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Noises Off 1992

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Curtain's going up! Curtain's going up!
A big Broadway opening.
Everybody who's anybody in New York is here tonight.
Everybody but one man.
This man. Me.
Where are you going? Didn't you direct this?
I just have to... One or two things. Get out of this theatre!
- Is anything wrong with your seat? - It's facing the stage!
It's going to be a disaster. I can't just sit there and watch.
Five seconds and we still haven't got a laugh.
I'm not running away. I just don't like watching a car crash.
Particularly when it's mine. It's going to be a catastrophe.
They'll forget their lines. We won't get out of New York alive.
There's pictures of us in the lobby. I'll get on a plane.
I should have done when we opened in Des Moines, before we opened,
at the dress rehearsal, as soon as the curtain went up.
As soon as the damned phone rang and Dotty came on with the sardines.
Hold on! Hold your horses!
Oh, Lord love a duck! Shut up! I'm on my way.
It's no good you going on. I can't open sardines and answer the phone.
I've only got one pair of feet. Hello?
Yes, but there's no one here, love... No, Mr Brent's not here.
He lives here, yes, but not now because he lives in Spain.
Yes, Philip Brent, who writes plays, only now he writes them in Spain.
She's in Spain, too. They all are.
Am I in Spain? No, I'm not in Spain. I look after the house for them.
Only I go home at one on Wednesdays, so that's where I am.
No, because I've got a nice plate of sardines to put my feet up with.
And they've got colour here, and it's the Royal...you know, the horse race.
Where's the paper?
If it's about letting the house, you'll have to ring the house agents.
Squire, Squire, Hackham and... Who's the other one?
No, they're next to the phone in the study.
Squire, Squire, Hackham and... Hold on! I'll go and look.
As soon as you take the weight off your feet,
down it all comes on your head.
And I take the sardines... No, I leave the sardines...
No, I take the sardines.
You leave the sardines and you hang up the phone.
Yes, right. I hang up the phone.
- And you leave the sardines. - I leave the sardines?
You leave the sardines.
I hang up the phone and I leave the sardines?
Right!
- We've changed that, have we, dear? - No, dear.
- That's what I've always been doing? - I wouldn't say that, Dotty.
How about the words? Am I getting some of them right?
Some of them have a very familiar ring.
- It's like a slot machine up here. - I know that.
I never know what's going to come out:
three oranges or two lemons and a banana.
Anyway, it's not midnight yet, and we don't open till tomorrow.
- You're holding the receiver. - Right.
"Squire, Squire, Hackham and...hold on!" and noises off.
Squire, Squire, Hackham... Hold on! Hanging up the phone.
Put your feet up for two minutes and they come running after you.
- Hold it! - This is her afternoon off.
- Hold it, Garry. Dotty! - We've got the place to ourselves.
- Wow! - Hold it, Brooke.
- Dotty! - Come back?
Yes, and go out with the newspaper.
The newspaper. Oh, the newspaper.
Hang up the phone, leave the sardines and go out, with the newspaper.
- Here. - Sorry.
- Don't worry. It's just the tech. - It's the dress, Garry.
- When was the tech? - When's the dress? We open tomorrow.
We're thinking of it as the tech.
- It's the words. - Don't worry about the words.
And that accent. It's like oranges and lemons.
Your words are fine. Better than the... you know? Isn't that right?
- Sorry? - I mean, OK, he's the...
But, Dotty, you've been playing this kind of part for, well, I mean...
Jesus, Dotty, you know?
Garry and Brooke are off, Dotty is holding the receiver.
We open tomorrow, we've only had two weeks rehearsal,
we don't know where we are, but here we are.
- Right, Lloyd? - Beautifully put.
We're playing Des Moines, then Pittsburgh,
then God knows where and we're all feeling, you know?
- Aren't you? - Sorry?
Garry, you're off.
- Sorry, Lloyd, but...you know? - I know.
- Thanks, Lloyd. - So you're off...
Lloyd, let me just say one thing.
I've known many directors, some geniuses, some bastards,
but I've never met one who was so totally...I don't know.
Thank you, Garry, I'm very touched. Now get off the fucking stage.
- And Brooke? - Yes?
- Are you in? - In?
- Are you there? - What?
You're out. OK, I'll call again.
And on we go.
So, there you are, holding the receiver.
I hold the receiver. I hang it up. I leave the sardines.
- Always the same story... - And you take the newspaper.
I take the newspaper. I leave the sardines.
A weight off your mind, a load off your stomach.
- And off I go at last. - Leaving the receiver.
My housekeeper, yes, but...
And noises off. Stage!
This is her afternoon off, so we've got the place to ourselves.
- Wow! - I'll just check.
Hello? Anyone at home? There's no one here.
- What do you think? - Great! It's all yours?
Just a shack in the woods. Converted mill, 1 6th century.
- Must have cost a bomb. - Ideal for business.
Someone's coming at 4.00. Arab. Oil.
I've got to get those files to Basingstoke by 4.00.
We'll just manage to fit it in... Do it...
- Right. - We won't chill the champagne.
- All these doors! -Just a handful.
Study, kitchen and housekeeper's flat.
Which one's the...you know?
- Oh, through here. - Fantastic!
Now I've lost the sardines.
- I thought no one was here. - I'm not. Only it's the Royal...
The race where they wear those hats. Who are you?
From Squire, Squire, Hackham and Dudley.
- Which one are you, then? - I'm Tramplemain.
I thought you were a burglar.
I just dropped in to go into a few things...
Check some measurements... Do one or two odd jobs.
Oh, and I've got a prospective tenant.
- What's wrong with this door? - Her interest is aroused.
That's not the bedroom.
No, that's the downstairs bathroom and WC.
- The housekeeper, Mrs Crockett. - Clackett, dear.
- She's not here. It's the Royal. - It's black and white at home.
Don't worry about us. We'll just inspect the house.
- Now I've lost the newspaper. - Sardines!
- Sorry about this. - That's all right. We don't want the TV.
Sardines!
I forgot the sardines.
Lloyd! These damned sardines!
- We can't go on like this. - Can't go on like what, Garry?
It's OK for you, but we work with them, don't we?
- Sorry? - The sardines?
We're working our asses off
and there are four plates of sardines in act one.
Poppy! You want something instead of sardines?
- You want mashed banana? - We don't want mashed banana.
- We're changing the sardines. - We're not angry at you, Poppy.
I'm happy with the sardines if you are, hon.
- I'm happy if you are. - Garry, what are you saying?
Here we are, busting our guts up here and, Christ!
- I see. You got that, Poppy? - Well...
Right. On we go from Dotty's exit.
And Poppy? Don't let this happen again.
- No. - Sorry.Just getting that straight.
- As long as Dotty's happy. - Absolutely.
- Do something for me, Dotty. - Anything.
Take the sardines off with you.
- I'm sorry about this. - That's all right. We don't want the TV.
She's been in the family for generations.
Come on. I've got to be in Basingstoke by 4.00.
- Perhaps just some champagne? - Upstairs. And bring my files.
- Only... - What? Her?
She has been here for generations.
Sardines, sardines...
It's not for me to say, but I will say this: take the plunge, you'll enjoy it here.
Won't she?
- Yes, well... - We'll enjoy having you, won't we?
Terrific!
Sardines... Can't put your feet up on an empty stomach.
She thinks it's great. She's making us sardines.
She's terrific.
- Terrific. - So, which way?
All right. Before she comes back with the sardines.
- Up here? In here? - Yes, yes, yes.
Another bathroom. You always try to get me in the bathrooms!
- I mean in here. - Ooh! Black sheets!
That's the linen closet. This one, this one!
You're in a real state. Can't even get the door open.
- It's Mrs Clackett's afternoon off. - Hold it!
Look at it!
Hold it!
And God said, "Hold it!"
And they held it. And God saw that it was terrible.
- The door won't open. - This door won't close.
- And God said, "Poppy!" - You know I'm stupid about doors.
- You're doing perfectly. - As long as I didn't break it.
And there was Poppy. And God said,
"Be fruitful and multiply and fetch Tim to fix the doors."
I love tech rehearsals!
She loves tech rehearsals! Isn't she, just... Where's Dotty?
- Everyone's always so nice. - Belinda's being all, you know?
Freddy, don't you like an all-night tech?
Only because you can sit on the furniture.
- It's good to see you making jokes. - Oh, was that a joke?
This is such a nice company to work with.
Broadway in six months!
- Cleveland in three! - All right, Lloyd?
I know what God felt like when he sat in the dark, creating the world.
- What did he feel like? - Pleased he'd taken his Valium.
He had six days. We've only got six hours.
And God said, "Where the hell is Tim?"
And there was Tim.
And God said, "Let there be doors that open and close."
Do something? I was getting the bananas.
Doors! I bet God had a stage manager who understood English, too.
- That door won't close. - And the bedroom won't, you know?
- He hasn't been to bed for 48 hours. - Don't worry! Only another 24 hours.
Look, he's come down to earth amongst us.
Listen, since we've stopped...
It took two days to do the set, so we shan't have time for a dress rehearsal.
Don't worry. Think of the first night as the dress.
If we can just get through tonight for doors and sardines.
It's all about doors and sardines, getting on and off,
getting the sardines on and off.
That's farce. That's the theatre. That's life.
Oh, God, Lloyd. You're so deep.
So just keep going. Bang! Bang! Bang!
Bang, you're on! Bang, you've said it! Bang, you're off!
- Where's Selsdon? - Oh, God!
- Selsdon! - Poppy!
- I thought he was out front. - Is Mr Mowbray in his dressing room?
- Would he, during a tech? - Would who?
- Selsdon. - He wouldn't during a tech.
- Half a chance, he would. - What?
- Be fair. - Let's not jump to conclusions.
- Get the understudy. Tim! - Yes?
Hurry up with the doors. You're going on for Selsdon.
He should never have been let out of our sight. I said that.
He's been good in rehearsals.
In the rehearsal hall, it was all...you know?
You could see everyone.
Here, there's a front and a back and we've lost him.
- He's not in his dressing room. - Bathroom? Prop room? Paint shop?
Call the police! Doors finished? Get the gear on!
- I'm sorry, Dotty, my precious. - No, it's my fault.
- I cast him. - I said, "Give him one last chance."
We did summer stock together when I was a kid.
It's my fault, sweetheart.
- This tour is her life savings. - We know that, Garry.
I'm not out to make my fortune. I just wanted to put something away.
We know.
A little house. It's not much to ask.
- Don't blame yourself. - Sorry?
- Don't cry. - I've got something behind my lens.
It's not Brooke's fault.
He was right there before we started.
- Who? - It's all right. We know you can't see.
You mean Selsdon? I'm not blind. I can see Selsdon.
- Selsdon! - He's here!
Standing there like Hamlet's father.
- We thought you were...not there. - Where have you been?
- Are you all right? - Speak to us.
- Is it a party? - Is it a party?
Is it? How killing! I thought there was going to be a rehearsal.
I was having a post-prandial snooze so as to be ready for the rehearsal.
- Isn't he lovely? - Now we can see him.
- What are we celebrating? - What are we celebrating?
Tim, you look strained and anxious.
I can't find the gear. I've looked in his wardrobe... Oh.
- Beer? In the wardrobe? - No, Selsdon.
You need a break. Why don't you sit down and do the payroll?
- I'll do the bananas first. - He's been up for 48 hours.
And don't fall down, Tim. We may not be insured.
- What's next? - I thought we might try a rehearsal.
- I won't, thank you. - You won't?
No, I'll watch. Is this the beer in the wardrobe?
- No, he wants to rehearse. - But shouldn't we rehearse?
I knew you'd think of something. From Belinda and Freddy's entrance.
- What's happened now? - The police.
They've found an old man in a doorway.
- Thank you. - They say he's dirty and smelly.
I thought, "Oh, my God!" because when you get close to Selsdon...
- Poppy! - No, if you stand anywhere near him,
you can't help noticing this very distinctive...
I tell you, Poppy, once you get it in your nostrils, you never forget it.
Sixty years now, and the smell of the theatre still haunts me.
Bless him!
Poppy, how did you get a job like this that requires tact?
- You're not somebody's girlfriend? - Don't worry. He did not hear.
- Not here? - Yes, there.
- Go to sleep. - You're not on for 20 pages.
I might go back to sleep. I'm not on for 20 pages.
On we go. Dotty in the kitchen with sardines.
Garry and Brooke on the stairs, Freddy and Belinda waiting outside,
time sliding into the past.
- Aren't they sweet? Garry and Dotty. - You mean, they're...?
- It's supposed to be a secret. - But she's old enough to be...!
- Didn't you know? - I'm just God. I don't know anything.
- What's happening? - You tell me.
- What are we waiting for? - Her 1 8th birthday?
Or maybe just the cue. Brooke! "You can't even get the door open."
- You can't even get the door open. - Door closed, Garry, love!
You can't even get the door open.
We've got the place entirely to ourselves.
Look at it! I can't believe it!
- A perfect place for an assignation! - Home. Our secret hideaway.
- The last place anyone will look. - It's funny creeping in.
If the Inland Revenue find out, bang goes our claim to be resident abroad,
bang goes most of this year's income.
I wonder if Mrs Clackett's aired the beds.
- Darling! - Why not?
No children, no friends. We're on our own.
True. There is something to be said for being a tax exile.
Leave those!
Shh! The Inland Revenue may hear us.
What I did with that first lot of sardines I shall never know.
Mrs Clackett!
- My heart jumped out of my boots! - So did mine.
- I thought you were in Spain. - We are. We're not here.
- The income tax are after you? - They would be if they knew.
All right, love. You're not here. I haven't seen you.
- Off to bed, are you? - Well...
Nowhere like bed when it all gets on top of you.
- You'll want your things. - Yes.
- That bed isn't aired. - I'll get a hot-water bottle.
- All your letters are in the study. - You forward them, don't you?
- Not the ones from the income tax. - Oh, my God! Where are they?
- In the little pigeon-house, dear. - In the pigeon-house?
- I could hear voices. - What sort of voices?
Hold it! What's the trouble?
You know how stupid I am about moves. Sorry.
Why do I take the things into the study? Shouldn't I leave them?
- No. - I thought it might be more logical.
No.
I know it's late in the day, but...
- No, several minutes before we open. - As long as we're not too rushed.
Why does he carry the bag and groceries into the study?
- They have to be out of the way. - I see that.
And Selsdon needs them in the study.
- Where is Selsdon? Is he there? - Selsdon! Selsdon!
- Am I on? - No, no.
I thought I heard my voice.
No. Go back to sleep. You're not on for 10 pages.
- I see all that. - Oh, no.
- But why? - Why does anyone do anything?
Why does that other idiot go out with sardines?
- I'm not getting at you. - Of course not.
-Jesus, why do I? - Who knows?
Who knows?
The wellsprings of human action are deep and cloudy.
Maybe something happened when you were a small child
that made you frightened to let go of groceries.
- It could be genetic. - Or...you know.
- It could be. - I understand all that...
I'm telling you I don't know. I don't think the author knows.
I don't know why the author came into this industry. Or any of us.
If you could just give me a reason.
All right. I'll give you a reason.
You carry them into the study because it's slightly after midnight
and we're not going to be finished before we open tomorrow.
Correction. Before we open tonight!
And on we go, from after Freddy's exit, with groceries.
Lloyd, sweetheart, his wife left him this morning.
Oh.
Freddy?
I think the point is,
you had a great fright when she mentions income tax
and you felt insecure and exposed
and you wanted something familiar to hold on to.
Thank you, Lloyd.
- Bless you! - And on we merrily go.
"Yes, but I could hear voices."
- Yes, but I could hear voices. - What voices?
- People's! - No one's here.
- I saw the door handle move. - Must you put your tie on to look?
Mrs Clockett. She's been here for generations.
- Look, she's opened our sardines. - You can't go down like that.
- Why not? - Mrs Crackett. She's irreplaceable.
Sardines here, sardines there! It's like a Sunday school outing.
- You still poking around? - Yes, still poking. Still around.
- In the linen closet? - No, no!
Yes, just checking the sheets, going through the inventory.
- Mrs Blackett... - Clackett.
Is there anyone else in the house?
- No one. - I thought I heard voices.
- No voices here. - I must have imagined it.
- Oh, my God! - I beg your pardon!
- Oh, my God! - Why? What is it?
Oh, my God! The study door's open.
Oh, my God! There's another car outside.
That's not Mr Hackham's, is it?
Nothing but flapping doors in this house.
Final notice, steps will be taken, foreclosure, proceedings in court...
- A gentleman come about the house. - I'm not here.
- He's got a lady quite aroused. - Leave it to the agents.
Shall I let them go all over?
Anything, but don't tell anyone we're here.
I'll just sit down and... Sardines! I've forgotten the sardines.
If it wasn't fixed to my shoulders, I'd forget what day it was.
I didn't get this. I'm in Spain. If I didn't get it, I didn't open it.
Did I have a dress like this? I shouldn't buy anything this tarty.
- Did you give me it? - Never should have touched it!
Stick it down! Never saw it!
I'll put it in the attic with your other precious gifts.
All right. Now the study door's open again. What's going on?
Knocking!
Upstairs.
Oh, my God! There's something in the linen closet.
- Oh, it's you! - Of course it's me.
You put me in there with the black sheets.
- Why did you lock the door? - Why did you?
- I didn't! - Someone did.
We can't stand here... in your underwear.
- OK, I'll take it off. - In here!
This glue isn't the sort you can never get unstuck, is it?
- Hold it! - Mrs Clackett's made us sardines.
- We have a problem. - Which one this time?
- Left. - It's the left one.
- Left one! - Left one!
- Could be anywhere. - Could have bounced.
- Where did you last see it? - It was in her eye.
She opens her eyes very...don't you? I feel I should rush forward.
- Careful where you put your feet. - Everyone look under their feet.
No one move their feet!
Put your feet back where they were!
Pick up your feet one at a time.
Brooke, is this going to happen during a performance?
- She'll keep going. - Can she see?
- Can she hear without them? - Sorry? Oh, sorry!
- You stepped on his hand! - Oh, look at Freddy, the poor thing!
- What's the matter? - Nose bleed.
- No one touched him. - Violence makes his nose bleed.
Sorry. I thought you spoke to me.
Hit the manager with this to finish off theatre in Des Moines.
- Anyway, I've found it. - Where?
- In my eye. - Nice going.
- Your left eye? - Yes. Round the side.
- I knew it hadn't gone far. OK? - I think so.
Clear the stage. Walking wounded carry stretcher cases.
- All right, Freddy? - I just have a thing about...
- We understand. - On we bloodily stagger.
Freddy, I'll rephrase that. On we blindly stumble.
Brooke, I withdraw that. Anyway...
- Where's Selsdon? - Selsdon! Selsdon!
She might have dropped it out here.
Good. Keep looking. Only another five pages, Selsdon.
"Anyway, we can't stand here...in your underwear. OK, I'll take it off."
Darling, this isn't the sort of glue that never comes unstuck, is it?
Oh, Mrs Clackett's made us sardines.
- Now what? - A hot-water bottle.
- I didn't put it there. - I didn't.
Someone in the bathroom filling it.
- Is something creepy going on? - Darling, are you coming to bed?
- What did you say? - Nothing.
The door handle, the hot-water bottle...
- I've got goose pimples. - Get something on.
- Under the covers. - What did I do with the sardines?
You hear funny things about old houses.
But this one has been modernised. Nothing creepy could survive...
What? What is it? What's happening?
- The sardines! They've gone! - There is something funny going on.
I'm going to put my head under the...
- I put them there. - Bag!
Mrs Sprockett must have taken them away.
- Bag! - What?
- What is it? - Bag!
- Bag! - What do you mean?
- Bag! Bag! - What bag?
No bag! Your bag suddenly here, now gone!
- It's in the bedroom. - Don't go in there!
- The box! They've both gone. - My files!
- What's happening? Wait here! - No!
- Get dressed! - I'm not going in there.
I'll fetch your dress.
Your dress has gone.
Don't panic! Don't panic! There's some rational explanation.
Mrs Splodgett will tell us. You wait here.
No, you can't stand here like that.
Wait in the study. Study, study!
Roger, there's something in there. Where are you?
I know this is going to sound silly, but...
- I'm going to clear out the attic. - I'm glued to a tax demand.
- Why don't you put the sardines down? - I'm stuck to the sardines.
Get that bottle marked "poison". It eats through anything.
I've heard of people being stuck with a problem, but this is ridiculous!
Selsdon! You're on, Selsdon!
- We're there. The moment's arrived. - It's all right. He's coming.
The arm should have come through.
Ah! Here it comes.
No bars, no burglar alarms. They should be...
Hold it, Selsdon. Let's take it again.
Hold it, Selsdon! Hold it!
- Lloyd wants you to hold it. - Stop, Selsdon!
My God! Like the band playing on as the Titanic sank.
Stop?
- Thank you. Selsdon... - My dad was nearly on the Titanic.
He can hear better than I can. From your entrance.
- It was before the War, so... - Thank you. Poppy!
- No. Stops me sleeping. - Put the glass back.
- Come on again? - Right, only sooner. Like yesterday.
Freddy!
Start when Freddy opens the door. What's the line?
I've heard of getting stuck with a problem.
Start moving on, "I've heard of getting stuck with a problem."
I want your arm through the window, right?
- May I make one suggestion? - What?
Would it perhaps be better if I came on earlier?
Only there's a hiatus between Freddy's exit and my entrance.
- No, Selsdon, listen. - Yeah?
- I've got it. - What?
- Come on a little earlier. - We're thinking along the same lines.
Am I putting him on or vice versa? Freddy, from your exit.
I've heard of getting stuck with a problem, but this is ridiculous.
No bars, no burglar alarms. They should be prosecuted for incitement.
It makes me weep when I think I used to do banks, bullion vaults.
What am I doing now? Breaking into paper bags.
I know they're in Spain because the old turkey in the kitchen said so.
And I saw her go out in her swimming costume.
Get the van loaded. No rush. Only got all flaming afternoon.
What have they got to offer? One microwave oven.
#50. Hardly worth lifting it.
Cor! Come here!
Junk, junk, junk!
Well, yes, if you insist. Now, where's his desk?
They all say the same thing: it's hard to adjust to retirement.
The prospective tenant wishes to know of any history of the paranormal.
Yes, everything's nice and paranormal here.
Has anything ever dematerialised or flown about?
No, things move on their own two feet, just like in any house.
I'll tell the prospective tenant. She's inspecting the study.
- There's a man! - There's no one!
He's searching for something.
- I can't see no one. - This is extraordinary!
Where's my prospective tenant? She's gone! Disappeared!
- Oh, my God! - Now what?
The sardines! Can you see them?
Yes. I can see the way they're going.
I'm not letting them out of my hand. But where is she?
I can see I'm going to be opening sardines all night.
He said, "It's time to hand over the ammonia bottle to a younger man."
Where's she gone?
"I may be 70," I said,
"but I've still got all my wits about me."
- He didn't have an answer to that. - Vicki! Vicki!
- Or, if he did, I didn't hear it. - Darling, where are you?
That stuff doesn't eat through glue, just trousers.
You don't think it eats through...? I'd better get these trousers off.
This is an emergency! If it eats through anything...
I can feel it! It's eating through everything!
- An evil house! - The Inland Revenue!
- He's back! - I'm not here!
- Oh, my God! - I'm abroad. I must go.
- Stay! Speak! - Only in the presence of my lawyer.
Hold on! You're just an intruder! An ordinary intruder.
Nice to meet you. Have a sardine.
No, you're a sex criminal.
You've done something to Vicki. I'll sort you out.
You've got sardines.
If there's nothing I can offer, I'll be running along.
Come back! Hello? Police? Someone has broken into my house...
...into someone's house, and a young woman is missing.
- It's in the garden now, a man! - She's reappeared. Are you OK?
- No! He almost saw me! - He almost saw her!
- He's taken our things. - The things are here!
They're back! We're just missing sardines.
- Here they are! - We've found them.
This is the police? You want the police here? In my underwear?
Let's say no more. I thought something terrible had happened.
- It has. I know him. - You know him?
He's dealt with by our office. He mustn't see me like this.
- The Inland Revenue has standards. - Put something on.
- I haven't got anything. - Try the bathroom.
And bring the sardines.
I said, "When have I had to run off in the middle of a job for a piddle?"
Oh, my God! Where is it?
- Stay there till you're dressed. - I can't talk about tax in this!
I knew I shouldn't have brought the subject up.
Help! Where are you?
Put it on! It's a start.
I'll find a bottom. I'll find a top. Something.
Someone in there! It's him, it's him!
I'm finding such lovely things.
Remember the biscuit tin you gave me on our first anniversary?
- Who are you? - Oh, my God!
I've taken your dress off you.
Where have you been? I've been going mad! Look at the state I'm in!
I was trying to explain about the Inland Revenue
and my fingers got stuck.
Don't wave it in my face. I'm trying to find something.
- Pair of gold taps. Oh, God! - Who are you?
- Doing the taps. - Income tax?
That's right. In come the new taps, out go the old.
Tax inspectors everywhere!
Oh, my God! Boxes flying about! There is something funny going on.
Are you dressed yet?
I've got the dress stuck to my head now.
- A man! - Doing the taps.
- Attacks? On women? - I'll do the taps on the bath first.
Sex criminals everywhere. Where is Vicki? Vicki!
I'm off. Tax on women? They'll tax anything these days.
You're in trouble, you see?
- WC? I'll fix it. - Vicki!
Sheikh! I thought you were coming at 4.00!
And this is your charming wife?
You want to see over the house now? Since you're upstairs...
- Him and his floozy! - Let's start downstairs.
Who are you?
I don't know who she is. No connection with the house.
- This good lady with the sardines... - This time, I'm eating them.
...is fully occupied. The toilet facilities...
- Mrs Clackett, who are these people? -Just Arab sheikhs.
I'm sorry. This is the downstairs bathroom.
- Upstairs, we have... - Your ballcocks have gone.
- We have him. - Irish linen sheets off my own bed!
- In the study, however... - Give me that sheet!
There she stands in her smalls for all the world to see.
- It's my little girl. - Dad!
- My little Vicki that ran away. - Would you believe it?
- What are you doing here? - What about you?
I'm taking our files on tax evasion to Basingstoke.
Where's my other sheet?
Ah, a house of heavenly peace! I rent it!
- You! - Is it?
I still have my trousers round my ankles. I have no dresser.
Get Tim to help you.
Tim! Where's Tim?
Come on, Tim!
- What? - Oh, you're acting.
- I must have dozed off. - Never mind.
- Do something? - No, we'll struggle through.
Tim sleeps while we run around with our trousers round our ankles.
OK, Freddy, from your entrance with trousers round ankles.
"So, where's my other sheet?" Some other problem, Freddy?
- Since we're stopped... - Why did I ask?
I'm stupid about plot. Could I ask another dumb question?
All of my studies in world drama lie at your disposal.
Why is the sheikh Philip's double?
He comes in and we think he's, you know...
- That's the joke. - I see that.
- The plot depends on it. - But it is a coincidence, isn't it?
It is kind of a coincidence, Freddy, yes.
Until you reflect that there was an earlier draft of the play.
In this, it's clear that Philip's father, as a young man,
travelled in the Middle East.
- I see. - You see?
- Interesting. - Yes.
- Will the audience get it? - You show them.
- That's what acting's about. - Thank you, Lloyd.
So, from your entrance, Freddy.
What's going to be left of this show when I'm back in New York
and you're up there on your own?
So, where's my other sheet?
Ah! A house of heavenly peace! I rent it!
- You! - Is it?
- Who else? - You ask to view this house
when you're a trouserless tramp!
- You took the clean sheets! - You snatched my nightdress.
You tossed me aside like a broken china doll.
I won't ask what you were up to with my girl, but I'll tell you one thing.
- Brooke! - Sorry.
Your line! We're two lines from the end of the act.
- I don't understand. - Tell her.
- "What's that, Dad?" - But I don't understand.
I say, "I'll tell you something." You say, "What's that, Dad?"
I don't understand why the sheikh looks like Philip.
Poppy! Bring the book!
Is it "I don't understand why the sheikh looks like Philip"?
Can we consult the author's text? "What's that, Dad?"
Right. That's the line.
We know you've worked in places where you make it up as you go along,
but we don't want that here, not when there's a polished line already.
Not at 1 a.m., not two lines from the end of act one.
Not when we're about to get a coffee break.
We merely want to hear the line "What's that, Dad?" That's all.
Nothing else!
I'm not being unreasonable, am I?
Exit? Does it say "exit"?
Oh, my God. She's going to wash away her lenses.
- Oh, dear. - A little heavy.
I thought it was going to be Poppy.
- This is all my fault. - Why Brooke?
- It was sweet. - Sweet?
- A lovers' quarrel. - You mean Lloyd and Brooke?
Where do you think they've been all weekend?
That's why he didn't realise the set was wrong.
- Shh! Here they come. - All forgotten. I was irresistible.
- I'm going to throw up. - What?
- Oh, no! - Oh, God!
- Poppy? - You pig!
- You mean...? - I didn't know that.
- I'm going to faint. - Head between your knees.
- Nothing she didn't know! - Two weeks' rehearsal. That's all!
- What's next? - Most exciting.
- Is she all right? - She will be. Something she ate.
- This one's a bit, you know? - I'm feeling a bit, you know, myself.
- I need that coffee break. - You're certainly overdoing it.
Can we just have the last line of the act?
Me? Last line? Right. Well, I'll tell you one thing, Vicki.
What's that, Dad?
When all around is uncertainty,
there's nothing like a good old-fashioned plate of sardines.
- And curtain! - Oh.
All right. Let's reset for night, act two.
In fact, they loved it in Des Moines. At the end of act two, they laughed.
What's this?
There's only one thing missing: a plate of sardines.
Yeah. They clapped and clapped. In Des Moines.
Well, they clapped. Even Selsdon heard them.
But then there was Decatur, Illinois,
then there was Cairo, Missouri, and Paducah, Kentucky.
I wasn't there for the difficulties in Decatur or the problems in Paducah,
but I couldn't always hold their hands.
How could I be in Decatur and Paducah when I was doing Hamlet in New York?
I caught up with the show in Miami Beach.
I was right in there with them when they did that famous matinée.
- Sir, your ticket? - I'm the director. Don't tell anyone.
Act one places. Your calls, Miss Otley, Miss Ashton,
Mr Lejeune, Mr Dallas, Miss Blair. Act one places, please.
Do you think we'll get act one places?
She'll pull herself together now we've called places. Won't she?
- Will she? - You know Dotty.
We're only at Miami Beach. What will it be like by Cleveland?
- If only she'd speak. - Or unlock the door.
- If she won't go on... - Won't.
If she won't... Of course she will, but if she doesn't...
- She must! - She will. But if she didn't...
- I'd have five minutes to change. Four. - If only she'd say something.
I'll try again. Helps take your mind off your own problems.
- Has she gone? - Lloyd!
I didn't know you were coming to Miami Beach.
- I wasn't. - Good you're here! Dotty and Garry...
No one must know I'm in. Hide this somewhere.
Right... They've had a fight.
There's a flower stall round the back. Buy some expensive-looking flowers.
- Right. Dotty's locked herself in. - Don't let Poppy see.
She won't speak to anyone.
The matinée finishes by five.
I want two hours alone with Brooke in her dressing room,
then I'm back to New York.
- There may not be a show. - She's walked out already?
- She's locked in and won't speak. - You've called places?
- Yes. - I can't do it in five minutes.
- She's broken up with Garry before. - Brooke?
Not Brooke, Dotty. There was the one the week before last in Pittsburgh.
She went out with a reporter, but Garry threatened to kill him.
Don't worry. Dotty's got money in the show.
But last night, Garry wakes me at 2 a.m. asking where Dotty is.
Let me tell you about my life.
Hamlet's ghost complains every evening
that Polonius is sucking sourballs through his speeches.
Claudius is off doing a soap and Gertrude is off doing a commercial.
Hamlet himself has come down with a psychological problem.
Then Brooke rings to say she's got a doctor's certificate for exhaustion.
I can't find a new Vicki.
I have just one afternoon while Hamlet sees his shrink
to cure Brooke of her exhaustion with some whisky,
a few flowers - you've got the money - and a certain fading bedside manner.
I haven't come to hear others' problems,
but to be taken out of myself and not put back.
- But... - Done the front-of-house calls?
- Front-of-house calls. - Don't let Poppy see those flowers!
Ladies and gentlemen, take your seats. The curtain will rise in three minutes.
- We're going to be so late. - No luck?
I haven't even started the front-of-house calls.
- Money. Is that for me? - No, no!
Whisky. Where did you find that? Not up here?
He's hiding it up here! I'll put it downstairs where he can't find it.
- No? - You know Dotty. Freddy's trying.
- God! - He's hiding them here. No?
- No. - You didn't try for long.
- He's hiding them here now. - Garry came rushing out.
I couldn't understand him. I am stupid. But I think he wanted to kill me.
- You poor thing! - I left him alone. Is he all right?
- Anything but! - He's going on?
Going on? Garry? Of course Garry's going on!
If you have to go on for Garry, Poppy can't go on for Dotty.
- Oh, God! - Money! For us?
No... Oh, my God!
Dotty's so up and down. She was perfectly all right last night.
- Last night? - She took me to a pub she knows.
She was with you? You were with her?
- She was very sympathetic. - She's not sinking her teeth in!
No. She came up for coffee and told me her troubles.
We talked till 3 a.m. I don't know what room service thought.
And another thing. Where's Selsdon?
- It turns out Freddy... Selsdon? - Not in his dressing room.
- Front-of-house calls! - Do them. I'll get Selsdon.
- What should I do? - Nothing. You've done enough already.
Ladies and gentlemen, take your seats.
The curtain will rise in three minutes.
- He wants to kill someone? - Selsdon?
- Garry. - We've lost Selsdon.
- Oh, my God! - Flowers!
They're just, you know.
Tim, that's sweet of you. Isn't that sweet?
- Charming. - I'll look in the bar. Hold these.
I'll take those. Front-of-house calls! Hold these.
- Poppy's done them. - Did she give them two minutes?
Ladies and gentlemen, take your seats.
The curtain will rise in one minute.
- I think she said three minutes. - Did she?
- I think so. - Hold these.
Ladies and gentlemen, take your seats.
The curtain will rise in two minutes.
- Any luck? - No, but I found this.
Hidden behind the fire extinguisher.
- I'll take it. - Put it somewhere out of sight.
- He's...not in the bar. - Have you checked the green room?
- Yes. - I'll check again.
Take your seats. The curtain will rise in two minutes.
- Tim's said that. - He has?
Take your seats. The curtain will rise in one minute.
- What the fuck is going on? - Lloyd!
- I didn't know you were here. - I'm in New York.
But I can't sit out there and listen to that.
- We're having big dramas back here. - And out there.
This is a matinée. Senior citizens!
Curtain up in three minutes, we all start for the gents.
- One minute, we run out again. - I've got to talk to you.
Just tell me one thing. Is Brooke going on?
- Brooke? You're going on, aren't you? - Sorry?
- All right? - All right?
- She sounds like her usual self. - Lloyd!
- What's this? - I was lying on the floor and...
- On the floor? - For relaxation.
- I saw it behind the radiator. - Oh, my God!
- I'll hide it. - In Brooke's dressing room.
- What's this? - Oh, yes. Sorry.
- Tim bought them for me. - You?
- We've got to talk. - I've heard all I want.
- What about Dotty? - No!
- Selsdon? - This show is beyond my help.
Just do it. I'll sit out there with a bag of sweets and enjoy it.
One minute was the last call, if you remember.
- Is she all right? - It's her way of relaxing.
I couldn't concentrate back there with the shouting.
- It's her breathing. - You don't have to go on.
It's only a matinée. I'm sure Poppy would love to do it.
- I'll see what's up with Dotty. - Freddy, my darling!
- What? - Where's Tim?
Where have you been? We looked for you everywhere.
- Everywhere. There's no sign of him. - He's been looking for you.
Great shindig going on back there. I thought Tim should know.
- He's heard. - Everything! He really went for her!
"I've seen the way you're looking at Freddy," he says.
- Oh, God! - Me?
- Yes, darling. - Are you sure?
Maybe Teddy. Teddy or Freddy. Anyway...
- They're coming! - I knew they wouldn't.
- And you're here? - Yes. Every word.
Ladies and gentlemen, take your seats. The performance is about to begin.
- They're coming! - We found Selsdon.
- How did you get here? - How? She took it amiss.
Ladies and gentlemen, take your seats...
- I've done it! I've done it! - Oh.
- Lloyd will choke on his sweets! - Garry, darling!
Trying to give a fellow a leg up, or a leg over...
- Oh, there he is. - Are you all right?
- What did he say? - Nothing.
Very sensible.
"You've got your claws into Freddy," he said.
- Dotty! - Is she all right?
- She's fine. - All right, everyone?
- Teddy or Freddy. - Hush, dear!
Places, please.
Garry, Dotty, I won't make a big speech,
but we've got to go and perform.
- And, well... - We can't do it in silence.
We have to speak to each other.
- What's the house like? - That's the spirit!
- Well done! - Good for a matinée.
There's a crowd at the back of the orchestra.
Come on. Some of those seniors haven't got long.
Quiet, then, please.
Pre-set, please. Quiet on stage, stand by, curtain up, act one.
- Now what? - We're going up.
We've been sitting out there an hour.
- I was just saying a few words. - You need a brain transplant.
Wrong moment. I see that.
- Any other thoughts to communicate? - Not right now. Later.
- You bought these flowers for Poppy? - No, well, yes.
- And none for...B? - Well, no.
- Have you heard of jealous rage? - Yes.
Then take $ 1 0 of your money and buy some flowers for me!
You two can have Freddy's old brain. You can have half each!
- Oh, dear! - Don't cry, hon.
Get the old bus on the road.
Act one: music,
summer noises, house lights, go!
Coming! Oh, Lord love a duck!
I'm coming!
Shut up! I'm coming!
Hold on!
I can't open sardines and answer the phone.
I've only got one pair of hands.
Hello? Yes, but there's no one here.
No, Mr Brent's not here...
This is my housekeeper's afternoon off,
- so we've got the place to ourselves. - Wow!
I'll just check. Hello! Anyone at home?
There's no one. What do you think?
- All these doors! - Just a handful.:
study, kitchen and housekeeper's flat.
Terrific! Which one's the, you know...?
- Oh, through here. - Fantastic!
Now I've lost the sar...
I've lost the sardines!
Sorry. I thought there was no one here...
Sardines! Sardines!
It's not for me to say, of course...
- Up here? In here? - Yes, yes, yes!
- It's another bathroom. - No, no, no!
- Ooh! Black sheets! - It's the linen closet.
- This one, this one. - You're in a state.
You can't even get the door open.
It's Mrs Clackett's afternoon off. We've got the place to ourselves.
- Look at it! - Do you like it?
- I can't believe it! - A perfect place for an assignation...
Sardines here, sardines there! It's like a Sunday school outing.
Oh, my God!
- I beg your pardon? - Oh, my God!
- Why, what is it? - My God, the study door's open...
Nothing...but...flapping...
...doors...in...this...house...
Give it to me!
Darling, I never had a...
I never had a dress...
- Or, rather, flowers like these? - Oh, didn't you?
I shouldn't buy anything as tarty...
Oh, God!
All right! Now the study door's open again.
What's going on?
Knocking!
Knocking?
Knocking.
Upstairs!
There's something in the linen closet!
Oh, it's you.
Is it you? I mean, hidden under all the sheets and towels in here?
I can't, you know, just stand here indefinitely.
Of course it's me. You put me here with all the black sheets.
Darling, why did you lock the door?
I didn't. Why did you lock the door?
I didn't. Anyway, we can't stand here like this.
- Like what? - In your underwear.
- OK, I'll take it off. - You! On!
Darling, this isn't the glue you can never get unstuck, is it?
Oh, look! Mrs Clackett's made us some sardines.
A hot-water bottle? I didn't put it there. I didn't...
I mean, I'm standing here with this hot-water bottle in my hand!
Of course it's me!
You put me in here with all the black sheets.
Someone in the bathroom?
What? Don't panic! Don't panic!
- Why did you lock the door? - Don't panic! Don't panic!
There's a rational explanation...
- You wait in the study. Study, study! - Oh!
There's something in there...
I've heard of getting stuck with a problem, but this is ridiculous.
I've heard of getting stuck with a problem...
...but this is ridiculous!
No bars, no burglar alarms.
They should be prosecuted for incitement.
Lloyd.
Ooh, yes... A line? A prompt?
- Get the van loaded. - What?
Get the van loaded!
Right... Get the van loaded.
- There's a man in there! - No one's there.
- Look! He's searching for something. - No one...
Oh, no! Oh, dear!
There's something even in this...
You're a sex criminal! I'm going to come and sort you...
You've got sardines? If there's nothing I can offer you...
Are you all right?
You killed him!
- Police! - I think I'll be running along.
Come back! Hello? Police? Someone has broken into my house...
And a young woman is missing.
And a young woman is missing.
And a young...
...woman is missing!
It's in the garden now, and it's a...
Tim!
No sheikh yet? I thought he was coming at four. I mean, it's nearly...
...four now, well, it's after three.
I've been standing here for ever.
Lloyd, listen! I've got to talk to you now.
- Now is... - Not a good time. I know. It never is.
- You're right! Freddy's quick change! - Christ, his change!
Those thieving devils! Give me that sheet!
There she stands, in her sheet that won't come off so no one can see her.
My little girl! As far as I could see.
- Dad! - Surely that was my little Vicki...
So, where's my...?
So, where's my other sheet?
Ah! A house of heavenly peace! I rent it!
I've tried calling you. I know you're in rehearsals, but you're never there.
No! I'm not going to be put off!
I know you'll be seeing her. She's being difficult, isn't she?
Then you'll be on the next train to New York.
I bet there's somebody else in Hamlet, but you can't just walk away.
I'm sorry, but you've got to hear because I'm pregnant.
And curtain!
If you thought Miami Beach was as bad as it could get, you were mistaken.
Things got a lot worse backstage by the time we got to Spartanburg.
After Spartanburg was Lynchburg.
After Lynchburg, Parkersburg and Petersburg.
After Parkersburg and Petersburg,
there was Peter-Piper-picked-a-peck- of-pickled-peppers-burg.
But nothing could have prepared us for the final horror.
Cleveland.
I'm something you'll never be, and that's a star!
Your cockney accent sounds like Dolly Parton.
Stay away from Freddy! He never did anything to you!
- Garry was using you! - Quiet!
Hold on! I'm coming! Hold your horses. I'll be right there.
Hold on! I can't get sardines off the floor and answer the phone.
I've only got one leg.
Hello?
Hello? Yes, but there's no one here, love.
Mr Brent's not here now. He lives in Spain.
Yes, he writes plays,
though why he wants to get mixed up in plays, God knows.
He'd be safer in a snake pit. No, she's in Spain, too.
They're all in Spain.
Am I in Spain? No, I'm not in Spain! I'm in agony, that's where I am!
We haven't been on the road three months and she's trying to kill me!
I'm standing with a plate of sardines and she kicks me in the...
Where the hell are they? If it's to do with renting...
- Selsdon! - Selsdon?
- I can't find him. - I'll find him.
No, they're next to the study in the phone.
Squire, Squire, Hackham and... Hold on!
I'm going to do something wrong here. Oh, yes!
Always the same. As soon as you've got too much on your plate,
you go putting your foot in it.
Oh, speak of the Devil.
They'll all go putting their foot in it now, won't they? Well...
I'll just put that down. That'll keep them out of harm's way.
What I'm holding now I don't know.
And off I go at last.
My housekeeper, yes, but this is her afternoon off.
So we've got the place entirely to ourselves.
- Wow! - I'll just check.
Hello? Anyone at home?
No, there's no one here.
- So, what do you think? - Great!
Is it all yours?
Just a little shack in the woods.
Converted mill, sixteenth century.
Well, one has to have somewhere to entertain business associates.
Someone on the phone now, by the look of it.
Probably this Arab, saying he's coming at four.
I'll have a word with him.
I've got to get those files to Basingstoke by four.
We'll just manage to pick it in, to fit it up, I mean...
- Right, then. - We won't pull the champagne.
All these doors!
Only a handful: study, kitchen and the flat for the...receiver.
- Terrific! Which one's the... - What?
- You know. - Oh, yes, through here.
- It's, umm...through here. - Fantastic.
- I've come for my sardines. - I thought no one was here.
- I'm not. - I'm from the agents.
Lost the phone now. Never lost the phone before.
- I'm Tramplemain. - I'll put it here in case it's wanted.
Thanks. I dropped in to check some measurements, do some odd jobs.
- The plate's gone. - I've got a prospective tenant.
- What's wrong with this door? - Her interest is aroused.
- That's not the bedroom. - No, no.
That's the bathroom. This is the housekeeper, Mrs Crockett.
- Sardines! Sardines! - She's not really here.
- You're standing on them. - It's the Royal.
- You shouldn't have! - Don't worry about us.
- I need them! - We'll inspect the house.
- I'll have to wash the floor. - Sorry about this.
- That's all right. We don't want a TV. - A TV?
Right. She didn't explain about wanting to watch the Royal
because of this thing with the...
In case somebody's looking at this and thinking, "My God!"
- I've got to be gone by four. -Just getting that straight.
- We'll take it up. Bring my files. - Where are we?
- What? Her? - Her? OK, her!
She's been in the family for generations.
I'll wash the floor with this and they'll be out of your way.
- Look what I've got. - Great!
- Like a battlefield back there. - Terrific!
I'll put this here. Then, if he wants it, he won't know where to find it.
You'll have to do the sardines because I've got to do more sardines.
See? She's even making us sardines.
- What do you think? - She's terrific.
- Do you want...? - Which way?
I don't know. Just wrap them in the, you know...
- Up here? - I'll do the...
In here? It's another bathroom.
- Box! Bag! - Trying to get me in the bathroom!
- Bag! Box! - Oh! Black sheets!
- Box, box, bag, bag! - You're in a real state.
If we haven't got the, you know, upstairs, I mean...
You can't even open the door.
This is Mrs Clackett's afternoon off.
- We've got the place to ourselves. - Look at it! I can't believe it.
- Perfect for an assignation. - Home! The phone was in the garden.
- I'll put it back. - Someone's bound to want it.
- Put it on the table. - The wire's caught.
Look! It's caught round the downstairs bathroom.
- I've disentangled it. - I climbed in the window and... Oh.
- Anyway, our secret hideaway. - The last place anyone will...
Look for us? Yes. It's funny creeping in like this.
- What? - You're thinking it's damned serious.
- Sorry, yes. Damned serious. - About the Inland Revenue.
Absolutely. To cut a long story short, I think I'll wash up and go to bed.
But we must talk about the Inland Revenue.
If they find out we're in the country,
bang goes our claim to be resident abroad. Leave those!
- Downstairs! Not upstairs! - The Inland Revenue may hear!
One moment they're kicking you, the next they expect more sardines.
- Mrs Newspaper! - My heart jumped right out of itself!
- We thought you'd gone. - I thought you were in Sardinia.
- We are! - You haven't seen us.
They brought me a present.
The taxman is after us.
- I know who thought of this. - We're off to bed.
- Leaves them on the sofa! - Is it aired?
- I've got a surprise for you! - No? I'll get a hot-water bottle.
- No! No! - Let me at her!
- Oh, dear! - She's left you on your own?
Must you talk to yourself? Has she told you about your letters?
- What? - The tax letters are in the study.
- I say that! - In the pigeon-house.
- The pigeon-house? - The pigeon-hole!
Anybody would think you were married.
- But I could hear voices. - Voices? What sort of voices?
- Box voices... People's boxes. - There's no one here.
I saw the door handle move, and these bags, I mean...
I'm not sure they were, you know, when we went in.
Do you have to put your tie on?
If someone left them outside,
I mean, they obviously wish them to be downstairs in the...
- Mrs Clockett? - Could be.
Carrying various things. Who knows?
You can't go like that. Mrs Crackett. She's irreplaceable.
Well, at least I thanked her properly for the sardines.
- Still poking around, are you? - Yes, still poking. Still pulling.
Lucky I can't see far with this leg.
Just trying all the doors, checking all the door handles.
- Mrs Blackett. - Clackett.
- Is there anyone else in the house? - No one.
I heard boxes... I found these voices.
- No. - I must have imagined it.
Oh, my God!
I beg your pardon?
Oh, my God!
- What is it? - Oh, my God! The study door's open.
They'll need these inside the...
So I'll just put them outside the... Then they can, you know?
Nothing but flapping doors in this...handle.
Final notice, steps will be taken, foreclosure, proceedings in court...
- Oh, my God! Who are you? - I'm Philip.
You're Philip? What happened to you?
There were sardines on the floor and I slipped.
She's killed him! She's killed you!
No, he's just a bit shaken. I'll be all right in a minute.
You weren't going to tell me a gentleman had come about the house?
What?
- A gentleman about the house? - A gentleman come about the house.
- Don't tell me. I'm not here. - You haven't hurt himself?
Leave everything to Squire, Squire, Hackham and Poppy.
All right, I'll just sit down and turn on the sardines.
I've forgotten the sardines.
No, I haven't. I remembered the sardines. Well, what a surprise!
I'll just go and fix some more sardines to celebrate.
I didn't get this. I'm not here. I'm in Spain.
But if I didn't get it, I didn't open it.
Darling...
- I never had a handle like this. - Didn't you?
I shouldn't buy anything this brassy. Or did you give it to me?
- I should never have touched it. - It's lovely.
Stick it down, put it back. Never saw it.
I'll put it in the attic in case anyone else wants to have a try.
All right. Now the study door's... closed again. What's going on?
Knocking! Upstairs!
There's something in the linen... Oh, my God!
Listen, I can't. I can't because the handle seems to have...
You'll just have to... Come on!
Whatever's in there... Can you hear me, darling?
There's no need to keep banging.
It won't, you know? There's no place to...
Listen, climb round into the...
Squeeze through the, you know? Shin down the...
There must be some way. For God's sake!
Final notice, steps will be taken, foreclosure, proceedings in court...
- It's you! - Of course!
You put me in there with the black sheets.
I put you in there, but you squeezed through.
- Why did you lock the door? - I couldn't. It's come off.
- Someone locked the door. - Sorry.
You can't stand here like that. I mean, with people going in and out.
- OK, I'll take it off. - In here!
Final notice, steps will be taken, foreclosure, proceedings in court...
- Now what? - A hot-water box!
I didn't put it there.
Sorry.
Is someone in the bathroom filling first-aid bottles?
Darling! Darling, are you coming to bed or aren't you?
- What did you say? - Nothing.
The door handle, the first-water box.
- I've got goose pimples. - Get something on.
- Under the covers! - What about the sardines? Wait!
You hear funny things about old houses.
But this one has been modernised. Nothing creepy could survive...
What? What is it? What's happening?
The sardines! They've gone!
No, they haven't! They're here! Oh! Well! My God!
You put a plate of sardines down for two minutes
and the last thing you expect to find, these days...
You do not expect to find a plate of... That's weird.
I'm going to get into bed and put my head under the...
Because there they are, exactly where I...
- Bag! - I suppose Mrs Sprockett must have...
- I mean,Jesus! What is going on? - Bag!
- Bag? - Bag! Bag!
- What do you mean? Sardines! - Bag! Bag! Bag!
- Sardines! Sardines! - Bag! Bag! Bag!
- Bag! Bag! Bag! - Bag? What bag?
- No bag! - No bag?
- Your bag suddenly here, now gone! - It's in the bedroom.
I put it there. I'll put it in the bedroom.
Don't go in there!
The box! They've both not gone!
Where's Mrs Sprockett? Wait in the bedroom!
- No! - Get dressed, then!
- I'm not going in there. - I'll fetch your dress out here.
Your dress has gone.
Don't panic! Don't panic! There's a rational explanation...
...for this.
- This is going to sound silly, but... - I'm going to clear out the attic.
- Are you all right? - Oh, my God!
- She's killed him. - He's stunned.
- Oh, dear. - She put sardines on the stairs.
- Don't panic! - He's all right!
- She'll get you next time. - There's a rational explanation.
- I'll fetch Mrs Splodgett. - You have. I'm here.
- She'll tell us what's happening. - No, she won't. She doesn't know.
- I'll tell you. - A man's there.
No, he's not there. He's here, and so am I.
No, no. There's no one in the house.
No, I know this is a surprise.
It's quite a shock finding a man lying at the bottom of the stairs.
But now we've all met, we'll just have to introduce ourselves.
This is my husband. He hates surprises.
So, why don't you get that stuff in the loo that eats through anything?
Eats through anything. Right. Thank you.
I've heard of getting stuck with a problem, but this is ridiculous.
No bars, no burglar alarms.
They should be prosecuted for incitement.
- Come in and join the party, honey. - A burglar!
This is most exciting.
It's my fault. I say, "I've heard of getting stuck with a problem,"
and open this door...
No bars, no burglar alarms.
They should be prosecuted for incitement.
Oh, dear. I've done it again.
- It makes me want to weep. - I know. It's getting like a funeral.
- When I think I used to do banks. -Just keep going!
When I remember I used to do bullion vaults.
What am I doing now? Breaking into paper bags.
- Keep going. - I thought the coast was clear.
- I saw him go through. - We'll think of something.
I was listening. What's it he says?
I've heard of getting stuck with a problem, but this is ridiculous.
No bars, no burglar alarms. They should be prosecuted for incitement.
- Oh, no! - They always come in threes.
When I think I used to do banks.
When I remember I used to do bullion vaults.
Hold on! We know this man!
He's not a burglar, he's our social worker!
He's that nice man who comes and tells us what to do.
- I've been working on Hamlet. - You think he needs it more?
- He's playing the burglar now? - No.
- Let me think... Fetch the sardines. - I've fetched the sardines.
- You have? - She's fetched the sardines.
- Get the tax demand. - He has.
All right. I suggest, I suggest...
- What's he saying? - He's saying, "Ring the police!"
Ring the police!
It's for you.
- No phone! - Get the phone.
- Here's the phone. - We've found the phone!
- Pick it up! - Pick it up!
It's the police. I'll just tell them a young woman is missing.
It's in the garden now, and it's a man!
Oh, it's her! We forgot all about her.
- No, he almost saw me. - What do you think of that?
I've got to get the 8.40 to New York.
Ah! House of heavenly peace. I rent it.
- Oh, it's the other one! - In her wedding dress.
Yes, yes! It's their wedding day.
What a happy ending. To the first act. Of their new life together.
They just want to be alone, if only someone would pull the shades.
- Come in? - It's the bride's mother.
- Go out? - Pull the shades!
Last line!
- I'll tell you one thing, Vicki. - What's that, Dad?
When all around is uncertainty,
there's nothing like a good, old-fashioned plate of...curtain!
What's this?
Only one thing we're missing now: a plate of...
Sardines!
Bravo!
Yes! I did it!
We did it!
My wonderful cast! I knew we'd make it.
Never doubted it for a moment.
Let me tell you, you are a wonderful stage-door keeper.
Look at these two. Don't they make a wonderful couple?
Tim's wonderful, she's wonderful, whoever she is.
Poppy's wonderful, the baby's going to be wonderful.
We're all wonderful. I'm wonderful.
That's all it takes for success.: wonderful actors, teamwork,
dedication, six months on the road, professionalism.
Plus something else - I think some kind of miracle.
Don't forget the miracle.
And by the way, another funny thing happened on the road.
I didn't tell you about this one.
You don't believe this? Neither do I.
Never seen anything like it. But what did Shakespeare say?
There's no business like show business
Like no business I know
NYPD Blue
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