Girl Next Door
How do you want me?
Oh, thats good. Yeah, just... Just get comfortable.
Im a little nervous.
Youre doing great.
A little to the right there, gorgeous.
- Okay. Like this? - Oh, that a girl.
- You ready? - Yeah.
- Youre blushing, Dorothy. - Don´tt blush, Kathy.
Okay, and big smile.
I will always remember...
...the game against Fairfield.
That one final kick.
State champion, senior year.
I will always remember...
...all the great times with the dirty dozen...
...and macking all the honeys.
Cindy K. Tina B.
Michelle H. Goddamn!
Just too many to remember.
Ill always remember lacrosse champions.
All the glory days with the boys.
I will always remember...
...the math-club madmen...
...making the perfect fake IDs...
...which lasted six seconds
- Troy Cochran. - Troy Cochran.
- Troy gives good head. - Fuck you!
Ill always remember...
...the senior prank.
Matthew Kidman. I will always remember...
YEARBOOK MEMORIES FORM SENIORS ONLY!
MATTHEW KIDMAN Ill always remember...
Yeah, well, I told you I wanted to try out.
Wed like to honor a student...
...who has shown outstanding leadership.
We have no doubt that he will be one...
...of the great politicians in Washington.
The award for the brightest leader...
...of tomorrow, Matthew Kidman.
- Im in! I´mm in! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Georgetown! They gave it to you!
Yeah, dude, come on.
SENIOR PROM DO YOU HAVE THE FEVER?!
- Do you have the fever? - No.
Why? Do you?
I dont know. Maybe.
How about you?
I just gotta fuck something.
I said, everybody say, ´HHo!´´´
You know what I say?
I say, this prom is gonna be off the hook! Do you feel me?
Securitys gonna be tight. Get wasted before you show up.
Thats enough. I can wait.
I can wait, people.
Now, it is your student-council president...
...who has a few announcements to make.
Thanks, Mr. Salinger.
All right, how you doing?
Okay, lets start off with Operation Get Samnang.
Sam Young, baby!
Well, we did it. We raised the 25,000 dollars...
...so now we can bring the genius Samnang out of Cambodia...
...and bring him here to study at Westport.
Speaking of which, Samnang sent us a new tape.
Show that shit!
Hi, everyone, its Samnang.
I am very excited to be coming soon. Are you excited?
I told my class that I am coming to America. They were sad.
I am so happy.
- I wanna bang you! - Go, Cougars!
How do they just skip class every day and go to the beach?
Because they just dont care.
Lets go with them.
- Seriously, lets just do it. - Why?
Because, I mean, we never do anything.
I mean, were graduating. We should be going nuts right now.
Lets just do something.
I am doing something, Im going to class.
Klitz, you already got into Yale.
I mean, it doesnt matter anymore.
Yeah, Klitz, you pussy.
- Well, why dont you go? - Yeah, come on. Let´ss go.
Beach is for fags, man.
- The beach is for fags? - Yeah.
You know what? You guys are fags.
Everyone to the beach!
Lets go! Lock them and load them, dude.
WESTPORT HIGH SCHOOL
Personal power means the ability to act...
...the ability to take action.
STOP CHECK-OUT WITH SECURITY
Three steps to personal power are necessary for results.
Heres number one step to personal power.
Its called energy. Energy.
When you wake up feeling really lethargic, really lousy...
...do you usually jump up and go-?
Hey! Pull it over!
Pull it over! Pull-
Oh, well, youre home early.
I postponed yearbook. I gotta work on my speech
- Hi, Mr. Peterson. - Mr. President.
- Mrs. Peterson. - Congratulations.
- Oh, thank you. - Congratulations. Georgetown.
Wow, you must be flying.
Whats the speech you´rre working on?
Oh, its for this scholarship I need to get so I can...
...actually go to Georgetown.
Its pretty expensive.
What kind of scholarship is it?
What do they give it for?
Its for the student who best demonstrates moral fiber.
Oh, moral fiber. Well, thats-
- Oh, Im sure you´lll get it. - Thanks. I mean, I hope so.
I mean, theres some stiff Competition...
...and they only pick one of us...
...so Ill just have to blow them away with my speech.
Okay, so why do I deserve this scholarship?
1. MAKE EYE CONTACT 2. BE CHARMING 3. JFK!
...can do for you but what you can do... ´
John F. Kennedy once said, ´AAsk not what
Look, I dont know who she is.
Im just saying that this girl was unbelievable.
I mean, she was like this angel.
I mean, she had this smile. I mean, you should have seen it.
- So did you bang her? - Oh, yeah, yeah. I banged her.
Thats what a man does, okay?
- Yeah. Okay, Eli. - Good.
Oh, my God. Shes so hot.
- What channel, dude? - No, the girl next door.
I can see her through my window.
Hows the rack?
- God, who is this girl? - Hows the rack?
- Hold on. Relax. - No. You relax.
Be a man and go over there.
Okay. Say what?
I dont know. Get off your ass and do something. Fuck!
- Hey, what are you doing? - What?
Hey, dude, seriously, I told you...
...it really freaks me out when you watch that while...
...youre talking to me.
Just learn to like it.
Oh, my God.
What? Matt, what?
Dude, what the fuck?!
- Yes? - Im sorry.
- Dan. - Whats going on?
Matthew, come down here.
- What are you doing up there? - Nothing.
Come down here.
This is Danielle.
You know Mrs. Clark from next door. Danielles her niece.
Danielle just told us something very interesting.
Mrs. Clark is in Africa for two weeks with her church group.
Did you know that?
Anyway, Danielle just came in from Los Angeles...
...and shes housesitting while her aunt´ss away.
Why dont you show her around.
Such a long road, you know.
- What are we doing? - Did you like what you saw?
What are you talking about?
Okay, I saw you for, like, an instant.
- An instant? - Yeah.
It was no big deal.
No, no, it was- It was a big deal, but its just that...
So, what are we gonna do about this?
I mean, I said I was sorry.
You saw me...
Yeah, right, like Im gonna strip right here?
Are you serious?
No. No, never gonna happen.
The whole package.
No, come on, this is good enough.
Jesus! Come on, will you relax?
There. You happy now?
Youre an asshole. It´ss not funny.
Its a little funny.
Let me in. Let me in.
Its not funny.
Its a little funny.
So, what else do you do besides torture people?
- Seriously, whats your story? - I don´tt know.
I kind of just quit my job.
I want to start over. Maybe go to college.
So are you here alone or what?
- What? - Just ask.
Do you have a boyfriend?
Arent you gonna ask me if I have a girlfriend?
No. 01:18:45.04\01:18:46.13 Okay.
So youre about to graduate. You must be going nuts right now.
I mean, its just been off the hook, you know?
- Really? - Yeah.
So, whats the craziest thing you´vve done lately?
Oh, I mean, its hard to tell, you know, because we-
Ive just done so much nuts stuff. I mean...
Its just off the hook, off the walls. I mean...
You havent done anything, have you?
Its kind of- It´ss kind of been my problem lately.
Come on, theres gotta be something.
What about your girlfriend?
We can figure this out. You just need a girl.
What kind of girl?
Definitely someone cute.
Someone who can make him laugh.
But he also needs someone whos gonna push him.
Someone whos gonna make him do...
...things he never thought he could do.
Like stripping in the middle of the street?
- Well, thanks for the ride. - No problem.
´GGood night´´´?? What are you, gay?
- I would have nailed her. - Ok, you wouldnt have nailed her.
- Whatever, dude. - And, you know, secondly...
...you know, the vibe was not right.
The vibe wasnt right? She comes to your house and makes you strip.
What does she have to do, sit on your face?
Come on, bitch.
- Damn. Should have kissed her. - Are you okay? Dude?
All right, you all have this graph, correct?
Good. Lets move along then.
Now, its a very simple equation here.
Somebody give me the answer to this.
All right, if no one knows the answer to this...
Looking at this calculation, what does this make us think of?
Questions on this?
Good news, ladies and gentlemen. Pop-quiz time.
Thats Samnang Sok. He´ss this complete genius.
So we raised all this money for him...
...to come here and study at our school.
- Whos ´´´wwe´´´?? - Well, I mean, I did...
...but he could be the next Einstein, you know.
You know, he could cure cancer.
So, what do you wanna do?
Im not stripping again.
Come on. Where are you going?
Hey, come on, lets get out of here.
How do you know no ones home?
- I dont. - Come on.
Seriously, this is nuts.
I always wear boxers. You just caught me on a weird day.
So, whats the craziest thing you´vve done lately?
This is right up there.
Oh, my God.
- Thats Mr. Salinger. - Who?
Thats my principal. Seriously, let´ss go.
- Its not funny. - It´ss a little funny.
Just go with it.
Dude, Im kind of uncomfortable watching this with you.
Dude, learn to like it.
Im all wet. Can I come in?
Hey, guys. This is Danielle.
You must be Eli. And Klitz. Right.
Hey, come on, were all going out.
- Can I use your bathroom first? - Oh, its over here to the left.
- Dude. - I know.
- Dude, what are we doing here? - Yeah, I know.
Guys, seriously, its gonna get...
...broken up, like, any second now, right?
- Get the fuck out of here! - Sorry.
- So, what do you wanna do? - Lets just chill.
- Is this your party? - No, its a friend of mine´ss.
- Im Hunter. - Danielle.
This is Matthew.
- Hey, Matt, whats up? - What´ss up?
Can I get you something to drink?
- Yeah. - Hey, man, whats up?
- Can you come here for a second? - Yeah.
No, its cool. They´rre pals.
Yeah, man, this partys getting kind of full, bro.
- Yeah, so? - So youre gonna have to take off.
- Really? - Yeah.
Okay, but Im with her. I mean-
Oh, its cool, dude. She´ss taken care of.
Theres the door.
Whens Samsung getting here?
- Samnang. - Yeah!
I love him.
Dude, Im gonna do that little guy when he gets here.
Cool, dude. Im sure he´lll like that.
- Dude. - I know.
- What? - Youre coming with me. Right now.
Everybody out. Lets move.
I said out, minions! Move! Move! Faster, you little maggots.
- So hows everything going? - Fine.
Is everything, you know, okay at home?
All right, what?
Perhaps you should have a seat.
Perhaps you should bite me.
...we live in a crazy, mixed-up world.
Crazy, but, oh, so beautiful.
And now for the final task of your training.
Youre gonna need a harder piece of wood than that, cowboy.
- Thats not her. - Yeah, it is.
- Oh, no. - Oh, yeah.
Matt! Matt! Dude, youre missing the best part.
Settle down, tiger. I know. I know.
Its not funny. Seriously, get away from me.
- Dude, dont mess this up. - Mess what up?
Matt, shes a porn star, okay?
Take her to a motel room and bang her like a beast.
Eli, I like this girl.
And you can still like her with your penis inside her.
Im telling you, you´rre gonna regret this.
What would JFK do? You know hed tap that ass.
Eli, Im never gonna see her again.
Oh, you know what? Fine.
- Fine. - Fine!
Goddamn it, Matt.
I swear to God, if you dont fuck her, I´lll kill myself!
Matt, please. Please, Matt. Fuck her for me. For me!
- Oh, Marci, youre so funny. - Oh, thanks.
- I just saw you naked. - What?
Dont worry, honey, you were only 2 days old.
- Lets see what else we have. - Why are you here?
I just came here to say hi.
Look at this one of him.
- That ones the best. - It is. He looks so adorable.
He looks really- Oh, thats such a good one.
- Here you go, Danielle. - Oh, thanks.
- Thattagirl. - This is a cute one.
Oh, whos your daddy?
So you were going to school in Los Angeles?
For a while. But then I started working on other things.
Oh, what kind of things?
Let me show you.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I dont know, I...
I dont feel so good.
What can I do to make you feel better?
I think Im feeling a lot better now.
- We can go out another night. - No, were going out tonight.
- You sure? - Positive.
- I dont know if I can do this. - Yes, you can.
But tonight, be the man.
First off, act like you dont even like her.
- Hey. - Hey.
Second, get her drunk. Really drunk, okay?
That way the true porn star will come out in her.
Here, I... I got us something.
- Are you trying to get me drunk? - No, what?
- I thought you like to rock. - ´LLike to rock?´´´
Last and most important...
...always be touching her, Matt.
That tells her you came here to get down tonight.
What are we doing?
MOTEL Glen Capri
Maybe we should get a room.
Here it is.
This is- This is really nice.
Got a little lamp there.
Is that Monet?
- What are you thinking? - What are you thinking?
I dont know.
Do you wanna fuck me?
How do you want me?
Why are you doing this?
Isnt this what you want?
To fuck a porn star in a cheap motel room?
So this is what you think of me.
- Danielle, wait. Im sorry. - Let me guess.
You saw a tape, and you thought:
´WWhat the hell? She does it for a living, right?´´´
- Eli told me to do it. - Oh, now thats a mature response.
- Why didnt you just tell me? - Because I didn´tt want to, okay?
Because I loved the way you looked at me.
God, do you have any idea how-?
- Hold on. - Fuck you.
ONLY 9 DAYS LEFT! SAMNANG
WHY DO I DESERVE THIS SCHOLARSHIP?
Look, Im an idiot, okay? I saw the tape, and I freaked out.
Hi. Im coming in. Can I come in?
Look, Ive just been crazy lately.
I mean, the whole scholarship thing, you know, I mean...
Its killing me, you know?
But Im not even thinking about that.
The only thing I care about is you, you know?
All I want is just for us to go back to normal again.
Its a real nice place you got here, D.
- ... talk about this later? - Yeah.
I like that.
- What? - What you said in there.
- So youre friends with D, huh? - Yeah.
Well, were- We´rre kind of going out.
Look at you. You are a forest fire.
- Are we going? - Yeah.
You coming with us?
- Where are you going? - Cant. He´ss got school tomorrow.
No, no, Im cool. Like, where are we going?
Hey, there. What can I get for you?
Well get two Scotch rocks and...
Make it three. Actually, Ill have a Long Island iced tea.
So, what grade are you in, man?
Im a senior. But I´mm about to graduate.
Congratulations. Whats next?
- Matthew wants to be president. - Really?
- Thats great, man. - Yeah.
How do you two know each other?
How do we know each other?
- We used to work together. - So youre, like, an actor?
No. Strictly producer.
But D and I also used to go out. Excuse me a sec.
So you guys went out?
Look, can we just talk?
I dont know if this is really the place.
- Why? Whats wrong with it? - No, nothing. It´ss fine, you know.
Its one of my favorites.
Hey, you got one for me?
- What are you doing? - What?
And you turn it like so:
- Hey, where are you going? - The bathroom. Is that okay?
So youre really into her, huh?
Hey. I get it, man, believe me. Shes gorgeous.
I just think youd want someone more your age.
- Shes my age. - Yeah, I meant experience-wise.
Dont worry about it. I´mm gonna take care of you.
Oh, my God. Thats Mr. Peterson.
Thats my dad´ss friend.
He comes over all the time with his wife.
What? Dude, what are you doing, man?
Yeah, you. Get over here.
Goddamn, Peterson, havent seen your black ass in ages.
- Do I know you? - What the fucks your problem?
- I... - Just fucking with you, man.
Hey, you know my friend Matty here, right?
- Matthew. Hi. - Peterson, this is Mattys first time.
Why dont you buy him a dance.
So did you hear about that scholarship yet?
No, big dinners on Thursday.
So, whats it for again?
Me? A Teenage Daddy?
Who is this guy? Is he a porn producer?
Klitz, shut up. Now, the strippers.
When you get a lap dance, were they cool with you grabbing their ass?
Dude. Im trying to talk about Danielle here.
Fine. Selfish bitch.
For teenagers, sexual intercourse can be dangerous.
Jesus, what hack made this?
I could make a better sex-ed film with my mom.
Why dont they update this thing?
Special events, such as your senior prom...
...place added pressure on young teens to lose their virginity...
...and also engage in unprotected sex.
9 months later...
- Hello? - Hey, Bob.
Were all going to the creek tonight.
Its gonna be a gas. You´rre coming, right?
I cant, guys.
I have a baby now.
Because of prom.
- What? - Yeah, right.
- You guys ever thought about it? - No.
I just think you guys would be really hot.
- You girls are 18, right? - I am.
- I will be in a month. - Really?
- You ever been photographed? - A couple of times.
Hey, you guys know Matty?
I hung with him last night. Guys the tits.
Heres my man.
- How you doing? - Whats up, fellas?
Matty, you didnt tell me you got some serious burners...
...at your school here.
Oh, shut up. You did not say that
Hey, you know whos got the killer bud?
This fucker right here.
- What are you talking about? - Yeah, come on.
Yeah, you have some?
Yeah, come on.
- Holy shit. - You guys should party.
- Can I-? - All right, were out.
- Hold on a sec. - Where are you guys going?
- We got things to do. - Do you wanna hang out?
- Hop in, fellas. - Arent you gonna photograph us?
Always leave them wanting more.
Man, there is some talent here.
You get those girls together with those ass-bags there...
...shoot them humping at, like, a football...
...game or at a prom, that video would sell.
Fuck, Im good!
How do I get these ideas? Its like a gift, you know?
Its like I can´tt control it.
So, what are we doing, man?
You know, you really didnt have to come with me.
Its cool. I like running errands.
So you raised 25 Gs just to bring this Chinese guy over.
No, hes Cambodian.
Okay, so thats 25,000 total deposited...
...into the Operation Get Samnang account.
Hey, so you raised all the money you needed.
- Congratulations. - Thanks.
So is this Samnang really as smart as they say?
Well, he did teach himself calculus without even using...
.. his textbooks, so...
Those crazy little fuckers, man. They sure know their numbers.
Jeannie, this is my- This is my student advisor.
Oh, youre Mr. Salinger?
Just here to make sure everythings up to par. Wow.
- What? - I love those earrings.
Oh, thank you.
They really compliment your coloring.
Thanks. I just got back from Cabo.
- Did you? - Yeah.
Okay, well, we gotta go. Thanks, Jeannie.
Man, what were you doing-?
Theres a bar, you sit with the people.
You have been there.
- See? I knew it. - No, no.
- This guy is unbelievable. - You.
- Where you guys going? - Vegas, baby.
We got the convention. Gotta press the flesh, meet the fans.
So thats it? You´rre just going back?
I dont belong here.
What do you-? What do you mean? What about starting over?
This is what I am.
All right, D, lets roll.
- Dude, its not your fault. - No, it is my fault.
If I hadnt been such a dick and taken her to that motel room...
Yeah, it was a little forward, dont you think?
- Dude. - What?
Matt, the point is, she made her decision.
Theres nothing you can do about it now.
Yeah, there is.
- Hey, Dad? - Dont wait up.
- Ill be late tonight. - I´lll watch it tomorrow.
- Shark Week is all week long. - God, I just wanna bang hot chicks.
LAS VEGAS WELCOMES THE ADULT FILM CONVENTION
- Move it. - Sorry.
- Sasha! - Sasha!
- Yo, man, no press. - No, no. No, Im not press.
Im still in high school, okay?
This is for my high school video yearbook.
I swear to God.
Thats right, bitch.
Jesus, is that her?
Give me a second, guys.
- Athena! - Athena!
- Danielle. - Athena! Athena!
- Danielle. - Come on! Athena, right here!
- Work it, Athena. - You are so hot, Athena.
- Look, Im sorry. I had to come. - Asshole, I´mm next.
- I feel like this is all my fault. - Who is this guy?
- Will you at least look at me? - Bend over.
Youre the best thing that ever happened to me, okay?
- Me too! - Oh, Danielle.
Hes so sweet.
Nice job, dickwad.
- Danielle. - Hey, man, get me out of this thing.
- Take me with you, dude. - Danielle.
Just leave me alone, please.
- Danielle, Danielle. - Hugo, hi.
Look at you. You look fantastic.
Just starting out, and everyone knows your name.
No, they dont.
- So hows Kelly treating you? - Okay.
Danielle, what do we know?
What do we know? We know that you should be with me.
At the top. Where the air is crisp.
- Nice tan. - Kelly.
- What do we say? - Fuck you.
Always with the big words.
Danielle, where the air is crisp.
- What does that mean? - Nothing. Hes just being Hugo.
Matty. What are you doing here?
Look, Kelly, no offense, but I really dont think Danielle...
...wants to be here right now.
Matthew, please just go home, okay?
Im sorry, man. Come on. Let´ss get out of here.
Its not cute anymore.
- What? - Stop filling her head with that-
- Do not piss me off. - Hey, I thought we were friends.
Friends dont fuck with each other´ss business.
And thats what this is, my fucking business.
What are you gonna do?
Yeah, thats what I thought. Stay the fuck away from her.
Matt, seriously, man, its 2:00 in the morning.
What about your thing tomorrow? Okay, the scholarship dinner?
Sorry, I gotta do this.
Oh, by the way, if things get bad, just bolt, okay?
What? What do you mean, ´iif things get bad´´´??
Wait, whats he talking about?
You wanna get me a drink? No, Im just kidding.
...am I ugly?
What? No. No, man, youre fine. Just relax.
No, Im ugly. I know it.
- So, what do you guys do? - I get freaky.
- Were directors. - Really?
Would you guys ever wanna use me in one of your movies?
Hell, yeah, well use you.
Baby, Ill do things to you I wouldn´tt do to a farm animal.
- What the fuck did you just say? - Honey. These guys are directors.
- And they wanna use me. - Use you?
Guys, this is my boyfriend, Mule.
Lets do it.
Man, you gotta use my girl, bro. Shes so good.
I am. I really am.
- You wanna give her a throw? - Yeah, try me out.
No, you know, no, Im okay, though, thank you.
Well, come on. At least feel her tits.
Im okay. I can´tt. Thank you, though.
Fuck it. Ill feel one.
Were all set for tomorrow.
Athena will be there, ready to shoot. Right, babe?
Not bad, huh? Suckers cost me 6 grand.
Yo, Mule, what the hell are you doing?
Steel, check it out, man. These guys are directors.
Man, these punks aint directors.
Theyre in high school, you idiot.
Okay, heres the thing-
- Come on, Klitz, come on. - Get off.
Matty, time to go, time to go. Time to go.
- What happened? - It got bad. Bolt. Bolt!
- Dude, wait up. - Fuck you, dude!
I just wanna let you know, I know who you really are.
And youre better than this.
IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY DREAM...
Need a ride to school?
Its all you now. I mean, now you can do whatever you want.
Why do you believe in me so much?
I dont know. Maybe I´mm stupid.
- Good luck tonight. - Thanks.
- Bye. - Bye.
Will you go to prom with me?
I would love to.
Now for the scientific explanation. Anybody?
JOHN F. KENNEDY once said: ASK NOT...
Thats your speech?
You ready for tonight?
Hey, dont worry, man. You´rre gonna be great.
I have to be.
That bitch cant just run away because...
...she dont wanna fuck on film anymore.
May I help you?
- Get up. - Okay, okay.
Stay in school.
Look, I have the most important dinner of my life tonight...
...so wherever were going, you know...
...we just have to be home by 6.
Just so you know.
Here he comes.
- Its a cool ride, huh? - Yeah, if you´rre a fag.
- Jesus! - Its cool, it´ss cool.
- Where are we going? - I thought you were cool, man.
I tried to be your friend, and what do you do?
- You fuck me. - I didnt fuck you.
She didnt show up on set because of what you said.
Now Im out 30 grand.
- Guess whos paying me back. - What? I don´tt have 30 grand.
- Get your folks to help. - They dont have that kind of money.
Look, Kelly, Im a problem solver, all right? This is what I do. Okay?
Lets just- Let´ss just think outside of the box here.
Look, shell get a job, I´lll keep mowing...
...lawns, and over time well pay it down.
You know? This can work. We can do this.
Itll be like a payment plan.
- You really care about her, huh? - Yeah, I really do.
Yeah, I dont know. If I´mm gonna do this payment-plan thing...
...I need a show of good faith, you know?
- Something concrete. - Well, like what?
No. I told you shes not gonna do that anymore.
Who said anything about her?
Yeah, were definitely outside the box now, huh?
Now, you gotta ask yourself, how far are you willing to go?
How much do you really care about her?
Im joking, man.
- Damn. Do I look gay to you? - No, but, Jesus-
You wanna be president?
Let me tell you the first rule of politics:
Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze.
You know what that means? It means you dont steal my girl...
...unless youre ready to accept the consequences.
All right, Im sorry, okay?
Thats gonna swell up like a bitch. Here, take this.
Im telling you, it´ss gonna hurt like shit.
Im sorry I got upset. I felt taken advantage of.
Look, Im not gonna be a dick. I know she loves you.
Im gonna leave you guys alone.
But now youre doing something for me.
Remember that ass-bag, Hugo, from the convention?
We used to be partners a long time ago.
One day, I had this killer idea to make films set...
...in real-life situations.
You know, Real World porn.
I told the idea to Hugo. He says hell think about it.
And what does that motherfucker do?
Takes my best girl, starts his own company with my idea...
...and the guy makes millions.
Its not the money that pisses me off.
I mean, fuck, it does piss me off...
...but thats not it. It´ss the perception.
Everybody thinks Hugos the genius. It was my idea.
Its like he´ss Simon, and I´mm Garfunkel.
Look at me, man. Im fucking Garfunkel.
- Look, seriously, I cant do this. - Don´tt be a pussy. Nobody´ss home.
- Why do you want this thing so bad? - Because it shouldve been mine.
- Ill grab it and leave. - You don´tt understand...
...I have to be at a dinner in an hour.
My whole life depends on it.
You want me out of Danielles life?
Yes, I do.
- Then lets go. - But wait, seriously.
Sometimes, if you wanna do something good...
...you gotta do something bad.
Yeah, but this is breaking and entering.
This is politics.
After this, were cool, okay?
Youre all right, man.
Id like to report a robbery.
AVN BEST PICTURE 1999 ´CCHITTY CHITTY GANG BANG´´´
HUGO POSH PRODUCER
Cradle the balls.
Stop! Stop! Help me!
Help! Oh, fuck!
Okay, so what time does the dinner start?
- Why? What time is it now? -6:30.
- Oh, my God. - Dude, dont worry, all right?
Well get there. You know what? Try and-
- Dude, what are you doing? - I dont know. I just...
...feel so good.
Oh, my God.
I just feel so weird.
Dont worry. Ecstasy is not that bad.
- What? - Kelly likes dosing people with E.
Oh, my God. Am I gonna die?
No, no, no. Its okay, Matt. You´rre gonna be fine. I promise.
Youre such a good friend, Klitzy. I love you.
I love you so much.
This is gonna be amazing.
Wait a second.
Oh, my God.
WELCOME TO THE SHERIDAN SCHOLARSHIP BANQUET
You dont understand. It´ss really kicking in right now.
Just try not to talk so much, okay?
Talk so much? Im giving a speech.
- Its okay. Just go with it. - Wait, wait.
In a few minutes, well begin the speeches, and we hope...
Thank you again for coming to what...
...promises to be a very eventful evening.
- Hey, whats up, Ryan? - Jesus, what happened to you?
Just living life, my man.
Mina, how are you?
Okay. Just a little nervous.
But youre a little temptress, though, aren´tt you?
Hey, buddy. How you doing?
Hey. Thanks a lot, thanks a lot.
Hey, theres the big daddy.
Matthew, what has been going on with you?
Some serious shit.
But, Jesus, man, its good to see you.
Will you excuse us, please?
Oh, my God. Am I blowing it?
Just try and control yourself.
- Just breathe, okay? - All right.
I have learned a lot from my teachers.
But my best teacher has always been my mother...
...a woman who worked three jobs trying to support me...
...ever since I was a little niña.
I will never forget the day she said to me:
And that is why I have always tried to answer the call...
...of the great John F. Kennedy...
...who urged us to ´AAsk not what your country´´´--
Lets see here...
I cant speak a foreign language...
...so thats out.
And I- I certainly cant quote J.F.K. now...
...can I, Ryan? You know what?
Its funny, I have this whole speech prepared...
...and Ive been practicing for weeks...
...but you know what?
Im just gonna go with it.
So, what is moral fiber? I mean...
Its funny, I used to think it was always telling the truth...
...doing good deeds.
You know, basically being a fucking Boy Scout.
But lately, Ive been seeing it differently.
Now I think that moral fibers about...
...finding that one thing you really care about.
That one special thing that means more...
...to you than anything else in the world.
And when you find her...
...you fight for her. You risk it all.
You put her in front of everything...
...all of it.
And maybe the stuff you do to help her isnt so clean.
You know what? It doesnt matter.
Because in your heart you know...
...that the juice is worth the squeeze.
Thats what moral fiber´ss all about.
First, Id just like to commend the candidates on...
...their impressive remarks.
This year was a very tough decision.
And as much as wed love to give you all scholarships, we can´tt.
And so I am proud to announce the winner...
...of this years Sheridan scholarship:
Oh, God, what happened?
Yeah, I slipped.
Listen, Jeannie, Samnangs coming on Monday.
- I know. How exciting. - Yeah.
So Im gonna need to close out the account.
What do you mean?
I mean Im gonna need to close out the account.
- But its already closed. - What are you talking about?
Your teacher came by yesterday and cleared out the account.
Who? What- What teacher?
Your student advisor. Mr. Salinger.
The one you were with the other day.
Mr. Salinger? What are you-?
Samnang, whats wrong, my son?
That Matthew Kidman.
He fucked me, Mom. He fucked me so bad.
Son of a bitch.
Oh, my God.
- Whats wrong? - Jeannie...
...didnt you ask for ID or anything?
You said he was your student advisor.
Oh, my God.
- Jeannie, where are you going? - To get the manager.
No, hold on. Wait, wait, wait.
Matthew, whats going on?
...that guy wasnt my student advisor.
No, I know, I know. I can get the money back.
We just need to keep this between me and you for now, okay?
Thats a great blouse, by the way. Have you lost weight?
No? No, wait, wait.
You think about this. This is your fault too. Right?
You didnt ask for ID. You didn´tt do anything.
And I saw you flirting with him too...
...all right? So unprofessional.
Youll lose your job over this.
Dont threaten me, you little shit.
I could give a fuck about you and your rice boy.
Im not getting fired.
Okay, okay. Im sorry. Just- Please, I...
Just- No one can ever find out about this.
If this gets out, Ill be expelled. My life will be over.
If that money isnt back by Monday...
...I wouldnt worry about being expelled.
Id worry about going to jail.
- Jeannie... - Hi, Jeannie.
Matthew, whats wrong?
Matt, is there something you want to talk about?
Matthew, honey, what is it?
- Hi. - Come here.
Im in so much trouble.
I cant believe we´rre even thinking about this.
Well, if you need that kind of money by Monday...
Yeah- What are we doing?
I mean, I cant get you involved in this.
I want to do it.
You havent heard the whole plan yet.
Fuck film school.
This is gonna be huge. This is gonna be my calling card.
- No. - Klitzy...
- No way. - Klitz...
...you know I wouldnt ask for this unless I really needed it.
Matt believe me, I want to help you, but- No.
- Well get expelled and- - Klitz, shut up.
Do me a favor, okay?
Take a look at us, okay? Take a good look at us.
Do you know what we are, the three of us?
- What? - Were a fucking tripod.
- A tripod? - Yeah.
And you know what that means?
That means that if you kick out one of our legs, then we all fall.
Come on, baby.
I know it was you, Klitzy.
- Where is she? - Oh, there they are. Hey.
- Hey! - Hi, Danielle.
- Hey, lets get our luggage! - Yeah.
- Yeah! - All right?
- Ill be there in a minute. - Okay!
So if I pull this off, I get the 25 grand on Sunday?
Kid, you pull this off Ill take care of your little Samsung.
Have a nice prom, kid.
- All right, minions, over here. - Good luck.
You know what? Go wait in the car. Go.
Gentlemen, these are your prom dates, April and Ferrari.
Ladies, we have Eli and Klitz.
Your name is Klitz?
With a K.
Okay, get a two-shot. Minions. All right, guys, get closer.
Yeah, thats right. Show me the love. Oh, feel it. Feel it!
- Nice. - Eli?
Do those girls go to your school?
- ... theyre porn stars. - Oh, yeah, right.
You- You look really nice.
You really do, hon. You look so beautiful.
WELCOME TO THE SENIOR PROM
What are all these cameras for?
For video yearbook.
So, what should we do? Should we start setting up?
Yeah, look, we just gotta keep this low-key, okay?
Okay. What are you gonna do?
Im gonna get our actors.
- Dude, make sure they can act. - Yeah, all right.
- Just get out of here, okay? - Hey, I got this taken care of.
You just show this little lady a good time tonight, all right?
- Minions, lets move. - Wait. So, what are we doing?
Come on, play it cool, play it cool.
Look, theyre coming to you.
- Whats up? - What´ss up?
- Can we talk to you for a second? - Dude, Im with my girl here.
- Sorry, man. - Should we come back?
No, Ill leave you guys alone.
Hey, man, whats up with those girls?
- What about them? - Are they, like...?
Are they porn stars?
- Yeah. - Shit.
I knew I recognized them. I knew it.
- Can we meet them? - Yeah.
Howd you boys like to be in a movie?
- What are these? - Your scripts.
Sign the release form at the top.
Come on, you guys, wait up!
Are these our actors?
Just these two.
What about me, dude?
Sorry, bro. Partys all full.
As an artist, I want it to come from a truthful place.
- Ferrari. Ferrari. Focus. Listen. - Oh, okay.
- Are we...? - No, I can do this. Dont worry.
Think Meryl Streep, Sophies Choice.
Next location! Come on, move!
Move, move, move! Lets go!
- I gotta be in this. - Shut up. Take this.
Oh, come on! Take the pain!
Take the pain! Get up. Come on!
May I have a word with you?
- Whats up? - I found this in the hallway.
Do you know what this is?
No, what is it?
Looks like a release form for something.
Yeah, I dont know what it is.
Have a good night.
But you have a secret.
Show that to me.
I never went to prom.
Excuse me, sir?
We have a problem.
- Whats wrong? - Derek didn´tt work out.
- What happened? - Lets just say he wasn´tt strong...
Guys, I cant work like this.
Okay, relax. Well just get somebody else.
There is nobody else.
I thought everyones dying to be in this.
Not this scene.
This is the key scene.
If we dont get this, Hugo´ss not gonna buy it.
Yeah, well, somebodys gotta step up.
- Why are you looking at me? - Because youre doing it.
Whoa, whoa, Mr. I-Just-Wanna-Bang-Hot-Chicks.
Heres your first chance.
Klitz, I cant act and direct, okay?
Oh, okay, fine. Ill direct.
- Youre a director now? - Yeah, I am.
Okay, Spielberg, what lens will you use?
- Its a video camera. - So?
Dude, you dont need to change the lens on a video camera.
You know what? Take this camera and shove it up your ass!
Ill do it.
Ill do it.
You guys have been great, but this is my mess.
- Ill clean it up. - Matt. Matt.
Your face is gonna be in this. Think about that.
- Come here, baby. - Lets...
Pictures up, people.
Are you ready, hon?
Okay, lets do this.
What the hell is going on in here?
- Nobody move! - Oh, shit.
Who is in charge of this?
I asked you people a question!
Who is in charge here?!
All right, everybody, take five.
I cant do this.
What are you gonna do?
I dont know. Doesn´tt matter.
Ill do it.
Klitz, its cool. You don´tt have to-
No, no, Im doing it.
Because were a fucking tripod.
All right, here we go, people. Pictures up.
Listen, I know this is unprofessional...
...but I think youre really cute.
How we doing, Klitzy?
Fucking great, man.
Lets do this.
See you guys.
Good night, guys.
...whats the craziest thing you´vve done lately?
- Hello? - Were dead.
- Eli? - Dude, the tapes not here.
- I cant find it. - What?
Dude, Im not kidding, okay? I´vve looked everywhere, okay?
All right, calm down.
No, dude, you calm down! Its gone!
- What do you mean its gone? - I mean it´ss freaking gone.
Somebody stole it!
Matthew, could you come in here?
This is Mr. Simon.
He says he has something very important to discuss with us.
Why dont you sit down.
Actually, if you dont mind...
...may I have a word with the boy alone first?
So how was prom?
- Thats mine. - You know, we were fine.
But now you go and do this? This was my idea.
Now Im really gonna fuck your shit up.
Im gonna need that back.
Take it from me.
...what are you gonna do?
I dont have to do anything.
Hugo Posh will.
Yeah, hes my partner on this, 50-50.
So could I please have my tape back?
Fuck you. Im taking your half then.
No. That moneys going to Samnang. The money you stole from him.
You say that like I care. I dont give a shit.
Youre giving me your half.
And if I dont?
- Okay. - ´OOkay,´´´ what?
Show them the tape.
Im not fucking around.
I just dont care anymore.
...is gonna be interesting.
Dan, Marci, Mr. Salinger...
...would you mind joining me in the living room for a second?
Matthew, is there anything you want to say before we watch this?
Okay, then. On with the show.
Hello. Im April.
And Im Ferrari.
You may recognize us as stars of the adult entertainment industry.
And today were taking time out to talk about...
...a very important subject.
- Sex. - Sex.
Special events such as senior prom...
...place added pressure on young teens...
...to lose their virginity and engage in unprotected sex.
I know I lost my virginity at my senior...
...prom. Whend you lose yours, April?
- When I was 10. - Moving on.
In this video, well go through.
...everything from kissing to foreplay.
And for our finale, well show you how to put a condom on properly...
...using a real person.
No cucumbers or bananas in this video.
So for those of you naughty boys...
...expecting to see a raunchy porn video...
...you might as well turn this off now...
...because youre not gonna see sex.
What the fuck is this shit?
Youre gonna see sex education.
The ELl EXPERIENCE presents
ADULT EDUCATION Sex Education for the 21st Century
This is interesting, Matthew.
Yeah, I think its a great idea.
Well, you remember those sex-ed films back in our day.
Well, Ill tell you, if they were anything like this...
...we sure wouldve paid more attention, don´tt you think?
I think its atrocious.
...the hell with it.
The kids today are so goddamn screwed up...
...maybe this is the only way you can reach them.
You just might have something here, Matthew.
I think its pretty wild.
This could really sell, dont you think?
Howd you come up with such an idea, Matthew?
What can I say?
Its like a gift, you know?
Its like I can´tt control it.
Weve Only. Just Begun.
Courtney Booth. I will always remember late nights in Cabby-
Eric Zierdal. Ill always remember-
Kurt Kilgore. I will-
I will always remember wrestling and the great memories we had.
Matthew Kidman. I will always remember...
...the three legs of the tripod.
Im here with Hugo Posh, the producer of Adult Education...
...the hottest-selling sex-education video ever made...
...being utilized in classrooms across the globe.
Hugo, youre known primarily as a hard-core pornographer, correct?
My business partner.
Let me break it down for you
See, Hugo Posh isnt just tits. He isn´tt just ass.
I mean, yes, he is those things, but Hugo Posh is also heart.
What an ass-bag.
THE JUICE WAS WORTH THE SQUEEZE
My student advisor.
All right, people.
Lets make some fucky-fucky.
Now, Hugo, you and your partner have made millions on this.
So who is this silent partner?
Well, he prefers to remain anonymous.
You better cure cancer, kid.
The next Einstein.
All right. Yeah, next question.
- All right. - Elis calling card.
- How about you, buddy? - Yeah, Mr. Brooks...
...why did you decide to skip film school?
Dont you think you´rre a little young?
Shut the fuck up!
Next question! Faster!
I got the tape! Can you see? I got the tape!
For our finale, I will now demonstrate...
...the proper technique...
...for putting a condom on the real thing.
Is my volunteer ready?
Klitzs big debut.
Shut up, shut up! Here he is, here he is.
Jesus, look at that guy.
He is huge.
My own scholarship to Georgetown.
And of course, Ill never forget...
...the girl next door.
As for me...
...Im just going with it.
GI Joe Valor Vs Venom CD1
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