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Employee of the Month

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Wake up, wake up, wake up, Los Angeles.
...last night, police were called to the pier...
It is 8:32 A.M. Here in the Los Angeles area.
And it is hot out there, people. It's hotter than a bowl of fuck!
Transportation has a lot to do with it.
If America is the great melting pot...
"Hey, you're in my seat.
...then LA's public transportation
is the gooey shit baked on the bottom.
Don't get me wrong,
I'm no snob,
just being honest.
I've never been one to judge a book by its cover.
Unless of course the cover of the book reads...
the guy sitting next to me just shit himself.
But considering 24 hours ago
I was out there with everything,
and now I'm in here with nothing,
I'm in no position to pass judgment.
He seems okay sitting in his own shit.
Maybe he knows something I don't.
The Buddha says you achieve total enlightenment
when you realize everything in your life is an illusion.
Everything!
Embracing that kind of thinking
definitely make sitting in your own shit more bearable.
I am what I am but a fucker.
And I am what I am...
One of these guys you see on the 6:00 news
wakes up, heads off to work,
grabs a cup of coffee and goes on a sick rampage.
One of those guys whose friends and neighbors all say...
Who knew? He seemed all right to me.
He was the last person you'd ever expect to do something like this.
Something in his head must have just snapped.
I just snapped.
That's too easy.
People see what they want.
And everyone loves a good lie, even me.
Call me crazy. Everyone else would.
But they don't know what I know...
that everything I am is an illusion. Everything!
David!
Eh? Seriously,
raise our glasses
to David and Sara.
May your wedding day be as bright, as beautiful
as the two of you.
Cheers!
- Thank you, Carl. - Thanks.
We just want to thank all of you for really...
for sharing this amazing moment with us.
I know that you have heard the saying
that opposites attract.
Well, it's not true.
Even though David and I are from very different worlds,
I know that in our hearts we're the same person.
And I would like to make a toast
and a promise to David.
To the man who came out of nowhere
and changed my life forever:
David, I promise
that in our next lifetime together
I will look for you harder and find you sooner.
And I will not waste so much time with all the others.
- Cheers!
Carl.
Dave oh!
Fucking shit.
What are you doing here?
The... the engagement party!
How come you didn't invite me?
- Because I didn't think you'd come. - I wouldn't have.
- Then why are you here? - 'Cause you didn't invite me.
If I know you're not gonna come
- why would I bother sending an invitation? - An engagement party?!
What, are you out of your mind?
I've seen you pull some shit from left field,
but this takes the cake, man.
Could you just act like you're happy for me?
No I can't. You're fucking up.
Relax, I know what I'm doing.
There's a reason why I am your oldest friend in the world...
And I can't seem to remember what it is right now.
I tell the truth. Remember the truth?
I'm not like these assholes here.
I'm not gonna pat you on the back and say "mazel tov. "
I know what you're all about, man.
And this isn't it. She isn't it.
- Shh. - This is not your life, man.
Look at you, you can't even smoke in your own house.
Things change, Jack. Sometimes, you've got to change with them.
Okay, look...
there are three things that I know to be true.
"Love Me Tender"... greatest song of all time.
The Abominable "Doctor Phibes,"
that is the scariest movie ever made.
And uh... oh, you're playing with fire...
- Okay, that's enough, that's it, - What is this...
- Hey, honey. - Hey, that was awesome.
I remember that. That was great.
- Jack, - Hi, Jack, I'm so glad you made it.
- I wouldn't have missed it. - I bet. You look good.
Hey, Sara, you redid your bedroom and you didn't tell me.
- Isn't it great? - Uh-huh.
- Hey, David, so are you getting nervous yet? - No, you?
I'm just a maid of honor. I'm not the one taking a bullet.
That's very funny.
Wendy, I'd like you to meet an old friend of mine.
Wendy, Jack. Jack, say hi to Wendy.
- Hi. - Hello.
Hey, I wanna show you something real quick.
Oh, sweetheart, could you throw another tray of Brie puffs in the oven?
- Absolutely. - Thank you. Bye, Jack
I'll be in in a second, babe.
Brie puffs?
I gotta go to work.
Out!
- What? I'm gonna go out through the front door. - Out! Out!
- I'm going out the front door. - Out.
- Fuck you. - Damn.
Are you kidding me? There's a fucking fence.
- Hey, babe. - Hey.
What's wrong?
I just hate leaving you.
Then don't go.
I have to.
People are depending on me.
Yes.
I love you. You believe me?
I believe you.
Go back to sleep.
- Morning, David. - Sure is, Hank. How's Hazel?
- She's doing great. Thanks for asking. - Good, glad to hear it.
- Why don't you give her my best? - I will, sir.
- Hello, David. - Morning, Mrs. Chapman.
Such a beautiful day out there.
I ordered it especially for you.
Beautiful day, beautiful lady.
Oh-ooh, you are the sweetest.
No, I believe that's your job. How do you make it look so easy?
Morning, Mr. Walsh.
- Morning, Ken. - How are you doing?
Good, and I told you to call me David. How're you doing?
Super-duper, Mr... uh, David.
Thanks for showing me the proper cash flow procedures yesterday.
Not a problem. Let me know if you have any other questions.
A little late, aren't you, David?
Not by my watch, Kyle.
Maybe you want to lose this sundial and get yourself a Rolex.
Well, as soon as my father-in-law is president of a bank
I'm gonna ask him to buy me one.
- It's funny. - I'm glad you think so.
- Hi, Kyle. - Good morning.
Hey, good morning, David.
Ah, the lovely Martha.
Thanks again for catching our transfer mistake.
Please, we all make mistakes.
Sorry I missed your party last night.
You don't need to be at a party. In three weeks you're a mom.
I know. I'm starting to get a little nervous.
You'll be fine. Just don't work too hard. Don't overdo it.
When you pick something up use your legs.
Okay. Oh, hey, how did your big review go?
- No, no, that's this morning. - Oh, it'll go great.
I won't be surprised if you get Employee Of The Month.
Well, I got my fingers crossed.
- Good luck. - Thanks, Martha.
- Good morning. - Hey, lady.
Hey, how is it going?
Good. How about you?
It's awful. It's been the most stressful week of my life.
But as soon as the weekend gets here, I'll be as good as gold.
Tell me about it.
You've got your meeting with Gartin this morning. You ready?
Well, as ready as I can be.
- Are you nervous? - A little bit.
I just hope that my review shows that I've been
slacking off and this is why I should be fired.
That way when I snap and threaten to kill the old fucker...
- ... I'll have a good reason.
I'm just kidding. It's a joke.
Joke. Just kidding! Get it?
Anyway, like you said, when the weekend gets here,
- I'll be as good as gold. - Well, good luck.
Yeah, better get going. I don't want to be late.
Are we still on for tomorrow?
Absolutely. I'm buying.
- Uh, Mr. Gartin? - Ah, please, come in.
Take a seat.
How long have you been with us now?
Next week will be two years, sir.
Wow! You get on the other side of Monday, your benefits kick in.
- Yes, sir. - Yes, sir.
You know why you're here, right?
My interoffice review. Report card day at the bank.
Yeah... David!
This bank is only as strong as its weakest link.
That's one of the reasons I wanted to work here, sir.
It says here you've never been late.
- And you've never left early. That's a plus. - Well...
But according to your file
you haven't met your quota this quarter.
Really? I think that must be a mistake.
You've okayed two commercial properties
to start building before the leases were finalized.
- That's sloppy work. - Those leases were finalized yesterday, sir.
Yeah. I do a pretty good job here, you know.
I give 100%, 150% every day. You can ask anybody.
No need.
I ask my interoffice monitors and they put it in your review.
Simple. You see how it works?
Is it possible that your interoffice monitor
might have a personal problem with me?
Is your interoffice monitor Kyle?
Be careful.
That idiot son-in-law of mine
has been Employee Of The Month four times in the last two years.
And believe it or not, he deserved it.
My grandfather built this bank on sweat and steel,
not bullshit and nepotism.
He put this bank first
and I do too.
Now today's Thursday.
Consider Friday your last day. You're fired.
That means no bonus, no benefits?
No shit. I'll say I was sorry, but I'm not.
Look, please, sir, give me a second chance. I'll work weekends.
Sara, my fiance, she quit her job.
I told her I'll take care of her. I need this, sir.
We're getting married. We're building a nest egg.
That's great. Good luck to you. Thanks for coming.
I can't believe you're gonna do this.
You know this review process that you have...
I bet it's illegal. I could sue you.
Go ahead. You'll lose.
Because the best lawyer wins and mine are the best.
They're Ivy League assholes
and they'll wrap a lamp cord around a newborn baby's neck
rather than lose to a schmuck like you.
And I've got deep pockets and all the time in the world.
And I never lose. Ask anyone who's tried me.
Ask my old man.
By the time I'm done with you you'll be in some alley
giving blow-jobs to cab drivers for pocket change to get a cup of coffee.
Because you're a loser and that's what happens to losers.
You're fired, period. Deal with it.
Mr. Gartin, Ed Wheeler, line two.
Ed, you old son of a bitch. How the hell are you?
What's the matter, sunshine, stepped in some shit?
- You're an asshole, Kyle. - You think?
- How do you sleep at night? - Usually naked
on one of the newer younger employees.
Oh, that explains the smile on Bob's face.
Go easy on him. He's just a janitor.
- Watch your mouth. - Why? You'll put that in my review too?
- I don't know what you're talking about. - I'm sure you don't.
I better get back to work. If you get caught talking to me
they might take away your Employee-Of-The-Month paper hat and stupid smile.
- I earned that on my own merit. - Yeah right.
- How did it go? - Oh, it went great,
really, really good.
- In fact it couldn't have gone better. - Great.
- I got fired. - What?!
That stupid review said that I wasn't carrying my share of the workload.
So tomorrow is my last day.
I hate to break up the pity party but, Wendy,
could you give Joanie a hand? She needs some help closing a transfer.
Yeah, I'll be right over.
- Looking forward to it. - Great.
- God, I hate that guy! - Gives me the creeps.
You are an assistant manager. Is Kyle the one who sandbagged me?
What other asshole would do that?
What are you gonna tell Sara?
I don't know. You know her as well as I do. You've got any advice?
Yeah, if it was my fiance, I would tell her everything.
Hello?
Hello?
Hel...
David, honey, I know it's you. I can see it on the caller ID.
Oh, hey, babe, I'm sorry, I... sorry about that.
No, I was just looking for a file and I...
I set the phone down for a second, sorry.
It's okay. What's going on?
Sara,
I...
I think I left my house keys in my other jacket.
When you get a chance, could you check and see if they're there?
Yeah, sure. Listen, before I forget,
my parents called and they're in town
and they want to have dinner with us tonight. I said we'd go to Du-Ays.
- How's that sound? - Yeah, perfect, perfect.
- Great, what time? - 7:30.
I'll just see you guys there.
Oh and listen, sweetheart, could you just not order any alcohol?
It just makes my dad feel uncomfortable, you know.
It just brings up all that old stuff about my mom, okay?
Not to worry. So 7:30, Du-Ays.
Oh hey, hey, how did the review go?
Well, uh...
Sweetheart, that's the other line, I gotta go. I want to hear about it tonight.
Okay. Hey,
I love you. You believe me?
I believe you.
Bye.
I'm gonna go outside and get some fresh air to clear my head.
Not that anybody gives a shit.
I've got a three-vehicle collision here.
One on fire, repeat, one on fire.
I got... I need jaws of life.
We have a truck flipped over.
I got... I got pedestrians injured. It's a fucking mess.
Jackpot! What?
- Yeah, it's me. - I know.
Why are you calling a sleazebag like me?
Isn't that what your fucking fiance called me?
What did you expect? You ruined our engagement party.
Like you've never peed in a pool before?
It was a fountain and it was a gift from her mother.
You know that I have a bladder the size of a chipmunk.
Look, what do you need?
I got fired today.
Congratu-fucking-lations, it's about time.
I mean, that is a reason to throw a party.
I don't know how you stood it in there this long. I mean, I...
I would have bludgeoned somebody to death
with a goddamn have-a-nice-day paperweight
after two days in that "Stepford Wives" freak show bank box
in their Brooks Brothers suits
Hey-yeah! Dangling people by their balls
sucking back mocha lattes,
walking around like they are better than the working man like me,
whispering behind my back. Who needs that, man?
They don't deserve the steam of your piss.
Are you smoking crack?
No, not right now, why? Do I sound all over the place?
We've got four DOAs, two more criticals.
Fucking-A, man, when it rains it pours.
- Hello? - Yeah, okay.
- You got fired, great. When's your last day? - Tomorrow.
- How did the skank take it when you told her? - Don't call her a skank.
Yeah, but you knew who I was talking about, didn't you?
Wow, wow! Lady on fire!
We've got a lady on fire.
Huh... running just feeds the flames.
All right, look, I gotta go, man.
Look, if you wanna continue whining
let's meet at the Schvitz on Beverly at 6:00.
Now, hang up the phone.
Go tell that fuckstick boss of yours
to take tomorrow's workday and shove it up his dick!
I have no idea what that means.
He'll fucking know what it means.
This whole thing reminds me of that big crash up on the Grapevine...
schoolbus and girl scouts, car carrier, ba-bam!
- Hey, pretty nasty shit, huh? - Yeah.
Some truck blows a light, driver's tripping his brains out,
broadsides a minivan full of old people coming home from church.
Fucking Hiroshima.
Something funny?
No.
I just... I laugh so I don't cry, you know.
- You better start tagging and bagging. - All right.
- When your wagon's full, more to come. - Okay.
It reminds me of a couple of summers ago up on the Grapevine...
schoolbus and girl scouts. 49 bottles of beer on the wall, they didn't get to 48.
- I gotta go to work. - 10-4!
Hey, ooh!
Oh, that's okay. I'm not driving.
And it's not like I'm gonna kill someone, you know.
Roger that. Do what you have to, to do what you want to.
Okay,
Hi, where are you from?
Sasquahachie? Wisconsin?!
Here we go.
Eeh-eh, you've got money in the mattress, son of a bitch.
This, that, those, all right.
Thank you.
Goddamn zipper!
Ooh, Mom!
Shh.
Come on.
I thought so.
Hey there.
Thank you for that.
Tic-Tac in the ear. We've got a Tic-Tac in the ear.
Take out wrenched ankle.
Got it!
Don't die. Ah!
Will everyone please shut up? I am trying to think.
Now that is a tragedy.
What kind of pretty shit is going on here?
There's not... I don't even... dork!
You, harelipped jack off!
You're trying to give me a fucking triple coronary?
You should have seen your face, Bugsy.
Don't, don't... I told you not to call me that.
- Okay. - It's Buck, not Bugsy. Buck!
It's Buck, not Bugsy. Buck! That was good.
That was a dandy. Holy heifer shit, you filled your drawers with that one.
Don't let that one off, Bugsy.
You are lucky I didn't blow a fucking hole in your face.
With what? You've never even shot no BB gun, Bugsy.
You think you're Bugsy Siegel now?
Hey, Buggy, Bugsy Siegel, Bugsy Bang-bang?
- Bang-bang Bugsy, you've got a te... - Hey, little mind.
Turn it down, okay?
Ow!
And don't... God!
Pretty sweet haul, uh? Anything good?
The usual.
Nice doing business with you.
Hey, you want a little dead man derby?
I've got some new faces, double your money.
I'm not playing that sick game. You sick fuck.
"Oh, judge not, lest ye be judged. "
Ezekiel 2. I want the pick of the litter.
Since when? You got paid. Don't be a jack.
Lots of bodies, lots of loot, I want the pick of the litter, Bugsy.
Yeah and I want to tit-fuck Liz Hurley. Life is full of disappointments.
Hey, Officer, could I get some help out here? I've got a little problem.
Yeah, pick of the litter, cool.
- It's fine. - Yeah, shut up.
Today, Jethro.
Before any more of your teeth fall out.
You banjo-strumming Deliverance reject.
- I got it. - Yeah, that's a woman's ring.
I know. I'm thinking about getting engaged.
Oh, yeah? How is your sister?
She's good. She told me to give you this.
Freak, fucker!
Where are you going?
See that girl on the back of Big Pumpkins?
I'm gonna comb her hair, make her look real pretty.
Yeah, that's not creepy at all.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Crabtree, but the bank won't approve it.
How can they not approve my loan?
I've never missed a payment in my life, Mr. Walsh.
Unfortunately, your husband's bad credit makes you a loan risk.
And this bank's policy states that the spouse of the deceased
is responsible for the payments of the loan.
Now, off the record,
I think that policy is S-H-I-T.
I tell you what, Mrs. Crabtree,
I'll download your files again
and see if I can come up with some way to get around it.
Oh, I really appreciate this, Mr. Walsh.
What's wrong with your face?
Jacob.
I got burned.
- Did it hurt? - You bet it did.
That's what happens when you play with matches, Jacob.
I can't thank you enough for this, Mr. Walsh.
- Thanks, mister. - No problem.
I tell you what, Martha, there is part of this job I am not gonna miss.
How can you help that woman? Tomorrow is your last day.
I'll think of something.
Hey, David.
You wanna grab a drink later and talk about all this?
That's really sweet, Wendy,
but grabbing a drink didn't make my list of things to do for tonight.
Okay? Thanks though.
Am I on the list for tomorrow?
I'm sorry, yeah.
When was the last time you flossed?
Like a month ago.
Was it a month ago or like a month ago?
Huh... like a month ago.
All right, next time you come to the office
we'll do a cap and clean. When can you do that?
As soon as you get your license back.
They took away my license, not my abilities as a dentist.
That's just a piece of paper.
'Cause you know, I was looking at those X-rays,
and you need a root canal very seriously.
- You want... - Yeah.
You mind keeping it down? I don't want the entire world to know
that I've got a dental plan with an unlicensed dentist.
Hell, God!
Marianne, hey, good luck with the back acne.
Hey, woo-ooh!
Is it hot here or is it just me?
You know we've got lockers here. You could...
Yeah and you know what else they have? Thieves.
Say, d'you think I'm freeballing it on these meat slabs
after half of LA's open ass cracks
have been sitting in here self-basting?
Not on my clock, neat freak.
Hi, you're writing a book about my cock?
If not, you wanna quit with your eyeballing, Boitano.
Don't start, please.
You're an asshole.
Yes and I'm sure that's all I'll ever be to you.
Guys are touchier than chicks.
Jack, you know Eric's gay.
Yeah, he is here, he's queer.
I'm used to it. I have no problem with queers.
Well, the community is gonna be so thrilled to hear that, Jack.
I mean it. I mean, sucking dicks
when chicks do it, I not only applaud, I wanna watch it.
I got... I got three-hour pornos
with nothing but wall to wall balls to jaws.
But when I think about chowing down
on some other guy's wrinkled Mr. Lincoln...
Jack, are you a cartoon character?
I mean, does someone come to your house every morning and draw you on an easel?
- Don't encourage him. - Is that how? Explain this to me...
- Don't encourage him... - I...
Hey, Sleek.
I got you a watch.
Wow! This is nice.
- Do you get it from me? - Get what?
Exactly!
Here's to unemployment!
You're done tomorrow, eh?
Iceman's a cracker. That is not a lot of notice.
I was planning on telling Sara tonight.
- Her parents came to town. We're having dinner. - Agh.
Not exactly the best time to tell her I'm out of a job.
What? That's the perfect time!
Out in public with her parents?
You couldn't have planned that better, man.
Wow! When you tell her, she's gonna snap
and want to get all up in your shit.
But she won't be able to. She'll implode, man!
I say, light the fuse, step back and watch the fireworks.
Fuck, I wish I could see that.
- Hey, how many of those have you had? - Wha... wait, wait,
You might want to think about cutting back.
He sucks dicks, you ribbing me about a few beers?
Okay, that's it, all right? That's enough, I have to go.
Sorry, gotta go.
I just cannot sit here listening to this putdown man any longer.
As much as I would love to stay,
I just... you know I think I need to go and get something in my stomach.
Yeah, I bet with all this ball talk you've worked up quite an appetite.
- Ass face! - Hell.
Oh, just remember what we talked about, all right?
I've got your X-rays and you can pay me when you can pay me, all right?
- Good luck tomorrow. - Thanks.
You wanna talk about this whole Sara-bank situation?
No, I just want to relax.
You've ever watched figure-skating, man?
Please, don't talk. I've got a lot on my mind
I mean I didn't do the sushi, but Michelle Kwan...
What are you doing? Can't we just sit here and not talk?
Could we do that? Let's try and do that.
I'd suck sake out of her ass in front of my grandmother.
Reverend Goodwin, good to see you, sir.
- How are you? - I'm doing all right.
- Wonderful. Mrs. Goodwin, you look lovely as usual. - Thank you, David.
- Hi, babe. - Hi, David.
Excuse me, could we get somebody over here to clear this table for us, please?
Absolutely, one minute.
I was excited to hear that you were in town. How long are you gonna be here?
- Through the weekend. - The weekend... right.
- Where are you staying? - At the house.
- At the house? - Yeah, I thought that they would take our bed
and I would sleep on the couch.
That won't be enough room for both of us on that couch.
- That's what I'd like to talk to you about, David. - Okay.
- Here you go, sir. - Thank you, Paulo.
Thank you, sir, have a wonderful evening.
- Thank you. - Did you guys already eat?
Yeah, we had reservation for 6:00.
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart, I thought you said 7:30.
I did.
David, we have to talk.
Okay, there are a few things that I need to say to you.
Do you mind if we do it after your parents leave?
I mean, they drove all day, they've already eaten.
No point of their sticking around while the two of us yam it up.
Baby...
Am I missing something here?
Sara has something to tell you.
Go ahead, Sara, read the letter.
- What letter? - This letter.
Because I get so emotional when I talk about my feelings,
my parents suggested that I put my feelings down on paper.
Dear David,
When I first met you, I felt like all my prayers had been answered.
You showed up in my life at a time when I really needed someone.
It was as if the Lord Our Ssavior himself parted the clouds,
placed us together.
You are my knight in shining armor.
Sexually, you spread me open
in a way that had been closed for so long.
You're sure you can't wait till later for this?
Read your letter, darling.
When you asked me to marry you, my world was complete.
From our first night together, all I could think about was making love to you.
Here, sweetie.
Thank you, Mom.
I'd be walking down the aisle of a grocery store,
and just start fantasizing about making love,
always waiting for the next time that you would be inside of me.
But all of that changed in one moment.
That's fine, that's fine. So you're here for the weekend?
That's great. Uh... who wants dessert?
Dessert would be good.
Uh, can we smoke in here?
David, I found these in your jacket's pocket and they're not mine.
Are you sure?
They look... they look like yours.
You know good and damn well they're not mine.
I don't like anything riding up my ass.
Well, we know they're not mine.
Whose are they, David?
Who is she?
You don't honestly think that I...
Look, Sara... we'll talk about this later.
But I am not gonna sit here, in this restaurant
and have this absurd conversation after the day I've had.
Not to change the subject or anything, but I was fired today.
Oh, poor you. What a big fucking surprise.
- You evil little prick. - I'm sure you deserved it.
- Can I have a vodka tonic? - Absolutely.
- Thanks. - Lime?
Please.
What? She is the one with the booze jones.
David.
Look, Sara, can we talk about this later?
No, we can't just discuss this, David,
because everything that you said is a lie. Everything!
- That's not true. - I really thought that you were different, David.
But you're not. You're not. You're just a lying piece of shit.
And I never, ever, want to see your face again.
Women!
You can lie to Sara.
And you can lie to me.
But you can't lie to Him.
He sees everything.
May you burn in hell for what you've done to my daughter.
If I were a man of the cloth, I'd torch you in your bed while you sleep.
- Here we go, sir. - Thank you.
Sir?
Take it.
Where are you?
Thomas Jefferson, Monticello, Little Mountain.
God damn it!
God damn it!
Let's go, man, "I'm tired of this.
Chicken, wait! Chicken! Wait, wait.
Wait! I'll see your 50 and I raise you 50.
- You're on. - All right
What TV show broke ground by having a Mongoloid in the lead role?
"Life Goes On," Corky Thatcher. Your retard with a dream.
Fuck! Fuck, man, fuck!
What, you've been watching "Mexican Jeopardy"?
Hey, we're Guatemalans, homie, Guatemalans.
Yeah, Chicken, there's a difference.
When are you gonna learn, Otto? Huh?
Can't you see this dumbfuck Ruben
is like a walking encyclopedia of useless knowledge?
Huh? I make money with this guy everywhere I go.
You're too easy, Doc.
Man, hey, by the way, you still owe us big cash.
Don't keep us waiting, we hate that.
All right? Ciudate, cabron!
Yeah, you know where you can find me.
Vaya con Dios, fagamos.
So you got family here?
My mom.
- She's in Chowchilla prison up north. - Ah.
When I was eight, she stabbed my dad with a butcher knife.
- Wow! - She caught him in the basement
going down on the babysitter.
- Uh-oh! - It was Christmas Eve 1982.
Blood was all over the tree and the presents.
Just totally ruined everything.
Oh, boy!
She stabbed him 43 times. Almost all in the face.
Oh, ouch!
He died when I was 16. He had prostate cancer.
You know, up in his butt?
Sorry about that.
My mom said that the cancer was his karma for diddling our babysitter.
She was 14. You know, I think it was worse
because she was his niece, my cousin Darlene.
- Darlene? - It's not like he raped her or anything.
I mean, she was high like 24/7.
Plus she probably sucked off half the dads in Bakersfield.
Yeah, probably.
I mean, it's strange because I love my dad.
But I seriously think it's fucked up the way I interact with men.
So you're dating anyone?
You wanna go again? It gets better.
Better than a Christmas homicide with a kitchen knife?
I don't think so.
Eh, eh, here...
here's a tip for a good girl.
Oh, my God, it's gorgeous.
Yeah, right here. Now, run along to recess.
Ow!
Holy shit! You made it.
My God, the fart locker on that little princess is killing me.
Sara found one of Wendy's thongs in my jacket pocket.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Was it ugly?
It's over. The wedding's off.
You have had the perfect bad day.
You should have seen the look on her face.
She was really hurt.
Of course, she's hurt, Dr. Jekyll.
Mr. Hyde's been power-spanking the blonde from the bank.
Wendy doesn't mean anything to me.
Yet Sara does?
Why is it so impossible for you to realize that I might be in love?
Because, uh... love is like Bigfoot.
It's a myth people like to believe in.
It turns out to be bullshit when held up to scientific scrutiny.
This gonna be one of your long ones?
Love is a con women came up with
trying to explain the chemical reaction in men's brains
that make us physiologically unable to stay with them forever.
Men and women's brains are different.
Perfect example... I'm banging a chick,
I deliver the payload.
That's all right. What happens?
Roll over and fall asleep. Why?
- Bourbon and Quaaludes? - Wrong.
See, man's brain shoots him
a natural tranquilizer when he gets off.
Tryptophan. Sedative.
You can't help but roll over and fall asleep.
Chicks hate us for it anyway, because they're the exact opposite.
When they come...
Shh.
They wanna chit-chat, cuddle.
Feng-shui the goddamn living room, why? Oxytocin.
- Oxytocin? - Oxytocin. It's a bonding chemical.
It's a natural stimulant. Gets them high as a Japanese kite.
You know what the fucked-up part is?
The longer they stay with the same guy, the more secure they feel.
The more secure, the more the brain squirts.
The more the brain squirts, the more of a habit they have.
It's nature's way of getting chicks hooked on their own snatch smack.
When did Hustler add a science section?
Love is just a chick's menstrual hallucination
brought on by tragic side-effects from natural selection.
Ant that is why you are not now,
nor will you ever be in love.
It's Bigfoot.
Bigfoot, uh?
Thanks, I'll keep it in mind.
Dude.
Hey, I take my hat off to you. You're a big-picture guy.
There's no doubt about that.
I mean, you get the bank job. You move to Galleriaville.
You get the house, the suit, the slick car.
The beauty of an angle. It's total bullshit. It's still beautiful.
I guess it's just, just one glitch...
you just had to have a full-time broad.
I mean, wake up, man. You are not in love with Sara.
- Will you stop fucking saying that? - Stop fucking Wendy.
You think about it. You wanted her to find that thong,
so that she'd break up with you before you had to break up with her.
You're just pissed off because you know that everything I say is true.
- It was at first. - Yeah.
The day Sara moved in, I wondered how long it'd be until I moved out.
I didn't give us a month.
Living the same deal over and over again, that's not me.
I can't just fuck one girl.
So I screwed Wendy right in queue.
First time in my life I feel guilty about it.
I'm in love with Sara.
Dude, you are all over the place.
I don't know if you're lying to me, yourself, or the both of us.
God!
I've never felt anything close to this good.
One morning, I woke up and she's lying there next to me smiling,
watching me while I sleep.
And it hit me.
It's not the house, the money, the job.
It's me.
She loves me.
How much of her Kool-Aid did you drink?
Do you think she would look twice at you and that fucked-up face
if you were flipping Jumbo Jacks?
Oh eh, who's the hot guy with the burn scars
working the French fry machine? Give me a break, man.
Oh yeah, did you forget about the freak show, uh?
Right here. Forget about that? Huh?
You have no idea who I am.
God!
Okay,
Hey, let's say you patch everything up, okay? She forgives you.
Forget about Wendy, forget about me,
forget about the bank bullshit, forget everything, okay?
It's just you and her and everything is right in fucking Whoville.
If you marry her and you don't dance exactly the tune she's playing,
she will trade you in for a better model.
Trust me. You fucked her before she could fuck you.
You did what you had to do.
It's over. God!
Accept the fact that you are dead to her.
Promise me that you will not go home.
I couldn't, even if I wanted to.
Dude.
All right, look, just get a room at the Paradise,
a 12-pack, call it a night.
Tomorrow morning, you're gonna get up,
you're gonna walk into that ass-wipe bank, take your pay.
Tomorrow night you and I will be celebrating.
You'll have your life back again.
Is that what you call what you've got?
You just gave a dead woman's bracelet
to an 18-year-old stripper who's gonna fuck you in the parking lot
while you snort crank off a hunting knife.
And your point is?
Do not go home!
Out of my office...
What are you looking at?
Yeah, pretend like you didn't hear us, buddy.
Excuse me?
"Excuse me?" I'll fucking excuse you.
Excuse my foot up your ass.
David, I promise
that in our next lifetime together
that I will look for you harder
and find you sooner
and I will not waste so much time with all the others.
- Uh? - How is it going?
Good. You?
Okay, I guess.
Good.
Now that we've got that out of the way, what can I do for you?
Jack thought you might like some company.
He did, huh?
How thoughtful.
I'm Whisper.
Hi, I'm David.
I'm already paid for and I'm really clean.
Aren't we all?
And she and her mom storm out of the restaurant
leaving me sitting there with her dad.
What a nightmare!
You're having a bad day.
I can't believe her parents were there when she did that.
- That's so weird. - It is, isn't it?
Do you want a blow-job or something?
I'm good, thanks.
Do you wanna fuck?
That's really sweet, but I don't think it's a good idea.
You can jerk off on my tits if you want.
You know, as much as I'd love to,
I think I'm gonna pass.
- Whisper? Do you have a boyfriend? - Yeah.
What would you do if you...
what would you do if he was having sex with another girl?
- Play with her tits? - And you're not there.
Oh.
Yeah, you found out that he was cheating on you with another woman.
Would you want him to explain to you why he did it?
Or would you... would you even care?
Well, is he in love with the girl?
- Does it matter? - I think so.
I mean, I'd rather my boyfriend fuck some girl behind my back
and be in love with me
because if he's fucking me and is in love with her,
then that's almost worse.
Fucking is something you do, but loving is something you feel.
To me, that's totally different. Know what I mean?
Yeah.
What's your boyfriend's name?
- Dennis Trent. - So he has two first names.
- So? - It was just an observation.
- Are you in love with Dennis Trent? - Absolutely.
Are you in love with Sara?
Yeah, I think I am.
So how'd you get burned?
I was about 16 years old and I was...
I was helping a buddy of mine
siphon gas out of my old man's car.
And he put the hose in too far,
the gasoline shot up into his mouth
and he spit it out all over me.
And I'm standing there with a cigarette in one hand
and a gas can in the other.
Me and that car went up like that. Woke up the whole neighborhood.
Next thing you know, my old man comes running out of the house screaming.
Oh, my God! Your poor dad.
Poor Dad! Yeah, he beat my ass until the ambulance came.
Yeah. That was the last time I saw him.
By the time I got out of the hospital I was almost 18 years old.
So you didn't finish high school?
I didn't finish much of anything for about 10 years or so.
I just floated through life pissed off at the world, just getting by,
getting high, just making it up as I went.
And then one day,
I saw this guy walking down the street
in the sharpest suit I'd ever seen.
This guy was going somewhere, you know.
And I thought to myself what does he do for a living?
I bet he's got a great job,
he's got a nice car, a beautiful wife, nice house.
And I remembered something my mom told me.
She said "Choose your destiny.
"Decide what you want to be in life and start being it. "
And so I figured if I could look like that guy,
if I could act like that guy,
then maybe I could become that guy and get everything I ever wanted.
So I bought the suit and I made up this resume
and I walked into North & Wells Bank
and basically lied my way into a job.
And it worked.
And in less than two years, I had the car.
I had the house. I had it all.
I had become that guy I had seen walking down the street.
So you did it?
Yeah, I did it.
But I always knew in the back of my mind...
that it wouldn't last, because I'm not that guy.
And if I was that guy,
I was just pretending to be that guy.
I'm the guy with the fucked-up face.
- That's who I am. - You must really hate the guy that spit the gas on you.
You're damn right I do.
But he's the only guy that came to visit me
when I was in the hospital.
- What's he doing now? - There's no telling.
Yeah!
- Otto! Oh! - Yeah!
What the...
Leave us alone this fucking time!
Ow! Man, what are you doing here?
She ain't got no hair down there at all, does she?
She's all smooth like a fucking candy.
Man, you're scaring the poor girl. Please.
Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.
Yeah, I bet you say that to all the girls
just before you throw their lifeless bodies into the lake.
- Will you... - Otto?
- What do you want? - Dead man derby.
Dead man derby. You want to make some fucking money tonight or what?
- Are you kidding me? - This Sills guy's got brain cancer.
He's got a metal tube poked in his head.
In his fucking head, man.
I'll give you Jimmy Riggs. I'll throw in Sills.
That's a two-to-one shot. Puking up blood like he's Old Faithful.
He ain't going to make it, so place your fucking bets.
Bet money on terminal cases?
Even Manson would call bullshit on this freak show!
Get out of here! God!
Free country.
- Love it or leave it. - Freak!
Hello?
Hey.
David, it's late. What do you want?
I just want to apologize. I fucked up.
Is that it?
I just want you to know,
if I never see you again...
that every time I said I loved you...
I meant it.
I've got to go.
David, don't hang up.
David.
Why is he doing this?
You asshole.
How dare you call me and give me that shit
and then hang up? Oh good.
Good, you've got a gun.
I'm sorry, Sara.
- I really do love you... - Do not say you love me, David.
Don't! Okay?
Hell, you disgust me. Because I loved you, David.
I did.
I don't know why I did, but yeah, I did.
So what, you had a shitty fucking day? Guess what? So did I!
Today I found out that my fiance
was fucking my maid of honor!
Did you want to fuck Wendy last night at our engagement party?
Huh? Did you want to fuck her on our bed? Would that turn you on?
- How did you know it was Wendy? - Come on.
You'd have to be blind not to know what was going on.
I know everything.
- I messed up. - Yeah, you did.
You don't even know how bad.
- What do you want me to say? - Did you think I wouldn't find out?
Did you think I'm that fucking stupid?
I never thought you were stupid.
If you want to sit in this room and put a gun in your mouth
and get all dramatic, go ahead.
You and I both know you won't kill yourself.
You know what?
I don't feel sorry for you or feel guilty about your feelings,
because I fucking hate you.
I fucking hate you for what you've done to me!
You believe me?
I hope you get what you deserve.
- Hello? - Hey. Where are you?
Right now I'm just sitting in my car. Why?
Well, for what it's worth,
she knows about us. She knows it was you.
"Dear Sara... "
Oh no, she took my goddamn car.
Whisper, I guess you fucked me after all.
Every day, some faceless knob
walks out in front of a bus and buys it.
They call it fate, God's will.
That particular John Doe spent his whole life eating his peas,
studying his algebra, saving for his 401K,
blah blah blah.
All that to wind up a brown stain
on the windshield of a 10-ton city bus,
to be remembered as the poor schmuck
that got hit by a bus.
God kills true believers and kind souls every day
and gets a free pass from the entire world,
all because people think his murder and mayhem
is part of some divine plan.
Well, fuck that!
I've got a divine plan and it's just as good as God's.
Nobody has the first clue why God wastes people.
But today,
everyone is going to know why I did.
- Good morning, David. - Not really, Hank.
I've seen better.
Hi, Dave.
- Good morning, David. - Mrs. Chapman.
- Could I talk to you for a second? - Of course, David.
I always have time for a sweet young man like you.
All right, thought for the day:
Dial it down on the makeup a bit.
When you sweat, you look like a cheap, nasty whore.
Freaks us out!
Have a good one!
Morning, Dave. How are you doing today?
I'm hanging over the abyss by a fucking thread, Kenny.
But other than that, everything is super-duper!
- Rough night, David? - Go home, Martha.
- What? - Go home.
You're nine months pregnant, for God's sake.
It's bullshit that they won't give you time off.
I'd really love to,
but I don't want to lose my job.
The safety of your job
or the safety of your unborn child?
Interesting question to ponder.
Let me see if I can help you with this one.
Your water pops, you snap into a quick fit of labor and pass out,
falling on your stomach, crushing your child
right here in this break room with nobody around!
You'll be lying here like a goddamn squash.
Listen to me, Martha.
You really don't need to be here.
Go home.
Nice suit.
It's a good look for you.
How come I can't access my files?
Well...
only bank employees
can access bank files.
Judy! Conference room, now!
Marilyn, excuse me.
Quick question for you.
Think about it,
'cause how grateful would you be
if this was your desk?
Oh, uh.
I know what you're saying.
All right.
Good morning, Mrs. Crabtree.
That's not good.
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so much money...
She didn't know what to do.
Thank you for banking at North & Wells.
Have a nice life.
Hey. Have you seen David this morning?
Yeah. He looks awful.
He was acting really weird, too.
What do you mean? Where is he?
I don't know. It was scary.
What in the hell is going on in here?!
Bill!
Good of you to drop by.
I was just pissing on your grandfather.
Please come in.
Have a seat. I don't want to cause a scene.
Tits on a taco.
It's hot out there.
My grandmother...
she loved the heat of summer.
I personally don't care much for it.
And I fucking hated her. Don't get me going.
Give me a cool breeze, a nip in the air,
a hot cup of cocoa,
and I'm happy as a dog licking a nut.
You know my first name? Huh?
It's Charles.
Charles David Walsh.
But you know what? Why don't you call me Chuck?
Allen's your first name, right?
But why don't I go ahead and call you Al?
I've been working here for two years,
and you don't even know my first name.
- Am I supposed to be scared? - Let me finish!
Don't be rude!
I sat here yesterday and listened
to all the bullshit dribbling out of your fucking pie hole!
So, come on!
Give a girl a break.
Where was I?
Oh yeah! Names.
Lee Harvey Oswald, James Earl Ray, John Wilkes Booth.
What do they all have in common, Al?
Two things.
They all killed people.
And they all went by their full name.
Mark David Chapman shot John Lennon
right outside his front door.
No Yoko. John.
- Tell me the world's a fair place. - It's not.
And try to remember that while your ass bleeds
as you're being passed from nigger to wop in the showers at San Quentin.
Go on.
You don't have the balls.
You know, you're dancing on my last nerve,
and I hate dancing.
You sure I don't have the balls, I'm a loser and I don't have what it takes?
All I got to do is pull the trigger and blow the brains
out of the back of your fucking head!
Simple. See how that works?
You're ready to be the weakest link in this bank chain.
You're dead. Period. Deal with it!
Just like I said, a gutless loser.
Gartin and I agree on one thing...
life isn't fair.
If it was, he'd be dead.
Some people would say it wasn't his time,
that I was here with a gun for some other reason,
that I was the instrument of some greater good.
You want to believe that? Be my guest.
I say the only cosmic truth
proven by this fucked-up trip is,
just when you think things can't get any weirder,
they do.
I'm not gonna say it again! Everyone on the floor now!
I'm not gonna say it again! Everyone on the floor now!
All right, here we go! Let's buckle up.
Let's go, let's go! We gotta move!
We're on the clock! Move!
- No! - Come here!
Get your bitch ass up!
- Security code now! - I'm not allowed to.
Blow his fucking face off!
Hank! Give him the code!
- 8-1-9-0-1. - Go!
8-1-9-0-1.
Sit the fuck down!
You move, motherfucker! Let's go!
You! Yeah, yeah, let's go!
- Get up! - Down!
- Move, you piece of shit! - All right!
Oh ha!
Move!
- What the fuck?! - Please don't shoot me.
- Keycard to the vault, now! - I don't have it.
- Fuck! - Here's one.
- Gracias. - Yeah.
Stay on that fucking couch! Don't fucking move!
You ready to die? Huh?
I'll blow all your fucking heads off right here. I don't give a fuck.
Don't look at me!
Stupid bitch!
Let's go, let's go! We gotta move!
We are through fucking around!
Does anyone else want to get shot?
David!
Come on, come on. Come on!
Come on, guys, time's up! Let's go now!
Everybody, fucking relax!
Shut the fuck up!
Go, go, go!
Let's go, motherfuckers! Let's go!
- Come on, you stupid whore! Let's go! - Hey, leave her...
- What are you doing? Let's go! - Load the van!
- In the van now! We're good. - Move, bitch!
- Get off me! - Move!
Shut the fuck up, bitch!
Come here.
- David! - Drive, motherfucker, drive!
- Ready? - This is silly, this is very silly.
Oh my God!
Lord in Heaven!
- You want to get that? - Together.
Make it look like you like each other. Oh, that's...
We have confirmation from the lab
on David's remains, Ms. Goodwin.
It's a positive ID.
I hate to be so forward, but I have a couple more questions.
No, I understand.
So he never came home from the motel after the last night, right?
Yes, um...
I left him at the hotel around 3:00 in the morning.
Was he drinking or...?
No.
Did he give you any indication that he intended to...
I broke off our engagement.
I didn't know that he had gotten fired that day.
I guess it just...
it was just too much for him to handle.
Call us if you need anything, okay?
He saved the life of a fellow bank employee.
Those of us that knew David...
it's just... you would never ever expect him to do something like this.
And we don't really know what happened,
but I do know that he saved lives today.
Metro Police received a major break in the case
when firefighters responding to a blaze
at this chemical storage warehouse in West Covina
discovered a burned-out van.
At this hour, the LA County Medical Examiner
has positively identified the human remains discovered in that vehicle
as those of unlikely hero Charles David Walsh.
- While a massive investiga... - What the fuck!
This is... I can't believe this.
This is...
every station... It's hero, hero, hero.
There's nothing about the robbery. This is such bullshit.
You've been harping on that for three days.
When are you gonna quit bitching?
Two years you've been busting my balls on every detail of this plan.
And everything I said would happen happened...
right down to that stupid newswoman calling me a hero.
And I wrapped it up with a nice bow for the cops too.
I'm dead, you're invisible.
We got $9 million and nobody's even looking for us.
So for the last time, shut the fuck up.
- And so say all of us. - You know what? I've had enough of your shit too.
I've had it with both of you.
Finish loading your shit and get out.
You need to keep it down. I can hear you in the other room.
Why don't you put it in my bank review?
Oh, well, maybe I will.
Ah, not so hard. I'm still sore.
That's bullshit, honey.
I thought bulletproof vests were supposed to be bulletproof.
- Why didn't you use blanks? - That's what I told him.
- Here. - We all got to relax,
pack up and go our separate ways.
Oh, Chicken does such good work.
I look so thin.
- Hey, Jack? - Yes, Eric.
Is Chicken still breathing?
Uh, Chicken, are you still breathing?
Not anymore.
I liked him. Why did you kill him?
It was part of the plan. You knew that.
Mm-hmm, well, thanks for thinking of me.
If you need anymore dental work done in the future...
Hey, "Crying Game," a root canal is dental work.
All you did was X-ray the teeth of a corpse.
Well, Jack, let's review what I did.
I provided the police with fake dental records for our hero
that matched the poor schmuck we burnt up in the van.
The van that I drove.
And, I feigned mental retardation.
Oh, no, that was you, wasn't it? Oh, God, you were feigning, weren't you?
I'm sorry, I didn't know. I had no idea.
Oh, nice bag.
Oh, that? Oh, thanks, that was a gift.
So where are you headed, Miss Thang?
Oh, well, uh... my office is still closed today
so I thought I would go over there and stash my winnings.
Aah.
This is the part I hate, the goodbyes.
Oh, I feel just like Dorothy leaving Oz.
You know, I'm gonna miss you the most, Scarecrow.
All right.
- You take care of yourself, okay? - I will. You do the same.
Right.
Oh, uh... Jack!
I'm thinking of a number between one and 10.
- Uh... six. - Oh, so close.
It was go fuck yourself.
Thank you, my lady.
God!
Well, I gotta get going.
I gotta get back to my place, take a shower.
We reopen today and I have to see a grief counselor.
Let's go through this one more time, make sure we're all on the same page.
So you're gonna go back to work for two more months, and then...
Right, um...
I just... I can't work here anymore.
I need to get away. I need to...
just go someplace else.
I've had nightmares every night since the robbery.
And I just want to put this all behind me.
I just want to start a new life.
Something like that.
That's good. She's good.
- She's great. - All right.
Well, listen, I won't see you guys for a while, so...
try to stay out of trouble.
And Jack, will you keep an eye on him for me?
- I will. - Okay.
Hey, I don't want to get all sappy and shit.
But you did a good job.
Thanks, Jack.
Uh, my real name is Wyatt,
so you can call me that.
Okay. Thanks, Wyatt.
Hey, take care of yourself, sweetheart.
I will if you will. All right, asshole.
Take care of that arm and my money
and I will see you before you know it.
- I can't wait. - I love you. You believe me?
Believe you.
Okay.
- I'll see you when I see you. - Yeah.
God damn!
The ass on that girl.
You know I hate to see her go,
but I love to watch her leave.
Let's split up her share and get the fuck out of here. We got a plane to catch.
You have ice-cold piss running through your veins.
What... how can you walk away from a woman like that?
Easily.
All right, big time, I'm gonna pull my car around.
You finish packing here.
Something wrong?
We did it. You and me, man, we pulled it off.
Fucking-A!
Listen, I'm sorry about freaking out there toward the end.
You know, I hate to admit it, but you were right.
- I got caught up. I thought I was in love. - Whatever.
Here. Fuck Sara, and fuck Wendy!
I couldn't have done it without you.
- Hey. - Thanks, Wyatt.
You were a little stupid there for a while.
She was cute, there's no doubt about that.
But, I mean, give me a fucking break.
Fuck, man, you're an artist.
Shit, man, I owe you.
- No, you don't. You don't owe me. - Yep, you faced...
I mean, I still, like...
I don't know, I feel like... bad.
I'm sorry. You know I feel sorry... I'm sorry about that, right?
Yeah.
- Let it go. - All right.
Yeah, you're right. You are right. I'll let it go.
I just mean, I don't know...
I feel like I should thank you, you know.
And not just... not just for the cash.
I mean, I feel like... fuck! You're the only real friend I've got...
Oh... now you're quiet.
What?
No big speech about how you didn't see this coming?
You burned me.
Now I burn you.
The Coke machine only had Sprite.
Cool.
Well, the sooner we get out of here, the better.
Hey, Wyatt, how is it hanging?
How much do you think housekeeping gets to clean a room like this?
Well, not enough, that's for sure.
Can you imagine the look on the maid's face when she comes in here
and finds all you guys dead?
I guess I should be disappointed
with the way things turned out.
But what're you gonna do?
If you want to play the game
and someone plays it better than you,
you've got to give it up to them.
Live and learn. Or not.
At least now I know that everything in my life was an illusion.
I just didn't know how deep it ran.
The good news is,
I guess I finally achieved total enlightenment.
The bad news?
I had to take a bullet in the brain to get it.
As for fate and cosmic justice?
Well, maybe in the end we do get exactly what we deserve.
Maybe God does have a divine plan.
If he does,
good luck trying to figure it out.
I guess Buddha had it figured right.
Life is the biggest con of them all.
Just when you think you got every angle figured,
every one played,
the truth is revealed.
And the truth is,
everything you thought you knew was an illusion.
Everything.
I hate going to the dentist.
I've missed you. Believe me?
I believe you.
Nirvana, baby. Nirvana.
Who cares if it's cloudy or sunny?
I want to show you something real quick.
Could you throw another tray of Brie puffs in the oven?
Thank you. Bye, Jack.
I'll be in in a second, babe.
I don't feel sorry for you or guilty about your feelings,
because I fucking hate you.
I fucking hate you for what you've done to me.
You believe me?
I hope you get what you deserve.
- Hello? - Where are you?
I'm just sitting in my car. Why?
For what it's worth, she knows about us.
How could she possibly know it was me?
Asshole.
Dead man derby. You wanna make some money or what?
I'll give you Jimmy Riggs. He's puking up blood like he's Old Faithful,
so you need to place your fucking bets.
Raise him up. Put his head here.
- Raise him up! - No, put his head up here.
Oh. Oh God.
Back off!
Let him do his thing!
Come on.
You should see your face now, Bugsy.
I told you not to call me that. It's Buck, not Bugsy.
Buck! Bugsy, Bugsy, Bugsy.
Bugsy.
What are you looking at?
Tryptophan!
Believe me?
People see what they want.
Everyone loves a good lie, even me.
Call me crazy. Everyone else will.
But they don't know what I know,
that everything I am is an illusion.
Everything.
Nirvana.
Thought for the day:
Tone it down on the makeup a bit.
When you sweat, you look like a cheap, Nasty whore.
It freaks us out.
I just hope that my review shows that I've beenslacking off,
and that's why I should be fired.
That way, when I snap and threaten to kill the old fucker...
Sasquahachie?
What's the matter, sunshine, step in some shit?
That I was fucking nuts!
David, I promise
that in our next lifetime together
I will look for you harder,
I will find you sooner
and I will not waste so much time.
That idiot son-in-law of mine
has been Employee Of The Month four times.
I wouldn't be surprised if you get Employee Of The Month.
Sasquahachie?
If I wore a robe to work,
people would think I was fucking nuts.
- How do you sleep at night? - Usually naked,
on one of the newer, younger employees.
Oh, that explains the smile on Bob's face.
I'm gonna give you Jimmy Riggs, give you Jimmy Riggs
"Judge not, lest ye be judged," Bugs.
Ezekiel, chapter two.
Do what you have to
to do what you want to.
Nirvana.
Sasquahachie?
You banjo-strumming Deliverance reject!
Give a girl a break!
Nobody has the first clue why God wastes people.
But today, everyone's going to know why I did.
Tryptophan!
People see what they want.
And everyone loves a good lie, even me.
Call me crazy. Everyone else will.
But they don't know what I know,
that everything I am is an illusion.
Everything.
Nirvana.
E=mc2
ER 01x01-02 - 24 Hours
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Even Cowgirls Get the Blues 1993
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