Man Who Knew Too Little The CD2
We want to question him in connection with a murder.
And the call girl, too. I know, I paid for it.
Mr. Ritchie, this is Chief Inspector Cockburn.
So now you're the chief. Listen, Chief...
Step out of character for a minute.
You don't realize the seriousness of the situation.
Is this an actor now or a human being?
Neither, sir. I'm a policeman.
...I need to buy some more time and I'll pay you handsomely for it.
Are you attempting to bribe an officer?
Do you torture everybody like this, or just Americans?
Look, Mr. Shakespeare, yes, yes, I want to bribe you.
Is the prime minister there? I'll bribe him!
Anybody! You invented the damn language, talk to me!
No wonder you lost the empire! You know what? Scotland's next!
Yes or no?!
Yes or no, you socialist, artsy-fartsy little dweeb?!
You won't help us, it's not a problem.
We'll do something else. Thank you.
...it's just a hunch, but I think we might be dealing with...
...some sort of right-wing extremist what-have-you.
Did you trace that call?
- I'm an actor. - Right.
- Did you trace that call? - Yes, sir.
40 Overbridge Square.
Call out the Armed Response Unit. I want this thing crushed, right now.
Thanks. These actors don't know when to stop.
No, Mr. Ritchie.
The theater community at large are asking:
What went wrong with the Theater of Life tonight?
The police are anxious to interview a Mr. Wallace Ritchie...
...an American, dark, about six foot...
...and believed to be armed and extremely dangerous.
- There you are, James. - There you are, finally.
Before we continue, I'm going to...
...pop down to the cellar.
There's a nice bottle of port...
We've already got one.
True. But it's very dark there and it might take me a few minutes.
I'll be back with the port.
And the car keys.
Who's wearing Old Spice?
- Shut up. - I found letters.
But no identification.
Of course not, idiot. He's a professional.
Everybody wants to check minibar. Go away!
It's the plumbers!
Those sons of bitches blew up my Nikita in '79.
Nikita was vicious...
Forget about your dog. Open the door.
Easy for you to say. He's my dog, not your dog.
Let go of me.
Get off me!
I thought you were staying in the car.
This is busier than my butcher shop! Go away!
Sergei Nikolivich. Open up.
Good to see you.
Here we have our man, in the flesh.
How am I supposed to do my work?
Stop complaining. Give me the letters. Quick.
So, this is him, in the flesh.
Where are the letters?
Spenser, do something. Those are my letters. Bastards!
Come, Sir Roger. We are overdue for banqueting room.
...we begin with soft tissue.
Mr. Prime Minister...
...my lords, ladies and gentlemen...
...it's my duty and privilege to welcome you this evening.
Before that historic moment at midnight...
...when the peace accord is signed between our two countries...
...we shall be treated to...
...music and dance that seek to embody the souls...
...of these two great nations.
- Before torture, we try truth serum? - Please.
Are you a member of our Frequent Renters' Club?
We would like to be.
We have a two-night rental policy.
If the tape stays out longer than that, you're not charged the extra $1.50.
What is your real name?
Who is paying for all this?
My brother Jimmy. He's...
...trying to impress the Germans so he gave me this for my birthday.
Who you are working for?
Blockbuster Video, Des Moines, lowa.
Who you are working for?
Blockbuster Video, Des Moines, lowa.
They trained him so well.
Give him the antidote. I do it old-fashioned-way. I beat it out of him.
This real pen.
I have antidote here.
That is so refreshing.
May I have one of those when we're all finished, please.
Who else knows about these letters, Mr. Ritchie?
Please don't call me by my real name. It destroys the reality I'm creating.
Who are the goddamn Germans?
I hate to break out of character, but...
...you cannot shout into a person's ear.
It does damage.
You know, the spitting I don't mind.
Boris, it's so big.
Please. Not like Ponsonby in Helsinki.
Is fun for you, but we have to clean up after. Please.
We do have to do cleanup after?
Always. You're right.
Sometimes it's foolish to be so brave.
You leave us no alternative.
I will call Dr. Ludmilla Kropotkin.
- She will take care of you. - The evil lady torturer?
Bring her in here!
Even perhaps you are not brave enough for taste of her medicine.
I'm not ticklish.
Get the rubber sheets.
And watch that man.
How come you not sniff on his turn?
Boris' Old Spice is lingering.
Do you think we could open up the window a little bit?
...be a guy.
See that nasal spray?
Could you pass me over a couple of snoots worth, please?
Is poison maybe.
Good. Give him. Maybe we'll finish game.
I'm going to need one on each side.
Tilt. Little tilt.
Oh, yeah, stop. Stop.
Stop. Can you back it out a little?
- No, don't do that. Stop. - It's stuck.
Don't push it in. Stop it. Don't push it in. Wait.
Now it's too far in.
You squeeze it.
That's much better.
What're you doing? Don't joke.
Great, great spill.
I still need my stuff though.
You stay, I'll get it.
I know you do this every night and it can get boring, but you gotta give 100 percent.
Now I've got to figure out how to escape.
I'm going to show you what 100 percent looks like.
I'm right there.
Where's that big paw?
Lori, am I good, or am I good?
He's done it again.
My God, you're good.
Gonna untie me?
Hurry, before they come back.
...we're ready for you now.
Why do you always go out the window? It's more dramatic, I guess.
It's kind of a Starsky and Hutch thing, isn't it?
Where's our special scarves?
I risked my life. I waited for you. I didn't have to.
Why did you tonight?
Don't make me say it now.
What about the money?
We can't just rewrite the whole script.
Is the money so important?
Without the money, what the heck we got going on?
Less than I thought, obviously.
Albert, if you don't say it, it won't work. What are you?
I'm a very naughty boy.
What are you?
I'm a very naughty boy.
Don't mind me.
If you hold it a bit lower down, you get more of a flick.
What are you?
A very naughty boy.
If Featherstone Finch...
...were to move 40 million of Feathers' assets to...
Get your hands up!
Get your hands behind your back!
Where's Mr. Ritchie?
Where's Mr. Ritchie?
Where's Mr. Ritchie?
- Mr. Ritchie, he go for port. - Which port?
Shut up, you! Which port?
He go for port in his car.
Green 1. Suspect Ritchie heading for unspecified port. Over.
Control to Special Branch.
I want an all-ports alert, effective immediately. Close all ports.
I'm the only one standing on a ledge! Jimmy!
- Oh, my God. - I'm stuck!
- Don't move! - I won't! I can't!
I'm coming, Wally.
Come on, damn it. They're gone.
Hold me. Okay?
We'll try from other side.
- What happened? - He went out the window.
You have beans!
He jumped us. He's not human.
Neither am I.
A nasty, wicked boy.
We get him from downstairs.
Where are you?
I'm here on the ledge.
What's going on?
My leading lady came out on the ledge, and I think I broke her heart.
So I followed her.
She came out here and she went down to this next room.
There's a hallway. We can walk.
Not very theatrical, though.
I'm so sorry. This isn't theater.
You don't get it. It's experimental.
This is serious.
It's very raw, very...
No, no, no, no. It's real. It's so real.
Put your hands in the air!
I'm glad you came. I think you're gonna like it.
You missed again!
Not by much, though!
Cut! Hold it! Hold it. Time out.
I got something in my eye, jag-off!
Stop it! Oh, God!
Let's not think of my safety!
I guess I got the drop on Dr. Ludmilla Kropotkin.
Get that thing away from that little boy's butt! Drop it!
You all right, son?
...for him, hour after hour I just wait. Of course, he...
I would like Lori's three million, please, or...
...Dr. Ludmilla Kropotkin will die.
But I am Dr. Ludmilla Kropotkin.
Keep back. He's dangerous. He might have bomb.
Plan B, then.
I'll just get her letters for her, then.
All right, even he cannot penetrate ballroom for letters.
Help! I'm being abducted. You've got to...
Oh, you're together.
- He's the brother. - Good. Take him to bowels of hotel.
I go after the brother.
One false move and the doctor will get a taste of her own medicine.
Relax, we're actors.
Oh, please, I'm not a doctor. I'm a manicurist.
It's our anniversary.
Yeah, I'd like to believe that...
...from one of the most dangerous women in the world.
I suppose you were involved with that business in Helsinki with Ponsonby.
Did you get your kicks, Doctor?
We were just having a little fun.
You had your fun.
And he got his head sent home in a freezer bag.
The key is really to listen...
...to feel it and then...
...respond as if it were really happening.
You can do it. Break a leg.
Help, please! She's a killer!
- Please. - She's dead.
It's our anniversary.
- We are kidding. - We are only acting.
- What? - Just acting.
- You can't go without a security pass. - Russian Secret Service.
I need to see your pass.
Excuse me! Hello, hello. No pass, no entry, I'm afraid.
I'm looking for a tall American.
Aren't we all, dear. But we've got a show to put on, in case you didn't notice.
You can wait outside.
Can we have all these swans together? Thank you.
And you'd be Mr. Nikolai, I presume.
Would you get into the rest of the costume?
I'm not supposed to be in costume.
- We are performing tonight, aren't we? - Yeah...
Then get with it! You go before the public in two minutes.
I'm not ready for that. My brother said I wouldn't have to...
Spare me the prima donna act.
It's really not the time.
Nikolai's come in from the cold, everyone. On stage, please.
We know you and your German friends are financing all operation.
Your brother told us.
I'm a banker. I'm mortgaged to the hilt. I can't finance anything.
The longer you keep me here, the less I'm worth.
Let's have a little fun with electricity, shall we?
My lords, ladies and gentlemen...
...the Baltic dancers from Russia will perform a dance...
...symbolizing man's growth from infancy to adulthood.
Where's Lori's letters?
Lori wants her letters back.
Boris, come quickly.
Okay, I bring dart gun. Then it's curtains for Spenser.
Spineless little shit.
I'm very late.
I lost my ticket, but I'm a close friend of the minister of defense.
And my mom knows the queen of Sheba.
Maybe we should get out while we can. Perhaps he could bring money.
Here, get Rasputin's money now.
How can we tell which doll is which?
Only he can.
It's his plan.
Let's get out of here.
Where're you guys going?
Here comes Hawkins with your money, now.
Great. I wish my brother could be here. He's missing everything.
Here's the stuff.
You idiot, go and get the brother, now!
Please don't go anywhere. I want to talk to you both after the show.
Oh, my God.
Stop! Don't torture him...
...or his brother will kill us all!
The man is a god.
I finish this man to man.
He has disabled bomb.
Hold it right there, you two.
What did you think of the show?
Here's the cash. You can count it all now.
Thank you very much.
Two bags' worth.
Where's Lori? Do you know if she saw the show?
I got her money. She'll like it.
- Love the hat. - Thank you. Thank you very much.
Can you keep a secret? I'm taking this souvenir of my day.
This has been a total hoot.
I'm afraid he's a little groggy, but he's fine.
Welcome back, stranger.
Here, take a load off.
- Can I get you some tea? - Please.
One lump or two?
What have you been doing?
I was tortured.
- Great. Did they make it fun? - What?
You know what they're signing?
The death knell of our dreams.
We'll have to settle for half.
Did you see what I did?
In front of all these people, I had a solo.
I had the entire crowd eating out of my hand.
Is that what you were wearing?
Maybe they made a tape.
I'm so proud of you.
I want to be just like you, Wally.
When I was back in that room, I thought I was going to die.
My life passed before my eyes and I realized I cared about the wrong things.
I've cared about money and success and getting to the top.
At the end of the day...
There's a big guy standing behind you.
...maybe you'll feel better if you could see this tape.
Really behind me?
This one is for you...
"From KGB to Boris...
"...fastest gun in the east."
But there can only be one fastest gun.
And now, it's you.
I salute you.
Doreen and me, we go open butcher shop. But you will always be my brother.
What? What's the matter?
There's nothing in here but silly money.
What were you looking for?
I lost my souvenir doll.
You really don't care about money at all, do you?
It's not real.
The doll was beautiful.
How's this for a souvenir?
Roger, you don't suppose maybe doll...?
Don't be daft. This is the one he picked for himself.
Terrible-looking thing. Her stomach looks like her ass.
Is her ass, you idiot. Give it to me.
That was like an explosion.
Want to try again?
Do you have insurance?
Did you see this? We were right there.
We could've been killed.
It says this mystery guy...
...was equal parts "brilliant cunning and sheer testosterone."
They were right about the second part.
All right, drink man.
Compliments of the house.
Oh, my gosh.
You people are so nice.
Do you eat the flower?
I'm sorry. In the nose, too.
That's the worst. Here, get a towel.
Did that make contact?
Oh my gosh!
- You okay? - Yeah, just another Old Spice guy.
Impressive performance, Mr. Spenser.
Sorry about the test, but we did have to be sure.
Only one candidate in a thousand even detects Amazonian arafrog toxin...
...much less incapacitates the messenger.
And it's rare that we even approach a candidate...
...until we've auditioned him for 12 or 18 months, but the other night...
We witnessed the birth of a superstar.
We'd like you to join the team.
You want me to be a part of The Company?
I don't know what to say. This is all happening kind of fast.
Just tell us your demands, please.
What do I do?
They think you're a superstar.
I think they expect you to act like one.
I would like fresh flowers in my room. Rare tropical flowers...
...that smell good.
And ice in my dressing room...
...which should be a palace and so should Lori's be a palace.
And I want a dressing room for my pet bloodhound, too.
And a poodle.
And Lori's poodle. They can bunk in together.
But there better be fresh flowers in there! And ice!
- Whatever. - Just so long as you produce the hits.
I'll do six a week.
No, not six. Five.
But one of them will be for free.
I want to do kids or old people one day a week.
And I want a StairMaster.
I want a JuiceMaster.
I want a ThighMaster and I want a ButtMaster.
If you can't give it to me, I'm going back to Des Moines.
Just don't hurt the help.
It's whatever you want.
What I want is this guy. He's fantastic. I love working with him.
I hope I've passed your audition. Thank you for asking.
Let's get creative.
I'm thinking for our opening season, Lori...
Shakespeare in the Sand!
You've got casting approval, okay? For your lead.
Joan of Arc for our action people.
I set you afire.
You behead him, right?
Wait a second! With people.
People as cats. Let's workshop.
You're both cats.
You're my big cat. I've got a giant cat. Get down.
Creative producer. Thank you. You're the dog.
We've got a dog and a cat, but they hate each other.
Cat, go, kitty, go!
Lori and I are the husband and wife. We have this cat and this dog.
We love each of them, but they hate each other.
So you're the bad cat. The only thing we can do is...
Cut it out! Bad kitty! Bad cat!
Is this working? Are you liking it?
MASH 1970 CD1
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