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MASH 1970 CD1

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{y:i}Through early morning fog I see
{y:i}Visions of the things to be
{y:i}The pains that are withheld for me
{y:i}I realize and I can see
{y:i}That suicide is painless
{y:i}It brings on many changes
{y:i}And I can take or leave it if I please
{y:i}The game of life is hard to play
{y:i}I'm gonna lose it anyway
{y:i}The losing card I'll someday lay
{y:i}So this is all I have to say
{y:i}Suicide is painless
{y:i}Suicide
{y:i}It brings on many changes
{y:i}Changes
{y:i}And I can take or leave it if I please
{y:i}The sword of time will pierce our skins
{y:i}It doesn't hurt when it begins
{y:i}But as it works its way on in
{y:i}The pain grows stronger, watch it grin
{y:i}Suicide is painless
{y:i}It brings on many changes
{y:i}And I can take or leave it if I please
{y:i}A brave man once requested me
{y:i}To answer questions that are key
{y:i}Is it to be or not to be?
{y:i}And I replied "Oh, why ask me?"
{y:i}Suicide is painless
{y:i}I brings on many changes
{y:i}And I can take or leave it if I please
{y:i}And you can do the same thing
{y:i}If you please
- Radar!|- Yes, sir.
- Call Major Burns.|- I'll call Major Burns.
Tell him we need to hold|two surgeons over from the day shift.
- I'll call General Hammond.|- Tell Hammond we need two new surgeons.
I hope he sends us those|two new surgeons. We sure need 'em.
- What, sir?|- I gave everything to Radar.
What?
- What the hell d'you think you're doing?|- What? I'm...
Just because you're a captain,|don't think you run the joint.
I run it.
- I'm supposed to...|- I know what you're supposed to do.
Your driver will be with you shortly.|He's having his coffee now.
- Racist.|- Attention.
The following men|report to the departure area;
Carey, Michael S.|Phelps, Robert A. Colbert.
Cleaver, Herschell B.|Roosevelt, Charles B.
- Goodbye, ladies. Thank you.|- Bye-bye.
Govowska, Theodore G.|Miller...
- 4077th MASH?|- This is the jeep here.
All right.
OK, let's go, boy.
Get my other bag.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Schermerhorn! Get that son of a bitch!|He just stole my jeep.
Hey! Watch what|the hell you're doin', will ya?
There you are, sir. The officers' mess.|Perhaps you would like to take a small repas.
I couldn't eat after that ride you gave me.|You want any of this?
No, thank you, but I could do with my lunch.
Well, why don't you come on in|with me and get a sandwich?
I'll follow you anywhere, sir.
Oh! How about that piece of scenery,|Yankee, huh?
Yes, sir.
Who are those men?|Friends of yours, Murrhardt?
- No, sir. First time I've seen them.|- Maybe those are the replacements.
Oh, don't be silly.|We're expecting some really sharp surgeons.
I guess they just got separated from their unit|and are looking for something to eat.
They've got a hell of a nerve|coming in here eating our food.
Pardon me. Would you move over|just a little bit. Thank you. Ooh!
Be careful with that.
- But she's got to use Phisohex...|- I think I'm in love.
..that Phisohex soap on her face.|She really has a bad complexion.
- But when she's got a bad complexion...|- She won't use soap.
Well, the truth is, Lieutenant,|I don't have anything to do tonight.
I just got into town and, well, I thought|maybe you could show me around.
Captain, if you'll notice the lieutenant's|beautiful hand, she is definitely married.
I'm the commanding officer|and I'll get to the bottom of this.
Boy, Bandini, they're eating here|because they want to.
- You men just passing through?|- I was just enjoying that lovely dish there.
Captain, you are speaking about|a lieutenant in the United States Army.
I'm Colonel Blake.
Oh, Colonel.|I'm Duke Forrest, your new cutter.
- That's my driver over here.|- Captain Hawkeye Pierce.
- Are you leaving?|- Yes.
- Good afternoon, Lieutenant Dish.|- Captain Hawkeye.
Captain Hawkeye Pierce, I had a TWX about|you. Seems you stole a jeep at headquarters.
No, no, sir. No, I didn't steal a jeep.|No, it's right outside.
Oh, so it is.
Captain, when you report to your new duty|station, you go to your commanding officer.
Captain... Pierce, is it?
- Captain Pierce and me have been boozing...|- Good. Been working close to the front.
We have slack periods, but when the action|starts you'll get more work in 12 hours...
- How many nurses on the base, sir?|- 17.
- How many on my...|- Four.
- ..than a civilian surgeon in a month.|- I'd like her as my nurse.
- it could be arranged.|- And the young girl, the blonde.
Father Mulcahy. I'd like you to meet|Captain Pierce, our new surgeon.
This is the Catholic chaplain.|Here's Captain Forrest.
- Dago Red.|- Dago Red!
- Captain Waldowski, our dental officer.|- Known as Painless Pole.
- Captain Black, our anesthesiologists.|- I'm the dentist.
- John Black. I'll be passing gas for you.|- Duke? Welcome.
- Captain Bandini here.|- Thank you. How are you?
- If you boys have any problems, my tent...|- Bandini here. Duke, glad to meet you.
I was saying if you have any problems,|my tent is...
- Radar! Oh.|- I'm Corporal O'Reilly. They call me Radar.
- You'll stay in Major Burns' tent.|- Take them to Major Burns' tent.
And I'll change the numbers on the jeep.
Oh, and change the numbers on that jeep.
Corporal O'Reilly, you're not billeting these|enlisted men in the officers' area, are you?
Oh, excuse me.
I'm working for my blind brother|who can't afford the trip to Korea.
- Unhand me, sir.|- Hey, Duke Forrest.
Now, that one's mine.
- Hi, fellas.|- Who? That one?
- Yeah.|- Who told you that?
- How do you know that?|- "Though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: for thoo art with me."
Thou. Thou art with me.
- Jesus Christ.|- What's that about?
That's Major Burns, sir. Excuse me.
- New personnel, Major.|- Good.
- Hiya. Hawkeye Pierce.|- How do you do?
- Duke Forrest.|- Frank Burns.
- How are you?|- Go ahead, Ho-Jon.
"My cup runneth over."
"Surely goodness and mercy
- shall follow..."|- What's this here?
Ho-Jon, one of our mess-hall boys.|I'm teaching him how to read.
Is that right?|Reading the Bible, huh? That's nice.
Listen, I got a book here|that's got a lot of pictures in it.
I think it's easier to learn how to read|when you look at pictures. A little adventure.
- May I leave now, Major?|- Sure, Ho-Jon.
You have fun.
There it is. Suture, Mary.
- What sutures are these?|- I can't see what the hell I'm doing.
- Scorch, I need some more sponge clamps.|- OK. Just a minute, Les.
Give me some big hunks of sponge,|for cryin' out loud.
- Also some big sponges. Use these.|- That's bleedin'. That's gotta come out.
I can't stop that bleedin' down there.
- What's so funny?|- Nothing, sir. Not a thing.
- Is that true what I hear about you?|- Duke, back to the kidney. Come on.
- Oh, yeah.|- He's cute.
Give me a clamp. Give me a clamp.
- Here we go.|- Captain Pierce, did you call me?
No, and my name's Hawkeye.|Give me the saw.
I can't really see.|It's like the Mississippi River down there.
Doesn't feel like it's in one piece.|I think it's gotta come out.
Get in. Get in there.
And give me some more|of that gauze wrapped up there.
- Ready?|- I'm ready.
Nurse, you got a clamp, please?
Scratch my nose. Just on the tip.
There. A little harder, please.
Attention. Attention.
All noncommissioned... Attention. Attention.
All noncommissioned officers|will report for short-arm inspection at0400.
That is all.
- What's that?|- That's a martini, Frank.
Finest kind. We're trainin' Ho-Jon to be|a bartender. Would you care to imbibe, sir?
I don't drink.
Jesus Christ, I think he means it.
- I think we've been had, Hawkeye.|- I think you're right.
I don't think it's right to involve a boy|who's not 17 years old yet.
- You go to sleep now?|- Yeah.
- I go wash clothes.|- OK.
You make a mean martini there, Ho-Jon.|You keep it up, you hear?
Our Father, who art in heaven,|hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done,|on earth as it is in heaven.
- You ever catch this syndrome before, babe?|- Not with anyone beyond the age of eight.
And lead us not into temptation,|but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom and the power|and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen.
- Amen.|- Amen.
God, protect our men on the field of battle,|that they may return home to their dear ones.
And, dear God, protect|our supreme commander on the field
and our commander in chief|in Washington DC.
Frank, were you on this religious kick|at home or did you crack up over here?
Frank, how long does this show go on?
It gets longer all the time. Now I have|your soul to pray for and Captain Pierce's.
{y:i}Onward, Christian soldiers
{y:i}Marching as to war
{y:i}With the cross of Jesus
{y:i}Going on before
{y:i}Christ, our royal master
{y:i}Leads against the foe
{y:i}Forward into battle
{y:i}See his banners go
{y:i}Onward, Christian soldiers
{y:i}Marching as to war
{y:i}With the cross of Jesus
{y:i}Going on before
- Yeah?|- What's the line-up?
Four waiting for surgery, two for the IV|and two for the antibiotics to take over.
We can probably handle that|if there's no more choppers. Pickup.
Scissors.
- You can't go in the colonel's office.|- That's who we're lookin' for.
Henry, you gotta do something.|We have stuck it out for a week. Pretty girl.
Yeah, she kinda grows on you.
- What is it, men?|- That sky pilot. Get him out of our tent.
- Your tent?|- Yeah. Get that nurse in there.
She won't keep us awake all night praying.
I've been here a long time. I know what you're|trying to pull, but you won't push me around.
Not for the world would I push you around,|but, look, there is one more thing.
- We need a chest cutter.|- We need a good one, or there'll be trouble.
No MASH unit has a chest surgeon.|We won't get one.
Sir, they're behind in the OR|and the pre-op ward is jammed up.
The helicopters and ambulances|are coming in full.
You have to work early today.
And add overtime to a 12-hour day?|The union'll raise Cain with you.
With those hours, you need rest.|You can't get it with Burns jabbering to God.
Burns will go in 24 hours.
Tell them Captain Pierce|and Captain Forrestare on the way.
- Henry, there's one more thing.|- I told you Major Burns will go in 24 hours.
- The chest cutter.|- No.
I'll try. You can't ask more than that.
My operation was fine.|It's the head wound that did him in.
Dish, get over here and hold this retractor.
Dish, let me have a long needle holder.
Dago!
Amen.
- Pull it back, Duke.|- Hell, I can't.
- Get hold of the other one.|- Dago, I want you to hold this retractor. Now.
- Please, come on. Now.|- Yes. I'm sorry.
- Hi, Dago.|- Hold on. Don't wiggle it. Just hold on.
Clamp.
Sorry, Dago, but this man's still alive and that other man is dead, and that's a fact.
Can you hold it with two fingers, Dago?|Hell, did you see it?
- Where's Hawkeye?|- You mean Captain Pierce?
- No, I'd have to look at the duty roster.|- They're in there.
- Oh, man.|- Hawkeye, you gotta remember, I'm married.
I'm married. I love my wife.|If she was here, I would be with her.
There is no question of loving anybody.|It is a question only of helping...
You see, I made a vow to myself
that while I was gone|I was gonna be faithful to my husband.
Those are vows you make|when you're with somebody.
Hawkeye?
- Ho-Jon?|- Duke say you better haul ass home quick.
- We got new chest cutter in our tent.|- OK.
This is Radio Tokyo bringing you|musical interlude for your enjoyment.
- That's him.|- Hiya. I'm Hawkeye Pierce.
Yeah. See? All I can get out of him|is he's from "Bahston"
and he's been in the army two months.
- Oh, yeah?|- Yeah. And that's all.
Well, listen... where were you|when you were drafted?
I was just curious.
Back home. I told you before.
No, I mean, what were you doin'? Were you|like a resident or on staff some place?
Where?
Hospital.
Which hospital?
Back home.
Some reason|I shouldn't know which hospital?
I don't know. I will ask.
Is there some reason my friend|should not know the name of the hospital?
There doesn't appear to be any reason.|I've seen you somewhere before.
I don't know your name, stranger,|but your face is familiar.
Have you always had that moustache?
Are you a beer drinker,|or would you like to share a martini?
- Martini. That would be... I'd love a martini.|- Ho-Jon, give the gentleman a martini.
I think you will find these accommodating.|They're quite dry.
- Don't you use olives?|- Olives? Where the hell d'you think you are?
We do have to make concessions to the war.|We're three miles from the front line.
Yes, but a man can't really savour his martini|without an olive, you know.
Otherwise, you see, it just...
doesn't quite make it.
Attention. The Evangelical United|Brethren Church has donated34 hymnals
to the 4077th MASH unit.
These hymnals are located in the camp library|and maybe checked out by those with cards.
That is all.
Listen, am I gonna get paid|for giving you guys lessons? Rib cutter.
Small bones, huh?
- I need a retractor also, nurse.|- Let's get her, baby.
What do you think? Can I tie this for you?
- You need some suction?|- Yeah, that's fine.
Pickups for me, please.
- How's he doing, John?|- He's doing well.
- A suture.|- Looks like that's it. Looks like that's it.
What did you do with our thread?|We're all out.
- More thread and larger needles.|- Let me?
- Let me have another suture.|- You surgeons are all alike.
If this guy knew the clowns|who are operating on him, he'd faint.
- I think he has!|- Nurse, I need a suture.
- Coming.|- Keep ahead of him, babe.
- We need a couple more stitches in there.|- That's fine, yeah. Thank you.
It's a good thing you have a nice body, nurse,|or we'd get rid of you.
- Don't stick me.|- Keep it clean.
I can tie that for you.
Let's have the big stitches|for holding up the chest.
- Larger needles, Knocko.|- Now sutures.
Start wrapping up. I could use another one.
Anybody know if he's an officer|or an enlisted man?
- He's an enlisted man.|- Make the stitches big.
Attention. Captain Bandi... Captain Bandini...
Attention. Attention. Captain Bandini|is now performing a palmaralpop...
poplit, a pop...
A palmaralP-O-P-L-l-T-E-R-A-L|artery explor... exploration,
and possible graft.
The following memo has just come through.
Please remove all pictures, postcards,|nude calendars, et cetera from the walls
so that our rooms maylook|clean and orderly. That is all.
It's you! Did I tell you how Androscoggin|College beat Dartmouth in a blizzard 6-0
- cos I intercepted a pass?|- Yeah.
They had this great passer,|and we held 'em 0-0 till the last 20 seconds.
And then snow and all he let one go,|and it went sailing, boom!
Lucky your mouth wasn't open|or it would've got stuck in your throat.
- How is Trapper John?|- I thought you'd never remember!
John McIntyre, Trapper John.
Only man ever found fulfillment in|a Boston Maine Railway in the ladies' can.
Conductor opened the door, the girl|looked out and yelled "He trapped me!"
- How are ya?|- I'm great. What's goin' on over there?
Well, well, well. Must be|Painless Polish Day in the shower tent.
Painless Polish Day?
- Walt Waldowski, the dentist.|- Those guys waiting to scrub his back?
No. He's what you might call|the best-equipped dentist in the army.
You may call it that.
Once in med school, I did an autopsy|on a guy. He would have been drowned.
- You an authority on that?|- I heard that one.
Extraordinary. A friend had a...
Boy, man, I'd surely love to see that angry!
Nurse!
Boone, get me a cc of adrenaline|and a cardiac needle.
- I'm sorry. A c...?|- Just get it!
Pinch a bit?
And you can cut me about a four-inch piece|of wire and about an inch and a half of tape.
- Hi.|- Who is it?
It's Trapper. Let's get some of this stuff off.
You idiot! I said a cardiac needle.
- You want me to get a nurse?|- It's too late, Boone. You killed him.
At ease. This is Major O'Houlihan,|our new chief nurse.
This is where we do the dirty work.
- Captain Murrhardt.|- Sponge.
- Hi.|- Hi, Captain.
Dennis. Don't you remember?|I helped carry your luggage from the airfield.
- Oh, yes. Hello, Dennis.|- Hi.
- This is Captain Black.|- Hello, Captain Black.
- Hi, I'm Ugly John, your gas passer.|- Oh... Ugly John.
Oh, it's only you, Judson. Captain Sacks.
- Captain Sacks. How's the operation going?|- Are you kiddin'?
Scissors.
- Oh, and this is Captain Knocko McCarthy.|- Major! Oh, right!
Now I'll show you the rest of the operation,|if you'll excuse the pun.
This is the pre-op ward.
I'll take these things -|this is the post-op ward - if you don't mind.
Oh, Vollmer, take care of these, will you?
- Finished work for the day?|- Yes. Why?
Good. Good. I just wanted to make sure|you had time to sleep this off.
- Son of a bitch!|- Trapper! Captain McIntyre! What the hell...?
- That's a captain?|- What's going on? Who started this?
I hit him! He's an ignoramus,|that knucklehead!
He wouldn't have touched me|if I'd had my guard up.
Let us settle this, Colonel,|between ourselves. Alone!
Think this is an English boarding school?
McIntyre, you're under arrest.|Confine yourself to quarters.
- Henry, are you kidding?|- I deeply regret this unfortunate incident.
We try to remember we're a military organization.
I should certainly hope so.
Vollmer, that man is under arrest.|Confine him to his quarters.
- Captain McIntyre, you are officially...|- Come on. Cut it out, Vollmer.
Attention, camp compound. Urine specimens|will be required from all pers...
Disregard last transmission.
- Sorry, Colonel.|- What the hell's the matter with you?
- Want some coffee?|- Please.
- Ho-Jon, some coffee.|- What's wrong with you?
I don't know. I must have lost my punch.|I never expected the son of a bitch to get up!
- That's no kind of an answer.|- You know why he did it.
I can't have my junior officers|striking each other.
Dammit, Henry. Frank Burns is a menace!
Every time a patient croaks on him he says|it's God's will or somebody else's fault.
This time he blamed it on some kid|who was stupid enough to believe him.
I'm tired of you trying to run this outfit.|There's going to be disciplinary action.
- What are you gonna do, Henry?|- I'd planned to name Trapper chief surgeon
- to consult on your shift and Frank's.|- That's damn good thinking.
But now I can't do it for at least a week.
lf I announced it now after what our new|chief nurse saw, she'd yell to Washington.
Don't you have any sugar in this place?
Good morning. Today's musical|selections will be rendered by
Achi Takamura Seamuchiwa Bobcats.
Colonel Blake, General Hammond did not|answer the phone. He was at a football game.
- Those generals have all the fun!|- Yes, sir.
Attention. Attention.|May I have the camp's attention?
This week's movie will be|"When Willie Comes Marching Home".
The biggest parade|of laughs of World War II.
All the loves, laughs and escapades|of the Willies who came marching home.
This film stars Dan Dailey,|Corinne Calvetand Colleen Townsend.
Captain Pierce, may I join you?
You've already joined me, gorgeous.|You're a sight for sore eyes.
Where do you come from?
Well, I like to think of the army as my home.
Oh, yeah? Yeah?
Ho-Jon, bring me some ketchup.
- I've been observing the nurses on your shift.|- I know.
Naturally, your own opinion|is more informed than mine.
You want to know what I think|of the nurses on my team. I'll tell you.
I think they're fine, just great.|I'm totally satisfied with them.
- Oh, no, that's the second time this week.|- Of course, what do you expect?
Welcome, gentlemen.
{y:i}When the lights go on again
{y:i}All over the world
You got enough room?
- Is he all right, Hawkeye?|- Is he all right, Dago?
Yes, you mean is he gonna live?
He'll live.
I hope somebody's gonna be around|tomorrow morning when he wakes up
to tell him that he hasn't got|anything between his legs any more.
Syngman Rhee paid the light bill.
- Major Burns is far from satisfied.|- That doesn't surprise me.
Frank Burns does not know|his way around an operating theatre.
He does not know his way around a body.
And if you'll have observed anything, you'll|have observed that Frank Burns is an idiot.
He has flipped his wig, he is out|of his head, he's a lousy surgeon.
On the contrary, I have observed that Major|Burns is not only a good technical surgeon,
- he is a good military surgeon.|- You finished?
I have also noticed that nurses as well as|enlisted men address you as "Hawkeye".
Because that's my name. Hawkeye.
That kind of informality is|inconsistent with maximum efficiency.
Oh, come off it, Major!
You've put me off my fried lobster.|Do you realize that?
I'm gonna go back to my bed, I'm gonna|put away the best part of a bottle of Scotch
and under normal circumstances,|you being normally what I'd call attractive,
I would have invited you back to share my|little bed with me and you might have come.
But you really put me off. I mean,|you're what we call a regular army clown.
I wonder how such a degenerate
could have reached a position|of responsibility in the army.
He was drafted.
- Radar!|- Your briefcase, sir.
- You're going to see Hammond.|- I'm spending the day with Hammond.
- Major Burns is in charge.|- Major Burns is in charge.
- Good luck.|- See you in the morning.
- Any last-minute instructions for the men?|- Radar has all the information.
But who's gonna be on CQ tonight?
Wait a minute. What about the...?
- Oh, Captain.|- Yes, sir.
I have some shirts with the buttons missing.|Ask Satsumi to sew them on, please.
- I'd be glad to do them.|- You don't have to.
- It's nothing. Nice jacket. Is it new?|- Oh, yeah. My... it was sent to me.
- You don't have to do that.|- Take care.
{y:i}Hail to the chief,|{y:i}he's the best of all the surgeons
{y:i}He needs a queen to satisfy his urgin's
{y:i}Hail to the chief,|{y:i}he's the best of all the trappers
{y:i}He needs a queen to sit upon his lappers
{y:i}Hail to the chief,|{y:i}he's the best of all the cutters
{y:i}He needs a queen|{y:i}with a bigger pair of udders
{y:i}Hail to the chief...
Blake's gone out of his mind.|Is that gonna go on all night?
{y:i}He took his orders|{y:i}and shoved them up his rectum
No, no. No food. No food.
- Sex. I want sex. Bring me some sex.|- Scorch, come forth.
- No, no, bring me that one.|- He's chosen you!
That one. The sultry bitch with|the fire in her eyes. Take her clothes off.
I want that one! Yes! Yes!
Take her clothes off and bring her|to me now! I want her now!
Doctor! Doctor!|You forgot your shingle, Doctor.
This letter
has been written
in the interest
of...
Army morale.
Good. Army morale.
Wait a second.|Radar's gonna sing us our verse.
"This letter has been written|in the interest of army morale."
"We feel it is our duty to bring this|unwholesome situation to your attention."
"We write this jointly to assure you no one's|personal feeling has influenced this report."
"Respectfully,|Margaret J Houlihan, Major Burns."
- That's perfect.|- I think it's a marvellous letter.
- We make a good team, don't we?|- We think the same way.
Of course we do.
It's almost suppertime.
- You're not hungry, are you?|- Ravenous. How about you?
For you, Margaret.
Now, the sooner this reaches him, the sooner|we can turn this into a tight military outfit.
Attention, camp compound. Corporal Judson|has informed the colonel's office
that three cases of amphetamine sulphate|are unaccounted for again.
This is the third occurrence|of this type in the last month.
It must stop, by order of|Colonel Blake's office, 4077th MASH unit.
I only wish I could|deliver that letter personally.
- Good night, Frank.|- Good night, Margaret.
- I'll stop by later on to see if you're all right.|- That won't be necessary.
No, I don't mind.
I'll leave the door unlocked.
Attention. Captain McIntyre will give|a lecture on blood and fluid replacement
in the mess hallat0800... Correction.|At021... At nine o'clock this evening.
Take your hat off, Radar.
You're before the king... queen.
Don't get nervous, Radar.
{y:i}Long live the chief,|{y:i}the colonel... the colonel
{y:i}Long live the chief,|{y:i}the colonel did elect him...
You all right?
Fine.
Godless buffoons, all of them.
It's the disrespect for you, Frank.|That... that's what I can't forgive.
I'm used to it.
- Liquorice?|- No, thank you.
What makes me sore|is how they behave towards you.
They ought a be grateful to have you.
I certainly am.
I'm grateful to have you, Frank.
We've grown very close in a short time.
it isn't just chance.
I'm sure of that.
God meant us to find each other.
- His will be done!|- Darling!
Oh, Frank! Oh, Frank!
I'll help you. Oh, yes.
Oh! Wait, wait. Get my robe.
Get my zipper. My zipper.
Oh, God!
Get the searchlight on.
Put the light out before it opens.
Hi. What's going on? May I join you?
A little radio show from home.
Oh, yes. Oh, Frank.
- Oh, Frank. Oh, yes.|- Is this the Bickersons? I love them.
- Who?|- The Battling Bickersons. I love it.
Oh, Frank.
Hard. Oh, Frank.
Harder, harder.
No, l... I forgot. l...
- You're shining that thing in my eyes.|- Oh, I'm sorry.
Darling...
Oh, he is such a sweet man.
Oh, Frank! Oh, Frank, my lips are hot.
Oh! Kiss my hot lips!
- Yes, they are hot.|- Lips? Hot... hot lips?
We have got to share this|with the rest of the camp.
- Switch it over.|- OK.
Oh, Frank. Yes!
- Darling...|- Oh, oh, Frank.
Oh, Frank, strangle me hard.
- Frank! Oh!|- What the hell is that?
Oh! Oh, yes. Oh!
Dr Frank Burns is doing|a bit of dilatation and curettage.
- Sounds like the major's having a dream.|- She's plugged in.
Oh, Major.
Oh, Frank.
Frank. Wait a second.
- What is it?|- Turn the light off!
No! Let go! Turn the light off!
Get your clothes on! Get your pants on!
Don't shout at me.
Don't shove me.
Too bad Henry wasn't here. He'd have|thought it was a real radio programme.
I thought it was a radio programme.
We should send a letter of commendation|to the Armed Forces Radio Network.
Ah, wonderful. Yes. It was the most|uplifting programme I have ever heard.
It was climactic.
Morning, ladies.
Well, hiya, Hot Lips.
Oh. Oh, my goodness, over my...|I'm so sorry to touch you, but l...
- What's up with her today?|- I think it's one of those ladies' things.
- It's not like her to act like this.|- She's made a...
Bitch. Look at my new flannel sweater.
- She's gonna have a nervous breakdown.|- She can't even get outta the door.
Morning, Frank.
Heard from your wife?
- Colonel, you forgot your briefcase.|- I left it in the jeep.
- You left it there.|- Oh, yes. I forgot it.
Morning, Captain. I hope|you didn't have to... Take care of this.
I hope you didn't have to bother|with those shirts. It wasn't necessary.
- Too late, sir. It's a done thing.|- Well, thank you. Morning, Padre.
You know, I really got...
- Colonel, sir. How was your visit, sir?|- Great. The general wasn't there.
Listen, about last night, sir,|there was nothing I could do about it, sir.
- Nothing?|- Nothing.
- Well, it couldn't have been helped.|- Thank you, sir.
Oh, what's that?
Frank Burns and Hawkeye Pierce.|Very encouraging.
A bunch of the boys asked me to ask you|what Hot Lips was like in the sack. Was she...
- Mind your own business.|- No, Frank. Is she better than self-abuse?
What's that all about?|He gonna get some pointers or somethin'?
No, Hawkeye's gonna sign him up to make|a personal appearance tour in all the camps.
Is that a fact?
Can you make out what they're saying?
Does that big ass of hers move around a lot,|Frank, or does it sort of lie there flaccid?
Hawkeye's questioning|the major on a point of anatomy.
Very professional.
Would you say that|she was a moaner, Frank?
- What is Burns saying?|- Major Burns isn't saying much of anything.
He's formulating the answer.
Seriously, Frank. Does she go...
Or does she lie there quiet|and not do anything at all?
- Keep your filthy mouth to yourself.|- Or does she go...
Get him off me!
- Get him off me!|- Frank, is that lesson one?
Frank Burns has gone nuts!
I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!
Watch out for your goodies. He's a sex|maniac. I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him.
Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye.
{y:i}The time has come for us
{y:i}To say sayonara
{y:i}My heart will always
{y:i}Be yours for eternity
{y:i}I knew sometime|{y:i}we'd have to say sayonara...
Colonel, fair's fair. If I nail Hot Lips|and punch Hawkeye, can I go home?
{y:i}I'll remember our romance
{y:i}Until the day that I die
{y:i}I'll see your face
{y:i}in the moon and stars in the sky
- Hawkeye!|- Be there in a minute.
- Hawkeye!|- Oh, shit.
OK. Seidman, get another guy. We gotta take|this into the OR just on the stretcher.
Hold on, you're gonna be just fine, fella.
OK. I can't move my hand. Come on.
Have you got the cutdowns?
You're gonna go to sleep. You'll be fine.
- Hot Lips, let me have a sterile knife.|- I'm gonna need two vascular clamps
and an arterial suture.
As soon as you give me the clamp I want you|to gown and glove me. All right? Ready?
OK. Here we go. It's gonna spurt a bit. OK.
- You got it?|- Ah, yeah, you baby.
- Clamp.|- Yeah.
OK, gown.
- Gloves. You got an arterial suture ready?|- Yeah.
OK. Ugly, move out of the way|cos I'm working over there.
Baby, we're gonna see some stitching|like you never saw before!
Attention. Attention.|This is ColonelBlake's office.
The American Medical Association has|just declared marijuana a dangerous drug.
Despite earlier claims by physicians|that it is no more harmful than alcohol,
this is now found to be the case. That is all.
When did you get them? Let me try it on you.
- Yeah?|- Yeah.
Hey, Dago Reddo! Hi.|You're just in time for cocktails.
- Come on in.|- No, thank you. I can't, really.
- Hawkeye. Hawkeye.|- OK, Red.
- Could I speak to you?|- Yeah, sure.
No, outside.
- What?|- I have to talk to you outside.
Hiya, Pup-Pup.
- Sorry to drag you away from the gang, but...|- What?
This'll only take a moment.|There's a problem with Walt Waldowski.
Painless? You got a toothache? He's good.
No, no, it's not my problem.|See, it's his problem.
- What do you mean? What is it?|- Well, what is it... That's...
It's difficult to talk about, you see, because|I learned about his problem in confession.
- Oh, and you can't...|- I can't divulge.
Can you give me a hint?
- Just an idea?|- Well, no.
But I can tell you how serious it is.
He and the boys were playing poker
and one of the boys turned to him and|asked him for a ruling on one of the hands.
And Walt said, he said|"What does it matter? It's only a game."
Painless said "What does it matter?|It's only a game"? Poker, only a game?
Yeah.
- Yeah, that's what I thought.|- I guess I better go see a man about a tooth.
Thank you.
- See, I didn't know what to... do.|- Pup-Pup.
You see, there are some...
There are some things that absolution just...
Well...
Seven, eight, jack. Three on a low.
Four, three... Hawkeye, there's|an empty chair here looking for a player.
Baby, I've got a toothache|like you can't believe.
Why do you bring that dog in here?|Last time you did I lost $30.
Why do you have to sit behind me?|It makes me nervous.
- It brings me a lot of luck. Sit there, Boone.|- Come on. Let's play, men. Deuce. Ace.
- Can I take some Scotch?|- Sure.
- You want some?|- No.
- How you feelin'?|- No, don't touch me.
Look, if a...
lf a man isn't a man any more,
what's he got left|that he should be living for?
OK, tell me about it. What's the story?
Well, you know that little nurse that was|through here last night with the 325th?
- The little one with the big... boobs.|- Yeah, I know. Yeah.
Well, anyway, l...
I wasn't gonna fool around out here|because I got these...
I got these three girls|that I'm engaged to back home.
And you wanted to be faithful.|Baby, you are 7,000 miles from home.
Well, anyway, I took her out last night|and l... I failed.
- You mean she wouldn't put out?|- She wanted to, but it was me. I couldn't...
- Oh, you couldn't... It wouldn't...|- Yeah, nothing happened. Not at all.
That happens to everybody.|It's happened to me four or five times...
Yeah, well, it's never happened to me before.
Come on. You're the best-equipped|dentist in the army.
- You're the dental Don Juan of Detroit.|- That's just a cover-up.
- What's a cover-up?|- Don Juanism.
- I've been reading about it. It's a cover-up.|- It's a cover-up for what?
Well...
I'm a fairy.
A victim of latent homosexuality.
I've turned into a fairy.
- Have you... have you done anything?|- No, but it's only a matter of time.
I just can't face it.
Look, Hawkeye, suppose that|you found out that you were one, huh?
- One...?|- Yeah. You wouldn't like telling your wife.
- No, I can see that that would be a problem.|- I got the same problem, only multiplied.
Well, you know, Man o' War,
after they retired him from racing,|they put him out to stud.
And he had an average of about 120,
130 foals every year.
And he lived to be 36.
And then when he died they did an autopsy|and found out that he was a raving queen.
No, that's a little-known fact, but it's the truth.
- Painless has a couple of years left in him.|- Maybe more. He hasn't started raving yet.
Painless is a dentist, and a dentist|shouldn't read. That's his problem.
His problem is that he believes it.|He is convinced.
It's an obsession and it is a vital force.
- Here he comes! The jawbreaker.|- He's not gonna break anything.
Just act natural.
All right, Painless? How's she goin'?
Something in a marshmallow?
No, it's OK, fellas. I know|you've been talking about me, and...
Well, I came over to tell you that I've decided|that I'm... going to commit suicide.
Well, if you're really gonna|go ahead and do it,
do you think you could|leave me your record player?
- Oh, sure.|- Thank you.
Gonna miss you, Painless. How do you|plan to do it? A .45 between the eyes?
- That's awful sloppy.|- It's reliable though.
Well, that's another thing I wanted to ask you.
I'm sort of new at this game and...
Do you have any particular|method you'd recommend?
I don't know. I think my colleagues and I|could come up with something
- to relinquish the vital forces of their...|- Black capsule.
- Black capsule.|- Of course. That's neat.
What's a black capsule?|You have any? Does it work?
It worked for Hitler and Eva Braun.|It should work for you.
Hawkeye, I really must... I should|check with the military vicar's office.
I cannot give absolution to a man who is|about to commit suicide. It's a mortal sin.
Look, Dago, he is not|committing suicide, only intending to.
So you're not dealing with an act,|but with an intention.
lf it works, he will not commit suicide, so|therefore you're preventing a mortal sin. OK?
Well, I should check.
- Well, you check on it.|- Well, there's...
All right, where you at?
There you go.
Now, then, you've all come here|to say your final farewell to ol' Walt here.
- Farewell, Walt.|- Dear ol' Walt.
You know, I got an idea that maybe|it's not such a final farewell after all.
I think maybe ol' Walt's goin' on into the|unknown to do a little recon work for us all.
- Huh?|- I just wanna say one thing.
Nobody ordered Walt to go on this mission.|He volunteered for certain death.
- That's true.|- It's what we award our highest medals for.
- That's beautiful.|- That's what being a soldier is all about.
- Oh, yeah. Hear! Hear!|- Yes. Yes.
Gentlemen, I think there's only one person|who has anything to add to that.
- And that's Dago Red.|- Oh, the padre. Let's hear it for the padre.
Walt, here's... here's your black capsule.
Look, this thing works pretty fast, doesn't it?
I think I better go lie down over there.
Walt, that'll help you.
{y:i}Through early morning fog I see
{y:i}Visions of the things to be
{y:i}The pains that are withheld for me
{y:i}I realize
{y:i}And I can see
{y:i}That suicide is painless
{y:i}It brings on many changes
{y:i}And I can take or leave it if I please
{y:i}The game of life is hard to play
{y:i}I'm going to lose it anyway
{y:i}The losing card I'll someday lay
{y:i}So this is all I have to say
{y:i}- That suicide is painless|{y:i}- Wherever you go, take this. Good luck.
{y:i}-It brings on many changes|{y:i}- It's out there.
{y:i}-And I can take or leave it if I please|{y:i}- I'll always remember you just like this.
{y:i}The only way to win is cheat
{y:i}And lay it down before I'm beat
{y:i}And to another give my seat
{y:i}For that's the only painless feat
Painless.
{y:i}Suicide is painless
{y:i}- It brings on many changes|{y:i}- Nice party. Thanks for asking me.
{y:i}- And I can take or leave it if I please|{y:i}- Thing is...
you're throwing your whole education away.
{y:i}- And you can do|{y:i}- Good night, Jawbreaker.
{y:i}The same thing
{y:i}If you please
Hi, baby.
- Hi.|- I'm glad you could come.
Sorry it was so late.
That's OK. I really couldn't|sleep anyway. I'm so nervous.
You leavin' tomorrow?
Yeah. I'll be on my way in less than 12 hours.
I suppose who it's going to be really|roughest on though is your husband.
Why are you all of a sudden|so concerned with him?
A man would be more considerate to his wife.|He wouldn't go home a nervous wreck.
- Stop using logic cos you're just proving...|- It could be an impersonal thing.
..why I shouldn't go to bed with you.
I didn't mean me.
You have the rare privilege that happens|to chief executives of states or nations.
You have the privilege|of restoring a human being's life
by a tender act of mercy.
What is this? Oh, Hawkeye, is he dead?
No, no.
He's not dead. Not yet.
Painless has a psychological problem,|and you're the only person who can help him.
Oh, no, Hawkeye. Oh, no. Come on.
No, Maria. You've gotta look on this as a|nurse. Painless needs it for therapeutic value.
It will help him, and it wouldn't do you|any harm either to think about it for a bit.
If you think that your virtue is more important|than Painless's life, that's fine.
I just want you to stay here|and be with him for a minute.
Just look at him.
- Just stay close to the whole man...|- Oh, Hawkeye!
and look at him.
Hawkeye!
Oh, this is ridiculous.
You forgot your hat! You wouldn't|wanna leave without a souvenir.
Have a good trip.
Lieutenant Schneider,|you forgot your travelling orders. Wait.
You're supposed to pick...|These are your travelling orders.
- Morning, Painless.|- Oh, hi, Hawkeye.
How's she goin'?
Slept like a doll last night.
Well, can't waste time. Big day.|Got two jaws to rebuild. Come on, Seidman.
Have a good day.
Attention. Attention.
Religious services for Yom Kippur|will be held... will not be held this Friday,
due to mitigating circumstances.
For those who wish to observe said holiday,|Sunday has been reserved. That is all.
Trapper, this one's for you, babe.
- That man is a prisoner of war, Doctor.|- So are you, but you don't know it.
- It's in pretty deep.|- I think that was my finger.
I need your help, Hawkeye.|It's hit more than a lung.
- What do you think?|- I don't know.
- Hey, Radar.|- Yes.
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