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Knockin On Heavens Door

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Turn it off!
Turn it off!
OK, that's it for today!
This is a brothel, not a chorus line!
You don't have to make the people think -
You have to make them fuck!
Now then -
The doctor says to the man:
You got two different testicles.
One is made of wood, and the other one is metal.
The man is quite surprised,
and the doctor doesn't know what to say either.
But then he asks: "Do you have children?"
The man says: "Yes, two -
Pinocchio is 3 and Terminator will be 7 soon.
That's the joke?
Yes, damit!
Who is "Ponocchio"?
"Pinocchio" is a marionette - made of wood.
And "Terminator" is made of metal.
- I don't understand your joke! - Because you don't listen right!
- I did! - No, you didn't!
I have to explain every joke to you three times and you still don't get it!
I understood your fucking joke!
"Terminator" is a machine!
- made of metal!
But why is a child a marionette?
Now, that's it!
I'll never tell you a another goddamned joke again!
You will drive this car to Curtis, give it to him and piss off.
- OK, Boss! - No, not OK!
"Driving" means: You don't stop even once!
But what if we have to take a piss?
Then one of you morons will take a piss and the other one stays in the car!
You are never to take your eyes off the car! Understood?
Understood, boss - understood!
Abdul, did you get that?
Yes, no problem, boss! - No problem!
OK, Hank, let's toss a coin: If it's heads, I drive...
Abdul!
Hank will drive the car first!
You can switch later, but Hank will start now!
Always Hank!
Hey! Maybe you can wait until I get in?
Be careful! Idiots!
Good day!
I am here for the checkup.
- Am I allowed to smoke? - No, it is strictly forbidden!
Damn...
Mr. Wurlitzer?
Rudi Wurlitzer?
Come with me!
- Please take off your clothes! - Underwear too?
No! That's enough!
Time for a urine sample!
Nurse?
I need a new cup - this one is full!
- Sorry, I can't.
- Either you pee or I'll use a catheder!
Take a deep breath And...
Hold it!
No!
I can't believe it!
Yes, I always say: Preventive Checkup!
Where is it? Here?
Cut it out!
We can do that
What do you mean: "We can do that"?
That means that the tumor in your head is already quite big.
It is still growing and it's pressing on your brain. It doesn't look good.
You've come too late.
How much time do I have left?
Perhaps only days
My father died of bone cancer, too.
They disected him piece by piece.
- but it didn't help
He died in the end.
How long ago was that, Mr. Wurlitzer?
20 years.
Medicine has made some progress in the last 20 years.
Maybe technology is better now -
- but you still can't cure cancer or HIV.
Yes, there will always be an illness we can't cure.
I understand that you are worried.
Worried?
You know, it's just the fact that -
Death is a very unpleasant form of life.
Come on! Come on!
Oh no!
You are not allowed to do whatever you want Mr. Brest!
This is a hospital and not an amusement park!
Mr. Wurlitzer, this is your bed. You can put your things in the locker.
The doctor will stop by later. You can rest now.
The doctor will find out about the cigarettes and you'll be in deep trouble!
Nurse?
Can you give me a blowjob?
Or maybe bring me some tea?
Franky said we can switch, and now I want to drive!
Goddamn it we're not even halfway there yet!
Move over, or shall I blow you?
God damn it!!
- Hank, why do I always have to flip? - It's "flip out"...
This is automatic transmission. You have to put it in "D"!
I know!
- Put it in "D"! - I know!
And it is "blow one's brains" and not just "blow someone"!
I know!
What is going on?
I just wanted to see if everything is alright.
"If everything is alright"?
You looked dead. I don't want share a room with a dead man.
I am not dead.
I am still alive.
Good for you!
I've got a tumor in my head as big as a tennis ball.
I only got a few days left.
They told you?
I've got cancer -
bone cancer.
This must be the bite-the-dust section. Some kind of broom closet.
Maybe we should have asked?
Oh sure! "Nurse, we need salt and lemons, because we want to get drunk with Tequila!"
Salt!
Well done, Abdul! It was a red light!
I know!
If you scratched the paint, Franky will kill us!
You are completely nuts!
Where did you come from?
You assholes ran me over!
My leg!
Does it hurt?
Yeah, Achmed!
But nothing happened!
Are you a fucking doctor?
Come on boy, everything looks fine.
Do you want a banana?
I want you to take me to the hospital with this car. Motherfuckers!
This car has only two seats.
Then ride in the trunk, you can't drive anyway!
Smoking!
Smoking helps.
Smoking?
No, that's dangerous to your health!
Do I have lung cancer?
You stand on the beach and taste the salty smell of the wind that comes from the ocean,
and inside you feel the warmth of never ending freedom,
and on your lips the bitter, tear-soaked kiss of your lover.
I have never been to the ocean.
That can't be true!
You have never ever been to the ocean?
Never - ever!
Both of us are knocking on heavens door, drinking tequila-
-we are biting-the-dust experts-
-and you have never - ever been to the ocean!
Never - ever!
Don't you know how it is when you arrive in heaven?
In heaven that's all they talk about - the ocean - and how wonderful it is.
They talk about the sunsets they have seen. They talk about how the sun turned blood-red before it set.
And they talk about how they felt when the sun was loosing its power,
- and the cold that was coming from the ocean, while the rest of the fire was still glowing.
And you -
You can't talk about it with them, since you have never been there!
You will be a fucking outsider up there!
And there is nothing we can do about it?
How did this happen?
These two morons went through a red light and hit me.
Can you do me a favor please? Don't let them go!
- There will be trouble with the insurance. - Sure.
- We are in a hurry and the boy is fine, anyway. - The doctor will decide that for himself.
Let's smash the window!
First you run over a kid and then you run away?
Don't let these idiots go!
- We've got a very important job to do! - Everybody shut up! We're leaving now!
- What the hell is this? - What did you say, bitch?
Hank says we are in a hurry and Abdul says we go! Understand?
Are you stupid? Don't let these idiots go!
You gotta hit it!
On the ignition?
Tell me... how is your leg?
It's OK.
The pain is gone?
Yeah, the pain's gone!
Good!
Little motherfucker!
- Step back! - Don't move, assholes!
Is the surgery over?
Yeah, you're in heaven. I'm god and this is Petrus.
Salam Aleikum!
Oh shit!
Excuse us, can you tell us where the exit is?
Over there on the left.
Did you see that? They've got the same car as us!
Where did you get the gun?
It was in the glove compartment.
Glove compartment?
What car is this, anyway?
That is a Mercedes 230 SL baby-blue.
I mean who does it belong to?
I have no idea - we stole it!
You mean I was involved in the theft of a car?
You could say that.
- I can't remember anything! - You helped pick it out.
- Martin Brest, right? - Yes, the one from the hospital.
Shouldn't we get going? We are on our way to the ocean.
You have never been there, so we decided to go.
I think I don't want to go.
Then you can't talk about it up there!
Yes, I know, I also want to go to the ocean, but...
... I am afraid.
Let me tell you:
You don't have to be afraid.
Didn't I tell you: Nobody was to leave the fucking car?
Didn't I tell you idiots not to take your eyes of the car?
Didn't I?
Yes, you did, boss!
Why didn't you do it, then?
There was this boy...
I don't want to hear any more bullshit!
I could kill both of you!
I mean, I have the right to do so!
But I want my car back and therefore I'm giving you another chance.
Bring the car back and the two motherfuckers that stole it!
And make it quick!
Do you understand?
Good morning!
85.70 please!
I know, but unfortunately I have no money with me.
Oh, you are driving a big Mercedes, but you don't have any money?
Then give me your pajamas!
It seems we've got a problem here.
Should I be afraid or something?
Martin! Don't be stupid!
Finally there is someone with a good idea!
Put the gun away! I don't want to be involved in this. It's armed robbery!
Oh no! Just forget what I said!
- Rudi, go back to the car! - No, I won't!
At this moment it is just armed -something-, since I didn't take anything!
But you plan to do it!
Boys!
- Just a second! - We don't have money...
Boys!
- One moment! We shouldn't do it! - Why not?
It's against the law!
BOYS!
WHAT?
Just a hint - before my fingers fall asleep - maybe you should plan your robberies beforehand!
You're starting to get on my fucking nerves! This gun is real!
I believe you, but what can you really do to me anyway?
It is now 10:58am. At 11am, my friend will come by and he is a policeman.
He always comes at 11am.
He walks in and checks if everything is alright, drinks a "Jaegermeister" and then he leaves again.
IF everything is alright...
Where is Klaus?
Who is Klaus?
Every morning at 11am I come in here and Klaus is there instead of you.
Oh, Klaus!
He's sick.
Perhaps you are telling the truth and he really is ill-
-what car is this?
That is a Mercedes 230 SL baby-blue.
Baby-blue?
Who owns it?
You're a tough customer!
Hey, wait a sec!
Me and Rudi stole this car yesterday!
Who is Rudi?
Rudi Wurlitzer!
We want to go to the ocean and we didn't have a car. What could we have done? Walk?
And Klaus is really not ill.
Well, maybe up there, since he wanted my pajamas!
But now he is sitting down here with a gun pointed at his head!
That's a good one!
Really good!
My drink is on the house, like always!
No, it's 2.50!
Maybe you can get away with this withKlaus, since he is your friend. But with me you gotta to pay 2.50.
Good day, gentleman!
What can I do for you?
How much is this car?
That is a Mercedes 230 SL - 170 HP.
How much is it?
The way it is now?
Leather seats, special paint, stereo radio - with CD player!
How much?
Since you are a foreigner and foreigners have a hard time in Germany...
75,000!
Are you playing us for a sucker? That is a used car!
I know, but it's a rare item and rare items cost a lot.
But first we sign the papers.
Do you have money?
Not enough!
Lets bump this motherfucker!
Bump him OFF!
Bump him off and take the car!
Can you hold the car until tonight?
Sure!
That looks great on you, Rudi!
Maybe you should try on the red one again?
I will, but I think I will take this one!
If you plan to rob this shop too, I'm outta here! Got it?
Sure!
- Am I allowed to smoke here? - Of course!
How much for all of this?
Your suit alone is 2,300.
2,300?
I'll have to pick up some cash first.
But this is... about...
3,000 - for now
These are most amazing clothes I have ever worn.
Just a few Marks from the gas station - they are a gas company, they won't even notice!
Right!
I'll go and get some money now, ok?
Sorry, we're on lunch break.
Lunch break is canceled today!
You have to say something or nothing will happen here!
You got 3 seconds: Someone will tell me what I want or...
Let's just say that this is not a water pistol!
You want all the money!
100 Marks for you, the rest goes in the bag! Hurry up!
Excuse me...
What?
I know it's a stupid question, but usually my customers don't turn up in pajamas...
Without shoes even!
Hi, my name is Martin Brest! As you can see I am robbing your silly bank!
And just because I picked out this suit, but I can't affort it!
You can stop babbling: They don't record the audio anyway.
80,000!
Hank! Look at that guy!
What about him?
Look at the amazing suit he is wearing!
Come on!
I'll take the black one!
That should be enough! Come on, Rudi!
You can keep the rest!
I think we can lower our hands now...
Hands up! This is a robbery!
What are you looking at assholes? Gimme all your money or you're dead!
You've arrived too late, by one minute...
- This red thing looks completely silly! - Stop bitching...
Red is your color!
What's in the bag?
Just come on!
Tell me what's in there, or I'll stay right here.
60... 70...
75!
75,000!
And I am wearing this ridiculous red thing!
We'll buy you a new one.
What? We'll buy you a new one!
Or two?
Trinidad! Tierra del Fuego! Bora-bora! Hawaii!
Even some places we can't pronounce!
Actually, I only want to go to the ocean.
Do you really believe we will be sitting on a cloud and talk about the ocean?
Yes, I really do!
Boss!
This just came in from Wiesbaden!
Martin Brest is a Snow White!
Oh, you mean...
No, he is not in our files!
So why did he crack up then? He's never done anything and now:
bank robbery, gas station...
And what about the car, this Mercedes...?
Nothing.
And now guess why!
Just put out a search warrant, Keller!
OK, boss!
And, Keller?
Nothing...
One million!
And you, like an idiot, are robbing banks!
One million! This is a lucky car!
And now?
If you need something else, just ring for me.
What?
Oh, yes.
Thank you. I hope you enjoy your stay!
Thank you very much!
Hey! Where are you going?
I quit!
Is there something you can tell me? Except that you turned this place upside down?
Of course! Look what I found!
This is for a check-up in the hospital. In half an hour. We can make it there!
- That was yesterday! - Oh, we might be late then.
Two number fifteens, please. Is there anything else you can recommend?
Oh yes - what is it?
I see. Two ice-creams then.
And, one bottle of...
No, two bottles of "Cuvedom Pericnon" - and two glasses please!
Ten minutes?
Okay, thanks.
Oh, and a French dictionary please!
Of course, boss!
Yes Franky...
The cops are after the car, too...
We are listening to the cops radio...
You can rely on us, Franky - 120 percent!
Yes, 120 percent...
Yes, today.
What did Franky say?
Franky says: "If you morons don't find the car before the cops do -
-something bad will happen to you!"
But what can happen? Franky is harmless!
Are you kidding?
I heard Franky once bit someones balls off, that owed him money.
And he swallowed them!
Ahhh! That was delicious!
Now tell me: What was it?
Bull testicles!
- You are saying we ate the balls of a bull? - Seems so...
Let's hope the ice cream was really ice cream!
- How many do you have? - Eight.
- Eight? - Yes, how many do you have?
Twenty
Do you remember that the doctor said that you only have a few days left?
Maybe we should pick just one wish - the most important one!
That's difficult... I don't want to decide.
Let's do it this way: You pick a number from my list and I pick one from yours.
- Okay. Who starts? - You!
You have twenty... then I take number...
One! I take number one!
That's the Cadillac for my mother.
- "Cadillac for your mother"? - Yes.
A Cadillac Fleetwood - like the one Elvis bought for his mother.
My mother is the biggest Elvis fan in the world.
When I was a small boy I was sitting in front of the TV with my mother, when we saw it.
My mother was sitting there and she cried.
And since then it was my biggest wish to buy one for her, too.
But I never had the money...
That is a good wish
I like it.
Now it's your turn. Pick a number.
You had eight - so I take seven -
No, I'll take number one, too.
Can't we pick something else?
That's your wish?
Your number one wish?
Yes, it's not as good as the Cadillac for your mother, but...
"Fuck two women at once".
No: "Sleep with them"!
"Fuck"! - You want to "fuck" them.
- That's how you say it in your language! - That's how you say it in every language!
"To sleep": That is to close your eyes and turn around.
The thing you want to do is: "Fuck"!
Martin! Wake up!
What's wrong?
The police!
Put your guns away, or I will kill the hostage!
Take off your clothes!
Did you catch the bandits?
Do I look like Batman?
- Are you the manager? - Yes.
They want to blow up the entire hotel. We'll call the SWAT team!
Nice car, isn't it?
This is our car!
- Your car? - Yes, officer, it was stolen.
- Too bad. - Yes, bad things happen...
Things happen? The two motherfucking thieves are probably in that hotel!
Probably!
Is this your car?
Here is the key! Never leave it on the sun visor again!
See?
I am coming soon, lads!
That were nice fucking cops!
I knew that I could rely on you!
Well done!
Where is the case?
Which case?
The case with my money is gone!
We don't know anything about a case.
There was a case with a million that I owe to Curtis and now you motherfuckers owe it to me!
But where can we get a million?
Why are you asking me? Go to the bank! Play the lottery! Ask your mothers!
But the fucking cops stole it. They are all borrupt!
Corrupt!
- See? - I know!
- Is something wrong? - Your driver's license and registration, please!
registration...
driver's license.
- The car is almost new? - Not even one year old.
- How many kilometers? - Less than 30,000.
- Have you been in the army? - 4 years.
- Yes or No?
Yes, sir!
Are there problems with the radiator?
- Who? - The car!
No. Everything's fine.
I think everything is fine here, too. He is destined for the mission!
What mission?
Get out of the car!
Come with me.
This is a special mission. We picked you because we think you are destined to do it.
Really? Can I get some money out of it?
We are doing it for the government.
Yes, sir!
Mr. Schneider! Hello, Mr. Schneider!
Inspector Schneider!
Well, Mr. Inspector Schneider, I just wanted to tell you that Brest now stole a police car!
Couldn't you wait until I am back in the office?
And there is something else!
What is it? Should I guess?
- You'll never guess! - Keller!
- The other one - Wurlitzer - he is a hostage! - Hostage!?
Yes, he threadened him with a gun! He wanted to kill him!
How did you get to the police, by the way?
I used the bus!
Authorization...
Document...
Allowing for all possibilities, they couldn't have gotten further than this!
Well done, Keller!
Do you want to earn some points?
- Sure, boss! - Initiate a police search there!
Keller, you will get us a hubi. We'll fly there!
Heli!
Sorry?
The official abbreviation for "helicopter" is "heli"!
I don't fucking care what it is called as long as it flies!
Put your hands behind your head and step back from the car!
What?
Your hands! Behind your head! I am a police officer!
Me too!
Come here - I need your help!
I have a small problem with the radiator...
I filled it with water, but the engine is overheated!
I havn't got a clue about cars! Can I see your police ID, please?
Listen to me: I am a special representative of the Department of the Interior.
I am delivering a document to the chancelor's office!
It would be best for everyone, if you would let me use your helicopter, now!
Can I see the authorization?
I thought that police cars never break down...
...never go bust...
Everything alright, colleague?
Everything alright! You can join us in the helicopter!
There will be consequences!
Rudi!
Do you have this!?
Excuse me, please!
You will need a prescription.
Don't be ridicidulous! It's a matter of life and death!
- I'll pay as much as you want! - I can't, it's a very strong drug!
Load your weapons! Take your stand!
Off you go!
Boss, you have to see this!
"...we don't know if people were injured or killed..."
"...we will now switch to our reporter, she is on the scene..."
Do you want to marry me, Keller?
"I am knockin' on heavens door! I've got nothing to loose!"
This guy is sick!
"Fuck off!"
"Hey, I want you to fuck off! You got two minutes!"
"That was about 10 minutes ago."
"The police withdrew and the kidnapper Martin Brest fled into this turkish diner."
Why do I learn this from TV?
"The psychopathic Martin Brest kidnapped Rudi Wurlitzer on Monday night from a hospital."
She doesn't have any tits!
Snipers!
They probably got snipers on the roof!
If they had snipers, you wouldn't be standing there!
But I am the hostage!
They wouldn't kill the hostage - would they?
That's happened before.
[Turkish]
The "Helsinki Syndrome" describes a change in the relationship between the hostage and the kidnapper.
A radical, unconscious change of the hostage's survival strategy.
After some time in panic, the hostage starts to seek the trust and friendship of the kidnapper.
But he is still violently following his goals.
What goal? That's bullshit!
Mr Schneider, please let me do the psychological study!
You can study whatever you want, but these two guys are playing us for a sucker!
It's OK, you don't have to pay!
Listen, I can't give you change for that... This is not a bank.
That's alright
They are coming out!
I am sorry, but I need your car!
- Get into the car, baby face! - Don't ever call me baby face again!
In the other side!
Get closer!
We're on air!
"When leaving the diner, Brest threatened a woman and took her car."
"Brest, who seems to be ready for anything, robbed a bank the other day for 80,000 Marks."
Not to mention my million!
"We do not know what he did to Wurlitzer, but we hope that the hostage is ok."
"We will be back as soon as there are more news. Celia Sarto for TVL2."
Corrupt cops, yes...
SHIT!
The guy had my suitcase!
Get Carlos and the Rodrigez brothers and...
GET MY MONEY BACK!
Boss, they stole a car and are heading for the Dutch border now.
Tell our people to follow and observe them, but without attracting attention!
Are they stupid? Aren't they afraid that you could kill me?
You just lost your driver's license!
If I knew this would happen, I would have gone to school for another job!
You went to SCHOOL for this shit???
We lost them!
We really lost them!
They're gone! These idiots are lucky, too!
Too much luck for my taste! You will now take over from here!
You are now responsible here, Keller! Now you have to show me that you are a cop!
Yes, boss! I'll get them!
I'll get you motherfuckers!
Boss! Boss!
Hello!
What are you doing! Get out of my car! If there is a problem come to my window!
That's not possible, since everybody could see my gun then!
Don't make a mistake!
You can put your hands down.
Do you know me?
No.
Open this!
I am married, we don't have children yet, but my wife is pregnant...
Hey, that's good for you! Congratulations!
Now listen to me: This is 80,000 Marks, which I robbed from the bank.
And this is about 3,000 Marks, which I robbed from the gas station.
I want you to give the money back! Can I count on you?
- Yes, of course. - Good.
That should clarify the situation with your people.
If I see a cop from now on -
I will kill the hostage!
Everything fine?
- Yes, we are debt-free! - That sounds good to me!
Off you go, TJ!
If you need a taxi again: 2727!
Good day, gentlemen! What can I do for you?
Have we met before?
No.
We want to buy a Cadillac!
Just like the one that Elvis bought for his mother.
No problem!
"HOSTAGE-DRAMA: Doomed kidnaps doomed"
- Hempel, Amelia-Elisabeth: 10,000 Marks - What's the street?
- I told you: Huehnerbeinstrasse! - Ha, that's a strange name for a street...
OK, put the letters in the mail now.
Hey, what are you planning?
A Cadillac for you, two women for me... At least I have to invite them for dinner!
Hello Mom!
Martin?
My boy!
What happened to you?
Where have you been for so long?
Look at what I brought for you!
It's beautiful!
I don't even have a driver's license!
And you're not even Elvis...
Come on Brest! The game is over! Drop the gun!
Get inside mom!
- What is going on? - Drop the gun, Brest!
Or I'll shoot!
- Martin, do what he says! - I can't do that, Rudi!
Drop the gun!
The ocean is not so important now! I will see it eventually!
Yes, you will see it! But what about me!?
Well done, Brest!
Let me go!
You are a liar! You tell me about the ocean, but you have never been there yourself!
- Arrest the son-of-a-bitch! - What? This man is dying! He is seriously ill!
Get an ambulance, or you will have to arrest him in heaven!
I will go with him.
What? You are going with him? After all he has done to you?
I know the doctor! I know the hospital! He is my friend and I will take care for him!
Helsinki Syndrom!
You go with them!
- Is that a brothel or a chorus line? - Nobody else knows either...
It's a brothel!
What?
A brothel!
What about you?
Hey, it's your wish, Rudi!
Can I have two...?
You can have them all - when you got enough money!
Are you done already? Then take care of the toilettes now!
No, I don't think we will clean the toilettes today, boss!
You don't think so?
And why don't you think so, Abdul?
They are here!
Didn't you like it, Rudi?
Oh, I did...
But you look so sad.
There are so many undone things in my life,
so many things unsaid...
You know...
That was probably the greatest fuck of my life!
And your last!
Good! Now, that we're all together...
Where is my money?
What money?
Don't fuck with me! Tell me where my money is!
And I will spare your life!
What's so funny?
Actually nothing...
I see... Where did we leave off?
Yes... the money.
We mailed it to various people. There is nothing left.
Why are you making it so hard for me?
Unfortunately I have to kill you now!
Go for it! I will die soon anyway. I've got a cerebral tumor, I don't care!
Then I will kill you!
I don't want to piss you off, but...
I've got bone cancer, late stage, I don't care either!
SHUT UP!
I'll kill you now!
Here we are...
Can you taste the salt?
Rudi?
I've got to tell you something!
I know. But let me tell you something:
You don't have to be afraid!
[Please keep watching: There is an additional scene after the credits...]
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Spread your legs!
Hey, what's going on?
Where did this come from?
From Santa Claus?
From Santa Claus? No! There was a letter in my mailbox!
In your mailbox?
From Rudi and Martin!
- From Rudi and Martin? - That was written on it!
I don't even know them! I promise!
Supposed you are telling the truth and this was in your mailbox-
-who the fuck are Rudi and Martin?
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Keeping Up Appearances 06 - How To Manage Christening
Keeping Up Appearances 11 - Googley-Eyed Registrar
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