Kahpe Bizans CD1
Once upon a time, Australia was paradise on earth...
...with its lush hanging gardens, burbling rivers and antelopes...
...that bounded across streams. But one day, the land was gripped by...
...a terrible drought and reduced to a pile of cracked earth.
For 60 years there was not a drop of rain, nor any floods.
And the Arab girls stopped looking out of their windows.
Until they eventually decided to emigrate westwards.
The Najar tribe decided to head to the north west.
They crossed the Philippines, India and Iran till they reached...
...Byzantine territory, where they managed, by great good fortune...
...to find the west west.
We have arrived on fertile soil, thank God.
Now, we'll set up our village where this arrow lands.
We'll make this our motherland.
Here, our motherland is here!
No, here. Long live Superwarrior!
Long live Superwarrior! Long live Superwarrior!
Come on! Come on! Come on! You have a go! Come on!
Look, do it like this.
Great news! You've had 3 sons! You've had triplets!
3 sons, ha? And all 3 of them boys, ha?
Lord! Thank the Lord!
How's Earth Mother, midwife? Don't worry sir, she's doing fine.
After all, she's a Najar woman.
Thanks, Mother Earth. I'm off to the field.
Gentlemen, Perfidious Byzantium be brought to its knees...
...by industrious mother like these.
Torture all the Najars! Then kill them. And when you've killed them...
...beat them up again! Beat them up.
Grate them all! Fry them until golden. Fry them! Skewer them!
Skewer them! Make shish kebabs out of them.
The Najars! Your Majesty! It's me, Lombelicus.
Oh, Lombelicus, is it you? Indeed...
Dinner is served, your Majesty. OK, OK.
I was having an awesome nightmare. It's good you woke me up.
But you'll still be punished. But your Majesty...
Shut up! Don't call me your Majesty. How dare you wake me up...
...during the best bit of my dream!
But your Majesty... His Majesty Horribilis X VI.
Guards, take him away to the conservatoire.
You! Take Lombelicus to the lions. Let him cuddle the lions for a bit.
Anyone who doesn't like animals is incapable of liking people.
Anyone who doesn't like people is incapable of liking his Ex cellency.
Your Majesty! Your Majesty! Shut up!
I'm not your Majesty any more.
I'm his Majesty.
I'm actually mad at the guy. I'm being nice to him on purpose.
If he makes one mistake! If he makes the smallest mistake!
He will, Horribilis. Don't worry. What do you mean 'Horribilis'?
How dare you call me Horribilis? Take this! Take this!
Ex cuse me, your Majesty. Since you called me by my name...
...I'd have you fed to the lions. Then I'd kill them and stuff them...
...with straw. But you can thank God you're my sister, Theodora.
How inconsistent you are, darling. Minutes ago, you were sending...
...Lombelicus to cuddle the lions. Now you talk about stuffing them.
I thought people who didn't like animals weren't supposed...
...to like people. What was that Latin quote? Homini cipus... Cip...
Enough! That's enough! Shut up! You haven't even borne me a son...
...and you try and quote a difficult Latin sentence at me!
But, sweetheart... Shut up! Don't call me sweetheart!
I'm not your sweetheart... I'm his sweetheart.
I don't know if you realize this, but you've been pregnant 11 months.
I'm giving you one more month to bear me a son.
If you don't... If...
What? But I'm in the middle of dinner right now.
Yes, I did... An awesome dream.
How do you know?
Ex cuse me, I'm sorry. If you don't know, then who would?
OK, OK. I'm on my way.
I have to go. Feel free to carry on. Enjoy! Enjoy the spread!
Oh my God!
Your Majesty... What's up, Nosty?
It has to be major for you to get me up from the dinner table.
Well, I figured that you might want to tell me about your dream.
Yes, an awesome dream, Nosty. I saw a shooting star right overhead.
It was all different colours... My God! What happened next?
Then, well er...
This monster popped out of the star. Oh God, it was awesome.
There was a light in the monster's finger. Its eyes were enormous.
And there was a little girl. A Najar, I think, only she was blonde.
Then another Najar kid was climbing onto this war wagon with 2 wheels...
...and a basket in front. When they saw me, they stuffed the monster...
...into the basket and started flying like a bird.
They crossed the moon and vanished from sight. At that point...
...a load of words and letters began raining down on me from the sky.
And? Well, that's it. That's the end.
I see, your Majesty. I understand perfectly.
I mean, as far as I understand, this is a curse.
A curse? Yes and a terrible curse to boot.
You'll be murdered by a child born today, your Majesty! By a boy.
That's absurd! How's a tiny kid going to kill me?
A Najar! You'll be murdered by a Najar born today, your Majesty.
Are you sure, Nosty?
I mean, oh God, that's terrible! A Najar, ha?
A boy born today. Is that right?
What are you waiting for, idiots? Go and attack the Najar villages!
And you, Theodore. Get out of here! Attack every Najar village...
...there is! Kill every boy born today. And all the girls...
...while you're about it. In fact, kill every Najar kid.
No, kill every Najar under Kill every Najar! Kill them all!
Kill... Kill them all!
Let the chains symbolize the bond of brotherhood between my sons.
If fate divides them one day, they'll recognize each other...
...from these chains.
Well son! Your name will be SOS.
As such, you'll run to the aid of anyone in trouble.
Grow up with an open mind and a clear conscience.
Be smart, nimble and principled.
Well, son! I'm naming you Infidel so you'll spread fear...
...to the hearts of the infidels.
Grow up with an open mind and a clear conscience. Study in Europe.
Be worthy of good things.
Well, son! And your name... You shall be called...
You shall be called er... Ha, Go with the flow.
Superwarrior! The Byzantines! The Byzantines are coming!
They're attacking the Najar villages and killing all the boys!
Everyone to arms!... Hide the women and kids!
Archers, be at the ready!
Quick, get up and go to my tent. In the middle drawer you'll find...
...a helmet with a long chain. Bring it to me. Go on!
Yes, sir. Get moving, come on!
You guys, take the kids to their mothers and get the washing in.
Right away! Yes, sir.
Basketcase... Yes, sir.
Go tell the neighbouring villages. Let them be prepared! Yes, sir.
Come on, hurry up!
Don't tread on the grass! Watch out for your wallets!
Don't go drinking water when you're all hot and sweaty!
Go and do your homework, idiot... Go on!
Faster! Faster! Run, run, man! Archers to the village gates!
Geriatrics say their prayers! Come on!
Come on! Here you go, sir.
So what do we do with the chain?
Use it to tie me to the village gates, Buckteeth.
While I keep them distracted, you smuggle the women and kids out of...
...the back gate. OK?
But, Superwarrior. Our need for you is far greater.
I know, Buckteeth. If anything happens to me, I leave it to you...
...to take care of my wife and kids.
What about that sheepskin vest you got last year?
OK, you can have that too.
Here, hold this. Come on!
Get over here, scumbags! Here devils! Here, whores!.. Come here!
OK, man! Get over here, man! Come here!
Pull this idiot off the gate.
But it's Superwarrior, sir. Superwarrior?
You're scared, aren't you chickens? Get over here, come on! Come on!
Get over here, scumbags
Are they here, Superwarrior?
Mamma mia! Mamma mia!
Get out of here, they're coming! Run for it!
You're mine. Come here! Help! Get off me! Help!
Get off my wife, scumbag! That's my wife! She's mine! Fuck off!
I'm the only one that gets to ravish her.
Get off me, I said! Get off me! I'm telling you, I'm a US citizen.
What's he saying? What does he mean 'US'? Kill him too.
A load of babies! What's more, they look like they're all boys!
Run for it, Earth Mother! I'll keep them distracted!
Wow! Take a look at that!
Kill all the boys! And kill any childish adults too.
Let's pop you in there...
There she is! She's running away...
Is it me you're looking for, pig sperm? Come and get me! Here I am!
Come and get me! Over here!
Where did you find this specimen? He's shit scared.
Is he a recruit or what? Send him up!
These Najars appear to be well equipped for archery!
What? What is it? Who is it this time?
Who is 'doot' goddamn it? Who is 'doot'? Dupe?
Oh, Commander Theodore!
We've raided all the villages, your Majesty. Good work, commander.
So what's the score?
We killed all the boys, your Majesty.
We also killed the pensioners, widows and orphans.
Almighty God! Thank the Lord!
And we captured the women for you as well.
My God. I never saw a woman like that before, Theodore.
I'm not a woman. I'm not a woman, scumbag! I'm not a woman!
Theodore? What's the woman crapping on about?
Shut the fuck up, scumbag! I'm not a woman! I'm a man!
I'm Superwarrior! Superwarrior! You're going to die!
Thrilled to meet you. Killing you will give me immense pleasure.
You'll pay dearly for this, Susanwarrior.
My name isn't Susanwarrior, scumbag! It's Superwarrior!
So Susan... Susan... Susan!!
Hey, don't laugh! Stop laughing! You'll pay for this, Horribilis!
No one calls me Susanwarrior!
I'll give you Susan, man!
Even Father never called me Susan! I'm not Susan, goddamn it!
Bastard! I'll Susan him! Superwarrior's the name!
Poor man. How he's yelling. Who knows what kind of torture...
...Horribilis has invented this time.
My God! It's coming, nurse. It's coming!
Thank God! Thank the Lord Jesus!
Relax, your Majesty. I'll take you to the palace right away.
No, we can't go to the palace, nurse! If it's a girl...
...Horribilis will kill you, me, the baby, everyone!
But your Majesty... I'll do it right here.
What are you doing? You can't do it like that! You have to lie down.
Oh, nurse. I'm so stressed out, I don't know what I'm doing...
It doesn't want to come. I'm afraid it's another girl, your Majesty.
Lord Almighty, please!
I'm very sorry, your Majesty. I'm very sorry.
It can't be, no! I don't want her. Stick her back where she came from!
Maybe if I present her like this, we can buy some time.
Horribilis wouldn't fall for that. No way!
Oh my God!
Oh, baby! Sweetheart!
And it's a boy!
I hope it's now clear, dear sister, that you don't play games with me.
Her Majesty Empress Helena V, preceded by Nurse.
Great news, your Majesty. The Queen has given birth to twins!
Don't get so ex cited, your Majesty! I finally did it. I bore you a son.
Almighty God! Thank the Lord!
My son! My dear sweet son!
That's the girl, your Majesty. The boy's the other one.
My son! My dear sweet son!
I think I'll name you after my father, who I killed by mistake.
You'll perpetuate his memory. You shall be called Marcus Antonius.
Our daughter's pretty nice too, your Majesty...
Idiot woman! Why isn't she a boy? Why aren't they both boys? Retard!
Is it so bad that we also have a girl, your Majesty? Besides...
...you can name her after the mother you also killed by mistake.
That way you'll have a clear conscience.
Conscience? Yes, I'll feel better. She shall be called Emanuel VI.
Let her be like my mother. A whore like her!
Squirrels! Ducks! Pigs!
Oh my God! How do people get to be so wild, Basketcase? Look at that!
God, why isn't this baby sucking? I don't get it.
How's it supposed to suck through your dress, idiot woman?
Get your breasts out!
He's not sucking, Horribilis! What am I supposed to do?
Get off me, scumbags! Dirty dogs! Scumbags! Get off!
What a vile noise! If her voice is like that, what's her milk like?
Kill her! Bring me another woman!
I'm afraid we've tried every woman who gave birth recently.
This is the last one. OK, OK. Then let her breast feed the boy.
I will not! I'd rather die than feed the offspring of an infidel!
Get off me, I said! Stop pulling my goddamn hair! Get off! Get off!
You either get your tits out and feed the boy or I'll cut them off...
...and throw them in the baby's face.
Feed the baby! Here, take him.
God! The chain? Is it the chain? Yes, yes! It has to be!
OK, honey, OK. Suck, baby, suck. Suck, suck...
Father, why is SOS crying?
Why wouldn't he? His parents have been taken prisoner, his brothers...
...have disappeared downstream, his tent's been ransacked...
Wouldn't you do the same?
So that's your story, son.
One day, when you've grown up into a sturdy young lad, you'll become...
...head of the village, go to the palace and rescue your parents.
You'll get your revenge on Horribilis.
So when will I grow up, Basketcase?
When will you grow up? Look, son. You see these hairs?
Well, the day you can pluck one of them out, you will have grown up.
You'll have become a sturdy young lad, a man.
Go for it!
Not yet, sir. Not yet.
I asked the yellow flower, 'Do you have a mother and father? '
You see what your dear son's doing, don't you, your Majesty?
Mummy, you know Marcus? He can't even make the sign of the cross.
Hey man, don't piss on me...
Marcus, tell me why you can't make the sign of the cross, son.
I can't learn, Daddy. I do try, but I just can't get my head round it.
What do you mean you can't learn, idiot? So how did you learn...
...to ask the yellow flower about its mother and father?
I didn't learn that. It kind of happened. It just popped out.
Throw him into the tea kitchen! Let him make tea 300m underground...
...and come to his senses.
Wait! Your Majesty! I beg you! Don't send him to the tea kitchen!
Send me instead, your Majesty. He's only a kid. What does he know...
...about brewing tea, your Majesty? You're soiling my shoes, Milkmaid.
Take her away! Take her away!
Your Majesty, I trust you're not serious about having a Byzantine...
...prince thrown among Najar prisoners.
So what am I supposed to do?
He sings Najar hymns at church. He can't make the sign of the cross.
He's nothing like sadistic enough. He's smart, agile and principled...
...and behaves the whole time like a Najar. He may be my son...
...and the sole heir to my throne, but he should still be punished.
I agree entirely with what you say about Marcus Antonius, but...
...I do not share your view about dispatching the only heir...
...to the throne to his death in the tea kitchen, your Majesty.
OK, OK. I give up on that idea.
How about it, Makarios? Shall we send him to the seminary on Rhodes?
He'll not only be trained as a good Christian, but from what I hear...
...the school's economics faculty is also extremely good.
An ex cellent idea, your Majesty. Bravo.
OK then. Tomorrow I'm sending Marcus Antonius to Rhodes.
I beg you, your Majesty! Don't send him, send me instead, your Majesty!
Take this goddamn milkmaid away from under my feet! Catch!
It's out of the question unless you do what I say. Just once.
No way. First you have to become a man first.
How much, gorgeous?
I don't do it for money, big boy.
Innkeeper, bring us a pitcher of wine!
Hey Basketcase, when are we going to do the business?
First you must prove your manhood in the field of contest, SOS.
Fine, I'll prove it. But you don't let me do that either.
You want to put yourself to the test again, ha? I guess so, yes...
You see, son? You're not ready yet.
Oh no, the Byzantines are here.
Where to, gorgeous? Out of my way. I have to get back to the palace.
Idiot thinks she's the empress...
Bring me wine!
Innkeeper! Bring us wine!
Mitochondria... Play damn it! Go on, play!
Wow! There's a dancer here, too!
Get off me! Get off me! I'm not a dancer! I'm not a dancer! Get off!
Don't! Leave my girl alone! Don't! Don't! Don't!
Go on, dance for us!
I can't. I said dance, whore!
Lift up those arms!
And you guys, we want rhythm and tempo. Hey, let's see those hands!
Twist, twist those hands! Come on, twist them...
Who did this? Who? Who did it? I did... I did it.
Because a Najar dancer never dances!
Sorry, sister. Thank you, hero...
Thanks for your help. You're welcome.
Now let's see who's the best dancer.
So it's like that.
Yes. What's the problem?
What are you planning to do?
Kill the dogs!
Come on, let's pay the check and get out of here, Basketcase.
What do you say, Basketcase? Am I ready now? Can I storm the palace...
...and rescue my parents? Can I get my revenge on that dog, Horribilis?
Can I now find myself a girl and get my leg over?
Can I do this to her and then indulge in some after sex tobacco?
SOS, you can do anything you like now.
Prepare yourself, Horribilis!
SOS, son of Superwarrior, is on his way!
He's on his way!
Here, Basketcase. Have some hot bread. Thanks, Rabbit.
You know one day... The day will come when all this land...
This land which gallops as a mare's hoof from Asia to the Mediterranean will...
...become amazingly valuable. Meaning it would be circumspect to snap up a few acres now.
Anyway... Let's deal with this little challenge first.
Now listen carefully to my plan.
This is the Byzantine Palace here...
And I'm here...
Now if I strike like this, they'll all die.
It's not that simple.
I think we have to make a better plan and get into the palace.
Well what are we going to need for this?
A prince's outfit, 2 priest's robes, 2 crosses and 3 horses.
Oh yeah, how do we find 3 guys dumb enough to give us their clothes...
...right here in the middle of nowhere?
Sixth sense, was it? Look who's coming. 2 priests, a prince.
Get off me, shameless idiots! What impudence!
I am the emperor's son! I'm telling you, my father is the emperor!
I'm the emperor's son now. Liar.
Is your name Marcus Antonius?
You heard that, didn't you? We also found out the idiot's name: Marcus Antonius.
What's all the noise about at this hour of the morning?
Father. Who's this?
This character is going to be our prisoner, Martyr.
Keep an eye on him till we get back.
Yes, yes. I'm the prisoner.
If you want to be the emperor's son, fine, go ahead.
In the meantime, I'll just enjoy being a prisoner.
If he tries yelling, cut off his tongue.
If he tries to escape, break his legs. If he gives you dirty looks gouge out his eyes.
If he belches, cut his throat, Martyr sister.
Come on, let's go!
What sign are you, Martyr? Virgo? Sagittarius? Libra?
I hope he's not going to escape and make trouble for us, the pig.
Don't worry, Rabbit. I tied him up very tight, foreign piece of shit.
God forbid, but what if he does something to Martyr?
Don't worry, he can't touch her. I raised her like a boy.
She'd knock five bummers like him flying, God willing.
Stop fretting about Martyr and concentrate on the real problem.
That's the two priests.
If only you'd taken the bells as well as their clothes, SOS.
I mean, if they get to the palace, they could be a real pain.
Don't worry. Forget the palace, they're not going anywhere...
...in the outfits I fixed for them.
It's all so different in Europe. People can be Greeks, Najars...
...Anglos, Saxons, it doesn't matter. That kind of discrimination...
...is bullshit anyway. Ultimately, we live in the same land and...
...share a lot culturally. You're so eloquent, Marcus.
Have some more mare's milk. Please.
I'm want to say something, Marcus, but don't get angry...
You know, you're really nothing like a Byzantine. I mean...
...you're so kind, well meaning and so good looking.
If I saw you on the street, I swear I'd take you for a Najar.
I wish I'd been a Najar and you'd seen me on the street, Martyr.
Let's see, you heroic but filthy Najars...
Why the fuck don't these matches light? Are they damp?
Are they made in Byzantium or what? This one didn't light either. Shit!
God. I hope there aren't any Christians here.
I'm so happy, my brother Marcus is back from Rhodes tomorrow.
You won't believe it, but I missed Marcus Antonius, too.
Keep away! Keep away, man! It still didn't light.
But your Majesty, you were about to send him to the tea kitchen.
Of course I was. He was behaving like a Najar.
But I guess he will have changed a bit by now. I have no doubt that...
...he will return a good infidel after 5 years of serious education.
You know what I'm thinking, Helena? I'll make him commander in chief when he gets back.
I beg you, your Majesty. Make me commander in chief, not him.
I beg you! Guards! Guards! Take her away!
Take her away!
In the end I'm going to have this woman executed, it's just when...
What do you say, Makarios? Shall we make Marcus commander in chief?
That's up to you, your Majesty. But in the meantime, I don't think...
...General Theodore should be overlooked.
Well, he can be commander in chief of the Air Force.
We just have to teach some of our soldiers how to fly first. Ready...
These goddamn matches are driving me crazy!
Are you covered in sweat or what? Why have you refused to light...
...for the past 2 hours? Light for God's sake!
You know the window's open? That's why it's drafty and cold. And...
...that's why this son of a bitch goes out before it reaches us...
Shut the fuck up! Guard!
Shut the window!
Wow! He was absolutely right!
Are you OK, Theodora? Sure, I'm OK.
Marcus Antonius is back tomorrow. Oh God!
What's worse, Horribilis is making him commander in chief or something. Oh my God!
And the bastard's planning to make you commander of the Air Force. Oh my God!
We have to deal with Marcus before he gets to the palace, Theodore.
I want the best guys hired for this job. They should set off tonight.
Marcus Antonius has to be killed. My son is going to be emperor?
Do you understand? My son is going to be emperor!
Faster, Actifius. Swing me faster, animal! So I touch the column! So I touch the tree!
Hurry up! They'll be here soon.
We should have blocked the road with a tree. It's going to be tough like this.
Shh! Be quiet!
It sounds like they're coming! Hide, quick! Quick! Quick!
This is the end of the road. What do we do now?
What do we do? We dismount and cut a new path.
Attack! God! God! God! God!
We've been ambushed! We've been ambushed!
Well done, son.
You know what he says about you? And the stuff he says about you...
Holy shit! They all have bad blood.
Enough, that's enough. Look. We've killed them all anyway.
These Byzantines are totally out to lunch. They even attack...
...their own priests and princes. There's something behind this.
Speak, scumbag! Why did you ambush us, ha?
To kill you of course, your Majesty.
Man, if I'm your Majesty, why would you want to kill me?
Would anyone ever want to kill their Majesty?
Gen. Theodore ordered us to kill you without fail, your Majesty.
But he got his orders from Princess Theodora.
Princess Theodora? You know, your Aunt Theodora!
Why should my real aunt want to have me killed?
Why? So Prince Simitis can become emperor of course.
Simitis? Who's that?
Look here, are you sure you're really Prince Marcus Antonius?
You don't know anyone, man. Of course I'm not, idiot!
I'm SOS of the Najar tribe. Oh my God! They're Najars! Najars!
General Theodore is going to shit on us!
We found out what we were going to find out. Come on, let's get going.
What do we do with these guys? They know everything now. What happens...
...if they go to the palace and talk?
If you think about it, you also know everything...
I'll do to them what I did to the priests. They'll be in no state...
...to go anywhere, fascists.
Pssst. What are you doing? What's the plan, SOS?
Now, that's the palace. We're here. We make our way from here to there...
...and go in through the gate.
That's a bit complex, isn't it? Exactly.
And what if they don't let us in? They will, they will.
If they don't let in a prince and 2 priests, who will they let in?
Break up, man! Come on, break up! Stand aside, come on!
The grief they give us, this horde trying to get into the palace.
Anyone who gets their hands on 2 priest's and a prince's outfit pitches up here, I'd say.
Did you have another plan, SOS? Let's try the other gate, too.
Come on, quick!
OK. Now from here we jump up there. OK, Basketcase?
Basketcase, my man! Go on, Rabbit. For the love of God.
Go on, go for it.
It's kind of high, but here I come.
The Crown Prince of Byzantium, his Majesty Marcus Antonius I I!
Dear father! You look...
...great, Father. Did you gain weight or something?
Welcome, Marcus Antonius. We were expecting you.
I'd wanted to surprise you, but... You were like that as a kid, too.
You always used to behave like the idiotic Najars.
Marcus! Welcome, dear brother! Sister!
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Kites Over Helsinki
Kitne Door Kitne Paas (1999)
Knife In The Water 1962
Knight Rider 1x03
Knight Rider 1x04
Knight Rider 1x05
Knight Rider 1x06
Knight Rider 1x07
Knight Rider 1x08
Knight Rider 1x09
Knight Rider 1x10
Knight Rider 1x11
Knight Rider 1x12
Knights Of The Round Table
Knights Tale A
Knockin On Heavens Door
Koi mil Gaya (2003 Hindi)
Krull 1983 CD1
Krull 1983 CD2
Kuch Naa Kaho 2003
Kumokiri Nizaemon (1978) CD1
Kumokiri Nizaemon (1978) CD2
Kung Fu Hustle 2004
Kyun Ho Gaya na