If Lucy Fell
Wake up, please, sir.
Itīs Calendar Day.
forget about Calendar Day.
Wrong answer, Dick.
- Whatīre you doing? - Itīs Calendar Day.
- Wake up. - What time is it?
Sheīs gone already.
One more wasted day.
Not true, devil girl!
Come on, baby, be there.
Come on, where are you?
Sheīs probably got some manīs face in an unspeakable place now.
Lucy, come on!
Come on! Hello. My girlfriend Jane.
that right there?
Whatīs going on?
Thatīs just her brother.
Thatīs her gay brother.
Whatīs her gay brother doing to her?
Oh, my God. Why?
That should be illegal. You canīt have naked men wandering around. Disgusting.
Joe, donīt you think this painting youīve done ofJane in the kitchen...
is a tad incomplete? That there might...
I canīt hear any assholes talking!
Okay, Dick, rise and shine, and leave.
Come on, Lucy. Itīs Saturday. Letīs snuggle.
Hereīs five dollars, all right?
Go buy yourself a nice breakfast.
My friend! Man, I love you! I love you!
- Get the hell off me! - Iīll be right back.
Dick, Richie, Rich, Ricardo.
Joe, have you seen my shoe?
Have I seen your shoe? No.
Come on, Lucy, letīs do this.
You all dressed?
You can get it next time.
You are too brutal, Lucy. Give the guy a break.
Bye, I had a nice time. Iīll call you.
- Youīre doing it again. - What?
Mushing my head out the door. Could you not...
- do that? - I wasnīt mushing. You were leaving.
I canīt take this anymore.
Lucy, I want you to decide.
After two-and-a-half years of sleeping with you...
going to dinner...
not seeing anyone else...
I think I may have given you a ring at one point.
Okay, am I?
Are we boyfriend and girlfriend, or no?
Let me see.
Lucy, not the hug test again.
Missed a spot.
What is up with that guy?
You know, Dick is Dick.
Listen... Did you guys used to?
We used to.
Did you go down on him or...
I was wondering, do guys like that better than...
- Really? - Absolutely.
- Youīd take that over that. - Any day of the week.
does he have a...
Bigger than me?
You have. After I shower.
Yeah, but never in its full...
- Ten. - Five.
I said "ten."
Five. Guys always double it.
I had said...
- six? - Three.
- Three. - Jesus.
a lot of guys who say six.
Remember that death pact we made in college?
The death pact that we made in college?
Billy Gash had just dumped me and the girl you were so mad for...
wouldnīt even talk to you.
Her name was Betsy or...
I was in love. She wouldnīt look at me.
- I know. - I was devastated.
All right, what did we say?
That if we didnīt have wonderful, intimate relationships...
with serious familial possibilities by the time you turned 30...
weīd kill ourselves.
Iīm happy to be an adult and not have to suffer painful nights like that.
That was pretty bad.
Can you believe a death pact?
How old are you now anyway?
Like... 26, 27?
Whenīs your birthday?
March first. We have one month to go.
We are disgruntled people, dissatisfied with our present lives.
We should kill ourselves to get ourselves going.
Iīm going. I donīt need to die.
No, youīre not going, Joe. And neither am I. The world is a scary place.
And youīre the scariest thing in it so I must go away from you now.
Listen. We canīt waste any more time.
You must meet someone by age 30...
so youīre together a few years and you know you have staying power...
so you donīt mess up children with divorce.
That makes you 33 when you have your first kid.
Then you donīt hit menopause until that child is at college.
Any other plan is a disaster. Thatīs why we had a pact.
- Come on! - Weīre coming!
You stay there, kids.
we both believe in God and reincarnation.
Of course. So why bother playing out a sad life?
Divorce, unhappy children, unrealized ambitions.
If we donīt hit it in 28 days, we just end it.
Let God start fresh with us. Itīs selfish of us to think any other way.
Come on, Lucy!
Donīt listen to her anymore. Sheīs no longer stable.
- Shut up, Joe! - Be quiet.
Thank you. Okay, whoīs first?
I think... Eddy.
I like this guy Billy, but Iīm too afraid to talk to him.
Send him a note and tell him exactly how you feel. Twenty cents, please.
Okay, Iīll take it in a second.
Letīs see. Who might be next?
I left a tooth under my pillow and the tooth fairy only left a quarter.
You go to your mother, and you say, " Mommy...
if this is all the tooth fairy can afford, she needs it more than I do."
Fifteen cents, please.
I canīt believe you take their money.
They like giving it to me. It makes them feel like adults.
All right, kids, class time!
You have therapy now?
Come on, you little creeps! Get in there! Get in...
you nutty kids!
I have nothing to say.
Donīt you think that this whole process...
is about getting to your feelings of ambivalence?
What I say isnīt important. Itīs what you say.
Iīm sure thatīs what you think, but I have nothing to say...
and I think weīre out of time.
I might have something to say.
Maybe you can say it next week.
- Youīre welcome. - Youīve been a big help.
People with heads like balloons and eyes in the middle of their faces?
Sweet. Very nice.
A tough one for our expert over there. Gauguin. Emily.
That gross guy who sent his ear to his brother and then killed himself.
No, that was Van Gogh, Gauguinīs friend.
Pair up, you little munchkins, and start painting.
Come with me.
I called again. I canīt believe I called again...
making my lover my authoritarian parental scapegoat thus digressing...
in my analysis.
This clear, sort of Edwardian mystical martyrdom that I...
Did you just yawn?
Am I boring you?
Iīm so sorry my problems bore you, Lucy.
Yes, you do bore me, Ted. This story bores me.
Every week for an hour itīs the same thing:
"I didnīt want to call. He made me feel like shit, but I called."
It bores me.
It bores me too.
I want to stop. Why the hell do you think I see you?
Maybe youīre bored.
I look at the phone. I stare at the phone.
Then I pick up the phone. I feel I am the phone.
I am imprisoned by the phone, therefore I am a prison...
with the phone as my...
Whereīs your partner?
Couldnīt find a partner?
I know how you feel.
I donīt have a partner either.
Do you want to be my partner?
- What do you want to paint? - A rainbow.
Letīs start with what? A little red?
My goodness, who would leave this phone here like this?
How was class?
Do you think you help people in therapy?
Well, I try.
I think itīs possible.
The pain in these kids sometimes is...
It just makes me sad.
Oh, another deep painting subject day?
Why do you always do that?
Act flippant about things that are important to me?
Youīve reconsidered the death pact?
Youīre afraid I may be right. You wonīt answer one question.
What I hear you saying is youīre frightened.
Do you want to tell me, or do you want to keep projecting your fears onto me?
Iīm not projecting shit.
Why do you act flippant about things that are important to me?
I donīt feel that I do.
Thatīs your perception.
Itīs not perception.
I feel like a piece of shit when you act like you donīt care.
Thatīs how I feel. Thatīs no perception.
Are you having a crisis aboutJane?
I could understand if I were celibate, if I were saving myself 5 years...
if I were obsessing over someone and didnīt have the courage to talk to them.
I can imagine that I might be in a bit of a crisis about this person.
You have a glib response for everything.
Youīre in a little shell. You hide behind your smug, pseudointellectual...
Want to talk about being afraid? Letīs talk about Dick.
Why donīt we talk about two-and-a-half years of you hiding behind Dick?
You donīt give a shit about him. You could care less about how he feels.
And turn down everything thatīs come along.
If you want to talk about being afraid, forget me. Letīs talk about you.
If everybody werenīt afraid, then nobody would know how nice it feels to be safe.
All right, Lucy...
Iīll talk toJane.
Youīll go out with anyone who asks.
At the end of this month, if nothing changes, weīll jump off a bridge.
- This is it. You take it. - My God!
"The New York City Board of Education is pleased to inform you...
that having met the necessary requirements...
recommendations, your application has been accepted.
Just answer these questions:"
Whatīre the questions?
Theyīre giving us our school!
What are the questions, Joe? What?
"What is your teaching philosophy?"
Progressive but honest.
Like teaching kids to commit suicide if they donīt have boyfriends by 4th grade?
When do we get the building?
- When we get the money. - Whenīs that?
- Right now. Simon. - Excellent.
" Bwick Elias." Yeah, whatever.
- Howīs Joe? - Heīs terrific. Heīs good.
Is he still infatuated with that woman across the street?
Did you hate grade school, Daddy?
No. Did you?
Actually, thatīs what I wanted to talk to you about.
Iīve really been thinking a lot... Well, actually...
Joe and I were talking about...
Nothing. Really, itīs nothing.
You got your stuff into Harvard?
Mom used to tell me that if I...
sat here and wished hard, Alice would take me to Wonderland with her.
But Iīd get discouraged.
I must have come here every day for months.
And Iīd stand here.
Actually, Iīd sit right here, desperately, hoping, wishing.
But she never showed.
By the way, I have some mail for you at the house.
They keep sending it to my address.
You can have it forwarded to me.
It was great seeing you. You look terrific.
- I love you. - See you next week.
- Bye. - Bye.
Fuck. Youīre mine!
You look very pretty today.
- You look like an idiot. - Excuse me?
I meant you...
looked like an idiot savant.
I mean, I think you have savantian qualities.
I think we all do.
May I date you tonight?
Food for thought. Gotta run.
Maybe Iīll see you around.
Tomorrow night, 8:00?
Hey, Al. Howīre you doing, buddy?
- Is she in there? - No.
- You saw her go in. - No, I didnīt.
Iīm going to talk to her.
- I heard that before. - You are my best friend.
- I love you. - I love you too.
Okay, here we go.
- Good. - How you been?
- Good. And you? - Fine. Long time no see.
Just talk to her. You just got to fucking talk to her!
- Whatīs ginseng for? - They is for men.
- What does it do? - You know.
What does it do for women?
You just walk over and you talk to the woman.
Itīs not a big production. It doesnīt have to be dramatic.
You just walk over and you...
And you die, you walk over and you die because sheīs so...
- See you. - Thanks, guys. Have a good one.
I said Iīd kill myself up here with you in three weeks.
You could at least do my picnic.
Letīs get used to the place.
What if people see us? I hate this. Iīm freezing. Iīm cold.
I think if we jump, people will see.
Do you know what I mean? Hot chocolate?
You were saying you spoke toJane?
Yes, I did.
Really? Whatīd she say?
Nothing. Sheīd left the deli.
It was close, Lucy.
I donīt know what I was thinking. I thought of the genius plan.
I invite her to my opening. She comes. She sees how huge I am. Sheīs mine.
Thatīs very sweet.
You know me, baby.
- This is nice. - Thank you.
- Would you drink my spit? - Come on!
Can you take your weird survey somewhere else, please?
Iīll answer your question...
but this is the last time Iīll talk about it.
The last time. Forever.
What do you mean?
Mother Theresa and the missionaries drink the lepers spit.
I wondered if youīd drink mine.
How would we actually do it? You would just...
Iīd open my mouth and youīd spit in there, or what?
Would you spit in a cup and Iīd drink it?
No, no, Iīd be like...
Iīd pucker my lips and Iīd gather my spit in my lips like this.
Then youīd kiss me and suck it up.
- I wouldnīt be interested. - Really?
- You donīt love me enough? - Of course I love you.
- You donīt want to kiss me? - Iīd make out with you right now.
I just donīt want to drink your spit.
When people kiss a lot, they basically drink each otherīs spit.
But thatīs different. Thatīs involuntary spit exchange.
- I have a date tomorrow. - What?
- I have a date. - With who?
A really cute idiot savant guy I met.
He started talking to you?
- Where? On the street? - In a coffee shop.
You liked him?
You had to because of the pact.
I told you itīd work out.
I love this life! I love it!
- Hi. - Hi.
Thanks for walking me home.
Please, it was my pleasure. I had a wonderful time.
Yeah, it was fun.
- Give me a call next week or whatever. - Iīd like that.
May I use your bathroom?
the door behind you.
Tell me about your date.
He was nice. A perfect gentleman.
He took me to dinner and dessert and capuccino and...
then he walked me home and...
And then he...
He went into the bathroom and didnīt come out for a very long time.
He went into the bathroom and...
he didnīt come out for a long time.
Like how long? How long was he in there? An hour?
Like, 20 minutes maybe.
Go ahead. Come on. Go ahead.
It was nothing. It was just strange.
What happened in our bathroom last night? Did you hear noises?
He just went to the bathroom, thatīs all. It just seemed odd to me.
He went to the bathroom?
Yes, thatīs all. See? Just weird.
What, number two?
I donīt want to talk about this!
He took some stanky shit in our bathroom?
Is that what you mean? That man took you out to dinner...
bought you a capuccino and walked you home, perfect gentleman...
went into our house, into our bathroom, stayed there an hour...
taking a foul-smelling shit and then just left?
That is so disgusting. I canīt believe that.
God! What is that?
I mean, what is that about? Was he, like, trying to leave his mark?
You seeing him again?
You probably would.
Youīll see that guy. Youīre probably going to him now.
ROSES Are red, Violets Are Blue
Oh, Jane, how the hell will I get you to my opening
Will you send me away
Will you kiss me and stop me
From jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge
Iīve wanted to meet you for such a long time now!
- I donīt put menu. - You donīt?
- What is this, then, sir? - I donīt know.
You donīt know what this is?
Thatīs menu! Thatīs menu!
No, no, not menu, no.
All right, go ahead. Fine!
What? Donīt wave at me.
Iīm in another league here.
Iīm in another league.
What are you doing?
This would be the path where normal people run!
The weird triathlete training complex is somewhere else! Okay!
Run normal here!
Get off my path! Get off it!
Oh, pretty fast.
Run around the block?
Donīt you think I could run that fast if I ran around the fucking block?
Why donīt you try running 15 miles? See how fast you run that!
Suntan lotion! Got to look good for the big date tonight!
Get off! Iīll shoot you in the face if you donīt stop now!
Get off of me, you maniac!
- Got to look sexy for the girl! - Get out of here!
Got to look good for the big date tonight, kids! Suntan lotion!
- How are you? - Iīm beautiful, howīre you?
Iīd like to buy suntan products.
- Excuse me? - SP factor?
No, thatīs okay. Iīll just have suntan lotion.
What sun protection factor?
Oh, sun protection factor. "SP," sun protection.
- What do you suggest? - For you?
- Thirty. - Thirty.
Give me a four. Actually, better yet, give me...
that deep tanning tropical oil.
- Thatīs only two. - Excellent.
At least get sunblock for your nose.
Whatever it is you think youīre doing, do it away from me.
Why canīt we just love each other?
We have to be there in half an hour or weīll be late.
- Iīm not going. - Please, come on, will you just...
Let me see. Lift your chin.
Five years I wait to meetJane.
Let me see. Iīll tell you if you should worry.
Just lift your face. We must go.
Let me see.
Itīs not bad. I barely see anything.
- Come on. - Itīs minimal.
The white ring I mean!
I know, and itīs nothing.
No oneīs even going to notice it. Itīs fine.
No oneīll notice that?
Doesnīt it look weird?
Itīll be fine. Letīs go. You have to get dressed still.
Youīll look great. Donīt worry.
- What about makeup? - No, do not put makeup on.
Youīll look great. Leave it alone. Get dressed, letīs go.
Just be a sec.
How am I going to explain sheīs in every one of my paintings?
Sheīs going to think Iīm a freaky Peeping Tom freak man.
Only you can see that, okay?
You canīt see my girlfriend Jane in that painting there?
In that painting? Or that?
Not in that one.
Jane kissing God. Jane and the elephants.
The big loveJane. You canīt see that?
You see her face there, her clothes?
She has clothes?
Good, fine. Good. No one can see. Only me. Good.
- Whatīs wrong with you? - This is dumb.
Relax. Interview loves it, and I think the Voice does too.
- Whatever. - Itīs over 50%% sold, Joe.
Whatever, Rene, the girlīs not coming. Itīs just dumb.
- This one Iīm going to buy. - Really?
I think it sums up the historical sexual struggle so completely...
that itīs inspiring.
So you would consider yourself...
" Limp Cock Man"?
Where is Joe MacGonaughgill?
- Youīre... - Jane.
Yeah, I know. I mean, Jane, I know.
I know lots ofJanes.
Well, I donīt know lots ofJanes, but...
I have one...
good friend named Jane.
You really are pretty.
Thank you. Thanks.
You look fantastic.
Your dress is pretty.
I thinkJoe is...
There he is.
Joe... this is Jane.
Itīs good to meet you.
- I see you met Lucy. - We met over there.
I have herpes. I mean...
I just get very...
herpetic outbreaks on my mouth.
I wanted to look especially nice for the opening.
So today I did a little tanning thing.
So I put this sunblock on my mouth especially so I wouldnīt get...
any cold sores.
I didnīt get any cold sores.
I did get a white ring around my mouth.
I didnīt notice it.
Hereīs the thing. See, Iīm aware...
that you find me extremely attractive.
Thereīs a heat. Thereīs a thing.
I know this might be sort of eating into that moment a bit.
Into that thing... But I want you to know...
it will go away soon...
and Iīll go back to being...
the incredibly dashing...
you know, Newman-Brandoesque, you know, looking...
Iīve been watching you. I know you see me, us, together tonight.
Donīt think. I want to go out now with you all around the city. Just us.
I want to paint you, innocent...
us out joyful, good...
Heīs Bwick Elias. Heīs a painter. You paint, right?
Youīll be all right. Heīs harmless.
So, then, I guess that...
Bwick and I are just...
- Night and light. - Asphalt.
You have a...
Good, great, thanks so much.
I love your paintings.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
- Can I ask you something? - Yeah.
Are you involved with anyone?
He does have quite a limp dick.
But he gives the best damn head ever.
- Good. - Thatīs not good.
Ring the bell, make a wish.
Twenty more bucks and I get a room and dinner tonight.
But, please, anythingīll do. Your wishīll still come true. Here.
You want to try it?
Thatīs the way to do it.
Hey, it worked! Thanks for everything!
So, how was it?
My imagined ideals...
insignificant bits of nothingness compared to the magnificence...
which was her beauty.
I am completely in love with her.
She is Godīs woman.
And He has...
He has given her to me.
That sounds great.
You should be happy.
Yeah, because sheīs not a fantasy anymore to you.
Sheīs a real woman.
Sheīs a perfect...
By the way...
what was up with you leaving with...
I donīt know. Heīs funny. Heīs an idiot, but funny.
I sort of like dating. Iīm getting it.
What I do is sit back...
and watch as strange men...
try to impress you in weird and stupid ways...
and then you just pick the least disgusting one.
You better pick one of those least disgusting guys in...
the next 13 days.
You just worry about closing your own deal.
if we get the school, which we will...
but not weird boyfriends and girlfriends, must we jump?
Good night, Joe.
Can I get specifics on Bwick, please?
No, I told you everything. Thatīs not fair, you dog!
You were brilliant tonight.
- I hate you. - Sweet dreams.
- Was I okay tonight? - You were the best.
- Really? - Good night.
- I was? I really? - Go to sleep.
Come on, was I okay? Really?
I love you. Good night. See you in the morning.
Good night, moon.
- What? - Good night, moon.
Good night, moonie.
Good night, fish.
Good night, spoon.
Yes, I am Joe. Joe MacGonaughgill.
We met last night at your opening.
- Howīs it going? - Great.
Whatīre you doing?
Just hanging out.
Listen, can I ask you a question?
Would you like to have dinner?
Iīd love to.
- Iīll just give you a call. - Why donīt you just do that?
- Bye - Bye
- Iīm dating my new girlfriend. - Bullshit.
I got a date with her.
Youīre a hero. Piss off.
Why canīt you be happy for me?
- Why canīt you be happy? - Piss off!
- Iīll be down soon. - Wait.
Bwick Elias, Lucy.
You know, the painter.
Heīs nice. We talked. He wants to call you.
Iīd like to call.
Unfortunately, he was too overwhelmed...
with sadness by your untimely departure last night...
and he couldnīt get your number.
Too overwhelmed with sadness by your untimely departure last night.
But stalking me was apparently well within your comfort zone.
I made this for you.
You could have it.
Or we could trade.
Little birdie for your number.
5 5 5-6745. Cellular.
Little child speaks what we dare not say.
I dare for you not to have me call you.
I dare you!
I think I like this. I like this. This is nice.
- Itīs pretty. - I like it on you.
It doesnīt really matter because he wonīt call.
If you shut up, heīd call.
- And if I donīt? - He wonīt.
Look. If I wear these with it, do you think itīs too dark?
I like it.
Is she free tonight? Yes, she is.
I guess Iīll wear this tonight...
on my date, because...
he called me.
And down, slowly...
Rotate right, slowly.
Good. And stab!
I must go. Bye.
You brought a shrubbery.
I was at...
the flower store and...
roses seemed boring.
So you brought me a shrubbery.
I wouldnītī really call it a shrubbery. Itīs a ficus.
Itīs a rare and exotic plant.
- How wonderfully ī80s of you. - Fine, weīll kill it.
No, no! Donīt!
I love it!
I love it!
- You sure? - Itīs beautiful.
Weīll put it in my dentistīs office.
Iīve never done this in front of anyone before.
I havenīt felt comfortable enough.
I hate this!
Purple all around! Smears!
Smear of red!
Yeah, two please.
What are you smiling about?
Iīm just happy to be here.
I find it really hard to concentrate around you.
Iīm so into you.
Do you find it hard to concentrate around me?
Now and then?
which actually equals death. Life equals death.
Symbols of life...
and death and love.
Life equals death, which is in the middle...
The subset is love which is really what the symbol is: love.
Life equals love equals death. Itīs symbolic.
The woman with "life" painted on her...
and sheīs stabbing to death...
a man with a knife that says "love" on it.
Then in big letters it says:
" Life equals love equals death."
Thatīs not very symbolic.
Itīs kind of spelled out.
No, it doesnīt suck, itīs just that itīs not really...
You know, itīs a literal painting. Itīs not symbolic.
Which is fine. Itīs literal.
Right. Just literally sucks.
No, youīre right. It just symbolically sucks.
Certainly isnīt very literal anymore, is it?
Do you believe in...
a big love?
Is that a serious question?
when I was 16...
I was in love with a guy, William.
I was completely absorbed by him.
I felt like I had no sense of autonomy, no sense of being.
I almost didnīt exist without him.
I couldnīt sleep, eat. I couldnīt do anything unless he was around.
It was like I was just the same person.
And I thought that was being madly in love...
or "the big love" as youīd say.
I read an article recently...
about how overrated this sense of falling in love is.
People just seem to think itīs all that initial thing.
The flowers, the explosions and...
that excitement you see when you see someone.
And then what?
No one knows how to maintain that.
Thatīs what the big love is.
The capacity to reinvent the relationship...
expand and maintain the feeling.
And not feel that if you donīt have it, then itīs not working.
You walk out and find it elsewhere.
No, that big love youīre talking about, I think...
thatīs just for lovers.
you have some...
feelings on this issue.
I need to tell you, you went crazy earlier.
Sometimes I feel things, Lucy.
What you feel, I treat.
Do you feel that?
and our fingers...
All right, one kiss but thatīs all.
...you donīt think someone could see someone from afar...
...fall hopelessly in love with them and live happily ever after?
"One looks everywhere for something to lean on.
One is charmed by the hope of having found it.
Turns out to be a dream in which the harsh facts...
are scattered with the rude awakening."
Who said that? Cher?
Marie Ann Du Daffand.
Sheīs a writer.
You really are funny.
Do you know what you are?
Youīre a girl who stands...
of ever being kissed...
by any other man.
Thatīs what you are.
Howīs that girlfriend of yours? The one you have all those...
passive- aggressive voyeuristic fantasies about?
With all due respect, Iīd rather not hear your opinion.
You should let him help you.
He gets paid a lot to help people.
Wasnīt there something you needed to discuss?
Joe, come on.
What is it?
Joe and I have been discussing, very superficially...
this idea that we...
opening a kidīs school.
School for kids.
Thatīs a fine idea, sweetheart.
If you werenīt going to Harvard, then taking over the clinic, Iīd help you.
No, no, of course...
Youīre going to Harvard and our grade school is history?
What do you suggest that I do? Itīs all arranged.
It can be unarranged.
You mean rearranged.
- What? - " Unarranged" isnīt a word.
It can be rearranged.
You donīt just rearrange a relationship. It doesnīt work like that.
- Whatever. I have a date. - So do I.
Great. Five days to go, we both have dates.
But your credibility is shot. Halfway down youīd want to go back.
Thatīs not true. Iīve never been more resolved.
You lied to me.
Itīs like Mickey Rourke or someone that...
canīt make it to the bed...
and must do it standing against a pillar or something.
I must put you up here like a contortionist...
and do pliés...
to keep it in there and...
get it in there and...
be effective all at the same time.
Iīd be happy to blow your mind but...
can we just lie down?
In a minute.
- Have you had an AI DS test? - Negative.
- Fifteen for fifteen. - Youīve had 15 tests?
Every four months for the last five years.
Do you shoot drugs?
Do you fuck guys?
Do you sodomize junkie prostitutes?
Without a condom?
When was the last time you had sex?
5 years ago.
Then why all the AI DS tests?
I donīt want to talk about it.
I need to know.
Iīm embarrassed about it. Can we not talk about it?
Why all the AI DS tests?
What is it?
But you canīt even get it from kissing, let alone jerking off.
I donīt know.
What about phone sex?
Iīll have another test on Thursday.
I think weīre safe then.
I cannot maneuver like this. I need to be able to deal with you properly.
We have to lie down now.
But in the kitchen.
Iīll throw your sorry ass on the floor here and fuck you.
But you canīt see the floor from your apartment.
I know. I always hated that I couldnīt see your ankles.
Wait. What did you just say?
You canīt see the floor here...
from your apartment.
You know that Iīve been watching you? All this time?
All these years?
You know Iīve watched you?
Of course. You knew that, Joe.
I was watching you watching me.
I liked it.
Whatīs the problem?
It wasnīt like that.
Iīve been smitten. I mean...
I donīt want you to be...
I want you to be my girlfriend.
To be a reality.
Come on, Joe.
You never wanted that.
And if you do...
you better look at who is standing before you.
Weīre not reality material.
I didnīt know that.
Whatīs a cute...
smart, sexy, good-looking guy...
Why havenīt you slept with a girl for the last five years?
Iīve been saving myself.
I guess I donīt know.
Whatīre you doing?
How is everything?
Itīs fine. Itīs great.
- You? - Iīm having fun.
Iīm having a great time.
- Whatīre you wearing? - What do you mean?
Whatīs that? You slapped some paint on...
Creative. Howīd it go with Bwicky?
I donīt want to talk about it.
You donīt want to talk?
- I donīt like your attitude. - What happened?
Tell me. Talk.
We fingerpainted, all right?
He made me dinner, we fingerpainted and we talked!
I thought youīd be happy I had a nice time.
That we could call off this stupid death pact!
Why would we call it off?
Because, you and Jane and me and Bwick.
I like him.
You like him enough to call off the pact?
No, no, excuse me. I didnīt realize he was so special.
I donīt understand what this is all about.
Are you and Jane not getting along? Is that what this is?
A fucking painter.
Youīre in love...
with a fucking painter.
This is just fucking perfect. I just donīt believe it.
I mean, that...
"love equals life equals death"...
If you think that that fucking guy is coming into my house!
Excuse me. Your house?
Your house. Sorry.
Iīm out of here.
How are you?
Iīm opening a grade school. Iīm not going to Harvard.
And maybe youīll help me, maybe not; but this is really...
This is what I want to do, so I hope youīll support me.
Why do you do that?
Chuckle when I tell you something important.
Oh, honey, thatīs your perception.
Itīs what happens.
I tell you something thatīs important to me...
I donīt want to wait till one of us dies to get closer.
Be with kids who want to be adults instead of adults who want to be kids?
I hope you know...
how proud of you I am.
I hope you know how proud Iīve always been of you.
And of how much I have always loved you.
Thank you, Daddy.
I love you too.
If Mopey Boy paints upside down...
does that mean you must look at the painting upside down?
You think about it and weīll talk next time.
Get out of here.
Iīll see you guys all next...
Iīll see you soon.
What are you up to?
Whatīre you doing?
Putting money in the piggy bank.
To earn money for our new school.
I donīt want you to do that. Keep your money.
You look even more pathetic than usual.
I donīt care about her.
You whined about her all these years. Now you donīt want her.
What an asshole.
Iīve been living with this girl.
My best friend.
Iīm proud of you.
You figured out the girl in your heart isnīt the girl in your dreams.
Some people never figure that out.
Youīre Mr. Fucking Philosopher?
Is she in love with you?
Not anymore. I mean, not like that.
Not like anything. Iīve ruined it.
I once had a girl.
Iīll never forget the day she told me, "I donīt love you anymore."
I never wanted to feel that way, so I never took a chance.
I stopped breathing, thatīs how much it hurt.
So you can sit here with me...
and not breathe the rest of your life, or you can try.
Come on, look.
Paint her a picture, give her some roses...
write her a cute note and sheīs yours.
He makes me giggle.
But, come on, letīs face it, heīs a dick.
I mean, heīs like your old boyfriend, Dick.
Heīs not like a Joe, he is more like a Dick.
Why would I bring upJoe now?
Joeīs in love with Jane.
Beautiful, lovely, tallJane.
Iīd like to get her in therapy, fuck her up real good.
25 cents, please.
I think youīre really neat but I donīt want to see you anymore.
I want to show you something.
What do you see?
I donīt know.
Itīs a beautiful girl...
and I hope itīs me.
I really like you.
I like you too, Bwick.
But Iīm pretty sure Iīm in love with someone else.
Hi. Excuse me.
We should jump out there. If we jump here, the highway might break our fall.
Out there itīs just a straight shot down to the cold water.
I thought youīd break my fall.
What happened to Bwicky?
I wasnīt interested.
I donīt know.
Iīm scared, Joe.
What are you scared about?
What are you scared about?
I asked you first.
Are you scared because youīre in love with me?
Are you scared because youīre in love with me?
I asked you first.
Donīt try that hug test on me. Iīm serious.
No, if you donīt know after that kiss...
Doesnīt this feel incestuous?
Itīs like when I was six...
and weīd play "Seven Minutes in Heaven" with my cousins.
If Iīd have fallen...
would you have caught me?
I would have tried.
But who knows my physical capabilities...
straddling a bridge, gravity.
Iīm trying to think, two plus two plus one, minus one man...
If you can free yourself from your brain for two seconds...
and allow me off your couch...
I will take your crazy spit test.
I love you so much, Lucy.
I love you, too, Joe.
I Accidentally Domed Your Son
I Am Curious Blue
I Am Going Home 2001
I Confess (1953) Alfred Hitchcock
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