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Monty Pythons Life of Brian

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Who are you?|We are three wise men.
What?|We are three wise men.
Well, what are you doing creeping around|a cow shed at 2:00 in the morning?
That doesn't sound|very wise to me.
We are astrologers.|We have come from the east.
Is this some kind of joke?
We wish to praise the infant.
We must pay homage to him.
Homage? You're drunk!|It's disgusting!
Out the door! Out! Bashing me with|tales about Oriental fortunetellers.
Come on, out!|No, no. We must see him.
Go and praise someone else's brat.|We were led by a star.
Led by a bottle,|more like. Go on out.
We must see him.|We have brought presents.
Out!|Gold, frankincense, myrrh.
Well, why didn't you say?|He's over there.
Sorry the place|is a bit of a mess.
Well, what is myrrh anyway?|It is a valuable balm.
A balm? What are you giving him|a balm for? It might bite him.
What?|That's a dangerous animal.
No, it isn't.|Yes, it is.
It's great big and|No, it is an ointment.
Well, there is an animal|called a balm... or did I dream it?
So you're astrologers, are you?|Well, what is he, then?
Hmm?|What star sign is he?
Well, Capricorn.|Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
He is the Son of God,|our Messiah.
King of the Jews!
That's Capricorn, is it?|No, that's just him.
Oh, I was gonna say, otherwise|there would be a lot of them.
By what name are you calling him?|Uh, Brian.
We worship you, O Brian,|who are lord over us all.
Praise unto you, Brian, and|to the Lord, our Father. Amen.
You do a lot of this, then?|What?
This praising.|No, no, no, no.
Well, if you're|dropping by again, do pop in.
And thanks a lot for|the gold and frankincense.
But don't worry too much|about the myrrh next time, all right?
Thank you.|Goodbye.
Well, weren't they nice?
Out of their bloody minds,|but still... Iook at that!
Here! Here!
That That's mine!|Hey, he's a baby! Oh!
Shut up!
" Brian "
" The babe they called Brian "
" He grew "
" Grew, grew and grew "
" Grew up to be "
" Grew up to be "
" A boy called Brian "
" A boy called Brian "
" He had arms and legs "
" And hands and feet "
" This boy "
" Whose name was Brian "
" And he grew "
" Grew, grew and grew "
" Grew up to be "
" Yes, he grew up to be "
" A teenager called Brian "
" A teenager called Brian "
" And his face became spotty "
" Yes, his face became spotty "
" And his voice|dropped down low "
" And things started to grow "
" On young Brian and show "
" He was certainly no "
" No girl named Brian "
" Not a girl named Brian "
" And he started to shave "
" And have one off the wrist "
" And want to see girls "
" And go out and get pissed "
" A man called Brian "
" This man called Brian "
" The man they called Brian "
" This man called "
" Bri "
Aah!
How blessed are those who know|that He's a god.
How blessed are the sorrowful.|They shall find consolation.
How blessed are those|of gentle spirit.
They shall have the earth|for their possession.
How blessed are those|who hunger and thirst...
to see right prevail.
They shall be satisfied.
How blessed are those|whose hearts are pure.
They shall see God.
Speak up!|Shhh. Quiet, Mum.
Well, I can't hear a thing.|Let's go to the stoning.
Shhh!|We can go to a stoning anytime.
Oh, come on, Brian.|Will you be quiet?
Don't pick your nose.
I wasn't picking my nose.|I was scratching.
You was picking it|while you was talking to that lady.
I wasn't.|Leave it alone. Give it a rest.
Do you mind?|I can't hear a word he's saying.
Don't you "do you mind" me!|I was talking to my husband.
Well, go and talk to him somewhere else.|I can't hear a bloody thing.
Don't you swear at my wife.
I was only asking her to shut up so|we can hear what he's saying, Big Nose.
Don't you call my husband "Big Nose".|Well, he has got a big nose.
Could you be quiet, please?|What was that?
I was too busy|talking to Big Nose.
I think it was,|"Blessed are the cheese makers".
What's so special|about the cheese makers?
Well, obviously, it's not meant|to be taken literally.
It refers to any manufacturers|of dairy products.
See, if you hadn't been going on,|we'd have heard that, Big Nose.
Hey! Say that once more,|I'll smash your bloody face in.
Better keep listening. Might be a bit|about, "Blessed are the Big Noses".
Oh, lay off him.
Oh, you're not so bad|yourself, Conch Face.
Where are you two from,|Nose City?
One more time, mate, I'll|take you to fuckin' cleaners!
Language!|And don't pick your nose.
I wasn't gonna pick my nose.|I was gonna thump him!
Hear that? "Blessed are the Greek".|The Greek?
Well, apparently|he's going to inherit the earth.
Did anyone catch his name?|You're not gonna thump anybody.
I'll thump him|if he calls me "Big Nose" again.
Oh, shut up, Big Nose.|Oh! Right. I warned you.
I really will slug you so hard|Oh, it's the meek!
"Blessed are the meek"!|Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
I'm glad they're getting something,|'cause they have a hell of a time.
Listen, I'm only telling the truth.|You have got a very big nose.
Hey, your nose gonna be three foot wide|across your face when I'm finished!
Shhh!|Who hit yours, then?|Goliath's big brother?
Oh. Right.|That's your last warning.
Oh, do pipe down.
Silly bitch.|Get in the way on me.
Oh, come on.|Let's go to the stoning.
All right.
Blessed is just about anyone with|a vested interest in the status quo.
Well, what Jesus fails to appreciate|is it's the meek who are the problem.
Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg.|Yes, I see.
Oh, come on, Brian. They're gonna|stone him before we get there.
All right.
That's disgusting.
It's the chap with a big nose's fault.|He started it all.
Oh, I hate wearing these beards.
Why aren't women allowed|to go to stonings, Mum?
It's written, that's why.
Beard, madame?
Oh, look, I haven't got time|to go to no stonings.
He's not well again.
Stone, sir?
No, they got them up there,|lying around on the ground.
Oh, not like these, sir.|Look at this.
Feel the quality of that.|That's craftsmanship, sir.
Well, all right. We'll have two|with points and a big, flat one.
Can I have a flat one, Mum?|Shhh!
Sorry. Dad.|All right.
Two points, two flats|and a packet of gravel.
Packet of gravel. Should be|a good one this afternoon.
Who?|Local boy.
Oh, good.|Enjoy yourselves.
Matthias, son|of Deuteronomy of Gath?
Do I say yes? Yes.|Yes.
You have been found guilty|by the elders of the town...
of uttering|the name of our Lord.
And so as a blasphemer...
you are to be stoned to death.
Look, I'd had a lovely supper,
and all I said to my wife was,
"That piece of halibut|was good enough for Jehovah".
Blasphemy! He said it again!
Did you hear him?
Really!
Are there any women|here today?
Very well. By virtue|of the authority vested in me
Ow! Lay off!|We haven't started yet!
Come on!|Who threw that?
Who threw that stone?|Come on.
She did! She did!
He did! He did!
Sorry. I thought|we'd started.
Go to the back.
Always one, isn't there?|Now, where were we?
Look, I don't think it ought to be|blasphemy, just saying "Jehovah".
You're only making it|worse for yourself.
Making it worse?|How could it be worse?
Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
I'm warning you, if you say|"Jehovah" once more
Right.|Who threw that?
Come on.|Who threw that?
Him, him, him.
Was it you?|Yes.
Right|Well, you did say "Jehovah".
Stop! Will you stop that?
Stop it! Now, look!|No one is to stone anyone...
until I blow this whistle.
Do you understand? Even and I want|to make this absolutely clear
Even if they do say "Jehovah".
Good shot! Bravo!
Have I got a big nose, Mum?|Oh, stop thinking about sex.
I wasn't!|You're always on about it,|morning, noon and night.
"Will the girls like this?|Will the girls like that?
Is it too big?|ls it too small?"
Here you are, mate.
Bless you, sir.|Alms for the poor.
Alms for a leper.|Alms for an exleper.
Bloody donkey owners.|All the same, ain't they?
Never have any change.|Oh, here's a touch.
Spare a talent for an old exleper?|Buzz off!
Spare a talent|for an old exleper?
A talent?|That's more than he earns in a month!
Half a talent, then.|Now, go away!
Come on, Big Nose, let's haggle.|What?
You open at one shekel.|I start at 2,000. We close about 1,800.
No.|1,750?
Go away!|1,740?
Leave him alone!|All right, two shekels.|Isn't this fun, eh?
Look, he's not giving you|any money, so piss off!
All right. Half a shekel|for an old exleper?|Did you say "exleper"?
Sixteen years behind the bell,|and proud of it, sir.
Well, what happened?|I were cured, sir.
Cured?|Yes, a bloody miracle, sir.
Well, who cured you?|Jesus did, sir.
I was hopping along,|minding my own business.
All of a sudden,|up he comes, cures me!
One minute,|I'm a leper with a trade;
next minute,|my livelihood's gone.
"You're cured, mate".|Bloody dogooder.
Well, why don't you go and tell him|that you want to be a leper again?
I could do that, sir.|Yeah, I could do that, I suppose.
I was gonna ask him if he'd|make me a bit lame in one leg|during the middle of the week.
You know, something beggable but not|leprosy, which is a pain in the ass.
Brian! Come and clean|your room out!
There you are.|Thank you, sir. Thank
Half a denary?|Me bloody life story.
There's no pleasing|some people.
That's just|what Jesus said, sir.
Oh!|Good afternoon.
Oh, uh, hello, officer.
I'll be with you in a few|moments, all right, dear?
What's he doing here?|Don't start that, Brian.|Go and clean your room out.
Bloody Romans!|Now look, Brian.
If it wasn't for him,|we wouldn't have all this.
And don't you forget it.|We don't owe the Romans anything, Mum.
Well, that's not entirely true.|What do you mean?
Well, you know you were|asking me about your|My nose?
Yes. Well, there's a reason|it's like it is, Brian.
What is it?
Well, I suppose I should've|told you a long time ago
What?|Well, Brian...
your father|isn't Mr. Cohen.
Well, I never thought he was.|None of your cheek!
He was a Roman, Brian.
He was a centurion|in the Roman army.
You mean you were raped?|Well, at first, yes.
Who was it?|Naughtius Maximus, his name was.
Promised me|the known world, he did.
I was to be taken to Rome,|housed by the Forum
slaves, asses' milk,
as much gold as I could eat.
Then he, having his way|with me, he had
Vroom, like a rat out of an aqueduct!|The bastard!
Yeah, so next time you go on|about the bloody Romans,
don't forget|you're one of 'em!
I'm not a Roman, Mum!|And I never will be!
I'm a kike, a Yid,|a hebe, a hooknose!
I'm kosher, Mum! I'm a Red Sea|pedestrian, and proud of it!
Sex, sex, sex. That's all|they think about, huh?
Well, how are you,|then, officer?
Ladies and gentlemen,|the next contest...
is between...
Frank Goliath,|the Macedonian babycrusher,
and Boris Mineburg.
Larks' tongues.|Wren's livers.
Chaffinch brains.|Jaguars' earlobes.
Wolf's nipple chips. Get 'em|while they're hot. They're lovely.
Dromedary pretzels, only half a denar.|Tuscany fried bats.
I do feel, Reg, that any|antilmperialist group like ours...
must reflect such a divergence|of interest within its power base.
Oh, great. Francis?|Yeah, I think Judith's point|of view is very valid, Reg,
provided the movement|never forgets...
that it is the inalienable|right of every man|Or woman.
or woman|to rid himself
Or herself.|or herself
Agreed.|Thank you, brother.
Or sister.|Or sister.
Where was I?
I think you finished.|Oh, right.
Furthermore, it is|the birthright of every man
Or woman.|Why don't you shut up about women?
Women have a perfect right|to play a part in our movement.
Why are you always on|about women, Stan?
I want to be one.
What?|I want to be a woman.
From now on, I want you all|to call me "Loretta".
What?|It's my right as a man.
Well, why do you want|to be Loretta, Stan?
I want to have babies.
You want to have babies?
It's every man's right|to have babies if he wants them.
But you can't have babies.|Don't you oppress me.
I'm not oppressing you.|You haven't got a womb.
Where is the fetus|gonna gestate?
You're gonna keep it|in a box?
Here, I've got an idea.
Suppose you agree that|he can't actually have babies,
not having a womb which is|nobody's fault, not even the Romans'
but that he can have|the right to have babies?
Good idea, Judith.|We shall fight the oppressors...
for your right to have|babies, brother
Sister. Sorry.|What's the point?
What?|What's the point of fighting|for his right to have babies...
when he can't have babies?
It is symbolic of our|struggle against oppression.
Symbolic of his struggle|against reality.
It's dangerous out there.
Larks' tongues. Otters' noses.|Ocelot spleens.
Got any nuts?|Haven't got any nuts. Sorry.
I've got wrens' livers,|badger spleens|No, no, no.
Otters' noses?|I don't want that Roman rubbish!
Why don't you sell proper food?|Proper food?
Yeah, and not those rich,|lmperialist tidbits.
Well, don't blame me.|I didn't ask to sell this stuff.
All right.|Bag of otters' noses, then.
Make it two. Thanks, Reg.|Two.
Are you the Judean People's Front?|Fuck off!
What?|Judean People's Front!
We're the People's Front of Judea!
Judean People's Front!|Wankers.
Can I join your group?|No. Piss off.
I didn't want to sell|this stuff. It's only a job.
I hate the Romans as much as anybody!|Shhh. Shhh!
Are you sure?|Oh, dead sure. I hate the Romans.
Listen, if you wanted|to join the P.F.J.,
you'd have to really|hate the Romans.
I do.|Oh, yeah? How much?
A lot.
Right. You're in.
Listen. The only people|we hate more than the Romans...
are the fuckin'|Judean People's Front.
Yeah!|Splitters!
And the Judean Popular People's Front.|Oh, yeah! Splitters!
And the People's Front of Judea.|Splitters!
What?|The People's Front of Judea.
We're the People's Front of Judea!
Oh. I thought we were|the Popular Front.
People's Front!
What happened to the Popular Front?|He's over there.
Splitter!
Oh! I think I'm about|to have a cardiac arrest.
Absolutely dreadful.
Brother! Haha!|What's your name?
Brian. Brian Cohen.
We may have a little job|for you, Brian.
What's this, then?|"Romanes eunt domus"?
"People called Romanes,|they go the house"?
Ilt says "Romans, go home".
No, it doesn't.|What's Latin for "Roman"?
Come on!|"Romanes"?
Goes like?|"Annus"?
Vocative plural of "annus" is?|"Anni"?
"Romani".
"Eunt"? What is "eunt"?|"Go".
Conjugate the verb "to go".
"lre, eo, is, it,|imus, itis, eunt".
So "eunt" is?
Third person plural,|present indicative. "They go".
But "Romans, go home" is|an order, so you must use the
The imperative.|Which is?
Um, oh, oh, "i".
How many Romans?|Aah! Plural, plural.
"Ite".|"Ite".
"Domus"? Nominative?
"Go home". This is motion|towards, isn't it, Brian?
Dative!
No, not dative!
Accusative, accusative!
"Domum", sir. "Ad domum".|Except when "domus" takes the
Locative, sir.|Which is?
"Domum".|"Domum".
"Um".
Understand?|Yes, sir.
Now, write it out 100 times.
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.|Hail Caesar, sir.
Hail Caesar. If it's not done|by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you.|Hail Caesar and everything, sir.
Finished!
Right. Now,|don't do it again.
Hey, bloody Romans!
We're gettin' in through the|underground heating system here,
up through into the main|audience chamber here,
and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here.
Having grabbed his wife, we inform|Pilate that she is in our custody...
and forthwith issue our demands.
Any questions?|What exactly are the demands?
We're giving Pilate|two days to dismantle...
the entire apparatus of|the Roman lmperialist State,
and if he doesn't agree|immediately, we execute her.
Cut her head off?|Cut all her bits off.
Send them back|on the hour, every hour.
And, of course, we point out|that they bear...
full responsibility|when we chop her up...
and that we shall not submit|to blackmail.
No blackmail!
They bled us white, the bastards.|They've taken everything we had.
And not just from us. From our fathers|and from our fathers' fathers.
And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.|Yeah.
And from our fathers'|fathers' fathers' fathers.|Don't labor the point.
And what have they ever|given us in return?
The aqueduct.|What?
The aqueduct.
Oh, yeah, yeah.|They did give us that.
And the sanitation.
Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg.|Remember what the city used to be like.
Yeah, I'll grant you,|the aqueduct and sanitation are|two things the Romans have done.
And the roads.|Well, obviously the roads.
I mean, the roads go|without saying, don't they?
But apart from the sanitation,|the aqueduct and the roads
lrrigation.|Medicine.
Education.|Yeah, all right. Fair enough.
And the wine.
Yeah, that's something we'd really miss,|Reg, if the Romans left.
Public baths.|And it's safe to walk|in the streets at night.
Yeah, they certainly keep order.|They're the only ones who could|in a place like this.
All right, but apart from|the sanitation, the medicine,
education, wine, public order,|irrigation, roads,
the fresh water system|and public health,
what have the Romans|ever done for us?
Brought peace.|Oh, peace! Shut up!
I'm a poor man.|My sight is poor.
My legs are old and bent.
It's all right, Matthias.
It's all clear.
Well, where's Reg?
Oh, Reg. Reg, Judith.
What went wrong?|The first blow has been struck.
Did he finish the slogan?|A hundred times,
in letters ten foot high,|all the way around the palace.
Oh, great. Great.
We We need doers|in our movement, Brian,
but before you join us, know this:
There is not one of us who|would not gladly suffer death...
to rid this country of|the Romans once and for all.
Oh, yeah, there's one.
But otherwise, we're solid.|Are you with us?
Yes.
From now on you shall be called|"Brian that is called Brian".
Tell him about the raid|on Pilate's palace, Francis.
Right.|This is the plan.
Now, this is the palace|on Caesar's Square.
Our commando unit will approach|from Fish Street under cover of night...
and make our way|to the northwestern main drain.
If questioned, we are sewage workers|on our way to a conference.
Reg, our glorious leader|and founder of the P.F.J.,
will be coordinating consultant|at the drain head,
though he himself will not be taking|part in any terrorist action...
as he has a bad back.
Aren't you going to come with us?|Solidarity, brother.
Oh, yes, solidarity, Reg.
Once in the sewer,|timing will be of the essence.
There is a Roman feast later|in the evening, so you must move fast.
And don't wear|your best sandals.
Turning left here, we enter the|CaesarAugustus memorial sewer,
and from there proceed|directly to the hypocaust.
This has just been retiled. So,|terrorists, careful with those weapons.
We will now be directly beneath|Pilate's audience chamber itself.
This is the moment for Habbakuk|to get out his prong.
Shhh. Shhh.
Campaign for Free Galilee.
Oh, uh, People's Front|of Judea. Officials.
Oh.|What's your group doing here?
We're gonna kidnap Pilate's wife,|take her back, issue demands.
So are we. That's our plan.|What?
We were here first.|What do you mean?
We thought of it first.|We did!
Yes, a couple of years ago.|We did!
Come on. You got all your demands|worked out, then?
Of course we have.|What are they?
Well, I'm not telling you.|Oh, come on!
That's not the point.|We thought of it before you.
Did not!|We did!
You bastards, we've been|planning this for months.
Well, tough pity for you,|Fish Face. Oh!
Brothers, we should|be struggling together.
We mustn't fight each other.
Surely, we should be united|against the common enemy.
The Judean People's Front!
No, no, the Romans!
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, he's right.
Right. Where were we?|You were gonna punch me.
Brothers!
What
You lucky bastard.
Who's that?
You lucky, lucky bastard.
What?|Quite the little jailer's pet, are we?
What do you mean?|You must've slipped him a few shekels.
Slipped him a few shekels?|You saw him spit in my face.
Oh, what wouldn't I give|to be spat at in the face!
I sometimes hang awake at night|dreaming of being spat at in the face.
Well, it's not exactly friendly.|They have me in manacles.
Manacles?
My idea of heaven is to be|allowed to be put in manacles...
just for a few hours.
They must think the sun shines|out of your ass, son.
Oh, lay off me!|I've had a hard time!
You've had a hard time?|I've been here five years.
They only hung me the right way|up yesterday, so don't you
All right, all right.
They must think|you're Lord God Almighty.
What will they do to me?|Oh, you'll probably|get away with crucifixion.
Crucifixion?|Yeah, first offense.
Get away with crucifixion?|It's
Best thing the Romans ever did for us.|What?
Oh, yeah, if we didn't have crucifixion,|this country'd be in a bloody mess.
Guard!|Nail him up, I say!
Guard!|Nail some sense into him!
What do you want?
I want you to move me to another cell.
Aah!|Oh, look at that! Bloody favoritism.
Shut up, you!|Sorry.
Now take my case.|They hung me up here five years ago.
Every night, they take me down for|20 minutes, then they hang me up again,
which I regard as very fair|in view of what I've done.
And if nothing else, it's|taught me to respect the Romans,
and it's taught me that you'll|never get anywhere in this life...
unless you're prepared to do|a fair day's work for a fair day's
Oh, shut up!
Here.|Pilate wants to see you.
Me?|Come on!
Pilate? What's he want|to see me for?
I think he wants to know which way up|you want to be crucified.
Nice one, centurion. Like it.
Shut up!|Right, right.
Terrific race, the Romans.|Terrific!
Hail Caesar.|Hail.
Only one survivor, sir.|Oh. "Thwow" him to the floor.
What's that?|Throw him to the floor.
Oh.
Now, what is|your name, Jew?
Brian, sir.|"Bwian", eh?
No, no. Brian.
Aah!
The little rascal|has "spiwit".
Has what, sir?|"Spiwit".
Yes, he did, sir.
No, no. "Spiwit", "bwavado",|a touch of "dewwingdo".
Oh, uh, about 11, sir.
So, you dare to "waid" us?
To what, sir?
"Stwike" him, centurion,|very "woughly".
Aah!|And "thwow" him to the floor, sir?
What?|"Thwow" him to the floor again, sir?
Oh, yes, "thwow" him|to the floor, please.
Aah!|Now, Jewish "wapscallion"
I'm not Jewish.|I'm a Roman.
A "Woman"?|No, no. Roman.
Aah!
So, your father was|a "Woman". Who was he?
He was a centurion|in the Jerusalem garrison, sir.
Really?|What was his name?
"Naughtius Maximus".
Centurion, do you have|anyone of that name in the garrison?
Well, no, sir.
Well, you sound very sure.|Have you checked?
Well, no, sir.|I think it's a joke, sir.
Like, uh, "Sillius Soddus"|or "Biggus Dickus", sir.
What's funny|about "Biggus Dickus"?
Well, it's a joke name, sir.
I have a very great|friend in Rome called Biggus Dickus.
Silence!|What is all this insolence?
You will find yourself|in gladiator school "vewy" quickly...
with "wotten" behavior like that.
Can I go now, sir?|Aaah!
Wait till Biggus Dickus|hears of this.
"Wight"! Take him away!
Oh, sir, he|I want him fighting wild,|"wabid" animals within a week.
Yes, sir.|Come on, you.
I will not have my friends|"widiculed" by the common "soldiewy".
Anyone else feel like|a little giggle...
when I mention my "fwiend",
Biggus...
Dickus?
What about you?|Do you find it "wisible"...
when I say the name...
Biggus... Dickus?
He has a wife, you know?
You know what she's called?
She's called "lncontinentia".
"lncontinentia Buttocks".
Shut up!|What is all this?
I've had enough of this|"wowdy", "webel" behavior!
Silence! Quiet!|"Pwaetowian" guards!
Seize him! Seize him!|Blow your noses and seize him!
Hmm? Hmm.
Oh, you lucky bastard.
And the bezan|shall be huge and black...
And the eyes thereof red with|the blood of living creatures!
And the whore of Babylon...
shall ride forth|on a threeheaded serpent!
And throughout the lands|there'll be a great rubbing of parts.
The demon shall bear|a ninebladed sword.
Ninebladed not two|or five or seven, but nine
which he will wield on all wretched|sinners, just like you, sir, there.
And the whoring shall be|on the head of Addius.
There shall in that time|be rumors of things going astray,
um, and there shall be a great confusion|as to where things really are.
And nobody will really know|where lieth...
those little things...
with the sort of raffia work|base that has an attachment.
At this time, a friend|shall lose his friend's hammer,
and the young shall not know|where lieth...
the things possessed|by their fathers...
that their fathers put there|only just the night before about 8:00.
Yea, it is written|in the Book of Cyril...
in that time
How much, quick?|It's for the wife.
Oh, uh, 20 shekels.|Right.
What?|There you are.
Wait a minute.|What?
We're supposed to haggle.|No, no, no. I've got to get
What do you mean, no?|I haven't got time.
Well, give it back, then.|No, no. I just paid you.
Burt, this bloke won't haggle.|Won't haggle?
All right.|Do we have to?
I want 20 for that.|I just gave you 20.
Are you telling me|that's not worth 20 shekels?|No.
Feel the quality.|That's none of your goat.|I'll give you 19, then.
No, no, no. Do it properly.|What?
Haggle properly. This isn't worth 19.|You just said it was worth 20.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.|Come on, haggle.
All right, I'll give you ten.|That's more like it.
Ten? Are you|trying to insult me?
Me with a poor, dying|grandmother? Ten?
All right, I'll give you 11.|Now you're gettin' it.
Did I hear you right? Eleven?|This cost me 12. You want to ruin me?
Seventeen?|No, no, no, no. Seventeen.
Eighteen.|No, no. You go to 14 now.
All right, I'll give you 14.|Fourteen? Are you joking?
That's what you told me to say!|Oh, dear.
Oh, tell me|what to say, please!
Offer me 14.|I'll give you 14.
He's offering me 14 for this!|Fifteen!
Seventeen. My last word. I won't take|a penny less, or strike me dead.
Sixteen.|Done.
Nice to do business with you.
I'll throw you in this as well.|I don't want it, but thanks.
Burt.|All right, all right.
Now, where's the 16 you owe me?|I just gave you 20.
Right. That's four I owe you, then.|That's right. That's fine.
I've got it here somewhere.|That's four for the gourd.
Four? For this gourd?
Look at it! It's worth ten|if it's worth a shekel.
You gave it to me for nothing.|Yes, but it's worth ten.
All right, all right.
No, no, no, no.|It's not worth ten.
You're supposed to argue.|"Ten for that? You must be mad".
Oh, well.|One born every minute.
Daniel.|Daniel.
Job.|Job.
Joshua.|Joshua.
Judges.|Judges.
And Brian.|And Brian.
I now propose that all seven|of these exbrothers...
be now entered in the minutes|as probationary martyrs to the cause.
I second that, Reg.|Thank you, Loretta. On the nod.
Siblings, let us not|be down on it.
One total catastrophe like this...
is just the beginning!
Their glorious deaths|shall unite us all in
Look out!
Hello?
Matthias?
Reg?|Go away.
Reg, it's me, Brian.
Get off!|Get off out of it!
Stan!|Piss off.
Yeah, piss off.|Bugger off.
Oh, shit!
Coming.
Yea, verily at that time it is|written in the book of Obadiah,
a man shall strike his donkey|and his nephew's donkey.
My eyes are dim.|I cannot see.
Are you Matthias?|Yes.
We have reason to believe|you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth,
a member of the terrorist organization,|the People's Front of Judea.
Me? No.|I'm just a poor old man.
I have no time|for lawbreakers.
My legs are grey.|My ears are nulled.
My eyes are old and bent.
Quiet!|Silly person.
Guards, search the house.
You know the penalty|laid down by Roman law...
for harboring|a known criminal?
No.|Crucifixion.
Oh.
Nasty, eh?|Could be worse.
What do you mean,|"Could be worse"?
Well, you could be stabbed.
Stabbed? Takes a second.|Crucifixion lasts hours.
It's a slow, horrible death.
Well, at least it gets you|out in the open air.
You're weird.
No, sir.|Couldn't find anything, sir.
Well, don't worry.|You've not seen the last of us, weirdo.
Big Nose.|Watch it!
Whew, that was lucky.
I'm sorry, Reg.
Oh, it's all right.|He's sorry.
He's sorry he led the Fifth Legion|straight to our headquarters.
Well, that's all right,|then, Brian. Sit down.
Have a scone.|Make yourself at home. You klutz!
You stupid, birdbrained,|flatheaded
My legs are old and bent.
My ears are grizzled. Yes?
There's one place|we didn't look. Guards!
I'm just a poor old man.
My nose is knackered.
Have you ever seen|anyone crucified?
Crucifixion's a doddle.
Don't keep saying that.
Found this spoon, sir.
Well done, sergeant.
We'll be back, oddball.
Open up!
You haven't given us|time to hide.
ln that time|The serpent, he shall strike you
Holes from every bitch|you got germs from|Jumbo jets
Don't pass judgement|on other people...
or you might|get judged yourself.
What?|I said, don't pass|judgement on other people...
or else you might|get judged too.
Who, me?|Yes.
Thank you very much.|Not just you. All of you.
That's a nice gourd.|What?
How much do you want for the gourd?|You can have it.
Have it?|Yes. Consider the lilies.
Don't you want to haggle?|No. In the field.
What's wrong with it?|Nothing. Take it.
Consider the lilies?|Well, the birds, then.
What birds?|Any birds.
Why?|Well, have they got jobs?
Who?|The birds.
Have the birds got jobs?
What's the matter with him?|Says the birds are scrounging.
The point is, the birds,|they do all right, don't they?
Well, good luck to 'em.|Yeah, they're very pretty.
Okay. And you're much more|important than they are, right?
So what are you worrying about?|There you are. See?
I'm worrying about what|you've got against birds.
I haven't got anything|against the birds.
Consider the lilies.|He's having a go at the flowers now!
Give the flowers a chance.|I'll give you one for it.
It's yours.|Two, then.
Look, there was this man,|and he had two servants.
What were they called?|What were their names?
I don't know.|And he gave them some talents.
You don't know?|Well, it doesn't matter.
He doesn't know|what they were called!
They were called Simon and Adrian.|You said you didn't know!
It really doesn't matter. The point is,|there were these two servants.
He's making it up as he goes along.|No, I'm not!
And he gave them|Wait, were there three?
Oh, he's terrible.
There were two or three.|Oh, get off!
Now hear this!|Blessed are they...
Three.|who convert their neighbor's asses.
For they shall inhibit their girth.|Rubbish!
And to them only shall be given
to them only...
shall be given
What?|Hmm?
Shall be given what?|Oh, nothing.
What were you going to say?|Nothing.
Yes, you were going to say something.|No, I finished.
Tell us before you go.|I'm finished.
No, you don't.|Why won't he tell?
Won't say!|It ain't a secret, is it?
Must be, otherwise he'd tell us.|Tell us.
Leave me alone.|What is the secret?
ls it the secret of eternal life?|He won't say.
If I knew the secret|of eternal life, I wouldn't say.
Leave me alone!|Just tell me, please.
We were here first.
Go away!|Tell us, master.
ls that his gourd?|Yeah, but it's under offer.
This is his gourd.
Ten!|It is his gourd!
We will carry it|for you, master.
Master?|He's gone!
He's been taken up.
He's been taken up!
Nineteen!|No, there he is. Over there.
Look! Oh! Oh!
He has given us a sign.
He has given us his shoe!
The shoe is the sign.|Let us follow his example.
What?|Let us, like him, hold up one shoe!
For this is his sign that all|who follow him shall do likewise!
Yes!|No, no. The shoe is a sign...
that we must gather shoes|together in abundance.
Cast off the shoes.|Follow the gourd!
No, let us gather shoes|together! Let me!
No, it is a sign that, like him, we must|think not of the things of the body...
but of the face and head.
Give me your shoe!|Get off!
Follow the gourd,|the Holy Gourd of Jerusalem!
The gourd!|Hold up the sandal,|as he has commanded us.
It is a shoe!|It's a sandal!
No, it isn't!|Cast it away!
Put it on!|Clear off!
Take the shoes|and follow him!
Come back! Stop!
Let us Let us pray.
Yea, he cometh to us...
Iike the seeds of the grain.
Master! Master!
Hey! ls there|another way down?
Is there another path|down to the river?
Please, please help me.|I've got to get
Oh, my foot! Oh
Shhh.|Oh, damn, damn, damn!
I'm sorry.|Oh, damn, damn it! Blast it!
I'm sorry. Shhh.|Don't you "shhh" me.
Eighteen years of total silence,|and you "shhh" me!
What?|I've kept my vow for 18 years...
Not a single, recognizable,|articulate sound has passed my lips.
Could you be quiet|for another five minutes?
It doesn't matter now.|I might as well enjoy myself.
For the last 18 years,|I've wanted to shout...
and sing and scream|my name out!
Shhh. Shhh.|Oh, I'm alive!
" Hava nagila, hava nagila "
" Hava nagila "
Oh, I'm alive! I'm alive!|Hello, birds. Hello, trees.
I'm alive! I'm alive!
" Hava nagila|Hava n'ra, n'ra "
Master! Master! Master!
Master!|The master! He is here!
His shoe led us to him!
Speak! Speak to us, master.|Speak to us!
Go away!
A blessing! A blessing!
How shall we go away, master?
Oh, just go away|and leave me alone!
Give us a sign!
He has given us a sign!|He has brought us to this place!
I didn't bring you here.|You just followed me.
Oh, it's still a good sign|by any standard.
Master, your people|have walked many miles to be with you!
They are weary|and have not eaten.
It's not my fault|they haven't eaten.
There is no food|in this high mountain!
What about the juniper|bushes over there?
A miracle! A miracle!
He has made the bush|fruitful by his words!
They've brought forth|juniper berries.
Of course! They're juniper bushes!|What do you expect!
Show us another miracle.
Do not tempt him, shallow ones!
Is not the miracle of|the juniper bushes enough?
I say, those|are my juniper bushes!
They are a gift from God.|They're all I've got to eat.
I say, get off those bushes.|Go on. Clear off.
Lord, I am affected|by a bald patch.
I'm healed!|The master has healed me!
I didn't touch him!
I was blind,|and now I can see!
A miracle! A miracle!
Tell them to stop it.
I hadn't said a word|for 18 years till he came along.
A miracle!|He is the Messiah!
He hurt my foot!
Hurt my foot!|Hurt mine!
Hail Messiah!|I'm not the Messiah.
I say you are, Lord, and I should know.|I've followed a few.
Hail Messiah!
I'm not the Messiah!|Will you please listen?
I'm not the Messiah!|Do you understand? Honestly!
Only the true Messiah|denies his divinity.
What? Well, what sort of chance|does that give me?
All right,|I am the Messiah!
He is!|He is the Messiah!
Now, fuck off!
How shall we|fuck off, O Lord?
Just leave me alone!
You told these people|to eat my juniper berries!
You break my bloody foot,|you break my vow of silence...
and then you try to clean up|on my juniper bushes!
Lay off!|This is the Messiah, the Chosen One!
No, he's not.|An unbeliever!
An unbeliever!|Persecute. Kill the heretic!
Seize him!|Leave him alone!
Leave him alone!
Leave him alone.
Let him go! Please!
Brian?|Judith?
Cockadoodledoo!
Look! There he is!|The Chosen One has woken!
Brian!
Brian!|Hang on, Mother!
Shhh.
Hello, Mother.|Don't you "Hello, Mother" me!
What are all those people|doing out there?
Well, I|Come on. What have you been up to?
I think they must have|popped by for something.
Popped by?|Swarmed by, more like.
There's a multitude out there!
They started following me yesterday.
Well, they can stop|following you right now.
Now, stop following my son!
You ought to be|ashamed of yourselves.
The Messiah! The Messiah!|Show us the Messiah!
The who?|The Messiah!
There's no messiah in here.
There's a mess, all right,|but no messiah. Now, go away.
Brian! Brian!
Right, my lad.|What have you been up to?
Nothing, Mum.|Come on, out with it.
Well, they think|I'm the Messiah, Mum.
What have you|been telling them?
Nothing. I only|You're only making it|worse for yourself.
I can explain.|Let me explain, Mrs. Cohen!
Your son is a born leader.
Those people out there are following him|because they believe in him.
They believe he can give them hope|hope of a new life,
a new world,|a better future!
Who's that?
That's Judith, Mum.|Judith, Mother.
Hmm. Aaah!
Ohhh!|Messiah! Messiah! Messiah!
Messiah!|Show us the Messiah!
Now, you listen here.|He's not the Messiah!
He's a very naughty boy.|Now, go away!
Who are you?|I'm his mother, that's who.
Behold his mother!|Behold his mother!
Hail to thee,|mother of Brian!
Blessed art thou!|Hosanna!
All praise to thee,|now and always!
Well, now don't think|you can get around me like that.
He's not coming out,|and that's my final word.
Now, shove off!|No!
Did you hear what I said?|Yes!
Oh, I see.|It's like that, is it?
Yes!|Oh, all right, then.
You can see him for one minute,|but not one second more!
Do you understand?|Yes.
Promise?|Well... all right.
All right, here he is, then.|Come on, Brian. Come and talk.
But, Mum, Judith.|Oh, leave that Welsh tart alone.
I don't really want to.
Brian! Brian!|Brian! Brian!
Good morning.|A blessing! A blessing!
No, no. Please.|Please, please listen.
I've got one or two|things to say.
Tell us!|Tell us both of them!
Look, you've|got it all wrong.
You don't need to follow me.
You don't need|to follow anybody.
You've got to think|for yourselves.
You're all individuals.
Yes, we're all individuals!
You're all different.
Yes, we're all different!
I'm not.|Shhh.
You've all got to work it|out for yourselves.
Yes, we've got to work it|out for ourselves!
Exactly.
Tell us more!
No! That's the point!|Don't let anyone tell you what to do!
Otherwise Ow!
That's enough.|That's enough.
Ooh, that wasn't a minute!
Oh, yes it was!|Oh, no it wasn't!
Now, stop that!|And go away!
Excuse me?|Yes?
Are you a virgin?|I beg your pardon!
Well, if it's not a personal|question, are you a virgin?
If it's not|a personal question?
How much more personal|can you get?
Now, piss off!
She is.|Yeah, definitely.
Morning, Savior.
Lay your hands|on me, quick!
Now, don't jostle|the Chosen One, please.
Don't push that baby|in the Savior's face.
I say, could you just|see my wife?
You'll have to wait,|I'm afraid.
We've got|a luncheon appointment.
The lepers are queuing.
My brotheronlaw|is the exmayor of Gath!
Brian, can I introduce|the gentleman who's letting us|have the Mounts on Sunday?
Don't push!|And keep the noise down!
Those possessed by devils,|try and keep them under control.
Incurables, you'll just|have to wait for a few minutes.
Um, women taken in sin, line up|against that wall, will you?
Brian? Brian,|you were fantastic.
You weren't so bad yourself.
No. What you said just now.|It was quite extraordinary.
What?|All that, was it?
We don't any leaders.|You're so right.
Reg has been dominating us|for too long.|Well, yes.
It needed saying,|and you said it, Brian.|You're very attractive.
It's our revolution.|We can all do it together.
I think. I think|We're all behind you, Brian.
The revolution is in your hands!|What?
No, that's not|what I meant at all!
You're fuckin' nicked,|me old beauty.
Right.
Stop it.
Well, "Bwian", you've given us|a good "wun" for our money, what?
But this time, I "guawantee"|you will not escape.
Guard, do we have any|"cwucifixions" today?
139, sir. Special celebration.|Passover, sir.
Right. Now we have 140.|Nice, round number, eh, Biggus?
Hail Caesar!
Hail.|The crowd outside getting restless.
Permission|to disperse them, please.
Disperse them?|I haven't addressed them yet.
I know, sir, but
My "addwess" is one of|the high points of the Passover.
My "fwiend" Biggus Dickus has|come all the way from "Wome".
Hail Caesar.|Hail "Thaesar",
You're not
Are you not thinking of giving it|a miss this year, then, sir?
Give it a miss?
Well, it's just that they're in|a rather funny mood today, sir.
"Weally", "centuwion", I'm "surpwised"|to hear a man like you...
"wattled" by|a "wabble" of "wowdy" "webels".
Uh, a bit thundery, sir.|Take him away.
I'm a Roman!|Il can prove it! Honestly!
And "cwucify" him well.|Yes.
Biggus.
Il really wouldn't, sir.|Out of the way, "centuwion".
Let me come with you,|Pontius.
I may be of "thome" "athistance"|if there is a "thudden" "crithis".
Right. Now item four:|Attainment of world supremacy|within the next five years.
Uh, Francis, you've been|doing some work on this?|Yeah. Thank you, Reg.
Well, quite frankly, siblings,|I think five years is optimistic...
unless we can smash the Roman Empire|within the next 12 months.
Twelve months, yeah?|Twelve months.
And let's face it, as empires|go, this is the big one,
so we gotta get up off our asses|and stop just talkin' about it.
Hear! Hear!|It's action that counts, not words.
And we need action now!|Hear! Hear!
You're right. We could|sit around here all day,
talkin', passin' resolutions,|makin' clever speeches.
It's not gonna shift|one Roman soldier!
So let's just stop gabbin' on about it.|It's completely pointless.
And it's gettin' us nowhere.|Right!
I agree. This is a complete|waste of time.
They've arrested Brian!|What? What?
They dragged him off!|They want to crucify him!
Right! This calls|for immediate discussion!
What?|lmmediate!
Right.|New motion?
Completely new motion.|Uh, that, uh,
that there be|immediate action
Once the vote has been taken.|Obviously once the vote's been taken.
You can't act on a resolution|till you've voted on it.|Reg, let's go now, please!
Right! ln the light of fresh|information from Sibling Judith.|Not so fast, Reg.
Reg, for God's sake!|It's perfectly simple.
All you've got to do|is to go out of that door now...
and try to stop the Romans|nailing him up!
It's happening, Reg!|Something's actually happening, Reg!
Can't you understand?
Oh!
Ooh. Ooh. Yup.
A little ego trip|from the feminists?
What?|Oh, sorry, Loretta?
Uh, read that back,|would you?
Next? Crucifixion?
Yes.|Good.
Out of the door,|line on the left, one cross each.
Next? Crucifixion?
Yes.|Good.
Out of the door,|line on the left, one cross each.
Next? Crucifixion?
Uh, no, freedom.|Mmm? What?
Uh, freedom for me.|They said I hadn't done anything,
so I could go free|and live on an island somewhere.
Oh. Well, that's jolly good.|Well, off you go then.
No, I'm only pulling your leg.|It's crucifixion, really.
Oh, I see.|Very good, very good.
Well, out of the door|Yeah, I know the way. Out the door,
one cross each,|line on the left.
Line on the left. Yes, thank you.
Crucifixion? Good.|Yes.
People of "Jewusalem",
"Wome" is your "fwiend".
To "pwove" our "fwiendship",|it is "customawy" at this time...
to "welease" a "wandewer"|"fwom" our "pwisons".
Whom would you|have me "welease"?
"Welease" "Woger"!
"Welease" "Woger"!|"Welease" "Woger"!
"Vewy" well,|I shall "welease" "Woger"!
Sir, uh, we don't|have a Roger, sir.
What?|Uh, we don't have anyone|of that name, sir.
Ah. We have no "Woger".
Well, what about|"Wodewick", then?
Yeah! Release "Wodewick"!|Release "Wodewick"!
"Centuwion",|why do they titter so?
Just some,|uh, Jewish joke, sir.
Are they... "wagging" me?
Oh, no, sir.
"Vewy" well.|I shall "welease" "Wodewick"!
Sir, we don't have a Roderick, either.
No "Woger", no "Wodewick".|Sorry, sir.
Who is this "Wog" Who is|this "Wodewick" to whom you "wefer"?
He's a "wobber"!
And a "wapist"!
And a pickpocket!
Yeah Shh! Shh!|Shut up!
He sounds a "notowious" "cwiminal".|We haven't got him, sir.
Do we have anyone|in our "pwisons" at all?
Oh, yes, sir. We got a Samson, sir.|Samson?
Samson the Sadducee Strangler, sir.|Uh, Silus the Assyrian Assassin.
Uh, several seditious scribes|from Caesarea.
Uh, 67|Let me "thpeak" to them.
Oh, no|Yes, good idea, Biggus.
Citizens, we have|Samson the Sadducee Strangler,
Silus the Assyrian Assassin
Several seditious scribes|from Caesarea.
Next.
Crucifixion?|Yes.
Good. Out of the door,|line on the left, one cross each.
Jailer|Excuse me. There's been|some sort of mistake.
Just a moment, would you?|Jailer, how many have come through?
What?
Uh, how many|have come through?
What?|YYYYou'll have to...
spespspespspspspeak up|a bit, sir.
He'sHe'sHe's He's de|Ah.
He's deaf He's deaf|He's deaf as a pppost, sir.
Oh, yes.
Uh, how many|have come through?
Oh, dear.|I make it ninetyf
ninetyf ninetyf
ninetysix, sir.
It's such a senseless waste|of human life, isn't it?
NNNNo, sir.
NNot with these bbastards, sir.
CC N
CCCru
CCrucifixion's|too good 'em, sir.
I don't think you can say it's|too good for them. It's very nasty.
Oh, it's not as nnnana
not as nasty as something|I just thought up, sir.
Yeah. Now, crucifixion?|ls there someone I can speak to?
Well|I know where to get it, if you want it.
What?|DDon't worry about hihim, sir.
HHe's de He's de|He's dedede
He's deaf and mad, sir.|Well, how did he get the job?
BBloody Pilate's pet, sir.
Get a move on, Big Nose. There's people|waitin' to be crucified out here.
Could I see a lawyer or someone?
Um, do, do you have a lawyer?|No, but I'm a Roman.
How about a retrial?|We got plenty of time.
Shut up, you!|Miserable Romans. No sense of humor.
I'm sorry. Bit of a hurry.
Can you go straight out?|Line on the left, one cross each. Now
Was it something I said?
Silence!
This man commands|a "cwack" legion!
He "wanks" as high|as any in "Wome".
Crucifixion party.
Morning. Now, we will be on|a show as we go through the town,
so let's not|let the side down.
Keep in a straight line, three lengths|between you and the man in front...
and a good, steady pace.
Crosses over|your left shoulders,
and if you keep your backs|hard up against the cross beam,
you'll be there in no time.
All right, centurion.
Crucifixion party|Wait for it!
Crucifixion party,|by the left, forward!
You lucky bastards!
You lucky, jammy bastards!
Let me shoulder|your burden, brother.
Oh, thank you.
HHey! Hey!|Hey, what do you think you're doing?
Uh, it's not my cross.|Shut up and get on with it!
He had you there, mate, didn't he?|That'll teach you a lesson.
All right.
I'm gonna give you|one more chance.
This time I want to hear|no "Weubens",
no "Weginalds",
no "Wudolph|the Wednosed Weindeers".
No Spencer Tracys!|Or we shall release no one!
Release Brian!|Oh, yeah. That's a good one.
"Welease" "Bwian"!|"Welease" "Bwian"!
"Vewy" well. That's it.
Sir, we, uh, we have got a Brian, sir.|What?
Uh, you just sent him|for crucifixion, sir.
Wait, wait.|We do have a "Bwian".
Well, go and "wepwieve" him,|"stwaight" away.|Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
"Vewy" well.
I shall... "welease" "Bwian"!
Get a move on, there!|Or what?
Or you'll be in trouble.|Oh, dear.
You mean I might have to give up|being crucified in the afternoons?
Shut up!|That would be a blow, wouldn't it?
I wouldn't have nothing to do.|Oh, thank you.
Are they gone?
WWe've got lumps of it|round the back.
What?|Oh, don't worry about him, sir.
He's ma|He's m He's ma
He's mm|He's mm
He's mad, sir.|Are they gone?
Oh, ye N
I n Uh, I n NNNN
NNNN|Oh, come on!
Yes, sir.
Anyway, get on with the story.|Well, I knew she never|really liked him, so I just
Right.
That's the motion to get on with it,|passed with one abstention.
I propose we go without further ado.|May I have a seconder for
Let's just go.|Yeah.
Oh, no!
Bloody Romans!|Watch it!
There's still|a few crosses left.
Up you go, Big Nose.
I'll get you for this, you bastard.|Oh, yeah?
Oh, yeah. Don't worry.|I never forget a face.|No?
I warn you, I'm gonna punch you|so hard, you Roman git!
Shut up, you Jewish turd!
Who are you calling Jewish?|I'm not Jewish!
I'm a Samaritan!|A Samaritan?
This is supposed|to be a Jewish section.
It doesn't matter.|You're all gonna die in a day or two!
It may not matter to you, Roman,|but it certainly matters to us,|doesn't it, darling?
Oh, rather!|Under the terms|of the Roman occupancy,
we're entitled to be crucified|in a purely Jewish area.
Pharisees separate|from Sadducees.
And Swedish separate from Welsh!
All right, all right, all right.|We'll soon settle this.
Hands up all those who don't|want to be crucified here.
Right. Next!
Uh, look. It's not my cross.|What?
Um, it's not my cross.|I was, um, holding it for someone.
Just lie down.|I haven't got all day.
No, of course. Look.|I hate to make a fuss
Look. We've had a busy day.|There's 140 of you lot to get up.
ls he Jewish?|Will you be quiet?
We don't want any more|Samaritans around here.
Belt up!|Will you let me down if he comes back?
Yeah, yeah,|we'll let you down. Next!
You don't have to do this.|You don't have to take orders.
I like orders.
See? Not so bad,|once you're up.
You being rescued, then,|are you?
It's a bit late for that now,|isn't it?
Oh, now, now. We've got|a couple of days up here.
Plenty of time.|Lots of people get rescued.
Oh?|Yeah. My brother usually rescues me,
if he can keep off the tail|for more than 20 minutes.
Oh?|Randy little bugger.
Up and down like the Assyrian Empire.
Hello.|Your family arrived, then?
Reg!
Hello, Sibling Brian.|Thank God you've come, Reg.
Well, I think I should point out|first, Brian, in all fairness,|we are not the rescue committee.
However, I have been asked to read|the following prepared statement...
on behalf of the movement.
"We the People's Front of Judea|brackets, officials, end brackets
"do hereby convey our sincere|fraternal and sisterly greetings...
to you, Brian, on this,|the occasion of your martyrdom".
What?|"Your death will stand as a landmark...
"in the continuing struggle|to liberate the parent land...
"from the hands of the Roman|imperialist aggressors,
"excluding those concerned with|drainage, medicine, roads, housing,
"education, viniculture and any|other Romans contributing...
"to the welfare of Jews of|both sexes and hermaphrodites.
Signed, on behalf|of the P.F.J., etc".
And I'd just like to add,|on a personal note, my own admiration...
for what you're doing|for us, Brian,
and what must be, after all,|for you a very difficult time.
Reg, wwhat are you going to|Goodbye, Brian, and thanks.
Well done, Brian.|Keep it up, lad.
Terrific work, Brian.
Right. And
" For he's a jolly good fellow "
" For he's a jolly good fellow "
" For he's a jolly good fellow "
" And so say all of us "
" And so say all of "
You bastards!
You bastards!|You sanctimonious bastards!|Where is Brian of Nazareth?
I have an order for his release.|You stupid bastards!
Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth.|What?
Yeah, Ill'm Brian of Nazareth.|Take him down.
I'm Brian of Nazareth!|I'm Brian!
I'm Brian!|I'm Brian!
I'm Brian!|I'm Brian, and so's my wife!
I'm Brian!|I'm Brian!
Take him away|and release him.
No, I'm only joking. I'm not|really Brian. No, I'm not Brian.
I was only It was a joke.|I'm only pulling your leg.
It's a joke! I'm not him!|I'm just having you on! Put me back!
Bloody Romans.|Can't take a joke.
The Judean People's Front!
The Judean People's Front!
Forward all!
Come on!|The Judean People's Front!
The Judean People's Front!
We are the Judean People's Front|Crack Suicide Squad.
Suicide Squad, attack!
That showed them.
You silly sods.
Brian! Brian! Brian!
Judith!|Terrific! Great!
Reg has explained it all to me.|I think it's great, what you're doing.
Thank you, Brian.
I'll, I'll never forget you.
So there you are!
I might have known|it would end up like this.
To think of all the love and|affection I've wasted on you.
Well, if that's how you treat|your poor old mother...
in the autumn years|of her life,
all I can say is,|go ahead, be crucified!
See if I care.|I might have known
Mum!
Mum!|I don't know|what the world's coming to.
Cheer up, Brian.|You know what they say.
Some things in life are bad.
They can really make you mad.
Other things just|make you swear and curse.
" When you're chewing|on life's gristle "
" Don't grumble|Give a whistle "
" And this'll help things|turn out for the best "
" And "
" Always look|on the bright side of life "
" Always look|on the light side of life "
" lf life seems jolly rotten|there's something you've forgotten "
" And that's to laugh and smile|and dance and sing "
" When you're feeling in the dumps "
" Don't be silly chumps "
" Just purse your lips and|whistle, that's the thing "
" And always look|on the bright side of life "
" Always look|on the bright side of life "
" For life is quite absurd "
" And death's the final word "
" You must always face|the curtain with a bow "
" Forget about your sin "
" Give the audience a grin "
" Enjoy it, it's|your last chance anyhow "
" So always look|on the bright side of death "
" Just before you draw|your terminal breath "
" Life's a piece of shit|when you look at it "
" Life's a laugh and|death's a joke, it's true "
" You'll see it's all a show|People laughing as you go "
" Just remember that|the last laugh is on you "
" And always look|on the bright side of life "
" Always look|on the right side of life "
Come on, Brian. Cheer up.
" Always look|on the bright side of life "
" Always look|on the right side of life "
Worse things happen|at sea, you know?
" Always look|on the bright side of life "
What have you got to lose?|You come from nothing.
You go back to nothing.|What have you lost?
Nothing!|" Always look|on the right side of life "
Nothing will come from nothing.|You know what they say?
" Always look on "|Cheer up, you old bugger.
" The bright side of life "|Give us a grin. There you are.
See? It's the end of the film.|Incidentally, this record's|available in the foyer.
" Always look|on the right side of life "
Who do you think pays for all|this rubbish?
" Always look|on the bright side of life "
I told him. I said to him, "Bernie,|there'll never make their money back".
" Always look|on the right side of life "
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