mr. Schweik?
- I think I must be,
because my dad was called Schweik
and my mother was Mrs. Schweik.
- This is a fine business|you've been up to...
You've got plenty on your conscience!
- I've always got plenty|on my conscience.
I'll bet I've got more on my conscience|than what you have, Sir.
- I can see that|from the statement you signed.
Did they bring any pressure to bear|on you at Police - Headquarters?
- Not a bit of it, Sir!
When they told me to sign,|I just did what they told me to.
I'm not going to quarrel with them|over my own signature.
I shouldn't be doing myself|any good that way!
- Do you feel quite well,|Mr. Schweik?
- I wouldn't say quite well,|Your Honour.
I've got rheumatism|and I'm using embrocation for it.
When the weather is about to change,|it hurts something awful!
Do you hear how my joints creak?
- Do sit down again!
What do you say to that, Mr. Schweik?
We were to have you examined|by the medical authorities?
- There was one doctor,|who examined me already
at Police - Headquarters,|to see if I had V.D.
Well... you know, Mr. Schweik,
I think we shall try the medical board.
You'll have a nice rest,|won't you?
One more question.
You are supposed to have said,
that war is going to break out soon.
- Yes, Your Honour.|It will break out any moment now.
- Don't you think|you could be wrong?
- I hope not,
after all, it's already written down|in my statement, Your Honour.
- So you know it for sure?
- Anybody may be wrong,
an educated man as well|as an illiterate fool.
Even ministers are wrong sometimes.
- Don't you ever feel|run down at all?
- No, Your Honour,
except that I once got nearly run down|by a motor - car,
on Charles' Square.|But that's years ago.
- That's quite enough.|You may go now.
- Thanks very much, Your Honour,|I'm very pleased to have met you!
Gentlemen, long live|our Emperor Franz Joseph the First!
- The case is quite clear.
Any further examinations|are quite unnecessary.
- But we shall have to comply|with the law!
- Take five steps!
I've told you to take five stops only!
- A few steps more or less|won't kill me.
And I did not complain of anything|having fallen in my eye.
- Show us your teeth!|Better, man, better!
- This is how a Danish hound|would do it, gentlemen!
- Sit down!
Cross your feet!
Not this way, at leisure!
- Tell us quickly, could you|measure the diameter of the globe?
- Tell us quickly!|Is radium heavier than lead?
- I've never weighed it, Sir.
- Listen, you can sing?
Could you sing a song for us?
- Of course, gentlemen.
I have neither voice nor ear,
but I shall do it to please you,|if you want to have some fun.
Oh, the monk
in the armchair yonder,
in his hand
he bows his head...
That's all I know,|but then,
I know some folksongs, like:|"God save our Emperor"
and "When we went into the war..."|and then some hymns...
- I believe|that's quite enough.
- One more question,
professor.|- Of course, please yourself.
- Dear colleague, I believe...|- No, no!
I insist on this question!
Tell me, how much is
- Let's write down|our findings.
The undersigned medical authorities,
agree on the complete creationism|of Joseph Schweik,
who expresses himself in terms such as
"Long live our Emperor Franz Joseph|the First!"...a remark,
which completely suffices
Schweik s mind to be that
of an obvious imbecile.
The undersigned medical authorities
thus return the examined Joseph Schweik
to the responsible authorities.
That s the Emperor s proclamation|to say, that war has been declared!
- I saw it coming,
but in the Asylum they don t know|anything about it yet,
although they should be the first|to get it.
- What do you mean by this?
- Because they ve got|a lot of army officers locked up there.
- Aha. Right.
- Long live the Emperor Franz Joseph!
We'll win this war!
- That's enough.|No trouble now! Just disperse quietly!
Gentlemen, I can see it|quite clearly.
We're absolutely bound to win this war!
- I'm extremely sorry|that you've fallen into our hands again.
We thought you'd turn over a new leaf,|but we seem to have been mistaken!
Tell me, Mr. Schweik, who was it|that induced you
to indulge in such silly tricks?!
- I don't know what silly tricks|you mean!
- Well, isn't it a silly trick|to cause a crow to collect
and incite them by shouting:|"Long live the Emperor Franz Joseph,
we'll win this war!"?
- It fairly riled me to see them|all reading the Royal proclamation
and not showing any pleasure about it|at all,
nobody shouted Hooray or called|for cheers!
So I, being an old soldier,|had to shout these words!
And I think, that if you'd been|in my place,
you'd have done just the same.
If there's a war, it's got to be won.|Nobody is going to talk me cut of that!
- I thoroughly appreciate|your enthusiasm,
but the fact that you were|under police escort
must have made a rather|ironic impression...
- When a man is being run in|by a police officer,
it is a critical moment in his life.
And, if at such a moment,
a man does not for - get to do|the proper thing,
that is not a bad thing at all.
- Go to blazes, Schweik!
But if we ever meet here again,
you will go straight before|a Court Martial! Is that clear?
- God bless you for everything|you have done!
And if you'd like a thoroughbred dog|at any time,
just call on me,
I deal in dogs.|- Get out!
I don't believe him anyway.|Go on, tell us, inspector,
How can a lout like he be interested|in Austria winning the war?
- Well, in any case,|don't let him get out of sight!
As you wish...|You know what?
We'll try to take him unawares!
- Well,|Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Good day.|- Good day.
II. Host Good day.
- Well, here I am, back again.
But where is Mr. Palivec?
- They gave him...|...ten years...
a week... ago.
- Fancy that now...
then he has already served|seven days of it.
- And he was that cautious...
- Caution is the mother of wisdom.
Well, let me have a large rum!
- And the sausages,|Mrs. Palivec?
- I'm getting them right away.
- Good day.
- Fancy that, a man called Cimpera,
is selling a farm with 13 ares|of fields,
situated close to school and railway...
- I am surprised to find that you are|interested in farming, Mr. Schweik.
- Oh, it's you, is it?
I didn't recognize you!
- I came here today on your account.|- Well, let's go then.
- Stay where you are!
All I want is a dog.
- That I can get for you!
- Oh God...!
Help me, I'm so unhappy!
What have I ever done to anybody?
- Don't cry, woman!|In three months, we'll have won the war,
there will be an amnesty|and your husband will come home!
- And will that help me?
Here I have hot sausages|and all the customers want away!
Why do you keep coming here?
You will ruin me.
- Well, leave them here,|I'll pay for them!
And a bottle of wine,|I want to spend some real money today!
- Wouldn't you like a police - dog?|I know a man who's got one.
- You know,|all I'm concerned about this size.
- The one I'm talking about|is about this size...
- Oh, no!|I'd like a ratter.
Quite a small one... a cheap one.
- A ratter is no calf.
The smaller they are,|the more they cost!
- Well, in that case...|...a big or one will do.
- I'll have to ask you|for an advance of 30 crowns,
and I'll get you a dog, that will make|everybody's head turn round.
- 30 crowns?|Well...
Here they are.|And let's have a drink on the bargain!
- One more, please!|- What's wrong?
- Well, you have to pay for having fun!
- Today you don't have to be afraid|of me, I'm mot on duty
and you can say whatever you like|about politics!
- I don't discuss things like that|in a pub.
Anyway, all politics ale for children.|- You think so?
Of course, yes,|or for such fools
as Franz Joseph.|Hahahaha...
Come here, friend! ...You do like me,|don't you?
- Look here, friend,|give me some advise,
I want to register with the Anarchists.
Why not, what do you say to that?|Yes. And all that... Look, look, look...
Come here and take this!|Take this!
Call me by my first name,|will you?
- "What every good citizen earns,
the state takes away from him!"
- Don't be silly!
Someone will come and you'll have|difficulties...
You get all sorts today!|Look, Bohous,
what about that ratter,|where do I deliver him?
Oh, the ratter!
Bohous... Pepik...|Don't worry about ratters,
You know, I shall come|and get the ratter...
- Good afternoon! Mr. Schweik!|- Good afternoon.
Good afternoon.|So I'm back again, Mrs. Muller!
- For Christ's sake,|Mr. Schweik, so you're alive?
Don't be cross with me,|I took a new lodger,
he's a porter in a night - club.|They searched your place three times.
Everybody said your lost,|as you are such a card!
- Look here, boss,|get up,
or you'll be late!
- Get out!
- I'd be very sorry if you'd have|to state to your company commander
that it was my fault you overslept|the mobilisation.
See for your self,|here it is,
there's a war on!
- What sort of stupid joke|is this?
- And I wanted to sleep|till eight in the evening.
Marena, get up!
- Hello, hello.
They're taking them to the station now.
- Luis, I won't let you go!
Christ, you are such a big chunk|of a fellow,
they'll hit you in no time!
- Marena, damn you,|don't be silly!
I've been working in a night - club|for ten years...
A silly war can have no surprises|for me!
- The Emperor declared war
and asked everybody to join...
- Mrs. Muller!
- Yes, Mr. Schweik?|Is your rheumatism worse again?
- Hand me my army - cap|from the wardrobe!
I'm going to join the army!
- Gracious me...|And what are you going to do there?
Austria's in a bad way,|that's why they are calling me up.
Even our evening paper admits now,|that our dear fatherland is threatened
by dark clouds.|- They can move, can't they!
- It doesn't matter, Mrs. Muller,|I'll join the army in a Bath chair!
The confectioner round the corner|has just the thing I want.
Years ago, he used to wheel his lame,|wicked grandfather in it.
- But, Mr. Schweik...!
- Get that wheel - chair
and push me to the war!
To Belgrade!|To Belgrade!
- Look, people, how funny.|A lame man going to enlist!
- They're going to win, aren't they...
- To Belgrade!
You are wrong, I have it here,|written cut quite clearly!
- To appear before the authorities,|clean, tidy
and in a sober state...
What is there to laugh about?!|- As you can see,
my dear policeman,
I'm really going to join up!
For the Emperor|and his family!
- He's a heroic soldier!
- Escort this man|to the local Army Headquarters!
- Let me pass!|Let me pass!
I know this gent from "Free Mind"!
Long live the Serbians, our brothers!|Don't you agree?
- People,|that's a secret policeman!
- He's trying to provoke us!
- Das ganze|tschechische Volk
ist eine simulanten Bande!
How many people are to appear|before the Board today?
- And how many should be drafted?|- 550.
- Well, get them here, quick!
Halasek Joseph, baker.
- One hundred and sixty.|- Tauglich!
- Kocicka Vaclav - waiter.
- Hrdina Borivoj - teacher.
Take that malingerer away!
- Schweik Joseph!|- Here!
- Superarbitrated on account|of being feeble - minded.
- And what else is wrong with you?
- Beg to report, Sir,|I've got rheumatism,
but I'll serve the Emperor|till I'm hacked to pieces.
- Sie sind ein Simulant!
Arrest that man immediately,
and take him to Dr. Grunstein,
he cures every single one for them!
- Doctor's round!|- Doctor's round!
- Out of bed!|Doctor Grunstein.
- Enema and aspirin.
- Kotatko - deaf and dumb.
- Have you been like that since birth?
Wash his stomach out and quinine!
- Pokorny - tuberculosis.
- Double enema!
- Schweik.|- Here!
- No diagnosis as yet.
- What's wrong with you then?
- I obediently report|that I've got rheumatism.
- Oh, what a coincidence, getting|rheumatism when there's a world war
and you're supposed to fight...!
You must be cursing your luck!
- I obediently report, oberarzt,|that I'm cursing my luck!
- Hm.|And do your knees hurt?
- I obediently report that they hurt.
- Well, we'll treat you here|better than in Pistany!
And you'll be marching to the front|as fast as your legs can carry you!
Write this down!|Complete diet,
wash his stomach out once a day|and an emena once a day!
A proper one!
Until he begs all the saints|for the rheumatism to get up and go!
...now I'm going to give you|some pills.
Drink that immediately!
- God save our souls...!
- I am not going to examine you,|you bumps!
I know you are all malingerers|who want to shirk the army.
Don't think me an utter fool!
Those beds have accommodated|whole swarms of men,
who had nothing wrong with them except|a lock of military spirit!
I cured all of them with my enemas.
In twenty years to come,|you'll still scream in your sleep
when you dream
you're trying to swing the lead|on Doctor Grunstein!
- Beg to report, Sir,
my ability to speak and my hearing|seem to be returning.
but you'll have your enema|before you go,
so you can't complain|we didn't cure you here!
- The most sacred emotions|were touchingly demonstrated
by a cripple,|who was being wheeled along
in a Bath - chair by an old woman.
"To Belgrade!", shouted|this worthy son of the Czech nation,
who enlisted in the army,
in order to prove his fidelity|to the Emperor.
This man is prepared to give his life|and possession for his monarch.
- Genug, ma chére!|Genug!
- As Your Excellency,|the Baroness, commands.
It goes no further anyway.
- Ach, mein Gemahl,
the general von Botzenheim,|he used to say:
A Czech soldier,|always a good soldier!
We must go to the hospital immediately,|to find this heroic soldier!
It's no good coming here|with rheumatism!
This stands as much chance here|as corns!
I have only half a stomach|and nobody believes me anyway!
The best thing is to have petrol|injected under the skin!
That gives you a fine, high temperature,|which makes you want
to jump out of the window!
I cant stand it any longer!
- I had a dream today,
that I was eating some lovely|drippings.
- Hot or cold?
- Cold.|- That I couldn't,
I prefer them hot,
and a nice, golden brown colour!
- For God's sake, fellows,|stop talking about food!
- Everybody to bed!|Did you hear me?
Be quick about it! Get a move on!
Some Archduchess is supposed|to come here!
What are you waiting for?|For goodness' sake, lads!
And don't dare to show your dirty feet,|you louts!
No complaints either,|do you hear me?
Who says a word will be strum up later!
- I beg to report that I'd like to|welcome the Archduchess.
I know a very nice welcoming address.|- Will you lie down!
- I obediently report|that I'm lying down.
- Well, here is our dear Schweik.
He's being very patient.
A chair!|- Schweik, two enemas and a chair!
- For the Baroness!|- An enema for the Baroness?
- A chair!|- Oh, a chair!
- A Czech soldier -|very good soldier!
A crippled soldier,|I love a Czech Austrian.
I've read everything in the papers!
Johann! Come here!
I've brought you something nice|to eat...
and to drink.
Read the inscription aloud!
- Deutschmeisster,|liqueor for soldiers and civilians.
Gott strafe England.
- When in need...
Pardon me, Madam,
I wanted to say:
"God bless you for all these gifts,
- Look how the soldier|enjoys it all!
I am sure he will be cured soon|and fit for the front!
- Certainly, Baroness.|I won't keep him a day longer,
- I haven't smoked since heaven|knows when!
Stop it! Don't be stupid!|Quiet now!...
- Here!|- Here!
Habt acht!|Habt acht!
Habt acht!|Habt acht!
- So, you lots,|you don't appreciate my kindness!
I pump your stomachs,|I give you enemas,
and the moment I turn my back you|try to kill yourselves by overeating!
All of them are to have their stomachs|pumped out, immediately!
Do you know the Baroness?
- She's my stepmother.
She abandoned me|at a tender age
and now she's found me again.
- Give him another enema|and then send him straight to jail!
- Don't spare me!
The foundations of the Austrian Empire|are based on that enema
and victory is sure to be ours!
- Smell my fist,|you lout!
- I wouldn't like to feel it|on my nose! It smell's of graveyards!
- Well, then, remember it,|you twerp!
- Just a moment|I'm coming!
- Now you'll see a good show!|The chaplain is usually drunk.
- Habt acht!
Everybody follow me in prayers.
Repeat what I'll say.
Which Sunday is it, anyway?
I know it won't work!
I am all for having you shot!
I insist on it from this holy place,|you good - for - nothings,
because you won't turn over|a new leaf
and want to carry on|on the thorny road of a sinner!
I ask you not to blow your nose here!
We are no horses and neither are we|in a stable!
Sergeant,|don't you notice anything?
Remember, that you are soldiers
and not blasted civilians!
And that you must see
through a dark cloud
into the distant space!
And know, that everything here
for a short time.
Yes.|Well... where did I stop?
God is merciful,
but only towards decent people,
and not for a gang of rotters,|who take no notice of God's laws
and the army's regulations!
You don't even know how to pray,
and you think this some sort of a show
Do you hear me,|you down there in your underclothes?
- Beg to report, Sir,|we hear you!
- Some day you'll remember me
and you'll know that I meant well!
That man should serve you as an example!
What is he doing?|He's crying!
I tell you, stop it!
Do you want to become a better man?
That's not such an easy job,|my lad!
You're crying now,|but when you get back to your cell,
you'll be just as big a louse a before!
I've finished, you loafers,
and I want you to behave properly|during mass!
And not like last time,
when some of you fellows at the back|were swapping government linen for grub!
So here you are!
That's the first time|anyone has ever shed a tear
in my church.
Admit it, you blackguard,
that you've cried only for fun!
- I beg to report, Sir,|that I was really shamming.
I saw that what your sermon needed|was the reformed sinner,
so I tried to oblige.
- I'm beginning to like you!
What are you here for?
- Beg to report, Sir,|I really don't know.
I always mean well
and it turns out badly.
Just like the martyr in that picture.
- I will ask the provost about you!
Schweik isn't here!
What the hell is in those shelves?
If at least you had a bottle|in every draw...
We could drink them up in alphabetic|order.
- There's such a mess|in those files, such a chaos.
Hallo!|Provost Lieutenant Bernis speaking!
Captain, I should like to know|whether you haven't got the file
relating to a man called Schweik!
I am supposed to have it?
That's odd.|Excuse me.
It's beginning to interest me too,|what's happening to this fellow Schweik!
- Who searches, find.|God's mercy is endless.
What about cards, do you play?
- Well,|I am out of luck lately!
But I know a girl,|I tell you, she is a sweet bit!
- Hey, I need a batman!
- Well, here you are, here's Schweik!|And right on top of the file, too.
I'm sorry, dear padre, this won't work.|- What did he do?
- That I don't know, but look!|He's been executed.
- Rubbish!|I've just been talking to him.
- And what is here for?|- He doesn't know himself.
- That's what they all say!
Richtig, richtig,|somebody mixed up the files.
But what shall we do now?|- No, co...!
Well, sentence someone else|on Schweik s files.
- That will be difficult.
- That's a pity.|Tomorrow, I'm having a party,
there'll be drinks, and ladies too...|You will come, won't you?
- Well, since it's you, dear padre,|you can have him!
- Who do you keep greeting|all the time?
- All these people|are acquaintances of mine.
- Oh, you don't say?|Are you from Prague?
- From Prague, yes.|- You won't give us the slip?
- Of course he'd run away|at the first chance!
- Why should he?|He's practically free now!
I have it here, in my pocket.
- And what do you have in your pocket?|- Well, I don't quite know.
- You see! You don't even know|and yet you're talking!
- Don't you know why we are taking you|to the Army Chaplain?
- For confession.
- What, for confession?|- Yes, they'll hang me tomorrow.
- Hang?|- That's how it's done.
They call it spiritual comfort.
- Oh well, come along!
Nur fur Militär! Bis jetzt.
- How about taking those bayonets off?|After all, he's one of us!
- But how?
Halt!|- Are you crazy?
- Look here, you know this place.|Do you know of a pub handy?
- Why not?|Just round the corner from here.
There's even music, a fiddle,|an accordion...
You can leave your rifles|in the kitchen.
- What is it?
- Do you remember the arrangements|we made?
Do you know...?|Understand?
- Oh, of course!
Is it a safe place?
- Very, only tarts go there|and similar decent people!
- Let's go!
On Pankrac hill,
right on the top of it,
trees are planted.
On Pankrac hill,
right on the top of it,
trees are planted.
I had a girl friend,
now someone else has got her!
I had a girl friend,
now someone else has got her!
- Schweik, come here!|Where did they dress you up like this?
- Schweik, you ought to have|a photo taken!
- Christ, it's Schweik!
- Good day to you, gentlemen!
Oh..., it's Mr. Schweik!|A coffee, please.
A coffee for everybody, please. Right.|Thank you.
Your health! You know, after all,|we shouldn't drink to you health...
- Tell us,|why are they going to string you up?
- Perhaps he was born|on an unlucky planet.
- But they won't hang somebody|for nothing!
There has to be a reason for it!
So that the... is reasonable!
- It's not like that in war.
You're supposed to fall at the front,|or be executed at home...
What difference does it make?
- Aren't you a little bit political?
- Too much!|- Let's knock it on the head!
- If you'd be smart boys,|buy us a drink!
- Of course, ladies!|Why not?
Waiter, come here!|Ferda, vermouth!
...by a little window
sits a beautiful blonde.
Sits a beautiful blonde.
By a little window
sits a beautiful blonde.
Sits a beautiful blonde.
Come closer soldier boy,
you're not afraid of a girl?!
I touched the handle,
and I heard music.
And I heard music.
I touched the handle,
And I heard music.
And I heard music.
My dear Kamila...
- Madam,|that Vermouth is like water!
Send us a bottle of something decent.|That gent's going to say for it all!
- In a moment! In a moment!
- I've a small farm|in Holovousy.
There's lovely apples in my garden.
When I get my Urlaub,|I'll bring you half a ton.
- And what have you got in your pocket?|- That? That's a state secret!
- Here you are, ladies and gents!|- The Devil's Liquor!
- You're my sweetie-pie,|sweetie-pie.
You're my,|You're my
You're my, you're...|- Come outside with me!
For a fiver, I'll give you|a nice injection, petrol, you know,
and you're sure to be in hospital|for at least 3 months!
- Don't be scared! That man's a medic.|Nobody II be the wiser
and you'll be nice and safe|for a long time!
- Hahaha. A medice...!|Hahaha.
- Hip, hip, hip,|hip!
Hip, hip, hip, hip!
- Come to me, those who have wine!|As I'm thirsty!
- Come here,|my little muff!
- Oh, well!
So you're here, Schweik,|are you?
- Beg to report, Sir.|A package!
- I say, got a match?|- Beg to report, Sir, I haven't.
- I say, why not?|Every soldier ought to have matches
to light up with.|A soldier without matches is...
What is he?|- Beg to report, Sir, he's matchless.
- Obviously, very good.|He's without matches
and can't give anybody a light.
Do you drink liquor, Schweik?
- No liquor for me, Sir,|only rum.
- Just take a look at that big lout|over there! Come here!
I borrowed him today|from Lieutenant Feldhuber.
He's a...|He's a teetotaller!
Aren't you ashamed of yourself,|you bloody fool?
Do you know what you deserve?|A punch in the jaw...!
So you're drunk!
You're drunk while on duty
and you'll be punished for it!|I'll have you arrested!
Right now, I'm going to phone|for the MPs.
Hallo! Hallo! What are you doing|at that switch - board?
Let me have the K. And K.|Korpskommando immediately!
What? What do you say?|I don't understand a single word!
- Don't be a fool now!
It was us escorting you, wasn't it?
- Well, my dears,|as Napoleon used to say:
"In war, the situation changes|from one moment to another..."
- I could do with a drink!
- I can't get through|to the barracks.
So, go home, the two of you! Run away!|And remember,
mustn't booze while on duty!|Out with you!
- Madam,|I'm sure it can't be Christmas already?
I want some more Eau de Cologne!
- Sir!|Here's some black coffee.
- Listen... you...|- Schweik!
- Schweik.|- Schweik, tell me,
didn't I misbehave yesterday?
- Beg to report, Sir,|everything went smoothly.
Only when I was letting the ladies|out of the house,
a gent, looking like a Turk|with a Fez on his head,
came out of the door opposite ours|and tried to cause a disturbance.
- And what was the result?|- I gave him a punch on the jaw
and he calmed down.|- You shouldn't have done it!
That was the Landlord...|- Well, now he knows
that owning a house is no fun!
It couldn't happen to us!|We don't own a house.
- There you're right.
All we own is...
Schweik, all we own is...
I wish I was employed|at the Quartermaster's Store,
there I could at least pinch a barrel|of rum or some lard.
But what shall we do?
What about selling the sofa?
- We wouldn't get much for that one.|- You think so?
Let's keep it then!|It belongs to the Landlord anyway.
I know what we'll do, Schweik.|I'll give you three addresses
to go to and borrow money.|You'll go to Bruska street...
...to Captain Schnabel s and ask him
to lend me a hundred crowns.
He was lucky at cards two days ago|so what.
And in case you're not successful there,|you'll go to the Vrsovice barracks
and ask for Lieutenant Mahler.
- The chaplain isn't at home!|- So he isn't in...?
- I told you already,|that he isn't in!
- So he went to the coffee - house...?|- You'd have to
wait somewhere!|- So I'd have to wait?
Well, all right, I'll wait.
Till tomorrow morning,|if necessary.
Fine thing, he's got money|for the coffee house,
but no money to pay his debts with!
A fine Chaplain, pfui!
- Sir, I ask you not to spit here!
- And I'll spit once more,|if I feel like it!
Like this. Do you see?
- If you're an educated man,|behave yourself
and don't act like a vagabond!
- So I don't behave decently?
And what do I behave like, tell me!|Just you tell me, you...
- A hooligan, that's what you are!|Spitting on the floor
just like in a train.|I was wondering all the time,
why there are notices everywhere,|about not spitting on the floor!
Now I know, it's because of you,
you must be a very well known person!
- You dirty creature!|You...
Let go of me!|I am an honourable citizen!
Let go of me!|Let go of me!
- Are you crazy?
- Beg to report, Sir, that I took care|of everything, just like you told me to.
Supper is served in the drawing room.
I shall now go and fry some eggs.
- On bacon, too!
Who was it that lent us money?|- Beg to report, Sir, all of them.
I only had to crawl on my knees|in front of Captain Schnabel.
That one is a right bastard.
But when I told him about your|paternity case...
- Paternity case?
- Of course, alimony, you know,|paying a girl so much every week.
You told me to spin|any yarn I pleased, so...
- And what did Captain Schnabel say?
- There were about five gentlemen|present,
and they all asked me what sort|of a girl it was,
so I told them she was a very smart|little bit, not quite fifteen yet.
Then they all wanted to have|her address.
- You've made a nice mess of it,|I must say!
- Don't you worry, Chaplain,|I gave them the address of a deaf lady
down our street.
I told you already that he isn't in!
- Don't lie to me,|he's just returned!
- He's returned all right,|but he isn't at home to anybody!
- That's no concern of mine!|- He's preparing tomorrow's sermon!
- Leave me alone, man!|Leave me alone!
Chaplain, I have to protest!
I'm not used to that sort of treatment!|- My batman is certainly not right!
A guest in the house means God|in the house!
- Beg to report, Sir, that bloke|is very difficult to dispose of,
just like a certain Bouska from Liben.
They once kicked him out of Exeter's|eighteen times
and he always returned|saying that he'd left his pipe behind.
- You're joking!|- He was that persevering,
he could have become|a cabinet - minister.
- I hope that I'm not here|to be made fun of!
- Take a chair, please!|- Thank you.
- We are having Hungarian salami,|sardines, salmon,
and some fried eggs.
Isn't it nice to have a rest|on borrowed money!
- I insist that you listen|to what I have to say!
- I hope I'm right in assuming|that you came to get money
for the check I gave you?
- Yes, Chaplain, and I hope,|that I won't have to leave without it!
- What are you doing?|- Beg to report, Sir,
that I already had some difficulties|with this gentleman.
- Leave us, Schweik!|We have a private matter to discuss!
- Beg to report, Sir,|I am leaving you!
- Listen, Chaplain, if there was no wow.|I wouldn't press you.
But I had a number of very sad|experiences!
Take the case of Lieutenant Janota,
who owed me 700 crowns|and got himself killed at Dryne.
Lieutenant Prasek, 2000 crowns,|taken prisoner by the Russians.
Captain Wichterle, Lieutenant Machek,|both imprisoned by the Serbians,
each of them owing me 1500 crowns!
You must understand my anxiety...
- But, Mister I am not...
- I know what you're going to say,|Chaplain!
That a priest is in no direct danger...
But listen! Army Chaplain Mathis|died a week ago at Brno!
He failed to pay me 1800 crowns
and went to supply extreme unction|to a chap,
who had the plague|and who was no concern of his anyway!
- That's his duty.|I'm going to do the same thing tomorrow.
- And he's also going|into the plague hospital!
- Tell me, Chaplain,|is this war only on
to finish off all my debtors?
- Schweik, I'm beginning|to get bored.
Tell him in a gentle way:
"The Chaplain in not going|to give you any money!
- I'm not going to budge|till I get it!
- If that's the case, Schweik,
dispose of him in any way|that pleases you!
- I'm not going, it's a shame,|you've tricked me!
- Make no noise, you hoodlum!
The Chaplain has to study!|- I know he's trying to figure out
how to cheat honest people out|of their money!
You cheeky lout!|You've ruined me!
Wiener Blot... tralala...
Wiener Blot... tralala...|...tralalala...
- God, I'm grateful we've found|the place.
I'd been driving him around|for two hours
before I managed to squeeze an address|out of him.
He's been sick all over my cab
and now I can't get any money|out of him!
- Chaplain...!|- Stop! I have to drive on!
I'm changing at Nymburk!|- Help me!
- Gentlemen, I'm not going to have|a steam - bath!
- Of course not - come here!
Give it to me!|No more booze!
- Take those skates off!
It's me, Schweik!
We have to pay for the cab.
- Do you believe in immortality?
Tell me one thing!|Can a horse get into heaven?
- Be quick about paying for the fare!|I've other parties to take care of!
- Chaplain, he wants money!
- Here, take the lot!|Ich kann bezahlen!
A penny more or less doesn t matter|to me!
- Wait!|We've got to search him.
- Of course! All those, who are dead,
report to the Korpskommando|within three days,
to got a Christian burial!
Lady don't tickle me!
- That's not enough!|I took him round the town
- We've got no more.|- A fine business...! Pfui!
- The fire won't burn!
Somebody must be blowing on it!
I want something, but I don't know what.
I don't know what!|Don't you know what I want?
But I couldn't care less,|and neither could you, Schweik!
- Sit down!
- Oh, I'm so alone,|in the world!
People, Schweik,|I've got to tell you something.
I've got a confession to make.
I, a repentant sinner, confess|and admit.
- Don't lie on the floor!|- I have to confess to you!
- Chaplain...|will you lie down!
- I have to...
Ladies, I have a lovely joke for you!
There was once a drummer living|in Budejovice,
he got married and died within a year!
Isn't in lovely?
Madam,|what a sweet boy you've got!
Look, what uncle has brought you!|Right. Look!
I want a Cognac!|Where is it?
Come here! Come here!|Come here! Come here! Come here!
Come here! Come here! Come here!
- Come on, lie down quietly,
Come on!|Or I'll have to hit you one!
- You're such a good boy.|I'll have to marry you off to my sister.
- Hello!|Chaplain, do you hear me?
- Is that you, Schweik?|What am I doing here?
- It seems you're suffering|from a slight attack of the DTs.
- Yesterday, I've lost all my money.
Even you, Schweik.
I've lost you at cards.
I've thrown you into the clutches|of Lieutenant Lukas!
- Well, that's not the end of the world!
In a few days time,|we'll get money somehow...
- Oh no, it's impossible!|Quite impossible, Schweik!
You know, debts at cards...
...debts at cards are debts of honour.
And I am an officer!
Jesus Christ!|- When I was serving you
for the first year.
- Beg to report, Sir,|that I'm here.
- Some more, Sir?|- Halt!
Well, finally you lock almost|like a soldier!
Did they even supply you with a coat?|- Beg to report, Sir, even with a coat.
- I give you a fair warning,|I'm very strict!
Tell me, do you know|what a batman is supposed to do?
- A batman is an officer's servant,|boot - polish and pipe - cleaner.
- If I say:|"Jump into the fire!",
why, into the fire you've got to jump,|whether you like it or not.
What are you staring at?
- Beg to report, Sir,|that's a Harz canary.
- Are you fond of animals?
- It's dogs I fancy most, Sir.
If you'd like me to...|- I am fond of dogs too -
I used to have a stable dog once.
- Stable dogs are the best, Sir.
A stable dog is not to everybody's|liking, he's got such hard whiskers
and looks like a released prisoner,
but he's so ugly he's almost beautiful.
- Hm.|Well, when you get the chance,
bring me a dog.
Hand me my sword now!
And remember:|I love everything clean
and tidy!|And I can't stand lies.
I love honesty and I hate lies.
Lies I punish without mercy,|is that understood?
- Beg to report, Sir,|quite.
There's nothing worse than a liar.
- Oh, well.
- And as far as honesty|is concerned, Sir,
there's nothing nicer,|because with honesty you get places.
Take for instance a walking contest.
As soon as you start doing tricks|and running,
That happened to a cousin of mine.
A honest man is respected everywhere,
he's satisfied with himself|and he feels like a new - born babe,
when he goes to bed and can say:
"Well, I've been honest again today."
- The Chaplain|recommended you to me
as a champion idiot. And I'm inclined|to think that he wasn't far wrong.
- Beg to report, Sir, I was discharged|from doing my regular service,
for being feeble - minded.|There were two of us discharged
for the same reason at the time -
me and a captain von Kaunitz.
- Hm.|Er... what did I want?
Now, Schweik, comes the main thing!
Sometimes, ladies come to see me.|One or the other
may stay all night.
In a case like that, you'll bring coffee|for two into the bedroom,
but be sure not to enter till I ring!
Do you hear me?|- Beg to report, Sir,
I know what it means|to come at the wrong time.
Once, I took a young woman home with me,
and just as we were getting on fine|together,
my charwomen brought me the coffee.
She didn't half have a fright,|poured all the hot coffee down my back
and said "Good morning" on top of it.
- I'm on duty today.|I shan t be home till late.
Tidy the place up a bit.
The last orderly was not good at all
and he's leaving today with a draft|for the front!
And don't let anyone|into the apartment!
- Oak leaf,
don't fall into the river!
don't fall into the river!
The water would carry you away
and that would make me sad.
- Are you the Lieutenant's Batman?
- That I am!|- Well, why don't you open up?
Why do you leave me to kick my feet|outside?
- I didn't...|...Hear the bell! I know.
Don't lie to me!|You know very well that I rang the bell!
Take those suitcases inside!
- I can't do that without|the Lieutenant's permission!
- Do as I told you|take those suitcases into the room!
- Lady, the only order|I got was to get a stable dog.
I know nothing whatever|about your suitcases!
- So you won't|take my cases in?
- As I've told you.
Till I get an army order,|I don't know my own brother!
Now, I'm going to lock up and of course|I can't leave a stranger
in the apartment.
So please...|- Ha ha!
You must be crazy!
I've come to visit...
...the Lieutenant.|- That's an old one!
In our street, someone came to visit
Belicsky, the confectioner,
once in his absence,
opened all the wardrobes and ran away|with the contents.
- For the last time -
take those cases in!|- Excuse me, Madam!
I've been entrusted with the whole|apartment.
I'm responsible for every single bit|of it.
I'm really sorry|I've got to talk to you like this,
but there's got to be some order|in the army.
- Take this|to the Lieutenant!
Here's a five crowns tip for you,|and I'll wait here!
- No play, Madam.|Keep your five crowns.
If you insist, you can come|to the barracks with me.
I'll hand your letter over|to the Lieutenant
and you can wait for the answer.
Now, I'm going to lock up!
- What's the matter?
- Beg to report, Sir, here's a letter|for you.
- The lady says that you are a beast!|What have you done to her?
- Beg to report, Sir, nothing.|She wanted to move into your apartment,
suitcases and all.
- What? What's that?|- I prevented her from doing it.
I know of a draper in Vojtesska,|who once took a lady to live with him,
and then couldn't get rid of her,
so he had to poison himself|with coal - gas, and her as well.
- Where is she now?|- Waiting, outside the gate!
My orders, Madam,|are to treat you politely
and to do everything you might wish.
And I've got a hundred crowns|to do it with.
- Get a cab!
It's a good fairy that sent me to you,|tralala, tralala...
What do you say to that, Schweik?
- As the Staff H. O. Would put it|in their reports:
After a carefully prepared retreat,|we entrenched ourselves
in positions prepared beforehand.
- Schweik!|Where are you?!
- Beg to report that I'm here.
- Come in!
- Inside, you mean?|- Of course.
I want you to scrub my back!
- Wouldn't you like to wait
till the Lieutenant comes home?
- No.|I want it done right now! And by you!
- Everything all right, Schweik?|- Beg to report, Sir,
that I've fulfilled all the lady's|wishes, as you instructed me.
- Thank you very much, Schweik.|And did she want many things done?
- About... six, Sir.
And now she's sound asleep.|I did everything I saw she wanted,
although she didn't actually|ask for it...
- Thanks, I'm glad|I can rely on you in everything.
- Beg to report, Sir,|that I'm waiting here.
- I've asked you|to come, Schweik,
because we have to talk in confidence.
What's going on at home?|What is she doing?
- She just broke that large bottle|of Eau de Cologne.
The whole place smells...|Like a barber - shop!
- What are we going to do?
- Don't say I haven't warned you.
I know of a follow who once...|- We must get rid of that woman!
- It's high time, too,
or we'll be as weak as puppies.
- But how?|- The best thing, Sir, would be
to dispatch her home,|and "Express registered"!
I know of a similar case|that happened too at Vsenory last year.
Let's send a wire to her husband.
As a sort of "unknown friend".
We'll put it like this:|"You wife's address is..."
After all, it isn't your fault!|You didn't invite her to come...
- Of course!
- And, as you say, her husband,
the hop merchant, is an intelligent sort|of fellow,
so even if you get a punch|on the jaw...
- Let's go|to the post office!
- Where is she?|Here she is...!
Katy!|- My husband.
- An "Unknown friend"|sent me the address by wire.
- That's a mean thing|to do!
- Don't you like cigarettes?|- Thanks.
Pardon me.|- Take a seat, won't you?
You must be tired.|- Yes, please, thank you.
- Help yourself.
You don't know how pleased|I am to be here to welcome you.
You know, I live at the barracks,|and that's why I was able
to offer Madam the hospitality|of my apartment.
As an old acquaintance.
- My Katy is a funny woman!
She suddenly decided|to take a cute for her nerves.
I was away travelling,|and upon my return
I find the house empty and Katy gone.
And what about you, Lieutenant?
You'll be off to the front soon,|I suppose?
- As soon as I've finished my job|of training volunteer officers.
We need a lot of new officers, you know,|and it's very sad that most people
prefer to remain plain privates|in the infantry.
It looks like people lack interest|in the war.
- You are wrong there.|It interestes me very much
what s going on at the front!
The hop business has been badly hit|by the war!
But I only hope that it won't last long!
- Our position is very good.
The Eastern Bezkyds and the Carpathians|are excellent pivotal centres for us.
One strong blow on this line
and we shan t stop till we get|to Moscow!
THE CITY OF MOSCO W INN
Pardon me, Miss,|can you tell me the way to Zizkov?
- To Zizkov? You'll have to|turn back this way...
- Back?|- Yes, and then cross the bridge.
Go as far as the Powder Tower,|and there ask again.
Ah, you don't seem to be from Prague|either?
- No, I'm from Vodnany.
- From Vodnany?|So we're almost neighbours!
I'm from Protivin.|- If you're from Protivin,
you must know Pejchar|the butcher on the square?
- Of course I know him,|he's a cousin of mine.
- You don't say!
Aren't you called Jaros?|- I am, Miss.
- And which Jaros family do come from?|Those from Razice?
- From Razice.|- Is your father still delivering beer?
- He is.|- Well, he must be
well over sixty now.
- He was sixty-eight last spring.
- Lux! Lux!
- Three breweries,|where I used to deliver thousands
of tons of hops every year,|were burned down in Belgium.
Another brewery, at Lwow,|was also burned to cinders.
If it goes on like this,|I shall be ruined!
Katy, are your ready?
All this is causing me|so much excitement!
Those losses in business and then|domestic worries on top of it...!
It wasn't the first time.
Last year, she ran away with|an assistant professor,
and as far as Zagreb, too.|Well, at that time I managed to sell
60 tons|of hops to the brewery at Zagreb.
- What's going to happen|to my suitcases?
- Of course, darling,|of course.
Everything is ready.|I have a car waiting downstairs.
- Lieutenant...|- Madam...
- Why didn't you protect me?
You permit him to drag me away|like a lifeless doll!
- Right...|We have to say good - bye now!
- As you wish.
- My compliments,|Lieutenant.
If you should get injured fighting,|come to our place for a rest - cure.
- Come here!
Beg to report, Sir,|I'm bringing you a thoroughbred...
Come on!|...stable dog.
He's got to get used to his new|surroundings.
What's his name?|- Max.
I'll get his pedigree tomorrow.
- Put him into the kitchen|for the time being.
- Come on!
Come on, I tell you... come on!
Don't look so cross, you silly ass!
If you think it over,
every soldier has been stolen|from his home, too...
Lieutenant, subordinates always salute|their superiors!
This regulation has not been abolished!|And now, to the second point:
Since when do Lieutenants take|stolen dogs for a walk? Answer me!
- That dog, Colonel...
...Belongs to me!|That's my Lux!
Did you read in the paper|that colonel
Kraus von Zillergut lost|lost a thoroughbred pinscher?
- I didn't.|- What?
So you didn't read the add|your superior officer put in the paper?
Nice goings on!|And at a time, when we are loosing
hundreds of brave soldiers|at the front every day -
you don't read the advertisements!|And that's supposed to be discipline?
I could advertise 100...|...200... no, 300 years!
- I can assure you,|Sir...
- That it won't happen!|I'll take care of that!
I'm sending you to Budejovice,|so form march battalions!
Right.|For now you can walk about!
Ha, ha! Ha, ha!
...there was heavy fighting...
Yes, that's how it goes...|Yes.
- Schweik!|You stole the dog!
- I didn't steal it.
- But you knew it was stolen!
- I knew.
- Do you know|I feel like sending you
before a military court.
But they'd let you go all the same,
because they've never seen anything|so stupid in their entire lives.
Why did you bring me the beast?
- To make you happy.
- Jesus Christ!
Do you know what a march battalion is?
- March bat.
March co is march company.
We shorten it like that.
- Get ready then!
We'll soon be off|in our march battalions to the front.
Are you happy?
- Lieutenant, it'll be magnificent!
When we fall together
for the Emperor and his family.
End of part one
DC Sniper 23 Days of Fear
D A R Y L 1985
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