Edward Cline (1940) The Bank Dick
- Isn't that an odd name? - It isn't pronounced Souse.
Accent grave over the "E." Egbert "Sou-say. "
Oh, I see.
What's he up to now? What is he up to?
Your guess is as good as mine, Ma. I never know what to expect next.
I bet you anything he's smoking up in his room again.
This time, Agatha, you've got to just tell him to stop.
- His smokin' gave me asthma. - Oh, Ma.
- If you don't, I'm going on the County. - Ma!
Imagine a man trying to take care of his family...
by going to theater bank nights, working puzzle contests and suggesting slogans.
Don't answer it, Elsie Mae. It's probably the Lacavas wantin' their lawn mower back.
We're not finished with it yet.
- Hello, daughter. - Hello.
- Hello, Myrtle. - Hello.
- Hello. - Hello.
Agatha, this time you've got to tell him. I just can't stand it.
It's just a lingering death.
If you don't, I will go on the County!
What's eatin' you?
My Sunday School teacher, Mr. Stackhouse,
told me that he saw my father coming out of a saloon the other day!
And that Dad was smoking a pipe!
Oh, I'll kill myself!
What's the matter with her?
I'll starve myself to death.
It's the easiest way out.
It's not so difficult to do.
I tried it yesterday afternoon.
That must be Og. Will you excuse me?
- Nice potatoes. - Thank you.
Why don't we get any more crumpets?
Smoking and drinking.
And reading those infernal detective stories.
House just smells of liquor and smoke.
There he goes again to the saloon to read that silly detective magazine.
Mother's right. You've been smoking again in your room.
Imagine a man who takes money out of a child's piggy bank, puts in I.O.U.s.
Don't you dare strike that child! You put that down!
Og, I'd like you to meet my father.
Father, this is Og Oggilby.
Sounds like a bubble in a bathtub.
- I'm glad to have met ya. - Mighty glad to have met you.
Your father seems awfully nice.
Yes... we think so.
What seems to be the trouble?
Are you carrying the proper amount of air in the tires?
Had the brakes tested lately?
'Course it may be the wheelbase.
- The tools. - Why don't you go away and mind your own business?
Listen to the gentleman attentively, James.
- Be polite! - Thank you, madam.
Gimme the shift expander. I'll fix it.
- A what? - Monkey wrench.
Give the gentleman what he asks for, James.
Here's all you gotta do. Just open up this nut here.
I was down to Cape Cod most of that year.
Say, you oughta Vaseline this place in here or move the post over.
I have half interest in a cod liver oil mine down in Cape Cod.
Snowed all winter.
We did a lot of boondoggling. You ever boondoggle, Joe?
No, I can't say that I have.
These cloves are pretty dry. Better sprinkle 'em with alcohol.
How you do?
- Meet you at the Elks Club several weeks ago? - No.
Never did, eh?
- Ever do any boondoggling? - No. Gimme a beer.
Never have, eh? Mine's a poultice.
Never done boondoggling.
Must've been another fella, I guess.
Take off your hat in the presence of a gentleman.
Well, here she goes.
Down the hatch.
I tell you, he's drunk, Q. Q.
Said he had trouble with his wife.
Yes. We have tried. But he isn't sober.
The best I can.
But you don't understand, Q. Q.
"The best I can. "
- Good morning. - Good morning.
What can you give me for shattered nerves? I got the jitters.
If the gentleman has butterflies in his stomach, I suggest a dash of rover.
- Rover? - Dog. Absinthe.
It's very good for the nerves.
- That's fine. - Thank you.
That's just what I needed.
My name's Greene. Mackley Q Greene.
And a man more beset by trouble, you'll never see. Again.
I'm here in Lompoc on a movie location.
My director started on a bender last night, and that's good for ten days.
We got a 36-hour schedule and a stinko script.
It's a one-reeler, and it opens in this very town the day after tomorrow.
You're yelling right down my alley.
In the old Sennett days, I used to direct Fatty Arbuckle,
Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton and the rest of 'em.
I can't get the Celluloid outta my blood.
Nights, I used to tend bar.
Would you entertain a proposition to direct this picture?
Take a gambler's chance on a percentage of the profits?
Um, um, yes, just a moment.
Was I in here last night, and did I spend a $20 bill?
Oh, boy! What a load that is off my mind.
I thought I'd lost it.
Here you are. Keep the change.
I've got a script I've had in mothballs for 20 years.
I read it to Irving and Milton who run the cinema here.
They said to me, "SousŤ, it's better than 'Gone With the Wind'."
- My car's outside. Let's get down on the set. - Okay.
I'll bring the glasses back later.
Take a note, please.
Oh, Mr. Clam, it's good for you.
- Mr. Greene, he's tight as a snare drum. - We won't bother with him.
- Mr. SousŤ will take over the direction. - Fine. Glad to meet ya.
Glad to know you. Must've been a gnat.
Here comes Francois and Miss Plupp.
Hi. This is Miss Plupp, I take it.
And you are Francois?
This is Mr. SousŤ. He's taking over the direction of the picture.
Did you sleep well last night?
Maybe un peu?
Comme ci, comme ca.
I don't know whether this part is suited to my personality or not.
Don't give it a thought. I changed everything.
Instead of it being an English drawing room drama,
I've made it a circus picture.
Don't just sit there! Take down everything he says.
- Good morning, Mr. Greene. - Aaah!
It's Saturday afternoon.
You make touchdown after touchdown.
You kick goals. You make passes.
You make the longest run with the ball that was ever made on the field.
In these clothes?
Um, you could change your hat.
Take it easy there. That's all right.
Everything's gonna be all right. Just take it easy.
He sees you in the $50 seats.
He immediately falls in love with ya. Can't take his eyes off ya.
- How can he play base... ball, - Foot.
- And watch me in the grandstand? - Wait. It's part of the plot.
That's swell. Now you're doin' good.
We'll play the scene very digni... fied.
Come on, boys, come on.
- It's him. - For the love of Pete!
We'll just walk through this thing.
Take it, Miss Plupp, where you come out of the grandstand.
- He makes me sick. - Shall I bounce a rock off his head?
- Respect your father. What kind of a rock? - Oh, shut up.
You're both madly in love with each other.
- Is she standing in a hole? - No, sir.
Read your lines.
When does this thing stop?
It's all right. You're doing all right.
Got any cigars, kid? You know the brand.
We're making motion picture history.
I want quiet! Quiet from everybody!
Pa's drunk again.
Cut that out. Take your dirty hands off me and get back to your places.
Give this that "number-seven" expression.
- "Those eyes! Those ears!" - I wanna be in a picture.
Uh, I'll put you in later on, dear.
Uh, give me...
What's the matter, Pop? Don't you love me?
Don't you dare strike that child.
She's not gonna tell me I don't love her.
- Those eyes. - Those eyes.
Oh, Godfrey Daniel!
Mother of pearl!
The child's only playing with you, you fool.
I don't understand her "funning. "
Now to continue.
Study that script. Say, Joe.
Mr. SousŤ! Mr. SousŤ! How do you like that?
Mr. Greene, you haven't another thing to worry about.
I'm perfectly okay.
You look it.
- Getting quite late. - It is!
- See you're still at it. - Serves ya right.
- Be courteous, James. - Yes, ma'am.
We'll leave the motor running. Come on.
Pass over all that dough, and do it quietly.
Imagine parking his car in front of a "no parking" sign with the engine running!
Two buck fine will do him a lot of good. Let's take it to headquarters.
Don't forget to keep your foot off that alarm.
Somebody must've nailed the car. Let's take it on the lam.
Help! Help! Police, help!
Please help! Robbery!
Help! Help! Police!
- Let's split that money up right now. - Keep goin'.
- Supposing we get split up? - What of it?
- How much money you got? Start counting. - No!
- Don't you trust me? - I don't trust nobody. Not even my mother.
- Give me my end. - Turn loose of me.
Bank robbers. Two of 'em. Went down this alley.
"Out to tea. Joe. " Be drinkin' sarsaparilla next.
- Gimme half of that dough. - I will not!
Must be another holdup somewhere.
There they are!
Grab him while I put these on.
That's not one of the crooks. That's Mr. SousŤ.
Yeah, SousŤ. Accent grave over the "E."
Fine job apprehending this desperado and retrieving the bank funds.
- What? - You saved the $50,000. That's the most important part.
Yeah, 50,000 ain't hay.
- Other fella got away on you, huh? - What happened?
Uh, yes! Yes! He got away. Pulled a knife on me.
- An assegai. - Lucky you had that revolver.
- You always carry it with you? - Take this.
We detectives gotta do those things.
Never know when you're gonna catch a couple of bank robbers.
Mr. Skinner would like to see you and thank you after what's just happened.
- Why don't you drop into the bank? - I'll tell 'im about it.
- Which way did the other fella go? - There was another fella?
- He went away. - Away where?
Look out there! I'll give him a punch in the nose.
See those handcuffs are on tight, will ya?
- Come to headquarters and identify this fella. - Okay.
I'll break every bone in his hand.
- Myrtle should be proud to have a father like you. - I guess she is.
No wonder, after a thing like that.
Elsie Mae Adele Brunch SousŤ's father just caught a burglar.
And he tried to cut his throat with a knife about this long!
And he had a gun about this big!
- You don't say? - Did you kill him with one bullet?
- Ohh, jiminy, you're pretty good. - Jiminy!
One or two bullets. I was so busy shooting him. That's the way I catch burglars.
- Do another! - Oh, boy!
- Will you teach me? - Ooh, that's swell.
I'll teach you when you grow up.
I never smoked a cigarette till I was nine.
Sign my autograph book, Mr. Souse?
"Sou-say," son. Accent grave over the "E."
- There's the accent grave. - I saw you through the window.
- Oh, did ya? - A knife four feet long, eh?
I'll say that the sword Lee surrendered to Grant...
was a potato peeler by comparison.
You better come in and have a little poultice on the house.
Don't mind if I do.
Mr. SousŤ? Here's the interview you gave me for my paper.
- Look it over and see if it's correct. - Oh, thanks.
I'll pursue it instanta.
Oh, yes! "Skinner's National Bank robbed.
Egbert SousŤ makes daring... "
"Of loudmouthed McNasty, alias the Wildcat.
Drawing his revolver...
which he carries for such emergencies,
he struck McNasty... "
You see, putting things like that on motorcars is what kills people.
Get outta there!
"For such emergencies... "
The Lompoc Picayune Intelligencer just got out a special edition...
telling how I apprehended them two crooks.
For heaven's sake, can't you see we're playing an interesting game?
There was an article in there telling how I apprehended a couple of crooks...
who stole $2 million from Skinner's Lompoc Bank.
You would. Skinner's Lompoc Bank.
Them's the shylocks that's got the mortgage on this house, ain't they?
Haunting you from morning till night. The old pinchpennies!
Why don't you move...
I'm sorry they didn't get away with the bank.
Leave it to him. He would do a thing like that.
I think I'll go up to my room for a moment.
They want me to come down to the bank to get a reward or job or something.
I'll go down in the morning.
Don't you smoke up in your room.
Oh! No, I won't, dear.
What am I doing?
- Hello! - Hello, honey.
- That was a great stunt your father pulled today. - Huh?
Two crooks got in the bank and stole $25,000.
- I never knew your father had so much intestinal fortitude. - Are you kiddin'?
- No! - Come on. Let's talk about us.
- Your father took his pistol and hit one of the fellas. - He hasn't got a pistol.
The paper said your father took a double-edged assegai from one of the fellas.
- A what's-a-gai? - An assegai. A sword!
- Where did the newspapers get the story? - From your father.
He admitted the whole thing to the police.
Let's talk about us, Og.
Well, I get my bonus pretty soon.
I've already picked out your engagement ring.
Oh... oh, Oggie.
I have an appointment with Mr. Skinner, president of the bank.
- Step to one side, please. - Yes.
Thank you, Miss Carroll.
I had an appointment with Mr. Skinner, the...
Please, just to one side.
There you go.
- The president... - Please, will you step to one side?
Just a moment.
- Nice weather we're having. - Yes, it is.
- Yes, clever observation. - How've you been, Mr. Penny?
- Fine, thank you. - That's good. It's very interesting.
- How do you do? Oh, yeah. How do you do? - How are you, sir?
Oh, well as can be expected after that tussle I put up with those two bandits.
- Oh, yes. - I went to see the doctor.
He said as a result of that scrap,
I'll probably have to have a kidney and gallbladder removed.
- I also may need an appendectomy. - Mm-mmm.
I saw young Oggilby. He told me to come up to see the president.
Oh, yes, will you step aside please? Just step one side.
- Good mornin', sir. - How are you?
I wanna draw my money outta the bank.
- You're not gonna close your account with us, are ya? - I sure is.
- Is there any particular reason? - Yessir. I'm scared.
Every time I come in here, you've got your hat on.
Look like you're ready to take off. It keeps me nervous.
I just wear this hat on account of hay fever.
That's all right. I hadn't any right standing in front of the hole.
Where's his office? Is he in?
Mr. Skinner's office is right over there.
- Good morning, Mr. SousŤ. - Good morning, good morning.
- Mr. Skinner's expecting you. - Is he? Oh, thanks. I'll go right in.
- We want to show our appreciation of your gallantry and daring. - Thank you.
I wish to personally give you a hearty handclasp.
Oh, thanks. Hearty handclasp. Yes.
And to present you, with the company's compliments,
one of our 1940 calendars...
made especially for this bank, entitled "Spring in Lompoc. "
Doesn't look unlike the Mona Lisa.
Won't you be seated? I've been in consultation with our director.
We've decided that what has been needed in this bank is a special officer.
Or to revert to the argot of the underworld, a bank dick.
In lieu of your heroism, your dauntless courage,
- I have the honor to offer you this position. - Oh, thank you.
The remuneration at first will be very small.
We're a growing concern. We're young.
But there are a great many chances for advancement.
Who knows? Within a short time, you may become my vice president.
My first and only vice!
- Uh, what time in the morning? - The bank opens at 10:00.
Oh. Well, that's all right.
If I'm not here on time, just go ahead without me. I'll catch up with ya.
And, oh, yes, we will deduct a certain amount from your salary...
which will go to pay off the interest of the mortgage on your home.
Otherwise, it will necessitate our foreclosing.
And in view of what has transpired, that would cause us heartfelt contrition.
You took the very words right outta my mouth.
I'll see you here Monday.
And I'll bring my detective disguises with me.
Listen, Og, there's more to this detective business than meets the eye.
It requires cunning and resourcefulness.
And I have both.
I have a thousand disguises at home.
I'll come in with one of those disguises on.
If you recognize me, you go...
- Oh, like this? - Not up high. It's too blatant.
Down there. Just give me a little one like that.
If you don't recognize me, go...
Well, if you don't recognize me, you won't know what to do.
And you won't recognize me!
I'll be in later.
You gotta keep in practice for this game.
You never know when you're gonna...
have to use your gun.
I really have a reason for a snort this morning.
After that bout I put up with those two crooks, I'm still arm weary.
President of the bank called me in. He says, "SousŤ?"
I said, "Yes?"
He says, "I want you down here for our bank dick.
We've wanted a bank dick for a long while. "
He says, "In your Christmas box,
will in all probability be the vice presidency of this bank. "
What'll it be?
Keep your hat off there.
Very tasty. I think I'll have another one.
Um, some fresh water.
And a towel. Thank you.
Never like to bathe in the same water twice.
Neat little trick, isn't it?
Pardon me. I couldn't help overhearing your conversation.
- Pardon me, pardon me. - It's quite all right.
Waterbury's my name. J. Frothingham Waterbury.
- Very glad to know you. My name's SousŤ. - How do you do?
- Accent grave over the "E." - Oh, so?
I'm in the bond and stock business.
I have 5,000 shares of the Beefsteak Mines that I want to turn over to your bank.
I like this little town, and I want to get some contacts. I think you're the very man.
- These shares are selling for ten cents a share and...
- Ten cents, eh? - Oh, that's terrible.
These shares are selling for ten cents a share.
- A telephone company once sold for five cents a share. - Five cents?
These shares are twice as expensive, therefore they'll be twice as valuable!
- Sure, they will. - Naturally you're no dunce.
The telephone is now listed at $1.73, and you can't buy it.
$3,460 for every nickel you put into it.
The point I'm trying to make is this...
- Huh? - The point I'm trying to make is:
These shares sell for ten cents. It's simple arithmetic.
- If five will get you ten, ten will get you 20! - Sure.
Sixteen cylinder cars. A big home in the city. Balconies upstairs and down.
Home in the country. Big trees. Private golf course.
Stream running through the rear of the estate.
Warm Sunday afternoon fishing under the cool trees.
Sipping ice-cold beer.
I can almost see the foam.
- Ham and cheese on rye. - With mustard.
- Yeah. - We have plenty of mustard at the house.
And then this guy comes up the shady drive in an armored car from a bank.
And he dumps a whole basket of coupons...
worth hundreds of thousands of dollars right in your lap.
And he says, "Sign here, please, on the dotted line. "
I'll have a fountain pen by that time.
And then he's off to the soft chirping...
of our feathered friends in the arboreal dell.
- That's what these bonds mean. - They do, eh?
I'd rather part with my dear old grandmother's paisley shawl or her wedding ring...
than to part with these bonds.
It must be tough to lose a paisley shawl.
Thank you. That's fine.
- Gosh! Oh, pardon my language. - It's all right.
- I swear sometimes myself. - I feel like a dog.
But it's now or never. It must be done, so take it or leave it.
- I'll take it. - Fine, fine, fine!
- Meet me down at the bank in about an hour. - Certainly! My card.
I got you set for life.
I don't hang around that Black Pussy Cafe for nothing.
I met a poor fella who's in trouble.
Something the matter with his grandmother's paisley shawl.
He has 5,000 shares in the Beefsteak Mine,
and you can buy them for a handful of hay.
Hay? And they're worth...
Ten cents a share.
Telephone sold for five cents a share.
How would you like something better for ten cents a share?
If five gets you ten, ten'll get you 20.
Beautiful home in the country. Upstairs and down.
Beer flowing through the estate over your grandmother's paisley shawl.
- Beer? - Beer!
Fishing in the stream...
that runs under the arboreal dell.
A man comes up from the bar.
Dumps $3,500 in your lap...
for every nickel invested.
Says to you, "Sign here on the dotted line. "
And then disappears in the waving fields of alfalfa.
Gosh. Do you think he was tellin' the truth?
You don't think a man would resort to taradiddle, do you?
Why, he sobbed like a child...
at the very thought of disposing of these shares.
How does a bank make its money?
- By investing. - That's the point.
You don't wanna work all your life.
Take a chance! Take it while you're young.
My uncle, a balloon ascensionist,
Effingham Hoffnagle, took a chance.
He was three miles and a half up in the air.
He jumped out of the basket of the balloon,
and took a chance of lighting on a load of hay.
Golly! Did he make it?
- Uh... no, he didn't. - Oh.
Had he been a younger man, he probably would've made it.
That's the point! Don't wait too long in life.
I've never done anything like this.
And another thing, I haven't got the money.
'Course my bonus comes due in four days. That's $500.
I could buy 'em then, and with all that money,
I really might be worthy of your daughter's hand.
Women really appreciate the fine things in life.
- You don't wanna die and leave your wife and children paupers, do you? - No.
Borrow the $500 from the bank.
- You intend to pay it back when your bonus comes due, don't ya? - Oh, sure.
Surely! Don't be a luddy-duddy. Don't be a mooncalf.
- Don't be a jabbernowl. You're not those, are you? - No.
I guess there's no way you could confuse it with stealing, is there?
Ha. Nothing could be more absurd.
All right, send him in.
He won't be here till 11:00.
- Got him! Back, back! - Oh, what do you mean?
- Is that gun loaded? - Certainly not. But I think you are.
Mommy, doesn't that man have a funny nose?
You mustn't make fun of the gentleman, Clifford.
You'd like to have a nose like that full of nickels, wouldn't you?
I'll throw him in the wastepaper basket the next time he comes in here.
- How do you do? - How do you do?
I'm the officer. Can I help you?
I'd like to see Mr. Skinner, the president of the bank.
Oh, yes, he'll be very glad to see you, I'm sure.
J. Pinkerton Snoopington, bank examiner, is that right?
- Yes. - He'll be...
He'll be very glad to see you, but...
he's gone out to the golf course on business.
Probably won't be back till midnight.
If he does return, where can he call you?
I'm stopping at the New Old Lompoc House down the avenue.
Oh, New Old Lompoc House! Frank Cridellhoffer, the management.
I know him well. If you need anything during the night,
- Just mention my name. - Yes, yes, I will.
That's fine. Yes.
Got some bad news for ya. Can you take it now, or shall I hold off?
That was the bank examiner, wasn't it?
- You guessed it the first time. - Oh, I knew this would happen.
I was a perfect idiot to ever listen to you.
You listen to me.
There's nothing in this world that is perfect.
It'll be four days before I get my bonus, and can replace that money.
Oh, was I a dope! I've sacrificed everything:
my job, my marriage to your daughter.
Keep my daughter's name outta this.
Don't you ever tell me again I'm not a jabbernowl and a mooncalf!
Please get out of the office, Mr. SousŤ. This is terrible.
I reiterate. Leave everything to me.
Don't worry about a thing.
Give me the New Old Lompoc House.
Yeah, the New Old.
Is Charlie on the desk?
- What's a six-letter word meaning embezzlement? - Prison.
I'll bet that's Og.
He's got her bettin' now. She never gambled 'fore she met him.
- Hello, Og. - Hello, dear.
Still working on your crossword puzzle book?
Uh-huh. I'll tell you one on Grandma.
I asked them to give me a six-letter word meaning embezzlement,
and she said, "Prison. "
Isn't that a hot one?
- She's right. - What's the matter with you?
I've got something to confess. Our engagement is off.
Og, what are you saying?
Oh, well, it's only off for a while, dear.
That is, if you're willing to wait until I get out of prison.
Og, don't scare me! Oh, stop fooling.
- What do you mean? - Oh, I don't know. I can't think straight.
Your father brought a man into the bank who sold me...
his grandmother's paisley shawl with a beer river running through it.
I don't know what it was!
Are you sick? Let me feel your head. You've got a fever.
I don't know what I've got, but your father got me...
to take $500 from the bank funds and invest it and...
- Og! - Shh. Not so loud.
I don't want your mother or grandmother to hear.
And he got me to invest it in telephone, telegraphs, an electric light company...
No, it wasn't a telephone or telegraph. It was a Beefsteak Mine.
A Beefsteak Mine... Og, have you been drinking?
I'm going to tell my mother that my father got you to drink and steal money from the bank.
- No, listen... - I'm going to tell my mother right away...
that my father got you to steal money from the bank and invest it in a Beefsteak Mine.
Oh, now, Myrtle!
It was very nice of you to call me, Mr. SousŤ.
Not at all. I knew you were a stranger. I wanted to make your stay happy.
I work for the Chamber of Commerce when I'm not on my regular...
- Would you like to weigh yourself? - No.
I know the manager here. He'll let you weigh yourself for nothing.
This Lompoc is noted for its beautiful girls.
- I imagine you've noticed them. - Yes, I have.
I'm a married man with a grown daughter, 18 years of age.
Oh, I'd like to meet her. I'm very fond of children.
Girl children around 18, 20.
I have a young daughter of marriageable age. Also a small daughter.
Nice wife, and a mother-in-law that loves me like her own son.
Would you like to give the town a double-o?
A little constitutional couldn't possibly hurt.
No. Ah! The Black Pussy Cafe and Snack Bar.
Hello. How would you like to go in and have a little spot?
No, no, I never drink during business hours.
Just a little spot, and we'll find out how Gumlegs came out at Del Mar.
This... this place isn't crowded, is it?
No. If it wasn't for me, the place would starve to death.
- I'll dawdle for about ten minutes. - We'll dawdle together.
Oh, after you.
Nice little place here.
Could we find a secluded spot where we won't be observed?
Oh, surely. Sit right down there. Nobody'll see ya.
Just a couple of local beer guzzlers.
Could we pull the shade?
You can pull anything you want. It's a regular joint. I know Joe very well.
- What's your pleasure? - Rye highball.
- Make it light. - Light rye.
Mr. SousŤ, what'll it be?
I want two highballs.
One very light. You can double up on mine.
Has Michael Finn been in here today?
No, but he will be.
- How'd Gumlegs come out in the fifth? - He ran sixth.
- You ever bet on the races? - No, I never wager.
You never wager. That's not a bad idea. It's a good system.
I bet on that Gumlegs once.
He won, but the jockey got off at the three-quarters,
and had to carry him across the tape on his back.
He's a beetle. The jockey was a very insulting fellow.
He referred to my proboscis...
as an adsatitious excrescious.
I had to tweak his nose.
I was compelled... That's fine, thank you.
Well... no one's lookin'.
- Down the hatch. - Down the h...
I feel deathly ill.
Well... Fill 'em up again, Joe.
No, no, please.
I've never had such a feeling in all my life.
Probably it's something you've eaten.
- I haven't eaten anything. - There you are! You haven't eaten anything!
Come on. I'll get you some nice chili con carne.
Or it may be the altitude. Come on.
Don't worry about a thing. You're all right.
It may be the altitude. This town has an altitude of 500 feet.
Population is 4,500.
Schools, churches, public library.
Three blocks of paved streets.
Two trains a day, not counting the milk train at 4:00 in the morning.
- We have three drugstores. One actually sells medicine. - Stop.
Stop, I'm dying. Could you direct me to a culvert?
Why don't you wait till you get to the hotel? It's only six blocks.
We pass the Spanish Americo Chili Parlor on the way up.
Maybe you've eaten an oyster in a month that had an "R" in it.
Don't let these people know. It's a very respectable place.
That's all right. Come on.
Equilibrium's the thing.
If your friend is drunk, don't bring him into this hotel.
He's already registered. J. Pinkerton Snoopington.
Little case of ptomaine poisoning.
- Something he ate. - Get him out of sight as quickly as possible.
- He's in room five. - Room five. Come on, old boy.
Come on. This won't last forever.
Come on, look out! Look out!
That's it. Now, you're all right.
You'll be fine...
or I'll fix it so you will be in due time.
I shall make it my business to see the Lompoc Ladies Auxiliary will be informed.
- I thought this was a family hotel. - Yes, indeed it is.
Uh, Mr. Snoopington has a touch of ptomaine.
Hmm. Didn't smell like ptomaine.
Drat, drat, drat, drat!
Come on. Here you are.
- Okay, okay. - What are you trying to do?
Fill this hotel full of delirium tremens? We've a reputation to uphold!
It's the same man. Just fell out the window.
- Friend of mine caught him on the first bounce. - Oh, yeah?
- Face up. - I'll see that he doesn't bounce again.
Come now, Mr. Snoopington. Let's pull ourselves together now.
Here we go. Up, up, up.
- Oh, yes, he's blotto. Isn't he... - Oh!
When you hear the tone,
it will be 22 and one half minutes till 7:00.
Listen, I'm calling Dr. Stall,
and as a matter of fact, when I hear the tone,
it'll be 22 and one half minutes till 6:00.
- Give me Dr. Stall. - I'll give you information please.
I don't want information please, or Professor Qiz, or calling all cars.
- I want Dr. Stall. - Louder, please.
"Louder, please. " If I spoke any louder, I wouldn't need a telephone.
Gimme Dr. Stall.
Just a moment, please.
The first thing you've got to do is cut out all health foods.
That'll be $ 10.00. The nurse will return your clothes with the receipt.
This is SousŤ speaking, Doc. How are ya?
I'm here at the New Old Lompoc House.
There's a bank examiner in town, an old friend of the family's.
He's evidently been on a bender. He's full of nose paint.
Hello, Snoopy, old boy! How do you feel?
I feel as though I've been poisoned.
You look the picture of health.
My poor wife.
I forgot to telephone them last night.
Why don't you let me get you something to eat?
How'd you like some breaded veal cutlet with tomato sauce?
- Ooh! - A chocolate ťclair with whip cream?
Poor fellow hasn't had anything to eat.
I guess that's the doctor.
Hello, Doc. How are ya?
- How's business? - Oh, fair, fair.
I don't suppose we'll ever get another whooping cough epidemic again.
No, I don't suppose we will.
This is the eminent, uh, Dr. Stall.
Diagnostician, our town's leading physician.
- What's the name? - J. Pinkerton Snoopington.
- Business? - Bank examiner.
- Bank examiner? - Yes.
Quite a lucrative occupation.
Do you mind, uh, showing me your tongue?
You must eat more solids... meats and sauces.
You need iron... liver and bacon.
You lack vitamins A, B and C.
Skip the rest down to X and Y. If Z is necessary, we'll give you that later.
What you need most of all is rest.
Rest will do more for you than all the doctors in the world.
- No exercise! - No.
Now, you take two of these...
in a glass of castor oil for two nights running, then you skip one night.
- But I thought you said I wasn't to take any exercise. - You take me too literally.
What I should say is,
you take two for two nights consecutively.
- And then you, uh... - Refrain from taking them one night.
That's absolutely true and they're tasteless. Good with goulash.
With the proper rest, I'll get you out of here in three days.
- Yes, sir, I'll get you out in three days.
- Three more days and you'll be outta here. - Fore!
Careful waving that cane. You might hit something.
Yeah, I might hit that globe up there.
That'll be just one day before the boys at the bank get their bonus.
Yes, sir, I'll have you out in three days.
- Unless, of course, complications set in. - Oh, yes.
- That'll naturally take an extra day. - Yes!
Now, leave everything to me.
I'll do the worrying. Be happy and gay!
I'll have the management send you up a radio.
Come on, Doc. We better be going.
Gonna have the missus bake you a nice coconut custard pie with Savaloi pudding.
You haven't a thing to worry about.
I've got Snoopington down at the New Old Lompoc House. He's still in bed.
Oh, much obliged. I gotta put on my work clothes now.
Okay, go ahead.
Uh, what do you mean?
Ha, yeah. I thought I lost it.
How-dee-do, Mr. Skinner?
Mr. SousŤ, we appreciate the capture you made...
and the manhandling you gave those criminals.
Oh, nothing at all! Nothing really.
They were a couple of tough fellows.
One of them pulled a knife on me.
Pulled a knife that was really... It was...
It was about that...
It was about that long. It was really an assegai.
Doesn't anyone ever pull a short knife on you, Mr. SousŤ?
A little one... about that long?
Oh, yes! Yes, yes.
Major Moe one time, a little colored midget, pulled one on me.
It was just about that long. Wasn't really a knife. It was a razor.
We're grateful to you for retrieving the bank's funds.
Oh, that was in the line of duty.
And we feel we've shown our gratitude by giving you a position as bank's officer.
But when you caution Mrs. Muckle's little son...
about carrying a toy pistol into the bank, that's going too far.
I cannot impress upon you too firmly,
the Skinner Bank is a dignified institution.
Yeah, that's the way I always figured it.
I guess you figured it the same way, working here the same as I do.
Furthermore, I've been informed that you are a frequenter...
of a cafe known as the Black Pussy.
Oh, yes, say, that reminds me.
- One of the customers gave it to me. Smoke it at your leisure. - Thank you.
By the way,
accept this silver-plated napkin ring with my compliments.
- I won it over at the bowling alley last night. - Thanks.
- You're welcome. - Why, Mr. Snoopington!
I beg your pardon.
It's an unexpected pleasure to see you in Lompoc.
It's no pleasure for me.
I'm a very sick man... but I'm also a man for duty.
If you don't mind, I'd like to look over your books.
Of course we don't mind.
This bank is always ready for an audit, yessiree.
Mr. SousŤ, our special officer, will give you every assistance you wish.
- Not feeling well, Mr. Snoopington? - No, I'm not feeling very fit.
Well, I'll leave you to Mr. SousŤ.
And rest assured you are in proper hands.
Are you, um...
Are you still suffering from that slight nausea you had yesterday?
- Yes, I haven't quite gotten over it yet. - Well, listen,
I don't want to be a crepe hanger,
but in your weakened condition, you're subject to all sorts of maladies.
- Now, I want to tell you something very confidentially. - Yes?
I know positively that our good friend Dr. Stall...
has treated this boy who thumbs the pages of these books...
for Malta fever, beriberi,
and that dreaded of all diseases, Mogo on the Ga-Go-Go.
Mr. SousŤ, if duty called,
I would go into the tsetse fly country of Africa and brave sleeping sickness...
- If there were books to be examined. - Hmm.
- This way? - Uh, yeah.
Would you like to examine the books of the Black Pussy Cafe?
- What you need to get is a description of that place. - Okay.
Og, what's the matter?
Exactly what I suspected!
- What? - The old Mogo on the Ga-Go-Go.
Whiskey? Look out! I'll get it!
- Whiskey. - What's the matter? Speak to me!
- What happened to him? - I don't know.
Help me lift him up. Just wet his lips.
Here you are.
- Ooh! - Something in the clamp?
Oh, that's a good question.
Ah, unfortunately you must've had your hand in there.
That'll interfere with your writing, won't it?
It won't interfere with my writing. Fortunately, I'm left-handed.
Oh, that's unfort... Oh, yeah.
Get him a glass of water, will you, Scotty? Feel better?
Psst! Mr. SousŤ.
Did I see that bank examiner here?
Why, I don't imagine so.
With my introspective eye as a detective,
I would naturally have seen him...
Ah, just as I thought: recurring fever.
I'm sorry to appear overzealous,
but these books have got to be examined.
- Let me help you, Mr. Snoopington. - Oh, thank you.
Here you are, sir. Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
That's all right. I can't see a thing without my glasses.
- Here you are, sir. - Thank you.
- I'll be right over here if you need me, sir. - All right.
If I can be of...
Oh, sorry. And I try to be so helpful.
Well, oh. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
I hope that won't interfere with your auditing the books.
It certainly will not!
Oh, that's good, that's good.
It couldn't be possible that Mr. SousŤ is trying...
to keep me from examining the books?
There, you see?
Mr. SousŤ, I've done Mr. Oggilby a great wrong.
And I'm here to rectify that wrong.
I was hoodwinked into believing that those bonds were 100%%.
I've never been guilty of a dishonest act in my life.
So I'll take those bonds off his hands if I have to pay for them with my blood.
- Transfusion? - Anything.
There you are. The man is willing to buy the bonds back with his own blood.
I don't want blood. I want money. Let him give me back the $500.
The boy needs money. He doesn't want blood.
He's got high blood pressure already.
Give him what he paid for the bonds in cash.
I'm the saddest man in the world.
You may be the second saddest, but he's the saddest.
I'm prepared to pay you $350 cash.
I'll pay the rest in weekly installments of $25 per week.
I'll even give you my favorite aunt's wedding ring as security.
I want to prove that I am honest in the worst way.
The worst way.
Thanks. I was a fool to listen to Mr. SousŤ in the first place. In the second place too.
- Paper, mister? - How'd Gumlegs come out in the fourth today?
- I don't know. - Let me see your paper.
A bonanza! Beefsteak Mine.
Oh! What are you doing? Just as I was getting some of my money back!
You read this paper. You're a millionaire!
Go away, Mr. SousŤ. Look at that window.
Read that paper.
Oh! Now I can put the money back without waiting for my bonus.
Mr. Snoopington is no longer a nightmare. Bring him in here, I'll kill him.
Calm yourself, Oggilby, my boy. Calm yourself.
- Golly. Oh, Mr. SousŤ! - Cut it out.
Oh, Mr. SousŤ, I don't need all this money. I don't deserve it.
You engineered the whole thing. You're a financial wizard.
- I'm gonna split with ya. I'll give you half of 'em. - Thank you, Og.
Wait. I'll follow ya.
- Anything I can do for you? - You sure can, brother.
Turn around and start walking toward the cashier's cage and keep quiet.
Ooh! That tickles.
You remember me, don't you?
Ah, you remember the gentleman, Og?
Yes, sir. That's the man that held me up the last time.
Ah, mind your, uh, mind your language, Og.
Here. Hate for you to be the fall guy, but fill that up.
- Do what the gentleman tells you to, Og, quickly. - Yes, sir.
- Don't, oh, don't. - Shut up.
- This is my Beefsteak stock. - Fill that up.
Do what the gentleman tells you to, Og.
- Do you mind accompanying me to the door? - Not at all, no.
How-dee-do, Mrs. Chiselbottom?
- Keep your foot off the alarm or I'll come back and plug you. - Are you still there?
Hello, Mr. SousŤ. Making more movies?
- SousŤ, huh? Get in that car and start driving. - We're goin' for a ride.
Reach for the sky and back up there.
- Oggilby, you're arousing the bank. You set the alarm off. - What's the matter?
- Like to see some of the places of interest in town? - No, keep driving.
- There's the Black Pussy Cafe. - Be careful!
Help! We've been robbed!
Johnson, get on that phone and get the police. There's been a robbery here.
- Help! - Police!
- He took Mr. SousŤ? - He certainly did, right from under my contract.
I've just called the police.
- Follow that gray car. - Come on, come on!
Holdup! Bank robbers up that way.
- Don't let that car out of your sight. - Hurry. That police car.
- These are catalpa trees. - Step on that gas.
- Keep moving! - I'm stepping on it.
- Mr. SousŤ's liable to get hurt. - And me with $10,000 in the briefcase for him.
- For SousŤ? What for? - For a story he told me while he was directing.
I sent it in with the day's report, and the boss went nuts about it.
He wants it and SousŤ too.
There goes the helmet.
Come back here, you.
There's more catalpa... I'm sorry.
Never mind about those trees. Keep stepping on the gas.
- You know who's in that car with SousŤ? - No, who?
- Repulsive Rogan. - There's a $5,000 dead-or-alive reward on him.
- Stay awake! - Be careful, driver.
- Hey! - Magic carpet.
- Wipe off that windshield, you. - Here.
You wipe it off, I'm driving.
Lake Shoshobogomo is right over the top of this mountain.
Get out and push!
What do you think this is, a kiddy-kar?
Can't push a hulking truck like this.
Seems to be a great deal of traffic here for a country road, don't you think?
- Keep going. - Yeah.
The resale value of this car is gonna be nil after you get over this trip.
You're goin' too fast! Slow down.
- Foot brake's gone. - Where's your emergency?
Here it is, but it won't do you any good in that backseat.
Gimme that wheel. Here, grab it.
- Put it on there! - We're gonna have an accident if you're not careful.
You're gonna have a real accident in a minute!
- The wheel is comin' off! - That's what I thought.
Going to be very dangerous.
- I'm gonna jump. - Huh?
Have to take the boat from here on, anyway.
Looking for someone?
You better stop by the station and see about that $5,000 reward, Mr. SousŤ.
This sure is your lucky day, Mr. SousŤ.
Here's a check for $10,000 from the Tela-Vis Company for that story you told us,
as well as a contract for you to bring it to the screen.
Looks like it's all here, Mr. Skinner, including the Beefsteak Mine.
I don't know whether it is or not, but allow me to give you another hearty handclasp.
Judkins, has Mr. SousŤ had his cafe rum a la papa?
- Yes, ma'am. - Thank you, dear, I've had a double noggin.
- What time is it, daddykins? - It's one minute till 9:00.
I gotta get down to the sal... The, uh, office.
Good-bye, Daddy dear.
- Good-bye, dear. - Gimme a kiss.
- I'll give you two of 'em. - Good-bye, pater noster.
- Good-bye, dear. - Take care of yourself.
- I shall, dear. - Good-bye, my darling.
Hurry home if you feel like it. I'll be waiting up as usual.
Oh, thank you, dear. I'll be home early.
Hey, that doesn't look bad, does it?
I think, sir, this is the more appropriate.
Yeah, that's nice and cool though. Thanks.
Thanks. Thank you.
What a changed man.
- You deserve a lot of credit, Agatha. - Hasn't been easy.
Uh, say! Hey!
ER 01x01-02 - 24 Hours
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