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Filthy, Rich and Catflap 01x03

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Eurgh.
Let me see, let me see.
Ah, the groaning board, the teeming table,
the endless variety of God's bounty.
Cheffing is a truly perfect art,
far above mere painting or sculpture.
You can't eat a sheet of canvas or a lump of rock.
I don't know. You could if you were drunk and had enough ketchup.
- Morning, Richie. - Do my senses deceive me?
Has Eddie Catflap emerged from the arms of Morpheus
or perhaps an elephant has blown off?
No. Right first time. It is I, smelly Eddie.
To whiff him is to love him.
Ready for anything, as long as it's alcoholic.
- Morning, Richie. - Where's my shopping list?
Gas mask.
Now then, shall we have seven courses or eight?
Don't want do look ostentatious.
But don't want to look like a bloody pauper.
Better make it 12.
We could be like the Romans and throw up between courses.
Why should they get the credit for that idea?
I've been doing it for years.
Morning, Richie.
Twelve gas masks,
clothes peg for nose, smelling salts
and a ticket to Australia to get away from Eddie's whiff.
- I said, morning, Richie! - Ah!
I got you, then, didn't I? I got you.
Morning, Eddie. I trust you slept well?
Fantastic. A truly great sleep.
On the scale of one to five -
5,429,562.
Sleeping face down in the toilet is conducive to restful slumber?
And why shouldn't I sleep in the lavatory? You wet the bed.
Once. I had a nightmare that I was ordinary and untalented
and there was a momentary aberration.
It's a sign of an extra-vivid subconscious.
It's a sign of an extra-drippy tiddler.
Eddie, I was having a nightmare that I was a pleb.
It was a horrifying experience.
I remember the night so well.
I awoke to hear Richie screaming into the middle of the night.
"Ah. " His heart-rending sobs echoing round the house.
Why, you wept like a soul in torment.
I rushed in to find poor, frightened Richie
shivering, terrified, white, sitting in a puddle.
- Yes, and what did you do? - I don't remember.
You switched on my electric blanket.
Only to take your mind off the nightmare.
You completely electrocuted my love truncheon.
Love truncheon?
Love pencil, more like. Well, love pin, actually.
Eddie, what's this?
- I don't know. - It's one of my scary looks.
Is it really?
My intimidating frown. So you just watch out.
Has the hair grown back yet?
Your love blobs looked like Yul Brynner snogging Kojak.
I'm not prepared to rise to it. Your spite and venom offends me not.
- Baldy blobs. - Right, that's it.
That is it. I hope you've got a good lawyer,
because I am suing and you're going to prison forever.
Hello, Filthy? Yeah, it's Richie here. I wanna sue Eddie.
Richie Rich. Your client.
I'm five foot ten, brown hair... Look, it's not important.
My minder, Edward, says that I've got bald love blobs and I want to sue.
Have I? Well, they're not so much bald as receding.
I'd put a wig on them for the trial.
Bloodsucker, what do I pay you for?
I know I don't, it was a rhetorical question. Goodbye forever!
He was furious.
But I persuaded him to give you a chance.
Shut up and tell me why you are wearing a hat
that makes you look like you've got a toilet roll on your head.
Because, Eddie, I have taken up the skillet and the frying pan.
I've been studying cookery all morning and I am now a master chef.
- That's why I'm wearing this great hat. - You look like a chicken drumstick.
Ha ha! Wrong again because, actually, I look great.
- We are having a dinner party. - Oh-hoo.
Eight for 8:30.
The food, the fine wine, the...
the little chocolatey, minty thingies.
- Who's coming? - Some close personal friends.
Oh, dear. The man from the dirty mag shop and wino Bill. Again.
You really are insanely jealous, aren't you, Edward?
I keep forgetting you're not in the biz, are you?
The huge galaxy of showbiz stars are all brothers and sisters to me.
Tarby, for instance, is bound to accept.
Especially after the brilliant invitations I sent out.
"The years and the tears.
"Celebrate Richie Rich's ten fabulous years of success. "
How sad.
From third dummy on Are You Being Served?
To his very own carpet ad.
I am not sitting at the same table as Tarby and that's that.
No, Eddie, no, no. We're talking about Jimmy Tarbuck.
The cheeky chap from the 'pool.
Everybody's pal. The gap-toothed Scouser
with a twinkle and a smile for every Englishman.
Look, if there's one thing I hate in British entertainment more than you,
it's that vast army of ex-stand-up comics
who did one half-funny gag on Sunday Night At The London Palladium
and have made a fortune doing game shows ever since.
"Oh, good evening, and your name is Cynthia
"and you'd like me to patronise and humiliate you
"on the off chance of winning a teasmade. "
Cheeky chappies? Complete and utter bastards, if you ask me.
Well, I don't think anyone will be asking you, will they?
Tarby is just a simple jester.
An honest broker from the bank of smiles.
I was only saying so to Marti Caine, before her last trip to South Africa.
So keep your embittered, communistic treason to yourself
during tonight's intercourse with Tarby and friends.
I am not having intercourse with Tarby and that's final.
What a surprise! Four minutes into the episode
and he delivers the most tortuous double entendre ever.
It was a great gag.
- Social intercourse, Eddie, social. - Oh, phew.
We shall talk about subjects far above your head.
Poetry,
fine art,
golf.
That reminds me, I must bone up on Tarby's book of golfing anecdotes.
They are the greatest work of Eng lit since Dick.
- Oo-er. - Dick-ens, Eddie. Dick-ens.
Oo-er.
There's only one thing I hate more than golfing anecdotes and it's this.
It's a close run thing, though.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
This is brilliant stuff, it's classic, classic, classic.
Well done, Tarby. Oh.
Oh, listen to this one.
Listen, listen, listen. Shut up.
"Lynchy and I had taken time off and flown to Spain
"with Greavsie and Parky and Tom O'Connory
- "to play golf with Lesie. " - Lesie?
- Yeah. - Playing golf with lesbians.
Fantastic. Do you think Tarbuck's a feminist, then?
Lesie Crowthery, Eddie, Lesie Crowthery.
Just another one of the great guys
that make up my showbiz gang that I belong to and you don't.
Now, shut up, I'm telling you the great anecdote.
- "Lynchy lined up to tee off. " - I wish you'd tee off
and let me smoke my fags in peace.
"Lynchy lined up to tee off and said to me,
"'Gosh, Tarbo, we swigged so much pop last night,
"'being great guys together and such great big showbiz mates,
"'that I bet I miss this next shot. '
"And blow me down but he did. He missed it. "
Oh, oh, oh. Ha ha ha ha.
Oh, ha ha!
Oh, touché, Tarby. Oh, that was brilliant.
No, the same thing has happened to me fumfty times.
We-hell. I can see it's gonna be a scintillating evening
with everyone cracking brillo gags like that one.
Yeah. Hey.
Maybe there's a series in it.
Dinner At Richie's. An ultra-sophis chat show.
Good evening. This is the BBC.
Tonight, Sir Richie Rich will be talking to the Queen, the Pope
and, of course, the Tarby.
It'd be a disaster. You'd get drunk
and make a pass at the Pope for wearing a dress.
Bloody good telly though.
So, what incredible 12 courses will you cook
for your fantastically amiable showbiz chums?
Well, we must play to our strengths, must not overreach ourselves.
- Right. - Er...
How does 12 boiled eggs sound?
Er, usually like this...
Nice gag, Eddie, and totally unexpected.
Perhaps a little sophisticated for BBC2, though.
I can just see it now. "How's the golf going, Tarbs?"
"Oh, really?"
"Do you wanna hear a stupid joke about an Irishman being stupid?"
- Can't wait. - What do you suggest, then?
You're supposed to be my friend, you freeloading parasite.
Smelly Eddie to the rescue.
When I was watching TV-am in the lav this morning,
I saw this fantast ad for a new mag called Poncy Cooking.
And when you buy part one, you get part two completely free.
That sounds like a marvellous offer and one not to be missed.
Actually, it's a clumsy setup for a gag later on.
- Oh, what a shame. - Yes.
- Let's go to the newsagent's. - Okey-dokey, diddly squat. Over we go.
Don't ever say I'm not there when I'm not needed.
You're not there when you're not needed.
Thank you.
- Ready, Eddie? - Ready-weddy.
- Let's go. - Right, then.
Blimey, the newsagent's is closer now we're in a smaller studio.
Shut up. You're spoiling the magic for everyone.
Oh. Oh, look, the newsagent.
Hello, me old darling. Yep, it's me, Richie Rich.
Don't faint. Treasure the moment.
Here's a pic. Put it in your box of precious things.
I don't understand what you're talking about.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes, I'm sure.
One of the cool type, are we?
Gonna boast to your friends?
"I met Richie Rich and pretended not to recognise him. Hee hee. "
What a sad little life you must lead.
Are you mad?
- Perhaps a little zany, yes. - Excuse me.
Do you have part one of Poncy Cooking with part two free?
- Certainly. One pound, please. - Aha.
I'm afraid I have no money
so I'll just take part two for nothing, shall I?
- You stupid slag! Come on, Richie. - One pound, please.
Er, hurr... I'll give you a mensh on me next programme.
- I shall call the police. - No, cos your part's over.
The end of your scene. Back to the dole for you.
Five lines, thank you and good night.
Well, I must say, this looks very interesting.
She's crying, you know.
That, Eddie, is the biz. It's a tough life.
It's a tough life, dearie.
I mean, look at Arthur Mullard. She used to be quite attractive.
- I still quite fancy her. - Yeah, hur-uhh.
Well, I must say. This is very interesting.
Must learn to read sometime.
Right. Sod all this health food.
When I eat, I like to dice with a heart attack.
Let's have a good English roast and a coronary thrombosis.
- Right. Let's make a shopping list. - Yeah.
Four hundred pounds of oven chips.
Right, that seems simple enough.
Better check the larder. Waste not, want not.
- Remember the poor children. - Oh, the little poor children.
Yes. With their cosy little terrace dwellings.
- A roaring fire. - Bread, cheese.
- Dripping. - Add a little love, makes a...
...meal fit for a king.
I think they're happier being poor.
Yes, or perhaps not.
Oh, well, who gives a toss anyway?
Let's check what's in the larder. Any food?
Erm, only a couple of dirty mags.
Huh? Oh, yeah.
I'm sure there's a reason why we shouldn't be doing this
but I can't put my finger on it.
Don't overtax your tiny mind. It's concentrating on breathing.
Shut up, the cheque's in the post.
Yeah, whose show is this anyway?
I'm the famous one, love. Come, let us go to the supermarket.
Right.
What a rotten shop. There's never anything you want to buy.
For example...
"Cruizos. Bite-sized cruise-missile shaped lumps of potato flavoured snack.
"Warning-will give you cancer. "
Everything gives you cancer these days.
You can't blow off without being told it's carcinogenic.
- In my case, it probably is. - Probably.
- Careful, you'll get grabbed by the dick. - Oo-er.
We mean get arrested by the store detective. It was just a pun.
We have every intention of paying for this item.
Ooh, Eddie, it'd be funny if somebody knocked that lot down.
Not particularly, no.
I'm disappointed myself.
Come, Eddie, for fruit.
It is the absolute sophis thing to offer fruit after the meal.
So refreshing and it comes in handy for the sex games.
No, not this.
Look, ridiculous.
Oh, this is disgusting. All this fruit is crushed and bruised.
I shall write to Esther Rantzen.
- Ah, the meat, Eddie. - Ha.
Load up the trolley. They'll have been playing golf
- so they'll be ready for hearty vitals. - Look at this little lamb chop.
It was probably once a pig, gambolling in the mountains.
Yeah. Doingy, doingy, doing. I could quite fancy myself as a farmer.
Well, it's a good job you do fancy yourself
cos I can't see that anyone else is going to do it.
Eddie, do you see this frozen chicken?
Er, yes.
Oh, urh.
Frozen tackle might teach you not to cheek me.
Richie Rich, do you see this frozen chicken?
- No. - I think you do.
Ha ha. Touché, Eddie.
Come on, let's go and pay for the stuff.
I've remembered why we shouldn't be here.
- We have no cash. - Eddie, I am a celebrity.
Celebrities don't need money.
- Next. - Ha ha ha. Boo!
Hello, love. It's me, Richie Rich. A-ha!
It's just cancer crunch and a trolley of meat.
I'll give you a mensh on my next prog.
£200, please.
My dear girl, you don't seem to understand.
I, Richie Rich, am offering you, nobody, a mensh on my next prog.
- Right. This requires subtle handling. - £200, please.
How does it feel to be a checkout girl
who's reached the peak of your potential?
How does it feel to know that you're a talentless git
who never even had any potential?
- I see. - £200, please.
Uh.
Stitch that.
I think you're on there. I know a come-on when I see it.
This is ridiculous.
Somebody here tell donkey face who I am.
We don't know. Who are you?
You jest. You jape. I am one of Britain's top comic talents.
- Say something funny, then. - Yeah.
If you're so funny, why don't you say something funny?
Go on, say something funny.
All right, then, I will, I will.
Erm...
Plop.
- Oh, dear. - Damn. Mistimed it.
I'll have to get the manager. Mr Forsyth!
Listen, bitch, I was once continuity link man on TVS.
I don't see why I should have to pay for my food.
Listen, dickhead-no money, no food.
Ah. Ooh.
You're the sort of girl I could fall in love with.
However, no time, because Richie?
- Yes? - Run!
- I meant through the door. - Oh, sorry.
I thought they'd never give up. Mr Forsyth had some stamina.
Safe and sound now and time to get on with my wonderful dinner party.
That's what you think. But I have been thinking.
Well, well, well, wonders will never cease.
Eddie Catflap's been thinking.
Put out some bunting. Organise a street party.
Let off some fireworks. Telephone the Queen.
Give everyone a week's holiday.
The man with no brain's been thinking.
Everybody go to the lavatory in amazement.
You don't know how you wound, Richie, you really don't.
However, no matter, because you will soon be in pris.
- Pris? - Pris-on.
You have aided and abetted a robbery
in front of Mr Forsyth and 50 mad checkout girls.
I am all right. I was just the mysteriously handsome bloke
in the huge trousers who vanished without a trace.
But you're Richie Rich.
And you'll be going to pris.
You're not all right, darling, cos I shall squeal.
Yeah, I shall sing and... and blab...
Then I might even spill a little bit.
And I shall buy a lighter sentence
with the names of my accomplices - to wit, Edward Catflap.
Then I'll have a face-lift so you can't exact your revenge.
You'd need a fork-lift truck to lift your face, matey.
At least I've got a face, not a collage of bogeys and sick.
Just cos you never get any girlfriends, you think you can take it out on me.
Me, never get any girlfriends? That's rich, you never get any girlfriends.
I was out with a girl last Wednesday.
Eddie, that was your mother.
I still got a snog.
- Snog? - More of a fight. She beat me senseless.
That must have taken at least ten seconds.
15 seconds, actually.
We're about to be sent to Devil's Island,
Tarby's coming for an important dinner party
and you're babbling on about your insane mother.
We're up plop creek with no loo brush.
- I'll telephone my agent. - Good idea, let's blame him.
Yeah. Hey, what if he won't take the rap?
Say we'll go to the papes about his "children's catalogue".
Nice thinking.
Hello, Filthy? God bless, look after Mum, drive safely.
Listen, you filthy, evil porno merchant, me and Eddie are in trouble.
Unless you take the blame,
we'll tell the world the truth about your "stage school".
Please, daughter, please. Please.
Listen, I am not a well man.
This morning, I coughed so hard I sucked my trousers up my backside.
Now, listen, Richie. Nobody needs to take the rap for this.
What you have got to get yourself is an alibi.
Don't shout, daughter. There's only so much an agent can take
after only one bottle of aspirin.
Now, look, alibis are easy.
You're a comic, right?
Well, loosely speaking, of course.
Yeah. You were doing a show.
No, no, that's easy.
All we have to do is to get you a real show tonight,
then Eddie can crawl around surreptitiously,
change the audience's watches back to the time you blagged the store.
Yes, yes, I know just the venue.
'Très chic. Très bona.
'Yeah, only the nicest young ladies need apply. '
A peepshow, Filthy? What if Tarby finds out?
I'll be thrown out of the Royal Order
of the Charitable Self-Publicising Showbiz Bog Otters.
Don't worry about the Bog Otters.
They were in here themselves half an hour ago.
They had to leave cos they run out of 50p's.
How's my boy Richie doing?
That audience are getting a bit restive at the moment,
trying to see if bouncers really do bounce.
Don't mither the act.
He's got enough to concern him, what with being crap.
You were supposed to be changing the audience's watches
while they ogled the girlies.
I was trying to but the hands are moving too quickly.
Get on with it.
Right, that's it. Richie, you're on.
God, I'm not ready. How do I look, darling?
Not good, daughter. Très, très bollocks.
- He's absolutely bloody right. - Philistines.
I'd better do my superstitions.
What are you doing?
Titch "Oo-er, madam, don't start me off" Juicy always did this before a show.
- But he was notoriously awful. - God, you're right.
Boys and girls, lads and lasses,
please welcome to the stage a very funny man indeed,
the world famous Mr, er... Richie Rich.
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
- Here we go. Break a leg. - OK.
Get off, you maniac.
Hello, hello. Shut up.
Hi, God bless and if you can't be good, be careful. Ho ho ho.
Right. It's full up in here, as the vicar said with his hand up Sam Fox's blouse.
Show us your tits.
But seriously, folks. The Good Lord gave us the gift of laughter.
- Get off! - Ha ha ha.
Thank God the likes of Tony Benn can't take that away from us,
although he'd like to.
Tell us a joke, then, you fat bastard.
I hear Arthur Scargill's blind stick lost his hairdresser.
- You have to laugh, don't you? - Not at you.
Two, three, four...
Happiness
Happiness...
Thank you. God bless you, one and all.
- Get off! - The greatest thing
That I possess...
The smile of a child, a beautiful woman,
just simply being... British.
Crap!
I thank the Lord that I've been blessed...
Let's thank the mums. Hello, mums.
Here to keep an eye on Dad, are you?
Richie, it's not going very well, is it?
...than my share of ha... ppiness
Ha ha ha.
Thank you, one and all. Happy hunting and if you can't be good, be careful.
I've done that one. Er... And if you're in a car, please drive safely.
Thank you and good night, one and all.
I love you all.
Well, tough crowd but I think I got the measure of 'em. Ooh.
They probably couldn't afford flowers.
This will do for our dinner party.
Richie, I've got some rather bad news for you.
- You're under arrest. - That's the bad news.
I wasn't that bad. I stumbled on a couple of punch lines.
It was our alibi-it collapsed. Mr Forsyth, he followed us here.
It's pris for us.
- Are you coming quietly, sir? - No, it's just the way I walk.
Note that down. I want all to know I was still cracking woofers.
Woofers or ancient double entendre
that everybody else gave up in the playground?
Oh, what a clever thing to say. How brainy you are.
Got a degree? Just cos you earn four times as much as a nurse,
you think you can cheek Richie Rich, do you?
Now, that's what I like to see.
A good, old-fashioned bobby.
Don't worry, Richie. These days, prison food is quite acceptable.
Mind you, it's not so nice when they nail you to the table
and shove it up your backside.
Well, Eddie, the long and winding road is over.
The great god, public, claims another weary showbiz victim.
Huh. Oscar Wilde, playwright, arrested for his beliefs.
Lenny Bruce, comedian, arrested for his beliefs.
Richie Rich, celebrity, arrested...
For going nicking down the local shop.
Huh! Lt'll be the trial of the century.
I shall be tried in majestic splendour by a jury of my peers.
Parky, Tarby, Lynchy, Sue Lawley.
- Annie Diamondy. - Debbie Greenwoody.
Selina Scotty, Maggie Philbiny.
Bloody hell, what a fantastic jury.
We might be on for a sex sesh after the trial.
Too right except you won't be there, cos you'll be in pris.
I'll be all right. I'm gonna plead insanity.
Damn. Let's face it. You've got the evidence.
Let me out! I need a lawyer! I want my lawyer!
- Oh. - Don't shout, Richie.
It oscillates the atmos and rattles my phlegm.
- I've found you a lawyer. - Oh.
Met him outside. Known him for years.
Spurty.
- Pervy Sir Peter Spurty, QC. - Mm.
Bit of luck him being here, really.
He'll get anyone off if you buy him a dirty mag.
Remember when the Tory cabinet were found
in that brothel discussing declining moral values?
Clear as a bell.
Pervy Sir Peter Spurty got them off.
Right. He's the man for us.
Bring us our lawyer! We demand Pervy Sir Pete.
- In there, Spurty. - Blimey, that was quick.
Well done the police, say I.
Why do left-wingers keep sniping at them?
If you don't wanna get beaten up, you shouldn't be poor.
Richie, shut up. Watcha, Spurty.
Me and my mate are in a bit of a fix
and are gonna do five to ten in the slammer
unless you can stitch the jury, rig the judge
and buy off the pigs with a kickback.
Eddie. Please, please, please.
This is England, Eddie. England.
Not Birmingham.
The British bobby cannot be bought.
- You, shut your face. - Sorry.
- What are you offering? - Nothing. You must speak to my lawyer.
What, old pervy Spurty? Ho-ho-ho! Ha-ha-ha!
Right now, everything seems to be in order here.
I would stand by you, Richie, but lost causes depress me.
Toodly-woodly.
Right, Spurty, do your stuff.
Your Honour, I wandered into a garden,
under the impression it was my garden.
On seeing items of women's laundry hanged on the line,
I naturally assumed that my wife had done some washing
and I began to get it in for her.
The fact that I live in a high-rise flat and am not married
is circumstantial evidence and, hence, inadmissible.
Right. Well, we'd better escape.
Against Leon Brittan's law and order initiative? Never!
No choice. The meat is in my trousers, Tarby is coming round
to hear his golfing anecdote and you're banged up in the slammer.
Don't be disgusting. I've never been banged up the slammer.
You're right. We've gotta escape.
I have a plan. What we have to do is set up a complicated system of stooges
to find out exactly what the guards are up to.
Then, we dig three tunnels and hide the dirt in our trousers.
We forge some German documents
and make the clothes of French peasant workers out of these blankets.
It's a great night for dying!
Then we wheel the wooden horse into the exercise yard,
we build a glider and we pole vault over the fence.
- What do you think? - Pathetic.
- Let's do it, then. - Yeah.
I'm sorry I doubted you. Your plan worked brilliantly.
Yes. Shame about old Spurty getting shot by the Gestapo.
No, the SPG, Eddie, the SPG. Not the Gestapo.
They're completely different things. The Gestapo, er...
- speak German. - Ah, yes.
We're all right. That's what matters.
Of course, Eddie. Safe and sound at home.
Perhaps now I can prepare for my fantastic dinner party.
Empty the big trousers.
Okey-dokey, me old spunky cock sparrow.
Now then, I've invited Tarby, Lynchy, Parky, Brucie,
Tommy O'Connory and you and me. Have we sufficient comestibles?
Oo-er! I don't know about that but here's the grub.
Good Lord, how did you get so much meat in your trousers?
That's what all the girls say.
Smut is the last recourse of the emotional cripple, Eddie.
It's a psychological truism - people talk about what they can't do.
Is that why you always talk about acting, plop pants?
Perhaps there is a land beyond the oblivion of brain death
where your observations would be understood,
but to us earthlings, they are mashed potatoes.
So keep them to yourself!
Richie, it's your choice.
I can either stuff the meat into the oven,
you into the oven or the oven into you. Which is to be?
The former.
Which one was that?
- That was where the oven... - Meat...
It doesn't matter. Tarby'll be here in ten minutes
and we haven't cooked a thing. Get this stuff in the oven.
- I'll never get it all in. - Oo-er, sounds a bit rude.
Gonna need something to lever it in with.
Oo-er, sounds a bit ruder.
No matter how much I stuff in, there's more to be pushed in.
Oo-er. It sounds even ruder than it was before.
Thank you for these observations.
Every culinary exchange should be accompanied
by the rantings of a braindead vegetable.
There we are, it's alight.
Ooh, it's Tarby. Oh, God, Tarby's here.
Oh, God, it's Parky, it's Tarby, it's Lynchy.
The whole gang's here. For God's sake, don't do anything rude.
Hope I'm not late, loobies. I bought you a bottle of wine
but I drunk it in the taxi.
Oh, God, I'd forgotten I'd invited you, Filthy.
You won't impress my showbiz friends.
I'd be impressed if you had any friends.
Right, that's it. Your invitation's withdrawn. Go away.
Oh, go on, daughter, do me a favour.
Where's your sense of humour?
- Only a bijou jokette. - Oh, joke, oh.
Of course I'll impress your friends.
We'll make a bona little team.
The financial artiste.
The theatrical artiste.
And the piss artist.
It's going to be a truly magical evening.
Blimey, those candles burned down fast.
Oh, keep it to yourself, Eddie. Much time has passed.
I'm swathed in melancholic pathos.
- Oo-er. - Shut up, Eddie.
I think you've been stood up, Richie.
Oo-er.
Oh, shut up, Eddie.
After all I've done. A show in a peepshow,
robbed a supermarket, been to prison and the rotters haven't even turned up.
Fate deals me blow after blow.
Oo-er.
What time did you put on the invites, love?
Eight o'clock. Look, I've got 'em here.
Tarby's, Brucie's, Lynchy's and...
I forgot to post the invites.
Dinner is served.
Face 2004
Facing Window 2003
Fahrenheit 451 (1966)
Fahrenheit 911 CD1
Fahrenheit 911 CD2
Fail Safe
Failan CD1
Failan CD2
Fallen
Fallen Angels 1995
Falls The CD1
Falls The CD2
Fame
Family Guy 01x01 - Death Has a Shadow
Family Guy 01x02 - I Never Met the Dead Man
Family Guy 01x03 - Chitty Chitty Death Bang
Family Guy 01x04 - Mind Over Murder
Family Guy 01x05 - A Hero Sits Next Door
Family Guy 01x06 - The Son Also Draws
Family Guy 01x07 - Brian Portrait of a Dog
Family Guy 01x08 - Peter Peter Caviar Eater
Family Guy 01x09 - Running Mates
Family Guy 01x10 - Holy Crap
Family Guy 01x11 - If Im Dyin Im Lyin
Family Guy 01x12 - Love Thy Trophy
Family Guy 01x13 - Death Is A Bitch
Family Guy 01x14 - The King Is Dead
Family Guy 03x01 - The Thin White Line
Family Guy 03x02 - Brian Does Hollywood
Family Guy 03x03 - Mr Griffin Goes To Washington
Family Guy 03x04 - One If By Clam, Two If By Sea
Family Guy 03x05 - And The Weiner Is
Family Guy 03x06 - Death Lives
Family Guy 03x07 - Lethal Weapons
Family Guy 03x08 - The Kiss Seen Around The World
Family Guy 03x09 - Mr Saturday Knight
Family Guy 03x10 - A Fish Out Of Water
Family Guy 03x11 - Emission Impossible
Family Man The
Family Viewing 1987
Fando y Lis
Fanfan le tulipe 2003
Fantasia (2004)
Fantomas Contre Scotland Yard
Far From Heaven
Far Off Place A 1993
Far away so close (1993) CD1
Far away so close (1993) CD2
Farewell Home sweet Home (Otar Iosseliani 1999)
Fargo - 1996 CD1 25fps
Fargo - 1996 CD2 25fps
Farscape - 1x01 - Premiere
Farscape - 1x02 - I ET
Farscape - 1x03 - Exodus From Genesis
Farscape - 1x04 - Throne for a Loss
Farscape - 1x05 - Back and Back and Back to the Future
Farscape - 1x06 - Thank God Its Friday Again
Farscape - 1x07 - PK Tech Girl
Farscape - 1x08 - That Old Black Magic
Farscape - 1x09 - DNA Mad Scientist
Farscape - 1x10 - Theyve Got a Secret
Farscape - 1x11 - Till the Blood Runs Clear
Farscape - 1x12 - Rhapsody In Blue
Farscape - 1x13 - The Flax
Farscape - 1x14 - Jeremiah Crichton
Farscape - 1x15 - Durka Returns
Farscape - 1x16 - A Human Reaction
Farscape - 1x17 - Through The Looking Glass
Farscape - 1x18 - A Bugs Life
Farscape - 1x19 - Nerve
Farscape - 1x20 - The Hidden Memory
Farscape - 1x21 - Bone To Be Wild
Farscape - 1x22 - Family Ties
Farscape - 2x01 - Mind The Baby
Farscape - 2x02 - Vitas Mortis
Farscape - 2x03 - Talking The Stone
Farscape - 2x04 - Crackers Dont Matter
Farscape - 2x05 - The Way We Werent
Farscape - 2x06 - Picture If You Will
Farscape - 2x07 - Home On The Remains
Farscape - 2x08 - Dream A Little Dream
Farscape - 2x09 - Out Of Their Minds
Farscape - 2x10 - My Three Crichtons
Farscape - 2x11 - Look At The Princess I - A Kiss Is But A Kiss
Farscape - 2x12 - Look At The Princess II - I Do I Think
Farscape - 2x13 - Look At The Princess III - The Maltese Crichton
Farscape - 2x14 - Beware Of Dog
Farscape - 2x15 - Wont Get Fooled Again
Farscape - 2x16 - The Locket
Farscape - 2x17 - The Ugly Truth
Farscape - 2x18 - A Clockwork Nebari
Farscape - 2x19 - Liars Guns and Money I - A Not So Simple Plan
Farscape - 2x20 - Liars Guns and Money II - With Friends Like These
Farscape - 2x21 - Liars Guns and Money III - Plan B
Farscape - 2x22 - Die Me Dichotomy
Farscape - 3x01 - Season Of Death
Farscape - 3x02 - Suns And Lovers
Farscape - 3x03 - Self Inflicted Wounds I - Coulda Woulda Shoulda
Farscape - 3x04 - Self Inflicted Wounds II - Wait For The Wheel
Farscape - 3x05 - Different Destinations
Farscape - 3x06 - Eat Me
Farscape - 3x07 - Thanks For Sharing
Farscape - 3x08 - Green Eyed Monster
Farscape - 3x09 - Losing Time
Farscape - 3x10 - Relativity
Farscape - 3x11 - Incubator
Farscape - 3x12 - Meltdown
Farscape - 3x13 - Scratch N Sniff
Farscape - 3x14 - Infinite Possibilities I - Daedalus Demands
Farscape - 3x15 - Infinite Possibilities II - Icarus Abides
Farscape - 3x16 - Revenging Angel
Farscape - 3x17 - The Choice
Farscape - 3x18 - Fractures
Farscape - 3x19 - I-Yensch You-Yensch
Farscape - 3x20 - Into The Lions Den I - Lambs To The Slaugher
Farscape - 3x21 - Into The Lions Den II - Wolf In Sheeps Clothing
Farscape - 3x22 - Dog With Two Bones
Farscape - 4x01 - Crichton Kicks
Farscape - 4x02 - What Was Lost (Part 1) - Sacrifice
Farscape - 4x03 - What Was Lost (Part 2) - Resurrection
Farscape - 4x04 - Lavas A Many Splendored Thing
Farscape - 4x05 - Promises
Farscape - 4x06 - Natural Election
Farscape - 4x07 - John Quixote
Farscape - 4x08 - I Shrink Therefore I Am
Farscape - 4x09 - A Prefect Murder
Farscape - 4x10 - Coup By Clam
Farscape - 4x11 - Unrealized Reality (Part 1)
Farscape - 4x12 - Kansas (Part 2)
Farscape - 4x13 - Terra Firma (Part 3)
Farscape - 4x14 - Twice Shy
Farscape - 4x15 - Mental As Anything
Farscape - 4x16 - Bringing Home The Beacon
Farscape - 4x17 - A Constellation Of Doubt
Farscape - 4x18 - Prayer
Farscape - 4x19 - We are So Screwed - Fetal Attraction (Part 1)
Farscape - 4x20 - We are So Screwed - Hot To Katratzi (Part 2)
Farscape - 4x21 - We are So Screwed - La Bomba (Part 3)
Farscape - 4x22 - Bad Timing
Farscape - The Peacekeeper Wars (Part 1)
Farscape - The Peacekeeper Wars (Part 2)
Fast And Furious
Fat Choi Spirit
Fata Morgana
Fate Ignoranti Le
Father of a Soldier (Rezo Chkheidze 1964)
Father of the Bride
Fawlty Towers
Fear Dot Com
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Fear of Fear (Rainer Werner Fassbinder 1975)
Feed the Kitty (1952)
Fellowship of the Ring The
Female Convict Scorpion Beast Stable 1973 Shunya Ito
Female Prisoner 701 Scorpion 1972
Femme Fatale (2002)
Fiances The 1962
Fierce Creatures (1997)
Fight Club CD1
Fight Club CD2
Fighter in the Wind
Fighting Fish 2004
Fille Sur La Pont La
Filles Uniques 2003
Film That Was Never Made A
Filthy, Rich and Catflap 01x01
Filthy, Rich and Catflap 01x02
Filthy, Rich and Catflap 01x03
Filthy, Rich and Catflap 01x04
Filthy, Rich and Catflap 01x05
Filthy, Rich and Catflap 01x06
Final Countdown The 1980 CD1
Final Countdown The 1980 CD2
Final Destination - New Line Platinum Series
Final Fantasy
Final Friday The - Jason Goes To Hell 25fps
Final Insult The
Final Nightmare The
Finders Fee (Jeff Probst 2001)
Finding Forrester 2000
Finding Nemo
Fire in the Sky
Firefly - Serenity (pilot)
Firefly 1x01 - The train job
Firefly 1x02 - Bushwhacked
Firefly 1x03 - Shindig
Firefly 1x04 - Safe
Firefly 1x05 - Our mrs Reynolds
Firefly 1x06 - Jaynestown
Firefly 1x07 - Out of gas
Firefly 1x08 - Ariel
Firefly 1x09 - War stories
Firefly 1x10 - Trash
Firefly 1x11 - The message
Firefly 1x12 - Heart of gold
Firefly 1x13 - Objects in space
Firelight
Firemens Ball The 1967
First Great Train Robbery The 1978 CD1
First Great Train Robbery The 1978 CD2
First Men In The Moon 1964
First Power The
Fish Called Wanda A
Fisher King The
Fistful Of Dollars A
Fistful of Dynamite A CD1
Fistful of Dynamite A CD2
Five Easy Pieces 1970 CD1
Five Easy Pieces 1970 CD2
Fiza
Flash Gordon CD1
Flash Gordon CD2
Fled
Flesh and Blood CD1
Flesh and Blood CD2
Fletch
Flight Of The Intruder CD1 1991
Flight Of The Intruder CD2 1991
Flipper (1996) CD1
Flipper (1996) CD2
Flower of the Arabian Nights 1974 CD1
Flower of the Arabian Nights 1974 CD2
Flubber 1997 CD1
Flubber 1997 CD2
Fly Away Home
Fly The (Kurt Neumann 1958)
Fog of war The 2003 limited theatrical version
For A Few Dollars More 1965
For Scent-imental Reasons (1949)
Foreigner The
Fourth Man
Frankenfish 2004
Frankenstrom
Frankenstrom 2001
Frantic (1988)
Frasier 01x01 - The Good Son
Frasier 01x02 - Space Quest
Frasier 01x03 - Dinner At Eight
Frasier 01x04 - I Hate Frasier Crane
Frasier 01x05 - Heres Looking At You
Frasier 01x06 - The Crucible
Frasier 01x07 - Call Me Irresponsible
Frasier 01x08 - Beloved Infidel
Frasier 01x09 - Selling Out
Frasier 01x10 - Oops
Frasier 01x12 - Miracle On Third Or Fourth Street
Frasier 02x01 - Slow Tango in South Seattle
Frasier 02x02 - The Unkindest Cut of All
Frasier 02x03 - Commentary by Director David Lee and Writer Joe Keenan
Frasier 02x03 - The Matchmaker
Frasier 02x04 - Flour Child
Frasier 02x05 - Dukes We Hardly Knew You
Frasier 02x06 - The Botched Language of Cranes
Frasier 02x07 - The Candidate
Frasier 02x08 - Adventures in Paradise Part 1
Frasier 02x09 - Adventures in Paradise Part 2
Frasier 02x10 - Burying a Grudge
Frasier 02x11 - Seat of Power
Frasier 02x12 - Roz in the Doghouse
Frasier 02x13 - Retirement is Murder
Frasier 02x14 - Fool Me Once Shame on You Fool Me Twice
Frasier 02x15 - You Scratch My Book
Frasier 02x16 - The Show Where Sam Shows Up
Frasier 02x17 - Daphnes Room
Frasier 02x18 - The Club
Frasier 02x19 - Someone to Watch Over Me
Frasier 02x20 - Breaking the Ice
Frasier 02x21 - An Affair to Forget
Frasier 02x22 - Agents In America Part 3
Frasier 02x23 - The Innkeepers
Frasier 02x24 - Dark Victory
Freddys Revenge A
Fredrikssons Fabrikk
Free Willy 1993
Free Willy 2 - The Adventure Home
Free Willy 3 - The Rescue
Freeway (Sous-titres)
French Connection II (1975)
French Connection The
Frenzy (1972)
Fresh (1994)
Fresh Bait 1995
Friday
Friday Night (2002)
Friday the 13th
Friday the 13th Part 8
Friends - 02x03 - the one where heckles dies
Friends - 02x09 - the one with with phoebes dad
Friends - 02x11 - the one with the lesbian wedding
Friends - 02x13 - the one after the superbowl part 2
Friends - 02x15 - the one where ross and rachel you know
Friends - 02x16 - the one where joey moves out
Friends - 02x18 - the one where dr ramoray dies
Friends - 02x20 - the one where old yeller dies
Friends - 02x22 - the one with two parties
Friends - 02x24 - the one with barry and mindys wedding
Friends - 10x01 - TOW After Joey And Rachel Kiss
Friends - 10x02 - TOW Where Ross Is Fine
Friends - 10x03 - TOW Ross Tan
Friends - 10x04 - TOW the cake
Friends - 10x05 - TOW Rachels Sister Babysits
Friends - 10x06 - TOW Rosss Grant
Friends - 10x07 - TOW The Home Study
Friends - 10x08 - TOW the late Thanksgiving
Friends - 10x09 - TOW the birth mother
Friends - 10x10 - TOW Chandler Gets Caught
Friends - 10x11 - TOW The Stripper Cries
Friends - 10x12 - TOW Phoebes Wedding
Friends - 10x13 - TOW Joey Speaks French
Friends - 10x14 - TOW Princess Consuela
Friends - 3 22 - The One With the Screamer
Friends - 3x01 - The One With the Princess Leia Fantasy
Friends - 3x02 - The One Where No Ones Ready
Friends - 3x03 - The One With the Jam
Friends - 3x04 - The One With the Metaphorical Tunnel
Friends - 3x05 - The One With Frank Jr
Friends - 3x06 - The One With the Flashback
Friends - 3x07 - The One With the Race Car Bed
Friends - 3x08 - The One With the Giant Poking Device
Friends - 3x09 - The One With the Football
Friends - 3x10 - The One Where Rachel Quits
Friends - 3x11 - The One Where Chandler Cant Remember
Friends - 3x12 - The One With All the Jealousy
Friends - 3x13 - The One Where Monica and Richard
Friends - 3x14 - The One With Phoebes Ex-Partner
Friends - 3x15 - The One Where Ross and Rachel Take
Friends - 3x16 - The One the Morning After
Friends - 3x17 - The One Without the Ski Trip
Friends - 3x18 - The One With the Hypnosis Tape
Friends - 3x19 - The One With the Tiny T-Shirt
Friends - 3x20 - The One With the Dollhouse
Friends - 3x21 - The One With a Chick and a Duck
Friends - 3x22 - The One With the Screamer
Friends - 3x23 - The One With Rosss Thing
Friends - 3x24 - The One With Ultimate Fighting Champ
Friends - 3x25 - The One at the Beach
Friends - 4x01 - The One With the Jellyfish
Friends - 4x02 - The One With the Cat
Friends - 4x03 - The One With the Cuffs
Friends - 4x04 - The One With the Ballroom Dancing
Friends - 4x05 - The One With Joeys New Girlfriend
Friends - 4x06 - The One With the Dirty Girl
Friends - 4x07 - The One Where Chandler Crosses
Friends - 4x08 - The One With Chandler in a Box
Friends - 4x09 - The One Where They are Going
Friends - 4x10 - The One With the Girl from
Friends - 4x11 - The One With Phoebes Uterus
Friends - 4x12 - The One With the Embryos
Friends - 4x13 - The One With Rachels Crush
Friends - 4x14 - The One With Joeys Dirty Day
Friends - 4x15 - The One With All the Rugby
Friends - 4x16 - The One With the Fake Party
Friends - 4x17 - The One With the Free Porn
Friends - 4x18 - The One With Rachels New Dress
Friends - 4x19 - The One With All the Haste
Friends - 4x20 - The One With All the Wedding Dresses
Friends - 4x21 - The One With the Invitation
Friends - 4x22 - The One With the Worst Best Man Ever
Friends - 4x23 - The One With Rosss Wedding - part 1
Friends - 4x24 - The One With Rosss Wedding - part 2
Friends - 5x01 - The One After Ross Says Rachel
Friends - 5x02 - The One With All the Kissing
Friends - 5x03 - The One Hundreth
Friends - 5x04 - The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS
Friends - 5x05 - The One With the Kips
Friends - 5x06 - The One With the Yeti
Friends - 5x07 - The One Where Ross Moves In
Friends - 5x08 - The One With All the Thanksgivins
Friends - 5x09 - The One With Rosss Sandwich
Friends - 5x10 - The One With the Inappropiate Sister
Friends - 5x11 - The One With All the Resolutions
Friends - 5x12 - The One With Chandlers Work Laugh
Friends - 5x13 - The One With Joeys Bag
Friends - 5x14 - The One Where Everyone Finds Out
Friends - 5x15 - The One With the Girl Who Hits Joey
Friends - 5x16 - The One With the Cop
Friends - 5x17 - The One With Rachels
Friends - 5x18 - The One Where Rachel Smokes
Friends - 5x19 - The One Where Ross Cant Flirt
Friends - 5x20 - The One With the Ride-Along
Friends - 5x21 - The One With the Ball
Friends - 5x22 - The One With Joeys Big Break
Friends - 5x23 - The One in Vegas
Friends - 6x01 - The One After Vegas
Friends - 6x02 - The One Where Ross Hugs Rachel
Friends - 6x03 - The One With Rosss Denial
Friends - 6x04 - The One Where Joey Loses His
Friends - 6x05 - The One With Joeys Porsche
Friends - 6x06 - The One On the Last Night
Friends - 6x07 - The One Where Phoebe Runs
Friends - 6x08 - The One With Rosss Teeth
Friends - 6x15
Friends 7x01 - The One with Monicas Thunder
Friends 7x02 - The One With Rachels Book
Friends 7x03 - The One With Phoebes Cookies
Friends 7x04 - The One With Rachels Assistant
Friends 7x05 - The One With The Engagement Picture
Friends 7x06 - The One With The Nap Partners
Friends 7x07 - The One with Rosss Library Book
Friends 7x08 - The One Where Chandler Doesnt Like Dogs
Friends 7x09 - The One With All the Candy
Friends 7x10 - The One With The Holiday Armadillo
Friends 7x11 - The One With All The Cheesecakes
Friends 7x12 - The One Where They are Up All Night
Friends 7x13 - The One Where Rosita Dies
Friends 7x14 - The One Where They All Turn Thirty
Friends 7x15 - The One With Joeys New Brain
Friends 7x16 - The One With the Truth About London
Friends 7x17 - The One With the Cheap Wedding Dress
Friends 7x18 - The One With Joeys Award
Friends 7x19 - The One With Ross and Monicas Cousin
Friends 7x20 - The One With Rachels Kisses
Friends 7x21 - The One With the Vows
Friends 7x22 - The One With Chandlers Dad
Friends 7x23 - The One With Monica and Chandlers Wedding Part 1
Friends 7x24 - The One With Monica and Chandlers Wedding Part 2
Friends 9x01 - The One Where No One Proposes
Friends 9x02 - The One Where Emma Cries
Friends 9x03 - The One With The Pediatrician
Friends 9x04 - The One With The Sharks
Friends 9x05 - The One With Phoebes Birthday Dinner
Friends 9x06 - The One With The Male Nanny
Friends 9x07 - The One With Rosss Inappropriate Song
Friends 9x08 - The One With Rachels Other Sister
Friends 9x09 - The One With Rachels Phone Number
Friends 9x10 - The One With Christmas In Tulsa
Friends 9x11 - The One Where Rachel Goes Back To Work
Friends 9x12 - The One With Phoebes Rats
Friends 9x13 - The One Where Monica Sings
Friends 9x14 - The One With The Blind Dates
Friends 9x15 - The One With The Mugging
Friends 9x16 - The One With The Boob Job
Friends 9x17 - The One With The Memorial Service
Friends 9x18 - The One With The Lottery
Friends 9x19 - The One With Rachels Dream
Friends 9x20 - The One With The Soap Opera Party
Friends 9x21 - The One With The Fertility Test
Friends 9x22 - The One With The Donor
Friends 9x23-24 - The One In Barbados 1 2)
Frisson des vampires Le
From Beijing with love
From Dusk Till Dawn
From Dusk Till Dawn 3 The Hangmans Daughter
From Hell
From Justin To Kelly (Special Edition)
Frontera La
Frusta e il corpo La
Fucking Amal
Fudoh The New Generation 1996
Fugitive The - The Chase Continues
Fugitives (2000)
Fukssvansen (Chop Chop)
Full Frontal 2002
Full Metal Jacket
Full Time Killer
Fun Movie (2002 Korean) CD1
Fun Movie (2002 Korean) CD2
Fun in Acapulco (Richard Thorpe 1963)
Funeral Parade of Roses
Funeral in Berlin
Funny Girl
Fuochi dArtifizio
Furia (2002)
Fury The (1978)
Futurama 1x01 - Space Pilot 3000
Futurama 1x02 - The Series Has Landed
Futurama 1x03 - I Roommate
Futurama 1x04 - Loves Labors Lost in Space
Futurama 1x05 - Fear of a Bot Planet
Futurama 1x06 - A Fishful of Dollars
Futurama 1x07 - My Three Suns
Futurama 1x08 - A Big Piece of Garbage
Futurama 1x09 - Hell is Other Robots
Futurama 2x01 - A Flight to Remember
Futurama 2x02 - Mars University
Futurama 2x03 - When Aliens Attack
Futurama 2x04 - Fry and the Slurm Factory
Futurama 3x01 - Amazon Women in the Mood
Futurama 3x02 - Parasites Lost
Futurama 3x03 - A Tale of Two Santas
Futurama 3x04 - The Luck of the Fryrish
Futurama 3x05 - The Birdbot of Ice-catraz
Futurama 3x06 - Bendless Love
Futurama 3x07 - The Day the Earth Stood Stupid
Futurama 3x08 - Thats Lobstertainment
Futurama 3x09 - The Cyber House Rules
Futurama 3x10 - Insane in the Mainframe
Futurama 3x10 - Where The Buggalo Roam
Futurama 3x12 - The Route of All Evil
Futurama 3x13 - Bendin in the Wind
Futurama 3x14 - Time Keeps on Slippin
Futurama 3x15 - I Dated a Robot
Futurama 3x16 - A Leela of Her Own
Futurama 3x17 - A Pharaoh To Remember
Futurama 3x18 - Anthology of Interest Part 2
Futurama 3x19 - Roswell That Ends Well
Futurama 3x20 - Godfellas
Futurama 3x21 - Future Stock
Futurama 3x22 - The 30 Iron Chef
Futurama 4x01 - Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch
Futurama 4x02 - Leelas Homeworld
Futurama 4x03 - Love and Rocket
Futurama 4x04 - Less Than Hero
Futurama 4x05 - A Taste of Freedom
Futurama 4x06 - Bender Should Not Be Allowed on TV
Futurama 4x07 - Jurassic Bark
Futurama 4x08 - Crimes of the Hot
Futurama 4x09 - Teenage Mutant Leelas Hurdles
Futurama 4x10 - The Why of Fry
Futurama 4x11 - Where no Fan Has Gone Before
Futurama 4x12 - The Sting
Futurama 4x13 - Bend Her
Futurama 4x14 - Obsoletely Fabulous
Futurama 4x15 - The Farnsworth Parabox
Futurama 4x16 - Three Hundred Big Boys
Futurama 4x17 - Spanish Fry
Futurama 4x18 - The Devils Hands are Idle Playthings
Fyra Nyanser Av Brunt CD1
Fyra Nyanser Av Brunt CD2