Men In Black
Well, Nick the Dick.|What a surprise.
Where you coming from?
Fishing in Cuernavaca.
Sure. Let's take a look|at your catch.
I would've thrown them back.
What do you get?|1 00 bucks a head? 200?
Hope you saved it all for your lawyer.|You'll need it.
We'll take it from here.
Who the hell are you?
INS, Division 6.
Division 6?|I never heard of Division 6.
Who you betting on?
Tough call, Kay.
What's up, how are you?
Grandma, don't worry.
Welcome to the United States.
Where are you going, Nogales?
Looking for work?
And you, the same?
Pleasure seeing you here.
What if I break your face?
You're very ugly, no?
You don't speak a word of Spanish.
We've got a winner here.
Oh, I know.
The rest of you can leave.
Get in the truck and leave.
Sir, you can't--
Don't "sir" me, young man.
You have no idea|who you're dealing with.
Get in the truck right now!
We'll chat with our friend.|You hit the road.
Keep on protecting us from|the dangerous aliens.
You ever hear of Division 6?
There is no Division 6.
This is bullshit.
Looks like you fell off the bus|in the wrong part of town.
I'll bet you're not|from anywhere near here.
Mikey, when they let you out of jail?
You know how many treaties|you just violated?
You hand me that head.
Put up your arms and flippers.
Was not human. I know.|You got some entrails on you.
What the hell?
The situation's under control.
Give me your attention for a moment.
I'll tell you what happened.
This is called a neuralizer. It's|a gift from friends from out of town.
This red eye isolates...
...the brain's impulses,|specifically the ones for memory.
Give me a splay burn on|the perimeter...
...with holes at 40, 60,|and 80 metres...
...from right here.|Thank you.
What's going on?
The answer you're looking for|lies right here.
Who are you, really?
I am just a figment|of your imagination.
Damn, what a gullible breed.
I'm serious. You're lucky|to be alive after that blast.
The underground gas main.
You should exercise caution|before firing...
...I'll tell you that now.|Especially you.
Have yourself checked out with EMS|before you leave.
I'm sorry about back there.
Didn't used to.
The spirit's willing, Kay...
...but the rest of me....
They're beautiful, aren't they?
We never just look anymore.
I'll tell you, Kay...
...l will miss the chase.
All yours, Edwards.
Freeze means stop!
What the hell?!
It just be raining black people|in New York.
Do you see this?
Means I will knock your punk-ass down!
Yeah, and when he gets here,|I'll arrest his ass too.
You trying to catch a beat-down?
He's coming because I failed.|Now he'll kill me.
You pissing everybody off today, huh?
You don't understand.
Your world's gonna end.
What are you?
Watch that ledge. Watch the ledge.
Come on down. We'll get those|eyes fixed, don't worry.
Wait a minute.|Let me talk to you!
I work my butt off to make a living.
All I want is to come home to|a fat steak on the table...
...but instead I get this.|It looks like poison.
Don't take that away! I'm eating that!|It is poison, isn't it?
I swear, I wouldn't|be surprised if it was...
...the way you skulk like a dog|been hit too much, or not enough!
I can't decide.
You're useless, Beatrice.
The only thing that pulls its weight|around here is my goddamn truck!
What the heck is it?
Get your big butt back in the house.
Place projectile weapon on the ground.
You can have my gun...
...when you pry it|from my dead fingers.
Your proposal is acceptable.
Edgar, what on earth was that?
I've never seen sugar do that.
Give me sugar.
Your skin is hanging off your bones.
Is that better?
"The perpetrator blinked|two sets of eyelids."
Blinked with both eyes?
He blinked one set,|then a completely different set.
You know, like high beams|and low beams.
Was that before or after he drew|the weapon that you claim...
...evaporated into a million pieces?
Why is it that no other officers saw|either of these events?
Some of them are|soggy around the midsection.
They weren't able to keep up.
If you were half the man I am--
I am half the man that you are.
What is your problem?
You're in my face.
-I think he threw him off the roof.|-You next.
I wanna talk to you.
Ten minutes,|you take your best shot, tough guy.
Take 1 0 minutes on a StairMaster,|you pudgy bastard!
I believe you. Laurel Weaver.|Deputy Medical Examiner.
Find me at the morgue. I'll show you.
Wait a minute!
You're Dr. Weaver with the coroner's|office working on the John Doe?
-That's right.|-Will you look at this, please?
Some night, huh?
They were gills, not eyelids.
Gills. He was out of breath.
Who are you?
Did he say anything to you?
He said the world was|coming to an end.
Did he say when?
Would you recognize his weapon|if you saw it again?
Come on, let's take a ride.
Wait a minute. Look, I got|tons of paperwork--
It's all done.
You really ran this dude down on foot?|That's tough.
That's double tough.
So who exactly are you with?
So who exactly are you with?
I'm part of a bureau that licenses,|monitors and polices aliens on Earth.
This is where we're going?
This is Jack Jeebs' spot.
He buys from chain-snatchers.|Doesn't sell guns.
All right, look.
I'm gonna go in and put my thing down,|but when I come out, I want answers.
Okay, go put your thing down.
How did these get here?|I thought I turned them in.
I hear you're into something hotter|than stolen Rolexes.
I deal crack, but I still work here.|I love the hours.
I'm talking about guns, smart-ass!|Weird ones.
Come on!|What you see is what I got.
Show him the imports, Jeebs.
Hey, Kay. How are you?
-Show him the imports.|-I got out of that business.
Why do you lie to me?
Hold on a second.
I'll count to three.
He'll do it, Jeebs.|That man does not look stable.
You know what? He's crazy|when he's like this.
He's always crazy.|Get a massage.
Take a cruise--
-Drop the weapon.|-I warned him.
Drop the weapon!
-You warned him.|-I'll kill you.
You insensitive jerk!
Do you have any idea|how much that stings?
Show us the merchandise,|or you'll lose another head.
There, the one in the middle.
You sold a reverberating carbonizer|with mutate capacity...
...to an unlicensed cephalopoid!|You piece of--
He looked okay to me.
It was for an assassination.|The target?
I don't know.
-Goddamn it!|-I don't know!
All that's confiscated.
Be on the next transport off this rock,|or I shoot where it don't grow back.
And I'm gonna be back|to talk about them Rolexes.
Searching for a handle on the moment?
I can't help you.
The only comfort I can offer...
...is my promise that tomorrow|you won't remember a thing.
That's not exactly|some shit you forget.
Ever seen one of these?
She looks over to her husband...
...then sets it down in her lap|and says:
" Honey, this one's eating my popcorn."
This one's eating....
Gotta go.|Thanks for the egg rolls.
Wait a minute.
Who are you?
See what I mean about tequila?|You're very bright.
But you need to lay off the sauce.
I'll see you bright and early, 9:00.
...or be square.
Well, well, well.
Moving right in, are we?|Think we own the place?
I got an eviction notice for you.
Just what exactly|do you think you're doing here?
Taking care of your pest problem.
You got a hell of an infestation.
You know, I've noticed|an infestation here.
Everywhere I look, nothing but|undeveloped, unevolved...
...barely conscious pond scum...
...totally convinced|of their own superiority...
...as they scurry about their short...
Don't you wanna get rid of them?
In the worst way.
This dude gave me this card--
You're late. Sit down.
My name is Zed.
You're all here|because you're the best.
Marines, Air Force, Navy SEALs,|Army Rangers, NYPD.
We want one of you.
What will follow is|a series of simple tests...
...for motor skills,|concentration, stamina.
I see we have a question.
I'm sorry, maybe you|already answered this but...
...why are we here?
Lieutenant Jensen.|West Point graduate with honours.
We're here because you want|the best of the best of the best, sir!
What's so funny, Edwards?
Your boy, Captain America, here.
"The best of the best|of the best, sir!"
He's just really excited...
...and has no clue why we're here.
That's just very funny to me.
Y'all ain't laughing, though.
Okay, let's get going.
Wanna get down on this?
Edwards, what happened?
May I ask why you felt|little Tiffany deserved to die?
She was the only one|that seemed dangerous.
How'd you figure that?
I was gonna pop this guy|hanging from the light...
...but he's just working out.
How'd I feel if somebody bust|my ass while I'm on the treadmill?
Then I saw this snarling beast.
I noticed he had a tissue|in his hand and realized...
...he's not snarling,|he's sneezing.
Ain't no threat there.
Then I saw Tiffany.
8-year-old white girl,|middle of the ghetto...
...bunch of monsters at night|with quantum physics books?
She about to start some shit.
Those books are|way too advanced for her.
If you ask me, she's up to something.
I'd appreciate it if you|eased up about it.
Or do I owe her an apology?
Good shot, though, right?
He has a problem with authority.
So do l.
But this kid ran down|a cephalopoid on foot, boss.
That's gotta be tough enough.
Let's hope you know what you're doing.
You're everything we expect|from years of government training.
If you'll just follow me,|we have one more test to administer.
An eye exam.
Where are you going?
What the hell is all this?
In the 1 950s, the government|started an underfunded agency...
...with the laughable purpose|of establishing contact...
...with a race not of this planet.
Look at the end of this device.
Everyone thought the agency|was a joke, except the aliens...
...who made contact on March 2, 1 961|outside New York.
There were nine of us the first night.|Seven agents, one astronomer...
...and a dumb kid who'd gotten lost.
You brought that tall man some flowers.
They were a group|of intergalactic refugees.
Wanted Earth as an apolitical zone|for creatures without a planet.
You ever see Casablanca?
Same thing, except no Nazis.
We agreed and concealed|all evidence of their landing.
So these are real flying saucers|and the World's Fair was a cover-up?
Why hold it in Queens?
More nonhumans arrive every year|and live among us in secret.
Not to change the subject, but when|was the last time you got a CAT scan?
-Six months ago. It's company policy.|-Make another appointment.
Tell your boy Zed I had|an absolutely wonderful time...
...and thank you for everything,|but show me the door.
All right. I'm getting some coffee.|You want some?
No, thank you, I'm fine.
How you doing?
-That's not decaf, is it?|-Viennese cinnamon.
Don't tell me we only got powdered|stuff for cream. I hate it.
Well, that's good. Good. Good.
You guys getting along all right?
Don't work too hard.
Sure you don't want some coffee?
Here's the deal.
At any given time, there are|around 1 500 aliens on the planet.
Most of them here in Manhattan.
Most of them are decent.|Just trying to make a living.
-Cab drivers?|-Not as many as you'd think.
Humans, for the most part,|don't have a clue. Don't want one.
They're happy. They think|they have a good bead on things.
People are smart.|They can handle it.
A person is smart.
People are dumb, panicky,|dangerous animals, and you know it.
1 500 years ago, everybody knew|the Earth was...
...the centre of the universe.
500 years ago, everybody knew|the Earth was flat.
And 1 5 minutes ago, you knew that|people were alone on this planet.
Imagine what you'll know...
-What's the catch?|-The catch?
The catch is, you will sever|all human contact.
Nobody will ever know|you exist anywhere...
I'll give you to sunrise|to think it over.
Is it worth it?
Yeah, it's worth it.
If you're strong enough.
What's up, pops?
...because there's some|next-level shit going on here.
Before y'all beam me up,|there's a few things to understand.
First off, you chose me,|so you recognize the skills.
I don't want nobody calling me|"son" or " kid" or "sport." Cool?
Cool. Whatever, slick.
But I need to tell you something|about all your skills.
As of right now,|they mean precisely...
As of right now,|they mean precisely...
-Purpose of trip?|-Diplomatic mission.
Duration of stay?
Any fruits or vegetables?
You wanna stay away from that guy.
Three hours in customs|after a 1 7-trillion-mile trip...
...will make anyone cranky.
What government branch|do we report to?
-None. They ask too many questions.|-Who pays for this?
We hold patents on a few gadgets we|confiscated from out-of-state visitors.
Velcro, microwave ovens, liposuction.
This is a fascinating gadget.
It'll replace CDs soon. I'll have to|buy the White Album again.
That's fun. A universal translator.|We're not even supposed to have it.
Human thought is so primitive.|It's looked upon...
...as an infectious disease|in some galaxies.
That kind of makes you proud.
Just be calm!
Watch your head!
Someone get him some ice!
Look out! Move! Just move|when it's coming at you!
I'll pay for that!
This thing caused|the 1 977 New York blackout.
Practical joke|by the Great Attractor.
He thought it was funny.
It was a accident. Sorry.
Observation,|the heart of our endeavour.
Meet the twins, Blblup and Bob.
This map shows the location|of every alien on Earth.
Some are under constant surveillance.
Everyone on those screens is an alien.
In public, they're as normal|as you are, but in private....
You'll get the idea.
Doesn't make any sense, right?
Well, no, it makes perfect sense.
In third grade, everyone said|I was crazy, but I knew our teacher...
...had to be from Venus or something.
Ms. Edelson. Jupiter, actually.|Well, one of the moons.
...be quiet and pay attention!
If I have to tell you...
...one more time....
Let's put it on.
Put what on?
The last suit you'll ever wear.
You will dress only in attire|specially sanctioned...
...by MIB Special Services.
You'll conform to|the identity we give you...
... eat where we tell you,|live where we tell you.
From now on...
...you'll have no identifying|marks of any kind.
You will not stand out in any way.
Your entire image is crafted...
... to leave no lasting memory|with anyone you meet.
You are a rumour,|recognizable only as...
... déjà vu and dismissed|just as quickly.
You don't exist.|You were never born.
Anonymity is your name.
Silence, your native tongue.
You're no longer part of the system.
You are above the system. Over it.
We're "them. " We're "they. "
We are the Men in Black.
You know what the difference is|between you and me?
I make this look good.
We're gonna go for a little ride.
I'll put you down here for a minute,|and Daddy will be right back.
Okay, now we're ready to go|for a little ride.
We'll meet one of Daddy's friends,|and you'll like him.
Okay, let's see.
Bee, we got the deposed sur-prefect|of Singalee...
...touching down in the forest|outside Portland tonight.
-Humanoid?|-You wish. Bring a sponge.
Here. Red letter from last night.
We had an unauthorized landing|in upstate New York.
Keep your ears open|on this one.
We're not hosting an|intergalactic kegger down here.
We got a skimmer.
Landed alien out of zone.|Who is it?
He's not cleared to leave Manhattan,|but he's out of town...
...stuck on the New Jersey turnpike.
Take junior with you.
This is a good one|for him to warm up on.
Go get him, tiger.
"We're not hosting|an intergalactic kegger."
Unlimited technology from the|whole universe, and we cruise around...
...in a Ford POS.
Fasten your seat belt.
We gotta work on your people skills.
You'd get a better reaction|if you were polite.
Fasten your seat belt, please.
Good. Did you hurt yourself?
The red button there, kid.|Don't ever touch the red button.
All right, pop,|that'll be $72 there.
Okay, sweetie, let me pay|the impolite driver.
Sorry I'm late. The cab drivers|on this planet are terrible.
Your Majesty,|you are in grave danger.
Yeah, and they overcharge|you every time.
Sir, a bug landed here.|We must get you off the planet.
A bug? He must know|why I'm here.
We think he does.
Is that what I think it is?
No, just some diamonds|for your children.
Do we have time to eat?
Sure. I ordered you|some Pirogi.
Six is up!
Where is Ivan?
Gave him a break.
To the continued reign of|the Arquillian Empire.
To the safety of the Galaxy.
You can kill us both,|but you will not find the Galaxy.
You're right about one thing.
You're not going anywhere.
Your licence and registration, please.
Like to see your other licence|and registration, please.
You're restricted to Manhattan.|Where are you going, Redgie?
It's my wife. She's....|Well, look.
No big deal.
Okay, you come with me, Redge.
And you handle this.
-You just catch.|-Does he know what he's doing?
He does it all the time.|Let him work.
You're headed out of town.
-We're meeting someone.|-Who?
-It's a ship.|-I saw no departure clearance.
It's an emergency.
You're doing fine!
What kind of emergency?|What's the rush to get off the planet?
We don't like|the neighbourhood anymore.
Some of the new arrivals....
New arrivals? Have anything to do|with the crasher last night?
Excuse me, miss!
Congratulations, Redge.|It's a...
You know, it's...
...actually kind of...
Anything about that seem unusual?
What would scare Redgick so badly...
...that he'd risk a warp jump|with a newborn?
We'll check the hot sheets.
These are " hot sheets"?
Best investigative reporting on Earth.
Read The New York Times if you want.|They get lucky sometimes.
Cannot believe you're looking for tips|in the supermarket tabloids.
Not " looking for."
-Wait a minute, slow down.|-Why?
Give her time to get the wrong|impression. Makes it smoother.
Can I help you?
Yes, ma'am. I'm Agent Manheim,|this is Agent Black, FBl.
We'd like to talk about your visitor.
Gonna make fun of me too?
No, we do not have a sense of humour|we're aware of. May we come in?
Oh, yes, please.
The chief of police came|to the house...
...and did an investigation.
Took a police report and writ down|everything I said...
...not believing one thing I said.
Sort of poking fun at me.
He asked me, " lf he was murdered...
...how was he able to walk|back in the house?"
I gotta admit to you that|that one got me stumped.
I tell you, I know Edgar,|and that wasn't Edgar.
It was like something was|wearing Edgar.
Like a suit...
...an Edgar suit.
Dude was that ugly|before he was an alien.
...l come to and he's gone.
He say anything?
Yes. He asked me for some water.
Some sugar water.
I remember that right.|I thought that that was odd...
...that he asked me for sugar water|and not lemonade or ice water...
...or regular water...
All right, Beatrice.|There was no alien.
The flash of light was not a U.F.O.
Gas was trapped in a thermal pocket|and refracted the light from Venus.
Wait a minute.
That thing erases her memory,|and you just make up a new one?
A standard-issue neuralizer.
That weak-ass story is|the best you came up with?
All right. On a more personal note...
...Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend.|You'll stay with your mama...
...and decide you're better off.
Yeah, because he never|appreciated you anyway.
In fact, you know what?
You kicked him out.|And now that he's gone...
...you'll go in town,|find yourself some nice dresses.
Get yourself some shoes.|Find somewhere you could get a facial.
And hire a decorator to come|in here quick because...damn!
When do I get my own flashy...
When you grow up.
Please. Not green.
Do you know which alien leaves|a green spectral trail...
...and craves sugar water?
That was on Jeopardy last night.|Damn, Alex said it was....
Zed, we have a bug.
So....|What? We don't like bugs?
Bugs thrive on carnage, tiger.
They consume, infest, destroy,|live off the death of other species.
You were stung as a child, right?
Imagine a giant cockroach|with unlimited strength...
...a massive inferiority complex,|and a real short temper...
...is terrorizing Manhattan Island|in a new Edgar suit.
That sound like fun?
What's the move?
With a bug in town,|we'll watch the morgues.
Where do you want|contestant number 3?
Just leave it there.
What's with the cat?
There's a problem with the cat.|Sign here.
-What's the problem with the cat?|-It's your problem.
I hate the living.
Oh, my God!
Buddy, what are you?
Subject was approximately 112 degrees|at time of autopsy...
...indicating a temperature increase.
Examiner tried to verify this rectally,|but the subject had no rectum.
Which is really--
I'm Dr. Leo Manville, Department|of Public Health. This is Dr. White.
You must not have a home life.
We watch the morgues carefully.|You have something unusual?
I'd say so. Triple homicide.
The first body was normal,|except he was broken in half.
The first body was normal,|except he was broken in half.
But when I opened up|the other two, well....
Let me show you.
There's a skeletal structure|unlike anything I've seen.
I'll have a look at it.
You and Dr. Weaver|check the other body.
This way, doctor.
This one's even stranger.
I did a laparotomy.|I started with the stomach.
But we can start with the|gastroesophageal junction.
Let's start wherever you started at.
-Is this your cat?|-It is now.
It came in with the body.|Dive right in.
I'm sure he won't mind.
You have really pretty eyes.
Where the pyloric junction would be?|Push it aside.
Notice anything strange?|Stomach, liver, lungs....
Nope, all fine.
They're all missing.
That's obviously|the first thing I noticed.
What I was pointing out|is the fact that there are no...
...of them left.
You know, so they're intact...
...wherever they are whole.|That we can be sure of.
Have we met before?
I'm having a feeling of déjà vu.
-Yeah, me too.|-Really?
Wanna know what I think?|Don't tell him.
He's under enough stress.|I don't think it's a real body.
I think it's some kind of|transport unit for something else.
The question is, what?
Is this freaking you out?
You know what I like to do sometimes|when it's late?
What do you think?
Interesting. She got|a "Queen of the Undead" thing going--
Of the body.
The dead body.
You have to look at that thing.
You recognize him?
He looks like the big guy I saw|at headquarters, only deader.
What killed him?
You're up, slugger.
Look at this.
What the hell is that?
What are you saying?
What is word?
Belt? Orion's belt?
"To prevent war, the Galaxy|is on Orion's belt."
What the hell does that mean?
...whatever, come here.
Dr. Whatever? You guys aren't really|from the Department of Health.
The Arquillians won't like this.|He was one of the royal family.
This is an alien...
...and you're from a government agency|keeping it under wraps.
He said, "To prevent war,|the Galaxy is on Orion's belt."
How else do you explain New York?
I was in this cab, and this guy was--
"Galaxy on Orion's belt"|makes no sense.
That's what the little dude inside|the big dude's head said, right?
Damn, man!|You did the flashy thing already.
Whoever you are,|you'll have to show me I.D.
Of course, young lady.|Look at this for me, please.
-Would you stop that?|-What?
That thing will give her brain cancer.
Never hurt her before.|Close the doors.
Special Services will be here.
How many times have you|flashy-thinged that woman?
-Don't you worry about long-term damage?|-A little.
-Have you flashy-thinged me?|-No.
I ain't playing with you! Have you?
I think I should be in charge|of the flashy thing.
Not while I'm around.
You'll fricassee someone's brain.
We got two dead aliens and|a medical examiner needs a new memory.
Make it a happy memory.
Where is it?!
Doesn't anybody ever get|any sleep around here?
The twins keep us on Centurian time.|It's a 37-hour day.
Give it a few months.|You'll get used to it.
Or have a psychotic episode.
It's a grouping of the brightest stars|in the northern sky.
-Here's Orion's belt.|-The little guy said:
"To prevent war, the Galaxy|is on Orion's belt."
There are no galaxies|on Orion's belt.
The belt is just these three stars.|Galaxies are huge.
They're made up of billions of stars.|You heard wrong.
Look, whatever, I know what I heard.
That grumpy guy's story's starting to|come into focus a little bit here.
So you were the guy in that picture|with the flowers?
And, I take it,|she never got those flowers.
So, what, she ever get married|or anything?
They say it's better to have|loved and lost...
...than never to have loved at all.
Look at this.
They're all leaving.
We've had 1 2 jumps in the last hour.|Redgick was just the first.
What do they know that we don't?
Why does a rat desert a ship?
Give me Lem Sat 4, please,|with a proton induction thermoscan.
Thank you. Okay. Lem Sat 1 8.
All right, 4000.
An Arquillian battle cruiser.
And we've got|a dead Arquillian prince.
Speak of the devil.
They sound pissed.
Translate that. Step on it.
Go to Rosenberg's jewellery store,|and see what you can turn up.
Give the kid a weapon.
-Series 4 De-atomizer.|-That's what I'm talking about.
Kay, no, no, come on, man.
You get a Series 4 De-atomizer...
...l get a little midget Cricket?
Feel like I'm gonna break it.
Hey, this is my truck!
Make sure you tell them that|down at the impound.
Who breaks into a jewellery store|and leaves the jewels?
Somebody not looking for jewellery.
This guy had a serious crush|on his cat.
That's him. That's the bug!
In the Edgar suit!
We do not discharge our weapons|in view of the public!
We ain't got time for this bullshit!
There's a alien battle cruiser|about to--
There's always an alien battle|cruiser or a death ray...
...or an intergalactic plague|about to wipe out life on Earth.
The only way people get on|with their happy lives...
...is they do not know about it!
And don't worry about the bug.
He's not leaving town.|We got his ship.
We need a containment crew...
... on MacDougal Street.
Containment may be a moot point.|The exodus continues.
The party's over, and the last one|to leave gets stuck with the check.
You sorry little ingrates!
What about the Arquillians?
We've translated part of the message:|" Deliver the Galaxy."
-They don't want much, do they?|-Oh, it gets better.
They hold us responsible.
Where do you keep your dead?
I don't have any dead.
I don't know.
The city morgue?
That's three for a dollar, sir!
It was some light|that refracted off of Venus...
...into some swamp gas...
...and that's what made the....
All right, kid!
Excuse me.|What's up?
The Arquillians want the Galaxy,|whatever that means.
We need help, a professional...
...with years of experience|in intergalactic politics.
I hope the little twerp|hasn't skipped town.
If you'll gather over here....
That's right, move in closer.|That's good. Thanks.
If you look right here,|I'd appreciate it. Thank you.
The worst disguise ever.|He's definitely an alien.
You don't like it,|you can kiss my furry butt.
Can't talk now.|My flight's leaving in--
Get your paws off!
Call the pound!
The dog owes my friend money.
Arquillians and bugs,|what do you know?
-Nothing.|-Not a thing?
Stop, stop, stop it!|Okay, okay!
Rosenberg wasn't a two-bit Arquillian.
He was the guardian of the Galaxy.|He thought he'd be safe on Earth.
The bug had other plans.
The Galaxy is the best source|for subatomic energy in the universe.
If the bugs get it,|kiss the Arquillians goodbye.
Ask about the belt.
Rosenberg mentioned Orion's belt.|What did he mean?
-Beats me.|-Beats you?
It's a ventriloquist act.
The Galaxy is here!
A galaxy's millions of stars|and planets.
When will you learn|that size doesn't matter?
If something's important,|it doesn't mean it's not small.
The size of a marble or a jewel.
Excuse me. I gotta be walked|before my flight.
Get out of here.
If the Galaxy's here,|it's not on Orion's belt.
When you want attention....
That's a pretty name.
Yes, good, thank you.
Thank you for making sure|the bell works.
What's up, Farmer John?
A man came in here earlier.
A dead man.
And that means what to me?
It was a very dear friend of mine.
I believe he had an animal with him.
It was a gift I gave him. A pet cat.
It means worlds to me.
I'd like to have it back.
I'll need picture I.D.,|proof of ownership of the cat...
...notarized proof of kinship|with the deceased.
Don't do that.
Don't do it.
Look, Kay, let me handle this one.
All we gotta do is get a cat.|It's not that hard.
But if you go in there, you'll start|flashing your brain ray in her face.
She'll wind up with leukemia.
The doctor don't need you flashing away|her med-school classes. Five minutes.
Where's the animal?
I said I don't know.
Well, let's see if we can find it.
-How you doing?|-Hello.
I'm Sergeant Friday|from the 26th Precinct.
A cat came in with a corpse|the other day.
-"Orion" on the nametag?|-Right.
Well, this cat is a witness...
...in a murder case.|I'll need to take him.
I don't know where the cat is.
No, but maybe you could take me|with you instead.
Damn, you do start fast,|don't you?
I'd really like to go with you...
And exactly why is that?
I need to show you something.
-Girl, don't hit the gas like that!|-You don't understand.
You really need to see this.
I will. One thing. I gotta drive.|It's not some macho trip.
That's just the way I get down.
Look, stud, you're|really not getting this.
There's something I need you|to help me with.
You are thick!
How could I know?
Did I have to sing it?
You were like a drunk prom date.
Typical. Anytime a woman shows|even a hint of sexual independence--
Let her go!
...I'm on the top rung|of the evolutionary ladder.
So can it.
Show me your face,|and I'll cure your ills.
Ever pull wings off a fly?|Care to see the fly get even?
What about your ship?
If that's what you call|that trash we got locked up.
-Put your weapons down!|-Won't happen.
How is it okay?
I'm saying it's gonna be okay.
Don't bet on it, meat sack.
Let me go!
Take me here.
He's in a cab!
Don't move! Don't move!|Don't move!
Hey, man, what?
He's not leaving the planet in a cab.|Let's go.
Put up a bionet|all the way around Manhattan.
If it's not human, it doesn't leave.
What do we hear from upstairs?
" Deliver the Galaxy."
The bug's got the Galaxy,|but we got his ship.
Warning.:|Plutonic fusion detection.
Warning.:|Plutonic fusion detection.
-Why are they shooting at us?|-Battle rules.
We get an ultimatum, a warning shot,|then a galactic week to respond.
A galactic week?|How the hell long is that?
To keep the bugs from getting it,|Arquillians will destroy that galaxy.
And whatever planet it's on.
You're talking about us.
I'll get the location|of every interstellar vehicle.
I already did.|Frank took the last ship.
-Sneden's Landing and Throg's Neck.|-Gone.
-What about Atlantic City?|-Gone.
-There's Three Mile Island.|-Gone.
-Staten Island?|-Gone, thank God.
We're running out of time. If that|bug gets off Earth, we're bug food.
Hey, old guys!
Do those still work?
-You're coming with me.|-What?
It's a long trip.|I'll need a snack.
It's a long trip.|I'll need a snack.
-You know a better way to Queens?|-It'll be packed!
Remember the red button?
Push the red button.
Put on a seat belt.
You're much too tense.|You're young. Relax.
Take some joy in your work.
Do you like music?
--in Norfolk, Virginia|California on my mind
I straddled that Greyhound|And rode him into Raleigh
And on across Caroline
Somebody help me|Get out of Louisiana
There are people there|Who care a little 'bout me
-And won't let the poor boy down|-All right, now!
You do know Elvis is dead?
No, Elvis is not dead.|He just went home.
You don't wanna eat me.
I'm an important person on my planet.|Like a queen!
A goddess, even.|There are those who worship me.
I'm not trying to impress you.
I'm just saying it could start a war!
Good, war. That means|more food for my family.
All 78 million of them.|That's a lot of mouths to feed.
You're a wonderful dad,|but I'm staying here!
Now, that's what I'm talking about.
Roaches check in.
They don't check out.
Warning.: Eight minutes|to the destruction of Earth.
... to destruction.
We'll use pulsar level five|with an implosion factor.
Just shoot the damn thing|on the count of three. One...
You don't get it!
You don't matter.
In a few seconds,|you won't even be matter.
You're under arrest|for violating the Tycho Treaty.
So hand over whatever galaxy|you might be carrying...
...and put your hands on your head.
I'll put my hands...
...on my head.
That did not go the way I planned.
Don't let him on the second ship.
-What are you talking about?|-Keep him on this planet.
Where are you going?
I'm gonna get my gun back.
You know how many of your kind|I've swatted with a paper?
You're just a smear|on the sports page...
...you slimy, gut-sucking,|intestinal parasite!
You just gonna eat and run?|What about dessert?
Where you going?|This party's just getting started.
Where you going?
Where you going?
Let me tell you.
There's only one way off this planet,|and that's through me.
Where you going?
Why you running, huh?
I'm still standing.
Come on, bring it. Bring it!
I'm sorry.|Was that your auntie?
That means that's your uncle.
You all look alike.
Big, bad bug got|a bit of a soft spot, huh?
I can't understand why you gotta...
...come down here|bringing all this ruckus...
...snatching up galaxies|and everything.
My attitude is, don't start nothing,|won't be nothing.
Ease up out of my face before|something bad happens to you.
Tell the Arquillians|we have the Galaxy.
You got it, friend.
Going to get your gun back, huh?
I like this gun.
While you was in there playing around,|I was doing all the work.
I had to bean him in the head|with this big rock.
I was gonna hit him with a 2-by-4.
He kicked me. It hurt.
But then I got to the fire.|I was like that with it.
Not bad for your second|day of work, is it?
This definitely rates a 9.0|on my weird-shit-o-metre.
Should've been here for|the Zeronion migration in 1 968.
I guess you weren't even alive in '68.
Interesting job you guys have.
I know we got these rules...
...but she did help us bust that bug.
Maybe we didn't have to|flashy-thing her.
Come on. Who will she tell?|She hang out with dead people.
It's not for her.
It's for me.
Aren't they beautiful?
I never look at them anymore,|but they actually are...
Kay, you're frightening your partner.
I've been training a replacement,|not a partner.
Wait a minute, Kay.
I cannot do this job by myself.
Guys, my apartment isn't|anywhere near here.
It's not even on the same island.
Always face it forward.
I was in an interstellar|cockroach's gullet.
That's one of 1 00 memories|I don't want.
See you around.
The high consulate|from Solaxium 9...
...wants seats for the Bulls game.
Call Dennis Rodman.|He's from that planet.
Rodman? You're kidding.
Not much of a disguise.
MASH 1970 CD1
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