Last Boy Scout The
That ends the first half of play...
... with the score: Cleveland 17, Los Angeles 10.
Let's go! Move!
The first half stunk!
Open the holes up! Get in there like pigs!
Call on line 3.
Let's kick some butt. Let's get out of this town a winner!
I hate Cleveland!
Hello, William. This is Milo.
There's a lot of money on this game.
You better score some touchdowns.
Do whatever it takes. Understood?
Or else you're history.
It's the second half. We're in Cleveland...
... for this game between the L.A. Stallions and Cleveland Cats.
I'm Vern Lundquist with Dick Butkus. And yes, friends...
... it really is that wet.
Vern, even though the Stallions trail 17-10...
...there walks a happy man, Sheldon Marcone, owner of the L.A. Stallions.
His team tops the Western Division at 6-2.
Sheldon is with Lynn Swann now.
-Let's go to them. - 29,256.
That's pretty poor attendance, wouldn't you say?
I wouldn't say.
Explain the attendance and TV ratings drop-off. Is pro football dying?
No, it's good journalism that's dying, Lynn.
Are there any heroes left in the game?
What game are you watching? Let's talk about heroes.
Billy Cole is having the game of his life tonight.
First and 10 at the Cleveland 47-yard line.
First and 10, 2 minutes left. It's probably L.A. 's final possession.
L.A. needs 7. A field goal will not do.
You've got to be thinking: "Get the ball to Billy Cole. "
The pass is complete to Billy Cole!
Ain't life a bitch?
We should do something to him.
This dude is really trashed.
Go on. Take his watch.
He's got a gun!
This is Hallenbeck Investigations. Leave your message at the beep.
Joe! Mike Matthews. I got a job for you.
Hold on a minute.
I thought you were in Vegas. I was going to leave a message.
You sound terrific.
I think I fucked a squirrel to death.
You still taking charity?
- What do you got? -Stripper. Excuse me, exotic dancer.
Some weirdo 's hassling her and I'm booked solid. She's hot.
Rates 3 on my finger scale.
I'd cut off 3 fingers if God would let me fuck her.
Make her a one on your nose scale. Improve your looks.
Yeah, eat me.
I'm booked. You got plans?
I was going to smoke cigarettes.
-Could you postpone? - These are pretty good cigarettes.
It's 500 bucks.
I got to run some errands.
Meet you in an hour.
Comb your hair. I'll lend you a nice jacket...
Nobody likes you.
Everybody hates you.
You're going to lose.
Smile, you fuck.
You still here?
Guess I am.
- What's with the girl, man? - Bitch won't blow me.
It's too early for that. Let her go.
She ain't coming up till she starts blowing.
She's going to drown, man.
Fuck you, loser!
Let her go.
Why are you here? It's a league party. You got kicked out, remember?
- Get out of here. - Pig!
Best arm in the National League. Remember that, you fat son of a bitch!
I thought you were in Las Vegas.
Where'd you sleep?
How much you lose?
I wasn't there to gamble.
I was doing a skip trace.
What is this?
Darian drew a holiday picture.
Obviously, her teacher wants to see us.
Where is she?
Slept at a friend's.
Boys giving her a hard time about the braces?
Are you kidding? "Metal mouth" is the latest. Little bastards.
She'll be screwing them when she's 14.
Watch your mouth.
You let her wear so much makeup she looks...
...like a goddamn raccoon.
I thought she was a burglar. I almost shot her twice.
You're not funny. Girls wear makeup.
I'm sure they don't put it on with a paint sprayer.
For your information, a lot of people think I'm very funny.
Go live with them.
Don't tempt me.
Who's the guy in the closet?
You forget I'm a detective.
There's all this steam in the shower.
Only your hair is dry. So it must be somebody else.
A male. The toilet seat's up.
Since he's not under the bed...
...I figure you must have stuck him in the closet.
Who's in the closet?
Jesus Christ, nothing changes.
You're still a lunatic.
Will you tell me who?
Shall I open the closet?
I'll do it. Then we'll both know you're psycho!
Is that what you want?
That door stays shut.
What I'm going to do...
...is count to 3.
Then I'll put a bullet in that door.
You can stop me by telling the truth.
Call your shrink and tell him you're losing it.
The truth is a beautiful thing.
How dare you come into this house and...
- Look, Joe... - Keeping her warm for me?
Easy. Don't do nothing dumb.
How was she?
On your scale, how was my wife?
It just happened.
Sure, I know.
It just happened.
It could happen to anybody.
You tripped and accidentally stuck your dick in my wife.
"I'm so sorry, Mrs. H. I guess this just isn't my week. "
Put the gun down.
I think I am losing it.
Get out of here.
Head or gut, Mike?
Joe, how long we been friends?
Roughly till you started banging my wife.
Head or gut?
Got that address for me?
The surveillance job.
You still want the job?
500 bucks is 500 bucks, Mike.
I guess you're right.
Throw a shot into her?
Get the fuck out of here. Go shit in your own yard.
Somebody wired the car.
Who the fuck did this?
How the hell should I know?
You told the cops?
I told them Mike came by to farm out a surveillance job.
You didn't mention...
No. I didn't mention it.
You knew, didn't you?
Why didn't you say something?
"Fuck you, Sarah"?
Anything to get a rise out of you.
"You're a lying bitch, Sarah," or "I'll spit in your face. "
Want me to spit on you?
- It would show you had pride. - Fresh out, honey.
Fuck you, Joe. You're never around. I was Ionely!
Buy a dog.
I'm not the one who hates you. You're the one who hates you.
And I get to live with myself 24 hours a day.
Alex, the astronaut.
Last time I saw you drink straight vodka was because you cheated on Cory.
Why don't you pour me another?
You got to be crazy, cheating on her.
I got to be something, Harp. Because all I do is lose friends...
...drink and nail anything with a heartbeat.
Just stay on that side of the bar.
Should I pay now?
No, you should not. Put the money away.
The cops can't help?
Sure. After I'm dead, they'll do the autopsy.
Guess you can't wait that long.
This the only music they play here?
I hate this funk shit.
I may charge extra.
What'd you expect?
The Four Freshmen.
Are you my father?
I'm your father. Put some clothes on.
Stand by that speaker. You'll scream...
"...Play that funky music, white boy! "
The screaming I believe.
Who's the stiff over there?
It's my turn to dance. Shit.
Let's bring out a woman who's always in the mood.
Put your hands together for the lovely and talented Miss Cory!
Don't tell anyone.
Cory says you're nobody.
Nobody's raining on your parade. I'm keeping an eye on her.
Are you some kind of bodyguard?
Something like that.
Got a match?
Is Cory in trouble?
I don't know. You tell me.
She didn't tell me.
Does that piss you off?
Don't sweat it.
Women have secrets.
Water's wet, the sky's blue, women have secrets. Who gives a fuck?
Want a beer?
So she just hired you? What, you're in the book or something?
She hired my buddy, Mike. I'm filling in.
I'm sorry to hear that.
He was an asshole.
I don't know who you are or what's going on, but Cory's my girl.
If she's in trouble, I want to know.
Confidential, big boy.
Why don't you tell me anyway?
Man, you couldn't protect a cup of warm piss.
Why don't you just hit me?
Chickenshit. Bust me in the chops. An old guy like me can't hurt you.
You know who I am?
James Alexander Dix. Quarterback for the L.A. Stallions, '89-'90.
Banned from the league for gambling.
Allegations of drug abuse.
Another tragic tale of wasted youth.
You're pissing me off!
It's about time.
You're a lowlife.
At least I didn't shit my talent away on coke.
Spilled my warm cup of piss.
- Get your shit. Let's go. - What's the matter with you?
Shut up! Get in the cage.
Let's hear it for Miss Cory!
I didn't vote for you, you son of a bitch.
So I'm a lowlife.
That's him. He was with her.
Take him and kill him.
No contract on him.
Then do it for free. Elsewhere.
Alex, the pediatrician.
Alex, the pediatrician.
If I were a cat, I'd purr.
Come back to my place with me. I'll give you your birthday present.
- Does it look like that? - Do you want it?
- What is it? Give me a hint. - A hint?
How'd you like to get your old job back?
Go on. Get in there!
Wrong place, wrong time. Nothing personal.
So you think. Last night I fucked your wife.
You did? How did you know it was my wife?
She said her husband looked like a pimp with a hat.
You're cool, for a guy about to take a bullet.
After fucking your wife, I'll take 2.
What's this about you getting me my old job back?
Where the hell is he?
What kind of trouble you in?
I'm not in trouble. Some creep's threatening me.
- Let's wait inside for Hallenbeck. - What am I chopped liver?
What's that bum going to do? Breathe on them?
If the creep shows up, I'll bitch-slap him.
I'll follow you home. Get in your car.
You'll "bitch-slap" him?
Yeah. Bitch-slap him.
Where you want it? In the chest? Or the head?
So said your wife.
Stop with the wife shit!
Ask me how fat she is.
How fat is she?
So fat I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.
To fuck her, you slap her thigh and ride the wave in.
I'm not saying she's fat.
Her high school picture was an aerial photograph.
And then some.
Don't get out.
Can't you drive?
Let's get the fuck out of here!
What's something like that run?
You wear them?
They don't have a TV in them?
I am very old.
Something stinks in here.
It's this statement. Hallenbeck's hiding something.
How do you know?
I know how his mind works! Every lie has 80%...
...truth to it. It's scary.
We looking at the same guy?
What are you looking at?
I see a guy who slept in his clothes.
That's what everybody sees.
- There's more? - A lot more.
A long time ago, he saved the President's life.
Her story about a weirdo hassling her was bullshit?
I don't know what she was into, but that was a professional hit.
I figure Mike was working for her, same as me.
He got scared.
Bails out, dumps it in my lap.
He bailed too late.
They're scraping him off my stucco.
If Mike knew this was dangerous, why didn't he say anything to you?
He was fucking my wife.
I die. He gets the wife.
Free to go. Pick up your gun at the property desk.
You took all day.
I got a call from the Bel Air P.D.
Senator Baynard has been getting obscene phone calls.
It better not be you.
Anything else, lieutenant?
There's a new invention out: the razor.
Too risky. I might start thinking about you and slash my wrists.
- He got a beef with Baynard? - The senator got him fired.
What was he, a cop?
And Baynard had you fired?
None of your business.
What are you doing here?
I knocked out 4 of his teeth.
Ever play ball? You got a good build.
You a fag?
Just trying to break the ice.
I like ice. Leave it the fuck alone.
You're fun to be with.
So what's the next move, ace?
I'm going home.
It would seem my job is done.
Fuck that. We saw Cory get murdered.
You want your ass shot off, be my guest.
You die, I take your $600 pants.
You look familiar. Do I know you?
You might. People recognize me.
"Cue Ball" Morton! Sold hash in Boyle Heights.
I played football. Jimmy Dix, L.A. Stallions.
- What position? - Forget it.
Football. Free agents ruined the goddamn game!
We may run into more fans. Want my sunglasses?
- Fuck you. - Snappy comeback.
Where did Cory live?
Harper Apartments, on Melrose. Why?
Think I'll look around there.
I'll come with you.
The fuck, you are. Have a nice night, junior.
- I know where the extra key is. - I won't need a key.
And you're not worried about the alarm.
It's pretty high-tech. I put it in myself.
But you probably know how to circumvent.
It's called vocabulary.
- Read much? - My subscription to Jugs just ran out.
Get in the car.
How did she afford this? It must run a fortune.
- Tell me about it. I pay the rent. - Isn't that charming.
She sounds like a real special girl.
What else you pay for? Clothes? Car?
It wasn't like that. Cory could've had rich guys. Me, she loved.
Love? Forget about it then.
- You don't believe in love. - I believe in love. And cancer.
- Both diseases? - Something like that.
I want to meet the bitch that fucked you up.
Your show, ace.
- Security system? - I circumvented it.
Don't touch anything. Don't leave a mess for the cops.
Oh, my God.
- You vacuum, I'll dust. - Stay put.
Who's this guy with Cory?
Shelly Marcone. Owns the L.A. Stallions.
They dated. Treated her like shit. And she left.
Where you going?
Bathroom. Want to come? Doc said I shouldn't lift anything heavy.
10 to 1, they were looking for this.
- That's Marcone. - Yeah, I know.
- I don't know who this is. - Senator Baynard.
And the assholes with him?
His bodyguards. He always has protection.
Copy of a phone bill.
What's this number?
Baynard's home number.
You know his number?
So I called him a couple times. Shut the fuck up.
What's all this?
I don't know, junior. If we're lucky...
...maybe enough blackmail evidence to put two very powerful men away.
Why would Cory blackmail them?
- She was fucking Marcone... - Dating, not fucking.
Whatever. She heard or saw something. The point is...
- She was blackmailing them. - She hires Mike.
She got evidence to use on them. Now we have the evidence.
We got Marcone and Baynard by the nuts.
And that is why I love America.
-Hello? -Hey, Calvin?
Shelly Marcone. How you doing this evening?
I'd prefer you didn 't use my name.
A trifle skittish. If I didn 't know better...
... I'd say you were contemplating something shady.
Get to the good stuff.
I'll fast-forward it.
It eats the tape!
I'm supposed to know?
Your car ate our only evidence?
- This car sucks. - Shut up!
If this is ruined, I'll crush your nuts.
If this is ruined, I swear...
Fast-forward eats the tape.
My birthday present.
Cory was blackmailing Marcone. But not for cash.
She was trying to get my job back.
She's dead because of me.
Where you going?
Home. I don't feel too hot.
I'll take you.
I'll give you a ride.
I'll take Cory's car. I got the key.
I thought that was Cory's car at the bar!
Cory had two cars.
Get out of the car!
What's your trip?
- What is it? - C-4.
They wired the ignition to Mike's car. They'd do the same with hers.
Lucky for you they wired the wrong car.
Leave this for the cops to analyze.
You're putting that in the trunk?
No, let's leave it for the neighborhood kids to play with.
Where's the gun?
- Bit late for a stroll. - You girls should get home.
Streetlights are on.
Shut up, fuckface.
I'm fuckface. He's asshole.
Apprise Rodney Dangerfield here of his situation.
We can dispense with the fun and games now.
- You want the envelope, right? - Very smart.
Here's a man who knows when a situation is untenable.
You like it?
You do have that envelope?
We better give up. We're dealing with geniuses.
Leave him the fuck alone.
Leave him alone? Whatever you say.
Jake attacks his job with a certain exuberance.
We're beat up by the inventor of Scrabble.
He's still happy, kick him again.
You want the hooker's envelope?
She wasn't a hooker.
Shut the fuck up!
Where is it?
In the trunk.
Give me the keys.
Slow and easy.
Give them to Jake.
Dumb bastard, you'll pay for that.
Open the trunk.
Son of a bitch!
I don't know yet.
Was that C-4?
That, or a hell of a factory recall.
Dead guys don't make bad jokes.
Shit, we're alive.
Get out of here.
I'll take the heat for this.
This is a police matter!
And I'm sick and tired of sweeping up your dead bodies!
Next time I see your ugly mug...
...I'll put a bullet in it! You got it?
I just wanted to shake your hand.
Ben told me what you did for the President. I respect that.
Looks like our evidence got blown up.
We might have to get more.
Just won't let go.
You're like a dog with a Frisbee.
My girl's dead.
Her killers are at Spago's eating chicken Marsala.
And their goat cheese pizza.
It ain't right.
No, it ain't right.
This ain't no game, Flash.
Danger's my middle name.
Tell anybody, I'll kill you.
Ever watch Soul Train?
Shut the fuck up.
We start tomorrow.
In the meantime, I'd like to see my family.
Your family, huh?
You got kids?
- A girl. - Does she like you?
No, not too much.
She likes Prince. Go figure.
I like Prince.
An actual house.
I was thinking of a cave with skulls and shit.
Feel like I been rode hard and put away wet.
What does that mean?
It's horse talk.
Brothers ride horses now?
Cars are too hard to steal.
Do you wear a little cowboy hat?
I'm really good.
Maybe I could take your daughter.
Even look at her funny...
...I'll stick an umbrella up your ass.
Why aren't you in bed?
Darian's watching TV.
- I can see that. - She's pissed at you bigtime.
What happened to your face?
My God! It speaks.
Nothing happened to my face. It always looks like this.
What's wrong with his face?
His nose is too pointy. His eyes are beady.
His ears are too big. He needs a shave.
I am peeing in my pants, you're so funny.
This is my daughter, Darian.
Why's that number on your head?
Is it a license plate in case it's stolen?
It's a football thing. It's my high school number.
You want to be alone.
I'll be in the kitchen.
She has your winning personality.
You get used to it.
I got some ice cream. Want some?
Leave me alone! I hate you!
She's pissed because I wouldn't let her date Tommy.
I only missed the best party of the year.
Why'd you say no?
Because she's 13 years old, jerk-off.
- Want some ice cream? - I'm not talking to you.
That's a shame. I'll miss all the pleasant things you say.
"Dad, I hate you. "
It's chocolate chip, your favorite.
I don't care.
You're an asshole.
You know how I hate to waste food.
Want to abuse me some more? Shock me.
I hardly ever hear the word "asshole. "
- Bet you get it all the time! - That's enough!
- Will you ground me some more? - You got it.
Yes, sir, asshole.
- You're grounded. - Leave me alone!
He thinks he's Ward Cleaver.
You want to talk like a trash-mouth? Sound like your mother?
I have to hear this shit all day, do I have to get it from you?
Go easy on the girl.
Don't tell me how to talk to my kid.
Let me hear all the really juicy dirty words.
You're such a fuckup.
You're my daughter and you're in my home. You will respect me.
- Don't call me a fuckup. - Why not?
Mom calls you that!
She called me a fuckup?
On the phone with Uncle Jay.
I'm a fuckup, but Uncle Jay? There's a real standup guy!
He cheats on his taxes.
Ask your mother why Mr. Wonderful's not in jail for tax evasion.
He doesn't fuck up.
Go to bed.
For $50 you could pay a guy to pull her fingernails out.
Anything that much fun I'd rather do myself.
I don't know about you, but I need a drink.
Shit! That's you?
You were Ward Cleaver.
I was a regular Boy Scout.
You and the President.
Damn, hanging with the Man!
It looks like one of those cardboard cutout things.
I once had my picture taken with Don Johnson.
- Still got the picture? - I threw it away.
You going to get a divorce?
I don't know.
You don't like women much.
I liked the guy she was fucking.
He was my best friend.
He was a scumbag private detective.
All private detectives are scumbags.
But he tried to get you killed.
Friends can't be perfect.
I wish the sky wasn't blue.
I wish water wasn't wet.
I wish I didn't still love my wife.
To Alex, the accountant.
Your accountant's name is Alex?
But he could have been.
Alex was my son.
I used to be married.
One Sunday, I'm away in Miami.
She couldn't go. She was 8 months pregnant.
Walking down La Brea Boulevard...
...out of nowhere a truck jumped a curb.
Never knew what hit her.
But Alex lived for 17 minutes in an incubator.
He fell asleep.
Had time for one dream.
Then he died.
I think about him all the time.
I threw for 300 yards that day.
While my wife and kid were dying...
...I had the game of my life.
Can I use your shower?
Bathroom's down the hall on the right.
Here's a towel.
This what you looked for at Cory's?
This what you were looking for?
- That's $ 1000 worth of shit! - Shut up!
Get the fuck out of my house before I break your neck.
I use it to get by.
I don't use it. I get by.
Get dressed and get out.
All right. I forgot.
Talking to Dudley-fucking-Do-right!
That shit happens real easy.
It starts out...
Using Demerol because your knees are shot!
Before you know it, you're chewing codeine with breakfast.
Then a truck comes out of nowhere...
...and you're talking to God, saying, "Help me out, Big Guy.
I pay taxes and go to church.
What's with this dead wife and kid shit?"
But He ain't answering.
He ain't taking calls that day.
Instead, I get a call from the fucking league.
They're saying, "Kid, your career's over. "
I say, "Why?"
Because I gambled.
Why is there an injury report in pro football?
Nobody else has one.
But pro football does.
You know why?
That's so gamblers will have an accurate spread!
It's all business. They push until you blow your brains out.
Like Billy Cole!
Can't you see the hypocrites took away my life!
When you're done pitying yourself, the door's that way.
And then some.
Sign my card?
Sorry I was so bitchy before.
- Your dad's pretty pissed. - He'll get over it.
You were his biggest hero.
Since I was little. You should've heard him.
"Jimmy this, Jimmy that. Best quarterback in the game. "
When you got busted, he quit watching.
Does he punch all his heroes?
Who are you?
- This is the guy? You sure? - It's him.
The kid with the million-dollar arm?
Don't look like much.
Which of you looks more like my dick?
Say what you got to say, or get out of my way.
It's okay, folks!
It's okay. It's okay.
Thank you. Thank you.
Danger is my middle name.
Don't try this at home. I'm a trained professional.
...and there's Super Dave.
- I got bad news and bad news. - Give me the bad news first.
Someone bounced Jimmy Dix off a car.
Now give me the bad news.
I got a statement from Hallenbeck's neighbor.
The day he died, Mike Matthews came to Hallenbeck's house...
...to discuss a case.
So Hallenbeck says.
How come Hallenbeck's neighbor claims...
...Matthews' car was in the same spot all night?
Why did he lie?
Matthews is fucking his wife.
That's why the car was there. Matthews was fucking his wife.
Hallenbeck just got back to town.
Joe wasted the bastard himself.
He waltzed right out of my office.
I let the son of a bitch go.
Give me a chance. I'll get him.
You can go to a party when you're 17.
We got trouble, Milo.
Pick up his gun by the trigger guard.
Give it to me.
Is there a problem?
Yes, there is. Apparently, there are too many bullets in this gun.
Naughty boy, Joseph.
You just shot a policeman.
It's you, Daddy.
You nearly broke my wrist.
Milo warned us to watch out for him.
Fuck that! Fuck you.
Look at him. He's nothing. Guy's a piece of shit.
Got a cigarette?
I got a cigarette.
Got a light?
Yeah, I got a light.
Hey, I thought you were tough.
He's not so bad.
I dropped my cigarette.
May I have another?
Sure thing, buddy.
I'm going to need a light.
Touch me again, I'll kill you.
Oh, baby! Two for two!
We got a two for two!
You fucking killed him!
Is there a problem?
He just killed him! He put his fucking nose through his brain!
I needed a light.
Joseph, you don't disappoint me.
You took an awful risk. Pablo could have shot you dead.
If you wanted me dead, you'd have killed me already.
- Can we do a formal introduction? - Who gives a fuck?
You're the bad guy.
I am the bad guy.
And I'm supposed to tremble with fear?
Something like that.
Fine. I'll start trembling in a minute.
In the meantime, could I have a drink?
I don't see why not.
Take the corpse away, and fix Mr. Hallenbeck a drink.
Make that two.
If it isn't Shelly Marcone himself.
Just my friends call me Shelly.
You got friends? When did this happen?
You sure are feisty for a fellow in your position.
Teach him some manners.
Touch me again, I'll kill you.
What fucking conspiracy are you talking about?
Hallenbeck's a fruit loop.
He's been after Senator Baynard for years.
You want me to believe the senator's mixed up in this?
I'll say it again for the cheap seats, lieutenant.
I don't know where Joe is! That's my fucking statement!
Write it down and shove it up your ass.
I could nail you for obstruction.
You couldn't nail a $2 whore. Charge me with something or let me out!
My husband did not kill a cop!
Aside from that, I can't help you. May we go now?
Can I have a minute with your mom in private?
Do you deny being sexually involved...
...with Matthews prior to his death?
Why am I calling? I had to hear your sweet voice.
And I need a favor.
No, it ain't like that.
No, it wasn't no liquor talking.
You're not fat. You're just a whole lot of woman.
Do me a favor, big mama.
Senator Calvin Baynard. He's a season ticket holder.
Punch up the address where you send the tickets.
Don't worry. I'll find him.
When in doubt, try the nearest bad guy.
Football is a dying beast, Joe.
No heroes left.
Since old Sonny Werblin paid $400,000 to Joe Namath in '66...
...the bastards have gotten greedier.
God Almighty, when's it enough?
Jesus! Free agents!
"Give me, give me, give me! "
Now you got guys on PCP, shooting themselves on the field.
The American public's tired of it, and they're changing the channel.
The ratings are down.
So you'll bribe senators to legalize gambling.
Legalize sports gambling.
You see, with all the heroes gone...
...only legalized gambling will save the beast.
You follow me?
We're talking about big bucks.
We're talking billions.
That's nine zeroes, son.
I'm not your fucking son.
Have you ever heard of the Senate's Commission...
...to investigate gambling in pro sports?
Is that who you're paying off?
The Commission votes in March.
I got them all in my hip pocket, except Senator Calvin Baynard.
I tried to bribe that son of a bitch.
He gave it back because it wasn't enough.
- What's he want? - 6 million.
Or he'll go straight to the police.
It'll just be cheaper to kill that son of a bitch.
Taking off a senator is ballsy, even for an asshole like you.
You said it, Joe-boy.
That's why we'll frame you for the senator's murder.
As chairman of the Commission, I'll simply say this:
I'm reviewing both sides of the issue with utmost care...
I will adopt a position...
...based on what is best for the sport.
In the meantime...
...I can't wait to get to the Coliseum to watch my favorite team...
...kick hell out of Tampa Bay.
Thank you, senator.
Always a pleasure.
Come on, Jimmy, think, think, think! What would Joe do?
He'd shoot everybody and smoke cigarettes.
But I have no gun.
- How'd you get here? - I hitched.
I meant, how did you find me?
My dad's a detective. What can I say?
You didn't cover your tracks. You're easy to trace.
Just what I need: Nancy-fucking-Drew!
I brought you this.
Where did you get that?!
Stole it from Dad's closet.
He'd kill me if he knew.
You'll kill yourself first, you jerk.
Take this ugly monkey and get out of here.
I want to know what's going on.
Watch CNN. Go!
Those are the bodyguards from the picture.
They're leaving without the senator. Now go!
I'm coming too.
You can't come. Go home.
Kiss my ass.
Kiss my ass!
Is that clear enough?
You little brat.
We'll only follow. How dangerous can that be?
We're in position.
The senator's men are en route. ETA, five minutes.
Now where you going?
Let's find out.
I told you no guns, right? I hate guns.
Stay here. I'll go look around. Stay!
Did any of you stupid shits bother to frisk this fuck?!
He could be a goddamn cop. Will you frisk him?
Take it easy.
Hand him the briefcase, Joseph.
Was that briefcase loaded with explosives?
10 pounds of C-4, going to the Coliseum now.
It's ironic, don't you think?
This bomb will be delivered to Baynard by his own bodyguards.
After his death, the police will receive a photograph of you...
...handing over the case.
You'll be blamed for the crime.
They'll believe it.
- They know you're a fan of Baynard's. - Go fuck yourself.
That's not polite.
It's very abusive sounding.
What would you do...
...if somebody told you to go fuck yourself?
Would you cut one of their eyes out?
What would you do?
You think you're so fucking cool.
You think you're so fucking cool!
...I'd like to hear you scream...
Play some rap music.
You must be James.
He does that with everybody.
Calls me Joseph.
No, I got the Vienna Boys Choir with me.
Is everybody stupid here?
Shoot them, bury them.
More or less.
Like my puppet?
Get her out of here.
My name is Furry Tom.
I said go, kid.
Can you make him talk?
Go on. Try.
Go ahead. Take it.
It's riddle time.
Why did Mr. Milo cross the road?
I don't know. Why?
Because his dick was stuck in a chicken.
This is the first pussy you guys have seen in a long time.
Especially this fat fuck.
Where'd you get the suit? Gangsters "R" Us?
Why is she here?!
It's not his fault!
I'll kill you both!
Get in line.
What do I do with it?
Point it and shoot!
Any bright ideas?
Push this fuck off the road!
Put your seat belts on!
This is bad!
You all right?
Any chance he's alive?
Call the cops!
Say there's a bomb at the Coliseum!
Senator Baynard's in danger! You got it?
Happy birthday. Buy yourself a new pair of pants.
Let's get the bomb before it gets Baynard.
Got a car?
Do you got a car?
Give me the keys or I shoot the kid.
You're the dumbest guy in the world.
You save the guy that ruined your career...
...and avenge the guy that fucked your wife.
The girl said her dad's name is Joe Hollen...
He stole my car and went to the Coliseum.
He set my pool on fire. The man is a lunatic!
Give me 10 black-and-whites. He's going to the Coliseum.
If we go any faster, we'll travel back in time.
Pull up and I'll yell at them.
I'll yell at them.
That's a lame plan!
Can we try?
Bulletproof glass. He won't hear you.
- What're you doing? - Drawing a picture.
- Of what? - A bomb.
It looks like an apple with lines.
"Don't open the briefcase, it's full of fruit. "
You want to draw it?
"Bom" is "fuck you" in Polish.
It's not funny. I almost bought it.
Tragic loss to the art world.
You'll lose them.
Buckle your seat belt.
I swear, if I survive this case, I'll dance a jig.
I'll dance a jig.
The off-ramp we just passed!
Where you going? What are you doing?
Ain't I a bitch?
Now do we go to the cops?
I'll think about it.
Expecting a call?
Where are you, bottom of the pool?
On my way to the ball game.
Someone here wants to talk to you.
I'm okay. I'm not hurt.
You back off...
...or I'll show your daughter what a hot date I am.
- What happened? - He has Darian.
What do we do?
We take Marcone. It's the only way.
We do nothing, they'll kill her anyway.
Careful with that case. It goes "bang. "
Look at all this.
Police and the DEA use it to blow locks.
They explode on impact.
Kill everything within 10 feet.
Put this on. Get in. You in or out?
I'm in. What can I lose?
We're going to a ball game.
That's Marcone's car.
- Always wanted to do that. - Should've shit on it.
I forgot to tell you, you're wanted for murder.
Mr. Dix. Long time no see!
Yeah, too long.
- We're going to see Mr. Marcone. - Sure, go ahead.
Jimmy, you bastard! You broke my nose!
What are you doing here? You were kicked off the team!
How'd you like to be kicked off the planet?
Have a nice game.
How you doing?
You are one dumb bastard.
You know that?
I guess we won't dance that jig.
Of course she is. She's been with Uncle Shelly.
Lose the guns.
Take off your coats. Relax.
What do you think Baynard'll do...
...when he learns you tried to kill him?
He doesn't have a chance.
Shortly, Milo will have him...
...in the sights of a high-powered rifle.
Where's he shooting from?
You never run out of questions.
Let's just say...
...Milo's in a highly enlightened position.
Why'd you kill Cory?
She took to blackmail. I have no truck with that.
She's one of the sweetest whores I ever tasted.
There's 5 feet of marble between me and you.
Maybe I make it, maybe I don't.
You call her "whore" again, I'll find out.
Jimmy, do what you got to do.
Take it easy.
He should know.
With a face like that, he must pay for it.
If you're fond of this little girl...
...keep your goddamn mouth shut!
Eat shit, you redneck!
Goddamn, I'm really glad to see you, Jimmy.
I still have that autographed ball...
...you gave me for my collection.
It's a shame about you.
You had the million-dollar arm, kiddo.
You got hooked on the... What was it?
Because you couldn't stand the pain.
Couldn't take the pain.
Life is pain.
Walk it off, son.
Kids nowadays just don't have no discipline.
Don't you cry, honey.
Come sit in my chair.
Let her go.
Put them out of my misery.
There is the matter of the $6 million.
Unless you're not interested.
Let's humor this asshole.
Just me and Flash know where it is.
It's in the back of a white BMW.
We can take you to it.
Milo said the money was destroyed.
Think I'm bluffing?
I also have in my possession a tape.
You and Baynard.
Very juicy stuff.
Well, now, let me guess.
If something happens to you...
...that thing will be mailed to the cops.
Close. Actually, it goes to the mob.
They'd be interested to know what you're up to.
They stand to lose what?
Two and a half billion dollars?
They won't be upset about that.
Just their entire bookmaking income.
Go ahead and pull the trigger.
Be my guest.
Don't be surprised if you wake up next to a stallion head.
If you had that goddamn tape you'd have already told me.
This ain't working.
Take your best shot.
I ain't going out like that! He's lying!
- The money's not in the car. - Shut up!
It's in a locker. And I got the key.
Where is it?
Stashed in my shorts.
Easy. Just easy.
Don't. He'll kill you!
He'll kill us anyway!
Promise to let me go.
Give him the key or I'll kneecap you.
Nobody gets the money. It's one of those new plastic keys.
Get the key!
The kind that shreds.
Get her out!
I can't walk.
You going to pass out?
I'll make it.
Plastic keys? The kind that shred?
Short notice. Best I could do.
You did real good.
Learned from a pro.
Shit! You wasn't bluffing.
- Where's the senator's box? - Section C. I'll show you.
Where's the senator's box?
"A highly enlightened position. "
He must be on those lights.
Find a cop and stay put.
You hear me? Listen to Daddy, all right?
I'll be all right.
Do what I say. Give me a kiss.
Go find a cop.
- What about me? - Find Baynard.
Get his attention.
A sniper's on that light! He'll shoot Baynard!
There he is! Jimmy Dix!
He pulled a gun on me.
He's got a gun!
You bastard! You fuck!
Give me the ball!
Give me the fucking ball!
I said, "Sit down! "
Put down your weapon!
Looking for this?
I told you:
You ever touch me again, I'll kill you!
What the hell is he doing?
I don't know. Is he dancing?
Looks like he's dancing.
For a dancer, he's one hell of a detective.
What's this I hear about Satan Claus?
You know about him too?
There! That's the man!
This bastard's been making phone calls and harassing me!
I bet he stage-managed the whole damn thing!
Head or gut?
I missed you so much.
You know you're a real bastard?
And then some.
I'm so sorry.
Please forgive me.
I'll buy a dog.
Fuck you, Sarah.
Fuck you, Sarah.
If the cops weren't here, I'd spit in your face.
Where's the briefcase they were telling me about?
White BMW. Back seat.
Ain't a thing here.
Marcone's got the wrong one!
What's next for us?
Tomorrow, I guess.
Take it one step at a time.
Daddy, can I go show Jimmy to my friends?
- He's not a puppy. - He's fucking famous.
You want to watch your mouth?
Come on, Dad.
Your father said, "Watch your mouth. " Do it.
I like that.
I'm thinking I could use a partner.
You up for that?
I don't know anything about being a detective.
There's nothing to it.
Since it's the 90s, you don't just smack a guy in the face.
You say something cool first.
Like, "I'll be back. "
Only better than that.
Like, you hit him with a surfboard and say, "Surf's up! "
Something like that.
That's about it.
Water's wet, the sky is blue...
...and old Satan Claus is out there, just getting stronger.
What do we do about that?
Be prepared, son.
That's my motto. Be prepared.
Subtitled by: GELULA & CO., INC.
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