Mission en Marbella
I got to the Costa del Sol about 3 years ago. I had
some cash set as I de, and after dedicating my life
to law enforcement,
I moved to Marbella to take some time off
To Improve my dIet...
No, I'm full.
Hey kid, get me a low calorie dessert!
Gottawatch what I eat. You fat little slut!
Gotta love these little sluts. Russian girIs laugh at anything.
Hey, don't leave your post, baby!
She's ugly, but she'll suck you dry.
I was Ioved...
The life of the party has arrived!
What's wrong? Why all the long faces?
Come on, cheer up!
UntIIone day, ItaII feII apart.
VIIIaInous crimInaIs robbedme ofmyentIre fortune
Three times in a row! This is fucking unbelievable!
Leave it there, kid.
Leave it there, I'm going for 4. I'll buy Marbella!
Go ahead, let it ride!
Sir, the chips are each worth one million.
Wait, wait a second, wait.
A million each?
Stick it in this bag and I'll be on myway.
Like I said,
you need real balIs to play this game.
Are you saying l haven't got balIs?
Watch this. I'll bet all of it. And this.
Fine, everything. My gold cross,
my shoes, my crocodile skin shoes,
they're brand new.
The keys to the Ferrari...
That's balIs foryou.
Wait kid, before you spin...
My diamond-ruby Atletico de Madrid pin. Do it.
Gentlemen, no more bets.
Let's go, I'm on a roll.
AIone, wIthoutmoney, wIthout women...
I got to thInkIng, and...
the fightagaInstcrime... the defense oforder...
Andso, Istartedmy veryown detectIve school-agency.
José LuIs Torrente.
TORRENTE 2 MIsSlON lN MARBELLA
Cuco, lighten up. We're paIs, you know that.
l give you guys free hash one day,
and more the next day...
Do I look like the Salvation Army?
Look what we got foryou.
But only because you caught me in a good mood. I'm a saint.
Eat it! Attack!
Hey, Torrente, the Pokemon!
l finally got Pikachu.
You're risking your life, kid.
This is a killing machine.
And a faithful pet.
You mean you got a dog?
Allow me to introduce Franco, our new
-combat machine. -That's a combat machine?
A dog trained from birth
to annihilate the enemy.
-You're too much. -Hey!
He's a Rottweiler!
Are you blind? He's a Boxer.
Wait a second.
The instructions say
he's in the Pitbull family, with a ''pet degree'' and everything.
These are the voice controIs. I'll have him attack you.
He's just sniffing you first
-for drugs. -He'll get high as a kite!
Good times, Luis Alberto.
The euro's crashing, the oil supply's running out...
I'm ready for battle and I'm going to get those fuckers.
l told you, not when
I'm with Luis Alberto.
I'm sorry, sir.
My monkey has better manners.
-Yes? -Is thIs themayorofMarbeIIa?
Yes, who is it?
Wehave two Marker-17MIssIIes aImedatthe cIty.
Who gave you this phone number?
Payus twobIIIIonpesetas orwe'IIIaunch themIssIIes...
-Who was it, honey? -Some wacko.
They hung up, sir.
l see lots of pain.
So what's my surveillance zone? l can get my dad's binoculars.
Is this kid fucking stupid? Look, kid.
You're busting my balIs.
You're not qualified for surveillance,
or for anything. The only thing you're qualified for
is an ass-kicking.
Pablo, we already told you.
Bring the money orwe can't sign you up for training.
-That's right. -I'll train the dog
-ifyou want. -Go fucking train your mom.
Nice wheeIs, kid! lt's beautiful.
l told you, Torrente. Look, there's my cousin.
-How's it going? -Hey, fine, great.
-Did you get it for us? -lt's right here.
But I told you I couldn't get papers. I can't get them foryou.
You have no idea how hard it was to get it!
You brought the money, right?
No, but Cuco said this was no money down.
l even changed a tire, and the steering wheel... Damn, Cuco!
Well, we should test-drive it first anyway.
-Can I drive? -No, you get too nervous.
-Come on, that was a long time ago! -No, I know you too well.
Please let me drive. I'm a good driver.
Look, kid. Here. Finally a mission foryou.
Here's some change. Take Franco for an ice cream.
Get in, Torrente.
-This won't even buy an ice cube! -At the first stoplight
I'll take over foryou.
That fucker! My car!
-Torrente... -My car!
-Who'll pay for my car! -Torrente...
You're dead! I'll kill you!
-lt wasn't my fault! -You're a dead man!
-Come in. -Thank you.
As you can imagine, it simply can't be tolerated.
And not for financial reasons.
That's obviously not the issue.
Of course, it's a matter of respect.
Right, that's right.
-Respect. -Tell me about it.
I've been a loyal suscriber to the ABC for over 40 years.
A rigt-wing source of information is essential.
Everyday I open the door, pick up
my ABC, and read it while I drink
-As you should. -l live on the calle Maravillas.
Well, since a few weeks ago,
a group ofvandaIs
has been trampling all the grass,
turning over garbage cans, and even worse,
stealing my newspaper.
Those days are over, Mr. Guijarro. l will personally
find these animaIs
and teach them to respect private property.
I'll walk you to the door.
Just look at that.
The lmperial Eagle sure adds class
to the emblem of our fatherland.
And then that fucking constitution took it all away.
lt satisfies me to see that my case is in good hands.
See you soon.
What the fuck?
Torrente, you wanna hit?
Son of a bitch!
Come here, kid.
Look, kid. l was in deep shit,
and now look at me. I'm back.
You know how hard it was to create this emporium?
I've got loads
of important cases coming in, as you can see.
So ifyou screw up again, I'll castrate you!
Don't scream, Torrente.
Franco's very sensitive.
The mutt has diarrhea. Clean up that crap.
l have to go see another client.
She's cheating on me, l know it.
Don't jump to conclusions.
l followed her! Mywife's a hooker!
Everyday, when she thinks I'm at work,
she goes to a brothel.
But ifyou already followed her,
what do you need my services for?
l followed her,
but I didn't go in.
lf I went in and found her with another guy I'd kill her. Dead!
That's why I want you there with me. Here's her picture.
Nice big titties.
l mean... Antonio!
Put this on his tab! Let's go.
Hiring a pro was the right thing to do.
Taking justice into your own hands isn't politically correct anymore.
By the way, my payment... There's an ATM around the corner.
I'll meet you back here.
Excuse me, is this where the ladies are?
l mean hookers.
Yeah, come on in.
Go wash the cobwebs off.
Don't you like cottage cheese?
lt's my lucky day.
Fat and disgusting.
Hopefully it's tiny.
You're a riot.
Look at her.
You make much in this joint?
What do you care, scumbag?
Well, to see how much you'll pay me
not to tell your husband, who's waiting downstairs,
that you're awhore.
See if that's enough.
Right. Hey, fucking tires me out, but...
How about a little sword-cleaning?
Or I'll tell your husband.
Come on, it tastes like yogurt.
On your knees.
-You got my cash? -Yeah, here.
You're too paranoid.
lt's just a sewing shop, a bunch of nuns sewing...
-Yourwife spends all day sewing. -Sewing?
She's never sewn anything of mine!
-What's so funny? -Excuse me.
l wanted to soften the blow, but... Yourwife's a hooker. A real whore.
l mean, she really sucks great.
She's never sucked anything of mine!
Maybe you should pay her.
What is the denomination
of origin of these bananas?
They're Dominican, sir.
Dominican? Good heavens!
How many times have I told you?
Luis Alberto only eats bananas from the Canary Islands!
They ran out yesterday and I thought...
You mean, you thought?
Luis Alberto is sad. You see how drained he is?
He's very sensitive and these things
affect him a great deal. lf I dismiss
your errorwithout punishing you,
he'll think I don't care.
l just thought...
Is the garbage disposal working?
No, sir, please...
Paco, give me some change.
Quick, I've got the machine all warmed up.
I'm playing that.
No, sir. The machine belongs to everyone.
l won this money and I'm leaving. Tough luck.
-Give me that. -Hey!
-Let go! -Offwith his head!
He's taking my money! Bastard!
I'll kill you!
You hear me?
l rememberyour face!
I'll rip your head off!
I'll find you and kill you!
Get the car!
Gayolo's around here somewhere. Look, here he is.
-What are you doing? -Surveillance.
-ln your sleep? -l was just snoozing.
Tomorrow I have to get up early for my route.
That's why I offered you amphetamines. They're non-addictive.
You guys just assume that all pilIs are bad.
Sure, kid. And while you're dozing off her lover goes in,
fucks her, and you miss the shot.
Surveillance is proof-gathering. That's why her husband pays us.
I'd sayyou're going to fail another trimester.
This surveillance stuff is fucking boring.
-When do we start shooting? -Shooting?
That's all you think about. What about your inscription money?
Such ingratitude. State-of-the-art investigative technology in his hand
-and he wants a shoot-out. -You're telling me.
There's a naked chick up there.
Well, well, well. An adultress and a lesbian.
Her husband'll be so pleased when we sell him
the photos. Give me that, kid.
Just a little longer.
Give me the damn periscope!
Suck those titties!
This lady's a real swinger.
Torrente, did you hear that?
Don't bother me, this is the best part.
You scared the shit out of me!
l can't pick up the bike myself...
l have a herniated disk, my doctor told me not to lift things.
See you later.
Where the fuck have you been?
The show's over. But we got lots of nice pics.
-Look what I found foryou, Torrente. -Wow, a pin!
My favorite team, Atletico! This'll bring us good luck.
Perfect. I acquire missiles most countries would die for,
l have an entire city in check, and a few hours before,
the chip that guides and detonates them disappears. FooIs!
The intruder's gone, and Fabiano's missing.
Well, well, Fabiano.
He'd better turn up soon,
and with the detonator chip. lf not, someone
will pay dearly.
That's a nice touch, kid.
Very kind ofyou.
Sometimes I get upset with you,
but you're a great helper, Cuco.
You taught me all I know,
Can I ask you a question?
Sure, kid, sure.
Why'd they kick you off the police force?
That's something I've never, ever told anyone.
difficult experiences should be shared
with true friends.
So I'll tell you why, though it's hard for me...
lt was manyyears ago.
ln the spring of...
Shit, my route!
I'll have to charge you guys for sleeping here.
Paco, don't be ajerk.
Pour me awhisky.
-And some tortilla. -Jesus, Torrente.
Like I always say, the last drink at home...
oryou won't make it home.
Paco, give me an orange juice.
-Coming right up. -Fresh squeezed.
Sir, there are men from lnterpol here.
-Miss, it's extremely urgent. -l said you can't...
No time for protocol.
lf it's about the land claims,
it's been taken care of.
-Land claims? -No, we're here about the missiles.
We need your cooperation
for the operation.
You mean the missile threat was real?
I'm afraid so, sir. For now there's no cause for alarm.
We have an agent among Spinelli's men.
Didn't he play for Bayern Munich?
That's right, in three minutes it oxidizes and loses all the vitamins.
Though the skin is more concentrated.
-Anything besides the necklace? -No, just the diamond necklace.
lt's worth a fortune.
Yeah, but they can't tell the police because her lover gave it to her.
Mrs. KowaIski's really something.
They hired a detective,
they say he's the best. He arrives at noon,
-Maybe he'll get it back. -l hope so.
lt's 10:30, I still have time.
I'm taking the gun on this one, it's a serious case.
Here, Franco. You'll love Dexidrine.
Don't give him that crap.
He'll shit everywhere.
Take him for awalk.
l know you're in there! Stop hiding!
She's such a pain in the ass.
-Open the door. -Me?
Yeah, she likes you. Go on.
I'll bust the door in!
Hi, there. Sorry I was so harsh, but your boss
owes me a few months
Yeah, tell me about it.
He's so forgetful.
He drives me nuts.
Anyway, it must have been all that red tape stuff.
lfyou say so, I believe you.
You look like a good kid. But when you see
your boss tell him
I'm on to him.
Hey, handsome. lfyou need anything you know where to find me.
She's crazy about you.
You'll have to give her some.
What do you mean, Torrente?
Don't be coy, kid.
Those older ladies always want more.
Then give heryour dog.
I'm the detective, they're expecting me.
Wait here, I'll tell heryou're here.
Watch the backhand!
-Tighten it up! -Get the fuck out of here.
Hello, I'm Mrs. KowaIski.
-Are you from the agency? -Yes, ma'am.
Show me where the crime took place.
They broke the jewelry box, but they didn't take anything eIse.
Ma'am, the clues are visible.
To the trained eye, of course.
l was a cop for manyyears.
Don't touch anything.
Is this yours?
l was just imagining you with it on.
I'm close to finding your necklace.
-Shouldn't you question the maid? -The maid?
Lady, the only question l have for
your made is ''How much for a blowjob?''.
I'm running late, lots of cases. Maybe another time.
Could you give me an advance?
-l thought the agency handles that. -No, for transport.
Just some pocket money.
Thank you, ma'am.
Thank you very much.
-Will a photo of the necklace help? -Yes, yes.
This'll come in handy.
Right, ma'am, anytime. I'm off.
Don't bother showing me out, l know the way. Goodbye.
I'm from the agency.
Yes, about the plumbing, right?
We called last Thursday.
The whole bathroom's flooded.
Please come in.
What are you talking about?
Look, here we are.
This is it.
Keep your eyes open and your mouth shut.
And above all, kid, no distractions!
There shouIdbe a way...
TodayIfoundthataII the words...
Are you all right?
This is incredible.
She's an angel. She's...
-She sure is pretty. -No, more than pretty. More.
She's different from the rest.
My heart, kid. My heart.
l can feel it beating.
-I'm in love. -Come on, we have to investigate.
Didn't you say no distractions?
SImpIy wIth akIss...
There's just no way.
These things always turn out badly.
Come on, Mauricio. Don't be ajerk. I'm a good client.
l have plenty of good clients.
For God's sake, coveryourself.
l have plenty of sluts, too.
Place is full of them.
How old are you?
What color are your... panties?
lt's your lucky day.
l don't have anywith that little bird on them in my collection.
Throw in the panties,
and I can give you 95 grams for the necklace.
Take it or leave it.
With Mauricio Torrente
there's no haggling.
You've got a little pig in you as well.
Don't snort it all at once.
Don't be mad at Uncle Mauricio. You want some pilIs
as a tip?
Here, take them.
Oh, well, kid.
l don't see anything here that could have to do with the KowaIski case.
What do we do? File a complaint?
No, I think we'd better speak
directly to the owner.
-Come on. -I'll stay and guard yourwhisky.
Hey, kid. I want to see the owner.
You don't know me. I'm Torrente.
Go on, kid!
Go hit the gym.
Good evening, sir.
Who the fuck said you could...?
I'm not gonna hurt you.
Have you seen this necklace?
Are you a cop?
Unfortunately, for them...
I'm no longer
part of the force. I'm a private investigator now,
Let's see if I understood you right.
You come to my house, interrogate me...
lfyou want to see me you have to request an audience.
You're lucky I'm in a good mood.
l won't kick your ass this time.
Go on, get out of my sight.
lt upsets my stomach
to see a guy so stupid
Show this gentleman
Hey, there are nicerways to not cooperate!
-How did it go? -Fine, fine.
Theywere scared but I could tell they knew nothing.
Spanish brand, malt, imported, or Scotch?
l don't care. But let the lady serve me, you're too ugly.
l think we followed a faIse lead. These things happen
sometimes, it's inevitable.
-Then let's go, Torrente. -What's the hurry?
-l have to go deal some drugs. -Deal drugs?
Occasionally, just to make ends meet.
No excuses, kid. You know how I feel about drugs.
You have to take them with moderation, like me.
Or eIse you become a social outcast, one of those pariahs.
You want to end up marginal? Maladjusted?
Come on, grab the glass.
A junkie took the chip from you?
-A fucking junkie. -And the chip
is inside a pin
with the insignia of Atletico de Madrid?
Fucking right. I had it.
lt was a stroke of bad luck.
l promise I'll get it back. Give me time.
You don't have much. Spinelli's looking foryou
so he can repayyour loyalty.
lfyou don't find the detonator in 48 hours,
we'll save him the trouble.
Dad, the artist is here.
You're going to describe for this gentleman
the junkie who robbed you.
You can't trust anyone these days.
Leaving his surveillance post like that... Gayolo's a disaster.
Well, having to get up early and all..
That's no way to be a detective.
That bitch is up there
with some jerk...
The thing is, unless they stand by the window,
-we're out of luck. -We'll have to wait.
This is the hardest part of being an investigator.
The waiting, so long and boring,
like a Sundaywithout soccer.
Let's jerk each other off.
With our hands or mouths?
You're a freak. You pig.
Can you reach?
That son of a bitch!
lt's the husband!
He said he'd be gone till Saturday!
Another case fucked to hell.
The photos are useless now.
-Sell them to the tabloids. -The tabloids!
l don't know, his expression... he looked dumber.
-Dumber than this? -Yes.
Tomorrow morning all our associates
will have a copy.
Come early tomorrow, we have lots to do.
And I want you to walk the dog. Bye.
Could I staywith you tonight?
-My folks are pissed off at me. -Why?
My mom drives me crazy.
Now she's saying that I take things from home...
Go on, go on.
-Thanks. -l hope you don't snore.
Bad news, kid. The sofa's mine, you get the chair.
What have we here?
Just who I'm looking for.
We were on ourway to see you, ma'am. We have the money.
Well, we had it.
But the kid...
He got mugged.
They took his wallet.
The gold mastercard, all his cards, his money...
l was opening the office so he could sleep here. He lost his keys, too.
How could the boy sleep in that pigsty?
Yeah, that's right. Maybe...
you could put him up?
You finally said something that makes sense. Come on, honey.
-Go on. -I'll make room foryou.
Did you eat dinner? You must be starving.
Go get her, champ!
Come to mama, sugar.
No, no, no.
Franco, you faggot!
I'll bet you've been out sucking other dogs' asses. Damn dog.
Kid, we've got work to do.
Are you okay?
I'm ready, Torrente.
Here, for the road, my love. Bacon with tomato and fried peppers.
Thanks, baby doll.
We have to gather information, kid! Whywere you in there for so long?
You know, Torrente. Living the vida loca.
I'll smack you one.
Look, there he is.
What's up, Torrente?
-l have ajob foryou. -You do?
What do you make of this?
This is dangerous, Torrente.
I'm not ready to die yet.
Elite forces are involved.
Top ranks of the higher archy.
-What about the necklace? -What necklace?
The one in the photo!
l thought you meant the ring.
What about the ring?
l told you, it's dangerous. l can't say more.
Got any change?
lt's not about money, Torrente.
This ring can only be
international affairs for the FBl.
They're having an important party tonight.
At the American Consulate. They often show up
-around there. -We'll be there.
-l owe you one. -Give me something!
Here, fucking take it! You're too impatient!
The kids are naturaIs at advertising!
''Where the cops can't reach, Torrente lnvestigations''.
This is fucking cool.
l can break a few windows ifyou want.
-Didn't I tell you to fuck off? -Here's one:
''lf anyone bugs you at all, give Torrente a call''.
Are you stupid?
''Is peace your objective? Torrente Detective''.
''Be intelligent, call Torrente''.
Run to Mommy, shithead!
How about it, Torrente? I'm ready for my diploma.
lt was good, but... all in due time.
Looking good, Tirillas.
Just stop stealing the newspapers on the calle Maravillas, okay?
Mr. Torrente, sir.
We told Cuco, my cousin and I are quitting.
We're becoming security guards.
Security guards, my Lord!
My mom needs an operation.
We need that money we loaned you back.
No, of course, I'll payyou back.
-Pay him, Gayolo. -Me?
We'll give you the diploma, and the next trimester free.
-Will I get to shoot? -Sure as shit!
Torrente, this is Sebas. He's new.
He's a retard!
He's a good kid. And with Tirillas and his cousin quitting...
What is this?
20 thousand pesetas from my mom in case of loss or emergency.
-And the whistle? -ln case someone tries to rob me.
Like I said, dumb as dirt.
-Gayola didn't even cover half of it. -lt's all I have.
Don't worry, Geronimo.
Relax, Tirillas. You know I'm good for it.
Listen up, kid.
You want to be one of us?
You're one of us now.
And since we
have an emergency, and that's emergency money...
No! Mush! Mush!
What are you doing? Mush! Mush!
Bad boy! Very bad!
One more time. You're one of us,
and we have an emergency,
so if this money is emergency money... lt's ours, you got it?
That's more like it.
What are you doing, you retard?
The cops! The cops! Quick!
What's going on?
Those damn friends ofyours. We ran our asses off!
l sure envy those guys.
14 paychecks, a badge, an official car,
-servants of the State... -Come on, Torrente.
You'll be a cop again someday, you'll see.
lt's fucking hot as hell.
-Let's go investigate that pool. -There?
-We don't have... -Wake up, kid.
Members of law enforcement don't pay in this country.
-Got a swimsuit? -No.
No matter. Today's underwear looks the same.
-That's true. -Hide the clothes.
Too bad we didn't bring Franco, he could sure use a bath.
Fuck are you looking at?
l hadn't noticed, Torrente.
-You have tits! -What?
They're pectoraIs! My pecs! l should kick your ass!
Don't get so riled up.
Come on! I want desire! Not kittens, tigers!
Come on, wet those lips! That's more like it!
Don't you have this feeling like we're being followed?
No, it's more like...
The Americans call it:
''constantension''. Detectives get it. Constant tension.
But I'd already noticed, kid. I'm a pro.
Put that on, don't be such a scumbag.
Isn't the water great, Torrente?
Not just the water, kid.
Some fine females here.
Nice and clean.
Did you see that?
-See what? -A nigger!
-He's a good diver. -Diver?
How can they let a nigger share the water I swim in? Fucking sickos!
-How far can they go? -Excuse me.
Could you exit the pool?
Why? What's wrong?
Peeing in the pool is prohibited.
What? Who peed?
Look, we add a chemical solvent to the pool.
lt reacts with urine. So that the kids don't pee...
And who's gonna make us leave?
lt's not about not leaving, that's not the issue.
Since you look undecided,
why don't you discuss it with my colleague?
Shit, man! Another nigger! Let's go.
lt wasn't me, maybe it was one of those little drops in my shorts
reacting to amino acids in the pool...
Yeah, right. You peed, just like me.
So this is
the junkie who stole the chip?
Yeah, the guy from the sketch. He's with your relative.
My relative? What relative?
-The fat ass from yesterday! -Sure.
He said his name was Torrente, so I let him in.
How could you think someone with such a stupid face
could be part of this family?
Don't insult the family.
lt can't be!
Of all the people in Spain,
it had to be this one,
in particular, who comes and fucks up my plan.
We've almost located them.
l suspect that the fool with the junkie
could be a nephew of mine.
lfyou have to kill him,
don't let that stop you.
Sir, Fabiano's alive. Apparently he had a partner in the robbery.
A small-time fence who owns a club. Mauricio Torrente.
They plan to sell the chip to the highest bidder.
I'm getting nervous. l need that detonator.
l don't care about the money.
l just want to blow up the city.
Right, Luis Alberto?
l don't understand. Why the fuck does your brother have to come along?
He says it's his car, and he trusts no one.
-Either he drives or no car. -Damn!
Come on, let's go!
Let's go, Luisito.
l can't fucking believe this!
l knew we'd need invitations to get in this place.
Thank God I have a strategic plan.
You stay here, in case we have to make a getaway. Give me those.
Hurry up, I have to be home by two.
You brought fucking Cinderella!
Lie down over there in the street and act like you're hurt.
What's your problem?
What is that?
lt's not believable.
Put your heart into it.
Good, good. That's it, very realistic.
Another, get ready!
Mr. and Mrs. Schneider Torres.
Mr. and Mrs. Gutierrez de Osma.
Mr. and Mrs.
Rodríguez Montalbo Winterbourne Alexander de Gayarre.
We left the others at home.
You see that, kid? Piece of cake.
And now, time to investigate.
Usual routine, right? You take the cocktaiIs, I'll cover the appetizers.
One second, boss.
Let's go outside. What luxury!
You see him? Kunta Kinte.
lt's all in the clothes, kid.
l feel elegant, seductive... Don Juan, basically.
What? You look like awaiter, Torrente.
You're a retard.
Here. Watch and learn.
Have we met?
Not yet, baby.
But that can easily be changed.
Not so fast, honey.
l want to tell you a secret.
Did you know awoman's body
has five chicken parts?
Look: the left wing,
the gizzard, the breast,
and the wishbone!
She didn't like that at all!
The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings.
ln that tiny thing? They'd never fit!
Come on, there's an empty room.
The safety of Europe is in good hands.
lfyou can stop them,
we have to pay two billion.
-Did he say two billion? -Shut up!
As we speak, lnterpol has
several special units
working on the matter.
Special units, lnterpol, two billion pesetas!
This is my dream case.
And here we are, so close, scraping the surface...
The necklace, the ring...
lnterpol never faiIs. I'm handling the case personally.
Tomorrow we have an emergency meeting
in the Golden Gate at noon.
Did you hear that? You got the name?
-Golden Gate? -Don't forget it.
Coveryourself, kid. You're giving me a hard on.
There could be a clue in there.
I'll open the database.
-Got any coke? -What, to snort right now?
Aren't we working? l don't understand.
I'll add it to what you already owe me.
I'll slap you.
What are you doing?
Look, you retard. I'm gonna smack you.
-Torrente! How did you know? -Well, I could smell it.
And those years in the ClA.
How do we get in?
Let me think...
Quick, what day is it?
No, the date.
Let's get outta here!
Fary's playing. I've had tickets for months.
-Torrente! -No time to lose!
Relax, the snitch is reliable.
He saw them in the Consulate ten minutes ago. We've got them!
Cheer up, Torrente.
Someday Farywill play at your own party,
You're the greatest.
And you're about to solve a huge case.
That girl over there can't keep her eyes offyou.
l just can't right now... I'm in love.
No, but I think...
She's awhore, Torrente.
Well, in that case...
Let's see what she wants.
-Hey, handsome. Looking for company? -No, thanks, I have a dog.
Hey, baby. What's up?
-What's your name? -Lulu, my name's Lulu.
But call me anything you want.
And when I say anything you want,
l mean... anything.
You have a... You're a guy.
Do you mind?
Well, as long as you don't charge me extra.
She wanted 15 thousand pesetas, the fucking bitch.
Not even for Claudia Schiffer.
What's your problem?
No, I'm studying. Drinking's bad.
What the fuck? lt's better than being ajunkie, like your brother.
Look at me, drinking since I was ten, and I'm strong as a bull.
lt's not fair.
They can't just cancel a concert for no reason.
With all those chicks outside! Fary's an asshole!
He can fucking go to hell!
-Who said that? -What's your problem?
Who the fuck said that?
You, on your knees!
Say that Fary's the best singer in Spain.
Fary... best singer... in Spain.
Now say that Fary's God.
Fary is God.
Good. Say that...
your mother's awhore,
and she eats Fary's bugars. No,
don't say that.
Everyone knows that already. Sing the ''Torito''!
-l don't know it. -You don't?
What the fuck?
lt went off!
-You son of a bitch! -Asshole!
What a fucking mess!
You hear him squealing like a pig? l barely grazed his ear.
What a crybaby!
-Where's your brother? -He stayed with the transvestite.
What about the car?
That's my Cuco!
But let me drive. lt's my brother's car.
l don't care whose car it is,
ifyou're with me, you're not driving. Coming or not?
You're making me crazy.
l swear theywere at the Consulate.
Shit! There they are! Turn around!
l think we're being followed.
We've got them. Speed up!
Don't be paranoid, kid.
They are following us.
You see? I was right.
-Let me drive! -Hey!
Call the Argentinian.
No! I fucking said no!
I'll run the light
and we'll lose them.
-No, we won't fit! -You'll see.
Shit! Not that way!
The fat guywho robbed Grandma! Hurry up!
There, we lost them.
We've been taken out of service.
They're headed yourway.
Cousin! Look what those jerks did to dad's truck!
We'll sue their asses!
-Oh, yeah! -We'll sue their asses.
Now somebody eIse is following us!
Let me drive.
l fucking said no! No! I'll kick your ass!
Faster! They're on our tail!
l should have driven, Torrente.
Faster, and get down, like in movies!
What do you mean?
Fuck, that was cool!
Here, kid. Since you wanted to drive.
lfyou don't come early, there's no space for the umbrella.
''The early bird gets the worm''.
Relax everyone. We're all right.
The umbrella broke the fall.
My God, he's having a stroke!
What's wrong with this man?
Get the pilIs, kid. We have first aid.
There you go, that should help.
Which fucking pill did you give me?
-How should I know? I have so many. -You dumbshit!
You should clean the place up. lt looks ransacked.
Because it's been ransacked! Someone broke in here.
l always keep everything
-spick and span. -Oh, no!
What is it?
Franco... is dead.
Just an innocent dog... He can't even go to heaven.
lt should have been me.
They try to kill us in the car, they ransack my place, and now this.
He was such a good dog.
This means we're on the right track.
Or that we have something those fuckers want.
-lt was my fault. -What?
Last night at the Consulate l took something.
That could be the key! Sure! lt all makes sense now!
We have to go to that meeting!
-Quick! -Wait for me!
Wait, don't leave me! l want to go, too!
''Golden Gay''. Are you sure this is it, kid?
That's what they said. ''Golden Gay''.
Yeah, sounds like American to me.
Very important people bathe here.
All right, let's go.
Strange place to hold a meeting.
Torrente, I'm gonna look over there. I'll be right back.
Fine, let me know ifyou see anything strange.
Don't get any ideas. I'm more than you could handle.
Back to your comics.
We got it, kid, we got it.
l don't know exactlywhat, but it could solve the case.
l have more news foryou.
Monolito, what luck.
-We need you urgently. -What's up?
l need you to give me a clinical analysis of this... and this.
This is faggot stuff.
Very faggot stuff.
Very big faggot stuff.
lt's not the right lead. lt's a faIse lead.
The man you want, the one who has the necklace,
is staying in the Hotel Don Miguel, in room 651.
-You dropped this. -Yes, thanks.
That's me! lt looks just like me.
Great, very nice. 651.
-Let's go. -Excuse me.
You mind if I keep this?
Of course not. We owe you one.
Not at all! What are friends for?
We'll take Gayolo. I'll charge him for training.
-That Manolito sure knows a lot. -Yeah, he's a good man.
Hey, what's happening?
Look, I sent those guys over, the ones you're looking for.
Yeah, where you said.
Okay? And my payment? Great, thanks.
This feeIs so good!
That's it. They're on theirway over.
We have them. Pass the fucking ball!
You're all alone!
Hotel Don Miguel.
This is your final exam, Gayolo. An international mystery.
-Will there be people with guns? -l hope not.
651. This is it.
-What are you doing? -Knocking.
I'll smack you!
Watch the pro.
The referee's blind!
That's a goal.
Fuck, they have guns!
Don't fucking push!
Get the guns! Quick!
Out of the way!
We have to get out of here. The balcony!
-We can jump to the pool from here. -No fucking way.
This thing is loose.
-Like Butch and Sundance! -They die in the end.
Come on, just do it.
-lt's too far! -Don't be ajinx.
One, two and three!
You see? I was right.
Quick! To the other room!
The terrace! Hurry!
They're jumping across!
Kill him! Shoot!
We almost got killed!
We've got them shitting in their pants.
l need awhisky.
And we can see your lady.
My love and a cocktail.
That's what I need, a drink.
Shit, kid. lf not a car, then a motorcycle.
Anything but having to walk everywhere.
AII those thIngs...
There she is, kid.
She's so beautiful. I can't resist.
-She's not much of a singer. -What do you know about art?
DIscreetIy, you came tome...
Such a deep... voice.
I'm going over there. Wait for me.
FIIIIngmyheart wIth dIsmay...
In yourstrange world...
You see that, kid?
She gestured to me. I've got her in my pocket.
She looked at me. She...
You won't believe it.
What the fuck?
-They're here. -Who?
Those two fuckers sure have balIs.
That's all for now, baby. I'll finish you later.
Bring them to me.
Fine, don't push!
Don't be stupid, son.
Well, well, well.
Back for more?
Well, I kind of fell for the singer.
in peace. No ass-kicking necessary.
And I see you've brought it.
This? I always carry it with me. lt was a gift.
And is it... authentic?
Eight red and white stripes,
the bear, the tree and the 7 stars. As authentic as it gets.
He's got balIs.
l like that. You want something in exchange, right?
No, sir. I wouldn't trade my colors for anyting.
He's got balIs, but...
l don't think he's right in the head.
Look, let's be reasonable.
There must be something here that you like, right?
The picture for the pin?
Sure. lt's a deal. Fine with me.
losers weepers''. No regrets.
See you later.
Easy, fellas! Let's be friends!
Call Spinelli and arrange the exchange.
We'll take the two fooIs with us, just in case.
You know what this frame is worth?
I'll use it for one of my big titty calendars.
There's the singer.
She's about to leave. Go talk to her.
-Now? -lt's now or never.
Seize the day, like you always say.
Yeah, that's true.
I'm the guy from before.
Well, you see...
Well, I really like you. You're really hot.
And... ifyou wanna come with me to a party,
or out for drinks... Would you like to go out with me?
Look, listen up.
lf it meant my familywould get chopped into pieces,
and the end of the human race as we know it,
l still would never go out with you.
Is that a ''no''?
Is this guy bothering you?
What's up, fat boy? Got a problem?
How'd it go, Torrente?
She's not as pretty up close.
-Hey! -What's going on?
l hope you don't mind coming along.
l didn't want you to miss the party.
The truth is, I'm not really in the mood.
What's wrong? Are you sad?
They're all bitches. Except my mom, of course.
Your mom as well.
How did you get this?
Because I'm your father.
No, that's impossible.
Yes, my son.
Though that doesn't mean
I'm feeling proud now that I've met
That means you're... Uncle Mauri.
Mauricio Torrente. Uncle Mauri.
They said you got lost in Venezuela.
Is that what they said?
Your fatherwas a shithead. Since he was a kid.
A shithead and a pansy.
What people call a real loser.
And a bastard.
l was there to give your mother a little pleasure.
And then you came along.
Cut the sissy crap, you fag.
What does worry me
is the mess you got into with the chip.
The chip? What chip?
We're here, sir.
We'll clear it up later.
And now... Let the party begin.
You brought what you stole from me?
l recovered what was stolen from you.
You have my reward?
Yes, of course.
we can't give you the money without assurance
that the chip works and is authentic.
That's logical. One of my sons
and one of my best men
will staywith you as hostages
until you've confirmed the chip's authenticity.
-What's this about, Dad? -Relax.
That's fine with me.
You're really foxy.
-What's going on? -Hey, no pushing!
Hey, show a little respect!
Good work, boys.
Now let's have a little champagne.
And count the money to make sure it's all here...
Come in, Mayor.
Like I said, we have a mole inside.
He's been undercoverwith the terrorists for2 months.
We've been after that damn Spinelli foryears.
The situation's under control, Captain.
Apparently they recovered the detonator chip.
But our man's about to act. Listen.
Luis Alberto, sorry for leaving you alone for so long.
The money's not there yet, sir.
But we have 5 minutes.
They're pushing their luck.
They're pushing their luck.
I'd never been on a boat, Torrente. Isn't this cool?
Is this going to take long? We've got things to do.
The chip works?
Still checking, sir.
That's the guy from the FBl!
Freeze! Special forces!
Sir, agent 091 has been eliminated.
Won't this endanger the operation, Captain?
We have two helicopters, a special boarding team and an automatic
Still, could we evacuate the city in let's say... 5 minutes?
Nobody has ever laughed at Mauricio Torrente!
When this is over I'd like to know who the idiot was
who gave a computer technician job
to an FBl spy.
Sir, the chip's authentic. We're ready.
Is the money in Switzerland?
Arm the missiles.
lt's done, sir. The countdown has begun.
Well, in five minutes Marbellawill be destroyed.
Oh, well. lnform the bridge.
Kill those two.
Freeze or the monkey gets it!
No, please, sir... Stay calm.
lt's one of a kind, he belongs
to a species on the brink of extinction.
l assure you, in good times, l can be very good.
But if something happens
to the monkey, anything at all...
Even if it's the last thing I do in this life,
He bit me!
The fucker bit me! l could get syphillis!
l want my money!
What have you done, you lunatic?
For now, I'm going to sink your ship.
How can you sink it with us inside?
Is that man your father?
A missile came loose.
lt'll explode on the ship!
lt's your turn.
Look, that's the secret exit to my escape vessel. We can leave together.
l have all the moneyyou could want at my refuge in Estepona.
Shoot the man that killed my beloved Luis Alberto.
Pay no attention to him, Dad.
My own flesh and blood?
A bastard, maybe.
But with feelings, preoccupations...
l don't mean to rush such a delicate decision,
but this is going to explode.
l can give you 200 million in cash.
Sometimes a father must make such difficult decisions.
Now, kid! There's no time to lose!
This way, he said
this was the emergency exit.
We can't leave! Our friends and families are in Marbella!
-What? -Tirillas, Sebas, my brother...
Kid, this place is going to blow!
But there's a missile aimed at Marbella!
Okay, let's do it. l think this is the joystick.
This must be here.
Look, it's moving!
-Aim for the sea, Torrente! -Fuck the sea, kid!
Since we're already here... Gibraltar!
Spanish or nothing!
There. Here we go.
We'll go and call for back up.
Son of a bitch!
lf I'd known it was going to work, I'd have aimed at France.
But your dad's back there with the other missile.
Don't worry about him, he's resourceful.
He's probably already on top of things.
He's got that guywith the monkey by the balIs.
Holy shit! Unbelievable!
lt's tough, kid.
Losing a father.
But I've lost two now, so I'm used to it.
Come on, we've got a long way to go.
lt is our honor to decorate this man,
who in risking his life,
saved the city of Marbella. We're proud to return him
to the police force.
He should never have left.
He'll be given a post...
Whatever theywant, but far away from Marbella.
...to serve the community once again.
l knew he'd go far.
l am what I am thanks to all ofyou. Viva España!
Fresh fish for sale! Sardines, mackerel! Come and get it!
Please don't do this.
lt's parked fine, there's no sign or anything...
Please don't tow it away.
Lady, it's parked on the yellow line.
Are you nuts?
3 centimeters! You can't do this!
Miss, don't get hysterical.
-We might... -I'll pay the fine.
Just leave it here.
l need it, it's urgent. Please.
Tough luck, sugar.
Cuco, let's go.
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