King of marvin gardens The
I promised that I would tell you...
why I never eat fish.
When we all moved into my grandfather's house...
it somehow fell to me to keep the old man's mind off of things.
We would play casino over an old card table.
He never let me win.
One time he put one of those tiny model trains...
into my hamburger.
He was a practical joker.
I broke my tooth on it.
On Friday evenings we had fish at our house.
Not on religious grounds, but because...
Grandpa was a fish enthusiast.
"Keeps ya from going blind," he would say.
Even though the bones always got caught in his throat.
My brother and I would sit next to one another...
waiting for his terrible coughing to begin.
Then one of us would be dispatched to the kitchen to get a heel of bread...
to clear the bones.
He'd gulp it down, and slowly his coughing would diminish.
Then everything would be quiet again and we would go on with the meal...
as though nothing had happened.
my parents went out...
leaving my brother and I alone to serve ourselves and Grandfather.
Mom left the fish warming on the stove.
The bread crumbs only helped to conceal the bones.
When the inevitable coughing began...
my brother and I just sat...
and looked at each other...
Grandfather's eyes got wide.
His face became contorted and red...
his arms flailing about.
I raced to the kitchen and back with a heel of pumpernickel.
Grandfather reached out for it convulsively.
handed it to my brother instead.
back to me.
face forward onto the dining room table and then...
back, knocking his chair over...
pulling the tablecloth, silverware...
mashed potatoes, fish...
stewed tomatoes with peppers and onions...
all of it on top of him.
Heaped on the floor...
behind the table he...
Iooked like the remains...
of some chaotic dinner party.
My brother took the incriminating pumpernickel from my hand and...
into Grandpa's fingers.
I think at that moment, my brother and I became accomplices forever.
"Don't ever say a word about this," he said.
"Just go to bed and pretend...
that you're asleep."
The next morning...
my parents explained to me that...
Grandpa had gone away on business...
and had left me a very special kiss good-bye.
Are you out of your mind?
Sorry, Dave. The guy said it was an emergency.
I don't care what the story is. I'm on the air.
Anything you say. I'm sorry.
Enough talk. Let's hear our theme all the way through tonight.
Until Wednesday, then, this has been Etcetera...
and I have been your host, David Staebler.
Eight minutes of theme?
I don't know. He said he'd call back.
I'm gonna tape at home for Wednesday.
Maybe for from now on.
Urgent telephone calls.
I'll mail you the cassette.
You know nothing gets past me when you're live.
The guy said it was an emergency.
There is no emergency can't wait till I sign off.
What's the difference?
If you don't mind hanging around, I'll buy you coffee.
I've got another appointment. Some other time, okay?
Not your fault. Sorry.
Dave, you coming in Wednesday?
Are you going to mail in the show or what?
Help strengthen the arch of our foot. So get your chairs and sit down.
There are 39 stations to choose from, AM and FM.
If you don't like my stories, you don't have to listen to my program.
person-to-person, after midnight.
I gave the operator your number at the station.
Well, he didn't get through.
He'll get through.
He'll get through.
And I never stuck a model train in your hamburger.
It was a cricket from a CrackerJack box.
What's goin' on?
- It's your brother again. - Jason?
He made me wake you.
- What's he want? - He says...
He made me write it down.
What's it say?
It says, "Get your ass down here fast. Our kingdom has come."
Where's he calling... I've got pins and needles.
- Where's he calling from? - The blood don't circulate.
Jersey. Down at the shore.
What time is it?
You woke me up, Jason.
Train arriving from Philadelphia on track one.
We're not really ready yet.
It was supposed to be a lot better, but things don't always work as planned.
If you loveJason...
I would tell you I've heard so much about you, but I detest cliches.
Listen, I would like to see my brother.
I'm sure you understand.
Davey, he was supposed to be here.
It's nice of you to come down and everything...
but no one's called me Davey in ten years.
Naturally you're irritated, but is it my fault...
Just a minute. They're here. Hold on.
Just stand there. Make a straight line.
You know the song, right? On the downbeat, okay?
By the sea, by the sea
By the beautiful sea You and me, you and me...
Come on, Davey. Jason's waiting.
You look like a priest in that wardrobe.
Hey, come on. Give me a break here now.
Same old David, huh?
You notice how it's Monopoly out there?
Remember Boardwalk, Park Place, Marvin Gardens?
Go directly to jail?
That's me. Don't pass Go, don't collect $200.
Jason, is there something I should do?
Gimme your pen.
I'm gonna give you an address.
Hey, come on now! Gimme a break!
My brother's in town.
All right. Now.
I'm giving you an address here.
It's about a five or ten minute jitney ride.
When you get there, ask for a man named Lewis.
Tell him you're my brother, and I want my ass out of here before sundown.
Nothing on the record.
Then meet me on the boardwalk.
Take in the sights, look around. I'll find you.
Go around the other way.
I'm Jason's brother.
I said, go around the back.
What can we do for you?
Jason said I should only talk to Lewis...
if that's okay.
Have a seat in here anywhere.
Can you think I'm gonna service you now?
You know I'm gonna do it for you. That's what I'm like.
How about you appreciate it up the ass?
You know, I don't like to make trouble. I'm not a troublemaker.
I just want to say thank you.
Thank you. I really mean that.
I don't need thanks, and I don't want no thanks.
I'm a generous sort of a gentleman.
What's the message?
Jason said I should only talk to Lewis.
Getting to Lewis don't entail additional waiting time.
Jason said if Lewis knows...
Right there, my boy, is an accurate summarization.
Jason says, and Lewis knows.
You want to change seats, go right ahead.
Wait for me, Gertrude.
Wait for me.
You've already met Sally. Jessica?
Jessica, this is David.
There it is, Davey.
It's supposed to be the oldest and finest accommodations on the boardwalk.
Come on, Jes.
Woodrow Wilson used to stay here. Did you know that?
Did you know he used to live in Princeton?
The island's called Tiki.
It's seven miles off the coast of Honolulu...
and it's the most fantastic place I ever saw in my life.
Sally, did you remember to pick up that mail this morning?
I sentJessie for it.
It's really going to be good to talk island again.
You know we haven't talked island in years?
We haven't talked anything in years.
I know, but that's what I'm trying to get: A Staebler Brothers Renaissance.
I didn't forget, David.
How are you tonight?
We're not paying electricity here. You can leave lights burning.
I did. The bulbs must've blown.
The last time we had candles. How about some candles?
Yeah. Isn't this romantic?
I love it. I'm for getting violins up here.
Maybe it's the fuse. I'll call downstairs.
May I talk to Mr. Seymore, please?
Bring one of those candles in here. I can't see to piss.
Mr. Seymore, this is Jason Staebler's secretary.
We have no lights in 914.
Please. As soon as possible.
Not as soon as possible. Tell the man I want these lights ten minutes ago.
Thank you very much.
Black Horse Pike, right outside Absecon.
This lady Lucy...
real upset because she's afraid somebody is gonna find us together.
I got nothing with Lucy.
I don't have the key to Shirley's trunk.
I drive her car all the time, whenever I want to go someplace.
But I never needed to get into her trunk before.
Now, I'm looking around.
The crowbar I find on the floor, backseat.
Pull it out, go outside the car...
and I'm trying to pry open her trunk.
All of a sudden, headlights I'm gettin', right here.
I admit I look suspicious with a crowbar in my hand, trying to open her trunk.
Not to mention I got a woman, Lucy, in the front seat hiding herself...
underneath the dashboard.
Now I got a cop coming with a big flashlight...
Iooking in the trunk.
What do we got there behind the spare?
A Kleenex box filled with Swiss watches.
And this bitch, Shirley...
she's reported that her car has been stolen.
You understand, without that what you got at the train station...
is celebrity treatment?
You mean, you'd have been there to conduct the orchestra.
I'd have been there.
Half of them don't even know if they're standin' or sittin'.
They may wind up sitting on your jury.
What are you talking about, jury? The charge is a total charade.
It ain't even gonna get to the trial stage.
It's some lunatic out in the street, totally confused...
trying to hang my ass 'cause he's got a grudge.
We got apologies in the morning.
I was in jail one time in Cincinnati. I don't know if you heard about that.
I did 60 days.
You wouldn't know what that was like, but it was really grim.
We've all done our time, Jason.
Isn't she beautiful?
What do you think, David? Miss America?
Sure. We'll bring her back next summer as Miss Hawaii. How's that?
In the meantime, let us formulate some plans.
You notice how it's not on most maps? It's just a dot here.
But it's paradise.
I thought it was called Tiki.
We're gonna get to rename it next month. You can consider that your department.
- How do you build a resort like this? - Don Dimbleby. You ever heard of him?
I call him "Dimblewit."
You understand, this is a man...
who inherited his daddy's entire fortune.
Then he pours six million clams into my little island...
before he bothers to clear his gambling license.
On an operation this large, the casino is the name of the game.
That's where you stand or fall.
But Dimblewit thinks he can do it without politicians.
You never can.
Let's try something new tonight. Yes?
Lewis, he's the one taught me that.
Jason, which do you like better?
Up like this...
If Donald Dimbleby couldn't get a gambling license, how can you?
He could've got one, all right.
He just insulted the wrong people.
I've done business with the man, and he's no diplomat.
And you can run a place this big?
I don't know.
I'm not gonna try and con you.
I can only tell you, for the last ten years I have been in training for it...
and I've got people fighting to back me, goddamn smart money.
But who the hell knows?
That's the cost.
I got it worked out so we parcel lots in ten-acre packages on the far side.
Cover our total investment.
We retain two-thirds for free. How's that?
My pal Lewis's front money.
He owes me favors.
I'd cut him in for a piece of the casino.
That Lewis. "You don't amortize."
I don't know too much about real estate.
I just told you all you need to know.
Now, tell me...
how does it sound?
It sounds fantastic, Jason.
Then what are you worried about?
Good night, Davey. I mean David.
You don't think we got radio in Hawaii?
Hey, we package your show.
I'll tell you what we can do.
We can syndicate you to the whole goddamn English-speaking world.
You bunk here tonight. Okay?
Tell me what you're so upset about.
I'll tell you whether or not it's real.
Frankly, I think what you've got is an exercise problem.
Not enough space to run around in Philly, work up a decent sweat.
How's about we change all that?
Come on, sprint. Give me sprint!
Come on, loosen up.
I'll give you the goddamn Olympic Games!
Come on. I'm two years older than you and beatin' your butt.
David, you all right? David?
Yes, you are. You're terrific.
Exercise. Throw your arms up.
Don't puke, goddamn it. Exercise!
You look like a goddamn penguin.
Come on. Gimme gymnastics.
Look at this. We got Bimbo coming for gym class.
- Things are a mess again. - Put it in a nutshell.
It's Sally. The nutshell is, you better come right away.
Talk the manager of the SaintJames out of a grim mood.
Surtees is always in a grim mood.
He's already called the police. It's not funny. It's no joke.
What do you mean, the police? She knows I'm in a delicate situation.
Okay. Try not to go off half-cocked.
Absolutely. Let's review the situation calmly. I'm only out on goddamn bail!
Let's be totally serene on the subject of police.
Sally goes to take her bath, and the water comes out rusty.
The Carlton's right next door to the SaintJames...
which your brother said he acquired last week.
- Sally says, "Am I not entitled... - I never said I acquired it.
To bathe in Jason's own hotel?"
- She shoos the peon desk clerks away. - I can see it now.
Me and the cops ridin' up together in the same elevator.
I don't mean to cast stones. I'm still out on a ridiculous felony charge.
All I asked from you was a simple message to Lewis.
- Wait a minute. - It was a favor. Now I'm vulnerable.
- I went to see him. - But you didn't talk to him.
Otherwise the man would've gone straight into action.
The place was weird. I waited around. What's the difference?
This gun is all I need. I'm out on goddamn bail with a concealed weapon.
It ain't registered. Please remind me to get this thing registered.
You take this in your hand.
It ain't gonna go off like a firecracker in your face.
Jesus Christ! Great to have flesh and blood in your corner.
I'm sorry about the mess...
Jason, you need me!
Do you want me to carry that?
Sally madeJason buy this.
As if anyone would dare mug Sally.
I wish you didn't think I was part of all this.
Of course I am.
We all are.
Last group, bus leaving for Camden.
- Good job. Where's... - Room 213, but you can't go up there!
How can I get dressed? My clothes are out there.
It's okay, darlin'. I'm taking care of it.
I'm standing here wiping bubble bath off my chest...
and you're insulting my people?
You're standing there. You sicced the cops in on that woman.
You got a battalion of people here.
You got a woman naked in the bathtub, and you're not even selling tickets.
Jason, hand me my stuff.
- Here's your dress. Please hurry. - You pig.
What are you looking at? Am I running burlesque?
What's the matter? You're not getting enough at home, you gotta peek around?
- Is that your problem? - Take it easy.
What do you care about a man hunting for an eyeful?
What do you care about a lady? All she wants to do is wash up.
It's the principle, Jason.
I'm attempting to run an orderly establishment.
Get over here. Who you trying to bullshit?
You've got a grudge a mile wide, and you know it.
What's going on here?
I have every reason to be chagrined. You promised Lewis would sign last week.
Providing we could work out the terms of the maintenance deal.
Then you can't even produce your owners for the meeting.
And waste everybody's time? You know the maintenance clause is a smoke screen.
Of course. You'd rather we cancel the whole negotiation, you got it.
Can you get Lewis to cancel that last paragraph?
If I can't get Lewis to cancel the paragraph, nobody can.
What are we talking about? I'm the only man trying to hold this deal together.
Why would you ever want to alienate me?
Under the circumstances...
I'm afraid I'm still gonna have to charge you for the room.
What is it, $38.50?
I had a hunch that...
we weren't talking principle here today.
You're gonna make sure my money finds its way into the cash register.
Aren't you, hard-on?
If you hadn't come, the police would've been there dragging me out of the tub.
I don't go into a place with my bubble bath...
say I have special privileges here, and have the cops called on me.
That's all. I'm not finished yet. My feet are still cold.
- This water isn't hot enough. - It's still steaming.
- It's not steaming, it's cold. - The water is still hot.
Maybe it feels hot to you because you weren't there freezing your ass off...
but I was!
Catching double pneumonia, dragging me out of a bathtub.
Sally, it's all right.
- Could you pour the hot water? - Not him!
It's all right. Go ahead.
I'm just asking you to put yourself in my shoes for once if you would.
How do you think that made me feel? Just think about it.
You told me you owned the goddamn SaintJames Hotel. You're full of shit.
I told you we still had to examine the papers.
You're full of shit!
You take a bath in there sometime. Will you? Take one bath in there.
The water is rusty. Icky! Mucky!
You'd come out dirtier than when you went in, for God sakes.
It won't stay hot for three minutes, on top of everything else.
Just take one bath and you'll see. Go on, shrivel your testicles.
- I'll talk to the manager. - That'll do a lot of good. Terrific.
It's just for a few more days. A couple weeks at the most.
Agura is flying in here tomorrow from Tokyo.
We've got a deal. It's 96% finalized.
- Not like the SaintJames. - What is it?
- Listen to me now for one time! - I am listening!
I tried to explain that the SaintJames deal was still in the exploratory stage.
- You didn't make that clear. - I didn't mean to yell.
It doesn't matter anyway, because the four of us are Waikiki Beach.
Brown as berries. Goddamn 50th state. We're goddamn Hawaii, babe.
All I need to feel is that you're with me. You know, David?
Like we got something solid between us.
I'm still here, aren't I?
Things are weird around here, you know.
It's not like home, huh?
You were really fabulous with Sal yesterday.
The girls will be yours as much as mine.
Yeah? When's all this go into effect?
We'll know when it's time, won't we?
Love takes time, you understand.
You've read all that literature.
No one reads anymore.
I have been deprived my literary right...
and I crave an audience.
The form of the tragic autobiography is dead.
Or will be soon, along with most of its authors.
Good-bye, written word.
So I have chosen this form...
to author my life...
not because my life is particularly worthy...
but because it is hopefully...
tragedy isn't top 40...
which is just as well.
God, I'm sorry. I didn't know anybody was in here.
It's all right. I'm not doing anything.
- What time is it? - I don't have to go. I can come back.
I couldn't sleep, and I was afraid if I talked in there I would wake you up.
Oh, no. It's fine.
You should have all the time you need.
I know you're an artist.
I can come back.
I couldn't sleep, and I was afraid if I talked in there I would wake you up.
Oh, no. It's fine.
You should have all the time you need.
I know you're an artist.
You say $150. $150 high bid.
$175. Yes, $175. $200.
Now $225. Yes, $225. And now $250. $250, now $275.
Thank you, Henry. That was neat.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm your auctioneer for the evening...
and by my accent, you can undoubtedly know I'm Scottish.
And as you well know, Scottish people do not give things away free.
I love the hustle around here. It's out in the open.
Down here, everybody's hustling all the time. It makes me laugh.
Maybe you can explain to me why Simmons couldn't wait till the season comes.
Nobody hires an auctioneer in the depths of winter.
We all take five. What do you say?
The pause that refreshes, boys.
I'll talk to you guys in a minute.
You, my brother, sit down there for a second and watch this.
Grab the purse.
Mister, look. Give Magda back her purse or I'm gonna call the police.
No, no. She's got it back.
Come right in, ladies.
Of course you won't give me your purse.
2,000 years of civilized greed has taught us to cling to our possessions.
Trust no one. The woods are full of thieves.
- What are you selling? - The man is sincere, Bambi.
Thank you. I really appreciate that.
I know none of you expects me to give you something for nothing...
but I am prepared to give you something for next to nothing.
See what we have here today?
- What do you select? - The radio.
- Magda! - The clock radio. I knew it.
Sophisticated taste for Magda, the woman who's going for a $28.50 item.
For you, Magda, 75 cents.
Three quarters in my hand, and you're walking out with a clock radio.
- You'll give me the radio for 75 cents? - What else does she have to buy?
I've got a clock radio here going for six bits.
It's goin' once, it's goin' twice.
I'd like to hear it play. It's only fair.
I'm sorry. Forgive me.
Okay, Davey, take over.
- Break up a good clock radio! - Forget the radio. Here.
Why don't you take this mixing machine? It's a freebie.
- How about the toaster? - Toaster? Sure, here.
- How about the watch? - You take the toaster.
We don't want your money, ladies. Here you go.
And a surprise package for you.
No, ladies. For God sakes, ladies. No, we don't want your money.
The auction is over. Run along now. That's it for today.
- God, Jason. - You're a holy terror, you know that?
I'm surprised they ever let you out of that loony bin.
Not exactly a loony bin. More like a retreat, rest home.
Wait, both of you.
Before you call it a day's work, what am I supposed to do with seven auctioneers?
Send 'em packing. They're a bunch of lames. Jam-joiners.
Very nice. What about my merchandise?
Why be so shortsighted? Think of the goodwill it bought you.
Goodwill don't balance my books. I need receipts.
- Tell this schmuck about receipts. - I've got a news flash for you.
These grandmas are coming back with half the widows of South Jersey...
and not because they got a handout for nothing...
but because merchandise was presented to them with style.
Style, from this schmuck, you schmuck...
who happens to be David Staebler, my brother.
Two Staeblers. Are you planning my ruination?
Just the opposite.
I've been summoned here to give your image a face-lift.
Surely even you understand that image is everything in business today.
I have no time for jokes, no argument. Receipts is the rule for everybody.
Why aggravate me? I am reunited with my brother and you're arguing with me.
That's no way to do business. It don't have a good "bode."
Remember when we were kids?
You were always hollering, "You're not the king of me!"
It still goes.
Don't think you've got the crown of Staebleravia sewed up either.
I hear these islands are a veritable hotbed of palace revolution.
What kind of wardrobe is that?
Spread 'em apart.
- What are you doing? - Oh, come on.
Come on. Your aim is totally off.
You gonna make something happen or what?
One, two, three.
I'll give you Billy the Kid.
I'm all wet.
Now you're gonna get wet.
This could have been a fantastic island right here.
It was full-out class until about 1930.
Till you could hop a plane to Bermuda for the weekend.
Yeah. Look at it now.
Let that be a lesson to us.
I promise you, strict controls on Tiki.
We can't ever let it go downhill.
That's why I won't let anybody build on anything less than ten acres.
And no pokereno. No frozen custard.
No saltwater taffy.
Anybody litters, we deport 'em.
Thanks, Bertha. It was a nice ride.
How are you doing with Jessica?
She seems very nice.
We haven't exactly gotten intimate yet.
You're the most fascinating man she ever met.
- Did she say that? - We have no secrets.
We're freezing! Come on!
Yes, indeed. Miss Hawaii!
Style and grace...
and a beautiful face...
from our beautiful 50th state of blue...
Yes, indeed! No contest!
Totally major discovery!
This is my favorite part of the show. Having fun?
I'm just having a ball.
I notice in your biographical sketch...
that you haven't tap danced since you were nine years old.
No, sir. Not really, sir.
Ask her an interesting question. Quit milking it for yourself.
I see you brought your own rooting section with you.
Yes, sir, I did.
Well, how about that?
Thank you. We wish you all the best luck in the world, honey.
comes the moment...
we've all been waiting for.
I don't envy our judges.
They've had to select from among the most glamorous...
and the most talented contestants ever.
But at last they have reached their decision.
And there she is...
being crowned by last year's queen...
the most beautiful girl in the world...
You look beautiful, darlin'.
Take a walk. Come on. Hit the big runway.
Here she comes
Here she comes
The dreams of a million girls
Who are more than pretty
May come true in Atlantic City
And there she is
Walking on air, she is
- Fairest of the fair, she is - You said midnight.
We're pushing 1:00 a.m. You ain't splurging for no time and a half.
Nobody down here got any pageantry. Nobody even wants it anymore.
What's happening? I haven't finished.
- Why can't she finish? - Go on home. You're off the rate.
Take Miss America and her pageant and get outta here.
- Let her finish. - What do you got in here? Dracula?
Come on, darlin', come on.
Here she comes Miss America
Here she comes Our ideal
Into the chariot.
The dreams of a million girls
Who are more than pretty
- We got him. - You got him. Bring him in.
Get him prepared to eat. Right?
- Yeah, he looks like a good one. - He's not very big.
Cook better when they're that size.
We need about four or five more.
Davey, which one do you like?
Forgive me. We don't want to misunderstand about these dolphins.
They live with people in the same family?
Exactly. At least that's the way these particular experiments were structured.
In one, a girl lived intimately with a male dolphin for two months.
They developed an extraordinary level of inter-species communication.
She taught him to make humanoid sounds, even English language phrases.
They learned to sense one another's moods...
to make each other happy.
Please. How did she make this dolphin happy?
he liked to have the skin between his flippers stroked, for one thing.
She eventually learned to relieve his sexual needs...
if that's what you're curious about, and I certainly would be.
The point is, there are 100 avenues to redefining leisure.
We're exploring many of them.
Dolphins are only one example, of course.
You see, we don't believe people today want to spend their whole vacation...
lazing on their backs in the sun.
They want to bring home something more than just a suntan.
But no nightclub, no entertainment?
I can promise you stage shows that are one of a kind.
Like my brother's mind.
And you've been listening to the man.
We're not talking about Las Vegas.
He's already booked the most fantastic tap dancing show in America.
Gentlemen, lady, excuse me.
I have a splitting headache.
On your way home, pick up the cake.
Then we can have dessert at the suite later.
Business discussions always disturb her, give her a headache.
It's because her father talked of nothing but business at dinner...
or something like that.
We, too, must be getting back to our hotel.
Nonsense. It's still early. Sit down.
We'll be leaving on an early flight tomorrow out of Newark.
Most fascinating, these plans of yours.
Anyhow, since we're talking about Lewis's money...
perhaps we should soon be talking to Lewis.
You've always had this. You seem to need to cut me.
Jason, you gave me the impression we had this island all locked up.
It is all locked up.
Are you trying to teach me about business?
You really think that you settle every last detail over a lobster?
Come on. You know better than that.
This whole deal is no competition.
Those Orientals got nobody else interested in this island.
If it's such a desirable piece of property...
why don't they have somebody else interested?
Because we're talking about a highly-superstitious people.
I checked this proposition out myself.
These Orientals think there's a jinx on this place.
Nobody will touch it. And Dimblewit won't play ball with the right people.
So they think Tiki's a white elephant.
Even if you could sew up a down payment, a nightclub isn't...
What we got here is Staebleravia. A kingdom.
For God's sakes, let somebody else handle the entertainment.
Your brother changes his mind twice a night.
If David has any reservations, I welcome the opportunity to rebut them.
If somebody doesn't want something, you just can't go give it to him.
He's never going to understand what you're trying to do for him. Not ever.
He doesn't have any gratitude.
He's got only one thing: Depression, suspicion and mistrust.
She's not all wrong.
I mean, there is a grain of truth there.
You're asking me to believe in another dream.
Like two years ago...
when we were going to go on a trip around the world, the two of us...
all expenses paid.
Cook's Tours. Holland American line.
That's the perfect example.
I convinced the U.S.I.A. That we are goodwill ambassadors, big smile...
and then you gotta show up in one of your famous depressions.
I don't hear from you for a year and a half, then you call...
That's what I'm talking about. Do you hear your attitude now?
Why not give me a chance, a few months?
Suppose I do fall on my ass. What does that cost you?
My suggestion is we call it a night. If you two could hear yourselves!
We could hear ourselves better if you would butt out for 30 seconds.
- Come on, Jessie, let's go. - In a minute, Sally.
No, honey, it's beddie-bye time. Come on.
Tomorrow's another day.
Another day, another dollar. Early bird gets the worm.
You're the one who's acting like a three-year-old.
Why don't you just go to bed?
You get in that bedroom right now!
Jason, why don't you sleep out here tonight with your little brother?
You can squeeze two in that Murphy bed.
You better go.
I've already told them what we're callin' the place.
The Philosopher King...
Yeah. I get to feed alfalfa to the rabbits, right?
David, stuff is gettin' too complicated in this shithole.
Why must you always walk away like that?
I know you're afraid.
But I don't know...
what it is that makes you afraid.
You better go to bed now.
I love you!
I love you, too.
Good-bye to all this, huh?
How deep is beauty?
Vanity, vanity, all is vanity.
Out goes the old and in... goddamn... comes the new
Farewell to finery!
Goddamn! Tiki! Hawaii! Winter's out!
Winter coats, go!
It's all over!
I got inferno here.
- You throw one on. - Good-bye to all of this!
- Take that, too! - Fast as you can go. Go!
Darlin', where you goin'?
Sally, are you all right?
There! Now we're a "cooperation," huh?
No more competition. Are you happy?
Did you want any of this? You can have anything you want.
Should we save something for you?
You pick out something for your old age.
This will be your hope chest, my darling.
Here it is.
Don't get tears on a pretty face.
I want you to stay as beautiful as you can as long as you can.
You don't need this, though! What am I thinking?
They're gonna have new and improved products by the time you're old...
Stretch marks all over your blubbery thighs.
Your dumpy behind.
You're not gonna need any of this stuff.
No. Or this.
It's all for you now, Jessie.
It's all you, honey.
I'm just along for the ride now.
Isn't it funny how things change? See how things change?
Now you're the meal ticket.
Yeah. You won't forget old Sal, will you?
You gonna forget old Sal?
Don't you cry! Why are you crying, Miss America?
Let me see Miss America. There she is. That's good.
And I am your chaperon.
Yes, I am. I will be your chaperon.
I'll wait up for you. I'll stay home, and I'll wait up...
my little bunny rabbit.
And every night when you come home, I'll tuck you in.
How 'bout that?
Tame, you go first.
You've known Sally a long time, haven't you?
My whole life practically.
She's my stepmother.
Wait a minute.
It's my eye makeup.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...
to lay sweet Maybelline in her final resting place in the sand.
Do you know that eyelashes are made out of real animal fur?
They are, really! Honest.
I've been walking around for 20 years...
with little minks on my eyelids.
May I greet the morning...
as I am...
with my own naked face.
Come on, let's go...
run some of that energy off.
Come on, sweetheart. There's nothing left to throw into the fire.
I just want to sit here. I don't want to run.
Sally, please come run with me right now.
Come on. I'll go slow. Come on.
I never went anywhere.
I never left my cabin.
Except to pick up some milk and cheese at a farm in the valley nearby.
Never saw anybody.
Except old Ma Sobowski...
who ran it by herself.
She had a Sunday supplement color photograph ofJohnny Unitas...
Scotch-taped to her wall.
I told myself I had all that I needed in the way of human companionship.
But then I couldn't make it through the winter alone.
They're gonna be down here any second.
We're in the middle of something, aren't we?
Do you want me to go someplace with you?
there have been lots of men.
At first, Sally carried me...
and then I tagged along...
until I got old enough...
and we went together.
a package deal.
That's a polite way of putting it.
When my father left, she didn't have to take me with her.
That's what I mean when I talk about being connected to somebody.
You mean sleepwalking along on someone else's life?
Do you think you're the only one who's entitled to be selfish?
What are you doing down there? Hatching corporate mergers?
Let's mule train outta here. We're on the town tonight.
Here we come.
My, don't they look nice together!
Oh, aren't we chichi?
Aren't we chic-ery, Davey?
Sally and her beautiful people. Yes?
Jes and Jas. Jas and Jes. It's just too perfect.
You're gonna be all right alone?
As illusions begin to drift and fade like white snow...
Once while pretending to be living alone...
in a cabin in the woods...
it began to snow...
for 11 days and 11 nights.
The end of the sixth day...
I began to feel...
that I was...
Edit that out, Frank.
Edit that out, too.
ever had the feeling that you were uncertain?
That you were where you sensed yourself to be?
That you were in a set?
That all of the...
put there to stimulate you?
And that you were, in fact...
under observation in some...
Edit all that out, Frank.
had been falling for eight days.
The snow had built over the windowsill...
enclosing the windows...
cutting off all the white light.
Excuse me. Start again.
- Who are you? - Let's go, Staebler.
What do you want?
Who told you to come in here?
Who sent you?
- Nobody said nothing about no gun. - No way.
- Who sent you? - We're just pick up and delivery.
We ain't goin' nowhere, right?
Wait a minute. I wanna ask you one or two questions.
Wait, I said!
I got business with Jason Capone upstairs.
He's out for the evening.
In that case, we got all the time in the world.
I'm not gonna cause you any trouble. You can rely on that.
I just want to find out a few things.
As long as you ain't no dirty trouble causer.
There are two types put me up tight.
A dirty double-crosser...
and a dirty trouble causer.
You know what a dirty double-crosser is?
That's the cat that sails all the way to Paris, France...
and all the way back...
without taking a bath for the duration.
a dirty trouble causer...
he's something else again.
He might be a cat looking to arrange secret meetings with my superiors.
I'm in a hurry.
I hope you cautious, carrying that little piece in your pocket.
You remind me of a little sweet cat I used to know in Perth Amboy.
Carried a little derringer like that.
One day it went off in his pants.
Changed his life.
I just want to forewarn you.
Some cats mistakenly presume if a white man walks in bearing firearms...
he's on a hostile mission.
You want to stay cordial?
Don't ever point no weapon at me. Understand?
You're not a whole lot smarter than your brother.
I was only playing with you that time in my office. I'm Lewis.
Heard Jason talk about you many a time.
Many a time.
You're the philosopher.
An hour ago, two hoodlums tried to kidnap me.
I heard that.
They were told to pick up your big, bad brother.
Why are you afterJason?
You got to be kiddin'! After him?
Is that how come you requested a summit meeting?
I neglected to mention. He was packing this.
What do they call you?
Teddy the Wonder Boy.
I wonder why in the hell you don't stay out of my kitchen?
Can't hear yourself think around here.
You putJason in jail.
Why not? I kept him out enough times.
Odd way to pay somebody back for years of loyalty.
Pay back? You come to tell me who owes who?
I'd the impression that he'd opened up some territories for you.
Places you couldn't get into, places in the South...
like Daytona, Atlanta, New Orleans.
Places that brought you a lot of money.
So I don't forget a job well done.
But maybe you don't know about Hawaii.
I know about Hawaii.
You sent a flunky down there, you don't get anything big.
You send Jason, of course he's got ideas of his own. What do you expect?
That's what you like about him, why he's working this job for you.
That's how you got started. You think everything goes down one after another?
Everything's settled over a lobster dinner?
It doesn't work that way.
I send him on errands. Next thing, he wants his own island.
For a venture!
Sure. Craps, roulette.
He'll make a fortune for me. He's gonna be the new Conrad Hilton.
He wants to start off for himself like you started off for yourself.
That's all. He's just like you.
ifJason's tired of Atlantic City...
I'll send him to Hawaii.
You want to go along also, fine.
We'll buy you boys some kind of pineapple stand down there.
- How's that? - I know my brother better than you.
One thing about him...
if he insists he's still working for me...
his ass is going to rot in correctional for 2 to 5 on an auto theft felony.
I'll invite him to live in my own residence...
but no business.
You, I can talk to.
You and me could work up some sweet deals.
Jason's no businessman. Can't he understand?
He won't listen to my opinion.
I think he's an artist.
Some pitiful shine off the streets with moderate brains.
I was his goddamn turning point, brother.
That's right. Jason Staebler.
Lewis was nickels and dimes when he met me.
You're living in his suite.
What? The man was hustling numbers on Baltic Avenue when I met him.
I built his entire organization, and if you think...
I need Lewis to sew up Tiki Island, you're dead wrong, so forget it.
Don't tell me. Tell theJapanese.
I don't want you in the shower unless you're totally packed.
I'm totally packed!
I don't know why you and I are discussing theJapanese...
because Mount Fuji-face only knows Lewis...
because I picked up some real estate for him.
With whose money? Who paid for it?
I got guys seven, eight figures calling me all the time...
asking what they should do with their loose cash.
Thousands of'em. I can't sleep. The telephone's ringing all the time.
For Christ's sake! Look how close we are!
What, are you lettin' us get our wires crossed now?
Just let me row us into shore. Will you, please?
Close? You keep pretending that the charges don't exist.
He wants me out of his hair. Is that what you're saying? I'm out.
Let Lewis clear up the phony rap.
Do you realize I have absolutely nothing to pack? Nothing.
I've left a thousand places. This is the first time I've had no packing.
If everything don't work out for you like magic, then it's all a mirage.
I've been knocking around a little longer than you have.
I can tell you one thing right off the bat. It ain't never that easy.
Even my makeup kit is empty.
If plan A busts, you switch to plan B, with C and D to fall back on.
Then maybe you end up with something.
A lot of plans.
I think you'd be happier back in Philadelphia living with Grandpa.
Every week for $110, you can rehash the same bullshit...
that you have been boring me to death with since I was 15 years old.
What about her, Jason? What are you gonna do with her?
Send her home from Hawaii in a basket?
What are you, the consulting psychiatrist? I happen to be here!
Can't you see I'm trying to have a conversation with my brother?
- Get in and pack your bag. - I don't have anything to pack!
The limousine's due. I don't care if you have anything to pack or not.
Go downstairs and buy a magazine then.
Just do me a favor. Don't go to pieces on me now.
Look, we'll leave Sally here.
Jessica, you and I can go, settle the backing, then send for Sally.
You still think there's a deal! Your household is crumbling...
and you're putting together a multimillion-dollar real estate deal.
You two run off with Jessie and leave me here alone!
I'm going back to Philadelphia.
And you are going to stand trial on Friday.
There's not gonna be a trial. How many times I gotta tell you that?
Can't you think? Just be quiet, will ya, darlin'?
You want to know why nobody can ever have a conversation with you?
It's very simple. You cannot keep the issues straight.
Are you gonna leave me?
- Let's just drop it then. - No, let's not just drop it then.
You wantJessica to stay and take care of Sally, that's fine with me.
I merely thought that the girl would be an added attraction, that's all.
This way, it's much better. Now you and I together can go close up the deal.
Christ, Jason! Will you wake up for one minute?
Will you open your eyes? Open your ears!
Okay, the big problem is where to dump me. Isn't it?
Well, isn't it?
How's this? I'll shoot myself.
Then the three of you can run off to the South Sea islands together.
How's this? You stop acting crazy for a minute, huh?
- You want me to beg you? - Don't be rigid.
I am not being rigid. I'm simply telling you...
get your ass into the bedroom or I'll shoot you myself.
We both had a bellyful of you.
How's this? I'll shoot David. Then I'll go to the gas chamber...
and you can run off with Jessica, which you've wanted to do for a long time.
- Give me the gun. - Isn't it, Jason?
Let me tell you what's number one with me. You wanna really know?
It's my brother. For 30 years we've tried to get together on something.
We finally have an opportunity. We are very close.
If you think you're gonna chase him back to Philly with this scene...
and it's gonna beJessica, you and me playing ukuleles in the sand, forget it!
No, ma'am! Never! So get a grip on yourself.
Wait a minute!
Just a minute, you! I'll shoot you!
Then your brother can run off with myJessie and live happily ever after.
- They'll probably pin a medal on me. - What's going on?
Your mother's gonna murder one of us.
So far the only one she hasn't nominated is you.
I can see it now.
"Matron slays three in seashore love nest." Headline material.
It's still on.
There was no way that...
the middle-aged Kewpie doll really thought that...
Miss America was in the cards.
The dinners with...
theJapanese businessmen in bibs...
and the latest come-on with Lilly's dolphins...
all seemed harmless.
No sense in not going along for the ride...
and not enjoying the games...
when that's what the trip seemed to be about.
No need not to speculate what your hero was doing behind the doors...
late at night when you couldn't sleep.
If the goals didn't seem serious for moments...
then certainly nothing more serious could happen.
Maybe there even would be a trip to blue Hawaii.
I certainly didn't wanna stop it.
But in the fun house...
how do you know who's really crazy?
How do you know if it's supposed to be you...
that stops it right now?
And you don't know how to stop it.
The gun was...
always with the water pistols.
This has been your host David Staebler.
The program is Etcetera.
What are you looking at this for?
Do you know what time it is?
Don't worry about me. I'm all right.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's okay. I know you didn't mean it.
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