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Meaning Of Life The (Monty Pythons) CD2

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[Tiger growling]
Don't shoot. Don't shoot. We're not a tiger.
We were just...
Why are you dressed as a tiger?
- Oh, why, why, why? - Isn't it a lovely day today?
Answer the question.
- We were just... - Well, we're dressed like this because...
No, that's not it.
We did it for a laugh. Part of a spree. High spirits.
- Simple as that. - Nothing more to it.
Actually, we're on a mission for British intelligence.
- There's a pro-tsarist Ashanti Chief... - No, no, no.
- No, no, no. - No. We're doing it for an advertisement.
That's it. Forget about the Russians.
We're doing an advert for Tiger brand coffee.
"Tiger brand coffee is a real treat. Even tigers prefer a cup of it to real meat."
AINSWORTH: Now, look... REAR END: All right, all right.
We are dressed as a tiger because he has an auntie who did it in 1839.
- This is the 50th anniversary. - We're doing it for a bet.
- God told us to do it. - To tell the truth, we are completely mad.
We're inmates of a Bengali psychiatric institution...
and we escaped by making this skin out of old used cereal packets.
PERKINS: It doesn't matter! AINSWORTH: What?
It doesn't matter why they're dressed as a tiger.
Have they got my leg?
Good thinking. Well, have you?
- Actually... - Yes?
We were thinking of training as taxidermists.
We wanted the feel from the animal's point of view.
Quiet! Now look, we're just asking you if you've got this man's leg.
- A wooden leg? - No, no, a proper leg.
He was fast asleep, and someone or something came in and removed it.
Without waking him up?
- Yes. - I don't believe you.
We found the tiger skin in a bicycle shop in Cairo.
The owner wanted it taken to Dar es Salaam.
Shut up! Now look, have you or have you not got his leg?
- Yes. - No.
No, no, no.
- Why did you say yes? - I didn't.
I'm not talking to you.
Right. Search the thicket.
Come on. Do we look like the sort of chaps who'd creep into a camp at night...
steal into someone's tent, anaesthetise them, tissue-type 'em...
amputate a leg and run away with it?
Search the thicket.
FRONT END: Leg! You're looking for a leg!
Actually, I think there is one in there somewhere.
Someone must've abandoned it here, knowing you'd come after it.
We stumbled across it, actually. They'll be miles away by now.
I expect we'll have to take all the blame as usual.
Hello, good evening and welcome to The Middle of the Film.
Hello, and welcome to The Middle of the Film...
the moment where we take a break to invite you...
to join us, the filmmakers, in Find the Fish.
We're going to show you a scene from another film...
and ask you to guess where the fish is.
But if you think you know, don't keep it to yourselves.
Yell out so that all the cinema can hear you.
So here we are with Find the Fish.
[Dignified instrumental music]
I wonder where that fish has gone.
You did love it so.
You looked after it like a son.
And it went wherever I did go.
- Is it in the cupboard? - Yes!
Wouldn't you like to know? It was a lovely little fish.
And it went wherever I did go.
MAN IN AUDIENCE: It's behind the sofa! MAN IN MASK: Where can that fish be?
MAN IN AUDIENCE: Have you thought of the bureau?
It is a most elusive fish.
And it went wherever I did go.
Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish.
Fish, fish, fish...
Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish!
That went wherever I did go.
MAN IN AUDIENCE: Look up his trunk! MAN IN AUDIENCE 2: His trousers!
FISH 1: That was terrific! FISH 2: Great! Yeah!
FISH 3: Best bit so far. ALL: Fantastic!
ALL: Really risky, yeah.
FISH 5: They haven't said much about the meaning of life so far, have they?
FISH 1: It's been building up to it. FISH 2: Has it?
FISH 5: Yeah, I expect they'll get onto it now.
FISH 3: Personally, I doubt they're going to say anything about the meaning of life at all.
FISH 4: They've gotta say something. ALL: They're bound to.
ALL: Yeah.
FISH 3: Wonder what the next bit will be. FISH 1: Caption, I expect.
FISH 6: About the next stage of life, you mean? Here we go.
That's much better. Thank you, honey.
You're welcome.
MR. HENDY: It was all sort of misty before. That's fine.
- Hey! How are you? - We're just fine.
What kind of food would you like this evening?
We sort of like pineapple.
Yeah, we love pineapple.
MR. HENDY: Yeah, anything with pineapple in it is great for us.
How about the Dungeon Room?
- That sounds fine. - Sure is. It's real Hawaiian food...
served in an authentic medieval English dungeon atmosphere.
[Prisoner screams in agony]
[Hawaiian-style instrumental music]
Isn't this nice?
Why not.
MR. HENDY: Take a little Kodak.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
[Prisoner screams in agony]
Good evening. Would you care for something to talk about?
- That would be wonderful. - Our special tonight is minorities.
That sounds real interesting.
What's this conversation here?
That's football. You can talk about the Steelers-Bears game Saturday...
or you could reminisce about really great World Series.
MRS. HENDY: No.
- What is this one here? - That's philosophy.
Is that a sport?
No, it's more of an attempt to construct a viable hypothesis...
to explain the meaning of life.
FISH 3: What was that? FISH 5: What's he saying?
That sounds wonderful.
Would you like to talk about the meaning of life, darling?
Sure. Why not?
- Philosophy for two? - Right.
- Room? - 259.
259.
How do we...
You folks want me to start you off?
We'd appreciate that.
Okay!
Look. Have you ever wondered just why you're here?
We went to Miami last year and California the year before...
No, no, no. I mean, why we're here, on this planet.
No.
Right. You ever wanted to know what it's all about?
Nope.
Righty-ho!
See, throughout history, there have been certain men and women...
who've tried to find the solution to the mysteries of existence.
- Great! - And we call these guys philosophers.
- And that's what we're talking about. - Right!
That's neat.
You look like you're getting the idea, so I'll give you these conversation cards.
They'll tell you a little about philosophical method, names of famous philosophers.
There you are.
- Have a nice conversation. - Thank you very much.
- He's cute. - Yeah, real understanding.
I never knew Schopenhauer was a philosopher.
Yeah. He's the one that begins with an "S."
Like Nietzsche.
Does "Nietzsche" begin with an "S"?
There's an "S" in "Nietzsche."
Yes, there is.
Do all philosophers have an "S" in them?
Yeah. I think most of them do.
Does that mean Salena Jones is a philosopher?
Yeah! Right!
She could be. She sings about the meaning of life.
Yeah. That's right.
But I don't think she writes her own material.
No.
Maybe Schopenhauer writes her material.
No. Burt Bacharach writes it.
There's no "S" in "Burt Bacharach."
Or in "Hal David."
Who's Hal David?
He writes the lyrics. Burt just writes the tunes.
Only now, he's married to Carole Bayer Sager.
Waiter? This conversation isn't very good.
I'm sorry, sir.
We do have one today that's not on the menu.
It's sort of a specialty of the house, you know? Live organ transplants.
Live organ transplants? What's that?
[Doorbell]
Don't worry, dear. I'll get it.
[Fast-paced Jewish folk music]
MR. BROWN: Yes? MAN 1: Hello. Can we have your liver?
MR. BROWN: What? MAN 1: Your liver.
It's a large glandular organ in your abdomen.
You know, it's reddish-brown, sort of...
Yeah, yeah, I know what it is, but I'm using it.
ERIC: Come on, sir. Don't muck us about.
Hello!
- What's this, then? - A liver donor's card.
- Need we say more? - No.
MR. BROWN: Listen, I can't give it you now. It says, "in the event of death."
My God!
MAN 1: No one has ever had their liver taken out by us and survived.
Just lie there, sir. It won't take a minute.
[Mr. Brown screams in agony]
[Mr. Brown continues screaming]
MRS. BROWN: Here. What's going on?
He's donating his liver, madam.
Is this because he took out one of those silly cards?
- That's right, madam. - Typical of him.
He goes down to the public library, sees a few signs up...
comes home all full of good intentions.
He gives blood, does cold research, all that sort of thing.
[Mr. Brown continues screaming]
What do you do with them all, anyway?
They all go to saving lives, madam.
That's what he used to say.
"It's all for the good of the country," he used to say.
Do you think it's all for the good of the country?
Do you think it's all for the good of the country?
I wouldn't know about that, madam. We're just doing our jobs, you know?
You're not doctors, then?
Blimey, no.
SON: Mum, Dad, I'm off out now. I'll see you about 7:00?
Right, son. Look after yourself.
You fancy a cup of tea?
That'd be very nice. Thank you.
Thank you very much, madam.
I thought she'd never ask.
You do realise he has to be...
dead by the terms of the card...
before he donates his liver.
I told him that, but he never listens to me, silly man.
I mean, I was wonderin'...
what you was thinkin' of doin' after that.
I mean will you stay on your own?
Or is there, well, someone else, sort of...
on the horizon?
I'm too old for that sort of thing. I'm past my prime.
Not at all. Very attractive woman.
Well, I'm certainly not thinking of getting hitched up again.
- Sure? - Sure.
Can we have your liver then?
I would be scared.
All right.
I'll tell you what.
Listen to this.
[Singing] Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown
And things seem hard or tough
And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft
And you feel that you've had quite enough
Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at 900 miles an hour
It's orbiting at 19 miles a second So it's reckoned
A sun that is the source of all our power
The sun and you and me And all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm at 40,000 miles an hour
Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way
Our galaxy itself contains 100 billion stars
It's a 100,000 light years side to side
It bulges in the middle 16,000 light years thick
But out by us, it's just 3,000 light years wide
We're 30,000 light years from galactic central point
We go round every 200 million years
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe
[Mystical instrumental music]
[Carnival-style music]
The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go The speed of light you know
Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is
So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely is your birth
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space
'Cause there's bugger all down here on earth
Makes you feel so insignificant, doesn't it?
Yeah.
Can we have your liver, then?
- Yeah, all right. You talked me into it. - Eric!
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Which brings us, once again, to the urgent realization...
of just how much there is still left to own.
Item 6 on the agenda: "The Meaning of Life."
Now, Harry, you've had some thoughts on this.
I've had a team working on this over the past few weeks.
What we've come up with can be reduced to two fundamental concepts.
One: People are not wearing enough hats.
Two: Matter is energy.
In the universe, there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive.
Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person's soul.
However, this soul does not exist ab initio...
as orthodox Christianity teaches.
It has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation.
However, this is rarely achieved owing to man's unique ability...
to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia.
What was that about hats again?
People aren't wearing enough.
Is this true?
Certainly. Hat sales have increased, but not pari passu as our research...
When you say "enough," enough for what purpose?
Can I just ask, with reference to your second point...
when you say souls don't develop because people become distracted...
Has anyone noticed that building there before?
BOARD MEMBER: What?
Good Lord!
[Adventurous instrumental music]
Good Lord!
The Crimson Permanent Assurance!
NARRATOR: We interrupt to apologise for this unwarranted attack...
by the supporting feature.
Luckily, we have been prepared for this eventuality...
and are now taking steps to remedy it.
Thank you.
Good evening. Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean.
[Singing] Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong
It's swell to have a stiffy It's divine to own a dick
From the tiniest little tadger to the world's biggest prick
So three cheers for your willy or John Thomas
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend your percy or your cock
You can wrap it up in ribbons You can slip it in your sock
But don't take it out in public or they will stick you in the dock
And you won't come back Thank you very much.
- What a frightfully witty song. - Terribly clever.
- Jolly good. - Marvelous.
[Fast-paced dramatic instrumental music]
FISH 1: Oh, shit! It's Mr. Creosote!
- Good afternoon, sir, and how are we today? - Better.
- Better? - Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up.
Gaston? A bucket for monsieur.
There we are, monsieur.
- Merci, Gaston. - I haven't finished.
Pardon! Gaston? A thousand pardons, monsieur.
Now, this afternoon, we have monsieur's favourite: The jugged hare.
The hare is very high, and the sauce is very rich...
with truffles, anchovies, Grand Marnier, bacon and cream.
Thank you, Gaston.
There's still more.
Allow me.
A new bucket for monsieur.
And the cleaning woman.
Et maintenant, would monsieur care for an apéritif...
or would he prefer to order straight away?
Today, we have for appetizers... Excuse me.
Moules marinières, pâté de foie gras, beluga caviar, eggs benedictine...
tarte de poireaux, that's leek tart...
frogs' legs amandine or oeufs de caille Richard Shepherd.
C'est-à-dire, little quails' eggs on a bed of puréed mushrooms.
It's very delicate, very succulent.
I'll have the lot.
A wise choice, monsieur.
And now, how would you like it served? All mixed up together in a bucket?
Yeah. With the eggs on top.
- But of course. Avec des oeufs frits. - Don't skimp on the pâté.
I assure you. Just because it's mixed up with all the other things...
we wouldn't give you less than the full amount.
In fact, I will personally make sure you have a double helping.
Maintenant, quelque chose à boire. Something to drink?
Yeah, I'll have six bottles of Château Latour '45.
And a double jeroboam of champagne.
Bon. And the usual brown ales?
Yeah. No, wait a minute. I think I could only manage six crates today.
I hope monsieur was not overdoing it last night.
- Shut up! - D'accord.
The new bucket and the cleaning woman.
- Is there something wrong with the food? - No, the food was excellent.
- You're not happy with the service? - No, no complaints.
It's just that we have to go. I'm having rather a heavy period.
And we have a train to catch.
Yes, of course. We have a train to catch.
And I don't want to start bleeding all over the seats.
- Madam? - Perhaps we should be going?
Very well, monsieur. Thank you so much. So nice to see you.
I hope very much we will see you again very soon.
Au revoir, messieurs.
Oh, dear. I have trodden in monsieur's bucket.
Another bucket for monsieur!
And perhaps a hose.
Oh, Max. Really!
Finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin mint.
Sir, it's only a tiny, little thin one.
- No, fuck off. I'm full. - Sir.
It's only wafer thin.
I couldn't eat another thing. I'm absolutely stuffed.
Bugger off.
Sir, just one. Just one.
- All right. Just one. - Just the one, monsieur.
Voilà.
Bon appétit.
[Fast-paced suspenseful instrumental music]
[Restaurant patrons yelling]
[Restaurant patrons gagging]
Thank you, monsieur, and now, here's your cheque.
[Slow lounge-type instrumental music]
You know, Maria, I sometimes wonder if we'll...
ever discover the meaning of it all...
working in a place like this.
Well, I've worked in worse places, philosophically speaking.
Really, Maria?
Yes.
I used to work in the Académie française.
But it didn't do me any good at all.
I once worked in the library in the Prado in Madrid...
but it didn't teach me nothin', I recall.
And the Library of Congress you'd have thought would hold some key...
but it didn't, and neither did the Bodleian Library.
In the British Museum, I hoped to find some clue.
I worked there from 9:00 till 6:00, read every volume through...
but it didn't teach me nothing about life's mystery.
I just kept getting older, and it got more difficult to see.
Till eventually, me eyes went, and me arthritis got bad.
So now, I'm cleaning up in here.
But I can't be really sad...
'cause you see, I feel that life's a game.
You sometimes win or lose...
and though I may be down right now...
at least I don't work for Jews.
I'm so sorry.
I had no idea we had a racist working here.
I apologise most sincerely. I mean...
Where are you going? No, I can explain.
As for me...
if you want to know what I think, I'll show you something.
GASTON: Come with me. MAÎTRE D': I was saying that...
MAÎTRE D': Hello? GASTON: Come on.
MAÎTRE D': Hello?
This way.
Come on. Don't be shy.
Mind the stairs, all right?
I think this will help explain.
Come along.
Over here.
Come on. Come on.
[Car tyres screech]
This way.
[Horns honk and tyres screech]
Come on.
This way.
Stay by me?
Nearly there now.
[Gentle piano music]
You see that?
That's where I was born.
You know, one day...
my mother put me on her knee and she said to me:
"Gaston, my son.
"The world is a beautiful place.
"You must go into it and love everyone.
"Try to make everyone happy...
"and bring peace and contentment everywhere you go."
So I became a waiter.
It's not much of a philosophy, I know.
Fuck you. I can live my own life in my own way if I want to.
Fuck off.
Don't come followin' me!
[Gloomy instrumental music]
[Seagull cries]
[Dramatic fasted-paced instrumental music]
NARRATOR: This man is about to die.
In a few moments now, he will be killed...
for Arthur Jarrett is a convicted criminal...
who has been allowed to choose the manner of his own execution.
There he is!
GOVERNOR: "Arthur Charles Herbert Runcie MacAdam Jarrett...
"you have been convicted by 12 good persons, and true...
"of the crime of first-degree making of gratuitous sexist jokes...
"in a moving picture."
[Sweeping instrumental music]
[Women panting]
[Climactic instrumental music]
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust."
MALE LEAF: [Crying] It's no good. I just can't go on.
I'm no good anymore.
I want to end it all!
Good-bye! Good-bye!
[Leaf screaming]
FEMALE LEAF: Oh, my God!
Oh, no!
What'll I do? I can't live without him!
[Female leaf screaming]
BOY LEAF: Mummy! GIRL LEAF: Mum, where are you?
BOY LEAF: Daddy? Mummy?
GIRL LEAF: Mummy?
[Girl and boy leaves screaming]
[All leaves screaming together]
[Church bell chimes]
[Wind howls]
[Eerie music]
Yes?
Is it about the hedge?
GEOFF: I'm awfully sorry, but... REAPER: I am the Grim Reaper.
Who?
REAPER: The Grim Reaper. GEOFF: Yes, I see.
REAPER: I am death.
Well, we have some people from America for dinner tonight...
ANGELA: Who is it, darling? GEOFF: A Mr. Death or something.
He's come about the reaping? I don't think we need any now.
Hello. Don't leave him hanging around outside. Ask him in.
- I don't think it's quite the moment. - Do come in. Come and have a drink.
Do. Come on.
[Dinner guests murmuring quietly]
It's one of the little men from the village.
Do come in. Please.
This is Howard Katzenberg from Philadelphia.
- And his wife, Debbie. - Hello there.
And these are the Portland-Smythes, Jeremy and Fiona.
Good evening.
This is Mr. Death.
[Eerie instrumental music]
ANGELA: Well, do get Mr. Death a drink. GEOFF: Yes.
Mr. Death is a reaper.
REAPER: The Grim Reaper.
Hardly surprising in this weather.
[Dinner guests laugh]
So you still reap around here, do you, Mr. Death?
REAPER: I am the Grim Reaper.
That's about all he says. There's your drink, Mr. Death.
Do sit down.
We were just talking about some of the awful problems facing the third...
Would you prefer white? I'm afraid we don't have any beer.
The Stilton's awfully good.
REAPER: I am not of this world.
[Eerie instrumental music]
GEOFF: Good Lord.
REAPER: I am death.
Isn't that extraordinary?
We were talking about death five minutes ago.
Yes, we were. You know, whether death is really the end...
As my husband Howard here feels, or whether there is...
and one hates to use words like soul or spirit...
- What other words can one use? - Exactly.
REAPER: You do not understand.
No. Obviously not.
HOWARD: I'll tell you something, Mr. Death. REAPER: You don't...
I'd like to express on behalf of everybody here...
what a really unique experience this is.
- Hear, hear. - We're so delighted that you dropped in.
- Can I just finish, please? - Mr. Death. Is there an afterlife?
- If you could wait, please... - You sure you wouldn't like some sherry...
HOWARD: Angela, I'd like to say this, please.
REAPER: Quiet! HOWARD: Can I just say this, please?
REAPER: Silence! I have come for you.
ANGELA: You mean to... REAPER: Take you away.
That is my purpose.
I am death.
Well, that's cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn't it?
I don't see it that way, Geoff. I think we're dealing with...
a potentially positive learning experience that can...
REAPER: Shut up! Shut up, you American.
You always talk, you Americans.
You talk and you talk and you say:
"Let me tell you something," and, "I just wanna say this."
REAPER: Well, you're dead now, so shut up!
HOWARD: Dead? REAPER: Dead.
ANGELA: All of us? REAPER: All of you.
Now look here. You barge in here quite uninvited, break glasses...
then announce quite casually that we're all dead.
I'd remind you that you're a guest in this house...
REAPER: Be quiet!
Englishmen! You're all so fucking pompous!
None of you have got any balls.
DEBBIE: Can I ask you a question? REAPER: What?
How can we all have died at the same time?
REAPER: The salmon mousse.
Darling, you didn't use canned salmon, did you?
ANGELA: I'm most dreadfully embarrassed.
REAPER: Now the time has come.
Follow.
Follow me.
Just testing. Sorry.
REAPER: Follow me. Now.
Come.
ANGELA: The fishmonger promised me he'd have fresh salmon.
He's normally so reliable.
JEREMY: Can we take our glasses? FIONA: Good idea.
DEBBIE: Hey! I didn't even eat the mousse.
ANGELA: Honestly, darling, I'm so embarrassed.
It really is embarrassing.
To serve salmon with botulism at a dinner party is social death.
JEREMY: Shall we take our cars? GEOFF: Why not?
DEBBIE: Good idea.
[Car engines start]
[Eerie instrumental music]
[Dramatic instrumental and choral music]
REAPER: Behold paradise.
- I love it here, darling. - Me, too, Marvin.
Hello. Welcome to Heaven.
[Insipid hotel lobby music]
Excuse me. Could you just sign here, please, sir?
Thank you. There's a table for you through there, in the restaurant.
- For the ladies. - Afterlife mints. Thank you.
CLERK: Happy Christmas. DEBBIE: Is it Christmas today?
Of course, madam. It's Christmas every day in Heaven.
DEBBIE: How about that? HOWARD: Lovely.
[Guests greet newcomers to Heaven]
[Drum roll]
[Uplifting instrumental music]
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
It's truly a real honourable experience to be here this evening...
a very wonderful and warm...
and emotional moment for all of us.
And I'd like to sing a song for all of you.
[Singing] It's Christmas in Heaven
All the children sing
It's Christmas in Heaven
Hark, hark, those church bells ring
It's Christmas in Heaven
The snow falls from the sky
But it's nice and warm
And everyone looks smart and wears a tie
It's Christmas in Heaven
There's great films on TC
The Sound of Music twice an hour
And Jaws I, II and III
There's gifts for all the family
There's toiletries and trains
There's Sony Walkman headphone sets
And the latest video games
It's Christmas in Heaven
Hip-hip-hooray
Every single day is Christmas Day
It's Christmas in Heaven
Every single day is...
That's the end of the film. Now here's the meaning of life.
Thank you, Brigitte.
It's nothing special. "Try to be nice to people. Avoid eating fat.
"Read a good book now and then. Get some walking in.
"Try to live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations."
Finally, here are some gratuitous pictures of penises to annoy the censors...
and hopefully spark controversy, which is the only way...
to get the jaded video-sated public off their asses and back in the cinema.
Family entertainment? Bollocks. They want filth:
People doing things to each other with chain saws.
Babysitters stabbed with knitting needles by gay presidential candidates.
Vigilante groups strangling chickens.
Armed bands of theatre critics exterminating mutant goats.
Where's the fun in pictures?
Oh, well, there we are. Here's the theme music.
Good night.
[Monty Python instrumental theme music]
[Singing light-hearted song]
Subtitles by Softitler
An exciting and controversial examination...
of the Protestant reformer whose reassessment...
of the role of the individual in Christian belief...
shook the foundations of a post-feudal Germany...
in the grip of the 16th century.
It was a day much like any other in the quiet little town of Wittenberg.
Mamie Meyer was preparing fat for the evening meal...
when the full force of the Reformation struck.
Mamie! Martin Luther's out!
Martin Luther!
Did you get the suet, Hymie?
Oy vey! The suet! I clean forgot.
The suet? You forgot?
The lard, the fish oil, the butterfat...
the dripping, the wool grease I remembered, but the suet...
So what do you keep up here? Adipose tissue?
Look out, here he comes!
Girls, girls! Your father forgot the suet!
Hello, Martin.
- Where's the john? - We don't have one.
No john? What do you do?
We eat fat.
And that stops you going to the john?
It's a theory.
Yeah, but does it work?
- We ain't got no john. - Yeah, but do you need to go?
You know how it is with theories.
Some days they're fine, one, two, three days...
then when it looks like you're ready to publish...
whoosh! You need a new kitchen floor.
Oh, you should be so lucky!
- Do you need any cleaning inside? - No, today it's all going fine.
How about showing me the cutlery?
Martin. I've got a woman and children in there.
So, there's no problem. I just look at a few spoons.
I've got two girls in there, Martin. You know what I mean.
Honest. I don't look at your girls. I don't think about them.
There! I put them out of my mind.
Their arms, their necks, their little legs and bosoms, I wipe from my mind.
- You just want to see the spoons? - My life. That's what I want to see.
- I know I'm going to regret this. - No, listen!
Cutlery is really my thing now.
Girls with round breasts is over for me.
What am I doing? I know what's going to happen.
I'll crouch behind you.
Mamie! Guess who's come to see us?
Hymie! Are you out of your mind already?
You know how old your daughters are!
He only wants to see the spoons.
What'd you have to bring him into my house for?
Mamie, he doesn't think about girls anymore.
Mrs. Meyer, as far as girls is concerned...
I shot my wad.
- You shot your wad? - Definitely.
Which spoons do you want to view?
- I guess the soup spoons. - Now, they're good spoons.
- Got them arranged? - No, but I could arrange them for you.
Don't put yourself to no bother, Mrs. Meyer.
It's no bother. I want you to see these spoons...
like I would want to see them myself.
You're too kind, Mrs. Meyer.
You could get your daughters to show me them.
Hymie! Get him out of here!
Mamie, he only said for Audrey and Myrtle to show him the spoons.
Like you think I'm running some kind of bordello here...
Mrs. Meyer, how can you say such a thing?
Listen, Martin Luther, I know what you want to do with my girls.
Show me the spoons.
You want them to pull up their skirts and lean over a chair with their legs apart...
Mamie, don't get excited.
I'm getting excited? It's him that's excited.
My mind is on the spoons.
But you can't stop thinking of those girls over the chairs.
I need to use the bathroom.
Hymie, I'm a married woman!
So just show him the spoons.
You don't want to put nothing up me?
Mrs. Meyer, you read my mind.
Yes, another convert for the Protestants.
But despite Luther's efforts to promote sex for pleasure...
children multiplied everywhere.
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