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Easy Six

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23.976
Milton awaits, Jason.
{Y:i}"Mortals...
{Y:i}that...
{Y:i}works...
{Y:i}follow...
me...
love...''
.Hi!|.Good morning, Rachel.
l was beginning to teach|to an empty classroom.
''Virtue.
She alone is free.
She can...
teach...
ye...
how to climb...
higher than the sphery chime.
Or if virtue feeble were...
heaven itself would stoop to her.''
You know, Rachel...
without the rest of your classmates...
it 's probably better that|we discuss this next semester...
and take an early break.
Janet, what a surprise. l'm just|preparing for my Milton conference.
Really? Sam was just|telling me you were making...
some copies of personal material|on the faculty machine.
l'm sure he was. l'll be happy|to reimburse the college...
Let me finish. lt occurred to me|you really should be working now...
teaching your final class,|not making copies or...
certainly not preparing|for your trip to Las Vegas.
l planned to, but nobody|turned up, or almost nobody.
So l dismissed early.
Are you happy here, Packard?|Do you like teaching here?
Yes, very much.
.Merry Christmas, Janet!|.Frank! Of course...
.Merry Christmas.|.Merry Christmas to you...
and Merry Christmas to you, Sam!
Frank, are we going to have another|championship season this year?
l'm telling you, the Catfish|are looking good, buddy.
That 's good.
Go, Catfish!
All right!|Let 's go!
Merry Christmas|to Bill and the two kids.
{Y:i}-Taken!|.Merry Christmas, Sam.
l admire your enthusiasm|for those two.
Brown nose, Pack.|Brown nose.
You kiss Janet 's butt,|and l guarantee you...
she'll let bygones be bygones.
Yes, but, telling a joke in class|is hardly a capital offense.
l'm not going to growl over|something l didn't think was wrong.
l fully agree with you.
lt 's just not fair.
You're sure you don't mind looking|for Sally while you're in Vegas?
No, of course not.
l try to reach her,|and she just doesn't call back.
lt 's a daddy's worry.
lt would be so, so nice|if l could see her for Christmas.
lt 's not a problem. l'm looking|forward to seeing Sally again.
Thank you.
You know, she loves you.
You're the only professor|who didn't fail her.
.Santa left you a gift.|.He did?
.Wow!|.Open it.
lt 's for Vegas.
.Good luck.|.l appreciate it, but...
it 's not a holiday, it 's a|conference, and l don't gamble.
Well, you should gamble, 'cause|now you're going to have good luck.
First, you score at the table,|and then you score some skirt.
''Her buttocks is strong,|breast is round and high...
she was hair.faired,|and l won't lie.''
l can't wait till you to come home|and tell me some whore stories!
Frank!
.Good evening, sir.|.Thank you.
l'm with the Milton conference, and|l think it 's in the Dug Out Room.
Dug Out Room,|right through those doors.
Thank you.
.Welcome.|.Hello.
To the last Milton conference.
The new name didn't help.
l've told you who l am.|l'm looking for Sally.
What are you? Some kind of|private detective or something?
No, l'm an old|English professor of hers.
Bullshit!
Fuck off!
l'm here for a conference. l just|want to get in touch with her.
Say something|in English Literature.
.What?|.See? You're full of shit!
All right...
''When that pretty|With the shower sweeter
The draft of much|Hath pierced to the root''
How about something in English?|Have you ever heard of Shakespeare?
''Tell me, where is fancy bred?|ln the heart or in the head?
How begot?|How nourished?
Reply, reply!
lt is engendered|ln the eyes with gazing fed
Then fancy dies|ln the cradle where it lies
Let us all ring fancy's knell|l'll begin it
Ding, dong|Ding, dong, bell''
Okay, all right.
Sally's at work,|at the Paradise lnn.
ls that a hotel?
lt 's a restaurant.|Seafood, actually.
Thank you.|What 's your name?
Samantha.
Excuse me.|This is the Paradise lnn?
Well, it sure is, honey.
.Where's the dining room?|.Dining room?
There's no dining room here.
l'm a little confused.|ls this a...
Brothel?
This is the best legal brothel|in all of Nevada.
You want me to send the girls out.
Yes.
They'll be out in a minute.
Ladies!
This is Crystal.
And Sandy.
And Chantelle.
And Paula.
And this...
This is Natalie.
Would you like|to make a choice, sir?
Natalie.
So, you've found out|my simple secret.
l bet you're going to give me|a morality talk now. Well...
you're welcome to try the ''What are|you doing with your life?'' speech.
l get that all the time.
Usually, afterward, though.
Aren't you shocked?
l'm speechless.
What do you think?
Don't you wish|l had done night class?
Your father asked me|to check up on you.
What am l supposed to tell him?
You can keep a secret, can't you?
l don't know.
.Don't go yet.|.Sorry, but l have to go.
l don't understand|why you're so afraid.
l saw the way you used|to look at me in class.
.What do you mean?|.You had such...
a crush on me.|Everybody knew about it.
l'll tell your father|l couldn't find you.
There's plenty of pretty girls here.|lf you don't like me, you should...
stay a while,|and have some fun.
This is from your father.
So l gave her the ticket,|and l left. l mean...
it 's the dumbest thing.
l don't think so at all. You got|a chance to nail your dream girl.
That 's not the point.|Besides, Frank is my friend...
but she's in trouble...
and l don't know what to tell him.
l wouldn't tell him|anything at all.
But isn't it my moral obligation?
Look where morality|and obligation have gotten you.
No offense, Pack, but you're|not getting any younger, right?
Sometimes, you have to do something|wrong, because maybe it feels right.
Well, that sounds|like moral relativism.
Come with me for a second.
Seven. Win a seven. Put it on the|seven. We're gonna shoot it now.
lt 's your best dice.|Seven or eleven. Come on!
Same luck at shooting...
You know why people|lose money at gambling?
People lose money at gambling 'cause|they try to win honestly...
squarely, according to the rules,|but the house...
doesn't play its rules.|The house...
builds in a1O% advantage|for itself.
So the squares they get|slowly fucked, right?
The way to win is to bet against|the suckers, bet the house...
wrong betting...
Craps betting is what works.|You go against what seems right...
and win.
l know you're trying|to set me straight...
but my system, the old system of|good and bad, right and wrong...
works.
Well, l'm going to join the game.|Are you interested?
No, l don't think so,|but good luck.
Six, easy six, right on six.
Don't let the winner leave loaded.
Come on, now. Get him down.|We gotta shoot him, folks.
All right, get them now.|Same shooter.
Easy six!
lt 's pretty easy.|Bet on nine, bet on six.
Come bet. Come on, folks.|Same lucky shooter.
Magic fingers.
We got a winner on our team, huh?
Hey!
We don't want|any wrong betters here.
This is a hot table.
Bitching karma!
Gonna bet now. Same lucky shooter.|Now, here we go.
lt must be that hat.
At 3, crap 3.|Hide away. Hide away.
Fuck, man, you're fucking up|the karma here.
Here's 1OO bucks.
Why don't you go play|another table?
No, thanks.
We got a new shooter coming out.|New shooter.
Get your bets down,|get your hands up.
Bets down.|New shooter coming out.
Coming out away.|Better has come in the go.
Smart guy.|You're betting against the table.
Coming out,|lucky shooter, coming out.
Nine, we're out on nine!|Place to fight.
Nine will do it.|Nine is the number.
Nine will do it, shooter.
Fuck this!
Thanks for that karma, asshole!
No win on this goddamn thing.
.Fuck!|.Samantha!
.You know each other, huh?|.We have a mutual friend.
You won a lot of money.|Looking for some place to spend it?
Somebody?
No? Here, l'll tell you what.
You want to spend it somewhere, you|want to go somewhere, let me know.
You should give me a buck.|l can win a lot of money for you.
l feel this thing is going to win.|lt 's going to hit. Look!
Elvis...
there is somewhere|l'd like to go.
Well, let me take you there.
l got a sweet limo.
lt 's a1965. Last of them left.|So, what were you playing?
Craps.
Oh, craps. A big buddy of mine,|Jason, is a big craps player.
ln Nam, he caught a chunk|of VC shrapnel...
right in the temple.
Doctors wouldn't remove it 'cause|they thought it would kill him...
so they left it in.
Only thing is now he can't get|too close to a magnetic field.
lt gives him a big|fucking headache.
But Jason's a craps player, right?
So he's got to stand|in the middle of the crap table.
.Do you want to ask why?|.Why?
Because each end of the craps table|is magnetized.
So if he gets too close to the ends,|he gets a big fucking headache.
You look surprised.
Fixes in.
When a table gets on a roll,|the house switches out the dice.
They drop a pair of tricked dice|with metal in it...
make it turn sevens on their own,|and bust the table.
My buddy, poor sucker.
l gotta tell you:|he loses money like crazy.
l mean screaming crazy.
lf he knows it 's fakes, why doesn't|he bet the house? l did.
The guy's got a big piece of metal|in his fucking head.
Me, l want to sue him, but l can't|find a lawyer, and he'll resent me.
Are you a lawyer?|Good, l hate those cocksuckers.
You're pretty quiet.
l like that sometimes.
Thinking.
Just thinking.
Are you a vet?
No, l'm not a vet.
Have you ever seen ''Rambo''?
.l've heard of it.|.That was me.
.Really?|.John Rambo. lt 's based it on me.
l was a Special Forces|sniper, in Nam.
7O to 72.
Counter insurgents|behind enemy lines.
199 confirmed kills.
That 's incredible.
Then, the war ended. Everything|turned to shit. Old story.
At least, you got to sell yours|to Hollywood.
What, are you kidding?|The fuckers stole it.
Changed everything into bullshit.
Sorry.
So... Can l ask you|a question about Elvis?
Fuck Elvis.
Don't get me started|on fucking Elvis.
l must be crazy.
l think l'm going to call you Pack.|Dr. Schmidt just sounds weird.
Something strange has happened|the last couple of days. lt 's as if...
something has changed.
l think it 's good, Pack. Maybe|you're coming out of your shell.
Have a seat next to me.
So, in honor of your first time,|l'll give you Paradise Special...
for the price of the French Date.
That 's intercourse.
Yeah, yeah, everything.|Just...
no extra girls, no equipment,|and no Socrates.
Socrates?
Up the ass, you know?|l don't do that.
Neither do l.
You'll do fine.|lt will be fun. Just relax.
.l do a very convincing orgasm.|.You do?
So...
if you'd just go|in the wash basin and then...
.You know.|.l'm sorry, l don't.
Dick.check time.
So...
did Tracy Apples passed your class?
Yes. l gave her A minus.
Why?|Just 'cause she's pretty?
What do you mean?
You give all the pretty girls|automatic A's.
Tracy copied her term paper|off the lnternet...
and then went around bragging|about it. l couldn't believe it.
You didn't catch her.
Did you know what|your nickname at school was?
Doctor Dirty Jokes, right?
Oh, yeah. They used to call you|''Professor Pack of Shit''.
So make yourself comfortable.|Just don't get under the covers.
Oh, Christ!|l don't know about this.
Are you going somewhere?
Your orgasm...|Was it real?
Yeah... Sure.|Of course, Pack.
Sally, l don't mean to lecture you,|but what are you doing here?
.l can ask you the same thing.|.No, seriously.
What will become|of you if you stay here?
Look...
Look, you paid to fuck and l'm tired|of chatting, so our session's over.
.l could help you if you'd let me.|.Right.
You could come and stay for a while|until you're back on your feet.
l mean it.
l'd eat you alive.
You really should go.
Your time's up.
Sally...
No kissing.|lt spreads germs.
lt 's a souvenir|to mark your first time here.
lt goes on your key ring.
Yeah, l'll trade you.
Well, thanks, honey.
Hello?
"Hl","Frank."
Sally, is that you?
{Y:i}-Dld Dr. Schmldt flnd you?|.Yeah, yeah. He did.
Oh, Sally.
lt 's strange.|He didn't call me and tell me.
But that doesn't matter.|Never mind.
lt 's just so good|to hear your voice again.
l miss you so much.
l'm going to come home|for Christmas.
Oh, Sally.
That 's wonderful!
That 's wonderful, Sally.
You're really going to like|your Christmas present.
Sweetheart, forget the presents.
You coming home|is gift enough for me.
.lt 'll just be so nice to see you.|.l gotta go.
l love you.
l'd like to begin our discussion|of erotic images in Milton...
by starting|with a brief presentation...
matched with selected images.
''But come thou Goddess|Fair and free
ln heaven ycleped Euphrosyne
And by Men Heart.easing...
Mirth
Whom lovely Venus at a birth
So rosy, so pink''
May l help you, ma'am?
Yeah. ls Pack here?
ln Boticelli's Venus...
of the shell, and the water and this|fertile flowing fag and sexuality.
Hey, Sally!
Who is that?|Why are we running?
Sally!
l have to talk to you.
May l ask you the nature|of this intrusion?
Officer?
We're getting complaints about|girls working out of the casinos.
Donnie, l'm not working.
Oh, really?|Maybe l'll believe that.
So you must be her father,|am l right?
Pleased to meet you, sir.
Actually,|l'm a friend of the family.
Right, of course.|The old friend of the family.
l'm not fucking working!
What are you doing|for a living now?
l'm a registered hostess in Clark|County, license number HE148976.
Let 's see your sheriff's card.
Give it to me!
So you decided|to go legit now, huh?
You're sure you're not doing|any jobs on the side with...
friends of the family.
Hell, no, Donnie,|l wouldn't want to risk my license.
Sally, Sally, Sally, Sally...
...you just stay out of trouble.|.Thanks.
Oh, and,|hey Mr. Friend of the Family...
did you know here in Clark|County you can be arrested...
for patronizing a hooker,|like Sally?
Thank you for|that information, officer.
Don't mention it.
.Rude man. l'm just helping.|.Yeah, it 's Vegas.
Again.
Cool.
Do you know what they call|a head of masturbating cattle?
Beef stroganoff.
Strange thing. l almost got fired|for telling that silly little joke.
Maybe it would've been best.
What do you mean?
l mean, it 's obvious|you don't fit in there.
Well, fitting in|has never been easy for me.
That 's why l left England.
American colleges, when l first|arrived, were free and loose.
Refuges for intellectualism|and radical thinking.
Now, they're just part|of the big corporate economy...
like a department store.
The administrators|are like store managers...
the professors are the clerks...
and the students|are the almighty customers.
Why do you let everyone|push you around?
Who?
Everyone. The students, faculty...|Especially the students.
Like l said,|the students are the customers...
and the customers are always right.
Do you know|when l gave my last ''fail''?
lt was before your time, nearly 7|years ago, a girl called Nora Vallum.
Well, Nora Vallum|hardly ever came to class...
she never did homework,|did a miserable exam...
and she was argumentative|in my conference with her.
l had no hesitation in failing her.
Now, she complained|to Janet Vanderpour...
that the reason she didn't come|to class was to protest the fact...
that l only taught|one woman writer...
in my Renaissance fiction seminar,|that l was sexist.
Well, the dean instructed me|to give her a B plus...
and to reconsider my curriculum.
So, what did you do?
At first,|l thought about quitting...
and then l thought about fighting.
And then l compromised.
l gave Nora her grade...
but l went on teaching what l wanted|to teach, but as a concession...
l only ever give students|A's and B's since then.
That way everyone is satisfied.
l look good,|as if l'm doing a great job...
students get the grades they want,|but are never prepared to work for.
And the administration is happy.
Are you happy?
Yes, of course.
l mean, what choice do l have?
Don't you need to get that?
"Hey","Pack!"
Pack, it 's Frank.
Hey, Sally's coming home|for Christmas.
Yeah. She said you found her.|Why didn't you call me and tell me?
Because she wanted|to be the one to tell you.
That 's what l figured.|Listen...
l just can't tell you|how much l appreciate it.
.Oh, it 's nothing.|.Pack, are we going to...
What was that?|You got somebody there?
Don't be ridiculous.
You got lucky!
You got lucky! There's somebody|with you, isn't there?
You know l'm not like that, Frank.
The rabbit 's foot worked!
Hey, let me talk to her.
l don't think that 's a good idea.
Come on.|Put the phone up to her ear.
Hi, sweetheart.
What 's your name, honey?
{Y:i}Come on.|"Talk to me","baby."
l have to go now, Frank.
Yes.|Bye.bye.
You didn't tell me|you'd call Frank.
lt doesn't matter. l would just|like to have been more prepared.
You're treating the text like|it 's dead, lrv...
and that you're the only one|qualified to do the postmortem.
l... l have more respect|for the form...
You have more respect...|Suddenly...
Milton enslaved his daughters|to read for him after he went blind.
Doesn't that outrage you?
Pack, be the voice of reason.|Speak to this young man.
You've been really strange, Pack.|What 's gotten into you?
Tell me about the girl.
Forget it.
Come on...
Come on, tell me.
You know l'm going to get it|out of you, Pack.
You had somebody|in your room, didn't you?
.Admit it.|.Okay, you win. Listen...
There was a streetwalker.|l gave her a hundred dollars.
She was thrilled, l was thrilled.|That 's it, that 's all.
You finally came down of your perch|and had sex with somebody.
Oh, man!
Don't worry about it.|Don't worry.
One of those peep show beauties|is gonna think about you and go...
l didn't want|to talk about it, Frank.
What happened?|Something went wrong?
.Nothing went wrong, Frank.|.Something went wrong.
What happened?
All right. She had a name like one|of those succulent hooker names:
Candy, Honey, Peaches, what?
.Natalie. Her name is Natalie.|.Natalie?
.Natalie?|.l'll see you later, Frank.
Natalie?
All right!
What?
The decorations. l put them out.|You put them up.
Hello, Pack.|Welcome to our humble bowl...
and a Merry Christmas Eve to you.
Thank you for inviting me.
lt 's been a long time since l put|decorations on a Christmas tree.
Hello, Sally.
.Hi.|.That 's not how we were raised.
.Stand up and shake his hand.|.lt 's all right, Frank, l mean...
Sally and l saw|each other in Vegas.
All right.|Have a seat.
Shouldn't we begin the decorations?
Well, that 's what l wanted to do.|lt 's all about Sally.
And, for some reason,|Sally's not interested.
All right.
Why don't you just sit down|and have a drink?
The beer's for you.
Oh, l'm sorry.|l forgot the bottle opener.
.l'll go get you one.|.l think l have one in my key chain.
Where's the rabbit 's foot|that l gave you?
.lt 's at home.|.At home? Why?
Did you put something new|on there?
Nothing special.
.Why are you being so secretive?|.Frank, leave him alone!
You're always|pushing people around.
lt 's not a problem.|Here.
''Paradise lnn''.|That 's a hotel or something?
.lt 's a restaurant.|.Restaurant?
That wasn't so difficult, was it?
Come on, Pack. l bet Sally would|love to hear about your adventures.
Well, all in all, it was fun.
Fun? Fun?|l think it was more than just fun!
.Now is not the time, Frank.|.Come on! Tell us about...
Natalie.|Natalie!
Come on.
Oh, man! Dice, women, booze!|l wish l'd been with you.
Viva Las Vegas.
Viva Las Vegas, Frank.
Hello?
Hello, Sally.
What are you doing|calling me here?
Okay. Okay.
l'll see you at eight.
l don't know. Teaching's not|worse than any other job.
Yes, but it 's no better.
Well, quit if you|don't like it, l mean...
change your life.
That 's it exactly.|l thought l could move to Vegas...
and maybe get a job in a casino.
And you and l...
That 's just not realistic, Pack.
l know, but l'm sick|of being realistic.
Before l met you, Sally, my life was|a triumph of realism over fantasy...
of maturity over passion.
My life has been ruined|by a cowering fear of change.
You're just getting|a little carried away, l think.
Yes, l am, and l like it.
l'm in love with you, Sally.
Well, there's just|one problem with that.
What?
l'm not in love with you.
You're not?
No!
Well, l can make you|fall in love with me.
lt doesn't work like that.
.But you like me.|.Yeah.
That 's a start.|That 's enough initially, l mean...
l'm a little further ahead than you.
You're miles ahead of me.
This was just, you know,|like a fuck or two. You'll...
You'll see.
You'll cool down in a little bit,|things will go back to normal and...
l'll go back to Vegas,|and you'll...
start teaching again and, you know,|it will just be a memory to you.
lt 's not what l want.
That 's what l want.
And where does it leave us?
Well, let 's have supper.
l... l ate before l came over.
l should go.
Frank?
Frank?
Frank?
You stink!
You miserable piece of shit!
What 's going on?|You're drinking.
.l'm sorry, Frank.|.You're sorry?
You say you're sorry.
And you've ruined|my daughter's fucking life.
l haven't ruined her life.
You've ruined your life.
l'll come back and we'll talk about|this when you've come down.
You don't get it, do you?
You're finished.|lt 's over.
l'm going to see you fry.
You turned my daughter|into a whore!
That 's ridiculous!
You're going to stand there|and deny that to my face?
l think something's burning.
You pretended to be my friend.
.You made a monkey out of me.|.l'm leaving!
Sally is not going to see you|anymore. She's grounded.
Grounded?|Frank, she's not a child!
You're challenging me?
You forced sex on my daughter?|Don't you challenge me!
Trust me, Frank.|Have dessert and you'll feel better.
You know what they call it when a|man forces himself on a young girl?
.Just punch me.|.Do you know what they call it?
.l didn't force anything on Sally.|.Rape, that 's what they call it.
They call it...|They call it rape.
Get it out of your system.|Punch me, kick me or something.
l don't even need to punch you.
l've already passed the pictures|to Janet Vanderpour...
and l told her about the felon|working in her English department.
And l called the police,|and my attorney.
And there's going|to be a full investigation...
of all the times you told obscene|jokes in front of your class...
and of all the times|you forced sex on your students.
.Frank, that 's outrageous!|.You're fucked!
You're finished.
l came here to apologize to you,|to explain what happened in Vegas.
This... This is crazy!|l'm leaving.
Merry Christmas.
Now, get off my property!
l thought l was going|to control myself.
lverson, you've got to learn|to control yourself!
"-Eat thls","asshole!"|.Nut job!
{Y:i}Aren't you lnterested ln hearlng|my slde of the story?
{Y:i}"Of course","Packard. But we were able"|to come to a declslon without you.
We're going to need you|to sign a few papers.
l don't care.|l don't give a single shit.
You can't suspend me|or fine me because...
You quit?
l feel sorry for you, Janet,|because you spend all day...
in your ivory tower looking out|over your kingdom...
in your throne, your cast chair|that 's been farted in by...
two generations|of vain frustrated administrators.
And your kingdom is a third.rate|provincial college...
that has whored itself out to the|whims of its ignorant students.
Oh, really, Packard?
Don't say things now|that you will regret later.
Sam, l'm not talking to you.|So kindly shut the fuck up.
Janet, the truth is you've|grown old and sold out.
You live and breathe|fraud and hypocrisy.
You and your kind...
cheated the students off their|one opportunity of learning...
by giving them diplomas|l wouldn't wipe my ass with.
l understand|you're upset, Packard...
but it doesn't excuse that kind|of talk. lt 's unprofessional.
lt 's unprofessional?|l'll show you unprofessional!
Janet, in the vernacular, eat me!
Hello, sir.|How are you tonight?
Very well, thank you.
l pulled you over because your car|is pretty badly damaged.
l just wanted to make sure|there wasn't any problem.
Well, sir, that was very considerate|of you. There's no problem.
Would you do me a favor, sir?
Come and talk to me|by the patrol car.
.72, 64, 56, 48...|.Now, by sevens.
.From where?|.From where you are.
41, 35, 28...
.21...|.Okay, that 's enough.
Approach the car.
Hands in front, please.
Here's the story. You didn't|do well enough to let you go.
l'll have to take you down|for a blood test.
But, officer, l've had one beer.|l'm not drunk.
The rule is if it 's detectable,|it 's bookable. Zero tolerance.
.l hope you're pleased...|.lt 's not that bad.
lt 's not a felony.|This is your first offense, right?
There isn't any offense. You|haven't convicted me of anything.
Look, Mr. Schmidt, it 's no big deal.|Most jobs won't fire you for D.U.l.
The jail part you can do|on weekends. That 's easy.
And you can get your license back in|a year if you go to AA once a week.
.l'm not an alcoholic.|.lt doesn't matter.
lt 's very important you tell them|you're an alcoholic.
They'll go easier on you.
They just hate people who|won't admit they're alcoholics.
Sally...
{Y:i}-Hl.|.Hi.
How did Frank get those photos?
Well, l... l brought|them back to give to him.
That was the whole point...
but then l felt bad because|l didn't want to hurt you, so...
l threw them away,|but he found them anyway.
Don't you believe me?
l don't understand.
What did Frank do to you?
l'm so miserable.
l just wish l were dead.
No, don't say that, Sally.
You weren't doing|anything stupid, were you?
lt wouldn't be the first time.
l love you.
l just wish l was at work|for Christmas, l mean...
At least there you get paid|when you get fucked.
{Y:i}-No swearlng on the phone.|-Who was that?
l'm in jail.
Why?
D.U.l.
You really do have shit for luck.
l have to see you, Sally.
l don't think that 's a good idea.
l have to see you.|l get out today.
l can't.|Sorry.
{Y:i}You've reached|the lverson resldence.
{Y:i}Leave us a message.
l'm going to go get some|take out from Wallace...
and when l get back|l expect this tree...
to be dressed and beautiful.
lt 's not even Christmas anymore.
What do you think l am?
A turd...
a piece of shit that you can...
scrape from your shoe|and forget about.
Don't you think l know|what you've been up to...
the games you've been playing,|toying with me?
Well, that 's going to stop now.
You're mine,|and you're going to stay mine...
until l decide otherwise.
You challenge me...
l'll win.
l always do.
And don't try to run away...
'cause l'll run after you|and bring you back.
There's your tree.
Here's your tree.
Enjoy yourself.
Sally?
Be quiet! Be quiet!
Be quiet!
That 's R.l.M.B.A.U.D?
No.
R.A.M...
B.O.
Yeah, that will do it.
.A little nervous?|.Yeah.
Well, get your hat. Let 's get ready.|You should be nervous, you know.
lt 's a big commitment, marriage.|l was married 3 times.
l don't put the glue on anymore.|lt smells, and girls don't like it.
Okay?
This way.
You stand right over there.
You look good.
Thanks.
Okay, let 's see here.
Do you...
What happened?
Must 've blown a fuse.
Can you fix it?
Got a flashlight.
That 's atmospheric.
Do you, Packard Schmidt...
take this woman to be|your lawfully wedded wife?
l do.
Do you...
Sally lverson, take this man to be|your lawfully wedded husband?
Yes.
Okay.
Bring the rings, please.
There they are.
l now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss your bride.
Oh, no, not on the lips.
Beautiful!
Ever tried to get work|as a Tom Jones impersonator?
lmpossible.
This town,|this country is all about Elvis.
Elvis, Elvis, Elvis.
Makes me sick.
He was a weak man.
Fat weak coward.
Well...
now, Tom Jones, he's the one.
He's a real man.|He's the real fucking deal.
You'll never see Tom Jones|doped out of his mind...
laying on his back in bed, eating|mashed potatoes with his hands...
crying for his mama.
''Mama! Mama!''
No.
l mean, they don't call|Tom Jones ''the King'' though.
They don't put his face on a stamp.
Perhaps, when he's dead,|he'll be more fully appreciated.
He'll never die.
Pussy keeps men young,|you know that.
Tom Jones get more pussy|than the king of England.
He'll live to be about 2OO.
Like Moses.
Exactly.|Like Moses.
Hello?
Hi, Samantha. Yeah, we're just in|the limo, on the way to the airport.
Going to Hawaii.
Can't it wait until we get back?
Okay, l'll ask.
Can we stop by to see|a girlfriend of mine?
She wants to give us our|wedding present before we go.
.Of course. l remember Samantha.|.Yeah, we'll be there in a second.
Bye.
.That 's another stop.|.You do just a quick one.
Fine.
Wait!
.Hi, Samantha.|.l'm so sorry.
What are you doing here?
l'm not going to let|my daughter marry a rapist.
.You're a sick man, Frank!|.Get back in that car!
.ln the front seat.|.Hey, clown, put the gun away.
.Don't talk back.|.What the fuck is this?
Don't talk back.
Frank, this is ridiculous!|You have to stop it!
This guy's not gonna shoot anybody.|l know a coward when l see one.
Would you shut up?
Stop the car.
.Frank, this has gone far enough.|.What are you doing?
Don't stop the car. Keep moving|or l'll shoot you, goddamn it.
Oh, you're not|gonna shoot anybody.
Frank, you're a coach,|not a murderer. Put the gun away.
You don't think l have|the balls to kill you, do you?
.l'm not saying that.|.l am!
.Would you shut the fuck up?|.Look, they guy's sweating.
He's not gonna kill anybody.|He's never killed anybody.
You think l'm yellow, right?
.Yeah.|.Shut up!
You don't think l can do it, do you?|You don't think l can!
Well, watch this, Mr. Smart Guy!
Ah, Frank! Christ!
What is wrong with you?
lt 's a toy gun!
lt 's a pellet gun!|lt takes 5 days to get a real one.
Fucking democrats!
You know what, it 's just like a|coward to have a goddamn toy gun!
lt 's not a toy gun! You can put|someone's eye out with one of these!
.lt says so in the fucking box!|.Get the fuck out of my car.
.What are you doing?|.l'm gonna shoot your eye.
.Don't be stupid, Frank.|.You're fucking disgusting, Frank.
l'm gonna shoot your eye out!
l'm gonna shoot your eye out!
.Disgusting!|.All right.
.l'm going to shoot you in the eye.|.Just take it easy.
Take it easy.|Take it easy!
l'm letting go.
You don't want to shoot anybody.|Just take it easy.
Just take it...|All right.
.That 's not a real gun!|.You're a little late.
.Stand back, Sally.|.l'm going to shoot your dick off!
Take it easy now.|Sally, what the fuck...
.Drop the gun.|.l'm gonna shoot your dick off.
l wanna shoot his dick off.|Get out of there!
You're not gonna shoot...
.Two hundred.|.l'm gonna shoot...
Shots fired.|Roll medic, roll medic.
l'm at the Fremont Experience.|Freemont Experience.
Off!
Don't touch me.|Don't touch me.
Why are you touching me?
Sally, no!
.Stop it!|.Hey, Sally, that 's enough.
Roll medic, roll medic.|Shots fired.
Police! Please, clear the area!|Clear the area, please!
Clear!
Frank?
Frank...
l'm sorry, Sally.|l'm sorry about everything.
What are you gonna do now?
l think l'll head West.
Drive slowly,|take the back roads.
What about you?
l have some money|from the insurance, so...
l'll probably travel too,|l don't know.
lf you'd like,|you can come with me.
To be honest, Sally, l suppose|none of it seemed real somehow.
.l almost forgot.|.Keep it.
No, you're gonna need it someday.|When you find the right person.
.Goodbye.|.Goodbye, Sally.
E=mc2
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