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Envy (2004)

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~ [light, upbeat ukulele]
~ [man singing Envy]
[snoring]
[alarm buzzes]
[alarm beeps]
[continues snoring]
- [Michael] Lula loves her syrup. - [Debbie] You have enough syrup.
[Tim] Mrs. Butterworths isn't a squirt bottle.
lt's no big deal. You've had enough.
- Mom, these aren't brown enough. - Do you want me to burn them?
No, but l just want them more brown.
Mikey, Mom's not a short order cook.
Eat up now.
[Natalie] Double knots? We never did double knots.
- [Nick] Sweetie, l can't get it. - Don't use a fork.
No bubbles at the table. Eat your breakfast first.
She's right, you know, my eggs taste like bubbles now.
- Hurry up, honey, you'll be late. - [Tim] All right.
The van needs an inspection sticker. Good luck.
Alrighty.
What's this? Look who's hiding.
Mr. Dino... and another weird stowaway.
Okay, Nathan, no cereal in my thingie.
- Bye, sweetheart. - Bye, honey.
Nathan!
- What's that? - What?
That.
Maple syrup.
Mmm, man! Can you believe that comes from a tree?
Don't taste my pants.
l can't taste your pants?
Ever.
- Ever? - No.
Well, don't spill maple syrup on them.
Just because it's there doesn't mean you have to taste it.
- l like maple syrup. - Not from my pants.
l love it.
How about this: What if you had, like, an inkpad...
only instead of ink, it was soaked in maple syrup.
Or peppermint. Any flavor you wanted.
- And you just open up your little pad. - Right.
And you press your finger on it and then you taste your finger.
Peppermint. Any time of day. Or cherry.
[Tim] Wouldn't the pad get disgusting after awhile?
[Nick] Disgusting how?
l don't know. You keep touching it with your filthy fingers.
Couple of days that flavor pad's like some mattress you find at the dump.
You're right. lt's no good.
[knocking]
[Nick] Tim.
- Did you get your performance chart? - Yeah.
Well, look at mine. l don't get it.
Good. Fair. Fair. Good.
Then it falls into the red in the focus department.
Well, you know, Nick, that's because you're a dreamer. You know?
- l'm not a dreamer. - You're not the most focused person.
You're a dreamer.
Yeah. l'm a dreamer?
Hey, you want to feel something? Come here.
Sit in this chair. Come here.
Okay.
Check this out.
Whoa.
- Sit back. - Oh, this is some chair!
- Do you like it? - Yeah.
Feel this.
What is that?
- Lumbar support. - That is good.
- lt's made especially for your spine. - l like it.
Comes with the office. And the promotion.
- Right. - Thinking of buying a swimming pool?
- What, are you kidding? - l am.
- Thinking bean-shaped. - [grunts]
Expensive. Bean-shaped?
[whistling]
Take a look at my performance chart.
Look at your focus. lt's way up there. lt's in the yellow.
l'm telling you, you get your focus even into the orange, just the orange...
l guarantee you can have a chair like that.
- Really? - And an office like this.
And a piano-shaped pool if that's what you want.
lt's all there for you. All you got to do is focus.
Just work a little bit harder.
You can get bumped up to sandpaper with me and the world opens up.
You know what, man? You could really sack out in this thing.
l'm telling you, your numbers aren't that bad. lt's just focus.
lf you put together everything else, you got a really strong thing going on...
[breathing heavily]
Nick. Nick!
[snorting]
- l got to get back to work. - Yeah.
- Good talk. - Yeah, good talk.
- Remember what l said. - Focus.
- Just get into orange. - That's all l need.
Don't even worry about yellow, just orange.
[whistle blows]
[Nick] Do you ever just watch your hand?
[Tim] No.
l was just looking at my hand today.
lt was like a separate thing.
lt was...
picking up papers.
lt tapped on my desk. lt sat in my lap.
- lt's like... - Sorry.
lt's like a...
lt's like a sidekick.
My little ugly sidekick. lt was very odd.
Eww.
- [Nick] Oh, oh! - [Tim] What?
- [Nick] Oh! - [Tim] What?!
[Nick] How about this?
A spray can, see? And you spray it on dog poo...
and the poo disappears.
- Disappears? - Yes!
Where does it go?
Who knows? But the thing is...
you come up with something that gets rid of dog turds,
you are home free, my friend. Home free.
[Debbie sighs]
[Debbie sighs]
What?
Nothing.
Liposuction.
You mean, where they suck the fat out?
There's a thing about it in here.
You're fine. You don't need to get fat sucked out.
- lf we had a little extra money... - We don't have extra money.
- We have a little. - Not to get fat sucked out.
[phone rings]
Hello?
- Timmy. Timmy, check this out. - What?
You know that invention of mine that makes turds disappear?
[sighing]
l got a name for it.
Vapoorize.
Just like vaporize only you add an ''o'' so you got ''poo'' right in the middle.
Yeah, l get it.
Do you see how perfect it is? Maybe even underline the poo.
Va-poo-rize.
- All right. - Vapoorize.
Goodbye.
- Nick? - Mmm-hmm.
- What did he want? - Nothing.
Vapoorize.
[announcer] Next up, ladies and gentlemen, Nathan Vanderpark.
- [woman] Go ahead, Nathan. - [Nick] All right.
- [cheering, clapping] - Here we go, Nathan. Here we go.
- [woman] Almost. - [Nick] All right.
- Nice try. - [Nick] All right, Nathan, let's...
[Nick] Close one.
Oh! Come... all right.
[Nick] That's enough. Hey!
[Natalie] Almost.
- We'll get them next time, no problem. - [Natalie] Good job.
You know Dimitriov in research?
- Dimitriov? - Yeah.
- Kind of big beard? Kind of strange? - No.
- l told him about my invention. - What invention?
Vapoorize!
Nick, you got a cute name, that's it.
lt's not an invention. lt's an idea. lt's nothing.
Not according to Dimitriov. He thinks l'm really on to something.
~ [harmonica, drumming]
- [all] Bravo! - [Natalie] Good stuff.
- [Nick] Good job. - [Natalie] Good stuff.
You know what? l love this tent. There's not one bug.
Guess what?
l went over to Dimitriov's a couple nights ago.
We ran some experiments in his sink.
- He's having a ball with this thing. - What thing?
You didn't tell Debbie about my invention?
No, sorry, l didn't. Go ahead. This is great.
Check it out. lt's a spray can, okay?
And you spray it on dog poo...
and the poo disappears.
That is an awesome invention. l mean, we could sure use it.
lt's not an invention. lt's nothing. l mean, how does it work?
lt's a spray can and you spray it on.
- Exactly. - Right?
Yeah, l know. But what makes it disappear?
Things don't just disappear.
l don't know, honey. How does anything work?
How does electricity work? l think it's a great idea.
So do l. l think it's really exciting.
- [Tim laughs] - You're nuts.
Dessert, everybody?
- l'm nuts. l'm crazy. - You're crazy!
Hey, l have an invention. Honey, l have an invention.
lt's this button you press and you sprout wings and you can fly.
You can fly into outer space, to the moon, to Jupiter if you like.
[low chattering]
[whispering] He's doing so well.
[Tim] He's not doing anything.
- Does he have any lines? - No, honey, he's a tree.
Three months of rehearsal.
Dimitriov wants to know if l want to take it to the next level.
Four thousand bucks. You want to go in with me, 50l50?
[chuckling] l pray to God you're kidding.
- Your invention? - Yeah.
We've been working with dry ice. We've got something amazing.
Nick, forget it.
No, wait a minute. $2,000. We have that in our savings.
[Debbie] Who knows?
Shit doesn't just disappear.
lt has to go somewhere.
And it's not an invention, it's an idea. lt's a pie in the sky idea.
And l'll tell you, as your best friend...
l think you should just pull out right now.
Don't waste your money. You're gonna regret it.
''lt's pie in the sky.''
- [screaming] - [gasping]
Where are the kids? What's happening?
Honey?
[Natalie] l have champagne glasses, too.
[Nick] All right!
What's happening?
[Nick] Okay, let me get it for you. l'll do everything.
You just stay there and just relax and get ready for the big stuff.
- [Nick] We got it. - [Natalie giggling]
- Exciting. - Watch this.
[Nick] l'm so glad you guys are here! This is Dimitriov.
- Meet our best friends in the universe. - How do you do?
Give Tim the flash, Big D.
Okay. Here, take it.
[Nick] Goggles.
Shine it right on her, buddy boy.
''Her''?
[whooping, screaming]
[cheering continues]
- You told me it would work and it did! - [Natalie] Did you see that?!
[Nick] lt works. lt works like a charm.
Did you guys see that?
[Nick] Get a camera. There's nothing to shoot!
Spray some on my butt because l shat my pants. Yeah!
We are going to be so rich, Dimitriov!
[Nick] Vapoorize!
[Natalie] God, we are going to be so rich!
No matter what kind of dog you have, let's face it,
they all gotta do their ''business.''
Vapoorize!
That's right!
[Nick] One spray: Problem solved.
ls this some kind of video trick?
No.
lt's the miracle spray. One spray and doggy doo disappears.
No fuss, no muss, no tools, no robot arm...
''How do l work it? l don't know!''
- Too good to be true? - No!
Vapoorize: Because life is tough enough.
[announcer] Now at stores everywhere.
[announcer] Now at stores everywhere.
~ [piano, offbeat drumming]
[cheering]
[speaking in Spanish]
Now's a good time to break the big news.
l have decided to run for Congress.
Congress.
No, l'm serious.
Yeah. l mean, not the big Congress, of course, the little one.
- ''The little one.'' - ''The little one?''
Yeah. Actually, it might be the state senate. l can't remember.
Anyway, l'm super excited...
because we are so lucky...
and we have so, so, so much.
And l feel like we should give something back.
So, l've decided l'm going to run for Congress
or state senate or whatever.
And my main platform...
is going to be...
the environment.
State senate.
Environment, like the whole environment?
Yeah. l believe in all environments and l'm going to say it.
And now for dessert.
Flan!
- Flan! Oh, boy! - Whoo!
- Come on, kids, flan time! - Get down here, the flan's here!
[Natalie] Flan, kids! Flan!
l love flan. Do you?
What is flan?
My God, you're in for such a treat.
- You don't know flan? - Eat your flan, buddy. Kids, flan!
- Guys, flan's on the table! - Flan!
Flan! Flan!
Flan! Yay, flan! Flan!
What's flan?
''Jasper and Amos shine the flashlight into the hole.
''Staring up at them, tied and gagged, was Louie the Grouch.''
lt's getting exciting, isn't it?
Boy, that flan was good.
l wish we had flan.
Dad?
Yeah?
Why are we getting the little, itty-bitty pool?
lt's not a little itty-bitty.
The square one's little itty-bitty. We're getting the bean-shaped model.
A little itty-bitty bean.
lt's not a little, itty-bitty bean. lt's an average-sized bean, Mikey.
And l got news for you.
There are kids in the world who'd walk 50 miles through quicksand
just to stick a toe in your pool.
And l got news for you about beans too.
Some kids'd eat beans because they've had nothing to eat their whole life,
but leaves and bark and roots.
And l guarantee you, none of them has ever heard of your big, show-off flan,
or flan or whatever you want to call it that you got to have every night.
Two thousand dollars. That's all it would've taken.
- lt's okay, honey. - Dad's just having a meltdown.
Good night. Sleep tight.
- l don't like English muffins. - Eat your cereal.
- l don't like English muffins. - Eat your cereal.
- Try different breakfast foods. - l like pancakes.
- Tomorrow we'll have pancakes. - Fine.
l don't want any more cereal.
Eat up, otherwise you don't get to play with Corky, okay?
- What? - Nothing.
Why are you always asking ''what''?
- l'm not always asking ''what.'' - Yes, you are.
lt's true, Dad, you are.
Well, because l know there's something.
- And you know exactly what it is. - Then why do you always say ''nothing''?
- Corky! - [Debbie] Hold Lula's hand, honey.
[Tim groans]
- [Mikey] Corky! - [nickering]
So beautiful.
[Mikey] Such a great horse, Corky.
[Mikey] Who's a good boy?
Corky's a sweet and gentle horse and me and the kids love him.
Corky happens to shit the size of a breadbasket
in our yard every day when he comes to visit.
What are you doing?
Nothing. Nothing at all.
l'm just throwing away some more completely useless inventions.
For chrissakes, Debbie, light? Light?! Come on!
Come on! This was shit.
You think Edison would've looked up from his workbench at some shit spray?
Yes. Yes, l do.
Because, you see, a good invention is a good invention!
l got news for you, sister. Edison ain't looking up.
Sister. Sister?!
l'm calling you sister.
You should be so lucky to be my sister.
She knows what she's talking about.
Windtalker, or whatever her name is.
- Do not call her that. lt's Windsong. - Windsong. My mistake. Windsong.
Knockety, knockety. A-knock, knock, knock.
Knockety, knockety. A-knock, knock, knock.
How's everybody doing?
What a day, right?
My God! Can you believe the coffee that makes?
l knew you'd love it. Let's go, tiger.
[gasping, cooing]
Look who's here, will you please?
Look who's here. lt's okay, poopie.
Have you been stealing apples again, you little rascal?
Listen, and l want you to be honest, has Corky become a nuisance?
- No. - Not one bit.
Natalie says, ''Keep the corral closed.''
But Corky's so crazy about your apples, l don't know what to do.
No more apples for you. No more apples...
l can't stop him. He loves your apples. Are you sure he's not a problem?
- Positive. - You guys are so fantastic.
Well, my buddy boy, let's go shoot us some golf.
Well, my buddy boy, let's go shoot us some golf.
l got something for you. l'll be right back.
- Nick, no. Please. - Yes. You'll love it.
You don't have to get me anything else.
[Nick] When l hit it big,
everyone said l should buy a house in Beverly Hills, Bel Air or Malibu.
''Why you spending money on a mansion in the Valley?''
But l love my neighborhood, and being across the street from my best friend.
Do you see how it moves in the wind? That's what l love.
lt flaps different than cheaper fabric. Do you notice that?
- Yeah. - And it makes you feel better.
Nice fabric makes you feel better! lt's mind-blowing, isn't it?
Nick, you buy us too much.
Too much?! You're my best friend. Nice things make life nicer.
All right, let's take another look at that follow-through.
l want the head down.
That is nice, Nicky.
- Right? - Very nice.
God Almighty, Mr. Dingman.
Nick? Can l talk to you for a second?
Just take a second.
Can't it just be us? You and me playing golf?
lt's just, this is costing a fortune.
Cut it out with this money thing. lt means nothing to me.
Let's just enjoy it.
Why can't you come with us?
Because Daddy has to go to work.
You'll have a great time at Aunt Nancy's.
Aunt Windsong, and you know that.
lt's Aunt Windsong now.
Honey, you don't have to do this. Really. Why do this?
Because l have to do this. We have to do this.
Something has to change.
l can't look at you, l can't look across the street.
l'm running out of places to look.
[whispering] The pool people come tomorrow.
[Nathan] Just wait and see this, Dad.
[whooping]
Whoa! You the man.
- [Nick] You're the man. - Yeah!
[tires squeal]
~ [Envy reprise]
Hey, Timmy, check this out!
Yeah!
Yah! Yah!
[high-pitched whinny]
Yah!
[man] Mr. Dingman!
Mr. Parmenter wants to see you! Section 1 1 !
You wanted to see me?
[shouting] You all right?
What?
[shouting] You seem distracted!
- What? - Come on!
[Parmenter] Your performance chart's pretty good until here.
And then your focus nosedives into the red.
You see?
Now, is there anything that happened around here...
you might like to talk about?
No.
- You sure? - Yeah. No.
Any reason?
Reason? No, l can't think of...
Any reason at all?
No. No reason. No. l mean, nothing l can think of.
l mean...
you know, other than every day l get into my little shit-box car
and there he is, with the wind in his hair...
on his great big shiny horse.
And l drive off to do what? To make sandpaper.
To make paper with sand on it.
l'd love to see you try to turn your weasely little mouth into a fake smile,
day after day after day...
while waving toodly-fucking-do to your best friend,
who's rearing up on a big white horse like he's the Lone Ranger.
Then l'd like to see your performance chart,
you beady-eyed little shrimp-boat bastard!
[voice cracks] ls that a reason?
l mean, is that a reason?
~ [Envy reprise]
Hi.
l don't really drink, but my family just left me
and l got fired and l want a drink.
So, if you could just give me whatever you'd have if you wanted to drink.
Please.
[man] Harsh.
Abandoned.
Fired.
lt's harsh, man.
Know what the best job l ever got fired from was?
Pretzel kiosk.
Afternoon shift. Just loved it, don't know why, just did.
Could be the apron, who the hell knows?
Or maybe the feeling of power you get when there's a crowd.
One hand rolls dough, ties those babies off.
The other hand maybe works the soda, refills the mustard. lt's quite a thing.
l'll tell you a secret.
lf a pretzel is a quality pretzel, you don't need salt.
lt's just a fact.
[man] How come?
Your family up and blew out of town on you?
Thank you, but l don't really feel like talking about it right now.
- Thank you. - Okay.
So, how come you got canned?
lt's a whole different topic.
l just blew up.
Good for you, man. Good for you. Good for you.
- Who at? - l blew up at my boss.
Right on, brother. l hear you.
Man, l hear you!
What'd you go and blow up at your boss for?
You know, it's like a long, complicated story.
Well, that is sensational. l'm the J-Man, by the way.
- Tim. - Tim.
lke.
Another round, please.
Something fruity for me and my friend, Tim.
On the J-Man.
Okay, Tim...
just let it tumble out like circus freaks, man.
l'm here for you.
The J-Man is zeroed in, okay?
Go.
Go.
Well, l have this friend. He's my best friend.
l love the guy. l mean, it's like we're, you know...
Our families do everything together.
- Used to go to work together every day. - Keep it coming.
And he'd have these stupid...
He'd have these stupid ideas.
Open your heart. Open your heart.
Where does it come from?
Shit.
lt's all from shit.
You know who you are? You're like that guy...
Che, Che something.
- ''Che something''? - Up with the people. People power.
Or the kid that stole a chicken with the golden eggs.
What a fantastic chicken.
Who's for the giant? Nobody. You hear what l'm saying.
You're the hero.
Forget Che! You're like Robin Hood.
- Robin Hood? Really? - Listen to me.
Listen to me. Life's unfair. lt's a raw deal planet, Jack.
You, my little dumbbell friend, are Mr. Everyman
and you don't even know it, which makes you like the grand turbo Mr. Everyman.
Honestly?
Come on.
You're like a great big dimwit. You know that. Fantastic.
Everyman Dimwit.
That stinking family across the street. Who wouldn't feel like you?
l like you. l'm glad l came in here.
You know that?
Ringlets! Give me a break. Let me tell you a little story.
When l was maybe 1 0,
there was this kid across the street, Ernie ''Nice Kid.''
Ernie had everything. Only kid around with a BB gun, okay?
So one night l see the whole family drive off.
What'd l do? l sneak across the street and find the BB gun.
l squeeze off maybe five, ten pot shots at the windows...
Hello. ln my house.
- ln your house? - Yes, you got...
You squoze off to your house?
You got it. Next morning my old man gets up,
sees all these little BB holes in our windows.
He marches across the street, bangs on the door and Tim,
my little bozo friend,
things changed big time over there in Ernieville.
That's what you got to do!
- What? - Shake things up.
Over there, man. Shake them up.
Make them think of something besides the temperature in that candy-ass pool.
- Shit, what time is it? - What kind of question is that?
l got to get back! They can't build the pool!
lke, cab...
on the J-Man.
- [Vanderparks cheering, clapping] - [Natalie] Come on!
Excuse me!
[whooping, laughter]
Sir! Sir!
You have to stop, please.
[Natalie] Here they come!
- Whoo! - Hi, Mom!
Digging, no. We can't pay for the pool.
We don't... we can't pay for the pool.
No, no. Stop! Sir! No mas!
- Sir, l'll talk to the office. - [in Spanish]
Good afternoon, Mr. Tim.
- Hi. - You look really, really wonderful.
And here is something from your great friends across the street
while your wonderful family is away.
[Natalie, kids cheering]
''Thought you might enjoy a taste from our newly acquired vineyard.''
~ [Envy reprise]
[J-Man] You got to shake things up. Over there, man. Shake them up.
Carousel of dreams.
Casa Corky.
Casa Corky.
lncredible.
lncredible hedge work.
[J-Man] You got to shake things up.
Over there, man. Shake them up.
Shake things up. Shake them up.
[high-pitched whinny, thudding]
Huh?
Corky.
My God. How is this possible?
How could a little arrow kill a big horse?
Come on, Corky. Corky, come on, come on.
lt's just a little arrow. Come on, Corky.
Giddy up, boy.
Corky. Giddy up. Giddy up.
Corky.
Okay, Corky.
Come on, boy. One, two.
Come on.
Shit.
Shit. God.
Come on, Corky.
[yelling]
[J-Man] Hey.
Cock-a-doodle-doo.
Car return. How's that for service?
l'd probably still be driving a limo if it wasn't for the hat.
Hats.
Hats make my head itch.
- What time is it? - You got a time hang-up, don't you?
Oh, God.
- Look at me. - l was thinking the same thing.
You are one big stinking pig, Tim.
- How'd you get my keys? - Keys?
The J-Man don't usually need keys, my little dumbbell pal.
So, that's the place?
Look at it. All from shit? l see what you mean.
l don't even live here and that place is pulling my testicles up.
l mean, literally, they're actually coming up.
You ever get that?
l killed his horse.
- What? - l killed his horse.
That story you were telling about shaking things up...
l went over there and l shot this bow and arrow,
and l shot at my house and l hit his horse.
He was eating apples in my yard.
There was a hole because we were going to have a pool and l buried him in it.
- Well, now. - [Lula] Daddy! We're home!
No!
lt's my family.
- Hide! - Hide?
Hide! Hide.
- Hide? Can't l just mosey off? - No! Don't mosey off.
No, you can't mosey off. They'll see you!
- So? - So? So, what are you doing here?
Who are you? You're some guy from a bar.
What's wrong with...? l'm the J-Man, bringing your car back.
Daddy!
- Hey, tiger! - Daddy!
- Hey, peanut. - We all really missed you.
You look terrible. Honey, one question.
What is at the heart of everything? What l'm asking you is:
What is at the heart of the heart of the heart of the heart?
Do you know what the answer is? Self-love.
Windsong told me that l have been hating myself for resenting you.
And you've been resenting yourself for passing up on a big opportunity.
What we need to do is we need to focus on what we have.
[screaming]
Hey! Oh, hey!
This is... This guy...
Honey...
this is... This man is the man...
who was in the bathroom. l didn't tell you.
Honey... something happened while you were gone, something bad.
What?
l'll take it from here, Tim.
Mrs. Dingman...
l'm Elmo Carp, pool rep.
Your husband and l were up here discussing your swimming pool options.
- Swimming pool options? - Yes.
You see, we dug it, we had to fill it back in.
We're sorry as heck. Where do we go from here?
That's the point we were at when you barged in.
l don't understand. Fill it back in?
So you mean we're not getting a pool?
No, sonny boy, l'm afraid not. Too many gosh darn pipes.
- Pipes? - Yes.
Underground pipes in your yard,
but l've intruded enough on your little family reunion here.
l'll be on my way.
And thanks for filthying up your clothes,
helping me fill in the big hole, Tim.
Ma'am, your husband's got the back of a coal miner.
l know because l've mined coal. See you.
Something's happened to Corky.
- What? - [kids] Corky?
- Have you seen Corky? - l haven't seen Corky.
- Corky's gone? - Have you seen Corky?
- l have not seen Corky. - That's what l mean.
We've been looking and looking. Where could he be?
- A great big horse, where? - Nick, a horse can't just disappear.
- He's got to be somewhere. - Yeah, but where?
Where? Where? The kids are a mess.
Wish me luck.
Corky!
[Nick] Corky, come on!
Good afternoon. My name is Natalie Vanderpark.
l'm running for state senate in your district.
So l thought l'd canvass the neighborhood
and introduce myself to everyone.
[man] Who it is, Mable?
lt's that woman running for state senate, Carl.
The shit lady? No way. We're going with Shaunessey.
Your opponent Shaunessey,
he asked a good question on the radio this morning.
And what question was that?
Well, didn't your husband get loaded making turds disappear?
My husband invented Vapoorize, if that's what you're referring to.
That's what Shaunessey was talking about.
Where do all them turds go? l mean, they got to be somewhere.
First they're here, then they're not here,
and then they disappear.
Where does the turd go to? Really, tell me now.
~ [Envy reprise]
So long, everybody.
- Bye, have a good day at work. - Bye, Daddy.
- Bye, honey. - Good luck at the salt mines, Dad.
Where am l going?
Wait. Timmy, wait!
Wait! God.
Timmy, l can't find him.
l've been looking all night and he's nowhere.
l know he's just a horse, but...
Corky.
Corky! Where are you, my Corky boy?
[hysterical crying]
God, look at me. This is crazy.
Will you pass these out down at 3M for me?
l found some grooming hairs in his tail brush.
[wailing] My God.
- $50,000? - [yelling] lt's pennies!
lt's pennies. Who cares? Corky's my pal.
He's my pal and l'd pay $50,000 to find you if you were lost, wouldn't l?
- Yeah. - Wouldn't l?!
- Okay. - [weeping uncontrollably]
All right. lt's going to be okay.
All right. lt's going to be okay.
~ [Envy reprise]
Are you insane?
That is the most selfish thing l ever heard in my life.
The guy loves you, man. You'd be killing your best friend.
You killed his horse, right? You killed his horse.
Now you want to tell him? You tell him.
What about this? We move the horse someplace else.
l find it, l get the reward. l'm bending over backwards here.
How do we move a horse?
We dig him up. We haul him off.
No, l mean... without anybody seeing us.
You ever hear of night?
What about the noise? My family's right there.
l don't want them to...
You don't move the horse, l do,
while you and your family are enjoying nature,
down at my cabin on the lake.
- You have a cabin on the lake? - What?
You think l didn't have a childhood?
Bunk beds, hiking trails, hooty owls.
You can move a horse by yourself?
For 50 grand.
But l will say this:
Knowing what l happen to know about things buried,
the sooner the better.
- [Tim] Hey, Deb? - [Debbie] Mmm-hmm?
How'd you like to go to a nice cabin on a lake?
- Cabin on a lake? - Yeah.
This guy at work offered his cabin. lt's supposed to be really nice.
- Who at work offered you this? - Jackameyer.
Jack... Jack Jackameyer.
[Tim] lt's an hour from here and it has all sorts of wildlife...
and hooty owls and stuff.
[Tim] Hiking trails.
[protestors] Where does the shit go? We want to know!
Where does the shit go? We want to know!
Where does the shit go? We want to know!
[chanting continues]
Pretty incredible, huh?
Whoa! Watch out. lt's okay.
What a spot.
What do you mean, ''what a spot''? l mean, where...
He said it's just down at the end of the private driveway.
What private driveway? This isn't a private driveway.
This is pretty private, honey. l mean, this is great.
Talk about secluded.
We've walked, like, a mile.
lt's not a mile, honey. lt seems longer because it's so beautiful.
Tim!
- [Lula] Mommy, where's Daddy? - l don't know, honey.
- [Mikey] l'm thirsty. - Okay.
- [Debbie] Tim! - Whoo! l found it!
lt's a little sloping incline down to the...
[yelling, grunting]
This is it?
[Tim] You bet this is it.
This is... This is wild, huh, kids?
Kind of like a... Like an old gingerbread house in the woods.
Where's the lake?
l'll tell you what. Why don't we check out the bunkhouse, okay?
And then you guys can have a contest to see who finds the lake first, all right?
Winner gets 50 cents. 50 cents. Come on.
Let's check it out.
Okay. Weird smell.
Let's hold our noses. Come on.
lt's okay, Mikey, come on in.
[all screaming]
- My God. - [Tim] lt's okay.
Just a little critter. Just...
Don't touch it. He's dead.
Under no circumstances is this a lake.
Maybe there's a tide.
No one could ever find this lake.
Congratulations, you saved yourself 50 cents.
[rustling, footsteps]
[owl hoots]
[whispering] What is that?
Tim?
Yes?
Tim?
Yes?
You're Tim?
Yes, l'm Tim.
The J-Man says, ''Come quick.''
Come quick?
Yeah, come quick.
That's it.
Now, when you see the J-Man, you tell him we're even.
And Bosco says, ''Up your ass with Mobil gas.''
Okay.
What will you tell the J-Man?
l'm going to tell him that Bosco says we're even
and up your ass with Mobil gas.
Mobil gas.
lt's Jack's neighbor, he needs some help.
Neighbor?
That's right, Bosco, he's as nice as Jack,
but his car's stuck so l'm going to help him, okay?
l didn't see any neighbors.
What? You think Bosco would lie?
Why would Bosco lie? l'll go get him right now if you want.
Okay.
- Okay? - Yes.
Yes, l'd like to ask him about this hellhole.
l don't want to bring him in. He's big.
- You know, the floorboards. - How big?
- How big? - Yes.
Big. He's like a bear of a guy with, like, a little head.
l don't know what that means.
Look, l'm going to go help this guy
because Windsong would sure as hell help this guy. Okay?
l'm going to be back. Just go back to sleep, okay?
[grunting, gasping]
[phone rings inside]
- What's wrong? - lt's for you.
Don't hassle me about crumbs, man,
because l am on the edge of the edge.
Hello?
[Nick] Natalie stormed out of the bedroom.
We had a terrible fight. You got to come over here now.
I know you got your Army pal over there.
I didn't know you were in the Army. If I can come over...
No, l'll come there.
- Okay, good. Thanks. - No, no, no. l'll come over.
[Tim] l'll come there. Here l come.
l got to go across the street for a second.
That is incorrect. Follow me.
This was no picnic, let me tell you.
l had an '88 Ford flatbed
all lined up with a brand-new winch,
but l fried it during the hot-wire, goddamn it.
Good thing Monk passed out, or l'd never got this baby.
Whoa.
What in the shit is this? What is it?
lt's winches, hoists, pulleys, blocks and tackles. This kind of thing.
You know how l got the idea? You know those big things on Easter lsland?
- Easter lsland? - Huh?
Easter lsland?
With this device, l can place that horse on top of any object.
That truck's too high. You won't get the horse in there.
You're like a specially trained super agent. You know that?
Why do you think l called you? l was so pissed off.
l nearly climbed back into your house and smashed some plates.
Stand warned, okay, stand warned.
l have to go over there for a minute or you don't get your money.
- Do you want your money? - Yes.
Then put that horse on top of my van. There's rope and tarp in the garage.
- Put the horse on the van? - Put the horse on the van.
- Rope. - Yeah, and be quiet.
lt's simple, okay?
- All right? l'll be right back. - Yeah.
Hello, Mr. Tim.
You're looking very sprightly for the hour.
We go up the stairs, please. Right this way.
l've never been in this part.
They are practicing for the tournament.
[woman] Come on!
Yes!
Who's your nanny?!
Hey.
[Nick] Come.
Come here.
Right here, come on.
You're incredible, do you know that? You're an incredible friend.
[loud clanging]
- What the hell was that? - They're bowling next door.
Getting ready for your tournament. They're hitting strikes.
- She's been blaming me for Corky. - Who?
Natalie, she just kept blaming me for Corky and making me feel guilty.
Then she starts up with the shit thing.
How do l know where the shit goes?!
Then l tell her, ''l'm going to Rome tomorrow,'' and she freaks out!
She has a complete flip out! She flips out the room!
- Where'd she go? - l don't know.
- Some other wing. - [banging, clanking]
But, buddy... this ltaly thing is huge.
lt could seriously... lt could mean literally billions.
You know what l think this is? l think you just got to get some sleep.
You got to shut everything down. Get under the covers. Come on.
Get under the covers. Don't listen to anything.
- Sometimes you think you hear things... - You're a great friend.
Sleep and it's going to be different and don't wake up. Okay?
[J-Man] ~ Valderi
~ Valdera
~ Valderi
~ Valdera ha ha ha...
~ Valderi
Et cetera.
What about here? Right here?
You kidding? There's towns around.
You want somebody else finding my horse?
There'll be towns everywhere.
Hey, six months l drove a yogurt truck, okay?
This is my territory, Jack.
~ [man singing Valderi]
What do you got up there?
A sofa.
What kind of sofa?
Homemade.
- Oh, my God. What is this? - Troopers.
Oh, no.
The bridge is out.
Follow the detour along the river to the next bridge, all right?
Thank you very much.
- Have a good night. - Let's go.
He didn't notice the horse.
Smokey didn't even notice that we got a horse on the roof.
- l can't believe he didn't see it. - [J-Man] Dumb Smokey.
- [Tim] How about right here? - No, it's not good.
- What's wrong with here? - lt doesn't feel right.
l hope it's very soon.
l got to be back there. lt's going to be light out.
They're asleep and don't know you left. l'm doing you a favor doing this.
How about here? What's wrong with here?
l dig up the horse, l haul it up, l invent everything.
Why do we have to do what you want to do?
- Corky's new home. - This is not good for me.
Forget it. This is it, right here. Okay?
[J-Man] Bad vibe.
[Tim] Oh, no! He's gone!
Where'd he go?!
Did you hear anything? Like a thump?
Where did he go?
Shit!
- [Tim] Did you check the knots? - [J-Man] Knots? Who knows knots?
- Not you. - You know, l'm not Popeye.
How did we not hear? How do you not hear a horse fall off a car?
Maybe he's not dead. Maybe he ran away.
lt's raining so hard, the horse might have fallen off
and floated, who knows, into a ditch.
There's a river that runs along this road. He could be in it.
Corky could be heading for the open sea.
- [cracking] - [Debbie groans]
My God, honey. What time is it?
lt's okay. Go back to sleep.
Yeah?
Did you solve the problem?
- Yeah. - Yeah?
Actually...
l think l did.
[Tim] ~ Gonna be a bright Bright sunshiny day
Whoo!
~ Gonna be a bright Bright sunshiny day
[phone rings]
- [whistling] - [Debbie] Timmy! Telephone!
[melodic dog bark doorbell]
[melodic dog bark doorbell]
Good morning, Mr. Tim.
l must say...
you're looking fit as a fiddle this morning, Mr. Tim.
Thanks. l hear Mr. Nick wants to see me.
Yes, l know.
He's running in the woods.
l talked to the guys over at 3M. l know you got canned.
You've met Pete, right? My trainer.
Don't feel funny around Pete. l got no secrets from Pete.
- Do l, Pete? - l don't think so.
So here's the deal: Buddy boy...
that my little hearty hi-ho Silver routine
affected you like that, all l can say is, l am such a jerk.
But it's the best thing that ever happened,
because now l'll go kick ass in Rome. And guess what?
You, you unemployed bum, you'll come kick ass with me.
l want us to be partners.
l want us to be equal again, man.
Why not? l mean, for crying out loud, l've got a Pete.
Why shouldn't you have a Pete? Who wouldn't like having a Pete?
So this is the deal. From now on, you and me, 50l50.
- 50l50? - That's right. 50l50.
l'll talk to my lawyer. Why didn't l think of it sooner? lt's awesome!
Get the hell out of here, the limo leaves in an hour and a half!
Buddy boy! Let's go, buddy boy!
All right. Come on. Now, pump it up. l want full cardio blast now.
- Let's go. - Don't be shy.
There you go.
No, keep going! Keep it there!
Crampers.
- You all right? - Crampers.
l don't know, honey. Do you want to do this?
l mean, do we want to be part of the shit industry?
What about the heart of the heart of the heart of the heart?
l don't think this conflicts with that. l mean, you know, there's...
lt's a lot of money and the heart of the heart, and they're both...
Still have the heart with a lot of money.
- l think. You know. - You know what l think?
l think l know what we should do. We should just try it.
- Try it! - Yes.
- Try it. - Try it.
Try it.
- Try it. See how it feels. - Try it.
[both giggling]
Oh, my God, l can't believe it!
- Bye, Daddy. - We'll miss you.
- We miss you already. - l'll be home soon.
[continue shouting]
Good to see you, captain.
You know what l was thinking? We should target zoos.
Thank you, Denise. Zoos?
Yeah, zoos. l mean, come on, they're full of poop.
l popped on the lnternet just before we got on the plane.
Did you know that an elephant goes, like 1 00 pounds a day?
Times that by seven, that's 700 pounds of dung a week for one elephant.
There's got to be thousands of zoos in the world.
That is really very good. Zoos.
- l got another one for you. - [Nick] Yeah?
Travel industry. We get into the travel industry.
l'm talking about little travel-size Vapoorize.
You mean, like the cute little shampoo bottles?
- Exactly. - My God, that's so simple and awesome!
You're on a trip. You're walking through Venice.
You step in some dog doo. So, what do you do?
- You take out a travel-size Vapoorize. - That's it!
A little Velcro holster you put on your belt.
Right next to your cell phone, your pager, your Vapoorize.
You can walk the dog handsfree and not worry about the Vapoorize.
l love a holster.
- Accessorize with Vapoorize. - Hold on.
Hold on. Let me take it from here.
~ You're walkin' along
~ A-doodley doo
~ All of a sudden You stepped in poo!
~ You don't know what to do
- What do you do? - l don't know what to do.
[imitates drum]
~ Vapoorize, Vapoorize
- ~ Mountain-scented Vapoorize - ~ doogah-doogah-doogah Vapoorize
- What is the doogah? - l thought there would be drums.
- What is the doogah? - l thought there would be drums.
~ [Can't Help Myself plays in Italian]
[Nick] Come on. Look at this place.
Go check out your bedroom.
Whoo!
Wow.
[cheering]
[gasping]
[speaks ltalian]
[lambs bleating]
[Nick] Vapoorize.
[gasping]
[laughing]
[Vapoorize commercial in ltalian]
Shopping.
Gucci.
Here.
[Tim] This'll look great in the yard next to the bug tent.
Definitely. We'll take it. lt's great. Pay the man.
[Nick] lt makes the whole house. lt makes the yard. With the sound.
With the sound. lt's ridiculous, but that's what l love about it.
l like this.
...with the Dow off 1 1 and the NASDAQ up five and a half.
A rather sluggish day on Wall Street.
On the international front, investors are watching Vanderpark Enterprises.
CEO, Nicholas Vanderpark and newly appointed partner, Tim Dingman...
arrive in Italy to introduce to Europe
their complete line of fecal-removing product that's been so successful here.
The American entrepreneurs have reason to be hopeful.
They were greeted with great enthusiasm everywhere and fanfare.
Later, they'll be feted at a banquet to be held in the presidential palace.
[speaking in ltalian]
He says, ''l noticed when we climbed into the tub
''our three penises were quite similar in size and bulk.''
[continues in ltalian]
He say, ''And l thought to myself,
'''Good. Good.'''
Envy is a funny, funny thing.
[in ltalian]
He says, ''l remember when l was a teenager,
''my friend Armando and l spent the summer in New York.
''A sweet time of life.''
[in ltalian]
The minister, he says,
''l must tell you, my friend Armando had a hog like a freight train.''
[interpreter] What a hog.
[in ltalian]
He says, ''And l must tell you secretly,
''Armando's freight-train-sized manhood
''made me, with a regular-size one, quite miserable.''
''Not all the time miserable, of course, but sometimes.''
[all laughing]
- [phone rings] - [in ltalian]
[interpreter] This call has been transferred to you.
Thank you.
Hello?
Turbo Everyman, my ass.
[J-Man] Where do you get off at? I bought you drinks.
You vacation in my bungalow and now you go jump ship.
Screw Robin Hood, you hear me?
Screw the Merry Men. You're a stinko pinko.
Turncoat!
Here's what l do, Mr. Traitor.
Remember Lester? He pumped our gas when we moved the sofa.
Not a tooth in his head, nice fella.
- Remember him now? - l do. Yes.
Good. For $50,000 Lester keeps thinking it's a sofa.
And me and him don't spill the beans
to your hoity-toity pal across the street.
Let's be very clear on this: l want $50,000...
or l tell your friend you killed his horse.
Debbie? Deb, l'm home.
Sweetheart, l've been liposucked.
Can you tell? Can you? Does it look good?
Dr. Weitzman is supposed to be a genius and it didn't even really hurt.
And that is not all. Come. l am so excited.
Here's a little gift l bought for us.
[Debbie] A little 50l50 surprise.
- My big international partner. - Debbie.
- Let's do it on the laundry. - Where are the kids?!
At Mother's, honey. lt's just us.
Come lie on the warm pile. lt's all clean out of the dryer.
l will lie with you after l tell you something important.
l got drunk and by mistake killed Corky. l buried him in the swimming pool hole.
The pool guy, he's actually some bum l met at a bar.
[Natalie] Nick? Where does it go?
- [Nick] What? - [Natalie] The shit.
- Where does the shit go? - [Nick] Up.
Up is not good enough. You'll have to do better than up.
- [Nick] Up... and out. - [Natalie] Out where?!
[Nick] Up and out. Out. Up and out.
- [Natalie] Up and out? - [Nick] Up and out.
The bum wants $50,000 or he'll tell Nick.
- Then we won't get a chance to be rich. - [timer buzzes]
[teary] Oh, my God.
Yes!
Go and pay the bum.
- Go pay the bum now. - Go pay the bum?!
- Honey, l love you. - l love you too.
- Bye. - Oh!
What?
You don't know this guy. He's not like other people, he's...
What if we pay him and then he wants more?
Then we will give him more.
What if he wants more again?!
We'll give him more money because we'll have enough money to give him.
But it'll never end with him. He'll be in our lives forever.
Tim, if he tells Nick, it'll all be over.
You know, what else can we do?
We fess up.
- Fess up? - Yeah.
Yeah. No, no, no. We fess up. We fess up. We tell Nick.
We go and ask for forgiveness.
- Forgiveness? - Yes.
- Honey, you killed his horse! - l'm telling him everything.
No, sweetheart! Please. Please don't do it to me.
l love my car in the garage. lt's got heated seats.
And l've got shoes. l've got bags.
- [Nick] Knock, knock. - Clothes.
Oh, my God, l'm sorry.
Look at you two.
God, l'm so envious of you! You've got to give Natalie a talk.
She's locked herself in the bathroom and l want what you have so bad!
- l want some of that! - Okay.
[whispering] Shh! Don't say a word. Not a word. Not a word. Okay?
[Natalie] Everywhere l go, they yell, ''Where does the shit go?''
And we don't know! What if my opponent's right?
- What if we are polluting? - [Debbie] Natalie...
the only thing this guy Shaunessey's got going for him is your own guilt.
Guilt that you're wealthy.
You know what, we're partners now and we have money too.
You know what we'll do with ours?
We're going to sponsor the biggest rally for you that this town has ever seen.
[Debbie] Then we'll throw out this challenge:
We'll say that if anyone can say that Vapoorize does damage to anything,
then Natalie Vanderpark will cease to be a candidate.
May l suggest we put on our dancing shoes?
[Debbie squeals]
[Nick] Honey! l love you.
[J-Man] So how was the flight? Was it enjoyable?
Yeah, it was fine. lt was very smooth. Everything went fine.
Here's what l got to tell you. We'll pay you the money, okay?
We got it all worked out.
That is sensational news, my little gypsy roving friend.
But l've revised my thinking about the $50,000 grand thing.
l can't accept that. l mean, what are we, animals?
- What? No, we're not animals. - No, of course not.
What we are is pals. You slept in my bunk.
l ate some of your crackers. We sang in the rain.
~ Valderi
~ Valdera
~ Valderi
~ Valdera ha ha ha...
Okay.
~ My knapsack on my back
- Yes, l remember. - That's when we were buddies.
Last week? Yeah. l remember.
So, what l'm saying is to hell with the flat cash payout.
l say let's be partners.
- Partners? - Why not?
- What do you mean ''partners''? - You, me...
your other so-called friend in a cozy little triumvirate.
Am l using the word correctly?
Listen to me. We're not partners, okay? How can we be partners?
We'll iron out the details when l come over later.
- No. - This evening. Who knows exactly when.
- You're not coming over here. - Yes.
And don't you worry, buddy partner. l'll smooth out the rough parts.
- You want to talk? Where are you? - I'm coming over.
- You're not coming over. - Don't you worry, buddy roll.
We'll put pen to paper. Bye-bye.
- Listen to me. - Bye-bye.
There are no rough parts to smooth... What? Hello?
[dial tone]
Oh, God.
All right. l got to tell Nick. l'm just going to tell him.
~ [uptempo salsa music]
[Nick and Natalie whooping]
Come on, honey. Start with your hips.
[Natalie] Come on.
[Nick] Whoo!
[nanny] Mr. Vanderpark! Mr. Vanderpark!
[nanny] Mr. Vanderpark! Mr. Vanderpark!
- The merry-go-round is acting up again. - [Nellie crying]
[music halts]
l hate that thing. l hate it.
Timmy, l'm sorry, we got to deal with it.
~ [sped-up music]
[Tim] Nick, l gotta talk to you. l did something really stupid.
You won't believe what happened. The stupidest, most ridiculous thing.
That wife of yours was incredible.
But l don't care how much money we make, don't buy one of these.
lt's junk. lt just keeps speeding up for no reason.
- Nick, l got to talk to you. - And the onloff button's in the middle!
- [Tim] l did a horrible thing. - [Nick] The thing's in the middle.
- Here goes. All right, come on. - Nick!
[yelling]
- [Nick yells] - Nick!
[moaning]
[terrified cries]
- Hang on! - l can't hold on much longer!
[screaming]
- [thudding] - [gasping]
- Nick, are you okay? - Ribs.
[grimacing] Yeah. No, l'm fine.
Goddamned...
Bastard, bitch merry-go-round. Stupid merry-go-round!
- l got to talk to you. - Stupid, crappy, stupid thing.
l've been feeling guilty for a long time.
- lt's impossible to turn it off. - l did something really stupid.
- l hate you, merry-go-round. - Where's the switch?
lt's in the middle of the thing. lt's impossible to turn off.
- Where's the button? - ln the middle.
l'll turn it off, then we'll talk.
l'll get it.
[screaming]
- Whoa! - [screaming] Ow!
Oh! Oh! Timmy.
Man, are you all right? Let me help you up there.
Come on, buddy. Come on, buddy. Come on, buddy. All right.
- You okay? Yeah? - Yeah.
lt knocked the wind out of you. You went flying off of that thing.
Now, listen. l don't want to let this ruin our jolly feeling.
Let's go back in there and talk about this fantastic rally.
- No, Nick. You see this bow and arrow? - Yeah.
- [Tim] One night... - Yeah?
One night...
l'm so ashamed of this. But one night...
- [explosion] - [screaming]
- Oh, my God! - Oh, man!
- l told you it was a piece of junk! - l'm glad we weren't on it.
- What? - l'm glad we weren't on it.
- l can't hear. Are your ears ringing? - No.
Boy, mine are. What was it you were saying, my fine friend?
What l was saying is that one night l got drunk. All right?
Being drunk had nothing to do with it. l can't even explain it.
Wait, you know what? l'm thinking it's just one ear.
l hear you way better when l turn like this. Talk to me.
That night l got drunk and l was aiming this arrow at my house.
No, it's both ears. What are you doing?
l'm trying to tell you.
l pulled it back, l aimed at the house, l did this.
[Natalie] Nick, Nathan and Nellie want you to kiss their boo-boos.
Wait, l heard that. l'm coming!
That was not a smart thing to do.
- l know! - Come on.
No, Nick! l got to tell...
[groaning in distance]
Oh, shit!
- [Debbie] Timmy, honey! - What?!
Where are you?
Timmy. Honey, l got it. Definitely in the hips.
Timmy, where have you been?
- l killed the bum. - What?
The bum. l shot an arrow.
lt went up, it went down. lt's in the bum. l killed him.
Come. Come.
- Did you work out a deal with him? - No! He's dead.
lt's in his back. The arrow. l shot him. l killed him.
l killed a person!
What? ls this a joke? l don't get your jokes sometimes.
And l'll tell you something: l don't think it's always me.
- Hurry up! Come on! - Honey!
- Hurry. Get in the house. - Let it go. Stop! What are you doing?
Wait! He could be in the house.
- There's nobody there! God. - Car! He's wounded! He's crazy!
- Honey, this is really insane. - Get in! Get in!
[heavy breathing, moaning]
Excuse me.
This'll take half a second. Could you tell me...
what's sticking in my back, please?
- Arrow. - Fricking nitwit.
Look, l'm being stalked by a genuine madman, okay?
l'm talking about a black force here.
l hate spoiling the atmosphere,
but would you mind tugging the arrow out?
l want you to stop the car. Honey, stop the car right now!
- Look. The guy's crazy. - There is no dead man!
He's a loose cannon.
- Excuse me. - [all screaming]
Oh, my God, there is a bum with an arrow.
He looks afraid of us.
You ever hear of ''reach for the sky''?
You just shoot a guy in the back with no warning.
That's right.
That's correct. That's right. That's what l do.
Well, then, good God almighty,
we have entered, indeed, into a dark day.
You got to talk to him. We were pals.
Who shoots a pal in the back with a bow and arrow?
- Over a couple of bucks. - Me.
l'm an archer and l shoot arrows.
And l got more back where they came from. My quiver.
Listen to me. l just wanted what you wanted.
A little taste of the good life.
A little taste of honey. ls that so bad? ls it?
But you win.
Man, l fold. l can see it: Greed has hardened your heart.
And money's poisoned your soul.
l'm out of here.
There's nothing as dangerous as large quantities of money.
That's why l've always remained an independent contractor, an odd job man.
l want no part of this.
l stand before you, begging: Take the arrow out of my back.
You will never see me again.
Help me, God! Come on.
- [J-Man sobs] - Honey...
take the arrow out of his back.
[J-Man whimpering]
- [J-Man grimaces] - [wincing]
Thank you.
- [panting] Thank you. - Souvenir.
~ [Envy reprise]
- Hey! - Hey.
l couldn't sleep. l got to talk to you.
Yeah, l got to talk to you too.
You know, this big rally tomorrow, l'm a wreck about it.
l got to give a big speech. l'm not a speech guy.
Are you kidding? Come on, those infomercials you did.
You're great in front of people.
Really? You thought l was good? You never said a word about it.
Because it was just another thing of yours that made me miserable.
What?
This is what l have to talk to you about. Sit down.
l killed Corky.
You...
[softly] When?
Now, please, just don't say anything till l'm done, all right?
The day that you gave me the wine, remember?
l got drunk on the wine.
l actually was drunk from before. l went into your yard and...
So that's it. There you have it.
Well, you know, it sounds like it was an accident.
- Why didn't you tell me? - l should've told you.
That's the thing. But l don't know what happened.
l felt guilty or something.
And l was just so wrapped up in the envy that l felt for everything you had.
lt's true what they say.
lt's like a little green monster that comes out and it just poisoned my head.
And, by the way, you did nothing wrong.
You followed your dream. You did what you wanted to do.
l was always saying, ''Don't do it.'' You did it and it worked.
Look, you built a house, right? That's all you did. You built a house.
l mean, it's a big house. l mean, it's a really big house.
lt's a large house. lt's a... l mean, it's...
lt's gigantic, Nick. lt's the White House.
You built the White House here, and we're in the shadow of it.
Literally, every day at 4:00, we're in its shadow.
That's not your fault. You wanted to be friends still,
you didn't want to move and l love that.
lt was coming from such a good place, but it was...
lt really got to me because every day l'd have to look at you,
and see you with all of this stuff.
You know, buy the yellow Lamborghini that goes 500 miles an hour.
Have a bowling alley next to your room. lf l could do it, l would.
Everybody should have a merry-go-round. Of course you should.
Jealousy, every day. And it was just chewing me up.
Your kid's playing the concert piano, my kid's banging trash cans.
And that has nothing to do with money.
That's just his musical ability. That's a whole other thing.
You just gave to us. You gave and you gave and you're so generous.
And what am l going to give you?
l gave you tube socks for Christmas last year. That's not going to work.
- l like the socks. - You gave us so much.
The coffee machine. lt's a beautiful, giant rocketship-sized coffee machine.
Debbie loved the coffee. l'll tell you something, l never tasted it.
l wanted to tell you that.
l can't even tell you l haven't tried the coffee.
Like l'll feel better if l don't drink your coffee.
And you gave our kids flan. All of a sudden my son's going,
''Daddy, where's the flan?''
lt felt like a dagger in my heart every time he'd request flan.
lt made me feel little.
l felt like a little man who didn't like flan.
The horse was great, Nick. Of course you should have a horse.
Does it have to be a white horse that you come galloping up on,
and it neighs and makes the whole thing?
Of course. Make it a beautiful horse that l think, honestly, didn't like me.
lt had nothing to do with anything, l never clicked with it.
l think the horse sensed something. l think ''horse sense'' is a real thing.
Because the horse had a feeling. He came over and sensed the envy l felt.
He'd come over and eat the apples. He'd see me and give me a weird look.
l'm telling you. You know how sometimes the side of a face and you get one eye?
He would keep the eye on me and l knew he was thinking something.
That's unrelated to what happened with the arrow. That was an accident.
l swear to God. l swear to God. l couldn't do it if l tried.
l'm sorry about this. l feel horrible. l feel bad.
l feel like l have this fountain in my yard that l don't deserve.
l don't deserve to be your partner.
l don't deserve to be your friend. l just...
Well, you know what, Tim? You made a mistake.
You're human. Everyone makes mistakes.
So what, man? You're still my best friend.
- Really? - Of course.
Of course. Come on, man.
lt was a big mistake.
lt was a big mistake. lt was a doozy.
[whispering] Corky.
- l'm sorry, Nick. - No, no. lt's okay.
l know how much you loved him and l...
[sighing deeply] l did love Corky.
l never liked Corky.
l mean, he's beautiful on the outside. lt's just something wasn't...
We're still partners.
There is no way you are getting out of this partnership.
- Okay. - Okay?
And l will see you tomorrow at the big rally.
[sighing]
- Yeah. - Good.
[Nick] Big day.
Big day.
Poor Corky. One little target arrow.
You wouldn't think that could kill a great big horse.
That's exactly what l thought.
lt's one little arrow and when l shot the bum...
he hardly seemed to notice.
You know, that fountain looked a lot better in Rome.
- Yeah. - Well...
C'est la vie, as the Romans say.
[Natalie] On this beautiful, clear day,
l think it is appropriate that we clear the air
of the toxic distortions that my husband and, by association, myself,
are somehow poisoning our environment in our efforts to purify it.
lt's not true. No es verdad.
[Natalie] Ladies and gentlemen...
please help me welcome Nick Vanderpark and Tim Dingman.
[cheering, applause]
[shouts of protest]
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, young people.
l stand here with my partner, Tim Dingman...
[light applause]
That's right.
...grateful for this opportunity to address the central question
posed in so many colorful and eloquent variations.
[Nick] Where is the shit?!
[applause]
[Natalie] My God. Nick. Nick!
Corky?
[woman] Mr. and Mrs. Vanderpark, sorry we had to perform an autopsy,
but when any large dead animal comes in proximity with the public
it must be examined immediately for health reasons.
l'm a little curious. Did you feed your horse a lot of apples?
Our neighbors have an apple tree. Corky loved their apples.
- Did he ever defecate in their yard? - l imagine.
Can you tell me what you did when the horse defecated in your yard?
We used Vapoorize because Nick invented it.
We get crates of it for free.
Well...
lt's all making sense.
The horse was poisoned.
We did find a broken shaft of a small target arrow in the sternum,
but that played no part in the horse's death.
The horse died from the prolonged ingesting of a certain chemical,
which by itself is harmless, but when combined with certain fecal bacteria
becomes a lethal poison.
A little person?
Lethal poison.
That chemical is the ingredient in every can of your so-called miracle invention.
He had enough of it literally to kill a horse.
l am obligated, of course, to report this to the EPA.
EPA?
Mmm-hmm.
Environmental Protection Agency?
Do you have to do that? Right. You have to.
[sobbing]
- lt's all right. - Every time without exception?
[auctioneer] The next item, an extra large bed that sleeps nine comfortably,
for, let's say, $1 00.
XL bed, sleeping nine. Got to love it for $1 00.
$ 72 for this white statue of a man on a horse with a spray can.
$ 72, anyone? No?
Anybody need a portable phone? Everyone needs one.
You want one in your kitchen, in your extra bedroom.
You got a portable phone right there. lt's going to go for $5.
The next thing is item 31 .
l like this bug net. Why don't we find out the estimated cost?
Oh, we've got two cases of a semi-gourmet flan.
l believe that's some sort of custard dish or something.
The semi-gourmet flan is going to start the bidding at $4.
- Nick? - Yeah.
l think l have an idea.
- Yeah? - Yeah. Like a really big idea.
Really?
When you got your idea, did you feel it immediately?
Oh, yeah. Right away.
You got one of those? Like one of my ideas?
- l think so. - What is it?
Yes!
Hey. Hey! Stop the auction!
You just cannot eat flan and drive at the same time.
Look, l've got flan all over me.
Can't somebody come up with a better idea?!
- [Tim] We have. - [applause]
That's right!
Be one of the millions enjoying the taste sensation sweeping the nation.
Nick's talking about Pocket Flan!
[Nick] Pocket Flan!
- No spoon, no mess! - That's right.
Three simple steps, folks.
- Just flip it! - Flip it!
- Squeeze it! - Squeeze it!
Mmm.
- And enjoy. - Enjoy!
Wait a second, Tim. What was that name again?
Pocket Flan!
lsn't that just fantastic?
No, Nick, it's not fantastic. lt's flan-tastic.
[audience laughs]
Yeah, but, Tim, Nick, l have a question.
How about us who are lactose-intolerant?
We've got a new soy-based Pocket Flan.
~ [Envy reprise]
lt's flan in a tube.
lt's a little bit of happiness in a tube.
Let's say l'm jogging.
l'm getting tired, l need a pick-me-up. What am l going to do, get a candy bar?
lmagine if you're jogging with some of this stuff.
What's going on? lt's not going to work.
Here's the other thing. You're eating your flan, you're like:
''That's good.
''l want to get down there where it's brown and super-sugary.''
Where do you...? l can't... ln here we've mixed it up.
You've got all that. lt's pre-mixed.
The brown is always part of it. Even if you don't see it.
ln the Tour de France, they're going 20 miles a day, going up mountains.
What do you think they pull out of their Spandex bikini bottom
to squeeze into their mouth when they want to eat?
- Pocket Flan! - And here's another question.
What if l'm doing some skydiving and l'm like:
''l got to get some... l'm going to get some cornflakes.
''l don't have time for cornflakes. l do have time for flan.''
[Tim] That's right. l'd love to see this...
This has been vacuum-tested
to a depth of 200 feet if you're scuba diving.
Just the other day l see this kid walking down the street.
- He has the Pocket Flan. Right? - Right.
He squeezes it... he's on a skateboard. He squeezes it...
lt arcs up. He goes like... and...
That's like a new skateboard trick.
Who here likes to drive? You guys like to drive? Yeah.
Who here likes to drive race cars? Anybody? All right.
l'm Captain Speedway,
and nothing tastes better at 200 miles per hour than Pocket Flan.
Firemen. ''l got to go save someone. Maybe l need a little extra something.''
''Where am l gonna put my hose? l can't hold the hose and this thing.
- [Nick laughing] - ''Where's the hose go?
''l put a hose under my arm and then l fight the fire.''
This is on a serious note.
Recently we received a letter from a woman, Gladys, who...
well, Pocket Flan saved her life.
- All right. - [applause]
She was a backpacker. She was stuck out in the woods...
and, by God, Pocket Flan...
[laughing] l can't think of it.
l wanted to say some tearful thing, but l couldn't think of a thing.
[audience clapping]
E=mc2
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