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Drowning Mona CD1

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Shit.
I see.
Is that right?
Well, have you ever seen Starlight Express?
- Daddy, of course I have. - Well, face it. It's no West Side Story.
You don't know what kind it was?
It was a mix.
There's English. There's Rednose.
There's Staffordshire. There's all kinds. There's American...
That's what she says: "It was a longhaired pit bull."
- There's no such thing. - That's what I'm sayin'.
- It's an obvious discrepancy. - One of you guys gonna get that?
I'm not attacking him... just working this out.
Carlucci. One second.
Feege, you got a call on two.
We okay here? Because this is just... It's formality.
- I might have to do it all over. - Lieutenant Gruman speaking.
" Lieutenant"?
How can you say that? Rita Moreno was fabulous.
- At least she wasn't on roller skates. - Makin'fun of me 'cause I like Xanadu?
- What? - Lucinda just called.
Let me call you back.
- You know Mona Dearly? - What about her?
She was proceeding southbound on Route 9...
when apparently her vehicle was involved in a 2-11-07.
- What? - She drove into the river.
She's dead, Wyatt.
So what happened to your hand?
This thing? It's nothing. What are you gonna do?
- So what'd you say your name was again? - Maria Lasala.
- That's a nice name. - Thanks.
- So are you married or something? - Maybe.
- She's 13, man. - Yeah. Finally.
- I'm picking you up tomorrow at 9:00. - For what?
- What do you mean, " For what?" For work. - 9:00?
- That's early. - But it's Carlsson's.
- So? - It's Carlsson's Nursery.
I heard you the first time, Bobby. I ain't mute.
I'm just saying, Carlsson's Nursery is gonna make us a lot of money.
I mean, it's gonna save the business.
I get half.
I know.
And none of that "50%" bullshit.
That's it!
What do you think? Should I do the Yellow Apple Six report or Apple Seven?
- What's the difference? - The Yellow Apple Six involves water.
Feege, the car is submerged in water.
What do you think?
- Let's go with Yellow Apple Six. - Yeah.
I think that's a good idea, Feege.
She's dead.
Thank you, Dr. Schwartz.
There he is. Here they come.
So...
you wanna tellJeff about his mom, or do you think we should do it, or...
Yeah.
That's...
We'd be more than happy to do it, Phil.
It's just that coming from you, it may cushion the blow.
Being that he's your son and all.
Well, in that case, it might be best if one of you did it.
Right.
- We could do that. - Do you wanna? I could do it.
- Are you... I could do it. - Who's gonna do it?
- Jimmy's gonna do it. - Yeah. Yeah, I'll handle it.
I got it.
Hey, Jeff. I'm afraid I got some bad news. How you doin', Bobby?
- Where's my car? - It's more serious than your car, Jeff.
Would somebody mind tellin' me what the hell's goin' on here?
It's... I'm afraid...
Your mother was in a car accident. I'm afraid she's dead, Jeff. She's dead.
What was she doin' in my car?
Where you been? Oh, you gotta talk to Mark. We were goin' over the menu...
and I mentioned the boneless breast of chicken, and he's, like, " Boneless?
You never said you wanted boneless." Can you believe that?
I'm, like, "You don't serve chicken bones at a wedding."
God forbid someone chokes to death.
It'll cost an extra five bucks a plate, and at a hundred plates we're lookin'...
at half a grand, $500, just to get rid of the bones.
Like we got that.
What's wrong?
Mona Dearly's dead.
What? You're kiddin' me.
No. I mean, yeah. I mean, no.
No, she's dead.
My God. What happened?
It was just a car accident on the road, I guess.
Well, we gotta celebrate.
What? God, Ellie. Jesus.
She's a human being. "We gotta celebrate." Have some respect.
I don't gotta have respect for no one in that family.
Bobby, think about how they've treated you.
- How they'd treat me? - Badly. They're horrible people.
They're a houseful of freaks.
Hey, Philibuster, check out how fast I'm doin' this.
- Cut it out, would you? - No, I'm on a roll. Look at it.
Cut it out, you little shit, or I'll kill ya!
All right.
Geez.
Now, about the name of this business.
You given any thought to it yet?
Well, I thought we should call it " B.J. Landscapin'."
" B.J."?
- I don't get it. - You know.
" B" for Bobby and "J" forJeff. " B.J. Landscapin'."
Well, I think "J.B." has a nicer ring to it.
Besides, you don't want anyone calling you " Blow Job Landscaping," do you?
Well, then, what if we call it "J.P. 's," right? That's good.
- "J.P. 's" ain't an option, Jeff. - How come, smarty two-shoes?
'Cause his name don't start with " P."
- Yeah. - Oh, Jesus.
- What's that, Mr. Dearly? - You say something, Phil?
- You gonna contribute or what? - Yeah, what do you think?
I think that it's...
Whatever you two decide is...
All right. Thanks, Mr. Dearly.
For what? He didn't say jack!
- Why you kissin' his ass? - I wasn't kissin' his ass.
I thought you were done kissin' ass. He was totally kissin' ass.
- Kiss-ass! - Look at the little kiss-ass!
- You disgust me, you little kiss-ass. - Little kiss-ass.
Get out of my sight.
She deserved it. I bet property values go up. So, you gonna fireJeff?
What? No. Why would I want to fireJeff?
'Cause you been wantin' to for years.
No, I haven't. I stopped wanting to fire him a long time ago.
Well, what about him killin' the Schneider dog?
He didn't kill the Schneider dog. That was an accident when he killed the dog.
Bobby, he ran over it with a lawn mower.
Yeah.
I don't want to talk about it right now. The guy's mother just drove off a cliff.
Yeah. Too bad Jeff wasn't ridin' shotgun.
That would've been funny.
Ever so gracefully...
the yellow Hugo... sort of foating...
It was almost slow motion-like.
And it did a swan dive right into the river.
- A swan dive, huh? - It was tragic and frightening...
yet beautiful in an obtuse way.
- What'd he say? - Clarence?
He said she drove into the river.
You know, Feege, I was looking around up top...
and there was something very odd about this.
- What's that? - There are no skid marks.
She never hit the brakes.
We should do some checking to see if she suffered from any medical conditions...
like narcolepsy or something.
Could've been " Barstein" syndrome.
Yeah.
Rash, she was a lousy driver. It probably caught up with her.
- You knew her pretty well, didn't you? - Our paths crossed time to time.
Juliet, Echo, Papa, Hotel.
You had that little thing with her a while back? A bit of an altercation?
Let me see your hands!
Let me see your hands!
- Why'd you pull us over, Feege? - Let me think about that for a second.
A: You're riding on rims. And B: Just went 2,800 on an officer of the law.
And C: What the hell's the matter with you, Jeff? Oh, boy!
Look what you did!
- I didn't do nothin'! - You scared him half to death!
- He's drunk! - No, he ain't!
Get out of here, ya jerk!
That's okay, baby. Everything's okay. Mommy's here now.
Yes. Okay, baby.
You're gonna pay for this, Feege.
You just lost a lawn service, pal!
It's a real shame, though. Him and Bobby did a fabulous job on my place.
So what do you think, Lucinda?
What do I think? I think she took a turn for the worse and broke her stupid neck.
A fitting end to a less than laudable life.
I'm talkin' about the car.
- I'll have her fixed in no time. - Lucinda.
Look, dude, if somebody rigged it, you'll know.
- I'm countin' on you, all right? - All right. It'll cost you.
- You gonna charge him double? - You know it.
- She's dead. - I know.
I can't believe this.
I mean, it's just... Man, I mean...
This is it, right, Rone? I mean, this is it. I'm...
- I don't like it, Phil, one bit. - What's the matter?
I have to ask you something, and I want you to be honest.
Sure.
- What? - Did you do it?
- Did I do what? - Did you kill her?
- How could you ask me that? - It looks suspicious, Phil.
It was an accident. It was a stroke of good luck.
Good luck doesn't happen to people like us. Good luck happens to Madonna.
Tony and Jimmy D said it could've been slippage on the road or something.
- I don't know. - Sure.
Couple of months, they're gonna find me foatin' at the bottom of the Hudson.
Don't talk like that, baby. Don't talk like that.
'Cause if you're down there, I'm down there.
I'll go down with the catfish.
I'll go swim in the murk.
- Phil? - Yeah.
- Are you okay? - I'll live.
No bacteria. Honest.
I am a priest. A priest. You can't cut me off.
Padre, stow it. You're breakin' my concentration, for cryin' out loud.
Threats notwithstanding, cut the sermon and give me a goddamn beer!
What? You want me to squirt you in front of God and everybody here? I'll do it.
Murph, what's all this about the chicken?
The chickens? We got bigger fish to fry. Get your ass over there. Come on.
- Tell me you didn't do it, Bobby. - Do what?
What do you mean?
Come on. They were killing your business, Bobby.
That whole family was ruining your life.
No, they weren't. They weren't ruining anything.
I didn't do it. Are you crazy? What are you talking about?
I'm just sayin' there's a lot of people that wouldn't blame you if you did.
- Come on, Murph. Jesus Christ. - All right.
I'm just doin' the big brother thing, you know?
I'm just... I'll back off.
Guess who got in an altercation last night.
- Who? - Valerie Antonelli.
- Big talk! Big talk from the big man! - You talkin' to me?
Where's Bobby Calzone when you need him?
What are you gonna do, hit me?
Come on, Murph. She's a girl. You don't let her get slapped around like that.
- What's the matter with you? - She wanted to be a landscaper.
Sue me.
All right. Listen, Murph, what's up with the whole chicken thing?
- You gonna help us out? - Look, if you want somebody to sit...
and yank the bones out of a hundred chickens, it's gonna run you money.
You know, you're the best man at the wedding, Murph.
I'm not making any money on this weddin' as it is.
You're my brother. Can't you do a brotherly deboning or something?
Okay.
How long is this gonna go on? I'm frontin' ya for your business.
I'm helping with your weddin'. Last year I declared you a dependent on my taxes.
I'm havin' a hard time at work, and I'm a little shorthanded with Jeff.
Well, maybe due to the untimely demise of Mona Dearly...
you can finally get rid of that one-armed bandit partner of yours.
Bobby, come on. I can't let you carry me like this.
Wait a second. I have to close the door.
I'm not ready.
You're no fun at all.
You have one new message.
Hi, honey. It's your old dad callin'.
Just wanted to see how plans for the big day are shapin'up.
I thought we could hop over to the diner for some breakfast.
Tomorrow's no good, but maybe Saturday. Okay?
Say "hey"to Bobby. Be good.
- What do you think he wants? - I don't know.
Sounded pretty cryptic. Something about breakfast, Saturday.
Hard to say.
What's wrong?
Nothin'.
Up a lazy river with a robin's song
Awaits the bright new morning
We can loaf along
I just thought I'd stop by and pay my respects.
- Your dad's not home, is he? - No.
I know this is trying times for the two of you.
- You want a beer or something? - No, thanks.
You don't happen to know where he went?
Did your mother suffer from any medical conditions you might know of?
I think she had a personality disorder.
No, not necessarily like that. It's...
It's just there are some aspects to this accident that...
You think someone killed her?
- Well, I didn't do it. - I never said you did.
But if you were to know if somebody had a grudge against her...
or something like that, you know.
Yeah. I don't wanna point any fingers and whatnot, but Bobby Calzone did it.
I find that hard to believe. He doesn't have a violent bone in his body.
Why don't you see how Peaches feels about that?
Peaches? The Schneider dog?
Yeah. With the lawn mower.
- Great job with Peaches, there, Bobby. - Drop dead, asshole.
" But, Bobby, that poor little dog."
" Poor little dog." It was in the way.
You were the one chasin' after it with the lawn mower, not me.
It wasn't my fault.
- It got in the way. - Now we lost that account.
Blame me. Blame me like you blame me for everything else.
- I don't care. - You killed Peaches.
- I would've fired us for that. - Like you never killed a dog?
If you keep losin' our accounts, pretty soon we'll be out of business.
- Then how you gonna take care of Ellen? - "Take care of Ellen."
- Ellen freakin' schmellen. - Honey, I hate to see you guys...
What are you saying? I can't hear you, Mrs. Dearly.
- What? - You're hurting me!
Shut up! One step closer, Jeff, and I swear I'll tear out your ovaries!
- Don't you talk to my boy like that. - Your boy has the IQ of a garden pest!
And so do you, you dumb wench!
- Bobby, I don't think... - What? You don't think?
That's your problem! You don't think!
You don't think! I've had it!
I can't take it anymore! Especially you, Mona Dearly!
What's that supposed to mean?
You know what it means! You know what it means!
He said "ovaries"?
- Yeah, all the time. - And he threatened your mom's life?
- Why didn't you report this? - 'Cause everyone threatened her life.
"Ovaries."
She took a turn for the worse
You know she swam with the fishes
You know she dug in the dirt
Why did she have to die, die
Why did she have to die, die
Catchy.
That was nice.
Thanks. How's that daughter of yours?
- She's great. Thanks for asking. - Yeah? Wedding plans going smooth?
- Like silk on glass. - I want you to take a look under here.
If somebody were to sabotage the brakes...
- "lf'? - "lf." It's a conditional clause.
"lf."
If somebody were to sabotage the brakes, he's got two options.
He can be smart and puncture a hole in the brake fuid tank...
or he can be a total freak and cut all four of the brake lines.
I'll show you. These here are the brake lines.
- They've all been cut. - Total freak.
- That rules out accident... - Slow down, pal.
We're just gettin' started here.
All right. Now...
know what this is?
- I don't know shit about cars. - That's the brake fuid tank.
- What's that hole? - It's a hole.
So I figure the perp...
used some kind of sharp instrument...
a screwdriver, an awl, what have you...
took it, drove it through the tank with a hammer.
Just, bam! See this?
This here? Fetzer valve.
- I'm not familiar with the fetzer. - Nor should you be. Serves no purpose.
- So what's the problem? - Somebody poked a hole in that too.
- Is that bad? - This car was done to death.
- " Done to death"? - Fixed to kill.
" Fixed to kill."
This was no accident.
"Sorry to bother you.
I just wanted to express my sorrow over the loss of your tragic..."
" Hi, Jeff and Phil. I'm really sorry to bother you."
" Hi. Sorry to bother you.
Listen, I just wanted to express my sorrow over the loss of..."
Mr. Dearly.
I just wanted to express my sorrow over the loss of your tragic loved one.
My loved one?
- Your wife passed. - Yeah? Who'd she pass?
What do you want?
Bobby came by to express his loss over our sorry loved one.
- Yeah, I ain't workin' today. - No, you shouldn't work.
You're definitely on a grievance leave...
and I'm just coming by to say that I'm really sorry.
That's great, if that's what you wanna tell yourself.
If you ask me, he sounds real broken up about it.
- I mean, look at him. - Yeah, no kiddin'.
- All right. So... - Listen, Bobby.
If you're tormented by this, you should come by Cubby's Funeral Home tonight...
and have a full release.
Yeah. We're havin' one of them "wake and bake" services.
Yeah. Sure. I'll come by Cubby's.
You do that, you little kiss-ass.
Yeah. Make sure you wear them kiss-ass shoes too.
And that landscapin' kiss-ass T-shirt.
"I'll mow your lawn, I'll trim your hedges and I'll kiss your ass!"
- There he goes. Look at that. - Yeah.
Little hesitation before the kiss. Careful. Don't kiss the dog's ass.
All he talks about is how much the wedding's gonna cost...
and how Jeff s ruining J.B. 's.
I'm worried about him, Dad. It's like he's obsessed.
Well, I'll talk to him, see if I can help.
No. That's all right. You've already done enough.
You know, this is gonna sound terrible, but with Mrs. Dearly dyin'...
this is the first break he's caught in a while.
Okay, folks.
Shame about Mona Dearly, huh? I mean, so young. Tragic.
- It's taken everybody by surprise. - Yeah. Poor family.
- So, what can I get ya? - I'll have the usual and a cup of joe.
And you, hon? You want the heart attack special, just like your daddy?
The vegetarian plate.
Back in a jiff.
A box of friggin' meat for my wedding. Like I'm registered at a deli.
What do you think about "Ice Castles" for a spotlight dance?
- You can't go wrong with "Ice Castles." - That's what I was thinking.
It looks like there's going to be an investigation into this thing.
I have to tell you that this wedding of yours is all anybody's talking about.
And the fact you two even considered having me there... Well, forget about it.
Yeah, well, me and Bobby really want you there, Rone.
Well, I just want you to know it moved me, down deep.
- Really. It moved me. - Good.
Enjoy your meal.
- So where was I? - You said you were gonna investigate.
Right.
- What I was thinkin' was... - Goddamn it.
Don't give me that shit, Phil.
I am not overreacting. He was there. He was talkin' to Ellen.
- Come on, sweet nipple. - Don't "sweet nipple"me, Phil.
But we got nothing to do with it, honey. I'm dumpin' her stuff right now.
What does that have to do with anything?
Do you know why our prisons are so overcrowded?
- I don't know. Too many criminals? - Wrongful imprisonment, Phil.
Erroneous convictions. Eleven percent of all inmates currently serving time...
are counterfactually incarcerated for crimes uncommitted.
Did you ever see Tom Selleck in An Innocent Man?
- Yeah. Was that with Kurt Russell? - Phil, look.
Rash is askin' a lot of questions about all of you...
and I don't like one bit what he's insinuating, not one bit.
Relax, Vanna.
He's just doin' his... Oh, shit.
- Rash is here. - What?
I gotta go.
- Hey, Chief. - Hope I didn't catch you at a bad time.
I was just gettin' ready for Mona's wake. How you doin'?
I'm fine.
That's a really nice picture of the two of you.
I can't tell you how sorry I am about Mona.
She was a passionate and committed woman.
This is probably the exact wrong time to ask you...
Whatever I can do to help. I mean, you know me. I'm a team player.
I need to ask you a couple of questions about your wife.
Yeah? What about her?
Phil, sweetie, you got a minute for me?
Honey, they're lookin' for the shooter.
Get in here, Phil.
You should've seen this guy, taking potshots in his skivvies.
He looked like Father Tom.
- Yes, dear? - Where were you this afternoon?
- But... - Where the hell were ya?
I called the warehouse. You were MIA.
You sure you had the right number?
- Oh, boy. - Who is she, Phil?
- Who's who? - What's her name?
Sweetness. Oh, Jesus, honey, you could hurt somebody with that.
I don't wanna hurt someone, Phil. I wanna hurt you!
- What's gotten into you? - You.
- You don't find me attractive no more? - Of course I don't... do.
You got something goin' on, don't you, Phil? Don't you?
You've been playing Wheel of Fortune with someone else.
Don't tell anyone, but...
I was a battered husband.
Phil, that was the Wednesday night prior to the accident?
That's right.
And at no point during the evening did you leave the house?
No, I was watching TV the entire evening.
What aboutJeff?
Well, him and Mona had a fight earlier that night.
- Do you recall what was said? - Yeah.
He said she was an embarrassment to the family and then took off.
The kid was lit up like a Christmas tree. I've never seen him so drunk.
Yeah. Yes.
I was talkin' to Ellen earlier.
She told me you were worried about finances.
And I just... You know, you and I are practically family now...
and, you know, you shouldn't have to bear that burden alone.
If ever you wanna talk or get something off your chest...
I appreciate that.
Just imagine that you're Annie and I'm Daddy Warbucks.
- Daddy Warbucks. - Yeah.
Or I'm Auntie Mame, and you're little Patrick.
Yeah?
Well, tell me something, Bob.
What did you think about Mona Dearly?
She was the worst person I ever knew in my entire life.
How you doing?
- I just came to giveJeff his pay. - How come you're all dolled up?
- I'm taking Ellie to dinner theater. - Come on.
- What you gonna see? - Oh, Calcutta.
Get over here. Give me my money.
Look at this guy.
What is this? You trying to tell me it's what I've been bustin' my anus for?
For 287.50?
- It's always 287.50. - He's tryin' to rip me off.
- You holdin' out on us, Calzone? - Where's the rest of it, you dick?
- Looks to me like he's wearin' it. - Yeah.
Nice shoes.
- This is a joke, right? - No, you're a joke.
- You guys are kidding, right? - Kidding?
You feel like laughing? Laugh at this.
- Kick his ass, Mom, yeah! Get in there. - You're payin' for that headlight!
- What are you doing? Get out of there. - Take it out ofJeffrey's pay!
Yeah.
Get out of there. What are you doin'?
- Let go! - God! I mean, enough's enough.
All I wanted was a nice, professional business so Ellie and I could have...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what this is?
This is the world's smallest tambourine.
- And it's playin' some song. - Shut up! That's a violin.
Give me that thing. Give me that.
I think it's time we start talkin' about dissolvin' the business.
- Nothing personal. It's business. - No way.
- Don't even think about it, scumbag. - Yeah.
As I see it, you got two options:
- Buy us out or pray for an early death. - Yeah, get out of here, you mooch.
Go enjoy your dinner theater.
But, you know, she probably had her good points too.
Well, most people have two sides.
Yeah, well, she just showed me the one.
- ThatJeff Dearly, man. - What about him?
You gotta hand it to him.
Jeff, what's your handle?
- Jeff, hands up. - What's your handle?
Speaking of which, guess what I heard.
- That's not a logging accident. - What's the difference?
Why? What'd you hear?
What about that fishing accident?
- Are you serious? - See?
Wow.
"It's a terrible loss."
"It's a terrible loss."
What a void in my life
All right.
" Father Tom, it has been difficult."
" Father Tom, it has been difficult."
"It's been really hard."
Jeff, come on. We don't wanna miss this.
- Let's go. - Yeah. Right.
- What's wrong? - Nothing.
- What did your dad wanna see you about? - Nothing.
He just asked me some questions about Mrs. Dearly.
What about her? What kind of questions?
- About the accident. - What does he think?
He doesn't think anything.
Really? I mean, you'd tell me, right, if he said something?
For chrissakes, Bobby!
All right. I'm sorry. I don't...
I don't care. I don't know why I'm asking.
With Jeff not at work, I'm shorthanded. L...
I'm just really tired.
- What did you want to talk to me about? - Forget about it.
Do you imagine the Dearlys were like us when they were our age?
No. She was always fat.
What time is it?
- 8:30. - Jesus. I'm dyin' over here.
Keep in mind we're remembering a lifetime.
Yeah. All right. Ten more minutes, then.
To hell with it. Let's go.
Hey, Cubby.
Me and Jeff don't think there's much point hangin' out, you know.
In my experience...
wakes aren't very well attended.
I've found that oftentimes the tragedy is so recent...
that loved ones are, in effect, paralyzed...
by their grief.
Listen. Who are we kiddin', huh?
No one's gonna come, not with the game on.
Oh, shit. I got money on that game.
Yeah. You and everyone's mother.
- I thought you were comin' by. - Yeah.
You know, yeah.
You know, I can't say your mom was good people...
- Are those pies fresh? - No.
- Shame about Mona. - Yeah, well, you snooze, you lose.
Hey, guys. How you doin'? All right?
- Can we sit down already? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take that booth.
Thanks, babe.
What?
- Good evening, friends. - Jesus, Cubby!
You've got...
You've got nice pictures in here.
- I appreciate that. Thank you. - Yeah.
- Where is everyone? - Jeff and Phil are at the Palace...
getting some grub, but if you care to look at the deceased...
Sure.
- Wow. - Yeah.
- She looks so peaceful. - In death, one finds serenity.
I guess.
Beautiful.
Dynamite stuff. That's fantastic.
- Some turnout. - Yeah.
So who showed up?
Bobby and Ellen stopped by about an hour ago.
Otherwise, it's just been me and my dinner date.
Tell me something, Cubby. You notice anything odd lately?
Other than the fact that no one seems to care about this woman's death?
- Along those lines. - Hell, Wyatt...
I've seen people more upset over losing change in a candy machine.
Who says you can't catch nothin' in the river?
Feege is right. We should show a little respect.
Jeff, why don't you say a word?
- Jeff, why don't you say a word? - About what?
About your mother.
To Mom. Yeah, she was kind of mean, but she was still my mom.
Someone had to be.
All right, everybody. Let's hear a nice round of applause...
for our final contestant, Mona Dearly.
All right. Nice grouping.
Everybody, give her another round of applause.
Now we await the judges' decision.
The judges are deciding who will win the coveted Golden Angel.
The winner of Verplanck's knife-throwing contest is...
Bobby Calzone!
Oh, my God! I never win anything.
Just a goddamn minute!
- You didn't vote for me. - Well, sorta.
"Sorta"? They all say " Bobby."
- Really? - Phil, you're my husband.
- You're supposed to support me. - Yeah, but Bobby had really good form.
- Thanks, Mr. Dearly. - You're welcome, Bob.
- We're just having a little fun here. - Fun?
I lost, Wyatt. I'm a loser. Does that sound like fun to you?
- Mona, I'm sorry that you lost, but... - Yeah.
It's just a lousy little contest. I know.
- Everybody can't be a winner, Mona. - But I've never been a winner.
- I've never had my chance. - You're blowin' this out of proportion.
- It's just a knife-throwing contest. - To you, maybe.
But not to me. I really wanted this...
just for one day, one day, to be a winner.
To have everybody look at me and say, "Yo, way to go, Mona."
Would it have killed you to let me take home that prize, huh?
Just for one day, to let me feel good about myself?
I don't know what to say.
You can have the trophy. I'm gonna have a second chance.
Why don't you take that trophy and shove it up your ass, Calzone?
Mona, Bobby's just trying to help.
- I don't need his sympathy. - Know what my mother used to say?
" Life gives you potatoes: make potato salad."
Well, life handed me a pile of shit. What am I supposed to make out of that?
Shit salad?
Just shut up.
The whole pack of youse just shut up!
Come here.
Look. I've been thinkin'.
Oh, no. Don't.
Listen to me.
Jeff Dearly's key chain is on a rack in his kitchen.
- Great. Wonderful. - But where's it supposed to be?
- I have no idea. Why don't you tell me? - Hanging from the ignition...
of the victim's car.
- What about Mona's keys? - That's what I'm sayin'.
Mona's keys were on Jeff s key ring in the kitchen.
Jeff s keys were on Mona's key chain in the car.
So somebody switched their keys?
- Definitely. - No, I don't think so.
Oh, you don't think so?
As far as I'm concerned, " Ding-dong, the witch is dead." End of story.
One less ain't gonna kill her.
It's kinda weird, you know, seein' the tombstone and all.
" Demoted wife, mother and dressmaker."
I didn't know your mom was a dressmaker.
Me neither.
Guess what. They're callin' Mona's accident a "case"...
which means they don't think she died because of some slippery road.
- So? - So that means there's an investigation.
It means they have leads. Phil, I watch A&E.
I understand the way a cop's mind works.
You see, they see you standin' here touchin' me...
and the next thing you know, there's the background check and the profile...
and the psychological workup.
- I just came for lunch. - Phil, these are smart guys.
These are really, really smart guys. They have tools.
- Tools? - Yeah. Of the trade?
So what are you tryin' to say?
Just stop bein' so damn conspicuous, would you, please?
Okay.
Good. I'll see you later at the Charm.
- Yeah. - Stop it!
- What's up? - Light beer, please.
So Chief Rash has been snoopin' around a bit.
What do you think he's lookin' for?
Hard to say, Phil. What do you think?
- Been gettin' much sleep lately, Bob? - Yep.
DC Sniper 23 Days of Fear
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