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Love Dont Cost a Thing

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-Be sure to lock the door. -l'll lock it.
Hi, there. Go on in.
-Hi, Ms. Morgan. -Oh, Alvin. l should have called you.
The kids are having a party. lt's in full swing.
That's okay. l can still clean the pool. They won't be in my way.
Okay. Okay.
Okay, okay. lt's about time you made it, man.
Talking all that garbage in school.
That's you, baby. What? What?
Look at you.
There you are.
You know, l've been looking all over for you.
Come here!
Mama's little baby.
Thank you so much for watching over the grill.
-No problem. -Yeah, thanks.
Forget it, man. Chicks like Paris don't date outside the NBA.
Swim lessons, boy!
All wet.
You need some Floaties.
Get that garbage out of the pool!
Let me give you a tip, punk.
Next time you wanna crash a party...
-...don't fall in the pool. -He's the pool boy, Ted.
lf he was in the pool, it was for a reason, l'm sure.
Well, it's more technical than you think. See, l was just--
Anyhoo! Come on, man.
-Let's get out of here. -Thinks he's on the swim team or something.
Can you believe she had the nerve to ask me what it was like being with him?
l was like, "Oh, my God."
Hello? Right now?
Dru's on TV!
A year ago, he was going to his prom.
He had his corsage and that old-school frilly shirt.
Now he's living pro-baller style. One hell of a jump.
-Why did you bring up the corsage? -Because we all did it.
I bet your peoples on the West Coast miss you.
-You probably got a girl there. -Oh, my God.
I have a job. I play professional basketball. That's what I do.
Otherwise, you know how it is, Stu. I'm a free agent.
All right. Officially, he is a member of the NBA.
Let's go back to SportsCenter.
Free agent? Free agent?
Paged him.
l'll see you in homeroom, all right?
Yo. How you guys doing?
-Did you see the update on the GM website? -What update?
Some guy in Kentucky boosted his power-to-weight ratio by 10 percent.
You have the best design. New York guy gave up.
The Kentucky guy is desperate. Don't worry about it.
Except durability. And power-to-weight.
That's where the new camshaft comes in.
lt's lighter and stronger at the same time.
You're one of the three finalists, Alvin. You're the man!
Hey.
We're only discussing you getting a full-ride, four-year scholarship--
She's like a Frappuccino with hips.
-lt's like they all saw the interview. -They did. lt was on SportsCenter.
Grande Mocha Brownie Frappuccino.
With mint hot fudge and mint whipped cream.
Dream on.
Clearly, Alvin's not masturbating enough.
Thank God l don't have that problem. All right, holler at your people, now.
-l'm not touching that. -l don't want to.
l don't want to.
Yvonne's right. Act like he called with a good explanation.
He better call, and he better have a good explanation. Look at me.
Look at them. Not a care in the world.
lf they catch you staring, they'll send the jocks to kick our asses.
No, they won't.
-We're invisible. -lnvisible?
Not "invisible" invisible. Just invisible to them.
We'd be visible if we'd walk down that hallway.
Why can't we walk down that hallway? lt's a hallway.
ln that community, we're immigrants without green cards.
What? Boy, l got on high fashion just like them. Check this out.
A fake label from the lnternet stuck on some Wranglers. Very high fashion.
-Man, watch this. -Walter.
-Hey, Walter. -Walter, no!
Hell, son, you in the wrong hall, man!
l mean, l'll get you, there. l breaks it down.
Yeah. Hey, girl.
You like how l do that?
Yo, man!
-Y'all busters stinking up our hallway again? -No, no, dudes. lt's cool, bro.
Look. Check this.
Oh, what's up with that, Ted?
ls that the gay surrender? You a homo thug? Man, l ought to kick your ass!
Punk.
Stay out of here.
l got on Sean Johns. l'm gonna make me some Phat Farms.
-No, l mean, buy some. -Don't come down this hallway again!
No, man. No, man. We can't be having that.
lt sounded great.
After you win, we should drop this in the Galaxie.
lf l win.
No offense, but this baby's going with me.
Keep it in my dorm room. Until l get a car.
No "if." When you win, man.
l sure hope l win.
lt'd be a nice change.
Tired of people calling us losers.
-Who says we're losers? -What's the matter with you?
Being depressed and cynical is my job.
Man...
...we're about to graduate soon.
We never go on dates.
Never go to any dances.
We have no memories.
l mean, we're settling.
And they're not.
Clarence! Dinner's ready!
Can you turn off that music, please?
Turn off the music like you been turning off your loving.
Alvin, honey, turn that game off. Come on, time to eat.
Aretha, come on, honey, time to eat. Let's go.
Gracious God.
So...
-...Alvin, got a date tonight? -Dad, you're in denial.
Shut up, you Bride of Chucky-looking extraterrestrial--
That's not even funny, stupid.
Well, Alvin, what do you have planned for tonight, boy?
l'm gonna do some work on the computer.
All the schematics have to be coded in HTML for the GM website.
Then me and the guys will bust out some Xbox.
See that? Your son's a healthy, heterosexual dork.
-Shut up, Lil' Kim in training! -Both of you, hush now.
Why you always blaming me?
Go straight to the auto yard when you get that part.
l don't like you walking with that much cash.
-Why not? How much is it? -$ 1500.
$ 1500?
My boy got $ 1500 cleaning swimming pools?
Yeah, and he collected it in genuine currency, not lOUs or food stamps.
Hold on, now.
Food stamps just like money.
-Try to buy school clothes with them. -Watch yourself.
Look, son.
Your mama right. You know, we proud of you.
Work on your little engine and your little school stuff and all that...
...but listen to me, son. All that working like that without no loving?
That drive a man crazy.
You hear about students in China, all jumping out windows...
...because they be under so much pressure. You know why they jump?
They ain't got enough singing, and ain't enough loving over there.
You ever heard a Chinese love song?
How many Chinese people over there? Give me a figure. About 25--?
What, about 30 billion of them?
30 billion people ain't got a one Barry White.
Ever seen a big old fat, black, Chinese Barry White man? Any of them?
Hell, no, ain't gonna see one either.
Dad, l hear you on the whole dating thing.
-But sometimes you wanna hang out-- -Let me tell you something.
-Clarence! -Oh, shut up.
Don't worry, honey, he'll call.
Speaking of calling, my cell phone doesn't work at the resort...
-...so if you need me, call the resort. -l know, number's on the fridge.
You know what? l'll just be a second. l forgot to put the car in the garage.
-Can't leave my Escalade-- -You're killing me.
Come on, sweetie.
Mom, go!
-l'll put it in for you. -Okay.
Park it and leave it.
Don't even think about cruising around with your friends, thinking you're cute.
-l mean it. You are not on my insurance. -Mom, stop!
Look, you give yourself no credit.
-You ain't no fool-maker. -She's right, and we're late.
-Love you. -Love you too.
Don't worry, honey, he will call on one of those phones.
-l'm balling. -Girl, your mama's wheels are tight.
Take your time. Give everyone a chance to envy.
-Paris is rolling! -Yo, that's hot!
-lt's Dru. -This is perfect.
Stay on the phone with him while we drive up.
-Too bad we don't have a speaker. -Do l mention the interview?
Hell, yeah, you mention the damn interview, girl.
-Just be cool. -And sweet.
No, sweet is weak, Zoe.
-He can't see you through the phone! -Just answer it.
-Hello, Dru? -Who's your boo, baby?
You're my boo, baby, but why did you have to go and dis me?
Why you sweating me? Come on. Who loves you?
Dru loves you. Never stop, never will stop.
Don't hate the player, baby. Hate the game.
Hey, this looks pretty cool. Hopefully, Russell Simmons doesn't kick your ass.
-Wait until the whole car looks like that. -Then all the girls will notice us? No.
At least with the Phat Farm, we'll get some phat booties to rub on. Talk to you!
l hate y'all, man.
Man, l'm telling you, we'll roll up in this car...
...everybody's head's gonna be turning.
-So, baby, really, it was just publicity? -Yeah, girl.
Hey, hold on, okay? Hold on.
He's got me on hold.
Feel like popping a cork, sugar?
-Who's that? -Who's who?
The limo driver popped a tire. l gotta go.
Oh, no, you don't. Then say my name.
-Better say it. -Say my name!
You better say my name. He didn't say it.
What do you mean, he didn't say it?
-He didn't say my name! -Look out!
Oh, she done messed the ride!
-Yo, l got an uncle that could fix that, baby! -Better get Maaco!
OnStar emergency.
l'll stand anywhere, baby.
-Is there an emergency in your vehicle? -Do you know how much that will cost?
-$3000? -And about two weeks in terms of labor.
l'm a little backed up.
Can we figure out some kind of payment schedule?
Yeah, sure. Here's what we can do. You give me 300 now...
...and come back two weeks from Monday with 2700.
And that's cash on delivery, not check on delivery.
That doesn't make sense.
l just said, my mom's gonna be back on Monday!
-ln two weeks, l'll be dead! -Don't worry about it, honey.
Kids crash cars all the time. That's why people get insurance.
You're not on your mom's insurance, are you?
l'm dead.
Hey, Alvin! lt's in.
You gotta check this out.
lt's amazing how light this is.
lt's hard to believe it's a camshaft.
You know her?
-That's Paris Morgan. -Will you explain to her...
...that two weeks and 3 grand is the best she can hope for?
Too bad her mama's coming home on Monday.
Out of that 3 grand...
-...how much is in parts? -l don't know. About 1500. Why?
l'll be right back.
Paris?
-Alan? -Alvin.
You do our pool, right?
Yeah. You know...
...Ben's quoting you a really fair price.
That's what l figured.
l'm dead.
Not necessarily.
-What? -l can have it done by Monday.
-You can do it? -The parts are only $ 1500.
-l can have the labor done by this weekend. -But l don't have $ 1500.
l do.
Let's back up here.
Now, you're saying you're willing to fix this car...
-...this weekend and pay for the parts? -Yeah.
That's what I'm saying. Exactly.
And what exactly do you want in return?
-What, you think l'm some cheap ho? -Wait. This has nothing to do with sex.
You don't have to do anything.
Just pretend.
Pretend to be my girlfriend for a couple of months.
So you think that you can buy me for $ 1500?
No, no, no. Not buy you, just rent you.
Did l mention this has nothing to do with sex?
Why would you want people to think that l'm your girl?
lt would make me popular.
All right. One week.
l'm your girl for one week.
It has to be...
...a month.
-Two weeks! That's my final answer. -Okay, two weeks. Perfect.
-And you better not even think about sex. -Yeah, yeah. Got it, got it.
-And don't even look at my booty. -Right. No booty licking.
l mean, looking.
This is a sworn secret, right?
You can't tell anyone about our deal. Promise?
This is one thing I can guarantee I will never admit to anyone.
Pinky swear?
You're not late.
My dad says all women are 15 minutes late--
You know what? Zip your mouth.
Do you own an iron?
-Come here. Let me fix this. -All right.
All right.
-Sorry. -The pressure, the pressure.
Sorry, sorry. l'm really ready to go now.
Hold on.
Put this on.
Whoa! Real Sean John!
All right!
This rocks!
-Okay, Alan, let's do this. -Actually, Alvin.
Like Al Green, because my sister is actually named Aretha.
Whatever.
Yo, grinder, go home!
-Why is he in our hallway? -Just be cool.
-Wrong hall, cornball. -Come on, boy.
Bozo's lost again.
Girl, you are tripping.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, guys. You guys know Al, right?
Why is Tito Jackson here?
Come here, girl. We gotta talk.
-Why is he rolling with you? -Look, we're friends, all right?
l'm just hanging with him. Okay?
No, we're friends. Have you lost your mind? Look at him.
He looks like a buggawuf. lt's gonna ruin your reputation.
Hello? l'm the one hanging with him, not you guys.
Okay, but as the old saying goes:
"Tell me who your friends are, and l'll tell you who you are."
Well, as the new saying goes:
"Tell me who your friends are, Yvonne, and l'll tell you who you wanna be."
-No, she didn't. -Oh, yes, l did.
Hurry up.
Alvin, did you twist your ankle or something?
No. l'm just walking.
Nice job sewing on that Sean John label, buddy. Let me see that.
Wait a minute. ls this real? Real Sean John?
-Where did you get this? -Paris Morgan. She let me borrow it.
Give it back!
Paris Morgan?
You expect us to believe she lent you a sweatshirt?
Why is that so hard to believe?
Because it would imply that she would speak to you.
Not only did she speak to me, we walked together. Lingered.
We even had small conversation.
Paris Morgan had this actual sweatshirt on her actual body?
-Yeah. -Let me smell it one more time.
Don't be that way, brother!
That's a nice scent. Wait, it's on fire!
-Hose it down! -Put it out!
-Turn the water on. -What's going on, Mr. Johnson?
Okay, it's out!
-"Sean Jo." -Could be Asian.
Sean Jo.
-Smell like burnt Paris Morgan now. -That's how hot she is.
That was a good one.
Okay, okay. Ladies, look and learn.
Keep it gangster!
-Now, what do you call that? -High maintenance.
Dang, Ted. Didn't realize you were so talented.
Yo, Paris, you're the one who went to the Halle Berry School for Driving.
-Yeah, how you gonna fix that? -lt's already fixed.
Oh, come on, Ted.
When homegirl is all quiet and humble about it...
...it's because her rich and famous boo, Mr. Dru...
...paid for all that to be corrected immediately.
What's he gonna think when he finds out...
...you're volunteering for special ed, rolling with that retard, Alvin?
You're the last person to be commenting on someone's mental health, Kadeem.
He's a grinder, not a retard.
But on the real, Paris, he carries a pool net around town, on a motorized scooter.
You know, l don't believe l granted an interview today.
Hey. Hey, look.
-lt doesn't add up. lt doesn't make sense. -He cleans her pool.
l wanna clean pools. Get to hang out with Paris Morgan.
l'll clean the bathtub too.
Yo, check this out, man.
Losers sit over there, to the left.
You feel me?
Then l guess you'll be making a right. That's the asshole section, Ted.
You know what? l think l'm gonna go get some dessert.
You know, the Butterfingers in the vending machine rock.
You know, y'all don't have to be so rude, staring at him like that.
Why are you with him?
l'm rolling with Al because l'm with him, okay?
Yeah.
There you are. Come on, let's bounce.
There's a game tonight, so scoop me up at 6:30?
l will be scooping you like Chunky Monkey.
Slide, hit six...
...and kick.
Pull. Land low.
All right. Now shake it out.
Shake it out. Good job, y'all.
-All right. Ready to have a good time? -Give me my tape.
lt's not your tape. lt's Dad's tape. Take your Wonderbra and get out.
And why would you need it anyway? You know you'll never get to use it.
Oh, yeah? Well, guess what.
-Thank you. -Mom? Alvin's taking drugs.
He's hallucinating. He actually thinks he has a date tonight.
-Why can't he? -With Paris Morgan?
The most beautiful girl at school? Dad, you bugging.
-What that supposed to mean? -Look at him.
Where's the iron?
lt's under the sink. Are you feeling okay, honey?
Mom, l'm great.
See that? Drugs.
-Do you think maybe l should--? -No. Look here. Let me handle this here.
He probably just needs a good talking to, that's all.
Take it low.
-Son? Come out and talk to your father. -Shake it out.
Shake it out. Good. Have fun with it. Take it to the side.
Take it low. Do what you wanna do. It's the shake-off.
Come on, take a seat.
Come on. Gotta get your sea legs. Might wanna get yourself a waterbed one day.
There ain't a woman born that can resist...
...the motion...
...of the ocean.
Dad, l gotta iron my clothes.
No, no, no. Don't worry about that.
Because nothing right now can rob me...
...of this rite of passage between the father and his son.
Me and you right now, it's big.
And kick.
Jump, jump. And mambo.
Now kick him in the nuts, girl. Kick him in the face. And punch.
Chop, chop.
This here, son...
...is your hope chest.
This is my legacy to you.
A hope chest?
They come in all different sizes and colors.
Let me talk to you, son.
This right here, son-- Look at me, boy. Watch this here.
This is the Trojan ribbed, lubricated. Sturdy, reliable, dependable. Like a truck.
When you don't really know what you into, and it get a little rough for you...
...makes you downshift.
This one here, son....
This is the super-size...
...Magnum majestic.
The prophylactic Cadillac.
Oh, yeah.
This is when you find yourself and you're there.
You done got so comfortable with yourself you done built up a reputation.
You feel me?
And this one here, son, be extra careful...
...because that's Mr. Little Extra Sensitive.
You really don't need this, especially on the first round.
You'll enjoy the ride too much, end up on the curb somewhere out of commission.
You don't want that. Save this for round three.
Because believe me, there's gonna be a round three.
Look at me. Feel me.
All right, now, look strong. Come on, son.
Close your mouth. There you go.
Keep it tight. Work with it.
Love you, man.
--seven eight, and chop, chop.
And mambo. Lucy Liu!
Now kick him in the nuts, girl. Kick him in the face. And punch.
Chop, chop. Yeah. Mambo.
Lucy Liu, now. Kick him in the back, the face.
Punch. Chop, chop. Mambo.
Lucy Liu. Now kick him in the nuts, girl. Kick him in the face. Step, punch.
Girl, you know better than that.
You better put that chicken wing down, okay?
I see you, girl. Five, six, seven, eight, down.
And wiggle.
And shimmy.
And five and six and....
Touch yourself, come on.
Hold me tight. Yes.
Oh, hell, no.
-Hey, fellas, how you doing? -Hey, Mr. Johnson. What's going on?
Look, l got a bit of bad news for you.
lt seems like Alvin done moved. He don't stay here no more.
This has ceased to be funny.
Hey, ain't nobody playing with you, now.
Listen to me. l know you been friends with Alvin since first grade...
...but Alvin dating a girl now.
He don't need to be hanging around y'all scientific-looking ass...
...no more.
Stop all that, now.
-Y'all take it easy, okay? -Come on, Mr. Johnson!
Get your big, wide ass off the door.
You gonna mess around, and l'm gonna get my Roto-Rooter and stick it--
-Come on in! -All right, yeah. Exactly. Let me in.
Alvin, your dad's funny.
So, what's going on?
l'm not asking him.
Okay, look, well, we always sit together at the games in the visitors section, and....
Well, are you going to sit with us...
...or in the home seats with the popular kids?
Yeah, see, we were thinking that we'd sit in the home section with you...
...so you could introduce us to Paris Morgan.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
-Of course you can! -All right!
So did you and Paris, you know, do it?
-Do what? -lt! lt, it, it! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
Sorry, guys.
l'm not telling.
Dogpile!
These are for you.
They're Arabian roses.
Alvin, that's so sweet, but you shouldn't have.
Girls see a guy being too nice...
...and it makes him seem lonely, desperate, weak.
-Right, right. l should write this down. -No.
Look, just be a little tougher. You know? Make like you don't need me.
Like you don't need any girl.
Then girls will want you.
-Okay? -Okay.
But the flowers, they're nice.
Look, l'll go put them in water, and then we'll go to the game, all right?
You stay right there. Okay?
Basket!
Assist, Sanders!
-Sit down, clowns! -Dumb-asses!
Sit down, Q-Tip!
Jackrabbits! Jackrabbits! Jackrabbits! Jackrabbits!
-Hi, Paris! -Hi, Paris!
-Hi, Paris! -Come on.
All right, guys, that's enough.
She's working. Leave her alone.
What a wankster.
And now, the Jackrabbit drill squad.
Left, right
-Chuck, have some couth. -Yeah, it's just breasts and bottoms, damn!
Hey! Hey!
My mom bought those for me!
-One time! One time! -Why are you like that?
You pretty.
She's perfect.
Move. Move. Move. What are you doing, sitting in my section?
You hungry? Wanna offer pizza? Let me offer some for you.
Home is down with your man. Stay out of my section, all right?
Losers sit over there, to the left!
What are you, a big fake?
Alvin?
-Alvin! -The deal is off.
Just go. Go be with your friends while they still claim you.
Come down out of that tree.
We still have a lot of time to pretend we're friends.
And unlike some people, l keep my promises.
You mean, unlike Dru?
Are you okay? Alvin?
You know, these next two weeks, if it's any consolation...
...are probably gonna be the happiest memories of my life.
You can't be serious.
Alvin, we've had one rejection after another.
Now, are those the kind of victories you really want in life?
No, not really.
Then l say we do something about it.
Come on.
What happened to your hair?
Probably need to roll your pants up just a little bit.
Oh, see, these is Sean John.
So l gotta get my swing on.
Son, what has happened to your priorities?
Oh, no, see, it was all about what was under the hood.
Now l'm trying to be on top of the hood.
Because l'm a baller-tician...
...on a mission. Holler.
Urkel has gone gangster.
Probably need to go in here, say something to this boy.
Here we go.
Your mother wants me to talk to you about what's gotten into you.
But what l wanna talk about is who you're getting into.
What is that, boy? What is that?
You'll need more money if you're trying to scratch that kitty-cat.
Let me help you out, son.
Thanks, Dad.
Boy, been waiting a long time for that right there. And that's not all.
Got it for you right here.
Yeah.
Dad, l think l still have a few left from the boxful you gave me last night.
Boy, you won't use these cheap suckers right here. These is for practice.
Come here, let me show you what l'm talking about. Sit down right there.
Listen to me. You gotta be able to know how to do this...
...with the ease of a true player.
Because nothing kill a mood quicker than you sitting up there wrestling...
...trying to get your raincoat on your little rascal.
Now, go on, open one of them, right there.
Take your time.
Work with it. There.
Okay.
That was good, son. That was real good. Two problems.
Number one, too slow, girl probably asleep.
Second problem, you used two hands.
You a Johnson. We one-hand people.
Make you look a lot smoother.
Here we go.
Little rusty, that's all.
Sorry about that, boy.
l want you to practice unrolling one.
No, don't worry about that. You a Johnson.
l got you, right here.
Go on, slide that on there.
You practice on that right now. l'll be right back.
Here we go, right here.
All the practicing in the world ain't gonna do you good...
...if you kill too much time and you lose the mood.
l'm about to give you my number one, smooth-groove jam...
...guaranteed to set the mood just like you need it.
Stay with me, boy. This big.
Go on, feel it.
Come on, now, you're Clarence Johnson's boy.
Wet your lips.
Gotta get them wet. Go on.
You got them wet like that? Now, there it is.
You know what? She wants you now.
You're a Johnson man. All you got to do is lay back...
...let her come on into your world. Let her slide right on up on the kitchen.
Because you fixed to start cooking. Oh, yeah.
Just go to work. When you hold her, got to get her like that.
She starts sliding right on down where you got to have it.
Get up under there. lt's all good for you.
Then you make your move. You slide around on her.
Then you're in control. Lock on. Here we go!
Along for the ride, baby!
You gonna learn to scratch that kitty-cat and you're gonna love it!
You can run but you can't hide!
That's why they call you Johnson!
ls that what you're teaching our son?
The boy going to get some.
The boy been working hard trying not to go crazy.
Maybe you ought to just let the boy have some fun.
ls that our song?
Sounds like it to me.
Really?
Watch out, now. Let me help you with that.
-Hold up, might need a little rope. -Daddy, don't you do it.
-Paris? -lt's her mother.
God. Get up out of my bushes! What is your problem?
-Are you okay? -l'm cool.
You were just here. Did l forget to pay you last week?
-No, actually-- -Hey, Mom. l'm out of here.
Love you, see you.
Sorry.
These kids.
So you know all this stuff about cars.
Now, you mean, you've never thought about getting one of your own?
Not to brag or anything, but l was chosen as one of three finalists...
...in the General Motors Young Engineers Competition.
lt's for a full-ride scholarship.
Dang! Look at you.
Here l am sweating you, player, about not having a car...
...and you know how to make one.
l hope you win.
Yeah.
l think l definitely could have won.
You know, the design was great, it ran awesome.
lt just needed a stronger, lighter camshaft.
What, am l missing something? How come you didn't go out and buy one?
lt cost $ 1500.
Are you serious?
There's still a chance.
And if not, hey, l got all my life to be an engineer.
The last semester in high school...
...only comes around once.
l haven't really been on too many dates in the last 16 or 17 years.
l hope l do okay.
You'll do great.
Slide over. You drive.
Nice Expo. Problem is, it's a '98.
What the hell do you know about cars?
Well...
...'98s, there's a little shortage in the battery cable.
lt's nothing a rubber insulation can't fix, though.
Pulling out a condom.
Go ahead, check it out. Give it a try.
You're gonna fix my car with a rubber?
Yeah.
When you were doing your thizzle earlier, you were off the hizzle.
Yeah. What kind of car do you drizzle?
-Drizzle--? -He's designing and constructing one...
...from the ground up...
...which, as of yet, has no reference in layman's terms.
Yeah, so basically, you don't have a car.
Well, l never had a rich pops to buy me anything...
...so l'm just a working man trying to come up.
Yeah, you cool, man.
l'm not feeling this cat.
So let me tell you about the time when l was fixing this police car...
...on the side of the highway. She had that outfit on, the brown one--
-Hey, baby. -l need to talk to you.
Now.
Fellas, y'all have to excuse me.
You are a genius! This is working great! You're so brilliant.
-You look upset. -l am.
-At what? -While you were fronting...
...like you're some player, l was outside waiting for you.
We have a deal.
-We walk the hall together, remember? -Sorry--
Look, Alvin, l think you're starting to feel yourself a little too much.
l do not do that. My mother said you'll go blind!
Whatever.
Look, just don't ever keep me waiting again.
-Hey, we'll catch up with y'all. -All right, guys.
l can't believe this, dude....
What's the matter? l mean, l said l was sorry.
l got caught up. l was hanging with my friends--
The friends who gave you a pepperoni facial?
Look, we squashed all that.
lt's a lot of work, Alvin. The whole interior.
We wanted you to be there.
Okay, look.
We'll get together this weekend, we'll work on the car.
lt'll be like old times. We'll have a good time.
Great, Friday night. We'll get to work on reupholstering the inside of the seats--
Friday, Friday....
-l can't do it. l got plans. -Well, Saturday, then.
Saturday's not good for me either.
You know what? Sunday afternoon.
Yeah. Great. Sunday.
Yeah.
-Gonna introduce me? -You met them in fourth grade, remember?
What's going on?
What's the deal?
Life is good. You all right?
Hello?
Paris?
Yo, Paris!
What are you doing just walking in my house?
The door was open. My bad.
l heard you playing your guitar, though. lt sound hot.
What are you even doing here?
lt's the last day in our two-week contract. l thought we'd hang out.
Let me hear you play.
Come on.
Look, l'm still learning...
...and the lyrics l wrote don't go with my melody yet.
l'll read. You play.
Come on.
"And l rise.
ln spite of my fear inside...
...caused by those who have burned me with their lies.
And l rise.
And l rise."
Look....
Go on, get dressed.
Why?
No more questions. Get dressed.
To my relationships that didn't work
Map of this human heart Starts at the age of 15
When I lost my virginity To a lady, older
Like most boys It was based on the lies I told her
I had so much to prove Like I had more experience
Than she thought I knew And though it wasn't true
It was amazing
But it ended because I did What most young boys do
Listened to the lies of a fool Which led to this girl
Getting socked in the jaw In the middle of school
Even though I didn't do it I felt to blame
Because the girl who hit her was the cousin Of my man who was salting my game
Nowadays it just don't seem cool
Tell me what the hell Am I supposed to do?
And then a wise man gave me a clue
He said "The only way out is the way through "
You know, it's silly...
...but instead of this whole...
..."drill team/Dru Hilton's girl" thing...
...what l really, really always dream about is just going somewhere.
Somewhere where nobody knows me.
Just being this girl with, like, crazy cool dreads...
...and a guitar and-- Oh, never mind, it's really dumb.
You know...
...you could bring your guitar here.
No, l can't.
No, you mean you won't.
This is beautiful.
You know, Al...
...there's something that we've been avoiding all day.
Something that maybe we ought to do.
You know what, you're right.
This might sound kind of silly...
...but how do we do it?
Well....
Just go for it, you know? Just do it.
Okay.
We'll break up first thing tomorrow morning.
ln the hallway, so everybody can see. l mean, make a big scene.
But a dignified scene because, you know, we gotta protect our reps.
Did you hear what l just said? Our reps!
Al Johnson has a rep to protect!
Player, player.
Come on, girl, put a pep in your step. We got school in the morning!
Now, those are the benefits of being raised in a household with vinyl and 8-track.
-You know, old school for real. -Damn, man, you got all the 411.
l'm talking Earth, Wind and Fire.
-"Erf," E with a F at the end of it. -Al?
-Here comes your girl. -Al, l need to talk to you.
Don't you see grown men are talking here?
Anyway, you know, as l was saying, you know, Ohio Players--
Al, we need to talk.
What's up with this "we, we" stuff? This ain't French class. Ain't no "we."
l'm a free agent now.
-That was cruel. -Sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind.
That's how you keep a lady in check, you know what l'm saying?
You still here?
Bounce. Giddyup.
Damn.
Too many fish in the sea for her to be hounding me.
-l'm feeling this. -l hear you, boy.
She gonna be back too. Watch.
Did you just see how he just dogged Paris?
-l want a strong brother like that. -Yep.
Look at him, standing there looking better than a butter-leather Prada bag.
You got a lot of nerve dissing me the way you did.
Yeah, l know, that's why l came by, to apologize.
But, yo, Oscar goes to you.
Hey, l just really want to say thank you for a great couple of weeks.
Well, l was just doing what l said l would do.
And it worked.
l mean, popularity is so much better than being treated like a social leper.
Popularity's a job, Alvin. Not a privilege.
lt's nothing but work and worries.
Work to get in, work to stay in.
Get a clue.
You're killing them, dog.
Morning, dime pieces.
Your gear is real tight today, boo.
Appreciate it. You know, Nike, Burberry, Gucci, Scooby-Doo.
You're taking me to Jerry's Friday night, right?
Sure. l mean...
...how could l say no to a breezy like you?
For real?
Real is all l am, baby.
l'll holler.
Yvonne, he just broke up with Paris less than 24 hours ago.
You just mad l beat you to him.
It's Yvonne. You're all mine tomorrow night.
You know, Yolanda, my big girl, we're gonna need the whole back seat.
Girls are gonna let us. They're gonna let us, is what l'm saying, when they see this.
-Amazing. -Came out all right, no thanks to you.
Feel the seats, Alvin.
All right. Got the Phat Farm hookup...
...shag carpet, laptop, minibar. Wow.
Wait till you see the routine we got worked out to get in the car.
Here. Stand in the front. Come on, hurry up.
Look, right there.
Doors.
You know, you guys should really clean out the carburetor.
Ben's got an old Holley four-barrel at the shop. l think he'll let me get it.
-Cool. -We're cruising tonight.
l can get right on it. l'll go down there right now, have it fixed.
-l really wanna roll out with you guys. -For real? Right on.
We missed you, man.
We've been checking the GM website, hoping to see your update.
Hey, there's plenty of time for that.
l'll meet you all at Kenneth's house at 8. We gonna party. Go put on your good stuff.
-l don't have any good stuff. -lt's all right.
Hey, yo, man. l'm digging the whip, boy.
l'm feeling it, man.
You got the hooptie.
Look at her.
Yeah, l'm like the Renaissance man of automobiles. You feel me?
This here is my newest work of art. l call this the "groupie hooptie."
This is hot.
Put a microwave in the glove compartment.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
-He's doing it. -Get some. Quench your thirst on that.
He's 63 and a half minutes late. lt's not like him.
Where you going in such a hurry?
-No rush. -l get free long distance on my cell, baby.
l don't need it on a date.
ls your foot on the gas?
Sorry.
Now...
...where were we?
You gotta relax, Al.
lt's all right.
Now, don't you worry, because Mama's gonna take good care of you.
-l was just e-mailing you. -Sure you were.
No, seriously, man, l'm telling you, you will not believe what happened to me tonight.
Give us the keys to our car.
Okay, but l'm telling you, it's coming out like a Penthouse letter.
Y'all know how it is when you're butt-naked with a little cutie, right?
Yeah, right--
We were worried. We thought you might be at Ben's working on our car.
-We went down there, but it was closed. -Took an hour to get his home number.
-You talked to Ben? -Yeah.
He says if you don't come in soon, the camshaft's going back to Germany.
-Oh. -That's right, "Oh."
Look. Let me explain this--
As of midnight, we're officially excommunicating Alvin from the clubhouse.
The clubhouse from fourth-freaking-grade? You can't be serious.
We shall never again speak to, nor respond to any words...
-...from the aforementioned Alvin Johnson. -Chuck, man.
Three, two, one.
Walter.
Fine, then.
Dude, l don't need you losers.
Ain't my fault you guys ain't getting no--
Boobie? All you gave him was a little boob action?
That was all he wanted.
-Was it good? -l was good.
Hello. What happened to the pact that we wouldn't date each other's ex-boyfriends?
This ain't Burger King. You can't always have it your way.
Come on, Zoe.
Something is rotten in the hood.
At first, l was gonna plan a sort of blackmail angle on him.
Then, after a great deal of research...
...l realized he has nothing of value.
So, here l am. l'm telling you. He paid that girl to be his friend.
Aretha, now, your brother would never do such a thing.
Pops, Moms, what's the deal?
Hey, yo, no time for the victuals, l gotta do my thug thizzle.
Gotta have the pimp juice.
l'll holler.
Al, is there something that you want to tell us about your engine part, son?
That engine part that is so very important to your future.
You know what? That's a long story. l'll put you up on game later on tonight.
Let's make a long story short.
Did you or did you not squander your future on some tramp girl?
Moms...
...nobody uses the word "tramp" anymore.
You know, it's more like "chickenhead" or "hootchie."
Plus, it's my future.
And that's my ride to school.
School? Liar. Today is Senior Ditch Day.
You know what? Little biscuithead is right.
l'm gonna go to the beach, check out some breezies...
...put my feet in the water and kick it with my crew.
And l could have lied to y'all, not even told y'all, but y'all my folks.
And l ain't got nothing but love for you. Let me get that.
-Peace out. -l told you so. l told you so. l told you so.
The money he had for the engine, that's what he used to pay that girl.
Well, then that's gonna have to end right now.
Go on, get your purse.
Yo, what's up, Al?
Hi, Alvin.
Wait.
Let me do that for you.
Good looking out.
Why are these B's following us?
Us? Why? We ain't on no date right now.
Don't be mad. l can't bring sand to the beach.
Damn, man. These shorties is really sweating you.
Like gym socks.
-Man, you doing it, baby. -Yo, pimp, pimp, hooray.
l ain't mad at you.
Hey, Kadeem. l need to rap with Al.
Handle that.
So, what's up, shorty?
Shorty, huh?
Look, l was thinking maybe we should still hang out sometime.
As friends.
You're a great listener.
So l guess your boy Anthony's neck didn't taste as good as you made it look?
Please. He's old and tired.
Yeah. And now since l'm the coolest thing since shoestrings...
...you trying to get laced, right?
Al.
lf l'd known you was for sale, l would've bought you sooner.
Now, you need to slow your roll.
How dare you stand in my face popping that noise? Are you crazy?
Look, l made you "Al."
l will work overtime to break you, Alvin. You got that?
You can't break a real man, baby.
l'm waiting for you.
You gonna have to excuse me. l'm all booked up.
-Auditioning prom dates. -Yeah.
Now, there's a real catch. She's given more rides than Greyhound.
Yeah, but l bet you it won't cost me $ 1500 for a ticket.
Yeah. You don't have nothing to say now, do you?
Whatever.
You don't need her no more, boo.
-Yeah. That's what l'm talking about. -Come on, let's dance.
Dance?
Do you really care about me?
Of course l do, girl.
Well, prove it.
l always used to watch you. Yeah.
And you....
You inspired me...
-...to write you a song. -Really?
Yeah. Yeah. lt goes like this.
Olivia, me and you We will rise
Despite our fears inside
Rumor has it today's Senior Ditch Day.
Dru Hilton.
What's the deal, baby? What brings you out here?
Came to see Paris, man. Where she at? Where she at?
Yo. Thirty points last game?
l'm balling, baby. What you know? What you know?
What's up? What's going on, dog, you know what l'm saying?
Dru.
lt's been a while. l wasn't expecting you in town so soon.
You know, team got in a day early, so l thought l'd surprise you.
What do you say you and l get out of here, just the two of us?
You give me a chance to apologize.
All right.
Let me get my things.
Damn, brother. lt's that easy, huh?
Hey, hey, hey. Look, what goes on the road, stays on the road.
Besides, this girl, she's my first love. She can't even picture being with anybody else.
Yo, one of you fools been trying to get with Paris?
-Which one of you? Which one of you? -Yo, chill, Dru, all right? lt wasn't me.
She was Al Johnson's girl. Not mine.
-Who? -Al Johnson, man.
See, the only Al Johnson l know is Alvin Johnson.
Yeah, he getting shorties now.
Aquaman.
All right.
What's wrong?
Why you looking at me like that?
l hear you got yourself a new man.
-Really, it's not-- -Whatever. Whatever.
l didn't come back here for you to lie in my face.
We're done.
-No. No, look. Wait. -Get off me. Get off me!
l swear. Look, l haven't moved on, Dru!
-Alvin! -Yo, Paris, where you going?
Al, get out there. l need you to go tell Dru about our deal.
l'm kind of in the middle of something--
Alvin, Dru is about to leave. Please, just go tell him the truth.
The truth is that we were dating, l got over you, and that was that.
-Al! Dru is-- -Paris, stop it.
You're making a fool of yourself.
Oh, so you won't tell Dru the truth...
...because you're afraid that they'll find out that you paid me to be your friend?
Well, guess what. They just found out.
He just wanted to be popular.
So he spent 1500 bucks on me to hang out with him for two weeks.
That's the truth.
Well, technically, the money was spent on the car.
Olivia. What about our song?
We will rise Despite those who burning us
-She burning us with the lie-- -Shut up.
Didn't have to push me.
That's my song! l wrote those words.
Yeah, what's that old saying?
"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"? Can l get an amen?
A hallelujah?
l was just trying to quote, you know, an old philosopher.
l think it was Pimping Ken or Aristotle or Chris Rock.
Serves him right. Let's go. Come on, let's go.
Hey, y'all, wait up. Anthony. Ted.
Ted. Anthony.
Maybe l should just try and look past all of this.
Girl, you know Dru loves you. He'll take you back.
No, l mean....
You know what l've been thinking, Zoe?
After graduation, l was thinking of moving to San Francisco.
You know, take singing lessons. l mean, l've been learning how to play guitar, girl.
Oh, get real, girl.
You're never gonna be Alicia Keys or Norah Jones.
You're gonna be the wife of an NBA star.
Life doesn't get any better than that.
Hello? Paris?
Paris?
l need to talk to you, son.
Dad, l got all the condoms l could use.
Probably won't be needing any in the near future.
Well, look. Why don't you get up, son...
...because your future is what l'm here to talk to you about.
That's right. l got your camshaft.
Now, you probably gonna have to work like hell to pay this thing off...
...but l don't want you to worry about that till you finish that engine up.
lt's probably too late.
And l have to rebuild the engine to the new camshaft...
...then retest it.
lt's a lot of work.
Okay, then get off your ass and handle your business.
Look, Alvin. Look, man.
When l was in school, l was one of the coolest dudes at the school.
l was something else, man. l had the whole game working.
And l guess l kind of just always wanted you...
...to have that same kind of fun that l did.
But you know why that was?
See, it was because, see...
...l didn't have your brains.
l didn't have your potential.
None of that, man.
But you....
From day one, me and your mama...
...we always knew, man, that you was just gonna achieve some great things for us.
l don't know, l guess maybe l was...
...maybe a little jealous or something. l don't know.
But l'm gonna tell you something, though.
l have always...
...always been proud of you, son.
l been damn proud of you, man.
Look who's awake.
You finished it.
Congratulations, it looks good.
Yeah, thanks. Hey, guys, look--
Man, save your breath.
Look, come on, guys. Don't go. l was--
-What's the matter with the Galaxie? -lt's none of your concern.
The scholarship committee's probably gonna want to look at this engine next week.
Other than that, y'all needed an engine.
Set the screen! Set the screen!
There it is. There it is.
Thirty seconds remaining in the half.
Get back, get back. Come on, Ted. Come on, Ted.
-Basket by number 32. -Hey, that was your man.
You got to call a switch.
See, this is the reason why we're losing.
Because we're infected with losers.
Stay focused on the game, man. Forget them.
Oh, man.
Attention, losers, get out of my good-luck seats now!
No, we're gonna sit where we want.
Oh, you think it's a game, huh?
Get up or get beat down.
Yo, Ted, let's go, man. Let's go to the locker room. We're running plays.
Move now.
You wanna beat somebody up, huh, tough guy?
He just asked for an ass-whupping.
l've been waiting for this.
-Yeah. Yeah. -Ted.
l'll beat you like you stole something.
Go ahead.
Start beating.
Can't beat me no worse than l been beating myself...
...for wanting to be friends with you.
All this time, l was just fronting to be cool.
Because l didn't have the balls enough to be myself.
So instead, l started dissing my real friends.
But, hey, this is who l am.
Alvin Johnson. Pool boy.
l like blended mocha lattes, with a little foam on the top.
l like Michael Jackson's Bad album.
This is me.
And l ain't afraid to admit it.
So go ahead, Ted.
Do it.
Hit me.
And l'm gonna show you who's bad.
-Ted, what you gonna do? -Yeah, Ted.
Who's bad?
You are a freak!
Yeah.
-Take your boy. -Chill, we got him.
Yeah, you chill. You chill.
All right.
Alvin.
Alvin, stop.
Hey. Hey, baby.
l've been thinking. l'm gonna give you one more chance to apologize.
l have other dreams.
Other dreams? l'm your meal ticket.
Pool boy, right? You bugging.
Alvin, stop.
-Alvin, l know. l know what you're thinking. -No.
-You think you know. -No. l know.
You're all mad at yourself and feeling like some kind of fool...
...because you've been fronting about who you are for two weeks?
l been fronting about who l am, who l wanna be...
...for as long as l can even remember.
And on the real, l'm tired--
[ENGLlSH]
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