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Last Action Hero

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I deliver perfection...|and don't brag about it! :D
This is one hell of a way|to spend Christmas.
- Mulcahey!|- Sir.
Secure the sidewalk.|No one gets in or out.
{y:i}I have a present for you!|{y:i}Pigs!
Let the children go!|Damn you, Ripper!
Slater!!
Do no even think it, Slater.|Wait for the hostage negotiator.
Goddamn it, Jack,|I am talking to you!
The last time you pulled this|jive, jitterbug, tough gonad shit -
- people lost bodyparts!
If you go in there,|you will lose your badge!
Jack, as Mayor of this city, -
- you and I have had our tiffs,|but this is the Lieutenant Governor.
- When the Governor gets here, call me.|- Do not let Slater in.
Repeat: Do not let him in!
Piece of cake.
Do you want to be a farmer?|Here is a couple of acres.
- Dekker, the next one I will hurt.|{y:i}- Slater, do not go in there!
Check fire. There is a plain-clothes|officer in the building.
- Jack, what kept you?|- Dad!
Andy is getting nervous.|I promised him you would come.
I gave him my word he could|watch you die. Lose the cannon.
Has he hurt you, Andrew?
Did you say hurt, Jack?|What do you know about hurt?
- You put me in a cage for ten years.|- You deserved the death penalty.
Yes, whatever.
Things crawl around in my head|and sit on my chest when I wake up.
Do you know what it is like?
Your illegal search rendered|the bloody axe inadmissable. Remember?
Now lose the gun.
All right, I am unarmed.|Let the boy go.
Just one gun, Jack?|You must be kidding.
- Is that all, sport?|- Yes, that about does it.
Then step away.
Chop-chop.
Unless you consider this a weapon.
Brilliant, Jack. Brilliant.|I surrender.
- That is a live grenade.|- Sure.
You will sacrifice your son to get me.|I am flattered, but I doubt it.
Andy, pick up the grenade.|Go on.
Show it to me.
Jack, that toy cannot|hurt the boy.
But this one can.
Focus!
Come on, focus!
People are trying to sleep.
The film is out of focus.|The film... Never mind.
Nick!
Nick, are you okay?
The climax is on the fritz.
I never used to do that, Danny.
It is okay. I have seen this Slater|six times. I was just worried.
The new Jack Slater opens|this weekend.
Like I did not know that.|"They killed his cousin. Big mistake!"
"Jack Slater IV."
I am checking the print tonight.|Midnight. Just myself.
I could get you admittance,|if that sort of thing appeals to you.
See it before it opens?|Who do I have to kill?
Just get to school.|You will only be four hours late.
{y:i}Treachery, conspiracy, sex,|{y:i}sword fights, madness, ghosts.
{y:i}And everybody dies.
Shakespeare's "Hamlet"|could not be more exciting.
And though he may seem|incapable of taking action, -
- he is one of the first|action heroes.
You will now see a scene from|the film by Laurence Olivier.
You may have seen him in the|Polaroid commercial -
- or as Zeus in|"Clash of the Titans".
{y:i}O bosom black as death.
{y:i}Help angels.|{y:i}All may yet be well.
{y:i}Now he is praying.
{y:i}And now I will do it.
{y:i}- And so he goes to heaven.|- Do not talk, just do it.
Hey, Claudius.
You killed my father.
Big mistake.
{y:i}Something is rotten|{y:i}in the state of Denmark.
{y:i}And Hamlet|{y:i}is taking out the trash.
- Stay thy hand, fair prince.|- Who said I am fair?
{y:i}No one is going to tell|{y:i}this sweet prince goodnight.
To be... or not to be.
Not to be.
The whole morning?|He was not?
No, he was not at school today.|He is sick as a lamb.
Tell me the story of your life|starting this morning, first period.
And make it good.
Something along the lines of:|"I cut so I could donate a kidney."
Were you at the movies again?|That crazy guy is an accessory.
- Nick is not crazy.|- Damn it, Danny!
I lied to a principal. And what for?|So you can go to the movies?
Sorry.
I did not choose this.
I did not ask to become a widow|before the age of forty.
I know that.
Give me a hug.
- I will not cut again.|- Let me hear the "P" word.
I promise.
Jesus! I am late.|I have to get to work.
Lock the top lock|the minute I close the door.
And do not open for anyone.|Bye. I love you.
Are you alone?|Okay. Move it!
Do yourself to the drain.
Tough guy.
Do it.|I will make it easier for you.
Go ahead.
Do it.
What is it with you?|You have junk!
No jewelry, no VCR.|A shit TV worth twenty bucks.
Go fish, amigo.
Remember your mom says|you are to go straight home.
She will be there|when the shift is over.
If we find the guy,|I will give you a call.
- I almost gave up on you.|- I am sorry.
- What do you think?|- I have never seen anything like it.
- It is not too tight, is it?|- No. It is the style.
I always wanted to be a magician.|But my hands were too tiny.
My father worked here|and got me my first job. Usher.
I worked myself up to projectionist.|It is not much, but it is showbiz.
So, is the print ready?
Just a minute, young man.|Are we not forgetting something?
You have to have a ticket to see|a movie. And I have just the one.
When I was your age, Harry Houdini|played here and I met him backstage.
And he made a gesture|like this.
And all of a sudden|this was in his hand.
And he said to me:|"This is a magic ticket."
"I got it from an Indian magician,|who got it from a Tibetan magician."
"It is a passport to another world.|It was mine."
"And now it is yours."
And now it is yours.
- What does it do, Nick?|- I never had the courage to find out.
I have always wanted to try,|but I was afraid it would not work.
At your age Houdini was like a god|to me. What if he was faking?
And then again...
- What if it did work?|- What if it did?
Houdini said something else.|He said:
"This ticket has a mind of its own.|It does what it wants to do."
That always made me edgy.
I guess there is only one way|to find out then. Right?
Please retain your stub, sir.
- Shall we see if Slater wins?|- Jack Slater cannot lose.
Never has, never will.
{y:i}Oh, Frankie.
Frankie, why do you|keep on with the insults?
- I would not insult you, Mr. Vivaldi.|- When you lie, that is an insult.
You are Jack Slater's favourite cousin.|You talk all the time.
I must know what Slater knows|and you are going to tell me.
Does he know|that me and Torelli -
- have just signed|a secret pact to control -
- all drugs|in Southern California?
We mostly talk|muzzle velocities. Guns.
Meet Mr. Benedict.
The genuine article.|And you better believe it.
Sometimes he likes to bake|while he shoots people.
I am saying that Mr. Benedict|can take you out as easy as cake.
Pie, you Sicilian schmuck.
The man is a surgeon.
Do you want me to make him|operate on you?
I swear I do not know.
Dump him at his place.|But take it easy.
He bought it. He actually believes|me and Torelli are banding together.
The beauty part is, nobody knows|different. Until after the funeral.
Then everybody knows.
Everybody knows|Tony Vivaldi is number one.
You are going to pay.
Is this right?|It does not look like a crack house.
Do you want 60 guys dancing on|the lawn throwing cocaine around?
- What is up, guys?|- Quiet. This is a drug bust.
Drug bust? You must be joking.
My cousin Frank lives here.|The only drugs he has is aspirin.
If you touch that front door,|you are going to need them.
It must be a mistake.|We received an anonymous tip.
Frank?
Jack, listen to me.
- Who did this?|- Listen to me.
This is important.
Tony Vivaldi and the Torelli mob|are joining forces.
I am out of here.
Sorry, Frank.
It is a bomb!
He is okay. Minor wound.|Both cops dead.
Two days to retirement.
Nick?
- Who the hell are you?|- Do not shoot me! I am a kid.
- How did you get here?|- I do not think you want to know.
Close your eyes, stay flat|and do not move!
You are driving with no hands!
You have to practice|and never do it in heavy traffic.
I iced that guy,|to cone a phrase.
Wait... The bad puns,|the voice, the hard rock.
This is really happening.
This is not happening.|Repeat: This is not...
I threw up. Sorry.|I thought I was going to die.
I am sorry to disappoint you, but you|will live to enjoy the fruits of life.
Acne, shaving, premature|ejaculation and divorce.
Does this suck weenie or what?
This is a movie set.
This is a movie. That is how|the scenery changed, right?
You are going to play chicken, right?|Just like Jack Slater.
Fasten your seat belt, please.
Your fingers?|Cross as many as you can.
I am in the movie.|Holy cow, I am in the movie.
Nick, Houdini was not faking.
Jack, did you see that?
I was just in a real police station.|And this is much nicer.
Slater, it is your ex-wife|on line two!
You stay.|She is always calling me.
Hello, sweetheart.|It is nice to hear your voice.
- Oiler! You team up with Waterman.|- Give me a partner, Sarge.
That is right.
Of course.|No, just as you said.
Krause!|You team up with the rabbi.
- How do you get to Carnegie Hall?|- Practice!
John Practice, you S.O.B.|Why are you not in Washington?
The Bureau thinks there is|something going on between...
Vivaldi is joining forces|with Torelli.
- How do you do that?|- I do not sit around eating donuts.
Those are government donuts.|I have to call D.C.
Good for you.
Watch it, Jack.|He killed Mozart.
- In a movie?|- "Amadeus". It won 8 Oscars!
I saved him in 'Nam,|so I will be on the lookout.
Now, no more movies.
Slater!!
The city council is chewing my eggs|off for your plane crash!
The mayor is parading up my|Lincoln Tunnel for that beach stunt!
Everybody wants to know|what it will be!
- Do I make myself clear?!|- I am just doing my job.
You have given us the worst|reputation in the country!
The Chamber of Commerce is doing|cartwheels in my cocoa factory!
Ratcliff, you are on duty|with the cat.
Hiya, Toots!
- Join me for a flea bath later?|- Touch me again and I will kill you!
- I can prove this is a movie.|- Who are you?
It is a cartoon cat.
He is supposed to be back.|He was only suspended a month.
Listen to me. An animated cat|just walked into the squad room.
- He will do it again tomorrow.|- That cat is one of my best men.
Who is that smiling twerp?
I love the way you fight, knowing|how you really feel about each other.
How do I feel about this|sack of puppy poo?
You are dearest friends.|After your wife left you -
- Jack told everyone he drove|her to the diphtheria clinic.
When he came back, you said:
"You saved me from humiliation.|You are my dearest friend."
- You promised not to tell.|- I did not.
- Then how did he know?|- "Jack Slater I".
- Won what?|- No, the first Jack Slater.
You told your dad?
I told no one.|I do not know this kid.
He seems to know|a lot about us.
The state of New York has|never heard of you, Mr. Madigan.
- What is your name?|- Danny Madigan.
- Where are you from?|- How did you get in my car?
I fell off a bridge into your car.|He saved my life.
Truth at last.|Now why were they after you?
My cousin Frank found out|some drug information.
Do not believe|what Vivaldi told him.
- How do you know about Vivaldi?|- I know what is going on.
- If you would just listen...|- I have the perfect listener for you.
Meet your new partner.
Oh no... Better to die.
You will love it, Jack.|We are perfect buddy material.
I teach you to be vulnerable,|you teach me to be brave.
I am Jack Slater's new partner.|We work together in this film.
You know I am right.|If this was the real world, -
- they would not make us partners,|but send me to a social worker.
How do I know they tortured Frank|and stashed him behind his door?
I saw it on screen.|This is a movie.
You are very clever, and I would|be roaring with laughter, -
- but they killed my cousin.|And that is a...
"Big mistake." That is what|you were going to say, right?
- How would I know that?|- No one likes a smart-ass.
Then shoot me. Point your gun|at my head and pull the trigger.
Come on. Do it.|I double dare you.
But you are not going to do it.|You do not kill kids in the movies.
Because you are the good guy.
You really believe you are|inside a movie, do you not?
You have ten minutes to prove it.|And then I shoot you.
- Schwarzenegger films?|- Foreign films are in the back.
- No, this guy is an action star.|- Down the centre on the left.
No, it is not possible.
What? He is fantastic.|It is his best performance ever.
- It was you in that movie.|- You were in a movie?
Yes, called "Girl of My Dreams".|It starred you.
We had a very romantic|scene together.
- What is the store's phone number?|- 5552310.
What is your home number?
You can give it to him.|I am a police officer.
- 5553812.|- Amazing.
I will bet that everyone|has a 555 number.
There can only be 9999 numbers|that start with 555.
- How many people live in L.A.?|- Eight or nine million.
That is why we have area codes.
- Is this your kid?|- Oh no.
He is a mental patient|that I am taking downtown.
What about this girl?|She is too attractive to work here.
I agree. I think she should work|with us. Undercover of course.
The point is there are|no unattractive women here.
Where are the ordinary women?
- Nowhere. This is a movie.|- No, this is California.
And thanks. It was sweet|the way you got that girl's number.
Okay, Mr. Non-believer.|I will take you to the house -
- where your cousin Frank was tortured.|I have seen it on screen.
It is like that one.
But on the other side of the road.|It has an ocean view.
There is something|you do not understand.
This ticket is magic. Any second|we will drive right into a theatre.
Maybe I need to warm it up.
Of course. My decoder ring has|to warm up all the time.
The house looked European.|Like a postcard from Italy.
Like that one.
In fact, just like that one!|The bad guys are in there.
- I think you should wear this.|- I have not earned it yet.
You just solved the entire case|and revolutionised police training.
I have studied human character,|terrorist psyche, fingerprints.
I have taken courses in surveillance,|hostage negotiation and psychology.
And all I had to do was drive|around the neighbourhood -
- and point at a house and say:|"The bad guys are in there."
Trying to be funny?
Yes. I am the famous comedian|Arnold Braunschweiger.
- Schwarzenegger.|{y:i}- Gesundheit.
May I help you?
Yes. Could I speak to|the drug dealer of the house?
We are out killing drug dealers.|Do you have any in the house?
Be ready for anything.
Where are you going?
I will be back.|You did not know I would say that.
- You always say that.|- I do?
Everybody waits for you to say it.|It is like your calling card.
You are interested in|drug dealers?
Jack, that is the henchman|with the glass eye.
- Are you a henchman?|- No, I only go as far as lackey.
- Anything else?|- Take off your sunglasses.
- Who is asking?|- The Tin Man.
- I suggest you hit the bricks.|- No. They are the wrong colour.
Oh, dear. Let us change them.|Would arterial red suit you?
Make no mistake.|They are very well trained.
I snap my fingers again and tomorrow|you emerge from several canine rectum.
Or you and Toto can go back to Oz.|Questions?
Yes. Two of them.
Why am I wasting time on|a putz like you -
- when I could be doing something|dangerous like rearranging my socks?
And how will you snap your fingers|after I rip off both your thumbs?
Have a nice day.
He had one with a bull's-eye earlier.|He calls his boss a Sicilian schmuck.
How did Slater find out?|Will you tell me?
I want him to join me, but he|keeps going after the bad guys.
Where is it written|that I am a bad guy?
Find out who talked and have|him killed. Then, Slater.
- What is it with you?|- We should call off the funeral.
Are you crazy?|When I say blood bath, there is...
A blood bath.
I will find out more about|Slater's short friend.
- He must be guilty of something.|- Yes, of acting like an asshole.
If I arrest him,|I have to arrest Congress.
- Why did your park there?|- In case my ex-wife is here.
She is not.|Her name was not in the credits.
- Who does the doctor treat?|- Patients.
- What is the elbow of my jacket doing?|- Wearing thin?
Bingo!
That was a stretch.
- Do you drive this on the weekends?|- No, that is my girl's car.
Knock on the door.
Your ex-wife is not home.|Her name was not in the credits.
Meredith?
- I hope you mean Whitney.|- Sorry. Whitney.
You are not Skeezy, are you?
Daddy!
- Stop it, Daddy!|- You have gained some weight.
Hi. I am Danny Madigan|and my life has not been long yet.
But from now on,|it will all be downhill.
- You look wonderful.|- Thank you.
So, who is your friend?|He is cute.
No, he is hopelessly insane.
He probably loved you in|"Gone With the Wind".
- This is her first movie.|- Do you see?
- Who is Skeezy?|- It is a sorority thing.
They assign you a freshman|and when he comes by you kiss him.
- Do you have to kiss him?|- Dad, come on!
If the phone rings for me, I will be|out of the shower in less than an hour.
What a cutie.
That is old evidence.|Counterfeit case. Looks real, right?
It turns funny colours when you|burn it. I used it for alimony.
What is wrong?
You do not happen to have|a cigar, do you?
"I will be back." I know.
Dad! Dad!
He would have been your age.
I know. The Ripper pulled him|down off the roof three years ago.
- Your dad saw everything.|- How do you know all that?
Your dad is in the papers a lot.|I like crime stories.
- That is Skeezy.|- I will get rid of him.
Hello, Toto.
There and there and there.
Let go of me!
- Good evening. Is Uncle Jack here?|- He is off tracking a lead.
Joe, would you teach her|the virtue of silence?
Benedict, if you harm|a hair on her head...
Stop!
You were saying?
Now, I believe it was|Sherlock Holmes who said:
"Eliminate all logical|solutions to a problem -
- and the illogical becomes|invariably true."
I know your name is Daniel Madigan,|but how do you know mine?
Slater showed me some mugshots.|We made your face easy.
Daniel Madigan from New York.|A long way from home.
- When did you get here?|- Just.
Then how do you know|what I said on the terrace?
I heard a recording.
- Are there microphones in the statues?|- You would not believe how many.
- And the eye I was wearing?|- I saw it.
I saw it in a movie. There were|micro-cameras in the statues.
I have killed people smarter|and younger than you.
This is between you and Slater.|Take the money in the desk -
- and leave me and Meredith...|Whitney, alone.
Holy shit, boss.|It looks like two K in here.
Just a minute. Give it to me.
These bills are marked, right?|You tried to sucker me with them.
Burn it.
- Burn it?|- Yes, burn it.
Do not play games with grown-ups.|You will get hurt.
Big mistake.
Great, is it not?|I will hurt you a little bit.
Freeze! Lose the guns or I redecorate|in brain matter grey. Got it?
Kill me and I will kill him.
Leave it. Get the door.
Boss?
Do not give up your day job.
Jack!
Do not leave home without it.
- Where are you going?|- I have to catch the red-eye.
I do not believe this.|I am in the movie and...
I am missing the action!
Get the hell out of here!
Back up the top!
Next time we get thicker armour.|Like a tank.
Chicken it is.
This is going to work.|It is a movie. I am a good guy.
I am a comedy sidekick.|Oh, shit! It is not going to work!
- I think I scared them.|- You did great. Come on.
Benedict has the ticket.
Too bad.|I wanted it for my collection.
{y:i}You are travelling through|{y:i}another dimension.
My name is Skeezy.|S-K-E-E-Z-Y.
Say this.
- Grow up.|- Just say this one word.
- Is it another movie proof?|- Maybe.
- I do not want to say it.|- Say what?
You cannot say it, because|this movie is PG-13. Admit it.
Slater. The guy with the missing eye,|I saw his licence plate.
Good for you.
- You mean the guy with the glass eye?|- No, when he ran it was missing.
It has got words.
"Vengeance is..."
No!
Did you catch that?
Some of it may be English.
See if this is clear enough:
Give me your badge!|And you will not get it back.
Wohlschläger, team up with|the digitalised Humphrey Bogart.
Are you making some changes?
Why not come and work the funeral|with me? I would not miss it.
Torelli has spent a bundle. He has|a helicopter circling the building.
A rooftop funeral in Long Beach.|How is that for taste?
- Who died?|- Leo the Fart. Shot yesterday.
Somebody tried for Torelli|and missed.
Leo was tough. Only he could not|sneak up on you.
If you change your mind,|I will be in front of the hotel.
- Where are we, anyway?|- Home.
How did you know|there was a guy in there?
There always is. It costs me|a fortune in closet doors.
Like in "Slater II -|The Sagittarius Strangler".
Soon you will meet the Madigan|Strangler. I just got fired.
What you find so entertaining is my life.|I am not even a cop anymore.
He only took your badge, because you|destroyed more of the city than usual.
Jack, you are everybody's hero.|It will all be okay again. Trust me.
No, Danny. It is getting harder.|I only wanted to be a decent cop.
But I kept getting involved|in crazy adventures.
But the craziest part is,|I kept surviving.
These are the sequels.|They have to get harder.
Look on the good side.|You have a great daughter.
And your ex-wife would not call|if she did not want you back.
Do you think she cannot tell|the real voice from a taped one?
I pay a cashier to call me at work,|so the guys think I have a life.
My ex-wife is happily remarried.|She never calls.
And Whitney. Why can she not be|a normal teenager?
On prom night she stays home|to field strip an AK-47.
She will die a young maid.|I am going to buy it soon, too.
No way. You cannot die|until the grosses go down.
Vivaldi said something would|happen at a funeral.
We should look into|this funeral.
Whatever.
Jack, it is a funeral|for a guy named Fart.
Funeral?
Someone tried to kill Torelli,|but hit Leo the Fart instead, right?
Wrong. Did Benedict take the shot?|Most likely. Would he miss? No way.
- Unless he wanted to miss.|- Did he mean to miss? Why?
Because Leo the Fart was|very, very fat. Get it?
No, I do not.
They broke in, cut Leo open|and stuffed him with T.N.T.
He goes off at the funeral and|takes out the whole Torelli mob.
That is what this is all about.|Vivaldi will blow up that funeral.
It would not be a bomb. We have had|a dozen explosions in this movie.
Do not start that again.
- Nerve gas!|- What are you talking about?
Some nerve gas has been stolen|from military trucks.
They could have put it inside him.|Do you know what that means?
Leo the Fart will pass gas|one more time.
Mr. Torelli.
I hope it is all right I am here.|I do not want to be a fourth wheel.
Fifth wheel.
Did you hear that, Benedict?|Family. Go pay your respects.
- Stay in the car.|- No, I am coming with you.
Let us say this is a movie.
If someone says, "Stay in the car",|and the guy does not, what happens?
- He saves the day.|- Or gets killed.
Good point. I will stay.
Wait a minute!|What if that gets me killed?
There is a gun in|the glove compartment.
- Practice!|- Makes perfect.
The Fart is a bomb|to take out the Torelli mob.
That explains the mortuary break in.|Let us use the service entrance.
- Who do you work for, John?|- What do you mean?
We both know there is|no side entrance to this hotel.
I am sorry, Jack. I did not|want it to go down this way.
Danny said not to trust you.|He said you killed Moe Zart.
- Moe who?|- Zart.
I kill many people.|I cannot remember them all.
How do you get to Carnegie Hall?
In a bodybag|if you do not drop that.
That is doubtful, kid.
Real doubtful.
Thank you for the fingerprints.|You are about to murder Jack Slater.
Chain yourself to that pipe.
These drug guys have more money|than the government.
So you cut a deal with|a scumbag like Vivaldi.
Vivaldi made up with Torelli, but it|was a phoney. He will destroy him.
In exchange for leaving him alone,|he gives me a profit percentage.
I will be rich, Jack.|You will be dead, but...
Freeze!
Toss me the cuffs.
You idiot. You made the classic|movie mistake. Do not explain so much.
You had to get in a last few words.|Had you fired, you would have won.
But you are the typical villain.|Dumb.
You are no genius yourself, kid.
- The Fart goes off in 7 minutes.|- Get my car.
Move it.
I would love to stay and watch,|but I have to establish my alibi.
{y:i}Arrivederci.
Did you want to save the day?
- You are not doing anything.|- I would steal your thunder.
No, you stay here and make sure|everything goes as planned.
You have had Slater in front of the|8-ball before, but you screwed it up.
That is "behind" the 8-ball.|You moron.
Somebody once told me I talk|too much. No more words.
- Whiskers! Where have you been?|- Sorry, Jack. Fur ball problem.
Seal off the area. There will be|a chemical explosion in 5 minutes.
- Thanks, Whiskers. I owe you one.|- Forget it. You have often saved me.
Do you see the hook of that crane?|Get it up on the roof in 2 minutes.
How do I do that?
Help me move that crane!|I have to get it to the roof!
Wait!|You have to work this thing!
I cannot even drive.
Pardon me.
He was a good man.|A flatulent man.
Do you hear this?|Help me! Get me out of here!
My God! This man is not dead!
Get out of the way!|This man needs a doctor!
- This man needs a doctor!|- I am a doctor.
Are you a doctor?|Check his chin.
The doctor has fainted.|Can somebody help this man?
I will take the corpse...|The patient... Look, an elephant!
Do not shoot! He will drop Leo!
Do not shoot!
Oh, shit!
That is a no-fly zone, fellow.
Danny! He is ticking!|Move the crane as fast as you can!
Danny, stop the crane now!
Drop! Go, go, go!
Drop, you gas bag!
Everybody out of here!
Silent but deadly.
- Bring the car around.|- The helicopter landed on it.
I hate when that happens.
Tar actually sticks|to some people.
Hey, Dad!|I thought you could use some clothes.
Thank you, honey.
- Is this not a little convenient?|- You always said this was a movie.
{y:i}So how did it go?
{y:i}How did it go?
{y:i}I am dying out here.|{y:i}I want to know how it went.
{y:i}How did it went?
Splendid.
{y:i}What?
It went splendidly.
I cannot hear you.|I do not want to miss a thing.
Benedict, get your stuff.|Was it beautiful?
Perfect in every detail.
Were the gas tanks okay?
Like clockwork.|You should have been there.
Men, women and children|dropping left and right.
Wait, I want to enjoy it all.|Come on, tell me.
They were writhing and screaming|and leaping to their doom to escape.
- Really?|- No, I am lying.
It was a complete balls-up, and my|day has been terrible thanks to you.
What is this? You were my friend|and now you turn a 360 on me.
180, you stupid|spaghetti-slurping cretin.
If I did a 360, I would end up|back where I started!
Trust me.
If that turd Daniel Madigan can move|through parallel worlds, so can I.
In, steal whatever I want,|and out again. Impossible to catch.
If God was a villain -
- he would be me.
- You want me to vacuum now?|- No. But the pool needs attention.
Very good.
Do not move.
- All right, I will go quietly.|- The hell you will.
That was for blowing up|my cousin Frank's house.
And this is for blowing up|my ex-wife's house.
But this is for|my daughter's black eye!
Usually when I do that,|it leaves a hole.
The ticket.|Jack, he has got the ticket!
It is the key to everything.|It is magic. See?
He has gone over to my world.|The door must still be open. Come on!
I am not worried|that you are crazy anymore.
I am worried that you are right.|But if I go, how do I get back?
You cannot go through life|nit-picking everything. Come on!
To hell with it.
There was nothing to it.
- We are still here.|- Are you sure? Look.
Quickly!
- I want to see about Nick.|- No time.
What the hell?
- We are in New York.|- It all makes sense.
Actually, it makes no sense,|but I will explain. Later.
Just be careful.|Things are different here.
Get out!
Do not get feisty. The car|was a piece of junk anyway.
Drive, bonehead!
Here is another explosion|for your movie.
Not one word.
- My hand hurts.|- Things are different here.
Smash a window with your hand|and it gets hurt.
Great. Could you not|have told me earlier?
- The taxis must be bulletproof.|- We have to get the ticket.
No way, Slater. Listen to me.|It will not work.
You cannot play chicken|in real life. You will crash.
Out of the car, amigo.
This is not the movies.|You have to reload guns...
- Go, Danny! Get out!|- Car crashes can kill you!
You are going to die!|Jack!!
What did I do?
No, please...
Damn, that hurt.
You are lucky to be alive,|you dumb idiot!
'89 Mercury Sable, standard air bag.|Checker cab, no air bag. Who is dumb?
- Just make sure they are dead.|- Give me a break. They are dead.
They always look dead.|In "Die Hard" a guy is hung -
- and at the end of the movie,|he comes back.
All right. Make sure to cover me.|He may have a windshield wiper.
Maybe he used the ticket.
Maybe it is on all the time now.
What is this place?
Where am I now?
Danny, do you have a place|I can sit down?
Yes. Come on.
Nick!
Danny, I was so worried.|Are you okay?
Did you see what happened?
No, I slept in here until I woke up|at 2 a.m. I figured you had gone home.
No, I was in the movie!
I am getting up in the years.|Define "in".
Whitney kissed me! I drove a crane|and dropped Leo the Fart in a tar pit!
I was with Jack Slater|every step of the way!
Oh, my God...
The ticket works?
All this time I never used it,|because I was too frightened.
But it is not too late.|I can still go visit.
Garbo in "Camille".|Jean Harlow. Boy, I had a crush.
Monroe in "Bus Stop".
Forgive me for going on, sir.|I admire your work greatly, too.
- Nick, it is not who you think.|- You mean, it is...?
This is a wonderful moment,|Mr. Slater.
I have never met|a fictional character before.
How new and exciting|this must all be for you.
I have just found out|I am imaginary.
How would you like|to have been made up?
Your job, your marriage, your kids.|Let us push his son off the building.
You will have eternal nightmares,|but you are fictional, so who cares?
I do not find it new and exciting|that my whole life is a damn movie.
You are young and impressionable.|There are worse things than movies.
Politicians, wars, forest fires.|Famine, plague.
- Sickness, pain, warts, politicians.|- You have already mentioned them.
I know. They are twice as bad|as anything else.
Most of my life has been movies, too.|But that is all over for me now.
The theatre is shut.|Soon it is the wrecking ball.
But now I have a new chance.|Can I have the ticket back?
We have one little... hiccup.
- What do you mean?|- Benedict has the ticket.
The madman with the glass eye?
- How are you getting back?|- Good question.
But I would not want to|nit-pick, right, Danny?
Just follow my lead.
Where have you been?|Do you know what time it is?
The police call,|you are nowhere to be found...
- Mom, I am sorry, okay?|- "Okay"?
There are kids with guns everywhere|and that is all you have to say?
- Get in here!|- Mom, wait.
You always say you wish|I had more friends. Well...
Hello, Mrs. Madigan.|Arnold Braunschweiger.
Sweetheart,|do you want to have a party?
- How old are you?|- Forget it.
Take his shoes, man!
Take his shoes?
No screams.
No sirens.
Excuse me!
Excuse me.
I am sorry to bother you.|Would you help me test a theory?
- Sure. What can I do for you?|- Well...
Hello? I have just shot somebody.|I did it on purpose.
I said, I have murdered a man|and I want to confess.
{y:i}Shut up down there!
You look uncannily like him,|only you are much more intelligent.
Good morning, good afternoon.|What kind of eggs do you want?
Scrambled.|Have you guys been up all night?
Why did you not tell me|Jack was a cop -
- and that you spent the night|looking at mug shots?
Why did you not tell me|you had no friends?
And why do you go to the movies at|night and make your mother worried?
- You have turned him into a wimp.|- I think not. Toast?
No thanks.|Jack, are you okay?
We talked. I have never just talked|to a woman before. It is neat.
Neat?
Wimp. Next they will be|talking about sex.
Me and Jack are going out.|I am helping him on a case.
Oh, no. Your licence to kill has expired.|Come and eat some eggs.
I have to help. I am the only witness.|Like in that Harrison Ford movie.
There is no comparison.
- We are not Jewish.|- Amish.
Irene, do not worry.
There are 8 million in the city|and I am good at catching people.
And the future of the world|may be at stake...
Can you turn this up?
- What is that?|- Mozart.
- The guy Practice killed?|- That is right, Jack.
Do you like classical music?
I do not know. I think I will.
- Did you say who you really were?|- Yes. A cop from L.A.
- I mean really.|- Real enough. For now.
- Are you going to catch him?|- I always catch everybody.
By spotting him from up here?
Give me a break. It is the first|time I have been anyplace real.
This ticket, it worked in one movie.|Could Benedict use it again?
On other movies?|Why would he do that?
I do not know.|But it is a start.
The possibilities are limitless.|But I have realised -
- that freedom would elude me|until Jack Slater was, -
- forgive the pun,|taken out of the picture.
And I thought|you might be inclined to help.
This must all be strange to you.|But if you do this right, -
- the world is your oyster.|Trust me.
You will be free to do whatever|you want beyond your wildest dreams.
And you will never have to go|back to this film again.
You have never heard|of this man, -
- but his actual name is|Arnold Schwarzenegger.
There are a thousand theatres|and we have looked for 5 hours.
- We are close to catching him.|- No, to catching pneumonia.
In my world they just leave clues.|Or they show up and kidnap me.
That stuff does not happen here,|because this world stinks!
The world is what you make of it.|You can give up and go home.
- You believed in me in the movies.|- But here you are just...
Just what?
Jack, there he is!
Are you nuts?!
- You crazy asshole!|- He is just a cabbie!
In the movies they say "Make my day"|or "I am your worst nightmare".
"Rubber-baby-buggy-bumpers".|You did not know I would say that!
- Where did he go?|- He was reading a paper.
- He has been going to the movies.|- That is not the half of it.
{y:i}We are live from New York.
{y:i}We are moments away from|{y:i}the premiere of "Jack Slater IV".
{y:i}And here is the man|{y:i}they have come to see.
{y:i}It is Arnold Schwarzenegger|{y:i}and his wife, Maria Shriver.
- Good to see you.|- Are you a big fan of Slater?
I have enjoyed it.|It was just beautiful.
The National Enquirer.|Do not talk to them.
Do not plug the restaurants.|I hate that. It is so tacky.
- Why go to the movies?|- To get help.
Benedict can do anything.|But we know who he is.
- So he must take us out.|- He cannot get to you.
He does not have to.|All he has to do is get to him.
- Benedict will kill Schwarzenegger.|- Who is Slater.
Bingo!
In this movie we only kill 48 people.|In the last one we killed 119.
But we make up for it with a good|story, emotions, depth, dimensions.
{y:i}There are thousands here tonight|{y:i}and millions around the world.
- I directed and produced it.|- This guy is a success story.
- Only in America.|- Only in Hollywood.
And at Planet Hollywood we have|some incredible memorabilia.
It is absolutely fabulous...
You embarrassed me.|How could you do that?
Chris, it is the Ripper|from "Jack Slater III". Scary.
- Let us "axe" him a question.|- Look at this method villain.
Rip, what brings you here?
- I thought I might kill someone.|- You should start with your designer.
{y:i}Nobody wants to miss out.|{y:i}The notables just keep coming.
Excuse me, sir.|Could I see your invitation?
Pete, it is okay. I am his agent.|Jesus Christ, Tom. Come here.
It is Tom Noonan,|the actor who played the Ripper.
Are you nuts? Do you want to|play axe killers for ever?
I need the manager's office for|10 minutes. Here is 50 bucks.
What do you think|Slater says about America?
I do not want to hear it.|I am not a big fan of Arnold.
She is. Arnold turns her on. I just|want to be there when it happens.
Good, you have the props, too.|Whip out a Hibachi -
- and we can make some shish-kebab.|I will rent you a tuxedo.
Tell him it is me.
Did Nicholson go to the premiere of|"Batman" dressed as the Joker? No.
Murray, get me your brother-in-law.|Yes, it is important.
- What do you think about this?|- I would never miss the premiere.
Where am I sitting? Where?|Where am "I" sitting?
There are two balconies.|I believe you are in the lower one.
You stay here. And be careful.
Someone should be checking|the other balcony. Definitely.
Arnold! The deal is done, right?|"Slater V". The soundtrack.
I will be...
{y:i}Jack, it is the Ripper!|{y:i}He has brought back the Ripper!
{y:i}Benedict has brought back|{y:i}the Ripper!
Everybody down!
Get off me!
Get the hell off me.
I should be informed|when there is to be a stunt.
You are the best look-alike|I have seen.
If you get to L.A., call my office.|We can get you jobs...
I do not like you.|You have only brought me pain.
{y:i}Jack, help!
Did anyone come out of here?
Did you see a crazy guy|with an axe?
Hey, Jack. What kept you?
- Are you all right, Danny?|- Yes, sir.
I tried to change, Jack.
I really tried to do|what he told me to, but -
- I kept hearing that old music.|I knew you would come here, Jack.
Lose the piece.
There. It is between you and me.|So let the boy go.
We have played this number before.|What comes next?
You throw the gun away...|We have done that part.
And then you tell me to|let the kid go.
I am getting bored.|Let us skip to the end.
Come on, Jack!|Over here, right here!
I will be back!
The hell you will.
{y:i}Jack!
Danny?
Danny, I will be right there!|I am coming! Hang on!
Just hang on now.
- Jack, help!|- I will be right there!
- I am coming!|- Just hurry!
Hold on, Danny!|And do not look down!
Oh, God, please do not|let him die.
Listen, kid. You grab my hand|and we get out of here.
- I cannot, Jack. I will fall.|- Come on, now.
- Trust me.|- I cannot do it.
Listen to me. Hold on with|your legs and let your hands go.
I will catch you. Believe in me.|I will catch you. Get my hand.
Go for it, Danny!
This hero stuff has its limits.
I need a hospital.|My shoulder is out of the socket.
Will a morgue suffice?
Get down, Danny!
Give it up, Benedict.|The lobby is swarming with cops.
I think I can avoid them.|But if not, I have a little -
- explosive surprise for them.
Since you are about to die, I will|tell you the plot. Think of villains.
Do you want Dracula?|Hang on.
I will fetch him. Dracula?|I can get King Kong.
A nightmare with Freddy Krueger.|A party for Adolf Hitler.
Hannibal Lecter can do the catering.|And a christening for Rosemary's Baby.
If I snap my fingers, they will come.|They are lining up. Do you know why?
Because in this world the bad guys|can win! I shall miss you, Jack.
Did you make a movie mistake?|You forgot to reload the gun.
No, Jack.|I just left one chamber empty.
You broke my arm!
Do you see, Jack?|Bad guys can win.
Now!
No sequel for you.
The ticket.
Take him home. To where|this is just a flesh wound.
Do you not understand?|We must get him back to the movies.
I said: Turn around!
Great! They always run away!|Hang on, Jack.
- Danny, do you know how to drive?|- Sure. I have watched you, right?
Get out of the way!
Nick, fire up the projector!|Slater is dying!
- Do you have the ticket?|- No, but it has to work anyway!
Hold on, Jack. You will make it.|This is going to work.
It has to be here.
Please. Nick, hurry!|The door will not open.
No sweat, kid. You tried.
Where are you going?|Back off! You cannot have him.
I have had it with you, Mister.|Who stays, who goes. This one stays!
I was only curious.|He is not on any of my lists.
Though you are, Daniel.
- Now?|- Oh, no. You die a grandfather.
Wait a minute! Help us.|I know you can get him back.
I do not do fiction.|It is not my field. Sorry.
You are a very brave young man.
Unfortunately, you are not|very bright. If I were you -
- I would look for|the other half of the ticket.
They are all gold.
I have got it, Jack!|I will get you home.
You cannot die.
I know.|Until the grosses go down.
No! This will save us!
Throw that silly thing away.
Holy cow!
Let us hear it for Houdini!
Slater!!!
Has anybody seen Slater?|I want him in my office right now!
Help! Somebody!
They got Jack! Doctor, move!
Take this. Get back|before it changes its mind.
No way.|I will not leave you.
I am an imaginary hero, Danny.|You have a real life.
You are real to me.|You are the best. I need you...
Here where you can always find me.|But I need you there to believe in me.
To take care of your mother.
I would love to... You have|your whole life ahead of you.
And pimples|and premature ejaculation.
- What?|- It is just...
I am scared that I will|never see you again.
Whoever thinks that would be|making a big mistake.
Get out of the way.|Do you want a doctor?
Get out of the way.|I am a doctor.
What happened?
Is this a joke?|This is not even a flesh wound.
Where the hell have you been?
Where the hell have you been?
It is working again.
That door is coming out of|your meagre paycheck!
I have the Eagle Foundation doing|a tango up my Hershey Highway!
I do not care about your highway.|And stop shouting. I am not deaf!
You shout because it is in the script.|You are the comic relief.
And do you know what?|I am the hero. So shut up!!
Hollywood writes our lives.
{y:i}I do not want to shoot people|{y:i}and blow up buildings anymore.
You did get to be a magician, Nick.|It really does work.
The ticket is yours, Danny.|And do you know what?
I think the magic was yours, too.|Come on.
Have I told you about the time|my dad took me to see Buffalo Bill?
We met Sitting Bull,|who was his medicine man.
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