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Notting Hill - Ultimate Edition

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So stay with us|because later this afternoon,
we're lucky enough|to be talking to Anna Scott,
Hollywood's biggest star by far.
Miss Scott's latest film|is once again topping the charts.
Of course l've seen her films...
and always thought|she was, well, fabulous.
But, you know, a million, million miles|from the world l live in...
which is here, Notting Hill,|my favourite bit of London.
There's the market on weekdays selling|every fruit and vegetable known to man.
Rock-hard bananas,|five for a pound !
The tattoo parlour|with a guy outside who got drunk...
and now can't remember|why he chose ""l love Ken.""
The radical hairdressers...
where everyone comes out|looking like the Cookie Monster,
whether they want to or not.
And then, suddenly,|it's the weekend,
and from break of day hundreds|of stalls appear out of nowhere,
filling Portobello Road,|right up to Notting Hill Gate.
And wherever you look thousands of|people are buying millions of antiques,
some genuine and some...|not quite so genuine.
And what's great is that lots of friends|have ended up in this part of London.
That's Tony, for example,|architect turned chef,
who recently invested all the money|he ever earned in a new restaurant.
And so, this is where|l spend my days and years...
in this small village in the middle of|the city in a house with a blue door...
that my wife and l bought together|before she left me for a man...
who looked exactly like Harrison Ford.
And where l lead a strange half-life|with a lodger called--
Spike !
You couldn't help me with an incredibly|important decision, could you ?
lmportant compared to, let's say,|whether they cancel Third World debt ?
That's right. l am at last going out|on a date with the great Janine,
and l just wanna be sure|l've picked the right T-shirt.
- What are the choices ?|- Well, wait for it.
First there's this one.|Cool, huh ?
Yeah, it might make it hard|to strike a really romantic note.
Point taken.|Don't despair.
lf it's romance we're looking for,|l believe l have just the thing.
Yeah, well, there again, she might not|think you had true love on your mind.
Right.|Just one more.
True love here l come.
Well, yeah. Yeah, that's--|that's, um, perfect.
Great. Thanks.
- Wish me luck.|- Good luck.
And so it was|just another hopeless Wednesday,
as l walked the thousand yards|through the market to work,
never suspecting that this was the day|that was gonna change my life forever.
This is work, by the way,|my little travel bookshop,
- Morning, Martin.|- Morning, Monsignor.
which, um, well, sells travel books,
and, to be frank with you,|doesn't always sell many of those.
Classic.|Profit from major sales push,
minus 347.
Shall l, uh,|go and get you a cappuccino ?
- You know, ease the pain a bit.|- Yeah, yeah.
Better make it a half.|All l can afford.
Get your logic.|Demi-cappu coming right up.
Um, can l help you at all ?
No, thanks.|l'll just... look around.
Fine.
Uh, that book's really not great.
Just in case, you know, browsing turned|to buying. You'd be wasting your money.
But if it's Turkey|you're interested in,
um, this one, on the other hand,|is very good.
Um, l think the man who wrote it has|actually been to Turkey, which helps.
Um, there's also|a very amusing incident with a kebab,
um, which is one|of many amusing incidents.
Thanks.|l'll think about it.
Or, in the bigger hardback variety,|there's--
l'm sorry.|Can you just give me a second ?
Excuse me.
- Yes ?|- Bad news.
What ?
We've got a security camera|in this bit of the shop.
So ?
So l saw you put that book|down your trousers.
- What book ?|- The one down your trousers.
l don't have a book|down my trousers.
Right.
l tell you what.|Um, l'll call the police, and, um,
if l'm wrong about the whole|""book down the trousers"" scenario,
l really apologize.
Okay. What if... l did|have a book down my trousers ?
Well, ideally,|when l went back to the desk,
you'd remove the Cadogan Guide|to Bali from your trousers...
and either wipe it|and put it back or buy it.
l'll see you in a sec.
l'm sorry about that.
No, it's fine.
l was gonna steal one,|but now l've changed my mind.
Oh, signed by the author,|l see.
Um, yeah, couldn't stop him.
lf you can find an unsigned one,|it's worth an absolute fortune.
Excuse me.
- Yes ?|- Can l have your autograph ?
Uh, sure.
- What's your name ?|- Rufus.
What does it say ?
That's my signature. And above it, it|says, ""Dear Rufus, you belong in jail.""
Good one.
- Do you want my phone number ?|- Tempting.
But... no.|Thank you.
l will take this one.
Oh, right, right.|So, uh--
Well, on second thoughts,|um, maybe it's not that bad after all.
Actually, it's a sort|of a classic, really.
None of those childish kebab stories|you find in so many books these days.
And, um, l tell you what.
l'll throw in|one of those for free.
Useful for, uh, lighting fires,
wrapping fish,|that sort of thing.
- Thanks.|- Pleasure.
Cappuccino, as ordered.
Thanks.
l don't think you'll believe|who was just in here.
Who ?|Was it someone famous ?
Would be exciting, though,|wouldn't it,
if someone famous|came into the shop ? Hmm ?
Do you know--|and this is pretty amazing, actually--
but l once saw Ringo Starr.
- Where was that ?|- Kensington High Street.
At least l think it was Ringo.
lt might have been that man|from Fiddler on the Roof.
- You know, Toppy.|- Topol.
Yes, that's right.|Topol.
Mm-hmm.
Actually, Ringo Starr doesn't--|doesn't look at all like, uh, Topol.
Yeah, but he was--|he was quite a long way away from me.
So actually it could've|been neither of them.
Yes, l suppose so, yes.
- lt's not a classic anecdote, is it ?|- Not a classic, no. No.
- Another one ?|- Yes. No.
Let's go crazy.|l'll have an orange juice.
- Oh, my God !|- Bugger ! l'm so sorry. l'm so sorry.
- Here. Let me--|- Get your hands off !
l'm really sorry.|l-- l live just over the street.
l have, um, water and soap.|You can get cleaned up.
No, thank you.|l just need to get my car back.
l also have a phone.|l'm confident that in five minutes...
we could have you spick-and-span|and back on the street again.
ln the non-prostitute sense,|obviously.
All right. Well-- What do you mean,|""just over the street"" ?
- Give it to me in yards.|- Uh, 18 yards.
That's my house there|with the blue front door.
Come on in.|l'll just-- l'll just--
Um, right. Right.|Come in.
lt's, um, not quite as tidy|as it normally is, l fear.
But, um--|The bathroom's on the top floor.
And the telephone's just--|just up here.
Here.|Let-- Let me, um--
Um, round the corner.|Straight on-- straight on up.
Bugger.
Would you like a cup of tea|before you go ?
- No.|- Coffee ?
- No.|- Orange juice ?
Probably not.|Um, something else cold.
Coke ? Water ?
Some disgusting sugary drink...
pretending to have something to do|with fruits of the forest ?
- No.|- Would you like something to eat ?
Uh, something to nibble ?
Um, apricots soaked in honey ?
Quite why, no one knows, because|it stops them tasting of apricots...
and makes them taste like honey,
and if you wanted honey, you'd just|buy honey instead of... apricots.
Um, but nevertheless,|there we go there.
They're yours if you want them.
Do you always say ""no""|to everything ?
l'd better be going.
Thanks for your, uh, help.
You're welcome.
And, uh, may l also say,|um, heavenly.
l'll just take|my one chance to say it.
After you've read|that terrible book,
you're certainly not going|to be coming back to the shop.
Thank you.
Yeah.|Well, my pleasure.
So...
it was nice to meet you.
Surreal but, um-- but nice.
Sorry.
""Surreal but nice"" ?|What was l thinking ?
- l forgot my other bag.|- Oh, right. Right.
Thanks.
l'm very sorry about|the ""surreal but nice"" comment.
- Disaster.|- That's okay.
l thought the apricot and honey thing|was the real low point.
Oh, my God.|My flatmate.
l'm sorry.|There's no excuse for him.
l'm just going into the kitchen|to get some food.
Then l'm gonna tell you a story|that will make your balls shrink|to the size of raisins.
Probably best|not to tell anyone about this.
Right. Right.|No one.
l mean, l'll tell myself sometimes.
But don't worry.|l won't believe it.
There's something wrong|with this yogurt.
lt's not yogurt.|lt's mayonnaise.
Oh, right.|There we are then.
On for a videofest tonight ?
l got some absolute classics.
- Smile.|- No.
- Smile.|- l've got nothing to smile about.
Okay.
ln about seven seconds,
l'm going to ask you|to marry me.
lmagine.
Somewhere in the world|there's a man who's allowed to kiss her.
Yes, she is, uh,
fairly fabulous.
- Do you have any books by Dickens ?|- No.
No, l'm afraid we're a travel bookshop.|We only sell travel books.
Oh, right. How about|the new John Grisham thriller ?
Well, no, 'cause that's, uh--|that's a novel too, isn't it ?
Oh, right.
Have you got Winnie the Pooh ?
Martin, your customer.
Uh, can l help you ?
Just, um, incidentally,
uh, why...|are you wearing that ?
Combination of factors really.|Uh, no clean clothes.
There never will be, you know,|unless you actually clean your clothes.
Right.|Vicious circle.
And l was, like,|rooting around in your things...
and l found this,|and l thought ""cool.""
Kinda... spacey.
There's something wrong|with the goggles, though.
No, they were, um, prescription.
-Groovy.|-So l could see all the fishes properly.
You should do more|of this stuff.
- So, look, any messages today ?|- Yeah, l wrote a couple down.
So there were two.|There were two messages ? Right ?
You want me to write down|all your messages ?
Okay, who are the ones|that you didn't write down from ?
No. Gone completely.
Oh, no.|There was one from your mum.
She said don't forget lunch,|and her leg's hurting again.
- No one else ?|- Absolutely no one else.
Though if we're going for this obsessive|writing down all the message thing,
some American girl called Anna|called a few days ago.
- What did she say ?|- Well, it was genuinely bizarre.
She said, ""Hi. lt's Anna.""|Then she said, ""Call me at The Ritz""...
and then gave herself|a completely different name.
- Which was ?|- Absolutely no idea.
Remembering one name's hard enough.
No, l-- l know that.|She-- She said that.
Um, l know she's using another name.
The problem is|she left the message with my flatmate...
which was a very serious mistake.
Um, l don't know. lmagine, if you will,|the stupidest person you've ever met.
- Are you doing that ?|- Yes, sir, l have him in my mind.
And now double it.|And that is the, um-- what can l say--
the git that l am living with.
And he can't remember--
- Try Flintstone.|- l'm sorry, what ?
l think she said|her name was Flintstone.
l don't-- l don't suppose, um,|Flintstone rings any bells, does it ?
- Oh, l'll put you right through, sir.|- Oh, my God.
Hello. Hi.
- Hi there.|- Hello ?
- Sorry. lt's William... Thacker.|- Yes ?
Um, we-- l work in a bookshop.
Oh, no, l promise you l've never played|anything cool in my entire life.
My flatmate, who'll l'll stab to death|later, never gave me the message.
l don't know.|Perhaps, um,
l could drop round|for tea later or something.
Right. Right. Great.
Classic.
Classic.
- Which floor ?|- Three, please.
Uh, are you sure this is--
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sure.
- Hi. Hi. l'm Karen.|- Hi.
l'm sorry.|Things are running a little bit late.
Here's the, uh, thing.|Do you wanna come this way ?
Through here.
So what did you|think of the film ?
Yeah, l thought it was fantastic.|l thought it was, uh,
Close Encounters|meets Jean de Florette.
l agree.
l'm sorry. l didn't get down|what magazines you're from.
- Time Out.|- Great.
And you're from ?
Horse & Hound.
The name's William Thacker. l think,|actually, she might be expecting me.
Oh, okay.|Take a seat and l'll go check.
l see you've, uh--|l see you've brought her some flowers.
These are for my,|um, grandmother.
She's in a hospital|just down the road.
Thought l'd kill two birds|with one stone, you know.
Sure, right.|Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.
Which hospital's that ?
Do you mind me not saying ?|lt's a rather distressing disease.
Name of the hospital|kind of gives it away.
Right, uh, Mr Thacker.|Will you come this way.
Right.
You've got five minutes.
- Hi.|- Hello.
Uh, l brought these, but clearly--
No, they're great.|They're great.
Ah, listen,|l'm sorry about not ringing back.
The whole ""two-names concept""...
was totally too much for my flatmate's|pea-sized intellect.
No, it's a stupid privacy thing.|l always pick a... cartoon character.
Last time l was Mrs Bambi.
- Everything all right ?|- Yes, thank you.
And you're from, uh,|Horse & Hound.
ls that so ? Well.
So, uh--
Uh, l'll just... fire away then,|shall l ?
Right.
The film's great, and, um,
l just was wondering whether...
you ever thought of having, um,
more, uh, horses in it.
Uh, well, we would have liked to,
but it was, um, difficult,|obviously, being set in space.
Space, right, yeah.|Yeah, obviously very difficult.
l'm so sorry.|l arrived outside.
They thrust this thing|into my hand--
No, it's my fault.|l thought this would all be over by now.
l just wanted to sort of apologize|for the kissing thing.
l seriously don't know|what came over me.
And l just wanted to make sure|that you were fine about it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely fine.
Do remember that Miss Scott is also|keen to talk about her next project...
which is, um, shooting|later in the summer.
Ah, yes, excellent.|Excellent.
Any horses in that one ?
Or hounds for that matter. Our readers|are equally intrigued by both species.
lt takes place on a submarine.
Oh. Well, bad luck.
But, um,
if there were horses in it,
would you be riding them...
or would you be getting, a--|a stunt-horse-double-man-thing ?
l-l'm a complete moron.|l apologize. l--
This is very weird. lt's the sort|of thing that happens in dreams,
not in real life.
l mean, good dreams.|lt's a--
lt's a dream, in fact,|uh, to see you again.
What happens next in the dream ?
l suppose in the, uh, dream--
dream scenario--|l just, uh,
change my personality...
because you can do that|in dreams and, um,
walk over and, uh, kiss the girl.
But, uh--
Time's up, l'm afraid.|Did you get what you wanted ?
- Um, nearly, nearly.|- Well, maybe just one last question.
- Sure.|- Right, right.
Are you... busy tonight ?
- Yes.|- Right. Right.
- Come in.|- Well, it was nice to meet you.
Yes, and you.
Surreal... but nice.
Thank you. You are Horse & Hound's|favourite actress.
You and Black Beauty...
tied.
How was she ?
Oh, um, fabulous.
Excellent. Wait a minute.|She took your grandmother's flowers.
Uh, yeah, yeah.|That's right.
- Bitch.|- Oh, Mr Thacker.
Mr Thacker, if you'd like to come with|me, we can rush you through the others.
The others ?
Mr Thacker is from Horse & Hound.
- How's it going ?|- Very well, thank you.
Have a seat.
Well, did you enjoy the film ?
Yes, enormously.
- Well, fire away.|- Right.
Did you enjoy making the film ?
- Yes, l did.|- Good.
Any bit in particular ?
You tell me what bit|you enjoyed the most,
and l'll tell you|if l enjoyed making that bit.
Uh, l...
liked the bit in space...
very much.
Did you identify with the character|you're playing ?
Oh. Why not ?
Because he's playing|a psychopathic flesh-eating robot.
Classic.
So, uh,
is this your first film ?
No. lt's my 22nd.
Of course it is.|Any favourites among the 22 ?
Working with Leonardo.
- Da Vinci ?|- DiCaprio.
Of course.
And is-- is he your favourite|ltalian director ?
- Mr Thacker.|- Oh, no.
- Have you got a minute ?|- No.
Um-- Yeah, so the, um--
the-- the thing l was doing tonight,|l'm not doing any more.
l told them l had|to spend the evening...
with Britain's premier|equestrian journalist.
Oh. Well, great.
Fantastic.|That's, uh--
Oh. Shittity brickitty.
lt's my sister's birthday. Shit.|We're meant to be having dinner.
- Okay, that's fine.|- No. l'm sure l can get out of it.
No, l mean, if it's fine with you,|l'll be your date.
You--|You'll be my date...
to my little sister's|birthday party ?
- lf it's all right.|- Well, yeah, l'm sure it's all right.
My friend Max is cooking,
and he is generally acknowledged|to be the worst cook in the world.
But, um, you know, you could hide|the food in your handbag or something.
- Okay.|- Okay.
- He's bringing a girl ?|- Miracles do happen.
- Does the girl have a name ?|- Don't know. Wouldn't say.
Oh, Christ !|What is going on in there ?
Oh, God !
Hi. Come on in.|Vague food crisis.
Hiya ! Sorry.
The guinea fowl is proving|more complicated than expected.
- He's cooking guinea-fowl ?|- Don't even ask.
Good Lord,|you're the spitting image of--
Bella, this is Anna.
- Right.|- Okay, crisis over.
Max, this is Anna.
- Hi.|- Hello, Anna--
Scott.|Have some wine.
Thank you.
l'll get it.
Red or white ?
- Oh. Hey.|- Hi.
- Oh, yes, happy birthday.|- Thank you.
Look, your brother's|brought this girl.
Hi, guys.
Oh, holy fuck !
Hon, this is Anna. Anna, this is Honey.|She's my baby sister.
Oh. Hi.
Oh, God. This is one|of those key moments in life...
when it's possible|you can be really genuinely cool...
and l-- l'm going to fail|just a hundred percent.
l-- l absolutely,|totally and utterly adore you.
And l just think... you are|the most beautiful woman in the world.
And, more importantly,|l genuinely believe,
and l've believed for some time now,|that we could be best friends.
So what do you think ?
Uh, lucky me.
Well, happy birthday.
Oh, you gave me a present.|We're best friends already then.
Marry Will. He's a really nice guy.|Then we can be sisters.
Well, l'll think about it.
That'll be Bernie.
- Hi.|- Hi. Sorry l'm late.
Bollocksed up at work again, l fear.
- Millions down the drain.|- Well done.
- Bernie, this is Anna.|- Hello, Anna. Delighted to meet you.
-And you.|-Honey bunny, Happy birthday to you
- Hi, Bella.|- Hi.
Um, it-- it-- it's a hat.|You don't have to wear it or anything.
- Hi, Will.|- Hi.
- Hi.|- What ?
- Wine, Bernie ?|- Mm.
You haven't slept with her, have you ?
That is a cheap question, and|the answer is, or course, no comment.
- No comment means ""yes.""|- No, it doesn't.
- Do you ever masturbate ?|- Definitely no comment.
- You see, it means ""yes.""|- Oh, my God !
So, uh, tell me,|um, Anna, what do you do ?
- l'm an actress.|- Oh, splendid.
What do you do ?
l'm actually in the stock market myself,|so, uh, not really similar fields.
Though, um-- um, l have done|the odd bit of amateur stuff.
Um-- uh, P. G. Wodehouse.|Farce, all that, you know.
""Careful there, Vicar.""
Always imagined it's a pretty tough job,|though, acting.
- The wages are a scandal, aren't they ?|- They can be.
l see friends from university--|clever chaps.
Been in the business longer than you.
They're scraping by on seven,|eight thousand a year.
You know, it's no life.
- What sort of acting do you do ?|- Films, mainly.
Oh, splendid. Oh, well done.|How's the pay in movies ?
l mean, last film you did,|what did you get paid ?
Fifteen million dollars.
Right.
So that's, well, fairly good.
Right, l think we're ready.
Bella, can you tell me|where l can find--
Oh, sorry.|lt's down the corridor on the right.
l'll show you.
Quickly, quickly.|Talk very, very quickly.
What are you doing here|with Anna Scott ?
- Anna Scott ?|- Yes. Shut up !
- What, the film star ?|- Shh !
- Oh, God !|- What ?
- Oh, God. Oh, goddy God.|- What did you say to her ?
l don't believe it.|l actually walked into the loo with her.
l was still chatting|when she started unbuttoning her jeans.
- She had to ask me to leave.|- Oh, God.
So you knew who she was ?
Of course l did, but he didn't.
Well, not instantly, but l-- l--|l got away with it.
- What do you think of the guinea-fowl ?|- l'm a vegetarian.
Oh, God.
So, how's the guinea-fowl ?
Best guinea-fowl|l've ever tasted.
Having you here, Anna, firmly|establishes what l've long suspected--
that we really are the most|desperate lot of underachievers.
- Shame.|- l'm not saying it's a bad thing.
ln fact, l think it's something|we should take pride in.
l'm gonna give the last brownie|as a prize...
to the saddest act here.
- Uh-oh.|- Bern.
Yeah, all right.|Well, obviously, it's me, isn't it ?
l mean, l work in the city in a job|l don't understand,
and everyone keeps|getting promoted above me.
l haven't had a girlfriend since--|well, since puberty.
And... nobody fancies me.
And if these cheeks get any chubbier,|they never will.
- Nonsense. l fancy you.|- Really ?
Yeah. Or l did|before you got so fat.
You see.|And unless l'm much mistaken,
your job still pays you|rather a lot of money...
whilst Honey here|earns 20 pence a week...
flogging her guts out|in London's worst record store.
Yes ! And l haven't got hair.|l've got feathers.
And l've got funny goggly eyes.|And l'm attracted to cruel men.
And, actually,|no one will marry me...
because, um, my boosies|have actually started shrinking.
- You see, it's incredibly sad.|- But on the other hand,
her best friend is Anna Scott.
That's true. l can't deny it.|She needs me. What can l say ?
And most of her limbs work, whereas|l'm stuck in this thing day and night,
in a house full of ramps.
And to add insult|to serious injury,
l've totally given up smoking,|my favourite thing.
And, um, well, the truth is,
we can't have a baby.
Oh, Belle.
C'est la vie.
Still, um, we're lucky in lots of ways.
But surely that's worth a brownie.
Well, l don't know.|Look at William.
- Very unsuccessful professionally.|- That's true.
Divorced. Used to be handsome,|now kind of squidgy round the edges.
And absolutely certain never|to hear from Anna again...
- once she's heard that his|nickname at school was--|- Floppy.
You did.|l can't believe it, you did.
Thanks very much. Thank you.|Well, at least l get the last brownie.
l think so, yes.
Well, wait.|What about me ?
l'm sorry ?|You think you deserve the brownie ?
Well, a shot at it at least, huh ?
You'll have to prove it.|This is a very, very good brownie.
l'm gonna fight for it.
l've been on a diet|every day since l was 19,
which basically means|l've been hungry for a decade.
l've had a series of not-nice|boyfriends, one of whom hit me.
Uh, and every time|l get my heart broken,
the newspapers splash it about|as though it's entertainment.
And... it's taken two rather painful,|um, operations...
to get me looking like this.
- Really ?|- Really.
And one day not long from now,|my looks will go,
they will discover l can't act,
and l will become|some sad, middle-aged woman...
who... looks a bit like someone|who was famous for a while.
No, nice try, gorgeous,|but you don't fool anyone.
Pathetic effort|to hog the brownie.
- Thank you for such a terrific time.|- l'm delighted.
- That's a great tie.|- Now you're lying.
Okay, it's true.|l told you l was bad at acting.
- lt was lovely to meet you.|- Yeah, and you. And you.
l'll wait until you've gone|before l tell him you're a vegetarian.
- Good night.|- l'm so sorry about the loo thing.
l meant to leave.|l just--
Ring me if you want someone|to go shopping with.
l know lots of nice, cheap places,|not that money is necessarily--
lt was just so nice to meet you.
- Happy birthday. You're my style guru.|- Thank you.
- Sorry. Can l just--|- Oh.
- Thanks.|- Leave her.
- Good night, everyone.|- Bye.
Max, Belle,|we'll see you in a couple of days.
- Thank you, everybody. Call us.|- Bye, guys.
- Bye, Anna.|- Love your work.
Bye, Hon.
Sorry. They always do that|when l leave the house.
lt's a stupid thing.|l hate it.
- ""Floppy,"" huh ?|- lt's the hair.
- Mm-hmm.|- lt's to do with the hair.
Why is she in a wheelchair ?
Uh, because she had an accident|about 18 months ago.
And the pregnancy thing,|is that to do with the accident ?
You know, l'm not sure.
l don't think they tried for kids|before, as fate would have it.
Do you want to, um--
My place is just, um--
Too complicated.
That's fine.
Busy tomorrow ?
- l thought you were leaving tomorrow.|- l was.
All these streets round here have...
these mysterious communal gardens|in the middle of them.
- They're like little villages.|- Let's go in.
Ah, no, that's the point.|They're private villages.
Only the people who live round the edges|are allowed in.
Oh. You abide by rules like that ?
l don't. No, no.|But others do.
l just do what l want.
Um-- Right.
Whoopsidaisies.
What did you say ?
- Nothing.|- Yes, you did.
- No, l didn't.|- You said, ""Whoopsidaisies.""
No one says, ""Whoopsidaisies,"" do they ?|l mean, unless they're--
There is no ""unless."" Because no one|has said ""Whoopsidaisies"" for 50 years.
And even then it was-- it was just|little girls with blonde ringlets.
Exactly. Right.|So here we go again.
Oh ! Oh ! Whoopsidaisies.
Yeah, well, it's a disease.|lt's a clinical thing.
l'm taking pills and having injections.|And l'm told it won't last long.
- Okay, stand aside.|- l don't think that's a good idea.
Really, it's quite, um, tricky.|Anna.
Anna, don't. lt's harder than it--|No, it's not. lt's easy.
Come on, Flopsy.
Right.
All right.
Oh, bugger.
Oh, God,|this could be very unpleasant.
Ay !|Bugger, bugger.
Now what in the world in this garden|could make that ordeal worthwhile ?
Nice garden.
""For June who loved this garden.
From Joseph who always sat beside her.''
Some people do spend|their whole lives together.
Come and sit with me.
Bollocks ! Bollocks !
- Have you seen my glasses ?|- No, afraid not.
Big, big bollocks !|Average day, my glasses are everywhere.
Everywhere l look|there's a pair of glasses.
But when l want to go to the cinema,|they've vanished.
lt's one of life's real cruelties.
That's compared to, like,|earthquakes in the Far East|or testicular cancer, is it ?
Oh, shit.|ls that the time ?
Thanks for all your help|on the glasses thing.
Oh, you're welcome.|Did you find them ?
- Sort of.|- Great.
So who left who ?
- Uh, she left me.|- Why ?
- She saw through me.|- Uh-oh.
That's not good.
You can give me|Anna Scott any day.
l didn't like her last film. Fell asleep|as soon as the lights went down.
l don't really care|what the film's like.
Any film with her in,|it's fine by me.
She's not my type at all.|l prefer the other one.
You know, blonde, sweet-looking.
You know, what's-her-name.
Has an orgasm every time|you take her out for a cup of coffee.
Meg Ryan.
No, she's too wholesome.|The point about Miss Scott is...
she's got that twinkle in her eyes.
Probably drug-induced.|Spends most of her life in bloody rehab.
Well, whatever.|She's so clearly up for it.
You see, most girls, they're all like,|""Stay away, chum.""
But Anna,|she is absolutely gagging for it.
Do you know that in over 50%|of the languages,
the word for ""actress"" is|the same as the word for ""prostitute"" ?
Where did you get that from ?
And Anna is your definitive actress,
someone really filthy|you can just flip over and start again.
- Right, that's it. Sorry.|- No, no. There's really no point.
Um, sorry--|sorry to disturb you guys.
- But, um--|- Can l help ?
Well, yeah. l wish l hadn't overheard|your conversation, but l did.
And, um, l just think, you know,
the person you're talking about|is a real person.
And l think she probably deserves|a little bit more consideration...
rather than having jerks like you|drooling over her.
Oh, sod off, mate.|What are you, her dad ?
- l'm sorry.|- No, l love that you tried.
Time was l'd have done the same thing.|ln fact--
Hi.
Oh, my God.
l just wanted to apologize for|my friend. He's very sensitive.
Uh, look, l'm sorr--
No, no, leave it. lt's, you know--|l'm sure you didn't mean any harm.
l'm sure it was just friendly banter.
l'm sure you guys have dicks|the size of peanuts. Enjoy your dinner.
The tuna's really good.
l shouldn't have done that.|l shouldn't have done that.
- No, you were brilliant.|- l'm rash and l'm stupid.
What am l doing with you ?
Uh, l don't know, l'm afraid.
l don't either.
Here we are.
Yes.
- Well, look--|- Do you wanna come up ?
Well, there seems to be...|lots of reasons why l shouldn't, so--
There are lots of reasons.
Do you wanna come up ?
Give me five minutes ?
To be able to do that|is such a wonderful thing.
- You've got to go.|- Why ?
Because my boyfriend who was in America|is, in fact, now in the next room.
- Boyfriend ?|- Yes.
- Baby, who is it ?|- Uh, it's, uh--
- Uh--|- Uh, room service.
Oh. How you doing ? l thought you guys|always wore those, uh, penguin coats.
Usually we do.
But l was just, uh--|just changed to go home.
And, um, then l thought|l'd take this final call.
Oh, great. lf you don't mind,|l would like something too.
Could you bring me up some|really, really cold water ?
l'll see what l can do.
- Still, not sparkling.|- Absolutely. lce-cold still water.
Unless it's illegal in the U.K. to serve|beverages below room temperature.
l wouldn't want you going to jail|just to satisfy my whim, now.
- No, l'm sure it's fine.|- Thank you.
Hey, one more thing.
Could you adios these dirty dishes|and take out that trash too ?
- Uh--|- Right.
No. No. Um, don't-- don't--|don't do that.
l don't think|it's his job to clear.
Oh, l'm sorry. l'm sorry.|What's your name, man ?
Bernie.
Oh, listen, Bernie.
Thank you.|l really appreciate it.
Hey, you.
So, tell me. Tell me, tell me.|Good surprise or nasty surprise ?
- Good surprise.|- Oh, you're such a liar.
She hates surprises.|Hey, what are you gonna order ?
- Huh ?|- From him. What are you gonna order ?
Um, l haven't decided yet.
Oh, well, don't overdo it.
l don't want people saying,|""There goes that famous actor|with the big, fat girlfriend.""
l should leave.
This is a fairly strange reality|to be faced with.
l'm so sorry.
l don't know...
what to say.
Well,
l think, um,
""goodbye"" is traditional.
Come on.
Open up.
This is me.|Spikey.
l'm in contact with some quite|important spiritual vibrations.
Come on.|Hit me with it.
- There's this girl--|- Aha.
See, l been gettin' a female vibe.|Good.
Speak on, dear friend.
She's someone who...
can't be mine, and, uh,
it's as if l've taken love heroin,|and now l can't ever have it again.
l've opened Pandora's box|and there's trouble inside.
Yeah.
Tricky.
Tricky.
l knew a girl at school|called Pandora.
Never got to see her box or--
Right.
Right. Thanks. That's very helpful.
You didn't know|she had a boyfriend ?
Why ? Did you ?
Oh, bloody hell.|l don't believe it.
My whole life ruined because|l don't read Hello magazine.
Let's face facts.|This was always a no-win situation.
Anna's... a goddess.
You know what happens to mortals|who get involved with the gods.
- Buggered, is it ?|- Every time.
But don't despair. l think l have|the solution to your problems.
- Really ?|- Mm-hmm. Her name is Tessa.
She works in the Contracts Department.
The hair, l admit,|is unfashionably frizzy,
but she's bright as a button and kisses|like a nymphomaniac on death row.
Apparently.
Now... try.
l got completely lost.
lt's very difficult, isn't it ?|Everything's got the word|""Kensington"" in it.
Kensington Park Road. Kensington Garden.|Kensington bloody Park Garden.
- Tessa, this is Bella, my wife.|- Hello.
- You're in a wheelchair.|- That's right.
And this is William.
- Hello, William.|- Hi.
- Max has told me everything about you.|- Has he ?
Oh, yes.|You are a naughty boy.
- Wine ?|- Oh, yes, please.
Come on, Willie.|Let's get sloshed.
- Red or white ?|- Red.
Keziah.
- Some woodcock ?|- No, thank you. l'm a fruitarian.
What is a fruitarian, exactly ?
We believe that|fruits and vegetables have feelings,
so we think cooking is cruel.
We only eat things that have actually|fallen from the tree or bush,
that are, in fact, dead already.
Ah. Oh, right.
Right.
So, um, these carrots ?
- Have been murdered, yes.|- Murdered.
Poor old carrots.|That's--
That's beastly.
Delicious coffee.
l'm sorry about the lamb.
No. l thought it was...|really, you know, interesting.
lnteresting means inedible.
Really inedible. Yes, you're right.
Well, maybe we'll meet again.
Yeah, yeah.|That would be, uh--
be great.
Bye.
Well ?
Perfect.
Absolutely perfect.
And ?
l think you've forgotten|what an unusual situation you two have.
To find someone you actually... love,|who'll love you.
The chances are always minuscule.
Look at me.
Apart from the American, l've only|loved two girls, both total disasters.
- That's not fair.|- One of them marries me,|then leaves me...
faster than you can say|""lndiana Jones.""
And the other-- who seriously|ought to have known better--
casually marries my best friend.
- She still loves you, though.|- ln a depressingly asexual way.
l never fancied you much, actually.
Oh, God.
l loved you.|You were terribly funny, but...
all that kissing my ears.
l don't believe it.|This is just getting worse.
l shall find myself 30 years from now|still sitting on this sofa.
- Do you wanna stay ?|- Yeah. Why not ?
All that awaits me at home|is a masturbating Welshman.
Here we go.
- Good night.|- Night.
- See you.|- Right.
Guilty.|Very, very guilty.
So it seems.
Hi.
Can l come in ?
Come in.
They were taken years ago.
l know it was--
But l was poor and--|lt happens a lot.
That's not an excuse.|l just--
But to make matters worse,
it now appears as though...
someone was filming me as well.
So what was a stupid|photo shoot...
now looks like a porn film.
The pictures have been sold|and they're just...
everywhere.
l didn't know where to go.
The hotel's surrounded.
l know it's been months, but--
This is the place.
Thank you.
l'm just in London...
for two days,|but what with your papers,
it's the worst place to be.
These pictures are just so horrible,|and they're so grainy.
lt makes me look like--
Don't think about it.
We'll sort it out.
What would you like ?|Tea ?
Bath ?
A bath would be great.
Oh, Christ alive !
Brilliant. Fantastic.
Magnificent.
You must be Spike.
- Hi.|- Just...
checkin'.
Thank you, God.
l'm really sorry about last time.
- Oh--|- He just flew in.
- l had no idea.|- All right.
ln fact, l had no idea|if he was ever gonna fly in again.
lt's not often one|has the opportunity to adios...
the plates of|a major Hollywood film star.
lt was, um--|lt was thrilling for me.
So how is he ?
l don't know.
lt just got to the point...
where l couldn't remember|any of the reasons why we were together.
And you and love ?
Oh, well, there's a question, um,
without an interesting answer.
l have thought about you.
- Oh.|- lt's just that...
any time l've tried to keep...
anything normal|with a person that was...
normal,|it's just been a disaster.
Listen, l appreciate that.|Absolutely.
So what is that,|a film you're doing ?
Um, start in L.A. on Tuesday.
Would you like me to|take you through your lines ?
Would you ?|'Cause it's all talk, talk, talk.
Hand it over.
Right.|Um, basic plot ?
l'm a difficult but brilliant|junior officer...
who in about 20 minutes is gonna|save the world from nuclear disaster.
Mm-hmm. Okay.|Well done, you.
""Message from Command. Would you|like them to send in the H.K.'s ?""
No. Turn over four T.R.S.'s|and tell them we need radar feedback...
before the K.F.T.'s return at 1900.
Then inform the Pentagon we'll need|Black Star cover from 1000 through 1215.
And if you say one word about how many|mistakes l made in that speech,|l'll pelt you with olives.
- Very well, Captain.|l'll pass that on straightaway.|- Thank you.
- How many mistakes did l make ?|- Eleven.
- Damn it. And Wainwright--|- Cartwright.
Cartwright, Wainwright,|whatever your name is,
l promised little Jimmy|l'd be home for his birthday,
so could you get a message to him|that l may be late.
Certainly.|And, uh, little Johnny ?
- My son's name is Johnny ?|- Yep.
- Then get a message to him too.|- l'll do what l can, Captain,
but l can't promise anything.
And Cartwright goes.
- What do you think ?|- Gripping. lt's not Jane Austen.
lt's not Henry James,|but it's... gripping.
- Think l should do Henry James instead?|- You would be brilliant.
But this writer-- writers--|they're pretty damn good too.
You never get anyone|on Wings of the Dove saying,
""lnform the Pentagon|we need Black Star cover.""
For me the book is the poorer for it.
l can't believe you have that picture.
You like Chagall ?
l do. lt feels like|how love should be--
floating through a dark blue sky.
With a goat, playing a violin.
Well, yes.
Happiness isn't happiness|without a violin-playing goat.
You have big feet.
Yes.|Yes, always have had.
You know what they say|about men with big feet.
No.|What's that ?
Uh, big feet,
large... shoes.
The thing that is so irritating...
is that now l'm so fierce|when it comes to nudity clauses.
You actually have... clauses|in your contract about nudity ?
Definitely.
""You may show the dent of the top of the|artist's buttocks, but neither cheek.""
Or if there's|a stunt bottom being used...
""artist must have full consultation.""
- You have a stunt bottom ?|- l could have a stunt bottom, yes.
Are people tempted to go|for better bottoms than their own?
Yeah. l would.|This is important stuff.
lt's one hell of a job, isn't it ?|What do you put on your passport ?
""Profession: Mel Gibson's bottom.""
Actually, Mel does his own ass work.
- Right.|- Why wouldn't he ?
- Absolutely.|- lt's delicious.
What, the ice cream|or Mel Gibson's bottom ?
Both. Equally.
But you wouldn't necessarily lick both ?
Well, this is tart.
And fuzz-free.
And, uh--
Bedroom.|There's clean sheets.
Today's been a good day,
which in the circumstances is...
unexpected.
Thank you.
Anyway, um,
time for bed.
Or sofa bed.
Good night.
Good night.
Oh, my God.
Hello ?
Hello.
-Spike.|-l wonder if l could have a little word.
- Right.|- l don't want to interfere or anything,
but she's just split up|from her boyfriend, right ?
- Maybe.|- And she's in your house.
- Yes.|- And you get on very well.
- Yes.|- Well, isn't this, perhaps,
a nice opportunity to...
slip her one.
Spike, for God's sakes.|She's in trouble. Get a grip.
You think it's the wrong moment.|Fair enough.
- Do you mind if l have a go ?|- Spike !
- Okay.|- l'll talk to you in the morning.
Okay.|Might be too late, but okay.
Please, sod off.
- Okay. All right.|- No. No, no !
Wait ! l thought you were,|um, someone else.
l thought you were Spike.|l'm thrilled that you're not.
Wow.
What ?
Nothing.
lt does strike me as,
well, surreal that l'm allowed|to see you naked.
- You and every person in this country.|- l'm sorry.
What is it about men and nudity, huh ?
Particularly breasts.
- How can you be so interested in them ?|- Well--
But, seriously,|they're just breasts.
Every second person|in the world has them.
More than that, when you think about it.|Meat Loaf has a very nice pair.
But they're odd-looking.
They're for milk.|Your mother has them.
You've seen a thousand of them.|What's all the fuss about ?
Actually, l can't think|what it is, really.
Let me just have a quick look.
Nope, nope. Beats me.
Rita Hayworth used to say,
""They go to bed with Gilda,|they wake up with me.""
- Who was Gilda ?|- Her most famous part.
Men went to bed with the dream,
and they didn't like it|when they woke up with the reality.
Do you feel that way ?
You are lovelier this morning|than you have ever been.
l'll be right back.
Breakfast in bed.
- Oh.|- Or it's brunch or lunch or something.
My God.
Can l stay a bit longer ?
Stay forever.
Okay.|Oh. Forgot the jam.
l'll get the jam,|you get the door.
Jesus Christ.
What ?
What is it ?
- Nothing, really.|- You're up to something.
Anna, no, please !
My God. And they got a picture of you|dressed like that.
Yes.
Undressed like this, yeah.
- Morning, darling ones.|- lt's me. The press are here.
No, there are hundreds of them.
My brilliant plan|was not so brilliant. l know.
l know. l know.|Just get over here.
Damn it.
- Um, l wouldn't go outside.|- Why not ?
- Just take my word for it.|- Oh.
How did l look ?|Not bad.
Not at all bad.|Well-chosen briefs, l'd say.
Chicks love grey.
Nice firm buttocks.
How are you doing ?
How do you think l'm doing ?
- l don't know what happened.|- l do.
Your furry friend thought he'd make|a buck telling the papers where l was.
- That's not true.|- Really ?
The entire British press|got up this morning and thought,|""l know where Anna Scott is.
She's in that house with the blue door|in Notting Hill.''
Then you go out|in your goddam underwear !
-l went out in my goddam underwear too.|-Get out !
Sorry.
- l'm so sorry.|- This is such an unbelievable mess.
l come to you to protect myself|against more crappy gossip,
and now l've landed in it|all over again.
For God's sake, l've got a boyfriend !
- You have ?|- As far as they're concerned l do.
And now, tomorrow there'll be|pictures of you in every newspaper|from here to Timbuktu !
l know that, but...|just let's stay calm.
You stay calm ! This is a perfect|situation for you, isn't it?
Minimum input, maximum publicity.
Everywhere you go, people will say,|""Well done, you.
You slept with that actress.|We saw the pictures.''
- That is spectacularly unfair.|- That's yours.
Maybe it'll even help business.
Buy a boring book about Egypt|from the guy that screwed Anna Scott.
Stop ! Stop ! l beg you !
Calm down.|How about a cup of tea ?
l don't want|a goddam cup of tea.
l just wanna go home.
Spike, see who that is,|and put some clothes on, for God's sake.
Looks like a chauffeur to me.
Spike owes you|an expensive dinner or holiday,
depending who's got the brains|to get the going rate on betrayal.
That is not true.|Wait a minute.
This is crazy behaviour.
Can't we just|laugh about all this ?
Seriously. ln the huge sweep of things,|this stuff doesn't matter.
What he's gonna say next is|there's people starving in the Sudan.
Well, there are, and we don't|have to go anywhere near that far.
My best friend slipped down stairs,|cracked her back...
and she's in a wheelchair|for the rest of her life.
All l'm asking for is|a normal amount of perspective.
You're right.|Of course, you're right.
lt's just that l've dealt|with this garbage for ten years.
You've had it for ten minutes.
Our perspectives are very different.
Today's newspapers will be lining|tomorrow's wastepaper bin.
- Excuse me ?|- You know.
lt's just one day.
Tomorrow, today's papers|will all have been thrown out.
You really don't get it.
This story will be filed.
Every time anyone writes anything|about me, they'll dig up these photos.
Newspapers last forever.
l'll regret this forever.
Right.
Right.
l will feel the opposite,
if that's okay by you, and, uh,
always be glad that you...|came to stay.
But, um, you're probably right.
You better go.
Was it you ?
l may have told a few people|down at the pub.
Right.
Have l got something for you. Something|which will make you love me so much,
you will want to hug me every day|for the rest of my life.
Blimey. What is it ?
Phone number of Anna Scott's agent|in London...
and her agent in New York.
Listen, you think about her all|the time. Now you can ring her.
Yeah. Brilliant. Thanks.
l'll see you tonight.|Hey, Marty. Ooh ! Sexy cardi.
Shh ! Hello !|l have a little speech to make.
l won't stand up because|l can't... be bothered.
Exactly a year ago today, this man here|started the finest restaurant in London.
- Hear, hear.|- Thank you very much.
Unfortunately,|no one ever came to eat here.
lt's a tiny hiccup.
And so we have to face the fact|that from next week,
we must find somewhere new to eat.
l just want to say to Tony...|don't take it personally.
The more l think about things, the more|l see no rhyme or reason in life.
No one knows why some things work out|and some things don't.
Why some of us get lucky...
- and some of us--|- Get fired.
- What ?|- No !
Yeah, well, it seems|they're shifting the whole outfit...
much more towards|the emerging markets.
And, of course, well,|l was total crap, so--
A toast to Bernie-- the worst|stockbroker in the whole world.
l thank you.|And Tony, the worst restaurateur.
- Tony and Bernie. Both crap...|- The terrible two.
in their own special ways.
Since it's an evening|of announcements,
uh, l've also got one.
Um, l've decided to get engaged.
l've found myself a nice,|slightly odd-looking bloke...
who l know is gonna make me happy|for the rest of my life.
Wait a sec. l mean, l--
l'm your brother. l don't know|anything about this. ls he--
ls he financially viable ?
He's an artist...|with brilliant prospects.
This is a secret|you've been keeping from me.
By the way, it's you.
- Me ?|- What do you think ?
Well, yeah.
Groovy.
Excuse me.|Are there any more announcements ?
Well, actually, yes.
l feel l should|apologize to everyone...
for my behaviour|over the last six months.
l have, as you know,|been somewhat down in the mouth.
There's an understatement.|There are dead people on better form.
But l just wish to make it clear|that l've turned a corner,
and, um, henceforward intend|to be impressively happy.
Without a love of my own
-Blue moon|-Ba-boom, ba-boom
You knew just what l was there for
Oh, God. l'm horribly drunk.
You heard me saying a prayer for
- Come here.|-Ba-boom, ba-boom
Someone l really could care for
So you've laid the ghost ?
l believe l have.
Don't give a damn|about the famous girl?
No.
No, l don't think l do.
Which means you won't be distracted|by the fact that she's back in London...
grasping her Oscar...
and currently to be found filming,|most days, on Hampstead Heath.
Oh, God, no.
So not over her, in fact.
- Can l help you ?|- Yeah, l'm, um--
- l'm looking for Anna Scott.|- Does she know you're coming ?
No. No, uh, she doesn't.
- l'm afraid l can't let you through.|- Right.
l mean, l am actually a friend.|l'm not a lunatic, but--
- No, you basically, er--|- Can't let you through, sir.
Well, this is, uh--
l only found out|you were here yesterday.
- l was going to call, but l--|- Uh, Anna.
Yes. Um--
Things aren't going very well,|and it's our last day.
Absolutely, yeah.|You're clearly very busy.
But if-- if you could wait,
there are... things to say.
Okay.
Drink tea.|There's lots of tea.
Come and have a look.
Are you a fan of Henry James ?
- This is a Henry James film ?|- Yeah.
This is, uh, Harry.
He'll give you a pair of headphones|so you can hear the dialogue.
- Thank you very much.|- No problem.
- Hi.|- Hi. Here we go.
- Volume's on the side. Have a seat.|- Thank you.
We are living in cloud cuckoo land.|We'll never get this done today.
We've got to.|l have to be in New York on Thursday.
Oh, stop showing off.|God, that's an enormous ass.
- l'm not listening.|- But seriously, it's not fair.
So many tragic young teenagers|with anorexia...
and that girl has an ass|she could perfectly well share around...
with at least ten other women|and still be big-bottomed.
l would think, looking at|something nice like that,
you and your...|bony little excuse for an arse...
would be well advised to keep quiet.
Now down to business.|The end of the scene.
Um, l ask you when you're|telling everyone, and you say--
Um, tomorrow will be soon enough.
And then l-- Right. Okay.
Say, who was that rather diffident chap|l saw you talking to round the back ?
No one.
Just some guy from the past. l--
lt's a bit of an awkward situation.|l don't know what he's doing here.
'Course.
Thanks. l've got to, um--
Any time.
Ladies and gentlemen,|can we have you on your first marks ?
On your first marks !
Uh, l-l do hate to disturb you|whilst you're cooking the books,
but, uh, there's a delivery for you.
Martin, really.|Can't you just do it yourself ?
But you see, this is not for the shop.|This is for you.
Right. Okay.
Tell me, if l employ a wet rag, would l|have to pay it as much as l pay you ?
Hi.
Hello.
You disappeared.
Yeah. Yeah. Um--
l had to leave.|l didn't want to disturb.
- How have you been ?|- Fine, fine. Everything much the same.
When they change the law,|Spike and l will marry immediately.
Whereas you, l've watched in wonder.
- Awards, glory.|- Oh, no.
lt's-- lt's all nonsense, believe me.
l'd no idea how much nonsense|it was, but...
nonsense it all is.
Well, um--
Yesterday was our last day of filming,|so... l'm leaving.
But, um--
l brought this for you from home,
so l thought l'd give it to you.
Thank you.
Shall l--
Oh, no, don't open it now.|l'll be embarrassed.
Well, thank you. l don't know|what it's for, but thanks anyway.
Actually, l had it in my apartment,|and l thought you'd--
But when it came to it,|l didn't know how to call,
having behaved so badly.
Twice.
So it's just been|sitting in the hotel.
Then you came and... l figured--
The thing is--
The thing is--
What ? What is the thing ?
Don't even think about it.|Go away immediately.
- Go away.|- Right.
Sorry.
You were saying ?
Yes.
l have to go away today, but l...
wondered if l didn't...
whether you might|let me see you a little,
or... a lot, maybe.
See if you could like me again.
But yesterday|that actor asked you who l was,
and you just|dismissed me out of hand.
l heard.
You had a microphone.|l had headphones.
You expect me|to tell the truth about my life...
to the most indiscreet man|in England ?
Uh, excuse me.
lt's your mother on the phone.
Will you tell her|l'll ring her back ?
l've actually tried that tack, but|she said you've said that once before,
and it's now been about 24 hours...
and the foot that was purple|is now sort of blackish in colour and--
Right, right. Yeah.|Perfect timing, as ever.
Martin, hold the fort a second.
Uh, yes. All right.
Um, could l just say--
l thought Ghost|was the most wonderful film.
- ls that right ?|- Oh, yes.
Um, l've always wondered...
what Patrick Swayze's like|in-- in-- in real life.
l can't say that l know Patrick|all that well.
He wasn't that friendly during filming ?
Well, l'm sure he was friendly to|Demi Moore who acted with him in Ghost.
Oh. Oh, right.
Sorry.
Always been a bit of an ass.
Um, anyway-- Um--
Well, it was lovely to meet you.
l'm a huge, huge fan of yours.
And Demi's, of course.
Sorry.
That's fine.
There's always a pause when the jury|goes out to consider their verdict.
Anna, look, um--
l'm a fairly levelheaded bloke,
not often in and out of love.
But, uh--
Can l just say no to your...
kind request and, uh, leave it at that ?
Yes.
Fine. Of course. l--
Of course.
l'll just be going, then.|lt was nice to see you.
The thing is,
with you l'm in real... danger.
lt seems like a... perfect situation,
apart from that|foul temper of yours, but...
my relatively inexperienced heart|would, l fear, not...
recover, uh, if l was...
once again cast aside,|as l would absolutely expect to be.
There are just too many pictures of you,|too many films.
You'd go and l'd be, uh,
well, buggered, basically.
That really is a real no, isn't it ?
l live in Notting Hill.|You live in... Beverly Hills.
Everyone in the world|knows who you are.
My mother has trouble|remembering my name.
Fine.
Fine. Good decision.|Good decision.
The fame thing isn't really real,|you know ?
And don't forget l'm--
l'm also just a girl...
standing in front of a boy...
asking him to love her.
Goodbye.
So what do you think ?|Good move ?
Yeah, good move.
l mean, when all's said and done,|she's nothing special.
l saw her taking her trousers down,
and l definitely glimpsed|some cellulite down there.
Good decision, yeah.
All actresses are as mad as snakes.
- Tones, what do you reckon ?|- Never met her, never want to.
- Brilliant. Max ?|- Absolutely. Never trust a vegetarian.
Great. Thanks. Brilliant.
l was called and l came. What's up ?
William's just turned down Anna Scott.
You daft prick.
No, no.|No, no, it's actually quite sensible.
That painting|isn't the original, is it ?
Um, you know,|l think it might be, yeah.
But she said|she wanted to go out with you.
- Yeah.|- Well, that's nice.
What ?
Well, you know,
anyone saying they wanna go out with you|is pretty great, isn't it ?
lt was...
sort of... sweet, actually.
Um, l mean,|l know she's an actress and all that...
so she can... deliver a line, but, um,
she said she might be|as famous as she can be,
but also that she was...
just a girl...
standing in front of a boy...
asking him... to love her.
Oh, sod a dog. l've made|the wrong decision, haven't l ?
Yeah.
Max, how fast is your car ?
- Good luck !|- lf anyone gets in our way,|we have small nuclear devices.
- Where to ?|- All l can think is The Ritz.
- Where's Bella ?|- She's not coming.
- Oh, sod that. Bernie, in the back.|- What ?
Max, l'm okay.
Come on, babe.
Which way are you going ?
Down Kensington Church Street, then|Knightsbridge, then Hyde Park Corner.
- No, crazy. Go along Bayswater.|- That's right. Then Park Lane.
No, straight down to the Cromwell Road,|then left.
Stop right there !|l will decide the route. All right ?
Sorry, Max.
James Bond never has to put up|with this sort of shit.
Turn right !
- l can't. lt's one way.|- Do a U-turn.
Oh, sod it. Hold on.
Brilliant !
Bloody hell, this is fun !
Sorry.
Hi.|ls Miss Scott staying here ?
- No, sir.|- How 'bout Miss Flintstone ?
- No, sir.|- Uh, Bambi ?
- No, sir.|- Or, um--
l don't know.|Beavis or Butthead ?
No, sir.
Thanks. Thanks.
There was a Miss Pocahontas,
but she checked out|about an hour ago.
l believe she's holding|a press conference at the Savoy...
before flying to America.
We have liftoff.
You have message for Takiama ?
l'll just check, sir.
Bugger this for a bunch of bananas.
Stop ! Stop ! Stop !|Stay there ! Go ! Go !
Whoa, whoa, whoa ! Hang on !
Come on ! No ! Wait ! Wait there !
Come on ! Come on ! Wait !
Whoa, whoa, whoa ! Go on !|Through, through !
You're my hero !
Whoa ! Down, boy.
Excuse me.
- Yes ?|- Where's the press conference, please ?
- Are you an accredited|member of the press ?|- Yep.
- There you go.|- That's a Blockbuster Video|membership card, sir.
That's right.|l work for their in-house magazine.
- Movies Are Our Business.|- l'm sorry, sir.
- He's with me.|- And you are ?
Writing an article on how London hotels|treat people in wheelchairs.
Yes, of course, madam.|lt's in the Lancaster Room.
Though l'm afraid you're rather late.
Run !
Does this mean that Miss Scott|will not be publicizing her next film ?
No, it absolutely|does not mean that.
She'll be abiding by|all her present commitments.
She just won't be making|any more for the next year.
When will the film be released ?
At the moment,|the plan is to release in America...
towards the end of the autumn,
and over here around Christmas|or early in the new year.
Right ! Dominic.
Anna, how much longer are you|staying in the U.K., then ?
No time at all.|l leave tonight.
Which is why we have to round things|up now, so final questions, please.
Yes. Lady there.
ls your decision to take|a year off anything to do...
with the rumours about Jeff|and his present leading lady ?
- Absolutely not.|- Do you believe the rumours ?
Well, it's really|not my business any more.
Though l will say, from my experience,|rumours about Jeff do tend to be true.
Yeah. The last time you were here, there|were some fairly graphic photographs...
taken of you|with a young English guy.
So, uh, what happened there ?
He was just a friend.|We're still friends, l think.
Right, um--
Yes. Gentleman in the pink shirt.
Yes. Miss Scott,
are there any circumstances in which...
the two of you...
might be more than just good friends ?
l hoped there would be, but no,|l'm... assured there aren't.
- But what would you say if--|- Sorry. Just the one question, please.
No, it's all right.|You were saying ?
l was just wondering if, uh,
it turned out that this person, uh--
Thacker. His name was Thacker.
Thanks, thanks.
l just wondered whether if...
Mr Thacker realized he'd been|a daft prick...
and got down on his knees and...|begged you to reconsider,
whether you would, in fact, then...
reconsider ?
Yes, l believe l would.
That's very good news.|Um--
The readers of Horse & Hound|will be absolutely delighted.
Right. Uh, Dominic, if you'd|like to ask your question again ?
Yeah ? Anna, how long are you|intending to stay here in Britain ?
lndefinitely.
- What happened ?|- lt was good.
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