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Mallrats CD1

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[ Man ] One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass.
True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news.
It was embarrassing for my relatives and all, but the next week, he did it again.
Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room.
So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat.
And I says to him, "Jesus, Walt! What are you doing?
You know you're gonna get this cat stuck in your ass too. Why don't you knock it off?"
And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?"
My cousin was a weird guy.
##
# A skeleton in a suit and tie #
# Tells us what we oughta buy #
# Bag his Coke and move to your heart #
# Support your conscience That's a start #
# Here we are again some afternoon #
# More parties than you can choose #
# You were born into a social class #
# Stuck there and it's hard to pass it #
# Social norms and social rules #
# With social skills With social tools #
# They tell us all better socialize #
# lgnoring all our social drives #
# We lose again before we start Watch us dance as we fall apart #
# We'd better teach ourselves Never be social #
# We don't play the game Never be social #
# Whoa, whoa #
One, two, three, four!
# There's social norms and social rules #
# With social skills With social tools #
# They tell us all better socialize #
# lgnoring all our social drives #
# We lose again before we start They watch us dance as we fall apart #
# Let's be ourselves Never be social #
# We don't play the game Never be social #
# Whoa, whoa-oh-oh ##
- [ Tires Skidding ] - [ Car Door Opening ]
[ Humming ] Brandi Svening, come on down. I'm takin' your ass to Florida.
Let's go, let's go. Where's your luggage? The plane leaves in an hour.
[ Sighs ] T.S., did you see Julie Dwyer last night?
[ Groans ] Yeah, yeah, I saw her at the video store.
She was talking about being on your dad's stupid game show. He's not here, is he?
Yeah, he's inside. T.S.
Did you tell her every time you're on TV you look ten pounds heavier?
[ Chuckles Uneasily ] Uh, well, yeah.
I told her that the way TV shows are shot sometimes make you look a lot fatter than you are.
Why, what'd she do? Call up and cancel?
No, not exactly.
T.S., you know Julie had a huge weight problem in school. She had the fattest ass.
When you said that to her, she went straight up to the Y.M.C.A. and started doing laps...
because she wanted to be fit for the show tonight...
and... well...
in the middle of her 700th lap...
this embolism popped in her brain...
and she dropped dead, right in mid-backstroke.
She's fucking dead?
Then her sister told her parents why she was doing all the laps...
and it got back to my father, and, and--
Shit, T.S., he's really pissed at you.
I mean, it's awful about Julie's death, and...
now he doesn't even have a female contestant for his show.
- Can't you calm him down? - I've done that.
- Thank God! How? - I told him I'd do the show.
Good. What?
Oh, wait a minute. No, no, no. W-W-We're leaving for Florida.
-T.S., I can't go. I've gotta stay here. -No, no, no, no.
I've got something planned for Florida. No, we gotta go.
T.S., I'm doing this to get you out of trouble with my father. Help him out of a bind.
Which, you know, you kind of-- well, at least a little responsible for.
I bet he's happy as a pig in shit you're not going away with me.
Are you kidding? He's absolutely devastated about Julie.
[ Panting, Sighs ]
[ Karate Shouts ]
I can't believe you! Brandi, the guy hates me!
I bet he sees this tragedy as an excellent opportunity to keep you from going away with me.
Would you calm down? I mean, you're being a complete ass.
[ Shouting ]
Sometimes I almost forget that you're such a daddy's girl. It makes me sick.
Oh.
Well, you know what I think's sick? This relationship.
Brandi, come on. I thought we weren't going through this makeup/breakup shit anymore.
Yeah, well, you can just forget about making up.
You know, you are exactly like my father.
It's always about what you need, what you've got planned.
"Screw everybody else. My shit is more important."
You're as thoughtless and self-absorbed as he is.
In fact, the two of you have so much in common, I think you should date each other!
Brandi-- Brandi, wait!
[ Groans ]
## [ Rock ]
- Sweet fucking Christ! Would you knock it off! - God.
What?
[ Sighs ]
- What time is it? - 9:30.
Man, go back to sleep.
- [ Sighs ] Christ. - [ Game Audience Cheering ]
- What the hell are you doing? - Finishing my game.
- No, no, no. You promised me breakfast. - Breakfast?
Breakfast, schmrekfest. Look at the score.
I'm only in the middle of the second and I'm winning 12 to 2.
Breakfasts come and go, Rene.
Now, Hartford, the Whale?
Hey, they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.
Ya hit the bathroom already?
Don't worry, I didn't let your mother see me.
- Who's worried? - Are you kidding me?
I've never met a person who lives in as much fear of his mother as you do.
I do not.
That's why I have to sneak in here after every one's asleep and sneak out in the morning?
You want I should tell my mother what we do in here at night?
That you play video games and I fall asleep unfulfilled?
Go ahead. It beats this sneaking-around shit.
- What can I say? She doesn't like you. - You've never introduced me.
Yeah, 'cause you're always in the goddamn bathroom. What do you do in there?
- You really wanna know? - I asked, didn't l?
I'm playing the role of the concerned guy.
I cry.
- You cry? - I cry.
Any particular reason?
- [ Banging ] - Hey!
I think about people that make decisions that affect our lives.
The doctors who make advancements in curing diseases.
The engineer that designs skyscrapers.
- The guy that maps out a plane's flight path. - The navigator.
I think about how those people are out there every day...
making a difference, leading big lives...
and how they refuse to be intimidated by the tremendous odds of failure they face;
how they only concern themselves with peers and company that apply to their goals...
- and noble causes. - Jesus, I'd hate to tell you what I think about in the bathroom.
I think about all that, and I cry.
Because I have nothing better to do than fuck you.
[ Rock Continues ] # Seventeen, seventeen #
# Seventeen years old This can't be happening #
# Seventeen, seventeen #
You're dumping me?
Is this because I didn't introduce you to my mother?
# La, la, la, la la, la, la #
# La, la, la, la la, la, la #
# La, la, la, la la, la, la ##
You're a fickle broad, man.
Ah!
Holy shit. If it isn't mon frere.
The usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched.
You're such an anal retentive bastard.
I tried to teach you how to handle comics in the sixth grade, but oh, no...
you wanted to play Little League instead.
- What's that? - Like it? I framed it before you got here.
Oh, my God! Rene dumped you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn for Sega.
Wow, look at this laundry list of complaints.
"You have no direction; no college ambition; no job prospect."
It also says I have no dick, but you'll notice that follows the financial question...
proving once more what women really look for.
- She calls you callow. - You say that like it's bad.
Well, it means "frightened and weak-willed."
Really?
Shit. That was the only part of the letter I thought was complimentary.
Ah, well, you're lucky.
Unlike you, I didn't even get a letter with obscure adjectives.
What are you telling me here?
I, too, now am in the framing business.
- Holy shit. Brandi dumped you? - Yeah.
- Aren't you two supposed to go to Florida? - We should've left this morning.
Oh, it gets worse. I was gonna propose to her.
- Where? - On the Universal tour.
You're kidding! What part?
When Jaws pops out of the water.
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
Well, too bad I'm not trying to marry you.
Let me ask you something. Did you ever fart in front of her?
- [ Laughs ] - Why do you ask?
I never farted in front of Rene, not once.
Then last week, I let one slip. Today, she dumps me.
- [ Both Laughing ] - You think that that's why Rene dumped you?
Come on, she's not the shallow type.
- She was going down on me at the time. - Shut up!
What can I say? I was feeling very relaxed.
- When I'm relaxed... I squirt. - Ohh!
- If all she did was dump you, you got off light. - I can't believe this shit.
Why are we trying to figure out where we went wrong with our significant others?
We nailed it, in your case.
There is something out there that can help ease our simultaneous double loss.
- Ritual suicide? - No, you idiot! The fuckin' mall!
- I prefer ritual suicide. - Come on, it'll be great.
They got these new cookies at the cookie stand. They're awesome.
##
# She's forever blowing bubbles out of the way ##
I love the smell of commerce in the morning!
- Wow, you're really making that last. - Waste not, want not.
- You wanna say something? - Yeah, about a million things.
But I can't express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand 'em all.
- Asshole. - Prick!
- Fuck you. - What was that all about?
He's the jerk from Fashionable Male, this upscale, wanna-be shop on the second floor.
He's the manager. The guy's always giving me shit. I have no idea why.
- Thought everybody loved you at this mall. - "F" him.
- Where do you wanna go first? - Back to Brandi's.
Brandi is the past, my friend. She's behind you now.
You face forward, or you face the possibility of shock and damage.
- You should learn to heed your own advice. - Where did that come from?
- What's going on here? - Looks like a stage is being erected.
- What is this monstrosity? - Maybe it's for the Easter Bunny pictures.
Impossible! The Easter Bunny corner is down at the other end of the mall.
It's been up since two days after Christmas. I want answers!
- Ask one of the workers. - No. There's a soul who might know what's up.
Willam?
- Willam! - [ Gasps ] Booby-trapped!
Brodie, man, what's goin' on? You work here now?
- No, man, just hanging with T.S. - Oh, T.S.
-[ T.S. ] Willam, what exactly are you doing? -Looking for the hidden picture.
If you stare long enough, you're supposed to see some hidden...
three-dimensional picture.
- Oh, yeah, look, it's a sailboat. - You saw it too? Damn it!
- What? - I've been staring at this thing for a week now...
- and I can't see a goddamn thing! - You gotta relax your eyes.
Everyone sees this thing except me. Today's my day. I brought a lunch and a soda.
I'm not gonna leave until I see this sailboat everyone keeps talking about.
So, Willam, would you happen to know...
what this stage business is all about?
It's not a stage! I'm gonna see it if I have to go blind trying.
No, man, this stage over here.
Oh, that thing. Some game show in the mall today. I think it's gonna be on TV.
It's called Truth or Date or something.
- Oh, my God! That's Brandi's father's game show. - What is it?
It's this cheesy Dating Game rip-off thing. It's supposed to be for college kids.
Trying to capture the 90s youth market with a staple of 70s television.
Why can't they bring back or remake good shows like B.J. And The Bear?
Now, there's a concept I can't get enough of; a man and his monkey.
Would you guys shut up? You're breaking my concentration.
- Sorry, Willam. - Now I have to start all over again.
- Good luck with that thing. - Yeah, man, remember, relax your eyes.
- Wow, a sailboat. - Shut up!
[ Sighs ] Could this week get any worse?
- Now she's gonna be auctioned off on live TV from a mall. - Not a mall. The mall.
Show some respect. But it doesn't have to go down like that if we trash the thing.
There's a unique way of getting back in her good graces-- ruining her father's show.
I can get somebody to do it for us.
We'll be blame-free and Brandi won't be able to do the show.
- Who is this imaginary hatchet man? - Hatchet men.
Knock it off. Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
- Hey, Jay! - Brodie, man. Noochie-noochies.
And look at this shit. The mad, fat chick killer.
Can't believe how fast word travels in this town. What's he doing?
Shithead here watched Empire and Jedi and he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick.
Crazy fuck thinks he'll levitate shit with his thoughts. Knock it off!
- The force is strong with this one. - Don't encourage him.
I was just telling T.S. we gotta find Jay and Silent Bob.
If there's any one that can help us out, it's the two guys who have less to do than us.
What is this shit? Everyone's looking for us today.
We're duckin' Tricia 'cause she wants to talk to Obi-Wan about her video setup.
- Why him? - Silent Bob's an electrical genius.
He won the science fair in eighth grade...
by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using chicken wire and shit.
Motherfucker's like MacGyver-- No, motherfucker's better than MacGyver! Knock it off!
- It's that kind of smarts we need, right, Mopey? - Leave me out of this.
So we need you to embark on a little sabotage mission on behalf of T.S.'s love life.
[ Mumbling ]
Stage dive.
You know about this game show they got goin' on here?
We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.
- Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway. - Why?
What else we gonna do? Silent Bob stole the schematic of the stage...
from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness, just like the fuckin' Death Star.
He figures you pull this crossbeam out-- bickety-bam! The whole stage comes down.
We were thinkin' about somethin' simple, but if you wanna destroy the stage, we're all for that.
- Only problem is LaFours. - Who's LaFours?
You don't know LaFours? They don't know who LaFours is.
LaFours is only the most feared security guard in the business.
Four hundred and sixty collars, all convicted. I hear he's even got two kills.
Holy shit. I never thought I'd see the day when two such reputable mischief makers...
douse their drawers at the sight of a mall security guard.
Shit, bitch, we're gonna bust that stage like a high school kegger.
We're just gonna outwit LaFours, X-Men style.
- Should I call you "Logan," Weapon X? - No, "Wolverine"!
Snicktey-snicktey-snoime!
He's imitating Wolverine's berserker attack with his adamantium claws.
- I never would've guessed. - You have your mission. Go forth, wreak havoc.
Bye, baby kitties. Damn, Silent Bob, show some heart.
- [ Whistling ] - That's better. We're on the job.
Thanks.
I have to admit I'm shocked you didn't try to dissuade them.
[ Chuckles ] I would if I thought they could pull it off.
Oh, ye of little faith. Want a cookie?
What's he doing?
If you stare at this poster for a few seconds, a hidden picture appears.
[ Together ] Can we do it, please, please?
[ Mother ] All right, go ahead. But hurry, the Easter Bunny's waiting.
Wow, it's a schooner.
[ Chuckles ] You dumb bastard.
It's not a schooner; it's a sailboat.
A schooner is a sailboat, stupid-head.
You know what? There is no Easter Bunny!
Over there, that's just a guy in a suit!
- But they're engaged. - Doesn't matter, it can't happen.
- Why not? It's bound to come up. - It's impossible.
Lois could never have Superman's baby.
Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle his sperm?
I guarantee he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back.
What about her womb? You think it's strong enough to carry his child?
- Sure. Why not? - He's an alien, for Christ's sake!
His Kryptonian biological makeup is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun.
If Lois gets a tan, the kid could kick right through her stomach.
Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong-enough uterus to carry his kid.
Only way he could bang regular chicks is with a Kryptonite condom, but that would kill him.
How is it I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi...
to Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court?
- Cookie stand is not part of the food court. - Of course it is.
The food court is downstairs; the cookie stand is upstairs.
We're not talking quantum physics here.
The cookie stand counts as an eatery; the eatery's part of the food court.
Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the square downstairs qualify as food court.
Anything outside of said designated square...
is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking.
If you're gonna wax intellectual about the subject-- Holy shit!
- Wait here. - Where you going?
[ Sighs ] Chercher la femme.
- That would look terrible on you. - Didn't I dump your ass this morning?
Look, I know you've had some time to think about the mistake you've made...
and I just wanna let you know you don't have to apologize.
- I'm sure you were just P.M.S.ing. - What kills me about you...
is your inability to function on the same plane of existence as the rest of us.
Piss off.
Okay, okay, I see you wanna continue with this charade of ending our union.
Fine, I'll play along. If we're divorced, we're gonna have to divide our possessions.
What the hell are you talking about?
You have my Punisher War Journal number six, my copy of Fletch, and the remote to my TV.
It's gonna be hard to give this stuff up because of its sentimental attachment--
Sentimental attachment? lf I have that crap, it's 'cause you brought it over and left it.
- Let's talk about a schedule for visitation rights? - For what?
For the mall. You can have the odd days, I'll take the even days and weekends.
- When there's any special function like a sidewalk sale-- - Brodie. Brodie!
I have always taken you with a grain of salt.
Your birthday, when you asked me to do a striptease to the theme from Mighty Mouse, I said okay.
On prom night, you asked me to sleep under the bed in case your mother burst in, I did.
And even when we were at my grandmother's funeral and you told my relatives...
that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let it slide.
But if you think I'm gonna suffer any more of your shit with a smile...
you're in for some serious fucking disappointment.
What?
[ Jay ] Phase one. You take a run at LaFours with a sock full of quarters.
I'd do it, but I pulled my back out humping your mom last night.
You clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold.
That's when phase two kicks in. I attack the structure, Wolvie-berserk style...
knock out the fuckin' pin, and bickety-bam-- the motherfucker's rubble.
Hence, no game show.
[ Coins Jingling ]
Ah, fuck!
[ T.S. ] You know that kid?
- I hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues. - What is with you today?
I don't wish the kid harm, but his mother should suffer that horrific ordeal...
- so she'll learn how to manage her child! - Sort of a harsh lesson.
Man, there's not a year goes by...
that I don't read about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid...
that could've been easily avoided had some parent-- I don't care which one--
but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!
Wow, look who it is.
- Jerk. - Little Tricia Jones.
What's a pretty girl like you doing alone in the middle of this monument to consumerism?
Updating my calendar and waiting for Jay and Silent Bob.
And I suppose you're here with no agenda, as per usual.
On the contrary, I'm here for comics. T.S. Quint, Tricia Jones.
- They call her Trish the Dish. - Nobody calls me that.
Our little Tricia here is only 15, but somehow she's a senior.
- How'd you manage that? - [ Slurping ]
- Don't listen to him. I studied my ass off. - Yeah, right.
- So, what do you say? You wanna nail T.S. or what? - Jesus, Brodie!
Calm down. Tricia's compiling data for this book she's writing about the sex drive of men...
ages 14 to 30.
If I remember correctly, it's titled Bore-gasm: Study of the Nineties' Male Sexual Prowess.
Ready to get sick? Tell him about the advance you got.
Pendant Publishing gave me $20,000 based on a treatment and a sample chapter.
- You're kidding. - [ Brodie ] She'll be the youngest author to tackle the subject.
Tricia here sleeps with a bunch of guys as research.
- And if that's not enough, she videotapes all of them. - What?
I get everybody's consent before we do it.
Most guys get off on it. Men are easily amused.
Wh-What are you writing in the calendar?
- I was coding last night's research. - She means sex.
I know what she meant! What kind of codes?
Here, look. The smiley face is for when I go down on a guy.
The smiley face with lashes is for when the guy goes down on me.
The circle is when we have sex. The circle with the "X" is for when I have an orgasm.
The little house is when we do it inside, and the grass is for outside.
That kid is back on the escalator again!
How old was last night's subject, if you don't mind?
Twenty-five. It was the guy who runs that store Fashionable Male.
-Holy shit! You slept with that asshole? -I needed a 25-year-old.
- And he has quite a distaste for you, I might add. - He mentioned me during sex?
Afterwards. He says he wants to kick your ass. I'd steer clear of him if I were you.
-Tell me you videotaped him saying that. -No.
I shut the camera off after the sex. You should've heard the stuff he wanted to do.
I'm having a hard time with this. Do your parents know about this?
- Of course. - It's remarkable.
That's criminal. That kid-- that kid is back on the escalator again!
- Would you leave it alone? - What?
I heard you were going to propose to Brandi Svening in some theme park.
When are men going to learn women want romance...
not Mr. Toad's Wild Ride?
Be fair, all right? Everyone wants Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
- We gotta go. - [ Sighs ]
And remember my offer. I'm young, virile, sensitive to a woman's needs.
Somehow I doubt it, Sega boy. Good luck with the comic book store.
"Sega boy."
God, Rene's got a big mouth. What does that mean, "Good luck with the comic book store"?
How does that junior Masters and Johnson know about my proposal?
- It's not like she's in an exclusive club. - What are you talking about?
- Sean Hartle's giving everyone the inside scoop. - What's he saying?
How her father made her do the game show so you couldn't take her to Florida.
Now what the hell is this shit?
What do you gotta do to get comics around this place? One side, Red!
- Hey, what the hell's going on here? - I was warned about you.
- Take it easy before I have you removed from the mall. - What are you talking about?
- Tell him, Steve Dave! - Fuck you, fan-boy!
You two testosterone-seething, he-man comic book fans finish up with this.
- I got some questions that need answering. - Who's in there?
- You gotta ask me nicely. [ Blowing Whistle ] - Fuck you!
- Brodie, get the hell off. - Come on!
You fuckers think that 'cause a guy reads comics, he can't start some shit!
- I'll fuckin' take all you on! - [ Girl Screams ]
[ Man ] Somebody get a medic! There's a little boy caught in the escalator!
- Come back here and arrest this goon! - You're fucking next!
- I'm not going anywhere until I find out why I can't get my comics. - All right.
- Excuse me? - Don't hit me.
- Why is there a line? - Stan Lee's signing comics.
Stan Lee?
[ Jay ] Okay, lunch box, let's try this again.
We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a spitfire passing over LaFours.
You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin.
When that's gone, the stage is trashed, and we go smoke a bowl. You got it?
Now, get your fat ass up there. And, dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogins.
Fly, fatass, fly!
What the fuck!
You fucker!
[ Woman ] Security? This is Popular Girl. We had something crash through the wall.
How does something as big as the creator of the most important titles in comics history...
coming to my mall get by me?
I must be slipping in my old age. The name amongst names.
- God, there's a million questions I'd love to ask him. - Her father.
I knew this game show was just a beard for an attempt at breaking us up.
Why can't he leave us alone and let us follow through with our plans?
What kind of man are you anyway?
I'm talkin' comics, and you bring up chicks and romance.
While we're on the subject, why get married now anyway? You're in college.
I was just gonna propose. The wedding wouldn't be 'til after we graduate.
Waste of time. My grandmother always said, "Why buy the cow when you get the sex for free?"
- She did? - All the time.
Of course she became a lesbian on her 60th birthday, but that's beside the point.
Where the hell are these two going in such a hurry?
- Is he gone? - Halfway to Buy Me Toys by now.
Damn, that bastard's faster than Walt Flanagan's dog.
-What's with all the running? -[ T.S. ] What the hell happened to him?
The human brown-eye here is a walking calamity.
We gotta take a pass on stage trashing business, otherwise he's liable to kill himself.
- Sorry, bro. - No hard feelings. Isn't that Rene?
[ Brodie ] Oh, yeah. She's probably looking for me. I better go talk to her.
I don't know. She's with somebody. Wait a minute. Isn't--
[ Brodie ] The asshole from Fashionable Male! Son of a bitch!
- You think that they're-- - Could be. It'll explain why he hates me so much.
There's one way to find out. Can you run interference with the lug?
- What are you gonna do? - Get some answers.
You work at the Fashionable Male, don't you?
Yeah. So?
Uh, that's a great store you got there.
Thanks. Listen, I'm trying to spend my lunch hour with my lady friend.
So, why don't you beat it?
Oh, that's your girlfriend right there?
[ Clicks Tongue ]
If you don't stop gawking at me and get the hell outta here, I'm gonna kick your ass.
-Haven't you heard the phrase, "The customer's always right"? -[ Elevator Bell Dings ]
Let me tell you something. The customer's always an asshole!
-Jesus Christ! -What the hell gives with the cover boy?
None of your business, but he'll kick your ass if he knows what you pulled.
Are you insane? The guy looks like a date rapist. Is that my jacket?
- Start the elevator. - Not until you tell me the situation...
with you and the Sperminator!
- How long's this been going on? - Since I mustered the good sense to send you packing.
- He's a much more suitable companion than you any day. - Are you nuts?
The guy's pure testosterone. He's a walking hard-on looking for a hole.
I'm need testosterone after baby-sitting you. I forgot what real men were like.
I can't believe you have the nerve to come to my mall and pick up guys!
Oh, no. Shannon did the picking up. He's already taken me to lunch at the Cheese Haus...
purchased tickets for the opera tonight, and brought me to stores I wanna shop in!
I took you shopping all the time!
You took me where you went shopping!
You think I care what store in that shitpit dirt mall has the latest Godzilla bootlegs?
Do you call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria every night eating out?
Do I give a shit what two comic labels are crossing over characters...
selling two editions of the book in varied-ink chromium covers?
I'm a girl, damn it! I wanna do girly things!
Like fix up someone's hair and get phone calls expressing romantic sentiments!
- I call you all the time! - "My mom's asleep. Come over." You call that romantic?
When was the last time you pulled out my chair, or told me I was beautiful?
And this guy does all this in a day?
- This guy already introduced me to his mother. - Really?
He was at work by 9:00 this morning, unlike my ex-boyfriend who would sleep until 1:00...
because all he did was play Sega all night long, which has an enormous effect on your libido.
- Now you attack my libido? - There's no libido to attack.
"No libido to attack"?
- You sure you saw her get on, right? - Maybe she was getting off.
# Why do you build me up #
# Why do ya, baby just to let me down Mess me around #
# Yeah, worst of all you never call baby when you say you will ##
- Ow! - Oh, sorry.
It's all right.
[ Humming ]
There, that was romantic, right? [ Humming Continues ]
- Passionate, yeah. - No, Brodie, that was too little, too late.
Too little? You said it was a good size!
The effort, you retard. The effort was too little, too late.
But now that you mention it, when a girl says it's a good size...
- it's a nice way of saying it's small. - Hey!
Hey! Oh, my. I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch!
No, no, forget about him. He wanted to give me something he forgot to give me long ago.
He's harmless now, okay?
Fine. I gotta get back to the store. Let's go.
[ Both Panting ]
- Right there in the elevator? - I don't know what came over me.
She challenged my libido. I felt obligated to defend myself against her accusations.
- Oh. It's not like you still wanted her or anything. - Not in the least. I'm over her.
- Holy shit. You really love that girl. - Yeah, right.
I never noticed it before, but she really fuels your engine.
- There's this new glow about you. - I don't have a glow.
- You're glowing. - If I have any glow, it's because I just got laid.
I'd look the same if I banged anyone in that elevator, present company excluded.
Deny it all you want. You're too proud to admit you want her back.
I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you.
I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you.
- What is your problem? I don't understand-- - Ow!
- What is your problem? I don't understand-- - Ow!
- Oh, Gwen, I'm sorry. - You fucker!
- [ Groaning, Choking ] - [ Groans ]
See? That's what you get for fuckin' with me.
Hey, Gwen, he didn't really mean to hit you.
He's got a funny way of showing it by elbowing me in my freaking tit.
- Why the hell are you glowing? - I'm not glowing.
- [ Groaning ] - Brandi dumped him.
- [ Groaning ] Would you stop saying that? - I heard.
- You heard? How? - She told me. I ran into her a few minutes ago.
- Where? - By the stage.
- [ Sighing ] - Do you want me to rub it?
Work with me, people! Would you, please?
No, no, I want this more towards the front.
The rug keeps popping up. If I put the podium there, it'll stay down.
[ Both Arguing ]
Give me the podium!
You put the podium down over here.
Like this. And you stamp the carpet down with your feet.
You speak English? Like this. Huh?
- [ Groans ] - Mr. Svening. Let me help you up.
Get off! Move!
- All right, where's Brandi? - Let go of me!
- Where's Brandi? - [ Groans ]
You're fired. You get the hell outta here.
Get off my set! [ Sighs ]
- Where is she? - You are out of her life.
Now, you stay out of her business and mine. Understand me?
People, are we working here? Get the backdrop ready. Those lights ready to go?
Excuse me. You go on the other side.
You put the podium over the bad spot in the carpet.
- Uh-huh. - Go, please, now.
So you made her dump me and now you're gonna auction her off to further your own career?
Not that it's any of your concern, but Brandi agreed to be on Truth or Date.
After the shit you pulled last night, she's looking forward to it.
It'll give her a chance to find herself a decent guy.
- Somebody with a brain. - So you admit it. You are behind our break-up.
Admit it? Hell, I'm as proud of it as I am this game show here.
T.S., listen to me.
It's over between you two.
The sooner you get that, the better off we're all gonna be.
Understand me? You don't.
[ Sighs ] Guard, come here. Get this guy off my set.
If he gives you any shit, you have my permission to castrate him.
- [ T.S. ] You can't do this! - I just did.
- Get me LaFours. - Right away, sir.
Well, go on!
- How 'bout these? - Very sexy.
- That sounds convincing. - I'm preoccupied.
T.S., she told you. She's doing it as a favor to her father.
- Regardless-- - It's not like she'll fuck the guy on public access.
- She might as well. - You're overreacting again.
You know, that's why your relationships fail. It's certainly why ours did.
You got bent out of shape the same way over that costume party in high school.
You fucked Rick Deras on a pool table with everyone watching.
It was a costume party, T.S. No one could tell it was me.
Besides, who else but you remembers shit like that?
- I would've been a sexy chick. - Brodie, you remember that costume party?
Might that have been the one where you banged Rick Deras on the pool table?
- Nobody remembers that? - How is it that you recall the most trivial events?
I'll never forget it; how many chances do you get to see Smokey fuck the Bandit?
- Didn't I look just like Burt Reynolds? - [ Both ] Except for the moustache.
They have a whole room you're supposed to do that in.
Well, some pervert wanted to see me naked so badly, he busted in on me twice.
- This saves some of the effort. - Oh. Oh!
How much longer we gonna be in this chick store? I'm startin' to get a mean hard-on.
Brodie, tell me about the Rene breakup.
-I threw her away like a parking ticket. -Ha!
Don't front, Brodie. I talked to Rene's cousin this morning. It was vice versa.
They certainly aren't acting broken up. Ask him about the elevator.
- Tell me about the elevator. - It goes up and down. [ Imitating Rim Shot ]
- Rene seems so coarse anyway. What was it like to date her? - Ever slept with somebody?
- Uh, yeah. - No, I mean really slept with somebody.
Beside them, not just fucked them on a gaming table.
- We slept together one time in high school, the ski trip. - That was you?
Yes, Brodie, I have slept beside many people.
You know how when someone lays with their back to you...
and you lay behind them really close and you throw one arm over them?
- It's called spooning. - Yeah, but you gotta put the other arm somewhere.
You can either lay on it or shove it between your bodies.
The only other option is to stretch it above your head.
But sometimes my arm pops out of socket when I'm sleeping like that.
So I was constantly searching for someplace to keep my arm while still laying close to her.
- And? - What do you mean, "And"?
That's like a metaphor for our whole relationship.
I'm all out. I'll meet you at the food court.
I know exactly how he feels. Excuse me. [ Crying ]
Fill this with Coke, no ice.
Want a sip of my soda?
[ Grunts ]
- [ Groans ] - Smart-ass ex-boyfriend.
- [ Groans ] - Now, I got two things to tell you.
One: I don't like you. I see you every week in this mall.
I don't like shiftless layabouts.
You're one of these loser fuckin' mallrat kids.
You don't come down here to work or shop; you hang out all day, act like you fuckin' live here.
I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda.
Is this is what's known as motivated salesmanship? [ Groans ]
Rene told me to leave you alone, but she's fuckin' clueless.
[ Groans ]
You see, Bruce...
I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship.
They're more vulnerable, in much more need of solace.
And they're fairly open to suggestion.
And I use that to fuck them some place fairly uncomfortable.
What, like the back of a Volkswagen?
No. Like someplace girls dread.
Hey, whoa. [ Laughing ]
- Did we ever get along? - Once or twice.
-How come we went out as long as we did? -You had cable.
- You gonna stay for the show? - Absolutely not. As soon as he gets back here, I'm gone.
T.S. Quint, where's your sense of chivalry?
Oh, my God, is that Brodie?
You're fuckin' kidding? The Easter Bunny did this?
All I said was "The Easter Bunny at the Menlo Park Mall was more convincing,"
- and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down. - He's dead!
- Let it go. He's under a lot of pressure. - What happened to him?
- The Easter Bunny kicked his ass. - I had it coming.
- Fuck all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob. - What really happened?
The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a rain check into my stomach.
- Shannon Hamilton? - You know that guy?
I went out with him after we dated. He tried to screw me somewhere very uncomfortable.
- Like the back of a Volkswagen? - Sounds like his M.O.
- Can you get up? - Am I still glowing?
Barely breathing. Was Rene involved in this?
This was an independent act of aggression.
He told me that his intentions were to penetrate my ex-girlfriend...
-in the most notorious of body cavities. -Sounds like him.
- You better tell Rene. - If she's not smart enough to see him for what he is...
then she deserves the discomfort.
I have had just about all the discomfort I can stand for a day.
- I'm late. I gotta go. - You're just gonna leave with him in this condition?
- You gonna be okay, Brodie? - Couple pins in the hip, I'll be as good as new.
That's my boy. [ Kisses Cheek ] Bye, guys. Be good.
Women. Always leaving you when you've just had the crap kicked out of you.
You look like you're gonna live. Stay here. I gotta hit the bathroom.
Please, don't say "hit."
[ Woman ] # Here comes Mister Easter Bunny #
All right, honey. Don't forget to look for your Easter eggs on Sunday.
-Bye-bye, Easter Bunny. -[ Easter Bunny ] All right, who's next?
It's hot in this goddamn suit.
Hey, guys, wait in line like everybody else. What the hell is this?
This is for Brodie.
- [ Gasping ] - [ Easter Bunny Groaning ]
[ Children Yelling ]
Oh, God.
- He's here. - What?
- Him and Brodie. - Don't sweat it. He's leaving. Oh.
He seems really broken up over this whole thing.
Maybe because we're broken up for good this time.
I remember when I dumped T.S., I was all right with it until he started dating you.
- A little jealousy residue? - I thought so, at first.
Then I realized it was more than that.
When I saw how he was with you, how well you two complimented each other...
it finally hit me that T.S. is a great catch.
[ Laughs ] Gwen, you were always cheating on him.
Capricious youth. Doesn't mean I wasn't regretful about it.
Jesus, Gwen, the last thing I need at this point is a lecture on my love life.
All I'm saying is that the really good guys are few and far between.
In fact, I haven't met one since T.S.
Even if I did meet one, I'd use him as a basis for my comparison.
- You can have him if you want him. - I might consider trying.
If he weren't so hung up on you.
Well, I gotta get home.
- Have a great show. - Okay. Bye.
[ Sighs ] Chocolate covered pretzel?
This is Roddy, Mr. "Zvening's" assistant.
- Mr. Svening would like to have a word with you. - Where?
- These are melting. - Copy that. By the stage.
Tell him I'll be there in a minute.
- What do you think? - I don't trust it.
Maybe he's calmed down. We'll talk about it reasonably.
Reasonably, schmeasonably. You should go over there and give him shit.
- I'm trying to marry his daughter. - So you can't scream at him.
- I'm trying to marry his daughter. - So you can't scream at him.
- But after all he's done to you, you should stick it to him. - How do I do that?
- You stink-palm him. - Stink-palm?
You take your hand and you stick it in your ass.
You been walkin' all day and you're nervous, so you'll be sweaty as hell.
You should see yourself. A grown man with his hand down his pants.
I probably look like my old man.
You shake hands with the guy. "Hey, Mr. Svening. How've you been?"
- What's the point? - You know how long it takes for that smell to come off?
Scrub all you like, it'll stick around for two days.
How does he explain it to his colleagues and family?
They'll think he doesn't know how to wipe his ass.
- Meanwhile, you are left with a hand that smells like shit. - Small price to pay...
- for the smiting of one's enemies. - I think I'll pass.
Do me a favor. Stay here while I go talk to him.
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