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Evening With Kevin Smith An CD2

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My name's Hubert Vought, but everyone knows me as Bucky.
- Bucky! - Yeah.
You don't have to ask a single fucking question now.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Bucky.
Rock the mike, Bucky.
I just...
- What was your real name? - Hubert.
Bucky!
I think movies, in the past few years, the quality has gone downhill.
- Because of me? - No, no. Your shit's good.
Is that what you're getting at? I've feared that myself.
What do you think, and what do you do to make sure you make a quality flick?
As soon as I got into the game, everything went to hell.
There was a guy that made a movie called George Washington.
Did anyone see it?
So that's about nine?
In the paper the dude said... Somebody was saying, like:
"There were filmmakers who came before you, like Kevin Smith...
...that helped pave the way."
And he went off on a tear.
And he was just like, "Look, that dude lowered the bar.
He didn't really make it easier for us to get in.
He just turned filmmaking into a kind of Special Olympics."
Which I couldn't be too mad at because it was a funny line.
It's like, I'm leading the way of the handicapable, you know?
So that dude insisted that I lowered the bar.
I gave that a good think or two, when I first read that comment.
I was like, "Did I lower the bar?
Did I get in and really fuck it up? Did it all go south with me?"
And then I thought, "No."
Because, come on, nobody's really seen the movies I've done.
Because, come on, nobody's really seen the movies I've done.
Hi. My name's Tim Ruend.
And aesthetically speaking, all your films...
There's been some criticism as to camera movement and...
Are we talking about the movies?
I thought you were like, "Aesthetically speaking...
...you've gotta lose some fucking weight."
But I know you worked with Robert Yeoman on Dogma, I think it was.
And I was just wondering if there was any future plans...
...to maybe have a different look to your films?
Not essentially. I don't think I have a look, per se.
The look is dictated by what the movie's about.
But I don't really have a style, per se.
The first thing I read about our work in the legitimate press...
...was in The Village Voice. Amy Taubin wrote this mini-review of Clerks...
...when it played at the 1993 Independent Feature Film Market.
And she said, "His style is that he has no style."
And I said, "Yeah." So I just adopted that.
And I figured, that's my style. I just don't have a style.
People look at a Tim Burton movie, they're like, "That's Tim."
Look at a movie with no credits, you'll find out if it's the Coen brothers.
Martin Scorsese, same thing. But mine, not at all.
You can close your eyes and listen, and then you'd be like:
"It's that guy's movies, because somebody said 'fucking cock smoker."'
I've never been that big into the visual aspect of it.
I get tagged for it a lot because I bring it up a lot.
I believe in the philosophy of:
Say something negative about yourself before somebody else has the chance.
If I'm like, "My movies look like shit."
Then there are people who are like, "Well, he knows."
Because I do that a lot, people just go into every movie...
When Hollywood Reporter reviewed Jay and Bob Strike Back...
...Kirk Honeycutt said, "It's a Kevin Smith movie, so it doesn't look good."
That was unfair. It looked wonderful compared to everything else we did.
But, I don't know. I just don't feel the need to develop a visual style.
- Thanks. - Thanks.
I'm just lazy, dude. Takes too much work.
How much leeway do you give actors?
Like, you write a line for Jay and he starts rambling.
Do you cut him or say, "Let him go," and see how it came out?
- I mean, all the actors you deal with. - Is it like that?
- Where I ramble and ramble? No. - Mike.
There's no rambling. Usually we go over it beforehand.
I'll say a few things, he'll be like, "Fuck that, no! Stick to that."
I'll be like, "Can I smoke?" He'll be like, "No."
I'm always trying to smoke in the scene, just so I can smoke.
But, no, it's not like that.
- How is it? - It's like I said.
- We go... - You stay to the script?
I add some stuff, but I do it before we start shooting.
And sometimes I'll throw, like, one word in or something...
"I add some shit. Every once in a while I put in a word."
A word or two. But no, I pretty much stick to the script.
He wants me to stick to the script, this fuck.
I'm fairly dictatorial with him and with the other guys as well.
Him, though, I tend to be even more guarded with.
Because there's a line, a very thin line that that character has to walk.
Because he could be potentially very offensive...
...but for some reason winds up being very sweet.
My theory about that has always been because, like Jason himself...
...the character has no moral barometer.
Like, doesn't say things to hurt people or to be mean.
Just says them because he has no fucking clue, good or bad.
But he came up with a bit of business in the last movie.
With every movie, Mewes has grown better.
Like, in the first movie, I wrote the script.
I wrote it to his intonations, his inflections, his catch phrases...
...and handed it to him and said, "Read it." I said, "What do you think?"
He's like, "I don't know if I can do this."
I was like, "This is fucking you!"
And so we spent a month teaching Jay how to be Jay.
Like, "Snoogans." He's like, "Why would I say that?"
I'm like, "Why do you say that?"
But with each movie it got better. Like, in the first movie...
...there's a scene where we dance outside the convenience store.
We're shooting, it's 3 in the morning, in the middle of Leonardo...
...fucking dead, there's four people on the crew:
Me, Scott Mosier, Dave Klein, the DP...
...and I think Ed was still there. Ed was still there at that point.
We're about to do this sequence where we dance in front of the store.
Mewes says, "I can't do it." I said, "Why?"
And he's like, "It's just all these people."
This is the kind of dude who, if you know him for five minutes...
...he'll take his cock out.
The kind of dude you're driving with...
...and you hear him go, "It's chilly in here, isn't it?"
You look over at him and he's got his cock hanging out...
...and he's leaning back, looking at you.
He's like a baby. When a baby discovers their genitalia, they're just:
But here he was, not dancing.
"What are we supposed to do?" He's like, "Get them out of here."
So Mosier, Ed and Dave went inside the convenience store.
Dave turned on the camera and walked away. And he was like, "Go, I guess."
Then we did our thing. As we progressed, like on Mallrats...
...we had a bigger crew, shooting in an operational mall. Time, money, people.
And we're like, "We can't throw 50 people off the set...
...because you feel shy to knock on the glass with the kitties.
Just do it. Just fucking dance." And he got over it and stuff like that.
I don't know where the fuck I was going with this.
You were saying how I progressed.
- You were talking about each film. - Okay, I know where I'm going with it.
- I guess. - Thanks.
So on Chasing Amy the dude only worked for one day.
I said to the crew, the day we were gonna shoot our scene.
I collected them all together, all the keys. I'm like:
"Tonight we shoot with Jason Mewes. Could be the longest night of our lives.
We haven't had much time to rehearse.
We may have to shoot a line, turn the camera off, rehearse...
...shoot that line, and do that all night long.
So bear with me. Bear with him, especially. Have patience."
So we go to shoot the scene.
Mewes whips through all his dialogue like a pro...
...with the tiny bit of rehearsal we did.
And then it comes to me and I'm like, "You're chasing...
Fuck. Cut. What's the line?"
And Mosier's like, "Amy."
I was like, "Right. Go again." "You're chasing Amy."
"What?" "You're chasing Amy."
"Fuck, cut!" You know? Couldn't remember anything.
Went on for 11 takes trying to spit out that stupid speech.
- I think it was 12. - Twelve takes.
Don't make me look like a fool, boy.
Twelve takes. Making lines up as I go.
And Affleck's going out of his fucking mind...
...because Affleck is a dude that loves to ad-lib. Just loves to tack on shit.
Like when...
He'll do his dialogue and then put on a little P.S. to every line.
In Chasing Amy, they're sitting on the swings and she's explaining fisting.
And he reacts. And then she says, "It's reserved for special occasions."
And he says, "Well, what about not-so-special occasions?"
We're shooting. He goes, "What about not-so-special occasions?
What, do you just hit her in the fucking head with a bat?"
And I'm like, "Fucking cut. What are you doing?
We're trying to tell a love story."
He's like, "Oh, yeah, a love story with fisting in it."
I said, "But still, what are you doing?"
He's like, "It's a funny line. Leave it in. My peeps will love it."
This is '96, he had no peeps.
He's like, "Leave that line in. People will love it."
I said, "Dude, I'm not going to leave your shit in.
If you want to make up lines, go write your own fucking script."
And he did that and he won an Oscar. So...
So Affleck's sitting there as I make up lines he knows are not in the script.
And he's like, "What happened to no ad-libbing?"
I'm like, "I'm the writer. When I'm ad-libbing, it's like another draft."
Dogma, though, we kept impressing on this cat, "You've gotta be topnotch.
You are the strong back that's got to carry the movie.
You've gotta be funny and on cue all the time.
You gotta know your lines. You can't be shy...
...because we got real actors in the movie this time."
And he's like, "Not like Affleck?" And I was like, "Not like Affleck."
He's like, "Who?" I'm like, "We got Alan Rickman."
He's like, "Who the fuck's that?"
I said, "Alan Rickman. You know, from Die Hard, yippee-kai-yay?"
He's like, "Bruce Willis?" I said, "No."
"The other guy. Alan Rickman, he's the villain."
He's like, "All right. So what?"
And I'm like, "Alan Rickman is a British actor.
And British actors fucking invented acting.
They will chew the scenery around you.
He won't put up for 'snoochie boochies' and shit like that.
He needs you to be on and fucking topnotch.
He's worked with the best. You can't let a dude like this down."
As with all the other films, I rehearse with all the actors separately...
...and Mewes I start with by himself and then work him into the group.
So I sit down with Mewes to start rehearsing. And he comes in, no script.
I'm like, "Where's your script?" He said, "I don't need it."
I said, "What?" He's like, "Just try me."
So I start reading the lines that aren't Mewes'...
...and Mewes starts doing his lines without a script.
I was like, "That's pretty good." We keep going, and he knows everything.
I'm like, "Did you memorize all your lines?"
He's like, "Everybody else's too."
And I said, "Bullshit!" He said, "Try me."
So I read Mewes' lines and he reads everybody else's lines.
Without a fucking script.
And I'm like, "What the fuck, what are you, Rain Man?"
Hey.
I said, "What the fuck happened, dude? Why did you suddenly become a genius?"
And he said, "I don't want to piss off that Rickman dude."
By the time we got to Jay and Bob, he was at the top of his game.
And not just taking direction, but actually giving direction back to me.
And we were rehearsing for the lightsaber batt... Blunt-saber battle...
...we can't call it "lightsaber," Lucasfilm will sue...
...blunt-saber battle, and he's got the double-sided bong-saber.
It's so embarrassing.
He comes back into this. And he's like, "All right. So when I..."
He's going, "Moves?" And I said, "Yeah?" 'cause he calls me "Moves."
He said, "What if I turn it off, then I hit it and I blow the smoke out...
...and I turn on and go at it again?"
And I looked at him like, "That's fucking brilliant!"
I ask the digital guy, Joe Grossberg, "Can we do that?"
He's like, "We can do anything." I said, "Let's do it."
It was satisfying to watch the movie and that moment happens...
...and the audience goes nuts.
I was like, "Holy shit! The dude's quite an idiot savant."
I was wondering where you got "snooch to the nooch."
And the other one, from like...
"Snoochie boochies."
Where'd they come from? What do they mean?
Because you put them in all of your movies.
Dude, you are the most timid question asker I've ever met.
You're like, "I just want to ask... Snoochie boochies... "
Come on, with authority, dude. Get in there. Own the mike.
Grab it like a fucking cock and own it, dude!
Go ahead. Ask again. Just bring the thunder.
Where did you get "snoochie boochies" and "snooch to the nooch"?
You sound like Kermit.
That's adorable. Grab the mike and say, "It's not easy being green."
- It's not easy being green. - I hear you.
Why are there so many songs about rainbows?
That was good.
See now, bolstered by that applause you should be like, "I own the room!
Fuck the fat guy and him! Just... It's me!"
When this gentleman was younger, circa 14, 15, still in high school...
...he used to run around...
- Pardon? - Jason graduated?
Barely.
He used to say things like, "I'm gonna fuck your mother. Neh."
And the urgent, panicky "neh" meant, "I'm kidding. Don't kick my ass."
So "neh" one day became, "I'm gonna fuck your mother, nooch."
And then it went, "I'm gonna fuck your mother, snooch."
And then, "I'm gonna fuck your mother, snoochie boochies."
"I'm gonna fuck your mother, snooch to the nooch."
And then, "I'm gonna fuck your mother, snikadikadikadointch."
- That's right? - That's great, yeah.
And then eventually it went down to "snoogins."
Which, I guess, covered all the bases.
But it was essentially, "I'm kidding."
And it was weird to watch language grow like that.
You know, from "neh" all the way to "snoogins."
That's the story.
What it means, I guess, is, "Don't kick my ass."
- Yeah. Just kidding. - Just kidding.
Just kidding.
- Thank you guys very much. - You're an excellent speaker.
Neh.
How many times are you guys gonna come to Wyoming?
We might as well fucking get it on.
Are you...? Are you Matthew McConaughey?
No.
Is there...? So is the question, "Are we gonna get it on?"
And by "get it on," do you mean "smoke," or "suck cock"?
Not "Are we gonna get it on?" Are we gonna fucking get it on or...?
Look, I am willing to get it on...
Whoa! Whoa!
- But not... - Whoa! I think you misread me.
Maybe you misread me.
I was talking about you sucking my dick.
Get your drunk ass down!
All right. Later.
Was there a question in there somewhere?
All right, here's your chance. That's a tough act to follow.
I totally fucking forgot what I was going to say.
- Say again? - I forgot.
After the show, are you guys going to be puffing the chronics...
...or sitting on your asses? - That's what he fucking asked!
Well, you know, Jay makes himself out...
...to be such a chronic smoking motherfucker, what's up?
I couldn't hear.
If this dude is shaking his head at you...
Every question is like, "You gonna smoke pot tonight?"
It's the second time I got the question.
How do I get one of them cards, you know?
From the show, you know? The union card, you know?
Dude, that was a movie.
- The hair is short. I wear glasses. - I still want the fucking card, okay?
All right. We'll work on that.
All right. We'll work on that.
Security.
- Go ahead. - Okay.
I got a yes or no question. Can you answer that?
- Lf you promise, I'll ask the question. - Yeah.
All right. Did you or did you not walk off with this tray?
No.
For the rest who can't see, this is one of the recent issues of High Times.
Kevin Smith was on the cover.
Yes.
I didn't walk away with it, but I will tell you something interesting.
That is fucking real.
They're like, "Would Kevin mind doing the cover of High Times?"
I'm like, "Shit, no, I'm a press whore."
But they kept asking if I would mind.
I was like, "No, why would I care? Of course not, no."
And then they show up with enough fucking weed...
...to get me, them and everyone in my family put in jail...
...forever. Like, this was a Midnight Express amount of weed.
It was fucking huge. And I thought it was fake.
I was just like, "There's no way anyone carries this much weed around.
Unless they're, like, Mewes."
I'm really dumb when it comes to shit like that.
I'm not one of those people that's like, "I smell weed."
I don't know the fucking smell. I could count on...
...all your hands the amount of times I've gotten high.
But I'm sitting there posing. It's hot, I'm wearing a jacket and we're outside.
And I'm holding this big fucking plate of weed.
And I'm like, "This shit looks so real."
And he's like, "Yeah."
And I was like, "What do you guys use?"
And he's like, "What are you talking about?"
I was like, "This is weed?"
He's like, "We're High Times. "
And I was like, "Get the fuck out of here! This is real?
You have me holding real weed in the middle of suburbia? This much?
This isn't, like, personal use or a little bit to get high with.
This is, like, intent to fucking sell to China."
Like, "This is a lot." And they're like, "Well, we cleared it.
We wanted to make sure you were cool with it."
I was, "I didn't know it was gonna be real. Can I have some?"
They gave us this much weed to keep. Out of that whole plate.
But did you, in fact, sell it to China?
No.
Fuck China!
I sold that to Mewes, though.
I was like, "This is excellent shit. Four, five... Eight, $900."
He's like, "All right."
No, but they gave us this big thing of weed.
Which we were kind of terrified to have...
...because that, too, was enough to get you in trouble.
So we were like, "We better smoke it quick."
My name is Bethany, just like the last scion in Dogma...
...which is my favorite movie you guys have done.
Also, my boyfriend is you guys's biggest fan.
And if you guys come to the Library after the show...
...he will buy you drinks, I swear to God. And then I have two...
- Let's just go back a second. - Okay.
His name is Travis and he's sitting in the fourth row.
I swear to God, if you come to the Library...
But did you say, "He is you guys's biggest fan"?
- He is your biggest fan, I swear! - Do you go to school here?
He can...
- Travis, stand up, babe! - Are you a student here?
- Stand up! There he is. - Hi, hi. Sit down, sit down.
- He can honestly... - Do you go...? Stop fucking talking!
I'm sorry!
- Do you go to school here? - Yes, I do.
And you're majoring in anything but English or communications.
I'm in architectural engineering, actually.
- Really? - Yeah.
- So no need for good grammar. - None whatsoever.
So the boyfriend's a big fan...
And he will buy you guys drinks if you meet us after the show.
- Okay. - The Library Bar and Grill.
Absolutely. I'll be wearing a sleeveless hooded sweatshirt...
...and he'll be wearing a wife-beater.
We'll be the ones going like:
"Where is that guy who is us guys's biggest fan?"
I know for sure he can recite almost every movie you guys have ever done.
- Is that true? - That's true.
Is she embarrassing the fuck out of you, or what?
He's like, "I told you not to ask a fucking question!
Don't talk to me."
I heard through the grapevine...
...Jason got busted for heroin possession on Monday. Is that true?
- On Monday? - On Monday?
- No. - No.
Anytime this week?
- I don't think I'd be here. - Well, that's what I thought, but...
I ain't touching this one.
No. It's not true.
Okay. That's very relieving to us.
Lots of... Lots of rumors about me getting caught with heroin last week.
Then there was, like, four months ago.
I just get busted all the fucking time with heroin.
Gee.
Gee.
Who are you?
Who's shouting?
Is that you? Come on up, man. Just hang out with us.
Come on.
Dude, I'm asking you on stage. You don't have to stand there going:
- Kick his ass! - Come on over.
- What is your name? - Adam Miller.
Calm down. Get it out of your system, dude.
What is it that you want to express besides:
Don't do the Jay rap.
One thing.
Oh, yeah.
Is that it?
All my friends will understand.
Get the fuck off my stage.
Oh, yeah.
Adam, what's your mom's number?
- What's your mom's number? - 907...
- Can we call her? - Yeah.
All right.
Nine... 907...
Okay.
This is your mom?
- What? - This is your mom?
- Yeah. - You sure?
Yeah.
Hey, who's this?
Are you Adam's dad? I'm gonna count to three, say "hi" to Adam, okay?
We're at the college gig at Wyoming. Hold on.
Count three and say, "Hi, Adam." One, two, three.
Hello, Adam.
We're at... Do you go here? Do you go here, as well?
- Yeah. - No, Adam goes here. I was asking Adam.
Adam is acting up, sir... Mr. Miller.
Is your last name Miller?
Mr. Miller, Adam is acting up so badly in the audience.
He's calling attention to himself...
...shouting, throwing his hands in the air...
...and acting, frankly, like he's been doing the pot.
What's that?
Can I...? I'm gonna count to three, can you chastise your son for us?
Okay, on the count of three.
One, two, three.
Straighten up, Adam.
Thank you, Mr. Miller.
Good night. Bye-bye.
Someone's getting a beating.
I was just wondering, in all the Cousin Walter stories...
...and the oral sex stories in Chasing Amy, did those actually happen?
Or did you just think of those on your own?
You're asking me if I ever tried to suck my own dick?
- In a roundabout way, yeah. - Right.
"I really want to ask him a question...
...but I don't want to come off like a fag."
Have I ever...? Yeah, I've tried to suck my own dick.
There's not much more you could say, beyond that.
And that's when I knew I could never be gay.
I wouldn't know what to say to a dude after he busted a loaf in my mouth.
And that's not a condemnation. I'm all for people being gay.
Personally, for me, I just would not know what to say.
It would be socially awkward for me.
To just be like:
"What do you want to do now?" You know?
Just don't have any pillow talk ready for that situation.
But yeah, I tried. When I was thinner.
Now it's like I'd be sucking my own gut.
What about the oral sex stories?
The chipped tooth, the scraped knees in the car?
No.
I'm a real... I'm not, like, an exciting fuck.
So most of my shit takes place safely on the confines of a mattress.
And nothing ever got hurt.
I did get wounded once in a sexual situation...
...but it was long after the movie. So it was more like life imitating art...
...but it didn't have anything to do with oral.
I had met my wife, she interviewed me for USA Today.
She used to work for USA Today.
They told me, "A journalist's gonna come interview you."
It was because of Ben and Matt, in a roundabout way.
There was a period where, when Good Will Hunting came out...
...everyone fucking loved it. And then when it's heading toward the Oscars...
...other studios start trying to fucking torpedo it.
There was a rumor going around that William Goldman...
...the screenwriter who had written Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid...
... The Princess Bride, and a famous script doctor...
...that he had written most of Good Will Hunting.
People were trying to take the credit from Ben and Matt.
There was a rumor I had written some of Good Will Hunting...
...because I was an executive producer.
The Miramax people said, "Can you do an interview?
We can't have Ben and Matt be like, 'lt's not true. '
It sounds too defensive.
If you say you didn't write it, William Goldman didn't...
...and as long as you've known about the script, Ben and Matt wrote it."
It's true. I read it long before Miramax got involved.
It's always been their script. I said, "All right."
They said, "We'll set you up with a USA Today journalist...
...named Jennifer Schwalbach." I've interviewed with a lot of journalists...
...in particular at USA Today, and they're all 40 to 50, usually guys.
And the women I've met, they look kind of like my mother.
You know, they're matronly.
Nobody fucking looks like Lois Lane. That's the one thing I've noticed.
I do a lot of interviews and I'm never like:
"Lois, I come from a planet far... " You know.
Because they all look like my mom.
So I'm like, "Send her. I'll be at the hotel." Because I was in Los Angeles.
We were in pre-production on Dogma...
...but I was out in Los Angeles rehearsing with Chris Rock...
...because he was doing Lethal Weapon...
... 99? 19?
The one with fucking Murtaugh and Riggs.
And Riggs is crazy.
So I'm out there rehearsing with Chris Rock...
...and I break to do my interview. I wait for this chick...
...and she shows up, and it's the person who will become my wife.
It's this stunning young woman. And I was so fucking blown away.
I was like, "What...?" I thought somebody had sent a hooker to my room.
I'm like, "Why would a beautiful girl be at my door?
This must be a prank." But she was like, "I'm here to interview you."
And I was like, "Get out of here. You?"
I couldn't not talk about the fact that I was blown away...
...somebody so young was working at USA Today...
...because USA Today is the most widely-read newspaper in the universe.
It goes to every fucking country.
What you see in America is what you see in Germany...
...which is what you see in France and Poland.
No matter what they write, it shows up everywhere...
...in every edition of USA Today across the planet.
So I was like, "That's fucked up."
I was about to start directing my fourth film, but I felt like a slacker.
Because here's this woman in her mid-20s working at USA Today.
I felt like I hadn't accomplished anything.
So I was like, "Can you get me a job at USA Today?
Because then I will feel accomplished."
I interviewed for two hours.
Then afterwards we just sat around bullshitting for three hours.
I dug her and we got along well, but I didn't know if she liked me.
And I didn't even think I liked her, because I'm not like that.
I don't get around a pretty girl and be like, "I'm gonna make the move."
I have no self-confidence. I can't read signals or anything.
For all I knew, she was being nice to me because she interviewed me.
I also went in thinking she was trying to get dirt on Ben and Matt.
So I was on my defensive. But then that went away and we were just chatting.
Before she left, she said, "You got a Web board? You answer questions on it?"
I said, "Yeah, all the time."
She said, "If I post on it, would you answer a question?"
I said, "Yeah. I would. I'll do it."
A couple weeks later she put up a post. I responded to it on the board...
...and her e-mail was attached so we started an e-mail relationship.
That went to a phone relationship.
I was in Pittsburgh and she was in Los Angeles.
And they told me that I had to go to the Spirit Awards, the indie Oscars...
...because Chasing Amy was nominated for three:
Best Picture, Best Screenplay, and Best Supporting Actor, for Jason Lee.
And I didn't want to go.
We'd been nominated for Clerks and didn't win anything.
So I was like, "There's no point. Plus, I'm in heavy pre-production."
And the Spirit people said, "You really, really should show up."
And I was like, "That means I'll win an award. Fuck it, I'm going."
So Jen had been covering the award circuit pretty heavily that year.
She was covering Golden Globes, the Blockbuster Movie Awards.
The DGA, the WGA.
She was gonna be covering the Oscars. So I called her up and I was like:
"I'm gonna go to the Spirit Awards, are you covering it?"
She said, "No. That's the only award ceremony I'm not covering."
She says, "Why?" I was like, "'Cause I don't know anybody in L.A."
And she said, "I'll go if you want me to."
I said, "Would you? Not as a date, but would you just show up?" "Yeah."
So she showed up and when we got there I was backstage all day...
...'cause I was presenting. Once I finally got to sit down...
...I won for screenplay and I had to go up and accept and do the press line.
So by the end of the night, everyone cleared out and it was me and her.
We were driving, and she said, "What do you want to do?"
I said, "I'd like to get out of these clothes."
And she's like: "Get out."
And I was like, "Not like that." I was wearing a suit, but...
...wanted to wear something nice like this instead.
She's like, "My apartment is scummy and I didn't clean up."
I said, "It don't matter, I'm just gonna put on some clothes."
We went to her place. I changed, and we went out to eat.
We wound up just hanging out. I was supposed to catch a plane...
And then shit started to get smooth.
I can't remember how it happened. There was no booze involved...
...which I was very proud of.
Sometimes I look at her and think:
"You'd have to be drunk to fuck me, right?"
But she wasn't. We were talking about how I have a tattoo.
And she was like, "Let me see it!"
I said, "No. I don't show anybody my tattoo because it's on my arm.
I don't take my shirt off, ever." And she said, "Well, ever?"
"I leave my shirt on in the shower. I never, never take my shirt off."
She's like, "Well, I'll trade you. Show me and I'll give you something."
I said, "Like what?"
You know, at this point, devil and angel show up...
...and the devil's like, "Head. Head. Ask for head."
And the angel's like, "Play it cool. Don't be a pig."
Which I wouldn't be anyway. So I said, "Let me see your driver's license."
"No, I'm never going to show anybody my license. I look so stupid."
"My ears are just popping out." I said, "But I'm a real big fan of your ears."
And she was like, "Really?" And I said, "Yeah. They're, like, Dumbo ears."
Which could have really gone either way.
But she was just like, "That's kind of sweet."
I was like, "I do. I dig your ears. That's your best feature.
Your ears are very striking. I'll show you my tat if I can touch your ears."
And she said, "All right."
And I'm thinking, "I'm gonna get laid tonight."
She comes and sits next to me, I pull up my sleeve.
I have a long-sleeved shirt on, so it takes 10 minutes to pull up my sleeve.
My arm flab is hanging out the sides and I show her my tattoo.
She said, "That's so sweet." I said, "Let me touch your ears now."
I touch her ears, first time I'm actually touching her body...
...and I was immediately hard.
But she don't know that 'cause I'm wearing jeans.
She stays on the couch and we're just chatting.
At one point she just kind of lays in my lap.
She's like, "I'm so tired." I was like, "Why don't you lay down?"
So she lays down in my lap, you know, face up.
So I'm sitting there and she's sitting kind of under my gut...
...and I'm having to, like, pull my shit aside to see her eyes.
So she's laying with her head in my lap and I'm like:
"I gotta be an idiot not to go for it." 'Cause I don't know.
As far as I know, maybe she's just friendly...
...one of those physically friendly people and if I try to kiss her...
...she's gonna be like, "Ew, no! I just like to lay my head in people's laps."
Then finally I was like, "You know, fuck it."
So we're looking at each other and I lean down and we kiss.
And I was like, "Holy shit, I think she likes me!"
So we re-position on the couch and start pretty heavily making out.
And she starts grinding into me, like, she starts dry humping me.
And I'm like, "I am fucking definitely getting laid tonight!"
But the problem is, she is grinding into me so hard...
...and my dick is in such an awkward position...
...that the inside of the zipper of my jeans...
...is grinding against the back of my dick.
So here's, like, you know, here's the... Here's my dick.
Gotta be honest. Here's my dick.
This is the top, here's the back.
Like this is the front, and then there's like the cut here, and then...
So this area right here, you know, under the hood... The hood kind of...
You know, the collar goes away when you get hard.
Here is this getting just driven into the fucking zipper...
...through my underwear. Bang, bang, bang. Scraping.
And I'm sitting there making out, and I'm of two minds:
"This is awesome. I can't put a stop to this because who knows...
...where it's gonna go. This could be my first one-night stand.
Am I going to complain that it hurts?" The other side was like, "Fucking ow!"
And in my mind's eye, I'm just seeing it as...
...the fucking thing is falling off.
But I don't want to say anything 'cause it's going so well.
She says, "Don't you have to catch a plane?"
"Well, I was supposed to, but I'd be happy to stay. All night.
We don't have to do anything. I could sleep on the couch.
I just don't really want to go. I'm into sitting here making out with you."
She's like "All right," and we go back to making out.
She stands up, says, "Do you want to come into the bedroom?"
"Yes."
We go into the bedroom, she lights some candles...
...she goes into her bathroom, closes the door.
Immediately I'm like:
'Cause I want to see how bad the damage is.
And it's fucking bad.
It looks like... Under the tip of... Bear with me.
Under the tip of the back of my cock looks like a bullet wound.
It looked like somebody took a 9 and was like:
And at this point I have an open sore on my cock.
The thing they warn you about in phys. Ed. From 1987 forward:
Never have sex with an open wound. In all those years of school and...
...health education, I was like, "Who would ever do that?"
I'm about to do it.
There's no way I'm gonna say no. She seems cool.
Maybe she's got VD, maybe she don't. I don't care.
I'm so wrapped up in the moment and the pain, I'm putting the pain away...
...trying to do Taoist theory on it.
"To be great is to go on, is to go forward, is to return... " you know.
She comes out, sexy shit on. We go to the bed, we start making out.
My clothes start coming off. I start blowing out candles.
'Cause she starts reaching for my shirt. I'm like:
I know if she gets one look, it's all over.
We start fooling around. Then suddenly, the moment of truth, man.
I'm like, "Do I just stop? Should I stop? No, fuck it."
And I'm inside.
And it was like sticking my dick in battery acid.
It just hurt so fucking much. And I was just like:
'Cause I'm a real I-lay-on-the-bed kind of guy.
Because if I'm on top and I lose my balance...
She's fucking dead.
"Are you all right?
Do you have any friends we could call, come pick me up?"
So she's on the top and she's going to town...
...and I'm in agony, but I'm like, "No way I'm putting a stop to it."
And finally it came to an end and we spent the night in each other's arms.
A year later, we were married. Sweet story. So after we're married...
After we're married for, I don't know, about a month...
...we were chitchatting about the origin of our relationship.
And I was like, "Did you know...
...that the first time we had sex, I was sporting an open wound?"
And she was like, "Qu'est-ce que c'est?"
"The first time we had sex, I had an open wound."
"What are you, fucking nuts?"
"Why would you tell me that now? What are you, some kind of pig?"
I said, "You created the open wound."
She said, "How?" "All the fucking dry humping."
"And you still went through with it?" "Yeah."
"Why?" And I was like, "'Cause I love you."
With just a Matty Damon, Academy Award-winning performance.
She said, "That is so sweet."
She got a little glassy-eyed. Cut back to a year before, I was like, "Ow! Ow!"
Wasn't really doing it for love, more: "Holy shit, this chick's fucking me!
And I just met her."
So that's the worst...
- I'll never work that into a script... - Oh, come on.
I just did it here and shit.
Everyone here would see the movie and be like, "Heard it."
"He's talking about his wife. She cut his dick wide open before they met.
Did a real Lorena Bobbitt on him and he still fucked her.
Because his options are limited."
But that was the worst kind of sexual experience that I ever had.
- But I married the chick, so it's okay. - Thanks.
You're welcome. Thanks for making me expose some...
Just flashing on the moment your parents are writing tuition checks:
"I wonder what the 5000-dollar student-activity fund fee is for?"
So you can sit here and listen to how I cut my fucking cock open.
- Kevin, my name is Jackie Busek. - Yes.
We all love the few lines Silent Bob does say in each movie.
But we love even more the few dance moves you show off in Clerks...
...and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.
And I was just wondering if you'd show us some of those smooth moves.
Moves!
- See, this is where I draw the line. - Come on!
I'll stand up here and answer questions.
Come on, we all want you to do it!
No, 'cause that's... No, no, wait!
No, because that's... That would be kind of dehumanizing to me.
'Cause I'd feel like a dancing chimp at that point.
Like, "Dance, little monkey!"
- I gotta maintain a little dignity. - Just for a couple seconds?
- Just what? - A couple seconds, even.
A couple of... No.
'Cause once you start, how do you stop?
I do that and then somebody else is like, "Hey, drop your pants!"
"Do it! We're paying you enough! Drop your pants!" You know?
No. That you really don't want.
But no, dancing I don't do. I don't do dancing.
- All right. Thank you, though. - All right, good try.
Oh, fuck you!
You act like I broke her heart, man. She's like, "Dance, fat boy!
Me and my friends want to see you jiggle.
Do the chunk shuffle, bitch!"
I'll dance with you!
This is the sad thing. You know Woody Allen doesn't go through this.
It's not like, "Back when we made Manhattan..."
"Dance! Fucking dance, Woody!
Do the Soon-Yi!"
It's Chap Stick.
It's Chap Stick.
- What was that? - Somebody outside.
- Really? - There's a balcony up there.
Let them in.
Fuck them, I paid!
- What's that? - I paid for this.
Somebody let me in!
Are you all right?
I'm outside, I need somebody to let me in!
- Come on. - Let him in, come on.
Do you need help?
With what?
My friend has tickets! He's inside!
With Ren and Stimpy?
Tim! Where are you, Tim?
Don't talk to them. Talk to me. I made Clerks.
How many?
Five, now.
"Five, now"? Is the group getting bigger?
You have a... What? You want to suck me off?
I have no control over whether you can come in or not.
I am powerless.
- Please, for the love of God. We paid! - What?
- They paid. - Tim has their tickets.
- Tim has the tickets? Tim? - Yeah, Tim!
Tim?
Is Tim around?
Is that Tim?
Put your head up here, right here! Put your head up here, goddamn it!
You're not Tim, are you?
Is Tim around?
Tim doesn't exist!
We're trying to get you free, hold on. Hold on.
- I have one! - I got one!
Take shallow breaths.
- We're closing off the compartment. - They're gonna let us in!
- We got two tickets! - You got tickets? Bring them on up.
- The guy's got our ticket! - One, two, three, four, five.
Can I...? I'll take one. We have five tickets.
Can we let them in? Who's in charge?
I don't dare open that door.
Make them dance!
- Somebody has breached the door. - Now we got to find five seats!
Make them dance? Genius.
- Dance, monkey boys! - Dance, boys!
Hold on. We're gonna spring it on them. Come up here.
These guys too? Come on up.
- This is an honor. Sincerely. - Hey, man, how are you?
Come on up. Where are the other three?
Tim?
- Tim Rothfield! Anyone? - That's it. You guys, five?
- He ditched you. - These cats got you tickets.
It wasn't me. I said...
We're not trying to steal the show.
Good. You're...
- Make them dance! - Drop your pants!
Show them your cock!
These guys demand that since they got you in, they want you to dance.
- I need music. - Can we have some music?
From when Silent Bob and Jay dance outside...
- You don't get to request the music. - I'm sorry. Just any music, man.
All right, it's over. Fun time's over. Back to work.
Thanks for the tickets! We're not trying to steal the show.
I really feel like we did some good today.
Just real quick. You haven't touched on it...
...and I don't know how many people know about it.
In the middle of June, you were up in Minneapolis...
...filming a documentary for Prince that as far as I've heard...
...is never gonna see the light of day. Can you shed a little light on that?
We were trying to get a Prince song for Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back...
...where Shannon Elizabeth's character comes into the restaurant...
...the song "The Most Beautiful Girl in the World," but we got no response.
Then one day I got a call at the office.
They said, "Prince's office called. He wants to speak to you."
"Holy shit! Fucking Pr... His Royal Badness?"
'Cause I'm a Prince fan. So I said, "I'm gonna call him back."
So I call him up and they answer, and they're like:
"Prince isn't available right now, but he does want to speak to you...
...so sit by the phone and we'll call you back."
So I'm like, "All right."
Ring.
And I wait and wait and wait. About 15, 20 minutes later...
...somebody calls. And they're like, "Is Kevin there?" "This is he."
"Kevin, hi. I'm calling from Prince's office. He'll call you in 25 minutes."
I said, "Awesome. All right, bye."
25 minutes later, phone rings.
"Is Kevin there? This is Trevor in Prince's office.
Prince will be calling you in 19 minutes."
And I said, "This is genius."
Because it sounds like they have shit well-scheduled, 19 minutes...
...but then again, this is the third time he called.
So I said, "Hey, man, just a question. When I talk to the guy...
...can I...? Do you call him Prince? Do I call him Artist?
You know, what do you call him? Jack?"
And he said, "He's back to Prince. Call him Prince."
I sit around, I get another phone call:
"Prince wants to call you tonight at home. Can we have that number?"
I give it to him. I go home and I'm like:
"Prince is calling! Everybody get away from the phone!"
The kid wants to play...
...l'm like, "Go away, Prince is calling."
So I wait and the phone rings and I get Trevor again:
"Prince is gonna be calling in five minutes."
"I am so ready for this call."
Phone rings again and I hear his fucking voice.
He's just like, "Kevin?" And I said, "Prince?"
Because that's his name. And he said, "How you doing?"
I said, "I'm excellent. How are you?" He said, "Very good."
"I just want to tell you I'm a huge fan."
He goes, "Likewise." "Really?" "Oh, yeah. Particularly Dogma. "
He's like, "Would you like to do something together?"
"Yeah, what do you want to do?" I'm thinking he wants to do a musical.
But it's not the musical that he wants to do, necessarily.
He starts talking about Dogma: "I really enjoyed Dogma...
...I thought it was incredible. I thought the message was great."
He went on at great lengths about it. I'm listening to him...
...and it's starting not to sound like the movie I made.
A little bit. He's got the character names down...
...but there's things he's talking about that I'm like:
"I didn't say that in the movie, did I?"
Like, "Hold on." I'm going to rewind the movie.
He starts talking more and more about spirituality, religion, faith.
It becomes very apparent over the course of a half-hour...
...Prince is way into Jesus. Like, really into Jesus.
He's always had one foot in the corporeal, one foot in the spiritual.
He sings about "Darling Nikki," but he also sings about God.
But it felt like the pendulum swung far away from nookie...
...right into the Son of God.
And I... You know, I'm thinking I can talk smack to this dude...
...but he doesn't want to hear from language. At one point he says:
"I'll put you an example."
He's sitting there ministering to me at a certain point.
But I'm not going to say anything 'cause it's Prince.
So he's like, "I'll give you an example.
You make movies with cursing in them." I said, "Yeah."
And he said, "Can you make a movie without cursing in it?"
I said, "Yeah, I guess. But why bother?"
And he said, "Do you understand...
...that cursing offends some people? Vulgarity offends people."
I said, "Yeah." And he goes, "Do you mean to offend people?"
I said, "No, no." And he's like, "But you still do it anyway?" "Yeah."
He's going, "Okay, we're gonna put you over here." I was like, "Where?"
And I, you know, I can't see him, but I think he went like this:
And I really want to know what over here is, but he doesn't explain.
He gets very cryptic like that.
He's like, "Kevin, if a big snake gives birth to a little snake...
...what is that little snake gonna grow up to be?" "A big snake?"
He's like, "Right.
That snake gives birth to a snake. What's that gonna grow to be?"
And I said, "Big snake."
He said, "Exactly, you gotta know who your father is."
And I'm like...
I don't know what that fucking means. So I'm like, "I hear you. I hear you."
He's like, "So you wanna do this?" I'm like, "Yeah, what are we doing?"
He said, "I have this thing called 'the Celebration'...
...where I'm gonna debut my new album for a bunch of fans.
They come to Paisley Park, we have an event.
Then we're gonna have parties where people hear the album.
I want to make a movie that we can bring to the Cannes Film Festival."
I said, "Really?" He said, "Yeah."
"Like a concert film?" I'm saying. He's like, "Kind of...
...but I want to do bold things. I want to put up the words:
'Jesus Christ is the Son Of God, ' and let them deal with it."
And I'm like, "Well, I already made that movie, kind of."
But I didn't say that because it's Prince.
I said, "That's fucking bold!"
He said, "What did I say about cursing?" I said, "I got you."
He said, "You free to come do this?" I said, "Yeah, absolutely."
He said, "I'll let you know when we're doing it."
I was like, "Shit, that's fucking great!"
I go and tell everyone.
Mosier goes, "Did you ask about the song for the movie?"
And I was like, "No, fuck, I forgot!"
I was like, "Should I just call him again?
Aren't we kind of friends at this point?"
He says, "Find out if we can use the song."
I call him the next day and I was like, "Hey, Prince, it's Kevin.
Listen, we talked a lot and I look forward to this thing we're gonna do...
...but we're making Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back...
...and it has the dudes who were in Dogma, remember?
I needed to use 'The Most Beautiful Girl in the World. '
I want to put it in this one scene." And he goes, "No."
I said, "No?" He said, "I'm gonna have to pass on that."
He's like, "You can use the Time song," which he owns the publishing for.
And I said, "All right. Bye." You know? I was like, "That's so fucking weird."
The dude said, "Come shoot a documentary for me."
Then I'm like, "Can I have one of your songs?"
He's like, "No."
I thought people gave each other things.
But I don't say anything because it's Prince.
So it's time to go up there and I'm in the midst of editing the movie...
...we're getting to crunch time. Many things are going on...
...the last thing in the world I should do is go to Minnesota.
But I'm like, "Fuck it. Once in a lifetime chance.
It's fucking Prince, I gotta go." I grab the wife...
...jump on the plane. We go to Minnesota. I get out there...
...and I meet with his producer, this great woman named Stephanie.
And Stephanie's like, "He's on-stage talking to a bunch of people.
He'll tell you what he wants."
I go in and he's sitting on the stage and he's very small.
He looks big on-stage, but he's very small. But he's decked out.
He's wearing clothes that look like somebody just sewed them.
Like an outfit, like he's in a play, doing Shakespeare.
Not like nice clothes like this.
And he's in heels, of course.
I'm like, "He's in heels. It's casual time and he's in heels."
I always thought, around the house, he's wearing kicks.
So we start talking. He tells me about his beefs with the music industry.
And you can't follow him, he's jumping topic to topic.
And I'm like, "Uh-huh. I don't know what he's saying. What?"
And he's talking, at one point, "Anybody can take a song and record it."
I was like, "Really?" He's like, "It happened to Chaka Khan."
He's like, "Whitney Houston recorded, 'I'm Every Woman. '
Chaka didn't want that, Chaka mad." I'm like, "Chaka mad?"
He's like, "Chaka real mad."
I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do about Chaka being mad.
He's like, "I want you to shoot people's reaction to the album.
Let them listen to it and you have them talk about it.
And then I want to talk about religion and lead that into race...
...and lead it into the music biz and radio.
At the end of the week, I want to change the world."
I'm like, "I'm in the middle of making a dick-and-fart-joke movie.
I'm not prepared to change my underwear, let alone the world.
I don't think I can... I don't... I don't... All right."
He's like, "All right, I'll see you tomorrow." And he takes off.
I look at Stephanie, I was like, "Can we go outside?"
I was like, "I can't do this! I don't know what he wants!
I can't change the world. I'm not a documentarian.
Did you see the movies I make? I don't make documentaries.
Documentaries are made by people who come up with the idea...
...and see it through, shoot it themselves and interview people...
...because it's something personal to them.
He's very personal and passionate about these issues. I'm not.
Chaka mad. I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do about that."
She's like, "Calm down." And she's like, "What can you do?"
I said, "If Prince wants a movie about...
...a couple guys hanging around a mall...
...like, I'm your guy, but I can't make a documentary."
She's like, "But he really wants you to do it."
And I was like, "I don't understand. I'm not cut out for this kind of thing.
Can you explain it to him? Just go in there and tell him.
I'll go back to Los Angeles and tell him no harm, no foul."
She's like, "Kevin, let me explain something to you about Prince.
I've been working with Prince for many years and I can't go tell him...
...that you can't shoot this documentary."
She's like, "Prince doesn't comprehend things the way you and I do."
I was like, "What do you mean?" She was like, "Well...
...Prince has been living in Prince World for quite some time now."
She's like, "So Prince will come to us periodically and say things like:
'lt's 3 in the morning in Minnesota. I really need a camel.
Go get it. '
And then we try to explain to Prince, like:
'Prince, it's 3:00 in the morning in Minnesota, it's January...
...and you want a camel.
That is not physically or psychologically possible. '
And Prince says, 'Why?"'
I'm like, "Is he an asshole?"
She's like, "He's not malicious when he does it.
He just doesn't understand why he can't get what he wants.
He doesn't understand why someone can't process a request...
...like a camel at 3 in the morning in Minnesota."
I was like, "That's not my problem.
I can't do what he wants. I don't know what to do."
She said, "You'd be doing me a huge favor if you tell him that."
I was like, "All right, I'll tell him.
Somebody's got to deal with him. He'll understand."
So I go in there and he's on-stage and then he comes back down.
He's like, "What's the matter?" I was like, "How do you want to shoot this?"
He's like, "Whatever you want."
I said, "I don't know if I can shoot this thing.
Since it's a documentary, it should come from you.
I'd be kind of a third wheel.
It's, like, you've got the crew and you have the idea...
...and I'd basically be there, what, to do what?
There's nothing for me to do."
He said, "I need you to be my representation.
You have to go and communicate my message."
I said, "If you want me to communicate 'Let's Go Crazy. '
Let's get nuts. Like, let's slip on a purple banana...
...till they put us in the truck. I can do that.
I've listened to that album. If you want me...
...to start talking about Jesus, I did that.
I got a lot of death threats. So I'm not too keen to go in there and do it."
He's like, "You'll do a great job." Walks away.
I'm like, "Oh, my God. I don't know how to make a fucking documentary."
So I go in the next day, and we're shooting in the atrium.
Everybody sits down and shit.
They're listening to albums in other rooms in Paisley Park.
They bring them into the atrium...
...with the high ceilings, and there's a cage with doves in it.
You're sitting there listening to what it sounds like when fucking doves cry.
'Cause they won't shut up. People are coming in, and I'm standing there...
...with two guys with cameras and their Nagra equipment.
And I'd say about 20% of them, as they walk in, are like:
"It's Silent Bob."
I was the last person they expected to see.
Like, "What the fuck is Silent Bob doing here?
Is he a fan? What's with the cameras? What's going on?"
I'm like, "I don't even know what's going on!"
So I'm like, "We'll talk about what you've just heard."
I don't introduce myself.
I said, "We'll talk about what you just listened to...
...and see where the topic takes us." We start talking.
Everybody wants to talk about religion, the album's theme.
It's kind of one story throughout the whole album.
Heavily steeped in faith and spirituality.
So people start getting up in arms.
Some people said, "It's his best work. It's the promise he showed on Lovesexy.
It's the next level for Prince.
I love all the three to four minute hits, but this is tremendous."
Other people were going, "We know Prince is a Jehovah's Witness."
I'm sitting there going, "Prince is a Jehovah's Witness?
Since when? Now?
Because he didn't try to sell me a Watchtower once."
So he's going, "I printed up a bunch of facts...
...about Jehovah's Witness that Prince should read. It's important stuff.
He should know that he's being bilked."
I'm like, "What else is everyone thinking?"
I'm trying to lead the discussion, but everyone wants to talk about religion.
Some are incensed because it's a literal translation of the Bible...
...which means that the order of things is God, man, women, children, animals.
Some women were like, "I don't go in for this man, woman shit.
I don't want to be led by any man."
I'm trying to control the fires.
Somebody comes up behind me and says...
...whispers in my ear, "Prince wants you to stop talking about religion."
I'm like, "What do you mean Prince wants me to stop talking about religion?
That's what they want. Where is he?" They're like, "He's not here."
I said, "How does he know I'm talking about religion?"
She's like, "He'd just... He'd prefer if you stop. He knows."
I said, "How am I supposed to change topic?
Be like, 'Hey, who likes pie? ' you know, instead of...
They listened to an album about religion.
What can I tell you? If he wants it to not be about...
If he wants it to be something else, he should get his ass here."
She said, "I just told you."
So people are talking, I'm looking around while they're speaking.
There's a sign in the atrium that says: "The atrium: redone in 19... "
Then there's a piece of factoid about the atrium that says:
"Like every room in the building, this room is wired for sound...
...so Prince can record anywhere he likes."
Which means that if Prince is sitting in the shitter...
...and he wants to write "Raspberry Beret"...
...he can do it and record it while taking a shit without leaving the room.
Every room is wired for sound.
I'm reading that going, "Now, that's interesting..."
No wonder the motherfucker heard me. Every room is wired for sound.
I'm like, "God, did he hear me say 'He should get his ass here'?"
He might have, because I'm talking to the person talking...
...and I see Prince materialize.
Not out of thin air, but suddenly, he's there.
I'm like, "Holy shit, he's coming to yell at me in front of these people."
So I made him part of it. "What do you think?"
Everyone's like, "It's Prince!" He comes and sits down.
He's listening to the group and letting me lead it. Then he starts joining in.
If you know Prince, he's solitary. He likes to stay apart from people.
But he starts joining in, gets real into it. And I start hanging back.
I go in the back and watch it.
So I'm appreciating Prince talking to these people...
...about spirituality and then about how radio sucks nowadays.
Nobody owns the air over his head so why can't they play shit he wants?
He's going everywhere.
And I'm like, "This is brilliant. I'd watch this.
I'd watch this documentary about how a man falls apart in front of a crowd."
But I don't think that's the documentary he has in mind.
The next day, same thing. We're talking and he shows up.
I bring him in. He takes over. He's in his element. He's happy.
He's just sitting there, a robe short of being a minister...
...preaching, playing games with the crowd.
Games where people go to the other side of the room like kindergarten.
He says, "Those who believe Jesus is the son of God...
...over to this side of the room. Those who don't, go over there.
We rule our lives by this." He pulls a Bible from his back pocket.
I'm like, "I didn't even know he had a back pocket."
The outfits he wears don't really lend to pockets.
But not only that, he's got a Bible in it.
I'm like, "This is fucked up."
He says, "We'll lead our lives by this. Over there, you live by what you do.
You have no laws. We have laws. We want your women.
So we'll take them. There's nothing you can do. Women, come here.
Because you don't lead your lives by this."
I'm going, "Is that what it says in the Bible?"
Because if it is, I'm going back to church.
He's going through these parlor games and he's real happy.
I was pleased to get to see a part of him that I'd never seen before...
...in everything from interviews to any press.
So the next day, he's like, "I'm not gonna be able to do it.
I've got a show to do at the St. Paul Excel Arena.
I'm gonna do a night show and my leg hurts, so I won't do the q and a."
I said, "Why does your leg hurt?" He said, "Something with my knee."
And I was like, "Do you think it's because you always wear heels?"
He said, "What?"
I said, "Maybe your knee wouldn't hurt if you wore sneakers."
He goes, "It's not about sneakers."
I said, "All right, man, I was just checking. We need you, Prince."
I go out and Stephanie said, "You mentioned sneakers to him?"
I said, "Yeah, was that bad?" She said, "Yeah!"
I said, "Does he wear them?" She said, "He does.
What's the interest with Prince's sneakers?"
I said, "Does he wear them?"
She said, "He wears them for basketball."
I said, "He plays ball in sneakers? Where does he keep them?"
She's like, "Let it go."
I said, "Does he wear the outfits playing basketball?"
Because every outfit looks like he's about to be:
"Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio." You know?
She said, "No, he wears warm-up suits." I said, "He's got warm-up suits?"
She says, "Yes, he's got warm-up pants with the buttons down the side."
I was like, "Where does he keep it? Does he wear it under his clothes?"
She says, "He's got them to the side."
I said, "Well, are they made like his outfits? Designer basketball wear?"
She says, "No, they're from a store." I said, "He shops at a fucking store?"
She says, "No, we go out and get stuff for him."
I said, "Where do you get his clothes?" She says, "Nordstrom's."
I said, "They sell stuff his size?"
She's like, "Nordstrom's boys department."
And at this point, I'm like, "That is so fucking cute!"
The documentary should be about that. I'd watch it.
Prince is like, "All right, I'm little. I'm a huge rock god...
...but I'm little. I get my clothes at Nordstrom's boys department."
But that's not the documentary he wants to make.
So he skips that day.
The next day he's supposed to come. We're having one of the last sessions.
We crammed 75 people in this room.
It's really hot, really tight, lights boiling. Everyone's sweating.
We're going on for about three hours.
One guy says, "This album's about how Prince hates white people."
I said, "Really? I didn't get that at all. What makes you say that?"
He says, "He's singing about how the devil stole it."
I said, "No, he's not talking about the 'white devil, ' but this devil.
I don't think it's a race thing. Really? Race? Do you think so?"
And I can't defend it because I don't fucking know.
Finally, they're like, "Prince wants to talk to you in his office."
I'm like, "Break, everyone grab some air. I'll talk to Prince."
I'm pissed now. I'm sweating, fielding questions from a very defensive crowd.
The dude was supposed to be here hours ago.
So I go into his office...
...and he's sitting behind his desk playing with a computer.
I sit there for a good 20 to 30 seconds. He says nothing.
Then he says, "These are pictures from the show last night."
I said, "That's great. We needed you about two hours ago.
Things got tense." He says, "Really?"
"Some dude said you hate white people." He said, "Why did he say that?"
I said, "In the album, you talk about how the devil stole the music.
He said you meant the 'white devil. ' I said you meant this."
He said, "He said white people stole music from black people?"
I said, "That was his argument." He goes, "If the bra fits."
And I'm like, "What the fuck does that mean, man?!
If the bra fucking fits? I'm sweating for hours fielding questions...
...defending your Jehovah's Witnessism even though I know nothing about it.
Don't talk to me like I'm fucking Apollonia!
You want me to jump into the fucking waters of Lake Minnetonka!"
I'm fucking at wit's end with this man.
This is what it sounds like when Kev's fucking pissed. You know?
I'm like, "Go explain that's not what you meant."
He's like, "People are gonna take what they will from it."
I said, "These people have been here for hours. They expect you."
He's like, "I'll talk to them. You want to shoot it?"
I said, "Okay, and I want to leave early because today is Father's Day."
My wife was there all week.
Her parents brought Harley so we could spend Father's Day together.
He said, "Okay."
I'm like, "Ladies and gentlemen: Prince."
He sits down, starts talking and we start shooting.
And he starts talking and proceeds to talk for four hours.
He's getting into his parlor games and having a great time.
The guys are like, "Are we still shooting?"
I'm like, "Keep shooting. Something might happen.
Maybe somebody will get as pissed as I am and take the guy out."
After the four hours one of the guy comes over to me.
He's like, "We're out." I'm like, "We ain't out till he says we're out."
He said, "No, we're out of stock." I said, "Change the tape."
He's like, "We've blown through our entire stock.
It's Sunday. There's no more stock."
I said, "What about the other camera?" He's like, "He's got three minutes."
I was like, "Shit, we're out of tape? Do we tell him?
Or do we just pretend like we're shooting him?"
He's like, "It's your call." I'm like, "Just keep rolling.
Just make pretend, go ahead."
They run out of tape. Prince goes on for an hour, not even being recorded.
He looks over to me periodically and I'm like:
So it ends and everyone gets up to go...
...and this is the last session. The week is over.
And he kind of goes out a back door and shit so he can avoid autographs.
And I collect my stuff and Stephanie...
...who was my chaperone, wasn't even there anymore.
And I said to her before she left, I was like:
"This is the last day. What are we gonna do?
Am I cutting this thing?" She's like, "They've been cutting it.
He used some of the footage at his show last night."
I'm like, "Really?" I feel so useless.
I'm trying to maintain my composure and stuff's being already cut?
I said, "So you'll have a cut of the film next week."
She said, "Don't count on seeing it." I said, "Why?"
She said, "A lot of this stuff never sees the light of day."
I was like, "What do you mean?"
She's like, "I produced 50 music videos for him."
I said, "Which ones?" She said, "You've never seen them.
They're for songs you've never heard." I said, "Where are they?"
She's like, "He puts them in a vault." I was like, "For what?"
And she's like, "I don't know."
I was like, "Is it just him on-stage?"
She's like, "No, 50 fully-produced music videos with costumes and sets.
Money was spent."
I was like, "And they've never been seen on MTV or anything? BET, VH1?"
She's like, "No. He just puts them in the vault."
I was like, "Like in case the fucking world goes up...
...we'll have entertainment?"
She's like, "That's just the way Prince is."
I'm like, "After all this work, nobody may ever see it?"
She's like, "I don't know." I'm like, "Good Lord."
So day's over, I say goodbye to this other girl, and she's like:
"Do you want to say goodbye to Prince?"
I'm like, "He's busy, I won't bother him."
The wife said, "You should say goodbye." I said, "You think so?"
She's like, "He'd probably want to say goodbye."
I was like, "You're right."
So I go back in and I'm like, "You know what?
I should say goodbye to Prince." She's like, "I'll find him."
She goes away and then comes back, and she's like:
"He's in there working on some music."
And I was like, "And?"
She was like, "He's working on some music."
I was like, "So I should go?" And she's like, "Yeah."
And I was like, "All right, tell him I said goodbye, I guess."
I walk to the car and I'm like, "I can't fucking believe it.
I spent a week shooting a documentary for which I wasn't paid, for which...
...I had really no passion for. It was not my story.
And the dude never once said, 'Thanks for taking the time."'
Like, I'll do anything as long as somebody says, "Hey, thanks."
Gratitude's a big part of my life.
It so was weird that dude didn't have two seconds to be like:
"Night, tubby." Or anything like that.
Or just, "I knew there was no film in that camera."
He never once said thank you. I was so fucking cheesed, man.
I was like, "This is why fans turn on people."
Somebody disappoints them and they fucking turn on them.
But this is one instance where I felt like it was valid.
All he had to do was say, "Hey, man, thanks."
That would've been fine. But the thing pissed me off the most...
...the whole week, not once did the guy ever once play fucking "Batdance."
I had this all planned and then I got here...
...and then it's so much different.
- Does your plan involve a gun? - Huh?
- Does your plan involve a gun? - Sorry, I...
Does your plan involve a gun?
- No, of course not. - Then take your time, take your time.
Okay, my question is that, of course, you're writing comic books now.
You did Daredevil, Green Arrow, and The Brave and the Bold.
You've done movies. I was wondering if there was...
...anything else you held in a high enough regard to approve of.
To, like, actually have a cameo in a film or a television series
That doesn't require a stamp of approval, that requires a paycheck.
Again, if you give me enough money, I'll show up.
- Scream 3! - What is it?
- Scream 3! - Scream 3, perfect example.
Bob Weinstein's like, "Do you want to do Scream 3?" I said, "No."
He's like, "We'll pay you." I was like, "All right."
That wasn't my fault.
I was like, "I don't know." He said, "Come on."
I said, "I'll ask Jason. If he says yes, I'll do it."
I called Jason. I said, "They want us for Scream 3."
He was like, "Are we getting paid?" I was like, "Yeah."
He's like, "All right, let's go."
We went out there, and we got paid the SAG minimum wage.
You get paid on a weekly rate. We got, like, 1200 bucks to do it.
And they send you a check two weeks later.
We got there and they gave us each trailers...
...because the big stars were out. So we got their trailers.
So I was going through, like, Courteney Cox's panties and shit.
Trying them on.
But we're in our trailers and they gave me per diem...
...which is money they give you on set.
Per diem: brilliant secret of the movie industry.
You get a paycheck, but they also give you an allotment of money...
...that you can use to go out to eat, or grab cigarettes...
...while you're on the movie.
Which is weird because they give you food and cigarettes.
So it turns out to be coke and whore money.
Since we were only there a day, they gave us $300...
...and there was a Scream 3 shirt. So I said, "This is nice."
I'm watching a TV in the trailer...
...and I hear him leave his trailer and come racing to my fucking trailer.
I open the door and he's just like, "Fucking, they gave me $300, man!
$300 and a shirt! Did you get this?" I was like, "I got four."
He was like, "No way!" I was like, "No.
No, I got $300 and a shirt."
He said, "Awesome, we should do this all the time!"
I was like, "I'm pretty sure we do it all the time...
...on our own movies, and we make a lot more."
He's like, "We should go to every horror movie and just show up.
Do a day on all horror movies, where suddenly we're there...
...and we get like $300 and a shirt?"
I was like, "We could...
...or we can make more movies in which we are characters...
...and we get much more than $300 and you can keep your entire wardrobe."
And he was just like, "But, $300 and a shirt!"
So he was ecstatic about that. Would I ever do anything...?
I would love to be on The Sopranos. I mean, it's set in Jersey, so...
Of course, the true mark of coolness would be The Simpsons, wouldn't it?
Some people go like, "Wouldn't you like to be in Star Wars?"
But they cast Jabba, so I don't know who I'd play.
The portly stormtrooper. You know?
Everyone's chasing Anakin Skywalker and there's one guy lagging behind.
Lifting up his helmet to smoke.
"I hate the fucking Empire."
But The Sopranos, Simpsons, I would love to do that.
Now that I said it, I'll never get it, but thanks for coaxing it out.
- Okay, thanks. - Thanks, man.
- Hi, my name is Jen Dudanowicz. - Hello.
- And I was wondering... - What's the first name?
- Jen. - What was the last name?
- Dudanowicz. - Spell.
D-U-D...
I told my mother I would marry a guy with a single-syllable...
Just answer my question. Spell, your name.
D-U-D-A-N-O-W-I-C-Z.
- That is $35,000 worth of education. - Yes, that is.
- Go ahead. - Thirty-six.
- Really? - Yes.
My question is: Will we be seeing Jay and Silent Bob again?
Jay and Silent Bob will never fucking come back. Never.
See?
Don't boo that. Jay and Bob will be in the cartoon...
...but live action, no way. I mean, look at me.
I'm getting older. And Mewes, like, thank God for the makeup...
...because Mewes looks like he's 49...
...in real life.
You don't want to overstay your welcome.
You don't want to be Pauly Shore.
- It was quality while it lasted. - I only say that because...
Remember, everyone at one point was like, "The weasel."
Like, "Hey, buddy."
And then one day people were like, "Fuck Pauly Shore!"
I don't want to live through that part of his career.
"Hey, buddy," that was all right.
But when they're like, "Fuck you.
Silent Bob. Silent Dick."
Because what do you say to that? Like, "All right, Silent Dick."
Get out while the getting's good. Leave the party before it ends.
Push back from the table, you know, before you eat 19 desserts.
Stop at 17 and a half.
There are some people that would argue that we overstayed by four movies.
It's time to go. Plus, after the last one, what do you do?
Like, Jay and Bob in Space.
They were getting high in a rocket, one of them was...
Someone said "lunch," he thought he said "launch."
You guys have been awesome, thank you for coming out. Good night, Worcester!
Good night.
Kent State, good night.
Good night, Wyoming. Good night.
Thank you all, I love you. Goodbye, Cornell!
E=mc2
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