Welcome aboard. There we are.
There we are, take that. Do you want some more?
There, take that one. You'll enjoy throwing those.
Look, by the car! I can see his face.
Attention, please. Last call.
All visitors must leave the ship. Thank you.
Have you said a prayer for the journey, Sister?
Not yet. I'm so worried about the mixed bathing.
Who's that man?
I suppose it's the captain. Looks like Ted Heath.
- On your own? - Yes.
- Wave. - Thank you.
Wave to your father.
One for you.
Stop skiving, you bugger.
Welcome aboard. Your last orders for streamers.
You want me to throw it?
- Probably been searching for drugs. - Maybe he's been arrested.
You all right?
Yes, thank you.
- Right, Humphrey, my place or yours? - Bleeding mess!
So much for farewell parties. Put that cigarette out!
Welcome aboard, sir.
Welcome on board.
I can't guess what you're going to say to me.
You've been on a ship before, haven't you?
Welcome aboard. Welcome!
- You come to amuse us? - No, I've come to watch you work.
That's a joke, for a start.
We think it's in the gears. Getting it out now.
- Get that damn thing up. - Right, sir.
Come on, move yourself, lad.
My tea, please.
Come on, below decks. Haven't got all day.
- Come to eat. - Just a minute.
- Come on. - Just a minute!
Nancy, come on.
Good evening. All passengers are invited to the Atlantic Lounge...
where a game of cutthroat Bingo will take place.
The caller being yours truly, Mr. Curtain.
All the fours, knickers!
Little song, little song entitled...
I Can't Get Over You, So I'll Have To Get Up and Go Round.
Good evening, ladies.
This is to remind you that our hairdressing salon is now open.
Anthony, our coiffeur, is waiting to give you his personal attention.
- Mr. Curtain. - Thank you very much.
- Madam? - No.
For you, madam?
How can he eat?
Come on, you dogs, walkies.
I'll have you in the bloody curry if you don't move.
- Jesus! I'm sorry. - No, no.
I'm terribly sorry.
Are you all right?
Not that line there. That line there. Except when you're serving.
It's that line there. Now your service.
Mr. Curtain, everybody happy?
There's Bingo at 10:00, fancy dress party tonight.
- Sister, wait. - Blimey, they're early!
34-31 west, sir.
Almost mid-Atlantic. Not bad, considering...
Not bad considering the ship's still being rebuilt around our ears.
- Morning, Number One. - Morning, Sparky.
- Sparky. - Morning, Jim.
Latest weather advertisement.
It should make the Captain sing with joy.
I'll check my theory.
Good morning, sir.
Good morning, Number One.
Have you brought me some weather?
You know Mrs. Bannister.
- My first officer, Mr. Hollingsworth. - Good morning, Mr. Hollingsworth.
Did you sleep well?
Chief, Alex here.
Look, we persuaded the company to spend $40,000 on new gyros.
It might be good fun if they worked, don't you think?
What are gyros?
- They stop the ship from rolling. - Is that what it said on the wrapper?
The company's just bought them.
Then the company must have bought them second-hand.
We're working on it.
What's this drum supposed to be?
I don't know, sir. Turned up after the refit.
Bloody shipyard! If they'd finished their job in time...
we wouldn't be carrying half their garbage over the... Yes, sir!
- Leave it with us, sir. - Tell me, how long?
The best part of the day.
I'm sure the passengers will be thrilled to bits. Thank you, Freddy.
I'd offer you some, but there's only two cups.
Thank you, I've already had some.
Is everything going to be smooth and beautiful?
Of course! You read the brochure.
Slow her down to 16...
and notify the office that we'll be in overtime with the New York dock crew.
Company's going to moan about that. Chairman's always pleading poverty.
That's the chairman's job, isn't it?
Thank you, Number One.
Is that rough?
Starboard, 10. Steady on 3.
My theory was right.
$5, you owe me.
Please try and eat something.
The pencil's writing again, Daddy.
Try to be sensible.
What's it say?
It says a few hundred pounds. Now, please, be careful, will you.
- Yes? - Mr. Nicholas Porter?
- Yes, speaking. - Managing Director of the Sovereign Line?
Yes, who is this?
For the purpose of this, and subsequent conversations...
my name is...
I'm ringing about your ship, the Britannic.
Yes, what about her?
Seven explosive devices...
7,000 pounds of amatol...
have been placed aboard your vessel.
If she holds her present position, shortly after dawn tomorrow...
Britannic's time, she will blow up.
The time is 9:16.
Exactly six minutes ago...
my devices were automatically armed...
by clockwork mechanism.
They are now live, active...
and waiting for the dawn.
It follows that I have the information...
that will render the bombs harmless.
I will give you this information, Mr. Porter...
for the very modest sum...
I do not wish to see anybody harmed, Mr. Porter.
Any loss of life...
resulting from your company's refusal to cooperate...
will be your responsibility and yours alone.
No doubt you will instruct your captain...
to make an immediate search for my devices.
He will find seven steel drums.
painted green with a yellow band near the top.
Once they are located...
no attempt should be made to move them.
If the position of any drum is altered...
it will explode instantaneously.
Any attempt to dismantle any of the devices...
will have the same result.
An immediate explosion.
The devices are booby-trapped in various ways.
I need hardly add...
that I would not have embarked on an enterprise of this kind...
if I were not totally confident...
of my own expertise in these matters.
I realize you will have to discuss this matter...
with your fellow directors...
and with the appropriate authorities.
You will hear from me...
within two hours.
I will then give you precise instructions about the payment...
of the $500,000.
To demonstrate my skill and sincerity...
I have arranged a small demonstration...
which should occur as I am speaking to you.
I trust this will cause no serious personal injury.
There we are, my old flower.
I won't hurt you.
Look at this.
What a pitiful little bomb.
Would you like a biscuit?
I can't stand enthusiastic amateurs.
I hate to bother you, Skipper...
but the radio in the truck's for you.
Rather urgent, they say.
This is also...
He does say he's an admiral, if that makes any difference.
So he's an admiral. So he can get stuffed.
It's a big job coming up.
Mid-Atlantic, on a liner.
I need a holiday.
The old firm...
the best in the business.
The undefeated champion!
Knocked out the first round...
You clean up, we'll go collect our medals.
Fallon's the champion!
Can we go back in now, please?
Doesn't anybody work in this bloody country anymore?
Look at that!
- Can we really go in? - Can we go back in now?
A quick chat to an admiral and then...
his so-called demonstration bomb...
exploded 20 minutes ago on board.
- Damage? - Minor.
- Anyone hurt? - One injury.
He said dawn tomorrow. What time is that?
She's sailing a minimum-speed pattern.
That's near 35 degrees west, plus two time zones.
Her dawn will come at 6:10, that's 8:10 our time.
Which gives us just under 22 hours to find...
Is it possible?
I'll know that at 8:10 tomorrow.
Now, what we're doing is...
we're going to set up a special operations center.
There's no shortage of manpower. It's time, is the problem.
We've got our telephone trace organized...
for when he calls again, if he calls.
We've gone through our list of possible suspects.
That is, all the boys who understand big bangs.
Because I lay odds...
our friend learned his trade in the Armed Forces.
That can only be an assumption at the moment.
However, here is our list.
I've arranged for the War Office to supply you with their radical list.
Arabs, Irish, anarchists.
An explosives ordnance disposal team...
under Lieutenant Commander Anthony Fallon...
will be on its way to the Britannic in just a few minutes' time.
They are under orders to immediately defuse Juggernaut's devices.
May I say, for the Sovereign Line, how much we appreciate...
the efficiency and urgency that has been shown by the Services...
and by the police.
My wife and two kids are on the Britannic.
Before we move on, I wonder, Mr. Porter...
will you please clarify your company's intentions in this matter?
Your course of action.
We intend to wait for Juggernaut's call...
note his instructions, and pay the ransom.
- What would you suggest? - Not paying the ransom.
We're well aware of the risks, Mr. Porter.
But it is the view of Her Majesty's government...
the view, the policy, the determination...
to resist extortion by terror.
It isn't a hasty decision.
It's the result of a long series of similar situations...
both at home and abroad.
It's a simple question of responsibility.
Responsibility to ourselves and to other governments.
Responsibility to 1,200 people aboard my ship, that's my responsibility.
I take the point, but we can't consider this case in isolation.
If you take a broad enough view, you can justify anything.
Let us examine the broad view.
a firm that has received substantial government subsidies...
and a $20 million loan.
- Do you buy my conscience with a subsidy? - No.
But we have the right to your understanding.
And if we proceed regardless and pay the ransom?
That's your right, in a free democracy.
To coin a phrase.
The Armed Forces are, of course, obliged to conform to government policy.
Mr. Nicholas Porter?
Managing Director of the Sovereign Line?
How are things aboard your ship?
There's been an explosion.
Hardly that, Mr. Porter.
Not what I call a real explosion.
I've seen real explosions, Mr. Porter.
They destroy people.
It's very important that you understand one thing.
The ship has encountered very bad weather.
Gales, very heavy seas.
There is no way that the passengers can be taken off.
Blue Boy Trace...
50 Grosvenor Street.
Registered, House of Worth...
- Fashion House. - Three blocks.
- Blue Force respond. - Too bloody near.
How do we defuse the bombs?
Here are your instructions.
At the Lost and Found counter of Waterloo Station...
you will ask for two matched plaid suitcases...
bearing the initials D.J.S.
In one of the cases, you will find a brown windcheater.
In its pocket, a key to locker Number 93...
at the West London Air Terminal.
These suitcases, and only these...
are to be packed with $20 notes.
will be exactly $500,000.
The serial numbers on the notes will be random.
not me, of course...
will collect the cases from the Air Terminal luggage locker.
If any attempt is made to follow him...
you will not hear from me again, and your ship...
I said, too bloody near!
Crafty sod. Two lines.
One feeding in, other feeding out.
Dangling us on a wire.
If the sea looks too rough, don't be afraid of going under.
- The oxygen will keep you alive. - Really?
The deeper you are, the safer you are.
You're the expert.
- First trip? - Yeah.
Don't worry. The law of gravity's on your side.
Just like falling out of an airplane. Your first trip, too?
You don't like boats, do you?
No, I bloody don't.
- How much longer? - Three hours.
- Weather like? - Lousy! But it's getting worse.
Two chaps there never even saw parachutes before.
Yes, I don't like the smell of this one.
Why don't you pack it in, then?
Absolutely no chance.
Give you the man's name, the man's telephone number.
Nice cushy job, working the oil rig.
Jump on the oil boom, no risks. Light your own fuses...
- and take care of your family. - Why don't you take it?
no mortgages and no future.
But I do have one small talent...
developed to near perfection.
Yes, the undefeated champion, are you?
I wish it was a talent for playing the violin.
All right, Charlie.
- Mr. Curtain! - I'm sorry.
The next "I Spy" is mine!
Despite the inclement weather...
the deck tennis tournament will still take place.
All passengers wishing to enter...
should put their names down on the notice on the bulletin.
- Officer. - Yes, sir.
Do you mind telling me why we're traveling in circles?
- Circles, sir? - A while ago...
the waves were coming from the front, now they're coming from the side.
It's that kind of sea, sir.
North Atlantic, you know.
A half-hour ago, the sun was on the port, now it's on the starboard.
- Is it that kind of sun? - Must check the steering gear.
And about that explosion this morning.
Just blowing of Number Two boiler, sir.
Buddy, I am by profession a politician.
The mayor of a rather large city, as a matter of fact.
In my line of work, you have to learn to lie...
with remarkable precision.
You also have to know how to recognize a lie when it bites you in the ass.
And I have just been bitten.
convey your complaint to the captain, sir.
Owing to circumstances beyond our control...
the ship's pool "How many miles we've traveled during the day"...
will now no longer take place.
Can we have some more money for the fruit machines?
We didn't come on this ship to feed fruit machines.
- Why did we come? - To be sick.
David, there's a book over there for you.
I spy Ships.
Isn't there anything for me?
- I think there's a big hole in the ship. - Good!
Tea and toast for madam.
- Thank you, but I really don't think... - No, good for you.
There's a big hole in the ship, isn't there?
No. No hole in ship.
All the sailors seem worried.
No. Not worried. Everything fine.
I'm going to spy that hole.
Lunch for madam.
Thank you. It's very thoughtful of somebody.
- You happy in your work? - Very much.
It's a good ship?
It's my home.
Your home won't keep still.
I'm born in Africa.
Black government doesn't like me, because I'm Asian.
Go to England, and white government doesn't like me because I'm Asian.
So, my home.
- It's a sad world for refugees. - I'm very happy on this ship.
I don't believe you. I think you're all very unhappy...
- What's wrong? - Nothing's wrong.
It's very bad seas.
You ask Captain?
I can't go around asking the Captain intimate questions about his ship.
Oh, dear, oh, dear!
Liverpool playing Chelsea Saturday.
Liverpool? We'll bloody murder them!
- Bunch of fairies, Liverpool. - Get off!
That means the ship's carrying explosives.
Give myself 15 points.
- Are we supposed to be earthed on a ship? - I don't know.
Return to 2-7-0.
- Signal to all vessels. - 2-7-0, sir.
"Am experiencing difficulties of an extraordinary nature.
"Would appreciate assistance if our position can be reached by dawn tomorrow.
- "I will sail box pattern." - Right, sir.
Some of the passengers are asking questions.
- Any specific question? - Why are we sailing in circles?
Tell them that we enjoy sailing in circles.
That seven men are going to jump into the sea from an airplane.
- They'll think I'm joking. - So?
- A question. - Yes?
Is it still your ambition to be captain of this ship?
- May I give you my answer tomorrow? - Answer a question with a question.
You ought to be a politician, not a first officer.
We'll try launching a boat when our friends show up.
Pick up stragglers.
You can skipper it, if you like.
I'd prefer to take the boat out myself, of course...
but you know.
I'll only take two seamen.
Don't want to overload it.
If we pull this off, I'll change my profession.
The church. Excuse me.
All passengers who had their photographs taken last night...
may view the photographs...
which will be on display very shortly in the table tennis room.
When I tried the haddock today, it came right up my nose.
I'll get it.
Radio Room, sir. Your call to Mr. Porter.
Scrambler. Aye, sir.
This is Britannic. Do you hear me?
You can do better than that!
Britannic here. Do you hear me? Over.
Nick. I want the whole picture. What do I tell my passengers?
Tell them the truth.
And tell them a Naval bomb disposal team will be there within the hour.
- An officer called Fallon... - Has the money been laid on?
We're not paying, Alex.
We've looked carefully at the situation. We've taken advice.
You didn't ask my advice.
Scotland Yard's working for us, the Armed Forces...
You didn't ask my advice!
Look, we catch the man, disarm the bomb. There's still 16 hours to go.
Believe me, Alex, it's a much bigger game than you can imagine.
It's 1,200 passengers and crew. Do you know a bigger game than that?
You have no alternative but to accept my decision.
But it'd better not be your decision.
I thought you put your case admirably.
- Please... - I apologize for being me.
Why don't you call me later in the week?
All right, let's go.
Service Intelligence dug out 112 bomb-design experts...
going back to the Boer War.
So eliminating dead, aged and infirm, leaves us 46 possibilities.
Right. This guy O'Neill looks interesting.
- He's inside. Doing 10 years. - Down the Scrubs, isn't he?
He's very clever. He's Irish.
Now, we'll check he's inside... No...
- I'll check he's inside. - He might be able to point a finger.
You've got the London list, and you've got the politicals.
How did he get the bombs on the ship? That's what I don't understand.
No security, that's why.
Check what comes off the ship, but not what goes on.
Bloody dockyard thieves, rivets for brains.
Why don't you piss off?
- Good luck, Brownie. - Yes, thanks. Look, I'm sorry.
- What? - About the wife and family.
You heard what Skinner said. Stuff it. It's all a bloody lottery, anyway.
There's an airplane.
She's a big bastard, isn't she?
- Move out the davits. - Aye, aye, sir.
Now I understand the circles.
Is it dropping the mail?
- Okay, sir. - Lower away. Down.
Take her over to the port side.
I'll try, sir.
Try to hold her steady.
Keep her head into it.
Hercules, this is Britannic.
Hercules, this is Britannic. Over.
Britannic this is Hercules. Over.
When your men are ready to jump, we'll try to give them a smooth sea.
I'll make a lee off our port beam. Do you read? Over.
Yes, I read you, Britannic. Over.
We've launched our pick-up boat about 500 yards off our port quarter.
Do you see her? Over.
Yes, we see her, Britannic. Over.
- You're a good navigator, aren't you? - Good? I'm a perfect navigator.
Are you a good jumper?
Stay and watch.
- Turn 1-8-0. - 1-8-0, sir.
This is my second trip...
and I've never seen anything like it before.
All right, chaps.
Double somersault with a twist.
Try not to think about it.
Green light. Good luck, jumpers.
Christ! Bloody mask!
Bring her around.
Let go the ladders.
Ladders away, sir!
All right, lads. Stick together.
Don't wander away. Swim under the waves.
He looks like my Action Man.
- It is Action Man. - It isn't.
Head for the boat. The current will pull us back.
He's going down.
Yes. Go get him!
Kick! Kick, you bastard!
You're not there yet, lads.
Take it easy.
I don't want to lose any of you now.
- Aren't you going back for him? - It's impossible! It's not a car.
We have a 5-mile turning circle. When we get back, he'll be gone.
Welcome to Britannic, sir.
Get off, it's my go!
...that they are bombs.
It could be a hoax.
Second, if they are bombs...
then the Navy will see to the defusing.
Commander Fallon is a skilled and experienced man...
leading a skilled and experienced team.
Inevitably, certain sections of the ship will be sealed off.
But because of the refit, we're all used to that, anyway.
The situation in London is that Scotland Yard...
has got the investigation well in hand.
Now if there are any questions...
How long until dawn, Captain?
A good 12 hours. Plenty of time.
Captain, without being an alarmist...
we're sailing on a ship that might hypothetically be blown up.
And the sea is so strong, it's too rough for the lifeboats.
That's about it, isn't it?
Yes, that's about it.
Thanks for your candor, Captain.
Just wanted a clear picture for my wife's diary.
- What's he smiling at? - Well, that's all.
Thank you very much for listening to me.
- Sorry. - Sorry.
What do we do?
- I'm taking two sleeping tablets. - There's not much you can do, is there?
I've lost them again.
As I was saying, before I was so politely interrupted...
Tonight's fancy dress ball will continue as per program...
and as if nothing had happened!
Are we downhearted?
Just a little.
Shall we go?
If anyone wants costumes, I'm the fellow to see.
Sparks, would you consider bringing Mr. Fallon's unit up to strength?
Your skill in electronics makes you an obvious choice.
Now do you understand?
I see the problem, but...
I think you're just doing all of this to impress me.
"'Come into my parlor,' said the spider to the fly.
"Off went the plate, in came the fly.
"She was glamorously and amorously molested."
Let's listen to it.
- I'm looking for your skipper. - He's down the line.
He's got his own little problem.
- You've lost one of your men. - Right.
I've been detailed to take his place.
- What's the plan? - Haven't got a clue.
Have you got any ideas?
There she is, my fearful beauty.
Alive and well, and living in sin.
Commander, Captain's briefed the passengers and crew.
- He'd like to speak to you. - Charlie.
- Skipper? - The clock's suspended in the shaft.
And the stopper won't reach?
Try the scope.
How do we break in?
Not through the plate, for a start.
I'll bring you back some dry toast, Charlie.
Marvelous cure for sea-sickness...
Where are the kids?
They might be helping the Navy.
What are we supposed to do?
I might dance naked at the ball tonight.
That could raise a laugh.
My husband wouldn't allow that.
Neither would my shape.
- Where is your husband? - London.
He's a humane policeman.
He sent us all off to visit my sister in the States.
Have you got anybody?
I'm not sure I've got anybody.
Go down with the ship, it'll be three lines in the Philadelphia Inquirer.
I might get drunk.
- Does that idea appeal to you? - Just a quick one.
You know, responsibilities.
- It's like the poem. - Which one?
Not Waving But Drowning.
Who's been blowing up what?
- What makes you think anyone has? - Well, I...
Can't be friendship.
You wouldn't be dragging me from my bedtime cocoa like this, would you?
I want to know who's active on the sea.
Yes. Well, now...
I'm not a grass, I don't point fingers.
You must be pretty desperate.
Yes, I am.
- Lives at stake. - Yes.
Let me see, I've done three years.
That leaves seven to go.
Seven to go with a bit of luck, and a decent Home Secretary.
I don't care, Johnny.
I really don't care who gets blown up.
I might know a few things.
Might tell you lies, tantalize you a bit.
But I don't really care that much.
It's all up here in my head.
And that's where it's staying.
Can you plug this into the amp?
I wish you wouldn't do that.
Can't get it in.
- Everything all right, Mr. Curtain? - A night to remember.
Can you hold the plug a minute?
We're short on squeakers because one of the cupboards has been sealed off...
but in times of crisis...
One squeaker between two answer your problem?
That's why you're a first officer.
I wish you wouldn't do that, cock!
All bombs below the water line, except this one here, by the galley.
And if they all explode together?
One big hole...
Fuel tanks under, but they can be emptied.
No critical gear.
Yes, that's where we'll start.
Just one little hole.
That's the one we play with first.
If my ship were an aircraft in the sky...
there'd be no question of playing with her life.
We'll try cutting a hole into the drum.
My employers would be on every street corner...
Iooking for someone to hand their money to.
- At least we can contain the blast. - This is still my ship.
It's my ship now, Captain. At least until dawn tomorrow.
Or maybe earlier.
Will you join me?
Here's to your ship.
I'm sorry for your troubles, but I do have a few of my own.
To the insanity of governments...
and the insanity of people who oppose them.
And the poor simple sods who have to pick up the pieces.
He's clever, your Juggernaut.
You're all obsessed.
Might even save your life, Captain...
There are seven bombs.
How do you know he built them all the same?
If he didn't...
you will be one of the first to know.
Funny place to find you, Mr. Baker.
Just filling in.
Always work for skillful hands.
Filling in between what?
If it's about bombs, explosives, things that go bang...
- It is. - Then excuse me.
I only work abroad.
And my last job was for the Foreign Office.
They didn't tell you. They promised to take my name off the list.
You can't trust anybody these days.
Complete details of your movements.
- When? - Today for starters.
Give us the right answers, you might get your name off that list.
- Nancy, where's David? - Think he went for something to eat.
- Have you seen my son? - No, madam.
He might be in the dining room.
Dining room closed.
I go look.
It's hardened steel. It's going to vibrate a lot.
Can't be helped. Anything is better than going in the front door.
- Want to give it a go? - All right.
- Okay, Alf, give it a go. - Okay.
Off we go.
Make sure these adjusters are right flat against the side of the drum. Okay?
Very gently now.
That's it. Okay.
If you were Juggernaut, Charlie...
how would you prevent us from doing what we're about to do?
Install a trembler switch.
One bit of vibration and up she'd go.
Beaten before we start.
The ship's engine would set it off.
Not if he turned the switch coarse enough.
That's it, Charlie.
That's it, my boy. That's the catch.
Now let's see how clever this Juggernaut really is.
Why don't you go and get sick, Charlie? Come on.
- Bridge. - Navy's rig. Seal us off.
- All clear. - Okay.
Come on. Christ!
All sealed. Good luck.
- What are you doing down here? - You're talking funny.
Cooling liquid on!
Steward Azad. We're shut in the kitchen corridor!
They're cutting the bomb open!
Christ! There's someone down there.
Open all doors.
We are carrying explosives!
Charlie, the emergency!
Turn it off!
You want to be more careful. Nice cases, them.
You've been retired four years, Mr. Buckland.
Is it four years already?
Anyway, at the end, they took me away from the action...
and sat me at a drawing board.
I was designing torpedoes. I was never a drawing-board man.
- Do you have a job now? - No.
I have a modest pension...
for services to the nation.
How have you spent today?
Early-morning walk with the chap next door.
This afternoon, gardening.
I was in the garden with him. Do I count as a witness?
Was it some espionage job?
Somebody gone over to the Russians?
Something like that.
No, he's clean, that one.
We've checked all the explosive geniuses...
all except two, who've gone missing.
One of those two?
Rigoletto to you, cock.
It could be those two. It could be one of a dozen others.
Just don't have time to check their alibis.
We're going to lose, aren't we?
Our two lousy suitcases. That's the score, so far.
Two seamen, a bomb-squad member drowned.
Another squad member and a ship's steward killed in the explosion.
Fallon's going to try entering the device through the faceplate.
So much for the Navy!
You say you've got the $500,000 available.
Yes, we made contingency plans.
If I were you, I'd pay up.
We've got the cases in the office.
What, precisely, is Fallon attempting to do?
He'll take up position at one of the bombs, alone...
and sealed off.
His chief petty officer, Braddock, will be at another drum, here.
There'll be telephone communication between them.
Fallon will make the initial dissection.
Each successful step will be passed to Braddock and duplicated.
- Supposing Fallon's killed? - Braddock will take over.
He will diagnose the mistake, carry on from there.
Ad infinitum, I suppose.
Mr. Porter, a man made those bombs, a man like us...
It's purely a technical problem.
I thought you were going to say a technical "exercise."
A chance to use your diplomatic expertise.
People are dead! Is that a technical problem?
Shouting doesn't help.
I know I must control myself...
and not question government policy in a loud voice.
I must write to the families of the dead asking them not to question the policy.
This time tomorrow, I could be duplicating 1,200 copies of a letter...
to 1,200 families, asking them not to question government policy!
I'll pay the money.
- I shall convey your remarks to the Minister. - Yes! I can imagine!
Delivered in beautiful, measured, Whitehall prose!
I can't predict the consequences.
These are the consequences. We're living through them!
Tell him to stuff his subsidies.
I've just been blown up by a bomb, Dad.
In my pajamas.
Yes, all right.
Now you go back to bed.
I think he made the amatol in his bathtub.
I still don't...
- May I? - Please.
I'm sending for the money.
Bridge, Captain here.
Fallon, in position.
No balls-up this time.
Closed until I say so.
Or until my chief says so.
- Understood? - Understood.
ask your driver to keep my room still.
- All ahead, dead slow, both. - All ahead, dead slow.
- With me, Charlie. - I'm with you, Skipper.
You sound terrible.
You were a bit late with the dry toast.
Looking at six slotted bolts.
One top, one bottom, two either side.
I think we'll start at the top. It's good policy.
That's what he wants us to think.
Let's try the bottom for choice.
I wouldn't have their job for...
At this moment I'd trade them even.
The radio officer said he was patching us to London.
This is the Overseas Service of the BBC. Today, Princess Anne fell off her horse.
Hello, Tony. This is Jeff Marder. We'll be following along, okay?
That's a great bloody help.
Clear off the line, Jeff. Give a man a bit of privacy.
Don't wander too far.
- Charlie. - Skipper.
Screwdriver is in the first slot.
I'm going to work my way around, clockwise.
If there's a detonator behind any of them...
I'll be suddenly shocked by my own mortality.
Still trying number one.
If at first you don't succeed, don't make a bloody fool of yourself.
Putting spanner on screwdriver.
Can you still hear me breathing?
I thought you were snoring.
I'm supposed to be the comedian of the group.
Number one's loosened.
Trying number one.
Just loosen it. Don't take it out.
Because the gang's all here
Zing, boom, tararrel
Ring out a song of good cheer
Now's the time to roll the barrel
Because the gang's all here
Will you tell me the truth if I ask you a question?
Personal, business, or just plain silly?
Have you ever been unfaithful to me?
If I chose to lie...
I could do so with remarkable dexterity. You know that, don't you?
Since we met...
Since we have been married, no.
And if we're going to die...
I rejoice in the fact...
that we're going to die together.
- Can we stay up late? - As late as you like.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Before the bandstand revolves to bring you music for the younger dancers...
one last dance from the orchestra, a good-old good one...
which I personally will demonstrate at no extra charge.
"The Lambeth Walk."
Thank you, Professor.
Two double scotches in the same glass.
- Lovely party. - Amazing.
Look, he's come as a dog.
Should have been playing the Palladium this week.
I failed the written test.
I think you're doing very well.
Don't patronize me, darling.
- I'm sorry. - Forget it.
I joined as court jester to smooth things out in times of crisis.
Overlooked the fact that I'd be just like all the others.
Maybe all we want to do now...
is to hold each other.
I'll give you an estimate.
If these hairy youths get their fuse wires sorted out...
may I have a dance?
I thought you'd never ask.
Civilization must be preserved.
They're all dancing.
- They don't know. - Of course they know.
- Number six is loose. - Okay, I'm following, sir.
Don't even know the man, and he's trying to kill me.
Haven't I told you about death?
It's nature's way of saying you're in the wrong job.
Now let's see what is hidden behind the bolts.
Did I ever tell you that you're a good man, Charlie Braddock?
Not when you're sober, sir, no.
- May you inherit the earth. - Six feet of it, I should think.
I'm going to take off the plate.
I'm going to infrared.
Looking for a light-activated trigger.
- Still there, Charlie? - Yes, Skipper.
The light's off. Save the last dance for me.
Here we all are, comfy in the dark.
Starting to remove the bolts.
Bottom, going clockwise.
I'm a little champion. Four.
There we are. Nice and easy.
All right, Charlie.
This is it.
Be careful with the plate.
Doesn't want to move.
We should have been burglars.
We'd have made a fortune.
There's the little spider!
Photoelectric cell, upper left quadrant.
You're quite right.
The unfriendly bastard is trying to kill us.
Light going on, now.
First bit of white light strikes this, and you'd be the new head prefect.
A sort of tape.
You're a clever man, Juggernaut.
Lower front section...
some kind of fuse panel.
Not nice, that.
Open invitation respectfully refused.
Off you go, Charlie.
Follow the yellow brick road.
Right. "In his master's steps he trod."
I'm going to the scanner.
Bottom first, right?
The first of the two normally closed relays, according to my safe-ammeter...
there's no current in the top blue wire, or the white.
The relay on the left is some sort of trigger mechanism.
On no account cut the red wire before isolating the relay contacts.
I may be stupid, but I'm not bloody stupid.
Let's have a little look in here.
There's half a dozen triggers hidden away in here.
All to be cut through before we reach the timer.
Starting to cut. Follow me through, Charlie.
- Right side relays. - I'm following.
Starting to cut the top blue wire now.
Now the white.
And the bottom blue.
Bottom blue. Got it.
Ready to isolate left side relay contacts.
Plastic strip should do it.
Slipping in between the contacts.
Downhill, this bit.
Captain, didn't you give my message to your driver?
- Damage report. - On its way, sir.
Damage Control Party, report to Station 8.
Sprinkler system's activated in main ballroom.
- Taking water, sir! - Watertight doors still closed.
Steady now. Wounded on the starboard side.
Bring the seas to port. Come port to 0-8-0.
Tony, what's happened?
Charlie's bomb happened.
Pay the man his money.
Flight Number 626 to Dusseldorf...
is departing from Gate 4.
Passengers who have not checked in, please go to Desk O.
The coach for KLM Flight 102 to Rotterdam...
is departing from Gate 10.
Passengers who have not checked in for this flight...
please go to Desk O.
British Airways Flight 568 to Zurich...
is departing from Gate 10.
Passengers who have not checked in...
please go to Desk O.
You'll need those for your luggage.
All right? Thank you very much.
Just pop them down. Thank you. Have you a ticket?
Thirty pounds overweight. To Dublin, that's $14.50 to pay, sir.
Excess baggage, $14.50 to pay.
- That's not in the script. - No, something's wrong.
I'll have to...
I haven't got the money.
Nicholas Porter, Managing Director of Sovereign Line?
You know bloody well it is.
Cancel all our previous arrangements, Mr. Porter. Consider the matter closed.
Funny voice he has.
What about his face? Did he have a funny face?
I haven't seen his face. I never met the fella, have I?
Tell us about it, come on.
Rang me up.
Said he heard I might be interested in a job. Dead simple.
Pick up some cases.
Check them in at the counter.
$50 on account.
And $50 later.
No questions. Simple.
So I got the first $50 in an envelope, through the door...
with a key...
Then you know what happened.
It was a lash-up, wasn't it?
Why didn't you take the $50 with you?
I'd spent it, hadn't I?
I blew a great big hole in your ship, Captain.
I better give it back to you.
There's a message.
How much did the man ask for?
Give it to him.
He's not even greedy.
$500,000 for your fine ship?
You couldn't even buy a decent trawler at that price.
Read that, Mr. Fallon.
"Negotiations have broken down."
There's only one answer for that sort of mentality.
You have to go back to the bombs.
Not many lives, that.
I mean, not in the great scheme of things.
Remember what the goldfish said?
"There must be a God!
"I mean, who changes the water?"
Specks in the universe, Captain.
Launch your lifeboats.
You've seen the conditions out there.
If we launch the lifeboats, half of them won't survive.
The thoughts of death do not impress me, Captain.
I've thought of nothing else all my working life!
My trade is survival!
Get through the next 24 hours!
All right, I know...
other people do it, too...
but I suffer from it in a more extreme form.
Fallon, stop drinking. I'm ordering you.
You don't give the orders.
That good and gifted man who planted the bombs...
gives the orders.
Charlie was a good and gifted man.
Just like that, Captain.
The tea break is over.
You can generally see where I've been.
All right, lads, back to work.
- The sorcerer's apprentice. - Yes, sir.
You've got a chance to make a name for yourself, posthumously.
All right, how far did Charlie go? What was his last move?
Inserting a strip of plastic between...
the relay contacts.
There's a wire.
Just a thread.
I can hardly see it.
The contacts are electrically closed.
Charlie's strip must have broken the wire.
- What's your next procedure? - Shut up, Jeff!
Clamping the contacts. It's very delicate.
I want silence.
Don't go too far, Jeff.
Here we are.
We're doing useful work after all, Charlie.
What's the point of being afraid? We've lived on borrowed time long enough.
That's the boy.
Observe the control...
and the restraint.
You're a good man, Juggernaut.
But so am I.
So is Fallon.
A good man.
There's some kind plate at the back.
A moving tape counter.
I'm going to cut it.
I'm sorry, Tony, Jeff again. How's the counter connected?
Connected to sweet bloody nothing!
Icing on a cake.
it's getting early. Time Fallon was asleep.
He's a bloody comedian!
The bells of hell go tring-a-ling-a-ling
Removing the mounting plate. Should find the timing device behind it.
Watch when you remove the mounting clips.
I'm getting used to his style.
First one loose.
There's something about his brush strokes.
Finding the second.
And his tone of voice.
Here we go now.
I'm lowering the circuit board.
Back to square one, gentlemen.
Another booby-trap and I'm the booby.
I want paint remover. Gallons of it.
And I want it fast, to every bomb station.
Clear the engine room.
- Malicent. - Finish with the engines...
quick as you can.
Good luck, sir.
or anyone listening in London, I've seen this same hilarious trick before.
Only once, during the Blitz.
German land mine.
The real entrance is around the side.
Go in the front door, there's a rude message.
Now, whoever built the German bomb built this one.
Superintendent McCleod, police. Juggernaut's voice was English.
I don't care if it was the Queen Mum.
Whoever built the German horror built this one.
How do we check? How do we find out?
I was working with Sid Buckland.
I was on his team.
Go see Sid, and tell him that young Fallon...
is in the fertilizer again.
I remember it very well.
Brilliant piece of design.
We sought out the designer after the war.
I regret to inform you that Mr. Sterne died in Munich 11 years ago.
Found this upstairs.
Different sort of metal.
It'll cut. High-speed drill.
- Won't it set off the trembler fuse? - It's a coarse trembler.
If it was easy, everybody would be doing it.
And then what would become of us?
Off you go, Digby.
I'll see you when I've discovered the secret of the universe.
Tony, your German designer's dead, but they've found Juggernaut. Buckland.
- I've got to get on with this. - Just before you go.
That trick land mine, how was it fused?
We never found out. Ran like thieves.
Blew up three blocks. The blast broke my leg.
Everything was burning. Buckland dragged me out.
Starting to drill.
Are we winning?
Two hours to go.
They still haven't reached the fusing mechanism.
"Move," I say...
and they move.
I give the order "smile," and I do.
I shall miss all that.
- What's this thing he can't reach? - The fusing mechanism.
The secret of it all?
Two hours to reach your fusing mechanism...
and you must get on with your master's business.
If it's any consolation, Fallon tells me...
that 1,200 deaths don't matter.
A speck of dust in the eye of the universe.
Something about goldfish.
1,000, 1,200, 1,400, I'm with him there.
you can care about one person, Alex.
Is there someone?
And is it me?
Fallon's found the fuse. He's afraid the bomb's going to blow.
- All passengers stand by lifeboats. - Lifeboats, sir.
There are two wires from the top of the detonator.
One red, one blue.
One fires the detonator.
Thus the big bang.
I'm afraid I don't know what the other one does.
I'm putting it back.
Get me Buckland.
I think you better put this on, sir.
- I can't swim! - That's why you're wearing it.
The ships out there'll have you before you get your feet wet.
- Officer. - Yes, sir?
I've just been bitten again.
Will the sea be very cold?
In my professional opinion...
And it will ruin your hair.
In your professional capacity, you're supposed to be cheering us up.
There aren't any icebergs.
Fallon, this is London Control.
- Tony, this is Jeff speaking. - Where's Buckland?
He's with the police. He doesn't want to talk about the bombs.
I want Buckland.
The time is 6:01. The mission is terminated.
Like hell it is. I know how he's done it.
It's just one small step. I'm nearly there.
It's 6:02. Take your men above decks.
My men will stay on till they've done what they came aboard to do.
Now stop pissing about and get me Buckland!
I can't explain what they did to me, not in official police jargon, that is.
- Who are they? - They teach you how to dismantle bombs...
But they didn't pay you enough, so you learn how to design bombs.
Taking lives, that pays much better.
And then one day you're old, and they give you a miserable pension.
I'm still good at my job.
Fallon refuses to leave. He insists on talking to Buckland.
I'll talk to Fallon.
And you think we should give way to people like that?
You make people like that.
It's all right, Tony, he's coming.
This is Tony Fallon.
If we're still on speaking terms, that is.
I'd like to apologize right here and now...
for whatever it is I did.
It's a joyous noise.
I'm sorry it's you, Fallon.
I'm sorry it's me, as well.
I thought you'd taught me everything I knew, Sid.
But there's a missing link...
that's making me a little nervous.
I know you remember being nervous.
Bear with me, Sid.
There's a red wire, and a blue wire.
One trips off the detonator.
The other is a booby trap, the sucker punch.
Now that's perfectly diagnosed, wouldn't you say?
Time's pressing, Sid.
I think in about three minutes.
I'm going to cut the blue wire.
My lads will wait.
If I go in the wrong way...
they'll know what to do.
Am I right?
Is it the blue wire, Sid?
Sid, it's too late to run.
I freely acknowledge that you are still the governor.
And one other point...
I'm very frightened.
And I know you remember, precisely, what I'm feeling.
All for the sake...
of one word, Sid.
Cut the blue wire.
Cut the blue wire.
Cut the red. R-E-D, red!
Fallon is the champion.
I didn't know what to do.
I'll take you down and get you a drink.
What, at 6:00 in the morning?
- You want one? - Thanks very much.
JFK (directors cut) CD1
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Jaal (The Trap)
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Jackass - The Movie
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