Red Dwarf 03x05 - Timeslides
Uphill, slight burrow to the left.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Ow!
Hey! Four up with six to play! This guy is hot, hot, hot, hot!
OK, hole 13.
What am I doing? What am I doing?!
You're not following through. Keep your head down and follow through!
- Why am I playing this? - Because it's Sunday.
Time to relax. Time to chill. Lighten up!
I can't lighten up. I hate my life!
We spend every day devising more ingenious ways of wasting time.
I'm sick of it. I'm sick of table golf. I'm sick of tiddlywinks show jumping.
I'm sick of stretching a pair of tights across the room to play Durex volleyball.
If you like, we'll kick the golf in the head, OK?
How about a game of Junior Angler?
All the thrills of freshwater fly-fishing from the comfort of your living room.
Got it. Unicycle Polo. We could have a quick chukka on floor 14.
It's smeggin' stupid. Two grown men on unicycles,
belting a beach ball up and down a corridor with French loaves?!
It's pathetic. It's idiotic. It's... It's... It's puerile.
- Well, you invented it. - I want a life.
This is worse than prison. In prison, you can look forward to getting out.
I want to live. I want to meet people. I want to meet girls. I want to make love.
Well, Junior Angler is the best you're gonna get out of me, buddy!
Just get out of my face.
But don't ask me when you want someone to play soapsud slalom down the cargo ramp.
You can carry your own damn flags.
# Happy birthday to you
# Happy birthday, dear Kryten
# Happy birthday to you #
Oh! What a lovely surprise.
Lovely service, Lister. You should have come. Most uplifting.
What's wrong with you? Ah! It's November.
Nearly time for your bath.
Please, just spare me the good mood, OK?
- What happened? - I'm sick of it, that's what.
I'm just totally, totally sick of it.
- Sick of what? - Sick of you and your green suits.
Sick of your stupid flared nostrils.
Sick of how you smile when you're being insulted.
I'm sick of the Cat, sick of Holly,
sick of you, sick of me, and as for Kryten...
I'm sick of him. I'm sick of this ship, sick of this life. I'm just sick of it.
You're unhappy, aren't you?
Joining the Space Corps, that's when it all went wrong.
If I hadn't, things could have worked out for me.
That's a tension sheet, isn't it?
I went to school with the guy who invented those.
Things certainly worked out for him, all right. A millionaire at 26.
Fred Holden. He was in our dorm.
God, he was thick. "Thickie" Holden, we called him.
"Hello, Thickie. How's your acne?" He always came bottom in geography.
He thought a glacier was a bloke who fixed windows.
He did invent the tension sheet.
It's just the stuff they used for packing. All he did was paint it red.
And you know who he married? Sabrina Mulholland-JJones.
- The model? - How can that be?
The most desirable woman in the world and Thickie Holden,
a spotty gimp who'd blow off the bedcovers whenever we had cauliflower cheese.
- He had a break. He got lucky. - I suppose so.
- Did you know anyone famous? - Charles Keenan. He was famous.
- What did he do? - Ate his wife.
Sorry to interrupt, but I think you should come to the photo lab.
Something quite strange is happening.
- These are ordinary photographs? - What did you do?
I just developed the film, and they came to life.
It's the developing fluid. It must have mutated.
At first, I thought it was just my film, but it works on any negative.
There's others I've developed as slides.
- Go for it. - Lights!
That's Frank! It's my brother's wedding!
- Yo! I'm in the photograph! - Excuse me. Stand aside, please.
- I'm actually IN the photograph! - You're blocking the shot.
I'm actually at a smeggin' wedding!
- Are you trying to make trouble? - Wow! I'm back on Earth!
- I'm in a photograph! - Look, will you clear off?
- Look! He can touch me! - Hop it.
He can punch me! This is brilliant!
He's punching me again. Fantastic. All right! All right! OK. I'm going.
I can't walk out of the edge.
- .. credible. - Try another one.
What's this? It's one of Lister's.
I don't recognise this.
- Who are they? - I don't know.
Oh, I remember. I sent away some snaps of me 18th birthday
and got someone's skiing holiday back.
- It's amazing. We're really here. - I know. Check this.
It even works in black and white. I tried a really old one, too.
That's Adolf Hitler, leader of the runners-up in World War II.
I copied it from one of your magazines - "Fascist Dictator Monthly".
He was Mr October.
Ignore him. He's a complete and total nutter. And he's only got one testicle.
What's he doing?! He's scuffling with Adolf Hitler!
You can't just stick one on the leader of the Third Reich.
I nicked his briefcase!
Banana and crisps?
- His diary! - Allow me.
I'll switch to translation mode.
"Things to remember - stop milk, pay papers, invade Czechoslovakia. "
A present here. "To Adolf. Love, Staff Colonel Count von Stauffenberg. "
That rings a bell. Von Stauffenberg... He's famous for something.
Wait a minute, he tried to assassinate Hitler
by putting a bomb in his briefcase.
How could I forget that?
Yes! We've got ourselves a smeggin' time machine.
- So we can go absolutely anywhere? - Providing we have a photograph.
So if I had a photograph of a female-only naturist beach in Acapulco,
full of bronzed, naked teenage temptresses, we could go for a holiday?
- I suppose. - Kryten, get my photo album.
Hang on. We can't move outside the confines of the photograph.
- What we see is all we get. - Meaning?
We can't just get a picture of Earth. We'd stay inside the photograph.
This beach shot in Acapulco, you wouldn't want to leave the photograph.
- So it's useless, then? - No, not entirely.
Think of the famous places we could go.
We could go to Dallas in November 1963,
stand on the grassy knoll and shout, "Duck!"
I'm sorry, I must have bypassed my good-taste chip.
The possibilities are enormous, mind-numbing.
We could go back and avert major disasters.
Like persuade Dustin Hoffman not to make "Ishtar"?
What about determinism? Causality? You can't just mess about with history.
- We'll just do something small. - No such thing when you change time.
- Only so we don't get marooned in space. - Such as?
If I fix it so I don't sign up with Red Dwarf,
I can create an alternate existence on Earth.
I won't be stuck here for three million years.
- How can you do that? - With this...
# Om... #
What is this? Who is that jerk?
- It's me. - You?!
Aged 17. That's me first band, Smeg and the Heads.
- What are you wearing? - It was all the rage. "Sham glam".
Look at that collar! You could go hang-gliding.
I used to think it was so cool. Come on.
# Om... #
This is one of the first songs I ever wrote.
It was called "Om".
Nothing like a good old-fashioned love song, eh?
I genuinely thought we were gonna be massive. God, I was stupid.
- Who are the other two? - The hippy drummer's called Dobbin.
He joined the police. Became a grand wizard in the Freemasons.
The bassist's called Gazza. He was a neo-Marxist nihilistic anarchist.
He joined a large insurance company and got a parking space.
# Om #
Rock and roll! Thank you very much.
For those who are interested, there are official T-shirts
and signed Polaroids on sale in the back of Dobbin's car.
It's the orange Ford with the bald tyres and no windscreen.
We'll be back in 20 minutes, so from me, Smeg,
and from Dobbin and Gazza, the Heads, I'll see you later.
I'll catch you guys later.
What is this place? It's a pub.
"Pub". Ah, yes. A meeting place
where people attempt to achieve advanced states of mental incompetence
by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks.
Guys, guys. I'd like you to meet me, aged 17.
Sha-dy! This is totally shady. It's beyond shady, it's surreal.
- These your mates, then? - Yeah. That's Cat, Kryten, and... Rimmer.
Brilliant tattoo! What's it stand for? Heavy metal?
- Yes, indeed. - And what's happened to his face?!
It's grotesque, isn't it? Has he had an accident?
He looks like he had his head jammed in a lift. It's totally shady!
Just sit down and shut up.
- So, what do you want? - I've come to change our future.
Aren't you happy being a rock star? Those groupies getting you down?
- We don't make it as a rock star. - That's impossible. It cannot be.
How can I put this? You don't make it 'cause... you're crap.
How would you know, grandad? You're too old for what we transmit.
- I'm you, you dork! - Too old and too crypto-fascist.
Will you shut up? I'm trying to make you rich.
Just go down to the patent office and register this as your invention.
- It's called a tension sheet. - Uh-uh. That's immoral.
- That's Thickie Holden's invention. - Uh-uh. Was.
This is just packing stuff, painted red with writing on it.
- I know. - It's crypto-fascist bourgeois crap.
It'll make you a multi-multi-multi-millionaire.
But I'm not into dosh. I loathe possessions.
It's just so... so crypto-fascist.
Stop saying everything's crypto-fascist! You make me sound like a complete git!
I'm not breaking up the band. Music is me life.
He's right. He can't give up his music. You heard "Om". It's a masterpiece!
- See? - Back off. I'm giving you a break.
Oh, give up. The guy's an idiot.
- He's me! - Exactly.
I don't want a break. I'll take me own chances.
If you do, you'll be stuck on a spaceship with them for the rest of eternity.
You won't have a future. You think about it. C'mon.
You haven't got a copy of "Om", have you?
- They're in the car. - What a pity.
I just can't get it out of my head. Om...
Keep writing those hits, kid.
# Om... Om... #
What a nice guy!
# Om... Om... #
- # Om... # - What now?
Once the timelines sort themselves out, we'll see if it's worked.
It's happening! I'm disappearing!
- What happened? - Lister altered the timelines
and lived an entirely different life.
He didn't join Red Dwarf, so the Cat race never existed
and we never rescued Kryten, so they've disappeared, too.
- So it's just you and me? - For eternity.
No, thanks! Find him and bring him back.
- Anything? - Got him.
- And? - Tension sheet. Inventor, D Lister, 17.
- Damn! - He died in a plane crash, aged 98.
- 98?! - His own fault, apparently.
He was making love to his 14th wife and lost control of the plane.
- Have you got any photographs? - Not of that, no.
No, so I can bring him back.
There's one picture reference, but you won't like it.
- Put it on. - Now it's the stairway to the stars.
- Heeeeeere's Blaize! - Hello.
Welcome to "Lifestyles of the Disgustingly Rich and Famous. "
Tonight, we look at the world's youngest billionaire, Dave "Tension Sheet" Lister.
Behind me, Mr Lister's English mansion.
He had the whole building transported brick by brick
from down the road, just to get away from the neighbours.
Now that's the kind of cash that opens anybody's legs.
The gravel in his drive came from Buckingham Palace.
Dave bought Buck Palace and had it ground down just to line his drive.
This man has a wad so thick, you could use it to beat whales to death.
He calls his home "Xanadu", not in reference to "Citizen Kane",
but as tribute to the hit single by Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich.
But Dave has musical aspirations of his own.
Only last year, his first single, "Om", shot to Number One
when he personally purchased three million copies.
You'll never be short of an ashtray in his house.
Like many people who have everything, Dave's life has been tinged with tragedy.
Well, actually, it hasn't, but we can only hope.
Now Dr Bob Porkman, father of the condom that calls you back...
Freeze. I've seen enough.
- What do you want to do? - I'm going in.
- I'm going in to rescue him. - Rescue him
It's my duty. My duty as a complete and utter bastard.
# He's got a Swatch watch and a Filofax
# So that he can correlate his facts, he's got cash
# He's got money
# He's got cash
# He's got money #
Mr Lister, sir. What a delight it is to welcome you home.
Gilbert, my man! You're looking bad, baby!
- Indeed, sir. - You're my main, main, main, main man!
I am awfully sorry about the statue, sir.
The contractors still haven't devised a way
of making it urinate champagne into the courtyard,
although I am assured that it will be functional for the royal visit.
Oh, get outta town! This is gonna slay 'em.
Indeed, sir. I am only just recovering from the hilarity of the gag myself.
Almost Swiftian in its rapier-like subtlety.
I told Daddy today. About us, I mean.
- How did the old codger take it? - Not terribly well, actually.
He perched on top of his clay pigeon launcher and shouted, "Pull!"
For madam, Lobster a la Grecque.
For sir, a sausage and onion gravy sandwich on white bread
with a glass of sterilised milk.
Brilliant. We lived on these when I was in the band.
As requested, sir, it was helicoptered in from Luigi's Fish 'n' Chip Emporium.
An artist beyond comparison, sir.
Excuse me, sir, but a gentleman appears to have appeared in the room.
Listy, it's me. It's me, Rimmer.
Rimmsy. Arnie Rimmer. Arnie. Old Iron Balls. Rimmer. Rimmer!
Apparently, the gentleman's name is Rimmer, sir.
- Have we met? - Have we met? We're like brothers.
We were shipmates. Red Dwarf.
- You don't remember, do you? - Remember what?
Of course. It hasn't happened, has it?
- What hasn't happened? - Sabrina Mulholland-JJones!
- Yes? - THE Sabrina Mulholland-JJones?
Model, best-selling novelist and international jet-setter?
Yeah. She's me bird.
"She's me bird. "
You call the Duke of Lincoln's eldest daughter "me bird"?
Gilbert, escort Mr Rumour to the door?
- But I came here to save you. - Throw him out, Gilbert. He's a nutter.
- Step this way, sir. - But we were friends, buddies!
Let's not have a scene, sir.
You call this happiness? Surrounded by toadying lackeys and paid sycophants?
Living with a love goddess sex-bomb? You call this contentment?
You know, I look at the two of us and I ask one simple question...
Who is the rich man? You, with your 58 houses,
your private island in the Bahamas,
your multi-billion-pound business empire,
or me with... with... with what I've got.
It's you, isn't it?
Yes, it's all clear to me now. You... richer and happier.
This way, sir.
I should have thought a bit harder about that speech. I cocked it up a bit.
- Any luck? - Useless.
Didn't listen. Didn't even recognise me.
He just thought I was some deranged madman.
You sure he didn't recognise you?
Wait a tension-popping minute. If Lister can do it, why can't I?
These photographs, there's one here of me at boarding school, aged eight.
I can invent the tension sheet first.
But you'll disappear and become incredibly wealthy,
and Lister will be sent hurtling back.
Yes, and Cat and Kryten will be brought back into existence.
True, as a by-product, I'll become mega-rich
and be forced to have constant sex with that JJones woman,
but that's a sacrifice I'm prepared to make.
- Pssst! Wake up. - What is it?
- Who are you? - Look, don't be afraid.
I'm going to make you rich.
All you've got to do is listen very, very carefully.
Right, this is the plan. You will invent a thing called the tension sheet.
- Pension sheet? - T. T. Tension.
Tension sheet. Shut up. I'm talking.
Are you listening? They're sheets of paper with air bubbles in them.
- Like you get in packing paper? - Look, Holden, go back to sleep.
They're exactly the same as the ones in packing paper, but you paint them red.
- Why red? - Because it helps people relax.
Shut up. I'm trying to make him rich.
You'd write better if you took off your boxing gloves.
- Now, have you got all that? - I think so.
First thing tomorrow, take the idea to the patent office.
I can't. Not first thing. I've got extra rugby practice because I'm so wet.
All right, lunchtime. Take it at lunchtime, OK?
I've got to go now.
Oi. Don't mess this up.
Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Oh, yes! # If I were a rich man
# Dubba dubba dubba dubba dubba dum... #
- Worked, did it? - Though it pains me dearly,
I'll be having to say ta-ta to your gormless face.
Ta-ta, poverty. Ta-ta, failure.
Hello, Sabrina. Hello, sexual ecstasy.
A- ha. Here they come, bang on time.
Well, gentlemen, just enough time for me to say toodly-pipski.
- I'll disappear any moment now. - What happened?
Here it comes... Any moment.
What's he talking about?
Any moment... Any moment now.
It hasn't worked. According to our data, you didn't invent the tension sheet.
It was invented by a gentleman named "Thickie" Holden.
- What? - You've put things back as they were.
Why does nothing ever go right for me?
Every time I get so much as a snifter of a break,
a glimpse of happiness, something inexplicably cruel and horrible happens,
- and it blows up in my face. - Hang on.
Something is different. Somehow, you're no longer a hologram.
- You're alive. - What?
Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit.
I'm alive. I can touch, I can feel, I can fondle.
I'm alive! Don't you think it's incredible? I am ali...
What was he saying?
# It's cold outside There's no kind of atmosphere
# I'm all alone, more or less
# Let me fly far away from here
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
# Drinking fresh mango juice
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun #
Rabbit Proof Fence
Rabid Dogs - Cani Arrabbiati 1974
Raccoon War Pom Poko The CD1
Raccoon War Pom Poko The CD2
Raging Bull 1980
Raid 2003 CD1
Raid 2003 CD2
Raid On Rommel 1971
Rain Children The 2003
Rain Man CD1
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Rainy Dog - Takashi Miike
Raise Your Voice
Raisin in the Sun A
Raising Victor Vargas (2002) Deity
Ranch The 2004 Unrated Uncut Edition
Random Harvest 1942
Random Hearts (1999)
Rasen (The Spiral)
Rayon Vert Le (Rohmer 1986)
Real Cancun The
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Real Women Have Curves (2002)
Rebel Music - The Bob Marley Story
Rebel Without a Cause 1955
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Red Dragon (Jet Lee)
Red Dragon 2002 CD1
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Red Dwarf - 05x01 - Holoship
Red Dwarf - 05x02 - Quarantine
Red Dwarf - 05x02 - The Inquisitor
Red Dwarf - 05x03 - Terrorform
Red Dwarf - 05x05 - Demons and Angels
Red Dwarf - 05x06 - Back To Reality
Red Dwarf 02x01 - Kryten
Red Dwarf 02x02 - Better Than Life
Red Dwarf 02x03 - Thanks For The Memory
Red Dwarf 02x04 - Stasis Leak
Red Dwarf 02x05 - Queeg
Red Dwarf 02x06 - Parallel Universe
Red Dwarf 03x01 - Backwards
Red Dwarf 03x02 - Marooned
Red Dwarf 03x03 - Polymorph
Red Dwarf 03x04 - Bodyswap
Red Dwarf 03x05 - Timeslides
Red Dwarf 03x06 - The Last Day
Red Dwarf 04x01 - Camille
Red Dwarf 04x02 - DNA
Red Dwarf 04x03 - Justice
Red Dwarf 04x04 - White Hole
Red Dwarf 04x05 - Dimension Jump
Red Dwarf 04x06 - Meltdown
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Off the Map
Red River 1948
Red Sorghum 1987
Red beard 1965 akahige CD1
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Regarding Henry 1991
Regle Du Jeux La
Reign of Fire
Remains of the Day The CD1
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Remember Me CD1
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Remember the Titans
Remember the Titans (Standard Edition)
Replacement Killers The
Replacement Killers Who Am I
Requiem for a Dream
Requiem from the Darkness Episode One
Requiem from the Darkness Episode Two
Rescuers Down Under The
Resident Evil Apocalypse
Respiro grazias island 2002
Resurrection of the little match girl CD1
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Return To Me
Return To Paradise (1998)
Return of The King The
Return of the Dragon
Return to Sender
Return to the Blue Lagoon
Returner (Takashi Yamazaki 2002) CD1
Returner (Takashi Yamazaki 2002) CD2
Reversal Of Fortune (2003) Korean
Revolution OS 2001
Rhapsody In August 1991
Richard III - CD1
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Ricordati Di Me CD1
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Riding in Cars with Boys
Riget I (The kingdom) 1x01
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Riget I (The kingdom) 1x03
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Ring 0 - Birthday 2000
Ring The CD1
Ring The CD2
Ring of Bright Water
Rio Bravo 1959 CD1
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Rio Lobo (1970) CD1
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Rio das Mortes (1971)
Riso Amaro (1949)
River Wild The
River of no Return The 1954
Road Movie CD1
Road Movie CD2
Road To Perdition 2
Road Trip (Unrated Edition)
Road to Perdition
Roaring Twenties The 1939
Rob Roy 1995
Robe The CD1
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Robin Hood (Disney)
Robin Hood - Prince Of Thieves 1991 CD1
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Robin Hood Men in tights
Robocop Directors Cut 1987
Rock The CD1
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Rocket Brothers (2003)
Rocky Horror Picture Show The
Roger and Me 1989
Roman de Renard Le 1930
Romancing The Stone 1984
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Romeo and Juliet CD1
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Rookie (2002) CD1
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Room with a View A CD1
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Rose Red (Stephen King) CD1
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Rose Red (Stephen King) CD3
Roughnecks - The Starship Troopers Chronicles (1999)
Royal Engagement CD1
Royal Engagement CD2
Royal Tenenbaums The
Royal Tramp (Stephen Chow)
Royal Tramp 2 (Stephen Chow)
Rue Des Plaisirs (2002)
Rugrats Go Wild
Rules of Attraction The
Ruling Class The 1972
Rumble Fish 1983
Rumble in the Bronx CD1
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Run 2 U
Run Silent Run Deep
Running Out Of Time
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Rurouni Kenshin TV 1-9 2000
Rush Hour - New Line Platinum Series
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Russian Ark (Aleksandr Sokurov 2002)