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Evil Dead 3 - Army of Darkness (DirCut) CD1

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My name is Ash, and I am a slave.
- Aah !
Close as I can figure it, the year is 1300 A.D.,
and I'm being dragged to my death.
It wasn't always like this.
I had a real life once.
A job.
Ash to price check four.
Um, hardware, aisle 12.
Shop smart. Shop S-mart.
I had a wonderful girlfriend, Linda.
Together, we drove to a small cabin in the mountains.
It seems an archaeologist had come to this remote place...
to translate and study his latest find,
"Necronomicon Ex Mortis,"
"The Book of the Dead."
Bound in human flesh and inked in blood,
this ancient Sumerian text contained bizarre burial rites,
funerary incantations and demon resurrection passages.
It was never meant for the world of the living.
The book awoke something dark in the woods.
It took Linda.
- And then it came for me.
It got into my hand and it went bad.
So I lopped it off at the wrist.
But that didn't stop it. It came back.
- Big time.
Ah !
Aah !
My God !
How do you stop it ?
- Surround the stranger !
All right, you men, fall in !
All o' ya, keep a pace !
Where in the hell--
Stand fast, hellhound !
No, no. Easy now, chief.
Uh, I don't know how I got here,
- and, uh, uh, I'm not looking for any trouble.
What a piece of armor this is !
- Wise man ! - Fall back ! Come on, all you men.
Back on your horses. Come on !
My lord, I believe he is the one written of in the Necronomicon.
He who's prophesied to fall from the heavens...
and deliver us from the terrors of the Deadites.
What, that buffoon ?
Likely...
he's one of Henry's men !
- Kneel, rapscallions !
I say to the pit with him !
You shall soon learn the horrors of the pit.
- To the pit ! - You miserable bast--
- Get him ! - Get off of me !
- Let me go ! - Chain him !
Ah, you're gonna have a little bit of wee fun, mate.
To the castle !
Pick up your feet ! Stop draggin' your feet !
Come on ! Move along !
Come on, now.
Come on, pick it up. Have a taste of this !
You men got something to look forward to...
when you get back to the castle.
Lord Arthur approaches !
Raise the portcullis !
Lord Arthur ! Lord Arthur approaches !
That's lovely, isn't it ? Move it in.
Move it, you worthless--
- Get on !
Move it up, boys. God save the king !
God save the king. We love him !
Arthur ! He's back !
Lord Arthur, where is my brother ? Did he not ride with you ?
Aye, and fought valiantly.
But last night he fell in battle to Duke Henry's men.
I'm sorry, Sheila.
Come on.
You cretin ! Ah, stop it, you bastard !
You barbarian !
- Oh, no ! Stop it ! Stop it !
Get outta here, you little brat !
Foul thing ! A pox on you, brute !
Thou art a murderer ! A black murderer !
My brother's death shall be avenged !
Company, halt !
Get that yoke off 'im !
Kill them !
Put them into the pit !
You, sir, are not one of my vassals.
Who are you ?
Who wants to know ?
I am Henry the Red,
Duke of Shael, Lord of the Northlands and leader of its peoples.
Well, hello, Mr. Fancy Pants.
I got news for you, pal. You ain't leadin' but two things right now--
Jack and shit, and Jack left town.
Shut your bleedin' hole !
Shut your bleedin' hole !
Gentlemen, Lord Arthur !
There is an evil awakened in this land,
and while my people fight for their very souls against it,
you, Henry the Red, wage war on us !
Charlatan ! Aah !
It was you who first turned your swords on us !
And this evil has befouled my people as well !
Your people are no better than the foul corruption...
that lies in the bowels of that pit.
Right, you're no better.
May God have mercy upon your souls.
God's name ! What hell-spawned thing lurks there ?
Into the pit with those bloodthirsty sons of 'hores !
No ! No !
No, no ! Aah !
Oh ! Heavenly God !
He's escaping !
- Hold to ! - Hold him !
- Who's next ? - It's him. Aye, he trembles !
They don't look so clever now, do they ?
He's frightened ! He's frightened white !
Whoa ! Whoa !
Wait a minute. Hold it.
W-Wait a minute. You gotta understand, man.
I never even saw these assholes before.
- Get him in there ! - He trembles !
He's begging !
- What are you waitin' for ? - Henry !
You gotta tell him you don't know me.
We never met. Tell him.
I do not think he'll listen, lad.
Look.
I'm tellin' you, you got the wrong guy.
I'm tellin' you, you got the wrong guy.
Uh, wh-whoa.
- Aah !
How do you like the pit ? Isn't the pit wonderful ?
- Hai-ya !
- Why, you--
Ha !
Spikes.
Hey ! He says, "Spikes." Give him spikes !
Make way ! Strange one !
- Strange one !
Yaaah !
Yes !
Damn you. Damn you !
You know, your shoelace is untied.
All right.
Who wants some ?
Who's next, huh ?
How 'bout it ?
Who wants some, huh ?
Who wants to have a little ?
You. You want some more ?
Huh ?
You want a little ?
Do ya ? Do ya ? Do ya want some more?
Huh ? Huh ?
Now get on those horses and get outta here.
Let 'em go !
- Halt !
Thank you, generous hosts !
Sword boy !
For that arrogance, I shall see you dead.
Yeah.
All right, you primitive screwheads, listen up.
See this ?
- This is my boom stick !
It's a 12-gauge, double-barreled Remington.
S-mart's top of the line.
You can find this in the sporting goods department.
That's right. This sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
Retails for about $109.95.
It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel and a hair trigger.
That's right, shop smart.
Shop S-mart. You got that ?
- Yes, sir. Right. - Yes, sir.
Now I swear,
the next one of you primates...
even touches me--
Now, let's talk about how I get back home.
I prithee to forgive me, m'lord.
I believed thee one of Henry's men.
First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me.
Blow.
So what's the deal ? Can you send me back or not ?
Only the Necronomicon has the power.
An unholy book which we also require.
Within its pages are passages that can send you back to your time.
Only you, The Promised One, can quest for it.
I don't want your book. I don't want your bullshit.
Just send me back to my own time. Pronto, today, chop--
- You shall die !
You shall never obtain the Necronomicon !
We shall feast upon your souls !
Oh !
- It's a trick. Get an axe.
- Guards, stop it !
- Catch the witch ! - Death to the witch !
Have some porridge !
Ah, my eyes ! I'm blind ! Oh, God, I'm blind !
No, don't !
Yo, she-bitch.
- Let's go.
Ya-hoo !
Hee-ya !
- Hee-ya !
If the Necronomicon fell into the hands of the Deadites,
all mankind will be consumed by this evil.
Now will thou quest for the book ?
That one.
Hee-ya !
Groovy.
What's the matter ? You raised in a barn ? Shut the door.
Probably was raised in a barn with all the other primitives.
The wise men say that thou art The Promised One.
'Tis said that thou wilt journey for the book to help us,
and that thou wilt lead our people against the evil.
The only reason I'm going to get the book is to get home.
I believe that thou wilt be leaving in the morning.
Don't touch that, please. Your primitive intellect...
wouldn't understand alloys and compositions...
and things with molecular structures in the--
What are you doin' here anyway ?
I wanted to say that all of my--
all of my hopes and prayers go with you,
and I made this for thee.
Good, I could use a horse blanket.
Gimme some sugar, baby.
Hyah ! Come on, boy !
Hyah !
Hyah !
- Steady now. Whoa.
What ? What is it ?
This path will lead you to an unholy place.
A cemetery. There, the Necronomicon awaits.
When thou retrievest the book from its cradle, you must recite the words,
"Klaatu barada nikto."
Klaatu barada nikto. Okay.
Well, repeat them.
- Klaatu barada nikto. - Again !
I got it, I got it ! I know your damn words, all right ?
Now you get this straight, the both of you.
If I get that book, you send me back.
After that, I'm history. Hyah !
What is it, boy ?
Hyah ! Come on !
Hyah ! Come on !
Aah ! Come on !
Come on, you !
Hey, let's scare this guy good ! Come on.
Ramming speed !
Ooh !
Ready, aim, fire !
- Ooh ! - Get away !
Whoa !
- Oh, God ! Oh, no ! - Oh--
- Oh ! - You lousy little--
Oh, no !
Ooh, no ! Oh, my !
Uh, ooh, aah !
- Lift up ! - Oh, ooh-hoo-ha !
- Ooh, aah !
Aah-ha-ha !
Heh heh heh-heh-- Whoa !
## London Bridge is falling down #
# Falling down #
# Falling down #
- # My fair lady ## Ha !
Ooh !
Is he up ? How is he ?
Hey, he's gettin' up.
Hmm, what a horrible nightmare.
Wait a minute. Oh, God !
I can't move !
Aah !
- And go ! - Open wide.
Geronimo !
- Hooray ! - Hooray !
- Ah !
Okay, little fella. How about some hot chocolate, huh ?
How'd you like the taste of that, huh ?
How'd you like the ta--
Aah, uh, ugh, oh !
Ah ! Oh !
Let me out !
Oh, dear God, it's growing bigger !
Ooh, ooh, I'm blind. I'm blind. Bleh.
Yip, yip, yah !
Oh, hey ! Where are you takin' me ? Uh, oh, ooh !
What are you ?
Are you me ?
I'm bad Ash, and you're good Ash.
You're goody little two-shoes.
## You're goody little two-shoes goody little two-shoes #
# Little goody two-shoes Little goody two-shoes #
# Little goody two-shoes Little goody two-shoes Little goody two-shoes #
- Ow !
# Little goody two-shoes ##
Aah !
Good, bad. I'm the guy with the gun.
That'll teach you. Yeah, that'll teach you.
You shall never retrieve the Necronomicon !
You'll die in the graveyard before you get it !
- What's that you got on your face ? - Huh ?
I'll come back for you !
- Hyah !
Come on, boy !
Hyah !
Three books ?
Wait a minute. Hold it.
Nobody said anything about three books.
L-Like what am I supposed to do ?
Take one book, or all books, or, or what ?
Well.
Whoa. Wrong book.
Ow !
Aah ! Ooh !
Ooh ! Ooh, you !
I'll get back to you.
Well...
Well...
seems fairly obvious.
Ooh, wait a minute. The words. All right, all right, all right.
Say the words.
Klaatu... barada...
Iu--
necktie.
Nectar, n-- nickel.
Noodle. It's an "N" word.
It's definitely an "N" word.
It's definitely an "N" word.
Klaatu barada n--
Okay, then. That's it.
Hey. Wait a minute.
Everything's cool. I said the words. I did !
- Oh ! Oh ! No, wait ! Oh !
E=mc2
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