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National Lampoons Christmas Vacation 2

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So how come you're so smart,|and how come they call you Third?
Well, I guess being smart just happened.
I was named after my mom's cousin's|husband, Clark Griswold II.
I'm the third Clark Griswold.|Clark Griswold Johnson.
Do you have any brothers and sisters?
Yes. They're with my grandma in Kansas...
...except for my oldest sister.|She's working at a strip club in Vegas.
A strip club?
- Where do you live?|- Well, my mom and dad and I...
...are staying with my cousin,|Audrey Griswold.
She's visiting her boyfriend in Indianapolis,|so we're kind of house-sitting for her.
Well, this is where I live.|My dad's a brain surgeon.
What's your dad do?
- He works in nuclear research.|- Oh, he's a nuclear scientist?
Well...
...not exactly.
We inject them with nuclear waste|and study their brain waves...
...and other organs to examine|the effects of the waste...
...on various species of anthropoids.
Fascinating, professor.
But tell me, they're playing tic-tac-toe|and the chimpanzee appears to be winning.
How is this possible?
Because the monkey is smarter.
I'm sorry, Eddie, we got this directive|from Washington and they're cutting costs.
We've been ordered to cut|our study group by half.
So from now on we're only|working till noon?
No, Eddie, I'm afraid this|is between you and Roy.
One of you has to go.
Gee, Roy, that's a tough break.|But don't worry, you'll land on your feet.
It's not Roy we're letting go,|Eddie, it's you.
Well, why don't you fire him?|I mean, what does he got that I ain't got?
His brain waves register|more distinctly than yours.
- Which one's mine?|- The one labeled "Eddie."
I'll check other branches and see if there's|anything else available for you.
Oh, Eddie...
...merry Christmas.
I can't understand why they'd|let me go just before Christmas.
And I worked hard too.|I even helped plug the wires in my head.
That's more than Roy did.
It's just like the time the goat|kicked me in the teeth...
...for milking her with the vacuum cleaner.
Eddie, don't feel so bad.|You know that monkey's pretty smart.
Oh, you'll find another job.|You're real good at it.
Yeah, you've done it lots of times.
I'm just a total flop, let's face it.
No, Eddie, not total.
It's true, Mom. Total.
I mean, this is the sixth job Dad's lost|since they foreclosed on the farm.
And now he's lost out to a monkey.
- Third, that's a terrible thing to say.|- No, the boy's right.
I'm just one big disappointment.
I'm sorry I let you down.
You're not a failure.|And we have a lot to be thankful for.
We got a wonderful family,|we're all together.
Well, except for four of the kids,|who are staying with Grandma...
...and our daughter who's in show business.|But we've got one smart kid.
- Yeah, who thinks his daddy's dumb.|- Eddie, no.
No, Third has faith in you.|And he thinks you're real smart.
Well, he thinks you have|a good sense of humor.
I know this has been a big disappointment|to you, but we'll figure something out.
- At least we've got a roof over our heads.|- Yeah, but for how long?
I bet in a year or two Audrey will get sick|of us living here, feeding us...
He thinks I've got a real good|sense of humor?
- That's it! Goldarn it, I'm gonna do it!|- What?
I'm gonna take a hot bath, I can't sleep.
Know what the preacher said|that time I got fired from that job...
...testing them secondhand recliners?|"Things can only get better."
That was the day before the bank|foreclosed on the dirt farm.
Catherine.
- I'll take it from here.|- Audrey left us these emergency numbers.
I'm gonna call the 24-hour|emergency plumber. They never close.
I never did trust indoor plumbing.
I can't reach them, the line's busy.
- We're gonna be washed away!|- A boy to do a man's job.
I need bigger equipment!
Hi, and merry Christmas.|This is the Ever Ready Plumbing Service.
- Merry Christmas to you.|- Using your touchtone phone...
...please select from the following menu|to accommodate your needs.
- I have a big problem here.|- For our sales department...
...for the latest in bathroom and kitchen|fixtures, press 1 and merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.|- Lf you would like our billing department...
...for your latest billing information or to ask|about our handy layaway plan, press 2.
Unless you'd like to talk to Wally Evan,|our vice president of Finance.
That office is open from 10 a. M. To 3 p. M.,|and did I wish you a merry Christmas?
Yes, you did, merry Christmas to you.|Can you hear me?
- To talk to our president, Harry Burns...|- Stop. Stop it, I'm losing it.
- Hello?|- For Kathleen, Harry's secretary...
...or Julie Lynch in Personnel or...
Or if you'd like our four-color brochure...
...on our imported Parisian bidets,|press 5 and ask for Antoine.
Call between the hours|of 9 a. M. And 5 p. M...
...and have a safe, secure,|pleasant Christmas.
Oh, hi, Eddie, I didn't see you come in.|I have your severance check.
- Merry Christmas.|- Thanks, Jennifer.
What are you doing here?|You here for your severance check?
Yeah. Professor Doornitz,|I wanted to talk to you.
I've been thinking, you know,|and, well, I really like this job...
...and I was wondering if you could|kind of reconsider...
...letting Roy go and keeping me on?
He ain't that smart.
He's just pretending to read.
Oh, dear.
I'll get it, I'll get it.
You know, the thing about|atomic energy and monkeys is...
He'll be fine. You pumped|so much atomic waste into him...
...that the area where the chimp|bit him healed immediately.
Thank God. And most importantly,|the chimp is okay.
What about a possible lawsuit?|This guy's got one hell of a case.
He's not too bright.|I'll think of something.
An all-expense-paid Christmas vacation|on an island in the South Pacific!
But you didn't get your job back.|They kept the monkey.
Well, Roy, he had a contract. Ironclad.
You lost another job...
...and you and the monkey|were the only ones who applied.
I mean, this is just another disaster...
...like when you had|to quit being a mail-order dentist...
...after you stapled|the mayor's mouth together.
Third, your father remembers that.|You don't have to remind him.
I think this is exciting,|a Christmas vacation in the South Seas.
Tropical nights,|beautiful white beaches, luaus.
No cable TV, probably no fast food.
They got fast food.|They've got fried food everywhere.
I think we should look at this positively.
We've never had a real vacation.|It'll be an adventure.
You know, Professor Doornitz,|he said that we're staying...
...in the best motel|in the whole Pacific Ocean.
It'll probably be in a tree.
Why don't I stay here|with Cousin Archie for Christmas?
- I mean, Paige is here.|- No. Now, we're gonna stick together.
No kid of mine's going off|on their own till they're 13.
Catherine, Cousin Eddie...
...l'm gonna kill myself.
Merry Christmas.
- Audrey, what's wrong?|- What happened?
Daniel and I, we broke up.
It's over.|The great love of my life, and it's over.
I will never find true love again.
I'm thinking about killing myself.
Or eating large amounts of ice cream.
I'd go for that ice cream deal.
Could you imagine something that|terrible happening right before Christmas?
I mean, we were perfect together.
We both liked the History Channel|and Japanese food...
...and raindrops on roses|and little whiskers on kittens.
But Audrey, if you were so great together,|why'd you break up?
- I found out he was married.|- That'll do it.
Thanks for inviting me to stay with you|at the hotel in Maluka, Catherine.
I need total relaxation,|and the South Pacific sounds just great.
It'll be great having you with us.
And, you know,|Eddie needs relaxation too...
...what with him losing|his atomic research job.
I don't know why, boy, but I got a feeling|this trip's gonna be real good for us.
I don't know why either, Dad.
Hey, Snots.
Snots, go get it.
Go get it, Snots. Go get it. Go on.
When they test Eddie|for reaction from all that stuff...
...he's exposed to,|does it have any effect on him?
No, he's fine.|And the plate in his head...
...has become quite a good bug zapper.|Just fries those little fellas.
Yeah, I know things ain't been so great|for us the last 30, 40 years, boy...
...but, you know,|maybe this is a new beginning.
Maybe this is a time|when things start to go right.
Visiting a new...
...country.
Maybe I just needed this time|to follow my passion.
You know, Audrey, Eddie's really worried.|He's sort of run out of careers.
I don't know if you've noticed,|but he's not perfect.
- No one in his family is.|- Third's perfect.
Yeah, Third's perfect.|He takes after my side of the family.
All of our other kids take after Eddie.
Except for our daughter.|She's a marvelous stripper.
Come on, Snots.|Come on, now, go get it.
You should have never let|the agency off the hook.
The monkey bit you and you took|a Christmas vacation.
We could've found a lawyer|and sued them for a fortune.
I don't think so.
Professor Dawrence,|he felt that I insulted Roy.
Snots.
Hey, hey, here, go get it.
- Hello.|- Merry Christmas.
Can I come in?
Uncle Nick, merry Christmas.
Audrey, this is Eddie's Uncle Nick.|What's wrong?
- Nothing. Can I come in?|- Uncle Nick.
This is a surprise.|What are you doing here?
Merry Christmas, I came here to die.|Now can I come in and die sitting down?
So Aunt Jessica ran off|with the Christmas tree delivery man?
A 28-year-old delivery man.
I didn't know they delivered.
A 28-year-old runs off|with a 66-year-old grandmother?
I didn't think grandmothers thought|about sex and stuff like that.
Apparently the thought entered her mind.
I'm so sorry, Uncle Nick.|I'm sure she'll come back to you.
She was 17 when we were married.
I was the first man who ever touched her.
I guess now there's a second.
How come you're wearing|a Santa Claus jacket?
When he took off with Jessica he grabbed|my good jacket and left me with this.
I just can't sit around that house|all day all alone, Eddie.
I thought I might|spend some time with you.
Gee, Uncle Nick,|Roy bit me on the ass and I lost my job.
We're all taking off on an all-expense-paid|Christmas vacation.
- You lost another job?|- Yeah.
Roy bit you on the ass?|Who's Roy?
Oh, me and Roy, we work together.|But we're all flying out tomorrow.
Audrey's coming with us.
Daniel was married.
Daniel? Who's Daniel?
Oh, never mind, I don't care.
Where are you going on your vacation,|somewhere warm?
- It's hot.|- I'm going with you.
I don't like Christmas when it snows.|It's too sentimental.
- Eddie, we're gonna miss the plane.|- I have two more.
- We got room for this one?|- Sure.
- Third, did you give Snots his pill?|- Yeah, he's getting tired already.
He's got a little bit of gas.
Yeah, vet gave him something|to calm him down. He's never flown before.
Then again, neither have I.
Attention passengers.|Please watch your luggage...
...your children and all other valuables.
And merry Christmas.
No, look at the line.|We'll never make the plane.
Let's go.
Thank you.
Thank you. Thanks a lot.
- This is all right.|- Thanks a lot.
- Merry Christmas.|- Anyone lose a bowling ball?
Anyone lose a bowling ball?
Come on!
I hear sometimes they run out of peanuts.
- Are you all right?|- Oh, yeah. Merry Christmas.
No, I'm fine.
No damage. I've got all the usual|number of arms and legs.
I'm sorry, I didn't even see you.
Oh, yeah, it's quite all right,|you know, just a few superficial breaks.
- This happens to me all the time.|- You're a foreigner, ain't you?
- What are you?|- I'm English.
- Well, you sure do talk pretty.|- Thanks. We did invent the language.
- No hard feelings?|- No feelings whatsoever.
He's all right, he's English.|I understood every word he said.
Merry Christmas. Raise your arms, please.
Attention. Attention, please.|Did anybody lose this?
Hey, look at all those people|down there. They look like ants.
Those are ants, Dad.|The plane hasn't taken off yet.
Boy, that's a big ocean out there.|Lot of water!
- Peanuts, gentlemen?|- Lunch.
Thank you!
Don't cry, Audrey, it's only a book.
I'm not crying about the book,|I'm crying about Daniel.
Everything reminds me of him.
These peanuts. He used to love peanuts.
He's the love of my life, Catherine.
I'll never love again, never.
I'll never see Indianapolis again.
Isn't that what you said about Dashiell?
That was just a passing thing.
- I thought you went with him for a year.|- It passed slowly.
Actually, Dad, the Pacific Ocean|is 164,384 million square miles...
...in area, 18 times the size|of the United States.
It was named by the explorer Magellan,|because when he saw it...
...it was so tranquil he called it the Pacific.
Peanut?
Thank you.
Where's the bathroom?
Oh, thank you.
- How beautiful.|- Look at that.
Isn't this nice, Audrey?
Well...
Here.
Here you go, Uncle Nick,|this one here is willing.
Third, you see about getting Snots|out of the baggage area?
They're bringing him out, Dad.|He's still asleep.
The local authorities insisted|that they fumigate him first.
They didn't like the way he smelled.
That's funny, I never noticed|he smelled bad.
Dad, small animals pass out|when he walks by them.
- Hi, are you the Johnson family?|- Yeah.
Merry Christmas.
- Hello.|- I'm Muka Laka Miki, Mr. Johnson.
I work for the Atomic Testing Agency|here on Maluka. You're our guests.
Well, nice to meet you, Muka Licka Hickey.
Eddie...
This is my wife, Catherine.
And cousin Audrey|and our son Third III.
And this here's Uncle Nick.
- Hi there.|- Hi.
Nick... Nick Jugson, at your service.
I'll get you to your motel.
Then I thought you'd want the rest|of the day to get unpacked.
And then tomorrow|I could show you the island.
The agency wants to give special treatment.|They're sorry about the monkey biting you.
Well, I heal fast, but if this is the way|you folks show your apologies...
...that monkey can bite my ass every day|of the week and twice on Sunday.
- Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.|- Good to see you.
You folks sure are treating us in style.
Well, I've planned a big day for us.
This morning we're gonna walk|around the town.
Visit native shops, and I need a manicure.
Then we can change into beach clothes|and have a native Christmas cookout.
Sort of a mini luau.
And this afternoon|I've chartered a small boat...
...and I thought we'd tour the island.
That sounds great.
You hear that, Uncle Nick?|We're going on a boat.
That's what an old sailor wants to hear!
Snots. Snots, here.
Hey, whose seaplane is that over there?
That's Jack Malpey. Melbourne Jack.|He's an Aussie.
He owns a hotel near here on his own|private island. He's a great guy.
There's more coming, honey.
Boy, these ribs are great.
Ribs and pineapple, those are|our big Christmas dishes. And fried eel.
- Fried eel?|- Fried?
Am I invited for lunch?
Sure, Jack, come on in.
- Hi, Muka Laka Miki. Thanks for the invite.|- Hi, Jack, how are you?
Hi, I'm Audrey Griswold. We just arrived.
Love the island, fabulous place.
- Are you married?|- Hi there, we're the Johnsons.
I'm Eddie, this here's Uncle Nick...
...that's my boy,|and here's my wife, Catherine.
- Eel?|- Like I said, this is a beautiful place.
- Would you like to take me on a tour?|- Sure.
- What a charming man.|- What's that smell?
Oh, that's a good one.
It's time for the boat, you guys.|Let's pack up.
Oh, okay. Third, grab your stuff.
And someone put out the fire.
- I'm full.|- Well, you just sit and digest. I'll pack up.
Snots. Snots, here.
I hope we got a pooper on this thing.
That fried eel's headed due south.
Captain Lynch.
It's from Captain Lynch.
His wife is having a baby|and he has to deliver it.
He says we can take the boat out if we|want to, if we know how to run a boat.
- Do you know how to run a boat?|- No, I fish lots in a creek.
- But didn't have no boat. I'm willing to try.|- Forget it.
I've got more salt under my armpits|than you ever sailed on.
Leave it to me.
I was in the Navy.
Why should this be different|from an aircraft carrier?
The key.
All right.
Sometimes you just don't think|of the easy things.
Shouldn't we untie this first?
Eddie, get out and cast off.
Uncle Nick!
- Okay, where is it?|- What's wrong?
The compass. I can't find the compass.
Every boat has a compass.
- Maybe we should head back to shore.|- I think that's a good idea.
I got a big fish!
Hold on!
Careful, honey, you're all tangled.
Get a knife!
- Get a knife!|- I don't have a knife.
I have scissors in my purse, Eddie!
Get a knife!
Honey, l... Hold on!
Get a knife!
I have scissors, Eddie!
- Hold on, Mr. Johnson!|- Call me Eddie!
Hold on, Eddie!
Uncle Nick, Uncle Nick, the boat's going|backwards, make it go forwards!
Oh, Eddie, you were wonderful!
I almost had it!
Did you see that?
That fish was the biggest fish I ever saw!
That thing must have weighed|10,000 pounds!
I'm sure!
- Man the lifeboats!|- There are no lifeboats.
Eddie, where's the rest of you?
- Eddie, are you all right?|- Hey, we got a ukulele in here.
Oh, my head, my shoulders.|I'm in pain.
My manicure is ruined.
Uncle Nick, will you please|take your hand off my breast.
- Is everybody okay?|- I'm okay. But...
There's a horrible smell in here.
Oh, God!
Uncle Nick!
- Are you all right?|- I don't know.
- I cut my hand, I don't know how.|- I bit it.
Third?
Third!
We've run aground,|but there's an island right there.
- You know where we are?|- I'm from Milwaukee.
I don't know much about these islands.
- The radio, let's try the radio.|- Milwaukee?
- Isn't your name Malookamalarkariki?|- Forget the radio, it doesn't work.
Well, that island looks nice, not too far.
I'm gonna swim to shore.|There's nothing dangerous on these islands.
- Right, Milwaukeeliki?|- I think it's safer than Milwaukee.
Only snakes, wild dogs, wild boar.
Wild boar?
Well, they're like pigs.
Some of them can weigh|up to 600 pounds.
They're very fast and real nasty.
I'll go, Dad.
No, boy, your life's|more precious than mine.
- Why?|- I don't know.
Daddies are just supposed to|say things like that sometimes.
No!
We all go. We all go together.
Catherine,|I'm not afraid of a little old pig.
Eddie, you can't swim!
Let's walk.
Audrey, what are you doing|with an electric cappuccino maker?
I bought it in town.
Somehow I doubt|we'll be able to use that.
I don't think there are many|electrical outlets on this island.
Well, maybe we'll find a motel|or something with an electrical outlet.
Look, the boat's drifting away!
Did anyone anchor the boat?
All right, we've got to do this right.
We need food.
Yeah, you're right, Eddie.|Okay, here's what we brought ashore.
We got a dozen Tootsie Rolls,|we got some Bridge Mix...
...two six-packs of beer, some Hamburger|Helper and four bottles of bourbon.
That's my kind of captain.
Yeah. We also got a quarter pound|of moldy American cheese...
...a pack of matches|and a box of those little toothpicks...
...that you put into frankfurters,|only we don't have any frankfurters.
We can use those to get the Tootsie Rolls|out of our teeth.
Oh, and Dad, I found a knife in the boat.|It was in the galley.
I haven't had a Tootsie Roll in 35 years.
That's when I got my false teeth.
Well, got beer...
...got my favorite hunting dog.
I could hunt for food.
Eddie, the only place you ever hunted|for food was our refrigerator.
Hey, there's a freshwater stream back there|in the forest and plenty of bananas.
And we can make spears|and fishing rods to hunt and fish.
And I think I found|a good place for a campsite.
- Cousin, Eddie, look for a bathroom.|- Snots! Snots!
I'll get the bourbon.
This is the spot, everybody.
It's starting to get dark.
We better figure out where|we're gonna sleep. We'll team up.
And there are some towels|from the hotel.
I'm all set.
Audrey and I will buddy up.
We only have three towels,|and they're all wet.
Well, if you get cold, your buddy's|body heat will help warm you up.
- You wanna rethink your assigned buddy?|- No.
That felt good.
When you get to be my age...
...a good dump|is one of the great pleasures in life.
Well...
...it's all finished.
When I was walking up to the hill,|I saw that there was nothing here...
...but a lot of bananas.
So we're gonna have to hunt|for some real food.
- So let's go, Third.|- Yeah.
I'll go with you.
All right.
Here's the game plan. We'll split up|so we can cover more ground.
We'll use that fire on top of the hill|as a landmark.
Uncle Nick, you make a quick left and go up|the left flank. Third, you make a wide right.
Snots and I will go up the middle|and victory will be ours.
What am I supposed to do|if I run into a wild animal?
- Throw my banana at it?|- Good thinking.
Have you ever heard|of barking or pointing?
How about a little warning here?
Give me a little heads up next time.
Well, are you coming?
Oh, my.
Oh, my.
Oh, my.
Oh, my God!
Yes!
- Any luck hunting, honey?|- No.
I almost got a bird...
...but all I saw were nanners.
Did you guys have any luck?
- No.|- That's it.
I ain't walked this much|since my last visit to Wal-Mart.
Hey, everybody. You know,|it'll be Christmas in three days.
It is?
With all the excitement|of the shipwreck and everything...
...I guess I just forgot|all about Christmas.
Well, I guess we will have to forget|about it this year.
Yeah. It's my first Christmas|without Mom and Dad.
Well, this is my first Christmas|without gifts.
No tree, no Santa.
- No real food.|- No eggnog.
Hey, we could still have Christmas.|We could have an island Christmas.
Well, that's a real good idea, Mukinuki.
An island Christmas.|Why didn't I think of that?
What is an island Christmas?
Well, every year we celebrate the things|that we're most thankful for.
Well, we're all alive and we're all together.|That's worth celebrating.
You're pretty damn easy to please.
- What about the gifts?|- We have the whole island!
Let's think of something|we can all give to each other.
How about a full body massage?
Uncle Nick.
The islands can be very magical,|full of many gifts.
All you have to do|is use your imagination.
Oh, dang it, I knew there was a catch.
What have you always wanted, Eddie?
I don't know.
I got pretty much everything|I ever wanted.
A good dog.
Six kids.
A doting wife who takes care|of my every need, if you know what I mean.
We could get a house, Eddie.
- Where are we going to get a house?|- We could build it. With our hands.
- I thought this was a vacation.|- Catherine, no, it's a great idea.
It'll be fun.
If you build it, they will come.
Who?
Well, someone to rescue us.
Won't be much of a house.
But it'll be ours.
Remember, Jesus was born in a stable.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah!
We'll build it...
...here!
And you know what else we need?|A Christmas dinner. A real Christmas dinner.
Not these bananas, those Tootsie Rolls|or none of that there banana helper, neither.
No, sir!
I'm going out again!
We're gonna have ourselves some meat!
Come here!
Come back here, you little booger!
Snots, kill.
Kill!
Kill! Where you going, Snots?|Come back here!
It is not a Christmas tree.
- But it'll do.|- It'll have to.
You know, we used to have a big tree|every Christmas when I was a kid.
My father would take hours to pick it out.
He sometimes would do everything|but x-ray it. Then he'd turn to us and say:
"You are looking at the best Christmas tree|in Kansas City. No, in the world."
Christmas with Daddy.
Guess dads are all like that|at Christmas.
Even Eddie.
That's a good piggy, that's a good piggy.
It's so beautiful here.
Yeah. If only it had a shopping mall.
- The house is coming along great.|- Yeah, it's a great Christmas gift.
Look at him.
It's a funny thing, you know.
Here we are in serious trouble|and I've never seen Eddie so happy.
Sometimes a crisis brings out the best|in a person. I mean, he's even working.
Hey, Dad? Dad? Dad!
There's something I've got to tell you.
It's your girlfriend.
- Is she pregnant?|- No!
It's just that...
I always thought that...
...you were kind of...
...sort of...
- Gay?|- No.
Just... The bottom of the food chain.
Well, I was wrong.
I mean, you know,|like, you never worked much.
Mom took care of the kids|and cooked and cleaned...
...worked three jobs.
And then, you know, the bank foreclosed on|the house and the repo people took the RV.
I loved that RV.
That RV!
And here we are on a desert island,|who knows where...
...and he goes out and kills|with his bare hands to feed his family.
I mean, can you imagine him taking on that|huge animal and beating him in a fair fight?
I know. I mean, God, he was like a caveman|or a gladiator or something.
Yeah.
Well, anyway, I was wrong.
No, you were right. I'm just no good.
Right. You know, normally.
But here, on this island...
...you've been great.
Do you mean that?
Yeah.
Boy...
...you don't know how good|that makes me feel.
From now on...
...l've got no place to go but up!
Hi, it's Audrey Griswold.|Leave a message and merry Christmas.
Ever Ready Plumbing here. We'll have a|man out to your house within 30 days.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas morning, everybody!
Merry Christmas morning!
- Yeah!|- Come here, you. Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas, Milwaukee.
Here's...
...Mr. Christmas himself.
It's Saint Nick.
Merry Christmas, Audrey,|this is from Eddie.
Eddie, this is great. Lipstick!|It's my favorite color.
- Where did you get it?|- Found it in your purse.
This is from Third.
Third, my gosh, look at that!
That's a deluxe spear.
It's an aerodynamically correct spear, Dad.
See those fins?|Those are for throwing accurately.
Looks like a one-way street sign.
Well, let's take it for a little test drive,|shall we?
Okay, now let's sing|a few Christmas songs.
Let's see.
Hey, I got another surprise for us here.
A homemade concoction that|my dad used to make.
Only, he had a still|and sold it to the neighbors...
...but it kept us going through|the lean times, until he got caught...
...and wound up doing 3 to 5.|But here's a taste.
All right. Well, here goes.
That's got a kick. What is in that?
Well, it's got three parts coconut milk,|two parts bug juice...
...six parts bourbon, a little banana peel|for texture and a Tootsie Roll.
Oh, and some sunscreen.
Lord, I wanna thank you for keeping us|healthy and, particularly, alive...
...during this whole shipwreck deal.
But most of all, Lord,|I wanna thank you for this house.
Oh, it's a good house, Lord.
It's probably the first house we ever had|where we didn't owe a mortgage or taxes.
And maybe the only house we'll ever have|where the bank won't foreclose on it.
Oh, it's not as nice as Audrey's house,|but it's a fine house, Lord.
And I want you to please|just find it to forgive me, Lord...
...for losing the RV|and the dirt farm, Lord.
- We are sin, Lord...!|- Can I say something?
Excuse me, Lord.
Yeah?
What's in the coconut?
Another tropical surprise.
Can we drink the surprise first|and then bust the coconut?
- No.|- Well, there you have it.
Anyway, Lord, be it ever so humble,|there's no place like this here house.
Amen.
- Merry Christmas!|- Oh, merry Christmas to you!
Eddie!
Put me down, put me down,|put me down!
You did it, Dad!
You killed a boar|and built our own damn house!
Watch your mouth, Third.
Well, we've learned|something here today.
We definitely have to make it|more secure.
Let's eat.
Eddie.
Eddie, you're so brave.|And you have a good sense of humor.
You're my hero...
It's a plane! A plane!|And he sees us!
It's Jack, it's Melbourne Jack Malpey!
We're saved!
- Over here!|- Uncle Nick!
Uncle Nick, wake up!|We're rescued, we're saved!
Saved.
From what?
Down here!
Jack!|It's me, Audrey!
We've had search parties all over|looking for you and that boat.
They found the boat|300 miles from here.
You've been searching for me|this whole time? You're a hero!
Well, you found me.|You did say you weren't married?
Actually, I was flying over|to check a hotel I own...
...on the other side of the island|when I saw Eddie on the cliff.
Probably, nobody|thought of looking here.
Well, it's only 10 miles,|you could have walked to my hotel.
Well, I...
...guess we better pack up|and get out of here, then.
Man. You know, I got all excited|when I first saw the plane...
...but I'm really gonna|miss this place.
This was the best vacation|this family has ever had.
Oh, well.
It was great, but it'll be good|to get back to civilization.
Civilization.|People like to live in crowds...
...because they don't trust each other.
I don't know,|there's some good things about civilization.
Name one.
Massages, manicures,|frozen artichokes...
...hot tubs, champagne.
I wanna say something.
I'm gonna miss|not having a lot of things.
It's been great without telephones|and people you never even met calling...
...trying to sell you things|you don't even need.
And rap music on beer commercials...
...and junk mail!
I'm gonna miss|us all being so together...
...and the way everybody chipped in|and worked.
- It was a Christmas thing.|- I saw an airplane!
I saw an airplane!|We're saved!
We're saved!
I saw a plane!
Jack!
What are you doing here?
Merry Christmas!|Merry Christmas!
This was the best Christmas|I've ever had.
It was fun being a part of your family|here on...
- What is the name of this island?|- It was named after King Halehalki...
...but you can change it.|He was a headhunter.
I say we rename it Eddie Island...
...in honor of the man who killed the boar.
Well.
- What business did you say you were in?|- I was in nuclear research.
- You're kidding.|- No, no. Nuclear research.
But then I got laid off.|But then, because I got bit on the ass...
...they gave me this here|Christmas vacation.
You got laid off?|Did the company downsize?
Yeah, well, the other guy,|he's a lot smaller than I was.
I was better at the job.
- Jack's incredible, isn't he?|- Yeah, he's a really great guy.
- He's so mature.|- Big deal. Uncle Nick's mature.
This is liable to roll down a hill|and kill a little pig or something.
I better move this.
Hey, hold it. You gonna bust your rollers|trying to move that. Let me help you.
Put it over there.
- Where?|- Over there.
Let go, let go, you're choking me.
- What?|- Let go!
All right.
Jack?
- Oh, Jack, don't get up.|- I'm all right.
No, no. Jack, you took a terrible fall.|You need rest and care.
I'm fine.
I wouldn't go into a career in the moving|business any time soon, if I were you.
You all ready to fly?
I'm gonna really miss|the old homestead.
Jack, you okay?
I'm okay, it's just a headache.|There are some aspirin in the cabin.
- His head hurts.|- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, he needs me!|He needs me!
Now, now, he'll be all right.
Just got a headache.
He'll be all right.
Maluka tower,|this is Mike 808 Mike...
...Melbourne Jack here.|I've just picked up some lost souls...
...on the rear end of King Halehalki Island.|- Eddie Island!
Our position is...
Hell, I don't know where we are.
I'm not too well, my friend.
I like you, Ed. You're a good man.
You're not the brightest bulb|in the chandelier, but you're a good man.
- Jack!|- Mike 808 Mike...
...say again your position, over.
Help!
This is Maluka tower, merry Christmas.|Is that you, Jack?
No, it's Eddie!|Jack, he fainted, or he's dead.
Jack, snap out of it!|Snap out of it!
- Oh, he's not dead, he moved.|- Well, okay, Eddie, merry Christmas.
Can you fly a plane?
I'll take that as a no.
We got you on radar now,|you're heading right for Maluka Airport.
- All you're gonna have to do is, well, land.|- We're gonna die.
Now, relax. When we get you over|the airport, we're going to talk you in.
And Eddie?
Yeah?
We're gonna clear the area|of all incoming and outgoing flights.
All you're gonna have to worry|about is to make a nice landing...
...right there on the tarmac.
You'll go down|gradually and just coast on in.
- Okay. Okay.|- Dad! Dad, you can't land on the tarmac!
- Probably not, but I gotta try.|- This is a seaplane, Dad, a seaplane!
Tower! Tower!|Mr. Tower, this is a seaplane!
Damn, forgot. Right. Shoot.
I'm getting so absent-minded.
Even easier. You'll just land right there|in the bay in front of the airport...
...and we'll come on out and get you.
Now, just sit back,|stay on course and relax.
No sweat.
How's Jack?
Audrey's breathing into his mouth.
Okay, easy does it.
Loosen your clothing.|Good.
Planes will never replace boats|as a means of transportation.
- People like to stay close to terra firma.|- Uncle Nick.
Boats still sail on water, not earth.
Okay, Eddie, we got you in sight now.
There's the airport!
Now, here's what we want you to do:|We want you to look at the altimeter.
- Where is it?|- All right, calm down.
It's the gauge on the right-hand side|of the panel.
You're now at 2000 feet. I want you|to turn the wheel very slowly to your left...
...press it down gradually, very slowly.
- And Eddie?|- Yeah?
Merry Christmas.|Up.
Up.
Up!|Pull it up, Eddie, come on!
Oh, no.|No!
No, Eddie!
Okay, Eddie, we're gonna|try it again now, slowly.
Slow, you damn idiot!|Don't you know what slow means?
Slow, you damn idiot!|Don't you know what slow means?
Muka?
If we don't die,|will you be my girlfriend?
Well, thank you, Third.
I think you're terrific,|but I don't think you're quite...
...grown-up enough for me.|- I am grown up.
I've even seen a naked woman.
Anyway, if we don't die,|I'm going back to my husband.
- Your husband?|- Yes, Daniel.
He lives in Indianapolis.
Now, let's try it again there, Eddie, baby.|And Eddie...
...you see that tall building|with the glass all around it?
Good. Whatever you do,|don't hit that building.
You see, that's the tower, Eddie,|and that's where I am.
Now, what we're gonna do,|you're gonna turn the wheel slowly...
...to the left again and press down.
No! No, Eddie!
No! No!
Dad, it's just like the time|you drove the RV...
...off the side of the mountain|and broke your leg.
Only, more dangerous.
It's more like the time you were fishing|off that bridge and reached down...
...to tie your shoelaces|and fell 50 feet into the water.
Only, this time we could all die.
You can do it, Dad, I know you can.
Oh, my.
Oh, my.
Oh, my God!
Bingo.
And merry Christmas, Maluka.
We all heard about the shipwrecked|Johnsons. Here's a video...
...from their daughter, currently appearing|at the Bare Bottom Club in Las Vegas.
Merry Christmas, Third!|How's my boy?
Aunt Jessica, you wouldn't believe|what we've been through.
Not gonna show me travel movies,|are you, Third?
Later.
Okay, so where's that old man of mine?
- And where are your folks?|- Oh, well...
...my Mom and Dad and cousin Audrey|are visiting a friend in the hospital.
Dad dropped a rock on him|and gave him a brain concussion.
- And Uncle Nick's resting.|- You go up and tell him I'm here.
If I walk in on him,|he's liable to have a heart attack.
Sure.
Aunt Jessica, you didn't, did you?
Don't ask.
Boy, that Jack. He is okay, isn't he?|What a great guy.
And he didn't even mention|that I almost killed him.
I can't believe it.
He's married.|Five kids.
I mean, my God,|can't any man be trusted?
He was the great love of my life.|I'll never love again.
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas.
- Is he all right?|- It's my husband.
Nervous breakdown.
Merry Christmas!
I'm so sorry.|How long has he been like this?
Since this morning.|He's an air traffic controller.
Hey, buddy!
Merry Christmas!
Come on, buddy, snap out of it.
Snap out of it!
No, Eddie!
Bless you!|Oh, thank you!
You are a miracle worker.
Come on, let's get back|to the motel.
I may become a nun.
Aunt Jessica.
So you finally got tired|of that young fellow...
...and you decided to come crawling back|to Uncle Nick.
And you're gonna take her back,|I suppose.
Well, I have seen it all now.
If anybody wants me, I'll be in the can.
I'm sorry for that|little unpleasantness, darling.
That pig snot|never did have no manners.
When you're finished, get your butt into|the kitchen and fix me a decent dinner.
I've been eating nothing|but burnt pig and bananas.
They're waiting for you inside, Eddie.
Thank you, Milwaukee.
Hi, Muka.
There's something I've gotta tell you.
You know, I'm sorry about|asking you to be my girl...
...but I'm engaged.
She's beautiful.
Well, it'll take a while to get over it.
Yeah.
Eddie!
Eddie, Eddie, Eddie!
Oh, Professor Doornitz!
We are so proud of you.|All the newspapers carried your story.
Shipwrecked, swam 30 miles|to rescue your family...
...built a two-story house|with your own hands...
...killed a wild boar|with manicure scissors!
Well...
What's he doing here?
You're replacing him.|He's here on vacation.
Oh, no.
I'm staying right here.
I got myself a new job.
Well, Roy...
...looks like this is the beginning|of a beautiful friendship.
NYPD Blue
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