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Frasier 02x15 - You Scratch My Book

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lf someone grabs your parking space, don't just sit there, say something!
A man with no front teeth and stitches on his nose can't take criticism.
- What's this? - One of Daphne's inspirational tapes.
Oh, my God!
''Here, Have a Rainbow'', by Dr Honey Snow.
How can you listen to this drivel?
lt's awfully popular drivel.
She tells everyone they're wonderful and nothing's their fault.
What do you know? They like it.
You should read one of her books.
(Doorbell rings)
l have. After a page, l yearned for the worldly cynicism of Barney the Dinosaur.
Niles, to what do we owe this pleasure?
- Brace yourself. lt's raffle time! - Not again!
Yes. Ye gods, who's been plumbing the shallows of Dr Honey Snow?
- l have. - lnsightful, isn't she?
Tickets are only ten dollars and support Maris' little opera group.
- What's the grand prize? - Their lead soprano, Mrs Fitzgibbons,
will come and perform ''The Ride of the Valkyries''.
We've sold 800 tickets so the risk is pretty minimal.
All right.
ln return, a stock tip: Vectorcomp Software. Wendell says they can't miss.
- Who's Wendell? - My broker.
Every stock he puts me on to pays off. He's clairvoyant.
l've got a bit tucked away. Maybe l should take a chance with Wendell.
- lt's not a sure thing. - Nothing in life is a sure thing.
Dr Snow has a little saying: ''Nothing ventured, nothing gained.''
She'd better copyright that before some hack steals it.
l'll go in for 500. That's a lot for me, but l have a feeling l'm in for some luck.
l'd better get ready. l'm off to the Book Nook.
Dr Snow's signing copies of her book.
What about my whirlpool therapy?
Oh, right, l forgot.
Would you go there for me, Dr Crane? lt's around the corner from the station.
l would sooner attend a hoedown.
l have my compulsive spending seminar and l hope to sell these tickets.
- What's the big deal? - My reputation!
What's the big deal?
OK. lf it makes you happy to see me humiliate myself.
l always get a kick out of it.
Thanks ever so.
Look, everyone. Eddie has found his ''inner puppy''!
(Eddie barks)
- This will just take a minute. - l hope so. l've barely got an hour.
Oh, God, not another Honey Snow book.
''Don't Change, You're Perfect.''
People go for this junk?
lt's unbelievable. Get her autograph for me?
Over there. Get it signed then we'll have lunch at Le Cigare Volant.
- Me? Why don't you do it? - My reputation!
What's the big deal?
All right.
lt's wonderful, isn't it?
l just love what she says about finding a moment each day
to stop and give yourself a mental hug.
l'm giving myself one now.
Really?
Actually, it's more of a Heimlich manoeuvre.
- Got it. - Good. Let's buy it and go!
Not so fast. She wants to meet you.
l don't want to meet the woman!
Do you know what she looks like?
l don't care. The woman stands for everything l find totally...
...enchanting.
Hello, l'm Dr Honey Snow.
And l'm... Wait, don't tell me... Dr Frasier Crane!
Dr Crane, let me shake your hand. Oh, what am l saying - hug!
Why not?
After all, a handshake is just a hug for fraidy-cats.
No fear here.
- l am one of your biggest fans. - l've recently become one of yours.
l think the advice you give is so brilliant, yet so simple.
What about those mental hugs of yours?
lt can't get much simpler than that.
l'll go get started on my appetiser.
Yes, all l want is a little nibble.
Tell me!
l should go, but l'd love to talk more.
There seems to be such a positive energy between us.
My publisher's giving me a dinner tonight. Would you come as my guest?
- l'd love to. - That's great.
- Nice meeting you, Dr Snow. - Please, it's Honey.
lt certainly is.
- Good evening, Dr Crane. - Good evening, Daphne, Dad.
- Oh, which horse did you wager on? - Joe's Dream, number eight.
Goodness. He's taking a serene, almost Buddhist approach to the race.
You should invest in something more reliable, like Vectorcomp Software.
- Our stock! Did it go up a bit? - No.
lt went up a lot. lt gained 40% overnight.
Wendell advised selling, so, voilà, your original 500 plus 200 profit.
200? Dr Crane, l could kiss you!
- That's a nice little dividend. - l'll say.
What shall l do with it?
You could let Wendell reinvest it, like l am. lt's called rolling it over.
Then l'll do it. This is so exciting.
What's all this?
Your brother just gave me $200, and now he's going to roll me over.
- Niles? - Communications breakdown.
Good.
- Why are you dressed up? Hot date? - Yes.
- With whom? - Dr Honey Snow.
Did it occur to you l might not want Niles to know?
Sure it did. Right before l said it.
You're dating Dr Honey Snow? You consider her a ninny.
What could you possibly see in this... Ho ho, Mama!
One hell of a cute shrink! No man wouldn't let her analyse his dreams.
Analyse them? She could star in them.
But what do you say when she wants to discuss her work?
l just simply...skirt the issue.
''Honey, your books are... Oh, look, the waiter's on fire.''
(Doorbell)
You're jealous. But not half as jealous as you're about to be.
Get a coaster for your lower lip.
- Hi, honey. - Hi, Honey.
Let me introduce you. Daphne Moon, Honey Snow.
Honey Snow, Daphne Moon. She's a big fan.
- Hug. - Hug.
We both have sort of unusual names: Daphne Moon, Honey Snow.
lf you married my father, your name would be Honey Moon!
My father, Martin Crane.
Hello. l see where Frasier gets his good looks.
Aw, get out of here!
- Last but not least, my brother, Niles. - Oh, Dr Niles Crane.
l read a wonderful article you wrote:
''Gestalt Therapy - Probing the Subconscious''.
Yes! And l believe l read your quiz in Cosmo: ''ls your guy a stud or a dud?''
- Perhaps we should go. - Not yet. l want to give you this.
lt's a manuscript of my next book.
Another one? So soon?
l hope you like it because l'd love for you to write the foreword.
- Me? - Who better?
Actually, there's so many other people
more qualified to write for such an important work.
l almost think you don't want to do it.
Oh, no, it's a great honour.
l'll say. The last book had an introduction by Mickey Rooney.
Then l'm writing that foreword!
That's great!
By next fall there'll be 500,000 copies with your name on the cover.
l've got my Christmas shopping done.
(Giggling)
- Stop giggling. lt's distracting. - Have you read this?
l'm trying to recommend the book. Reading it doesn't help.
OK, here. How's this?
''Volumes have been written about human behaviour,
''and l can say, without fear of contradiction,
''that this book can stand on the shelf next to any of them.''
- No good, is it? - No, but this is.
''You don't have to be a star to twinkle.''
Frasier, l need a hug.
Niles, will you please help me?
Honey asked me to write this and she's got a deadline.
''Time is a concept known only to man.
''Just for today, be a sunflower.''
Give me that!
You don't know what's at stake.
l've never felt this way about a woman. l'm out of control.
Her effect on me is... There's no words to describe it. lt's more like a sound.
(Growls)
Talking about Honey again?
Yes.
lt's laughable to put your name on 500,000 copies of this piffle.
Not even piffle. lt's piffle-lite.
Lay off your brother.
Some women make guys do stupid things.
When l was on traffic duty there was a redhead who got away with anything.
She could be doing 90, a school crossing guard on her hood,
she'd flash that pouty smile
and l'd ignore my partner, wag my finger at her and send her on her way.
Yes, it's the old ''good cop, horny cop'' routine.
Good, you're all here. l want to show off my new coat.
- Very nice. - l've spent like a drunken yuppie.
l went a bit over my budget.
lf you're concerned about cash flow, Wendell called today.
Again? Four times in two weeks?
The man's a wizard. Daphne, your profit.
$400!
Dr Crane!
And here's one for Wendell.
Did l mention Wendell has a secretary?
This calls for a celebration.
l'll take you all out for a nice dinner.
l'll just put on my new dress.
Put on your new shirt and corduroy slacks.
lf you're buying l'm gonna wear elastic-waist pants and no belt.
Well, Niles, that broker of yours, he's a marvel.
Yes, he's doing wonderful things for me.
l'd say so. l've been so impressed
that l asked Daphne about it and invested a few hundred.
Really? Well, congratulations.
Thank you but there's one thing that's hard to figure out.
Although l invested in the very same stock that Daphne did,
mine declined and hers went up.
- How do you explain that? - Obviously one of us is lying.
What are you up to?
This whole stock thing was a lie from the start.
No, first it paid off, but then it tanked. What was l supposed to do?
Tell that working-class Venus l'd lost her life savings?
l paid her back with a bit extra. Where's the harm in that?
Paying a woman for physical affection is the oldest profession.
Granted, it's the Walt Disney version.
But it's wrong. l insist you stop it.
No, it's altruistic, noble and fun and you can't make me stop.
Dr Crane, take this $400 back and buy whatever Wendell says.
Consider it done.
l should get on that gravy train myself.
l'm in for 1 0,000.
Good lord. $1 0,000, Dr Crane?
Think of the dinner l'll be able to buy when Niles brings me my profits.
Hell, put me down for 200! This guy's some kind of genie.
He's a real treasure, isn't he?
l only hope those chest pains he complained about are indigestion.
Shall we go? l've decided on Farmer Jack's Chicken, Chicken, Chicken.
l hear the chicken there is very good.
- Are you coming? - You run along. l'll take my car.
Well, l hope you're happy!
Snap out of it! You're dishonest.
- Said the pot to the kettle. - What?
- You know what it means. - Don't be ridiculous.
- Our situations are different. - How so?
- You're selfishly misleading a woman. - So are you!
- She also...trusts you. - And the difference is?
Your woman is English.
- Frasier, you've lost this one. - l know.
lt'll just take a little while...
to climb down off this particular high horse.
- l think you know what you have to do. - Yes.
l have to tell her l can't write the foreword.
And l have to say goodbye
to the chance of ever sleeping with absolute perfection.
Where, oh where...
will l have the chance again...
to gaze upon such extraordinarily proud...
and supple breasts?
Not to worry, brother.
That's the special at Farmer Jack's Chicken, Chicken, Chicken.
- Thanks for the wonderful dinner. - Thank you for the fabulous table.
Hugging the maître d' really clinched it.
- Would you care for a nightcap? - Sure.
You seemed tense all evening, but l have just the thing.
lt's a sandalwood candle.
The scent is guaranteed to calm you down.
You better fire up about ten of those.
l'd really like to talk to you about that foreword l've been trying to write.
Can we not talk about work?
All day l've been researching an article on sexual intimacy.
l'm up to here with ''The Joy of Sex'' ''Kamasutra'', Masters and Johnson...
Really?
l feel like l've been reading recipes all day,
only there are no groceries in the house.
Well, your bagboy has arrived.
l really need to discuss this now.
You're such a workaholic.
l only hope you're this tireless about everything.
Oh, you won't have any complaints.
l've got to focus on the subject at hand.
Frasier, tonight, l am the subject at hand.
No, no, Honey, l can't do it!
That's all right. l have a candle for that, too.
No, l can't write the foreword.
Why not?
Well, l... l didn't think it was a very good book.
l think the world of you and wish you success
but the book isn't good enough to put my name on it.
l guess l'll be going now.
l am so attracted to you right now.
Most men will say anything to a woman to have sex.
How great to meet a man who would risk rejection rather than be dishonest.
Well, l...
have to be true to my inner voice.
l thought the book was weak myself. l rushed it to meet a deadline.
l'm so glad you respected me enough to be honest.
l think honesty is the greatest aphrodisiac of all.
l hope you feel you can be as honest with me.
l do. Tell me everything. l don't want us to hide anything.
Your chapter titles were clumsy and jejune. Your turn.
You use too much French in everyday conversation.
l think that sandalwood stinks.
When you talk about wine, l wish l had a gun.
l thought your first three books were trite and saccharine.
lt's your turn, Honey.
Honey?
l'm immensely proud of my first three books.
As well you should be.
- You thought they were trite. - l meant trite in its best sense.
As in the phrase, ''trite and true''.
- What about saccharine? - l love it. Use it every day.
l'm glad you like saccharine, darling.
Because there's no way you're getting any Honey.
Good night, Frasier.
Honey, l...
l'm sorry. l really am.
Couldn't we try one of your forgiveness exercises?
- Good night, Frasier. - Hug?
A poet once said something about the world that applies to us:
''lt ends not with a bang, but with a whimper.''
# Hey baby, l hear the blues are calling tossed salads and scrambled eggs
# Quite stylish!
# And maybe l seem a bit confused Well, maybe, but l got you pegged
# But l don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
# They're calling again #
Good night!
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Friends - 3x16 - The One the Morning After
Friends - 3x17 - The One Without the Ski Trip
Friends - 3x18 - The One With the Hypnosis Tape
Friends - 3x19 - The One With the Tiny T-Shirt
Friends - 3x20 - The One With the Dollhouse
Friends - 3x21 - The One With a Chick and a Duck
Friends - 3x22 - The One With the Screamer
Friends - 3x23 - The One With Rosss Thing
Friends - 3x24 - The One With Ultimate Fighting Champ
Friends - 3x25 - The One at the Beach
Friends - 4x01 - The One With the Jellyfish
Friends - 4x02 - The One With the Cat
Friends - 4x03 - The One With the Cuffs
Friends - 4x04 - The One With the Ballroom Dancing
Friends - 4x05 - The One With Joeys New Girlfriend
Friends - 4x06 - The One With the Dirty Girl
Friends - 4x07 - The One Where Chandler Crosses
Friends - 4x08 - The One With Chandler in a Box
Friends - 4x09 - The One Where They are Going
Friends - 4x10 - The One With the Girl from
Friends - 4x11 - The One With Phoebes Uterus
Friends - 4x12 - The One With the Embryos
Friends - 4x13 - The One With Rachels Crush
Friends - 4x14 - The One With Joeys Dirty Day
Friends - 4x15 - The One With All the Rugby
Friends - 4x16 - The One With the Fake Party
Friends - 4x17 - The One With the Free Porn
Friends - 4x18 - The One With Rachels New Dress
Friends - 4x19 - The One With All the Haste
Friends - 4x20 - The One With All the Wedding Dresses
Friends - 4x21 - The One With the Invitation
Friends - 4x22 - The One With the Worst Best Man Ever
Friends - 4x23 - The One With Rosss Wedding - part 1
Friends - 4x24 - The One With Rosss Wedding - part 2
Friends - 5x01 - The One After Ross Says Rachel
Friends - 5x02 - The One With All the Kissing
Friends - 5x03 - The One Hundreth
Friends - 5x04 - The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS
Friends - 5x05 - The One With the Kips
Friends - 5x06 - The One With the Yeti
Friends - 5x07 - The One Where Ross Moves In
Friends - 5x08 - The One With All the Thanksgivins
Friends - 5x09 - The One With Rosss Sandwich
Friends - 5x10 - The One With the Inappropiate Sister
Friends - 5x11 - The One With All the Resolutions
Friends - 5x12 - The One With Chandlers Work Laugh
Friends - 5x13 - The One With Joeys Bag
Friends - 5x14 - The One Where Everyone Finds Out
Friends - 5x15 - The One With the Girl Who Hits Joey
Friends - 5x16 - The One With the Cop
Friends - 5x17 - The One With Rachels
Friends - 5x18 - The One Where Rachel Smokes
Friends - 5x19 - The One Where Ross Cant Flirt
Friends - 5x20 - The One With the Ride-Along
Friends - 5x21 - The One With the Ball
Friends - 5x22 - The One With Joeys Big Break
Friends - 5x23 - The One in Vegas
Friends - 6x01 - The One After Vegas
Friends - 6x02 - The One Where Ross Hugs Rachel
Friends - 6x03 - The One With Rosss Denial
Friends - 6x04 - The One Where Joey Loses His
Friends - 6x05 - The One With Joeys Porsche
Friends - 6x06 - The One On the Last Night
Friends - 6x07 - The One Where Phoebe Runs
Friends - 6x08 - The One With Rosss Teeth
Friends - 6x15
Friends 7x01 - The One with Monicas Thunder
Friends 7x02 - The One With Rachels Book
Friends 7x03 - The One With Phoebes Cookies
Friends 7x04 - The One With Rachels Assistant
Friends 7x05 - The One With The Engagement Picture
Friends 7x06 - The One With The Nap Partners
Friends 7x07 - The One with Rosss Library Book
Friends 7x08 - The One Where Chandler Doesnt Like Dogs
Friends 7x09 - The One With All the Candy
Friends 7x10 - The One With The Holiday Armadillo
Friends 7x11 - The One With All The Cheesecakes
Friends 7x12 - The One Where They are Up All Night
Friends 7x13 - The One Where Rosita Dies
Friends 7x14 - The One Where They All Turn Thirty
Friends 7x15 - The One With Joeys New Brain
Friends 7x16 - The One With the Truth About London
Friends 7x17 - The One With the Cheap Wedding Dress
Friends 7x18 - The One With Joeys Award
Friends 7x19 - The One With Ross and Monicas Cousin
Friends 7x20 - The One With Rachels Kisses
Friends 7x21 - The One With the Vows
Friends 7x22 - The One With Chandlers Dad
Friends 7x23 - The One With Monica and Chandlers Wedding Part 1
Friends 7x24 - The One With Monica and Chandlers Wedding Part 2
Friends 9x01 - The One Where No One Proposes
Friends 9x02 - The One Where Emma Cries
Friends 9x03 - The One With The Pediatrician
Friends 9x04 - The One With The Sharks
Friends 9x05 - The One With Phoebes Birthday Dinner
Friends 9x06 - The One With The Male Nanny
Friends 9x07 - The One With Rosss Inappropriate Song
Friends 9x08 - The One With Rachels Other Sister
Friends 9x09 - The One With Rachels Phone Number
Friends 9x10 - The One With Christmas In Tulsa
Friends 9x11 - The One Where Rachel Goes Back To Work
Friends 9x12 - The One With Phoebes Rats
Friends 9x13 - The One Where Monica Sings
Friends 9x14 - The One With The Blind Dates
Friends 9x15 - The One With The Mugging
Friends 9x16 - The One With The Boob Job
Friends 9x17 - The One With The Memorial Service
Friends 9x18 - The One With The Lottery
Friends 9x19 - The One With Rachels Dream
Friends 9x20 - The One With The Soap Opera Party
Friends 9x21 - The One With The Fertility Test
Friends 9x22 - The One With The Donor
Friends 9x23-24 - The One In Barbados 1 2)
Frisson des vampires Le
From Beijing with love
From Dusk Till Dawn
From Dusk Till Dawn 3 The Hangmans Daughter
From Hell
From Justin To Kelly (Special Edition)
Frontera La
Frusta e il corpo La
Fucking Amal
Fudoh The New Generation 1996
Fugitive The - The Chase Continues
Fugitives (2000)
Fukssvansen (Chop Chop)
Full Frontal 2002
Full Metal Jacket
Full Time Killer
Fun Movie (2002 Korean) CD1
Fun Movie (2002 Korean) CD2
Fun in Acapulco (Richard Thorpe 1963)
Funeral Parade of Roses
Funeral in Berlin
Funny Girl
Fuochi dArtifizio
Furia (2002)
Fury The (1978)
Futurama 1x01 - Space Pilot 3000
Futurama 1x02 - The Series Has Landed
Futurama 1x03 - I Roommate
Futurama 1x04 - Loves Labors Lost in Space
Futurama 1x05 - Fear of a Bot Planet
Futurama 1x06 - A Fishful of Dollars
Futurama 1x07 - My Three Suns
Futurama 1x08 - A Big Piece of Garbage
Futurama 1x09 - Hell is Other Robots
Futurama 2x01 - A Flight to Remember
Futurama 2x02 - Mars University
Futurama 2x03 - When Aliens Attack
Futurama 2x04 - Fry and the Slurm Factory
Futurama 3x01 - Amazon Women in the Mood
Futurama 3x02 - Parasites Lost
Futurama 3x03 - A Tale of Two Santas
Futurama 3x04 - The Luck of the Fryrish
Futurama 3x05 - The Birdbot of Ice-catraz
Futurama 3x06 - Bendless Love
Futurama 3x07 - The Day the Earth Stood Stupid
Futurama 3x08 - Thats Lobstertainment
Futurama 3x09 - The Cyber House Rules
Futurama 3x10 - Insane in the Mainframe
Futurama 3x10 - Where The Buggalo Roam
Futurama 3x12 - The Route of All Evil
Futurama 3x13 - Bendin in the Wind
Futurama 3x14 - Time Keeps on Slippin
Futurama 3x15 - I Dated a Robot
Futurama 3x16 - A Leela of Her Own
Futurama 3x17 - A Pharaoh To Remember
Futurama 3x18 - Anthology of Interest Part 2
Futurama 3x19 - Roswell That Ends Well
Futurama 3x20 - Godfellas
Futurama 3x21 - Future Stock
Futurama 3x22 - The 30 Iron Chef
Futurama 4x01 - Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch
Futurama 4x02 - Leelas Homeworld
Futurama 4x03 - Love and Rocket
Futurama 4x04 - Less Than Hero
Futurama 4x05 - A Taste of Freedom
Futurama 4x06 - Bender Should Not Be Allowed on TV
Futurama 4x07 - Jurassic Bark
Futurama 4x08 - Crimes of the Hot
Futurama 4x09 - Teenage Mutant Leelas Hurdles
Futurama 4x10 - The Why of Fry
Futurama 4x11 - Where no Fan Has Gone Before
Futurama 4x12 - The Sting
Futurama 4x13 - Bend Her
Futurama 4x14 - Obsoletely Fabulous
Futurama 4x15 - The Farnsworth Parabox
Futurama 4x16 - Three Hundred Big Boys
Futurama 4x17 - Spanish Fry
Futurama 4x18 - The Devils Hands are Idle Playthings
Fyra Nyanser Av Brunt CD1
Fyra Nyanser Av Brunt CD2